Andy Richter

[0] Welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I am sitting next to Emmy -nominated Monica Pladman.

[2] I'm sitting next to Emmy -nominated in the future, Dak Shepard.

[3] The second and third place winner of the Super Trafeo race.

[4] I need some moniker that gives me a steam.

[5] You have plenty.

[6] Your arms are looking large.

[7] Oh, good.

[8] Yeah, large -armed Jack Shepard.

[9] Curls for the girls, tries for the guys.

[10] That's right.

[11] Vacation still.

[12] Yeah.

[13] We're never coming home from vacation.

[14] Not going to happen.

[15] And we're just going to have to pray that some talented people make their way through Western Michigan to interview.

[16] Our guest today could fulfill that slot because he is from Chicago.

[17] Yeah.

[18] I think he's currently here for real.

[19] Oh, he is?

[20] Yeah, on a family vacation.

[21] Oh.

[22] And also on his Wikipedia, it says he's born in Michigan.

[23] He was born in Michigan.

[24] So he's born here.

[25] Yeah.

[26] Andy Richter is the man we're speaking of.

[27] He is a longtime friend of mine going on 15 years.

[28] He's one of the sweetest human beings out there.

[29] Anytime I have a free hour, we try to steal a lunch together.

[30] We've just always really liked each other.

[31] He's one of these people in a very small handful, just the funniest people in real life.

[32] So, so intelligent and smart and lovely.

[33] And of course, you've seen him on Conan for many years now.

[34] He's a voice in Madagascar.

[35] The Secret Life of Walter Middy.

[36] He's had his own shows.

[37] He's a writer, a comedian.

[38] He does it all, and he's got a new podcast called Three Questions with Andy Richter.

[39] Out today.

[40] Out today.

[41] So check it out after you listen to this.

[42] You know what?

[43] Go ahead and bounce back and forth if you'd like.

[44] Sure.

[45] Totally up to you.

[46] But please enjoy my good friend, Andy Richter.

[47] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and add free right now.

[48] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts.

[49] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[50] Have you locked your keys in the car and had AAA come by?

[51] Not for ages.

[52] I did recently.

[53] It's so shameful.

[54] But don't you have a fancy car that they can unlock from space?

[55] Had I registered it?

[56] Yes.

[57] I never could deal with the law.

[58] over the phone registration of it so i was just like whatever i don't like my shit you know very arrogant about it and then they're lincoln and i were like 40 miles out of the city and no keys so anyways called a triple a type thing came out in the coolest thing they slide this little bladder in between the door frame and the roof and then they fill that with air and it gently pushes your door out far enough so that they can just then put their hook in there and open the door and it doesn't bend anything or scuff the pain or anything.

[59] And I was like, this is fantastic.

[60] I need to get one of these bladders.

[61] Do you think you have to get some certification to order one or just, I bet on Amazon we could order a. It's like a slim gym.

[62] You can't just buy a slim gym.

[63] Well, we owned them when I did the car show thing with my family.

[64] We had a couple slim jims.

[65] But that was not legal.

[66] Was it not?

[67] I don't think so.

[68] I hope not.

[69] I don't think so.

[70] Only tow truck drivers?

[71] Yeah, yeah.

[72] Well, I mean, you can make one, I'm sure.

[73] But I think that the possession of them, there's probably.

[74] some sort of law.

[75] Just like you're not really supposed to own cop -grade handcuffs.

[76] Oh, really?

[77] Yeah, yeah.

[78] You can't have those.

[79] You can't have that awesome pop -out rock.

[80] Nights -stick.

[81] Telescoping one and metal that they used, you know.

[82] Nancy Harding.

[83] Yeah, yeah.

[84] Or Nancy Carrigan.

[85] Tanya.

[86] Except wasn't that just a pipe?

[87] They just use a pipe.

[88] Oh.

[89] But those telescoping ones that snap out that you see on TV, the cops use.

[90] You can't buy those without a law enforcement license.

[91] Well, I remember in high school, we got slap jacks which were illegal yes and that's just a leather monica paddle it's like about a foot long paddle and in the end it's leather and in the end is a ton of lead so it's a very heavy it's either shot like from a shotgun or like a piece of metal okay and you use this to hurt other people well in a pinch if there's like four guys surrounding your car and you come out like a whirling dervish with the slapjack you have some chance of escaping yeah my wife had a key chains and it was some designery keychain that looked like sort of like satin cords sort of woven into a ball shape you know that thing yeah and we went somewhere like to a concert and the people were checking it out because they were like this looks like and there was a name for it like slapjack uh -huh apparently kids have these now and they're filled with shot oh and then they have like a little bit of like four or five inches of string what it's designed to do is make a little mini skull fractures It's supposed to, like, knock a little hole in your skull when you hit somebody.

[92] Just a little acute, just a real precise.

[93] Just like a little ball peen hammer of skull piercing.

[94] By the way, someone fractures my skull.

[95] I'm out.

[96] I'm like, I'm done with this.

[97] Why don't you break my brain bone?

[98] You win.

[99] I have to imagine it's a loud sound in your head.

[100] It's got it really daze you.

[101] Yeah, yeah.

[102] We've known each other now for 14 years.

[103] A long time, yeah.

[104] It's been great.

[105] I love you.

[106] I love you, too.

[107] It's always such a fun treat when I bump into you.

[108] But we both grew up in suburbs that were basically, it was kind of the last suburb.

[109] Then it just turned to farmland.

[110] Yes.

[111] East of me was kind of cityish, and then West was just straight up.

[112] You know, kids get on the bus.

[113] They had shoveled shit that morning.

[114] Oh, yeah.

[115] I had friends that in season, they would come to school and they'd already been up for hours because they had been checking their traps for Nutria.

[116] What's Nutria?

[117] Nutri is a kind of big rodent that you make fur coats out of.

[118] Oh, okay.

[119] And they would catch mink and Nutria.

[120] I mean, I think they could even sell possum.

[121] But I had friends that sold pelts.

[122] Right.

[123] And I had friends that were driving since they were 11 years old.

[124] Yeah, for sure.

[125] Because on the farm, your kid has to be able to drive a truck or a tractor or something.

[126] Minimally by 11.

[127] Yes.

[128] Yeah.

[129] They've got to be able to take some hay bales out somewhere.

[130] I had friends that drove to school at 13.

[131] And they just were risking it.

[132] They just drive pickup trucks to school.

[133] And they wouldn't boast about it.

[134] But, you know, you'd see the friend get into a goddamn pickup truck.

[135] truck and drive away from school.

[136] Light up a cigarette.

[137] My brother has many reasons to dislike me, but one of them being, he got caught driving my dad's car to driver's training.

[138] Sure.

[139] And they made him wait till he was 17 to get his license.

[140] Oh, what a bummer.

[141] Oh, so brutal.

[142] And then conversely, five years later, I worked at a race team and they had a parts truck and I was 15 and I used to drive the parts truck to go pick shit up.

[143] And my mom fully knew it.

[144] And it was fine.

[145] Yeah, yeah.

[146] And he was, you know, as he should be.

[147] Yeah, yeah.

[148] A little different rule.

[149] Absolutely.

[150] But that's a little bit of that first kid, second kid.

[151] You're panicked.

[152] You're making the wrong decisions the whole time on the first one.

[153] Second one feels more expendable.

[154] Expendable.

[155] You're so worried that you're going to kill it.

[156] Uh -huh.

[157] The first one.

[158] And then you realize, oh, they're really hard to kill.

[159] Yes, very durable.

[160] Yeah, you can really neglect them and they'll find a scrap of food on the floor.

[161] Yeah.

[162] So, yeah, you're just a lot lazier.

[163] And you're a lot less vigilant about them eating dirt and stuff like that.

[164] By that time, you're like, oh, who cares.

[165] I'm sympathetic to people who end up having second families because you're so excited about that first one.

[166] I mean, it is so exciting.

[167] Every single checkup, every ultrasound, all that stuff, to me at least, was so exciting.

[168] The second one, I was like, do we really got to go get the ultrasound?

[169] Neither of us cared.

[170] You've been through it.

[171] It's just kind of the human nature.

[172] You've already experienced it.

[173] So it's just everything's a little less exciting.

[174] And I think, well, these people who go get a spouse that it's their first time, they must have to fake that.

[175] I don't know.

[176] I mean, I'm going through a divorce right now.

[177] And I mean, I certainly would like to get married again.

[178] And I didn't even think about it.

[179] People have asked me like, would you have more kids?

[180] And I'm like, I don't know.

[181] I don't know for sure.

[182] But I love babies and I love children.

[183] So I would be open to it.

[184] Having my second child, the joy and the excitement was the same.

[185] The fear is less.

[186] The fear of not knowing what you're in for.

[187] Sure.

[188] But I'm sure that for the spouse that it's their first time to have a spouse that's been through it before is probably helped.

[189] be comforting.

[190] It's probably helpful to have someone that goes like, I've been through this and it's fine and don't freak out.

[191] Because when you're doing it together alone for the first time, it's more frightening.

[192] I even kind of had that with Bell, which was I'm six and a half years older than my sister.

[193] So I changed all those diapers.

[194] And there's a five year spread between you and your brothers.

[195] Wow.

[196] She really waited.

[197] She really gapped it out.

[198] Yeah, yeah.

[199] There's five years between my kids.

[200] For a long time, it felt like my son was going to be an only child.

[201] Right.

[202] You know, I don't have the eggs.

[203] I don't get to decide.

[204] Right.

[205] And we also.

[206] saw my wife's sister had kids little less than two years apart and we saw how much work that was.

[207] Oh yeah, I can attest to that.

[208] And so we kind of were like, okay, even if we do, we're going to wait.

[209] So five years was a nice spread because my son could take care of himself somewhat, at least entertain himself.

[210] You didn't have to worry about him falling down the stairs that much, you know?

[211] Right, right.

[212] When you said second families, it reminded me of something that I read.

[213] I was a kid and it stuck with me forever and it was in golf magazine or one of the golf magazine.

[214] And it was about Lee Trevino.

[215] Oh, sure.

[216] And it was Lee Trevino giving an interview.

[217] He had married and had family and then got divorced.

[218] And then years later, married someone.

[219] And he had a second family.

[220] And he was saying, this time, I'm going to do it right.

[221] This time, I'm going to be a dad.

[222] Uh -huh.

[223] I really, I neglected my first kid.

[224] But what was I to do?

[225] I was out trying to be the greatest golfer in the world.

[226] Mm -hmm.

[227] It struck me as like, fuck, you asshole.

[228] Yeah, even as a, how old were you when you were reading this?

[229] I don't know as when I was a teenager, probably.

[230] First of all, I love that you're reading golf magazine.

[231] Secondly, an interview with, even at the time, one of the older golfers.

[232] I got to read this Lee Trevino article.

[233] Okay, but now back to kind of rural Illinois.

[234] Yes.

[235] So I was obsessed with weaponry.

[236] Uh -huh.

[237] Were you?

[238] Somewhat.

[239] I just wondered if that's just kind of a country thing that I need to be prepared to defend myself.

[240] Yeah, yeah.

[241] I mean, and you're sort of surrounded by people with tools, and you're surrounded by people hunting, killing things.

[242] My grandfather was a big outdoorsman and was actually the director of conservation for the state of Illinois for eight years or something because he was in politics.

[243] My grandfather's family started with land in Illinois that previous to them had been Indian land.

[244] And what I think two generations of my grandfather's people did was sell land.

[245] Okay.

[246] And they had a farm, but they didn't farm that hard, and they'd sell off a big chunk of their land and then live on that money.

[247] Our attic was full of huge silver loving cups for prize hogs and prized chickens.

[248] Oh, really?

[249] I think they just raised prize animals and showed them at fairs, but they didn't worry about making actual bacon or hams or anything.

[250] Yeah.

[251] And my grandfather, apparently when he was a young man, was on a train going to chicken.

[252] show like a poultry show with his prize chickens in a cage on the train and he was sitting next to a man named bill stratton who worked in the government and they became friends at the end of this trip and my grandfather by the end of the trip because bill stratton worked for the state by the end of the trip my grandfather was a poultry inspector oh really you should be a poultry inspector because i see that you own a chicken yeah that you know what you're talking about oh you had chicken last night for dinner well you should be a poultry inspector no i think he had chickens with him.

[253] So I was like, here, let me show you how much I know about chickens.

[254] This is where the eggs come out.

[255] Either that whole or that whole.

[256] Whatever.

[257] Let's watch.

[258] We got time.

[259] The first thing I think of when I hear the story is that modern day, both guys would be on Instagram.

[260] No one could ever be on a train, meet someone, get along so well, end up with a career of it.

[261] Or talk to each other for that long.

[262] But their relationship continued.

[263] And Bill Stratton ran for governor.

[264] And my grandfather was his campaign manager.

[265] By all accounts, my grandfather was a wonderful man. And like in our hometown, I mean, by the time he was an adult, the land had all been sold.

[266] There was one little piece left that I think he sold to the state that became the Glenn D. Palmer.

[267] That's my Glenn Daniel Palmer, state game farm.

[268] And it's still there.

[269] Oh, that's kind of cool.

[270] And they raise pheasants to be released into forest preserves to be hunted.

[271] Right.

[272] They raise him at a farm, and then they release them and you catch him.

[273] So our neighborhood often...

[274] Overrun with pheasants.

[275] Yeah.

[276] Our neighborhood would have literally 100.

[277] pheasants just strolling around and for a while when I was a kid because after my folks divorced we lived with my grandfather and grandmother there was the hatchery for the pheasants so he used to be able to go down and see little pheasant chicks being hatched yeah and then there also was kind of like a zoo like a little mini zoo and they had just like in chicken wire cages all kinds of rare birds and they had peacocks free roaming so I grew up with the sound of a peacock oh they're loud as a hell yeah yeah Every morning and every afternoon, we hear...

[278] Pickaw!

[279] Uh -huh.

[280] Are they saying peacock?

[281] It sounds like they are.

[282] It does kind of sound like that.

[283] But I don't think that that's why they're called that.

[284] Kristen grew up directly across the street from the Detroit Zoo, right behind the lion enclosure.

[285] So she would hear the lions roaring nonstop.

[286] But also that zoo is infested with peacocks.

[287] So when you're not hearing the lions roar, you're hearing the peacocks go bonkers.

[288] Yeah.

[289] I mean, still, that sound, the sound of a peacock call, gets very nostalgic for me. And it's the sound to me, a nice summer sunset, hearing that sound off in the distance.

[290] Yeah.

[291] So why did Dad teach Russian?

[292] He was very much into music and classical music and singing.

[293] And I think he thought he was going to be a choral director.

[294] Like a choir director.

[295] He was from Springfield, Illinois.

[296] And he started at college in DePaul University, which is in Greencastle, Indiana.

[297] Hated it.

[298] Hated music majors.

[299] decided this is not for me. And I think also, too, he had started dating my mom.

[300] Uh -huh.

[301] My mom's older sister was my dad's best friend.

[302] Uh -huh.

[303] And this is like so much my family.

[304] My grandpa gets a job in the governor's cabinet.

[305] They moved to Springfield, Illinois, where they're going to have to send their three girls.

[306] They have an older boy who's already out of the house and in the Navy.

[307] Three girls that are going to go to high school.

[308] And my grandparents could send the girls to any high school they wanted because they just pulled strings.

[309] Right.

[310] Right.

[311] But they said, no, they're going to go to Landfair, which is like the working class side of town.

[312] So they're going to send them to Landfair to the working class higher school so they stay humble.

[313] But they get driven there every day in a fucking state limousine.

[314] Oh, my gosh.

[315] And my dad, my dad, who, the reason my folks divorce is because my dad was gay.

[316] The fact that my dad could have ever been in the closet is just shocking to me in my modern knowledge.

[317] because he would go to school in, like, corduroy suits and stuff, when you didn't need to go to school in corduroy suits.

[318] Right, right, right.

[319] He wore, like, jackets and ties every day and, like, was very well put together.

[320] And my aunt was very funny, my mom's older sister.

[321] And she was, like, kind of my inspirational relative.

[322] She was the person that came and was like, let's have fun.

[323] Why would we not be trying to have fun all the time?

[324] Yes.

[325] It's a wonderful way to live.

[326] she and my dad were instantly drawn to each other, which is most like funny, boisterous women are drawn funny gay men.

[327] Yeah.

[328] It's a natural combination.

[329] And then my mom, who's two years younger, kind of was the tag along with them.

[330] And then at a certain point, my mom and dad started dating.

[331] Yeah.

[332] And I think my dad, when he was in Greencastle, going to school, he missed my mom too.

[333] So he came back.

[334] He was just going to community college, knew he was probably going to get drafted.

[335] So he joined the army, he took the tests, and he scored ridiculously high in language aptitude.

[336] So they said, you're going to go to foreign language school, which is in Monterey, California.

[337] Oh, my God.

[338] He got to Monterey, and he said it was the most beautiful place I'd ever been in my life.

[339] And I got there, and they kind of gave me the choice of what language I wanted to take.

[340] And he was like, what keeps me here the longest?

[341] And they said, Chinese or Russian.

[342] And he said, I'll take Russian.

[343] Uh -huh.

[344] So he was there for a year, then was stationed in northern Japan, intercepting Soviet radio broadcasts and translating them, which he said he never heard one interesting thing.

[345] Oh, really?

[346] He said it was hours of, can you hear me?

[347] Oh, geez.

[348] Can you hear me?

[349] What?

[350] You know, or how's it going over there?

[351] Fine.

[352] What are you guys having for dinner?

[353] Oh, gosh.

[354] He said he's never anything.

[355] Well, you love Stern.

[356] Is it JD that makes those prank calls where he's like, how are you doing?

[357] Yeah, yeah.

[358] He just calls a stranger.

[359] That's Richard Christie.

[360] Richard Christie.

[361] Yeah, yeah.

[362] Hi.

[363] How you done?

[364] I'm doing fine.

[365] What's you having for dinner?

[366] There's a late.

[367] Oh, you caught me with some salad in my mouth.

[368] Good, good.

[369] So you're doing good?

[370] This is the same question.

[371] And they'll do that for ever.

[372] And then they call her back with someone else and go, you just talk to my brother how's he doing yeah yeah that's so good Dave Kekner David Kekner the actors because he's from the middle of nowhere Missouri and he still has that where like you go to dinner and he can just turn to the next table and just go chatty chat chat chat no panic open for it and I just am like what are you doing talking to those strangers yeah yeah yeah and that's not because I'm in show business no no that's just that's just shine small talk has come to make me extremely nervous.

[373] I'm the same way.

[374] I find somebody will pitch me an idea for something, like, whether it's at the show or something extra.

[375] And while they're pitching me the idea, I'm trying not to be a dick.

[376] But it kills me when people are like, they try and sidle up to me, like, I'm going to be able to do it.

[377] I can't get shit done for myself.

[378] You stranger?

[379] You know, you friend of a friend, you son of like somebody my mom knows?

[380] Yes.

[381] What the fuck am I going to do for you?

[382] Well, it's also you have to remember what it was like to be that person who is just scrounging.

[383] They would do anything or even just a tiny piece of something.

[384] So they're just like scrapping and scrounging.

[385] And I do remember that.

[386] But I also remember, too, that I remember all the bad advice that was given to me like when I went to film school.

[387] I specifically remember somebody telling us, if you're waiting tables and you see someone that's in the business that you think you could get to a job, Give them their resume.

[388] The worst thing they can say is no. And the minute I started working, I realized, no, no, the worst thing is, is that they look at you and they go, fuck you.

[389] Resume.

[390] Give me that so I can remember your name as the guy that interrupted my meal who doesn't understand how things work.

[391] Right.

[392] You know, so no. You know, I mean, like I worked with a guy who was a production assistant who used to call producers weekly to say, do you have any work for me?

[393] and that was what he was advised to do.

[394] Right.

[395] And I quickly, as I started working, everyone knew that guy is like that pain in the ass that called all the time.

[396] And that also would then write a letter to thank the person for having a phone conversation in which they told him there was no work.

[397] Right.

[398] Thank you for telling me there was no work.

[399] Yes.

[400] And I even told this guy, that kind of ass kissing, do you want to work for someone that's susceptible to that kind of absolutely transparent ass kissery?

[401] and phony, phony bullshit that has nothing to do with your capacity for work or your capacity to think on your feet.

[402] Like, do you want to work for that person?

[403] Well, the problem is, is there are these famous stories that disseminate, right?

[404] Like, whether it was Spielberg sneaking onto the lot of universal or whatever, right?

[405] So there's a couple of these stories that get out, but maybe the only things I'm proud of is I didn't do that.

[406] Like, I didn't take advantage of friendships I had or, you know, I just.

[407] just personally it wasn't in me to do that.

[408] Yeah.

[409] And so it's hard for me to advise someone to do that.

[410] And that's just simply because that's not how I thought.

[411] Well, in the film business, I worked hard because I started out as an intern at a production company.

[412] And then I was a production assistant.

[413] Right.

[414] And then I did all kinds of different jobs.

[415] I was an AD.

[416] I was kind of being in props.

[417] That was sort of where I ended because it was the most fun.

[418] Yeah.

[419] But I worked hard.

[420] Right.

[421] And the people that were above me saw me working hard.

[422] they saw me being smart they saw me noticing how things were done and replicating what worked and avoiding what didn't right how soon after mom and dad got divorced did you learn dad was gay honestly my dad lumped in the birds and the bees talk with and there are some people men who like to be with men and have sex with men and women that like and they are called gay and that's what I am oh really yeah yeah oh wow and this was probably seven or eight okay when we came home and told my mom Dad told us about sex and how babies are made and told us that he's gay.

[423] And she was kind of ticked.

[424] She showed us a book that my dad had bought us and wanted us to have about how babies are made, like some sort of like forward thinking sort of quasi explicit or frank book.

[425] She was like, he wanted me to give you this.

[426] And I said you guys aren't ready for it, which is, you know what, she was wrong.

[427] Kids can learn about how kids are made when they're three.

[428] Yes, because there's nothing gross about it.

[429] We'll sit there and watch a nature show with our kids and you see two animals fucking.

[430] Yeah.

[431] And for some reason, that's fine to explain to them.

[432] Right, right.

[433] And then people really wig out when it's, because we're humans.

[434] Whenever anybody's like, what do I tell my kids?

[435] You tell them the truth.

[436] You tell them exactly the truth.

[437] Yes.

[438] Like my daughter, just not too long ago, we were listening to on the radio.

[439] It was the display of the song and I don't remember the song, but it was Steely Dan.

[440] Oh, sure.

[441] And she was like, Steely Dan, what does that mean?

[442] And I said, ah, it's the name of a dildo in a book about drugs.

[443] And she's like, really?

[444] And I said, yeah.

[445] Yeah.

[446] And she sure knows what a dildo is.

[447] And the best rock jazz fusion band of all time.

[448] I hope you added that.

[449] Yeah, yeah.

[450] And a tight -ass group of studio musicians.

[451] Oh, maybe the best ever.

[452] Yeah.

[453] But so did your dad have a partner or anything?

[454] No. Nothing serious in long term.

[455] I think maybe he did at one point.

[456] And I was shocked to find out years later, too, that he wanted to stay together with my mom to somehow work it out.

[457] And my mom was like, I don't think there's any work in this out.

[458] So there was honesty in the divorce.

[459] And I think he may have even had another relationship with a woman afterwards, still trying to work it out with himself.

[460] I think it was very, very difficult for him.

[461] Yeah.

[462] It was a different time.

[463] And I, well, and you know what?

[464] I mean, my son is gay, and he came out to us when he was 11.

[465] Well, I like to say he came out to us when he was 11, and we know.

[466] never spoke about it since.

[467] That's just because he's, hey, by the way, I'm gay.

[468] Now get out.

[469] Right, right, right, right.

[470] Now leave me alone.

[471] Yeah, yeah.

[472] That's the last time we ever need to talk about that.

[473] Yes, about me and my sex life.

[474] And it's like, I get that completely.

[475] But do you think, though, that he was at all empowered by the fact that grandpa was gay?

[476] Does that help at least to know, like, oh, your dad.

[477] Did he know that at that point?

[478] I don't think he did know that.

[479] But I truly believe, because we have a lot of gay friends, a lot of gay male friends, that he was always drawn.

[480] Uh -huh.

[481] just that moment of I identify with that.

[482] It was noticeable.

[483] When our gay male friends would come over, he was very interested in them.

[484] Right.

[485] But you may be going, because I imagine if I put myself in that position, I'd go, oh, seems like he's leaning towards gay.

[486] But then again, I don't know what a fucking 10 -year -old boy does.

[487] So maybe this will reveal itself something differently.

[488] At the time, I never gave it any thought because I didn't.

[489] One way or the other.

[490] Yeah, because I didn't feel like there was any reason to.

[491] Well, at that point, at 11, he's still in like kind of an asexual bracket, right he's not gone through puberty well it depends i it's different for everybody but just conventionally you like when your kid's in her junior how you go okay shit's about to start happening or at least in my experience there's sexual creatures from when they're tiny sure sure they're rubbing on stuff and you know yeah they're drawn to things yes i mean all it would take was having a daughter that would come wake you up and get in bed in the morning with us and then put her hand on my face and then realize oh honey you've been discovering Oh, you should go watch your hands.

[492] Oh, yeah.

[493] The whole thing, it's so much fun, actually.

[494] Yeah, absolutely.

[495] The whole world is horny.

[496] Let the whole world be horny.

[497] It's so fantastic.

[498] I couldn't agree more.

[499] It's one of the only gifts we get in this plight of being a human.

[500] Yeah, as long as you don't get pregnant, you're like, let's party.

[501] Yeah, or inappropriate or cross borders.

[502] But if you're horny and you're confident, I say go crazy.

[503] Yeah.

[504] Now, back to your high school.

[505] You were prom king.

[506] I was.

[507] Was.

[508] Were you an athlete?

[509] I was an athlete, but not a super devoted one.

[510] Because our school was so small, you didn't get a lot of John Hughes -style little cliques.

[511] Oh.

[512] It was just sort of burnouts and jocks.

[513] And the burnouts were just kids that didn't play sports.

[514] Right.

[515] And there were sort of the more hardcore ones that really were getting high all the time or doing homemade tattoos with a needle and a guitar string.

[516] There was a guy, and he seemed so scary at the time.

[517] he was about three years older than everybody in class.

[518] And he had, he had...

[519] Older than his classmate.

[520] Yes, yeah.

[521] Okay, okay.

[522] Because he'd been pulled back so many times.

[523] On his arm, he had given himself a tattoo, but it was like a doobie with smoke rising off of it on his arm.

[524] And then above it, it just said, party.

[525] Fuck, yes.

[526] A dooby and smoke rising over it.

[527] But he'd done it himself with a pin, and because he was probably fucked up when you did it, by the time he got to the Y, it was all fucked up.

[528] So it almost looked like, of like part X, but it was sideways.

[529] So it wasn't even an X. It just looked like part with like some sort of symbol that fell on its side.

[530] I have a very similar thing.

[531] Aaron Stinchcombe, who I went to junior high with and then later he came to my high school.

[532] He then committed double homicide and is in prison now.

[533] Ouch.

[534] But when he showed up at my high school, I hadn't seen him in two or three years.

[535] And he was now six, four and three hundred pounds.

[536] He was humongous.

[537] And he had a jean jacket that he had written on the back of, in marker, hard rock.

[538] But he ran out of real estate around the O and rock.

[539] So the C and the K were slanted abruptly down.

[540] And I think when you just thought everyone could relate to running out of room, yeah, this kid lived literally on the edge of town in these kind of shitty apartments right next to a big gas station, kind of half trucks up, half gas station.

[541] One day, and it was in the winter, he put on his coat and a mask and took a shotgun and went and robbed the gas station and walked directly back to his apartment.

[542] In the snow, there was a track from his apartment to the gas station and then back to his apartment.

[543] And he was a minor.

[544] The way we found out he was back from Juvie was that a friend of mine went into another gas station and no one was there.

[545] And he was like, hello, hello.

[546] There was no credit cards.

[547] You had to pay.

[548] Yeah.

[549] And he's like, hello, hello.

[550] And then this guy that had robbed the place and was back from Juvie came through the back room and was like, oh, hey man, what's up?

[551] He's like, oh, Don, you're back.

[552] He's like, yeah, yeah.

[553] And then Don went, does it smell like weed in here to you?

[554] Does it smell like a party?

[555] No, no, I don't smell weed.

[556] Okay, good.

[557] And he was working there.

[558] He robbed a gas station, got out of Juvie, and came to work at a gas station.

[559] Wow.

[560] He knows the industry.

[561] Beautiful full -sart.

[562] He knows both signs of it.

[563] He does.

[564] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[565] We've all been there.

[566] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[567] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

[568] But for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[569] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[570] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[571] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[572] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[573] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[574] Prime members can listen early and listen.

[575] and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[576] What's up, guys?

[577] It's your girl, Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[578] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[579] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[580] And I don't mean just friends.

[581] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[582] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[583] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcast.

[584] So you leave home and then you go immediately to film school or you go to you go to a university Illinois champagne for two years did Dan Savage is that where he went we just interviewed someone that went to that same school he might have because he's from Chicago Roger Ebert went there Roger Ebert is kind of a famousish person that went there you studied film right out of the gate I had a guidance counselor when I told him that I wanted to do writing he said journalism I said no not journalism I mean like TV or maybe movies or fiction and he went like nah I go into journalism.

[585] And I went, okay.

[586] Sure.

[587] So I went to U of I. And U of I went to, and it's funny now having just had a son go through the college application process and apply to like a dozen schools and having other parents say to me, how many schools did you apply to?

[588] And I'm like, two, you know?

[589] I got into both of them and I couldn't afford one.

[590] You know, so I applied to U of I and then I applied to Northwestern.

[591] And I got into Northwestern, but just there was no way I could afford to Northwestern.

[592] That's one of the only schools that.

[593] that I fetishize.

[594] It does seem like the perfect mix of like progressive and Ivy Leagueish.

[595] It's a beautiful place.

[596] Evanston is just a beautiful place to go to school.

[597] And there's a tone of people that come out of there.

[598] Like Julie Louise Dreybis was just here last week and she went there.

[599] There's just a graph.

[600] A lot of people went there.

[601] It's a really cool place.

[602] Charlton Heston.

[603] Oh, well.

[604] Paul Lind.

[605] I guess that goes against my tone.

[606] I don't think so.

[607] Maybe not.

[608] I don't think he may have though.

[609] But he's from South Carolina.

[610] and I think he came to Chicago to be in Second City.

[611] Oh, okay.

[612] And when you started doing comedy, I imagine you were funny in high school and stuff.

[613] You've always been funny, right?

[614] That was part of my popularity.

[615] And my identity was as a funny person.

[616] And did you do well with ladies in high school?

[617] No, no. I mean, I was just so afraid.

[618] And I was the product of at that point two divorces.

[619] It was all deadly important.

[620] It was in my mind that I wasn't going to fuck everyone's life up with this damage and this loss and this destruction.

[621] Yeah.

[622] So I'm going to get it right.

[623] So I couldn't relax.

[624] And it reached a certain age.

[625] I didn't lose my virginity until I was, I think, 21 or something.

[626] Uh -huh.

[627] And it definitely came to a point where I was like, if I don't relax, I'm never going to get laid.

[628] I just need to relax and have some fun and enjoy this.

[629] You could feel it starting to become an actual issue.

[630] Yes.

[631] And looking around it being like, I see all kinds of people fucking like crazy and having a great time.

[632] Yeah.

[633] Being that big a deal.

[634] And why am I so.

[635] goddamn uptight about this.

[636] Right.

[637] Were you similarly uptight about other things?

[638] No, no. No, you were drinking and shit.

[639] Oh, man, I am lucky that I came up after cocaine.

[640] Oh, right.

[641] There just wasn't that much cocaine around, but I did not say no to things.

[642] Right.

[643] I've done virtually everything except for heroin and crack.

[644] And I mean, tripping, there was a time in my life where he's like, you fuck yeah.

[645] Uh -huh.

[646] I would be like out at midnight and have to go like work for my uncle, you know, unloading lockers.

[647] be like you want some acid like okay yeah and i'm out in fucking hoffman estates unloading trucks tripping balls as they say you just like yeah no activity that i take serious enough yeah that i didn't think i couldn't be buzzed or something during it honestly the only one i couldn't do is improv oh i got chai once before doing improv and i realized never again i got stone before doing improv on like a second show on a saturday one time and i was like oh no i can't you're useless.

[648] I was bad.

[649] I was bad and I cannot be bad at this.

[650] That's why I never even liked weed even at the height of all my addictions because it takes away the single thing I like about myself, which is I'm kind of verbally dexteritous.

[651] You know, like I can talk.

[652] It's so funny that you just said verbally dexterity.

[653] Dexterous.

[654] It's dexterous.

[655] Dexterous.

[656] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[657] That was iron.

[658] That was iron.

[659] I want to cross this room and kiss you right now.

[660] Is that hoisted by my own Potar.

[661] Yeah.

[662] Yes, but the fact that I can talk is the only thing I like about myself.

[663] And then I would smoke weed and I get like two sentences out and I'm like, they don't know what I'm talking about.

[664] I'm not positive.

[665] I know what I'm talking about anymore.

[666] Opposite for me. Weed makes me chatty and I used to self -medicate with it.

[667] The weed for me is a toggle switch of contentment.

[668] And even into my adulthood, come home from a shitty day, head out to the garage, tinker around a little and come back in a good mood ready to chat how is your day hey kids what's up you know patient don't smell daddy's breath you know right but that smell used to the kids they used to say you smell like beer oh yep had had a beer when will was little and we went out to Coachella you know because like when you got kids you go out there and there's like the hotel resort with the mini park yeah water park thing yeah yeah lazy river yes exactly so we went out to do that but we took him to see Morrissey and he knew Morrissey and we like Morrissey and this huge wave of pot smoke hit us and he went oh I smell beer he smells beer huh why does he associate that with beer I don't know and you know and it was this before the casualness of weed now I mean now we live in Amsterdam now you know yeah corner and buy some but oh when I'm riding my motorcycle home from places.

[669] It just smelled it all at time.

[670] Every other block I get like some big huge hit of it.

[671] Yeah, yeah.

[672] But I had so many friends it would be like I, you know, that I had known forever and I knew they got high and stuff and they'd say like, yeah, I still get high, but I never am high around the kids.

[673] And I was just like, boy, are you wasting your weed?

[674] Holy shit, this really takes the boring out of a lot of this watching them do the same thing 50 times in the backyard.

[675] Yeah.

[676] Yeah.

[677] We have a friend who told us that a couple father's days ago, or he's just very into psychedelics, in a very thoughtful, mindful way.

[678] That's his thing.

[679] And so she said, what do you want to do on Father's Day?

[680] And he said, I'd like to do acid and be with the kids at the beach.

[681] He said to this day, the best day of his whole life.

[682] Oh, wow.

[683] Because he said he was staring at his children and he got really obsessed with, like, the vascularity.

[684] Yeah, their veins.

[685] Their veins and that they really were in organism other than himself.

[686] And it took him to this place where he could just see them as their own people.

[687] And he said even now, the residual effect of that is he'll be getting frustrated with them and losing his patience a bit.

[688] And he'll just kind of hone in on their veins.

[689] And it kind of just brings them back to that moment of having experienced them as this really special organism.

[690] And I was like, it's either beautiful or gruesome, that story.

[691] It could be maybe a little of both.

[692] Dad pulling his hair out.

[693] When I was becoming a comedy person, learning how to how to do this thing that I do, there were many times that tripping around the people that I was with and the people that have been making comedy for decades, that it was a very useful thing for me. Yeah.

[694] That it showed me ways that I could be funny that I didn't know I could do.

[695] And wrinkles in my brain that I didn't know were there.

[696] Yeah.

[697] It's hard as a parent to be like, drugs are 100 % bad.

[698] Because it's kind of like...

[699] Yeah, you know, I'm constantly trying to get Monica to try different drugs.

[700] I'm like just before you leave...

[701] What has he tricked you into?

[702] None.

[703] I can't be peer pressured, so I have not done any of them.

[704] But I've said, please don't leave this planet without experiencing mushrooms.

[705] Yes, mushrooms are very...

[706] They're gross.

[707] That's the one thing.

[708] You've got to, like, jam them in, like, we just found like jamming them in, like, brownies or something.

[709] People eat them with pizza.

[710] And everyone pukes.

[711] No. I've heard that.

[712] You got to...

[713] If you jam it in.

[714] the brownie enough and get it in it's it's still kind of gross but it is really fun but yeah if i guess for my kids i'm just going to be like look man try these drugs please don't try these because if you try these in my experience then you can't do any of them yeah if you do coke good chance with your genes and everything and our our history yeah you're just going to lose the option to do any of them yeah which is kind of my experience i have to back off kind of all of them now it reached a point with me I felt like it put like a distance between me and my family.

[715] Uh -huh.

[716] Like I'd go to the garage and I'd get high and then I'd come back in and I would be with them.

[717] I'd be talking to them, but they felt like this sneeze guard.

[718] You can see through it and you can hear through it, but they're not the same connection being made.

[719] And I'm in this own artificial bubble that especially with repetition starts to feel dirty.

[720] Yeah.

[721] So when I quit drinking, my girlfriend at the time, of course, kept drinking.

[722] And my thing with her was like, I don't want you to change your.

[723] your life because I had to quit drinking.

[724] Right.

[725] Yet at the same time, I can tell you when we go to dinner, if you have one drink, we're having the same experience.

[726] If you have three or four drinks, we're just having different experiences.

[727] And the thing I'm looking forward to, like looking back on our lives on a porch someday, it's just, it's a little frustrating that we had different experiences.

[728] I kind of want it to be shared.

[729] So in that respect, I can understand being like, well, I'm having a slightly altered experience and these three people are having.

[730] And that doesn't seem entirely fair.

[731] Well, to me, it felt like I was isolating myself, which is a problem, which is a problem in just general with me. Yes.

[732] You're on antidepressants?

[733] Or you?

[734] I am.

[735] Right.

[736] And when did you start?

[737] Decades ago.

[738] Well, generally people who are depressed, weed is typically a great...

[739] Is a good one?

[740] Yeah.

[741] Because it does, like I say, you feel content.

[742] Depression is largely discontent.

[743] I've been going through a lot of changes in my life.

[744] And a number of years ago, I became very much undepressed, not happy, not elated, but not under the same weight that I had been dragging around forever and functioning under and having raising kids and having a job and buying a house and all these kind of very grown up responsible things.

[745] But with just this kind of joylessness, like no taste buds in life, just kind of going through the motions and you know people talking about something bringing them joy and feeling like I don't know what that is right right and I don't know exactly what it was I mean there was a medication change and there was just life change but it could also just be at age I'm 52 now like at 48 my brain just changed or so well you know and don't you think the like the overall way in the panic of is this whole ride going to work out for me am I going to be penniless and really fucked at some point we didn't pick careers where it's like if you're proficient at your career you have job safety that's not really yeah there's no gold watch yeah like i have a friend who who is a lawyer and he was like buying ferrari's and stuff and all these houses everywhere and i was just like how can he do that and i was like oh because his skill set will always be valuable like he will he's a good attorney he knacks out his credit cards he can count on that income probably as long as he wants to practice law right you and i can't do that for say there's a whole i mean that that's probably a component to it.

[746] But if you had the disposition of like wanting to get marriage so perfect and dating and all that, it holds that maybe it's just your disposition is a little bit that way.

[747] Yeah.

[748] And that's why I say, I don't know exactly what it was.

[749] I don't know if there was some chemical change in my brain or, but it's a combination of all those things.

[750] It's behavioral, it's chemical.

[751] And like I saying, and I did, I changed medications.

[752] I had a medication that started being efficacious and I switched and it made a huge difference.

[753] Right.

[754] I'm on Maxwell Butron, and 450 milligrams does the fucking trick.

[755] These medications, they got their drawbacks.

[756] I was on one for a while and all of a sudden I became, I mean, I'm no Lafario or anything, but all of a sudden I became like a ridiculous premature ejaculator.

[757] Oh, wow.

[758] Out of the blue.

[759] Crazy.

[760] And I, of course, I just thought like, well, I'm garbage.

[761] Right, right.

[762] Well, I'm a piece of shit, you know.

[763] And it was actually my wife was like, maybe it's your medication.

[764] Yeah.

[765] Go to the shrink.

[766] Like, yeah, try.

[767] five milligrams of this on top of that.

[768] Oh, back to normal.

[769] Back to being mediocre.

[770] Which is so interesting because I've heard that they will prescribe certain antidepressants to actually treat premature ejaculations.

[771] And that's what this was.

[772] This was a scosh of come killer.

[773] Right, right.

[774] As opposed to come jet fuel.

[775] Although if I'm your wife and we've been together 20 years and you're like popping off immediately, I'm a little flattered for a period.

[776] No. Ask Kristen.

[777] See what she thinks about that.

[778] It's never that flatter.

[779] It's more just kind of like, oh, okay, I was just filling my plate and you're already putting your dishes in the dishwash?

[780] All right.

[781] I guess I'll eat alone.

[782] I just want to add, because I think it's a feather in your cap, that when Conan was on, credited you for really being the tipping point for him to being open to trying medication.

[783] Yes.

[784] Yeah, and I think that's really cool.

[785] This is the power of owning your own stuff and what it can lead to.

[786] It's like you can infect people with good stuff through vulnerability and honesty.

[787] I am one of the first people to do.

[788] downplay the air i'm doing air quotes importance of what people in show business do sure but in being frank about depression and being frank about mental illness and being frank about using therapy the talking cure it has been just evident to me that has helped people yes i can't deny that me being frank about this has had a positive effect on people's lives because they come up to me and they tell me because You said this on that podcast.

[789] Guy named John Moe has a podcast called The Hilarious World of Depression.

[790] Mainly focused on tie between depression and comedians.

[791] And I did an episode of that.

[792] And I mean, I don't think I've ever done anything that's had as much of an effect.

[793] And then one morning, I went to the gym early at Warner Brothers.

[794] I'm getting coffee in the commissary.

[795] And this guy with just this like sort of soft southern accent came up to me and was almost crying.

[796] And he said, just you talking about it, made me go to therapy.

[797] He said, I felt like I should do for years, and my parents were always so against it.

[798] And they're still against it.

[799] He said, but it saved my life.

[800] And that's, like, it's awesome.

[801] I'm a fucking clown, you know?

[802] And just being honest, I helped somebody.

[803] I couldn't agree more.

[804] Like, Kristen one time was going to get interviewed on that off camera, Sam Jones show.

[805] She was on her way there, and she's like, I don't know what to talk.

[806] This hour -long thing, it's all about, like, your journey.

[807] I don't really have one.

[808] I was like, Mama, why don't you just be honest about the fact that you've been on antidepressants for, you know, 20 years?

[809] And that, yeah, there's a sparkly girl on TV, but the sparkly girl also has to really battle this thing.

[810] And she's like, do you think people want to?

[811] And then she did, and similar to your story, it's the number one thing she's grateful she ended up being honest about because way more people have told her, oh my gosh, I felt so embarrassed that I, you know, it's just helpful.

[812] It's crazy to feel embarrassed to seek help.

[813] If you fell out of a window and there was a bone sticking out of your leg, you'd go to the fucking doctor.

[814] Right, right.

[815] And you'd get that bone set.

[816] You wouldn't be embarrassed.

[817] You were so weak you needed your bone reset.

[818] I should suck it up.

[819] You are immune to joy.

[820] If you get nothing, you know, if you have thoughts of killing yourself, you can't interface with your own life, go get help.

[821] And people will always say two things like, well, it's easy for you to say you can afford it.

[822] I understand how difficult it can be to afford it.

[823] But even if you can't afford it, there are ways that you can find places with sliding scales.

[824] There are organizations.

[825] The fact is you can do some.

[826] It's easy to say, do something when you can't do anything.

[827] But as someone who's been there, you've got to do something.

[828] The reason depression's a perfect mousetrap is that at the point you recognize your life is largely miserable, you're also at the point where it's hardest to do something, to take an action.

[829] Yes.

[830] It's a self -fueling thing.

[831] Well, and depression is, at least in my mind, it's honestly, it's like some sort of succubus living in your brain and it finds ways to survive.

[832] even as you find ways to combat it i've always felt like it's a sneaky beast in a a we talk about that regularly which is like your addiction is so fucking clever the weird thing is i wonder if you experiences it's like i will have the same revelation over and over and over again and then i'll have it for the 25th time and i can implement it for a couple weeks and then i'm always like how can i be rediscovering this thing but it does it goes away you get comfortable then you're kind of guards down.

[833] It just keeps seeping back in.

[834] It's just like exercising.

[835] You're not going to do like that final rep be in great shape and then throw your gym shorts away.

[836] Like getting back to weed.

[837] It's not like I'm not going to smoke weed ever again.

[838] Right.

[839] But I certainly have to be careful with it.

[840] I can't just have it around because if I have it around, it's an open bag of chips.

[841] It's getting smoked.

[842] Yeah.

[843] And in addition to sort of the isolation that it would make, I'd also, I'm at a point in my life where I want mood stabilization.

[844] Uh -huh.

[845] And I don't want an artificial mood stabilization, but I do want to be in control of them in as much as I can be.

[846] It's been a very difficult period of time here.

[847] I moved out of my house.

[848] And one thing that's been happening is I have intense waves of emotion, worst thing I've ever been through.

[849] And I have to just kind of feel so much of it.

[850] And just early on, I just had days where I just was sad.

[851] Right.

[852] And I've spent a lot of time in my life where sadness was like a monster trying to get me. Songs would come on the radio.

[853] I'd turn the radio off.

[854] Sad song.

[855] I can't take that.

[856] And in the last few years, kind of embracing that sadness, not being afraid to cry.

[857] And just kind of sitting with that and sitting with anger and sitting with recognizing, here's this pattern that's been incredibly destructive in me that's a neurotic network of behaviors and wiring that has fucked me up forever.

[858] Oh, I'm doing it again.

[859] Look at me doing it again.

[860] golly, I should stop doing this, but I still feel the urge to do it.

[861] I got to follow it a little bit more to get to the end of it and really get to the end of it and be like, ugh, I feel gross.

[862] Yes.

[863] You're like mini bottoms out all the time.

[864] Well, it's funny how similar what you're describing you deal with with depression is what I also deal with addiction.

[865] Yeah.

[866] And that I had to learn to accept how I'm feeling.

[867] My mantra is it's temporary.

[868] Like just knowing this will pass.

[869] I will feel differently at some point.

[870] I don't have to correct it and cut it off and try to ignore it or find something else that I can replace that feeling with.

[871] I can just sit in it with some optimism that it will pass at some point.

[872] And I think that was for me, maybe the thing that was driving it for so many years was just like, this is permanent.

[873] I'm going to feel like this, terrible, pessimistic, hopeless for life now.

[874] Because I felt this way for three days, it must be now my new, you know, feeling.

[875] And it's just hard to have confidence in that moment that you can indulge it, experience it, and then it'll pass.

[876] Yeah.

[877] Now, I think I've told you this.

[878] Like, I can picture the first time I saw you, like, I could paint it if I were a good painter.

[879] Yeah.

[880] We were at the snake pit.

[881] I was - Which is a bar here.

[882] A bar on Malrose.

[883] Yeah.

[884] And I was taking classes at the groundlings and we would go out to the snake pit after the show.

[885] Yeah.

[886] And you were there.

[887] And I was.

[888] I was thrilled.

[889] I mean, I was excited, like, you can't imagine.

[890] Because here's someone that I look up to in comedy.

[891] I'm pursuing comedy.

[892] He's here in the flesh.

[893] Maybe, like, it just starts becoming more tangible or something.

[894] And I told you this, my first thought, and you must get this everywhere you go.

[895] I was like, Andy's so tall.

[896] Everywhere you go, do people say that to you?

[897] Because you've been standing next to a 10 -story building your whole life.

[898] My son is 6 '2 and his boyfriend is 6 '5.

[899] Oh, wow.

[900] In pictures, everyone's always like, they can't believe when they didn't meet my son.

[901] And it's like, oh, my God.

[902] Right.

[903] Same thing.

[904] Yeah.

[905] But yeah, I saw you and I was like trying not to be rude, but I was definitely monitoring everything you were doing.

[906] And I was like, you know, he's drinking a pint.

[907] Okay, cool.

[908] He drinks.

[909] I drink heavily.

[910] Like, there's just all this stuff I was doing.

[911] Did you talk to me?

[912] Because I didn't.

[913] I kind of got in your referee.

[914] Yeah.

[915] And I was like definitely eavesdropping.

[916] Trying to see you as this 3D human being that was at a bar drinking beer and chatting.

[917] and stuff.

[918] Yeah, yeah.

[919] And then the next time I saw you was at Arnette's house playing poker.

[920] Oh, yeah.

[921] Everybody's fucking handsome.

[922] I'm an ugly fucking pig compared to everybody playing a game.

[923] I have grown used to the fact that whenever I see footage of myself, hear my voice, see my face, I'm going to go, yuck.

[924] And I'll do that until I'm in the fucking ground.

[925] But don't you think everyone might do it?

[926] Absolutely.

[927] Everyone does it.

[928] I just know that reaction of looking at myself and saying yuck, there's nothing.

[929] I can do about that.

[930] Right.

[931] And it's silly and it's wrong and it's nonsense.

[932] But it's also too, it's like, you know, I'm a human being that lives in the modern world, but it also kind of, I think, makes me kind of not trust looks generally and not put up a lot of attachment to looks or hotness.

[933] A friend of mine was talking about like, I was stating this guy and he's just so hot.

[934] And I was just like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[935] Hot.

[936] Because when it comes down to it, the lights aren't on.

[937] You know, if you're not seeing anything anyway.

[938] And the things, the words that the person says you don't see those words and also as someone who just kind of generally is absolutely thrilled by imperfection and by human frailty and by spider veins and dimples and a little bit of fat here and there it's like perfection is too it's the uniqueness absolutely to say like i'm an ass man like i like i like the ass of the person that i love you know what i mean like i don't just generally like well that's all day that's where we differ i can In fact, my friend Eric was just making fun of me last night.

[939] I was saying, you know, when I was single, I can just lock in on one thing.

[940] Yeah.

[941] I can just see whatever I want to see.

[942] Right.

[943] You can just be attracted to one aspect of a person.

[944] Absolutely.

[945] Just for the physical interaction of like a casual sex encounter.

[946] Yeah.

[947] I don't need the full package at all.

[948] That's not for someone you like.

[949] You just want to fuck them.

[950] Well, it could extend to that.

[951] Like, my attraction can be built around this thing I'm kind of, worshiping aspect of them.

[952] They have the great personality.

[953] And I'm like, good.

[954] We got great buns and a great personality.

[955] Let's party.

[956] You also have to have the ability.

[957] And I do not have this ability per se.

[958] I'm horny and all, but I have only fucked my friends.

[959] Like throughout my whole life.

[960] I've never just met somebody and hooked up.

[961] I'm not saying that I could never do that.

[962] But at times when that seems to sort of be in the ether, I just am like, oh, no, I don't know that person's parts in my mouth.

[963] Sure, sure.

[964] No. Yeah, we're opposite there.

[965] Look at an ass and I'll go, get that in my mouth.

[966] The whole thing.

[967] Go ahead, Monica.

[968] No, I have nothing to say about that.

[969] Monica's face when you said that is fantastic.

[970] I prefer, yeah.

[971] Yeah, it's much more attractive what Andy's saying.

[972] It's much more attractive.

[973] It's very off -putting what I just said.

[974] But I'm just being honest.

[975] Yeah, yeah.

[976] You're allowed to be honest.

[977] It's very big of you.

[978] Thank you.

[979] But also, you know, your wife is also, too, like so much more than her physicality.

[980] I can say with all honesty, it was 100 % her personality that made me pursue her and not how she looked.

[981] I don't have a type.

[982] Like, I can see, like, somebody that's short and like, oh, look at that little thing.

[983] Yeah.

[984] And then somebody that's really tall, like, wow.

[985] Let's climb this mountain a woman, you know.

[986] I mean, so it's kind of on its own.

[987] I'm not saying this, like, because I'm heroic.

[988] Right.

[989] You know.

[990] You should win an award, I think.

[991] Yeah.

[992] Now, quickly back to your career stuff.

[993] I watched a bunch of interviews with you and knowing you were coming my favorite of which the Larry King interview you did and first of all one of my favorite parts was so you were on Jeopardy and you did fucking spectacular what did you win $65 ,000?

[994] Something like that, yeah probably the best celebrity appearance is that the highest I think?

[995] It may be now, I don't know, I was on the first time and they doubled the money but like the first time I was like 32 grand which is huge then.

[996] So you won twice?

[997] I did win twice.

[998] Oh my God.

[999] With 10 years in between.

[1000] And the second time, that was the beginning of a celebrity tournament.

[1001] Oh, right.

[1002] And I won that first one with Wolf Blitzer, which he really hit the bad, which was, honestly, I took no joy in that.

[1003] The only reason it's worth pointing out, let me just say, is that the generic stereotype is the comedian versus the journalist.

[1004] Yes.

[1005] You just, me, you're like, oh, well, Wolf's going to walk away with this.

[1006] That's your assumption.

[1007] But the thing is, is that it's comedians.

[1008] Michael McKean won that tournament.

[1009] I wasn't able to come back, And I really wish I kind of had, although it is, it is terrifying.

[1010] Being on the show.

[1011] Yeah, being on the show.

[1012] You were going to go out there and you may fuck up and look like a total fucking idiot.

[1013] Yes.

[1014] Also, too, I have ADHD, but if pressure's on, I tend to focus better.

[1015] And I notice it from golf.

[1016] When I've been playing in these charity things and a camera's on me, I tend to hit the ball well.

[1017] And it's very much the same thing in jeopardy.

[1018] The pressure's on and I can just hone in.

[1019] Yeah.

[1020] Now, the golf thing to me falls into the category.

[1021] I was just talking to someone about this.

[1022] Have you thrown up first pitches?

[1023] Yes.

[1024] So me too.

[1025] I never played baseball.

[1026] I had to have my uncle teach me how to throw a ball before I did it at the Tigers game.

[1027] And I fucking let it rip.

[1028] I really went for it.

[1029] And I did good.

[1030] And the pitchers I look like I know how to throw a baseball.

[1031] I was thrilled.

[1032] But just after the fact, I realized, there was never a story about how good I threw that baseball.

[1033] No. There's no upside.

[1034] It's not going to like make headlines that you part a whole.

[1035] Now, had you quadruple bulgey.

[1036] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1037] It would have been everywhere.

[1038] like Baba Booie's first pitch.

[1039] Yeah, yeah.

[1040] So it's basically, it's just all downside.

[1041] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1042] There's no upside of these things.

[1043] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1044] But back to the Larry King interview about Jeopardy.

[1045] But one thing that he was saying, he just kept saying sidekick, nonstop.

[1046] And I was thinking to myself, that would be a title I would never be very at peace with.

[1047] Yeah.

[1048] It would always be triggering to me. I don't care.

[1049] You don't care.

[1050] I don't care and I haven't cared since day one.

[1051] Since day one.

[1052] Since day one.

[1053] Since day one, because I just feel like.

[1054] If I was a sanitation engineer, I would not care that someone called me a garbage man. Right.

[1055] Because it's what it is.

[1056] And that's just the name.

[1057] And for me to attach some sort of negative connotation to that name would also mean that I would be attaching a negative connotation to my place in the show, to my contribution in the show, to my place in the universe as a worthy member of society.

[1058] But don't we do that?

[1059] I don't.

[1060] You don't.

[1061] Not in that particular instance.

[1062] Okay.

[1063] I went into that show knowing my value and not being ready to surrender my value.

[1064] And it's gotten only better and larger as it's gone on.

[1065] I'm not in possession of a tremendous ego.

[1066] I mean, we all have egos because we're in this business.

[1067] But I certainly, like I say, I know my own worth.

[1068] I'm a sidekick.

[1069] That's fine.

[1070] To me, that word doesn't mean anything.

[1071] Okay, great.

[1072] That's just what you call the guy that sits next to the host on a talk show.

[1073] We invented this show.

[1074] The Conan Show, nobody knew how to do that.

[1075] Nobody knew how to make a talk show.

[1076] We're all new to it.

[1077] You know, it's a pizza, but we are going to make our own sauce.

[1078] We're going to make our own cheese.

[1079] Right.

[1080] And it's going to taste different, you know?

[1081] Yes.

[1082] Like, I was not going to be the guffawing yes man, no matter what.

[1083] Right.

[1084] I don't care.

[1085] You can call me whatever you want.

[1086] I know what I am.

[1087] I'm very interested in this conversation.

[1088] Do you ever feel like sitting on the couch knowing you have things to say, but that you have to keep quiet.

[1089] Do you ever leave feeling I didn't get to do me?

[1090] Possibly early on.

[1091] There was more of that.

[1092] And I talked about this once on Inside Conan podcast that there was an early point in the show early on.

[1093] Like there were times when I would have a note for Conan that I would tell Robert Smigel.

[1094] So it would just because it's hard if we're in a scene for me to go, you're rushing the ending.

[1095] You know, like you need to have a third person.

[1096] say that because you don't want to bruise the things happening between the two of you yeah and so robert was would talk to me more about my place in the show and he was the one that came to me and said do you want to be the sidekick and you know how about you start going doing remotes because the first 14 remotes or something were my remotes and that was in reaction because letterman we did so many remotes that they just felt like the host shouldn't go do remotes i was also just like another tool in the bag that could have been utilized more to fill up more spaces on the grid in terms of like filling out the schedule of the comedy.

[1097] Robert early on had told me, go for it.

[1098] You're not out there to just support.

[1099] You're out there to be funny.

[1100] And if, you know, he had faith in my abilities.

[1101] And so I did that.

[1102] And then after a period of time and number of months or so, he actually said to me, you know how I said that I got to take it back.

[1103] You got to dial it back.

[1104] Before I could even ask, you said it's not that what you're doing isn't great.

[1105] It's just a little confusing to the format.

[1106] It's too much.

[1107] Yeah.

[1108] I was just talking to a friend of mine that's putting together a new talk show and they're thinking of their ideal first guest.

[1109] And I would name somebody and she said, they're going to overshadow the host.

[1110] They're going to be too big.

[1111] Right.

[1112] And so I was taking up space and I guess taking it up ably, but that needed to be drawn back.

[1113] Yeah.

[1114] It was hurtful.

[1115] It was really hurtful.

[1116] It was hurtful to be like, you're doing a good job, but stop doing it.

[1117] But I understand it.

[1118] As a producer, I understand it.

[1119] I understand there's only so many seconds in a minute.

[1120] And if I'm going to talk for, you know, 25 of them, you know, that leaves a lot fewer for other people to do.

[1121] That was sort of the beginning.

[1122] Now, if I have something to say, I mean, but our show is much more loose and we're older.

[1123] And also, too, I'm in fully own the notion that none of it fucking matters.

[1124] Right.

[1125] None of it, Matt.

[1126] That takes some years of doing it, I think so.

[1127] It's all, it's, you know, oh, that was bad.

[1128] Who fucking cares?

[1129] It's tomorrow.

[1130] You'll do another one, you know?

[1131] The thing I've always been incredibly impressed with you, because we've done that show together at least 15 times or something.

[1132] And you're perfect at knowing when to come in and when not to.

[1133] I find that very hard to navigate.

[1134] And I'm always incredibly impressed that almost every single time you do chime in, it's a win.

[1135] And I'm like, that's way harder than to have a ton of time and for like 30 % of it to be really good.

[1136] But you've got to be like shooting like 85%.

[1137] Well, thank you.

[1138] But the secret to that is, is I pick my pitches.

[1139] You know, like there's a batter at the plate.

[1140] And I stand there and the pitch will be coming in and I'm like, oh, that's a fat one.

[1141] And I step in front of the batter and swing at it and like, oh, I hit it.

[1142] Like, yeah, because I, the real hard breaking balls, you know, I just kind of let those go by.

[1143] It's a lot of willpower, isn't it?

[1144] Or, like, kind of self -control.

[1145] It's experience.

[1146] Because certainly every line you're thinking of something, right?

[1147] Oh, yeah.

[1148] Oh, listen.

[1149] The funniest things that I have had to contribute on that show, I never got to say.

[1150] Absolutely.

[1151] My point.

[1152] But it doesn't matter.

[1153] You don't care.

[1154] It doesn't matter.

[1155] You can't care.

[1156] What percentage is in there and caring about that?

[1157] Yeah.

[1158] But you don't feel like it affects your self -worth.

[1159] No. No. Because if I'm overall contributing enough, then it's, okay.

[1160] If I, if overall I feel like I'm of a value to the organization, then I'm okay.

[1161] If it goes by, it goes by.

[1162] You know, lots of things go by.

[1163] And there again, it doesn't matter.

[1164] None of it matters.

[1165] Yeah.

[1166] And I mean, I've told Jake Gyllenhaal is on the show.

[1167] He's like one of those people too that I can tell.

[1168] He watched the show as a literal child and he's very friendly and very nice.

[1169] And we were talking about something after the commercial break and I was walking him over to the curtain and we're talking.

[1170] And then he went and he was very serious.

[1171] He went like, So was that good?

[1172] Uh -huh.

[1173] And I said, honey, it doesn't matter.

[1174] Who cares?

[1175] It doesn't matter.

[1176] I was like, this didn't sell any more tics to that movie.

[1177] It didn't make any of the day home from the movie.

[1178] No. It doesn't affect the movie.

[1179] It doesn't affect anything.

[1180] And none of it fucking matters.

[1181] It's really true.

[1182] Go love your family.

[1183] That matters.

[1184] Yeah.

[1185] Okay.

[1186] So your podcast.

[1187] Yes.

[1188] It is called The Three Questions with Andy Richter.

[1189] That's me. And is it literally three questions?

[1190] It is three questions, but it's basically a vague.

[1191] jumping off point.

[1192] Yeah, the questions are, where do you come from, where are you going, and what have you learned?

[1193] So the kind of conversation that I've always liked to have on talk shows is in the commercial breaks.

[1194] Hey, you know, Amy Adams, do you drive yourself to work?

[1195] Right.

[1196] Yeah, yeah.

[1197] Just that kind of things.

[1198] Those kind of nuts and stuff.

[1199] I don't know.

[1200] Oh, yeah.

[1201] I would love that.

[1202] For instance.

[1203] But so that's kind of what this is.

[1204] It's like, you know, what were your parents like?

[1205] And not just like what were they like.

[1206] Let's talk about it.

[1207] And because I'm very conversant in the language of therapy.

[1208] I've been in therapy for a long time.

[1209] It's a very useful way to talk, you know, just to kind of an ongoing dialogue of self -discovery.

[1210] Well, I was crazy impressed when we had John Gottman on, Andy texts me and goes, I've done the Gottman workshop the weekend.

[1211] And I was like, well, but I'm impressed that any time someone puts an actual effort into confronting.

[1212] the things that they're going through?

[1213] I'm just, it's impressive.

[1214] Well, you either want to do it or you don't want to do it.

[1215] You know, and it's like what I think I have always brought to the table as a friend or a husband or as a son is I'm not afraid.

[1216] You want to talk about something?

[1217] Let's talk about it.

[1218] I'm not afraid to deal with things.

[1219] I'm not afraid to hear things that might be uncomfortable.

[1220] Let's talk about it because it's just words and it's just feelings and we will be okay.

[1221] Right.

[1222] And there are some people that to say it's just words and it's just feelings is like no they're not they're monsters yeah they're things that could kill me until you say them out loud that's weirdly the power it's like or that you find out that you're nothing or that you're bad uh -huh or that you know that you'll never be loved and like all those things are just like largely patently absurd you know like everybody that thinks they're garbage or a piece of shit they're just not right they're not they're just not.

[1223] No, we're all kind of implicitly kind of valuable.

[1224] Yeah, absolutely.

[1225] Yeah.

[1226] So, three questions.

[1227] Yeah.

[1228] With Andy Richter.

[1229] It's Tuesdays.

[1230] It comes out on July 8th, I think, is when it starts, and that's on a Monday.

[1231] It comes out concurrent with episode of Conan's podcast, and then every week thereafter, it'll be out on Tuesdays, wherever you get your podcasts.

[1232] Good, because I don't want to compete with you on Mondays.

[1233] This will be released on July 8th or 7th, Monday of that week.

[1234] Yeah, I think that's the date.

[1235] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1236] So you'll be competing against yourself, weirdly.

[1237] People will listen to this, and they'll be like, oh, my God, that was, that was only two hours.

[1238] I had so much more time.

[1239] Well, yeah.

[1240] Well, I'm very excited to start listening to your podcast because I always enjoy talking to.

[1241] You and I have made a point over the years to try to grab a lunch every, like, six or months, or maybe it's a year I'm bad with time.

[1242] It's hard when you have kids.

[1243] I'd argue almost impossible.

[1244] Yeah, yeah.

[1245] Well, Andy Richter, I love you so much.

[1246] I love you, too.

[1247] And thank you so much for having me. Three questions with Andy Richter.

[1248] You find, not with Andy Richter?

[1249] I think so.

[1250] Okay, who knows?

[1251] What does it matter?

[1252] Yeah, but it's on Team Coco and Earwolf.

[1253] All right.

[1254] Well, we'll talk soon.

[1255] Bye, everyone.

[1256] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[1257] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1258] Fact, but fact, back, back, fact, check, check, check, check, fact, fa, fa, fa, fact, fact.

[1259] That was Seinfeld.

[1260] Oh, that was.

[1261] Back, back, back, back, check, check.

[1262] Check, check.

[1263] Check it's your facts.

[1264] Oh, wow.

[1265] Never thought I would do an instrumental.

[1266] It was really out of left field.

[1267] And I like it.

[1268] This may start a whole new genre.

[1269] Yeah.

[1270] Oh, yeah.

[1271] Yeah.

[1272] I don't know enough about it.

[1273] I hate to admit that.

[1274] Seinfeld.

[1275] I mean, I just, I didn't watch it, you know.

[1276] It's so funny that we both have a big strike against.

[1277] I didn't watch Friends and you didn't watch SignFeld.

[1278] Someone asked me at, do we ever talk with this?

[1279] Somebody asked me at one of the live shows what my favorite friend's episode was.

[1280] Yeah.

[1281] A very hard question.

[1282] Too hard for you.

[1283] People shouldn't put me in a position like that.

[1284] Yeah.

[1285] Like, do you like Ben or Matt better?

[1286] I can't decide.

[1287] Right.

[1288] Can't choose.

[1289] Sophie's choice.

[1290] Which goes back to, what's funny is you're very critical of my superlatives, but you can't experience some of them.

[1291] Oh, I have tons of pedestals.

[1292] Yeah.

[1293] Yeah, and you like Ben and Matt the most.

[1294] But it's two people.

[1295] Oh.

[1296] You know what I'm saying?

[1297] Yeah.

[1298] And you can relate.

[1299] I guess you're making me say it.

[1300] They're not really my favorite people.

[1301] No, but you can understand in that they were your number one crush, but they were both your number one crush.

[1302] They were both my number one crush.

[1303] Right.

[1304] Two people were your number one crush.

[1305] Yeah.

[1306] Yeah.

[1307] That is true.

[1308] Dry.

[1309] Oh, good job.

[1310] Even in this humid tropical environment.

[1311] Yeah.

[1312] For the listeners, I've dug around in my ear a little bit because I have an itch.

[1313] Mm -hmm.

[1314] And I've retrieved some dry wax.

[1315] Some de bris.

[1316] They're just proving the validity of 23 and me all the time.

[1317] It holds up.

[1318] Really holds up.

[1319] Except with me because I have a mix of dry and wet.

[1320] You seem to think so.

[1321] I think it's the wet wax that has dried up.

[1322] Okay.

[1323] Well, then what the fuck's the difference?

[1324] Well.

[1325] How do we know yours wasn't wet that dried up?

[1326] No, it can't be.

[1327] Okay.

[1328] Because you're never getting wet wax out of there.

[1329] I've never gone wet wax in my life.

[1330] Oh, I definitely get wet wax out of there too.

[1331] Even after the shower.

[1332] Wow.

[1333] That's incredible.

[1334] Yeah.

[1335] I'm getting a mix.

[1336] I do think I have a co -dominant gene.

[1337] Oh, God.

[1338] You of course turn it into being a super power.

[1339] I don't know that co -dominance is desirable in the wet dry.

[1340] Sure it is.

[1341] Well, I don't know.

[1342] Everyone wants all things.

[1343] I guess probably when like when the environment calls for it, my ears switch.

[1344] Like if I were in a very air.

[1345] arid climate, I would be producing a lot of wet.

[1346] To balance that.

[1347] Yeah, but here in this damp climate, I'm going, I'm going dry.

[1348] Canada dry.

[1349] Dry your eye.

[1350] This is Andy Richter's fact check.

[1351] Lovely man. Andy Richter's fact check.

[1352] Yeah.

[1353] He said, are Slim Jim's illegal?

[1354] He thinks they're illegal.

[1355] Right.

[1356] And I don't.

[1357] Yeah, I don't think they are.

[1358] Because you can Google them, you can buy them.

[1359] Mm -hmm.

[1360] I can get them at Pep Boys.

[1361] I googled and I was able to purchase.

[1362] But there is a lot of conflict about it on the internet.

[1363] Some people said they are illegal.

[1364] Some people say it's state by state, which it could be state by state.

[1365] But you can order it online.

[1366] You just had this week, your first Slim Gym.

[1367] I was going to bring that up too.

[1368] So Slim Gym.

[1369] It's a popular sandwich at Big Boys.

[1370] Yes.

[1371] You know what?

[1372] This is Bader Meinhauf because I just learned about Slim Jim's on this episode.

[1373] Right.

[1374] And then we went to Big Boys, B -O -I.

[1375] Uh -huh.

[1376] And.

[1377] B -O -I.

[1378] And the most popular menu item, which you asked me to get, which I did, is a slim gym.

[1379] That's right, creche and roll with ham and Swiss cheese, tomato, lettuce, and tartar sauce.

[1380] And they smash the bread when they put it on the grill.

[1381] And it comes out thin and crispy.

[1382] It was nice.

[1383] It's my favorite big boy.

[1384] You know, I would bounce back and forth between the big boy hamburger, the original double -decker hamburger.

[1385] and a slim gym.

[1386] Oh, I liked it.

[1387] You would have liked the big boy too.

[1388] I just realized you've never had a big boy either, huh?

[1389] No. It's similar to a Big Mac, but different.

[1390] Oh, okay.

[1391] Yeah.

[1392] What about it is different?

[1393] The taste.

[1394] Okay.

[1395] Yeah, but visually.

[1396] Well, no, visually it looks very similar, and they both have a thousand island spread.

[1397] Oh.

[1398] And cheese and meat and sesame seed.

[1399] So I wonder what makes the taste different?

[1400] Because sounds like all the ingredients sound exactly the same.

[1401] Yeah.

[1402] It's interesting because they are identical and yet they taste different.

[1403] Wow.

[1404] Maybe like Chrissies and Cassie.

[1405] Chrissies and Casey.

[1406] All those tastes are the same.

[1407] But more like McDonald's and Burger King.

[1408] That's different though.

[1409] One's flame broil and one's fried.

[1410] For Wendy's and McDonald's.

[1411] You know, it's a piece of beef on a bun.

[1412] That's true.

[1413] But a much different taste.

[1414] Much different taste.

[1415] Anyway, so that was definitely Bader Mine Hop because it was a new word and then it appeared again, almost immediately.

[1416] Yeah, and probably will continue to for a little while.

[1417] And Bader Meinhauf is frequency bias?

[1418] Frequency allusion.

[1419] Illusion.

[1420] Yeah.

[1421] Oh, I love it.

[1422] I've been saying it now.

[1423] You've taught it to me. It used to be that I could never remember it, and now I'm remembering it around town, and I love it.

[1424] Bader Meinhauf.

[1425] It feels great to say.

[1426] Okay, so did Nancy Kergan use one of those telescopic rods you were saying?

[1427] you said that and he said no she just used a pipe and she used a police baton right a telescope yeah yeah you were right this is fun because you know Well, regardless, I'll continue to keep score.

[1428] Okay.

[1429] That's my good friend, Andy.

[1430] You know, I guess the stakes are heightened because he's a Jeopardy champion.

[1431] Oh, that's true.

[1432] You probably got to police yourself because if you crushed it jeopardy, you might go through the rest of your life certain you're...

[1433] Thinking you're right about it.

[1434] Yeah, about a pipe, about Slim Jims.

[1435] That's true because you were talking about Northwestern.

[1436] Oh, you know, we were talking about how many cool people went there.

[1437] And I said, did Colbert go there?

[1438] I think he did.

[1439] And he said, no, I don't think so.

[1440] And he did.

[1441] Oh, wow.

[1442] Okay.

[1443] It's not very well for Andy.

[1444] This is really like a bash Andy our good friend.

[1445] But you know what?

[1446] Also, we got to learn.

[1447] We got to learn and we got to call out the facts.

[1448] We do.

[1449] We can't protect people we love if they're wrong.

[1450] No, no. That's what happens with hero worship.

[1451] You start ignoring.

[1452] Again.

[1453] Uh -oh.

[1454] Another one?

[1455] So you asked, did Dan Savage go to the University of Illinois Champagne?

[1456] You were like, I think he did because I think we were just talking about it.

[1457] I don't know if Andy said no, he didn't.

[1458] But I think he said, oh, I don't know.

[1459] He just didn't know.

[1460] Maybe he just didn't know.

[1461] I can't remember.

[1462] But he did.

[1463] He did go there.

[1464] He did go there.

[1465] Yeah.

[1466] We'll give that one a neutral.

[1467] I don't think he took a position on it.

[1468] Okay.

[1469] You got $35 ,000 on Jeopardy or something.

[1470] He won $68 ,000.

[1471] That was another one of my facts.

[1472] We're blowing through these facts.

[1473] 68 ,000.

[1474] It says on Wikipedia, again, we know that we can't really fully trust it.

[1475] No. But Richter currently holds the record for all -time highest one -day score.

[1476] on Celebrity Jeopardy.

[1477] What an honor.

[1478] I'm so jealous of that honor.

[1479] What a feather in his cap.

[1480] Yeah.

[1481] Bragging rights.

[1482] Oh, God, yeah.

[1483] I would constantly, you'd hear me go, well, well, what do I know?

[1484] I'm just the record holder for Jeopardy.

[1485] Oh.

[1486] Oh, my God.

[1487] I'm so pleased you aren't for that reason.

[1488] Yeah.

[1489] Who should we believe, you know?

[1490] I don't know.

[1491] The guy who won the most amount of money ever on Jeopardy or someone who's never even been on Jeopardy.

[1492] Couldn't even get on it, Jeffrey.

[1493] Nutria, ew.

[1494] So he was saying, you know, some of his friends would ground for Nutria and make coats and stuff and sell them.

[1495] Oh, oh, right, the animal.

[1496] Yeah, yeah.

[1497] I thought you were talking about, like, it was plural of nutrition or something.

[1498] Nutria also called Koi poo.

[1499] Oh, wow.

[1500] Koi poo, a koi poo coat.

[1501] Oh, my God, is that a koi poo coat?

[1502] It's beautiful.

[1503] Is it real koi poo?

[1504] Is that actual coy poohs is a knockoff?

[1505] That's imitation coipu, isn't it?

[1506] Oh, my God, it's beautiful.

[1507] I love that poo.

[1508] Oh, great poo.

[1509] Oh, she came in.

[1510] She had the most beautiful coy poo on.

[1511] Oh, pui.

[1512] Pewee.

[1513] Was it beautiful?

[1514] Pewee.

[1515] Pewee is such a stupid thing to say.

[1516] It's kind of on a pia, but not really.

[1517] But kind of.

[1518] Pewie.

[1519] Pewee.

[1520] Well, we ate a P .U. Asian food in the airport.

[1521] Well, we called it P .U. Asian food.

[1522] It was not called that.

[1523] But very close.

[1524] If you're sad that we're saying that, it's because we had to wait 40 minutes for our food.

[1525] For the worst Chinese food we've ever had in our lives.

[1526] At the airport, like at a fast food.

[1527] Yeah.

[1528] It was in Seattle, unfortunately, because I love that airport.

[1529] Look, I'm going to say it.

[1530] Don't say it.

[1531] Why?

[1532] Because it's a beautiful airport.

[1533] No, it's not.

[1534] Can we digress for one second to say that our new favorite airport in the world is St. Paul, Minneapolis.

[1535] Minneapolis Airport.

[1536] Holy fuck.

[1537] It was like the grove.

[1538] It just had a roof on it.

[1539] It was heaven.

[1540] We got delayed.

[1541] We were delighted to be delayed.

[1542] We were so excited.

[1543] We were sad that we couldn't get delayed even more because there was some live music that was going to happen that we were missing.

[1544] Yeah, and we ate at a farm -to -table restaurant.

[1545] They had an Evada in there that Rob and Natalie got into.

[1546] They purchased some good tree.

[1547] You get chiropractic work done there.

[1548] And my theory was because Minneapolis houses the Mall of America.

[1549] This is a great theory.

[1550] They got to set the bar.

[1551] They have a lot of tourism coming in for that mall.

[1552] They do.

[1553] And they want to basically give you a pre -mall before you go to the Mall of America.

[1554] An appetizer mall.

[1555] Appetiser, yeah.

[1556] And they've done a great job.

[1557] Oh, man. P .U. Asian food.

[1558] P .U. Asian food was not at the...

[1559] It was P .U. P .U. Asian food was at the Seattle Mall.

[1560] What if I went to all the airports and judge them as malls?

[1561] This is the worst mall I've ever been to.

[1562] Anyway, I'm sorry Seattle.

[1563] I'm going to say, I loved your city.

[1564] I loved to go there for months.

[1565] I really, really, really liked it.

[1566] I'm not crazy about your airport.

[1567] I had P .U. Asian food.

[1568] And then I went into the bathroom.

[1569] The bathroom was stinky.

[1570] and not because of the normal bathroom reasons.

[1571] It just was stinky.

[1572] Oh, it had a non -PU poohs smell.

[1573] No coy poohs smell, a different smell.

[1574] Unique to the CETAC airport.

[1575] Yeah, water everywhere.

[1576] Do you think we get a little cover fire saying P .U. Asian food?

[1577] This is the only time I'm going to concede that you're Asian.

[1578] Oh, okay.

[1579] Yeah.

[1580] Yeah.

[1581] I'm allowed to say it.

[1582] Yeah.

[1583] I am Asian.

[1584] No, you're from the subcontinent.

[1585] You got a whole different thing.

[1586] I don't like that lumping.

[1587] It's like right after Romania, we're calling three cores of that landmass the same thing.

[1588] It's the continent of Asia.

[1589] Well, there's also people have tried to sub -break it up into Eurasia, which makes more sense.

[1590] I just don't know that I feel like, you know, Afghanistan and it's just, it's all tricky.

[1591] But is Afghanistan technically in Asia?

[1592] I think it is.

[1593] Well, it's bordering Pakistan.

[1594] That's definitely in Asia.

[1595] Right.

[1596] I don't think it is at all.

[1597] Well, that's why we have Middle East now.

[1598] We say Middle East.

[1599] Yeah, we like Middle East.

[1600] For Afghanistan, Pakistan, even.

[1601] But you wouldn't call India Middle East.

[1602] No, I'd call it the subcontinent.

[1603] Okay, you give it its own name.

[1604] Yes, it should have.

[1605] Well, that's nice.

[1606] One of the oldest civilizations in the world, the Indus Valley.

[1607] True.

[1608] Yeah, very old civilization.

[1609] Very old and wise.

[1610] And mature muscle.

[1611] Well, yes.

[1612] Elite muscle mass. Although we're learning Eric Topo posted a thing that there's studying elite athletes and there's some gut biome stuff going on yes they have a different gut biome i'm holding out that i might still be an elite athlete yeah i can eat a crapsil with the biome of a lebron maybe i should just put lebron's poop yep your butt fecal transplant with lebron yeah he's got to have that biome and he seems like such a great guy he seems positive uh -huh he's doing a lot for others i might get some of his mental health as well yeah so He said Steely Dan is the name of a dildo in a book about drugs.

[1613] I did not know that.

[1614] In a Burroughs book?

[1615] Yes.

[1616] William Burroughs novel Naked Lunch.

[1617] Mm -hmm.

[1618] It's named after the dildo, Steely Dan 3 from Yokohoma.

[1619] Oh.

[1620] Sounds like a great instrument.

[1621] Yeah.

[1622] I'm going to give my toys, the names like that.

[1623] Oh, you should.

[1624] Yeah.

[1625] Rubber Ron and.

[1626] Just give it the rest of it.

[1627] respect they deserve.

[1628] Not rubber ron.

[1629] No. Polymer patty.

[1630] They're fancy.

[1631] They're fancy.

[1632] Neoprene Nancy.

[1633] Anyhow, I read like a tiny excerpt.

[1634] Seems like a really a interesting book.

[1635] Burroughs is the original beat writer.

[1636] I mean, they all worshipped him, right?

[1637] At a caroac and all those guys, Ginsburg.

[1638] And I heard a great podcast about him.

[1639] I mean, he murdered his girlfriend in Mexico and got away with it.

[1640] Oh yeah, he was a he'd pull out guns when they were all fucked up and shoot apples off people's head and he tried to shoot an apple off his girlfriend's head and murder her yeah yeah and totally got away with it and there was a two -part podcasts on it chris and i listened to i mean that dark life he had very dark but you know he's gay in the 40s when no one else i think his parents were rich he was out well he was sleeping with men all the time but i don't know that he was well no i think he's gay and he's openly gay in the books he just a dark dark you know all the drugs Although I just said oh yeah He had a girlfriend which is interesting Because she was kind of a beard I guess Maybe that's why I killed her Couldn't handle it Had to get her out of there Yeah Yeah Wild lifestyle Oh you tell the story Of Aaron Stitchcomb Writing hard rock on his arm And not really leaving enough space On the back Oh on his back Yeah his jean jacket Oh on his jacket Oh I miss heard that whole thing Anyway, but yeah, but he didn't leave enough space, which reminds me of John Mullaney's special Comeback Kid.

[1641] He opens with that joke about like he's writing a birthday sign.

[1642] He's like, everyone's been there.

[1643] It's so funny because it's so true.

[1644] Everyone's been there.

[1645] He's someone I need to spend some time getting into because everyone I like worships him.

[1646] I think he's so good.

[1647] What I like about that joke specifically and a lot of his jokes are, they're so obvious Like it seems like Like Seinfeld jokes kind of I guess I don't know enough Seinfeld's routines Yeah I don't know enough about that But they're pretty great They're like they're just situations Everyone's been in He's talking about taking a cab into the city And that the driver's constantly re -evaluating his position on the road And like this is the way He's articulating this experience We all have all the time Is like it's just really funny Yeah those are definitely my favorite where it's not like some outrageous story.

[1648] It's like turning a light onto something we already knew, you know.

[1649] Right.

[1650] That's cool.

[1651] Or like my scientific breakthrough.

[1652] We've all clicked our fingers and just to realize you didn't, you've had it wrong.

[1653] We've all done it.

[1654] It just sounded like Vince Vaughn when you said wrong.

[1655] Wrong.

[1656] There's a lot of guys in here who'd love to have their hands all over you.

[1657] I get their hands all over you.

[1658] Sometimes you slip into his voice.

[1659] I don't know if I think maybe it's just your voice.

[1660] Let's just be clear.

[1661] I do not do a good Vince Vaugh at all.

[1662] It's a two.

[1663] I don't think it's a two.

[1664] But I do it consistently wrong, you know.

[1665] We found out on this trip I could do Bernie Sanders a little bit, like 65%.

[1666] And that was a fun discovery.

[1667] It's pretty good, yeah.

[1668] How tall is Andy 6 -1?

[1669] Because you're talking about him being tall and how most people say, Andy.

[1670] Yeah.

[1671] I didn't know you'd be so tall because he's always staying next to Conan.

[1672] But then we didn't say how tall he was.

[1673] I just wanted to tell everyone 6 -1.

[1674] Yeah.

[1675] Do you want to tell people what happened to you in the elevator in Chicago?

[1676] You got to do an elevator.

[1677] Everyone was quiet.

[1678] And then you got out and the doors were shutting and you heard them say, oh, she's so much shorter in real life.

[1679] She's so tiny.

[1680] And then at that live show, our guest basically said that too.

[1681] Like, I look smaller in person.

[1682] That's what Kekner said.

[1683] No, no, no. That's what Andrew said.

[1684] But that was in Chicago because you got out of the elevator.

[1685] You told the story.

[1686] We saw Kekner.

[1687] And I said to Kekner, who's also.

[1688] also six to you.

[1689] I said, do people endlessly tell you you're taller in real life?

[1690] And he said, yes.

[1691] And then they just told you you were smaller in real life.

[1692] So what we decide is that probably most people who get recognized are either smaller or taller than the person's thinking.

[1693] That's true.

[1694] It must be like consistent for everyone.

[1695] But it makes sense.

[1696] If you're just looking at pictures and stuff, how do you can't know.

[1697] But Tom Cruise gets at the worst though.

[1698] Because how tall is he?

[1699] He's like 5 .7 or something.

[1700] Right.

[1701] Yeah.

[1702] Everyone knows he's short.

[1703] Like, people know that.

[1704] That's true.

[1705] And people know that I'm small.

[1706] But I think when you're seeing it, it is different.

[1707] Yeah.

[1708] Andy does seem much taller.

[1709] He does.

[1710] Yeah.

[1711] That's mostly just because you've seen him in tandem so much.

[1712] Okay.

[1713] So we talk about peacocks.

[1714] Sure.

[1715] And he gave the sound of a peacock.

[1716] And I was like, oh my God, that sounds like peacock.

[1717] It sounds like the word.

[1718] Oh, right.

[1719] And then I was like, oh, maybe they're named peacock because.

[1720] Of the noise they made.

[1721] So then I looked it up, and that's not true, but I found something else interesting.

[1722] The collective name for peacocks is pea -fowl.

[1723] They're actually not called peacocks.

[1724] The males are peacocks.

[1725] Oh, because they have cocks.

[1726] Yeah, I guess.

[1727] No, you call male birds' cocks, right?

[1728] Like roosters are cox and shit.

[1729] But peacocks are male, female pea -fowl.

[1730] P -U Asian food?

[1731] Koi poo.

[1732] Koi poo.

[1733] Female, pee fowl.

[1734] That's very hard to say.

[1735] It's almost a palindrome.

[1736] It's not when it looks like that when I'm looking at it.

[1737] Anyway, female peepowl is called a peahen.

[1738] Hmm, peahen.

[1739] So peacock, peahen, and the baby is called a pea chick.

[1740] Oh, peaches.

[1741] Anyway, that's all.

[1742] That's great.

[1743] I mean, I'm really glad we got to talk about Pugh Asian food and peacocks and coy pooh.

[1744] rate some airports slash malls well if i'm going to talk about the seattle airport i guess i'll end on this albuquerque airport not so good oh you know what and what else i'll bring it home burbank airport not great right but you know what's funny is in your analysis that what you're rating an airport based on is really funny it's not the same as mine mine is conveniently getting in and out of that motherfucker like i have never waited more than six minutes at burbank airport to get from the ticketing counter to the gate.

[1745] Of course, I'd pick the Burbank Airport for travel any day if I could because it's so close to our house.

[1746] But you are evaluating it with the mall metric.

[1747] I am.

[1748] Yes.

[1749] Ball metric, Burbank, zero.

[1750] Well, maybe not zero.

[1751] More like George Zimmerman's physical fitness, 0 .5, yeah.

[1752] Okay.

[1753] I'm sorry airports if they're going to get offended.

[1754] Well, they call Burbank Airport the George Zimmerman of airports.

[1755] Everyone knows that.

[1756] All right, I love you.

[1757] Love you.

[1758] Let's go swimming.

[1759] Okay.

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