#392 - David Choe

[0] And I'm like, what, like, that takes this kind of guy that you're talking about, the hitman kind of guy.

[1] I think it takes a little bit more than that.

[2] It takes most likely someone who's probably been molested themselves.

[3] What are you going to, like, okay, so you're trying to ultimately beat me physically and then humiliate me, but then you still have to get your dick hard to get it into my butthole, you know?

[4] Yeah, it's an odd thing to be proud of.

[5] I think if you're a man and you're doing that, there's a lot of those guys that have probably been molested.

[6] Right.

[7] They've probably been, I mean, they say that that's one of the big factors for child molesting is people who are molested themselves.

[8] Right.

[9] As a child.

[10] And I'm not saying that that's child molesting, butt fucking rape like that, but it's kind of akin to.

[11] Right.

[12] It's the number one fear if you're going to go to prison.

[13] Yeah.

[14] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[15] Sons of Anarchy just started the new season, right?

[16] Right.

[17] Amazing, like, it starts with Otto getting butt fucked, you know?

[18] how rude and he's he's the the creator of the show i think so that means he would okayed himself getting butt -fucked and okayed it the guy probably wrote it in yeah he wrote it so he's getting butt -fucked and i'm like i'm like and then the guy implies this is going to go down on the regular every day now oh so if you know every morning you're going to get butt -fucked at what point do you just give up like even fighting it you're just like do you shit yourself every morning so that the has to stick his dick like through like you bet he's not that shy i bet shit's not gonna scare him off if i have to take a while guess right the guy was trying to fuck you in the butt every day that guy's not like discerning learn to learn to like it you know day two day three do you just you could that could be the non -passive buddha approach and learn to like and learn to be a good wife you know maybe you actually grow to love each other trying to make yourself i mean how i mean it's a it's a terrible idea to be locked up in jail with the guy was fucking all the time for sure you would probably your mind would try to rationalize and find some way to escape it but think about the performance anxiety of just like just being with a girl regularly right you're like with her and then you can't get it up and you're like oh my god how embarrassing think about the performance anxiety of a male rapist who's like i'm gonna rape this guy you beat him up you get him down you rip his pants down and then you're like sorry give me a second you're like i gotta get this well it's a perfect example that um of rape being not sex rape is violence right you know a guy fucking and raping a guy especially if he's not gay it's a control and violence thing you should get you should get a known male rapist person guy on the show and ask him what he thinks about to get hard do I don't think they could do it they'd have to wear wrestling masks you got two people now taking their minds to separate places you got the guy getting raped trying to think of anything but getting raped and you got the rapist trying to think of like something to get him hard to rape the guy.

[19] Yeah.

[20] It's an uncomfortable idea but it's also an idea that we kind of understand.

[21] That's one of the more uncomfortable aspects of it.

[22] Right.

[23] We kind of understand.

[24] There are guys out there that would rape somebody.

[25] Right.

[26] They would do it.

[27] And you trained him to kill.

[28] I don't think that guy was, he could have been a rapist.

[29] But he definitely at least tried to kill people.

[30] Or was it very, I should say, at the very least ready.

[31] Right.

[32] I met a couple guys like that I met a couple guys along the way that were like really crazy one of the guys that I used to do martial arts with he went to jail and came back a completely different person it was weird man he came out like a wild animal when he went in he was a real tough kid and he went in when he was like I guess he was probably like 18 or something like that we were around the same age and when he came out he came out years later.

[33] He didn't want to tell everybody he was in jail.

[34] So he had this crazy story about being away and helping somebody out or something like that.

[35] And then eventually he just confessed.

[36] Right.

[37] But then getting to know him, he was a totally different person.

[38] It's like all of a sudden I had to realize.

[39] Oh, the last guy, he does not, he's not here anymore.

[40] This is some new dude.

[41] Now I've got to talk to this new dude and figure out what the parameters of our friendship are because he seems fucking crazy.

[42] He's been fighting for his life in a cage for the last four years.

[43] I mean, the dude went away And, you know, he told me about, like, fights Where he tried to beat a guy to death With a mop handle Some guys were coming out of a shame He came out of an animal Yeah, it came out of an animal It was for real wild animal Fight to the Death type shit On a regular basis Wow Yeah, he was in jail for drugs Right And so he was in like a serious jail He was in jail, I think Either heroin or cocaine I don't know what it was But he was fucking nuts When he came out I hate to say How much time I've actually thought about getting fucked in my ass because I've been to jail a few times, you know?

[44] I've never done hard time, but I've been to jail a few times for a few months.

[45] And you know, it's like, you have to think about it going in.

[46] Especially being an Asian.

[47] Right.

[48] You go in as a black guy, there's the blacks.

[49] You go in a Mexican, there's the Mexican gangs.

[50] You go in the whites, you join the Aryan, whatever.

[51] I have a friend that's Japanese, a little Japanese guy that went to jail.

[52] And then there's not enough Asians in jail.

[53] where they just all have to, you know, you have to be friends with the Chinese, the Japanese, the Thai, the Filipino.

[54] It's not like, oh, because there's so few.

[55] And come on, let's face it, everyone likes Asian chicks.

[56] And so, especially this pervert over here.

[57] So if everyone likes Asian chicks, then male rapists want Asian dudes?

[58] Dude, if you're in jail and you're fucking white dudes and hairy, Afro buttholes and Mexicans and then like a hairless Asian.

[59] Yeah, you know, you're like, oh, you know, switch up.

[60] I guess I kind of see your point.

[61] You know?

[62] Depends on what you're into.

[63] Asians are small.

[64] We're like, we're smaller than, so if you're a rapist and look, I'm just, this is the things I think about.

[65] And I get to jail.

[66] I'm an easy target, you know?

[67] I'm not a fucking giant guy.

[68] Like, he's like, oh, and he doesn't have that much hair.

[69] Like, I wasn't.

[70] It's a weird thing to think about.

[71] How often do you think about this?

[72] Well, I think about it when I get, go to court and they go, you're going to jail.

[73] You know?

[74] How many times you've been in.

[75] Joe?

[76] I've been maybe five times, most of them, like just a week or a day, and then the Japan thing where I was for three months.

[77] But never more than a few months, you know?

[78] And I never got raped.

[79] It's like almost, it's almost a weird thing.

[80] Like, I almost wanted it to happen so I could finally like, yeah, you didn't try hard.

[81] Because you sit and you, because you remember the Edward Norton movie 25th hour where he has his best friend to beat the shit out of him?

[82] Yes.

[83] So he would look ugly going in so he looked like a badass so i never went that far but it was like god i forgot about that same you know what a crazy strategy yeah but it's like it's okay i get to prison the first day a white gang mexican gang whatever is like let's let's fucking show the new guy like how it's done here i'm like at that point i'm like i'm going to be overpowered whatever this and that i was i in my mind i i made it up very early on i was like I'm not going to get fucked in my ass.

[84] It's not going to happen.

[85] If I go to jail and like five guys hold me down and fuck my ass or whatever, then I'm going to die the next day.

[86] I don't want to be the guy that gets...

[87] I'm going to fucking kill the guy that did that to me. And if I die trying, then I'll just be dead.

[88] But I'm not going to...

[89] You know, if they make me suck their dick, I'll bite their dicks off.

[90] You know?

[91] I'm not...

[92] Wow.

[93] Strong statement.

[94] You know, like I'm not going to fucking be the guy that just gets butt -fucked, you know?

[95] I know what you're saying.

[96] What if you like it, though, man?

[97] That is the problem.

[98] Yeah, I think you're going to like it.

[99] Fine.

[100] Well, you know, you have that bingo button in your prostate or whatever.

[101] Yeah.

[102] Allegedly.

[103] Allegedly.

[104] I never pushed that bitch.

[105] I don't want that jackpot.

[106] But on a regular, like, you know, you've trained martial arts, this and that.

[107] And I've heard, like, the Bruce Lee story stuff where he's a badass, so everyone always tries to fight him.

[108] Like, on a regular week, how many?

[109] Times does someone try to fight you?

[110] No, never.

[111] Never.

[112] People never try to fight me. I'm very nice.

[113] I know you're a nice.

[114] Somebody comes up to me. I know you're a nice guy, but does people ever go, hey, you think you know how to fight?

[115] No. No. You know, I'm not like, I'm not very impressed with myself.

[116] You know, I'm not like the type of person who brags about what I can and can't do.

[117] So it's not like I have to respond to things that I've said.

[118] Like, I could kick this guy's ass and I'll fuck that guy up.

[119] Right.

[120] I would never even, I don't even think like that.

[121] I do it for me. Right.

[122] I do it to calm my crazy monkey body.

[123] Right.

[124] I do it to keep my mind straight.

[125] I do it to give myself something to, something that's very difficult to do.

[126] Right.

[127] Because I think that as a person, oftentimes, we have a lot of intensely built -up stress because of the nature of average everyday life in comparison to the nature of ancient.

[128] I aggressively jerk off every day.

[129] Yeah.

[130] Ancient man had a completely different existence.

[131] Right.

[132] But we essentially have the same body.

[133] Right.

[134] So that body has, like, energy requirements.

[135] And I find that if I don't test myself It's some extreme way on a regular basis physically That I can't stay calm Well, I try to push my, like I've been painting my whole life Right So I guess when anyone does anything their whole life To other people, it makes it look easy Right, right?

[136] So I'll paint and, you know, I'll just pick up as...

[137] And I paint quickly, so I don't really spend too much time on anyone painting, you know And that's because I've practiced and practice, you know What's your style too?

[138] Right You have a very particular style You know, people will see me paint and go, oh, I think I could do that.

[139] I thank you very much for the werewolf that you made me. That was cool as shit, dude.

[140] I wish the framing was done.

[141] I'd have it hanging up while you're in here.

[142] But that was very cool.

[143] Well, that was cool to find out how much you liked comics and horror shit growing up.

[144] And that stuff for me is fun to paint.

[145] So most, it was to me, it was so fun, like the old creepy and eerie and all those.

[146] And, dude, you bought me a whole book series, too.

[147] You're the nicest guy ever, man. Well, I bought me a whole book series of those comic book.

[148] horror things.

[149] Look, I, you've been doing this show for four years, right?

[150] Almost, yeah.

[151] Yeah, I'm, I'm a baby, but you've been like on Fear Factor.

[152] You're, you're in, you've been in broadcasting for a while.

[153] Like, broadcasting.

[154] Well, you've been in front of a camera TV.

[155] As an entertainer.

[156] Yeah, exactly.

[157] I'm new to this shit, you know, it's, and I, and that's another thing for me to challenge, you know, like I, my podcast is barely a year old, uh, when I did the show for vice, the thumbs up, I was just fompering and fumbling through, like, making shit up.

[158] No, no. The vice things were cool, dude.

[159] The vice things got people to know you.

[160] I first heard about you.

[161] I'm sorry, go ahead.

[162] It's just a lot of stuttering, though.

[163] And there's no...

[164] So what?

[165] It's a real person.

[166] There's no script.

[167] I'm just like...

[168] And so to have, like, you, Kevin Smith, Anthony Bourdain, Howard Stern, like, all these guys, like, let me be on the shows and interview them.

[169] Like, A, I get ridiculously sick before the show.

[170] Like, I just get filled up with so much, like, nervous energy.

[171] Before this show?

[172] Like, well, I'm more calm now, but, like, the first time I was on your show, I puked, like, outside of Chili's or something right here.

[173] Did you really?

[174] But I would have never expected.

[175] I would have never believed that.

[176] You seem so calm and relaxed.

[177] Well, also, I had a little food poisoning then, too.

[178] But just in general, any time, like, I have a lot of anxiety with being, like, in front of cameras or, like, anything like this.

[179] I like it because it makes me nervous.

[180] Right.

[181] In the same way, like, I would like.

[182] like someone to at least attempt to try to butt fuck me in person it's like it gives it's an insane amount of nervous energy where I get shaky and then I just puke it out and then I'm good you know well it's one of those things that I think once you start once you start it right and then you just get comfortable and and so I'm appreciative to you and everyone who's like let me be on their show and talk so it's like I think it's a little bit of a lost art of writing a nice note or like you know it's like that's right hey hey bro had a good time send a text message it's like okay cool but like you know someone does something nice for you like do something nice well i really recognize the gesture and i really appreciate it was very very cool of you and very generous but i don't and i don't want people who've been on the show now and just start sending me shit like oh david chose that well that's the other thing it's like i don't want to send people shit that like I hate, like, I have a hard time throwing stuff away, and people are like, hey, you're an artist, I'm an artist.

[183] And they send me a giant, like, shitty painting.

[184] And I'm like, this is so sweet that you did this, but I sort of feel like shit now, because I inspired you to paint this horrible painting.

[185] And I, you know, I have a lot of space to put it.

[186] So I'm like, I have a real tough time throwing stuff away.

[187] But, like, I know you like war wolf shit.

[188] And you told me you like the EC horror stuff.

[189] So I'm like, Joe will like this.

[190] It's very cool.

[191] Very cool.

[192] Thank you very much.

[193] And I went to Kevin Smith's house.

[194] He has a shitload of Batman toys.

[195] So I'm like, this guy for sure likes Batman toys, but he doesn't have the best ones that I know about.

[196] So it's like, you know, I like getting people's stuff that they want, you know, not like just bullshit, you know.

[197] No, that's very, very cool.

[198] Very cool of you, man. Yeah, you're a very thoughtful guy.

[199] I would have never thought that you were nervous the first time he did it because you were so calm and normal and relaxed and honest.

[200] Well, it goes from this.

[201] It goes from retardedly nervous, like, like, I can't, like, I get filled with, and one of the main things that people say about me is, like, I interrupt people or I say like too much, but it's because I have so much, it's all in me, and like, I don't, I don't know how this shit goes.

[202] Well, I've seen you do it, right?

[203] And I seen Howard Stern do it, and I seen, and to me, I see Joe pull up to the show, sit down, have a coffee, and start talking.

[204] And that's how I do everything.

[205] That's how I do art. People go, what do you think of?

[206] about when you paint what do you i go i don't think about shit i like i know you have your um deprivation chamber stuff to relax and stuff but for me like for podcasting for playing music for making art i sit there i try to like do the yoga not yoga the zen uh meditation shit of just thinking about nothing like just blank like from the ghostbusters think of nothing and i just try to think of nothing and then i just try to explode you know but then i walked in on um the nerdist they broadcast from meltdown and they had all these writers writing shit and i think they do that for the stern show too and i'm like this is crazy they like preparing they you know yeah and so for me i don't do any of that shit i just show up i turn the mics on and i start talking for like 10 hours straight because i usually do four podcasts back to back but it fills me with such nervous energy and it takes me a second where that nervous i puke it out first then i calm down and then in the same way where people are like oh when they see me paint they're like oh i could do that because i make it look easy whatever right i do the show with joe and then i'm like i think i could kick the shit out of joe it's not that bad i think i could fight him i think i could take him you relaxed yeah you relax a little bit um i think too that the it's such a unique medium the podcast medium and it's really it's a medium that like works best when you do it this way in my opinion i think there's two types of podcasts just like the dan carlin type podcast, which we were talking about last night with Wayne Federman, who's a buddy of mine, who's a hilarious comedian, who became a fan of that hardcore history podcast.

[207] But it's not really a podcast the same way this is.

[208] It's more like an audio book, like a lecture, a brilliant, entertaining lecture on history.

[209] But that's like a preparatory thing or a preparation thing.

[210] But what we do is, you know, essentially it's done best when it's like, who is David Chow?

[211] today like we we vary who's David Cho today September 12 2013 right where you at right now what's going on right now where where you add in your your laundry list of experiences right in this life and that's it's very unique in that way and a guy like you you know the only way we were talking about this before we even started right but about people wanting to do something with you oh we get you David Cho right we get you we know you're wild we know you're crazy we love that we want you to do that on our thing And then once you get involved with it, you realize like, oh, no, this is, they don't get me. No, no, no, I can't, you're telling me to do this and I want to do that.

[212] And you tell me I can't swear and I can't say that.

[213] I shouldn't say this.

[214] And that'll stop them from advertising, you know, hiccops, fucking laundering.

[215] This to me is the most perfect media to express myself when I'm not painting or doing anything.

[216] Because it's, first of all, the shit's free.

[217] I don't have any ads.

[218] And you don't have to listen if you don't want.

[219] And I know what I am and I know what I'm not.

[220] You know, like, I don't know shit about history.

[221] I don't remember dates.

[222] I'm not that smart where I'm going to actually, like, inform you about anything.

[223] Like, I just know that I have a feeling when I isolate myself, when I'm, when I'm a bit of a recluse and I don't go out, that the evil thoughts start coming in and I start feeling like a weird person.

[224] And I'm like, does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?

[225] And a lot of times it is just me, but, like, you know, I get all anxiety.

[226] anxiety yeah and so then i go see a therapist and i'm like i don't even know if this is for me so for me the podcast is me and my friends bullshitting i talk about shit i know fucking art hanging out this and that and then i could just verbal diarrhea all my problems out and you could listen or you could not listen but by me doing that i'm exercising my demons and you could relate or not relate go this guy's a weirdo or or not and i can only i can only talk about what i what i know and i'll give you an example I just for the first time in four years had my first art show.

[227] I haven't painted.

[228] I did a few murals and shit in that time, but not like an actual art show in a gallery or a museum.

[229] And, you know, I'm at a point in my life where money is, I don't need to play the money game, which is a very rare thing to say.

[230] Like, I don't have to make money doing anything.

[231] I don't have to make money off my podcast.

[232] I don't have to have an art show and sell it out.

[233] like so if I'm not playing the same game of most humanity most people will never get a chance to say that right like I don't have to worry about money my kids don't have to worry about money their children don't have to worry about money so I'm starting to do some more charitable stuff to help people and as far as art goes I didn't become an artist so that only rich people can afford my art so I'm trying to do shit that's free at museums more murals whatever so I did a I did my art show in Mexico But immediately after the art show, and actually it's still up.

[234] If anyone's in Mexico City, it wants to see it.

[235] It's at the Museum Del Chopo, and it's called Snowman Monkey Barbecue.

[236] And it's an old gambling term that...

[237] Is that online?

[238] Can we see that image online?

[239] Yeah, you could see shit online.

[240] What is it?

[241] Snowman what?

[242] Snowman monkey barbecue .mx.

[243] And so I'm like That was crazy Because I had two and a half weeks To put that show together You know And I did murals And watercolors and sculptures And all that shit So Wow what is What's going on back there Oh yeah I just made shit out of Pineda material Oh my God That fucking thing That's huge Bad ass How big is that man I don't know It was like three stories high And Holy shit shit so that's insane that's a real work of art but so it's like uh it's all it's i haven't painted in four years i'm fompering around i'm doing bullshit and then someone's like here's a space at a museum you got two and a half weeks go just puking it all out you know brian go back to that one large uh image of it if you would see fill that up with the screen look at what that that's fucking crazy look like a giant eagle looking thing Yeah, I mean, it's, it's everything I saw in Mexico, everything that I felt, and I just, you know, and I'm confident at this point in my life to paint, you know, when I was younger, I would see something in my head and the hand -eye coordination of like, it wouldn't look exactly how I saw it.

[244] Now I can make exactly what I see in my head come out, so.

[245] Dude, your head is filled with chaos.

[246] You make me nervous just peeping across the table from you.

[247] Yeah, there's a, that's dope.

[248] So I just puked that shit out, you know.

[249] And then, um, Brian, I don't think you can show that.

[250] Oh, no. I think we'd get in trouble.

[251] So those were not real, as a gentleman.

[252] They were definitely not real.

[253] Um, so then I was at a dinner, um, a year earlier with Anthony Bourdain and David Chang.

[254] And there's a food symposium in Copenhagen every year called Mad Symposium.

[255] And it's like a food conference, you know?

[256] And it's just all Michelin star chefs like the, wow, that's so cool.

[257] the guys that do with food that kind of shit you know dude that's so cool looking i know that love it the young child girl boy in the lower right -hand corner with the eagle thing over its head what kind of bird is that supposed to if you saw that in detail it's just goes deeper and deeper like the girls being eaten by like a parrot but then her beak turns into another thing and there's a that's a blue dog i try to fractal almost well i try to do this like well i could talk to you about it because you understand the ayahuasca.

[258] The ayahuasca opens something inside me where I'm tripping all the time now.

[259] Whoa.

[260] I'm tripping all the time.

[261] Just go to a doctor.

[262] I mean, it's...

[263] They broke your trip button.

[264] No, it's crazy, man. Like, in what way?

[265] You're tripping all the time.

[266] Like, it's happening...

[267] You know, like, you do mushrooms or you do ayahuasca, and then you start seeing shit?

[268] Yeah.

[269] It's just happening all the time now.

[270] So you see it all the time.

[271] It's all the fucking time.

[272] Like, you'll just be sitting down one day.

[273] I'm seeing it right now.

[274] What are you seeing?

[275] Like, there's like a train track right here.

[276] here and then there's like weird colors coming down this way um really i don't want to sound like a weirdo but it's oh too late look you're an awesome weirdo i don't i don't try to fight it the images are just exploding nonsense i mean i could differentiate between reality and whatever right but it's if i just close my eyes like that time before you fall asleep and i just lay there i could just watch like this symphony of i don't know what it means i don't try to make sense of it but it's happening.

[277] So it happens on a super regular basis?

[278] All the time.

[279] And it only happened once you had your initial ayahuasca experience.

[280] I did, yeah.

[281] In one year, I did mushrooms a few times, and I did ayahuasca three times back to back.

[282] And since then, it opened something inside me. And, you know, it's the same visions that I would see, like, if I had a dream or whatever.

[283] But now it's just all the time.

[284] It's never, there's no, like, oh, now I'm going to trip.

[285] And the ayahuasca, what?

[286] The ayahuasca on the third night Oh my God The ayahuasca on the third night You know the call it the spirit It talks to me And it said to me Don't ever do this again You got your homework now You know what you need to do Wow And I wrote everything down It said you need to do this This and this And it gave me instructions Of all the shit I need to do For the rest of my life Like I couldn't do an eight lifetimes You know 20 lifetimes And it says You could abuse anything right I could start doing ayahuasca recreational And it's a power tool and I don't want to abuse that you know so I'm like why would I need to do something I mean it's I could I think I could still function as a human but it's all the time it's it's open now and it's it's cool I like it you like it yeah I love it it it's not like maddening or whatever it's like I wish this is one of those days where like you know if you and I were not in the same room and I'd say well show me what it looks like right you know if you're describing a physical object you can take a photo of it and send it to me right right one day I hope that technology exists that I could actually see what you're seeing like can you imagine if we found out that like your version of like various things that you're looking at is different than my version because you do it and you're like it's crazy Dave and I go but explain crazy and I'm like is you're crazy the same thing that I'm seeing you know well it's like how much of you was but you in part as beauty to something is based on your own personal or cultural context.

[287] And if you could absorb another person's views.

[288] Like if you could see maybe an actual visualization of something is not just the image itself.

[289] It's the emotions attached to the image automatically by the mind.

[290] And I think we all have different ones of those, which is why some dudes like girls that are like really kind of overweight.

[291] right you know and some girls like really skinny guys or some you know it's like you there's something triggers in you well one thing when people do like dream analysis and shit like what does it mean this and that one thing that i try to that i do a lot is i overanalyce stuff like why did i just draw this guy's own dick going into his own butt or why did i draw like a blue over and over again yeah why did i draw yeah why did you draw that a hundred times that movie super bad when the guy keeps drawing the dicks.

[292] I was like, why didn't I get that job?

[293] Nobody draws dicks, veins on a dick better than me. Dude, that was, that hit, that hit so close to home.

[294] But it's everywhere.

[295] If you go to any country and you take a shit in any public bathroom, someone always draws a dick.

[296] What is that desire to draw a dick?

[297] A peace symbol, a fuck you, you know, right.

[298] It's always, it's always goes back to the dick.

[299] Well, who are these bathroom philosophers?

[300] I do it.

[301] What is their quest?

[302] people who write like shit down on a wall it's a it's a weird thing it's like you're you're uh we're all admitting that we're experiencing the same uncomfortable moment right so here's something to think about distract you right well so when you have dreams and you have visions and you're like what did that mean did something happen in my life that day um i did a lot of over analyzing like that like why am i seeing this right now why is this dog's head exploding and then a mushroom's coming out and then flowers are coming out of the mushrooms and this and and it's turning into my mother's face slapping like what instead of thinking about that i just watch it now instead of trying to be like why is that happening it's just like cool this is happening and in the same way that mural everyone's like it just kept changing every day and it's like what is it is it a animal or is it this and what was happening in my life during the time first of all there's an unbelievable amount of pressure as an artist after not having a show in four years to you know every time i do a show i want it to be the best show i've ever done and this was like such a small amount of time to put that much art together that i was you know everyone's like you fucking bitches in mexico i'm like i'm working i'm not i didn't go to mexico to fuck you know but you're a very strange way of saying fuck how do how do i say it's it's very bold oh really it's like it's got like bravado to it like you're wearing a cape i didn't go to mexico to fuck no it's like you're you have a confident way of saying fuck what do i what do i like to do fuck you're just like it's like you're almost defiant in your tone so I gotta tell you what happened I uh you know because every I'm gonna go off subject just for a second because no way every time not on this show every time I think wow I've experienced a new sexual thing that I've never like this is insane like how many are left when a girl shoots a ice cube up my butt hole or oh or you know like or like when I'm laying down and then like five women are just giving me a massage just using their tongues I'm like five it's not going to get better than this you know like this is like you living like a baller damn I didn't know it went over two handed I thought it just stopped there you got five handed and then so I meet a guy yesterday and he's like oh yeah we did some red rope shit and this and that I'm like red rope I'm like I don't I don't know what that is he's like you don't know what a red rope service is and I go no but please tell me like what the fuck are you talking about right now.

[303] My name is Marty and I'm the inventor of the red rope service.

[304] So I'm like sitting there okay so you're laying on your, it's a massage parlor you go it's a service.

[305] It's not a name of a place.

[306] It's like a code word you go can I get the red rope?

[307] Okay.

[308] So you're getting a massage and I think it's only in Asia and you're laying on your back and then you go you know you get to the happy ending point where she gets your dick hard and everything and you're like I would like the red rope.

[309] At this point she ties a rope and there's the crazy part it doesn't have to be red it's just a rope and they tie it to the whatever the bars above the massage table and they hook their feet on it so they're upside down and so they start spinning around and then they put their mouth on your hard dick and then they let go and they helicopter their mouth around your dick all the way and i've never done it before but the guy says it feels like your dick's gonna like you've never felt anything like that before in your life and it feels like your dick is just going to explode with, you know, like a neutron bomb and explosion.

[310] And then you, and then it's done and it stops and then it spins the other way around.

[311] To, listen, leave it to the crafty Asians.

[312] Always.

[313] It's unbelievable.

[314] Because they really like take sex to another level.

[315] Like they try to figure out the most pleasurable things to do to you and then they do them, you know.

[316] Well, they wrote books about it.

[317] I mean, you know, the, what is that book?

[318] The, what's the fucking, the famous tantric book?

[319] Yeah.

[320] What the fuck is that book?

[321] Um, Phu man, uh, what is that?

[322] Tantra love book.

[323] Well, here's the thing about the red rope or any of that shit.

[324] But what the fuck.

[325] I know what you're saying.

[326] I know what you're talking about because I do that tantric shit, you know.

[327] God damn it.

[328] What's the name of the book, though?

[329] There's a famous name that if you find it over people's house, like, oh, they're a freak.

[330] I You know what I'm talking about?

[331] I know what you're talking I do I am a student of tantra Have you ever had a soapy Where you're on a raft And they put like soap all over you And then you just rub your body up and down Brian I've done it all The red rope Well here's the thing Here's all the shit that we're talking about Right The soapy raft The red robe whatever Kama Sutra The Kama Sutra I mean duh Here's the thing about all these weird sex things Especially like at a massage part where they do those things you're like how does one girl do the red rope she had to learn it from they have to teach right someone who does a happy ending like amazingly right the quality of service has to maintain you know like how can one girl give the best hand job she had to learn it so that's another thing i think about you know who's teaching them yeah who's teaching them family is it a class who's got to be who's the guinea pig the guy who owns the building Who's the guinea pig?

[332] The guy owns the building.

[333] Get it.

[334] It's a fucking big mayonnaise jar fill of Viagra.

[335] Exactly.

[336] So I don't know if you know this, Joe, but I like to gamble.

[337] I know.

[338] I haven't gambled in almost a year and eight months now.

[339] No one's counting.

[340] But I used to gamble in Macau.

[341] Macau is like Vegas times 10, right?

[342] It's Vegas times 1 ,000.

[343] A thousand.

[344] They do shit in Macau that shits on, like one good casino in Macau makes more money than all of Vegas like their venetian out there is two football fields wide oh like it's it's crazy oh my god and they have chips like you know you go to Vegas and you see black chips and green chips whatever they have like square chips the size of this and you're like what's that and they're like that's a million dollars a million dollars china if you ever thought china is going to run the world yes the answer to that is yes they don't give a shit they have money there that it's like you wouldn't even fucking understand is that a good thing or a bad thing if china runs the world.

[345] I mean, you say China and everybody goes, communism, Tiananmen Square.

[346] Those are the two things that come up.

[347] Communism, Tiananmen Square.

[348] And then you say America, and what do they say, Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Kent State.

[349] Well, it all depends on whether you like Chinese food or not, you know, like if you like MSG.

[350] Then it's good?

[351] I don't know.

[352] Chinese people running shit, who knows?

[353] I do know that if you To the like the three listeners out there that are into Asian guys If you like Asian dudes If you like you know the hairless body and all that shit Date a Chinese guy From China Because there's so many of them Because you don't want to date a Korean because they're fucking assholes They're stubborn, insecure, judgmental assholes You don't want to date like a weird Japanese guy China Chinese like to fuck They like to fuck a lot Whoa.

[354] That's why there's billions of them.

[355] There's more of Chinese than anywhere.

[356] There's more Chinese people.

[357] Got a good point there.

[358] What is that point?

[359] They don't like to pull out.

[360] They like to come inside and they like to have babies.

[361] So much that there's billions of them overpopulation.

[362] What does the Chinese government do?

[363] You can only have one child now.

[364] You can only have one.

[365] If you can only have one, what do you want?

[366] A boy.

[367] What do the Chinese people do now?

[368] For years now, you can only have one kid.

[369] or else you have to pay crazy taxes.

[370] So if you're Chinese and you have brothers and sisters, that means your parents are probably rich.

[371] So you abort till you have a son.

[372] So what does that do to the population now?

[373] There's way more boys than there's women.

[374] What does that do?

[375] Now in the same way they used to do the male Russian mail order bride.

[376] Now they do that for China with Vietnamese and Filipino.

[377] There's not enough women so that they need to do Filipino male order bride, Thai mail order bride.

[378] And what does that do?

[379] there's I don't know I don't know statistics but I think it's something like 10 for every 10 guys there's one girl So what does that do to the entire country It creates homosexuality More higher numbers And if you're if you're a dude And you're lucky enough to get a girlfriend You're gonna treat her amazing You're gonna treat her like a fucking princess So ladies if you like Asian dudes Get a Chinese guy It seems like a recipe for fucking chaos Because it doesn't seem like if you live like that You only have one child and the majority of our men.

[380] First of all, it doesn't feel like that's sustainable, but it feels like people are going to be so unhappy.

[381] People are going to be so crazy.

[382] Well, one answer is to get this book called the Kamasutra and learn some tantric shit, so you don't fucking come inside and have so many goddamn babies, you know?

[383] That's not going to help at this point.

[384] At this point, it seems like when you have that situation already in place where you're only allowed to have one kid, so you have this excess of males and it's completely imbalanced set up, Whenever you have imbalance like that, it creates unrest.

[385] Right.

[386] It's bad.

[387] What they could be doing is just setting up their entire country to, like, change the tone of the country.

[388] Right.

[389] Well, here's the thing that I know when shit is fucking crazy, because the art gets really good, you know?

[390] The art in China is better than the art in the rest of the world because they have been tormented.

[391] Because they have been living under communism.

[392] Wow.

[393] Like, Brian only fucks porn stars, and he thinks it's going to.

[394] to be a step up for him to start dating artists that is like 10 steps down wait till you hear his comedy after he starts dating an artist it'll be the best comedy he's ever done in his life because they're crazy they're horrible especially ones that paint a lot of self -portraits of themselves i mean come on give me a fucking break hey let's not get specific here let's not get specific but you know what i'm saying yes i know exactly what you're saying so like um so i'm in china and i'm gambling and and i get stressed out and they go do you want to go get a massage and i and i told the guy he goes you know uh massage or a massage and i go no like like seriously like a regular massage i want to calm down so he gives me the number for this place in like old macao and i go in and it's amazing it's like giant huge sofas where you could kick back and the guy runs and goes do you want a sandwich and some ramen or whatever i'm like yeah give me some noodle soup give me a ramen then a dude rolls up and he's like you got some like hard skin on the bottom of your feet you want me to shave that off i'm like yeah fuck yeah you know Wait a minute.

[395] Mani Petty, dude.

[396] A manny Petty?

[397] Yeah.

[398] So I got a dude shaving with a razor blade, like the hard skin off the bottom of my feet.

[399] And then a little girl just comes and sits on my shoulder and she goes, do you want your ears clean?

[400] And I go, yeah.

[401] And she's doing like little flowery shit, blowing in my ear, digging all this like earwax out.

[402] And I'm like, I feel like a goddamn princess right now.

[403] And then a sort of like milphy older, not that attractive, but you know, got some weird mill vibe.

[404] That's my type.

[405] comes up and goes do you want to do you want a leg massage and i and this is all like 30 bucks wow you know like now i got three people catering to me i got one dude on my feet one chick cleaning my ears and i think at one point i had four like one chick was like do you want a head scalp massage and i was like let's just do the whole thing you know so you're just sitting there like a goddamn king and then the lady that's giving me my thigh massage she's like sitting on a little stoop between me rubbing my legs rubbing my calves and then once in a while she goes from one leg and then she goes to the other leg and one time when she went to the other leg her hands scrape the bottom of my balls i was like oh whoops sorry like was that an accident and then did you ask well i was like oh that's sort of cool you know did you say something i didn't say anything i was i was getting my ears whatever right right lot was going on but then she goes to the other leg and this time she grabs my balls i go that's not an accident so i'm like monkey grabs the peach right And I'm sitting there and she starts And so now she's giving She's giving me a H .J but not like an aggressive HJ It's like she's just playing with my balls You get so many hand jobs You've broken it down to two letters It's just the old HJ Well there's the dry HJ There's a wet HJ Rub Maps terminology right there Do you have the monkey monkey steals the peach But she's just giving me like Just like a boring Right She's not trying to get me off She's just massaging.

[406] She's just being nice to you.

[407] And I, but then I start getting hard.

[408] And I'm laying on a sofa thing like this right next to my friend.

[409] Right.

[410] Like our feet are touching.

[411] Oh, that's kind of gay.

[412] So I'm like, it's kind of gay.

[413] You're like, dude, push off me. I'm getting hard.

[414] I'm going to feel the firm bottoms of your feet.

[415] But there's a toe shake with you.

[416] But there's a blanket over my dick.

[417] So I start getting hard and she starts hitting it on her hand and showing my friend.

[418] She's like, look, your friend very hard.

[419] And I'm like, don't do that.

[420] Don't do that.

[421] And I'm like, and I'm like, like this is weird.

[422] I'm getting a sexual act while other people are like, like manicuring me, you know?

[423] That's so crazy.

[424] And it was, and then it's 15 minutes and she stops and she goes, do you want it to go on or whatever?

[425] And I'm like, let's stop for right now.

[426] Let me, let me, um, let me just try to figure out what just happened right now.

[427] He's like a business manager.

[428] Let's stop for right now.

[429] And, uh, we're going to get the team together.

[430] Right.

[431] That's where we go from here.

[432] So they all stop.

[433] They go away.

[434] And I go, bro, that girl was like, said, do you want a thigh massage?

[435] and she was massaging my balls and he's like that was awesome and then we're talking and we're looking at everyone so we look like the feet manicured people are mostly dudes the ear cleaning chicks are usually like really small because they sit on you and the thigh massage ladies for the most part and they all have different color jackets this is what my job is so the thigh massage ladies are all milfs they're all they're all older and they're not all hot some of them aren't even hot then I saw one with a thigh massage jacket that that was young and beautiful.

[436] And I said, hey, hey, thigh massage, thigh massage.

[437] And she's like, uh, she had a weird look.

[438] And I was like, what, what, what?

[439] And then the old one that just gave me one comes and goes, you don't want her.

[440] And I was like, no, no, no, no, I do.

[441] And she goes, first day doesn't know what she's doing.

[442] And you're like perfect.

[443] Perfect.

[444] I want her.

[445] And she goes, no, no, no, no, no. And she goes, you don't want her.

[446] Like, I'll do it again.

[447] I know what I'm doing.

[448] And I go, no, no, no, I want her.

[449] She's like, I'm not, nah, nah, they start speaking in Chinese.

[450] And they go, like, okay.

[451] and then all this shit I'm talking about the dreams came true they tell me to get up I go into a side room and she trains her on me I'm the guinea pig they never even look at me she's the young ones like this she starts getting he's like no no and she starts together like this and they're having a fight arguing over my dick practicing giving me a hand job and I'm like this is the best day of my life wow I'm the guinea pig of the girl that gets trained on how to give a thigh massage and you're in Macau and I'm in Macau You must have felt like you're in an Indiana Jones movie.

[452] I always feel like I'm in an Indiana Jones movie, but I'm always short round.

[453] That sounds, like, we're stepping on punching cookie.

[454] That sounds incredible.

[455] That sounds like the craziest, freakest experience ever.

[456] It was, it was amazing, and it was nothing close to sexual for them.

[457] I was just a fucking piece of meat, you know.

[458] She was like, like this?

[459] No, no, no, no, no, damn, nam, nam, like this.

[460] And I was like, I was like, I was like, I want this to go on.

[461] forever and you know it's amazing so things like this happen and then and then i i have uh you say i say fuck i talk about this shit you know and it's like it's sort of like suicide to just keep openly talk about but the freaky chicks that listen to me they hear me say a story like this and then they're like oh i'll fucking i'll do some shit to him that he's never so why do why would you say it's suicide to talk about things like this um there was a girl that i really liked a long time ago when I did a different podcast called Kareen's Gone Bad.

[462] And I was considering, I've been single for eight years now.

[463] And I was considering dating her.

[464] Settling down.

[465] And she goes, first thing was no more podcast.

[466] Like I can't be like with a dude that's talking about people practicing hand jobs on his dick, you know, which makes sense.

[467] You know, you don't want to be with.

[468] Right.

[469] I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, you know.

[470] So it's so, you know, when I put all my shit out there, I'm on a, I have my own podcast.

[471] podcast DVD ASA where also as a porn star but everyone else on the show they don't want to share that shit and that makes sense you know they're not you know yeah but she knows who you are you know right right I mean you are who you are you're a very interesting guy the idea that everyone has to be uniform right right and then we all have to fit into the same pattern of of control well what's happened is I've turned into like when guys look get a chick and they're like she's a slut like that's a chick you fuck but you would never take home to your mom that's how girls look at me now i think some do but some probably which i love don't they think that it's probably like a challenge to be the girl that cracks his his mind open it's exciting to me because because this is what married guys this is what married guys say to me don't you get sick of it dave no you know why they say that don't you get sick of it they want you to join their misery well they and and i and i get it because i i know like some famous people that do fuck a lot and they say the shit like you're getting dangerously close to start sucking dick you know once you start it happens you know listen to me this is the problem with married people this is coming from a dude who's married married married people are much like people that want you to use the same cell phone services them right they're like dude why you with Verizon okay AT &T you can answer your phone and they get like real passionate about it they want you to be miserable with them right right for whatever reason and it's not a knock on AT &T it's just an example whether it's Windows or PC There's people that want you to use what they use.

[472] Right.

[473] And people who are married, like, come on, dude.

[474] Why don't you just fucking get married, man?

[475] Become one of us.

[476] They just want you to, they have accepted this new stage of existence.

[477] And they want, for whatever reason, everybody else to be exactly like them or it becomes uncomfortable.

[478] Because I do the same thing.

[479] I go, why don't you just get divorced and come fuck all these girls with me?

[480] Take my sloppy seconds, you know?

[481] I got hit with a pussy bar.

[482] Take some shrapnel, you know?

[483] Take my sloppy seconds.

[484] What a great sale.

[485] know what i don't give a shit dude i mean i don't i don't i'll you go first you i'll take sloppy seconds i don't this podcast is that m e double ass guys are like ill dude you're gonna fuck a girl i was like you guys all go first you can go first you can take sloppy seconds i'll go through i'll go last wow i'll eat joe and brian's come out of oh i don't give a shit how spray some pincetre you i saw how dare you i'm not gay i don't give a fuck well you're that would you know I could see how some girls would have a problem no but Joe I understand I understand that because it's sort of true they go don't you get sick of that another sex story another fucking quadruple hand job another like tongue I have a problem with people that have a problem with people that don't get tired of shit like why do you care people have called me a misogynist I love love women I love them and I'm not sick of it every time I have sex again it's i i can see the feelings of maybe i'll get bored of this one day but in eight years i haven't but why why is that a point of concern for you if you're a happy person if life truly is a temporary existence and if you are a good person right you are you're a very nice guy right so aren't those well those bases are covered then why what what difference i'm gonna do some i'm gonna do some asian math for you oh jesus i'm 80 % happy 80 % of my life i'm happy 80 % of my life i'm happy with how I'm living it, what I'm doing.

[486] 20 % of my life is miserable.

[487] I look at married people.

[488] I go, I want that.

[489] I look at this and that.

[490] But I go, at the end of the day, when I do the math part, the Asian math part, I'm like, my life is so fucking awesome.

[491] Whatever that next 20 % to fill up that, to make it 100%, whatever, has to be so fucking amazing that I'm going to fucking risk what I have right now.

[492] You know?

[493] So there's parts of my life that I'm like, oh, shit, you know, I don't have.

[494] have a wife i don't have kids that say i love you dad shit like that but you know what 80 % pretty good don't have to give that up to you know but you don't know dave you don't know the love of a child that's some shit i know but you also don't know the love of two fucking women fighting over your dick that don't speak english you know like like so this is what i think right either or right it doesn't matter and the real problem is people want it to be the way they're living and you You know what?

[495] Who gives a shit?

[496] I don't say never.

[497] You know, when someone goes, hey, Dave, are you gay?

[498] I go, not yet.

[499] I don't know.

[500] I might be one day.

[501] So I might be married one day.

[502] People go, are you going to get married?

[503] And I used to say, no, I'm never getting married.

[504] But I might one day.

[505] I don't know if I'm not or, you know.

[506] Dude, there's nothing wrong with anything you're saying.

[507] But here's the thing that I do see with guys that fuck a lot is they get into the, you know, this, that, the group sex, the anal threesomes.

[508] Then it goes to trannies, she mails.

[509] Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[510] Yeah, boy, definitely.

[511] For real?

[512] Trannies is derogatory.

[513] It is now, why?

[514] Or T .S. Dude, I got attacked by the transgender.

[515] Yes, me too.

[516] Tranny is like saying nigger or jab or, or, you say T .S or transsexual.

[517] Like, you know when midgets get mad for, it's little people or, uh, what's, FS with a T. I don't know.

[518] So, but, you know, you keep, you know, it's when you catch Hugh Grant or Eddie Murphy in there with like, a weird look it's because they've already fucked elizabeth hurley they've already fucked the hottest supermodels and then they want something else you know so i understand that too and people are like dave the path you're on you're gonna start letting guys suck your dick just just for fun just to feel the stubble on your balls you know you're getting there and i'm like it's possible it is possible anything's possible man i see fucking blue snakes in this room right now as you as your friend i would say it's possible and i would say don't worry because it's not the worst thing that can happen to you right There's a lot worse shit.

[519] But I'm going to bring all this shit back to Mexico.

[520] So this is what's going on in my life.

[521] And people tell me shit about the red rope.

[522] But I get to Mexico.

[523] I'm not there to fuck.

[524] I'm there to paint.

[525] But you know the thing about love?

[526] The funny thing about love?

[527] You never know when it's going to hit, right?

[528] You should be a...

[529] I can see you entering through bead doors.

[530] Remember those bead doors that they used to have when you'd buy porn when you were a kid?

[531] Yeah.

[532] in mexico i painted with uh one of the last living uh mexican surrealist uh pedo pedo frederberg which was an amazing what is his actual name pedro frederberg pedro frederberg he's amazing he's old school he's like eight years old still drinks like mescal smokes and just we just sat and painted but i also met the greatest comedian of all time of all fucking joie dyes uh no no no not joey dyes is funny but this this is on some next level what's this guy's name again pedro fredo verde uh he's a jewish mexican so it's that's hilarious i'm looking him up oh there he's like he's like he's like he's like the m c escher of uh of mexican art you know so i'm having like this i'm painting with him for the show i'm painting my own shit and oh you never know when love's going to hit you you know so i meet this girl in Mexico.

[533] My Mexican girlfriend.

[534] My friends love calling her that.

[535] And she doesn't have a phone that I can text her.

[536] So we have a super like W .B. Dawson's Creek kind of relationship where she lives two blocks from my studio.

[537] And to contact me, she has to throw rocks or lighters or sticks at my window.

[538] Oh, that's beautiful.

[539] So I'm like, cool.

[540] This is what it feels like to be a normal person.

[541] Every morning I wake up and I have a job to paint this show.

[542] It's not like, oh, next week I'm going to be in Cambodia next week it's like every day I'm painting so that feels regular and now I have this chick that really likes me she's an architect I like her and this is what it feels like to have a girlfriend you know so I'm like cool and she's super busy so she doesn't have that much time for me anyways and we didn't have sex right away I really liked her and she did this weird move that we talk about on our show all the time which is black people when they have sex with Asa they never take their shoes off or their socks off.

[543] They need traction.

[544] It's a weird thing.

[545] Like, they'll, she says they'll even take their pants off and their shoes to take the pants off and then put the shoes back on.

[546] They want to be able to fuck with, like, a lot of force behind it.

[547] And she was the same way.

[548] She's like, she's like, I don't, I won't take my socks off the first time we did it.

[549] The lights are off.

[550] She's like, I'm not taking my socks off.

[551] I'm like, oh, like black guys.

[552] And she goes, no, like Woody Allen.

[553] And I go, oh, I don't stop saying that.

[554] So I'm fucking her.

[555] And the whole time she's like, like Woody Allen, like Woody Allen.

[556] Like Woody Allen.

[557] I'm like, stop saying Woody Allen.

[558] And so I really like this girl I'm starting to, you know, this is a joke that I've killed, but I keep saying, it's the worst STD you could possibly catch feelings.

[559] So I like her.

[560] And yeah, and it's going good.

[561] And all of a sudden the show became a relationship advice with David Cho.

[562] And one night, because she loves drinking, she's a hard drinking Mexican, sloppy.

[563] We're having sloppy sex.

[564] And she goes, you like my little piece?

[565] and I go, what?

[566] And she goes, I have a little piece.

[567] I go, and her English isn't perfect.

[568] So I go, I don't know what you're saying right now.

[569] And she goes, it's really shy and it doesn't come out all the time.

[570] And I go, what?

[571] And she goes, you know, like a little penis.

[572] And I go, and the thing is every night, every day that I painted in Mexico, my hands are caked in paint.

[573] Right.

[574] And I would come home and I'd scrub him so she would let me finger hurt, you know?

[575] and girls you know Joe you know how many urinary tracking this podcast is the greatest thing that's ever happened in my life Joe you know how many urinary track infections these hands have given I know now I I cut my nails I scrub them I get all even with the scrubbing I get some paint on still but you know if I'm painting a giant mural like that I'm going for it my hands are covered in paint and then the chemicals you use to take the paint off as well right doesn't that linger in the skin exactly so I go home and I spend like hours cleaning my hands because i want a finger you could you get a chick drunk with turpentine i'm sure you can you know it seems like that would absorb in the skin yeah yeah somehow for him that guy's weird that doesn't clean that's so stupid don't say shit like that too just if you just stopped and thought about half the shit you said just cut out half of them you'd be amazing you'd be like the greatest podcast sidekick of all time so right now you're number two what what do you get from number one what do you do from that joe you started having sex with the girl you really like she doesn't speak perfect english and i don't know and she tells you in the middle of the night she has an extra piece that only comes out sometimes uh you would have to really decide how much you liked her i really did like her and so what difference is it made i've seen i've had a girl what does it mean she said it and immediately my brain goes oh my oh my transgender that's what you thought she said it uh -huh and immediately my brain goes oh my god i'm gonna lose my boner right i'm like i'm with the guy but it only got harder so i i don't i don't I don't know what that's like.

[576] It means you're a savage.

[577] You're enjoying the real primalness.

[578] I try to laugh it off.

[579] I was like, what are you talking about?

[580] Like, I try to like...

[581] And then you came like a fucking rhino.

[582] And as soon as she says it, I go for the fingers.

[583] I'm searching.

[584] And she goes, it's shy.

[585] It doesn't come out all the time.

[586] I go, my brain is thinking, as soon as she walks out that door, I'm going to Google hermaphrodite.

[587] Right.

[588] I'm going to, is that even how it works?

[589] that a penis is inside the vagina my dick is inside her vagina she has a dick in there our dicks are rubbing right now her little dick is going into my dick well it's not most likely it's an enlarged clitoris right no no her clit was fine you know i i looked at the clit she said it was inside and it doesn't come out all the time wait a minute is this a real thing did you like look this up like in medical journal i looked it up i couldn't find a picture of that but i don't i've been with a girl that's like that hermaphrodite her so this is a hermaphrodite hey jo i think at the girl that's like that what it is it's like this like right on the top of the penis there's some girls have this little thing that comes out and it looks like a little baby kids thing I've seen that's a clitoris I've just in a large clitoris I've seen women who have enlarged clitoris and it comes out yeah and it looks um you know it looks like a little penis but this is not that she had a normal uh clitoris and I'm searching I don't and here's the thing it's a weird thing to say someone to someone during sex right it's a weird thing that's how you're gonna bring it up you're gonna bring it up bring it up now so listen exactly bitch don't pretend you ain't enjoying this sweet boy pussy but let's be honest and this is a lot of things and it's and it's a it's a weird thing to say this is many things yeah i mean she's enjoying the shit out of it bitch she's constantly fucking herself and she's like oh your dick got harder yeah i guess right um i'm gonna look for images human hermaphrodite okay do you find it did you take Oh, it's very odd.

[590] I don't want to see what you're looking at right now.

[591] Ooh, it's not what I thought it is.

[592] It's, that's fascinating.

[593] And because I won't overanalyze everything, I start thinking, am I gay now?

[594] And there's a little liberating feeling.

[595] I'm like, yes, finally, I'm gay.

[596] There's nothing about this girl.

[597] Let me see her face.

[598] You know, that was very thing.

[599] There's nothing about this chick that's male.

[600] She's a beautiful girl.

[601] She's cute.

[602] That might be a little hot then.

[603] I'm like, I found the perfect man, woman.

[604] With the tinnacle Well, I hang out with my guy friends all day And I go on bro dates And I'm like, man, I wish you had a pussy Wow, that is just so weird to say I don't know if I would keep eating We're on a lunch day And you're like, I might need my I need my energy to fight this dude off I don't know what the fuck's going down next Joe, you don't have guy friends Let's go, I could rape you if I wanted No, Greg Fitzsitt Simmons is a very funny joke About if he was trapped on a deserted island And he'd get to pick his wife or one of his friends He would go, I would take a guy Hi.

[605] Here's this great joke.

[606] It's fucking funny.

[607] And he's like, because we would just laugh, we'd go in the woods and jerk off, and then we'd just be hanging out with each other.

[608] He goes, if it was my wife, who would be like, bah, pa, pa, blah, blah, pa, pa, pa. I'm not doing that bit justice, by the way, Greg, I'm paraphrasing.

[609] Pick a guy and you have to be bigger than him, in case that day comes when you want to rape your friend also.

[610] Why would you rape your friend?

[611] If you were really friends, you jerk each other off.

[612] That's true.

[613] It's trapped on an island together.

[614] I'd jerk you off.

[615] Is it getting a butt hole to just touching butt.

[616] Uh, it's not as gay, but it's all gay.

[617] You're all, you're naked, you're trying to come.

[618] It's gay.

[619] You should just, if you were like at that point, we're, like, rubbing butt holes and you're telling a chick, like, look, baby, I mean, we were on that island for 10 years.

[620] The worst I did is rubbed butt holes with them.

[621] She'd be like, why don't you just suck each other off?

[622] Who cares?

[623] He pooped into my butt.

[624] He pooped into my butt.

[625] I pooped into his butt.

[626] If you were, I mean, it's, it's not just whether or not, how long would you hold out in prison?

[627] You know, it's, would you want to hold out?

[628] It's a, would you want to hold out, or would you just said, listen, it's an It's an amazing skill to have to just send your mind somewhere else, you know?

[629] The whole thing, if you're getting raped and you just want to go somewhere.

[630] We're not even talking about rape.

[631] We're just talking about gay sex.

[632] Like, you blow in your buddy because you're both just collecting coconuts for the rest of your life on this deserted island.

[633] Occasionally one of you gets a boner.

[634] You're like, come on, man. Can you just pretend you're a girl, bro?

[635] I fucking love you.

[636] I saved you from that snake.

[637] First of all, you right -handed or left -handed?

[638] I'm right -handed, but I use my left -hand for a lot of things.

[639] Well, I'm left -handed, and I jerk off with my left -hand, so we could do side -by -side.

[640] And also.

[641] Luggies.

[642] Interesting.

[643] But the thing is...

[644] Did you do that from holding an iPad with your right?

[645] You get, like, really good with the iPad.

[646] Yeah.

[647] And you're just like...

[648] Oh, I'm amazing.

[649] I'm like Tom Cruise in the fucking minority report.

[650] But I just closed my eyes and I just try to pretend like it was my dick.

[651] Okay.

[652] I'm drinking off my...

[653] It would be like doing the stranger when you sit on your hand and you make it go...

[654] I would just pretend I was a girl for five minutes.

[655] Jesus Christ, how hard would it be?

[656] Why would you just fucking coconut?

[657] Just put some hot oil in your hand and jerk your friend off.

[658] I'm a pretty girl.

[659] It's not gay.

[660] You're helping each other out.

[661] You both trapped.

[662] Is it gay to get a massage?

[663] I used to think it was gay to get a massage by men Until I realized that It is gay until they stick their fingers in your bowhole I'm a manly man and I desire I need hard massages I can't just get a regular massage Oh Because I'm thick Well I know a couple of girls I know a couple of Thai girls that would take care of you know If they ever go to a guy No trust me dude They can't do it I get I go through these torture deep tissue massage sessions That you need like a really strong dude I just I'm in pain right now Because I got a Thai chick to just Destroy me last night Oh really?

[664] I mean, she, I was crying.

[665] I was like, what is that?

[666] What stuff?

[667] She probably wouldn't make me cry, though.

[668] Because you're a real man. Take it.

[669] You're a manly man. I'm a savage.

[670] When it comes to time massages, no, they're, when they step on your back, especially, that is pretty intense shit.

[671] I went to one once, and this lady was standing on either side of my back, and she had her hands clamped on my wrist and had my arms, like, stretched back.

[672] And she was just walking up and down my back.

[673] And I was like, wow.

[674] Like, this lady's probably done this a thousand million times.

[675] She just had it down.

[676] It was almost like a jujitsu move.

[677] Right.

[678] Like you get really good at a triangle, and then you lock it in tight.

[679] It's just strong in that position.

[680] That's how she was with this crazy arm thing.

[681] When's the first time you got to massage by a guy, like years ago?

[682] A long time ago.

[683] First time was this Mexican dude who worked for one, I think it was a Mexican boxing team.

[684] But you had the conversation in your head, right?

[685] Yeah.

[686] It's not gay.

[687] I don't give a shit.

[688] No, no. He was, he wasn't gay.

[689] He was a married.

[690] No, no. I'm saying for you, you're like.

[691] We fucked a couple of times, but it was just because I owed him money.

[692] No, no, no. You had had massages by women and you had made up your mind.

[693] It's not strong enough.

[694] Actually, no. I need a man to do it.

[695] Actually, no. I'd never had a massage by a woman.

[696] I'd never had a massage, period.

[697] Oh, okay.

[698] And this guy was shocked that I was a competitive athlete.

[699] Right.

[700] And then I never had a massage.

[701] And then I had done all this martial arts competition and everything.

[702] I never had a massage.

[703] When I was young, like my approach to nutrition and vitamin supplementation and all that, it was really kind of crappy.

[704] Right.

[705] You know, and so I never got massages when I was competing.

[706] I never did any of that shit.

[707] This one dude who was a friend of a friend who had a problem with his shoulder, it's like, I'm telling you, man, this dude, like, changed the way my body moved.

[708] Like, he's, it doesn't feel good, it fucking hurts.

[709] Right.

[710] But when it's over, like, everything just sort of snaps and flows and moves good.

[711] It just, he loosens you up and he had this...

[712] Happy ending?

[713] No, happy ending.

[714] But he had this way of, uh, it was like, uh, I think it's called a, uh, a pressure release or point release or something like that style.

[715] of massage where he would just fuck trigger release it would just pinch down on these muscles and pull it across it fucking hurts man it's similar in a way to rolfing have you ever had that done yeah you know rolfing is another like really brutal form of uh massage i've had it all man that stuff's great though that that stuff if you work out a lot it's like what i went i had that conversation with myself too like years ago when i lived in new york there's a russian bathhouse like on the lower east side uh it's like a schvitz and all that shit And I was like, shit, I feel like shit, I should get a massage.

[716] And they're like, there's only, do you care?

[717] There's only guys.

[718] And I was like, at that point, I'd only gotten a massage from women.

[719] I'm like, what the fuck do I care?

[720] You know, it's not sexual.

[721] And it's like, guy.

[722] Cut two.

[723] Well, it's like, I had a problem of getting.

[724] Well, I had a problem of getting boners every time I got a massage, no matter what, just because I loved someone touching me like that, you know?

[725] So I had the, you remember the signfield where George is like, I think it moved with a guy.

[726] So I'm like, I don't even want to mistakenly get a bonner.

[727] But I was like, whatever.

[728] It was like an old, like, Eastern European guy.

[729] A bunch of Fador looking dudes.

[730] Not your type.

[731] I'm like, whatever.

[732] What he looked like?

[733] He was like an old man. If you had to compare him to a movie star.

[734] Is he in your same thing?

[735] Ben Ghazari.

[736] He looked like Ben Ghazari.

[737] He looked like Ben Ghazari.

[738] Who the hell's that?

[739] He's like, what are you watching indie films?

[740] Yeah.

[741] He's like the friends.

[742] Pretending shit's still black and white.

[743] Yeah.

[744] No, he's an actor.

[745] I think he was Vincent Gallo's dad in Buffalo 66.

[746] Oh my God.

[747] That was supposed to be a good movie It's really good It's about gambling Ben Ghazari Yeah Is he in your spank back?

[748] Wait, why do you want this visual right now?

[749] I don't know I'm trying to Oh, Ben Gazzara Yes Oh that guy's a bad motherfucker Yeah So I'm like A lot of shit So I'm like I'm not gonna get a boner during a Ben Gazzara massage Oh yes you would I would if it was Ben Gazzara Just out of respect And also I hadn't gotten a lot of massages Where I take all my clothes off I always like leave my boxers on or something So So I get in the room and he's like, he's dead.

[750] He goes, take your clothes off.

[751] And I'm like, all right, whatever.

[752] And then he puts the oil on and he starts massaging my butt.

[753] And I'm, it's, the butt is the exclamation point on his massage.

[754] It's shoulders back to butt.

[755] Caves back to butt.

[756] Oh, yeah.

[757] And I go, hey, you know, butt's not that sore.

[758] Doesn't, doesn't really, like, it's cool, like, thanks.

[759] And then he just started kneading my butt and start talking about how he misses home.

[760] home and this and I was like I was like dude you gotta stop touching my ass man I'm I'm over it like please stop doing that and then he kept doing it and I was like all right he kept doing it after you told him to stop well he was in a zone like just talking to himself like pretending like it wasn't happening he was ready to suck your deck I was like all right and that was the last time how many decks you think you probably sucked that week him or me that guy oh uh it's probably it's probably his move man yeah I don't know he probably I miss home the only way to get away from dismiss his penis and mouth.

[761] Come on.

[762] I just had the worst massage thing.

[763] I think I'm done now.

[764] I was in Santa Monica and it was like, I was trying to get...

[765] Think carefully if you want to say this on the air.

[766] Oh, yeah, yeah, it's fine.

[767] But I was actually thinking like, I'll just get a legit massage.

[768] This place was open really late though, but it looked really nice outside.

[769] You know, so I was like, are you open?

[770] And I think they might have just sent the last girl home because I saw this pretty decent looking girl walk out the side door.

[771] What time is it?

[772] 930.

[773] you know there's really for the most part no legit massages happening after 930 yeah like most massage places close down around 9 you know yeah but this was right down the street from boa so I'm like all right it can't be too crazy you know right all right so uh I go in and this really old fat Asian lady was there and I was like are you open and she's like oh yeah yeah yeah so I go in the room and I now just always take all my clothes off I don't even keep boxers on all the time now just in case if you know the girl's really hot that's cool you know but I just wanted a real massage and then she walks in wearing like a dress, no underwear and like cut really short and just fat and old like a grandma old and she was dressed up like totally changed clothes I heard somebody go to the bathroom so that means she went into the bathroom washed herself you know and stuff like that because she smelled like this perfume and then she gets on top of me removes the towel gets on top of me and just kept on bouncing like her her vagina was like on my butthole like it was just like oh she's like on me just bouncing and then she's just like not really massaged or anything I don't think so I think I don't I was freaked out and so I was just like play dead play dead play dead like don't even like don't make a noise I'm thinking like I hope she like really gets off me if she just would start massage me so suddenly she starts rubbing her hands on my back and her she had calluses or something because it just scratched and it was it hurt though like it felt like she was like stabbing me like hurry let's see like like so I'm just like ah ah and then like she flips me over eventually and stuff like that is there any point where you're like I'm gonna just leave right now um no because I didn't want to be rude and I thought she would she was kind of trying and then she started playing with my like butt and stuff like like a lot of places give you prostate massages and I'm trying to like tighten it up that's one of the funniest statements anybody you ever say a lot of places give you prostate muscle no it's pretty popular compared to what i'm i'm really good now at like what you said like when uncomfortable like shit like that i would be bad at leaving because yeah but like now i walk out of movies i walk out of massages i just get up i'm just like i'm not into this anymore and i just get up and i should have done that yeah it ended really bad and then when she flipped me over she just kept on like touching my dick and i'm like no like this and stuff like that and then she finally gave up and then came in and watched me like you didn't get hard for her no i couldn't no i seriously I didn't.

[774] I was so grossed out.

[775] I was like freaked out.

[776] I had my eyes got like...

[777] How many times have you been back?

[778] I'll never go back that.

[779] How many times have you jerked off thinking about it?

[780] Never.

[781] She's not in my spank bank.

[782] It was too gross.

[783] My spank bank.

[784] There's a massage place by my house.

[785] Which one?

[786] That...

[787] Listen, let's not name names.

[788] No, no, no. I don't want to get anybody in trouble here.

[789] I live in Korea town.

[790] Oh, cool.

[791] And I've been going to this place for over 10 years, you know?

[792] Do they have young girls?

[793] No, it's a...

[794] It's not a sex place.

[795] It's a complete legitimate massage.

[796] place and like joe when i go to a place when it's some like some white chick or something it's not a good massage you go to the tie place or you go to the korean place where they look like your mother they fucking rip your shit up dude they go fucking crazy like you know they give you they get in there they stand on your back they pound your shit and yeah afterwards you feel all svelte and nice and flowy whatever geos boxing gym in burbank there's a massage parlor that's connected to it Dude, dude, dude.

[797] No, no, no. That's good, legit massage.

[798] Legit massage.

[799] So this is a place I've been going to for 10 years.

[800] Not that much, but, you know, every time I know that I just want a regular massage, I know that some chick that looks like my mom or my aunt is going to give me a great massage, and then I'm done, you know?

[801] So I, but I haven't been back for a few years.

[802] I moved to New York, whatever.

[803] And my way of dealing that, that whole thing with me puking before going on shows is I started getting massages.

[804] And I'm like hard ones.

[805] I'm like, it has to be a hard, deep tissue.

[806] And I was like, I'm going to go back to that place.

[807] And so I already told this story, but I'll tell it quick.

[808] It's the same story as yours.

[809] All the, it's 9 .30 or 10.

[810] All the, you know, they're not ugly, but they're just older.

[811] And it's just the mama son.

[812] She's like, I'm like, oh, I'll just come back.

[813] And she's like, no, no, no, just come in.

[814] And I'm like, okay, never once even thought that I was going to get a hand job.

[815] you know i get in there she comes in and then i'm like oh the fucking lady the receptionist is giving you i'm like all right cool amazing massage cracks my neck cracking sounds back just fucking doing it and then uh you know she flips me over and starts jerking me off and i'm like oh that's what i thought when i came in it was always like a forty dollar massage place like a cheap korean massage and then it was seventy five dollars now or something like that i was like what a $30 increase and like what the fuck is that that's a bargain and a half you know if you're like what could they be doing different maybe it's an incense tax no maybe it's scented candles that they have to pay she flips me over and and and she goes like like like she just does a couple ball flicks like do you want this and i was like i was like no but i was like yeah and i would like no but you were like yeah yeah and you like 12 yeah exactly and i'm like there's and i was like whatever she did lots of hot oil I'm like whoa and then I'm pretty sure this is a massage parlor faux pa the thing the bell from someone else coming in hello is someone in here she goes okay wait so mid jerk she stops mid jerk she stops and I hear you know it's like a small place so I hear their whole conversation he's like hey is Rachel or Jenny working tonight's like no everyone go home wait 10 minute maybe five minute and I And I get, and the guys, you could tell he's like, no, I think I'll come.

[816] No, no, stay.

[817] I give you a discount.

[818] I give you a $10 discount.

[819] And he's like, ah.

[820] And I'm sitting there and my bone is just going, and I'm like, because you're seeing her actively be rejected.

[821] It's bad on both fronts.

[822] And just like, I got a break.

[823] I'm like, I could cut out right now.

[824] Right, right.

[825] And I'm like, I should leave.

[826] And then the negotiation is like, he's one foot out the door.

[827] He's like, I don't know.

[828] He's like, no, no, no, come in.

[829] I'll be done in five.

[830] No, three minutes.

[831] I'll be finished.

[832] Three minutes and like, I'm like, I'm going to get up.

[833] Okay, I'm going to, I'm going to like count to 10 in my head right now.

[834] 10, nine.

[835] When I get to one, I'm going to walk out the door.

[836] So I start sitting up and then she, the guy's like, I'm going to go.

[837] And he left and she runs back in.

[838] And she goes, lay down.

[839] And I go, okay.

[840] So lay down.

[841] And now I'm deflated.

[842] I'm like, I said, it's okay.

[843] I'm just going to go.

[844] And she goes, no, no, no. And she starts up again.

[845] And now she's just playing with my wet noodle.

[846] It's not, it's like there's too much thought in.

[847] And I go.

[848] Stop right there.

[849] Is there a sadder moment in life?

[850] No, it's tugging on your dick and you don't want them to?

[851] Yeah, I'm like, it's done.

[852] It's cool.

[853] This lady's face, and it's a dark room.

[854] She doesn't give a, she's a trained, trained assassin.

[855] She wasn't even worried for a second.

[856] She goes, okay, okay.

[857] She reaches behind her and tears a piece of saran wrap.

[858] And I go, what's going to happen now?

[859] I don't know what this is right now.

[860] And she fucking, like, put some shit on my ass, some lube.

[861] and she's like puts the serran she she holds my legs up like this and taps my legs like like hold your legs and i'm like okay so i'm holding my legs like this and i go i don't know what's going to happen right now but i'm going for it she puts the saran wrap over my butthole and i go she's going to lick my ass right now like through the saran wrap to this day besides the part where when i was a kid then i put a vacuum cleaner on my butthole i've never felt this before she didn't stick her tongue into my butthole she sucked my butthole she put her lips around my butthole and sucked and I was like never felt that before whoa, dick gets hard immediately a few seconds you shot a load without even jerking off yeah no she jerked me off but it was like how much time between her putting the saran wrap over your butthole and you shooting a load how much time?

[862] 15 seconds to put the sarin wrap five seconds to shoot oh my god she was got hard immediately immediately like I was like I've heard of girls putting their finger up a guy's bud and licking it and right she sucked the butt hole she sucked my butt hole so I I am filled with so much shame I'm like I'm like she's like and you know she just throws a towel on me she's like okay cool oh my god and I'm like you know does this lady when she goes to the supermarket and she buys the saran wrap does the lady know what she's going to use it for when she brings it home and the kids are like grandma why you buy so much saran wrap every week like oh my god I go in the car and I go I can never talk about this day and then I told what I mean it was how dare you how do you even lie to yourself like that well unlike Brian I've been back like several times now so and where is this again it was they hit hard times you know it went from a totally legit place to suck an asshole with saran wrap place you need to open your shit up a little more and quit judging so much you know oh he's not judging yeah I'm I had a horrible experience.

[863] He's just doing it for comedy's sake.

[864] Her hands hurt.

[865] She gave me zero massage.

[866] If she gave me some kind of massage, I would probably.

[867] You have to be honest, man. Just because you had a good experience doesn't mean you can't accidentally wind up with a demon.

[868] Yeah.

[869] We all know you can wind up with a demon.

[870] That's true.

[871] I had an old lady in Pasadena.

[872] She was soft hands.

[873] It was nice.

[874] Don't say names or places.

[875] She grind.

[876] You could, yeah.

[877] Brian, she grinded on her butthole with her gilf shaved pussy.

[878] You know, come on, man. What?

[879] Gilf.

[880] I'm like, oh, that's so dark.

[881] So, Joe, I got...

[882] So, Dave.

[883] We keep going on...

[884] First of all, that fucking story, is one of the greatest stories that I've heard of my life.

[885] I just got to tell you, it changed my way of thinking about you being single.

[886] Here's the thing, it's like, that experience was so important and so funny, and there's so few people that would express it with the same kind of honesty and glee that you do it with, that it's almost like a disservice to mankind if you decide to settle down.

[887] We have, like, a real hard.

[888] time with that and anybody who wants to stop your podcast is a cultural criminal well this is what i see after traveling a lot the this is what i see in chinese and italian culture and it's like in this society there's a lot of cry oh my god my husband cheated on me it's like yeah that's just sort of what guys do there's sort of almost like an acceptance in china and italy where you got your guma and you got your wife as long as your hand jobs and girlfriend shit doesn't fuck a fuck with your family it's almost like an understanding of the wife knows you're going to go get massage parlor hand jobs or have a girlfriend and it's like just don't put it in my face you know like you have a business meeting you guys are all going to fuck hookers get it but don't don't bring it back to me you know that's in a lot of european cultures as well right like the prime minister of france didn't he openly have they're like they're cool they're just like they're like i think monica balucci said it i wanted i want to ask you about this right this is an important subject okay What do you think is the cause for, I mean, is it the sexual puritanism of America where people would judge you on you being a nice person, you having fun and just doing, having these experiences which are readily out there for a lot of people, that somehow or another it's perhaps, perhaps, what am I, a lecturer, exploitative, or that people would have a problem with the idea of using prostitution, but at the end of the day, you're not really hurting anybody.

[889] Is that one of the most important issues to concentrate on?

[890] What is the reason why people do concentrate on it and get mad at you and judge you?

[891] Right.

[892] And I think it has to be based on insecurity.

[893] It has to be based on the idea that more men found out what you're doing.

[894] Of course.

[895] They would want to do it too.

[896] Well, A, you had those sex at Don guys in here.

[897] So there's a lot of like weird religious shit.

[898] Christopher Ryan?

[899] The guys that wrote the sex at dawn?

[900] Yeah, it's a guy.

[901] Right, right.

[902] Okay.

[903] And so I think a lot of it.

[904] Great guy, by the way.

[905] I think I owe my phone.

[906] Okay, so I went to the extreme version of that.

[907] I just came back from Afghanistan, right?

[908] Uh -huh.

[909] And you're not supposed to judge other cultures, right?

[910] And I get there, and I'm staying with a guy who runs, like, all the networks in Afghanistan, Sad Moseni.

[911] And he's letting us crash at his place.

[912] And everyone's like, oh, man, it's so backwards out there.

[913] Like, the girls, they wear the burkas, and you only see their eyes.

[914] In Afghanistan, you don't even see the eyes.

[915] it's a it's complete you don't see like mosquito netting you don't see flesh they're wearing gloves the shit goes to the feet you don't see flesh at all the dudes what are they wearing flip flops sweatpants they're chilling and it's like don't fucking touch my girl don't fucking look at her and and you go back to this whole thing with insecurity that's what it is it's like oh if she cheats on you if she talked to another guy yeah we stone her we beat the shit out of her.

[916] It's like, the reason why the Taliban has no problem getting female suicide bombers is because your life is miserable if you're a woman in fucking Afghanistan.

[917] You know, your husband beats you.

[918] And if you go to the police station to complain, then the fucking police beat you for complaining.

[919] And it's, it's just like, we had two girls that are Westerners, so they didn't have to wear the full burqa, but they still have to, like, cover their hair and wear jeans and long sleeve shirts or whatever.

[920] And they took us to, they took me to a calligraphy school to check out that like Arabic like calligraphy style I love that shit and they go hey if we go to the roof right now we could see the whole city it's a beautiful view I go cool let's check it out so they went up first and I was like drawing with some kid and then Critter was with me and he's like day get up here right now get up here and I'm like what we run up to the thing the two girls they were all standing on the ledge of the roof looking out at the whole city the junkyard tire shop below the guys working at the tire shop look up and see two white girls and they could see their face they start jerking off they pull their dicks out and start jerking off and they're saying la la waqba like like in a trance and you're like whoa crazy crazy it's like think about how much pussy you already saw today without even trying turning on the TV a Victoria's Secret ad a billboard you see flesh you go to the supermarket you go to fucking whole foods where the bitches are like wearing short shorts and it's sex is everywhere think about being a horny horny arab kid and then you see a fucking chick just her face they couldn't control themselves and then they saw us and then they stopped but it was like they went into a trance like that's amazing it was amazing i was like i never got so much joy watching another guy jerk off those weird levels of like intense religious control it all goes back to sex yeah it all goes back to fucking.

[921] Well, whether it does or it doesn't, it's all about control, but when you see that control implemented on people, there's always a rebound from it.

[922] Right.

[923] There's some crazy reaction to it, some fanatical, explosive reaction to it.

[924] Right.

[925] Yeah, we have a very real natural, built -in response to someone trying to control us.

[926] Right.

[927] And we either go with it full -heartedly and make it like it's our idea or we rebel against it and we hate it and we go the exact opposite direction like Catholic school girls who become sluts Right No nothing wrong to be in a slut Slut's a bad word No slut shaming on the Joe Rogan experience I don't believe in sluts I think there's people that do whatever the fuck they want to do I'm just saying I agree with you This society is whatever Every society has its problems For me personally I think if I were to ever get married I don't want to get into like some six Swinger shit or whatever But I think I need to be with like Some European or just hold out Until they have robots hold out until you can be monogamous The robots?

[928] What's that shit?

[929] You just show me the Silius Rift shit?

[930] Oculus Rift.

[931] Don't buy that.

[932] Don't buy that.

[933] I'm not going to.

[934] It's going to ruin your life.

[935] Until I know that I have to go to the mountains and fucking put up a high fence to keep the fucking crazy.

[936] I have some of those robots like the shittier ones and they're in my closet.

[937] I buy every time someone's like this is the next best thing.

[938] I buy it with that thought.

[939] When I go to the mountains and everyone's dead, at least I'll have this.

[940] But I don't.

[941] open the plastic because I know it'll ruin my life.

[942] That's too freaky right now.

[943] When you're dealing with things like, you know, rubber vaginas or fake boxes that you stick your dick into and they gyrate, you know it's fake.

[944] Even though it's enjoyable, it's a pleasurable sexual experience.

[945] It's removed from the sexual experience of having sex with a real woman.

[946] That's not going to be the case 50 years from now.

[947] 50 years from now, they're going to have robotics down to the point where they can have a real, bona fide, artificial woman who's warm and feels fucking.

[948] amazing.

[949] It is the hottest chick you've ever seen on the planet Earth.

[950] And you can have 10 of them in a warehouse charging by solar.

[951] But that will help overpopulation, don't you think?

[952] Well, it'll help a lot of things.

[953] But like, overpopulation is most certainly a bad thing.

[954] But one of the worst parts about it is that there's a depletion of resources and this sort of diminishing of the value of a human being when there's too many people.

[955] It's what I think about L .A. and I think about a lot of places, and it's one of the worries that I have about China, is the volume.

[956] Right.

[957] And I think my personal experience is I've lived in small towns, and I've lived in, you know, really big places.

[958] I've seen there's a different way that human beings treat each other when they don't see each other's often.

[959] There's less of them.

[960] They have more camaraderie.

[961] There's a number that becomes unmanageable.

[962] Right.

[963] I don't know what that number is.

[964] I think we've passed it.

[965] In Los Angeles, we certainly have passed it.

[966] But I think that's...

[967] Hurry up doctors with that rubber fake robot pussy.

[968] Make that shit quick.

[969] I don't think it's doctors or scientists or whatever.

[970] Yeah, scientists and inventors and modelers and people who are making artists.

[971] In the same way, you know, people, like adults get weird when they find out how obsessed kids are with video games.

[972] They're like, we had Pac -Man.

[973] I'm like, okay, look, what's Grand Theft Auto on right now?

[974] Five?

[975] Yeah.

[976] Like, when it was on two or three, you're like, wow, because you're like a guy running through a city and it feels like virtual reality.

[977] but like you said it's the guy still looks a little pixelated and the facial features you know they do like the stubble but it looks still like a computer I don't know what this says about me but like when I would kill hookers in Grand Theft Auto the body the bodies don't disappear as long as you keep shooting them so just stand over the hookers and keep shooting their vaginas oh my god but it's like you shouldn't admit to that well my little my little nephew walked in because I there was a time when i got out of prison i didn't have a place to live so i stayed with my cousin and i would play like like mickey mouse and the little kid video games and then when they went to sleep i'd play grand theft auto and he snuck in my room one day and you know when someone's in the room and they you know like someone's in the room but you didn't hear them so i stopped for a second i turn around like what are you doing he's like what are you doing uncle dave and i was like come in be quiet don't tell your mom how old is this kid he was like six years old he's ready he was ready but he was ready to see hook but i but they're like wait to wait to next one in the next one i'm like video games in the next 10 years it'll you'll be you it'll look exactly like you there'll be no glitches where it looks like a computer and so if you're in the game raping killing pillaging that's going to fuck with your head even more like when i played grand theft the second third one i'd after a day of just killing nonstop i'd walk outside and just feel weird you know but at least i knew it was still a video game bro there were some images that somebody posted in the Duncan Trussle thread on the Rogan board about another new technology that was akin to the invidia technology that looks absolutely insane I believe it's from Activision See if you can find that if you could pull those images up because what they're doing the virtual is going to be like really intense I can't wait for that robot pussy Yeah the robot the physical carbon based you know artificially created robot like what's her face what was that girl's name and blade runner who's it oh uh darrell hannah yes look at that that looks crazy yeah i mean it's it's yeah dude i met darrell hannah in 1994 yes at uh canter's deli in la and she was so incredibly normal like just a normal chick hanging out with her friends her friends were totally normal and it was it was a for me it was a very educational experience because I never thought that some woman who's first of all an attractive woman second of all a super famous splash yeah super famous actor right and she could be with a couple of her friends I think it was two guys and another girl and I could be with a couple of our friends and they were sitting next to us and invited us to talk to them just engaged us right like they were talking they were doing some game where you name the state and what's the capital or what's the state motto that's what it was with the state motto and they they were like engaging us come on help out like we we like they were like friendly super friendly like any normal person who you could sit next to if you were in a booth by you know yeah and that was cool it was really cool it was it was really cool because it was like oh these these like movie star people they're just fucking people man they're just fucking people that uh someone turns a camera on to right but like that's not going to happen when we all fuck robots there's no and the robots are going to know all the answers anyways her character they're going to be like Sacramento.

[978] Her character in Blade Runner was fucking bad ass, dude.

[979] She was the number one robot for that crazy little dude.

[980] I love that movie.

[981] Oh, that movie was good.

[982] That movie was so fucking amazing.

[983] And that movie was badass because of that Sean Young chick.

[984] She was hot, too.

[985] God damn, she was hot, dude.

[986] Not just hot, but like hypnotic.

[987] There was like something about her.

[988] Yeah, she had that look with her hair and everything.

[989] Her eyes, man. There was like a, there's a perceived innocence or something like that.

[990] To her is this robot character.

[991] That was just brilliant, man. Damn, my memory's going to shit.

[992] Dude, Blade Runner's all -time great movie.

[993] When I was younger, I got a weird job with Sean Young, and I can't remember it now.

[994] You had a job with her?

[995] Like some weird movie, I can't remember it now.

[996] And you know what happened to her, man?

[997] She kind of went off the rails.

[998] Yeah, what happened to her?

[999] She went off the rails.

[1000] It was too much pressure.

[1001] I think being a famous movie star is got to be so, being a famous guy like you or is a famous artist.

[1002] You're famous kind of for being crazy.

[1003] And, you know, the amount of, like, mainstream.

[1004] TMZ type pressure you get is very non -existent or minimal You just enjoy it You enjoy it You just like But that Tom Cruise shit Right Like where she was at She was at that Sean Young was in like all the That's her name right Sean Young Yeah yeah She was in like that movie With Kevin Costner Right What was that movie?

[1005] She's in a gang of fucking movies Man She was a big time There's more pressure for women Because it's like You have a window to just do All this shit You have a window to do all this shit in And there's a freak out of being this one person that all these people are focusing on that is so completely unnatural.

[1006] You are you're supercharging your system.

[1007] It's like putting a blower on a Mustang and revving the engine much higher than it's supposed to go.

[1008] I stay the fuck away from actresses bro.

[1009] Like that's horrible.

[1010] I would never generalize like that because I've met a lot of really cool actresses that I love being friends with but as far as like dating them.

[1011] Yeah, friends is fine.

[1012] I don't want to date anybody is anything like me. I don't want to date anybody who's even remotely as crazy as I am.

[1013] That's what I'm saying.

[1014] So when I date a chick that she's like, you got to quit the podcast.

[1015] I'm like, that's sort of like fuck you, bitch, but then also like that's sort of a good instinct.

[1016] You know, like, but you know, there's people that it works out.

[1017] Like Tom Seguer and his wife, Christina Pazitsky, do you know, you know Tom Seguer?

[1018] hilarious stand -up comedian.

[1019] And his wife is fucking brilliant, like a really funny comic.

[1020] And they're married and they're happy and it works.

[1021] I got to finish telling you about the Mexican comedian because he just brought up.

[1022] Oh, I guess.

[1023] Okay.

[1024] I love what you're drawing right now, by the way.

[1025] My best drawing.

[1026] I said, I told you I met the greatest comedian ever in Mexico.

[1027] That's not possible.

[1028] I'll tell you.

[1029] And you fucking tell me if...

[1030] So I'm fucking my Mexican girlfriend.

[1031] Mm -hmm.

[1032] And it's not like she's joking with me. She's almost nervous to tell me this.

[1033] It's like, we're fucking and she's drunk and she's like, I have a little piece.

[1034] Like, she was super nervous.

[1035] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1036] Nervous.

[1037] That was never resolved.

[1038] Yeah.

[1039] So I'm going to resolve it right now.

[1040] Or I...

[1041] Okay.

[1042] it was never resolved you're correct it was never resolved and and i'm analyzing the i'm like was she joking no because she was super nervous to even tell me we fuck and i'm like ha ha ha is that is that is that is that is that it like she falls asleep i fall asleep she's she's out she's drunk we fuck she's out and i'm like this am i gay did i just fuck a hermaphrodite i don't sleep at all the next morning she has to get up early to go to work i go Hey, remember that thing you said last night?

[1043] She's like, what?

[1044] She's like, you know, you said something last night?

[1045] And she's like, I got to go.

[1046] She, like, runs out.

[1047] And I'm like, whoa, no closure, no, whatever.

[1048] And I had three or four days left in Mexico, you know?

[1049] And I was like, I need to find out if I'm gay now.

[1050] This should be on vice.

[1051] Why is this not?

[1052] Why haven't you, like, written this for vice?

[1053] Because I'm telling you right now, you know?

[1054] So she, so then.

[1055] every day so we fucked like every night until i left and every night she always says turn the lights off never leaves the lights on always leaves the socks on and does she have dude feet and no no no won't let and won't let me finger her because of the paint and so well i got the paint oh paint so i'm scrubbing and i go look they're clean tonight she's like no no no don't think just fuck me and i'm like is it a thing that comes out like this like alien there's so many questions i go I go hey that thing the extra piece was that a joke she's like and her face turns red like don't bring it up and I'm like I'm with a fucking hermaphrodite wow this is crazy and you didn't go down on it right you didn't ever go no I went down a dude I went searching bro I wanted answers you know I try to go deep I try to get the answers so damn son never got the answer okay no closure look you dude you got to do in certain situations just got to back out This is...

[1056] This is two months ago.

[1057] But you really liked her.

[1058] I really like her, still talk to her.

[1059] Can't stop thinking about her.

[1060] So she just doesn't want to talk about that.

[1061] She doesn't want...

[1062] And I accept it now.

[1063] I love it now.

[1064] I love that she's a guy.

[1065] But she...

[1066] It doesn't sound like she is a guy.

[1067] She's a hermaphrodite.

[1068] Did her pussy taste like pussy?

[1069] It's delicious.

[1070] Well, what does it feel like?

[1071] It feels different?

[1072] Like guacamole.

[1073] No, when you're actually having sex.

[1074] No, it feels...

[1075] When you make it love.

[1076] It felt great.

[1077] You know, she has a wonderful vagina.

[1078] She's a great girl Okay Didn't you say something like On your podcast That she was disconnected with sex She was a little She was a weird She was a weird chick You know Okay but what are you saying Though This is what I'm saying So this is two months ago No closure And in the two months I've accepted that she's a guy Or has male parts No problem Wowza And she she avoids the thing And she's texting me Last night She goes Hey you know that little piece I told you about and I go yes yes finally closure she goes I was joking I go this is why she's the best comedian to fucking drop a line like that on a dude and tell the punchline two months later while he's racking his brain I was like you're a fucking genius comedian let me pause for a moment you tell a joke that has a fucking punchline two months later oh my god that is one possibility another possibility is she decided to tell you that it was a joke because you were pressing the issue and you wanted to talk about it a lot and that was the best way for her you understand that though it very well could have been a hermaphrodite not that there's anything wrong with the hermaphrodite Joe it's not like when her some sort of a chromosomal test you just she told you something you're right and you declared her the greatest community never or maybe it was a hemorrhoid it could have been a hemorrhoid did they get them up though listen you can get a cyst you can get a cyst listen guys once that pop out when her little dick went into my dick hole it was the most amazing feeling I ever felt in my life We just hit a low point She easily could be a her mouth And I just didn't want to talk about it Yeah I That's a good way to say I was just joking How do you deal with people This is a good question for you That say they don't listen to you But they do They don't listen to you Yeah they go I don't listen to your podcast That's okay But they know But they do and they like I don't care You know No if you want to listen Listen if you don't listen If you want to tell me You don't listen Right You're either doing it one, you're either trying to inform me, like, I don't know what you do.

[1079] Like, no, just being normal.

[1080] Right.

[1081] Or you're being dismissive.

[1082] You know, it's possible that you could say it, like, in a way that, like, David Show, I don't listen to your podcast.

[1083] Right, right.

[1084] You know, where you're like, whoa, like, I wouldn't waste my time listening to you fucking talk.

[1085] No, but here's the thing.

[1086] I talked about this on my show, and I'm thinking, did she hear it?

[1087] And so that's why she called me. Yeah.

[1088] But she doesn't, she doesn't, like, follow me on Twitter or Facebook or any of this shit.

[1089] And she really, you know.

[1090] What sounds like it was a very strong.

[1091] strange thing for you and almost indicative of like life itself.

[1092] Whether it was like itself is never perfect.

[1093] Whether it was a joke or not, whether she really forgot to tell me the punchline or like whatever the case I accepted it.

[1094] Well accepting it is definitely nothing wrong with that but that's not the funniest comedian on the face man. Come on Joe to someone you're having sex what if it's most likely an excuse but it's not most likely a joke.

[1095] What if your wife just out of tonight just all fucking totally serious that I used to be a guy and you're like what are you talking about and then she didn't tell you the truth a month later that's pretty funny well that's a long like guess it could be I guess it could be funny you know if you were the right guy and she was the right girl and she said it the right way I guess it could be funny started crying go I never ever told David show god damn it it also could be that she's lying to you because she doesn't like to talk about it and she really is something like hermaphrodite it's possible too dude I mean unless you're going to go in Minovia, if you're listening out there, baby.

[1096] Don't say her name.

[1097] No, I just said sweetheart in Spanish.

[1098] Oh, there you go.

[1099] Minovia.

[1100] If you're listening, I hope you're not lying.

[1101] Listen, it doesn't matter, man. I hope it wasn't a joke.

[1102] Listen, you're not looking to have a family, are you?

[1103] I can't wait.

[1104] Are you looking to have a family right now?

[1105] I'm starting to think about having kids without the wife part.

[1106] Like adopting or freezing my sperm and doing the whole surrogates or whatever.

[1107] I don't know.

[1108] Just freeze the baby.

[1109] I think I'm starting to think about having a family.

[1110] family but you know like I said gay or not gay I hang out with a lot of dudes and so like Critter who I hang out with all the time is like fuck you get a girlfriend I'm gonna have to have a girlfriend and it's like what because then what kind of logic is that because we hang out all the time so I said why don't we just share you could get Monday once they'll get Tuesday Thursday you're such a slap your seconds you could no you automatically offered up the first three days I'm like you could get money you could get the p -hole I'll take the B hole and come on Joe So many women right now They're so angry No we'll find This podcast is bullshit I don't think I would have a problem by the way If the girl had a pussy boner I don't think I don't think if she If she acted like a girl She was beautiful You're such a pussy burn You couldn't even get hard for the grandma Yeah come on I'm not a pussy though like if I mean She went to the bathroom and cleaned up for you Well listen man The bottom line is you were enjoying the experience Until your perception Of who she was and the whole male -female paradigm shifted.

[1111] She became this oddity to you, like a damaged goods.

[1112] This is all, this is, no, this is.

[1113] Right?

[1114] Right.

[1115] Well, this is the thing.

[1116] I need a second.

[1117] And this is for, like, I didn't like avocados growing up.

[1118] I love them now.

[1119] Me too.

[1120] It took me a second.

[1121] It took, my mom's like, eat this.

[1122] I go, oh, it's green.

[1123] It probably tastes like a watermelon.

[1124] It tastes like, shit.

[1125] I love guacamole now.

[1126] I had uni, sea urchin for the first time.

[1127] I was like, this is disgusting.

[1128] It's my.

[1129] favorite food now.

[1130] It took me a second.

[1131] I get to China.

[1132] The girls have thin mustaches.

[1133] I go, what the fuck is that?

[1134] Because they don't care about waxing and bleaching.

[1135] I go, that's gross because it's not normal to me. I'm in China for three months.

[1136] Sort of into it.

[1137] Like it now.

[1138] I'm starting to have sex with Arab women.

[1139] They have hairy asses.

[1140] Whoa.

[1141] Grossed out.

[1142] Want to puke.

[1143] Sort of into it now.

[1144] Just give me a second.

[1145] Give me a second.

[1146] You got a little dick inside your pussy gross give me one month to adjust I'm from America I was born in Los Angeles I live in Western society I'm not used to dicks I'm not used to hairy asses I'm not used to mustaches but just I'm open minded give me a second to just open wider and accept your mustache your hairy ass your dick in your pussy just give me a second I'll eat the avocado I'll eat the sea urchin I I, you know, like, you weren't like avocado.

[1147] Avocado tastes like shit.

[1148] I'm never going to eat it again.

[1149] It grew on you.

[1150] It took a second, you know.

[1151] I hated it.

[1152] I spit it out.

[1153] Well, I just realized it was just a texture issue that the actual taste of it was fairly bland.

[1154] Right.

[1155] In fact, it has a lot of health benefits.

[1156] But you're a kid and you want candy.

[1157] You want, you want watermelon.

[1158] You want fruit that tastes good, you know?

[1159] Well, the problem is you find out about candy.

[1160] That's the real problem.

[1161] You find out something that gives you this drug rush.

[1162] Right.

[1163] I mean, kids that get high on.

[1164] sugar like have you ever seen kids eat cake they turn into fucking demons they go running around me in their crank that guy out there eats more candy than anybody he's not a kid but he is sort of but you know what I'm saying it's like it's clearly a drug right so of course they don't want to eat guacamole guacamole doesn't give them that drug right they want that drug that comes from those I have a that you know those fucking things that they do that those powders those fucking things that kids eat where it's literally a tube of sugar there's like pixie sticks crack open the end The fun dip.

[1165] It's drugs.

[1166] Nerds, nerds rope.

[1167] Crazy sugar drug.

[1168] I still get fun dip.

[1169] It's so bad for you, too.

[1170] They say that sugar is just almost toxic.

[1171] Sugar is just almost toxic for you.

[1172] I know, but like I'm saying, like all these things, you know, I don't, what are you doing?

[1173] Like, have you ever been with a chick with a, like, a Middle Eastern girl with a hairy butt?

[1174] Yes.

[1175] And what did you do?

[1176] You're like, well, I was back in the 80s.

[1177] Or people had hairy butts It was a normal thing What's worse is when they have catfish whiskers And in certain lights you can see it And you're like It's like but see what we're doing now Is that that episode of Seinfeld When he finds the one thing wrong Like the chick has the big hands or whatever And it's like You know I had sex with this girl I go to the bathroom We had sex in the dark And I turn the lights on to take a piss And I look at the bed And she has a hairy ass I'm like that I'm gonna puke in the toilet While I'm pissing right now And I go just slow down just accept that it's someone from another culture you know like women I sleep with a lot of women where I'm their first Asian and they do the oh you have no hair on your body I go yeah I'm Asian like we're not hairy people you know it's like being with a girl I'm like cool oh how rude how rude it's interesting how porn has completely triumphed in the area of pubic dress But it's back.

[1178] It's coming back.

[1179] It is a little bit, but it's just contrarianism.

[1180] For the most part, people prefer a groomed area.

[1181] It's because HD, you know?

[1182] It's, it may be.

[1183] It was before that.

[1184] There was some trimming done before that.

[1185] They want to hire the bumps?

[1186] Well, it was because when pornography became, like, really prevalent.

[1187] That's what it is.

[1188] Pornography became really prevalent, and then along the way, like, people started, like, looking at the aesthetic of, you know, male balls covered in hair that creeps all the way up to your asshole.

[1189] Right.

[1190] And girls with giant crazy bushes.

[1191] go to the inside of their thighs, and they just decided to make alterations on porn.

[1192] And then people, whether they admit it or not, are massively affected by pornography.

[1193] Oh, of course.

[1194] And then the shift happened where, I mean, this is a good percentage of the population of this country, at least, that trims their hair basically based on the aesthetic that porn established.

[1195] Definitely.

[1196] Definitely.

[1197] Right?

[1198] Yeah.

[1199] It's weird.

[1200] No. Because it's an untalked about thing.

[1201] It's an undiscussed thing.

[1202] It's a denied thing.

[1203] It's like it's a darkness that we just like.

[1204] Meanwhile, they're getting billions of hits every day.

[1205] Do you trim your shit or you just let it grow up?

[1206] Oh, I trim my shit.

[1207] Well, I have to trim it too because it also gets caught in the hair and my balls gets caught in my cup.

[1208] Like, and if you're doing jiu -jitsu...

[1209] You know your shit's getting long when your ball hair gets stuck in your asshole hair.

[1210] Oh, that's never happened.

[1211] So it makes like a dreadlock, a taint dreadlock.

[1212] Yeah, that's not good.

[1213] You need better hygiene than that.

[1214] You need better standards.

[1215] You need to not let it get to that point.

[1216] Well, Joe, because I've been naked around lots of different men in different countries, because of prison or whatever it's like yes when i when i'm when i was homeless here in america and i was showering at 24 -hour fitness then i'm like in a giant shower with a bunch of men and like yeah for the most part you look down for a second and you're like well people shave their shit it's like okay cool then i'm in prison in japan and i you know it's a bath culture it's not a shower culture and i look down and i'm like oh wow these guys don't shave their shit at all well first of all, porn in Japan, it's pixelated.

[1217] So you never really see anything anyways.

[1218] What is the, they pixelate genitalia or pubs?

[1219] The whole area.

[1220] Just the whole area.

[1221] But they don't, they don't shave their shit down there.

[1222] So their pubs are the same pubs that grew from when they were a kid.

[1223] So they have beards.

[1224] Their pubs are longer than their dicks.

[1225] My goodness.

[1226] So I get out of the bathtub.

[1227] I, you know, I keep my shit tight, you know, and I get out with my dick and balls hanging out.

[1228] And then these guys come out.

[1229] And you just see a black beard with like a red dot with the tip of their dick.

[1230] And you're like, oh, it looks like a. cute like homeless guy you know like but yeah those things are all informed by pornography they don't watch in japan they don't watch american pornography so of course they don't shave their shit that's fascinating is coming back well it's fascinating though that it sort of gets a step i would imagine that bush is coming back i'm out there i'm out on the front line i'm telling you it's nothing wrong with it but like look even bell bottoms came back no but it's back right oh yeah definitely i mean that almost like i'd say five years ago every girl i was with had no hair or like a tiny thin strip of whatever.

[1231] Now, almost all girls have some kind of...

[1232] They probably heard that crabs were going extinct and they got sad.

[1233] They wanted to save the crab.

[1234] Grow your bush, save the crab.

[1235] It's cyclical, you know?

[1236] Well, how come everybody doesn't want the crabs to live?

[1237] They want to save, like, wood owls.

[1238] I love seafood.

[1239] I love crustacean.

[1240] No, the ones that grow in your bush.

[1241] Yeah, I eat those crabs like Daryl Hannah eats the lobster and splash.

[1242] Little tartar sauce, a little, you know...

[1243] cocktail sauce going to Red Lobster right after this what's it like hanging out with De Antwer because I know you guys are friends man and that's I love them and they must be very interesting too do you ever paint with them yeah I've okay first of all I love those guys and do you know who De Anword is oh fuck yeah dude I love them but I don't love one of their new songs they got some new song you know they're just going for it doing everything there was that fuck you in the ass song what Diff in your ass on, I was like, okay, what are you doing, man?

[1244] What the hell is this?

[1245] That's great.

[1246] I like some of his really earlier shit, too.

[1247] They did some really interesting early stuff.

[1248] But do you hang out with a lot of artists in general?

[1249] Comedians.

[1250] Okay, so comedians are artists.

[1251] I mean, I have a few friends that are artists, artists, artists, chefs, martial artists.

[1252] Most people that are highly, highly creative are sort of...

[1253] Fucking crazy.

[1254] They're crazy as fuck.

[1255] And then you try to, like, do normal shit with them, and then you're like, Why are they doing this?

[1256] Oh, yeah.

[1257] Because they're fucking crazy.

[1258] Well, that's what makes them tick.

[1259] You know, like every comedian that I know is out of their fucking mind.

[1260] Exactly.

[1261] And I love Ninja and I love Yolandi.

[1262] Ninja's one of probably the most creative people.

[1263] Like, he'll do a song and like he goes, and then the part goes like this.

[1264] And he'll sing every part of the song.

[1265] And he goes, and then the music video is going to go like this.

[1266] And he'll act out everyone's part in the music video and what the lighting's going to look like and down to the costumes and there's going to be a lion and this and did you do you ask for this or does it just like happen in the middle of a conversation he goes he goes can i tell you like a quick story how is it do it doing his accent you were about to oh i you bailed out of it can tell you a quick story about a sad africa the best is he can do a perfect american accent and not like a gangster he's like you ever heard jim jeffreys hey dave how's it going um jim jim jephry's the australian comedian has the most eerie american accent really Like he does an American guy, and you're like, yikes.

[1267] It's too good.

[1268] It's like too good.

[1269] They can do us, apparently, way easier than we could do them.

[1270] Because we're speaking normal.

[1271] I'm not sure if that's the case.

[1272] That's why.

[1273] Hey, man, good eye, mate.

[1274] What is normal?

[1275] Can you decide somewhere along the line that your way of talking is better than mine?

[1276] Yes.

[1277] And the way that you do that is the language of English is spoken in Australia, England, England, America, and people make fun of a crocodile.

[1278] They do the crocodile.

[1279] Yeah, but England.

[1280] And then you take someone, you take a Japanese exchange student who doesn't speak English, and you go, learn English.

[1281] What are they going to do?

[1282] They're going to listen to American movies.

[1283] They can understand Americans.

[1284] They can't understand British people.

[1285] They can't understand Australians.

[1286] They're like, I don't, what?

[1287] We speak normal, like normal people.

[1288] That's ridiculous.

[1289] Everybody in England who grows up in England knows how to understand people from England.

[1290] Everybody in America.

[1291] Everyone in England can understand us.

[1292] We can't understand them.

[1293] That's interesting.

[1294] A thick, thick British accent.

[1295] Give me a fucking break.

[1296] I'm like...

[1297] That is interesting.

[1298] It goes, hey, what did you just say?

[1299] He's like, oh, fucking doors.

[1300] I'll be like...

[1301] But if you were living there, you would understand him pretty clearly.

[1302] If you were in his neighborhood.

[1303] We're speaking proper English, Joe.

[1304] We're speaking...

[1305] This is like slang.

[1306] I'm not like this.

[1307] I'm not like trying really hard.

[1308] So what we did is basically the Brazilian jiu -jitsu of English.

[1309] We took the original Japanese English, and we made it more badass with some extra guard submissions and shit.

[1310] How come when they have like some British movies, sometimes they got to put fucking subtitles on that shit?

[1311] Because you don't know what the fucking guys are.

[1312] Not me, man. I get offended.

[1313] If they have movies like Snatch and they put subtitles, I get offended.

[1314] Like, I want to be trying to figure it out.

[1315] But you have to concentrate.

[1316] Well, I do when I interview fighters.

[1317] I've had, like, Paul Kelly, he's a gentleman.

[1318] I've had an interview in the UFC.

[1319] Michael Bisping's guy from Manchester.

[1320] These guys have incredible accents.

[1321] Bisping has gotten much better at speaking in like more clear.

[1322] He slows it down a little bit.

[1323] But English people and Irish people, they talk faster.

[1324] They have a faster way of combining the words together.

[1325] I had a fucking guy come up to me. I had a conversation with a dude in Belfast, Northern Ireland.

[1326] We're getting drunk at a bar.

[1327] There was a UFC there.

[1328] And just me and Eddie Bravo went down to this bar.

[1329] And we said, let's just tie one on with these Belfast people.

[1330] And I think Dave Bishop was probably there too Who's the local comedian that we did a gig with This fucking dude was talking to me I didn't have a clue As to what he was saying We were hammered And he was telling me how we fight He'll fight the basic The basic script was I'll fight any man He was just telling me no letting me know He'll fucking fight anybody You know it's I'll fight any man Chagradale He'll bring him in here I don't care.

[1331] I'll fight any man. I barely could understand him.

[1332] It was like this crazy game I was playing, like staring into his eyes.

[1333] He's struggling to comprehend his world.

[1334] And this is like the shit everyone always wonders about, right?

[1335] You got the dude that's the Jacks from Sons of Anarchy.

[1336] You got all these actors that have that accent, right?

[1337] I'll fight any man. But then they're in movies and TV shows speak or when they do songs, accent just magically disappears.

[1338] and then they're back doing the interview and it comes back.

[1339] So they could turn it off they could turn that shit off.

[1340] Now when they're drunk in a bar and that's some dude who actually lives in Belfast, some local boxer, he's ready to throw down and fight any man. What do you fight me?

[1341] Oh fuck yeah.

[1342] They want to fight.

[1343] Those people, when we're in Belfast, you're driving around and they have these cars, these cop cars that have bulletproof windows and these giant metal plates and bomb -proof shielding all over the car.

[1344] Like their cars are designed, the cop cars are designed to absorb bombs.

[1345] Pull up, pull up some pictures of them.

[1346] Belfast, Northern Ireland, cop cars, bomb protection.

[1347] They like to fucking party.

[1348] It's a different kind of a world.

[1349] I mean, they went through some crazy fucking shit.

[1350] They went through a crazy war, like fairly recently.

[1351] Right.

[1352] Between, you know, essentially people that are right next door to them.

[1353] Right.

[1354] Joe, I got to ask you a question.

[1355] Okay, David.

[1356] I like being scared.

[1357] Like, I like thinking about how I'm going to fight.

[1358] myself if guys were trying to rate me i like doing a podcast something that i've never done challenging myself i like trying stand up something i never done before so i like being scared and challenging myself me too never been in a professional fight i've used to fight all the time when i was a kid i'm 37 now i haven't been in a real fight in over eight years now if i wanted to have one like shitty pro undercard fight how much training would i have to do you'd have to do a lot A lot, like for a year?

[1359] Years.

[1360] If you want to be safe.

[1361] I don't want to be safe.

[1362] Well, you're not in shape right now.

[1363] You don't have...

[1364] Totally not in shape.

[1365] Okay.

[1366] Do you do any kind of sport?

[1367] Nothing that allows you to move quickly.

[1368] You're in a lot of trouble.

[1369] How old are you?

[1370] 37.

[1371] You're going to get hurt.

[1372] Don't do it.

[1373] I'm definitely going to get hurt.

[1374] No, no, no, no. Listen, this is a romanticism that people have about getting hurt.

[1375] I have no...

[1376] Joe, I have no problem getting hurt.

[1377] It's going to change your thought process.

[1378] Okay, okay.

[1379] Do you understand this?

[1380] No, no, yeah.

[1381] Like, it's going to change who you are as a human being.

[1382] Like, you don't understand head trauma.

[1383] If you've had, if you've, I've been hitting my head my entire life.

[1384] I bet you've been really lucky.

[1385] I've been severe head trauma.

[1386] You've been really lucky.

[1387] I've been in comas and shit, man. I bet you have.

[1388] I believe you.

[1389] But it all works still.

[1390] Yeah.

[1391] There could be at any point in time, right.

[1392] It could be the tipping point.

[1393] And head trauma is just no joke.

[1394] And any unnecessary head trauma that you want to introduce into your life.

[1395] I always think is a terrible idea.

[1396] And what I know is, if there's a guy who's 37 years old and has never had any point.

[1397] martial arts thing?

[1398] Do you do pro fights?

[1399] I don't do anymore.

[1400] Well, I don't even spar.

[1401] I don't even kickbox spar.

[1402] I do jiu -jitsu spar, but I won't kickbox spar because it's not worth it.

[1403] Okay.

[1404] You only, listen to me, man. You only can get hit a certain amount of times in your head.

[1405] Right.

[1406] And if you think it's like cute to go out there and have an MMA fight.

[1407] No, I don't think it's...

[1408] Just because you want to experience it.

[1409] It's fucking dangerous for you.

[1410] No, I know.

[1411] I know I'm most likely not going to win and I know I'm most likely going to get the shit kicked out of me. But you don't want that, man. I'm telling you.

[1412] I got my best friend asking me that he could easily rate me. I would like to be able to defend him.

[1413] You're not going to beat that guy.

[1414] You're not.

[1415] I met that guy.

[1416] That guy's too big.

[1417] He's too big.

[1418] A guy like that, you're going to have to become some sort of a black belt in jiu -jitsu.

[1419] You're going to have to be able to wrestle him to the ground.

[1420] Okay.

[1421] So I appreciate the concern for the head trauma because I've had been extremely damaged in my head before.

[1422] I've had been knocked out, all that shit.

[1423] Yeah, it's not fucking awesome.

[1424] I've been knocked out where I wake up and I don't know who I am, like that kind of shit.

[1425] So I'm not under any, like, misconception.

[1426] of it's going to be like a cakewalk or anything, but I'm just saying, will you you train me?

[1427] No way, no way.

[1428] I don't want to be a part of it.

[1429] There's too many variables.

[1430] You want to fight me, Brian?

[1431] Here's a bunch of the variables, okay?

[1432] You're in shape.

[1433] First of all, you don't, you got to have to pick a guy.

[1434] Right.

[1435] And you're going to have to pick a guy that's commensurate.

[1436] Right.

[1437] I love saying that word.

[1438] It makes me feel such.

[1439] What is that mean?

[1440] Means like similar, like the same level.

[1441] I want to fight a guy bigger than me. Okay.

[1442] What are you doing, man?

[1443] What are you trying to get hurt for, do you trying to be a hero?

[1444] No, I don't know.

[1445] I just want to, I don't know.

[1446] Look, I know a dude who lost his sense of smell.

[1447] He took a beating and lost his sense of smell.

[1448] And it was just a one, two, head kick combination.

[1449] Okay, I lost a sense of smell.

[1450] I'm fat and I'm the most out of shape and fattest I've ever been.

[1451] But I have the X factor.

[1452] I'm ferocious.

[1453] I won't stop.

[1454] Good luck with that shit.

[1455] I won't stop.

[1456] That's not going to help you at all, not even a little bit.

[1457] People think that being tough is going to help you.

[1458] I'm tough.

[1459] I'm ferocious.

[1460] That's just going to get you hurt more.

[1461] That's just going to mean you're going to take more punishment.

[1462] So then I'll tap about then if I'm getting fucking the shit kicked out of me?

[1463] Okay.

[1464] Well, then what happens?

[1465] You got damage to your brain.

[1466] Have you just tried bondage?

[1467] Look, if you fight a guy, here's my, here's my recommendation in this area.

[1468] If you really think about doing it, if you want to do it, you want the same kind of thrill, you can get a very similar thrill from doing a jujitsu match.

[1469] Or just getting your butthole licked by old ladies?

[1470] No, because that, you know, when you tap out, it's your responsibility with the butthole thing's going on.

[1471] So you're telling me to stick to just getting massages by men?

[1472] Well, I just think that it's not to be fucked.

[1473] with head trauma is not to be fucked with right right people die man there was a kid in Ireland that died really recently in a rugby match right and he had he got knocked out a guess and then he got knocked out again and died well here's the thing I know for sure I have a glass jaw like if you hit me in my jaw I knock out but my entire life I'm Korean I have a thick head we have big heads right that's how you can tell Asians apart like Koreans usually have bigger heads big moon pie faces no if you see like a Chinese Japanese and a Korean we usually our heads are a little bigger right i've been kicked punched like like i've had a lot of head trauma and it all for the most part still works my memory's going to shit a little bit but aside from that i can fucking for the most part function okay and i could listen if you're willing to take this chance and possibly alter the way your mind works if you're going to be intelligent about it because you're an intelligent guy what you would want to do is dedicate yourself to martial arts first yeah before you ever actually do it and it's going to take a long time you're going to have to learn how first of all to defend yourself and b you're going to have to learn to be proficient in something i well i have my background is judo i grew up i grew up doing judo and i how good are you i was i was i was i was a lot of awards well what was your belt what belt did you get uh green or something okay i didn't i didn't get a black belt but i won every single judo match i was in well that listen i was like the part you're not an amateur i'm not a novice joe i'm talking uh 15 years old was the last time yeah but there's an understanding there like what you know i wrestled in high school.

[1474] There was no punching in judo, but I never lost.

[1475] I wrestled in high school and I didn't do any grappling again until I went to Jiu -Jitsu, which is like almost 10 years later.

[1476] Right.

[1477] And I remembered it, like instantly.

[1478] It just came right back to me. Because your body develops as a young man, understanding how to pin someone, understanding how to grapple and get gable grips and how to use your hips to spraw.

[1479] You just comes back to you.

[1480] And I think that like having that background, especially at that age 15 that's big learning something and getting really good at it where you're competitive at it when you're 15 that's like such a developmental period it becomes like sort of a part of who you are as a person but the thing with me is i my bones break easy oh jesus so i've and i just what the fuck are you doing i i just quit like i broke my collarbone in judo i quit i play baseball i broke my other collarbone i quit i play football i broke my ankle i quit it's like anytime i break a bone i'm like okay that was that you know well it's not hard to break your ankle or your collarbone doing any of those things whether it's judo or football or baseball that sounds in line i mean it might not even be that your your bones break easy it might be that you're just a little bit too ferocious i'll hug the shit out of you no but you know what i'm saying you're like going for it no i really like when i's how people injure themselves often my parents were like you have to or my dad was like you have to learn some kind of martial art you're asian you have to wow i was like we you know we we were not into sports brusely set the bar we had long hair we fucking didn't we listen to heavy metal we didn't care about anything my you know it's like when a guy has three sons and he's like yes they're gonna watch sports with me whatever we didn't fucking give a shit about we were nihilus we like we don't care about shit and why is that i don't know what happened we just we like we would we would go to school like my dad would take a sack full of balls and just pour it out in front of us on the weekends and go what do you guys want to play softball baseball uh kick kick ball handball football football football ball basket he'd have every ball and be like what do you guys want to do and we're like nothing we don't want to do any i don't know we just we were just very like we don't care about anything we don't when you look back on like what turned you into who you are today this sort of wild dude do you have any one thing that like stands out as being the the i don't give a fuck there's not one there's not one um like incident but it's a combination of racism uh humiliation and like just never getting laid you know so just lack of good experiences and a lot of bad experiences just unbelievable amount of anger you know like going to a school where everyone makes fun of you for being Asian going to some place where every girl rejects you and then within your own family having this insane sex drive where just everyone just catches me jerking off all the time like just the oh I'm sleeping well don't you think though that when you're really young I mean, a humiliation, like, oh, my God, my mom just saw the tip of my dick hard.

[1481] But don't you think that when you're, like, really young, really stressed out and really fucked up, that that's almost like a natural way to blow off the steam.

[1482] You're like, dudes who are troubled almost always jerk off a lot.

[1483] Yeah, you know, I don't know.

[1484] What do I, what do I do in surveys?

[1485] No. There's no sense that's attached to anything that I've said here.

[1486] I'm just talking to shit.

[1487] No, no, I know.

[1488] But you're right.

[1489] Like, I would go home and I'd just be full of aggression.

[1490] And I'm like, and I just wasn't good at sports.

[1491] So I'm like, I don't even want to try this shit.

[1492] But then when they told me in football, you could hit people, cool.

[1493] And then, like, yeah, I don't even know how.

[1494] So you're angry.

[1495] You wanted to hit.

[1496] Very angry.

[1497] And the thing with judo is, that's another thing that my parents made me do.

[1498] I didn't want to do it.

[1499] But it's like I also didn't like people throwing me around.

[1500] So when we got into it, I was just like, I don't care if this guy's a higher belt than me, whatever.

[1501] Like, I'm not going to let him pin me down, you know?

[1502] Like as soon as he starts winning I'm gonna go Like I just went there I'm gonna go fucking crazy And well what you should do I became the pride of my dojo They sent me to all the tournaments And I was like I was like the reluctant Like I don't want to be here But okay fine I'm here I'm gonna win You were the pride of your dojo Yeah I won every Like trophy thing for And then I broke my collarbone I was like okay That's the end of my Is your collarbone okay now My shoulders are a little smaller Because I broke this one and this one Wow So you know the collarbones Break and then they heal like this right Really?

[1503] yeah they they just heal next to each other collar bones snap and then there's no brace you can put on so you just hold your thing up and then the bones just heal like this over each other yeah and so how much stronger or weaker is it than it used to be i think they get stronger but my shoulders are a little bit narrower wow that's weird man that could be worse though there's a lot worse shit that you can break right i'm not scared of pain like i've been burned you sound like a guy was doing his like interview thing for like king of the cage no no no like pain pain is not like oh I'm not going to do something because I could get hurt.

[1504] Right.

[1505] That doesn't bother me, you know.

[1506] And I'm not scared to be humiliated either.

[1507] Not that what I worry about.

[1508] What I worry about for people that don't have like an extensive background in martial arts is head trauma.

[1509] You're not going to know how to get away.

[1510] You're not going to know how to not get hit as hard.

[1511] You're not going to know how to protect yourself.

[1512] Well, judo, all we do is for the first few months to learn how to fall down.

[1513] So I do.

[1514] That's good.

[1515] Like jumping over someone and then tucking into a role and all that shit.

[1516] Like, you know, I know what a. fall down.

[1517] I'm worried about you getting hit.

[1518] That's all.

[1519] Right, right.

[1520] I mean, it's just part of M .M .A. I appreciate your concern.

[1521] And this is something I'm probably not going to do, but just wanted to throw it out to see what your thoughts on it was.

[1522] I've seen people take some serious punishment and change them as a human being.

[1523] Change the reality of their life.

[1524] Right.

[1525] Impair their function.

[1526] Right, right.

[1527] It's real.

[1528] No, I know that.

[1529] I've seen it happen not just from MMA, but I have a friend who got hit in the head with a golf ball and he wasn't the same for almost a year so he said for like six months he was fucked just every day massive headaches and depression and that can happen who hit the golf ball some dude just he got hit with a line drive right in the side of the fucking head like while he's playing golfer just sitting at his house he was on a golf course and just an errant ball hit him in the temple and he got fucked up man he went down hard just like totally knocked unconscious fucked up for a long time so one of my my point is like that can happen from a kick too man that can happen from a knee you could be diving for a takedown and some guy comes up with some flying knee and separates your fucking vertebrae right it's nasty shit man you can get really really hurt if you really want to do it though what i was going to say is what you should do is make it a vice thing have them follow you with cameras right start like a real training thing have them check in on you every couple months but do it in a way where you're not going to hurt yourself go to a gym where's the fun in that you can minimize the amount of damage that you take with intelligence by actually learning some skills and so if you really want to do it will you have me back on the show if i'm in a wheelchair oh of course if i'll have you back on the show if you talk to me through a thing in your neck joe i should have listened to you you were so right when it came to not doing mma yeah i'm not saying that anybody should not do m mb i think that if you're going to take risks it's ridiculous to take risks that have in within them the possibility of massive trauma and and not do it correctly like you could get knocked out obviously look Anderson Silva who's the greatest mixed martial arts fighter of all time right he's the master he got knocked unconscious Joe anybody can the stuff you're telling to me is complete common sense it's but there's no but it's it's just it's you're making sense right and and the thing is it's you're telling me this shit and it's not like oh man Joe's talking crazy it's like right you're being a good guy giving me the wisdom of you know all the stuff you've seen and learn okay yeah there is a but but it's weird like I just got did you see the Vice HBO series yes it's just like suicide bombers you know pirates like all dangerous shit right right right they asked me to be for season two one of the hosts and I just got the assignment list of things you know of places to go and it's every single place I could die you know and it's Like, there's nothing about that.

[1530] And I don't know what this says about me, but there's nothing about that where I'm like, oh, I'm scared of my life or, you know, I'll go anywhere.

[1531] I don't give me shit, you know.

[1532] So.

[1533] Well, then you're the perfect guy for the job.

[1534] Because me, I'm at home going, boy, I would want to be fucking David Cho right now.

[1535] Well, that's why when the things you tell me about hurting myself, those things don't, that's not a deterrent for me. But I guess dying is dying.

[1536] You're just dead.

[1537] But being in a wheelchair is you're traumatized.

[1538] I would never want someone like me doing something to me that I could do to me. I would never want someone planting a fucking shin on my head the way I know I can do to somebody.

[1539] I would never want someone kicking me in the body, punch me in the face, the way I know I can do to somebody.

[1540] I would never want someone who knows how to strangle me, strangle me the way I could do to me if I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.

[1541] So what I'm saying is if you are going to engage in mixed martial arts, you've got to get proficient at a market.

[1542] in order to be able to intelligently defend yourself.

[1543] Because if you can't intelligently defend yourself, someone who's good is gonna really fucking hurt you.

[1544] And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it.

[1545] It's not gonna be a fight, man. You think it's gonna be a fight.

[1546] But unless you find someone who's a novice, it's not gonna be a fight, it's gonna be a slaughter.

[1547] No, unfortunately, I'm better at defending myself than being offensive.

[1548] That's all nice and good, but if you get a guy who actually knows how to fight, you're fucked.

[1549] If you're not careful and you go in there against some Division I, All -American, who fucking puts you on your back in three seconds and starts smashing your...

[1550] face with elbows from an impossibly strong body that's been throwing other bodies around its entire life and you just thought you're being cute because you're an artist who likes to fuck chicks and you never work out and you're like oh i'm just gonna go in there and take an adventure i'm like fucking i'm modern day you're going joe i'm getting hard right now you got to be careful man is he sweaty i don't want you to get sweaty as fuck dude if you lick him you'll get pregnant his head's grow ovaries if he drips his sweat in your mouth yes it's a dangerous thing you're you're involved I know someone who, you know, you have to be careful and make sure that what you should do is take another, if you really want to do this, take another person who's like you and say, hey, let's fight in a year and let's do it amicably.

[1551] Let's get together and let's both experience this and it'll probably make us like each other more as a person.

[1552] That was super steamy what you just described.

[1553] It was almost like a gay sexy.

[1554] A little bit.

[1555] I'll do this to you.

[1556] I've seen it too many times, man. I've seen people who think they're tough guys go in there and get really fucking hurt.

[1557] I don't think I'm a tough guy.

[1558] I don't think I'm a tough guy.

[1559] I don't think I'm going to go in there and like...

[1560] You kind of described yourself as being pretty ferocious and durable and really good at judo and the pride of the dojo.

[1561] So although you might not think you're a tough guy, you think you're proficient.

[1562] No, no. Well, I think I'm able to, like, protect myself, like, from, like, getting those things.

[1563] That's all nice and cute.

[1564] So you find somebody who actually knows how to fight.

[1565] Right, right.

[1566] You don't know how to protect yourself.

[1567] Just do it.

[1568] Shut the fuck up, dude.

[1569] Seriously.

[1570] I'm trying to help the guy.

[1571] It's just, I just, I've seen it too many times.

[1572] and I'm acutely aware of the possibilities.

[1573] And what I can do is nothing.

[1574] I'm more scared to go, and it's something I've already done now so I know what it feels like.

[1575] I'm more scared to go in front of an audience and do stand -up than I think I would be to go and fight someone, a ferocious fighter.

[1576] That's because you haven't done both.

[1577] If you did both, you'd be way more scared of fighting.

[1578] I've been in fights before, Joe.

[1579] I've had the living shit kicked out of me by, like, gangs and, like, a bunch of people.

[1580] Like, I know what pain feels like.

[1581] It's not like, I know what it feels like to get knocked out and then wake up a day later and not know who I am.

[1582] Like, I've, you know.

[1583] I'm sure you do know that.

[1584] But you also know that it's bad.

[1585] Of course, you know.

[1586] Of course I know that.

[1587] That's all I'm saying, man. I just, I don't like when people get romantic about it because it's a part of.

[1588] It's not a, it's almost like something like the comedy thing, you know.

[1589] I've done it three times now and it turned out good.

[1590] But I didn't go in there with that.

[1591] I was like, oh, I'm going to bomb and people are going to boo me and this and that.

[1592] And I'm prepared for that, you know.

[1593] Right.

[1594] But it didn't turn out that way.

[1595] But, you know, that's good.

[1596] Yeah.

[1597] I'm not going in there.

[1598] going, I'm going to be fucking Eddie Murphy, like, you know.

[1599] I have, I've never discouraged someone who wants to actually be a mixed martial artist.

[1600] I've never discouraged anyone who wants to actually take a big risk.

[1601] I've never tried to discourage anybody who wants to do something dangerous.

[1602] But I just always say, if you're going to do it, remove as many variables as possible.

[1603] Right.

[1604] There's always variables in a live fight.

[1605] Right.

[1606] You don't know, you could get hit by the first punch and you just lights go out.

[1607] Right.

[1608] Or, you know, weird injuries happen.

[1609] Weird things can happen, but you've got to be as prepared as possible in order to be smart about it.

[1610] That's what I would say.

[1611] And most fighters retire around what age anyways?

[1612] It's completely different.

[1613] I mean, here's an interesting thing.

[1614] Bernard Hopkins, it's interesting because it never existed before.

[1615] Bernard Hopkins is the oldest champion ever.

[1616] How old is it?

[1617] He's the light heavyweight champion today.

[1618] He's 48.

[1619] And he's amazing.

[1620] He's still outboxing the shit out of people.

[1621] And doing it, it's a thing of beauty.

[1622] I mean, he's a fucking artisan in there.

[1623] He has a craft.

[1624] It's just like playing a guitar or being a painter.

[1625] He's got a craft.

[1626] He's an artist at it.

[1627] He knows how to minimize the amount of damage he takes.

[1628] He very rarely gets hit.

[1629] And he knows how to box the fucking ears off these young whippering snappers.

[1630] But he's 48.

[1631] That's awesome.

[1632] But he takes care of himself.

[1633] Right.

[1634] He's eating right.

[1635] He's working on a regular basis.

[1636] He never allows himself to get out of shape.

[1637] He's been fighting forever and he's got these skills developed over a long period of time.

[1638] He treats it serious.

[1639] Yeah.

[1640] I mean, if I did this shit, I would treat it totally serious.

[1641] I wouldn't go in there fat.

[1642] I would train, like, my ass off.

[1643] For how long?

[1644] If you, like, how long would you want?

[1645] A year?

[1646] If you could do a year, you could get a lot done.

[1647] Yeah.

[1648] But you would have to make sure that you were matched up ethically.

[1649] That someone is really a nice person, like, matches you up with another guy who's, you know, at least you have a chance.

[1650] Right.

[1651] I know you say you want to go against a bigger guy.

[1652] Just someone yourselves.

[1653] All right.

[1654] All right.

[1655] Yoshi.

[1656] Why would you say that?

[1657] They're friends.

[1658] It would be a great fun.

[1659] Yeah, I don't know.

[1660] I wouldn't want to fight Yoshi.

[1661] Yoshi's got that to the deaf look in his eyes.

[1662] Yoshi might take things into the basement.

[1663] He might invoke the dark lord.

[1664] He might see some fucking hellfire in his eyes.

[1665] Oh, man. I get sensitive about the one issue.

[1666] I don't like to preach, but there's one issue that I get sensitive about and is that's the frivolization, if that's a word.

[1667] I'm not frivolizing it.

[1668] I'm not frivolizing it.

[1669] Like, Joe, I'm telling you, like, I'm prepared to get hurt.

[1670] I know that shit.

[1671] I know I might break something or I might get.

[1672] knocked out unconscious like i know that i'm not like saying yeah it's going to be fine whatever you know i'm not frivolizing at all i understand you're just willing to take well you're you're you're you're in this world i thought you'd be a good guy to talk to about yeah well if you are really going to dedicate yourself to it and you want to do it as an experience i think a year is a good amount of time it's just something that i in the same way i started thinking about maybe adopting a kid i just thought also maybe i should fight i would say go with a fight first you know that seems like less of a commitment Right.

[1673] You know, if you get fucked up, hopefully a body shot, somebody hooks you to the liver, and you just tap out immediately.

[1674] I'm just going to stick with the hermaphrodites.

[1675] What if you get a hermaphrodite pregnant?

[1676] I mean, it's very likely she could still get pregnant.

[1677] Then the baby could suck the dick on the way out.

[1678] We should, oh, dude, how dare you.

[1679] How dare you?

[1680] Let's look that up.

[1681] Can a hermaphrodite get pregnant?

[1682] Well, I mean, if I was a hermaphrodites, the dick is above their vagina, right?

[1683] I think most hermaphrodites, the dick is above their vagina, right?

[1684] I think it's inside.

[1685] I think it's inside and I think it's just like half the size and it really doesn't like even if it gets hard it's not like a dick I think yeah I think it's not functional either like it doesn't you know See I wouldn't mind that if the girl's cool and shit You can say you know it'd be cute You can rub her little pussy boner and be fun There's a porn store that has huge clitoris I can't remember her name But like the dudes in the pornoes always suck her clit Like it's a little penis Okay here's the question Okay here's the question's answered Survey suggests that functioning ovaries are fairly common in the intersex.

[1686] Pregnancy and birth don't happen often, but they happen.

[1687] Functioning testes are rarer, but again, not completely unknown.

[1688] Functioning ovaries and functioning testes, however, plus functioning everything else.

[1689] I suppose I could propose one far -fetched scenario where it could possibly happen, but as a practical matter, it's not.

[1690] Get out, it says.

[1691] So what they're basically saying is that there's variables.

[1692] The same reason why there's a hermaphrodite in the first places because of this weird variation, there's a bunch of different levels of that variation.

[1693] It only makes sense.

[1694] I mean, if you think about people are not the same, we're all different, we all look different, we're all shaped different, we're all different sizes.

[1695] It just makes sense that we would have variations as far as our genitalian go.

[1696] Does she have a period or does she just fart?

[1697] Great question.

[1698] That's another one you should have not said.

[1699] So you just run those through the internet first.

[1700] Before she told me the punchline, I really enjoyed this last month thinking I was gay.

[1701] I really did.

[1702] I was like...

[1703] That's not a punchline, dude.

[1704] That's a fucking excuse.

[1705] It's not a punchline.

[1706] Do you understand?

[1707] You're trying to rationalize that that's a punchline.

[1708] This woman's got a dick up there.

[1709] It's okay, though.

[1710] Well, it's just a joke.

[1711] She's the greatest comedian ever.

[1712] L -O -L -R -F -L -M -A -O.

[1713] Ladies, if you're listening, it's a fantastic joke to pull on here, dude.

[1714] Just tell them that you used to be a guy or that there's an extra piece.

[1715] Yeah, what if the dude jumps right off a fucking cliff?

[1716] And you're like, I was joking!

[1717] That's why.

[1718] it's a next level joke it's a next level it's not next level dude you're thinking incorrectly and uh yeah my my mom is also like she came to mexico for the show and she's just letting me know you know my mom had three children me both my brothers i'm in the middle we're all in our late 30s now no one's married and do you think that's a like a rebound from the strict korean way of being raised?

[1719] Me and all my brothers are weird.

[1720] We're like weird people.

[1721] Always have that.

[1722] Yeah.

[1723] Like all of our cousins, they're all happily married, have kids, they have normal lives.

[1724] Like I tell them my stories and they're like, Dave's weird.

[1725] Uncle Dave's, he's, you know.

[1726] Right, but aren't they weird too?

[1727] Are people that are suppressed and keeping inside?

[1728] Yeah.

[1729] I think I'm talking.

[1730] Like, I think I'm normal.

[1731] And I know that that sounds, oh, Dave's crazy.

[1732] He does crazy shit.

[1733] And he thinks, I'm like, I think I'm the most normal person because I just live like how I think you're supposed to live and then I meet these people that just do what society wants them to do and it's crazy to me and they withhold they live like fucking pussies.

[1734] Well human beings are pattern followers.

[1735] We're naturally patterned followers and we naturally follow successful patterns of behavior because those have been proven to be effective so all of our concerns and issues and insecurities sort of get ironed out in advance by other people that are successful.

[1736] Right.

[1737] So when we when we follow the society pattern that's set up right now the society pattern is you know get married get divorced lose all your money get married stay together have a family get married you know grow apart you know get married be super happy there's a few different possibilities that can happen to you right there's a bunch of different ones right but you have to follow like the natural paradigms right if you don't there's something wrong with you and people who are following them they don't want to be around you like especially like wives right i'm sure you have friends oh of course that have wives that you Do not want David Cho being around.

[1738] No, they hate it.

[1739] Because David Cho is talking about getting his butthole sucked out of his body by some crazy woman.

[1740] Look, I got advice for people, but it's not for married people.

[1741] It's not for everybody.

[1742] My advice is for people who don't want to be like, if you're not giving advice.

[1743] You're giving out experiences that you feel are very positive experiences.

[1744] People like to go.

[1745] And people can learn from them.

[1746] Yeah.

[1747] And people go, oh, Dave's lucky.

[1748] It's like he won the loto with the Facebook shit.

[1749] And this is that.

[1750] I'm like, I've been successful at everything I've ever done.

[1751] I've made tons of money doing art, gambling.

[1752] It's like, oh, so that was all luck.

[1753] For people who don't know what the Facebook thing is, just in a nutshell, just spell it out real quick.

[1754] That was something that I learned from gambling that I brought over.

[1755] I had just gotten out of prison, and a guy named Mark, Sean Parker, who started Napster, he was 23 or 24 at the time.

[1756] Maybe he was 26, but he was in his young 20s, and he'd already started a couple of multimillion -dollar companies.

[1757] none that really made any money Plaxo didn't make any money Napster got sued for I think a trillion dollars so this was his next project and this whole time he was a fan of my art he's like Dave I gotta get a painting from you like you're a sick fuck like me I need to get a painting from you but I'm being sued right now I can't afford it this and that and so when Facebook came up he's like look there's this new social media site that connects college kids and I was like that sounds gay and he goes and we have some financial backing so now I could finally pay you to do a painting and I said or if you want if if any you know he's an innovator he's like I'm going to fucking this shit is going to take over the world this I'm going to change the world this is good if if you don't want then I could give you stocks in the company and I needed money because I needed to pay my lawyers I need to pay all my ex -girlfriend my friends I need to pay everyone back and I said I don't know about social media I was never on my space I was never on any of these things.

[1758] I said, you know what?

[1759] I believe in this kid.

[1760] So I took the stock.

[1761] Stock ended up being worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

[1762] So overnight, that made me, I guess, the highest living paid artist in the world, which is pretty cool.

[1763] But before that, I was pretty successful at everything else I did.

[1764] Why do you think that is?

[1765] Well, I just came back from this conference in Norway of all the top chefs in the world.

[1766] So I'm like, this is cool.

[1767] I like this.

[1768] I'm in a new environment.

[1769] It was sort of like...

[1770] Should go, Bourdain?

[1771] Bourdain didn't go.

[1772] That's why I went.

[1773] David Chang, who has Momofuku in New York, goes, Bordane, please come.

[1774] This year is talking about guts, about being brave.

[1775] And you come, and Bordane's like, are you kidding me?

[1776] I'm not going to fucking embarrass myself in front of the top chefs.

[1777] I've been out of this game.

[1778] He's like, Dave, you should go.

[1779] And so I'm like, what am I going to do?

[1780] And I just started thinking I want to start doing stand -up.

[1781] So Dave Chang was like, Dave, why don't you come?

[1782] I'm like, you'll be the first non -stand -man.

[1783] chef that's been asked to speak at a fucking chef conference of 600 of like the top michelin star chefs and i don't know these people i get off the plane and they're like dave we're going to eat at nomo tonight you know and uh or nola sorry i said it i'm fucking retarded we're reading at nola tonight i'm like oh nobu and i'm i'm like oh there's a nobu in copenhagen nola is the fucking number one voted restaurant in the world like four years in a row like it's like eating experience you've never the guy that runs uh nola rene is a fucking like Picasso of the cooking world i mean just insane like like he'll put this in front of you and you're like what is this and it's like this is a rock that i just shit with food that you would never believe and so i'm here with these highly highly successful people that are like you know uh fucking dario chichini I can't even remember all their names.

[1784] Alex Atala from Brazil, they all have the number one restaurant in their city, you know, the guys in L .A. And this, for me, it's amazing because Dave's like, you know, we're not going to be able to pay you.

[1785] We can get you out here, but you will never have to fucking wait to eat at any of these restaurants ever.

[1786] And I'm like, I'll do it just for that.

[1787] And I get there.

[1788] And so I don't know who any of these people are, but they are the fucking champions of the cooking world.

[1789] And so I got to hang out with them for a week.

[1790] and it's you want to talk about following patterns of success i mean they first of all they're all angry like an insane amounts of like this is the way you run a restaurant why they challenge everything they are fucking brave they fucking went for it like everyone said a restaurant is going to fail the chances of a restaurant staying in business is not that good and who's going want to eat a fucking taco that has Korean meat like you're challenging the norm they're challenging society and and they're all crazy challenging society with tacos just you know whenever you go to a restaurant and you like well that's the thing is I went there and I was like I don't know I don't I don't even know I'm here so these guys are talking about what do you mean you're there to eat no it was about next level food like how to uh it was serious right it's like what food is doing to you mean the conference the whole conference yeah Okay, I thought you meant the restaurant.

[1791] Oh, well, the restaurant was to eat.

[1792] But then the whole conference was like the fucking shitty food were serving in public schools.

[1793] Like a guy that, a speaker there was from Somalia, his restaurant had been blown up like three times and he keeps opening it.

[1794] So it was about all these, it was sort of like on a serious topic, like the state of food right now with overpopulation and what that's doing to create like dark snow.

[1795] And just I'm like, what the fuck am I doing here?

[1796] you know and it was super serious and they're covering like real issues about food and and and the world and this and that and and then I just I just went on stage and started talking about how everything makes me shit that's all I could do you know and so you try to do stand -up I did stand -up and it was how did it go it went amazing like that's hilarious yeah it was fucking awesome like I was I puked before I went for a walk and I was like the girl before me was a 10 -year -old speaker that talked about how she changed the way people eat in Africa off her blog and I'm like I need to kill myself right now.

[1797] Oh my God.

[1798] I was like think she's 10 and she changed the way they eat in Africa.

[1799] Yeah she started a blog about how people are starving and and and everyone's crying and clapping and I'm like holy shit.

[1800] I was like I can't go up there and try to sound like I'm a food guy and I just talked about things that give you diarrhea.

[1801] Well I'm Asian you know I didn't I'm Asian I grew up in america i'm i asians aren't supposed to eat lasagna they're not no why there's no cheese in korean food there's not no there's no cheese in korean food so you can't eat lasagna thousands of years of koreans eating rice and soup and korean seaweed and shit korea pu wine they come to america what did you say ryan poo wine what is that it's something in korea that's a medicine vice did a thing on it really where they take uh the poo of a seven -year -old child oh come on and they actually had a reporter from vice that had to take it and i felt so bad for her she was so nice about and she drank the poo wine i don't know about korea i don't want to see this poo wine but basically cut that off dude there's no there's no you know all this shit that that's that's part of american diet like hamburgers spaghetti tacos all all this shit we this is all new you know this is all new so so your genetics are not set up for cheese so what do what so my entire life I've had Eridolobel syndrome.

[1802] Wow.

[1803] My whole life, a part of anxiety is I'm going to go talk to Joe right now live for, I don't know, an hour, two hours, whatever.

[1804] If I'm getting nervous, I have to shit.

[1805] Like, what, I'm going to make this guy live cut the thing, so I have to run.

[1806] So that gives me more anxiety, and that adds to the puking.

[1807] So did you cut dairy out of your diet?

[1808] I love lasagna.

[1809] Oh.

[1810] I can't stop, you know?

[1811] So that's just your decision.

[1812] You love designer more than you love not shitting yourself.

[1813] I love comics the same way you love comics But I grew up reading like Calvin and Hobbs I started with the funnies The newspaper You know like Garfield Calvin and Hobbs All that shit And so I was obsessed with Garfield like eating lasagna You know I'm like why Why does this cat eat lasagna You know Because I'm an Asian kid eating rice And fucking kimchi I forgot about I don't know what I don't even know how to pronounce it Lazagna You know So So, I'm like, you know, and I don't know what it is.

[1814] It's like an exotic foreign white people food thing.

[1815] And then my aunt brings it one day and we eat the shit out of it.

[1816] And I'm like, no wonder Garfield loves it because it's cheesy and it's got tomato sauce.

[1817] And what does it do?

[1818] It explodes out of my ass.

[1819] It's like poison to me. I can't eat this shit.

[1820] I can't eat dairy.

[1821] I'm lactose intolerant.

[1822] But it tastes so good.

[1823] There's nothing in Korean food that tastes close to that.

[1824] I mean, we have other delicious treats, but nothing like that.

[1825] so I'm like look I thought but you were willing to take that just for the delicious taste you're willing to just have to shit yourself I do it even today now I mean my I've had irritable bowel syndrome so I've always looked it up on you know webmd and shit like that there's no known like cause for it but they think it's most likely stress you know so but wouldn't it be dietary well it's it's a combination I have the IBS from like the nonstop stress and then also the dietary part of it.

[1826] So, yeah, I cut down a little bit on the dairy, but the stress part, a lot of it came from the gambling, from taking all these insane chances.

[1827] Like, I'll tell you, like, oh, I'm going to fight some crazy killer and I might get my shit kicked in, whatever.

[1828] Like, I'm cool, like, out here, but inside I'm like, oh, my God, you know?

[1829] Or we're going to send you to interview some Somali pirates and they might chop your head off, you know?

[1830] Cool, no problem.

[1831] But inside, I'm just shitting.

[1832] I'm just a fucking mess.

[1833] So I internalize it.

[1834] So as I've eliminated less stress from my life, the IBS has gotten better, you know?

[1835] Jesus.

[1836] So that's what I did my whole act on.

[1837] And, you know, one of my friends Harris Whittles, who writes for Eastbound and Down, he does stand up too.

[1838] And I said, dude, what the fuck do I talk about?

[1839] And he goes, anytime you do stand up, like, it's a fucking cheap shot.

[1840] It's a no -brainer.

[1841] Shit stories always kills, you know?

[1842] So I went up and I, and it did.

[1843] The people there were like, I was like, oh, that food you guys served me makes me shit.

[1844] And, you know, I turned it around.

[1845] I ended up talking about, you know, how I'm in a different practice than them.

[1846] But, you know, if you want to be successful, if you're not focused in life is to be like a family person, but if you want to be the absolute best of whatever your field is, then you have to take chances.

[1847] You can't be a pussy.

[1848] You can't be a follower.

[1849] You can't follow.

[1850] You have to break constantly and challenge yourself and challenge the way everything is.

[1851] You have to question things, and it's scary because no one else has done it.

[1852] So shitting yourself?

[1853] Questioning and challenging yourself?

[1854] Well, that is the joke part, but when it was at its worst, I didn't leave the house.

[1855] Wow, that's so crazy.

[1856] I can't believe you kept that diet up, though.

[1857] This was my day.

[1858] Well, it wasn't just the diet.

[1859] It wasn't just.

[1860] How much of a variation did you give your diet?

[1861] Did you ever cut out gluten?

[1862] Did you ever cut out dairy, everything, and just try to eat, like, nothing but meat and vegetables uh i've yeah i've done every different kind of like i've tried nothing helps uh you know i did just protein stuff i've done i've done different stuff but at the end of the day it's always the the stress that gets to me you know what what stress i feel like i'm in therapy well i've been in jail a lot of times which means i did a lot of bad things so yeah i used to like constantly be looking over my shoulder so that's the stress that was when i was younger than the gambling Every time, every week, I would put my entire life savings on the line.

[1863] So it's like, wow, I'm in Vegas.

[1864] Someone else is, like, having a good time going to strip club, whatever.

[1865] I'm risking everything I've ever worked for right now that creates stress.

[1866] Wow.

[1867] And how do you deal with that today?

[1868] Well, I don't gamble anymore.

[1869] Just couldn't take it anymore.

[1870] It's just stupid.

[1871] There's no reason for me to gamble.

[1872] When you made as much money as me, it's just retarded to gamble.

[1873] Right, because you get caught up and lose it all.

[1874] What's the point?

[1875] And it can't happen, right?

[1876] People have done that.

[1877] Especially when you go to Macau and they're like, do you want to fucking bet with million dollar chips?

[1878] Oh my, Jesus Christ.

[1879] That makes me so nervous.

[1880] It makes your dick shrivel up into your body, you know?

[1881] When I pass by those tables in Vegas and I see someone who's willing to bet like $25 ,000 on a roll of roulette, you know, I've seen it happen.

[1882] Oh, no, that was me. What a crazy move that is.

[1883] That's the pink chips.

[1884] And I got to the point in Vegas where they knew me and they would let me bet a quarter million.

[1885] Dan White won $7 million one night in Vegas, and he's lost as much as a million.

[1886] You guys should get together and make out.

[1887] I mean, that guy has made a shit ton of money doing UFC, and so to get his dick hard, he has to bet like that.

[1888] To get his dick card, that's a, that is a expression for gamblers, isn't it?

[1889] I mean, get his dick hard.

[1890] Yeah, what's he going to do, sit at a table and play $20 blackjack?

[1891] Nickel slats.

[1892] Well, what is it about people that love that fucking crazy?

[1893] A lot of UFC takes place in Vegas, right?

[1894] Yes.

[1895] So he's there a lot.

[1896] He lives in Vegas.

[1897] Okay, so that's horrible.

[1898] The UFC office is in Vegas.

[1899] And if he's an addict, then he's dangerously, you know, like, that's a horrible place to live.

[1900] Yeah, but he's getting away with it because he's rich and he makes a lot of money.

[1901] Right.

[1902] And he figures out how to do it, and he's good at it.

[1903] Well, see, in Vegas, they cap you off, you know?

[1904] You can't bet, like, you can't bet the way you do in the Cal. Well, that's one of the reasons why we stopped being at the palms.

[1905] They cut back his limit.

[1906] Right.

[1907] Cut back his credit.

[1908] Right.

[1909] Because he was killing them.

[1910] Yeah, if you have a shit ton of money, if you have a bankroll and you know how to gamble, You could fucking knock one of those casinos out, and, you know, they'll fucking, yeah, it's a good feeling.

[1911] That's hilarious, man. Yeah.

[1912] That's so crazy and dangerous and wild.

[1913] The idea of betting that much fucking money.

[1914] I don't have that.

[1915] I don't have that at all.

[1916] No, well, how did you think I got to that point?

[1917] Oh, I'm sure I can get that.

[1918] Don't get me wrong.

[1919] You bet with your life savings and win -win until you get to the point where you're like, oh, now I'm like those guys betting $25 ,000.

[1920] Well, you're a smart guy, and you all.

[1921] also know that there's some ways as a gambler, in quotes, you could sort of minimize the risks, and it's by being very intelligent about what you're doing.

[1922] That's exactly what I'm telling you about MMA fighting, but with much more everlasting repercussions, because if you get broke, you're a smart guy, you'll figure out how to get money again.

[1923] You already know the drill.

[1924] You know how to get rich.

[1925] But I'm not trying to be like a professional fighter with a long career.

[1926] I'm trying to have one fight.

[1927] I understand, but I'll tell you what.

[1928] You get a whole...

[1929] Yeah, Tiago Alves in one fight could change your fucking life.

[1930] Right.

[1931] That motherfucker would change the whole rest of your life with a couple of knees.

[1932] It's just, you got to make sure that if you're fighting someone that they're like you, a guy who's not necessarily a lifelong expert.

[1933] Maybe it has a little bit of martial arts.

[1934] And you've got to get good at protecting yourself against strikes.

[1935] That's the big one.

[1936] Because it sounds like if you have a judo base, you're probably a really good grappler.

[1937] Judo guys are notoriously strong core strength, hard to take down.

[1938] I give amazing bear hugs.

[1939] but the striking striking is a totally different thing I have no strike you will set you up fake you out and drop a fucking bomb on your noodle and you're not going to like it I have a weak chin I'll get knocked the fuck out one chin one knock right here I'm out don't do it man don't do it then trust me but a grappling match you could that could be some hardcore shit you could learn jujitsu learn jujitsu get into a school like train and train for a grappling match and the worst case scenario is you get tapped out you get strangled you tapped out you're all right you get an arm bar you tap out and it'll be fucking crazy wild and fun but you don't have to worry about the lasting effects of head trauma you'll it still is possibly and potentially very dangerous but you'll minimize the risks considerably when you take out striking I just tell people if you want to fight that shit should be a solitary thing there should be nothing else you want to do in your life I don't want to fight and be a best -selling author and be a fighter pilot right so what do you want to do you want to fight okay no there's dudes out there that only want to fight the day I that this is something I'm going to do.

[1940] I'm not going to...

[1941] Do anything else.

[1942] I'll train and that'll be it.

[1943] That'll be my life.

[1944] You should do painting too.

[1945] You'd be like Miyamoto and Usashi.

[1946] He was a great samurai who also did a lot of calligraphy and painting.

[1947] He thought it was important.

[1948] Write poetry.

[1949] I mean, the way I throw myself in, when I paint, that's all I do.

[1950] I throw my shit.

[1951] I'm like, this is, you know, there's always going to be someone better than me. But as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to do the best I can.

[1952] And there's nothing besides painting that's going to obsess.

[1953] We had a cool conversation about work.

[1954] Yeah.

[1955] Last time I was at your place.

[1956] You know, like, you go through, like, these, like, spurt sometimes.

[1957] You just decide to just attack and just start working.

[1958] But, yeah, I do that, but also the same way, like, you know, when people are like, I'm an artist, I'm like, this is what I do.

[1959] Like, even though I haven't painted, like, for four years, I do something creative every day.

[1960] And if I had to paint for a career, like, living, then I don't do the gay, like, oh, I only paint when I'm emotionally, like, move to do it or when I feel like it.

[1961] Like, whether I feel like shit, like it's a real job, I show up.

[1962] Every day, every day, repetition, paint a horse, painted a thousand times, it'll get better.

[1963] It's like, it's a real job.

[1964] I paint whether my girlfriend dumped me or whether she's sucking my dick or whatever.

[1965] Every fucking day you paint, no matter what, no excuse.

[1966] That's a beautiful statement right there.

[1967] People should take that and make a video.

[1968] Don't be fucking gay.

[1969] Don't say that, man. Well, gay as in like, I don't feel like.

[1970] I know what you're saying, but you still.

[1971] I need inspiration.

[1972] Fuck your inspiration.

[1973] But it's, you shouldn't call it gay.

[1974] Okay.

[1975] You force yourself.

[1976] You force yourself.

[1977] Transgender.

[1978] Don't call it that either, Dick.

[1979] Um, yeah.

[1980] Well, gay as in glorious and amazing.

[1981] Mm -hmm.

[1982] And, yeah, yeah, and you who.

[1983] Um, I know what you're saying.

[1984] I know what you're saying.

[1985] It's, um, I, I, I, I feel where you're coming from.

[1986] You're, like, you're, it's a call to arms.

[1987] Get up and work.

[1988] Get your shit done.

[1989] And if you're a professional, you do it every day.

[1990] And that's how to work gets done.

[1991] And don't be a wimp, don't be a pussy, don't be a pussy.

[1992] Shouldn't say don't be a pussy.

[1993] Don't be a pussy.

[1994] Pussy is amazing.

[1995] It's one of my favorite things.

[1996] Yeah, but don't be a pussy.

[1997] Why would you be something amazing?

[1998] It would be something I want to lick.

[1999] Lick my sap all day.

[2000] It's not, it's just, it seems wrong to call someone a pussy, and that means he's a bad thing.

[2001] I'm not trying to change the language here.

[2002] Right.

[2003] And it works.

[2004] It's better than fag.

[2005] But when they say don't be a pussy, are they talking about like a pussy cat, like a cat?

[2006] Is that working?

[2007] What are they talking about?

[2008] Talking about that fat fuck Garfield.

[2009] Lazzani, cock sucker, gave me irritable bowel syndrome.

[2010] But it's like, for success and shit like that, like, especially with music or art or something creative, it's like, it's easy to be like, I only feel inspired.

[2011] It's like, fuck that.

[2012] Repetition.

[2013] Put in the time.

[2014] Discipline, you know, put in the time, like force yourself, whether you feel like it or not, you know, that's the way you do it.

[2015] You're dead right.

[2016] You're dead right.

[2017] That applies to comedy.

[2018] training it's training it applies to comedy it applies to martial arts it applies to everything and that's why when I paint something like in two seconds it's because I've already painted it a thousand times you know so I don't want to be a dick Joe but I have to actually run back to the other side of LA and I have to get a painting done dude we're at a time anyway there was a lot of fun man you were fired up today dude you can tell you've been doing a lot of podcasts you're a different person Am I?

[2019] You get a lot of shit to say now.

[2020] You're an animal, man. When you get comfortable, you get wound up, and you just fucking fire off.

[2021] Is this show over?

[2022] So, show's over.

[2023] The show is, it is right now 612.

[2024] Does it?

[2025] Do you just end it whenever you feel like it?

[2026] Yeah, we end it whenever we feel like it.

[2027] We don't have any producers, man. I got to beat traffic and...

[2028] Beat that traffic, son.

[2029] I'm going to bribe Aubrey Plaza into being my best friend.

[2030] Who's that?

[2031] She's the actress from...

[2032] Are you doing shout -outs right now?

[2033] Do you give someone a shout -out?

[2034] No, I got to...

[2035] How dare you?

[2036] She wants a painting for me. And I said, for you to get a painting for me, you got to be my best one.

[2037] Thanks to Stamps .com.

[2038] Use the code word, JRE, on Stamps .com, and save some money.

[2039] Thanks to Onit .com, use the code word, Rogan, and save 10 % off any and all supplements.

[2040] All right, you freaks.

[2041] We'll see you next week.

[2042] Can I plug my show?

[2043] Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[2044] Everyone, thanks for listening to Joe Rogan Show.

[2045] If you like this shit.

[2046] Oh, this is my first commercial.

[2047] I got a show called Double Vatch, Double Anal Sensitive Artist.

[2048] That's DVD -AsA .com.

[2049] Go listen to it.

[2050] That's my show.

[2051] show.

[2052] DVD -A.

[2053] And if you guys like the early episodes with Yoshi, he has his own show called Yoshi Didn't.

[2054] Go listen to that show.

[2055] And that's all I got a plug.

[2056] Asakira .com.

[2057] And also Akira, my beautiful co -star.

[2058] All right, beautiful party people.

[2059] We'll see you guys next week.

[2060] Everybody have a good time this weekend.

[2061] Oh, we'll be Friday night.

[2062] We'll be at the Ice House fucking around in that little room.

[2063] If you've ever been to the Ice House, there's that little tiny room there.

[2064] And I'll be there.

[2065] Brian.

[2066] Who else is there?

[2067] We've got Fahim, Justin Martindale.

[2068] got a couple other people That place is the lab That place is where we do our best fucking around To come up with new material It's really small It's only like 80 people And it's a lot of fun All right So that's Ice House Friday night And all right One last plug Beautiful people Yeah go ahead The date November 2nd November 2nd I don't know what I'm gonna do then But it's gonna be That's the year Last year November 2nd I took over the Reddit I'm gonna maybe do something weird Like that again So just don't know what I'm gonna do yet So you're giving out Pay attention to me November 2nd, pay attention.

[2069] Nice.

[2070] All right.

[2071] Something crazy.

[2072] All right, party people.

[2073] Thanks, everybody.

[2074] Love you.

[2075] See you soon.

[2076] Bye -bye.