Armchair Anonymous: Crazy Gym

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Rutherford and I'm joined by the Minister of Waterfalls.

[5] Sorry, y 'all.

[6] It's been a long day and we've reached that slap -happy point.

[7] We have.

[8] We have.

[9] We just finished recording some Armchair Anonymous.

[10] We did.

[11] But these that you're about to listen to are really fun.

[12] They're really fun.

[13] There's one in here that Monica really lost her shit on, which was so fun.

[14] You could not.

[15] Because the visual.

[16] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[17] It's so good.

[18] It's so good.

[19] This is, of course, crazy gym stories.

[20] And by God, some crazy shit goes down at gyms, and you're about to hear it.

[21] Also, happy New Year.

[22] Yes, happy New Year to you.

[23] That's the reason we did this sort of, because it's often people's resolution to go to the gym.

[24] Yes.

[25] If you go to a public gym, you're very mad right now.

[26] Yes.

[27] Also, A .A. meaning suck this time of year is standing room only.

[28] It's a bunch of people that are only going to do it for three days.

[29] Oh, I wish they would do it for longer.

[30] Yeah, me too.

[31] And of course, everyone's welcome and come try it.

[32] But it is interesting when you have like a home group or a group of people and then all of a sudden there's like 35 people that are going to give a shot.

[33] It's an interesting dynamic.

[34] I hope you're listening to this right now at the gym.

[35] Oh, my God.

[36] That is a story.

[37] We got to do a crazy A .A. stories prompt because fuck, I've got like five of them.

[38] Shit goes down at A .A .A .A. Also, let's do crazy stories that happen while you're listening to Armchair Anonymous about the prompt.

[39] It happens to you while the prompt is.

[40] Yeah, we'll keep our eyes peeled for the one submission for that.

[41] Yeah, there's going to be so many.

[42] All right.

[43] Please enjoy crazy gym stories.

[44] All times.

[45] Come and go.

[46] Take them slow.

[47] I'm going to shining.

[48] Hello.

[49] Hi.

[50] How are you?

[51] Welcome to the show.

[52] Thanks for having me on.

[53] I'm so excited.

[54] We like your blanket tent.

[55] Yes.

[56] Oh, thank you.

[57] It's a shared closet with my husband.

[58] You have three kids and they love their blankets.

[59] So it was an easy choice to decorate in here.

[60] What percentage of the closet is yours and which percentage is your husband's?

[61] Oh, it's about 50 -50.

[62] He's a stellar dresser, and he loves his outfits and his hats, and so he takes up as much as he can, and then the rest of it's mine.

[63] Is he a Beckham style?

[64] Yeah, what's his style?

[65] Oh, I would say kind of Mountain Man. Oh.

[66] Hippy Mountain Man. Hippy Mountain Man with some hats.

[67] Hippie Mountain Men hats, what kind of hat would that be?

[68] Like a floppy leather hat?

[69] Oh, I bet like Jedwears.

[70] Sure.

[71] I can see that.

[72] Not a cowboy hat, but like more round.

[73] Mm -hmm.

[74] Okay.

[75] Yeah, kind of a little flatter on top.

[76] And just to remind you, this is Crazy Hat Stories episode.

[77] We've switched the topic.

[78] Okay.

[79] You have a crazy gym story.

[80] I do.

[81] So we are going all the way back to 2005.

[82] Oh, wonderful.

[83] I am 23 years old, and I'm in the process of moving to New York City to pursue life as a visual artist.

[84] At the end of college, I'd started getting into weightlifting and was really excited about that.

[85] So I didn't want to have a lapse in my gym membership.

[86] So as I'm in the process of moving, I was researching gyms that would be close to where I was going to be working at the time.

[87] So I found a gym about two blocks or so from where I'm working.

[88] So location is really great.

[89] The type of gym that it is is kind of one of those lobo gyms like bright colors, big energy, lots of music and noise, big windows.

[90] It's all about kind of the scene there.

[91] What state are you moving from to New York?

[92] I was in Minnesota.

[93] Oh, okay.

[94] So this is a pretty big difference.

[95] Yeah.

[96] It is.

[97] So I'm on the phone with membership, and there was two things that this membership guy kept harping on, one of which was, oh, you got to go here.

[98] It's Matt Damon's gym.

[99] Now, this is not what my story is about, unfortunately, but that was one of the selling points.

[100] Like, oh, people love it here because Matt Damon goes here.

[101] I would work out so much.

[102] Yeah, you'd be in incredible shape.

[103] I would.

[104] I only saw him one time.

[105] Oh, it wasn't even a lie.

[106] No bait and switch.

[107] No. The other piece of information that was important to share was that they were open 24 hours.

[108] This was a 24 -hour gym.

[109] I'm going to have different schedules depending on when I'm working, so perfect.

[110] To fast forward, this is my second weekend in New York, and I have a Sunday shift at my job.

[111] I'm working retail at an art supply store a couple blocks away.

[112] I get out of work.

[113] I go up to the gym.

[114] It's around 6 .30.

[115] I decide, you know, I'm going to get a couple hours of a workout in, and I'm just going to stay a little longer to just have like a camper myself kind of shower, you know, blow dry because my shared living experience at the time in Brooklyn, the bathroom was kind of yago and I didn't want to spend too much time in there then.

[116] So took my time, did my hair.

[117] I was running a blow dryer in a bathroom that was fully tiled.

[118] So it's actually very loud in this bathroom.

[119] And the bathrooms were in the basement.

[120] It's about 9 .15.

[121] I gather my stuff.

[122] I'm starting to walk up the stairs.

[123] And I notice that it's pretty quiet.

[124] The gym music has stopped playing.

[125] I'm not hearing people on the machines.

[126] I'm not hearing people talking or milling around.

[127] And it's also pretty dark.

[128] Oh, God.

[129] My initial thought was like, oh my gosh, did the power go out?

[130] Oh, sure.

[131] Yeah.

[132] But no, because I was just running a hairdryer in the basement.

[133] So I thought, well, maybe they're closing for some reason.

[134] So I will walk towards the exit.

[135] Now, Now, when I get to the exit, I quickly realize that they are, in fact, closed, and I have been locked inside the gym.

[136] Oh, my goodness.

[137] This is like an 80s fun movie.

[138] But you want to be in a more fun place, like a target.

[139] So initially, I thought, you know, it's not the worst place to be locked inside.

[140] They have healthy snacks.

[141] They have a comfy couch.

[142] They have a shower and a bathroom.

[143] You know, I'm not in the worst case scenario.

[144] But I really don't want to be here all night.

[145] Yeah.

[146] What are my choices?

[147] So what I was looking at out the front door was a great that has been fully pulled down and locked.

[148] You're in prison now.

[149] Yeah.

[150] I thought, you know, okay, there's probably emergency exits.

[151] Let's go check out where those are.

[152] I walk around.

[153] I find one in the basement.

[154] And it has all these warnings.

[155] Like, if you open this door, the alarm's going to go off.

[156] And I did not know what kind of emergency response that would incite.

[157] Do I wait around for them to arrive until I tell them that it was me that was locked in there?

[158] am I going to somehow get in trouble for being the person that like set off this alarm?

[159] I'm 23.

[160] So I'm green in this department.

[161] I don't know what's going on.

[162] So I go back upstairs and I'm like looking at business cards, see if I can find somebody's cell phone number.

[163] Again, this is 2005.

[164] So it's still kind of that landline era.

[165] And a lot of the business cards for trainers and managers still had the number for the gym, the physical location on there.

[166] So of course, like I can't post to Twitter or Instagram to say, hey, I'm stuck in the gym.

[167] How do I get out?

[168] So I call 911.

[169] Uh -huh.

[170] Yes.

[171] Smart.

[172] That's what you like.

[173] I love that.

[174] Y 'all just bounced out that emergency door.

[175] No. I flip open my Nokia cell phone and I get the 911 on there.

[176] So I talked to the dispatcher.

[177] She was really nice.

[178] I said, you know what?

[179] I'm not injured.

[180] I just happened to get locked inside this gym.

[181] And can you send somebody over to troubleshoot how to get out of here?

[182] Because I don't want to push that alarmed door open if I don't have to.

[183] So she's, yeah, No problem.

[184] We'll send somebody over.

[185] So it's maybe 30, 40 minutes.

[186] Kind of feels like a long time, but also, you know, I start calling my friends like, hey, I'm stuck in this gym.

[187] This is so wild.

[188] Now the gym is on Lafayette.

[189] So it's this very busy road.

[190] It's 10 something at night at this point and there's people walking by.

[191] I mean, it's an active area.

[192] So the police pull up with the lights on.

[193] They get out of the car.

[194] They walk over to the door and they are just laughing.

[195] What have we encountered here?

[196] And I'm of course laughing and also.

[197] So, so embarrassed.

[198] At this gym, they had a vestibule.

[199] So you have your door from the street into a small room.

[200] And then there's a secondary door that goes into the main facility.

[201] So in order to talk to the police, I have to come into that vestibule area.

[202] And without thinking, I get in there and the second door locks behind me. So now I'm really stuck in this box.

[203] So now I'm in this glass box.

[204] There's pedestrians going by NYPD.

[205] They're so nice.

[206] They said, okay, well, we have.

[207] have the ability to cut the bolt on this lock, and we can get you out.

[208] And I'm thinking it's like one of those big bolt cutters, like a big scissors almost.

[209] They're just going to clip it.

[210] We're going to be out of here.

[211] And it wasn't.

[212] It was a circular saw.

[213] He has this mask.

[214] So he pulls the mask down.

[215] And it takes a little while for him to get through the boat.

[216] People stopping, people whispering, like, what's going on?

[217] And you have nowhere to hide.

[218] You're just in a glass box.

[219] You blew out your hair, so you look kind of good.

[220] You got a pump.

[221] I have a fresh hair, do.

[222] I'm feeling great, except for being trapped.

[223] So they get the bolt off.

[224] They lift the grate.

[225] I'm free.

[226] They put a cute little pink lock back on.

[227] And they left a note for the people at the gym that said something like, if you want to get back in the gym, you need to come to whatever precinct number.

[228] You left somebody in here last night.

[229] Oh my God.

[230] Oh.

[231] Yeah.

[232] Yeah, you tell them.

[233] That's so funny.

[234] I mean, I guess they had to have a lot of safety precautions if Matt Damon goes there.

[235] Yeah.

[236] Obviously, security's got to be heightened.

[237] Yeah.

[238] So that's also where I was so confused about, you know, this guy on the phone told me it's a 24 -hour gym.

[239] So if for whatever reason they're closing, wouldn't there be somebody walking around to do checks?

[240] Well, also, it's not like you were taking a nap in a locker.

[241] You were running a hair dryer.

[242] Yeah, it was very obvious that there was still a person down there.

[243] You got to hand it to him for clearing out so quickly.

[244] You would think they would take least an hour to get the personnel out of there and everything.

[245] That was also very mysterious because I came upstairs just a few minutes after closing and everybody was Scott.

[246] Yeah, this is weird.

[247] They're in a mad dash to get to the bar.

[248] So I'm thinking, okay, I'm going to come back the next day while this is fresh and I'm going to stand my ground and say how worried I was.

[249] And I went up to one of the managers and I said, hey, I'm the girl that got locked in here last night.

[250] We need to have a talk about this.

[251] Like, what's going on?

[252] You guys are supposed to be open 24 hours.

[253] And he says, well, we are open 24 hours except for Sundays.

[254] We close at 9 o 'clock.

[255] Oh, on Sundays.

[256] So his whole position was, it was live.

[257] there.

[258] Sorry this happened.

[259] It still doesn't answer for why they didn't see you.

[260] Well, he said, well, what do you want out of this?

[261] Oh, so New York.

[262] I know.

[263] I was like, well, maybe you can prorate my week of membership.

[264] You know, just something to say you're sorry.

[265] And I did bring up like a safety issue of I could have had a medical incident and passed out in the shower.

[266] What's your protocol to make sure that people are okay and out of your building?

[267] And he said, well, I'm really sorry this happened, you know, I can't give you any money off your membership, but I can offer you a smoothie.

[268] And so he kind of does this weird, like, puts this arm around my shoulder and kind of corrals me over to the smoothie area to present me with a smoothie coupon for my troubles.

[269] It was really kind of gross.

[270] God, yeah.

[271] For 15 years after the fact, how old do you think that manager was if we're being generous?

[272] Probably early 30s.

[273] Oh, okay.

[274] Because you know, sometimes these places, they're run by 21 -year -olds, too.

[275] And they don't give a fuck about anything.

[276] Yeah, I worked at SoulCycle.

[277] Yeah, you were running the joint.

[278] And I was a key holder, so I was that person.

[279] What would you have done if someone got locked in SoulCycle?

[280] Were you been like, well, did you get out?

[281] Okay.

[282] I would have been like, why didn't you notice this is on you?

[283] I would have gaslit.

[284] Right, right.

[285] I'm just kidding.

[286] I was such a good employee.

[287] I would never have left someone in there.

[288] Did you do a sweep of the place whenever you closed?

[289] You had to.

[290] You had to as protocol.

[291] Yeah.

[292] Okay.

[293] Oh, my God.

[294] Well, these people aren't soul cycle material, apparently.

[295] Exactly.

[296] They would have never cut it there.

[297] So, Amy, how long did you stay at that gym?

[298] I would say I stayed probably another couple weeks because the fallout of this was every time I'd come in, it seemed that the word had gotten around that it was me that got locked in because the staff, you know, people would be like, oh, kind of whispering to themselves off in the corner, like, oh, that's her.

[299] Just thought it's time to go somewhere else.

[300] Yeah.

[301] I wonder if the story made its way to Matt Dan.

[302] like when he worked out and his trainer was probably like oh my god something really funny happened yeah probably maybe he knows yeah i doubt he had a trainer though yeah he seems like me like he's more self -motivated next time we have him on i'm gonna ask him if he remembers this gym this is a little bit of ageism the other way you never hear about which is like young people are easily dismissed if you were a 41 year old woman and you came to the desk and talked to that person like me now yeah in fact you should try to get yourself locked in there again and then repeat this all thought you would sue but you definitely wouldn't sue as like a 20 -something thing.

[303] No, you're too hungover and busy chasing boys and stuff.

[304] Couldn't do in your hair.

[305] Yeah, get doing your blowouts.

[306] Well, Amy, thank you for telling us that story.

[307] We're glad you made it alive.

[308] And yeah, I just would have absolutely kicked that door open because it's on them.

[309] I guess that's true.

[310] It's like they put you in this position.

[311] I don't give a fuck if your alarm goes off.

[312] And if the cops come, I go, yeah, they locked me in.

[313] I would have been scared too.

[314] I don't know why.

[315] Yeah, those alarms are deterrence.

[316] Thanks for sharing.

[317] Yeah, thank you, Amy.

[318] Thanks so much for having me, guys.

[319] Okay, take care.

[320] I think all these are mute cutes now.

[321] I thought like the police officer or the manager at the gym.

[322] It would be great.

[323] Maybe the guy wanted it to be a meet cue because you put that note.

[324] He was trying to use a pink lock.

[325] Yeah.

[326] That was a very flirty thing to do.

[327] Hello.

[328] Hi, how are you?

[329] Is this Nick?

[330] This is, yes.

[331] I love that we're in your bedroom or a guest bedroom.

[332] I like that we're in a bedroom.

[333] We're rarely in a bedroom with anyone.

[334] It's funny.

[335] About five minutes ago, I was in my.

[336] daughter's bedroom, which is a little smaller and probably better for the sound.

[337] And our neighbor across the street is doing a construction project and just whipped up their, like, drywall mixer.

[338] Do you live across the street from me?

[339] Yeah, right.

[340] In the last five minutes, I've been frantic.

[341] Oh, no. I brought blankets in and comfy pillows.

[342] No, you're in an ideal room already.

[343] There's a lot of soft fabrics around you.

[344] You don't want to be close to walls, shocking.

[345] That's the echo chamber.

[346] So you're golden.

[347] You're wearing a soft sweatshirt, a hoodie.

[348] That's going to help you have a little bit of stubble that's going to break up the sound waves right where are you at nick sonoma county california oh okay are you in any tangential way associated with the wine industry i have been i was working in the wine industry for almost 20 years oh look at that what were you a sales rep were you a vintner what were you i worked in marketing social media and are you ever over at sonoma raceway i'm not i had a feeling you'd ask me about that that's the site of my huge crash that all the surgeries.

[349] So what are you doing now?

[350] So now I work at our regional food bank called the Roadwood Empire Food Bank.

[351] And I do grant writing and corporate partnerships.

[352] Busy time a year?

[353] Yeah, we do half of our fundraising between Thanksgiving and New Year's.

[354] Wow.

[355] Well, thanks for taking the time to tell us your crazy gym story.

[356] I'm sure you're busy.

[357] Yeah, we're excited.

[358] Hit us.

[359] Where does this take place?

[360] Are we in Sonoma?

[361] Does Sonoma have gyms?

[362] We do.

[363] This takes place in a little town called Windsor, just north of Santa Rosa.

[364] That's the home of Charles Schultz.

[365] That's right.

[366] Yeah, Charles.

[367] Museum, Home of Peanuts.

[368] And they had a nice pageant for a while, but that's been gotten rid of...

[369] You're so...

[370] Sorry, Nick.

[371] I want to hear it.

[372] I know, but I want to get a rhythm going, Nick.

[373] I know.

[374] This is foreplay.

[375] I want to join sexual energies.

[376] Okay.

[377] Whatever.

[378] Do they do ice skating there anymore or no?

[379] They do.

[380] They have an ice skating rink.

[381] Okay.

[382] Charlie Brown, important person, Vince Goraldi, the holidays.

[383] Tis the season.

[384] Tis the season.

[385] Okay, sorry.

[386] It's January.

[387] 2000.

[388] I'm 18 years old in between my semesters at my freshman year of college.

[389] I was going to the junior college here in town.

[390] Most of my friends had already left to go back to their schools, some post -holiday blues, post -Y2K excitement.

[391] Oh, yeah.

[392] New Year's Resolution.

[393] What was that?

[394] New Year's Resolution.

[395] Oh, I was going to the gym.

[396] This is relevant to the gym.

[397] I'm just laughing.

[398] I hate Monica.

[399] Do you need a co -host?

[400] Do you need a new co -host, Nick?

[401] I'm a veil.

[402] Okay, go on.

[403] So I was just kind of moping around the house and my sister lived at home.

[404] She was a little bit older than me and she loved going to the gym.

[405] So she dragged me to the gym one day.

[406] Put on, you know, a new pair of warm -up pants that I had, a big hooded sweatshirt, exactly what I thought someone who would go to the gym would wear, you know, but not at all.

[407] It's not a very big gym.

[408] It was the first time I'd ever been to a public gym.

[409] They kind of had the check area and the machines kind of in the front and then tucked in the back for a few treadmills and all the free weights.

[410] So we went in, hopped up on a couple of the treadmills to do a little warm -up.

[411] We were jogging for a few minutes.

[412] And my sister, she hopped off and went to go do like her routine, whatever she was going to do.

[413] And I decided to stay on the treadmill.

[414] I did a little running in high school.

[415] So started building my confidence a little bit, putting up the speed, trying to get familiar with, you know, being on a treadmill, you know, probably five minutes go by.

[416] And I'm going pretty fast and feeling good.

[417] Of course, I've got lined sweatpants on and a big.

[418] hooded sweatshirt, so I'm getting hot.

[419] I'm way over -dressed.

[420] Decide I need to take my sweatshirt off.

[421] The thought does not even cross my mind to, like, stop the treadmill, take my sweatshirt off, and start up again.

[422] I'm going to just go ahead and try and take new sweatshirt off while I'm on the trip.

[423] Absolutely.

[424] I can see myself making the same call.

[425] Well, yeah, you can't stop.

[426] Yeah, you know that move in the car where you're driving, you need to take a sweatshirt off or something and you can kind of do it real quick.

[427] Well, can I tell you, Nick, the first thing I thought of when you painted this picture was how many times I've taken a hoodie off in the car and then miscalculated and realized like I don't have either arm now and I'm driving with my knee.

[428] And that's exactly what happened here.

[429] I got one arm out.

[430] Hold that neck.

[431] And sorry, Monica.

[432] Are there any girls around?

[433] Had you locked eyes with anyone and had anything in your mind going like, oh, I see you and you see me?

[434] No, if anything, I wanted to be anonymous.

[435] I was pretty shy kid.

[436] Luckily, it was very busy.

[437] I was kind of off on my own, you know, got one arm out of the sweatshirt, pulled the sweatshirt over my head, and that was when I lost sight for the first time.

[438] Oh.

[439] And immediately stopped feet.

[440] I fly off the back of the truck.

[441] Oh, no. And I wish it would have ended there, and that would have been fine.

[442] I probably would have been okay.

[443] But the way this gym was set up was that, you know, it was 2000.

[444] It was pre -flatscreen TVs.

[445] So the TVs were hanging on the ceiling, and they were the big tube TVs, and they were down the middle of the gym.

[446] So the treadmills were turned to face the middle of the gym, backed again.

[447] a wall.

[448] Oh.

[449] Oh, no. Okay.

[450] Okay.

[451] Okay.

[452] Bounced off the wall, landed back in the treadmill.

[453] Back on the wall.

[454] Wait.

[455] What?

[456] No. No. No. No. No. I'm basically like in a dryer and a tumble cycle.

[457] It's kind of what it felt like.

[458] Are you still blinded by the sweatshirt?

[459] Completely blinded.

[460] Sweat shirt completely got way over my head.

[461] Can't see anything.

[462] I'm just kind of bouncing back and forth between treadmill on the wall over and over again.

[463] This is like an America's funniest whole video.

[464] Or even a Simpsons cartoon, like Homer Simpson on a treadmill.

[465] Yes.

[466] So, you know, eventually I hear my sister's screaming, not really helping, but she's screaming from the other side of the room.

[467] You know, if somebody else, all this is happening so fast, too.

[468] It's probably only 30 seconds, but it feels like 10 minutes that I'm just bouncing back and forth between treadmill and the wall.

[469] Eventually, somebody came and stopped the treadmill.

[470] I took inventory.

[471] outside of my torn warm -up pants.

[472] Oh, no, this is so sad.

[473] Wait, your warm -up pants tore?

[474] Oh, yeah, total rug burn.

[475] Oh, my God.

[476] You're lucky they stayed on.

[477] You could have been in your skivies.

[478] I imagine also people helping pull the hoodie off of you.

[479] Yeah.

[480] I mean, I feel fortunate that it wasn't too busy.

[481] There wasn't that many people there.

[482] I pretty much left immediately after that.

[483] I was like, I'll wait in the car while you finish your workout.

[484] I'm not hanging out anymore.

[485] I'm done with the workout.

[486] I'm never, ever going to exercise again.

[487] I have a feeling that people who work there probably had that on security footage and probably got a real charge of it.

[488] Oh, they probably watched that over and over and over again.

[489] It was shown to many, many people.

[490] Did they have at that time on the treadmills, the pull?

[491] You know, now they have that pull.

[492] But no one ever hooks themselves.

[493] Oh, because, yeah, you're supposed to wear it.

[494] But nobody does.

[495] No one's ever going to wear that thing.

[496] And this is why you're supposed to wear it.

[497] What was the extent of the injuries?

[498] When you got in the car and the adrenaline subsided, did you start feeling?

[499] like, oh, I got my ass kicked by that thing.

[500] I was pretty sore the next day.

[501] Burned up knees a little bit, but more bruised ego than anything.

[502] Oh, me. Oh, my God.

[503] It's like falling onto a belt sander.

[504] If I was your sister.

[505] Oh, your sister.

[506] Oh, your sister.

[507] Come across the room.

[508] Help!

[509] Call 9 -1 -1!

[510] I called her last night to kind of corroborate the story, and she was like, what I remember is I was working out, and all of a sudden I hear this big thud.

[511] And then I turn around, I see her arms flailing around on the treadmill.

[512] oh my gosh i really want to see yeah me too i'm like ping pong person yes i wonder if you maybe it was rolling too there could have been some right oh yeah oh nick i'm glad you survived that luckily nobody got too hurt oh well that was fun what a great story i'm sorry that happened to you you really went through the spin cycle as you said i really did did you revisit exercise i have stayed outside for my running sure for a while not jump on a treadmill for many years.

[513] Yeah, at least when you fall down there, you stay put.

[514] Exactly.

[515] Unless there's an earthquake.

[516] Yeah, you fall in a ravine and then you, yeah.

[517] I wouldn't say I'm the most graceful person either, so I've been known to trip just on the sidewalk.

[518] You're terribly cute, though.

[519] I think it works perfectly with what you're presenting.

[520] Thank you.

[521] Yeah, you have kind of a Steve Correll.

[522] He's got a sweetness.

[523] Yeah, and a Steve Correllness.

[524] Yeah.

[525] Who do people tell you you look like?

[526] Moncee cheese?

[527] You ever heard of those guys?

[528] Munchy cheese, munchy cheese, they're so soft and cuddly, munchy cheese.

[529] You know, we used to call Delta a Munchy cheese.

[530] Yeah, we did.

[531] I think she had a Munchy cheese.

[532] She did, she had a little one.

[533] Yeah.

[534] I don't get a lot of prompts to celebrities that I can think of.

[535] Tell people Steve Correll.

[536] You just start telling people.

[537] You know who I look like.

[538] I do need to give a quick shout out to my daughter, Grace, and my son, Sam.

[539] I let them listen to a very choice few of these.

[540] Did they like the story of the mandi?

[541] decomposing that brunch in Canada.

[542] You haven't heard that one.

[543] I'll wait until they're a little older for that one.

[544] You should use that as punishment.

[545] If one of them fucks up, you're like, you get in that room and you listen to it over and over again.

[546] I'll bookmark that one for later.

[547] Okay, we'll give our love to your babies.

[548] Yes, thanks for sharing.

[549] Take care.

[550] That one got you.

[551] I loved seeing how much that got you.

[552] You were really giggling.

[553] Did you have any pee in your pants?

[554] No, it's dry.

[555] Oh, that's fun.

[556] What if I got self -conscious that I wasn't laughing as hard?

[557] So then I decided I'll pee my pants a little bit.

[558] Because then I can say, like, oh, I was laughing so hard, I peeed my pants.

[559] That is something you would do.

[560] Is it?

[561] Yeah, I think.

[562] Just have an excuse to pee my pan?

[563] Hello.

[564] Hello.

[565] Oh, my God.

[566] You look so much.

[567] What are you going to say?

[568] Well, you were going to say Mary Steenbergin.

[569] Nope.

[570] Close.

[571] Mary Lou Henner.

[572] Oh.

[573] With the super memory.

[574] I've gotten that.

[575] one other time in my life.

[576] You have.

[577] At an airport.

[578] I'm not going to tell you where because it'll give away where I am.

[579] Your location, because you want to remain.

[580] Well, what's crazy is the name also that you gave us your code name, your pseudonym, your nom de plur, is Mary.

[581] Mary.

[582] That's so sim.

[583] I think you're more merry than you know you're more married.

[584] Wow.

[585] And then you had a Mary, Stim virgin.

[586] Mary Steam Virgin.

[587] Yeah, also very Mary Steam Virgin.

[588] Do you get that?

[589] No, I'll take it.

[590] This is so sim because we put out a quilts episode.

[591] So today, a flightless bird, and you have a quilt hanging up.

[592] Oh, boy.

[593] I was trying to make it insulated in here.

[594] I'm actually in my closet, which is at the start of the scene of the crime of my story here.

[595] Oh, really?

[596] It's really bringing me back to seven years ago.

[597] I'm so excited.

[598] Okay.

[599] So 2016.

[600] Yes.

[601] Cold morning.

[602] I know you don't want to tell us where you're at specifically, but I do need a region of the country.

[603] Middle of the country.

[604] So all the seasons, it happened to be winter.

[605] And I was on the phone with a friend.

[606] pretty distracted.

[607] I was thinking I was late to my yoga class and I was rushing to get ready.

[608] I was in my closet.

[609] And I quickly put on my long jacket, put on my pants, talking to my friend, rushing out the door to catch this yoga class.

[610] And I had been going to yoga on and off for 12 years.

[611] I was at the studio for a little over a year at this point and I would always go to the morning class.

[612] Well, I got to ask Monica protocol right now.

[613] What?

[614] Okay, I feel like I know what happens, but I know you don't want me to guess.

[615] But can I whisper it to you?

[616] Sure.

[617] Oh, okay.

[618] He guessed something, but yeah, I don't like when he's boils.

[619] But he doesn't like when I guess, so, but I. But he has to.

[620] This is like the best, like, a new control wise.

[621] I get into the yoga class.

[622] It's a hot yoga class.

[623] And I'm in the locker room.

[624] I'm still rushing to get ready talking to my friend on the phone.

[625] And I quickly hang up with her, take off my jacket, grab my yoga mat, head into the studio.

[626] I find the studio's empty, and I'm like, well, I'm not late, so let me just roll out my mat here, relax, get ready for the class.

[627] And this particular room is set up where it's just like a long rectangle and there's a door in the back and it's kind of off to the far right.

[628] And it opens up and there's a mirror in front of you.

[629] And so I put my mat down pretty much right in front of the door.

[630] I always just get into child's pose for the beginning of class.

[631] Like I don't want to see anyone.

[632] I don't want to talk anyone.

[633] I'm just in my child's pose.

[634] So that's what I do.

[635] Really quick remind us is that you're on your knees and you're leaned forward with your palms on the ground?

[636] Exactly.

[637] And I'm facing towards the mirror and my back is towards the door.

[638] People are filing in.

[639] Maybe it's five minutes.

[640] But now the room's full of about probably 30 people.

[641] I mean, this particular class, everyone's like lined up right next to each other.

[642] It's filled.

[643] And as I'm still in child's pose, just kind of getting ready for the instructor to give us the next direction here, I get this tap on my shoulder, and I look back, and there's this woman, beautiful gray hair, kind eyes, and she just looks at me, and she says, ma 'am, I think you have a hole in your pants.

[644] Oh.

[645] We've all been there.

[646] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[647] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

[648] thing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[649] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[650] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[651] It's called Mr. Ballin's medical mysteries.

[652] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[653] Follow Mr. Ballin's medical mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[654] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon music.

[655] What's up guys?

[656] It's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you it's too good and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest.

[657] Every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[658] And I don't mean just friends.

[659] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[660] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[661] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[662] I knew immediately what happened because I had just gotten a puppy and my puppy dog, I don't know why they do this, but they eat the crotches out of your pants.

[663] Well, because there's pheromones in there.

[664] Sick.

[665] So I immediately would happen and I knew immediately I wasn't wearing underwear.

[666] Oh, baby.

[667] My God.

[668] I quickly got my yoga mat, wrapped it up, threw on my jacket, headed out the door.

[669] My drive home was like five minutes.

[670] I'm crying because it was just mortifying.

[671] I get home, and I'm thinking it's a certain size of hole because I've seen her do this before.

[672] Yeah, in your mind, give us a dollar bill, a quarter.

[673] I knew it was going to be bad.

[674] Like, I was thinking like a tennis ball.

[675] A tennis ball.

[676] You can see a lot.

[677] What I wasn't envisioning was assless chaps.

[678] The whole back.

[679] The whole, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[680] This is so perfect because you are by the door.

[681] So every single person who entered, looked down, and saw.

[682] Like, I'm talking my entire, entire middle of my pants.

[683] You couldn't have splayed yourself more.

[684] No. Wow.

[685] Wow.

[686] I guess, yeah, you wouldn't have felt it.

[687] I feel like I would have...

[688] I've never done this in my life.

[689] And the first time I did this, I put my jacket.

[690] I had a long puffer jacket on.

[691] And then I put my pants on and I was distracted on the phone.

[692] Multitasking.

[693] I was multitasking and rushing.

[694] And then I get to a hot, sweaty room taking off my jacket.

[695] I still didn't feel like a breeze of air.

[696] It was like the perfect scenario leading up to this.

[697] Wow.

[698] And then child's pose.

[699] Oh, that's nice lady.

[700] I'm so glad she said, like, you could have gone through the whole class.

[701] Well, I think I would have seen it at some point, but I'm mortified because, A, I feel like people recognize me at the class.

[702] And then the other thing was I immediately went to, I'm sure they were wondering what person their right mind would not know they had that big of a hole in their pants.

[703] So therefore, did they think that I was like trying to get my rocks off?

[704] Yeah, an exhibitionist.

[705] I would have thought that.

[706] Sorry.

[707] Yes, I too.

[708] And you know when it would have occurred to you is when you got on your butt for something, you would have felt.

[709] the rubber.

[710] You'd have been like, ow.

[711] You'd have been, why is my, I thought about that.

[712] Ow, why's my, I just went right into child's pose, I know.

[713] Wow.

[714] I love, I mean, I hate this for you, but I'm so happy for everyone else.

[715] Was your, was the front covered?

[716] Think about child's pose.

[717] It's all vagina in.

[718] No, she said assless chaps.

[719] Right.

[720] It was all of it.

[721] Oh, vagina was showing two.

[722] Yes.

[723] And more importantly, anus.

[724] Let's be honest.

[725] Worse for me would be vagina.

[726] Than anus?

[727] Yeah.

[728] See, I'm the opposite.

[729] Same, same, Mary.

[730] I've had kids, so vaginas.

[731] But not in a yoga studio, you didn't have kids that I know of.

[732] Yeah, I haven't been to yoga since.

[733] I used to go all the time.

[734] You really haven't been since?

[735] I just have no desire.

[736] Oh, it killed your spirit.

[737] Yeah, I really did.

[738] That answers several of my follow -up questions all at once, which is when you returned, did you notice people were more interested in chatting you up, like, needing to get more info.

[739] I will never know.

[740] You'll never know.

[741] Oh, Mary, I don't like this.

[742] I feel like you gotta get back on that horse.

[743] No, I think you made the right decision.

[744] Because it was an omen.

[745] It was like an omen and a prophecy.

[746] No, she loved child's pose.

[747] Do you do yoga at home?

[748] I do.

[749] Okay.

[750] You don't even need your outfit in -home.

[751] Do whatever.

[752] You were married at the time?

[753] Yes.

[754] Only a few people know this story.

[755] My husband knows, and I called him in the car crying.

[756] He thought I, like, got in a car wreck and killed somebody.

[757] It was just so mortified.

[758] And I've had a lot of embarrassing moments, but this one was just...

[759] That's really specific.

[760] Yeah, I mean, it's so...

[761] You just can't get more exposed than child's pose.

[762] And it was for a long period of time.

[763] Right.

[764] You had lost yourself in the pose.

[765] Thank God you didn't, like, far.

[766] Oh, my God.

[767] If I had said that you'd be so mad at me, but I'm so glad you said it.

[768] I'm glad.

[769] Thank you for saying it, I guess.

[770] It was more of a thank you.

[771] Okay.

[772] Wait, I have another question.

[773] question, of course.

[774] This is...

[775] Oh, no, we had a flip.

[776] There you go.

[777] Were there men in the class?

[778] Yes.

[779] Oh.

[780] It was probably half.

[781] Oh.

[782] What if like, okay, what if you notice all the men that were in front started to move their mats to behind you?

[783] What do you mean?

[784] I would have walked in.

[785] I saw it and I'd be like, huh, I don't like it up here.

[786] And I would have done a whole, like, pantom I mean that it was something was uncomfortable up here.

[787] Oh, it's drafty up here.

[788] Oh, it's much more.

[789] And I'd be vocalizing.

[790] Oh, much warmer in back.

[791] I live for the heat.

[792] I just bolted.

[793] I did not even look around.

[794] You covered it with your yoga mat.

[795] Yeah.

[796] Yeah, I made a, like a towel.

[797] Burrito.

[798] Now, there's one other thought I might have, and this is not positive.

[799] Okay.

[800] I might have thought, like, she's in threadbare clothes, and maybe she's living on the street.

[801] Oh, on house.

[802] With my Lulu Lemon yoga mat.

[803] Well, I don't know a lot about the yoga mats, but if I just saw, like, some very frayed and torn.

[804] But it's just like everything.

[805] looks good except that one area.

[806] That's true.

[807] Yeah, if only I had a tattered.

[808] Yeah, if only.

[809] I'm just, that would be the other option I would go to.

[810] It's like, oh, this person's a little out of their mind and they're or like, yeah, drug addict.

[811] Who loves yoga, yeah.

[812] Which there does seem to be some overlap there.

[813] Yeah, I'm sure.

[814] Yeah.

[815] Oh, wow, that was fun.

[816] Thanks, Mary.

[817] Thank you guys.

[818] This is fun.

[819] I'm glad to get it out there.

[820] Annonymously, I think I'm ready to get off.

[821] Well, thank you so much for sharing.

[822] Yes, thank you.

[823] You guys take care.

[824] Happy holidays.

[825] Okay, bye, bye, bye.

[826] Oh, no. That unraveled.

[827] Things are unraveling.

[828] I need to buy my sweatshirt.

[829] I can't believe more people than tell her.

[830] If that room filled up.

[831] Well, Rob, would you ever have told her?

[832] Yeah, I would have.

[833] You would have?

[834] I would have let them know, yeah.

[835] Wouldn't you think it was, I would think it's intentional.

[836] Right.

[837] 30 people, though.

[838] Like, if a guy opens up his raincoat in the park and he's bare naked, do you think you need to tell him, hey, you're naked?

[839] You're going, and this is his kink.

[840] If it's a hole in the pants.

[841] It sounds like it was the entire, it was all open.

[842] Yeah.

[843] I just feel like I know you and that you would want to say something, but you wouldn't.

[844] And I think that's what most people in the room probably felt like.

[845] Should I?

[846] If I knew it was an accident.

[847] But how would you know?

[848] She's a stranger.

[849] A hole in the pants had a yoga place that probably costs a decent amount to be.

[850] It just sounds like it didn't look like a hole.

[851] It looked on purpose, like a crotch.

[852] pants.

[853] I guess if it looked on purpose, I would not have said something.

[854] By the way, I think we already have run this experiment, because are you the type of person to tell someone they have a booger in their nose?

[855] Exactly.

[856] I bet you don't.

[857] I would feel embarrassed for them if I told them.

[858] Well, that's the same scenario.

[859] This is way worse.

[860] This is that type of already.

[861] This is like, I got to tell someone the most embarrassing thing ever.

[862] I saw their anus.

[863] But if like you were about to go on stage at a live show and you had a booger, I would tell you in that case.

[864] Sure.

[865] Well, that's our shared livelihood is on the long.

[866] Yeah.

[867] You better tell you.

[868] You have a photo shoot for this show, and I've got a huge booger hanging out.

[869] Well, I know it because, okay, one time we had someone on.

[870] Uh -oh.

[871] And Rob gets everyone the cream tops.

[872] Oh, yes, yes.

[873] You know exactly what I'm talking about.

[874] Cream tops, you can't get those for people anymore.

[875] Because if they have facial hair, it's like eating a powdered white donut.

[876] It gets stuck all in people's facial hair.

[877] And we took a paper.

[878] picture with somebody who had it in their facial hair.

[879] And in my head, I was like, if Rob doesn't fucking tell him.

[880] He's in a photo.

[881] I can tell you, though, my thought process was I can Photoshop that out.

[882] This is not a big deal to do.

[883] You'll realize it later.

[884] I knew I wasn't going to, but I've already declared myself as someone who never will say anything.

[885] Right.

[886] And then I didn't know what was happening with you.

[887] But I was missing it.

[888] Right.

[889] Because I knew you would say.

[890] And I'm so all over that kind of thing normally.

[891] Right.

[892] Must have been distracting.

[893] Rob noticed it.

[894] Had it just been me and him, I wouldn't have told them in front of you guys, because that would have embarrassed him more.

[895] And I knew I could Photoshop it out.

[896] But then when he got in the car and looked in the mirror and saw it.

[897] He wiped it.

[898] He wiped it at some point.

[899] But then he noticed, oh, it's like, oh, I hated it.

[900] Do you think if you were with somebody, it was just two people, and then it smelled, like you would act like it was a courtesy like, oh, I think he might have farted.

[901] No. What are you talking about?

[902] Because we're saying, like, we're pointing out when things are embarrassing.

[903] We need to tell the person.

[904] You're like, oh, my gosh, I think you might have farted it.

[905] Just so you know, I think you may have farted.

[906] There has to be a reason to tell.

[907] Because you're trying to prevent more embarrassed.

[908] Yes, exactly.

[909] So if the person didn't know, but it's not.

[910] That's only, you're like, oh, you need to be a little more mindful because I think you farted.

[911] That's only embarrassing for you.

[912] The cream on the mustache is bad for him walking through the rest of the world and the picture.

[913] And I did think that too.

[914] I guess he'll just have to Photoshop that out.

[915] It happens occasionally, and people usually are pretty quick to get it.

[916] We cannot keep buying those for people.

[917] They were a hazard.

[918] Josh says Madeline.

[919] It's probably his wife's account.

[920] I'll just make sure my crotch is covered.

[921] Hi, Josh.

[922] Hello.

[923] I am so Mac not smart.

[924] So I'm using one of my employees' MacBooks.

[925] So that's why it says your name instead of mine.

[926] Madeline.

[927] You're a PC, like the commercial.

[928] I am.

[929] Recording.

[930] There we go.

[931] Nice to meet you both.

[932] Nice to meet you.

[933] I see stained glass out the window in the corner.

[934] Yes.

[935] Do you live directly next to a church?

[936] It might have been at one point.

[937] I work at a university.

[938] I think it's part of our law school, actually.

[939] Monica just got horny.

[940] I really did.

[941] I want to teleport there right now.

[942] I love college.

[943] It's beautiful.

[944] So you have a crazy gym story.

[945] I do.

[946] This took place back in 2011.

[947] I was living in Toledo, Ohio at the time, which was my hometown.

[948] Wait, you're from Toledo?

[949] I'm from Toledo, yeah.

[950] Well, you know, U .S. 23 runs through there, right?

[951] Sure it does.

[952] So I lived like four miles off of U .S. 23, about 50 miles north of you.

[953] I was right at the line, so I was like two miles south of Lambertville.

[954] Oh, yeah.

[955] And I even had a girlfriend down there in Toledo, Jenny Lesnowitz, met her in Cancun on spring break, and I went down to visit her a few times.

[956] Was she at the gym?

[957] I wish it was her.

[958] That would have been a much better story.

[959] I was working at a gym there in Toledo all through high school.

[960] I'd gotten hired, I think, like my sophomore year.

[961] It was a good high school job.

[962] Started off as a lifeguard, became a swimming instructor there, and then my senior year of high school, they promoted me to do the front desk membership sales, things like that.

[963] So it paid a little bit better.

[964] It was a fun time.

[965] We always had regulars that you would see.

[966] By that many years, you knew who came in at what times, how long they would be there for, and what their kind of preferred workout was.

[967] and we had this one elderly gentleman for the story I'll name him Rupert.

[968] Oh, good choice.

[969] Not the friendliest fellow.

[970] He would come in right before closing and he would stay forever.

[971] And so you knew if you were closing the building that day, you're like, shoot, I'm just not going to get out of here until 40, 50 minutes past closing because Rupert's in here.

[972] But really quick, what a bizarre policy.

[973] It's like a restaurant if you arrive before the door closes.

[974] I feel like everyone should be out by the closing time.

[975] I agree.

[976] What an insane policy?

[977] What have you had to do?

[978] two -hour workout.

[979] It was not the policy, but I think when you're 70 -plus, you just don't care.

[980] And so, like, I would come over the loudspeak and be like, hello guests, we're closing in 20 minutes, please wrap up your workouts.

[981] He would wait until, like, the five -minute warning, and then that's when he would go to the shower.

[982] Oh, okay.

[983] It was like a 20 -minute shower, and then he would be like, how long can I walk around the locker room naked?

[984] Oh, my God.

[985] He'd come in to kind of, like, close down the locker room, and he was toweling off.

[986] Ew, I hate him.

[987] Monica, there's a lot of that.

[988] There's always guys posted up endlessly drying them.

[989] themselves.

[990] Especially that decade, it's just like as much as he could expose himself, it felt like.

[991] It was the summer after I graduated high school.

[992] So it was my last shift, like mid -August.

[993] I was moving way to college the very next day.

[994] I was clocking out for the last time.

[995] And so most of the guests were coming in to say goodbye to me. Some brought me some cards because I'd been there for a while.

[996] And he comes in.

[997] We closed at 5 p .m. on that Saturday.

[998] And he comes in at like 3 .30 or so.

[999] And I'm like, shoot, Rupert's here.

[1000] There's no way I'm getting out of here at 5 o 'clock.

[1001] 30 minutes goes by, and then a lady runs up to the front desk where I was working.

[1002] She was like, somebody collapsed back in the aerobic studio.

[1003] Somebody's on the ground.

[1004] I think they need medical attention.

[1005] To me, my boss, she was in the opposite of the time.

[1006] We ran back there, and I knew, I was like, it has to be Rupert.

[1007] Faking a stroke, but somehow also talling himself off.

[1008] We'll get there.

[1009] Oh, no. That's!

[1010] And so we run back there, and of course, it's Rupert.

[1011] Somehow he got to kind of the door of the aerobic studio.

[1012] so he's like halfway out the door on the ground with his head just kind of in the hallway there.

[1013] There's a lot of people around and he's fully awake.

[1014] He's coherent.

[1015] He's able to talk, but he can't move his arms or legs.

[1016] So I think it might have been some stroke.

[1017] I never got the medical update of what actually happened.

[1018] We call 911, so the paramedics are on their way.

[1019] And we want to get him out of that hallway because there's dozens of guests working out.

[1020] And so there's a large broom closet to the side of that hallway.

[1021] It's linoleum floor.

[1022] So me and my boss kind of kind of drag him essentially into the closet to just kind of get him out of the way.

[1023] This sounds like weekend at Bernie's now.

[1024] You're just putting the corpse in a closet.

[1025] I felt like that.

[1026] So we're kind of in there like everything's going to be okay.

[1027] Paramedics are on their way.

[1028] Do you need anything?

[1029] He's doing okay.

[1030] And then he looks up at us, me and my boss.

[1031] My boss is probably a 50 year old woman at the time.

[1032] I'm 18.

[1033] And he goes, I need to use the bathroom.

[1034] Oh, my God.

[1035] Oh, I love this twist.

[1036] She is very prim and proper.

[1037] And she kind of like has this clutch.

[1038] Pearls moment.

[1039] And I remember she said, she goes, I'm out of here.

[1040] And she turns around, like on a dime and walks out the hallway.

[1041] I don't know if she was hoping that the paramedics would come and she was going to go look for them.

[1042] She ditched me. Oh, my gosh.

[1043] She made the right move.

[1044] No. He's 18.

[1045] He's a boy.

[1046] This is some guy shit.

[1047] That's not a good manager.

[1048] I hate her too.

[1049] Okay.

[1050] I think, is that because Josh looks a little bit like Matt Damon?

[1051] Yeah, I'm protected.

[1052] Yeah.

[1053] I could tell.

[1054] She just made my day.

[1055] She leaves, she scrams, and there's no bathroom.

[1056] It's a broom closet.

[1057] Did he specify whether it was one or two?

[1058] No. Just I need to use the bathroom.

[1059] Correct.

[1060] The paramedics are on their way.

[1061] I kind of reiterated that.

[1062] And I remember vividly, I can hear his voice still.

[1063] He goes, son, I know you're not a nurse, but you're going to need to act like one.

[1064] Oh, my God.

[1065] Oh, my God.

[1066] One of the first, like, full dialogue sentences we've actually had with each other.

[1067] over the three years that I worked there.

[1068] And so I'm still not thinking through this all the way of what's actually going to happen.

[1069] He's on his back laying there on the ground.

[1070] And so I was like, well, I'm going to have to address this guy.

[1071] And many times that I've told this story to friends of mine, they would be like, oh, I would have just left.

[1072] Like, there's no way I would have helped him.

[1073] I would have run out.

[1074] And I was kind of like, I don't know.

[1075] I think if you were there in the moment.

[1076] I'm not shocked you didn't desert the guy because I wouldn't have done that.

[1077] But getting his pants off, we're getting closer to what?

[1078] there's no toilet in there.

[1079] Like, there's no reason to get these pants off if there's nothing for him to pee or shit in.

[1080] So better off that he just pee and shit in his clothes, really.

[1081] I would just be like, how is him being nude now going to help anything?

[1082] Yeah, I think I would have said, I'll be here, but legally I'm not allowed to touch you.

[1083] Touch your penis.

[1084] I should have said that.

[1085] I don't know if that's true or not.

[1086] I don't either, but that's what you say.

[1087] I'm young.

[1088] Probably wasn't thinking clearly and was panicking a little bit.

[1089] And so he's elderly and also he's small.

[1090] Like, he's quite thin.

[1091] He was wearing sweatpants, and so I kind of pull his sweatpants down to his ankle.

[1092] Oh, my God.

[1093] And he has an old man, tidy white he's arm.

[1094] So then those I, like, slipped down to his knees.

[1095] And so at this point, I'm looking, do we have, like, a drain in the floor?

[1096] Oh.

[1097] And I think to your earlier question, Dex, I'm just assuming that he's number one.

[1098] Like, there's not an option for number two.

[1099] So if I can help this man not pee himself, then we're okay.

[1100] Yeah.

[1101] There's no drain on the floor.

[1102] There's no urinal or toilet or anything.

[1103] And so I'm looking around, and now on the sink, there's a stack of Dixie cups.

[1104] Okay.

[1105] I grabbed the cups, and at this point, I'm like, here you go, do with these as you will.

[1106] But then he says he needs help because he still can't move his arms.

[1107] From the time that he went into paralysis in the doorway to this closet, how much time has passed do you think?

[1108] Maximum 10 minutes.

[1109] Okay, great.

[1110] That's my hunch.

[1111] So bullshit, you've got to pee this fucking back.

[1112] Because if you had to pee that bad right now, you would have had to pee 10 minutes ago.

[1113] When you were heading into the gym, you should have been walking to the toilet.

[1114] This is insane that within these 10 minutes, he has this irresistible desire to pee.

[1115] Well, if your body's like shutting down.

[1116] Okay.

[1117] That could be a thing.

[1118] I've thought of that so many times.

[1119] I think either this man was at his lowest point physically or he successfully pulled off the pervious role play of all time.

[1120] Yes, a kink.

[1121] And he waited to my last day.

[1122] I have no idea.

[1123] No, oh my God.

[1124] Okay, okay.

[1125] So anyways, you've got the Dixie Cups.

[1126] You put the Dixie Cups down.

[1127] Yeah, I give it to him.

[1128] At this point, I was 18.

[1129] I had never taken anybody's pants off before in my life.

[1130] It was not supposed to be a 70 -year -old man for the first time.

[1131] That was happening.

[1132] But I just kind of left the Cups.

[1133] He's like, I need help.

[1134] I can't do this.

[1135] I don't remember exactly what he said.

[1136] But it was indicated that the Cups were not going to do him any good by themselves.

[1137] And so I think at this point, I'm just a little, like, numb.

[1138] I'm just now in this tight, enclosed space with this very naked old man. man. I get him on his side.

[1139] So now he's kind of laying on his side on the floor thinking that will kind of help him into the cup a little bit better.

[1140] Sure.

[1141] And I realize I'm going to have to put him into the cup.

[1142] No. No. He's old.

[1143] There's not a lot going on down there.

[1144] And so I kind of spread his thighs a little bit because it's just wrinkles essentially.

[1145] So I just kind of separate his thighs a little bit, and I reach into the mountain bush of gray pubic hair and pull out his very tiny penis.

[1146] And I kind of just hose it into the Dixie Cup as if I'm like pulling a bar tab.

[1147] This is so extreme.

[1148] So I'm holding him into the little Dixie Cup, and he starts going.

[1149] So he slowly starts dribbling in there.

[1150] It's a small little Dixie Cup.

[1151] And so like instantly my head's like, well, I'm going to need to get another one.

[1152] And so I have the cup stack there.

[1153] So it's As soon as he getting close to the top, I move it, grab the other one and dip it under.

[1154] Like I'm literally just pouring shots into these little Dixie cups.

[1155] I think we fill up four of them, maybe.

[1156] Wow.

[1157] He did have to pee then, bad.

[1158] And it was as we were filling up the third or fourth Dixie Cup of P is when three firemen opened the hallway door to the closet.

[1159] And so it's Rupert laying there, ass on the ground, and me holding his penis into these then four Dixie Cups of P stacked up next to him.

[1160] us.

[1161] And they just walk in and I'm like holding him, looking up at them.

[1162] And I don't say a word.

[1163] Yeah.

[1164] You're molesting the patient at this point, from their point of view.

[1165] Yeah.

[1166] Although I'm somehow feeling as if I'm being molested.

[1167] You, yes, you are.

[1168] You are violated.

[1169] You have trauma.

[1170] Yeah.

[1171] For real.

[1172] Oh, my God.

[1173] So I just drop him.

[1174] Like I don't pull his, I'm just they're firemen.

[1175] They're allowed to put his pants back on.

[1176] I've done enough.

[1177] And I walk back up to the office and our building supervisor and my boss were up there in our office and they were laughing they were like what happened back there i'm so sorry i abandoned you so i told them what happened i don't think they believed it they just they thought it was the most comical thing that could have happened literally an hour before i clocked out for the last time what a send -off i moved away to college the next day and the whole office sent me like a thank you card thanks for your years of service and my boss finished at the bottom of the card wrote i miss your touch dot dot dot roo Bert.

[1178] Oh, wow.

[1179] Yeah, I did three very successful years there at the gym, and then my last day was quite a little bit of a dud.

[1180] I got to say, out of all the stories we've heard, that's the craziest.

[1181] In our whole life?

[1182] On this show.

[1183] It's rough.

[1184] It's rough, yeah.

[1185] I mean, the notion that you're over there filling Dixie Cups with a guy who's got immediate onset parallel.

[1186] What a wild.

[1187] So we already know he's so entitled.

[1188] I do think he might not have made up the.

[1189] paralysis, but he definitely used it to his advantage.

[1190] It's all the timing of it.

[1191] Like having to peeve that bad, but having left the locker room not peeing is so weird.

[1192] I just don't know if you would know about your body.

[1193] I mean, if he was having like a partial stroke, we don't know.

[1194] Well, that's fair.

[1195] I mean, he was able to wait until his pants were at his ankles and his penis was in my hand before he started going.

[1196] So maybe he just has phenomenal bladder control.

[1197] I don't know.

[1198] His whole body had shut down, but he was in perfect control of his keegles.

[1199] Giving the story to friends, they were like, I would just would have said no. I don't know.

[1200] I mean, in the moment, are you okay just telling somebody, no, just piss yourself.

[1201] I'm not going to do anything.

[1202] Funny enough, we were just having a debate, Josh, before you got on about whether or not we would tell someone whose yoga pants were ripped.

[1203] So two of us said no. So absolutely not.

[1204] If you wouldn't tell someone their yoga pants, you wouldn't pull someone's pants down and fill cups.

[1205] again, would say legally, I can't, but I'll put so much towels on your crotch.

[1206] So feel free to pee and the towels will absorb it.

[1207] Yeah.

[1208] Towers might have been a better option than Dixie Cups, if I'm being honest.

[1209] You wouldn't have to touch anything.

[1210] I'm really grateful you did that, obviously, because what a story.

[1211] And I'm sure it's amused so many people.

[1212] It has.

[1213] I was camping with a group of friends last April, and I told the story.

[1214] And one guy didn't believe me. He was like, No way.

[1215] And so I told the actual name of the place and the member, and they looked it up.

[1216] And he passed away about two years ago.

[1217] And in his obituary, it names one of his favorite activities was going to work out here daily at this gym.

[1218] Oh, that's kind of sweet.

[1219] There is an option that he's completely normal and had this situation and needed a hand and you really saved the day.

[1220] Well, sure.

[1221] Obviously, people are way more victimized in certain situations, but it was the only time in my life.

[1222] life where I drove home that day from the gym.

[1223] And I was like, oh, I understand what it means that victims feel the shame.

[1224] Yes.

[1225] It was the first time that clicked in my brain of like, oh, I feel gross, even though I didn't do anything.

[1226] That's right.

[1227] Because, I mean, in my opinion, maybe not for you, but in my opinion, it's because you betrayed yourself.

[1228] For me, it's like I had some spidey senses saying I shouldn't be here, but that I just continued on because I was overwhelmed by the situation.

[1229] And then you're mad at yourself when you leave.

[1230] Not the fucking asshole who did everything.

[1231] The guilt goes right to you.

[1232] Yep.

[1233] At least positive, it helps me relate, I guess, to that individual that might go through something like that.

[1234] Yeah.

[1235] That was a long time ago.

[1236] He lived a lot longer then.

[1237] If he was in his 70s.

[1238] He did another 10 years.

[1239] So he survived whatever that medical emergency was.

[1240] I do want to say thank you for your Emily recommendation.

[1241] I was recently in Brooklyn.

[1242] And it was so good.

[1243] Oh.

[1244] Even when we over hype it, it still delivers.

[1245] Because, by the way, we, too, psych ourselves up before we go.

[1246] We're like, we talk about it so much.

[1247] It's probably not as good as we say.

[1248] And then every time we go, we're like, nope, it's even better.

[1249] I want it right now so bad.

[1250] The bartender was the one serving me. And I was like, I've heard this burger's great.

[1251] You know, I listened to Armitter Expert.

[1252] And she could not care less.

[1253] Oh.

[1254] What if the bartender was Rupert's daughter?

[1255] Oh, wow.

[1256] And then you guys started dating and it was a meat cute.

[1257] Oh, we want all these to be meat cute somehow.

[1258] Yeah, we're hoping for meat cute.

[1259] I feel like I've touched enough of that family.

[1260] I'd argue opposite, which is like you already dealt with the gnarly shit.

[1261] That's true.

[1262] You deserve a reward.

[1263] That's one way to look at it.

[1264] Oh, well, Josh, this was a pleasure.

[1265] Very nice meeting you.

[1266] Nice to meet you.

[1267] Thank you both.

[1268] All right.

[1269] Bye.

[1270] Man, yikes.

[1271] Oh, my Lord.

[1272] Wow.

[1273] Wow.

[1274] That was great.

[1275] These were fun.

[1276] Yeah, that was very unexpected.

[1277] This was a big way to kick off 2024.

[1278] Yeah.

[1279] Even numbers.

[1280] It's perfect because everyone's in the gym.

[1281] I really hope you're listening to this in the gym.

[1282] I do too.

[1283] And I hope you look over at the very moment someone has fallen on a treadmill and there's spin cycling and you're hearing that same thing.

[1284] And then you will know definitively the sim is real.

[1285] Yes.

[1286] Let us know.

[1287] Well, video it so we believe it.

[1288] Sure.

[1289] Love you.

[1290] Love you.

[1291] Do want to sing a tune or something?

[1292] We don't have a thing song for this new show.

[1293] So here I go, go, go.

[1294] We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of armchair, he's book and some suggestions on the flyer rhymed dish, on the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy.

[1295] Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1296] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[1297] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completely.

[1298] completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.