Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, my name is Pat and Oswald, and I feel radiant about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[1] You know, it's funny, there's a light coming off of you.
[2] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.
[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[4] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[5] Hey there.
[6] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[7] Our setup today is a little different.
[8] Usually, myself, Matt Gourley and Sona, Mocessian.
[9] We're all in the same room.
[10] This is a little bit of a different occasion.
[11] I am in New York City because I came here to do some, well, some pretty cool interviews.
[12] Had a really good time.
[13] Sure.
[14] Nice.
[15] Great.
[16] And, oh, big stars.
[17] Huge stars.
[18] Huge stars.
[19] Wonderful.
[20] But I came here to do that.
[21] And you guys.
[22] remained in Los Angeles.
[23] You know, it's a lot of money to fly you guys out here and we didn't want to spend that kind of coin.
[24] I think it's worth it.
[25] Elevate the content.
[26] Can't put a price on charm.
[27] You actually, you can.
[28] You can put a price on charm and it's not equal to.
[29] If you were willing to fly coach and actually if you would do that, I know.
[30] Charm like this, don't fly coach.
[31] So anyway, I'm here in New York.
[32] and my charming pals are in Los Angeles at the moment.
[33] So we're on what's called, and this might be new to some of you, it's called Zoom.
[34] And it's a technology that really exploded during COVID.
[35] This is a revival of our COVID days.
[36] We were doing the podcast and we weren't all in the same room.
[37] So let me just put it to you guys.
[38] Do you feel that our energy is different when, say, we're in different spaces?
[39] Gorley you and you're in your wonderful home in Pasadena and Sona you're in a land called Altadena north of Pasadena Never seen it on a map Anyway it's like those old maps from the 16th century Where they just show dragons and stuff Do you look at maps often?
[40] You just like look at maps And see if you can find the cities people live in Yes I do When you said I live in Altadena I couldn't find it on a map And then I asked an old man and he said Don't go that way death and doom away to you sea creatures um no it's a lovely place and i'm just kidding around but anyway we're in different zones right now i feel safe for having you at a distance but the the magic isn't as you know clicky clicky you know i hate this why do you hate it i hate this a lot um i like you being i like you being confined to this small box kind of stupid no come on Hey, I'm turning your volume down right now.
[41] It's fantastic.
[42] I'm here and like I'm only thinking about like, are my boys napping?
[43] And then when I'm in the studio, I don't think about them at all.
[44] That sounds like a euphemism.
[45] My boys are napping.
[46] I can tell you.
[47] Yeah, my boys are taking a little snooze.
[48] Wait, what?
[49] Euphemism for what, though?
[50] What does that mean?
[51] Testicles.
[52] My testicles are asleep.
[53] Oh, you call your testicles, your boys?
[54] And they've been asleep for years.
[55] Yeah, they've been, trust me. My testicles went soundly asleep.
[56] Okay.
[57] I think it was 1989.
[58] They passed out.
[59] They're having a good long short.
[60] Sleepy weepie.
[61] Sometimes I'm at a loud party and I'm like, guys, keep it down.
[62] My boys are sleeping.
[63] I'd say that all the time.
[64] Messed up.
[65] See, this is the kind of magic we wouldn't have had if we were all in the studio together.
[66] That's true.
[67] But because we're all in separate spaces, I feel comfortable when Sona, when you bring up your children immediately making it about my testicles.
[68] Okay, because you wouldn't have done that in person.
[69] No, I'm very proper when we're in person.
[70] Oh, you're a proper guy.
[71] I'm a proper boy.
[72] Oh, I love when you do your character work.
[73] Do you like that?
[74] Yeah, who's this?
[75] Conan as a proper guy.
[76] Let me hear it.
[77] I'm Conan.
[78] I'm a proper guy.
[79] Okay, now do your French guy.
[80] Oh, oh, oh, yes, the little makers is.
[81] Oh, my God.
[82] Oh, my God.
[83] It's the worst character work of all time.
[84] What are you talking about?
[85] I'm a professional.
[86] Oh, yes.
[87] I don't like to apologize to our French listeners.
[88] Can you do better?
[89] Can you do a better French guy?
[90] You can't?
[91] No, I can't.
[92] Who could top that?
[93] No one can't.
[94] That's a French, that's a French Canadian cartoon I think you're doing.
[95] Yeah, give me a German guy.
[96] Can we hear German guy?
[97] Wait a minute, that's the French guy.
[98] That's the French?
[99] Oh, no, that's the French collaborator.
[100] I couldn't do it both.
[101] Yeah.
[102] Oh, just like it.
[103] hold on shut up guys I'm getting into character shut your fucking mouths real quick you're dumb hold on now is you got German now that's the German right there I like Ziproclist I ate the Venus Nisha Why are you milking a cow?
[104] Oh my God I'm my God please please and I encourage you to go look at the video of this because Sona is putting her whole body into it and good God Sona, that was fantastic.
[105] Fantastic.
[106] And I mean that, not in the way you think.
[107] Oh, okay.
[108] What a delight.
[109] What a delight.
[110] Hey, I love this.
[111] This was amazing.
[112] Now we're going to get to the interview part.
[113] And for the interview, we are all together for that.
[114] We better hurry up and get there.
[115] Everybody, scurry.
[116] Oh, wow.
[117] You got to fly back.
[118] No. Okay.
[119] Oh, it's funny when Matt does it.
[120] Okay.
[121] No, it wasn't funny.
[122] Yes, it was.
[123] Yes, it was.
[124] Yes, it was.
[125] Yes, it was.
[126] I don't know what that was.
[127] What was that?
[128] What was that?
[129] I loved it.
[130] None of you were selected of your character.
[131] French person.
[132] Yes.
[133] I thought that was my German guy.
[134] We, all right.
[135] Come on.
[136] My boys are getting anxious.
[137] They're awake.
[138] These boys were awake.
[139] They just woke up.
[140] Oh, no. They're like, they don't know what's been happening since 1989.
[141] Wait, George Bush's son became president?
[142] Quiet.
[143] Oh, there's more.
[144] What?
[145] And then Trump, what?
[146] The real estate from the reality show?
[147] Quiet testicles, quiet.
[148] They are pretty, they are pretty meek.
[149] They don't, I love that.
[150] That's how my, my, what's going on up there?
[151] Stark in here.
[152] They're just talking about presidents.
[153] Wow.
[154] Real mystery why I never got the ladies.
[155] Anyway, my guest today, and we are all, again, all together for this, my guest today is a hilarious comedian and actor.
[156] He's also co -author of the.
[157] comic book series, minor threats.
[158] And volume one of the series is in stores now.
[159] Pat and Oswald, welcome.
[160] Well, I'm glad you're here.
[161] I'm glad I'm here.
[162] And that's all the time we have.
[163] All right.
[164] Thanks a lot.
[165] Check me up, Pattenhousewalt .com.
[166] Tour dates coming up.
[167] I got five other podcasts to do, man. I'm really, I'm just doing the promo thing.
[168] Do you know, because the late night show started in 93, I feel like you were on one of those people that came on, early on around I think 94, 94 or 95 was my first time.
[169] And then I used to say, I used to refer to you as just money in the bank, meaning you would come on the show.
[170] Not only did I not have to worry about it, but it was going to be really, really funny and we could do as much time as we wanted to, which is always a gift for someone like me. Yes, you can relax.
[171] I can relax.
[172] Patent's here.
[173] You would go down these so many fascinating little wormholes in your comedy which are very and the way you paint pictures using words always delighted me you've got such you've got great imagery yeah it I always felt good about that well I see your skills at killing time you were the first have you taken a turn you were the first late night show that I would go on where you would actually give me insight into the sausage making of the show Oh, I would.
[174] You were very, when we were off mic or going to commercial, you were very open about a guest that had just been on where you're like, that was pulling teeth.
[175] Like, they had nothing to say.
[176] And I remember, I'm not going to name the band.
[177] I was on one time, and a band came on and was playing.
[178] It was one of those early, like, screamo bands.
[179] Yep.
[180] And you just leaned over to me, and you went, I hate wisdom rock.
[181] And that is the category that I assigned.
[182] There are certain bands that just had the whole.
[183] Take my hand on that kind of wisdom rock.
[184] And it's always insulting because it's wisdom rock from 22 -year -olds.
[185] Yes.
[186] Like people who've not had any wisdom.
[187] But they have come down from the mountain to tell you that and power chords and also that way of singing that sounds like a donkey is preaching.
[188] Yes.
[189] And it was always just like, I'm going to tell you about a land.
[190] I'm going to take you by the hand and I'll lift you to a higher place.
[191] Right.
[192] Exactly.
[193] Come on, you're 22.
[194] Two.
[195] Yeah, two years from now, you'll be working at a hardware store, asshole.
[196] And you're giving us this key to the future.
[197] Let me tell you how to live.
[198] No, you don't need to tell me. Now he's, Let me tell you how to mix up that paint.
[199] I put it in this machine.
[200] And then it's going to vibrate real first.
[201] Take my hand and give me that coupon for the L nuts this week.
[202] It really was, but that became such a genre for me in my mind.
[203] You know what's so funny is I, the other thing I was remembering just now, as you said it, was there was a different, there was other kind of bands that would come on.
[204] And I'm young, I'm 31, 32.
[205] Some of these bands are very intimidating.
[206] Oh, yeah.
[207] And they're wearing tatters, like tattered leather.
[208] Yeah.
[209] And they've put makeup on that looks like their eyes are bleeding.
[210] and it's just incredibly intense and this song is them, you know, screaming and hey, hey, die, die, hate, hey, die, die.
[211] And I would go over afterwards and, of course, I'm dressed like an insurance salesman.
[212] And I would go, and you can see it.
[213] And I'm like 31, 32, you'd be like, oh, well, you know, murder mayhem.
[214] We'll take a break.
[215] We'll be right back.
[216] And in the commercial break, Max Weinberg and the seven would start to play.
[217] Da -dan -dan -dan -da -dan -dan -d -d -d -d -d -d -d -and.
[218] And inevitably the guy would take off his skull mask and he'd say, lean over, and they were invariably from the Midwest and he'd say, I just want to say, thank you so much for having a song.
[219] It's really an honor and such a pleasure and so nice to finally meet you.
[220] And I'd be like, oh, you know, and it turns out like, yeah, this is their act.
[221] This is show business and they're lovely fellows.
[222] Yeah, as Blaine Capatch has a great line about, I don't know if you know who Gigi Allen was.
[223] Gigi Allen was this extreme punk rocker.
[224] He would perform naked.
[225] He would defecate on stage.
[226] He would throw his poo at the audience.
[227] It was all in the early nights.
[228] And Blaine Cabatchez is my impression of Gigi Allen before a show.
[229] When I shit in my hand, I've got five.
[230] I'm coming right on.
[231] Be ready.
[232] Be ready with my towels.
[233] But yeah, it's all, it is eventually like, Dolly Parton and the guys from Slipknot could get together and go, oh, yeah, the acoustics and the rhyming are crazy.
[234] We were trying to get.
[235] Oh, I know exactly.
[236] They have all that weird stuff I love.
[237] I love that it's show business because it doesn't matter.
[238] Slipknot is another one of those bands where I went out there.
[239] I think they, I could be wrong, but I think their first TV appearance was on our show.
[240] And I remember it culminated with.
[241] It was, and I'll tell you, remember that in a second.
[242] Go ahead.
[243] It culminated with the drummer using his head to like bang drums.
[244] that were on either side of his head.
[245] I mean, it was just absolutely madness.
[246] Like an animal from the Muppets.
[247] Yes.
[248] And so I went over and they're fully en -mast and just madness.
[249] And I remember coming over and saying, Slip -Nod, and they all gave me a group hug.
[250] I swear to God, no one had showered in a year.
[251] And they'd been sweating.
[252] And so I remembered powerful smell.
[253] And all these guys wearing skulls hugging me. And then a minute, da -an -dan -dan -da -da -da -da -d -d -d -d -d - Hey, Conan, thank you so much.
[254] I mean, lovely guys.
[255] Thank you so much.
[256] And then the guy who, like, you know, with his, who hit his head against two drums, saying, no, I, I'm thinking maybe of, I might try to teach.
[257] I might try linguistics.
[258] But it was just, I always love that part.
[259] I always love where people are flipping identities.
[260] Oh, I love that.
[261] Well, okay.
[262] So when Slipknot was, Slipknot was first on your show, that was her for, and I know this because Brian Possein called me and said, hey, can you, I had one of the first TiVos for some reason.
[263] This is in the infancy of TiVo.
[264] He goes, could you please record Conan because I have to work late?
[265] And I don't know how to program my VCR and I don't want him to slip knot.
[266] And I go, yeah, he goes, I'll come over tomorrow.
[267] I want to watch Slipknot because he was a huge Slipknot fan.
[268] So I recorded the whole episode.
[269] I mean, I recorded all the episodes.
[270] I would just watch them all.
[271] And on that episode, you had, it was John Glazer and Brian and, oh, God, I'm blanking on his name.
[272] But they came out as the Slip Nuts.
[273] Yes.
[274] You're like, we double booked.
[275] We weren't thinking it through.
[276] Might have been Andy Blitz.
[277] And it was Andy Blitz, Brian Stack.
[278] Stack and John Glazer were the slip nuts.
[279] And it was a thing where there were these vaudevillian guys that would come out.
[280] It was so clanky.
[281] And the whole idea was it was supposed to be just the worst idea ever.
[282] They were like, we're the slip nuts.
[283] And their whole thing was.
[284] They had one joke.
[285] They had one joke, which is we put nuts on the floor and we slip on those nuts.
[286] Does it go?
[287] We're the slip nuts, slip and non -nuts.
[288] and then clowning around and slipping on nuts we're the slip nuts slipping on nuts oops he fell down and then John goes I slipped on some nuts they repeat the joke like eight times it's maddening so anyway Brian comes over to my apartment intentionally maddening intentionally maddening so Brian comes over my apartment and I had the whole short so I chewed it up to where the slip nuts come on and I go hey I recorded the slip nuts last night and he's like slip knot dude but like like i'm mispronouncing it i'm like i was well i mean i watched the whole show it's uh slip nuts it's like slip not i go well this is what i recorded dude and i they came out and he just like stood there like in silence for a second like what i'm like dude it's a sketch this like he got so pissed off at me because he didn't know that that's what you guys done this is this is this makes me so happy and blay you're going to remember what this is i hope but what we did once is a prank is we had slip nuts come on a couple of times and it was just infuriate.
[289] I think, you know, obviously some people in the crowd got what we were doing, which was being intentionally stupid.
[290] But it was so irritating.
[291] And then one of my favorite things ever is we sent Slip Nuts to an actual heavy metal concert.
[292] Have you seen this play?
[293] One of the best pieces of footage I've ever seen it.
[294] So which one was it?
[295] I think I was just about to look that up.
[296] It might have been a Slipknot's concert.
[297] They might have opened for Slipknot.
[298] No, no. They open for...
[299] I've seen this sketch.
[300] They've opened for Slipknot.
[301] But you did this whole story where they have all the slip notes have broken up one of them joined an ashrum the other one like they did like this beat now they're back together and they've like were and they just still do the same act but they're basically the backstage guy is like you better get off as quick as you can like they're going to be and i don't know someone got a great shot ladies gentlemen slap nuts but they the crowd just like slip nut yeah so they're all going crazy and then the slip nuts come out and they got a shot dress just as vaudeau Vodvillians with bags of peanuts.
[302] And they get this moment where the crowd is like, yeah.
[303] And then every arm just goes down and you see the anger.
[304] And it's one of the most hilarious pieces of footage.
[305] And they do like, the slip nuts, slip, but not.
[306] And they do that in front of the crowd and they commit to it.
[307] And then I felt down something else.
[308] And the guy backstage said, you better get the fuck out of here.
[309] They're going to kill you.
[310] Yeah, like not, don't just leave the stage.
[311] Get out of the venue.
[312] You're dead.
[313] It was amazing.
[314] And from what I heard talking to John Glazer, Slipknot loved the, well, they loved the slipnuts on the show.
[315] They thought it was great.
[316] And they're like, they have to open for us.
[317] I was like, okay, they're going to get killed.
[318] It doesn't, it doesn't always.
[319] It was viral before viral.
[320] Right.
[321] It really was.
[322] Right.
[323] You had to.
[324] Well, you know, it's funny because I remember you had this great bit you did on the show once where you talked about TiVo and was when TiVo was fairly new.
[325] First came out.
[326] And it was a line that I just loved.
[327] you'll obviously remember the bit much better than I can but it was the problem with TiVo is that sometimes it would try to anticipate what you wanted based on what you've been watching and oh boy yeah and it was Tivo grabbing things that you didn't want and sometimes it's embarrassing and you just went oh Tivo no oh no little kid picking up a gun no Tivo no Tivo no Tivo yeah it was yeah because you you would get, I had a TiVo and I recorded a couple of westerns and I woke up the next day and there were 30 shows on my TiVo and I realized, oh no, they all have horses in him.
[328] He thought, well, he, you like horses.
[329] TiVo is he.
[330] Tivo is a he.
[331] Tivo!
[332] No. But you like horses!
[333] Like he was so angry.
[334] It's so weird how that's the infancy of AI and now if I walk into, like if my phone's in my pocket and I walk somewhere and then I go home and use my computer.
[335] There are ads for the places I visited that day that are, like now it's, it's just second nature.
[336] Okay, so this is something we should really, I mean, you've such a agile mind and I'm thinking, oh, wait, Patton's going to know, he's going to understand because in my thinking, AI has been in the conversation like 35 or 36th on the list of things that we need to be worried about.
[337] And then in the last three months, it went right to the top of the list.
[338] And now it's all anybody's talking about.
[339] because it's I mean it's chat well because it's all these people that again like anything I forget who said this but any new invention has practical use accidental harm and then premeditated harm so like an axe you can cut wood with it to build a fire and warm yourself you can also drop it and cut your foot off or you can murder someone with it but when the axe first showed up you're like this is great what a great tool and then it takes a while for people to then run the other scenario so I'm sure that AI was looked at as Wow, what a cool thing.
[340] And it's a learning computer.
[341] And now they're just starting to realize the accidental part of it and then the malevolent part of it.
[342] But here's the other thing, which needs to enhance the analogy, because the one way it doesn't hold is an axe doesn't get smarter.
[343] Right.
[344] This is.
[345] So in the time that you and I are talking about AI, it's listening to us talking.
[346] Exactly.
[347] And it's anticipating things.
[348] And it's growing.
[349] And you think, are we?
[350] Sometimes I think, am I like three months?
[351] months away from there being a really accurate porno that I'm in.
[352] And I'm only saying this because I did some porno and I'm trying to cover my tracks.
[353] You're trying to put a seed that it's a deep fake.
[354] Well, it's a total deep fake.
[355] I mentioned it on my podcast with Patton.
[356] Okay, well, okay, here's something that's going to be really weird.
[357] Because I listen to a lot of podcasts and there have been some podcasts where they warn about AI and they've had experts on.
[358] So in a year from now, we'll suddenly certain podcasts, that have been warning about AI suddenly be gone or, like, if that starts happening, then, yeah, these guys were right.
[359] That's that Rokos Basilisk thing that talks about.
[360] If you are anywhere on record at any time in human history against AI, there will be a culling and that, like, singularity in Skynet and all that.
[361] Well, you know, what's interesting is that in the old, but in the old, I'm not saying that I believe that.
[362] No, no, but in the old science fiction, it was the computer actually comes to life.
[363] Yeah.
[364] And, you know, it, a Macintosh comes through the wall and starts.
[365] punching you with its buttons.
[366] You're like, okay, that's stupid.
[367] Right.
[368] But the idea that it would just create confusion was something, was something that I never anticipated, which is suddenly, you know, because think of all the thousands of hours of footage.
[369] There are of you, Patton, and then it can, it can know your voice.
[370] It can create different images.
[371] And suddenly, hey, there's footage here of Patton committing this horrible crime.
[372] Let's get him.
[373] Yeah, there's all these weird.
[374] And also, it could be what I'm.
[375] I'm worried about is a computer or an AI that does something that it thinks is being benign.
[376] In other words, if you, let's say you were to task it to solve world hunger and in a benign way, it would go, well, one way to solve world hunger is to get rid of this chunk of the population and then other people will have enough to eat.
[377] And thinking, what a good job I'm doing right now.
[378] Like, thinking it's running its own programming.
[379] Right.
[380] The one scary thing I've heard, and it was a guy trying to reassure me, this is how in the weeds we are.
[381] I was talking to a guy that that works with AI and does computer systems like the ones that regulate the water and the power grid.
[382] And I said, well, you know, I read this review of a, there's a book by Ted Koppel called Blackout about what happens when the grid goes down, what skills you're going to need.
[383] And it just, I'm worried because I don't really have any practical skills.
[384] And then he said, to reassure me, he goes, oh, we're way past the point of being able to shut the grid down.
[385] It is self -reparing enough that you could only ever shut down a very tiny part of it.
[386] There are backups for backups, some of which it can now build itself.
[387] It can't ever be totally unplugged.
[388] This whole scenario about what happens when the grid goes down.
[389] Grid can't go down anymore.
[390] Not totally.
[391] I mean, part of it can, but not totally.
[392] Because it can self -repair.
[393] Again, not reassuring at all.
[394] Yeah.
[395] And also, we don't need a computer to become fully intelligent and sentient to do damage.
[396] If only partial, in fact, it's even more dangerous if it has the intelligence of a five or six -year -old but is wired in to our nuclear arsenals, to our power grid, to the grid that's supplying hospitals or whatever, if it has that mentality, we could be in a lot of trouble.
[397] Are we going to be looking back on these conversations about AI, the way you can look back at on my show and in the media in 1999, we were all talking about when it flips over to the year 2000, the coding, you know, so, remember it.
[398] Everyone was saying ATMs won't work.
[399] Everything's going to crash.
[400] Right.
[401] And there's this essential bug in the way they coded it because no one ever anticipated the internet.
[402] They never thought about this problem that the years are going to change from 1999 to 2000.
[403] Exactly.
[404] And so now we all find that quaint.
[405] Can you believe we were worried about that?
[406] It was so, yeah, like those were our worries.
[407] Well, the numbers can't switch over.
[408] Now it's like we're beyond the numbers.
[409] It's how fast is this thing learning?
[410] And again, everything that we're making fun of now when writers make fun of chat GPT and look how bad this writing is, it's in its infancy right now.
[411] It's in its infancy and it's growing exponentially.
[412] We will get to a point where we won't be able to distinguish anymore.
[413] And that's going to be terrifying.
[414] So I'm thinking that if it knows the tone of my voice and And there's lots of lots and lots and lots of footage of my voice, Gorley's voice, Sona's voice, your voice.
[415] Yeah.
[416] Maybe there's an upside where it just keeps coming out with new episodes that you don't have to do.
[417] But we still get a little paycheck, but we're not doing it.
[418] Or do you get a paycheck and Matt and I just don't get a paycheck?
[419] You get a paycheck.
[420] It doesn't look anything like my paycheck.
[421] Or chat, GPT, AI, if you're listening, do Sona and I get a paycheck?
[422] Maybe Conan doesn't.
[423] Because he seems very deaf about AI where we.
[424] We're all in on you.
[425] I just suggested, hey, AI, I just suggested that you could regularly take over this podcast.
[426] And so I just gave you your big break and show business, pal.
[427] Wait a minute.
[428] Hang on.
[429] Let's think about this the way an AI would think of it, though.
[430] What's the essential component?
[431] Is it the people programming the MacBook?
[432] Or is it like the MacBook itself is shining and people want to buy it.
[433] But it's nothing without the programmers.
[434] So would it look at on -air talent as, well, that's just the frame.
[435] It doesn't matter what that is.
[436] And if anything, it'll just create some.
[437] You've seen all the pictures of just all these random people.
[438] And it's like these were all created on a computer.
[439] And they just look like random photos of people out in the world.
[440] They don't look weird.
[441] Yeah, a new max headroom.
[442] As long as it kept my hairstyle, I'd be fine with that.
[443] That's kind of max headroomy.
[444] You kind of anticipated it.
[445] I did.
[446] I did look into it.
[447] I've already had people sending me. There's one Conan O 'Brien.
[448] eats fried chicken and then crashes in a car and it's like this kind of Frankenstein monster version of me right now it is yeah it is but like they can it's going to get to the point where they can go Conan O 'Brien side stage at Baruch assault 1995 and it will look like an archival perfect footage of you just standing watching like it'll be able to create that right and he was at that show here's a photo later and look some of the some of the deep fakes like I've seen on Instagram people that put like Arnold Schwarzenegger's face on people and some of them are kind of goofy and there's one it was um the animals singing house of the rising sun they put his face on that broadcast in the 60s and i could not it looked like a young arnold singing house of the rising sun for all i could tell there was no seams nothing for every 10 janky ones there's one where you're like oh that'll be the one they build on to get to the next level of realism well then you start really scary i mean i've seen already some photos that are complete AI and you think why would someone hire a supermodel again Exactly.
[449] They're stunning.
[450] These photos that they put out are absolutely stunning.
[451] And this almost makes me happy that I didn't become a supermodel.
[452] That I took the left path, not the right path.
[453] I thought you chose not to be a supermodel.
[454] I chose.
[455] Okay.
[456] But I, but I, but why?
[457] Although, okay, here's here's a thing though.
[458] Last night, I got to go to the premiere of, um, Spider -Man into the Spider -Verse.
[459] Oh, yeah, I have that kind of pull.
[460] So, um, and Spider -Man in the Spider -Bers is so over -the -top cartoony that it actually is, it connects even more emotionally, whereas a lot of motion capture and a lot of making it look very human, for some reason you don't link to it, but because these are humans creating through art, the way that humans act and talk to each other, it was weirdly, there were scenes where I was almost crying, but it's so emotional, even though these are very stylized cartoons, but they actually connect.
[461] So maybe there will always need to be some kind of human element behind it.
[462] However, that also mean there doesn't need to be that many humans behind it.
[463] There won't be that many jobs left.
[464] And they can just harvest our brains and jars anyway.
[465] So we're fucked.
[466] I'm a lot more optimistic.
[467] I don't know.
[468] I just don't think they could, I don't think, I don't know, maybe I'm being just naive, but I just don't think machines can get like human nuance the way humans can.
[469] Like, a machine's never going to write succession.
[470] It's never going to write friends.
[471] or the office, no. Don't even think there'll be a merger at some point, though, and that's just evolution happening with a natural force that then is the next step.
[472] But even the people that are saying, well, what if chat GPT is just there to supplement your writing?
[473] Like, if you can't think of a good transition, chat, GBT will spit out 20.
[474] But it's like, I still want the humanity of, like, there are scenes in jaws.
[475] They don't quite end right.
[476] It's still a brilliant movie because it's Stephen Spielberg, and it's a young guy making a movie, and you feel it happening.
[477] Yeah.
[478] And you're drawn in.
[479] And if he had had like, well, maybe transition this way, here's five other options.
[480] Like, it wouldn't be the movie that it is.
[481] Well, I think this is something that I think can lead us back into our various crafts, which is, I mean, back into hope.
[482] Which is, as you know, I heard you talk about this once before and we haven't had a chance to talk about it, but how great limits are.
[483] Yeah, that's why, I mean, again, I think a lot of, a lot of, uh, You should be able to say absolutely anything you want.
[484] No, no, no. Have some restrictions there so you can find clever ways around them because then that makes what you're doing more shocking.
[485] If there's no limits, then nothing's shocking and nothing startling.
[486] But when you know that there are certain things, how do you get around that?
[487] Yeah, you're right.
[488] And same with music.
[489] And same with movie.
[490] Like, if you're shooting a movie, but you can just do it all on a computer and you can create any landscape that you want, then there doesn't have, it's not that urgency of like, we've got a day on this location.
[491] And this actor's having a nervous breakdown, and there's a cloud over the sun.
[492] How do we make this work?
[493] What do we do?
[494] And so many great memorable moments of movies came because stuff wasn't working.
[495] Well, it's like it's the classic thing you said in Jaws.
[496] You mentioned Jaws and the shark, Bruce, wasn't working correctly.
[497] So you don't see the shark nearly as much as they wanted you to see it for a lot of the movie.
[498] That turns out to be brilliant.
[499] It's what makes the movie.
[500] It's terrifying because you don't really get a good look at this thing.
[501] Yeah.
[502] And it's, to this day, when I watch that movie, it's electrifying.
[503] Yeah.
[504] But had greater technology been around or more money, it would have ruined it.
[505] It would have ruined the movie.
[506] That's why the first evil dead movie, I read this interview with Sam Ramey, was like, we want this evil force to be floating through the wood.
[507] And you see it from the evil force's point of view.
[508] And he goes, here's our process to get that effect.
[509] How would you do that?
[510] Well, you build an anti -gravity disk.
[511] Well, there aren't any anti -gravity disk.
[512] What's the next thing we can do?
[513] We could get a huge board and fasten the camera to the middle of the board so it wobbles a little bit.
[514] It was right.
[515] Let's do that.
[516] So they're literally running through the woods with this wobbly board and it created this weird look that you'd never seen on camera before.
[517] And it was teenagers out in the Midwest with their wobbly piece of wood basically creating a new thing in cinema that's now used all the time, but it was so, it's so eerie watching that first film because it's so handmade that it actually feels real.
[518] But that's why I agree with you, Sona.
[519] hope because I do think that human creativity is this crazy unyielding force.
[520] People just have to...
[521] Now, there are a lot of things that I would worry about but I'm not that worried about me being in a porno.
[522] I am really worried about me being in a porno.
[523] I think we all are.
[524] I'm worried for this whole room.
[525] We're very worried about that.
[526] I'm worried.
[527] Very very worried.
[528] Yeah, yeah.
[529] It's going to be a cross between me and John Tesh.
[530] Just really going at it.
[531] But I sometimes encounter people on the street that are saying they'll recognize me and they'll say don't you hate today everything's so peacey you can't say anything and I'll think no you can if you're clever you can get away with anything but also you just limits limits are healthy and they're part of life gravity is acting on us all the time yeah man why do we got to be held down because we'd float into space and die you should be happy that's there you're talking about and by the way get ready for there are there are going to be periods where AI will become this weird flavor the week someone will do something cool on AI that people will run to catch up with I always someone should do it either a documentary or write a book about um after Jurassic before the matrix after Jurassic Parks Park parks after Jurassic Park came out every movie suddenly was like got to have CGI that's what people want to see they want CGI they didn't realize it no Jurassic Park still tells a compelling story And there's great filmmaking.
[532] They weren't just going to see CIA.
[533] So you saw, it was like a decade of terrible CGI in films.
[534] Godzilla, Dragonheart, Air Force One, Escape from L .A. Where they were just putting in CGI, almost as if that was a star of the movie.
[535] And you'll see this CGI.
[536] And then it wasn't until the Matrix came along that then someone took it and took it to the next level.
[537] So in other words, and now there's a weird rebellion against a lot of CG.
[538] A lot of filmmakers are trying to do practical effects.
[539] And filmmakers want, I mean, I think it's one of the reasons that the Top Gun movie was so huge in why Tom Cruise still has this massive career because he's willing to go out and kind of almost kill himself in every film.
[540] Yeah.
[541] There's not CGI trickery going on.
[542] It's like, that dude almost died.
[543] I, okay.
[544] So I'd pay to see that.
[545] But there will always be that pushback of, because I think any kind of new technology also creates that sense of like, well, there's nothing at stake here, you know.
[546] When I watch Escape from L .A., and Snake Pliskin is surfing alongside Peter Fonda, and it's clearly a computer -generated way.
[547] It's like, no one's risking their lives, making this.
[548] This isn't exciting.
[549] They're risking their careers.
[550] That is true.
[551] You know, credibility is the only thing risks.
[552] But yeah, like, and then you see, you know, there's always pushback.
[553] And then the same thing will happen with comedy.
[554] Someone told me that in the new Oppenheimer film that he didn't want to use, the director didn't want to use any CGI to create, what we all know is the explosion of the first atomic bomb so instead use like hundreds of thousands of sticks of dynamite and you think okay I actually it would have been it would have been I mean I haven't seen it yet I don't know what it looks like but there was a commitment to no this really has to look this has to look real in some way although by the way I think 7 ,000 people were killed in making that movie I'll go see that yeah I'll see that um sometimes now the cost of CGI at the level that movies like that want to do it at it's actually prohibitive cost -wise and it's cheaper to do the real effect.
[555] In Tenet, when that plane crashes into the airport, that was going to be done CGI and it's all done with a real plane and real explosives because it was cheaper to shoot the real thing.
[556] A CGI thing would have cost way too much money and it was quicker to do it that way because they're just, we set up our cameras and we got to shoot this.
[557] We got to get this in this take.
[558] Whereas with C .J. It would have taken an extra six months and all this extra money and all these extra crew people.
[559] And he's like, let's just shoot the thing.
[560] I love the image of the CGI's guys going, well, and here's what it's going to cost.
[561] And good luck.
[562] Wait, you did what?
[563] We just bought a 747 and we packed it with explosives and we hired a guy to kill himself and drive it into an airport.
[564] We set up a bunch of cameras and crossed our fingers.
[565] I mean, that's, by the way, I love, I do love watching old.
[566] I mean, I'm a big, I have the Criterion Channel and Turner Classic movies because I'm a film geek and I also love watching.
[567] old movies, especially old stunts, even like movies in the 70s where you're like, someone almost died.
[568] And stunt work back then was okay, here we go.
[569] Hope no one dies.
[570] A car chase in Bullet is one of those things where you're watching it and you think, I think someone did lose their life in the making of that.
[571] But it's one thing to have a chase like that in Bullet, which was a major studio movie.
[572] I'm talking even the B -level drive -in movies.
[573] People were almost dying.
[574] There's a Joe Don Baker movie called Framed, and there is a stunt where a train hits a car and a guy has to jump out of the car before the train hits it.
[575] And it is, when you see it, you'll know it.
[576] It's that that dude almost died.
[577] Like he barely gets out of the car.
[578] Clearly something's going wrong.
[579] And then as he's jumping, the car explodes and the fireball kind of engulfs him for a second and then he gets out of it.
[580] And they just left it on film.
[581] And that was that was stunt spec that.
[582] Well, hope we don't die.
[583] And before the stunt, when the car makes it right, in the background, you can see the entire crew is all sitting on bleachers because they want to watch this.
[584] Like, this guy's about to die.
[585] This is going to be great.
[586] Like, they just shot this movie.
[587] So, yes, for Bullitt, you're like, this is a major movie.
[588] Steve and Queen Dude Star, of course.
[589] But this is like Joe Don Baker.
[590] We're shooting this in two weeks down in North Carolina.
[591] So they told a guy, you're going to, you're going to get stalled in front of a train.
[592] your job is just to get out before the train hits.
[593] But really wait to the last second if you can.
[594] And we're just going to run a friggin train at this look up Joe Don Baker frame and it says like the most dangerous stunt you've ever seen and by also even in comedy you ever see used cars Robert Zemeckis's used cars there's a scene there's a dude like walking across a road and this car is zooming up and barely misses him and it's done as a joke because the actor's doing this just walking around drunk but he's just improvving it if he had gone the wrong way the car would have killed him it's in the middle of a comedy you're like oh god that guy almost died do you remember there was a film with Lee Horstley called Sword and the Sorcerer and the bad guy does a high fall off a cliff and he died but they left it in the film they left it in and he's his death fall is in the movie because that's what he signed up for and in that culture back then it was like that's how I want to go leave that in That's how I'd want to die.
[595] It's nuts.
[596] Maybe afterwards.
[597] If they were alive for eight seconds, they were like, Don't leave that in!
[598] Their teeth are coming through their chest cavity.
[599] Take that.
[600] Okay.
[601] This is fantastic.
[602] Okay, here we go.
[603] I love this.
[604] Visual bit on a podcast, but you can look this up.
[605] That's all right.
[606] Some of this is on video.
[607] Look at out, fuckers.
[608] Oh, I'm so happy right now.
[609] Joe Don.
[610] Look at them.
[611] These guys both auditioned to be Duke boys.
[612] Oh, my God.
[613] Oh, my God.
[614] What in the hell?
[615] He catches fire.
[616] His leg catches fire.
[617] Don't you get the sense that he also slows his role so he can be a little closer?
[618] Yes.
[619] God.
[620] That was fantastic.
[621] I mean, and again, by the way, yeah, you can see, at one point, you can see the crew is all lined up in the background watching this.
[622] But, like, oh.
[623] Oh, he's fine.
[624] You know what that guy got?
[625] $100.
[626] Yeah, he got $100.
[627] Yeah, and maybe they comped his room.
[628] Wow.
[629] Yeah, but like you watch a lot of Australian action films from the 80s, especially like the Road Warrior.
[630] There are stunts in that movie that at the time they were saying, oh, no, it was all in the editing because they were right trying to work in Hollywood.
[631] But then there's a documentary about the making of, and there's people just getting racked up on that movie.
[632] Oh, the Philippines stuff.
[633] Oh, my Lord.
[634] Yeah, people would do anything.
[635] The biggest thing I know.
[636] notice is editing.
[637] Movies, particularly, and TV shows are edited so tightly that there's hardly any air.
[638] And I find it fascinating to go back and look at a show like a late 70s massive hit show like, say, a chips or something like that.
[639] And literally a guy will drive up, my job is to drive up in a car and meet with you in a parking lot.
[640] And so I drive up in a car and it's supposed to be a tense scene and I'm here to talk to Pat and Oswald and tell him to back off my territory or I'll kill him.
[641] I pull up and I get out of my car, I unhook the belt, get out of my car, shut the door, and then start walking.
[642] And I part like 15 feet, 20 feet from you and they show me walking all the way over to you.
[643] And you know, you look at how today the editing is so take another frame out, take another frame out.
[644] And what we're seeing, everything is so hyper -compressed that I know that when I watched late night with David Letterman's that I had been watching and, you know, adoring in the 80s.
[645] When I went back and looked at them later on, I was like, huh, it's slower than I remember.
[646] Yep.
[647] And it's quieter than I remembered.
[648] And there's more, like, it's not this explosion of fireworks.
[649] And I know that, okay, things, the pace ramped up.
[650] If you look at the arc on our show, I know the pace ramped up.
[651] But I bet you people are going to go back later and say, this feels slow to me. This slip -nuts bit, you know?
[652] And I remember us thinking, like, this is so much faster than what anyone used to do, but I think we've hyper -compressed everything.
[653] We think that interesting equal spectacle, whereas interesting can be two people just having this really cool conversation that doesn't necessarily pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
[654] No, just let two people actually have this weird, interesting conversation.
[655] But no one has time for that anymore because you can watch all of your, you know, all of YouTube is 20 craziest moments like there's no lead up anymore it's just all don't you want just the marshmallow things from Lucky Charms you can have them all now you don't need all the serial bit like they we all and so we've lost those moments of sometimes the reason that the best of clips are such huge laughs is because they came after a long time of silence and then there was that explosion but all they want now is the explosion yeah and it's like wait there's I was doing punch up on a movie I'm not going to say which one because it was terrible.
[656] But the director showed me and the punchup writers.
[657] They showed, he showed me the last shot.
[658] Remember that scene from bringing up baby where she goes up and he's doing the dinosaur skeleton and then he catches her.
[659] She slips and instead of trying to save the skeleton, he saves her, he saves her, but the whole skeleton collapses.
[660] And it's just beautiful.
[661] It's an amazing shot and it's really startling.
[662] And he's like, Carrie Grant and Catherine Hepburn.
[663] And he's like, I want every shot of my movie to have this.
[664] Boom, boom, boom.
[665] And I was like, well, the reason that shot is so memorable and is so effective because it comes after just bantering and do these people hate each other, do they not?
[666] But oh, he decides to save her and it, yes, it's a great vision, but if you do every shot like that, it won't be special and he was just like, no, every shot, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
[667] Yeah.
[668] And the movie was horrible.
[669] It was comedy and it just didn't work because he wanted it to all be that scene.
[670] I was like, dude, let's see a major Hollywood film comedy that didn't work.
[671] Wait, that really narrows it down.
[672] Yeah, it's, uh, you'll be able to put together you'll think you'll be able to suss that one out was it Joe Don Baker in the frame now I was okay by the way speaking of stunts in the 70s I did Brooke Shields's podcast can I talk about other podcasts yeah of course okay as long as it's not brook shields she and I have major beef I'm the only one with major beef Conan was up for the role in Blue Lagoon yeah no dude I'm sorry that's all right um well I go you know you got to do some of the really gnarly 70s movie making and in King of the Gypsies, you're in a car and the car crashes.
[673] And she goes, oh my God, you remember that?
[674] I go, yeah, because it just, if I'm not mistaken, it's just a dude is sitting in the backseat filming and you and Eric are in this car and it just gets T -bone.
[675] She goes, yeah, that's pretty much what it was.
[676] The director was in the backseat and our car gets T -bone.
[677] And I go, what kind of stunt rigging did they do?
[678] And she goes, oh, right before we shot it, the stuntman came over to me and said, you should put your seatbelt on.
[679] It's like three in the morning in Central Park.
[680] Yeah.
[681] She's a teenager.
[682] Oh, yeah.
[683] Put your seat on.
[684] Okay.
[685] And then goes back to his seat.
[686] I'm a professional stunt coordinator.
[687] I got to make sure everyone's okay.
[688] I got to make sure the 16 -year -old's all right.
[689] It's not going to die in the scene.
[690] Now, I'm not saying we have to go back to risking people's lives, but I think that people will always hunger for actual human emotion.
[691] Again, Succession just, you know, was the biggest show, had no marquee stars in it, but it was amazing acting amazing writing word will get around about that yes people go you this you can't believe this show it starts off really slow but my god does it pay off and also i mean yes such great acting but good lord that writing the most masterful writing and so many lines so many quotable beautiful lines uh in succession and so many real lines we're like yeah that is the world right now as painful as this is to listen to that's the world now i i want to end up in this nice place, which is to say something, this work you've done, minor threats, which is in bookstores, and it's available nationwide.
[692] Yeah.
[693] Like, you have, I know that you have these passions for, for comics, and you get to do that, you get to be in that world, you get to make this stuff that you used to stand in line hoping to meet someone like you.
[694] Well, I used to, I stood in line for three hours to meet Neil Gaiman back in 1993.
[695] in San Francisco to get my season of mist's hardcover signed.
[696] And now I'm Matthew the Raven in The Sandman show on Netflix.
[697] That's insane.
[698] So that kind of, I always, I remember this quote from John.
[699] John Waters is a great person to pattern your life after because he's like, I work hard at my stuff so that I don't have to work with people I don't want to work with.
[700] And I can just do the stuff that I like.
[701] And it also gives me, because a lot of the stuff that I like to do is not going to make me any money.
[702] It's not going to increase my fame, but it's really interesting.
[703] um so doing minor threats no writing comics does not make you a lot of money but it's a blast it's so fun to do you write the script then you get the rough pencils then you get the inks and then you get the i mean the whole process to me i could do it all day and so i'm lucky enough that i worked hard enough as a stand -up and i go and do movies and i can go do comics and the comics that i put out now i go with companies like dark horse and where it's all creator owned i own it if something happens with it.
[704] It's mine.
[705] I'm not having to worry about, well, this company needs these things and these things and, you know, I have to do stuff.
[706] I don't want to do a one for me, one for them within a project I'm doing.
[707] I'm okay doing a one for me, one for them overall, but to split up your own project doing that, that's, that drives me, that would drive me crazy.
[708] Yeah.
[709] Like, I have this great story to tell, okay, but you got to put, we're, the, the Shazam movies coming out, so you got to put Shazam in there.
[710] Oh, it's a little.
[711] You know.
[712] So I never had to do that.
[713] Right.
[714] You don't have to compromise.
[715] I don't, I don't.
[716] Also, I'm just happy I'm not a car guy.
[717] I'm not a clothing guy.
[718] I don't care about.
[719] To me, a car, I don't see the outside of it.
[720] As long as it gets me where I'm going, I could care less what it is.
[721] So all that money, I don't put any money into that.
[722] I don't own a house that.
[723] George Carlin says, I don't own a house that I use to scare people with.
[724] I love that phrase.
[725] Nice little house I can live in.
[726] There's no crazy nut.
[727] I just keep it very small and very simple.
[728] And then you get to just enjoy everything you like.
[729] It's all you got to do.
[730] I don't have to go hang out with people.
[731] I don't want to hang out with.
[732] It's all people I love.
[733] Occasionally you have to do like a podcast to like sell the comic.
[734] And that's a slog.
[735] But otherwise it's a hang out with two assholes you don't want to see.
[736] What I'm saying?
[737] Hey, Patton, I could talk to you for 35 hours.
[738] I could honestly talk to you.
[739] Way too long.
[740] It is a, just, it's just a happening when you're here.
[741] It means a lot to me. We're so on that, remember you came, I was, I'm sorry that I'm saying this.
[742] We were in the Soho house.
[743] And you came up, you were bringing your wife and daughter to breakfast and I, and I had brought my daughter there because they had a kid's activity day.
[744] Yeah, yeah.
[745] But I was up at the bar at the Soho House and I was reading the second volume of the Lyndon Johnson biography.
[746] And you went, of course you're reading.
[747] You know, that's what celebrities do in there.
[748] down time.
[749] Yeah, light Sunday.
[750] They go to a bar and read Robert Carrow's.
[751] Yeah.
[752] Lazy Sunday reading.
[753] He's just reading Master of the Senate, which basically you can't fire an A -15 bullet through it.
[754] Exactly.
[755] Yeah, it's that thick.
[756] Yeah.
[757] They actually, there are many tanks now in the military that are just covered in Robert Carrow book.
[758] All right.
[759] Patton, go with God.
[760] Yes, always.
[761] Gorley, I want to address something that I feel badly about, which is your birthday.
[762] You turned 50 recently.
[763] Yeah.
[764] I thought of this idea for a gift and went looking for it and found it.
[765] And I threw my assistant, David Hopping.
[766] And man, that guy's a great assistant.
[767] Okay.
[768] Anyway.
[769] He was trained by a really great assistant.
[770] So it makes sense.
[771] Oh, really?
[772] Yeah.
[773] Who did you get to do that?
[774] So the point is, ordered this set of.
[775] something for you.
[776] Vintage.
[777] And I thought this is really cool.
[778] And time goes by.
[779] And I think it's going to get there in time for your birthday.
[780] And then it doesn't.
[781] Then there seems to be some kind of issue.
[782] And then David Hopping tells me today that there's like a postal service investigation going on about this thing that I ordered for you.
[783] So I don't know if that means these things are gone if they were stolen or what's happening.
[784] But the first thing David said to me today was there's a postal service investigation into trying to track these uh these this birthday gift down for you did you send me a bunch of severed hands again yes how did you know i don't need those anymore i'm good yeah mad i got you a gift too and then there was also an investigation and it just disappeared this is what i wanted to talk about oh my god my assistant got you a gift and i forgot i don't know where it went no i love that you have an assistant um sona this is what i'm this is why i'm bringing this up is that this sounds where is david hopping isn't he here somewhere see if you can find him i want him to verify this if you can this smacks of a lie that's the problem lie from david or someone else no from me oh yeah sounds like yeah you're definitely lying well no i'm not but it is in i mean first of all it's a stretch for someone of my stature to be getting you a gift so that's a stretch in the first place right who would think that would ever i would ever do that you know okay That's not something I would do.
[785] Okay, David's on his way.
[786] So I don't know.
[787] I just worry that, I worry that you don't believe me. And then Sona picks right up on that and says that it's a lie.
[788] And that's why I need David to come in here and straighten this out.
[789] I've just never heard of a post office investigation.
[790] It just sounds very cagey.
[791] And so, I mean, I think I could just say that I got him a gift and I got lost in the mail.
[792] Oopsy, Daisy.
[793] I know you didn't get me a gift.
[794] How do you know that he got you a gift?
[795] I don't.
[796] and I'm trying to figure out whether I believe him or not.
[797] Yeah, then how do you know I did it?
[798] Because now I'm starting, you know what?
[799] I'm starting to now doubt whether or not I got you.
[800] Oh, my God.
[801] I'm thinking it over and I'm thinking that maybe I didn't get you a gift.
[802] Oh, no. But I've been covering up for it so long that I now believe the lie.
[803] That's now.
[804] Well, give me a hint.
[805] What are these things?
[806] Give me a hint.
[807] You said they're plural.
[808] They're things?
[809] You know, maybe I should just tell you what I got you.
[810] I think I should tell you what I got you.
[811] I don't know.
[812] I'm going to tell you what I got.
[813] No, I'm going to tell you what I got you.
[814] I'm going to tell you what I got you.
[815] Come on, David.
[816] Can you get on, Mike, please?
[817] Yeah, that one.
[818] It also could be that David didn't order him.
[819] Or David kept them.
[820] So let me catch David, because I don't know if he's been listening.
[821] I'm apologizing to Gorley that his birthday present never came.
[822] And then you this morning, tell me what the news you gave me this morning.
[823] So there's an investigation.
[824] An investigation.
[825] Yes.
[826] UPS.
[827] UPS.
[828] I got an email and a voicemail about it.
[829] Really?
[830] This is the next big true crime.
[831] podcast.
[832] No, but listen, I think we should make this.
[833] People want to know about our lives.
[834] They're desperate to know more about us.
[835] Are they desperate?
[836] Oh, yeah.
[837] No, no, no. I think you're desperate to have them know more about you.
[838] No, no, no. I am like Aristotle Onassis and Sonas, Jackie Kennedy, and Matt Gurley's like Hubert Humphrey.
[839] They just want to know more about us.
[840] Okay.
[841] They want to know our lives.
[842] I'm going to tell Matt what I ordered.
[843] Oh, this is fun.
[844] Yeah.
[845] Got you.
[846] I don't get it.
[847] I don't think you.
[848] I don't think you.
[849] you're ever getting these, by the way.
[850] But I found online, with the help of David Hopping, we found online, I think they're from the 1950s.
[851] Something like that.
[852] And it's like, and it's these really cool vintage cocktail glasses that have like a copper top that makes that, uh, looks like a, like a palm tree, like a tropical.
[853] Oh, like a pineapple.
[854] Yeah.
[855] Yeah.
[856] Very cool looking.
[857] And I thought, oh, this would be so neat for you to have in your house.
[858] And then for summer smores, we could drink out of them but these are classic like you want to show the picture and i'm bringing it up now because i don't know where these things are u p i have no idea if he's not lying you better get your shit together well and deliver them to me what it might not have been uPS is i don't want to blame uPS because first of all that's a powerful big organization i don't want to advertise on this podcast right do they if they want to they better get me my goddamn glasses is that why you don't I thought, I don't, I'm very, I'm a supplicant to all major businesses.
[859] Okay.
[860] They don't even advertise.
[861] I just show respect to any large company or corporation, no matter what they do.
[862] I mean, they could be defense contractors.
[863] And I'm like, hey, man, more power to you.
[864] Keep making those landmines.
[865] I don't care.
[866] This episode is brought to you by.
[867] Blackwell.
[868] I will bow to them.
[869] Did David actually order the, David, you could, you could be honest.
[870] Are you lying?
[871] It's okay.
[872] I'm not lying.
[873] Here, I have, everyone, hold on.
[874] Oh, wow.
[875] I've never seen David snap like that.
[876] Bluster.
[877] I got this email.
[878] Hello, David.
[879] I hope you're having a nice day.
[880] I'm emailing in regards to your recent order of the mid -century pineapple cocktail jars.
[881] I'm sorry to hear that you have not received the piece.
[882] Our logistics team is currently working with the carrier to start an investigation to determine the whereabouts.
[883] This usually takes eight days to complete.
[884] Show me a picture.
[885] Hold on.
[886] I have to see a picture.
[887] I just want to hear your, this is showing.
[888] Hold on.
[889] That's not UPS.
[890] Yes.
[891] though, that's the person who sold it to you.
[892] The person who sold it to you is lying.
[893] They took your money and they're not giving it to you.
[894] And then they're going to blame you P .S. So not.
[895] I would do it.
[896] I would do that.
[897] The weird thing is that, like, I got a thing.
[898] We know you would do anything.
[899] I mean, I think if we were talking about, yeah, you know, I stole a car last night and I'm, and I took it for parts and now I'm going to chop it up, you'd be like, I'd do that.
[900] I'd do that.
[901] You're a terrible, terrible person.
[902] Here, buy my pineapple glasses.
[903] And then I'll ship you.
[904] Let me see us.
[905] Oof, they got lost.
[906] Did you steal my pineapple glasses?
[907] Zoom in.
[908] Here, can we, how do we get a good shot of these?
[909] How do we get a good shot of these?
[910] They're very cool looking.
[911] No, that's just, all you can see is the top there.
[912] Here, why don't you get, here, let me get closer.
[913] There you go.
[914] Oh, wow.
[915] Well, we can, I mean, aren't those cool?
[916] And we got you four.
[917] Oh, yeah.
[918] That would be amazing because the drinks I'm going to make for a chill chums are kind of tropical.
[919] Yes.
[920] I thought these would be perfect for you.
[921] And guess what?
[922] They're not cheap.
[923] This was a very nice gift.
[924] And I think an incredible gesture on my part, right, David?
[925] Yep.
[926] Thank you.
[927] Well, anyway.
[928] I appreciate you, but that's pending delivery.
[929] I'm going to say thank you with an asterisk until I'm sipping out of these boys.
[930] Yeah, you can't.
[931] You can't force Matt to thank you for a gift you haven't given him yet.
[932] You're guilty.
[933] I just showed you a photo.
[934] I showed you a photograph of a gift that I intended to give you before it went missing.
[935] So I think I get a big thank you.
[936] I will say.
[937] Thank you.
[938] That is very nice of you.
[939] Don't thank him yet, Matt.
[940] You can't thank him yet.
[941] Okay, I take it back.
[942] I've been told I have to rescind that, thank you.
[943] Yeah, you don't have them yet.
[944] You can't force him to thank you for a gift.
[945] Let me be clear about something.
[946] I'm going to do a favor, Sona.
[947] Sona in no way was impuging the shipping company or the company that sold us.
[948] These are these are companies.
[949] And as I said, I love all companies, whether they make liquid nitrogen or plutonium, whether they're job.
[950] to destroy the planet or not if the company it's a company that makes money i'm all for them yay companies yay companies oh my god is the slogan of Conan o 'brien i don't care what the body count is or the damage to the planet yay companies all right so um there we have it this is now a true crime podcast uh we have our crime which is the missing for mid -century pineapple cocktail glasses.
[951] This is a real mystery.
[952] We don't know what's going to happen.
[953] And we'll keep you posted.
[954] And this is, I mean, I think a nation is gripped by this, by this unsolved crime.
[955] Cereal season 12.
[956] Did you get me, did you get me a gift?
[957] Sona.
[958] Sorry.
[959] I got you a pineapple.
[960] The gift of employment.
[961] He just got you a bunch of pineapples.
[962] Yeah.
[963] I got you real pineapples.
[964] and they're rotting fast.
[965] All right.
[966] We'll keep you posted.
[967] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[968] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[969] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[970] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leowell and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[971] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[972] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[973] Take it away, Jimmy.
[974] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samp.
[975] Samples.
[976] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
[977] Additional production support by Mars Melnik.
[978] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[979] Got a question for Conan?
[980] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
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