#258 - Bryan Callen

[0] Hit it.

[1] I was just going to say, I think when you sing a Joe Rogan song, you've got to get down deep like this.

[2] I don't have the whole song, but I got certain verses.

[3] Hello, Joe Rogan, he is your friend.

[4] Joe Rogan, he is the man. Joel Rogan, he's got the best damn podcast in the land.

[5] He's got a thick, short neck, and a white face, and very expressive eyes.

[6] Very expressive eyes.

[7] He's going to shh, long on.

[8] arms and short legs and a high -tied ass and a barrel of snakes for a back, a pair of snakes for a back, not to mention the fact that his middle extremities would be more at home on a mule than a human being.

[9] He's Joe Rogan, he's your friend, Joe Rogan, he is the man, he's Joe Rogan, he's got the best damn podcast in the land.

[10] thank you very much I didn't know if I should help you end it or that's all I have it's all I have man it's emotional it's all I can't you guys maybe I'll add some more verses but that's all I've got for now how was Sean Berg I started singing that stupid song in the shower you sing that song I was like yeah I don't know why I was like I woke up morning I was like I'm bored and I was like Joe Rogel he is my friend the name was Joe Rogan and I started breaking down your body you might have like the worst sense of beat in rhythm ever oh dude i'm the terrible singer what i'm talking about i'm the worst i am the please somebody please put that to music so i can so i can just revel and play it on a loop in my car i would be a terrible musician why are you thinking about my body when you're by yourself that's crazy i was soaping myself yeah and i was touching myself i don't know makes me feel weird man i was just feeling i was feeling i wanted to be as thick and wide as you're not really happy about it he's thick and why i can't go north of south so i go east to west yeah you're thick I'm meant to be carrying bricks and pills Yeah, you were always Yeah, let's think about you Even back in the day You were always working out And you had just You had big hands Big hands long Your arms are long Legs are short Arms are long Well my legs aren't short My upper body's short Oh that's okay Yeah, my legs are actually My body's very weird You're actually your body It's built to bear down Carry rocks up hills Yeah It's Sicilian stone masons Yeah but I'm half Sicilian What happened to me?

[11] I'm built for dance You're built for rocks and I'm built for dance fucking annoys me I'm built to gesture and emote well that's one of the things I think I like about kettlebells I feel like I'm working hard I just put in a fucking hard kettlebell workout man it's like you're you know you're really going to war you're really fighting something it's not just like doing a bench I've never done a really hard kettlebell work What?

[12] Maybe you'll take me through one How dare you You're in my house Yeah maybe I'll take Before I feed you the grass fed steaks That I got We've got some grass fed steaks I'm too high right now We'll do it afterwards.

[13] A little too high to work out?

[14] It's the best time to work out.

[15] Is it?

[16] Fuck, yeah.

[17] I don't smoke enough weed.

[18] You don't smoke enough weed.

[19] That's the problem.

[20] You got to get comfortable with the waves.

[21] It's like if you don't know how to surf and you get on a board and the wave hits you, you're going to fall on your ass.

[22] Why?

[23] And you're like, I can't handle the wave.

[24] No, no, no. You just don't know how to handle the wave yet.

[25] You've got to learn how to ride the weed waves.

[26] That's the whole life.

[27] When someone's high all the time, they can just handle being high.

[28] They can handle being high talking to a cop.

[29] They can handle being high buying tickets at the movie theater.

[30] Yeah.

[31] They're used to the boat They're used to the waves, man They're used to that experience You lift weights when you're high You feel your muscles, man, you feel your tissue You do feel everything Way more intensive You feel it Everything pops, stretches better It feels great when you stretch high Stretching high is like one of the great pleasures Oh yeah, I do Jiu -Jitsu high all the time Whatever you gave me, I feel I have good energy right now Yeah, it's a setiva It's called sage Sativa Yeah, it's a sativa It's all positive and energetic it's not like I've never done stand up high like this yes you have we got you high once before I show that's true oh that's right you did great I did great that was fucking that's right that was at the ice house and I started talking about saving a baby that was trapped under a smart car you should get high before every show man for real yeah my fuck around lately on stage I've been I don't know if this ever happens to you but I'll get a like just a winkling of an idea and I just start following it on stage and sometimes it just starts forming itself.

[32] Other times you're like, where am I going with this?

[33] What are you doing this weekend?

[34] You got gigs?

[35] Yeah, I'm going to be in, actually, I'm glad you reminded me. I'll be in Vegas at the Paris.

[36] At the Paris, which is a great new room, and I'll be there Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

[37] Come out.

[38] That's Court, Court, McGowan's Place.

[39] Powerful Court.

[40] And it's great, and Court will be middling for me. And I can't wait, man. I had a great time in Schaumburg.

[41] Thanks to everybody at Schaumburg, and thanks to Joe Rogan, because a lot of people came out because they listened to this.

[42] It was amazing, man. I love, I love those crowds.

[43] I love that room.

[44] It's a great room.

[45] I love Chicago.

[46] They're so nice.

[47] Yeah, they're great.

[48] They're just polite people.

[49] They're better.

[50] They're better than us.

[51] I love the way he said that.

[52] You look down, they're better than us.

[53] They are better than us.

[54] They're real people.

[55] They have to deal with the winter.

[56] We're soft.

[57] We're soft around the belly.

[58] There's something that he said about having to deal with the winter.

[59] They say that the people in the north developed faster in technical.

[60] technologically because they had to get ready for the winner.

[61] Because the winter was something you had to develop a sense of time.

[62] You had to figure out how to harvest, store food, and all the things that come with that.

[63] And it required a higher level of technology and a higher level of sort of planning and in some ways discipline.

[64] The criminals are way smarter on the East Coast.

[65] Yeah, well, they're organized.

[66] It's called the mafia.

[67] Those aren't the smart ones.

[68] The Russians are the smart ones.

[69] The Russians are pretty good, too.

[70] No, yeah, the Russians and the Chinese keep their fucking mouth -clothes.

[71] The Italians start reality shows, like mob wives.

[72] You imagine if a Russian chick tried to start a mob wives show?

[73] They would kill that bitch.

[74] But these weak -ass guineas are letting these fucking dumb broads go on TV and spout all their nonsense, basically indicting them an entire life of crime.

[75] You know what you're getting into when you're entering this life?

[76] Oh, really?

[77] So you're admitting your husband's a fucking criminal on TV, you dumb cunt?

[78] Is that what you're doing?

[79] Is that what they, is that, that's what you're doing?

[80] If you are in a criminal empire, okay, if you're involved in something like that, you can't go on a reality show and just make light of it.

[81] Like, it's no big deal to be a fucking mob wife.

[82] Because I guarantee you there's some shit in that guy's past that he's denied.

[83] And then he would say, no, no, no, I'm not a lifetime criminal.

[84] And you got your wife on TV talking about you being a boyfriend.

[85] If you're a real mafia guy, your wife doesn't know a damn thing.

[86] No. They found the Chinese, the head of the Chinese triads, they said in New York.

[87] And you know what he'd been doing for 15 years?

[88] What?

[89] selling soda out of one of those push carts.

[90] Jesus Christ.

[91] Yeah, that was his cover.

[92] Jesus Christ.

[93] How about that?

[94] They're willing to take it to a level.

[95] Hey, dude, this soda's not fucking, it's warm.

[96] Give me a fucking, give me a cold soda.

[97] Let's go.

[98] He's ahead of a triad.

[99] Yeah, he was dealing with that every day.

[100] That's hilarious.

[101] Ran the triad.

[102] When they had that whole Goddy thing going on in New York, I remember going, what is going on?

[103] They can't arrest the mafia guy?

[104] Like this main mafia?

[105] The Teflon, the Teflon Don.

[106] Where is this?

[107] I remember thinking like, with...

[108] I met and spent a lot of time with his lawyer.

[109] really what's his name I can't remember's name now it's killing big Bruce Bruce Buffer no Bruce Buffer no counselor no no not counselor something like Cotter no what other Bruce Coutler maybe maybe anyway he looks like a big gorilla I thought he was in Italian guy was like no I'm Jewish I'm Jewish I don't believe in violence but I was a wrestler he was a wrestler and he never lost he said but he was a really great guy and oh what is his name what is his name we got to Google that okay but he's he was such a good guy and we had so much much fun and uh really was a good guy or bruce cutler or bruce i don't remember uh yeah he's a great guy he's got a great sense of humor um and uh and he was just talking about how defending somebody you know is that they're going to send you away for a thousand years i'm i'm going to defend you i'm going to do everything i can and and uh you know but he said that he said yeah bruce cutler he said about god he said he said i've i've uh i have defended some very formidable men and that is the one guy who really lived what he spoke what he said I was in there.

[110] I ever tell you the story about being in Little Italy in 91, let's call it, and it might even be, yeah, it was something like that.

[111] I think it was even 90.

[112] And it was early, and I was at, and he had a, I can't remember the name of his social club, but it was right near a restaurant called Cafe Sorrento.

[113] We used to go there.

[114] And right next door was the social club, oh, come on, what's called?

[115] Mulberry, something like that, and I never forget, and that's where Gotti and his boys used to hang out.

[116] You'd see these just rough -looking, dudes with earpieces and and they'd stay the car would pull up and stuff and I remember I was eating at the outdoor cafe was with this girl and I saw these two dudes and suits with open shirts raven night so ravenite social club and and cafe stranto was right next door and I remember seeing um these two just giant men walking out on their way clearly to do I could smell it I could see it clearly to do something bad clearly to do something like you know and I remember remember looking at how big and formidable they were and how they were basically professional knuckle breakers I thought to myself that that would put the fear of God in you that that's you better be ready for guys who were gonna you know yeah because the cops are gonna come and then they're gonna go and those guys are gonna wait they're gonna come back that's right they're gonna that's what their job is to get that done that's right that's right they go have a nice evening have good evening yeah and they come back and your whole place is burned down see you soon fuckface see your sincerity of mother for me right yeah It's a very scary thing to have organized crime, you know?

[117] Well, corporations and technology actually took a big bite out of organized crime.

[118] Couldn't shake down local businesses anymore because they weren't.

[119] They were all LSCs and things.

[120] It's interesting.

[121] The Ravenite Social Club is now a shoe store.

[122] Ah, wow.

[123] Yep.

[124] It's like shoes and purse.

[125] And the way they brought down, brought down God, you ever hear the story?

[126] The guy who used to run the Ravenite Social Club, managed it.

[127] He was the guy who took care of cleaning the tables and everything else.

[128] They sent a cop in there, this beautiful woman.

[129] She was a cop, and she banged him on the table.

[130] And as he was having, as he was banging on the table, she put a mic under the table.

[131] And that's how, and that, that is how she took one, she took one for the team.

[132] Oh my God, took some cock.

[133] Fucked this guy, took some cock.

[134] Bang, put it under there.

[135] What a trooper.

[136] Brought the whole thing down.

[137] What if she came?

[138] That's a good question.

[139] What if she was like so, like, turned on by the fucking scandal of all?

[140] She was a sexual patriot.

[141] Wow.

[142] And I appreciate that.

[143] Sexual patriot is a new distinction.

[144] I've never heard of a sexual patriot before oh by the way everybody thank you for making man thoughts with brian callan number nine yesterday thanks to the joe rogan podcast because i know a lot of you guys are just going over from here to there i mean that's kind of crazy people love you i started talking about the 10 minute podcast i started talking about my podcast the next day the next day it's like my my buddy was like you're number 13 dude on iTunes have you ever seen the youtube comments whenever we request people to go look at a video no no no It's hilarious.

[145] Like, whatever, like, I recommended, like, an Allman Brothers song the other day.

[146] And you go to the song now, and for the first three pages, it just says, like, powerful Joe Rogan, olive garden, butthole.

[147] Oh, that's awesome.

[148] Yeah, it's hilarious.

[149] Joe Rogan sent me. Yeah, it's ridiculous.

[150] What do you think is the, well, I mean, your podcast has become a bit of a phenomenon.

[151] And, you know, as long as I've known you, the one thing I know about you is that you've never, ever lied.

[152] You're just an authentic dude.

[153] And you for better or for worse, for better or for worse, you were always the guy.

[154] And when you were young, it was so inconvenient.

[155] Because if you didn't like somebody in that circle, you'd be like, I don't fucking like you.

[156] I don't like you.

[157] So there it is.

[158] I mean, it was basically that, or they figured out real quick that you just had a problem with.

[159] Well, you were willing to tolerate some really ridiculous people in your life.

[160] And I loved you.

[161] And I'd be hanging around with you and I'd see all these problems in your life.

[162] And it drove me crazy.

[163] Because it wasn't just that I didn't like this guy, I was mad that this guy was wasting your time with nonsense, these idiots and liars and frauds and dummies.

[164] And you didn't want to hurt their feelings, so you accommodated them.

[165] That's right.

[166] And I was offended.

[167] I was offended by them.

[168] I was offended by them for being so weak to run this weak game, and then you were accepting this weak game so they didn't grow.

[169] Do you know a lot of young people listen to this?

[170] And one of the, you know what I figured out after a while, why I don't do that anymore?

[171] Why don't suffer fools anymore?

[172] Is because when you When you suffer fools like that, what you're doing is actually taking your time away from real people, people who do deserve your time, you know, who are not impostors.

[173] It's not good for them either.

[174] The fools, if you let a fool be a fool, they have to be a fool.

[175] By saying that, you know, that's who they are, and you just accept that, they're never going to grow.

[176] And I don't know if they can grow.

[177] I don't know what their potential for growth is, but we're not going to fucking find out if you tolerate them.

[178] You can't do it because you lose all your energy.

[179] It's actually a form of high -tech procrastination.

[180] If I think back on it, I think a lot of it was just high -tech procrastination.

[181] We do, as human beings, astonishing things to ensure our own failure or to at least ensure that we don't realize our potential.

[182] And we do crazy things, like have a family with three kids and with a woman we don't like or take a job that we have to take because we've got to hold down this massive nut we create for ourselves, when what we should be.

[183] be doing and actually it's a been turning pro he talks about this a lot press field you know um and the war of art and the war of art so we we do these things it's very hard and i always tell people i say if you really want to try an exercise just just ask yourself if you couldn't fail if you couldn't fail you can get anything you want just make a list of what you really want in technicolor and and see what it does to you it's hard to face up to it you know a lot of people have like competing like notions in their own mind about money.

[184] They were psychiatrists talking about how you have all these weird things like money, money buys you, that can't buy you happiness, it's the root of all evil, but we all want money.

[185] So within our own mind we have these major conflicts of interest whenever you bring up the word money because it conjures up both negative and positive images in us.

[186] That's interesting to me because you and I know that if you make enough money you can do a lot of good with it.

[187] You can make a difference with it.

[188] So everybody should be trying in some way to be, it's not just about money, but trying to be the best they can be because you'll make a difference.

[189] But I think within ourselves, part of the human problem and something you have to face up as you get older is the fact that there are a lot of contradictions within your own mind because they've been given to you.

[190] You know, it's really hard sometimes to just have because you have to actually think you deserve it.

[191] And most of us are conditioned to be guilty about having too much.

[192] yeah well there's a lot of people in this country that feel like it's okay to be angry at you because you're successful there's a lot of people that will say like go fucking rich asshole much less in this country than other countries and I'll tell you why and one of the strengths of our country is this and George will has a great he gave a great speech about this the the great thing about America is that all of us out there know and I hope we're not losing side of this because in some ways you can get cynical about the way this world is wired now.

[193] But at the bottom line is a lot of Americans know, I may be poor today, but if I do the right thing, I might be rich tomorrow.

[194] And that sense of potential in the American character is what drives this economy.

[195] It's why we're so innovative.

[196] That's all well and good as an ideal, but the real problem has nothing to do with America as an ideal.

[197] The real problem has to do with weakness of character and people not liking people who are successful.

[198] Yes.

[199] You know, I had a friend who will remain nameless, but he's a very nice guy, and he's a comedian, he's sort of a bit of the self -hating, nebushy type.

[200] And he's like, you're always doing this with your body.

[201] Like, why, you know, why, why have your, why have all these muscles?

[202] Why, why be in shape?

[203] Like, why are you so concentrated on that?

[204] Like, for real.

[205] I go, if I gave you a pill, and in that pill, all you can do, you take this pill and you, all of a sudden, you're a super athlete.

[206] You're a person who's unlike 99 .9 % of the people he run the street.

[207] You're a martial arts expert you could choke people you could kick the shit out of them if you wanted to you can defend yourself wouldn't you take that pill and he goes yeah i would i go well that pill is just hard work right if you do hard work you become that and see i did it without a pill consistency yeah so it's the same thing it's like there's nothing wrong with being in shape the only thing that's but wrong with being in shape is if you're not in shape and you see a guy's in shape and you see a woman react to that guy in shape in a very sexually attracted way and makes you feel uncomfortable so you want to pull the go post back you want to make the game easier you want you don't want to compete right this guy you know and and and it starts with like i always tell people you know but first first ask yourself be honest with yourself man sit there alone and ask yourself what you really want i mean ask yourself in detail then don't go don't like if you have to get your phd or something ridiculous don't don't look at the top of the mountain just take an action every day i don't care what it is one little action and and that's what I do like just take just keep taking it's like working out show up I don't give a shit if you start with five minutes when you show up to you develop momentum that's it when you start developing momentum the human being relies a lot on momentum it's a we're an habit we're a we're beasts of habit and momentum and when you that have a habit of working out all the time if I don't work out for a few days I feel super uncomfortable I don't lie I don't feel good you have to you have to exercise on a regular regular basis And when you do that, you develop momentum.

[208] When I write a lot, I'm writing, I get on a momentous sort of a wave, and I feel good about it.

[209] And it becomes a part of my habit.

[210] That's what you have to do is give yourself positive habits.

[211] Yeah, positive habits.

[212] Success is a habit, by the way, you're right.

[213] Yeah, be proud.

[214] Be proud of getting work done.

[215] Be happy that you're getting work done.

[216] I mean, that is what you do.

[217] But, you know, a lot of people also, remember, you surround yourself with a lot of people who aren't happy for you.

[218] They're not actually your friends, but what they are is their comfort, they're creatures of comfort.

[219] They're not actually your friends.

[220] And I think it's important sometimes you've got to change your fucking gang.

[221] Oh, well, one of the reasons why you and I were such good friends when I met you.

[222] It's like you were, first of all, you were the closest guy to me I've ever met in my life.

[223] I was like, holy shit, here's this guy who's like exactly like me. And you required nothing.

[224] You had no, like, what, man, you're not going to come to my birthday party?

[225] There was no creepy, dummy shit in there.

[226] And I had just gotten out of a friendship where I had to kick a guy out of my life because I was friends with him when I was broke.

[227] And then once I got on television, he got really fucking jealous.

[228] And he said a lot of dumb shit.

[229] I asked him not to give away my phone number.

[230] I said I have two phone numbers because I've always had like a media phone and then a regular phone.

[231] Because when you do media, like you do radio shows, they have to call you back.

[232] And I want to have a phone where if I pull it out of the wall, I don't give a fuck who calls.

[233] You know?

[234] So I have that phone.

[235] So I said, just do me a favor.

[236] Your friend, who, by the way, just got out of a mental institution, would you do me a favor and just give him my other phone?

[237] He doesn't fucking care about you, man, just because you're on TV.

[238] Your friend just got out of a mental institution.

[239] He's fucking crazy.

[240] All I'm asking is, if you're going to bring this crazy guy into my life by connection, giving the media phone.

[241] And he went in this, well, you think you're such a fucking badass because you're on TV?

[242] I'm like, what is this?

[243] What are you even talking about, man?

[244] I'm asking you not to give your crazy friend my number.

[245] That's it.

[246] That's it.

[247] And all of a sudden it has to become some attack on, you know, on my success.

[248] And it wasn't even a big success.

[249] It was just a little part of a sitcom.

[250] But you remind them of what they're not doing.

[251] Exactly.

[252] I think a lot of people go into this notion of scarcity, this idea that there's only a certain amount of the pie.

[253] And if somebody else is doing well, I'm not going to do well.

[254] They're not even thinking that.

[255] All they're thinking about is themselves.

[256] They're not looking at us this giant picture of resources.

[257] All they're doing is just like being a baby.

[258] All they're saying is, what about me?

[259] me i had a friend who got a part and as he got a part in a sitcom his girlfriend started crying i'm never going to get anything what about me like this guy just got a part on a sitcom he was so happy he was like i can't believe i got it i nailed the audition i got it i worked that's a huge deal man what about me what about me that's why i don't date actresses yeah actresses it's part of the song I have a very strict no headshots policy.

[260] I always steal that because I went through my headshots phase and I just stopped doing it.

[261] Yeah, you learn, you know.

[262] You don't want to date anybody's as fucked up as you are.

[263] That's very important.

[264] That's the bottom line.

[265] I don't want to manage my fucked -up in this.

[266] I don't want to introduce yours into the application as well.

[267] The other day on stage I was talking about my daughter and I was like, I just don't want her to date a guy like me. So I've got to play a character for the next 15 years.

[268] So she imprints on somebody different.

[269] Yeah.

[270] Well, my friend said, what are you going to do if they start dating girls?

[271] Or start dating boys.

[272] I'm like, guess what?

[273] Girls like boys.

[274] That's it.

[275] Boys like girls, too.

[276] The only thing you can do is this.

[277] Here's my philosophy.

[278] It's good.

[279] They're supposed to like girls.

[280] And girls are supposed to like boys.

[281] And still them with the right values and a good mind.

[282] They're going to make their mistakes.

[283] That's all you can do.

[284] People are just afraid of their children growing up.

[285] If they're looking up to a yoker like Kim Kardashian, just give an alternative.

[286] They're not going to look up to that dummy.

[287] It's real sense.

[288] If you don't fuck your kids up, if you raise them like their friends and you talk to them and communicate with them, they're not going to be attracted to something as stupid as a life of Kim Kardashian.

[289] I remember watching you with...

[290] There's humor in that.

[291] Yeah, I'm watching you with your first daughter and you would talk to her like an adult.

[292] And when I would talk to her in like this, I didn't know anything about kids.

[293] Well, we play.

[294] You know, I play with my kids, but I talk to them.

[295] And I think kids know a lot more than you think they know.

[296] you know i mean i'm i'm down to play princess i'm down to pretend santa claus is real i'm down for pretend but when it comes to emotions one of the first things i do whenever i catch them doing something wrong like they hate each other or yell at each other i always tell them that i did the same thing always like one of them bid her sister the other day i go i bit a little girl when i was five getting trouble bit some girl in her hand you know she was sticking her hand in my mouth i'm like fuck you bitch i bid her hand so i told you know her how bad i felt i mean after After the first, after the first three times, you put your hand in my mouth.

[297] Watching her little four -year -old eyes, like, look at me and realize that I used to be dumb and did a lot of, like, it wasn't just her daddy.

[298] It wasn't just an adult.

[299] At one point in time, I was a little child as well, just like her.

[300] And I was telling her, like, I remember biting this girl, and it was very traumatic.

[301] I shouldn't have done it.

[302] And the girl was mad, and her mom was mad, and I felt like an idiot, you know, and her mom's like, why didn't you just slug her?

[303] You didn't have to bite her.

[304] And I'm like, I'm sorry.

[305] I mean I didn't even break skin or anything it was just so dumb the worst the worst thing for me the worst times in my life I can always remember was when I was embarrassed do you tell your kids this somebody do you talk no I haven't really I haven't told my my daughter that who's old enough now to understand yeah I do man I'm gonna start anytime there's any sort of an issue I think that's one of the most important things the same with my stepdaughter she's an old daughter I've always done the same thing with her she's not i mean say stepdaughter she's my daughter and um and when well that's what i was talking about yeah i know but when i communicate with her it's it's it's the same thing it's always got to be that they're a human being well you're giving them the benefit of the doubt actually they have the same mind as we do they don't have context yes exactly and when you bring them into your world like that and you communicate with them then they'll bring you into their thoughts as well it's amazing how much my four -year -old just opens up and talks to me about how she feels about things What bothers her?

[306] Do you think that you have a, I was just talking about this with, I just recorded something with Jay Moore in my podcast, and I asked him if he had a primary question that runs through his mind every day.

[307] Do you think you wake up with a primary question?

[308] No. You don't have one overriding question?

[309] No, enjoy myself.

[310] I think this is a journey.

[311] I just think this is a ride.

[312] I'm absolutely, look, it is.

[313] It's temporary.

[314] It's not going to last.

[315] I just want to enjoy myself.

[316] I want to be amongst friends and have a good.

[317] time you have a good time doing my stand -up doing my work have a good time doing jiu -jitsu hanging out my boys at 10th Planet and John John Jock Machado's having a good time driving around listening to music being nice to people yeah I feel like you know we're all a little too small in this giant universe to take ourselves too seriously well it's not there's no benefit in it there's no benefit in self -granture there's the the benefit is in friendship the benefit is in fun laughter can I'm so psyched about you coming over here like we talked about this our families are together Brian's wife's here We have the kids here I've got stakes We're gonna play some music Listen to some music And drink some wine That's what life's about That's what life is about having fun Didn't I say that to yeah I said we're gonna mark our lives By the number of times we laughed With each other And we're silly And we're just surprising and shocking Each other That's what it's about Stanhope and I were on the phone the other day And he was drunk And he's like You know I could quit stand up But I couldn't quit standups he goes I don't need to do comedy anymore he goes I never want to stop hanging out with comics yeah because you know he and I were just on the phone we're just laughing and talking shit yeah and laughing and laughing he called me uh he was listening to the jamie podcast Jamie kilstein podcast in a in a in a van filled with other people like he was on a on tour and he called me it sounded like a comedy club he goes I just want to tell you we're listening to you right now and everybody has something to say to you and then he like he holds up the phone and all the comics in the van are screaming and cheering and applauding.

[318] That's great.

[319] Jamie Kielstein said some crazy shit about Tosh.

[320] Shouldn't have said that rape joke.

[321] And it was like, he went Captain Feminist on people.

[322] So Stanhope called.

[323] And then I call him back and we're just laughing.

[324] And he's just like, so fun.

[325] That's the kind of human beings you're supposed to be in contact with.

[326] Joey Diaz.

[327] Every time I'm hanging out.

[328] That's an original.

[329] What a stamp on life.

[330] That guy's, he's just great.

[331] I mean, he looks over in the UFC and I'm sitting like literally like, six, ten chairs away and he goes, he just leans him and he goes, no drama, cuck, sucker, no drama.

[332] And everybody's like, what the fuck is that guy saying?

[333] No drama, man. No drama, cuck, sucker.

[334] We're doing an end of the world show with Joey Diaz, Doug Stanhope, me and a band called Honey Honey.

[335] I'll be in the audience, I'll tell you that much.

[336] December 21st, 2012 in Hollywood, and it's going to be at the Wiltern Theater.

[337] I'll come on stage as you again.

[338] Well, Stanhope is also coming to the Ice House this Friday night.

[339] So if you're coming to the Ice House, we've got shows of the Ice House.

[340] It's me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Shafir, tonight and tomorrow.

[341] I'll be on Vegas.

[342] Tonight, Doug Stanhope's, or not tonight and tomorrow.

[343] What am I retarded?

[344] Today's Wednesday.

[345] I don't even know what day it is.

[346] Friday night and Saturday night, sorry, at the Ice House, and Friday night, Stanhope's going to be here.

[347] I wish I could be.

[348] I would have come out of that.

[349] I've never met Stanhope, but I'm a big time.

[350] Oh, really?

[351] Yeah, I'd love to meet him.

[352] He's a great guy.

[353] He's the best.

[354] So important.

[355] He's so important to me. He's like a real guy.

[356] He's refreshing.

[357] He's really doing it.

[358] He's refreshing.

[359] Yeah.

[360] And he's 100 % legit.

[361] He's a 100 % legit, hilarious headliner, comedian who's just really into continuing to do that, albeit occasionally reluctantly.

[362] He's a little real deal, man. I was talking to Jay Moore today, and I said, you know, he said, what's your definition of heaven?

[363] I said, to be honest with you, man, I think it's just being on state.

[364] and doing stand -up.

[365] I don't think I'll ever take time off away from me. He's like, when are you going to retire?

[366] I don't think, I think I'm going to be Don Rickles.

[367] I'll be 85 years old doing fucking stand -up because it's just so much fun and what else would I be doing?

[368] Find me something else that's really fun.

[369] You want to go skydiving?

[370] Nah, I got...

[371] If people still want to listen, I'll still be doing it.

[372] Yeah.

[373] And when they don't want to listen anymore when you're doing like half -filled shows and the people are barely there, you're like, ma 'am, all right.

[374] Maybe it's time to pack it in.

[375] But then again, maybe it's time to go back to the drawing board and come on with new stuff.

[376] Yeah, well, it could be, yeah, for sure.

[377] I mean, you know, it could be that.

[378] It could be a lapse, but for some people, it's the end.

[379] You know, there's a lot of people that get fat.

[380] They just get fat in the brain.

[381] Yeah, but you've got to keep feeding.

[382] I always tell, like, young comics, I'm like, feed your brain.

[383] It's important to read everything if you can or as much as you can.

[384] And keep asking yourself the next question.

[385] It's how you stay dynamic.

[386] It's how your material will grow, and it's how you will grow as a person.

[387] You know, one of the things, I've been getting nothing with great feedback about this podcast I did with my dad.

[388] Well, my dad's 72.

[389] What my dad continues to do, and what I respect about him so much, is he continues to grow.

[390] I watched the 72 -year -old guy taking Italian and going to Italy for three weeks and throwing himself into Italian.

[391] When the fuck is he going to use Italian, yet he doesn't care he takes it.

[392] Reading these obscure things on quantum physics and stuff, he's just always growing.

[393] Well, because he enjoys it.

[394] I think what people have to really, the reason why that's shocking to people is most people feel like there's a destination.

[395] Well, I'm going to reach retirement.

[396] I reach retirement, then I'm going to change.

[397] There is no, there is just now.

[398] There is just life.

[399] And you should think about the future, but your primary concern should be now.

[400] It should be life.

[401] And what do you enjoy doing?

[402] Do you enjoy learning things?

[403] Do you enjoy reading?

[404] Do you enjoy isolation tanks or fucking hikes or workouts?

[405] Just grow.

[406] Do that stuff.

[407] And by the way, here's something for people to say, well, I can't do that because I got to put money, food on the table for my kids.

[408] You'll set a very, very good example to your children.

[409] if you're following your dream and what you're supposed to be doing.

[410] That children pick up on that.

[411] They can pick up on whether you're doing drudgery or you're doing something inspiring for yourself.

[412] And it'll make your household better, in my opinion.

[413] That's easy for me to say, by the way, because I'm not having to pay bills all the time.

[414] So I don't want to be too disrespectful that people who are actually trying to just make some money and figure their shit out.

[415] But just keep in the back of your mind that, you know, just find something you like to do.

[416] Well, look, some people get an easy ride in this life.

[417] We all know this.

[418] Some people get really lucky and they get an easy ride in this life.

[419] but that doesn't usually last.

[420] Most of the people will get an easy ride.

[421] If they don't earn it, they wind up fucking it up.

[422] That's true.

[423] Almost always.

[424] That's very true.

[425] And your ride is different than anybody else's ride.

[426] As my ride is different from anybody else's ride.

[427] But you've got to accept that.

[428] Instead of being mad at other people's rides, you've got to only look at what you're dealt.

[429] What is the hand you're dealt?

[430] Move from there.

[431] Don't worry about this guy who's fucking rich prick.

[432] He's born into a fucking rich house His dad's a fucking banker He's got all this money Kid thinks he's a That is not your concern Okay, that guy's got his own problems If you concentrate on him And hate on him That is wasted resources What you should be concentrating on Is what hand were you dealt You know well I'm not so good at math But you know what I think I want to be a rapper Be a rapper Concentrate on yourself Concentrate on what hand you're dealt Or and please remember also This is so important As I get older this There's no doubt about this anybody you admire who's really good at something whether it's the drums jujitsu math whatever please know this they've put in at least 10 years of really hard work at least not always not always no but i'm saying some people are prodigies they get good but but but anything anything that you anything that you want to get good at you're going to have to put daily practice into yes and should always do it for the sake of the practice not the result you get you get just as much like somebody somebody said well i don't know by the time I get my psychology degree, I don't know if I get, look, you're going to be, while you're trying to get your psychology degree, you're going to be meeting people you want to be around who are dynamic and interesting because they're going to be doing the same thing you're doing.

[433] So it's, the fun starts almost right away.

[434] Yeah.

[435] Well, it's people just get scared about long -term goals and long -term commitments.

[436] It's like just keep working.

[437] You're going to keep working anyway on something, right?

[438] Are you just going to stop moving?

[439] You're going to work on feeding yourself?

[440] You're going to fucking move forward.

[441] Tim Ferriss said something interesting in his book he goes my goals i don't set these 10 year goals i set three month goals six month goals nine month goals 12 month goals that's a good way to do it you can get a lot done in three months you know just something simple i don't set any goals you know never never set goals i set objectives like as far as like when i want to get done in days during the day but i my goal is to be doing what i want to do and i'm already doing that oh yeah but you've always so i don't have any goals but you've always had very clear notions i'm talk to you you'll go i remember you going, I'm going, I'm going to start my own TV show, my own TV channel.

[442] I remember you saying that before the podcast.

[443] Then you were like, I'm going to do a podcast.

[444] So you get these ideas, and the difference between you is that once you get an idea, like once you're into something, whether it's a video game or a sport, you're a, you're a co -cook -bird about it.

[445] Fucking cuckoo.

[446] Like, I'm like, what are you doing?

[447] He goes, I just finished practicing Quake for 15 hours.

[448] I fainted.

[449] I'm like, well, you know, how about, I'll do it for an hour.

[450] in 15 minutes.

[451] 15 hours.

[452] I fainted.

[453] I didn't get any water.

[454] That's you.

[455] Well, I grew up completely obsessed with martial arts and that mindset of the practice of martial arts, which was defining for me, which made me a human being, was the first thing I was ever really good at.

[456] That became the way I lived my whole life.

[457] Live life like you're about to, you know, you're about to do the most dangerous thing you could ever possibly imagine.

[458] So you have to be obsessed with it to get really good at it.

[459] Yeah.

[460] I can't not, I can't, like, half -ass something.

[461] Are you crazy?

[462] But why do you think you would be good at stand -up?

[463] Were you a class clown?

[464] I didn't.

[465] I didn't think I was going to be good.

[466] I didn't either.

[467] I didn't either.

[468] I had a very specific idea that the only people that laughed at me were the people that were these sick fucks that I trained with.

[469] Because those are the people that taught my friend, Ed Shorter, and my friend Steve Graham.

[470] Steve Graham was still one of my best friends this day.

[471] When I was a little kid, I used to make everybody laugh at the Taekwendo School.

[472] I would do these impressions of my instructor having sex with one of the students you know i never did any of that i would do it like you know in their you know in the voice and in with their accent and shit and it would be like one of our friends was your instructor really want you really want that blue belt was it korean your instructor yeah well it wasn't that guy it was the another guy that actually made fun of who was like more of an assistant my instructor was korean and he we really respected him he's an amazing still an amazing guy one of the most influential people in my life but i used to call fellow students as him I'm like, hello, you know, as a, as a chore, you know, my friends would freak, they'd be like, hi, sir, how are you?

[473] Like, why is he calling me?

[474] He never called anybody.

[475] That's, we definitely have that in common that we used to do impressions of people that we knew.

[476] Yeah, that's, what's like the first kind of humor, you recognize something goofy that someone does, and so you repeat it, and I put him in ridiculous scenarios.

[477] But my first comedy came from high school.

[478] When I was in high school, I was not a funny kid.

[479] I was a much more troubled kid than I was funny, but when no, but I was an artist, and when no one was around, I would go into Mr. Hallman's class.

[480] Mr. Hallman was this really wacky science teacher.

[481] He was really fucking crazy.

[482] And I knew how to draw him.

[483] I always forget.

[484] I always forget that you're a really good drawer.

[485] I always forget that.

[486] Oh, yeah.

[487] I wanted to be a cartoon art, I mean, a comic book artist.

[488] I was, I dedicated a lot of time.

[489] And it was one high school teacher that sucked that completely turned me off to it.

[490] I was like, I can't.

[491] Thank God for him.

[492] Yeah, thank God for that guy.

[493] Maybe not.

[494] I mean, I would have enjoyed being an artist.

[495] Maybe I wouldn't have had to, you know, be so, who knows?

[496] Yeah, I can't see you in a, sitting at a drafting table all day.

[497] Yeah, maybe.

[498] Maybe, I don't know.

[499] I don't know.

[500] I enjoyed it, though.

[501] I really enjoyed illustrations.

[502] What was my point?

[503] By the way, illustrations are hypnotic, aren't they?

[504] I mean, you can paint all day.

[505] Like, I know painters who said this guy, I can't remember damn his name.

[506] You're going to make me go off Trebek.

[507] Oh.

[508] Okay.

[509] I'm sorry.

[510] remember this.

[511] So what I would do, my first stab at humor was I would draw pictures of this dude on the board, like pictures of him butt fucking other students or, and then there was a guy named Mr. White, who was this really short dude who just got back from Vietnam and he was fucking crazy.

[512] And Mr. White, I always drew him standing on a chair or standing on a stool.

[513] I always drew him standing on top of something.

[514] And he was always screaming about nom, you know, and people would fucking howl.

[515] And I would put it on the chalkboard.

[516] I got suspended.

[517] because I drew the Spanish teacher.

[518] Spanish teacher wore like a ton of make.

[519] Like unbelievable amounts of makeup.

[520] Like a clown.

[521] And then I drew her like her face with all the makeup.

[522] And then I drew a werewolf.

[523] This is her without makeup.

[524] And it was really good.

[525] Like fangs and slobber.

[526] The first time I knew you were really funny before I'd even seen you stand it.

[527] We were at the U .S .C. And we were sitting there and we were on a bus.

[528] We were going back, being shuttled back to something.

[529] This is like back in the day when Randy Couture like had his first fight.

[530] Right.

[531] Yeah, yeah.

[532] And I remember somebody goes, Joe, what are you going to do tonight?

[533] And you were like, I think I'm going to get in a horse dance, push my balls into my body, and read Nietzsche with a bandana around my head.

[534] I was like, I was like, I was like, well, is there a fucking, yes, that's my favorite kind of humor.

[535] You gotta say intense, too.

[536] Yeah.

[537] There's a lot of dudes who thought they could do that.

[538] They thought they could pull their balls into their body.

[539] Dude, I used to try, what are you talking about?

[540] There's nobody was more obsessed.

[541] The only person more obsessed with martial arts than you was me. Can you pull your balls anywhere?

[542] I can't do your balls anywhere.

[543] I can't do any movement with my balls.

[544] No, no, you can't do that.

[545] You have to push him in.

[546] Have you ever tried tantra?

[547] You ever tried like squeezing your, you're strengthening your calm muscles so you don't let any come out?

[548] Yeah, yeah.

[549] Does that work?

[550] Can you make it stronger?

[551] Look, it's what every guy does who doesn't come right away, okay?

[552] That's what the fuck.

[553] It's called maturity.

[554] It's learning how to, I remember being younger and just fucking, I, the minute I smell the girl I'd come.

[555] I'd be like, oh, fucking, don't move.

[556] Oh, too late.

[557] Isn't there some sort of a physiological benefit to not orgasming and letting your body, like, assimilate the comment well the idea there is there the idea is that fighters the samurai the idea is that you can boost your testosterone and apparently the semen goes up your spine not true at all not true at all but believe me i believed it and used to say it for years i remember in tequila no we used to not we'd go with like two weeks without like you know jerking off or getting laid and it just make you really it feel really aggressive i wouldn't do that i tried i couldn't do it was too distracting on fight science on fight science John Brancas, that show, they had guys not have sex for like a week or something, and they measured their testosterone, and then they had them, like, calm and stuff, and there was no difference.

[558] They actually, they actually have tested difference.

[559] Scientifically, fight science is not the fuck they're talking about.

[560] They don't, right?

[561] They've shown, there's a physiological difference, but it only lasts for seven days.

[562] After seven days, it normalizes.

[563] But for seven days, you get a higher level of testosterone.

[564] It's like your body's like, come on, last chance to not be a pussy.

[565] Let's go get some.

[566] Come on, come on.

[567] Let's go get some.

[568] Come on.

[569] I would think that your body's producing more testosterone to develop, to build sperm.

[570] But then again, I'm not a fucking doctor.

[571] Yeah, I think it's also to increase your competitive drive in order to get some more pussy.

[572] It's like your body recognizes, like, that you haven't scored, you haven't tried to reproduce.

[573] So because you haven't tried to reproduce, your body's like, listen, let's fucking amp this gorilla up.

[574] Yeah, and it's probably getting you ready to fight in case another male comes along.

[575] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[576] Because pussy's scarce, like in Alaska.

[577] Or Boston.

[578] where hopefully you and i will be yeah we're gonna go you're going well listen i'm going i'm coming i'm coming i'm coming hunting with you and i and let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's move this conversation over to to a little show called pig man holy shit talk about that weaponry by the way i got 40 of them i've talked to ronella about any he fucking hates that show steve rinello who's the guy who's the host of meat eater he he is well because they're in helicopters dude but he's a fair chase hunter i mean he's what he does is everything he does is like stalking He stalks his prey.

[579] He doesn't wait in a tree stand with a pile of food laying there.

[580] And then below them.

[581] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[582] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[583] I'm coming.

[584] Oh, he's an animal.

[585] You know, I'm going to be there.

[586] You got to go.

[587] He's a great guy, too.

[588] A very intelligent guy.

[589] He's not like your typical, you know, oh, just like hunting.

[590] You know, he's a guy who, it's very sacred to him.

[591] The whole, like, he went to a ranch once, and they put him in a tree stand.

[592] And then he said, well, at 6 a .m., the deer come around because that's when we, that's when the feeders open up.

[593] And he realized there was electronic feeders.

[594] He's like, I can't do this.

[595] He wouldn't do it.

[596] Whereas, like, Ted Nudja just fucking launches arrows through those pitches.

[597] Yeah, I mean, that's literally target practice.

[598] It's basically pigs.

[599] It's actually domesticated pigs that became feral.

[600] Well, the pig man shows different.

[601] I mean, this is...

[602] They're actually quitting that area of a pest, right?

[603] Yeah, they have a real problem with pigs.

[604] And they give the meat to, like, poor people, I think.

[605] Yes, yes, yes.

[606] They give the meat to needy families, and it's good meat.

[607] It's good, it's wild pork.

[608] It's delicious.

[609] Yeah.

[610] But the pigs are a huge problem.

[611] They destroy crop.

[612] They spread disease too They spread disease And when they plant the seeds They go in the root And they pull the seeds out of the ground And eat the seeds Pigs will eat anything And they're fucking huge So they have to eradicate them So in Texas it's legal to hunt them From a helicopter And those guns are unbelievable Do do do do do They're just Taking these fucking pigs out While the pigs are running They're blowing their brains out And the pigs do flips They kill 200 pigs plus and 10 coyotes on one show.

[613] Oh, I don't like, I like coyotes.

[614] Why would you like coyotes?

[615] Because.

[616] Did you imagine if your baby was outside by itself and a coyote came along?

[617] How do you think that would work?

[618] How do you think that would work?

[619] How do you think that would work?

[620] I love those questions.

[621] You would eat your baby?

[622] Listen, man. Every coyote.

[623] Do you want lions near your baby?

[624] Fuck himself.

[625] Every coyote that ever lived, I will put a bullet in his fucking brain if I catch my arm.

[626] No, no, I have great pack structures.

[627] They're cunts.

[628] Good, good hunters.

[629] Baby eating cock suckers, each and every one of them.

[630] people make up anything to fucking kill to kill something like they eat babies I have proof leave a baby alone coyote show where we kill guys called killing baby killers that would be a satisfying show if you just left a baby in a pen in the middle of a street and the coyotes just come around and you pick them off with sniper rifles like hey he deserves it this motherfucker was gonna eat the baby he's coming for the baby what do you want me to do here oh that's good yeah I'm not in the coyotes man look that when your dog gets eaten by a mountain lion you have a it's you have a different perspective to me it hit get a pit bull do you oh I haven't had those before yeah pit bulls are great how about when you come home and one of them killed the other one God yeah that was a lot of fun my living room was a puddle of blood that's the dog I told you to adopt yeah she was like she was a coffee table yeah she was a killer coffee table with teeth she was a crocodile with a foot long legs she was actually a crocodile she she had a crocodile head she was clearly a half crocodile well sweetest dog ever I called you like oh hey loved her this one we were completely retarded I was like hey get down here now I knew because I couldn't adopt him because I had a I had a female she was so sweet and you were like I'm taking her that dog loved me that was a problem she loved me and she didn't want the other dogs around because they would get some of my love too was devastating too huh when she fight she would fight to the death she was ready to fight to the death over you petting did you ever fight Frank oh yeah only people to fight other man like male females fight they fought to the yeah it's bad it was bad i had to i had to put them both down yeah put frank down too you get tired of that shit right they both tried to kill each other it was horrible and it was and i couldn't trust him frank was like devastated after it was over she won she beat the male she did yep yeah yeah left him for dead he was all fucked up oh really he was in the hospital for weeks yeah yeah i never i never thought that they would fight i never thought the male in the feet i would separate the females but i never thought the male would fight with the female and they fought you know what they fought over the pool guy.

[631] The pool guy came over to clean the pool.

[632] They were petting.

[633] They're petting the pool guy pet one of them and she would fight Frank if she wasn't getting pet.

[634] Yeah, well, she got fucked up, man. When she was in that pen or in the pound for a while, she was fucked up because it was one of those shelters where they didn't kill the animal.

[635] They kept the animal all around and she was a fighting dog before that.

[636] So she was a fighting dog and then all of a sudden she's in the pound and then all of a sudden she's at this house and this guy's super sweet to her and loves her and pets her and feeds her food and she's like these other dogs.

[637] You better get the fuck away.

[638] Yeah, I don't want to lose this.

[639] Yeah, yeah, and it was, she would have been a great pet on by her own, but with other dogs, she's too crazy.

[640] You need a medium alone, usually, that's my experience.

[641] I've always had, I had, I had two pit bulls for years, and I've had different sets of them, and they just, they just try to kill each other.

[642] I got so good, I got so good at getting, like, choking them out off each other.

[643] I mean, but I just, they'd be fighting, and once I'm always on a date, and Piggy and my, my, my, my, my fucking German, German shepherd, this working dog, this badass fucking dog, okay, that I, like, found this kennel.

[644] It was, like, long line of just nothing but IPO and Shotsun's sport dogs.

[645] This dog was a fucking wolf, and by the way, had knockout, drag out fights with my dog Piggy, who was a pure pit bull and a fighting dog.

[646] And this dog held her own, no problem.

[647] Meanwhile, I'm on a date.

[648] What do you mean?

[649] Why would you let them find out?

[650] I didn't.

[651] I didn't know that they helped their own.

[652] I thought they were two females.

[653] Were you there when it happened?

[654] Oh, dude, what would happen was I'd come home and it looked like Vietnam.

[655] There'd be fur everywhere, blood everywhere.

[656] And they'd both be like, and basically half dead.

[657] I'd rush them to the vet.

[658] They'd be like, that'll be $5 ,000 to each case.

[659] Yeah, they're all cut up.

[660] I was like, wha!

[661] Literally.

[662] And so when they'd fight sometimes, I was on a date, this girl, this beautiful girl member, and all of a sudden I just hear, and I come running out, and all I think is vet bills.

[663] And they'd just gotten out of their cones.

[664] They used to walk around.

[665] They looked like Nixon and a baseball combined.

[666] They literally just looked through jowls and, like, stitches.

[667] Oh, because they had, what you're saying.

[668] is they swall up.

[669] They had to shave them.

[670] And then they'd had these crazy stitches on these shaved heads and necks and just swollen with these jowls.

[671] It was awful.

[672] The jowls because their face gets swollen.

[673] I'd have to train it.

[674] They had their fucking pills.

[675] And they were in these cones and knocking everything over.

[676] And so they get in the fight.

[677] And I was in the front yard for 20 minutes trying to break them up because I choke one off.

[678] Then that one would lose consciousness and then the other one would get a hold of it.

[679] And then I'd have to choke that one.

[680] I'm the other one were getting kind of 20 minutes.

[681] And my hands, And my buddy came home, Bob, my buddy came home and actually helped me break him up.

[682] 20 minutes later, we're all fucked up.

[683] My hands were so, I'd been trying to, like, fight him so badly.

[684] I was literally fighting for my life.

[685] In the future.

[686] My hands couldn't, didn't work for a week.

[687] Well, you're a pussy.

[688] Garden hose.

[689] Ah, dude, what?

[690] Separates something.

[691] Oh, really?

[692] Yeah.

[693] Tried it.

[694] Many times with my dogs, and they were like, ah, this is just cooling us down.

[695] In their face?

[696] In their mouth.

[697] Really?

[698] In their mouth, guess what?

[699] I talked to the trainer.

[700] He goes, yeah.

[701] Sometimes when you do that, some dogs think that the other dog is doing it to them, and so they fucking go harder.

[702] Yeah, I had both those dogs.

[703] It didn't matter because they'd be holding on each other.

[704] Do you remember when we went to that guy's house who was a, he raised fighting pit bulls and you got one of his puppies?

[705] Yeah, because the advertisement said, this is how retarded Joe and I were.

[706] The advertisement said, pit bulls, there's no bull in our pits, bred right out of the box.

[707] Joe and I were like, fighting dog.

[708] We're in your stupid, like, impossibly fast acting.

[709] or some shit and we're just we drive forever out there this guy's clearly a dog fighter slash criminal slash whatever serial killer and I buy this dog even as a puppy wouldn't let go of your shoelaces and it really looked like a beagle it was really weird it was a small dog so anyway Brian can't take this dog he has a dog for a little while but it's just too much work he's really irresponsible so he gives a dog to his friend on the farm and then what does the dog do well my friend called me and goes hey Brian dog's no longer with us.

[710] I go, what?

[711] He goes, yeah, I had to shoot it.

[712] I said, why?

[713] He goes, oh, I don't know.

[714] Well, let's see.

[715] Got a hold of the baby cow.

[716] And then, well, no, I'm sorry, let me start again.

[717] It killed one goat, then another goat, and that goat got caught up in its rope, and then started bleeding as it died.

[718] And then the cow started moving, so the dog was like, oh, baby cow, grabbed out of that.

[719] Then the neighbor, the German shepherd came out to protect the cow, and your dog broke both its legs.

[720] okay it's pine legs and he said and I had a 55 pound dog that looked like it was a hundred pounds it was so full of blood it was just it was just so swollen with blood lust and he said I'd never seen anything like it couldn't get it off then after the German Shepherd goes back to the cow the baby cow so my buddy is trying to get it off the baby cow yeah you have a real responsibility when you have a dog like that those dogs they have too too much of a history of blood lust it's too hard for them to break great with people terrible watch dogs but hell on wheels with four four legs they're great with people you just if you have a dog like that you have to have it in a secure yard and you have to be with it all the time because otherwise you got a monster you use them to hunt bore or fight other dogs that's what pimples are by the way that's also pig man you ever see when they hunt them that way they hold them down with the dogs and then they cut the thing's neck yeah it's not as crazy as the watching the helicopter shit the helicopter thing was insane it's a whole show too it's a whole half hour those are those are military style weapons those are like you're talking about This is an N4 with a fully automatic with it.

[721] When they hit the pigs and the pigs were running and then they would do the somersaults when they would like brain them and then the pigs would go face down into the mud and flip.

[722] It's pretty fucking nuts, man. One pig, they get to this one pig, this giant boar, and he fucking turns, stops running, and faces the helicopter.

[723] Like face down the helicopter.

[724] That's a badass.

[725] I've got to live.

[726] Look at this motherfucker.

[727] No way.

[728] They opened up on him.

[729] And then you see them twitching and kicking and shit They got them in the water Some of them went in the water And as they're in the water You see their heads explode in the water Like this is the most carnage I have ever seen on television And this is fucking crazy to watch You know and they're fucking rednecks So they're hooting and a hollering while they're like Ted Nizu was like people think it should be illegal It should be illegal not to do it He's not exactly a middle of the road guy You don't kill 100 pigs before breakfast You're a communist just just fucking shooting shooting at them out of this he was having a great time yeah he was like if i was too many bullets mrs nujit will divorce me i was in portugal and i saw a bull fight and i was surprised at my own reaction i got really mad at how they were treating that bull it made me feel really bad for the bull and i was fucking actively rooting for it to kill one of those guys well they do on every now and then yeah they do that the last one when the guy had i don't like hurting an animal you're gonna kill it just shoot it you know don't hurt it you've seen the horn where The horn goes through the guy's eye.

[730] That's the crazy shit I've ever seen him in my life.

[731] Oh, by the way, I think, I believe he came back and fought, like, couldn't fight anymore, but he fought a symbolic thing, and they were all cheering for him.

[732] Jesus Christ.

[733] That's a badass.

[734] If you want to read the definitive book on bullfighting, and it's really worth it, it's called Death in the Afternoon by Ernest Hemingway.

[735] And it's an amazing book.

[736] One guy had it threw his mouth, through his lower jaw and coming out of its mouth.

[737] Yep.

[738] Those guys, that's a badass, that's a badass sport, I will say.

[739] It's not a sport.

[740] It's a crazy custom that you couldn't invent today.

[741] It's one of those things like circumcision, where you could invent it today.

[742] Do you know that a law in Spain, you're not allowed to approach a fighting bull on foot as a human being.

[743] You have to approach it either on bicycle or in a car or in a motorcycle.

[744] Why?

[745] Because those fighting bulls are smart enough.

[746] They watch how you move, and they learn very quickly.

[747] They learn very quickly how.

[748] So the first time a bull in a ring sees a man. It's the first time he's ever seen a man on two.

[749] feet so he's not he doesn't know how it moves yeah and there's a whole thing that they do with that you know yeah that's important you don't want to have that an even fight did you know you know they used to pit lions and also bears on with bulls those white bear baiting guess guess who won every one of those fights pit bulls no the bulls i mean the bulls when they'd have bulls against a lion or bulls against a bear oh bulls bulls won every time bulls beat lions every time Jesus every fucking time that's what Hemingway says and they they they they they they you're You're not fucking with a...

[750] They can lift a horse.

[751] Speaking of which, speaking of which, did you see the YouTube video of the bull elephant that took the Mack truck, got under it with his tusks because he was mad at the Mack truck because he fell out of it and flipped that shit over?

[752] He fell out of the truck.

[753] Yeah, they were trying to load him on the truck, I guess, and he fell out of it and was like, fuck this.

[754] And he got under that Mac truck, and it's a real Mac truck, and flipped it.

[755] So turn it right over on its side So if you have any question about how strong And by the way, they weigh 10 ,000 pounds A bull elephant weighs 10 ,000 pounds Ladies and gentlemen Jesus Christ Is that big enough for you?

[756] I wonder who would win Elephant or a bull And they're really smart You can train them to do all kinds of crazy shit Well, what's really smart about them Is their memory.

[757] They can see another elephant Which all looks the same to us But they don't see it for 10 years And then they run into it They run towards each other And hug each other They can do that with humans, too.

[758] That's crazy, man. They know who you are, and they don't like certain people.

[759] And I was in the San Diego Zoo, and I was watching them.

[760] We paid extra to go and see them how they clean them and how they, you know, teach them to give them your hoof so you can check them and stuff.

[761] So they always have a barrier.

[762] No joke.

[763] There's no video.

[764] Is there a...

[765] It's got to be.

[766] Yeah, there's no...

[767] Put elephant, I think flipping Mac truck or something.

[768] Yeah, that's what I just put in.

[769] Or flipping truck.

[770] Elephant versus truck.

[771] I had to do it for, I did it for, uh, true TV.

[772] They sent it to me. Oh, really?

[773] Yeah, maybe.

[774] Well, what is it like, um...

[775] They say me the DVD.

[776] What is a true TV?

[777] It was like a show or something?

[778] I do this thing, and I do this thing called World's Dumbest, like World's Dumbest.

[779] Oh, like one of those VH1 things where you make fun of people?

[780] Yeah, they just have comments, like making comments and stuff.

[781] That stuff's on the way out.

[782] You think so?

[783] Yeah, TV's on the way out.

[784] It's doing well, though.

[785] All those silly shows are on the way out.

[786] Well, what do you think is going to replace?

[787] the internet.

[788] What's that mean for us?

[789] I don't know.

[790] It means that our podcast, man thoughts at Brian Callan.

[791] I gotta come up with T -shirts.

[792] That's what you're calling it now?

[793] Man -Thoughts?

[794] Yeah, man -thoughts.

[795] You change it from the Brian -Callon show to Man -Thus?

[796] Yeah, I can label it now.

[797] Oh, we couldn't label it.

[798] The Brian Callan show before?

[799] Not as much.

[800] This is more specific and it's kind of what I think about.

[801] And man -thoughts can comprise a lot of different things.

[802] But I'm trying to think of what, I'm going to, I got to make some T -shirts that I would wear.

[803] Because, you know, I don't know.

[804] And not that I even want to sell them, I'm just, I'm just going to, like, I'm particular about my T -shirts.

[805] How about just little tiny cocks all over?

[806] There you go.

[807] A sea of box.

[808] How about an image, an image, really cool image, an image of Ronald Reagan, but it's all made out of Cox?

[809] No, I should have called my podcast Cox.

[810] Cox.

[811] Yeah, why not?

[812] Dick.

[813] That's a funny name for a company.

[814] Dick.

[815] But doesn't someone has Dick House or something?

[816] Yeah, that's, isn't that, Johnny Knoxville?

[817] Yeah.

[818] Yeah.

[819] My buddy's doing a movie with him.

[820] Yeah, you can get away with that.

[821] It's weird.

[822] Like, you could, I watched CNN the other day, and there was, there's a band in Russia called Pussy Riot.

[823] Pussy Riot.

[824] Yeah, that's right.

[825] Yeah, that's right.

[826] They broke into a church.

[827] Yeah, they got arrested.

[828] Two years in jail.

[829] And, yeah, they got, they got sentenced to, like, two years in jail.

[830] And so everybody was having a demonstration.

[831] They had these giant signs that said, free pussy riot.

[832] and here CNN is showing this on CNN and I'm sitting in front of the TV and these giant signs say free pussy riot and I'm like wow that's hilarious like what a weird loophole by the way because they called it pussy riot they have to show what these guys are that's blatantly obscene yeah it is free pussy riot but it's on the news you know I was on a plane one time and the guy started having an argument with the stewardess before we took off all of a sudden he's just saying he's not being a dick he's just saying some things like well I'm not trying to cause a problem here you know something like oh there's a guy I'm going to cause a riot whatever and so next thing you know marshals are on the plane they take them off the plane what's going on well you're not allowed to use the word riot we have certain trigger words that we have to report because you could have been a terrorist you were trying to incite violence and this is the kind of fucking bureaucratic shit we deal with him that's what happens when you have these blanket laws and these absolute rules.

[833] It's too many fucking laws.

[834] There's too much ridiculous going on.

[835] And I'm reading a book about it.

[836] I think it's not a bad, not such a bad law.

[837] There's a lot to like about it.

[838] But do you know how many pages the Obamacare Act is?

[839] You know how many pages?

[840] How many?

[841] The bill?

[842] $2 ,400.

[843] No, who reads it?

[844] Nobody, thank you.

[845] That's a good.

[846] And especially, you don't read, you also don't read the clauses you put in there.

[847] Who reads it?

[848] A handful of reporters from the New York Post who put out a book called Landmark that I'm reading now that really explains what the Obamacare bill does and what it means for us.

[849] Isn't that the thing about bills that they'll sneak shit in that has almost nothing to do with the name of the bill just so that they can get it in stuff they've been trying to get in before?

[850] Yes.

[851] My father said the best thing about it.

[852] My father said Washington, he spent a lot of time on Capitol Hill and he said, and this is a podcast, he goes, Washington is in the business of intent.

[853] What that means is that you have a bill.

[854] You want to create universal health care, you want to do whatever.

[855] These are good ideas.

[856] That is the intention.

[857] What happens with a Goliath, a Goliath, like the federal government, is that there are so many vested interests that find their way into that law.

[858] So if you want me to vote for it, that's fine.

[859] You've got to do something for my constituency, which means I've got to put this clause in page 500.

[860] Nobody's going to read it anyway.

[861] Don't worry about it.

[862] And before you know it, that law that passed, just like the marijuana laws, there is a cottage industry that grows up around those laws that have a vested interest in keeping that law no matter whether it makes sense or not.

[863] And that's what happens.

[864] That's all of a sudden everybody's drinking out of the government trough.

[865] It comes down to a very simple question.

[866] It's not Republican or Democrat.

[867] This is why you say, do you want the majority of our resources in Washington under this massive roof or does it make sense to spread the resources somewhere else?

[868] That's the big question.

[869] And I happen to believe it's better to keep resources out of Washington because something that big can't help but create.

[870] The real problem is you can't untangle it now.

[871] It's so far fucking tangled.

[872] Yeah.

[873] Do you think, do you, how do you think, do you know the kind of tax breaks pharmaceutical companies get because they own the FDA?

[874] Nobody else can break into the drug business, you know why?

[875] Because they own the scientists basically that say, yay or nay, it takes, what, 12 or 13 years to get a drug patent?

[876] you've got to go through all the tests and their scientists go wait a minute got to be very careful they all take money from Pfizer etc yeah of course well that's what we were talking about before the podcast when it came to our hemp force protein it's we have to buy all of our hemp Canada because the pharmaceutical companies have bribed these fucking corrupt politicians and made sure that it's illegal the federal federal government by the way the state government is voted for it and the whole thing is supposed to be that states are allowed to make their own laws.

[877] The federal government is not supposed to interfere with things along these lines and they don't give a fuck.

[878] They'll put you in jail if you just grow hemp, which is a cousin of marijuana.

[879] Let me tell you another story that's really interesting.

[880] A friend of mine unfortunately has pancreatic cancer.

[881] I lost my other friend to it about three months ago, but suddenly my friend's mom, stepmom has it.

[882] And she went to a doctor.

[883] The doctor gave her a chemo protocol.

[884] Just like with my friend was given a chemo protocol.

[885] And these are very good doctors a very well -renowned hospital.

[886] And the drugs cost a fortune.

[887] It wasn't working that well.

[888] They finally get into the most famous doctor in the world for pancreatic cancer at UCLA, whose chemo protocol extends a lot of lives way beyond what you're supposed to do with the pancreatic cancer.

[889] He said, basically, he said, why are you on this?

[890] He said, he said, oh, I'm going to change your chemo, and it's going to be a lot cheaper.

[891] And they said, what do you mean?

[892] He said, well, Eli Whitney put out something that cost $30 ,000 a year, but it was the exact same thing as the generic drug or whatever the other chemo was that was $300 a year.

[893] But Eli Whitney claimed it was better.

[894] So every doctor to this day, and I'm going to just follow me, every doctor to this day prescribes the Eli Whitney drug, which is 30 times more expensive.

[895] Now, ready?

[896] The Eli Whitney was challenged in court.

[897] This doctor was one of the people to say, it's bullshit.

[898] It is actually not as effective.

[899] This one, which is much cheaper.

[900] It's been around much longer.

[901] It's just as effective.

[902] Eli Whitney paid a fine for it.

[903] It was worth it to Eli Whitney to pay that fine and be dishonest because people still, they're not following all the tort laws and they're not following all the cases.

[904] Doctors all over the country still prescribed the Eli Whitney drug even though it is not as good as the one they could because they don't know anybody better because Because they thought, because Eli Whitney hired this huge marketing campaign, they thought that's the drug to do now.

[905] The real problem is that nobody calls them on it.

[906] That's right.

[907] Well, even if you do, it costs them $20 million when they make billions of dollars.

[908] So again, these are massive companies that don't really, that have, you know, have basically hired who they want to defend them and behave inappropriately.

[909] I'm being, I'm not saying all big farm is bad.

[910] I'm not saying everybody's there.

[911] I think anytime you have four major players and nobody can get into your fucking industry, it's not good for capitalism, it's not capitalism, it's not a free market, and it's not good for our health, and it's not good for humanity as a whole.

[912] So that's what it is.

[913] The real problem is how do you untangle it?

[914] I mean, there's so much money invested in keeping government exactly the way it is.

[915] There's only one way.

[916] How is that?

[917] You've got to starve government.

[918] Now, that's where the libertarian notion of the Kato Institute basically says there's responsible tax while you have to have some taxes but but you the only way the only way we're ever going to get out of this and not become western europe or worse is by by starving that that massive leviathan of resources yeah it is a problem when you create a bunch of different government jobs like you know there's a lot of people that rallied to keep drugs illegal and one of them is the unions that control guards prison guard prison guard unions and they they spend a lot of money from their dues that they get from their workers in order to keep drug laws the same because that's what keeps them working and what's bolstering the argument is not a philosophy it is self -interest yes absolutely self -interest and it's scary that that works it's scary that that would be allowed it's scary that that doesn't prompt some i mean if you were an insider trading guy and you just knew that some company was about to go under and you got rid of your stock you could go to fucking jail for that how come you can't go to jail for that how come you can't go to jail for that how come you can't go to jail because you are, you're working to keep drug laws, which everybody has shown are ridiculous.

[919] And most people believe are completely ridiculous despite the massive amount of propaganda.

[920] What you do, the way you do it is you get yourself informed, get yourself informed, get yourself organized.

[921] And what happens is it takes a long time.

[922] But pretty soon, more and more people start to say, even if I don't smoke weed, this is a ridiculous law that's put so many people in jail for a long, long time.

[923] Not only at taxpayer extent, it's ruined families and everything else.

[924] And when are we going to come to our senses and realize that this should not be illegal?

[925] And if you get enough people behind a politician, things start to change.

[926] The way you do it, though, is through information.

[927] And also, my biggest problem with government now is I don't feel like I'm represented.

[928] I just feel like...

[929] Well, you're not.

[930] Yeah.

[931] There no one is anymore.

[932] I mean, Obama's not even represented.

[933] That's where special interests are, that's the problem.

[934] They're supposed to cancel each other out and they're not.

[935] Yeah, him as a human, he's not represented.

[936] I don't think that guy has any say in what the fuck happens.

[937] I really don't.

[938] I think the whole thing is completely ridiculous.

[939] Well, he can't do a thing without Congress.

[940] I mean, you know, that's not necessarily bad.

[941] I mean, but you don't necessarily want a president to have too much power.

[942] But the president sets the agenda.

[943] And the president's responsible, he's always going to set the agenda, but also, also at the end of the day, there are a lot of decisions where he's presented with six different options from six different interest groups and he's got to make a decision and piss off the other five yeah but he's don't don't chew in front of the camera bro that's disgusting i know i got i got i looked at that pickle and i was like i got he can't do that you can't chew in a microphone i know it's a little bit the united states won't they won't take that it's probably the nsatrate act this uh this uh this william bini is this guy who's the nsa mathematician that i was telling you about earlier um i I've been obsessed with this guy since we had David Seaman on Monday, who's a congressional candidate in Florida.

[944] And this former NSA director after 9 -11, this guy is a mathematician, one of the world's renowned mathematicians.

[945] And what he did was create a method for the government to track dangerous individuals and track people.

[946] but it turned out that the government just used it openly on everyone.

[947] And so he had to leave.

[948] What a surprise.

[949] They just decided to just literally every phone call that you make, if this guy's correct, and he is the guy who fucking coded this shit, if every phone call that you make, every text message you make, every email you make goes into a database.

[950] And the government is in Utah building a gigantic structure that will literally house everything you do, say, watch online, all your internet history, All that shit will be stored.

[951] So if they ever want to just anything they want to know about you, anything, all they have to do is just pull that shit up.

[952] Guys, if you want to see somebody who really sat around and thought about this stuff and made the argument for why that's not good, just YouTube Milton Friedman.

[953] Well, let's before that, before that, let's not get people confused.

[954] Let's let's have people just check out this story.

[955] And the guy's name is Benny, B -I -N -N -E -Y.

[956] And just go and read up on this because just this alone, it's gonna fuck with your head and what are they doing that's important chopping wood no you hear that banging it's like someone's got a drum fucking wives don't you think they could keep the kids from banging on a drum in the hallway no that's passive aggressive shit right there buddy that's what that is you know they don't they don't like the fact that we're in here having fun you know what my mother used to do to get my father to get back to my dad for years the household I grew up and my dad would always travel and pain the ass a lot of pressure and everything else my mother would she'd always have part of the house being worked on by men.

[957] She'd just have part of the house always not in repair.

[958] Women love that shit.

[959] And my father used to be in a bad mood.

[960] He wouldn't know why.

[961] My mother's like, oh, I'm just having the kitchen redone for the second time.

[962] Yeah, always.

[963] They love doing that.

[964] They love it.

[965] They love, like, changing things.

[966] Well, because they're not.

[967] They don't have, yeah.

[968] They're nesting.

[969] Yeah, exactly.

[970] It's different.

[971] Like, you could live in a log cabin easy, right?

[972] What?

[973] Me too.

[974] When I was in college, it was three guys, okay?

[975] We didn't do the dishes for one month.

[976] We had sprouts growing out of the drain for real, okay?

[977] Finally, then my girlfriend came over, she was like so appalled.

[978] She goes, I have to clean this.

[979] I can't take it.

[980] I can't be around here.

[981] It smells like a greenhouse.

[982] Yeah.

[983] I mean, you know, guys are pigs.

[984] Folks, so this Benny guy, you got to, you got to, there's YouTube videos if you don't want to, to sit and read something.

[985] National Security Agency, whistleblower, William Benny.

[986] look into that because this is we've turned a corner in our society where this is it's an us against them shit and it shouldn't be and remember also that every totalitarian state and every state that took control and power over people used national security and domestic security and the threat of terrorism etc as an excuse to take away your liberty it's so old school you would think it's always been done I would think that that generation had already moved out of business.

[987] I hate to think that the generation coming up is going to go business as usual, because in my mind, this generation, the generation that's of age, of adult age now, grew up with the Internet, and that generation is a different group of human beings vastly, vastly different different than anybody that grew up in the 60s or 70s.

[988] It's a completely different animal.

[989] Thomas Jefferson said the price of freedom is eternal.

[990] vigilance.

[991] And part of that, what he's trying to say, I think in a lot of ways, is that you may have your freedom, but just know that it can be taken away from you a lot faster than you think.

[992] So you've got to be very aware of the signs.

[993] That's why you read history.

[994] Because your perspective and you real, and you can recognize patterns and destructive patterns and destructive parts of thought.

[995] Right, but nobody saw this coming.

[996] Nobody saw the ability to do this coming.

[997] My mother saw it coming.

[998] She saw them monitoring.

[999] The NSA had math There are a lot of people that saw this coming that I talked to.

[1000] But the fact that it's already going on, unless William Binney had stepped out and put his, by the way, they broke into his house and stuck a fucking gun in his face too.

[1001] The FBI came into his house and raided it.

[1002] And he never did anything wrong.

[1003] Not that?

[1004] Didn't do anything wrong.

[1005] The whole thing is crazy.

[1006] We have just a really fucking creepy corrupt government.

[1007] Being in control of that which governs you, which is what our country is based on has always been a very tenuous, fragile arrangement.

[1008] and it's got to be defended every minute of the day.

[1009] They just need to stop.

[1010] We need to have new people in government and with the new transparency that exists because of the Internet, you're going to be able to still run things.

[1011] But you can't run things as corrupt as they've been running forever.

[1012] And everybody just wants to keep doing it.

[1013] We were talking about circumcision or bullfighting or anything that's ridiculous that's old.

[1014] It's in nature's government.

[1015] It's not people.

[1016] it's the bigger it becomes the bigger it becomes government needs a job and what is that job to either tax or pass laws both of them of course measures you you are going to have the bigger government grows the more history shows you the bigger government grows the more the more you know the more power they get over you as an individual and that just pick up a history book man yeah but is there a way to pull it back that's the question that's the biggest question That's the biggest question.

[1017] There's a way to run things.

[1018] There's a way where people pay a fair amount.

[1019] There's a way where we keep a real military that keeps us from ever being at the mercy of an evil dictator or an evil country.

[1020] Is there a way to do that and still be a good country and still not be completely and totally corrupt?

[1021] Yes.

[1022] You educate yourself and you get informed.

[1023] I'll stop with the educate yourself.

[1024] That's not going to stop them from running over you.

[1025] You don't have that much power.

[1026] You've got to vote for, you got to make noise.

[1027] Is voting real?

[1028] If it is, why did Ron Paul, I mean, why did he lose two states that he clearly won?

[1029] Do you know that there's plenty of evidence online, and there's plenty of videos that show in Maine, and there was one other state where Ron Paul should have won, and they hit it, they covered it.

[1030] I think that our voting is...

[1031] I think that our voting process is fairly, is actually, compared to most parts of the world, that's pretty good good.

[1032] Did you see hacking democracy?

[1033] No. Hacking democracy makes a very strong argument that the Bush -Cerry election was bought, That if you watch the video, it's a documentary on HBO when they show that they engineered in a third -party entrant into these voting machines.

[1034] And the guy on the show, Diebold had to change their name.

[1035] They're not Diebold anymore.

[1036] There's something else.

[1037] The guy on the show showed how he can alter the results of any election.

[1038] It doesn't surprise me. So what do we do?

[1039] That's a good question.

[1040] The internet.

[1041] That's what I think.

[1042] I think the only thing that's going to save us is the young people coming up know that this is a different world.

[1043] know that this is a world that if you're going to be a politician you're going to be completely you've got to be transparent everything's going to be transparent every move you make and you can't get away with doing things that we've done for for decades and decades before it's a totally new game yeah that's the only thing that makes sense to me you know it's the idea of overthrowing the government like that is that really fucking necessary like everybody's getting bonkers about that you're not going to overthrow the government first of all it's not a question of there are ways to overthrow or change the power structure or make it smaller Well, it's also people recognize in this country, especially, that we are the cops.

[1044] We are the military.

[1045] It's not, the actual elite is these creepy bankers, and there's only a fucking small handful of them.

[1046] And if the military doesn't listen, if the government doesn't listen, then it doesn't...

[1047] Take your phone away from the table, please.

[1048] Take your phone?

[1049] Yeah.

[1050] It's making that, do -d -d -d -da -d -da -da -da -da.

[1051] If that's...

[1052] If we do that...

[1053] Yeah.

[1054] See, the phones, especially CDMA phones, or...

[1055] GSM phones.

[1056] There's a signal that picks up.

[1057] It does it in your car sometimes.

[1058] They're doing your car in your stereo.

[1059] He goes, do, do, do, do, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my phone.

[1060] Yeah, that's your phone.

[1061] It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's if you had, yeah, if you had Verizon, it wouldn't do it as easily.

[1062] So it's sort of a different frequency, apparently.

[1063] Yeah, CDMA is an older frequency, the, the, the frequency that Verizon uses, but apparently it, uh, it's, it's, it's more robust, goes deeper into buildings.

[1064] But more countries have GSM.

[1065] My iPhone has both.

[1066] So if I go on the road, it's Verizon phone.

[1067] So if I go on the road, if I'm in England, it'll work in England because they only have GSM.

[1068] They gave up on our stupid CDMA.

[1069] Really?

[1070] Yeah.

[1071] Yeah.

[1072] But I just, I just, when it comes to these fucking conversations, they always seem so circular.

[1073] Like they never really go anywhere.

[1074] Because they're frustrating because you don't, you don't really know what the hell to do about this problem.

[1075] That's the, that's what's scary about it.

[1076] That's the biggest threat is the growth of the state.

[1077] The real question is, does voting really work anymore?

[1078] And if voting doesn't really work, we've got a real fucking problem.

[1079] It's a really good question, because what you start to realize, there's not a major difference between candidates, is there?

[1080] No. I mean, all of a sudden you go, well, there's not a big difference.

[1081] People are disenfranchised.

[1082] I mean, people aren't voting.

[1083] Young people aren't as angrier in the streets because you can't really necessarily make a difference.

[1084] Maybe that's how people have always felt.

[1085] I do think people felt that way in the 60s, actually.

[1086] which is why they got into the streets and they tried to make a lot of noise but I'm not advocating that either they didn't have the amount of movement that we have today they didn't have the ability to do things organized and look governments were taken down with Facebook Facebook took down governments Twitter took down governments but there are a lot of people arguing and making very good arguments like the Cato Institute this libertarian think tank about what that's why sometimes you just say philosophically philosophically nobody wants people to go hungry and stuff philosophically though as government gets bigger more and more people will start manipulating and getting their hands into the cookie jar it doesn't do anybody any good man yeah there's no way there's no way to stop that once it gets to a certain size it's unmanageable government should be treated like a necessary evil not this massive socially social machine that that engineers equality artificially it can't do that never has been able to do that and it's not and it shouldn't do that how gross was that Obama statement.

[1087] If you have a small business, you didn't build that by yourself.

[1088] Well, exactly.

[1089] You know why?

[1090] Because he's never run a business in himself.

[1091] That's my knock on that guy.

[1092] Don't think he's a bad guy.

[1093] Don't think he's not a smart guy.

[1094] I don't think that guy's ever lived in the real fucking world.

[1095] He was a community organizer and an academic.

[1096] I don't want that guy running running shit.

[1097] And if Romney wasn't so crazy with his religion and stuff, I would be like, well, he was kind of a stud businessman, but I don't even know what he stands for.

[1098] He hasn't come clean with his tax returns.

[1099] He's a creep.

[1100] He's a fucking Mormon.

[1101] He's a Mormon.

[1102] He's an old creep.

[1103] He's a creep.

[1104] His wife is made out of plastic.

[1105] His whole family lives in the dark.

[1106] They're crazy.

[1107] And he's just going to do whatever the fuck they tell him.

[1108] I always tell people, if you want to know about Mitt Romney, there's a video online where he gets confronted by a guy in a wheelchair who needs medical marijuana.

[1109] And Mitt Romney shrugs this guy off like he doesn't exist.

[1110] Yeah, of course he'd have to in that situation.

[1111] Well, I don't believe in medical marijuana.

[1112] And he just gets away from the guy.

[1113] He's a robot.

[1114] But I will say that in Massachusetts, the guy actually spent a lot of time on the other side of the aisle and got a lot of shit done, including universal health care and balancing the budget.

[1115] You can't take that away from him.

[1116] And by the way, he was a stud, you know, Bain Capital.

[1117] That's all good and well.

[1118] I don't create a lot of jobs.

[1119] I don't think that works.

[1120] On a federal level, I don't think you get that kind of ability.

[1121] Well, that's, maybe not.

[1122] I think you can really be a real governor.

[1123] I don't think you can be a real president.

[1124] I just, I think when it gets to that level, when it comes to.

[1125] especially with things like war, governments don't have to do, state governments don't have to worry about war.

[1126] When you get to a federal level and you're dealing with multi -billion dollar contracts and you're dealing with, you know, the pull -out of the troops in Afghanistan.

[1127] It's what I was telling you.

[1128] I talked to this, my buddy, who's a real CIA guy, and I had him do my podcast, and I called him Mr. Pink because he just was like, you know, it was really weird.

[1129] He's so smart, and he's really the real deal.

[1130] And I said, what do you, give me some stuff about the Iraq war.

[1131] And we went in there because of this and that.

[1132] And he goes, man, he was like this.

[1133] he was like yeah i mean i guess you could say that but really you know what i think it is i go what he goes i think it's just a bunch of interests that get together and it's snowballs and before you know it a lot of people are going to make a lot of money on this notion and a lot of people get an idea and somebody picks up on it and they just assume it's true and before you know it you got this fucking machine that ain't going to stop for anybody and and he was really kind of matter of fact about it and i was like geez this is an inside guy who spent seven years there and here he is telling me this he goes he goes listen dude he goes they spent a hundred thousand dollars importing sand in so that they could play volleyball in the desert you're like yeah we talked about this once before how much corruption how much you know waste there is and you know we've all heard of the five hundred dollar hammers and all the stupid shit that you know it was on no accountability man yeah no accountability it's government you know the idea that it's all tax money and what happened with the banking industry i mean investment banks used to have to gamble with their own money then they became public and all of a sudden they're using your money to experiment and you had these cowboys who were like let's fucking leverage it 40 times i'm being simplistic but that's kind of what happened yeah well benny was talking the mathematician who uh the nsa guy was talking about other things that the nsa had funded to try to do the same thing that didn't work that they spent billions of dollars on billions of dollars of your dollars of your dollars by the way that they don't that's the craziest thing about your taxes you pay whatever you pay 20 % I don't know where it goes.

[1134] You don't even fucking get, you can't even request it.

[1135] You can't say, hey, I would like to know, you know, what, how much my money are you spending it?

[1136] Is there a website I could go to?

[1137] Like, maybe they don't send it to you, but you could go, oh, hey, Mr. Callan, yeah, well, you paid $70 ,000 in taxes last year.

[1138] And your money went to, you know, no, go fuck yourself.

[1139] They don't even make it up for you.

[1140] They just take it.

[1141] YouTube, again, besides this Benny Guy, also YouTube, Milton Friedman, who won a Nobel Prize.

[1142] for economics and just YouTube and listen to his debates.

[1143] Just listen to his debates.

[1144] It's really easy to follow and all he talks about is personal liberty.

[1145] They go, you're a conservative because I don't like that word.

[1146] I believe in liberty.

[1147] So whatever I am, I'm very liberal.

[1148] Yeah, it gets weird when you go conservative or liberal because people like to attach themselves to ideologies and they will find like an area where they can operate in.

[1149] They feel more comfortable to being a liberal, then you feel more comfortable being a conservative.

[1150] And they just, they, they, they They have no open -mindedness.

[1151] They're like teams.

[1152] They're on a team.

[1153] Exactly, exactly.

[1154] They just lock on to Team Mac.

[1155] I'm on Team PC.

[1156] I like Android phones.

[1157] I'm a Windows man myself.

[1158] I've got a Windows phone.

[1159] Whereas if you talk about liberty, you're talking about a philosophy and an idea.

[1160] That's what I like to talk about.

[1161] I like having discussions based on the ideas and philosophies, the underpinnings.

[1162] Of course.

[1163] Don't label me a Republican, Democrat, even a libertarian.

[1164] I want to talk about ideas.

[1165] and develop a philosophy.

[1166] But isn't it weird that that fucking shit works, that conservative liberal shit works?

[1167] Look, and it works, by the way, with liberals just as bad as for conservatives.

[1168] Nothing drives me fucking nutty, more than hypocritical liberals who talk about Republicans being prejudiced, and then they're completely prejudiced against anybody who has any ideas remotely different from theirs.

[1169] It's so weird.

[1170] That whole, like, artificial, sensitivity, you know, like you've, you've adopted what is like a chic style, a cool style of thinking, you know, this is the, this is a progressive style.

[1171] You know, people we also, my father was talking about tyranny of language.

[1172] There's a tyranny of language in this country where one side will garner a sort of a patent on, we are the progressives.

[1173] We are the, well, I haven't believed we should legalize gay marriage and drugs and a lot of other things.

[1174] That makes me pretty progressive, but at the same time, I want a small government so that I could be considered a conservative as well, because I don't want, I don't want all these vested interests in my fucking, but that's the question is how do you uncurl it?

[1175] But now, but that's, how do you uncurl it?

[1176] But if I start talking about, if I start, if I start talking about small government, people go, you're a Republican.

[1177] Well, no, I'm not actually, because I'm pro -choice and, you know, a lot of other things.

[1178] So don't call me, and I'm not a Christian.

[1179] So let's, let's relax with this stuff, you know.

[1180] So, so there is a tyranny of language in this country.

[1181] and there always has been in political, in political culture.

[1182] You, you, you, there's a really good book called Don't Think of an Elephant.

[1183] Did I ever tell you about this book?

[1184] No. It's written by David Fromm, who talks about, and I think his name is David Fromm, forgive me if it's not, but he talks about how, how effective it is when you, when you say this is the Patriot Act.

[1185] How do you vote against the Patriot Act, for example?

[1186] You're not going to vote against, you're not a patriot if you vote against the Patriot Act.

[1187] And there are a lot of things you can do as a political force to hijack your position by making it very inconvenient and sound bad when you vote against your agenda.

[1188] You can't vote against the Patriots.

[1189] How do you change it, Joe?

[1190] How do you change it?

[1191] I don't know.

[1192] I'm still trying to figure it out.

[1193] The only thing that I can think is you've got to change young people.

[1194] And you've got to have the people that are going into it like this guy that we had, David Seaman, who was on Monday.

[1195] It's in his 20s, 26 years old.

[1196] Wow.

[1197] That's the running for Congress.

[1198] Yeah.

[1199] That's the kind of guy, and very articulate, very bright.

[1200] That's the kind of guys you need.

[1201] You need young kids that are coming out of college.

[1202] And they understand the way the world works a million times better than some fucking dummy who grew up in the land of books and crayons.

[1203] Amos Oz, who's a famous Israeli writer, was saying, he said, the way you beat, they were talking about Hamas.

[1204] And Hamas is a terrorist organization.

[1205] He said, he had a problem with Israel going and assassinating Hamas leaders.

[1206] And he said, the way you beat Hamas is not with guns because Hamas is an idea.

[1207] And they said, well, what do we do?

[1208] And he said, the way you beat a bad idea like Hamas is with a better idea.

[1209] And that's a really powerful statement.

[1210] It is powerful.

[1211] Come up and remember that this country, this country is an idea, is an ideal.

[1212] And in a lot of ways, those men in those founding fathers solved a political problem.

[1213] The Constitution is an amazing thing.

[1214] And it's being jacked, left and right.

[1215] But remember that it's a very powerful idea.

[1216] fighting for it.

[1217] Obama has done more to harm the Constitution than any president before him.

[1218] What he's done by past the National Defense Authorization Act is nothing short of what you should have considered as treasonous.

[1219] Someone in the past would consider as treasonous.

[1220] The ability to detain people with no warrant, the ability to hold them with no recourse whatsoever.

[1221] They don't have the right to a trial.

[1222] They don't have anything that we're supposed to be standing for in America.

[1223] Isn't that though for foreign enemies?

[1224] No!

[1225] No!

[1226] No!

[1227] No. No. No, no, no. No, it's for anyone that they deem to be an enemy of the state.

[1228] Wow.

[1229] National, we were allowed to use, he is now, rather, allowed to use the military to quell any dissent inside our borders.

[1230] Are you sure that this is.

[1231] Yes, posse chryomatitis, done.

[1232] He's trying to get it through.

[1233] No, it's passed.

[1234] National Defense Authorization Act.

[1235] The Senate passed it.

[1236] Obama said he was going to veto it didn't veto it no one vetoed it no one passed it I don't I don't think they get a say I really don't I think when you got a company like Halliburton and then has fucking billions of dollars and they're they're profiting in mad crazy ways from his fucking war I don't think anybody gets a say I think that influence the influence of that money is so strong it's so sharp they can't avoid it I hope you're wrong I'm not wrong I'm not wrong but you you may not be wrong and so in that case I'm not wrong at all you not to be cynical how do you not know about this we've talked about this before i mean reading reading reading this this book i keep talking about you read this nonsense reading this book i just keep talking called called the china study is a classic example this guy does such an amazing job of of saying what you're saying how we are no longer all of a sudden your kid at school is is being fed all different kinds of food that is not only making them sick but fat yeah that's but listen man you can give your kid food okay that's that's a terrible thing and everything what your kid's fed at school you can bring a lunch that's not as bad as what the fuck is happening the ability to have people arrested with no recourse man you're we're literally literally in a i didn't read an approved so dude i talked to you about this a while ago man national defense authorization act it's a terrifying thing that was passed terrifying all this shit that's going on with wiki leaks where they're trying to pull this guy out of the ecuadorian embassy in london julya they're they're letting everybody know that the rules are fake like well that rule well he's actually wanted for sexual assault in Sweden.

[1237] Sweden's not wanted for sexual assault.

[1238] Don't say that.

[1239] He's wanted for surprise sex.

[1240] Surprise sex is yeah you son of a bitch shut it off you can't you're a junkie I was trying to look up no I'm trying to look up the uh that act oh surprise sex is what he's wanted for what do you mean surprise sex what's apparently had sex with a condom on and they were sleeping in bed together and with no condom he slipped it in and there's photos of her hanging out with him two days later like all paling around Look, what he did was kind of creepy But guess what, you're not supposed to sleep naked with a guy If you don't want him stick his bone or in That's just what dudes do We're gross, we're gross creepy animals Of course He's wanted Well, it's not even that I don't know how many times back in the day I'd be like, I don't have any diseases Don't worry about it.

[1241] Let me just feel it for a second Just the tip Roll the dice Well, that's what he did He's a scumbbag Sex scambler But a lot of guys are There's a video of him dancing By himself You mean a guy?

[1242] Yeah, a guy Just regular guy There's a video of him dancing by himself.

[1243] It's just him on a dance floor getting his groove on and it's so darky and creepy.

[1244] You watch and it's just like, oh, geez, look at this guy is so weird.

[1245] Is he French or where is he from?

[1246] Is he Swiss?

[1247] I don't know.

[1248] I think he's American.

[1249] Isn't he American?

[1250] I think he's Swedish.

[1251] Assange?

[1252] Yeah, I don't think he's American.

[1253] You are a fucking agent of disinformation.

[1254] You work for Fox News, bro.

[1255] I'm just saying I think.

[1256] I don't know.

[1257] If you want to see a great, man, John Stewart debates John O 'Reilly, Bill O 'Reilly And he does such a great job He did he really?

[1258] I thought he just jokes up with him He fucking made fun of Fox in such a good way though He just exposed him Yeah And I read to a Bill O 'Reilly's Oh he's Australian That's what he is Yeah I knew he had something There was something weird going on Might as well be American Have you been Australian Love it You do?

[1259] I went to Sydney They're fucking They have Australia is They're like A little more relaxed than us A little more down to party little you know they're fun people yeah they're just different i like australians i've actually never met an australian who's a dick i have two friends that are really famous in australia and not famous here arge barker who's like kind of does well here and eddy if but eddy if yeah and both of them are fucking you especially arge arge is gigante in australia yeah man he's like fucking justin bieber over there like he can't walk down the street in australia yeah and they love him in australia but in america is like barely hanging on you know he comes over here and just fucking half filled crowds and shit doesn't make any sense he goes over there he fills out auditoriums every night really yeah he sold out some crazy shit like 18 nights in a row in a theater there that's a million dollars yeah it's at least i'll do that yeah it might be more than a million by the way 18 nights yeah australia i'm coming it's like two million i've been offered a couple times and it's just like i'm always like we're gonna fly my first class well we don't have it in the budget i'm like fuck you that budget well it's a 25000 dollar fucking ticket in first class that's why they they're put you on one of those A380s and you get like a little apartment yeah that's what first class says but if you don't do that then you're stuck in a cramped spot for 16 hours and it sucks I'll do business class business class because I flew first class to Thailand I was doing a hangover two and I that was that was that was that I got off the plane I was a year older that was so fucking long it took me and I was sitting first class and it was like luxurious and everything else I had all Thai Taiwanese airline or whatever it was it was unbelievable but you know what too long yeah And you feel like shit for days.

[1260] You know, they say that the radiation from those planes, when you're flying in high altitude, the radiation is way worse than the radiation you're getting when you're going through the metal detector.

[1261] Well, the air is also shitty too.

[1262] Shit, shit air.

[1263] And you've got to drink a lot of water.

[1264] I do.

[1265] A lot of the hangover feeling that people get.

[1266] Dehydration.

[1267] Yeah, dehydration.

[1268] Drink a lot of water.

[1269] Eat something very nutritious.

[1270] Alpha brain helps a lot.

[1271] It's fantastic for jet lag.

[1272] Really?

[1273] Yeah.

[1274] Fantastic for jet lag and fantastic.

[1275] for when you don't get enough sleep because that's one of the main reasons that you have that sort of like a foggy misfiring sort of a brain when you're hung over or when you jet lagged so you're neurotransmit Mike Young said he goes you and Rogan I've been with you guys in the road you guys don't need any sleep I don't know how you do it I was like I need sleep but if I'm having a good time I can go I can go because I was in Afghanistan and I didn't sleep for probably a week like like just very little I was still working out I was just so pumped and afraid at the same time so my adrenaline was just literally pumping for a week so I didn't even need any say I'd wake up two hours I'd be like all right when you got sold out shows and you're going to do a big giant fucking crowds waiting to see you you get fired up man I don't care if you're tired yeah you know and you have to you know that's I felt I felt sick with a fever I get on stage an hour and a half later I come off and I'm like I'm 100 % yeah you feel better yeah it's uh no one is ever gonna understand that feeling unless they've actually done it but there's a giant responsibility that you have after a while when people are coming to see you you remember when you would go to a comedy club and it was just like you happen to be headlining but nobody knew who the fuck you when i went out on that stage in front of your fans in Denver it was so loud it hurt my face i could feel the i could feel the sound ways on my face that was 2000 ravenous fans ravenous fans and the minute I walked out there they thought I was Joe Rogan they were on their feet literally like I was like oh okay this is a this is a whole different level yeah we just tell people what we're talking about we we pumped the crowd and Brian went on we said lazy and Joey Diaz brought me up but Brian went on stage instead it was a I recorded it actually Yeah.

[1276] It was really funny, though.

[1277] It was, uh, it was hilarious because it like they went on for a little while, but then they're like, hey, wait, what the fuck is going on here?

[1278] What's going on?

[1279] Let me see if I can find it.

[1280] You guys, don't forget about the 10 minute podcast.

[1281] We're number 15.

[1282] You're number 15 now?

[1283] 10 minute podcast is number, I think 15.

[1284] And last time I checked, I was number 14.

[1285] Oh, you said.

[1286] But I was nine.

[1287] I was nine yesterday, so it's pretty exciting.

[1288] Are you excited?

[1289] I love it.

[1290] Yeah, this is you.

[1291] and this is Joey Diaz about to bring me on listen to that crowd what's going on you're fucking freaks that's what I said and they still think I'm you crazy or you're me only people in the front row were like what the fuck's going on they were like do you lose a lot of weight does Joe have rickets they're still he's still on stage and now I got on stage and then I was like all right your fans are great too They were all they were literally all they all I couldn't get out of the foyer Well you hadn't seen it before and I told I remember telling you I'm like wait till Joey Geo Diaz goes on stage I go you're gonna see something that you've never seen before and I remember the look on your face you were like Holy shit this is crazy it's it's it's on a it's on a completely different level But did you ever think why do you think your podcast is so insanely popular?

[1292] I don't know people are connecting with it what are they connected with.

[1293] I am being as honest as humanly possible.

[1294] And I have a, I got a lot of interests.

[1295] I'm fascinated by things.

[1296] And I think people get to be fascinated along with me on this podcast.

[1297] And they know that if I'm telling you something, whether I'm right or wrong, it's because I truly honestly believe it.

[1298] It's because I've looked at it, I studied it, even if it doesn't make any sense.

[1299] Like Bigfoot, like Bigfoot talk.

[1300] I'm not willing to say that Bigfoot's not real.

[1301] you know and for a lot of people like as soon as you start saying shit like that you become an idiot you know as soon as you start saying things like you know you think maybe there might be uh intelligent life that's visited this planet thousands of years ago and actually made people out of monkeys like get the fuck out of here yeah i don't know you don't know you really don't just fact that people exist alone is bizarre enough to me to to leave open a billion different possibilities for how life is seated throughout the universe including life on earth But I'm not afraid of looking like a retard.

[1302] You know, I'm just, I'm not scared.

[1303] I think that's one of the reasons that I also think that I'm really impressed with, I think a lot of people, young men especially want to learn something.

[1304] Well, a lot of young men are demonized.

[1305] And we've got a real fucking problem in this country where we're suppressing masculinity.

[1306] We're not accepting the fact that men like manly shit.

[1307] We like V8s.

[1308] We like steaks.

[1309] We like Leonard Skinnered.

[1310] We like hunting and fishing and MMA.

[1311] And guess what?

[1312] You being prejudiced about that is just as bad as a man being sexist.

[1313] It's just as bad as a person being racist.

[1314] But you're judging and making people, you know how many times I felt bad for what I look like or who I am or what I like when I was a young man, especially.

[1315] Women, intellectuals, all these different people would like look down on you as if there was something wrong with you that you legitimately enjoyed what you enjoy without hurting anybody.

[1316] I always felt inappropriate.

[1317] And there's still a lot of circles while I come and I go, man I think in such a different way than these fucking people and I don't know it's just I always you feel like you're like you feel like you're doing something wrong when you're younger you're like yeah I just like rolling around on a mat or I like you know well we're not represented we're not represented because men when they reach a certain point in time they have to put on a fucking tie and some stupid shoes with slippery bottoms and go to some job that sucks that's the majority of men and so they're not really represented you know when a guy gets buck wild and lives like Mike Tyson he's not celebrated oh that's gonna he's gonna crash well Well, it's interesting because people want to censor you right away because I think you're a threat.

[1318] That's almost like there was a psychiatrist talking about male -female dynamics a lot of times.

[1319] And a lot of women will be really attracted to an alpha male.

[1320] And then what happens is, and it's very, very common, and it's a big problem in a relationship.

[1321] What they'll do is, and this guy's a couple's counselor who works with a lot of different couples.

[1322] What they'll do is, women will then be afraid that that aggression is going to be turned on them and their children.

[1323] So they'll take it out of the man. When they finally take it out of the man, a man gives up, it's like, fuck this.

[1324] I don't want to deal with all these.

[1325] attracted to them anymore.

[1326] You're not attracted to them anymore.

[1327] Yeah, it's a grand game.

[1328] So the point is, don't lose sight of who you are and what you're trying to do.

[1329] There's a great deal to learn and accomplish by embracing your masculinity.

[1330] You learn just as much trying to get your black belt in jiu -jitsu as you do getting a PhD in certain ways.

[1331] About yourself, I'm talking about.

[1332] Well, you learn more.

[1333] You learn more.

[1334] Listen, it's all relative, but what's important in this life is embrace what you enjoy and most men are not taught that most men are they're made to feel terrible about liking certain things and it's by the way it's just as masculine to play the flute if you play it really well no it is you know but but it is there are different forms and expressions of masculinity it's not you have to be hitting a bag and shit you know well I just think not even masculinity that's not even the word it's really honesty because I get a lot of positive messages from women it's like you're allowed to be yourself women should be into group my wife's in all kinds of girly shit i don't even try to understand it i don't understand i don't pretend but i don't judge her i mean she's she genuinely likes it there's people who genuinely like country music they genuinely like it they love it they want to hear it yeah there's nothing wrong with that man it's and the problem with a lot of people and a lot of liberals especially is that they will mock what you love if you don't like what they like they will try to marginalize your opinion you know and you know they'll do it by calling you a hyper masculine man that that's really an interesting way they marginalize your opinion they marginalize you and they do it through criticism and sometimes it can be effective criticism being very kind of glossy criticism where they're using big words and and they're they're comparing you to something and you don't really have necessarily the ammunition to fight back because you're not as good with language and all of a sudden you feel kind of without ammo well it might not even be that it might be that you haven't even thought about it and they've been working on this argument against who you are as a human being for most of their life because you're the type of person who's always rejected them you're the type of person that didn't think they were sexually attractive so it made them feel bad so now they've decided that these hyper masculine men who are not attracted to me or assholes ruining this earth meanwhile if that guy thought you were sexy and he liked to fuck you and you would like to fuck him and you were into like this hyper masculine guy sticking his big cock inside of you, then you'd have a different thing.

[1335] It's like, well, we think differently, but as long as you respects my space, I'll suck his cock.

[1336] But no, he doesn't want to fuck you.

[1337] So he's an enemy because he gives to you a bad feeling, a feeling of you not being attractive, a feeling of you being rejected.

[1338] It's the same thing with ugly men who become woman haters.

[1339] Their whole life, they've been rejected by women over and over and over again.

[1340] So they developed this, fuck these bitches, fuck these hoes.

[1341] They have this attitude towards women, fucking lesbian, that, fucking, that attitude is not much different than the really homely, ultra, you know, aggressive feminist woman who wants to attack everything that men are into.

[1342] Hyper -masculine rape supporters, rape culture, it's really a lot of the same thing.

[1343] It's finding someone who's different than you and conveniently putting them in a box so that anything that they enjoy, whether you enjoy it or not, anything that they enjoy becomes fodder.

[1344] Anything that they enjoy becomes something that you can use to dismiss them.

[1345] That kind of criticism becomes habitual, and it makes it impossible to actually achieve anything yourself when you walk around, like, such a good critic.

[1346] When you're a good critic, that same critic comes back to criticize you when you really try to do something.

[1347] Well, you have to be able to look at yourself and your own nonsense, and you also have to be able to look at how other people are going to view your own nonsense.

[1348] And just because you don't like something doesn't mean something is bad.

[1349] You know, it just means it's not for you.

[1350] And you can't marginalize someone based on what they like or what they don't like.

[1351] There's some brilliant people that like fucking pop music.

[1352] They are brilliant, but they like to get in their car and listen to stupid -ass fucking songs and sing along.

[1353] It's fun for them.

[1354] And it doesn't make them less of a human.

[1355] That's right.

[1356] We've got a real fucking problem in this country of looking for fault in other folks instead of first doing our own goddamn personal inventory first.

[1357] Get that shit out of the way first.

[1358] Concentrate on all your own issues because a lot of.

[1359] A lot of times the issues that you have in other people really are a reflection of how you view yourself when you're around that person.

[1360] Let me piggyback what you just said because a lot of times we, if somebody said, we live in a culture doesn't make you feel good about yourself.

[1361] And one of the things that this culture also does, advertising things, whatever it might be, but we live in a culture that gets you to think that there's something you have to add, you have to add to yourself.

[1362] When in fact, it's probably something you have to delete.

[1363] You have to take something away from yourself that isn't really you.

[1364] and just get back to who you really are.

[1365] It's a kind of a neat way of looking at kind of development and growth.

[1366] A lot of times I really think that stand -up and all the things I do are just bringing me back to who I've always been in a way.

[1367] It's a process of sort of distilling.

[1368] What I love about writing and stand -up is that as I do it, I start to realize in some ways I've always been writing about the same thing over and over again.

[1369] But in a way, I'm distilling who I really am.

[1370] I'm getting to the core essence of who I really am.

[1371] So now what I do, it's really, you know, at 45, now what I'm able to do is just sit and let things come to me a little bit more.

[1372] I don't have to reach as much.

[1373] Or I can just be and trust what's inside of me to do the job.

[1374] Well, you also get to a point where you stop trying to be someone else.

[1375] That's huge.

[1376] That's so huge.

[1377] And it takes a while, man. It takes a while.

[1378] And be easy on yourself, you know.

[1379] Don't be easy on yourself.

[1380] Don't listen to you.

[1381] What I mean by that is don't, don't be too critical of yourself.

[1382] Just know it's a process, it's a process, and keep doing it.

[1383] Don't listen, it's going to be painful as fuck.

[1384] Be very critical of yourself, or you're not going to get anywhere.

[1385] Well, be honest with yourself.

[1386] You and I were never critical with each other.

[1387] We were honest with each other, remember?

[1388] Very important.

[1389] And we still are.

[1390] Yeah, all the time.

[1391] We call each other and we're like, we have conversations where we're not critical because we love each other.

[1392] We're like, hey, dude, let me bring your attention to something you cannot be seeing.

[1393] But you know what?

[1394] In both of our credit, you, whenever you, whenever you, you've done that to me whenever I've done that to you you're always like yep you're right yeah thank you thank you very much I love it when you do that it's very important it's huge look I welcome that man that's when you know you have a real friend when someone like you calls and says hey dude you can do better and this is why or you know you're not living up to the dude at first you don't you don't want to hear it and maybe it'll bug you for a couple days it's beautiful learn to learn to love that shit don't take criticism from somebody doesn't know what they're doing and don't fucking just take blind criticism or or or people who want to humiliate you or get better be better than you with their stupid words i'm not talking about that i'm talking about somebody who can who's on your side who wants to give you constructive criticism embrace that shit man embrace it yeah it's just hard to find like -minded folks it's hard to find people that also have their shit together or want to get their shit together it's hard to find people who are also like on the right track and not trying to sabotage themselves all the time what i said before you sometimes you might have to change your gang you might have to change people you work run with well that's why when you and i first met i would get i would get mad these fucking idiots you were hanging out with and there was a difference between you and i so you would suffer all these fools and i would come along especially when i was young when i was me when matt we were in our 20s i was a savage you were a ball you were a ball of hate and energy i just wasn't into no one's nonsense if you were trying to push some nonsense on me no sorry dude and you'd see it you just be like this guy's a problem this guy's just nonsense he's talking nonsense he wants too much attention you gonna hang out with him because i'm getting out of here yep and that and that's the only way to live you were so good at removing yourself from any kind of suppressive energy dude you had guys around you that were straight con men it was really unfortunate to see impostors yeah i would be around you and you would bring these guys over like a party at your house or something like that yeah because i thought it didn't cost me anything it was fun look at this male hustler he has hanging out at his house like this guy could be doing anything you could be a fake psychic, he's fucking completely full of shit.

[1395] He's just decided that this is going to be his thing.

[1396] Man, is L .A. L .A. is so full of that shit too, man?

[1397] So full of broken people.

[1398] Who said somebody took the continental United States, turned it on his side and everything loose roll to California?

[1399] Well, you think about what California is.

[1400] It's two things that are weird about it.

[1401] One, it's people that weren't satisfied with the East Coast.

[1402] Everybody landed on the East Coast.

[1403] They came here to reinvent themselves.

[1404] They kept going.

[1405] They were willing to cross the fucking rocky mountains so just that the beginning is just crazy the fact that anybody knew that it was anything cool over here is crazy to begin with that you know the 20s they started doing where am i used to the weather though man i can i'll take it i don't want it anymore i want some rain i think i like the winter here the best because the winter it rains all the time it rains like once a week and that's what we fucking need man it's not natural to be living in a place where it doesn't rain and and when you really realize that is when there's fires i mean there's all these is fucking brush fires in California.

[1406] Every couple years or so there's a brush fire.

[1407] Well, you and I talk about moving to Colorado.

[1408] Dude, I'm down.

[1409] But Colorado just had massive fires as well.

[1410] We got to get ourselves a big plot of land and build some fucking...

[1411] I'm down.

[1412] Create a village, grow our own food.

[1413] Yes.

[1414] Have pigs.

[1415] We can shoot from a chopper.

[1416] Yeah.

[1417] That's very important.

[1418] Well, the pigs really can get out of hand when they're feral.

[1419] We've got to have a gym, a jitza gym.

[1420] Yes.

[1421] Rifle range.

[1422] By the way, fishing pond.

[1423] The tomorrow or the next day I'm going to be interviewing Nate Marquart of Strike Force Champion.

[1424] I'm looking forward to that.

[1425] In Colorado?

[1426] No, I'll be in Vegas this weekend at the Paris, ladies and gentlemen.

[1427] And what's he doing?

[1428] Is he training in Vegas?

[1429] He's a coach on the ultimate fighter.

[1430] He is?

[1431] Yes, so I'm going to go in there and meet the guys.

[1432] Oh, he's one of the assistant coaches for Big Country?

[1433] Yeah, I think so.

[1434] No, Shane Carwin.

[1435] Shane, of course.

[1436] Right, yeah.

[1437] Oh, that makes sense.

[1438] Yeah, Carlin and Big Country are eventually going to fight.

[1439] Carlin's got, man, that poor guy's had a lot of bad luck.

[1440] He just keeps getting these operations, you know, keeps getting injured.

[1441] Yeah, back operation, he's had to get his nose reconstructed, and then he broke it in the next fight, and fucked it up again.

[1442] It's such a hard job, and that's what kills me about a lot of these guys don't make enough money.

[1443] Yeah, it's tough.

[1444] They just need to.

[1445] What is, who do you think is the toughest heavy weight in the world?

[1446] Is it junior?

[1447] Well, Junior's the champ.

[1448] Until anybody beats Junior, you look at what Junior did to Kane Velaz.

[1449] Flasquez, and what a junior did to Frank Mere.

[1450] Junior's a bad motherfucker.

[1451] He's a better boxer.

[1452] He's a really good boxer.

[1453] He's really hard to take down.

[1454] And he's a really good MMA boxer.

[1455] And the difference between MMA boxing and boxing with big gloves is you can't protect yourself the same way with just like a high guard and blocking things because the gloves are small and they can slip through openings and catch your chin or catch your temple.

[1456] Whereas like you have the big gloves on, you can peck off a lot more shots.

[1457] Right.

[1458] And also an MMA box.

[1459] boxing, of course, you have to realize that with the smaller gloves, they can hit you and do more damage as well.

[1460] There's less padding on the glove.

[1461] So you can't take a shot that you might be able to take with a bigger glove.

[1462] The margin for error is way slimmer.

[1463] You make one mistake and get clipped right.

[1464] You're done.

[1465] So Junior's the best MMA boxer.

[1466] He's the best at MMA boxing, whereas, like, you know, Vladimir Klitschko would probably fuck him up at regular boxing.

[1467] It's a different style and also you know Frank Eggers I was I watched his his footwork is unbelievable oh yeah I mean that guy's always moving and hitting the same time did you think he won that fight I don't know I watched it and I watched it very closely and I can't make that call I think that at the end of the day what's his name was the champion you got to take the belt away from the chance they say they should decisively take it away well you know he he mean Frankie lost to him right before that I do know I do know that he's the toughest small man on the planet and i think that uh i mean ben henison's a lot bigger than physically you know yeah he is um but but that's part for the course for frankie anchor so i i don't know man i don't know enough about fighting honestly to be able to say i i don't know he's gonna go to one 45 now apparently uh but frankie frankie is yeah he's got aldo to contend with then yeah that scares me all those all those scary as fuck i don't know what you do with those leg kicks he's a beast and his knees too oh those knees he knocked chad menace out with a knee God.

[1468] He's a fucking bad.

[1469] Killers.

[1470] You look at every one of these weight classes, like the 55, 45, 45, and the 70.

[1471] They're just killers, man. For that matter, 85.

[1472] Yeah.

[1473] Well, that's what the whole sport is now.

[1474] What it's getting to be now is like all these guys who have no weaknesses.

[1475] They have great take down defense.

[1476] They have great stand up.

[1477] They have great.

[1478] I mean, all those world class in Jiu -Jitsu.

[1479] That's a word that gets tossed around a lot.

[1480] He's world -class.

[1481] I didn't know that.

[1482] Yeah, he's not very high.

[1483] I think he beat Cobrina.

[1484] He's beating, like, really big -name jujitsu guys in straight jujitsu competitions.

[1485] God.

[1486] And his fucking stand -up game is what everybody's scared of.

[1487] I mean, it's amazing.

[1488] Like, when he got Mike Brown, he got Mike Brown when he won the title, he got Mike Brown on the ground and got his back in a heartbeat and just battered him from that position.

[1489] But the way he got his back, I was like, that is some high -level shit.

[1490] Mike Brown is good.

[1491] Mike Brown is also.

[1492] Strilla strong Like Eve Edwards was telling me And I know Mike, you know And Mike came out to my stand -up actually In West Palm Beach is great He's a great guy Great guy He's a great guy And Mike, I've talked to guys Who roll with Mike They go, he's guerrilla strong dude He goes when he gets on you You're not getting off You're not moving That guy is just a gorilla Yeah he's strong as fuck And Aldo took his back Like a ghost Yeah although he told me about that fight He goes He said his hips were just so good Because I try to do shit And his hips were like fucking You know Well, the thing there were, a lot of people are concentrating on is soccer players, that there's another facet of, of, like everyone always said, well, wrestlers that's important.

[1493] You know, wrestlers is a great base, and, you know, some people like kickboxing, that's a great base.

[1494] But lately soccer players, a lot of people are looking at soccer players that eventually get into jiu -jitsu and kickboxing because they have so much better movement.

[1495] Their movement, like forward and backward.

[1496] Their whole game is about jumping through the air and running across a field and dodging to the left and dodging to the right and kicking a ball before anybody else can kick it.

[1497] By the way, they also learn how to kick because if you ever try, try sometime, get a D1 soccer player.

[1498] Try to stop that ball and watch how fast it comes to it.

[1499] It's crazy.

[1500] And they know how to place it.

[1501] So they develop this leg dexterity.

[1502] That's why Aldo has that wicked leg kick.

[1503] His leg kick is so powerful, man. He just whips it around and slams that fucking shin bone into your leg.

[1504] I talked to your eye favor about that.

[1505] He was like, I thought I was going to faint when he kicked me. So I thought I was going to literally faint.

[1506] He said, it was crazy.

[1507] Yeah, that's another new sort of an entry point into MMA.

[1508] It was professional level soccer players, which Aldo was.

[1509] Aldo was like ready to go professional.

[1510] But then it seems like MMA is more and more gravitating toward those that can be, that are master strikers because in a way if you've got two really good wrestlers they can kind of cancel each other out after a while like all the more you wrestle in mma it doesn't necessarily pay off the way spending time being an excellent striker understanding angles and all that speed and all that seems to be because you can end a fight so quickly yeah but you also have to have take down defense yeah you have to have if you don't have take down defense the striking doesn't mean anything but it seems like if you have two really good you know ntWA wrestlers or olympic wrestlers they're going to they're going to it's going to be hard to take either one of them down so that's why they're going to stand up now and see if you can you know well you know a lot of the wrestlers they develop you know insane punching power too because they learn how to throw themselves into a punch the way they would throw themselves into a power double you know like look at Dan Henderson like Dan Henderson who's more of a Greco wrestler or King Moe King Moe's a good example that motherfucker can punch and one of the reasons why I could punch because he knows how to throw his body into things you know he's used to like putting some serious horsepower into his double legs, and he puts that into his right hand now, and boom!

[1511] He just drops that shit on you.

[1512] That's why when you see guys like John Jones and Anderson and how they separate themselves in GSP, they are really extraordinary people.

[1513] There's just something about them.

[1514] Well, first of all, John is very physically gifted.

[1515] Yeah.

[1516] The distance of his limbs.

[1517] How tall is he?

[1518] I think he's 6 .3, but his limbs are, he's got longer arms, maybe 6 '4, but he's got longer arms than semi -Shilt, who's a heavyweight.

[1519] It was the K -1 heavyweight Grand Prix multiple -time champion because no one could get in on semi.

[1520] Semi's arms and legs are so long that everybody got fucked up trying to get to them, including guys like Bader Hari.

[1521] And he dropped them with like front kicks to the body and shit because semi seven feet tall.

[1522] Well, John has longer arms than him and he's six foot four.

[1523] He's got crazy long arms and legs.

[1524] And the reach, when we measure reach in MMA, we only measure from the shoulder to the hands, you know, to like the fingertips, like how far you can touch.

[1525] But that's not real reach for M .M .A. because you've got to factor in the legs.

[1526] And John's legs are so fucking long.

[1527] He can kick you from a place where you can't even touch him.

[1528] I want to watch him fight Shogun, and he looked like just in a completely different weight class, like a different human being.

[1529] And, by the way, he's only been striking for four years.

[1530] Shogun is, you know, a long -time M .M .A. champion.

[1531] He's just crazy gifted.

[1532] He's very gifted.

[1533] He's a super athlete.

[1534] He's just one of those guys that...

[1535] And it's the perfect storm of being a smart guy, being a guy who works hard, who has good coaching, and is a great athlete, all of them together.

[1536] And with crazy physical attributes, you know, John, every time you see him is better.

[1537] You know, you see him six months later.

[1538] He's a way better fighter than he was six months ago.

[1539] He also loves what he does.

[1540] It seems like he's just so enthusiastic.

[1541] No, if that's the truth, he should have taken the Chale Sondon fight next weekend.

[1542] Yeah.

[1543] He passed on that fight on eight days notice, which I thought, I could see his point of view, but I would have, if I was in his corner, I would have said, you're going to beat this guy.

[1544] Like, this is a guy who's coming up from 85.

[1545] You're a way better fighter than him.

[1546] And you're going to make it look like a hero that you, you know, you accepted this fight on short notice.

[1547] And you get to silence Chale Sondon.

[1548] He's talking a lot of shit about you.

[1549] He just shut him down, beat his ass, and that's all done.

[1550] You know, and it's an opportunity to make some money.

[1551] But he didn't, he felt like it was too big of a change to change up with eight days.

[1552] And it could have been also that Chale had been taunting him.

[1553] And so he didn't, you know, didn't want to, like, yeah, also, also there's, It's also if he loses, if he wins, a big deal, you know, he was supposed to.

[1554] If he loses, it's a big deal.

[1555] Yeah, but if he wins, it's still big.

[1556] He just still establishes himself as a bad motherfucker and a scary dude.

[1557] Is this what he is?

[1558] You know, the way he shut down rampage, the way he shut down Rashad, the way he choked out, Machita.

[1559] I mean, I just don't see that Chale Sunnan being able to deal with that skill set.

[1560] I think Chale, if he had a full of camp and really got a chance to really bulk up, to 205 for legit where he's you know then it would be a different story but in this you know an MMA though I'm just saying that it anything can happen in this sport right so as a fighter you're aware of that you know and and you have to contend with that directly and and emotionally and all those things so you have a rematch clause so you have a rematch clause so Chale submits them or something like that he's got a rematch clause and then the rematch is even bigger yeah it'd be fucking gigantic I also think maybe maybe that card and the UFC seems to be very aggressive about putting on a lot more events than they used to and maybe they could maybe they could scale it back a little bit I don't think they can I think with fuel TV with the responsibilities they have for FX yeah there's more demand there's is there though or is there is there more demand or is there just more obligation because of their contracts that's good point good point but there is more there's not just obligations because the contract is obligations for the amount of fighters that are under contract for the UFC that you have to keep working oh you can't have a guy under contract and not have them work but once it's a year.

[1561] Oh, that makes sense.

[1562] How's he going to survive?

[1563] You know, fighters have to fight at least two, three times a year.

[1564] I mean, and you don't, you can't do that unless you put on a lot of events.

[1565] Yeah.

[1566] The UFC has more than 250 fighters under contract, and I think it's more than that now.

[1567] That's a lot.

[1568] That's a big responsibility.

[1569] You know, people knocked in a white and stuff like that, but that's a big responsibility he has to all those fighters.

[1570] And now the WEC doesn't exist anymore.

[1571] So because the WEC doesn't exist anymore, now we have all the 35s, all the 45s, all the 55s.

[1572] Oh, right.

[1573] The 55s had already been assimilated a while back.

[1574] Why not?

[1575] Because they couldn't stay a business to the WEC?

[1576] No, they just figured it didn't make any sense to keep the two of them together.

[1577] When, you know, you have guys like Donald Soroni, you have guys like Benson Henderson, he's great fighters that were fighting the WEC.

[1578] Now look, Benson's the UFC champion now.

[1579] Obviously, these guys weren't getting a shot at the top.

[1580] Can you see what Benson did when he got there?

[1581] He won, he won the whole thing.

[1582] So Benson being the WEC champion and now being the UFC champion.

[1583] champion really lends credence to the fact that you know it was a good move to bring those guys in what about what about bellator and those other organizations there's some really good fighters over there mike chandler's really good he's the uh the lightweight fighter he's uh he beat eddie alvarez was also really fucking good those two guys are both world class and uh and then there's um were you expecting more from the 85 red bellifatura came over yeah yeah hector lombard he was apparently he was hurt apparently he had a crack sternum oh wow yeah and he fought anyway just he just didn't have a cracked sternum think about that yeah so it wasn't much he could do yeah apparently he just didn't have anything in a gas tank i'll tell you what though his fucking takedowns were ridiculous and his takedown defense was ridiculous and they say he's 510 he's 5 8 he's 5 8 he's i saw him down an american top team i made a good study of him a ball of hard rope i've never seen anything like it he's he's as he's as much he's he's an extreme mesomorph that's what he is like he's as thick and strong i looked at his legs at american top team music's training and i just looked at his legs and i was like i i mean tago alves is my boy he's a thick guy he walks around about 205 and he's about 5 8 okay umbara is a lot bigger than he is long bar his back is so ridiculous his judo skills are so sick that his take down defense are ridiculous yeah tim boats grabbed a hole and he's like nope I mean, Bosh is a big guy Coming down from 205, he's a big 185er, and, you know, when Lombard wanted to take him down, he took him down.

[1584] Grabbed him, clamped his arms together, up in the air, boom!

[1585] It's like, but he just didn't do enough, didn't do enough and lost a decision, but he's still a scary fuck, and I think his next fight, he's going to open up a can on somebody.

[1586] Anderson's next fight is...

[1587] Who knows?

[1588] He actually offered a step, been and fight before he knew the card was canceled.

[1589] He heard that they were without a main event.

[1590] He said he's not an 85 pound shape, but he can make 205.

[1591] So he said I'll fight any 205 pounder.

[1592] And he wasn't even in shape, like fighting fighting shape.

[1593] As in talking about fighting who?

[1594] John Jones?

[1595] No, he wouldn't fight John Jones because he said he wasn't in shape to fight that guy, but he said he'll fight any other 205 pounder.

[1596] So if they could get an opponent for him, some 185, you know, some 205 pounder wants to step up.

[1597] He won't fight Machita.

[1598] They're out of the same house.

[1599] They won't fight Machita, but there's a lot of other guys at 205.

[1600] they could have put a if he had called up just probably a couple days before they probably would have done that but they were scrambling for him that we had that would be interesting we haven't seen Anderson yeah anybody at 205 for sure there's a lot of good fights at 205 but what he did to Forrest griffin and what he did to a lot of two oh I would like to see him against like Glover Glover to Chera Glover is the scariest fight for John Jones at 205 and nobody even knows who Glover is a monster really oh he's a monster yeah he's scary Barry.

[1601] He's big.

[1602] He's about 2 .30.

[1603] He cuts down to 205.

[1604] But he doesn't have any weaknesses.

[1605] He's punching powers ridiculous.

[1606] He's got an iron chin.

[1607] He's a black belt and jiu -jitsu.

[1608] Apparently, he was training with Leota Machita and ragdoll on him.

[1609] That's the word.

[1610] Yeah, but it's a question also of his stand -up is not just about punching power.

[1611] It's about angles and knowing and footwork.

[1612] Glover is a killer.

[1613] He's the one guy that is world -class that wasn't in the UFC until really recently because he had a visa problem.

[1614] He couldn't fight in America for six years.

[1615] Brazil and he finally got a fight in the UFC and fought Kyle Kingsbury and just blew him out of the water I mean it was it was a scary fight to watch but he's beaten a lot of high level guys he was the first guy to beat so could you knock so could you out he's uh he's beating the fuck out of a lot of guys you fucked up Marvin Eastman in Brazil he's a beast man he's a scary scary dude that fight is a fight that shogun turned down show they offered shogun Glover to share and he didn't think it made any sense to him he's like this guy's like world class and nobody knows who he and Shogun didn't want to fight him.

[1616] Shogun won up fighting Brandon Vera instead, which was a great fight.

[1617] What a fucking crazy fight that was.

[1618] Who won that?

[1619] Shogun did, but he had some tough times.

[1620] It was Brandon put up a great fight.

[1621] Brandon was there, I think.

[1622] He was at the, I think he was taking pictures of people.

[1623] I think he was at the good -looking kid.

[1624] Yeah.

[1625] Big guy, you know, but he was there.

[1626] He was at Denver.

[1627] He was a really nice guy taking pictures of everybody.

[1628] Brandon Verra is a great guy.

[1629] He got a bad rap for a while.

[1630] He's a great dude.

[1631] I love Brandon.

[1632] But that was an incredible, incredible fight.

[1633] But it's interesting that Shogun was like, you know what, this Glover to share a guy?

[1634] Fuck that.

[1635] It's like, you need to set up that fight.

[1636] That's like, that's a fight where people need to know who Glover is first because this is like, got to be worth a lot of money.

[1637] This is a risky ass fight.

[1638] Glover's like the most unknown guy at 205 that's, that's super top level and scary.

[1639] I would love to see him versus John Jones.

[1640] I think that would be very interesting because Glover's is a really seasoned striker, really seasoned and tough as fucking nails.

[1641] But he's got to do it soon.

[1642] I think he's 32 now.

[1643] You know, John is, John's fucking skyrocketing.

[1644] Hey, listen, you got Hendo at 41, right?

[1645] He's fucked up, though.

[1646] His knees torn up now.

[1647] It's going to be a while for him before he heals up.

[1648] I've talked to other wrestlers about Henderson.

[1649] They say there's wrestling strong, and then there's Dan Henderson strong.

[1650] Oh, he's an animal.

[1651] They say he's the strongest guy on the planet.

[1652] Well, his massage guy that used to work on him said he's never massaged a guy.

[1653] He said he's made out of wood.

[1654] Yeah.

[1655] So he's never a massage guy like that.

[1656] It's the densest human being.

[1657] I know, I know his massage therapist now, and she said the same thing.

[1658] She said, I think she said to his father.

[1659] He goes, what did you feed him?

[1660] He goes, I didn't feed him.

[1661] He just gave him a gun and told him, I'm on his own food.

[1662] I'm like, well, there it is.

[1663] Yeah, he's always like, speaking of it, when are we eating those steaks?

[1664] I want to know, I'm hungry.

[1665] Yeah, well, the podcast is two hours and 22 minutes.

[1666] So we'll just do a little bit more podcast and I don't cut it loose.

[1667] Do it.

[1668] I'm getting hungry.

[1669] You're going to go to Alaska?

[1670] You're going to come with me?

[1671] 100%.

[1672] How can I say no to that?

[1673] You can't say no. I'm supposed to shoot this TV show.

[1674] Suck my TV show.

[1675] I'll find my opening and I'm coming.

[1676] it's five days yeah you gotta go fuck whatever it's stupid TV show it is come to see do you still doing that death valley thing no it got canceled what a bummer it was so fun it sucked six people saw it but I loved it 16 16 people good good was it good was it good was it a good show I had one of the best times I've ever had I played a perverted police chief and it was and they let me just improvise and do my own it was all like werewolves and monsters or something it was so much fun you called me up I remember you told me how ridiculous it was And I would hold the meeting about our current whirlworld for a vampire problem.

[1677] What happened that we got obsessed with vampires and werewolves?

[1678] It's just in the zeitgeist.

[1679] I know what it is.

[1680] What is it?

[1681] There was a theory.

[1682] I don't know.

[1683] I think in those kinds of things, a lot of times technology starts moving so quickly.

[1684] And we just, you know, it's all technical and stuff.

[1685] And we just want something.

[1686] We want recess.

[1687] We want magic.

[1688] We want it.

[1689] I think being afraid, though, well, first of all, I think what happened with vampires was they're really sexy.

[1690] I mean, Brom Stoker wrote.

[1691] Dracula in response to the repressive Victorian age.

[1692] It was essentially a metaphor for how repressive we were on the surface, yet how perverted we were underneath.

[1693] And along comes this handsomest shit guy who comes in sucks your blood.

[1694] And guess what?

[1695] You have an orgasm.

[1696] That's what those girls were doing.

[1697] He'd come in, handsome as shit with a cape, and suck your blood, suck your neck.

[1698] Do you remember the Gary Oldman?

[1699] And they would be like, oh, yeah.

[1700] The open version was super sexual.

[1701] Yes, it was sexual.

[1702] It always was.

[1703] It was a response to that repressive Victorian age, where everybody was terrified of syphilis and going to hell.

[1704] And at the end of the day, they were all fucking each other.

[1705] They'd be yanking then dresses up and just railing each other.

[1706] Like, I shouldn't be doing this.

[1707] I swear to God I'll go to church tomorrow.

[1708] Well, back then, they used to put dresses on legs of tables.

[1709] They didn't want people being sexually excited by piano legs.

[1710] There you go.

[1711] They used to dress table legs.

[1712] I believe it.

[1713] You don't have to.

[1714] It's a truth.

[1715] It's not a belief thing.

[1716] It's fucking craziness.

[1717] People were nuts.

[1718] People have always been, in a lot of societies, always have been obsessed with the sexual problem.

[1719] That's why men and women never were allowed to work together.

[1720] Because no matter what, when you get men and women together, shit happens.

[1721] It's supposed to.

[1722] It's supposed to fuck.

[1723] But that's why it's fascinating.

[1724] Societies have always been, actually, most societies throughout history have always been concerned and centered around figuring out a way to keep that wall up.

[1725] Right.

[1726] It's really interesting.

[1727] And when they do it with guilt, they do it with guilt.

[1728] They make women feel like sluts if they have sex.

[1729] They make men feel guilty.

[1730] And a lot of it had to do with a lot of times you get a bad disease, man. Before penicillin, and now they got gonorrhea, a strain of gonorrhea in Japan that is antibiotic resistant.

[1731] Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, yeah.

[1732] Don't fucking Japan, man. Not yet.

[1733] Wait until they cure it.

[1734] Yeah, exactly.

[1735] Well, they come up with another.

[1736] What is it about today, though, that the vampires don't have vampire characteristics?

[1737] it's like I was talking about that movie Born Legacy did you see it no it's good fun movie but this is engineered super killer who is constantly saving this hot chick through this movie constantly saving her yeah just carrying her jumping it throwing over shoulder jumping a fucking chasm with her never fucks her and I'm like what is this nonsense she's weeping she's holding on to him they're alone all men they're alone in a house, they're sleeping in the same room.

[1738] You're selling a male fantasy.

[1739] It's nonsense.

[1740] You want to save a woman.

[1741] It's a girl fantasy.

[1742] Both.

[1743] But it's the girl fantasy because he doesn't fuck her.

[1744] If it was a male fantasy, it'd be 007.

[1745] He saves her, then he fucks her.

[1746] But this guy just saves her.

[1747] He doesn't have time to come.

[1748] He doesn't even kiss her.

[1749] At the end of the movie, after they've been through so much together, they're looking at each other eye to eye and smiling.

[1750] That's it!

[1751] That's it!

[1752] No fucking!

[1753] She doesn't pull his cock out, she doesn't start sucking it.

[1754] What am I doing?

[1755] I shouldn't do this.

[1756] I want him to love and respect me. but I want it's cock in my mouth.

[1757] No, there's none of that.

[1758] But that's the same thing with the vampires.

[1759] These vampires, they can go out in the sun now, and they just sparkle.

[1760] They just want to be with you.

[1761] They didn't want to kill you.

[1762] Like, they eat deer blood.

[1763] Like, what the fuck, man?

[1764] But that was the whole, the reason Twilight was so big is that he was an outsider.

[1765] He was a leper.

[1766] And, you know, she could only see him at night.

[1767] It was Romeo and Juliet.

[1768] That's what it was.

[1769] But it wasn't Romeo and Julia because Romeo was 142.

[1770] This motherfucker's a thousand years old.

[1771] I know.

[1772] And she has a dilemma.

[1773] He's several hundred years old.

[1774] Should I get turned and be with him forever?

[1775] Yeah, but she's a fucking high school kid.

[1776] What is wrong with him?

[1777] He's a creepy cock sucker.

[1778] Well, listen, she was fucking cute.

[1779] It's all unrequited.

[1780] Do you think you'd be cool with that?

[1781] And he was in high school?

[1782] No, he wasn't.

[1783] No, he wasn't.

[1784] Fuck you, Joe.

[1785] He was in high school in the 1800s.

[1786] You don't fucking know.

[1787] He was taking science class.

[1788] Didn't he like, is everyone died from like the Spanish flu or something like that?

[1789] Influenza or something like that.

[1790] Yeah, it was like the early 1900s.

[1791] That guy was old as fuck.

[1792] That's ridiculous.

[1793] Listen, man, the older you get, the more creepy you get.

[1794] It's like Dom Herrera.

[1795] Don Marrera saying, we were all hanging out one time, a long time ago, and there were these girls there, and Don goes, those girls are good looking.

[1796] And I go, yeah, they're fucking 21.

[1797] Yeah, they look pretty good from here.

[1798] And he goes, no, because at that age, you know, a girl could have a goat head.

[1799] I wouldn't really give a fuck.

[1800] 21 with a goat head, I'd be like, that chick with a goat head's got a really nice body.

[1801] It's fine for me. She's 21, you know.

[1802] Well, it's funny that, you know, The thing comparing the way gay men look at men as compared to the way women look at men.

[1803] And with women, what's important is the guy's eyes, his smile, his jawline.

[1804] With men, with gay men, the dudes don't even have to have heads.

[1805] They just look at a body.

[1806] If you could find, like, a hot guy who was headless and just stuck his fucking hairy ass up in the end, guys would just be stroking.

[1807] And they'd be like, yeah.

[1808] My buddy Keith, I don't need a head.

[1809] My buddy Keith's got a boyfriend, and his name is Stan.

[1810] And he wears his hair over one eye.

[1811] Did I tell you this?

[1812] Oh, no. And he's Filipino, he's really good looking.

[1813] He's got this bubble ass and big tits.

[1814] Oh, big tits.

[1815] He does a lot of bench.

[1816] He's like, he's got a full mouth and my buddy Keith is real, my buddy kid's really macho.

[1817] And he makes millions of dollars.

[1818] And he was like staring at him one time where he was like, look at him.

[1819] Look at how fucking beautiful he is.

[1820] And I go, I was like, oh, yeah.

[1821] And he goes, you know why I put it with all his bullshit?

[1822] I go, why?

[1823] He goes, look at that ass.

[1824] And I was like, but I get it.

[1825] I was like, you're not even, you're not really even gay.

[1826] You're just a dude who fucks guys.

[1827] I'm not even sure.

[1828] Like, you're just so hyper male that you got to, you know.

[1829] Oh, that's silly.

[1830] He's gay.

[1831] All right.

[1832] Just, gay guys are just guys who are gay.

[1833] The guys are hairless in the full mouth.

[1834] Guy, all right.

[1835] Guy, shmai.

[1836] A lot of guys are into the Asian guys.

[1837] That's where Asian guys are, like, cherished.

[1838] Whereas, like, Asian guys have a hard time when it comes to white women.

[1839] A lot of white women are like, what the fuck?

[1840] I went and saw, I went with some of the cast from the hangover.

[1841] I went to the fucking lady boy show in Thailand.

[1842] Let me explain something to you.

[1843] one day i'd last a day in jail before i was banging the shit out of those fucking dudes all right a one day i'd last i'd be like you know what you look so fuck it in the butt of the mouth who gives yes what if he's got a cock you'd be able to look down the little look look dude just put a knackin over or something they're tiny anyway push it to the stuff what if you felt your bull as you're fucking him in the ass you felt his cock slapping against your butthole how many drinks have you doing it how many drinks have i had how many How much alcohol?

[1844] Two drinks.

[1845] I got to have at least three, dude.

[1846] Otherwise, it's gay.

[1847] You got to tell them, listen, you got to hold on your cock.

[1848] I'm fucking in the ass because it's slapping me and he...

[1849] Look, a bro, bro.

[1850] Get me some masking tape.

[1851] I'll tape it right to your belly button.

[1852] And don't fucking look at me in the eye.

[1853] And we'll go to...

[1854] How feminine did they look?

[1855] They're some of the best -looking women I've ever seen in my eyes.

[1856] So, they answer your fucking question.

[1857] And did they show their cocks?

[1858] Like, what is they show?

[1859] No, they don't.

[1860] They tape them down.

[1861] It's lady boys, and a lot of them have had the operation already.

[1862] So then...

[1863] what are they then look brodie stevens asked him he was being like his face was being stroked and i looked at brodie i go listen brodie if you if you take that girl slash guy home and fuck her tonight you're not gay and i'll defend you to the fucking day you die because that's one of the best looking chicks i've ever seen in my life right and he was like no i can't but gee whiz look at her i can't do that but yeah they were fucking beautiful i i i a couple of them i was like that's a girl there's no way that's a guy it's impossible at that that's a guy and they were like that's a guy well we had one on the man show that was so pretty that uh we were hanging out the comedy store and she was pulling up or he whatever you want to call her was pulling up in a car and eddie bravo was like whoa check out this chick that girl's so pretty i go dude that's a guy i was in cheetahs i was at cheetahs in Vegas okay and that's a big strip club and i there was a girl there with a cowboy hat who had a line of men trying to bring her into the room to have a dance the reason i knew that that was a guy was because on mad tv one of our makeup women used to be a guy and and she was friends with this this person who had become a woman so i knew that that was a transsexual and she was also she was vietnamese she was fucking gorgeous then she later got married to a very wealthy um i think i can say it i don't want to say it but he He was a very, very well -known rocker, a guitarist.

[1864] Wait a minute.

[1865] It's a rock star?

[1866] Not a rock star, but he made a lot of money in a band, a very popular band.

[1867] And he married a band.

[1868] And he married her, and which only gave me more respect for him.

[1869] Really?

[1870] Yeah, I mean.

[1871] Who is it?

[1872] Come on.

[1873] I don't want to say.

[1874] It's probably public.

[1875] Actually, no, I know, but I don't want, I don't want to say because I don't want, I don't want them to know that this person was stripping.

[1876] There's a lot of shit that goes on with this.

[1877] Oh.

[1878] You know what I mean?

[1879] Okay.

[1880] I don't want to, you know.

[1881] Well, this guy, I'll tell you later.

[1882] This guy that had become a girl that Eddie Bravo had seen in the car, we had her on the man show.

[1883] And the man show was, the man show, you see that sign behind, it said, make me hard.

[1884] See that?

[1885] This sign right here?

[1886] That was the game.

[1887] The game was, make me hard.

[1888] And what it was was we had an electronic box over a dude's dick.

[1889] And we would decide when the light would go off.

[1890] There's a red light on it.

[1891] And the light would indicate that he has an erection.

[1892] So we would have, like, different things in front of him, like, imagine he'd eat in a banana.

[1893] and, you know, like all these different things that would give him a boner.

[1894] It's a great thing.

[1895] It was a fun gig.

[1896] But when we did it, we did one of them with the transsexual.

[1897] And she was fucking hot, man. I'm telling you, you would not be able to tell.

[1898] So she's on this guy's lap, okay?

[1899] And the guy's going, whoo, woo, who.

[1900] She's got whipped cream.

[1901] She puts whipped cream on her tits.

[1902] He sucks the whipped cream off her tits.

[1903] Everybody's going fucking crazy.

[1904] The audience is going shithouse.

[1905] Then she pulls out her panic.

[1906] and unveils this this dick that looks like it had been poisoned because she'd been taking all these female hormones so her dick was like black and sick it was like it had been like it was atrophying it was yeah oh yeah for sure not just atrophying it was like it was completely cut off from the process like withered away and see now i have a boner is that weird black it was a black dick and she was not black she was like a latina something or another but her dick but her dick was dark it was dark it was tired it was rotting it was like it was running away and she pulls it out in front of everybody in front of the crowd and the collective oh of everyone and the look of repulsion in the guy's eyes oh my god this he's tied to this chair with this box over his dick with by the way the red lights flashing like crazy now because because we control the red light it wasn't really when he had a corner so the the lights, everyone's going, oh, and there's a dick right in front of his face and this crazy bitch that he had just sucked whipped cream off her tits.

[1907] And now she's got this cock in front of them.

[1908] By the way, they had no problem with that.

[1909] Comedy Central had no problem with that, but they did have a problem with hard.

[1910] The reason why that sign is here is because we had to use another sign.

[1911] Because it couldn't be make me hard, because making me hard was they wanted it make me stiff.

[1912] That's what they said.

[1913] That was one of the things they argue.

[1914] Those are arbitrary things that they standards and practices guys like decide on the set.

[1915] and practices.

[1916] It's the network.

[1917] It's the network.

[1918] Advertisers, you know.

[1919] It's not even that.

[1920] It's just a bunch of dummies who want to have their say on things.

[1921] And that's why doing something on the internet is so beautiful.

[1922] Like if we had one of those same executives in this room and we were talking about things, they would probably tell us not to talk about it.

[1923] They would tell us to change the subject.

[1924] If someone had to sit down with us and give us like a list of shit that we couldn't talk about.

[1925] The internet gives you personal responsibility.

[1926] It gives you your own sovereignty and it's what all human beings want and should have.

[1927] If I don't pee right now, I'm going to die.

[1928] Don't die.

[1929] All right.

[1930] Come to Vegas.

[1931] Two hours and 35 minutes.

[1932] Let's wrap this bitch up.

[1933] Let's bring this bitch into the harbor.

[1934] Check out Brian Callan's podcast.

[1935] What is it called?

[1936] Man Thoughts?

[1937] Yeah, man thoughts with Brian Callan.

[1938] It's a real simple.

[1939] I know.

[1940] You're going to fuck yourself by having some other name now.

[1941] You keep changing the name.

[1942] No, that's it.

[1943] We're sticking on this.

[1944] It's good.

[1945] How about the Brian Callan experience?

[1946] No?

[1947] Yeah, no. It's a Joe Rogan experience.

[1948] I stole it from Jimmy Hendricks.

[1949] Somebody won't Joe Rogan.

[1950] Man thoughts.

[1951] This.

[1952] weekend Friday night now added Doug Stanhope Friday and Saturday it's going to be me Joey Diaz and Ari Javier Friday night Doug Stanhope is joining me we're doing something for Tosh Point O together on Friday during the day so when we're done with that we're going to do the show at the Ice House that night and have a fucking party so we will have an Ice House Chronicles on Friday that will have Doug Stanhope go take your piss man go ahead, don't worry about me brother 10 minute podcast yeah follow that and follow Brian Callen, B -R -Y -A -N -C -A -L -E -N, on the Twitter.

[1953] Thank you, everybody, for the positive messages on Twitter and on Facebook and even Google Plus.

[1954] I've been on Google Plus lately, and I've been on Reddit lately just for a little bit, but I'm going to do a Reddit, ask me anything before my special is released, which should be either at the end of September or the beginning of October, depending on when my website is done.

[1955] the new studio should be the lease is signed tomorrow hip hip hooray and we will begin construction and it will be dope and then we will take shit to the next level you motherfuckers it's gonna be a hangout it's gonna be like like a john goddy social club but for nice people um but i'm i'm fucking pumped about it is i've never really like had uh my own place before like a real place of my like an office and i'm uh i've got grand plans for this i'm very very excited and uh got a lot of Cool guest coming up.

[1956] Survivor Man. I've been in contact with him.

[1957] He's coming on the podcast.

[1958] We're going to get Rich Roll, who is a vegan athlete.

[1959] Mac Danzig, I've got to holler at you as well.

[1960] Who's also another vegan athlete and a great fighter and fights in the UFC.

[1961] So we've got to represent the vegans.

[1962] A lot of people think that I hate vegans.

[1963] I do not, absolutely.

[1964] And I eat a lot of vegetables.

[1965] I eat a very vegetable diet.

[1966] But I like meat and ate that too.

[1967] Tough shit.

[1968] mostly grass fed though that's the way to go all right it's fucking podcast is over i'm rambling so come see us this weekend this uh friday and saturday night at the ice house and again doug stanhope would be joining us on friday but on saturday uh it'll be ari shafir joe diaz and me and uh rie shafir and joe dyes will also be on the friday night show uh next weekend santa barbara the lobero theater that's uh next friday night um and uh i'm fucking pumped about that so So that's September 7th, and then Toronto on the, oh, the Crest Theater in Sacramento, September 14th, Macy Hall, rather, in Toronto on the 21st, Memorial Hall in Raleigh, North Carolina on the 28th, and the Thomas Wolf Auditorium in Asheville, North Carolina, on the 29th, and Duncan Trustle says, I may move there, I may have to.

[1969] And those North Carolina dates would be Joe Diaz and Duncan Truzzle.

[1970] All right, you freaks.

[1971] Thanks to Alienware for sponsoring our podcast.

[1972] by providing us with cool laptops.

[1973] And thank you for sponsoring so many MMA fighters.

[1974] Follow Alienware MMA on Twitter, please.

[1975] And thanks to Onit .com.

[1976] That's OnN -N -I -T.

[1977] Go get yourself some AlphaBrain or Shroom Tech or Shroom Tech immune, Shroom -Tech Sport, get yourself some bones strong, get yourself some new mood, some kettlebells, some battle ropes.

[1978] Get your manly shit on and use the codename Rogan and save 10 % off any supplements.

[1979] The best podcast in the land.

[1980] And we will end this thing with Brian Callan singing.

[1981] I've got short legs but a tired ass and a barrel of snakes for a bath.

[1982] We love everybody.

[1983] He's got a wide face but expressive eyes and no hair on his head.

[1984] He's got big hats.

[1985] Big feet.

[1986] Trying to talk Brian Callan into moving.

[1987] Sorry, guys.

[1988] All right, you guys, we love you.

[1989] And this fucking show over thank you for everybody thank you for everybody my friend thank you for your time you're good to us and uh grill pickles grillo pickles in the house all right we'll see you guys tomorrow with uh mike berbiglia mike berbiglia will be joining us in the podcast tomorrow and uh and that's it for the week all right we love you fox see you