Calm Parenting Podcast XX
[0] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked.
[1] And what powers me is my AG1.
[2] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.
[3] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it.
[4] And the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients.
[5] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[6] Ag1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.
[7] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.
[8] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.
[9] If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1.
[10] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel.
[11] packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[12] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[13] Check it out.
[14] Hey moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.
[15] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.
[16] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.
[17] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors, like chaotic hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.
[18] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.
[19] I feel like myself again.
[20] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.
[21] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.
[22] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.
[23] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.
[24] So how do you handle kids who are afraid of the dark?
[25] Can you teach impulse control to a child with ADHD?
[26] What are the consequences for breaking something in the house?
[27] Do any of you have kids who freak out when plans change and then they blame it on you?
[28] What about kids who lie?
[29] How do you handle and help a child who doesn't want to take a nasty tasting medication or antibiotic?
[30] What if you have a child with a nasty attitude?
[31] And how do you get strong -willed kids to make their better clean their room?
[32] those are the questions we are going to ask on this special episode of the calm parenting podcast so welcome this is kirk martin founder celebrate calm you can find us at celebrate calm .com i asked on instagram hey what questions do you want me to answer and i can't answer them all but over time i will and if you like this episode let me know and i'll do more q and a sessions so even if all the questions don't pertain to you hopefully you can glean from them some principles some ways of thinking about situations and apply it to other situations so let's roll question one how do we deal with kids being afraid of the dark but who insist on watching zombie shows and scary things and my response was well then they'll just continue to have fear and nightmares and that's your their choice that is their choice and not yours to fix and the mom on instagram actually replied and said look this triggers me and then i feel angry at the end of the day then i feel angry at the end of the day then i feel guilty that I'm not validating their emotions.
[33] Think how insidious this is.
[34] Your kids make a choice that affects their lives and then you as the parent feel anger and guilt.
[35] That's not a healthy boundary and that will actually feed this negative cycle.
[36] See in some ways you are owning responsibility for their choices.
[37] You are becoming entangled emotionally with them.
[38] Your kids make choice and get afraid, you then feel like you need to comfort or validate them emotionally, which probably prolongs this cycle because they reap an internal benefit from this while you end up feeling angry and manipulated.
[39] Instead, simply state in an even, matter -of -fact manner, of course you had a nightmare.
[40] That's what happens when you watch scary shows.
[41] So for many of you, that's going to be very hard.
[42] That sounds kind of of cold and it's not it's also not snotty or lecturing you know what when you watch scary shows that's what see i hate that tone it's just a statement of fact and you were putting it in their court look if you don't want the nightmares then you need to make a different choice and then you walk away it's not cold it's the compassionate thing to do rather than make yourself feel needed by comforting them the good news that we always talk is that you can't always control your kid's behavior but mom you have complete control over your own when you liberate yourself from needing to feel needed or from reacting with anger or guilt or emotion you will most likely liberate your kids to own their own choices see it's really cool I think you can break this cycle by controlling your own emotions first.
[43] Okay, how do we improve impulse control in a child with ADHD?
[44] And the mom had said, hey, I really struggle with this because I'm anxious about my child's future.
[45] So a couple things.
[46] One, kids are supposed to have impulse control issues.
[47] This is the age they are supposed to try new.
[48] things without thinking too much so they can learn the hard way without the stakes being too high.
[49] I want kids being impulsive.
[50] I don't want 35 and 45 -year -olds being impulsive.
[51] And I honestly, I get so p -oed, I get angry at how our society frames everything with our strong -willed, ADHD, neurodivergent kids in a negative light without ever showing the positives.
[52] And it's dishonest and it's destructive.
[53] Look, impulse control is a legitimate and real issue.
[54] But this is the conversation I want you to have with your child.
[55] Hey yeah, you're impulsive at times.
[56] That means you get excited about ideas.
[57] You've got initiative and so you jump in quickly and that will serve you well in life.
[58] See other people overthink things, make excuses, wait for the perfect moment and they're too risk averse so they never accomplish big things.
[59] So this is a super power in your life now the downside is that sometimes you jump in without thinking things through and that will cause you to get burned and that will hurt but it's part of the process what i want is for you to harness your superpower without getting burned so often and so badly and since this is going to impact your life i want you to begin practice Practicing impulse control every day in small ways so you can get mastery of this and accomplish your large dreams.
[60] Now, that is an honest conversation about the advantages and disadvantages of this trait.
[61] But it isn't in that smarmy, snotty tone that schools and society and churches and parents use with their kids, you know, you really need to work on your impulse control issues and you're hyper and you can't.
[62] focus and you have auditory processing issues.
[63] And the list is endless and it's destructive.
[64] Nobody else on the planet picks out everything negative about their kids and spends 90 % of their childhood trying to fix it.
[65] See, instead, I gave context and now the child will be motivated to work extra hard on impulse control, not because there's something wrong with him, but because it will lead him or her to accomplish their vision in life.
[66] And I love this way of teaching your kids about life.
[67] You're normalizing the fact that everybody has strengths and weaknesses instead of our society singling our kids out with negative labels because no one is saying snotty things or trying to fix the kids who are risk -averse overthink things and are tentative.
[68] See, those qualities need to be worked on as much as impulse control.
[69] But see, now you've given your child a vision.
[70] and the lay of the land, and they can take ownership of this themselves, which is awesome.
[71] Now, obviously, you need to take an active role modeling this for your kids right in front of them.
[72] We had several rules or traditions in our home.
[73] We never made a big purchasing decision right away.
[74] We always walked out of the store, even if the salesman was like, oh, this deal ends tonight.
[75] I was like, no, it doesn't.
[76] And we would come back a day or two later, only usually we didn't go back.
[77] because once we left, that impulse to get it kind of left.
[78] We instituted that all the time.
[79] We never bought anything in the checkout line at the store.
[80] Why?
[81] Because it's designed to take advantage of impulse purchases.
[82] So we did this.
[83] We actively taught Casey impulse control and delayed gratification when he was little.
[84] We'd go to Red Robin and I'd routinely ask, how many fries are we going to leave on the plate today?
[85] And he'd say, why would you do this?
[86] that.
[87] Right?
[88] And the answer was, well, just show that you can.
[89] And I know that may sound stupid or silly, but it was concrete and it worked.
[90] And I'd encourage you do this with video games.
[91] Teach your kids delayed gratification.
[92] This is an imperfect example.
[93] But let's say your kids get to play on their video games for an hour every afternoon whenever it is.
[94] But one night you say, hey, you know what tonight?
[95] Here's what I want to do.
[96] If you guys will turn off your video, video games after 56 minutes, so four minutes early, tomorrow night, I will give you an additional 10 minutes or 12 minutes to play.
[97] What are we doing?
[98] We're starting to teach them, oh, if I delay gratification and I give up a few minutes today, I get more tomorrow.
[99] It's a skill you have to practice and you have to model and you have to get control over your anxiety about your child's future or this will sabotage your efforts.
[100] You'll make lots of little comments that will highlight your anxiety and your anxiety tells your kids i'm not really confident you can do this but look i i think anxiety is our parents is parents number one enemy it will cause you to get the exact opposite of what you want okay good dad ask this what do we do what consequence would the calm guy give if your kids broke windows so here are two or three answers to that number one here's one of my favorite options so say in a very grave serious voice guys meet me outside in five minutes near the broken window and then go outside they're going to be anticipating you coming out being all angry instead smile give him a fist bump and say you know what i'm just glad you guys are outside playing with a ball proud of you it's what we did our whole childhood listen this time i've got this i'll handle it but next time if you're not careful and it breaks you guys are paying for it look sometimes it's nice to just extend a little bit of mercy to your kids because they're just trying to figure out life and we all screw up in life and it's nice sometimes when someone just says you know what i've got this now if your kids have repeatedly not listened to you or if this happens again here's how i would handle it i get an estimate for the window to be fixed and then one day i just say hey guys i got the estimate for to replace the window It's on the kitchen counter.
[101] Why don't you guys take a look at that?
[102] And then let me know how you plan to work this amount off around the house doing chores because you've got to pay me back for this.
[103] And we'll probably need to do a yard sale.
[104] We can get rid of some of the toys that you don't play with.
[105] And I can show you how to get some extra jobs in the neighborhood doing some odd jobs for neighbors so you can pay this back.
[106] Now, here's why I like this.
[107] There's no drama.
[108] I'm not angry.
[109] I'm not lecturing.
[110] I'm not shaming.
[111] There's no constant disapproval.
[112] It's even a matter of fact, and there's no drama.
[113] I'm just holding them accountable.
[114] And I'm giving them tools to pay this off.
[115] I like that approach a lot for almost all of your discipline.
[116] There's no need to make everything into a big deal.
[117] The third option, and this isn't really related to breaking windows.
[118] I just wanted to add this.
[119] If you have younger kids, little kids, when they mess up, just get on the ground and help them learn how to make better choices.
[120] You're teaching.
[121] Discipline means to teach.
[122] Look, they're just figuring life out like you and I are in our 30s, 40s and 50s.
[123] Is that not true?
[124] How many of us are still making boneheaded decisions?
[125] And we just want someone to come along instead of like, you screwed up again.
[126] That's going to cost you.
[127] Sometimes it's nice to have a mentor come along and say, let me show you how to do this.
[128] Okay, here's a common one.
[129] Most of you have kids who have these very busy swirl.
[130] brains.
[131] And it feels like life is out of their control.
[132] If you have kids who are adopted, oftentimes from foster care, or they have a trauma background, well, then they're going to want to control a lot of things in life.
[133] And that makes sense to me. But when things don't go their way or plans change, they're going to lash out, they're going to freak out.
[134] They'll call you a liar.
[135] They'll blame you.
[136] So here's my short answer.
[137] And the mom had said, like, she had told them, like, we're going to go swimming.
[138] Well, it was thundering, so the pool was closed, so they couldn't do it.
[139] So my short answer is, always try to give these kids some kind of ownership or control over some aspect of the planning.
[140] Hey, why don't you look that up and let me know the hours they're open?
[141] If it's closed, what is your backup plan?
[142] See, I'm starting to teach them.
[143] When they get predictably upset over something going wrong, try giving them some positive intensity.
[144] Yeah, you know what?
[145] I'd be really upset too.
[146] it's hard when you get your mind on something you look forward to it you start picturing all the fun you're going to have and then the plans change and nobody really likes to change it's hard see that's validating instead of like i don't know why you're getting so upset just validate it you're not saying it's right for them to be upset you're just saying like that's normal and so if you want you can say hey vent for the next seven and a half minutes if you want but then we're going to problem solve and figure out plan B. You can also say, look, I have no interest in being your punching bag, and I refuse to accept blame for something I had no control over.
[147] So be p -oed all you want, but it won't change anything, and then you'll just simply be choosing to be miserable.
[148] Or you can use your creative brain and come up with an alternative.
[149] I kind of like that.
[150] You know we like to get to the root of issues beneath the surface, and it's the same with acne.
[151] Phila isn't just about fixing acne you can see, it's about stopping new breakouts in their tracks by getting right into the pores.
[152] Look, acne can be painful, both physically and emotionally.
[153] Whether your child is just starting to get breakouts or has been struggling with them for years, phila is a safe, effective, side effect free, and natural product that can help.
[154] Phila is like a spa treatment for your skin, gentle no irritation no dryness and definitely no harsh chemicals like benzene it's safe for kids of all ages and dermatologist approved don't settle for temporary fixes tackle acne's root causes get 25 % off your first order of phila with the code calm go to phila dot com and type in the code calm that's p hyl a com and use code word calm okay what do you do with teenagers or kids who lie look this is a trust issue but it works on both ways because parents are always like oh i can't trust my child because he or she lies all the time and i get that they do but there's also a trust issue on the other side because sometimes when your kids come and tell you the truth you've overreacted and you created a lot of drama around it and so they learned it's not safe to tell you the truth so this is very short but it's very, very practical.
[155] I encourage you to do this.
[156] Practice this.
[157] Tell your kids, hey, we're going to practice this.
[158] I want you to walk into the room and practice telling me the truth.
[159] Tell me something that I don't know.
[160] Tell me something that maybe you've done that you might get in trouble for.
[161] Come, tell me the truth.
[162] See, you have to practice it because they have built this habit of lying and making up stories.
[163] So I want them to practice literally walking into a room and saying, Mom, Dad, I didn't tell you about this, but this is what I did the other night.
[164] I wasn't actually at this event.
[165] I went with my friend Ryan over here.
[166] Now, the second part is we are going to practice not reacting to you.
[167] And I want to apologize to you for all the times that we have overreacted and shamed and lectured you instead of problem solving.
[168] So look, you're both doing it.
[169] Instead of getting on the child like, you know, we can't trust you because you have integrity issues.
[170] Well, it's just going to send them away from you.
[171] But if you own your own part, which is great in all relationships, it's like, hey, we need to work on this too.
[172] And now you're both practicing it.
[173] Quick one.
[174] Are your Instagram videos shot with a computer background or are those really filmed in those mountain locations?
[175] I was so bummed when people started asking this.
[176] Of course, all the videos are shot outside, on location and places where we hike as a family.
[177] I try to get into places where I block the wind and don't bother other hikers.
[178] But those views, make up for my natural lack of charisma and it just became kind of a thing and it's actually causing me to hike a lot more than I even used to because I want to find different places but yeah it's real so I have a preteen who gets sassy and disrespectful toward me sometimes how do you learn not to take it personally or get triggered look change your expectations are you expecting your strong well child to be the only teen or tween on the planet who isn't sassy at times it would be weird if kids this age walked around saying, you know what, I don't really want to hang out with my friends, I'd rather spend time with my mom and dad because they love me and have so much wisdom.
[179] That'd be weird.
[180] So every morning, wake up and expect that this child is going to be on a roller coaster all through their teen years.
[181] Their entire life is drama, and it's made way worse because of social media.
[182] You know what they really need?
[183] Is someone who doesn't feed that drama, someone who doesn't react all the time, someone who has the confidence and wisdom to know, this is a natural stage when kids are trying to figure out how to be independent while still maintaining that safety.
[184] And it's an ugly process because they've never done it before.
[185] You have, so I was going to say act like it, but act like it.
[186] Like stop being shocked that kids are sassy at times.
[187] Look, they came out of the womb like this.
[188] and you are there to be the steady guide through the rough seas so they can count on you.
[189] Have some compassion.
[190] These years are tough because the kids, they're no longer little kids, but the hormones are kicking in.
[191] They've got this heightened social importance.
[192] So everything is about fitting in, and yet nobody fits in.
[193] So you get to become the one person in their life who doesn't create more drama.
[194] By all means, don't allow kids to be demanding.
[195] and then turn around to do everything for them.
[196] But when you reply to them, use few words, right?
[197] If they're demanding, just short and sweet.
[198] Hey, that's not going to get you what you want.
[199] You can try again when I come back downstairs.
[200] Or if you want to talk, if something else is going on, we can go for a walk and I'll listen to you, and I won't even talk.
[201] Right?
[202] It's kind of like my chips and sauce example with Casey.
[203] Look, if you have a resentment, then that's your work to do.
[204] Well, after all I did for her and she talks to me that way, Well, then you loved with expectations.
[205] That's manipulative.
[206] See, because I did so much for you, you owe it to me to talk to me nicely.
[207] That's not how life works.
[208] That's not healthy.
[209] So release this child from your false expectations.
[210] Affirm the child relentlessly.
[211] I mean it's for teens and tweens.
[212] Affirm them, affirm them.
[213] Find every single little thing that they're doing well.
[214] They don't need to be piled on.
[215] They're already piling on themselves.
[216] All their friends are piling on them.
[217] So notice all the good choices they're making.
[218] Notice what they're not doing wrong, right?
[219] So she's got a little bit of attitude, but she's not vaping.
[220] She's not doing all kinds of other things.
[221] So sometimes just smile at the sass when it's particularly witty.
[222] I used to do that with Casey.
[223] Sometimes his comebacks were really kind of disrespectful at times.
[224] But they were so witty and good.
[225] I was like, you know what?
[226] Good one there.
[227] It's not going to get you what you want.
[228] But nice witty response there.
[229] there.
[230] But then redirect without emotion or drama.
[231] You know what's really cool?
[232] This was a mom and a teenager or a tween daughter.
[233] Sit in color sometimes.
[234] When your daughter's getting all filled with drama and starting to get a little attitude, sit down at the kitchen table and just start coloring and then put another crayon out and some paper.
[235] I guarantee your daughter will probably sit down in color and now you will have bonded together and you can have these great talks while you're coloring.
[236] Look, they're only going to go through this stage once and if you handle it right it will bond you very very closely because you'll be the one parent not freaking out okay my child is sick and has to take antibiotics and he fights me and the mom said every single time it's a fight and my response is i don't mean it sound jerky but it says who cares if it's a fight just don't fight back stop expecting your child to like it or for it to be easy i think modern day moms and dads think, well, if I just say it the right way or do the right thing, or if I've done enough for them or because they have so many things in life that I didn't, that it should just be easy.
[237] It's not going to be easy all the time, and that's okay.
[238] I want you to know that's okay.
[239] Just accept the fact that he's going to fight it every single time.
[240] Acknowledge that it tastes awful and that stinks, but you just expect him to take it and get it over with.
[241] even matter of fact see sometimes you getting all I can't believe I try to make it with this chocolate in it I try to do all see you're creating all this drama and then it feeds more drama don't create the drama sit in the unease of it now if you want to go the extra mile try this make a deal with your child hey every time you take your nasty antibiotics I have to drink something disgusting like milk and orange juice combined or I've got to do something uncomfortable for me like push -ups or sit -ups.
[242] I like that a lot.
[243] Okay, here's a good question.
[244] Please, please, please, notice a double please.
[245] Please share how we can get our strong -willed children to make their bed or pick up their room.
[246] Now, I really like the mom who asks this question, so mom, don't be offended.
[247] I'm being tough with you because I know that you can take it, and I really like you.
[248] So I'm going to push back hard because, look, this represents a lot of missed opportunities and probably impacts other parts of life.
[249] My question is, why do your kids need to make their bed?
[250] Why?
[251] It doesn't matter.
[252] or maybe it's better asked, why do you need them to make their bed?
[253] And a lot of moms and dads will have these different answers.
[254] Well, I like to climb into a freshly made bed at night to sleep.
[255] Yeah, so do I. Sometimes.
[256] But that's just a preference of yours.
[257] Maybe they don't care.
[258] So don't impose your preferences on them.
[259] Well, if they don't clean their rooms, they will grow up to be messy slabs and not be successful.
[260] Wait, now your anxiety.
[261] He just projected way into the future and made some drastic assumptions that just aren't true.
[262] The truth is, it does not matter if they make their bed or clean their room.
[263] It has literally nothing to do with their success in life.
[264] Our son's room was a complete disaster most of his life.
[265] That's why we kept the door closed.
[266] We made sure there were no plates and dishes in there, so no ants and bugs.
[267] But otherwise, it was his room.
[268] then guess what he grew up he got an apartment with three other guys and it was orderly and clean now he owns his own home and it's clean and organized and you have to take your shoes off when you enter kids change they grow up look if you are orderly and clean in your home your kids will likely grow up and replicate that if you're a hoarder and your house is a disaster your kids are probably going to follow your lead as well chill well can we make some agreements like no friends in your room if your room isn't clean why Why?
[269] Who cares if their friends see their room messy?
[270] Are you afraid that it's going to make you look bad?
[271] Like your child's friend is going to say, dude, your room's a disaster.
[272] Your mom sucks as a parent.
[273] Right?
[274] Like, is that what you're afraid of?
[275] No. Maybe this friend will put some positive beer pressure on your child to actually clean up.
[276] But most kids just don't care.
[277] Well, making your bed every morning is a great life skill and gets you a win to start the day.
[278] I completely agree, but you know it's even better in the morning?
[279] Getting exercise, being in the sun, taking a cold plunge, making a list of your priorities for the day, doing yoga, meditating on sacred writings, singing out of gratitude, journaling, saying positive affirmations.
[280] Do you do all of those things?
[281] Or did you just pick this one because it triggers you so much?
[282] See, it triggers you so much, you said, please, please.
[283] and that is a sure sign to me that this means way too much to you and when something means too much to you you will be overbearing with it and you know how this works with a strong will child strong will kids if you try to push them they resist even more because they know even if they do make their better clean their room it probably won't satisfy your anxiety so they don't even try and they may actually get a kick out of your reaction to it Look, if I was in your home, I would purposefully, and I'm, I was going to say I'm not being a jerk, but I kind of am.
[284] But I promise you, if I lived in your home, I would purposefully not make my bed on purpose just because it irritates you so much.
[285] And that's not really my issue.
[286] That's yours.
[287] Plus, just think, moms and dads, you're nagging will not get them to ever do whatever you want them to do.
[288] Fill in the blank.
[289] You've been nagging some of your kids for literally over a decade.
[290] Hasn't made any change?
[291] No. All it's done is hurt your relationship and it actually makes you look bad.
[292] So let's grieve this and let's bury it.
[293] Then apologize to your kids.
[294] I'm sorry.
[295] I have bugged you so often and obsessed over your bedroom.
[296] All those hours and times I bugged you, I could have instead been telling you all the great traits you have.
[297] Why I'm proud of you.
[298] How are you going to crush it in the real world?
[299] even if you don't ever make your bed.
[300] See, when you release your kids from this expectation, and I mean no snotty little comments or suggestions from now on, I bet you will free them to start cleaning their room more because you're not watching and waiting and picking it apart.
[301] When you step back as a parent, it gives your kids space to step up.
[302] And no, don't let the house cleaner pick up their room for, them let them own it and keep that door shut and by the way if you really struggle with messes i think last november i did two podcasts on sitting in messes until they don't trigger you and then teaching your kids how to clean up check those out binge listen to past episodes hey listen thank you for listening to our podcast taking the time thank you for subscribing thank you for sharing it with other parents it means a lot to us that you do that thank you for listening to the ads i know sometimes are annoying but listen to them like at one point five speed i listen to all podcasts at at least one two five speed and because i like to go fast with it and and you get through a lot more material that way but i do appreciate you being so engaged with us on instagram and i do just want to thank you for all those things and thank you for digging in so hard those of you who have invested in our programs thank you for for making the emotional financial investment to change yourself and work hard on this and we are committed to always helping you with this and working through the toughest issues so you guys are awesome parents love you all bye bye