Why You Should NOT Talk About A Child's Feelings

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[22] Does your child ever struggle with being angry or frustrated or anxious?

[23] Well, of course they do.

[24] otherwise you wouldn't be listening to the Calm Parenting podcast.

[25] So I'm glad you are.

[26] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[27] Welcome.

[28] You can find us at CelebrateCalm .com.

[29] If you need help with anything, reach out to our strong -willed son, who never really had a problem sharing his feelings, just usually inappropriately, when he was little, but you can contact him at K -C -C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[30] You know the drill.

[31] Tell us about your family.

[32] What are you struggling with?

[33] We'll give you some ideas, some strategies, some insights.

[34] If you need help with anything, we can put together a custom package of our resources within your budget or you take advantage of the, we have a big birthday sale going on.

[35] I know it's like a week and a half past my birthday, but we like helping people.

[36] The prices were great.

[37] We're getting good feedback.

[38] And it's our company.

[39] So if I want to do a birthday sale three weeks later, I'll do it because I'm like your kids.

[40] I'm a little bit oppositional.

[41] Anyway, so here's some context.

[42] A couple of different examples for little kids and older kids.

[43] So recently I was in this school, they hired me to do teacher training and parent training and just kind of walk around the halls and visit different classrooms and help out.

[44] It was a really cool experience.

[45] But I remember walking into this one classroom and the teacher with a little guy was saying, okay, honey, you know, use your words, use your words.

[46] And what I could see was that was actually making the little kid more frustrated because he was already very frustrated and asking a child, really of any age, to use your words is difficult.

[47] When you're really upset, it's hard to verbalize what's going on.

[48] And so I want to show you a different way.

[49] The other part of context is I was just doing a phone consultation with a really nice couple and they've got a teenage son.

[50] And they were saying like, well, he's bottling things up and we just want him to share his emotions with us.

[51] And the dad was taking him to an extracurricular.

[52] And the child was kind of a little bit quiet.

[53] And the dad was like, well, I was just trying to get him open up.

[54] You know, I just wanted him to express his feelings.

[55] And so we kind of work through it because oftentimes when we do that to our kids, it actually causes them to shut down.

[56] And I've noticed this tendency among more engaged connected parents.

[57] Kudos to you for being connected to your kids.

[58] we tend to encourage or urge our kids to share your feelings, let's talk about what's bothering you, and use your words, right?

[59] Now, bottling up your feelings, obviously, isn't healthy.

[60] But that doesn't mean you have to express your feelings all the time, especially on someone else's timeline while they're looking at you, right?

[61] Using words isn't the only way to express or deal with your emotions.

[62] And by the way, who says you have to express your emotions in the first place?

[63] Why do you have to talk about it all the time?

[64] What if you acknowledge how you're feeling, but then you take an action to actually deal with or alleviate negative feelings?

[65] See, when I'm frustrated or anxious, I don't always want to talk about it.

[66] Sometimes I do, but sometimes I don't.

[67] I note inside how I'm feeling, then I may do some intense exercise or I go for a long walk or I simply sleep and then I feel better.

[68] And so as we go through this, I want to show you a couple different ways to do this.

[69] Because when we're talking about the smaller younger child of like, you know, let's use your words, honey, what's often happening and what they need the adult to do is not to talk and talk and talk about it.

[70] because that makes you sometimes feel like you're being psychoanalyzed.

[71] Sometimes what the child needs is for you to identify it.

[72] Oh, buddy, listen, I can tell you're really frustrated.

[73] If I were you, I'd be frustrated too.

[74] You know what I'm do when I'm frustrated?

[75] I do 10 jumping jacks.

[76] I do push -ups.

[77] I go for a walk in the neighborhood.

[78] I play catch.

[79] Whatever it is you want to lead your child to do.

[80] But sometimes it's up to us to say, oh, man, look, sometimes, It's not a real mystery.

[81] They're angry because you didn't give them what they wanted, right?

[82] You don't need for them to use their words.

[83] Or they're sad about something because they're not getting to go to a play date with their friend.

[84] They don't have to always verbalize that.

[85] That can be a little bit annoying at times.

[86] So what they really need is some context, some perspective to know, hey, I get how you're feeling.

[87] I'd be feeling that way too.

[88] But just know, look, let me get the calendar out and I'll contact Johnny's mom and we'll make a play date for next Thursday, right?

[89] Sometimes we just need to problem solve through it.

[90] So does that make sense so far?

[91] So here's what I want to do.

[92] I want to give you a script for this, especially with, say, a child who's a little bit older.

[93] For the younger kids, identify, move them to an action step.

[94] Really?

[95] right?

[96] It's really, really helpful.

[97] So try this.

[98] Next time, let's say you're driving in the car.

[99] Picture this, driving in the car.

[100] Your child is clearly upset or anxious.

[101] Something's going on.

[102] Instead of asking them to share their feelings because it feels like we're interrogating them.

[103] Even though our intentions are, I just want to help you.

[104] I just want to listen.

[105] Like, I'm just trying to be a good parent, right?

[106] Like my parents never cared about my feelings.

[107] I'm actually trying to care.

[108] Right?

[109] So you're not doing anything wrong with it.

[110] it's just that it puts them on the defensive and it feels like interrogation then when they don't respond you're like you know i was just trying to get you to open up you know if you don't open up and then we talk talk talk lecture lecture and then they're never going to talk to you so try this sometimes i use an analogy in my own life to demonstrate that i understand how difficult it can be so the child feels understood second thing i normalize it so my child knows it's perfectly normal to feel that way.

[111] There's nothing wrong with him.

[112] And then the third thing is, like I mentioned with the little kids, action stuff.

[113] Show him how you deal with your own anxiety, your own frustration, because now you're problem solving.

[114] So the script may sound like this.

[115] You're driving in the car, you notice that your child's a little bit anxious, something's going on.

[116] You say, you know, I was just thinking, I've got this presentation coming up at the office, and I get really anxious when I have that, my stomach gets a little bit upset, and I'm on edge sometimes, and I know probably if you ever hear me snap a little bit, it's usually because of I'm anxious about something.

[117] And I just want to know, like, that's normal, right?

[118] So you should be a little anxious before trying new things, right?

[119] Son, it would be odd if you weren't feeling anxious going to this new class.

[120] So that's why on some days, I don't know if you notice, but I'll get up really early and I'll go for a run, or I'll work out because I kind of sweat that anxiety off.

[121] And then I'll get into the office a little bit early and I'll do a couple jobs and I'm really good at because that makes me feel settled.

[122] Now, I'm usually still feel a little bit anxious until I begin speaking at the presentation, but then it feels better.

[123] So why don't we think about a couple ways we could help alleviate your anxiety when you have to go to that new class?

[124] right does that make sense i'm identifying with the child i'm letting them know it's perfectly normal and it's one of my favorite things for modern day parents is normalize the stuff that your kids are going through we live in a society where we make a big deal out of everything oh well i think my child has this i think he has this well of course you struggle right one of my favorite phrases of course of course you're anxious that doesn't surprise me of course you're frustrated Because if I were you, I'd be frustrated too.

[125] Of course, younger child, you're angry because I won't give you what you want.

[126] I get it.

[127] Right?

[128] That doesn't throw me off.

[129] Let me just show you what to do with your frustration.

[130] Let me show you what to do with that anger, that disappointment, that anxiety.

[131] And now I move toward an action step.

[132] So I'm actually problem solving so that in the future he knows, oh, when I feel anxious, one of the best things I can do is I can go get some exercise.

[133] I can do something I'm good at doing.

[134] I can get there early.

[135] I can ask the person, the Taekwondo teacher, to give me a job to do.

[136] I can ask my teacher to give me a job because I'm really good at doing jobs and that makes me feel in control of something.

[137] You're giving them a lifelong skill, right?

[138] So I hope that makes sense.

[139] It's what I want you to work on this week.

[140] Okay, let's work on doing that of not talking so much.

[141] but kind of understanding, normalizing, and then moving to problem solving.

[142] If you need help with that, reach out to us because I love helping out with that.

[143] I love on the phone consultations.

[144] I can give like scripts like that, but we've got scripts all through the programs and the birthday sale, and we'll be glad to help you.

[145] So reach out, Casey at CelebrateColm .com.

[146] If we can help you in any way, just let us know.

[147] It's what we exist to do.

[148] And by the way, if you want to book live events, contact Casey for that.

[149] and thanks for sharing this podcast with others.

[150] Love you all.

[151] Talk to you soon.

[152] Bye -bye.