MFM Minisode 130

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And a long jacket.

[2] That's our cake cover.

[3] We got it.

[4] All right, let's get out of it.

[5] That's beautiful.

[6] We've been recording for eight minutes.

[7] Go to my favorite mirror Instagram to see that video that I'll forget to put up.

[8] Yay.

[9] Yay.

[10] Karen, I'm so impressed.

[11] I don't think I've ever seen you play guitar.

[12] Oh, except for on stage.

[13] Have I not made you sit in front of me up close while I...

[14] Do you know that the...

[15] You did.

[16] It's called Largo.

[17] The old one.

[18] Uh -huh.

[19] Girls Guitar Club.

[20] I one time on The Walking the Room podcast long ago with Greg Barrett and Dave Anthony, at the end of it, Greg wanted me to play one of my songs.

[21] And they used to record in Greg's upstairs walk -in closets because the acoustics were better.

[22] And Dave was like, I can't be in here with this.

[23] And I had to get up and leave.

[24] It was too loud?

[25] No, no, no. It was like too uncomfortable to have to sit next to a person who was going to sing a song.

[26] Oh.

[27] Is it weird singing that close to people?

[28] It is, and I think it's that, it's like, it's vulnerable and it makes you feel probably pity for the person that's doing it or, like, some kind of emotional thing.

[29] I get that, but only when they're bad.

[30] Like, when they're good, I'm like, in awe.

[31] But if you had to, like, you just had to do with me, that would feel bad.

[32] But see, you made an artistic choice.

[33] That's bold.

[34] Yeah.

[35] Thank you.

[36] I liked it.

[37] How about today you have to sing all the hometown murders?

[38] Good idea.

[39] This is called the Swiss cheese pervert.

[40] Lighthearted.

[41] hometown.

[42] So maybe a little bouncy.

[43] Hi, Karen, Georgia, Stephen and Albison, Mimi.

[44] My name is Amanda, and I live right outside of Cherry Hill, the New Jersey one.

[45] I hate, I have so much hate for mistakes.

[46] No. No, I say no for that.

[47] Nope.

[48] No. In early 2014, I was a college student in Philadelphia when a man dubbed The Swiss Cheese Pervert began cruising the streets of Philly.

[49] Oh, no. In search of a woman to engage in sex acts with him and a slice of Swiss cheese.

[50] Sorry, what?

[51] He exposed both the slice of Swiss and his genitals to four different women, all of whom declined.

[52] Shocking, I know.

[53] Hold on.

[54] Yeah, that's a question this.

[55] He's pulling out his dick.

[56] That's a classic move of a pervert.

[57] Was that me?

[58] That was me. Okay.

[59] Because I didn't feel it, so that would have been upsetting.

[60] He pulls out his dick But then he also pulls out a slice of Swiss cheese And shows it as well I think he's like eh Huh?

[61] Huh?

[62] And like he's hoping some women's like Oh my God, that's my exact fetish shoe And I've always wanted to do that But nobody's ever like count You know, more soulmates Before the internet No, 2014 Oh fuck Dude I mean I hate to fucking be gross about this But is the holes in Swiss cheese Is that what we're talking about?

[63] Oh my God did he have the Swiss cheese on his penis?

[64] And she's like this.

[65] He's like, do you like deli?

[66] Okay.

[67] Are we talking thin sliced?

[68] What are we talking here?

[69] Was it a triangle of Havarty?

[70] Was it Yarlesburger?

[71] Like, are we really going to Swiss town?

[72] Are we going to go all the way to Switzerland?

[73] Are you going to pay the premium price of Swiss?

[74] Or is this some safeway select piece of shit?

[75] Thank God Vince haste Swiss cheese.

[76] Declined.

[77] However, two of the women were able to to capture photos of him not in a like oh my god and i'm like oh my god yes way i'm sure cheese slices and all wait can i while you read this look it up yes the philadelphia police shared the images oh my god karen now and naturally the pun started rolling in leave the perv alone oh leave the provolone leave the pervalon oh leave the provolone thank you honey i love this what a monster nice That's my favorite one so far.

[78] Jesus Christ.

[79] Classic.

[80] And he probably saw this and blew his brains out.

[81] B -L -U -E -U.

[82] Flew his brains out.

[83] Oh, yeah.

[84] That's a whole different school of cheese, though, from Swiss.

[85] I'm just saying we're not close thematically.

[86] What about, let's see, what do we got here?

[87] Gouda, Gouda, that's a Gouda -looking.

[88] Your dick looks pretty Gouda from here.

[89] Something like that.

[90] There she is.

[91] Can you?

[92] Can I see that?

[93] he's sitting in a car it's so good he's sitting in a car he's sitting in a car he's sitting in a car with a shirt on but his pants off um dangling the cheese over his dock this is a very specific thing that happened to him that makes him do this today i mean he's not even creative enough to put his dick to the hole no he's just holding the cheese like it's his paperwork that says it's okay for him to show you his day it's almost like he's like, hey, come and eat this piece of cheese.

[94] I'm going to trick you.

[95] And the women are like, I'm going to eat the piece of cheese.

[96] Oh, no, your dick is there.

[97] Yeah, like you're a Labrador retriever where you're like, oh, I love cheese.

[98] Uh -oh.

[99] There's a pill in this.

[100] And it's called your dick.

[101] It's called Yadik.

[102] Yiddick.

[103] The man was identified and pled guilty to indecent exposure.

[104] He had arrest from 2006 and nine for similar cheese -related harassment.

[105] No. Several women came forward.

[106] I should have read this last.

[107] Several women came forward.

[108] I get why Stephen wrote lighthearted because he's like, read this.

[109] last so you're not all depressed.

[110] Oh, yeah.

[111] As was our absolute demand last week.

[112] Then, Stephen, you shouldn't have put it on top.

[113] I'm just saying.

[114] I'm sorry.

[115] I'll read it again at the end.

[116] Contact him.

[117] Okay, several women came forward that had contact with him on dating websites where he would message them similar propositions, sometimes going to detail by the various types of cheese he has masturbated with and his conclusion that Swiss was the best because of the texture and the holes.

[118] please get to the hole.

[119] Hopefully the Swiss cheese pervert either learned his lesson or found a lady friend who loves Swiss as much as he does.

[120] Neither of those things happen.

[121] Nope.

[122] Guarantee it.

[123] Yep.

[124] Stay safe out there, friends.

[125] And remember that cheese is the adult version of candy.

[126] Don't accept any from strangers especially if they have their junk out.

[127] Love Amanda.

[128] P .S. Your show in Glenside was amazing.

[129] I'm still laughing about the 911 cow.

[130] Oh yeah.

[131] Oh, yeah.

[132] Someone already made a drawing of the 911 cow.

[133] The Amish 911 cow.

[134] Yeah.

[135] Well, I eventually put Glensight out because that was, I think, one of our favorite live shows.

[136] Oh, my God, the Swiss cheese pervert is now in my, I'd say, in my top three.

[137] Yeah.

[138] I love knowing that that exists.

[139] I love seeing a picture of a man sitting in his car.

[140] Here's the indignity of it all, which I feel like people maybe not, they don't think through of, what would this picture look like?

[141] What does this look like to the person I'm presenting it to?

[142] This is the digital age.

[143] Yeah.

[144] And so you need to be.

[145] At least throw some duck lips out there if you're going to do all the rest of it.

[146] But he's just told also that slice of Swiss cheese was huge.

[147] It was huge.

[148] It was really large.

[149] Yeah.

[150] I couldn't say the same for the, his dick, except I wouldn't know because there was a giant star over it.

[151] Thank God.

[152] It was like a world star star right over that penis.

[153] I guess you don't want to think about dick and cheese in the same thing.

[154] Dick and cheese.

[155] Anyway, it's unpleasant for sure.

[156] Also, he has kind of a gut, which almost says like maybe I should get off dairy.

[157] Right.

[158] You know, maybe there's something going on.

[159] Maybe he's lactose intolerant.

[160] What if he's just, like, helpless to it?

[161] He's just like, these are the things I have to have.

[162] I mean, I get it.

[163] I'm obsessed with cheese.

[164] I love cheese.

[165] I get it.

[166] You know how I am around a cheese plate.

[167] You're kind of a Swiss, I mean, a cheese pervert yourself.

[168] I am a cheese pervert.

[169] So when my allergist recently told me I had a lay off it, I almost punched him in the face.

[170] But then he was like, okay, only cow milk.

[171] Like, he gave me. He knew I couldn't do it.

[172] Oh, well, I love goat cheese.

[173] that's that's not the worst news in the world goats cheese what else is there buffalo cheese velvita that's not cheese you're right you can go right to that it's fair with a dairy restriction okay there's no subject line on this one but hey guys I was backpacking through Thailand last month and met a German tourist who shared a story with me that I thought you'd appreciate my new German friend was out swimming one day in Koi Fifi that's a full guest sure or Koi Phi Phi Fai oi -be cover all your bases this is an island on the south end of Thailand somewhat later in the evening suddenly a lady on the beach started shouting about a person floating out in the water that appeared to be drowning this person was floating just past the buoy line indicating the end of the designated swim zone I guess my new German friend had some previous lifeguarding experience and decided to be the hero and swim out to rescue him when he finally reached the person in the water he realized that they were blue yes blue and had a large gouge out of their forehead the person he had swum out to save was actually a corpse and appeared to have been dead for some time the german guy dragged the body into shore upon further inspection of the corpse realized he knew the guy no yes this man was on one of his tour groups only two days earlier the authorities were called and it was extrapolated that his was that he was struck in the head by a boat while swimming outside the beach's designated swim zone.

[174] Hope you enjoyed the story, stay sexy, and don't swim past the booie line, Casey.

[175] Oh, man. Isn't that nuts?

[176] That's maybe one of the nutcest we've had.

[177] That's so nuts.

[178] And what a weird feeling because you only know that person two days were.

[179] But you also know them enough as a person to be like, holy good God.

[180] And what a bummer way to go, man. Hopefully it was fast.

[181] Yeah, and hopefully the boating person didn't know that he had just done that and then just kept boating away into the fucking sunrise set.

[182] Did you, sorry.

[183] Did you see, there's sidebar article discussion.

[184] They just discovered a shark.

[185] Wait, what?

[186] They just discovered a shark.

[187] Oh, no. What's going to be?

[188] They just discovered a shark in Greenland that's 400 years old.

[189] No. And Stephen, please find the picture.

[190] Because it doesn't have any teeth.

[191] And its eyes are kind of like, what?

[192] It's like, someone kill me, please.

[193] It looks like a cartoon of a worried shark.

[194] And it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

[195] Just thinking of like horrible ocean things.

[196] But there's also some great things happening in the ocean, too.

[197] Oh, an old man shark.

[198] I've seen it.

[199] There's one picture that's from the teeth.

[200] You can see the mouth.

[201] He's like enough already.

[202] It's a woman, of course.

[203] She's like, enough already.

[204] She's like, kill me now.

[205] Like 300 years ago, I was done with this shit.

[206] She's like, no, I can't join Tinder.

[207] Yeah, this water tastes like gasoline.

[208] Can I get out of here?

[209] I was, I swam around with everything.

[210] Isn't that the best?

[211] She's like, Trump's president.

[212] Let me fucking leave this world already.

[213] Why's the one where?

[214] There's one where it literally looks like someone went and pulled every tooth out of her mouth.

[215] How cute would a shark without teeth be?

[216] Like, you could put, like, it's like a snake without venom.

[217] You'd be like, oh, you're going to bite me?

[218] I know.

[219] Oh, you gum my arm.

[220] You funny little thing.

[221] You went to my apple some.

[222] You're scratching this shark.

[223] 400 years old, though.

[224] That's bananas.

[225] The sharks are aliens.

[226] Stephen brought up sharks with human teeth.

[227] I think it was, I forget, it was the shark tank murder in Australia.

[228] Yes.

[229] Oh, yeah, yes.

[230] We, like, threw one of these up on the stage.

[231] Just for fun.

[232] The best.

[233] Listen, they're aliens.

[234] It's crazy.

[235] Look.

[236] Look, listen.

[237] Okay, this one is called cat calling arson.

[238] Okay.

[239] Hi, all.

[240] Let's just jump in.

[241] Yes, let's learn.

[242] So when I was 10 -11 -ish, my older cousin and I were at her parents' house.

[243] It was mid -afternoon Sunday, and our parents had gone to church to work on some youth event.

[244] We live in a fairly safe small -town southern community in North Carolina.

[245] My cousin's house had a large, unfurnished basement with sheets hanging up everywhere to separate all the hoarded junk sitting around.

[246] That sounds creepy.

[247] Hiding their clutter as good southern people do.

[248] Nice.

[249] Just hanging sheets to hide your hoarding.

[250] Just throw up a nice curtain.

[251] room.

[252] It's like a wall.

[253] Don't worry about it.

[254] Don't even worry about it.

[255] I was helping my cousin finish her list of chores and follow her downstairs to take another load of laundry down and grab clothes out of the dryer.

[256] The washer and dryer are located in the back of the basement in a large open room.

[257] So I'm folding clothes out of a basket and she's at the washer putting in another load and I hear this whistle.

[258] You know that and then this part speaks to my heart because I can't whistle.

[259] So she says, you know that weat -woo guys do when they're cock calling a lady on the street.

[260] and I fucking whi -hoo, that one.

[261] I can't whistle, so that's all I would be able to say.

[262] Can you?

[263] There you go.

[264] And it scared both the cats.

[265] I think it's a way funnier and more attractive thing to just yell wheat -woo.

[266] Wheat -woo.

[267] Just like when I saw the wheat -woo, like, typed out, I was like, I know what you're talking about.

[268] Wheat -woo.

[269] My cousin is mid -sentence.

[270] So I look at her and go, how did you do that?

[271] And she turns around and says, what?

[272] And I'm like, whistle mid -sentence.

[273] How did you do that?

[274] She denies she whistles and said, you clearly whistled, not me. To which I deny because I can't whistle.

[275] I still can't whistle 15 years later.

[276] And then says, I'm sitting on the couch fake whistling to confirm.

[277] And as we are looking at each other with our mouths, clearly not moving, we both hear the whistle again.

[278] Wee, woo.

[279] Picture in your mind.

[280] Wee, woo.

[281] This time it's so much creepier.

[282] Yeah, this time, I dropped the clothes and run, tearing up the stairs with my cousin not far behind me. We run up the stairs, shutting the basement door, and locking it behind us.

[283] Oh, we, Carrie, I just put it together.

[284] Like, I knew it factually, but I just put it together.

[285] They're in a fucking basement.

[286] They're in a basement, and there's sheets hanging all over, hiding shit, and they hear we, whoa.

[287] You set the whole scene, and then the second it was the cat calling.

[288] You're like, outside.

[289] Outside in front of, like, a scaffolding.

[290] like New York City Street.

[291] They're home alone in a basement.

[292] In a basement.

[293] Horting basement.

[294] Okay.

[295] Da -da -da -da -da -da.

[296] I call her dad who laughs us off until he hears a, we are clearly in panic and comes home from church.

[297] He's back within 10 minutes with a crowbar and my dad in tow behind him and they go to investigate.

[298] Fuck yeah, dad.

[299] Yes.

[300] My cousin and I sit upstairs frozen until they call us down.

[301] To our horror, the basement door that leads to outside is open, which it clearly was not when we were down there.

[302] So someone was standing there in the dark behind one of those rooms, curtained off by sheets, whistling at two little girls, and high -tailed out the door and we screamed and ran out the stairs.

[303] My cousin's house burned down twice after that over a period of seven years.

[304] What the fuck?

[305] Yeah.

[306] The first time, according to firefighters' official reports, the fire started downstairs in the basement in the middle of a concrete floor, um, how, ruining all of downstairs and the majority of everything they owned.

[307] So they rebuilt and finished the basement.

[308] The second fire supposedly started upstairs in a bookshelf, no explanation of how or source, no candles around nothing.

[309] Insurance later dropped them because they could not explain how the fire started in suspected arson.

[310] Whoa.

[311] Needless to say, my cousin, and I can't help but feel like that creepy Sunday afternoon whistle had something to do with the fires.

[312] Oh, and they're still living in that house.

[313] Stay sexy, and if you hear a whistle, run or move, Lauren.

[314] Holy shit.

[315] How creepy is that?

[316] Also, because if it say it just is, worst case scenario, it's some sex offender that's like, hiding.

[317] Yeah, like, that's the worst case scenario is a sex offender hiding in the basement where two little girls are fucking doing laundry.

[318] But then it would make sense if that person continues to live and be in that house, that he's a fire stata.

[319] Yeah, he's a fire.

[320] He's a dadda.

[321] Wheat -Woo.

[322] Name Mr. Wheat -Woo.

[323] Oh, Jerry Wheat -Woo, he got a jail six months ago.

[324] I'm not going to read you the subject line of this one because it'll give it away.

[325] Okay.

[326] Hey, Elvis, assorted other animals, humans, and Stephen's mustache.

[327] I think actually that's redundant and Stephen's mustache is assorted other animals, but I'm not going to start criticizing right away.

[328] I don't know why I've hung on to this story for so long, but since I'm recovering from pneumonia this week, I guess I've got time.

[329] Anyway, about 35 years ago, I went to the Oakland Zoo with my parents, who probably had no business being parents, to be honest.

[330] I was only five or six, so I don't remember anything about this trip except this.

[331] The zoo had a baby hippo named Mugs because he was so.

[332] sponsored.

[333] No. What?

[334] Sorry.

[335] Because he was sponsored by mug, Root Beer.

[336] Oh my God.

[337] That's the cutest thing I've ever heard.

[338] Why did they name him Roop Beer?

[339] It's like, it's the most uncreative thing.

[340] You're just like, mugs?

[341] Mugs for mug root beer.

[342] Okay.

[343] Luckily, it wasn't named A &W, because that would have been confusing, hard for the children.

[344] All right.

[345] Oh, parentheses.

[346] I would love if anybody could confirm that they had a baby, be hippo name mugs, but I swear I'm not making this up.

[347] Okay, close parentheses.

[348] Someone will answer that for you.

[349] Somebody might even have pictures.

[350] That's right.

[351] Because that's what I was looking up before we started.

[352] I was trying to make sure there's the Oakland Zoo, but then there's also a place in Oakland called Children's Fairyland that is, I think, 60 years old.

[353] Wow.

[354] And I couldn't remember if those two things were connected, because I don't think I've ever been to the Oakland Zoo, but we went to Children's Fairyland many times.

[355] That sounds so fun.

[356] It is the best fucking place.

[357] My sister recently went there with her class and sent me pictures and all the stuff's the same.

[358] Oh, my God.

[359] Because it's not brand.

[360] Yeah.

[361] So it's just like there's one thing where there's a whale's mouth open and then you walk into the whale's mouth to get to one of the, like to the show area or whatever.

[362] I don't, I don't remember.

[363] I'm into it.

[364] Okay.

[365] And there's a water fountain that you stick your head into a hippo's mouth to drink water.

[366] That's so cute.

[367] And that's what made me think of it.

[368] Maybe his name is Mugs.

[369] Maybe there's Rupier.

[370] It's Rupier.

[371] It's a Rupier.

[372] That'd be amazing if all water fountains at like children's places like that were just like and soda.

[373] It's just a bunch of tang coming out of a hippopotamus's mouth.

[374] Anyway, of course there were signs that said something like, do not put arms and legs over the railing of the hippo pen.

[375] So of course, what does my dad do?

[376] But put me right on the railing with my legs dangling over.

[377] I guess nobody knew how dangerous.

[378] hippos were back then.

[379] They absolutely didn't.

[380] Really?

[381] No. Are they super dangerous?

[382] They are super dangerous.

[383] They're the number one killer of tourists in Africa or in the Congo or something.

[384] Wherever people go to look at like animals, you know, in the wild in Africa, they kill tourists the most because people think they're friendly and cute and ballerinas, but they're not.

[385] Wait, they're not ballerinas?

[386] I'm sorry.

[387] But yeah, you've been introduced to many a cartoon hippo by thinking that it's a, female hippo that also wants to be a ballerina isn't that funny and great no no it's not real george i'm sorry wait listen because this will make you happy okay well mugs being curious and probably hungry came right up to me and swallowed me up to my waist oh oh dear i began screaming my mom began screaming at my dad and my dad started pounding on mugs's snout i distinctly remember being covered in hippo slobber and the feel of the hippo's teeth clamping down on my legs everybody is losing their shit now and it seemed like forever but it was probably only a few seconds but mugs who was probably confused as fuck yeah finally let go of me i guess i didn't taste too good the even crazier part was there were no zookeepers around oh my god at least none that i can remember totally traumatizing to kid me but pretty funny now anyway i love you all at mfm thanks so much for the show Stay sexy and don't get eaten by a baby hippo, James from Oakland.

[388] That's bananas.

[389] Like, what if it had been a full -grown hippo?

[390] I know.

[391] What if it had been...

[392] I was trying to think of a funny thing instead of mug, like a pint glass.

[393] Forget it.

[394] A liter bottle?

[395] Yeah.

[396] No, it's, I mean, if it was a full -grown hippo, that little kid would have been gone, I think.

[397] Oh, my God.

[398] Isn't that poor hippos?

[399] Like, what are you doing?

[400] You just dangled food into my cage.

[401] Yeah, you basically gave me two stakes with some shoes.

[402] on them.

[403] You handed me a snack.

[404] What am I supposed to?

[405] Now you're hating me about it?

[406] You know what?

[407] I'm not doing ballet anymore.

[408] I quit.

[409] I quit.

[410] Goodbye to the nutcracker this year.

[411] That's right.

[412] You can find another fucking hippo.

[413] Good luck.

[414] Dance your goddamn dance for you.

[415] I don't get to eat a five year old if I feel like it.

[416] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[417] Absolutely.

[418] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[419] Exactly.

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[436] Goodbye.

[437] Georgia, what if I told you we could be transported to the 1920s to solve a murder?

[438] I'd say my entire life and wardrobe have led me to this point.

[439] If you want to escape to a bygone age of mystery, danger, and romance, then check out June's Journey, The Hidden Object Mystery Game, that tests your detective skills.

[440] June's Journey is a mobile mystery game that follows June Parker and New York Socialite living in London.

[441] As June Parker, you'll investigate beautifully detailed scenes of the 1920s while uncovering the mystery of her sister's murder.

[442] There are twists, turns, and catchy tunes, all leading you deeper into the thrilling storyline.

[443] And if you play well enough, you could make it to the detective club where you can chat with other players and either team up with them or compete against them.

[444] June needs your help, but watch out.

[445] You never know which character might be a villain.

[446] Find out as you escape this world and dive into June's world of mystery, murder, and romance.

[447] Can you crack the case?

[448] Download June's Journey for free today on iOS and Android.

[449] Discover your inner detective when you download June's Journey for free today on iOS and Android.

[450] That's June's Journey.

[451] Download the game for free.

[452] free on iOS and Android.

[453] Goodbye.

[454] This is called my mother's ex -boyfriend, the cocaine cowboy.

[455] Whoa.

[456] And then it says, hi.

[457] You know when you date someone and break up and run into them years later, only to be like, yikes, I really dodged a bullet there?

[458] That happened to my mom, except she saw him in a newspaper and he was dead.

[459] Oh, no. A few months ago, she told me about an ex of hers.

[460] Andrew Carter Thornton, the second, definitely bound to end up as someone.

[461] kind of criminal with that name.

[462] They were introduced by a mutual friend and started dating.

[463] He was dashing, charming, well -educated, successful, worked for the DEA, uh -oh.

[464] And took her to great restaurants.

[465] That's all I fucking need.

[466] That's my only one.

[467] Say no more.

[468] Ask no questions.

[469] Exactly.

[470] Things were going well.

[471] But then the restaurants became seedier and seedier.

[472] He started flaking a lot and his stories never really seemed to check out.

[473] When she asked what the deal was with that shit, he said he was undercover for the DEA and couldn't be seen out.

[474] or blow his cover.

[475] That's a great story.

[476] She didn't buy it and said, Bye, girl, to his shady ass.

[477] A few years later in 1985, she saw a headline in the newspaper and then, parentheses, it says, above the fold, quote, she likes to say, meaning it's like front page reported.

[478] That's big news.

[479] That read, quote, cocaine and a dead bear.

[480] Her boy, Andrew, had jumped from his drug smuggling plane.

[481] His first parachute and had an open for a mysterious and perhaps de various reason, we'll never really know.

[482] His second clearly hadn't done the job, and he was found dead in a Knoxville, Tennessee driveway.

[483] His crash landing earned him the title of Cocaine Cowboy.

[484] Wow.

[485] According to the articles I read and lifted from, he was found wearing a bulletproof vests and Gucci loafers, carrying a browning 9mm automatic pistol, a 22 caliber derringer, ammunition, night vision goggles, books with names and codes, thousands of dollars in cash, and six Cougarans and then all caps Trazier But only six?

[486] Yeah I mean That's why you fell from the fucking ground Those things are heavy, right?

[487] He sewed them into the lining of his jacket Yeah Chasier He also had food rations and vitamins And a compass An Altameter Identification papers and two different names A membership card to the Miami Jockey Club And the key to the airplane Miami Jockey Club like horse jockeys I guess What the fuck?

[488] I don't know Why do you need a compass at the jockey club?

[489] Are you going to the forest?

[490] Are you going to Germany?

[491] Is that what an altimeter is?

[492] I thought I think it's altimeter And I also said a compass.

[493] Is that why you thought that?

[494] But I think altimeters are in planes.

[495] That's my guess.

[496] I don't know.

[497] Well, I don't never.

[498] I don't know.

[499] Well, I never.

[500] And then it's told anything of relevant information.

[501] And then it says, oh, also, 77 pounds of cocaine.

[502] Oh, shit.

[503] Worth literally millions of dollars.

[504] You know the basics.

[505] Yeah.

[506] A few months later, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation reported that a dead 175 pound bear was found among 40 open containers of cocaine matching the packaging used by Thornton.

[507] Oh, no. The bear OD?

[508] That poor, this is that poor bear at OD on the cocaine and had presumably been thrown from the plane mid -flight because it was carrying too much weight.

[509] Wait, no. Let me read that again.

[510] That poor bear had OD on the cocaine that had presumably been thrown from the plane mid -flight because it was carrying too much weight.

[511] He's going down his checklist.

[512] He's like, Cougarance, check, altimeter, check, a bear.

[513] Check.

[514] Get the bear on his plane.

[515] A bear on cocaine.

[516] That poor bear.

[517] Oh, that poor bear.

[518] Turns out, Andrew was a former narcotics officer and suspended lawyer who had not.

[519] been undercover for the DEA, as he said, though he had worked for them at one point, but instead had been on the run from them while he was dating my mom.

[520] Wow.

[521] He'd been working for a huge weapons and drug smuggling operation, and according to one article, he became one of the highest ranking members.

[522] This whole story is allegedly part of a larger conspiracy regarding drug trafficking slash the CIA slash a major weapons theft, but that could be a minisode in itself.

[523] So I'll just leave the story at that.

[524] Stay sexy and don't leave your drugs where bears can get them, Sam.

[525] shit Sam that was great that was legendary as like a touch of D .B. Cooper totally is a touch of that story that you did about the tracks yeah oh my God oh my God and then of course bears and then bears bear O'Ds sorry for the animal nature people out there that we had to include that no all bears were harmed in the making of this minisode but at the same time they harm themselves that's right and addiction is a disease say no to coat that poor bear that I thought it was like powdered sugar.

[526] He's like, hmm, delicious cereal.

[527] I see him like diving, doing a dive.

[528] A perfect dive.

[529] And then he's walking around smoking and talking about your beer restaurant.

[530] Oh, a restaurant.

[531] We're called Bear Essentials.

[532] It's all honey.

[533] Oh my God.

[534] We got to get some bees in on this.

[535] Sticks his head and a beehive.

[536] Okay, the subject line of this is my grandpa is crazier than your grandpa.

[537] Hmm.

[538] Hi.

[539] In the 1940s, my grandpa was a self -described hobo.

[540] He used to him.

[541] hike and ride around on trains, looking for work during the school year when he was a teenager.

[542] That sounds like so much fun.

[543] I mean, that's the life.

[544] And then he would come back to his parents' house during the summer to look out after, to look after his little brother, Gary.

[545] Every year, Gary would ask if he could go along.

[546] And when he turned 12 or 13, my grandpa finally agreed to take him.

[547] Can we just talk about babies named Gary real quick?

[548] I just want to take a fucking moment to let everyone know that there was like a child named Gary at one point in his life.

[549] Like a seven -year -old like, it's me, Gary.

[550] want to go on the train with you.

[551] Gary.

[552] Can I come on Gary.

[553] It's me Gary.

[554] Stop it, Gary.

[555] Honey, will you help the baby?

[556] Gary's crying.

[557] Well, you change Gary's diaper.

[558] Will you change Gary's diaper?

[559] Gary spit up again.

[560] Gary has a briefcase.

[561] He's only four.

[562] His diapers are in his briefcase.

[563] You just do the basics.

[564] Gary's got all this.

[565] equipment.

[566] Okay, go on with baby Gary.

[567] Okay, baby Gary gets to go because it's so long ago is the 40s.

[568] 13, it says, my grandpa finally agreed to take him.

[569] 13 is basically an adult, right?

[570] So I actually just started talking through the end of that paragraph instead of just reading it.

[571] So they're leaving their hometown of Walla Walla, Washington, by the way of hitchhiking.

[572] They get picked up, and my grandpa is quietly sitting in the back seat.

[573] well Gary is making conversation with the driver Gary 13 Gary's just working the driver at this point I should mention two things my grandpa is quiet and salty and he refuses to comment on the story oh I love him Gary is the only one who will talk about it spoiler alert they both survive okay so this guy is driving and he takes an unexpected turn Gary says something about it and the guy doesn't respond then Gary goes seriously mister seriously mister you're headed down the wrong way And the man tells Gary, shut the fuck up And turns down a forested road Toward the mountains.

[574] After another minute or two, Gary asks the man to let them out.

[575] And the guy produces a pistol, points it at Gary and says, You'll get out when I say you'll get out.

[576] Oh, no. At which point, Gary hears a click from the back of the car.

[577] My grandpa is pointing a gun at the man. Holy shit.

[578] And then it just says, in quotes, in quotation, no, I think we'll get out here.

[579] Believe it or not, the guy was convinced and he let them go.

[580] Gary decided the hobo life wasn't for him and to this day, Granddad won't tell anyone where he got the gun.

[581] SSDGM, Casey Jane.

[582] P .S. looking forward to seeing you in San Francisco this October.

[583] What about this for a fucking Twisteroo?

[584] Yes.

[585] What if Gary, what's the dad, grandpa's name?

[586] It just says grandpa.

[587] What if grandpa, teenage grandpa, did it on purpose to scare Gary from ever coming again?

[588] Yes.

[589] Right?

[590] Oh my God.

[591] And then Gary's like, I want to go back home and grandpa's like, well, teenage grandma, I'm teenage grandpa.

[592] I got to go on my own, Gary.

[593] And the friend that's like, I'm scary random man from the car.

[594] There's problems because like, why does teenage grandpa know this creepy old man?

[595] Anyway, but that's not where that's the hobo life.

[596] They're not ageist.

[597] You know people, you have friends.

[598] You can start young.

[599] You can end old.

[600] You do it however you want.

[601] That's great.

[602] I love that the grandpa won't comment on it.

[603] I know.

[604] You got to have a gun with you if you're going to be like a fucking traveling hubbo.

[605] You got to have a piece or a switch blade.

[606] You get it.

[607] And also how smart of him to sit in the back seat.

[608] Yeah.

[609] It's like whatever happens here.

[610] Also, Gary's just totally a front seat bait.

[611] Chit, chat.

[612] You're just like, want you and go ahead and go up and sit up there.

[613] Go sit next to the old man. Pepper him with questions.

[614] See what he, how he responds.

[615] I'm not going to read you the subject line.

[616] Hello, beautiful ladies, Stephen and fur babies.

[617] I was listening to the.

[618] the minisode when you read the story about the girl trying to scare her grandmother, but instead it was someone trying to break in, and it reminded me of this story.

[619] Both my brother and his wife used to be cops.

[620] They both switch professions and are firefighters now.

[621] They have always taught their kids what to do in emergency situations.

[622] One day my niece, who was about 10 years old at the time, was at her friend's house.

[623] Well, while there, someone broke into her friend's house and threatened everyone inside.

[624] My niece was able to sneak away and head home.

[625] But instead of calling for help, she grabbed my brother's gun, loaded it, and went back to her friend's house.

[626] What?

[627] They lived next door.

[628] She walked in, aimed the gun at the man, and told him to get out of the house.

[629] Luckily, this was enough to scare away the man, and he left without harming anyone.

[630] Holy shit.

[631] Ten years old.

[632] Needless to say, my brother and his wife were both proud and horrified and found out what happened.

[633] And needless to say, they moved their guns to a different location, lock them up, and had a long chat with their kids about the correct way to handle a situation like that.

[634] Telling them about how to how to defend yourself, but didn't start with number one, call the police.

[635] You're not the police.

[636] You're 10.

[637] You're in a fourth grade.

[638] And you don't have to take this on.

[639] This is not, this is for adults.

[640] Yeah.

[641] Although you did.

[642] You did.

[643] Therefore, you're the most badass 10 year old of all time.

[644] And I will never stop smiling because I've heard your story.

[645] Stay sexy and teach your kids to call 911 instead of taking on a burglar by yourself.

[646] Sherry.

[647] Amazing.

[648] I love that 10 -year -old girl.

[649] I'm sorry.

[650] Maybe I'll have one kid.

[651] Just one.

[652] Maybe I'll have one 10 -year -old.

[653] I'll just have a 10 -year -old.

[654] I picture this little girl.

[655] This is when I first read this and I could not stop giggling.

[656] I pictured that it's like a terrible home invasion scene.

[657] And I picture a little girl with pigtails sliding backwards over the back of a couch, like when no one's looking.

[658] Like a slug, just kind of...

[659] Just kind of sliding back.

[660] Maybe she's double -jointed and just kind of puts all of her things at a joint.

[661] Very circus style.

[662] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[663] She's Cirque to Soleil backwards over the couch.

[664] She becomes liquid.

[665] She's liquids out the door, form of an ice cube shape of.

[666] But then it's pigtails kicking the door in with the gun going, get out of this motherfucking house.

[667] She's got braces.

[668] says, hey, motherfucker.

[669] She takes out a retainer so she can say it really clearly.

[670] Oh, I just love it.

[671] Amen.

[672] Children do not touch guns.

[673] Don't fuck.

[674] Lock up your guns, everyone.

[675] Everybody, lock your guns.

[676] Children never touch guns.

[677] It's not, don't touch guns.

[678] We don't think it's cool.

[679] Also, don't listen to this podcast of your child.

[680] Get the fuck out of here.

[681] Ten?

[682] Get out of here.

[683] Except for you, little, little hero.

[684] Yeah, a little punky bruster.

[685] You little badass punky bruster hero.

[686] Wow.

[687] Those were, what a great batch.

[688] Those were a great batch.

[689] Send your great batch to my favorite murder at Gmail.

[690] Oh, and also you can go now on our new, brand new pretty sparkly website and just submit there somewhere.

[691] Yes, that's right.

[692] You can go directly at www.

[693] www .murotmyfavor .com slash gov. Thanks for listening and sending in your stuff.

[694] And stay sexy.

[695] And don't get murdered.

[696] Goodbye.

[697] Elvis, you want a cookie?

[698] Ah!

[699] Wow.

[700] I didn't for that one.

[701] Thank you.