“I’m Stupid!” How to Change/Improve Behavior

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[22] So do you have a child who will say things like nobody likes me?

[23] I wish I hadn't been born.

[24] I'm so stupid.

[25] What's very common and it makes sense to me if you're a kid who feels like he doesn't fit in like nothing he can do is good enough for anyone maybe he's on those maybe do those uh behavior charts at school and he's always on red maybe he senses that you know you kind of like the other siblings better than him so that makes sense to me and last in the last podcast we talked about kids who constantly get in trouble and make bad decisions right in a frustrated parent you're going to say what do i need to do to get through to this kid but i will tell you it's that constant focus on trying to change the outward behavior, usually through ineffective consequences, that drives this kind of tragic thinking inside the child.

[26] So in this second part of the Calm Parenting podcast, I want to show you how to actually change this behavior while building your child's confidence and at the same time build a closer, more trusting relationship with your child, because good discipline should always lead to a closer, more trusting relationship with your child.

[27] Not parent, child that are angry at each other, not a parent who kind of withdraws and says, well, if he just shapes up, then I'll have a relationship with him.

[28] No, we can have both.

[29] So that's what we're going to address today on this episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[30] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

[31] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

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[36] Email Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateCom .com.

[37] Tell us about your family.

[38] What are you struggling with?

[39] We will talk about it.

[40] We will reply personally to you and give you some recommendations.

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[43] program.

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[47] So I did want to give a quick shout out to a really good dad.

[48] His name's Ryan.

[49] Not going to give away the last name.

[50] And he emailed me after the last podcast and said, you know that phrase like, what can I do to get through this kid?

[51] He said, I've literally used that phrase a dozen times in the past month, right?

[52] And you're not alone because that's a common thing that we say.

[53] And he said, I've been trying so hard to fix my son and somehow get through to him.

[54] through lecturing him, badgering him, taking away things, none of it has worked.

[55] And what I realized is I can't even control myself.

[56] So how can I ask him to control himself?

[57] So he said he went ahead, he got the app, he ordered our programs, and he said, I've been through the dad's program, through the 30 Days to Calm program, which is one of my favorites because we help you identify your triggers, and then come up with a different response to your trigger, right?

[58] And the best part is he said, I'm starting to change and my son is noticing it.

[59] Bingo, that's what we want.

[60] So well done, Ryan.

[61] Well done all the moms and dads out there.

[62] You know what you're doing?

[63] You're breaking generational patterns for your kids and for their families so they don't have to grow up and go through all the same stuff that we have.

[64] So, listen, I get it.

[65] Schools, a therapist will say, well, this is just a behavior issue.

[66] And that's why they do those red, yellow, and green behavior charts.

[67] never work and always make it worse, right?

[68] And there's a thinking, like, as if it's that simple for a child to turn this off and on.

[69] And I want you to hear this because sometimes it's good to get inside the head of the kid.

[70] And your kids aren't thinking, they're not like, here's what they would want to tell you.

[71] I don't wake up every morning thinking, hmm, how can I irritate everyone around me, right?

[72] I don't want to wake up to be in trouble at school and at home.

[73] I don't want people being angry at me, yelling and disappointed me. But since I was born, this is simply who I've always been.

[74] I keep getting in trouble for being the kid I've always been and doing what comes naturally.

[75] I want you to think about that.

[76] Think about a kid when they first go into preschool and I always tell the parents of a strong well child, especially when they're really young.

[77] like, guess what?

[78] When your child goes to preschool, you're going to get calls from the school because your child isn't going to follow directions the right way.

[79] They're going to get up and walk around.

[80] They're not going to sit still in circle time.

[81] They're going to be curious and get into things and think for a kid.

[82] Their job is to be curious and to explore.

[83] And they end up getting in trouble for doing the very thing that they're supposed to be doing because we overlay kids' lives with a lot of arbitrary standards that don't matter.

[84] And that's what ends up crushing your child's spirit.

[85] And so get back inside the head of this kid.

[86] He's like, I've got this busy brain.

[87] I've got tons of energy.

[88] And I'm particular about how I want things to be done, what I wear, what I eat, when I want to do my schoolwork, which is usually never.

[89] I didn't sit down and come up with some master plan about what personality I wanted to have or how my brain was supposed to work.

[90] I didn't choose this.

[91] My brain has simply worked this way since I was little.

[92] Look, good insight from the ADHD University program.

[93] We get this, it's frustrating because we have this thing where it's like, well, your child, he doesn't focus on things that he's not interested in.

[94] Well, that's the way the brain is supposed to work.

[95] it's not there's it's not a disorder that's the way it's supposed to work you're drawn to things you're interested in that's why look you don't apply for a job that you have no interest in you apply for a job in a field in which you probably have a natural talent or inclination or curiosity about because then you can put your energy into it you don't sit there and think you know i'm really not good at doing a and b and there's this industry that I'm not really suited for, I think I'll apply for a job there.

[96] You don't do that, right?

[97] But we ask our kids to do that all the time.

[98] It's not natural, right?

[99] So, and it's not like your child, right?

[100] It's not like he's chosen, like, listen, I really want to grow up and I just want to be oppositional.

[101] I just want to be particular about things.

[102] I just, my brain needs stimulation, so I'm just going to push people's buttons all the time and they won't understand it.

[103] And I also want a brain and a personality in which I get long better with like little kids and animals and older people, but I struggle to connect with my peers because that's a whole lot of fun to go through 12 years of school not knowing how to connect to people your own age.

[104] It's not like they chose this, right?

[105] And so what the child says is I've discovered that I get in trouble for simply being who I am and I wonder why is everyone upset at me all the time, right?

[106] And so they'll, also look at you and say you get frustrated and yell at me and I do that I get in trouble why don't you right and it's like we've made it like oh they just making bad choices yes your kids make bad choices they do but the answer isn't just to give consequences and say you need to start thinking about your choices young man we have to give them tools right and so after a while it just feels helpless and it feels hopeless So it makes sense to me that a child would feel like this and say things like, nobody likes me, I wish I hadn't been born, I'm so stupid, right?

[107] Look, some of you do that.

[108] There are guys, I guarantee you, you have a husband who has probably said before.

[109] You know what?

[110] You guys would just be better off without me because that's our immature way of handling things because we don't handle hard situations well at times, right?

[111] And so if life felt like it was stacked against you and you are always getting in trouble and you sense that everybody was always unhappy with you, you'd probably say the same thing.

[112] Now, I get it.

[113] As a parent or a teacher, you're going to say this.

[114] Look, child, if you would simply do what you're asked to do, it wouldn't be a problem.

[115] And you've probably thought this.

[116] You bring this on yourself.

[117] And I don't disagree with those statements, right?

[118] But it's just that the kid, you're frustrated and you just want the child to magically shape up.

[119] and behave all of a sudden.

[120] What I want you to know is it isn't going to happen.

[121] It's not.

[122] And I'm tougher on guys because I'm a guy.

[123] But I deal with a lot of dads.

[124] I'm like, well, I just need to keep out of here.

[125] My way of the highway and eventually he'll shape up.

[126] No, he won't.

[127] It won't change.

[128] You've been doing the same thing for seven, eight, ten, fourteen years.

[129] And all that's happened is you have an angry child and you don't have a good relationship with him.

[130] You have to change the way you do things.

[131] Look, I was in the corporate world.

[132] If our company or my division or my group had a strategy that we were trying to execute, and it clearly wasn't working, we got together and said, hmm, that's not working.

[133] Maybe we should change our tactics or our strategy.

[134] Same thing with a strong -willed child.

[135] It's just frustrating.

[136] So it's not a behavior issue.

[137] It's not like he's making a choice every day just to be a bad kid because he wants to irritate you.

[138] What I hear is a child who feels helpless to change or be successful.

[139] So here's where I want you to reorient your thinking towards your child.

[140] Our typical response is a child misbeaves, we react to it, and then we bark out consequences.

[141] We're basically punishing a child for failing.

[142] What I want to do is say, hey, I know I've got this child, and he struggles in a certain area.

[143] Let me give you a quick example.

[144] I walk into a classroom and there's a kid and his legs are bouncing all over the place.

[145] I know that kid needs to move.

[146] And if I don't give him some tools, he's going to move, but he's going to do it in an inappropriate time and he's going to get in trouble every single day in my class.

[147] But if I pull him aside and say, dude, I can really use your help.

[148] My mouth gets dry when I'm teaching.

[149] I need to refill my water bottle because I know you need to move.

[150] So we're going to have a secret signal.

[151] When I tug on my ear a certain way, I want you to get up out of your seat, come up to my desk, grab my water bottle, take you to the back of the room, refill it, bring it up, sit down on my desk, then you sit down.

[152] You don't get to talk to anybody.

[153] You're not going to distract anybody.

[154] I just need your help.

[155] You up for that.

[156] And I just created a success.

[157] I gave that child a tool to succeed, right?

[158] So what I want to do is reorient your plan from trying to convince this child to be better, because that's what we're doing, either through our rational lectures, which make perfect sense, and still don't change anything, through yelling out of frustration or through consequences, to giving the child lots of tools and creating successes.

[159] We reorient from saying no and stop doing this to giving a child missions to do.

[160] From no, stop doing to that to, oh man, I could use your help doing this.

[161] Instead of trying to fix what we perceive as wrong, because it's not always wrong, sometimes it's your arbitrary standards and you've got to work on that.

[162] Let's work with your child's nature to actually create successes.

[163] See, we're fighting the child's nature.

[164] We're basically saying, hey, here's the way your brain's wired, the way you came out of the womb.

[165] I don't really like it.

[166] It's really inconvenient.

[167] It's frustrating.

[168] So let's change your very nature.

[169] It doesn't work.

[170] But what if we use their ingenuity, that creativity, that love for building and creating that curious nature, the fact that your child might be tech -sabby?

[171] Right?

[172] What if we use that to their advantage and your advantage?

[173] And that is one of the main objectives I have.

[174] When I do phone consultations, I don't spend most of the time talking about all the issues your child has.

[175] You know why?

[176] Because I already know their issues.

[177] That's why you're calling me. Where we come up with solutions is to find out what is their nature?

[178] What are they naturally good at doing?

[179] What are they drawn to?

[180] Let's then use their strengths in order to come up with solutions to overcome their weaknesses, right?

[181] So we use them.

[182] their natural gifts, talents, and passions to actually change behavior and to motivate them.

[183] Right?

[184] So for many of you, your child needs structure, and they kind of like structure, but they really want their independence as well.

[185] So I was talking to some parents and are like, well, yeah, in the morning, I just lay out my child's clothes.

[186] See, there's structure laid out the clothes, and the child gets dressed by himself.

[187] See, you don't pull the shirt over his head and dress him when he's nine, but he does that.

[188] So you provide some structure, but you give your child's space to do it differently than you would do it right same with food in the morning right instead of it being like instead of asking well what do you want this morning see for some of your kids that's too many choices and it's not enough structure so maybe i'm not saying you do this every time but maybe you leave a couple food options out on the kitchen counter or on the table instead of asking well what do you want today and you give the child some space to eat what he wants somewhere different in the morning, right?

[189] Now, you can't eat on the sofa because we don't want you to destroy it, right?

[190] But they could eat on the floor.

[191] They could eat outside.

[192] They could eat standing at the counter.

[193] Be flexible with those things, right?

[194] And maybe here's some tools.

[195] A treasure hunt in the morning or when they come home from school, kids love treasure hunts or wake them up and say, want you hide something, I've got to find it.

[196] At school, I want a teacher when a child who struggles at recess or during cafeteria time, because there's no structure?

[197] Well, I create a little structure.

[198] Hey, Jacob, listen, recess today.

[199] I could use your help.

[200] Next week, we're doing a new unit on reptiles.

[201] I know that you're really good at drawing, and you really love dinosaurs, and Johnny over there, loves to draw too.

[202] Hey, could you two help me out?

[203] If I brought some poster board outside, could you guys draw some reptiles during recess, because then next week I can hang it up on the wall, it would really help me out.

[204] I just gave the child some tools to be successful, and I showed off his gifts and talents.

[205] I teamed them up with another child.

[206] Hopefully they become friends.

[207] That helps with social skills.

[208] And I just created a success.

[209] At basketball practice, wherever it is during that unstructured time, I want the coach giving your child a specific job to do.

[210] Right?

[211] So homework time.

[212] So here's a cool idea.

[213] I'm not saying it's going to work, but it's worth trying.

[214] Sometimes talking just makes kids angry.

[215] Even a thing like, guys, ready to do homework?

[216] No, of course they're not.

[217] Why even ask?

[218] It's like we've said with bedtime.

[219] Instead saying, guys, ready for bedtime?

[220] It's, hey, you know what?

[221] I'm really in the mood to go upstairs and finish that book we started last night.

[222] Because that's what we're going to do, but I don't mention bedtime, right?

[223] Because saying it's homework time is a trigger for a violent reaction for many of your kids.

[224] So, you could try this, you place that math worksheet, slide it under your child's door with a pencil, and just leave it someplace, and don't say anything.

[225] Sometimes kids will do things if you don't bug them about it.

[226] They may do it on their own because they don't want you standing over them watching.

[227] Now, if they don't do their homework, then I give some tools, right?

[228] I don't care how or when you do your homework.

[229] If you want to review vocabulary words while jumping up and down on trampoline, I'm good with that.

[230] You want to do homework, standing at the kitchen counter, listening to music while you can rock back and forth, eating a snack?

[231] Absolutely.

[232] Want to do math problems upside down off the sofa sitting on an exercise ball on the floor?

[233] I don't care.

[234] Parent the other day in a phone consultation was like, yeah.

[235] Oh, you know what?

[236] maybe we should go buy a desk for his room i was like what no you don't need to spend money on a desk see you're thinking about how you would do it you want to sit at a desk because that's the rational kind of normal way to do it the problem is they don't want to sit at a desk to stop wasting money trying to get them to do it your way and learn how their brains work and that's i encourage you if you have it already listen to the ADHD university program because we teach you how their how their brains work and that's either in the calm parenting package or to get everything but it is phenomenal because it teaches how their brains work let your child do their homework somewhere else so the overall theme that I want to get want everybody to get out of this is this for the next two weeks with parents and teachers instead of just saying well Johnny's doing this wrong what consequences can we give him let's shift for two weeks to hey our child the student is struggling and X area.

[237] What two or three tools could we give this child so that he can do better in that area so he can succeed?

[238] And let's start doing that.

[239] Put your child in situations in which they succeed every day and then affirm them for the things they're doing well.

[240] Right?

[241] I mean, it can be a simple thing like, you know, Jacob, some moms have to get their kids dressed every day, but I don't even have to remind her help you.

[242] You just get dressed by yourself and that shows me you're growing up.

[243] hey what else do you want to start doing independently right and then giving tools in every situation i'll make one more point in the real world if i'm running a company or i'm a manager and i have an employee who is struggling with his work performance i can walk into their cubicle and say listen you either up your game or you're fired right but that's probably not the best way to do it i would probably go in and say, hey, you're a valuable employee.

[244] We hired you for a reason, but I've noticed you're struggling with these projects.

[245] Maybe we can send you to training to teach you certain skills that you're missing so that you can be successful.

[246] We do the same thing in the real life, but we don't do it with our kids.

[247] We just bark things at them and assume that they're being difficult on purpose.

[248] So this week, let's get inside your child's brain.

[249] Start to see them differently.

[250] Learn how your child's brain works and stop making them do things your way.

[251] And let's give them tools to succeed.

[252] Do this for a couple weeks.

[253] I guarantee you you will make progress.

[254] Your child will feel better about himself.

[255] You'll have a better relationship.

[256] It just works better.

[257] So if we can help you in any way, let us know.

[258] Just reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at celebratecom .com.

[259] And we will help you out.

[260] Love you all.

[261] Please share the podcast and we'll talk to you soon.

[262] Bye -bye.