MFM Minisode 236 - Badass Parents

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] You've reached my favorite murder podcast.

[2] You've reached 3 -2 -3.

[3] Don't say my phone number.

[4] It'll be fun.

[5] Let's just see what happens.

[6] If you have memorized my phone number, I would be greatly impressed with you.

[7] Wouldn't that be cool?

[8] Dude.

[9] I don't know my own phone number.

[10] I don't.

[11] I think I know your area code.

[12] Every time I have to put my phone number into like any kind of a form that I'm filling out, I have to say it out loud and like picture it in my mind.

[13] I did it.

[14] Vince and I memorize each other's phone numbers way back when just in case of emergency.

[15] For safety.

[16] Let's do each other's too.

[17] Okay.

[18] So in case my emergency is Vince.

[19] We'll memorize it better if it's on the show and everyone helps us.

[20] So we can just listen to it over and over again.

[21] This is my favorite word of all we talk about phone numbers.

[22] Guys.

[23] But seriously, Stephen, give it your phone number on there right now.

[24] Stephen, you do it.

[25] You do it for everyone.

[26] 5 -5 -5.

[27] Perfect.

[28] Dinosaur Dinosaur hotline What if it was just podcast?

[29] P -O -D Of people just reciting their phone numbers?

[30] Linda Barry, who's a great comic book artist and writer I took a writing class of hers and she does this exercise giving an example of how if you draw a memory, if you write about memories from your childhood they're much richer than adult and she goes, here's an example, what's your first phone number?

[31] Know it.

[32] immediately right everyone starts smiling and giggling and everybody can recite their first phone number and then she's like okay how about two phone numbers ago you have no fucking clue because who cares by that point in life you're so dead inside that you just don't care a phone isn't exciting anymore no um seven six two three two two one five five eight nine okay yes so this one is called richard ramaris or almost turned my mom into a murderer okay you in loving it okay Dear Karen, Georgia, stash master Stephen and fluff muffins.

[33] No and no. That's what I thought.

[34] Those last two are unacceptable.

[35] Okay.

[36] First, thank you for an amazing podcast.

[37] It has made the gym infinitely more tolerable and has given my murderino mind an insane amount of joy to be grateful for.

[38] That's nice.

[39] You all rock.

[40] Second, I have to note that the only reason I heard this story is that I finally cornered my mother into listening to your podcast while on a road trip.

[41] We finished the first episode and I looked at my mom, nervously calculating how long it was going to take for her to announce me a sick bastard and she pensively said that reminds me at the time i thought richard amares was going to kill me oh full fucking stop sidebar i probably should have heard the story when i told her i worked at a show about night about the nightstocker but whatever um so my parents lived in anaheim in the early 80s they were there were pastel walls my mom had a terrifying perm.

[42] It was a scary time.

[43] It was a very scary time.

[44] I had one too.

[45] I was a few months old and my older brother was three.

[46] My godmother was a nurse also living and working in the area who happened to live across the street from one of her co -workers who incidentally was attacked by Ramirez.

[47] She survived and ended up identifying later, identifying later in court.

[48] Wow.

[49] Anyway, mom's friend's coworker had been attacked in the house we were living in.

[50] was an block of houses that for the most part had that, and this is an all -cap, super safe sliding glass door in the back.

[51] Important note, these sliding glass doors were a fave of Ramirez to get into houses.

[52] Yeah, because it's just that little clicky lock.

[53] We had one of those two, and we did him the favor of never locking it.

[54] Oh, that's nice.

[55] To boot.

[56] I feel like those sliding glass doors are like a part of 70 serial killers.

[57] It's like part of the horror.

[58] Yeah.

[59] I don't think Yeah The sound of a sliding glass door Being quietly opened at night No totally I don't think in my entire childhood Was there ever Everything on the ground floor Including the doors and the windows And everything locked Ever one time when it was all closed up Just a different time And a different reality Stupid time and a stupid reality True You know what I mean Anyway in the middle of the night While my dad was away on a business trip My mom woke up to the doorbell ringing Like any responsible woman alone with two children in the middle of the night during an active serial killer's rampage, she opened the door.

[60] It was the next door neighbor's girlfriend.

[61] She said that her boyfriend wasn't home, but she was too scared to go into her house because she swore she heard someone in there.

[62] In true horror film fashion, my mom thought, cool, I'll take you into your boyfriend's house and show you there's nothing to be afraid of.

[63] No. What?

[64] No. So the two unarmed young women go.

[65] into a house all alone and choose to tour the house turning the lights on when they go into a room and then off save that electricity money honey what anyway they get to the last room in the house which is kind of a lofty area on the second floor there's a door and four walls so it sounds like a regular room to me but that's how my mom described it anyway then i hear the sliding glass sorry then they hear the sliding glass door open i just have to point out that yes i have have a hard time speaking.

[66] But Stephen printed this in like 11 point font.

[67] Yeah.

[68] Do you see this?

[69] It's definitely passive aggressive the way he printed up these stories.

[70] It's like he wants me to fail.

[71] He's against us.

[72] That's clear.

[73] And we're just going to keep on seeing these signs.

[74] As luck would have it, they happened to be in a room where the neighbor kept his pistol.

[75] The girlfriend, who, P .S. is 20 years old, takes out the gun.

[76] My mom takes out the gun.

[77] from, mom takes the gun from her and calls out.

[78] No one responds, but they hear footsteps coming up the stairs.

[79] Here's where I have to point out, my mom is a badass.

[80] She grew up on a farm and knows how to use firearms and always has a manicure.

[81] Yeah, girl, perm not manicure.

[82] She checked the safety and aimed directly to the left of the door at the frame.

[83] The door opens, my mom adjusts her aim and notices that the person coming through the door is bald.

[84] Richard Ramirez, if you remember, had straight up Badal Sassoon, curls oh i remember they weren't curls really more waves but anyway it was my dad my mom almost shot my dad he'd come back early from a business trip and when he found mom was gone from the house he went to check the next door the porch light was on but the front door was locked so he went around the back and found the back sliding glass door open not just unlocked fully opened oh shit he immediately then grew concern and thought something bad might have happened so instead of calling 911 he just up the stairs without announcing himself wow super gallant almost got shot so as far as my hometown murder this specific facet is missing the murder part but very but very narrowly and i had to send it to you because it's a funny story please keep up the amazing show stay sexy don't get murdered p s you inspired me to teach my cat atlas the word cookie and he meows like elvis and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy love JD fun fun fun fun um that reminds me of the people that we met at the meet and greet uh in anaheim and it was a mother daughter and the mother was there the day that richard ramirez was running through that neighborhood in was it boil heights yeah or no down down there right it's boil heights no no it was boyle heights she was there she he got caught in in front of her house oh oh right the cops got him down on the ground because the because the no I think that they I don't know something it was in front of her house where he got because it was like a block long yeah street where they got caught and the mom kept saying that everyone all her neighbors were just going outside and like and like watching him being apart and she was telling people to go back inside right right she was like they were so crazy everyone was just out yeah like you know there was a serial killer loose that's so funny I was so I told them I was very starstruck to meet her she got to be right there scene of the crime okay the subject line of this is My mom would probably get arrested if she did this today.

[85] I love it.

[86] Hey, MFM fam.

[87] When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with scary movies, and my mom loved Halloween.

[88] My birthday is in October, so on my 13th or 14th birthday, I decided to have a sleepover.

[89] Oh, no. Where we planned to watch a scary movie and just hang out.

[90] When my friends and I had settled in to watch Psycho in the living room, my mom left us there to go pick up pizza.

[91] I know what she's going to do.

[92] I'll set the scene.

[93] My parents' living room was a big open space that had a huge.

[94] glass door out to the deck in one direction connected to the kitchen in another direction and the foyer in the front door the other way a while after my mom left as we watched the movie in the dark a large man began pounding on the back door he was standing on the deck looking in we of course jumped up and began running in all directions and began screaming you're probably thinking oh no then they oh then they called 911 no we did it why i don't know other than to say that teenagers are really fucking stupid sometimes.

[95] Just as we began to calm down and try to figure out what to do, a pounding came from the front door.

[96] As I moved toward the door, again, why you stupid, stupid girl?

[97] The same large man stuck his hand in the door and began waving it around, yelling something I don't remember now.

[98] I slammed the door closed and locked it.

[99] Just moments later, and mind you, we were still running around screaming and not calling 911.

[100] We heard the garage door open and my mom walked in.

[101] as we hysterically tried to tell her what happened she seemed not to believe us holding it together only for a few moments and then dissolved into laughter that's right my own mother recruited our neighbor down the street to stage a motherfucking break in just to scare us can you imagine if she pulled that shit today she'd get arrested or at the very least child services would be called oh my god surprisingly I have no lasting damage from this incident and it did go down as a great sleepover according to my friends thanks so much for everything you do in this crazy, awesome community that you've created because of MFM, I've met a group of women who are helping me achieve my wildest craziest dream of writing a book.

[102] Yay!

[103] SSTGMK.

[104] That's awesome.

[105] That's so rad.

[106] I keep thinking about, like, what if they had grabbed a knife?

[107] I would have stabbed at that hand.

[108] I mean, that is the worst.

[109] It's the worst idea.

[110] It's the worst idea.

[111] And at the same time, that's like, and I can't remember if I told the story or not, my crazy friend, Brian, who I used to work at the Gap, who one time told me a story that he thought was really funny where he broke into his friend's house wearing a panty hose on his face with a knife in his hand no he crawled into his hit her kitchen window a female yes what a dick and she kicked him in the balls and beat the shit out of him and then he got really mad at her and then she and then she was like I'm not talking to anymore and he's like what I thought it was funny oh my god what an asshole but you have to know I love her yeah really hilarious he he just thought i was like when he told me the story i was laughing but i was also like brian what is rag with you you're you're such like a guy yeah you don't understand why that is the scariest possible thing right and why this person would never want to speak to you again rightly so oh brian brian also imagine having a 13 year old you have to hate them so much at that point that you just want to fuck with them so good for the mom yeah she probably was like her only sanity left let me give you a little perspective of all the things you're you're you're like crying and pouting about around the house.

[112] Yeah.

[113] Let's give you a little dose of hideous reality.

[114] Let me give you a dose of reality.

[115] And I go pick up a pizza.

[116] I'll get your fucking pizza.

[117] You know your mom is bullshitting you if she goes to pick up a pizza in this, from 1979 on whenever they invented dominoes.

[118] There's no picking up pizza.

[119] You don't, no mother goes to pick up pizza.

[120] There's no such thing.

[121] Why get pizza?

[122] Let's take out.

[123] Yeah.

[124] Take out pizza?

[125] Take out any food.

[126] Okay.

[127] Okay.

[128] We're done.

[129] We're done.

[130] Well, this one is called fun.

[131] So this is good.

[132] This one's subject is fun.

[133] Just plain fun?

[134] No, fun.

[135] All caps.

[136] Stepdad was the vet to the son of Sam dog.

[137] What?

[138] All right.

[139] Here we go.

[140] Hi, Karen, Georgia, Stephen, an assorted menagerie.

[141] Yes.

[142] I'll make this short because, oh, wait, I'll make this short because being featured on in MFM would be amazing.

[143] Oh.

[144] That's a good way to do.

[145] it those two things don't necessarily directly relate but okay they don't um although short and like good or long and good just good is this common denominator yeah hence hence good hence i'm going to read this hence okay i like using hence at the end of the sentence hence yeah like ties it all together yeah during and after the son of sam murder spree my stepdad was a young veterinary school graduate in New York.

[146] He worked in a vet clinic trying to pay off his student loans and avoid getting elbow deep in a sick cow upstate.

[147] The clinic he worked at was also the clinic for the dog in your recent son of Sam episode.

[148] The dog that was supposedly a demon was this sweet, chunky Labrador named Harvey.

[149] And then she says, I'm not fat shaming.

[150] I'm pretty food motivated too.

[151] Anyway, the way my step - Motivated is, that is, that is, yes.

[152] That's just a dog, is food -motivated.

[153] And it's me. It's just when you have your motivations in certain places.

[154] I love the idea, though, of a sweet, chunky Labrador named Harvey, being Satan.

[155] Yeah.

[156] Come on.

[157] He's looking up at that window being like, dude, you've got to be kidding me. He's like, bacon.

[158] You know this isn't me. He's looking after just going, bacon.

[159] Do you have bacon?

[160] of bacon.

[161] Well, then don't involve me in your bullshit.

[162] Right.

[163] That's all I want to know.

[164] Yeah.

[165] Okay.

[166] Anyway, the way my stepdad tells the story is that late at night when he had to stick around for charting and cleaning, he was once alone with this dog in an empty clinic.

[167] Once he made sure he was alone, he asked the dog straight out whether he was the devil.

[168] The dog said, no, but the cat is a real asshole.

[169] He likes to get a big laugh.

[170] bad of it.

[171] As you know, Berkowitz admitted that he was making up all that for the insanity plea, but that is one of my, quote, hometown murders.

[172] Anyway, thank you for all your hard work and for the laughs.

[173] You always remind me to SSGM, love Caitlin.

[174] Oh, my God, that's so funny.

[175] That's such a stepdad joke.

[176] No, but the cat is a real asshole.

[177] It's such a dad joke.

[178] It's such a dad.

[179] It's so hilarious.

[180] But also, like, just that you would have, you would have to wait till everyone left.

[181] You would have to wait until you're alone in the whole clinic so that no one thought you were the insane one.

[182] I wonder if everyone was kind of sketched up by that dog at that point.

[183] That poor dog was just like, they used to be so nice to me here.

[184] Yeah.

[185] Now I just get tied to a tree.

[186] And no bacon.

[187] Because I'm the devil now.

[188] Oh, he's the devil now.

[189] Harvey is the devil.

[190] Oh, it's real funny.

[191] Harvey.

[192] Oh, what happened to Harvey?

[193] Oh, he lived a good long life.

[194] He did.

[195] He got so much bacon.

[196] Oh, good boy.

[197] I actually bet his owners were way nicer to him after because they were like, oh, my God.

[198] Yeah.

[199] Get away from our son, Harvey.

[200] Our son, Harvey.

[201] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[202] Absolutely.

[203] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?

[204] Exactly.

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[215] Connect with customers inline and online.

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[218] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

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[220] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[221] Goodbye.

[222] This is pretty good.

[223] The subject line is, my mom survived Cleveland in 1978.

[224] Greetings and salutations to all humans and animals associated with the MFM brand.

[225] Perfect.

[226] My sister introduced me to your podcast six months ago.

[227] ever since I've been nothing but binge listening, laughing out loud at work, and checking every closet in my apartment when I get home at night.

[228] I grew up outside Cleveland, as did both my parents, and my mother worked at a convenience store in Willowick, Ohio, called Lawson's, when she was in her early 20s.

[229] That could be Willowick.

[230] It could be Willowick.

[231] Offer all of them.

[232] Willowick.

[233] One night in 1978, she was closing up the store with her co -worker Bonnie, because it was 178.

[234] Everyone's name was Bonnie.

[235] Why aren't there bonnies anymore?

[236] There is a Bonnie Conover who I went to grammar school with and she still lives in Petaluma and we talk to each other on Twitter.

[237] But she's had the name forever.

[238] I want a new Bonnie.

[239] She's the original.

[240] Oh, you want a new baby Bonnie?

[241] I want like a Bonnie that was born in the 2000s.

[242] We, if you have a Bonnie born in the 2000s, we'd love to see a picture ever.

[243] Yeah.

[244] Even if it's a dog.

[245] A bunny a bunny named Bonnie?

[246] Oh, also we love pictures of bunny.

[247] A bunny named Bonnie.

[248] If you have a picture of a bunny named Bonnie that's one of those really big ones that's like the size of a six -stringer.

[249] It's like a hair, not a rabbit.

[250] So actually we just want we just want the one picture.

[251] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[252] Bonnie the bunny, that's huge.

[253] Please.

[254] That's got to be a hashtag.

[255] Okay.

[256] Okay, so Bonnie and the mom are at the Wallawick Lawsons.

[257] They're closing up.

[258] When two men come in wearing black trash bags from head to toe.

[259] My mom says that she initially thought it was two neighborhood teens that would come in from time to time trying to play a prank on them.

[260] Cute.

[261] Because it was 1978.

[262] One of the men was holding a revolver and ordered my mom and Bonnie to open the register and safe and then lay it down, face down on the floor with their hands at their sides.

[263] They emptied the cash register and then stepped over the women to get to the safe.

[264] The whole time my mom was silent while Bonnie was hysterically praying out loud.

[265] Oh, Bonnie.

[266] Keep it down.

[267] Bonnie.

[268] be cool at some point said quietly to my mom that she was quote glad she had already mopped the floor just handle it like a bonnie um they handling it like a bonnie is a new one they stayed like that until they heard another customer come in asking if anyone was in the store apparently the two men had left out the back exit while the ladies were up front laying on the recently mopped floor the police were called but as far as my mom can remember No one was ever arrested for the robbery.

[269] She and Bonnie got a whopping $25 each from Lawson's.

[270] What?

[271] Because they SSD DM'd during the incident, $97 today in today's money, Lauren.

[272] Wow.

[273] Lawsons, give them the full hundred in today's.

[274] They really took one for you.

[275] They took one for the team.

[276] I think nowadays there's like, maybe she's just in Los Angeles, but I think there's like a victim of a violent crime fund that you like, because I knew a girl who got held up at gun point.

[277] at like a salon she worked at.

[278] Like she was a receptionist and she was closing up and got held up at gunpoint and like got all this money.

[279] And she was just like, I'm traumatized.

[280] So I don't know what to do with this.

[281] It feels wrong.

[282] You know.

[283] Well, yeah, everything about that would be so hard because you lived and it's okay.

[284] But then it's not okay.

[285] But I think she used it to go to beauty school and then became a talented hair stylist herself.

[286] Fuck yes.

[287] So good for her.

[288] I mean, bad things.

[289] are seeds that bear fruit into good things what good fruit you know that good good fruit yeah grapefruit the best fruit great great great fruit the greatest eat it with bonnie um that is a very 70s fruit great fruit with a maraschino cherry in the center come on dieters okay this is called when i found out my dad kidnap people hey karen georgia stephen and pet menagerie nice i'll try and keep it short when I was 11 my dad took me on a trip to Los Angeles he was really excited because I was really excited because I got to see my family and never got to go with him before he said it was a work trip that he'd make time for me oh thanks dad I mean for your fucking family what an honor I know to be paid attention to as a child my most important thing in my life is work but I will make time for this less important thing of you my child listen block out seven to seven 30 for old daddy oh we're gonna watch three's company together that's right you get a fuck TV dinner.

[290] Okay.

[291] One evening at dinner, TV dinner problem, he asked me what I knew about cults.

[292] At 11, my answer was nothing.

[293] My dad proceeded to explain what they were to me and told me the real reason for the trip.

[294] He had been hired by parents to kidnap someone and do a deprogramming job.

[295] Her dad was a deprogrammer for cults.

[296] I had a brief moment of wondering if he had once kidnapped me. They were fucking assassinated.

[297] Oh my God.

[298] But suddenly all those warnings about vans and the game where we tailed people at the mall, quote, to show how easy it was to follow someone, unquote, made a whole lot more sense.

[299] Oh, my God.

[300] Yeah, that's why the following game.

[301] Come on.

[302] Daddy wants to play the game where he puts a silencer on a gun.

[303] He liked us to always be prepared and would hide in Bush's jump out and wanted us always to be ready.

[304] This is called child abuse.

[305] Oh my God.

[306] He wonders why I need anti -anxiety medication.

[307] Wait, how he wonders I need anti -anxiety medication is beyond me. Yes.

[308] He would play a game where he would jump out from the bushes so they'd be prepared.

[309] Dad, knock it off.

[310] I bet he was fucking pissed the one time she kicked him in the dick.

[311] That was her preparation.

[312] No, he was, because he was wearing a cup and he was like perfect reaction.

[313] Yeah.

[314] You're my sense.

[315] Whatever the fuck.

[316] Yeah.

[317] Okay.

[318] Then, all caps, this Thanksgiving, I found out that my mother was a getaway driver for one of these jobs.

[319] The other getaway driver had to drop out.

[320] The cops were onto him since he had, quote, killed some people since he didn't take shit from anyone.

[321] And then she says, um, what dad?

[322] Apparently, my mom posed as a nurse and helped kidnap actual doublement twins with my father.

[323] There's a lot left out.

[324] We've gone off the rails entirely.

[325] Yeah, this chick is like, I'll try to keep it short.

[326] And we're like, can you please write us four more?

[327] pages of what the fuck is going on we need yeah you need to write a true a true novel about what's happening to us turns out they weren't in a cult but needed to call their dad because he was controlling and was calling deep programmers because they weren't talking to him anymore what so the twins father the twins had stopped talking to their father he probably sucked so he had started calling deep programmers to be like my kids are in a cult can you please go kidnap him and the kids are like no we just hate our fucking controlling shitty dad he wants our double mint money yeah he wants that double mint money um because they weren't talking to him anymore luckily they were so mad at their father that they didn't call the police on my parents wow this is the only couple of this is only a couple of wild stories i've learned from my family s so it is true that the dad was a cult deprogrammer yes it was just in that one instance it wasn't a cult that they were right they just wanted to get the fuck away from my right yes okay that was your submission for us to give you a book deal and yes our new book imprint is coming out soon we have decided to start a book company and you're our first book and we begin with a subject line my mom survived a clown hi karen georgia and stephen you're all bad bitches yes stephen you too thank you i was thank you on behalf of stephen i was about when I was about nine, I was at school, and my mom was about to fight a fucking clown.

[328] So it's a pretty regular morning for my mom.

[329] She's drinking coffee and getting ready.

[330] And if she goes to put more cream in her coffee, she sees something out of the corner of her eye.

[331] And she turns and sees a clown.

[332] No, no, no, no, no, no. Really, it was just a guy with a Halloween clown mask on as she drops the creamer and coffee and runs.

[333] On her way out of the kitchen, he knocks her down and she hits her head on the hardwood floor oh my god she regains her bearings in time to see him raising knife and she deflects it with her arm and gets cut on her neck a moment later oh my god we're in this thing at this time she goes oh fuck i need to fight and hits the guy straight in the nose with her palm which is fucking classic self -defense class that's right fucking palm in the nose break it up into our brain that's right and she throws him off her awesome she runs to the bedroom and grabs a gun, turns around and cocks it right as he's in the doorway.

[334] Holy shit.

[335] Fuck, yes.

[336] Apparently he cut his way through the screen in the open kitchen window from the backyard and climbed in.

[337] This is why I'm never going to live on a fucking ground floor.

[338] I mean, for real.

[339] The guy didn't get caught until years later when he did the same thing, but the cops got there in time to catch him.

[340] Meanwhile, my school went on lockdown, and all I thought of it was, why is this girl across the room crying?

[341] We're going to be okay.

[342] She only told me after I saw the 2018 winter tour and goes, oh, I guess she means her mom.

[343] Her mom only told her after she saw the 2018 winter tour and she goes, want to hear how I almost got murdered?

[344] What the fuck?

[345] Thank you all so much, Mack.

[346] Holy shit.

[347] I mean, that is.

[348] I was waiting for like, and it turned out to be her neighbor pretending to scare her.

[349] No, it was fucking real and her mom saved it until very recently.

[350] Good for her mom.

[351] Her mom didn't even tell her when she was in school lockdown that that was like oh no that was me getting attacked hey remember we got you got home and I had a change of screens fucking badass too also just bone chilling it sounds like hacky when you hear yeah but you're in your in your kitchen like stirring up your coffee just trying to wrap it up to go to work and you turn and there's a clown in your kitchen dude dude in a clown mask no dude absolutely not get out I reject you and I reject Satan who you represent that's right that was such a a good batch.

[352] Yeah.

[353] And thank you guys for listening and writing and we love it.

[354] And stay sexy.

[355] And don't get murdered.

[356] Goodbye.

[357] Goodbye.

[358] Should we see if Mimi will meow again?

[359] Yeah.

[360] Mimi, you want a cookie?

[361] Did it work?

[362] Yeah.

[363] Elvis, you want a cookie too?

[364] My cookie?