MFM Minisode 238 - Attempted Kidnappings

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hello, and welcome to my favorite murder, the Minya O'sode.

[2] The Minions sode.

[3] This is a spot to you by the minions.

[4] God, they're funny.

[5] They're little.

[6] Sometimes they have two eyes.

[7] Sometimes they have one eye.

[8] The way they talk is adorable.

[9] It's babble, but you also understand what they're trying to say.

[10] This episode isn't brought to you by Minions.

[11] If so, it would be millionaires right now.

[12] But I really did like that, like, surprise their shit out at myself by, like, just being really bored one time and turning that on and being, like, delighted by it.

[13] Oh, the Despicable Me franchise is rock solid in terms of comedy.

[14] I've watched all of those movies with my niece.

[15] The first one, we loved it so much.

[16] We watched it all the time.

[17] It's so cute.

[18] It's so funny and so cute.

[19] But that's not what this is about.

[20] This is about the minions.

[21] Now we're going to not get charming and cute and read you your fucked up stories that you.

[22] send a do you understand that life is about contrast and that when you have the charming and cute you come under it hard with the horrifying yes rip it open yes my dad nearly had me kidnapped oh hi all so it was 1996 my dad was looking to sell his car a man interested in purchasing said car comes over to take a look my dad's out front giving the man a tour of the car a tour of the car a toddler ellie running around while he is doing so after a while my dad comes back into the house and mom asks how he got on.

[23] Oh, they must be Brits.

[24] Oh.

[25] All good.

[26] He has just taken out, taking it out for a test drive, dad replies.

[27] My mom then asked if it was a good idea to let him, letting him take the car up by himself.

[28] Fair question, because who in the right mind lets a stranger take their car for a drive unsupervised?

[29] Yeah.

[30] Don't panic, folks.

[31] My dad had it covered, and he replied to my mom and said, no, it's all right.

[32] Ellie's in the back.

[33] Wait, how old is she?

[34] She said she's a toddler running around.

[35] What?

[36] Toddler, Ellie running around.

[37] I can only imagine what followed was a lot of hysteria and foul language being thrown at my dad from my very frazzled mother.

[38] I came back, though, so it's cool.

[39] And that is a true and mildly, not so mildly alarming story of my near kidnapping experience of my dad's wonderful parenting skills.

[40] Can we just take a second to imagine the poor man being trusted to take the car out alone with a random child in the back?

[41] That aside.

[42] It's so crazy.

[43] See, if I was that mother, I would have slapped him forward and back.

[44] If I was a person taking the car for a test drive, I'd be like, I don't trust you and leave.

[45] Right.

[46] I mean, because was she in a toddler seat?

[47] Probably.

[48] She just, like, sitting around in the back seat.

[49] Who fucking knows?

[50] It sounds like she was just wandering around.

[51] It does.

[52] It sounds like she was just in the car.

[53] Yeah.

[54] Get in.

[55] Take the car for a test drive with this nice man. Hold this beer.

[56] That aside, and believe it or not, my dad was actually a truly amazing man and an incredible father, unfortunately.

[57] I only got a short 19 years with him as he passed away in 2013.

[58] I miss him dearly and have many, many more stories of this wonderful crazy man who was at times clearly way too trusting.

[59] And for that, I am blessed.

[60] Thank you guys for everything you do.

[61] We are to think that listening to two funny chicks talk about murder is a sort of escapism for my severe anxiety.

[62] But hey, whatever floats your boat, right?

[63] I'm clearly not alone.

[64] Stay sexy and don't send your daughter off in a car with strangers, Ellie.

[65] Ellie, you're not alone.

[66] Um, also I wonder if some of her anxiety is based in any very deep, seated early.

[67] Mistrust of your parents' skills.

[68] Who is minding the shop to be like, I just don't feel safe in life.

[69] Well, he's not going to steal the car because he has our child.

[70] Right.

[71] Oh, my God.

[72] Um, okay, subject line, Canadian folk dancing murder plot.

[73] Perfect.

[74] Here Karen, Georgia, and all furry beings, Stephen and his mustache included.

[75] Oh.

[76] I'm.

[77] That's cute.

[78] you.

[79] I'm from a city that's at the southernmost tip of Canada right across the river from Detroit.

[80] When I was younger, my parents enrolled my brother and I in folk dancing as an attempt to keep our Eastern European culture alive.

[81] Go for it.

[82] Right?

[83] Through dancing, we met our core group of friends, and as we got older, our troop started traveling across North America for performances and festivals.

[84] Sexy.

[85] Well, other groups took their dancing seriously.

[86] We were just in it for the fun.

[87] We had three dances that we recycled for years.

[88] years.

[89] I mean, who's going to be like, I've seen that one before.

[90] Oh, this old bullshit.

[91] We know.

[92] We were more focused on hosting the after parties in our hotel room at the tender age of 15.

[93] Yes.

[94] That's what it's all about.

[95] That's right.

[96] That's why you dance.

[97] That's why you travel.

[98] That's the passion of the dance is beer in the hotel room afterwards.

[99] It was so bad that our coach would have to bribe us by saying, okay, if you don't get drunk before your performance, I'll buy you guys alcohol afterwards to celebrate.

[100] This is what you said to me basically.

[101] When you like, don't drink before shows.

[102] I'll buy you drinks after.

[103] Just please.

[104] Let's save them all up.

[105] It'll be more special.

[106] Fine.

[107] I'll wait.

[108] I'll wait.

[109] You buy it.

[110] Let me say something.

[111] I'd say something.

[112] Okay.

[113] That's hilarious.

[114] In our group was a guy named P -T -A -R.

[115] He was sort of the outcast because he smelled a little funny, always had clammy hands, and basically looked like his family enjoyed liver and onions for dinner multiple times a week.

[116] Oh, dear.

[117] He had beautiful skin and a luxurious coat.

[118] Is that what?

[119] You think?

[120] I'm not sure.

[121] I don't know what I think.

[122] As we hit college age, the group stopped dancing.

[123] I think that's good.

[124] Yeah, it's a good time to quit.

[125] But maintained our close friendship, all except Pitar.

[126] Petar.

[127] We would see him from time to time, but no one really kept up with him until dot, dot, dot.

[128] One day we saw his name in the news and that he had been arrested for trying to kidnap and murder two sisters from our church.

[129] What?

[130] Pitar sang in our church choir.

[131] he was also the altar boy for like ever the girl's father was the choir director and they would practice at his home P -Tar used to memorize this time to memorize the girl's house and find out their schedule like when they would be home alone or when the house would be empty then he went on the internet maybe the dark web and found a forum of other would -be murderers and asked them for fucking advice on how he could go about kidnapping and murdering these two sisters little did he know he was chatting with an undercover cop of course she wore ding dong and thankfully all the dark web is just undercover cops yeah luckily thankfully sorry he was arrested before he could do anything in his room they found multiple shrines to the oldest sister rope knives and other murders paraphernalia oh my god petar was sent to prison and his sisters were and these sisters were shipped off to europe by their parents and no one has heard from them since i remember always telling myself to be nice to him in case he lost his shit and attacked us all.

[132] Guess my 15 -year -old murdering no self was right.

[133] S .S .DGM Meish.

[134] Wow.

[135] Yeah.

[136] That's a good one.

[137] That is how you hometown.

[138] That's right.

[139] All right.

[140] This one's called, my grandmother was kidnapped.

[141] And then in parentheses it says, she's okay.

[142] Hi, wonderful women, pets, and Stephen.

[143] My grandmother used to work as a nurse's aide in an insane asylum in Connecticut in the 60s.

[144] Fairfield Hills was a psychiatric hospital in Newton Connecticut, Newtown, Connecticut, that opened in the 30s and closed in the 90s.

[145] The massive campus still stands vacant.

[146] And of course, there are stories of hauntings because, I mean, it's an empty former insane asylum, for Christ's sake.

[147] When my nana worked there, each employee would go to a central building to clock in every morning and then report to the building they worked in.

[148] This is a sprawling campus with dozens of buildings, and it was the middle of winter.

[149] So my grandmother ran into the main building, leaving her car unlocked, checked in, and ran back to her car to drive to her assigned building.

[150] After she turned on the car, she was suddenly shocked when a man popped up from the back seat, rafted her neck with a piece of rope and said, drive.

[151] No. She did as she was instructed.

[152] He gave random orders to turn left, right, seemingly not having a destination in mind, but he ended up having her drive about 20 minutes to North Waterbury, Connecticut, where he jumped out of the car and bolted.

[153] Thankfully, because she had checked into work but didn't show up minutes later to her assigned building, the staff immediately knew something was wrong.

[154] Apparently, this man was one of the patients who had escaped his room and was looking to get as far away from Fairfield Hills as possible.

[155] My Nana was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[156] Listen, this fucking thing right here, ready?

[157] Okay.

[158] They never did find the guy.

[159] Oh.

[160] As far as I know, but the rope he used to hold my grandmother was raw, it was a raw, ragged thing, and it wore down the skin around her neck to the point where later on an EMT told her that if had worn even a tiny bit further, it would for sure have cut her corroded artery.

[161] Wow.

[162] Carotid?

[163] Carotid, yeah.

[164] Corroated artery.

[165] It's a well would have corroded her carotid.

[166] My nana is one of the most badass women I know whose favorite phrase is, I don't get mad, I get even.

[167] She turned 92 years old this year and I would still manage to stay sexy and not get murdered in any situation she was in.

[168] Finally, even though this story is about someone breaking out of insane asylum, I don't want to diminish mental health issues in any way.

[169] So I just want to thank you both for normalizing and being so upfront with your mental.

[170] mental health.

[171] Fairfield Hills was a place where people like you or me would be locked up and forgotten.

[172] That's right.

[173] And I'm glad that it's closed and we're slowly moving toward a point where people can seek help without the threat of stigma.

[174] And that's definitely thanks to women like you.

[175] Oh.

[176] Oh.

[177] SSDGM Lauren.

[178] God, that's so scary.

[179] Fucking terrifying.

[180] Nana.

[181] Did that happen at night?

[182] It doesn't sound well she got, I mean, she got to work.

[183] In my mind, it was the daytime yeah I mean but I was just immediately because you know there's that it made me think of that um there's the urban myth that was going around for a little while warning people at the mall like to check because there's that story of the girl that gets in the car and there's a guy in the back seat or whatever but that that idea like my car I can see in yeah yeah and even when I get into my car I'll still look back you do just make sure I do once in a while when it's really dark do a little checky check yeah just in case yeah Okay, now you go This subject line is Near Kidnapping Near Kidnapping Miss Lighthearted Okay Hi, I'm FM fam So my mom and all And all her nine brothers and sisters grew up in Pekoyma, California Which as Georgia says Even though she grew up around Los Angeles She still has no idea where it is I stand by that You probably know it from LaBamba As Richie Valens grew up there too Yes Best movie Anyway They lived about a block away from the elementary school.

[184] They all and most of their children later on attended.

[185] One day, my aunt was walking home alone from first grade.

[186] Uh -huh.

[187] Early 70s, am I right?

[188] Go home.

[189] Yep.

[190] Good luck.

[191] You're six.

[192] When a strange, let's ask the seven -year -old listening right now.

[193] How much would that freak you out if you had to walk alone for four blocks to your house?

[194] Imagine.

[195] They don't do it anymore.

[196] No. It's not done.

[197] And most of us had more than four blocks to walk.

[198] Yeah.

[199] I think we had a solid two miles.

[200] Yeah.

[201] Uphill.

[202] Yeah.

[203] Okay.

[204] Both way.

[205] Both ways.

[206] Okay.

[207] So she's walking home alone from first grade when a strange man in a car calls her over and tries to lure her in with the phrase, Oh, no. Come, eat chicken.

[208] No, that's not going to work on a six -year -old.

[209] Sorry.

[210] She was, of course, freaked to the F out and ran home crying.

[211] where she promptly told her eight other brothers and sisters what happened i guess since older siblings can be assholes and she did make it home they teased her about it for years chasing her around and calling come at her this near kidnapping was used as a cautionary tale for all the kids in our family to show that you don't have to be far from home to be taken but also everyone will make fun of you about it.

[212] That's right.

[213] That's that usually it's in your worst time when your siblings will find a thing to hang over your head for the rest of your life.

[214] When my own son at eight years old tried to convince me that he was old enough to walk the block home from his own elementary school, I told him this story as one of the reasons why close to home doesn't always mean safe.

[215] When I was done, he looked up at me with wide brown eyes, burst out laughing and said only, why chicken?

[216] I guess kids don't see.

[217] scare as easily as they used to.

[218] Anyway, my five sisters and I love the show.

[219] Wow.

[220] Wow.

[221] That's six.

[222] The six sisters altogether.

[223] What's wrong with your brothers?

[224] What's that?

[225] What's wrong with your brothers?

[226] Why do they hate us?

[227] Oh, because they don't like fucking vocal real life.

[228] Fuck you.

[229] Whoops.

[230] SSDGM Veronica.

[231] That was a great story, Veronica.

[232] Oh, come eat chicken.

[233] Come eat chicken.

[234] I picture it's the most interesting man in the world from the desaqi's commercial sitting in a shitty car.

[235] And actually he really just wanted to feed her like his new recipe of like the best chicken in the fucking world.

[236] That's right.

[237] He's like you must try this.

[238] My spices.

[239] So spicy.

[240] It's been brining and beer.

[241] All right.

[242] Okay.

[243] And just a drop of mayonnaise.

[244] What?

[245] I'm a chef.

[246] Oh, right.

[247] Drop of mayonnaise.

[248] Maneinets.

[249] Manate.

[250] Why is it so loose that it's dropping?

[251] Ew.

[252] Ew.

[253] You know why?

[254] Because I left it out in the sun.

[255] Picture the smell of mayonnaise right now.

[256] Go ahead.

[257] I'm going to let you do it.

[258] No. It's so sour.

[259] Yuck.

[260] Do it.

[261] Because you making me do that now, you know my mayonnaise memory is when my mom would deep condition her hair on the weekends by putting mayonnaise in her hair.

[262] Like me. Wrapping it with saran wrap.

[263] And she had long nails and she would get mayonnaise under her nails.

[264] Yeah.

[265] And it was why I did that.

[266] A nightmare.

[267] No, I remember that of this just disgusting smell.

[268] Yeah, but the softest hair.

[269] I mean, really nice hair.

[270] She asked the softest smelly hair.

[271] It smelled like for two shampoes after.

[272] All right, listen.

[273] Look, you can afford Alberto VO5 now.

[274] I can afford a $1 .99 pack of fucking single use, Alberta VO5.

[275] That's right.

[276] Heat it up in a glass of hot water.

[277] That's right.

[278] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[279] Absolutely.

[280] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store.

[281] actually purchase something with cash.

[282] Exactly.

[283] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.

[284] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?

[285] That's right.

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[287] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

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[292] Connect with customers in line and online.

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[294] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[295] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

[296] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.

[297] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[298] Goodbye.

[299] That one time the FBI swore my grandmother's farm.

[300] Yes.

[301] Here we go.

[302] This is what I'm in it for.

[303] It's just hi.

[304] Great.

[305] I spent the last few weeks putting together a family true for my mom who is obsessed with genealogy but can't use a computer to save her life.

[306] Good.

[307] At least she can admit it.

[308] Here's the problem.

[309] Computers can't save your life.

[310] They can only ruin it.

[311] Well, except for those computers that restart your heart.

[312] Oh, right.

[313] Right.

[314] Or the ones you were around your neck and you press the button.

[315] Life alert.

[316] I've fallen.

[317] I can't get up.

[318] That incredibly advanced computer can save your life.

[319] That's right.

[320] And doing so, I've been able to find records on my maternal family dating back to the 1500s.

[321] What?

[322] And even older ones from my paternal grandfather, crazy.

[323] But I was having a hell of a time finding anything about my paternal grandmother.

[324] I was to the point that I was convinced she was a criminal when I remembered an interview she did with a local university.

[325] Oh.

[326] I was delighted listening to my late Nan tell stories from her childhood when she casually mentions the time her family's farmhouse was swarmed by the FBI in 1932.

[327] Yes.

[328] As she tells it, her entire family had gathered on the porch to witness two black cars driving up the lane through a cloud of dust.

[329] I can fucking see it in the movie version.

[330] Tall blue sky in the background with green fields on either side.

[331] That's right.

[332] And blowing up that dirt driveway.

[333] Old tiny fucking FBI cars.

[334] Hardly any windows.

[335] It's all the metal, black metal.

[336] No air conditioning for all the way too.

[337] And they have hats on.

[338] before the cars were fully stopped all of the agents had jumped out and were shouting she couldn't understand what anyone was saying all she knew was that her mother and blonde -haired blue -eyed baby sister were sobbing and her brother was screaming take the diaper off what turns out one of the towns folks called in a tip claiming that my nan's family were the ones that kidnapped the Lindberg baby and her brilliant brother was saying to take the diaper off to prove that their sibling was a girl Yes, for fuck -s -seeing.

[339] Clearly the Lindbergk kidnapping was big news if a child in a small Minnesota town knew enough to know that the baby was a boy.

[340] My favorite part about this whole ordeal is that she never told me anything about it, nor did my dad.

[341] Apparently, I got my murderino tendencies from my mama, McKenzie.

[342] Yes.

[343] That's a rad.

[344] That's a perfect hometown story.

[345] Perfection in all ways.

[346] And also, I went, what a genius uncle or wasn't an uncle, whoever the guy that said, take the diaper off yeah that's so because in those moments you get all you know yeah you don't do you don't do shower her the vagina just get that fadge out there show her that's essentially what he's saying it is prove that shit fine I want you to yell it to me one day I hope one day in my life take off the diaper Georgia take it off and prove who you are I don't want to okay all right here's the last one uh the subject line is my mom invited into our home and then parentheses and almost a kidnapping hey guys when I was 10 years old my mom a very naive lady befriended a couple at our local grocery store I remember them talking to each other for a while and they seemed like really nice people it was a man and a woman in their 40s so of course they seemed like a trustworthy couple to my hilarious mom they somehow convinced my mom to let them come to our apartment and I remember that they were in our apartment with us for about an hour these people then manage to convince my mom that they will replace all the electronics in our apartment with newer better quality ones and so they proceed to fill up their van with all of our stuff what the fuck mom I totally remember being very concerned about what was going on and turning to my mom like what are you doing of course me being 10 I assumed she knew better than me so I let it go as these people were leaving the woman turns to my mom and says let us take the baby we promise we'll bring him back with the rest of the stuff she was talking about my baby brother and i kid you not my mom stood there and thought about it while i yelled no oh my god the woman creepily chuckles and my mom awkwardly declines thank goodness she did because of course these people never came back with any quote unquote newer electronics and we were left without any devices and no more trust in my mom.

[347] I have no idea if anything ever happened to these people.

[348] I'm honestly incredibly surprised we survived until our adult years.

[349] Stay sexy and don't be fooled into giving up your stuff or your kid Maribel.

[350] Oh my God.

[351] That is an amazing story.

[352] Like can you imagine if you're that mom, like I would bring that up every fucking holiday.

[353] Hey mom.

[354] If you're that 10 year old you mean?

[355] Yeah.

[356] Yes.

[357] Remember that time, mom?

[358] From that day on, Maribel as the 10 -year -old was in charge of that family.

[359] Maribel the 10 -year -old was scared of her mom's decision -making skills and never felt safe.

[360] Maribel, the 10 -year -old, had to do all the decision -making from that moment on.

[361] Horrifying.

[362] That's hilarious.

[363] She had to scream no, and they were like, and we'll take the baby.

[364] We met you an hour ago.

[365] Oh, man. You guys, don't trust anyone, especially not your own mother.

[366] It is that thing, though, of it's like a. middle -aged couple.

[367] Yeah.

[368] That's like, I'm sure I don't know how long ago it was, but it's like, for so long, people were just like, if it's a man and a woman, nothing bad can happen.

[369] And it's like, why wouldn't I trust like them?

[370] Who would do such a thing?

[371] Yeah.

[372] I can't imagine.

[373] It would take, it's pretty good scam, though.

[374] It's, well, also, how ballsy?

[375] They're like, oh, we just took everything from our, we might as well try to grab that baby.

[376] Yeah.

[377] I mean, they were not going to keep that baby.

[378] They were going to sell that thing along with all this fucking electronics and you know it.

[379] That baby would have been up on the wall at Best Buy.

[380] Fucking 42 -inch baby.

[381] Well, this baby, it fell off a truck.

[382] This baby's a 3D, HD, and shitting.

[383] Send us your fucking, send us your stories.

[384] Like, all of them, please.

[385] They're all so good.

[386] They're the best.

[387] And stay sexy.

[388] And don't get murdered.

[389] Goodbye.

[390] One cookie?

[391] Ah, ah, good boy.