Craig Ferguson

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome.

[1] It's an armchair expert.

[2] Wow.

[3] We're a day out from Halloween.

[4] We're so close.

[5] Oh, we're so close.

[6] It's getting so exciting.

[7] It is.

[8] Goals and goblins are everywhere.

[9] They abound.

[10] I have to say, in my years of going on late -night talk shows, a person I had particular fun and excitement when going to their show was Craig Ferguson.

[11] He's very fun.

[12] There's no one that was ever more off the cuff.

[13] and less on script than Craig Ferguson.

[14] Yeah.

[15] It was a practice in chaos that was so pleasurable if you're an improv person.

[16] He's so funny.

[17] He's so funny and he looks so cool.

[18] He's got awesome gray hair with a cool spike and a very tight fade.

[19] Tats.

[20] Tats galore.

[21] Yep.

[22] He almost looks a little Anthony Bourdain.

[23] Oh, I could see that.

[24] Yeah.

[25] Real punk rock.

[26] I really liked it.

[27] So on flightless bird, there's been a new recurring thing that's been happening.

[28] where David kind of accident he doesn't know he's doing it but he's brought up men's arms muscular arms usually tattooed arms like multiple times he'll like throw it in have mine made the mix or Charlie Charlie well because fantasy football so he he went to the fantasy football thing draft yeah draft and then he he couldn't stop talking about how many male arms were out and then he felt gratuitous no I mean I think he liked it I think he liked it.

[29] Yeah, it's arousing.

[30] And then he brought it up again on another episode, sort of haphazardly.

[31] Uh -huh.

[32] So I think he would have really liked Craig's arms.

[33] Oh, sure.

[34] Because they were so tatted.

[35] You'd have been very aroused.

[36] I think he might have.

[37] Yes, I think we all were.

[38] Craig Ferguson, of course, the late, late show with Craig Ferguson for years.

[39] Drew Carey, he was a hilarious cast member of the Drew Carey show.

[40] He has a new podcast out now called Joy, a podcast.

[41] And he does what he does best.

[42] which is interview people in a very, very accelerated, creative, chaotic way that I happen to be an enormous fan of.

[43] This was a very fun interview.

[44] Absolutely.

[45] I enjoyed it.

[46] Please enjoy Craig Ferguson and happy trick -or -treating to everyone.

[47] Enjoy.

[48] Happy Halloween.

[49] Happy Halloween.

[50] He's an object square.

[51] Oh, stop.

[52] Oh, look at it.

[53] You're so cool.

[54] I know.

[55] cool.

[56] You're very very good.

[57] Just European.

[58] Are you even that?

[59] No, Scottish are European.

[60] Is it okay about your name in 20 you?

[61] Yeah, actually I just had a pee -be time myself.

[62] It was nice about it.

[63] It's kind of like going to jail or being in the army, but...

[64] That's right.

[65] But I think you'd have to poo to really be part of it, yeah.

[66] Well, feel free at any time.

[67] I don't know that I'm ready for it.

[68] I'm not confident enough.

[69] Maybe halfway through the interview, you'll feel really comfortable.

[70] I don't know.

[71] I mean, if I feel that comfortable, I'll just, I might just like...

[72] Just in the pants.

[73] We generally step out for guests that we don't know, like, if they have to go, right?

[74] We go stand on the landing.

[75] Rob did that, but he obviously places me in higher than you guys.

[76] Yeah, for sure.

[77] I feel like I know where I stand.

[78] But what happens is sometimes we're out there for going on five minutes, where we could only conclude, they have upgraded this we've never come in and smelt no but you know what we don't ever consider also is that maybe someone's peeing they accidentally fart and it smells and they're like they open a window and they're trying to clear everything out then that's my nightmare I don't think that's what I think that's what I think nobody poops or they may poop out the window have you checked yes that's something I feel like we were doing our addiction yeah no kidding I don't know I ever pooped out a window.

[79] Did you ever shit yourself?

[80] We should probably save this.

[81] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[82] I wonder if I, I don't know if I, I think I did.

[83] What do you mean you think you did?

[84] You wouldn't have gotten sober if you were the type of addict who hadn't shit themselves.

[85] Get real.

[86] I mean, like, I'm not sure if I blacked out.

[87] Well, then you should still be drinking.

[88] Yeah, now, see, you can't say that because there's all sorts of different people, but you're right, though.

[89] You can't say it, but you're right.

[90] Yeah, but you can.

[91] But there's so much of that in life now that things that you can't say that.

[92] Oh, you're right.

[93] We're kind of done.

[94] Are you on the other side?

[95] Yeah, we're saying the stuff.

[96] Many people are, I think.

[97] It was on the plane yesterday coming in from London.

[98] And I watched a lot of episodes I hadn't seen.

[99] It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

[100] Oh, yes, yes.

[101] These guys are fucking fearless.

[102] I love them.

[103] They're incredible.

[104] Do you know any of them personally?

[105] Caitlin and I worked with...

[106] Oh, yes, on Drew Carey show.

[107] So Caitlin and I joined the Groundlings together.

[108] We're the oldest of friends.

[109] And then Rob, her husband...

[110] Right.

[111] I've never met any of these guys.

[112] You would fucking love him.

[113] He's in England all the time now with that football team.

[114] Yeah, Wales, I think.

[115] we have to say Wells.

[116] Are we started now?

[117] Oh yeah.

[118] All right.

[119] A .B .R. Always be recorded.

[120] Right.

[121] No, I like it.

[122] But I want to show you something because we were talking about.

[123] I don't know if we had started when we started talking about it.

[124] But I want to prove to you something that I'm still who.

[125] I've been sober for 31 years.

[126] Incredible.

[127] Thank you.

[128] But we were talking about did you ever shoot yourself when you were out there?

[129] I can't remember if I did.

[130] But I think I might have.

[131] And I still, I've got a little bag here, like a little purse, like a little man purse.

[132] I still always bring.

[133] An extra pair of undies.

[134] Clean pair of underpants.

[135] Well, right in the little...

[136] Look, see?

[137] They're full boxers.

[138] They're not small.

[139] I like a little air.

[140] You know what?

[141] These might go back to when I was a portlyer gentleman, but I still carry a pair of underpants just in case I accidentally...

[142] Now, I'm not reaching an age where I might ship myself anyway.

[143] Like when I expressed myself a little there?

[144] Yeah.

[145] I think I felt a little action.

[146] Nothing moved.

[147] Well, let's just acknowledge things aren't getting tighter as you grow older.

[148] No, they're not.

[149] So the need for those panties are probably.

[150] probably ever increasing.

[151] Well, a little bit, but maybe they should be more diapery.

[152] Can we go back, though?

[153] Let's just say what we could deduce from you carrying your underwear in the bag.

[154] If you had handcuffs in there or zip ties, we could conclude some things.

[155] Yeah, we could.

[156] You're not carrying a fire extinguisher around with you.

[157] Okay.

[158] Right.

[159] I'm not.

[160] I'm not carrying a fire extinguisher around with me. This is very revealing and telling him.

[161] I appreciate your vulnerability.

[162] Oh, that's all right.

[163] Let's go back to using.

[164] First of all, I have shit my pants.

[165] If I'm being dead honest, it's about a yearly event.

[166] Do you plan it?

[167] I know.

[168] It's ceremonial.

[169] December 31st, I haven't done it yet.

[170] Honey, you know what day it is today.

[171] Take the kids to the store.

[172] I've got a little something to do for the next 15 minutes.

[173] No, but about once a year, I have up to that surprises me. Not a full evacuation, but just the, oh, Jesus, now I've got to go to the bathroom.

[174] I think that's normal.

[175] I think a lot of people have that.

[176] Right.

[177] It tends to overindex with males.

[178] I've done a lot of asking around among friends and family.

[179] And men seem to have that incident at least once a year.

[180] And women almost never, but maybe a couple times.

[181] Oh, come on.

[182] Now, I think you may be doing this falling into the trap of women also don't toots either.

[183] No, they toot like crazy.

[184] No, here's what I'll tell you, and you'll like this.

[185] Women pee their pants all the time on accident.

[186] We don't ever do that.

[187] I have, but no, in recent times.

[188] I've peed the bed while asleep while intoxicated.

[189] Oh, I peed the bed every night until I was 13.

[190] Until I was 13 And then I stopped when I was 13 Yeah, and then resumed And then I started drinking when I was about 14 I picked it up again Oh my God, one year later The laundry business in Scotland was badly affected In the 1970s with my dry period And then And then when I was 29 I got sober And I have not peed myself since You know what's so weird I don't think we've ever talked about this But I was 29 as well But you really?

[191] It's a funny time for men Or for everyone, but I've only ever being a man, so I don't know.

[192] But I've talked to men, and right about then, it seems quite common to make a change in your life like that.

[193] Or just hopping into 40.

[194] I think there's something about the decade approaching where you go, okay, I just spent the last decade hammered and blacked out in doing regrettable, shameful things.

[195] Are we about to embark on another?

[196] Because I was three months before my 30th birthday.

[197] That's exactly when I was.

[198] Really?

[199] Three months before my 30th.

[200] You're a May baby?

[201] Yeah.

[202] So we're on February the 18th, 1992, and I was 30.

[203] on May the 17th.

[204] That's really trippy because I was September and then birthday January 2nd.

[205] That's funny.

[206] I wonder what that is.

[207] I think there's something in it though a little bit.

[208] It's definitely a time to take stock.

[209] Inventry as it's talked about.

[210] Yeah, we knew it somehow before we knew it.

[211] Like we should probably take stock of this.

[212] Do you think some of it boils down to I just didn't have the Constitution.

[213] Maybe I was very prone to shame.

[214] I was going to say it's about shame, I think.

[215] Shame for me was very sticky and weighed on me a lot.

[216] Yeah, I think.

[217] that's true as well.

[218] I used to be very envious of people who would get really hammered.

[219] And then they would go, I'm so hammered, ha, ha, ha, ha.

[220] And they would think it was kind of funny or they would enjoy the physical sensation of having a hangover and feeling kind of bad.

[221] Like they had been to Warren back.

[222] There is some glory.

[223] Right.

[224] They had achieved some kind of thing.

[225] But the deep hangover of the soul, the shame hangover.

[226] Yeah.

[227] And it's not really about behavior.

[228] It's there before the alcohol.

[229] I think for me it was anyway.

[230] Were you religious?

[231] I am now.

[232] You are now.

[233] I think so.

[234] Not in an orthodoxy way, but I'm much more interested in it now.

[235] I think I was probably a bit interested in it then.

[236] But when I was a kid, I grew up around a lot of sectarian violence and hatred and everything was attached to religion.

[237] Will you feel less saying because I'm totally ignorant.

[238] I'm aware of the Irish, North -South Catholic Protestant.

[239] It's very similar.

[240] In Scotland?

[241] In Glasgow, yeah.

[242] In fact, there's a huge Irish community in Glasgow.

[243] So the Rangers Celtic of it, which is the soccer teams in Glasgow, that was connected to Rangers were predominantly Protestants, and Glasgow were predominantly Catholics, and that's what it was.

[244] The advantage of it as well is it gave you a colour to wear.

[245] So if you combine the sporting colour with the religious bigotry, then you've got clear battle lines drawn up.

[246] Very clear in and out group there.

[247] And that helped people identify the enemy.

[248] Scotland in the 1970s was so violent.

[249] the, even if you were on the same side, you would find a way.

[250] Okay, here's another big overlap for me. So I'm Detroit.

[251] Very similar.

[252] Seventies, 80s, very blue collar, a lot of people up from Kentucky, a lot of culture of pride and honor.

[253] Yeah.

[254] Just fucking violence everywhere.

[255] I was just writing about the other day.

[256] In my town, no accomplishment would excuse you from getting your ass kicked at a gas station if you took the pump first.

[257] Yes.

[258] Right?

[259] It was always on the table.

[260] See, that I think, is something that right now, and for a quite, a long time, the contemporary American politicians and broadcasters that are in the political sphere do not understand about growing up poor.

[261] If you grow up poor, doesn't matter what you are, what your colour is.

[262] All you have is respect.

[263] And manners really fucking matter.

[264] So like when you're talking about the gas pump thing or anything like that, they really matter.

[265] So if you, for example, exclude or disrespect a whole group of people, like when Hillary Clinton said, the deplorables, You're not just talking about what you think of their political thoughts.

[266] You've just insulted a whole socio -economic group.

[267] And also, I think with politicians now, you know when politicians say, I'm going to be the senator or I'm going to be the president for all Americans?

[268] If I was being a politician, I'd be like, now I'm only going to help the people that voted for me. So you better vote for me. You're fucking trouble.

[269] It's looking like I'm going to win.

[270] If I win, it's all about the people who voted for me, not you guys.

[271] I haven't read any polling data, but I'm pretty certain I'm going to win.

[272] you're fucked.

[273] Yeah, you better vote for me. That's it.

[274] Now, mom and dad, dad worked for the postal service and mom was a teacher.

[275] Yeah.

[276] Is there any overlap?

[277] Because I'm basing this all on Bukowski in his description of working for the postal service, which is there was an entrance exam.

[278] I don't know if my dad knew much about Bukowski.

[279] We're going to find out here a second.

[280] But you had to pass a pretty challenging test to become an employee of the postal service, at least in the 50s, 60s, 70s.

[281] So it attracted these very smart people that also wanted to just stay kind of not ambitious but really smart.

[282] I think there's a germat truth in it.

[283] In Britain, it was slightly different.

[284] My father was born in 1930.

[285] So he was a telegram delivery boy when he started out.

[286] They had these old British ex -army Royal Enfield bikes.

[287] And what they did was my father, he had to go away the army when he was 18 because it was national service.

[288] And when he came back, he did it again.

[289] And they all wanted to be like Marlon Brando in the movie The Wild One.

[290] Yes.

[291] But no one in Scotland could afford a silk scar.

[292] or a leather jacket.

[293] Okay.

[294] So they used to wear black postal delivery men jackets and white tea towels around their necks.

[295] They were all very thin because there was no food and everybody smoked and everything was in black and white so they looked really cool.

[296] Scotland was in black and white until about 1974.

[297] The whole country.

[298] I've been to Ireland, not been to Scotland.

[299] I've watched Braveheart.

[300] That's about the extent of my understanding.

[301] There's a very easy detect vibe in Ireland.

[302] They're rascals the best way.

[303] Like, I remember a woman pulling me aside that was Irish saying, you just went on this museum tour, you know the difference between Americans and us as we would have jumped the wall to go look at the shit.

[304] And I was like, okay, perfect.

[305] What's the Scottish?

[306] Not all of Scotland, but the Scotland that I grew up and had a very strong Irish component, but it was a component of it.

[307] Glasgow, the town that I grew up in is a port city.

[308] And so there was a huge Italian community in Glasgow.

[309] There was a Chinese community in Glasgow.

[310] When I was growing up, the Pakistani and Indian community was getting bigger and bigger and making a huge improvement in what there was to eat.

[311] So it's a weirdly kind of diverse little place that I grew up.

[312] Yeah, it sounds like Toronto.

[313] Yeah, it's not dissimilar.

[314] It's not as clean.

[315] Well, okay, nothing is.

[316] Oh, my God.

[317] Those Canadians.

[318] Everything's a condo.

[319] They're going to have to change it to condo or something.

[320] When I first went to Toronto, there was only one condo and Gordon Lightfoot was in it.

[321] And that was the only guy.

[322] Singing the Edmonds Fitzgerald quietly.

[323] The only condo in Toronto.

[324] Well, the legend lives on of the condo in Toronto And the big like they call get chagumi But a lot of Scottish people live in Canada as well It's got a juicy chip on their shoulder, I'd imagine, right?

[325] Oh, God, yeah.

[326] It's the tall poppy thing?

[327] I think that's everywhere now.

[328] Well, but we already talked about it.

[329] So where I'm from, everyone feels a little less than.

[330] It's half of societies to blame and then it's half their own condition, which is they're looking for it.

[331] I think that's right.

[332] And I think for a long time, I don't know about you, but I think a lot of being an alcoholic, was that if you treat me normal, that I feel less than.

[333] If you just say, oh, yeah, it's over there.

[334] Then I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[335] But if it's like, it's over there, sir, may I get you a carafe of wine?

[336] I'm like, yes, now that's a little more fucking like it.

[337] And I think that kind of chip I've had on my shoulder for, I don't know where that came in.

[338] And I don't know how it triggers an alcoholism in my case.

[339] But it's a component of it for sure.

[340] For me, dyslexic, broken home, violence.

[341] molested, all these things.

[342] Yeah, that'll do it.

[343] Feeling less than all the time.

[344] And I'm a lot of salt.

[345] But the alcohol, when drunk, I was very optimistic.

[346] That's how the medicine worked for me. I was optimistic while drunk that things were going to work out in my favor.

[347] And that was a nice.

[348] Or you wouldn't keep drinking.

[349] Yes.

[350] And then all of a sudden, one day you're like at a bar and you realize I'm bored and I'm drunk and I feel less than.

[351] And I'm pessimistic.

[352] We're using everything at our disposal, cocaine.

[353] Yeah, yeah, nothing's working.

[354] Oh, this is this thing that was heard to happen.

[355] Oh, what's happening?

[356] Yes, oh, God, because you're not here in the States.

[357] This is then, oh, you'll love this.

[358] What is this for?

[359] I'm going to tell you, and you're going to love what the conspiracy theories are saying, that this is activating a component of the corona vaccination that now our bodies are, have you guys heard this?

[360] No. This is incredible.

[361] I love this.

[362] It's as far out as it gets.

[363] Yeah.

[364] We have had a warning for a week that the National Alert Service was going to blast everyone's phone at this time.

[365] In the whole nation, this just happened to everyone in the nation.

[366] How communal?

[367] I love that.

[368] Do you know what I think is interesting, though?

[369] I'm not telling you guys how to live your life, but when we started recording it, turned my fucking phone off.

[370] Oh, yeah, no, we can't.

[371] Yeah.

[372] Two little kids, right?

[373] You know, who knows?

[374] I've got little kids.

[375] You can't respond to them from...

[376] No, there's nothing I can do.

[377] They're in Scotland.

[378] I'm like, I don't know.

[379] Exactly.

[380] You've exceeded the perimeter where you could have.

[381] Their mom will take care of it.

[382] We would have missed out on this unifying moment.

[383] I'm really glad we had our phones on.

[384] But you probably have now a British or UK service?

[385] You still have an American phone?

[386] Yeah, and I have an apartment in New York City.

[387] I love this fucking idea that I live in a croft in Scotland.

[388] When I knew you, you lived across the street.

[389] Yeah, just down the street from here.

[390] Right.

[391] So it's my understanding that you have left there.

[392] Right.

[393] You have a castle in Scotland?

[394] I have a house in Scotland.

[395] Okay.

[396] Is it shaped like a castle?

[397] It's a castle shape.

[398] It's a castle shape.

[399] Is it an inordinately large piece of land?

[400] It was built in the 1300s.

[401] It doesn't mean it's a castle.

[402] Here's our residual shit.

[403] We know if we admit to living in a castle, we're one of them.

[404] Yeah, exactly.

[405] So you live in a castle.

[406] I live in a house.

[407] I live in an old house that's got a few castellated edges.

[408] Okay, and if someone pulled up in horse and carriage, would it look very natural?

[409] Yeah, it would.

[410] In fact, if someone pulled up from the Roman Empire, yeah.

[411] Okay, wait.

[412] William Wallace rolled through.

[413] You let that hang.

[414] Oh, so there's been this growing conspiracy theory that this alarm that just went out, which is going out over 5G, which, you know, there was already conspiracies about 5G, was going to activate some dormant agent inside of the corona vaccination that would mirror Ebola.

[415] So basically, from what just happened, I don't know how quick Ebola works, but I think it's quickly.

[416] I think within the next three days, we're all going to share us.

[417] We'll be eating each other.

[418] Oh, my God.

[419] Well, not you because you turned your phone off.

[420] Yeah, and also, I have a pair of underpants in my bag.

[421] In case, so in case the 5G activates my COVID vaccine, and I ship myself, wallah, clean pads.

[422] Take that, Bill Gates.

[423] Fuck you!

[424] You'll be the only zombie with fresh shorts on.

[425] How you doing, everybody?

[426] I like zombies.

[427] I always think if zombies could river dance, they would.

[428] Do you know what I mean?

[429] They would river dance.

[430] Because they're very stiff.

[431] Yeah.

[432] The afterlife is the Irish, I think.

[433] Do you believe in the afterlife?

[434] Do you believe in the continuation of consciousness?

[435] I wish I did.

[436] I'm open to having that revelation.

[437] Spirituality for me is very, very hard to hook into.

[438] I meditate.

[439] That's helpful.

[440] I like how that feels, right?

[441] We do that.

[442] The only foothold I have is my children.

[443] There's something bizarre.

[444] That's love, of course.

[445] It's love, but also something feels celestial.

[446] There's something, to me, that just is beyond my understanding.

[447] of love.

[448] You admit, and I admit, too, of being pathologically selfish.

[449] And then someone exists who you care more about than yourself.

[450] That's a transcendental experience.

[451] I have this theory, I was talking to someone about this recently, that most philosophers, now, not all of them, but most of them didn't have any kids.

[452] Oh, really?

[453] Yeah.

[454] I mean, it's not an absolute, Bertrand Russell had like 25.

[455] They're either at none or a hundred.

[456] See, I think at 25 kids, you're probably like, oh, yeah, there's another one.

[457] Do you know what I mean?

[458] I can't put that many names straight.

[459] Right.

[460] Most philosophers, now, again, it's not an absolute.

[461] It's like percentage -wise enough to get you to COVID vaccine level.

[462] Do you know what I mean?

[463] It's efficacy.

[464] It's efficacy as a theory.

[465] Someone told me long before I had them that it does cure all your existential crises.

[466] And I agree with that.

[467] Yeah, it gives you a whole new bunch of things to be terrified of.

[468] Can I tell you something, though?

[469] I don't have that.

[470] I've had so much pessimism and fear about so many things my entire life.

[471] I'd say it's my modus operandi.

[472] But from the second we said, let's try to have kids.

[473] I was like, this is going to go.

[474] great.

[475] And when we go to those tests where they scan the baby and I'm like, this is going to work out perfect.

[476] And when they arrived, I was like, we're going to take this home, everything.

[477] Like, this is the only thing in my life that I just feel total belief in.

[478] That's great.

[479] I meant more about the idea that anything bad would happen to my kids.

[480] Shockingly, I have no fear of that.

[481] I think they're just going to thrive.

[482] They'll have setbacks and they'll have challenges, but I believe in their spirit that if they're addicts, they're going to find sobriety.

[483] You mean more that they would get like hit by a car or something.

[484] Yeah, like outside of their socialities.

[485] Or get an Ebola virus activated by his cell phone.

[486] Their phone goes off.

[487] That's why I want to let my kids have a phone, which is bad for my oldest boy.

[488] He's 22.

[489] I'm like, no, you can't have a phone.

[490] He's still a virgin.

[491] Yeah.

[492] I don't even want to think about that.

[493] It's okay if he is.

[494] Oh, absolutely.

[495] If you would like to have sex, a phone's very helpful in that pursuit.

[496] See, I'm very glad that I missed all of that.

[497] It would have taken out, probably, both of you.

[498] Yeah, there was a big, hard video.

[499] record of you and I on day three of a bender, chatting with someone about philosophy.

[500] No, it's not good.

[501] No, no, no, no. I really feel for the young and everything documented, because it's a voluntary admission to 1984.

[502] It's like we walked right into it by our own volition.

[503] We stand in line to get the new version.

[504] Yeah, oh yeah, let's film everything and ruin it.

[505] Yeah.

[506] It's crazy.

[507] I know.

[508] I remember once having it.

[509] Do you remember Regis Philbin?

[510] Oh, yeah.

[511] Catherine Lane Regis.

[512] Rickles was saying he had a conversation with Regis.

[513] They were having a laugh.

[514] And Regis said, no, no, no, no, we can't wait for this.

[515] We're doing the show tomorrow.

[516] So let's talk about it then.

[517] He wouldn't talk about it.

[518] And I remember laughing at a time, but everybody does that now.

[519] Yes, we'll get to this.

[520] But like the endless inferno that is a talk show, right?

[521] And once you step into that, every little bit, because you're out.

[522] You're just ringing yourself out every show.

[523] Yeah.

[524] And you're trying to gather stuff.

[525] And you know better than to waste something.

[526] And now people are that way, because they too have to.

[527] Everybody has a talk show.

[528] Everybody has a talk show.

[529] Everybody is doing a daily show.

[530] If you haven't posted in two days, you're like, oh my God.

[531] People are going to forget about me. And they will forget about you.

[532] That's the thing.

[533] They're right.

[534] It's funny.

[535] I think the talk show thing is fascinating, particularly because I did it in America.

[536] So I didn't grow up with the talk show tradition.

[537] I mean no disrespect to people to do it, but to me it was like being a realtor.

[538] It's not a bad job, but no one sets out to be a fucking realtor.

[539] If you know, if things are going along, you know, there's always realtor.

[540] And you go, you know what, it's not a bad job.

[541] Get your face on a bench at a bus stop.

[542] up, maybe, or, you know, and you make a little money.

[543] Sleep with some other realtors at the convention.

[544] Maybe.

[545] Things go right.

[546] That's right.

[547] It wasn't something that I ran out to be.

[548] I annoyed some of my colleagues because I had to add you to it.

[549] I didn't mean to disrespectfully.

[550] It just never occurred to me. But I would argue it's actually what set you up to do what you ended up doing, which was a pretty novel version of it.

[551] Yeah, it was the only version I could do because I tried the other version.

[552] I can remember, honestly, in the first.

[553] like week or so when I was doing the late night show coming on and like adjusting my tie and saying you guys watch the playoffs and I swear to God I swear to God I didn't even fucking know what I was talking about I didn't know what a playoff was I was like what is a playoff the writers are like yeah you just do this thing about the playoffs that like yeah all right guys watch the playoffs so did you guys see the playoffs what if you just went can you explain that to me I had to I mean really the writers are no use and at the very beginning because I was so terrible I thought I'm going to get shit kind after week of this.

[554] So I just did whatever they told me. Yeah, I heard you talking about the fact that you had done two little trial episodes and you were forced, not forced, but you signed a six -year contract because there was no stakes.

[555] You weren't going to get this.

[556] There's no way I was going to get it.

[557] Yeah.

[558] And then all of a sudden you're in a six -year deal.

[559] Yeah, I wouldn't make that mistake again.

[560] There is always the slight chance that you will get the job.

[561] Yeah.

[562] So you got to be careful.

[563] It's not that I disliked it.

[564] I liked it.

[565] I bet the frustrating thing is unlike a realtor, there are millions of people who are aspiring to be Johnny Carson or Letterman.

[566] or Kimmel or anybody, right?

[567] So to see someone end up fulfilling their dream who could take it or leave it is the issue for them.

[568] I think that's right.

[569] And that's fair.

[570] Yeah, and so I tried to be cognizant and respectful of that.

[571] But I feel like you found a way to do it that was ultimately incredibly true to you and then really novel.

[572] We're here, so I'll tell you, I mean, there's two things.

[573] Status -wise, Letterman for me, like, he's my God, right?

[574] So to be on that show...

[575] He's the goal standard, I think, that's right.

[576] It's unreal.

[577] That's the high watermark for me to have been on that show.

[578] But I will say, second to that back in the day, I would always say, well, my favorite show to go on is Craig's for sure, because it's the only show where you'll go and you'll never get to the pre -interviewed stories that have been prepared.

[579] And if you're the type of performer that I am, and you are, I live for that.

[580] You're marking that because I got a whole chapter about her.

[581] Well, that's the interesting thing, because you and her and people who had improv motivations and felt comfortable in that.

[582] environment, it was the show for them.

[583] But there were people who came on who I think they weren't as comfortable.

[584] In rightly so, I'm sure a dramatic actor who has this one good story about their vacation, they can kind of work that out and get confident.

[585] But for you and I, to sit down and have some competition, wakes me up, puts my brain in a space that it doesn't normally get to without that.

[586] It certainly won't get there telling you a story.

[587] Right.

[588] And the good thing about the competition, especially if you talk about how we grew up, we're in a competition, which is fun and exciting, but will very rarely result in any one of us getting hard.

[589] Yeah, no one's going to the doctor.

[590] Right, that's fucking out.

[591] Fuck you.

[592] No one's thrown a head butt on late night.

[593] No one has to make an excuse of why they lost that.

[594] Right.

[595] And it's kind of fun like that.

[596] And to be fair, and you mentioned Letterman, and I just want to give them props for this.

[597] Because the only way that I existed on late night was because of an anomaly that David created, which was he owned the time slot.

[598] CBS were so keen to get him to go.

[599] there after the late night wars in the 90s that they gave him two hours of real estate on CBS.

[600] It was his.

[601] So they didn't really control it.

[602] Now the bad part of that was I never get any publicity.

[603] They fucking hated my guts.

[604] But the good part was Dave protected me. It was just like Dave's testicles stood between me and CBS.

[605] And Dave was too busy doing his own show.

[606] So he didn't really give a fuck what I was doing.

[607] And CBS didn't really give a fuck what I was doing.

[608] So ultimately, I didn't give a fuck what I was doing.

[609] Did he pick you?

[610] How did it all come to date?

[611] He was part of it.

[612] There was a group of people.

[613] It was Dave and Les Moonvese who ran CBS at the time.

[614] I don't know why I'm to him.

[615] And I don't know what happened to him.

[616] Who knows what happened to him?

[617] And there was a gentleman who became my mentor and became the most important man in my life during that period professionally was a guy with the name of Peter LaSalle.

[618] And Peter had been Johnny Carson's producer for 35 years.

[619] Oh, wow.

[620] Yeah.

[621] Oh, wow.

[622] Peter had produced Dave the first five years when he went at CBS.

[623] In the 1130 slot, yeah.

[624] Right, in the 1130 after all that stuff.

[625] So he understood that world very well.

[626] And Dave holds Peter in very high regard, and Les didn't really eat.

[627] He had bigger fish to fry.

[628] I don't know what else he was up to, but it wasn't good.

[629] Yeah, he's busy, I heard.

[630] I think I do know.

[631] Yeah, I think I do know.

[632] And when Peter saw me do it, there was a bunch of different people tried out for it.

[633] And some of them were really good.

[634] It boiled down to Michael Ian Black, who was great at it.

[635] Damien Fahey, who was great at it, and D .L. Hugley, who was also great at it.

[636] Yeah, yeah.

[637] What happened, though, was that Peter said to me during that period, when the four of us were kind of like in the AGT finals.

[638] Battle Royale.

[639] Peter said, no, you're it.

[640] What Peter said was, I have one marketable skill, talking about himself.

[641] It's finding people like you and you're one.

[642] I've maybe had that experience a couple times in my life, or someone that you trust believes in you in a way that you don't believe.

[643] leaving yourself and how you can ride that.

[644] It can change your life.

[645] It makes me get chills thinking I must remember to always offer that to people as often as I can who I don't think realize how special they are.

[646] Yeah, I think that's true.

[647] Well, Monica I was first in on Monica.

[648] Kristen was first in.

[649] Yeah, it's okay.

[650] Well, I think I suggested that you come warm.

[651] That's right, you did.

[652] You did.

[653] You did.

[654] Flip -flopped a lot.

[655] But it's true.

[656] You're not going to make any enemies telling people that you believe.

[657] in them.

[658] For a long period of my life, I felt in competition with the universe, or usually it would be other Scottish people, I guess, or Scottish men.

[659] I wasn't really aware of it, but I'd be resentful if I saw somebody, like, an actor I'd worked with in Glasgow suddenly gets a good job.

[660] I'm like, a guy's an asshole.

[661] He's not an asshole.

[662] He doesn't hang his wardrobe clothes up.

[663] Yeah, he doesn't carry pants around.

[664] Well, if you're at the gas station and everyone's mad at each other, if that's the world you grow up, and of course that's what you're going to carry around, that everyone's a dick, but you.

[665] I think it's more like the Gourvey dial thing.

[666] It's not enough that I succeed that is that my friends have to fail.

[667] Oh, I also think let's be fair that if you grow up in limited resources, in scarcity, if someone gets something, it is actually true that you're not going to get something.

[668] When you're in the household and this is the food on the table, my older brother takes more.

[669] Who got the potato?

[670] Yes, that's real.

[671] And so how are you going to snap out of that all of a sudden at 20 when really it has been zero sum?

[672] And then you see someone pop and you're like, well, that's probably the one Scottish person they're going to let me famous this year.

[673] Yeah, yeah.

[674] That's true.

[675] It's not right, but it's understandable.

[676] It's not.

[677] I don't feel that way anymore, though.

[678] I don't think these kids that grow up and go to crossroads and they see their peers get famous.

[679] They're like, yeah, they got, and we're all going to get famous.

[680] Yeah, everybody's famous.

[681] I don't think they think about it the same way.

[682] But the younger generation, for all their faults and they're certainly well documented, they are a bit better with that kind of stuff.

[683] Like rooting for each other?

[684] I think so, yeah.

[685] I think they're a bit kinder with each other.

[686] It's a safer place to be vulnerable now.

[687] The mistakes that I see is the same mistake that every generation, makes, which you think, you know everything and you'll never get old.

[688] Every generation believes that.

[689] I know everything and I'll never get old.

[690] Let me tell you something.

[691] I fucking knew everything.

[692] And here I sit at 60 fucking one.

[693] And there's maybe a retirement community in Florida where I'm still young.

[694] But other than that, I'm fucking old.

[695] It happens and you think it's not going to.

[696] And it will or you'll die.

[697] You're lucky if it will.

[698] Right.

[699] It's a very, very strange experience.

[700] I mean, I find the ageing process so bizarre.

[701] stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare I just really didn't think much about it and the depressing part isn't actually the aging it's the accelerating of time it feels like a double whammy it's like not only you're getting older but a year is now about four months long and a week is about two days long and that's getting worse and worse and worse unless you do regular flights from London to Los Angeles and then time really fucking slows down have tricks.

[702] There are things.

[703] Novelty slows time down.

[704] Sure.

[705] And interesting you talk about meditation because I do do that.

[706] I feel like you step out a time when you meditate properly.

[707] It's shocking to me. Yeah.

[708] Do you TM?

[709] I don't know if it's TM.

[710] Okay.

[711] I don't have any formal kind of tuition in it.

[712] But I became interested in it through apps or yoga classes or bullshit just living in LA and you pick it up or being in recovery and prayer and meditation.

[713] And then I started to read about different forms of prayer and meditation.

[714] It boils down to a lot of things like semantics.

[715] There's a lot of talk about prayer where prayer is actually, in the contemplative form, it really is meditation.

[716] Well, let me just tell you, too, I'm doing TM, but in my TM while doing the mantra, I do work in my first three -step prayers, and then the 10th step.

[717] Have you ever read about, because I've become fascinated by these people, and I think someone in recovery, I think you would be too, is the Stoics.

[718] Well, the Stoics, yes, but the Desert Fathers.

[719] No. Between about 200 and 350.

[720] AD, there was a group of pre -Roman Christians that lived to the north of Cairo.

[721] St. Anthony, Origin of Alexandria, Vagreus of Pontus.

[722] Origin actually, I think, was a theologian and just lived in Alexandria, but they had ideas about prayer and meditation, which I don't think Roman Christianity pulled up on, and they don't think they took it in.

[723] Origin of Alexandria was a theologian who was excommunicated 500 years after he died, because he was.

[724] Because he said, God can exist only in the mind.

[725] If you're selling chachkas, that's not what you want to fuck it here.

[726] Yeah, yeah.

[727] So early Christianity fascinates me. So when you said that thing about religious, I am interested in it.

[728] I want to throw off the idea that religion is some kind of uncool thing.

[729] The religion that existed looking at early Christianity, for me, look, it's all different.

[730] And my training, like everything else, is informal.

[731] My studies are informal.

[732] Just to assuage your fears, you're not presenting as a professor.

[733] Right, good.

[734] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[735] I thought I wouldn't.

[736] But the idea that.

[737] that when Constantine took over Christianity when it became the empire's religion, I think it's a little bit like there will be a point when Starbucks will open a store at Burning Man. And that is the equivalent.

[738] I think that Christianity for the first couple hundred years, the Romans were like, these people are atheists.

[739] They only have one God.

[740] What the hell is that?

[741] They're denying.

[742] And so what Rome did is they said, well, there is only one God, but you know, then there's his mom.

[743] And there's really three.

[744] And then there's all the saints, the other ones that come in.

[745] Lucifer, he's powerful.

[746] Well, yeah, but he's bad.

[747] Sure, but kind of a god.

[748] He's naughty, he's naughty bad.

[749] But also powerful like a god.

[750] Oh, that was another thing that origin getting into trouble for, because he believed that in the final revolution and the end of time, Lucifer could be forgiven as well.

[751] And they were very upset about that.

[752] They shouldn't be.

[753] That would be the ultimate happy ending to the story, right?

[754] Take it up with the Catholic Church in the Middle Ages because they had some ideas that you would not agree with.

[755] And so meditation in that tradition.

[756] Well, I think it was Evagrius of Pontus, who was one of the Desert Fathers.

[757] It was about continuous contemplative, meditative prayer.

[758] And they talk about allowing your mind to be silent, not in allowing your mind to go to imagery of God or even colors or thoughts.

[759] Every time you have a thought, this is what I try to do when I mean, it sounds very fanciful.

[760] But when you talk about meditation, it's going to sound like that.

[761] Whenever I have a thought when I'm trying to meditate, I just try and go, oh, well, there it is.

[762] and then just let me go away and then be back to nothing.

[763] Yeah.

[764] And then just back to my breath and back to my breath and just my breath.

[765] But when I thought comes in, this is what I struggled with at first was, well, I'm not doing it right.

[766] Right.

[767] And you go, of course you're doing it, right?

[768] Of course you're going to think things.

[769] Your brain's on fire with things they think about.

[770] And those bastards and what about this?

[771] And I'm hungry.

[772] This fucking Scottish actor is so goddamn famous.

[773] Jerry fucking Butler.

[774] Who's my friend?

[775] The whole thing, just to allow yourself to have thoughts and just let them go by.

[776] At least my understanding of the team when it was taught to me was kind of that, which is like, yeah, you're going to have thoughts.

[777] That's fine.

[778] You can even deal with them for a second and just try to come back to the mantra.

[779] That's it.

[780] That's the whole purpose of meditation.

[781] It's not to not have thoughts.

[782] It's to have them and then let them go.

[783] Right.

[784] I didn't know that for a long time.

[785] And I thought it was something to do with yoga.

[786] And I think it might be something.

[787] You know, that somehow.

[788] I'm fascinated by all of it and I don't rule out any of it, which annoys people sometimes.

[789] Like I talk to my wife about more uteri religious.

[790] And I'm like, well, maybe.

[791] She's like, oh, shut up.

[792] These people are fucking crazy.

[793] All right, they might be.

[794] Well, it's tricky, right?

[795] Because the practitioners of anything are crazy.

[796] There's some fucking wackos in AA.

[797] It's not like I would trust any certain one of us to co -represent.

[798] It is a far -from exclusive club.

[799] Yes, it's the Losers Club.

[800] It's the last chance to loon.

[801] But the best description I heard of it, I shouldn't know, it's a kind of breaking a tradition.

[802] But fuck it.

[803] The best description I heard of AA was somebody in a meeting who said, we are the elite of the mentally ill. Yeah.

[804] There you go.

[805] That's great.

[806] What got you sober?

[807] Do you mind telling us?

[808] A series of unfortunate events.

[809] Ding, ding, ding.

[810] You starred in that, but go ahead.

[811] Oh, my God.

[812] Good slip in.

[813] First of all, Star was...

[814] I'm in that movie for like 30 seconds.

[815] I think there's no counts as starring in it.

[816] You're right.

[817] In Hollywood terms, yes, of course.

[818] I was very proud to be part of the we all, yeah.

[819] I actually, as an aside, one of the producers, I mean, I can't remember his name.

[820] He was like a really powerful producer guy who was on this movie and I had just come from working on independent movies and I was doing this movie and they move like fucking molasses these movies.

[821] They're so slow.

[822] Especially that movie, right?

[823] Oh my God.

[824] I was dressed in this very elaborate costume standing at the craft service table when this guy gave over to me this producer and he said, you're enjoying working on a big movie like this and I went, you know, I'm not.

[825] I don't feel like I want to do this anymore.

[826] To his credit, he said, well I think that can be arranged.

[827] Good for him.

[828] They are kind of boring.

[829] Okay, so wait, listen, I have two reactions to that because it's like kind of the third in the same vein, which is one is, I believe you.

[830] Two is a little bit of a pattern to not want to be doing what you're doing.

[831] Yeah, yeah, very restless.

[832] And I wonder, is that self -defense?

[833] Like, I'm going to get kicked out of here, so I just plant some seeds that I didn't want to be here for when I inevitably get.

[834] Yeah, you can't fire me, I quit.

[835] I'm terrified of disappointment.

[836] I think there's shame attached to not succeeding, which is absurd.

[837] It's one of the reasons why I actually fell in love with America for all its problems.

[838] America has something which is unfucking fathomable to me, which is they have a game called baseball.

[839] And if you can hit one in ten, you're a fucking All of Famer.

[840] Now, in life, that's a great fucking lesson to teach children.

[841] One in ten.

[842] Or how about that you only got to hit one of the five pitches?

[843] Right.

[844] I mean, that's unbelievable.

[845] If you can get that shit in with the bricks, that stops you from, well, what's the point I even trying?

[846] I'm not blind to the issues that we have in the United States, but that's great.

[847] That should probably be in the Constitution, something about baseball.

[848] There's some version of that, too, I'll add, which is we have some things that are really, really admirable.

[849] One being our college system, at any point, you can go, I'm going to go to this community college.

[850] If I do great there, I'm going to get a shot at a university.

[851] I can do everything.

[852] That doesn't really exist that pipeline in most places.

[853] Right.

[854] What America has is fluidity connected with money.

[855] But at least it's fluidity.

[856] If you have a class system, it doesn't imagine how much money you have, you ain't fucking going anywhere.

[857] Yeah.

[858] That is a problem.

[859] It's here too, but I don't feel like it's institutional in the same way.

[860] I'm reading a very disheartening book called The Myth of Meritocracy.

[861] I think that's the title.

[862] It's about meritocracy.

[863] I get it.

[864] It's a bummer.

[865] I don't like reading it at all.

[866] I'm like, this does not sound like James Patterson.

[867] at all.

[868] Yeah, I'm just a little bit like, oh, this thing I kind of believe in defending, huh?

[869] Maybe it really is a class system.

[870] With a rare exception.

[871] Look, nothing's perfect.

[872] I'm sure somebody could pick a hole in my baseball theory.

[873] In fact, by the time this thing goes out, I'm sure 100 fucking people on the whatever fucking shitty little fucking chat room is fucking derogar at the moment for the fucking illiterate fucking opinionated.

[874] They'll let me know.

[875] They'll let each other have it.

[876] Yeah.

[877] Wait, back to Submar, we didn't finish.

[878] We left that hanging.

[879] You are good in this.

[880] We left it hanging.

[881] Series of unfortunate events.

[882] Well, it's a cumulative.

[883] The first time I got drunk, I peed my pants and got arrested.

[884] Like, when I was 13.

[885] Wow.

[886] So there is evidence there.

[887] I didn't get arrested for peed my pants.

[888] That's not illegalist's calling.

[889] I threw a punch at a local placement.

[890] The whole country would be in jail.

[891] That'd be a bad look.

[892] Everyone over the age of 60 in Florida is under arrest.

[893] But what happened was there were signals all along the way.

[894] And looking back on it now, there were pivotal ones.

[895] but one that sticks to mind for me is I was in Australia once my thing was mostly alcohol I mean I took drugs if they were there but I'm not leaving an open bar going to find drugs You saw cocaine as drinking vitamins It was a vitamin you know if you want to like It's like yeah I'll take it What I used to say was look Here's how I know I'm an alcoholic Not an addict because when I'm in a bar And if I'm drinking and someone says Hey do you want some cocaine I'm like fuck yes I do They said hey I know a guy that's got some cocaine If we go to his apartment we can get someone like If he wants to sell me cocaine, he can come to the fucking bar.

[896] I'm not leaving a bar to go.

[897] That's where we diverts.

[898] That's the only fucking difference is I can see.

[899] I'd cross the Sahara if I thought I had an in -ball.

[900] I think that's fair.

[901] Look, that's just preference.

[902] That's chicken or fish at that point.

[903] But again, drinking.

[904] It always starts with drinking.

[905] Yeah.

[906] So one time I was in Australia and I was drinking pretty bad and I had the first real dose of the terrors, which unless you've had them, there's no way to explain them.

[907] Some people when they take cannabis, sativa, get a similar type of psychosis, the reaction I certainly do, and I can't do it.

[908] But it's kind of like the psychosis from bad marijuana or a bad reaction.

[909] Like paranoia?

[910] Yeah, but it's worse.

[911] It's disassociation.

[912] It's fucking horrible.

[913] And I had it really bad.

[914] And if you're an alcoholic, you know, instinctively, the only way you're going to get rid of it is to drink.

[915] And it was like 6 o 'clock in the morning.

[916] I go out in the street.

[917] I was in a shitty part of Melbourne.

[918] And I knew there was a bar that was open 24 hours.

[919] And I went to the bar.

[920] And because it's Australia and because it's hot, they drink these tiny little beers.

[921] They're called stubby.

[922] It's like a tiny little shot.

[923] It's like flirting with a beer.

[924] Yeah.

[925] I said like sent me up 20 stubbies in this bar.

[926] Right.

[927] And I was pounding these things.

[928] And eventually I get 10 stubbies in or something.

[929] Starting to be okay.

[930] Things are starting to calm down.

[931] And then I started talking to the barmaid who was a really nice goth girl who was just working in the bar.

[932] And he said, geez, you're pretty alcoholic.

[933] Don't you mind?

[934] I said, yeah, I might be.

[935] And she went, you really long to drink.

[936] I said, what makes you the experts?

[937] Well, look.

[938] And she said something that stuck with me forever.

[939] She said, I'm a barmaid in a shitty pub in Melbourne at 6 a .m. And I think you drink too much.

[940] I was like, fuck you.

[941] It's like evil can evil telling you you're too reckless.

[942] I'm like, I count down a little.

[943] But just events like that, ultimately it was I was in a relationship with a woman who I really cared for.

[944] And I kept letting her down.

[945] Like I'd say I'm going to the store and I'd come back three days.

[946] later.

[947] And she eventually said, I love you, but I can't be around this.

[948] And I understood.

[949] See, that was the thing.

[950] I understood.

[951] And I said, if I could have left me, I would have.

[952] And in fact, that's kind of what I was trying to do.

[953] I got sober not long after that.

[954] And then weirdly enough, we tried to get back together afterwards and it never worked.

[955] Yeah, yeah.

[956] That makes sense, though.

[957] It was strange.

[958] This is a hard question to answer because you'll have to acknowledge your own charm.

[959] But I'm sincere in this.

[960] I have watched other comedians wrestle with this, and I have recognized that the battle can be a little harder for them because they do have this crazy antidote, which is you can be at the bottom of one of those three -day troughs, go out on stage, still have that magic, get the love of everyone, and be able to walk off and go, it's not that bad.

[961] Or conversely, you're so charming that you can kind of keep some people around that normally would have gone away.

[962] I do think there's a little bit of an added hurdle when you can be the victim of your own charisma.

[963] It's an interesting way to look at it.

[964] I mean, I love the idea of describing myself as a victim of my own charisma.

[965] I'm fucking stealing that right now.

[966] That's beautiful.

[967] Thank you.

[968] Let's co -author a book called The Victims of Our Own Charisma.

[969] Everyone pukes.

[970] It's a bonville tour, buddy.

[971] Everyone just starts throwing up as they see the title in the airport.

[972] These guys are so fucking full of themselves.

[973] Oh, no, it's ironic, man. Come on.

[974] I will write in parentheses.

[975] It's ironic.

[976] I think that there is some truth to that.

[977] What really is, you find people as sad as you are and you kind of commiserate each other.

[978] They call it in recovery literature.

[979] You find lower companions, which I always thought was a little unfair.

[980] I was the lower companion, I think, for a lot of people.

[981] I was the bar that was lower than my addict friends which prevented them from thinking they had a problem.

[982] But you get sober when you were 29, which is interesting because I run into people who got sober 10 years later.

[983] 15 years later.

[984] Some of them getting sober now.

[985] Oh, yeah, I have friends that got sober at 50.

[986] I'm fucking glad I got hit when I got hit.

[987] I'm glad I got sober.

[988] Oh, same, same.

[989] I have so much gratitude for having the version that was really untenable.

[990] I feel most bad for people who have a pretty tenable version of it.

[991] Well, they call it functioning alcoholism.

[992] Yeah, yeah, but it's true.

[993] When you're just on the line of it, that could gobble up your whole life because you don't really ever have to fuck with it.

[994] Well, that's what I think.

[995] When I see everybody smoking weed, I'm like, oh, aren't you so fucking clever?

[996] when people say it's just a plant and I'm like yeah fucking opium is a plant you dick hops and barley are plants yeah I don't get it it's a weird kind of like if you see anything remotely negative about cannabis right now it's like you're a fascist I'm like hold on a fucking minute what is fair about you can walk down the street we've established that I spend a lot of time in New York City right yes yes so you can walk down the street in New York City if you have a can of malt liquor you have to disguise that in a brown paper bag.

[997] You can walk down the street smoking a fucking blunt and everybody...

[998] But isn't the joint itself a brown paper bag?

[999] Just to be fair.

[1000] It's a brown paper.

[1001] But it's on fire and everybody within half a city block fucking inhales it.

[1002] I just think it should be fairer to my people should be allowed to walk down the street drinking.

[1003] That's all I'm saying.

[1004] Yeah.

[1005] To be honest, I don't mind the weed thing.

[1006] I think it's great.

[1007] I think everyone that can do it when I see a guy on the street with the brown paper bag, I'm like, God bless man, I wish I could still do that.

[1008] I just don't think he should have to have a brown paper bag.

[1009] Well, that's fair, too.

[1010] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree.

[1011] It's almost like there should be stores that sell liquor.

[1012] Oh, wait.

[1013] Oh, one thing to the friends, though, have you noticed this?

[1014] I wouldn't say, like, my friendships were with lesser or higher caliber people.

[1015] No. What I have noticed is the most quintessential ingredient for the friendships back then was loyalty.

[1016] And that's no longer the case for me in sobriety.

[1017] Because when I was a fuck -up, the most important thing to me was you would not judge me and that we would be friends throughout whatever.

[1018] Because we're both going to disappoint each other and we're both going to fuck up.

[1019] We're going to crash each other's shit.

[1020] We're going to try to hit on each other's girlfriends.

[1021] But we're going to be loyal.

[1022] It's very interesting, especially where I'm from as well, that would have always been top of my list of what I would say I wanted a friend.

[1023] And now over the course of the last 20 years, loyalty's not that important to me. I don't need you to be loyal to me. I understand what you're saying back in the day.

[1024] We're all going to fuck up.

[1025] so let's not judge each other.

[1026] I think now I don't want any more friends.

[1027] I'm too old.

[1028] Okay, so you're post -friendship period.

[1029] Yeah, that's fair.

[1030] Yeah, I'm sure you're a very nice person.

[1031] Go fuck this.

[1032] I have less in the way of expectations about your behavior.

[1033] It's not really your behavior that's the problem.

[1034] It's mine that's the problem.

[1035] That's the thing that I can take care of.

[1036] So I can take care of my behavior.

[1037] I can't really do it about yours.

[1038] Other than if I don't like it, I can remove myself from it.

[1039] That's about it.

[1040] Can we talk about one thing before we launch into about Joy, the musicianship.

[1041] I think this is what I've discovered about you today that I didn't know about you in the past was the history as a drummer as a kid and being in a bunch of punk bands.

[1042] We just had Fred Armisen on.

[1043] And he and I were kind of geeking out about because he and I traveled in the same punk rock scene all through the 90s.

[1044] And I was saying, you know, when I really think back, those were the funniest group of people I knew.

[1045] If I was evaluating like my high school, it was all the kids that were in bands that were just naturally kind of hams and performers and it does seem there's this really natural marriage yeah i mean it's funny how many carson was a drummer when i was coming up i was born in 1962 so punk hit 75 76 something like early teens what would we say is the first band crass no the first punk single i remember hearing was the damned neat neat but iggy was there before that then there was television it's all connected here she is who we have a friend Oh, hello.

[1046] Hang on, I'll just have to go.

[1047] I'm lovely to see you.

[1048] Your husband is so handsome.

[1049] I know.

[1050] I know.

[1051] He's looking so handsome.

[1052] Said the pot to the kettle.

[1053] Did you know, by the way, I was just telling those guys, and I've done this for years, that I carry a pair of boxer shorts around in my bag in case I ship myself?

[1054] How at home could he be?

[1055] Very, what's the word for it?

[1056] Responsible?

[1057] Yeah, responsible.

[1058] Admirable, responsible, maybe, cautious.

[1059] I'm not trying to pretend it might not happen.

[1060] It might.

[1061] If it does, if it does, I'm ready.

[1062] That's right.

[1063] Acceptance mode.

[1064] We'd call that acceptance mode.

[1065] That's right.

[1066] To accept the things I cannot change.

[1067] That's right.

[1068] And be prepared for the things.

[1069] Yeah, courage to change the things I can.

[1070] And the wisdom to know the difference.

[1071] You should call those bannies your wisdom.

[1072] This is wisdom.

[1073] This is what this is.

[1074] Dax had an obsession with a pair of underwear that he called men's unmentionables for years.

[1075] They could only come from Sears.

[1076] Covingtons.

[1077] It's the only place I could find my boxers.

[1078] I like the entry -level box.

[1079] I fixate on this kind of thing all the time.

[1080] But then when we couldn't find them anymore, he begrudgingly switched to me undies and now he loves them, but they're snug.

[1081] What happened was I was in a movie where I had to wear them?

[1082] And I was like, oh, support isn't terrible either.

[1083] My testicles would be getting longer and longer.

[1084] And also, the separation between the big guy and the little guy gets worse.

[1085] I don't want my penis to be wearing a cape that's much longer than it.

[1086] Right, exactly.

[1087] It's kind of like the moon is getting further away from the air.

[1088] The moons.

[1089] It happens.

[1090] And so when you can gather it all up, bringing in the sheafs, as it were.

[1091] So I had asked Kristen if she would stop by and here's why.

[1092] In all my years of watching late night talk shows, which I'm a student of, I've always been obsessed.

[1093] Unlike you, I dreamt of being Letterman, right?

[1094] I have to say of any relationship between talk show hosts and guests that I've ever seen, I would put you two on the very top of that list for the best chemistry of all time.

[1095] I totally agree.

[1096] I'm so glad to hear you say that.

[1097] You did this show for 10 years.

[1098] Can you think of anyone that you...

[1099] And I'll tell you this as well.

[1100] The best piece of television I have done in my life is a 13 -minute improvisation that you and I did in Marie Antoinette's bedroom in the Palace of Versailles.

[1101] when I was leaving late night they had a thing for me at the television, the place in Beverly Hills you know where they You know, a motion picture Yeah, that thing Yeah, whatever It's where Larry King used to come along And people would, you know, anyway But they showed that I'd never seen it Because we did it and then like You just fucking move on You do the next thing And I watched that and went That is fucking genius I remember at the start of it We were setting up a piece of improv And we set it up so the audience And I said, okay Now you're going to be Marianne Antoinette and I'm going to be your lover and I'm going to walk in and don't make it dirty that's what I said to you I said don't make it dirty You often said that Yeah as I walked So I walked in and I stood by and Kristen and she said I like it when you come in my back door And I said right there Right there Right there You're right I don't know what it is Well I do people have magic That's what I mean I don't know what it is Oh right right right It is a certain thing that happens I'm sure you have it with other people I had it a little bit with Josh who did the robot on the show.

[1102] Sympotico.

[1103] It was crazy.

[1104] And the thing is, we never hung out.

[1105] We never really hung out.

[1106] We guys went to fucking Europe together.

[1107] That's kind of a good hang.

[1108] Yeah, but I hung out with your wife more than I hung out with you.

[1109] Megan.

[1110] I mean, it's like we're not hanging out.

[1111] Yeah.

[1112] Are you jealous a little bit?

[1113] No. No. I would bring her up there.

[1114] I think I would be a little bit, but there would be be no reason to be.

[1115] Would you, do you get jealous?

[1116] I don't believe that.

[1117] Maybe a little bit sometimes.

[1118] You do?

[1119] Yeah.

[1120] Sometimes if men make Megan laugh, I'm like, what the fuck you do?

[1121] Okay.

[1122] You know, it's like, You make my wife laugh.

[1123] What the fuck?

[1124] I have a ton of character defects.

[1125] This happens to be the one I was spared.

[1126] I loved watching you two.

[1127] What a thing to witness, the chemistry.

[1128] I loved it for both of you.

[1129] I don't think you're going to run off together.

[1130] And I'm delighted you guys can both play in your star -cross lovers.

[1131] This doesn't happen.

[1132] Did you ever tell one fucking story that was pre -planned, Hunt?

[1133] No, because every time I went out, I would meticulously plan it because that's what I like.

[1134] And I feel safest.

[1135] And then I'd walk out.

[1136] And inevitably, you would look at.

[1137] at me. You would rip up the cards in front of you and throw them over your shoulder.

[1138] And we would begin and it was like jumping into ice cold water where you just had to get it over with.

[1139] But I went into a different zone.

[1140] But if I had to identify the word that encapsulates the magic for me, specifically with you, it was willingness.

[1141] We both had a willingness to say, this is not the most important thing in the world to be doing.

[1142] But this is not unfun.

[1143] Let's go in at a hundred and see what we can get.

[1144] And then things come out of it, like going to Paris or, you know, when we sat around the fire and I was pregnant and you had a big vat of peanut butter for me to eat.

[1145] Or when the other day, we were talking about magic with the girls and Lincoln was saying, how do they saw people in half?

[1146] My memory's so bad.

[1147] I was like, huh, let me think about how do they say, oh my God, I've been sawed in half.

[1148] I didn't show you.

[1149] Yeah, yeah.

[1150] And I pulled it up and I showed it to her.

[1151] Did I saw you in half or did the magician's show you?

[1152] You did.

[1153] I did.

[1154] Yes.

[1155] I wouldn't trust me to do that.

[1156] It was a jagged edge.

[1157] It's an odd thing because it is a very unusual human relationship.

[1158] By the way, I think it's okay that the magic is, in reality, if I had to say of anyone that Kristen's ever had a crush on, who I thought she could actually be in a relationship with for 30 years, I think you're the person.

[1159] I think you and I are very similar.

[1160] I think that's true.

[1161] And I think it's totally fine.

[1162] You're much more in shape.

[1163] I've got the age advantage.

[1164] Yeah, you have, what age of you?

[1165] 48.

[1166] Oh, man, you get 12 years on me, 13 years on me. Right, so I should be in better shape than you.

[1167] Yeah, listen, let me tell you, 13 years from now, you're going to look like shit.

[1168] You're going to look like that.

[1169] For sure.

[1170] But I think it's okay that the chemistry and the excitement is you guys find each other attractive, and that's totally fine to explore on television in front of an audience and then leave it there.

[1171] Is that scary for you to acknowledge?

[1172] It feels a bit like we're swinging, but no, I don't think it's as simple.

[1173] as attraction.

[1174] Let me back up.

[1175] As you and I admitted, you brought up the best of me when I was on your show because there's a little bit of competition.

[1176] I also do great when there's a female guest that I think, oh yeah, I find this person pretty intoxicating.

[1177] Another's part of my brain wakes up.

[1178] An avenue that's generally offline, all of a sudden comes online.

[1179] I get that with man, too, though.

[1180] Oh, me too.

[1181] Me too.

[1182] I'll get kind of smitten with a man. Yeah, I can do that.

[1183] Attraction in its pure sense, not necessarily sexual attraction.

[1184] Craig, don't make it dirty.

[1185] For God's sake I like it when you come in my back door But I think that It's quite interesting Because it is a performance attraction It's a weird kind of a thing And I think when they talk about chemistry And movies and stuff Everybody's looking for it And if you've seen out of sight George Colonial J Love Some of the most sizzling fucking chemistry of all time And the rumors they hated each other's guts And so yeah What is that thing that happened?

[1186] It's not like mutual rules respect.

[1187] It's just there was some magic between them.

[1188] But I think that's good.

[1189] Magic is the right word.

[1190] It's magic.

[1191] I don't know what it is.

[1192] I loved it.

[1193] And let me also say that we have used you over the years, now 16 years where Kristen will be about to go on to some kind of show.

[1194] And I will regularly go, just trust that when you turn yourself over to someone like you or like Kimmel, you know how to do it.

[1195] You know how to react immediately.

[1196] Now, Kristen's across the board of great talk show guest on any show.

[1197] Yours was Apex, I think, just because of that chemistry.

[1198] But we've used you as like, remember?

[1199] Because prior to every appearance, I go through a really cool cycle in my head of just going, I shouldn't be here.

[1200] You don't deserve this.

[1201] Why are you doing this?

[1202] Stay in bed.

[1203] That's wrapped inside the ability to work together the way we do because I don't want you to feel that way.

[1204] I like you and we're going to have fun.

[1205] And after the first time, I trusted you, though.

[1206] Like, I trusted you more than any show I've ever been on knowing.

[1207] And you were on once a month about.

[1208] You went on all the time.

[1209] It was kind of, I got to be honest, when they said, who do you think she'd take it?

[1210] We're going, well, obviously, it's Kristen.

[1211] She'll never do it, but she really kind of shit.

[1212] There's something in that.

[1213] Because if you don't like someone and there's chemistry, maybe if you're acting, that would work.

[1214] You're not really acting.

[1215] If you're dicking around in a talk show, I don't know, though, if I ever felt with a guest, this fucking asshole.

[1216] Because usually people were on their best behavior or wanted it to work.

[1217] I guess it's there nearly all the time, but when you can access maybe vulnerability in someone, it makes you want to go a little bit further to help them.

[1218] I think that's what it is.

[1219] We're using the word attraction and it's not specific enough.

[1220] Like there needs to be another Latin derivative or something that we can use that's your protection and I was very attracted to like your soul because I really felt like you could protect me and actually uplift this whole segment we were doing and that we would create something entertaining, which is the very best feeling on earth when you know that someone might be watching it and giggling.

[1221] Yeah, because I honestly came at it from a different angle in the sense that I had no real aspirations.

[1222] Well, I got those pretty quickly.

[1223] I was like, oh, this is actually fun and I want to keep doing it.

[1224] But I think what it was, I had no training.

[1225] So I wanted to be okay.

[1226] And I think early on, when people come on, you think, I know if you have a good time on the show, you'll tell Dax that I had a good time in the show.

[1227] And Dax comes on and he does the show and then you tell, I don't know, Robert Downey Jr. I had a good time in the show.

[1228] And, you know, word gets out.

[1229] The same way as it gets out if you're a shit.

[1230] Because there's shows that I'm like, I don't need to do your show.

[1231] Sure, sure.

[1232] And I've never met the person.

[1233] I'm just like basing it on hearsay.

[1234] And I'm not saying any names or anything because I can't think of many offhand.

[1235] But I'm sure.

[1236] Yeah, but the list is long.

[1237] Oh, it's everybody by YouTube.

[1238] That's it.

[1239] Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.

[1240] But it was so fun over the years.

[1241] I was sad when you retired because AI loved doing your show quite a bit.

[1242] It was so, so much fun.

[1243] A lot of shows, it's not a homework, but it's looming.

[1244] It never felt looming when either of us were booked on your show.

[1245] I feel it's more that way now.

[1246] I don't know that the show that I was doing could exist.

[1247] Not because of any particular content, because there wasn't really anything that anyone's going to get mad.

[1248] I'm sure there's jokes that you could pick out that were horrible.

[1249] But I think it's more about there's a threat, there's a consequence to conversations which are unguarded now which was much less so then so you could be unguarded and i totally understand because i feel in that position too particularly if you're in a publicity style interview like a microphone in your face add a thing yeah i've got to be careful yeah well the slightest fucking word you know what they're fishing for they're fishing for something provocative that will give them some clicks i think it's probably easing a little bit now i think the comedians of today are leading us out of it yeah and I think you're right.

[1250] But anyway, I didn't finish.

[1251] So when you were retiring, I had my own selfish, like, oh, shit, I like going there to sell whatever project I have.

[1252] But truly, I was sad for Kristen.

[1253] I was like, that's the most fun she has on TV, and I have so much fun watching her do it.

[1254] And I'm very sad.

[1255] I won't get to see that again.

[1256] Oh, here we are in your coach.

[1257] Yes, that's why I brought her in.

[1258] Should we bring Jeff in, the robot?

[1259] They never really go along.

[1260] We have a robot on this show.

[1261] That's true.

[1262] You could bring him in.

[1263] I'm replacing Jack.

[1264] I think I like Kristen Bell more than him.

[1265] He only talks in that cadence.

[1266] He can only sing.

[1267] And it's hard because I've got to improv.

[1268] This is a new robot?

[1269] The robot's been along for a while.

[1270] He wants to be a real boy.

[1271] Oh, right.

[1272] It's actually a really sad story.

[1273] Jeff was a prick, as I recall.

[1274] Oh, please.

[1275] He was awesome.

[1276] How dare you?

[1277] See, you've been listening to Chris.

[1278] They didn't get along.

[1279] It's the opposite of the chemistry of the Christian night.

[1280] We did get along, and she and Jeff did not get along.

[1281] No. Josh, who was, of course, Jeff, adores Chris.

[1282] Of course.

[1283] But as Jeff, he really loved the idea of really fucking kneeling.

[1284] It was so much much, such a good bit.

[1285] He's a fucking genius, that guy.

[1286] Yeah.

[1287] Oh, my God.

[1288] I barely remember any.

[1289] I've such a terrible memory, and when I went back and watched when you sawed me in half, I was like, I don't particularly like watching myself, but I want to go back and re -watch them because I don't.

[1290] I don't remember much.

[1291] The only thing I remember about that Marie Antoinette bedroom day was that they said, don't touch anything and don't sit on the bed.

[1292] And like one of the first things we did was sit on the bed.

[1293] We touched everything inside of the bed because we were using the space.

[1294] It was our own little revolution.

[1295] We took our shoes off and slid in our socks all over.

[1296] Yeah.

[1297] Did some planking.

[1298] Yep.

[1299] Because that I think was big at the time and I convinced you to lay down on some stuff.

[1300] Yeah.

[1301] On the floor where the Treaty of Versailles was actually.

[1302] Oh, my God, the start of everything.

[1303] Just lay there so I can take a picture.

[1304] Wait, no, no, no. The Treaty of Versailles was signed in a railroad car that was then put in a museum, and Hitler took it out of the museum, put it back on the tracks in the same place and made them sign their surrender.

[1305] Yeah, well, that's what I meant to say.

[1306] That sounds like something Jeff would do.

[1307] You know what?

[1308] I think your husband may have reached this history channel year.

[1309] I saw a comedian.

[1310] I can't remember who it was.

[1311] I thought it was a great piece.

[1312] I would credit him if I could remember it, but he was talking about how when guys are really into history.

[1313] It's Shane Gillis.

[1314] Oh, is it Shane Gillis?

[1315] Early onset Republicanism.

[1316] Yes, yes, yes.

[1317] He said it's like a werewolf growing inside you.

[1318] If you're really into history.

[1319] If you're in your 20s and you like history, it's coming.

[1320] It's coming.

[1321] It's so true as well.

[1322] It's that thing on TikTok about how often do guys think about the Roman Empire?

[1323] How often do you think about the Roman Empire?

[1324] Oh my God, I've been now asked this several times.

[1325] It would be unfair for me to say because I don't keep track of it.

[1326] But I definitely, especially like if I'm in England, I will go, I can't believe those guys got roads all the way up here in 318D, like, with no machines?

[1327] I do think about it.

[1328] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1329] I've got a Roman fort right outside my old house.

[1330] The fort isn't there, but where it was.

[1331] Outside of your castle?

[1332] It's not a castle.

[1333] It's not a castle.

[1334] It's not a castle.

[1335] It looks like a castle.

[1336] It's in Scotland.

[1337] There's some land around it.

[1338] There's a moat.

[1339] There's some battlements.

[1340] But it's not a castle.

[1341] Is it hard to get internet and shit in a castle?

[1342] Yeah, fucking terrible.

[1343] The walls are 16 foot thick.

[1344] Right.

[1345] Like, how do you run fucking cables anywhere?

[1346] You can go outside and hold your phone up like it's the 1990s.

[1347] It's cool.

[1348] They have a fantasy of living in a castle, and it's not real.

[1349] Yeah, it's funny.

[1350] You know that Outlander show?

[1351] It's kind of a sexy show.

[1352] It's a sexy show about guys who are all really in great shape, walking around wearing kilts.

[1353] Oh, I love it.

[1354] But honestly, Scotland has maybe a guy that looks like that.

[1355] My wife was talking about it, and Megan was saying, I don't get this whole thing about the fetishization of Scottish men.

[1356] I'm like, you literally live in a castle with a fucking scar.

[1357] How dare you?

[1358] If anyone should understand.

[1359] But I guess it's not a fetish anymore if you're married.

[1360] Yeah, it gets normal very quickly.

[1361] Yeah, I know.

[1362] Are you going to have Kristen on About Joy?

[1363] About Joy is your new podcast.

[1364] About Joy, a podcast with Craig Ferguson.

[1365] I listened this morning to Gabriel Iglesias.

[1366] Yeah.

[1367] You know him?

[1368] I didn't know him.

[1369] But by the way, I think that's a testament to your program is that I didn't know him at all.

[1370] And I found myself incredibly interested.

[1371] And he's doing something so outside of what I ever did in comedy.

[1372] He's like playing stadiums and playing stadiums.

[1373] Yeah.

[1374] But it's long form.

[1375] And I'm curious, because part of what drove me to want to do a podcast was I've been on late night talk shows a hundred times.

[1376] I got onto some podcasts as a guest and I was like, oh, this is nice.

[1377] I like doing what we're doing right now.

[1378] I like talk to people.

[1379] And not having to do it in eight minute chunks and have everything to land, you know, be brilliant for all eight minutes.

[1380] Well, certainly I can do that.

[1381] And also, it's relaxing.

[1382] I find it kind of meditative.

[1383] But you and I have this very Socratic way of dealing with our pathology and that we talk about it to get better.

[1384] So I imagine that would attract you to it.

[1385] It's certainly me. And the reason why I chose joy is the name of it is just it's not because it's tell me your 10 favorite things.

[1386] I want to focus on something which is ultimately positive, but not have really a format, pretty much what you're doing here.

[1387] It's not like, okay, Craig, it's time for the ten questions.

[1388] I don't want to do it.

[1389] You're on a boat.

[1390] You can only bring three items.

[1391] Yeah, that kind of BuzzFeed bullshit.

[1392] I don't want any of that.

[1393] But it did seem that you're interviewing a lot of comedians.

[1394] It's who I know.

[1395] So when's Bell going on?

[1396] Have you already asked her?

[1397] Yeah.

[1398] Haven't I asked you?

[1399] I think so.

[1400] Yeah, I think I asked you.

[1401] I think it's like in the process of being scheduled.

[1402] Oh, okay.

[1403] I just don't really have anything to talk about right now, but I'll still come on even if I have nothing that's what you do.

[1404] That's what you do.

[1405] That's what you do.

[1406] Oh, God.

[1407] Leave her alone.

[1408] She'll do it.

[1409] Do it.

[1410] Thank you, Chris.

[1411] Yeah, it's all right.

[1412] You know, you need to have someone around you a little more nurturing.

[1413] This is like Shobah's mom.

[1414] Get out there, a little Chopin.

[1415] You haven't been on the airwaves in over six months.

[1416] You disappointed me!

[1417] But, I mean, I had a guest on a couple of weeks ago.

[1418] I got a guy called William Villanova, who still is, the biggest undertaker in New York City.

[1419] How do you quantify biggest?

[1420] He buries the most amount of people?

[1421] He's like the Coca -Cola.

[1422] He's the guy you go to.

[1423] He's buried, what, like eight guys in one day?

[1424] No, he can do anything for you.

[1425] He can do the Viking.

[1426] I mean, it's a big funeral director, but it's like a college degree to be an undertaker.

[1427] I didn't know.

[1428] No, I didn't know that either.

[1429] Yeah, it's like you have to do mortuary sciences for like four years.

[1430] Really?

[1431] Yeah, it's a fascinating whole world.

[1432] It's like a cross -wishing a doctor and a priest.

[1433] It's weird.

[1434] I want to look up how many there are in the nation that it would support a whole curriculum in school.

[1435] He's funny, though.

[1436] he's like a funny big Irish Catholic American New York guy he's friendly he's got a sense of humor he's clever I was hoping for someone thin and it's not that he's overweight but someone who's very thin kind of goth looking like no time is coming the Tim Burton version of an undertaker's show but he wasn't I was wanting Jack Skellington he wasn't Jack Skellington he turned up he went oh sorry I'm early no one wants to see me early am I right oh sure he got a bunch of goats Oh, my God.

[1437] That's great.

[1438] How unearned did that come across your desk?

[1439] Because I wanted to talk to people who weren't comedians.

[1440] Thomas, who's producing it, we talked about getting people on who weren't.

[1441] And there have been other guests, and there will be over time, you know.

[1442] I mean, it's just that you get people you know first.

[1443] And you're in Scotland?

[1444] I record them here.

[1445] I'm going to make a bunch this week.

[1446] And you know, you should do it this week.

[1447] Wait, wait.

[1448] How long are you on L. You should both do it this week.

[1449] I think I can do it this week.

[1450] If you would do it, that would be great.

[1451] I think I can.

[1452] I don't want to feel like, I feel like, you know, you should be able to say, I don't know.

[1453] I mean, I'm with the kids a bit this week.

[1454] No, I would love a break from the kids.

[1455] All right, fine.

[1456] To be honest.

[1457] They also go to school, Craig.

[1458] You guys are so fucking traditional.

[1459] Arokeel.

[1460] Give them a bone arrow.

[1461] Send them out in the woods.

[1462] Find some Roman stuff.

[1463] Loing claws.

[1464] My oldest boy is now 13 and he's gone to a boarding school.

[1465] In what country?

[1466] In the UK.

[1467] I don't want to say which one is.

[1468] It's Hogwarts.

[1469] It's Hogwarts.

[1470] It is Hogwarts.

[1471] It is Hogwarts.

[1472] It kind of.

[1473] But he wanted to go.

[1474] Oh, he wanted to go.

[1475] I didn't send him in school like, that's it.

[1476] You disappointed me, son.

[1477] Listen, I don't want to alienate any of my English listeners.

[1478] But I have noticed some traditions that are confusing to me from where I grew.

[1479] It wouldn't blow my mind if you sent him and that's what everyone does.

[1480] No, no. Megan went to her boarding school and she loved it.

[1481] She's from Vermont or something?

[1482] Yeah, she's from New Hampshire.

[1483] New Hampshire.

[1484] Yeah.

[1485] And she went to a board in school when she was a teenager and loved it.

[1486] And he wanted to go and try it and he loves it.

[1487] And I'm like, the fuck's my dude.

[1488] Yeah, you're missing?

[1489] Yeah, it's awful, yeah.

[1490] Do you remember the Dangerfield movie?

[1491] Back to school.

[1492] Oh, God, it's been a while.

[1493] I think I've seen it.

[1494] He does the triple Lindy in it.

[1495] He goes to college with his son.

[1496] He had never gone.

[1497] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1498] And he puts a hot tub in the dorm room and he throws great parties.

[1499] Yeah, the kid's a nerd, and he's, of course, Dangerfield.

[1500] It's a perfect movie.

[1501] Maybe you should replicate that.

[1502] No, I don't think anybody wants that.

[1503] So I dropped out of school when I was 16.

[1504] I have nothing to base it on.

[1505] And you are an electrical gadgetry apprentice?

[1506] How long did that last?

[1507] About 18 months.

[1508] Oh, okay.

[1509] Do you feel...

[1510] I could maybe help you help you help you help with your sockets.

[1511] Can you help us with this situation?

[1512] Can you solder well?

[1513] Yeah, I can solder.

[1514] I don't know.

[1515] That looks pretty...

[1516] It's advanced.

[1517] That looks like year three.

[1518] I never got that far.

[1519] Let's just say it's good you have backup panties if you're going to tackle that one.

[1520] Yeah, that, to me, looks like a fire hazard.

[1521] Oh, yeah.

[1522] We should have an extinguisher.

[1523] up here.

[1524] You don't have an extent.

[1525] We have extinguishes everywhere.

[1526] You do?

[1527] In your castle nothing will even burn.

[1528] It's a hub.

[1529] It's a ha!

[1530] I was talking to one of the guys who worked on the renovations.

[1531] I didn't renovate it.

[1532] And he said yeah, when we were working on it, we found this little pool of mercury.

[1533] And I was like, oh my God, because that's highly toxic substance.

[1534] And he said it was just like rolling around in one of the rafters.

[1535] And I was like, what did you do?

[1536] He said, well, we had to call poison control guys, and they come, and the hazmat guys and they take it all the way.

[1537] And then I said, Why would they have mercury?

[1538] And he said it's the weirdest thing.

[1539] What they used to do is when they were defending the house from people that were attacking it in these tiny little windows.

[1540] The archers would dip the arrows in mercury and fire them.

[1541] So even if you got grazed with it, you were dead.

[1542] Oh, wow.

[1543] Isn't that crazy?

[1544] Of course, the arches would all die of mercury poisoning as well.

[1545] But that's what they did.

[1546] It was germ warfare.

[1547] And someone just left a bunch of their mercury up in the rafters.

[1548] Yeah, that's not all that was left there either.

[1549] They found some other stuff.

[1550] Yeah, they found a body when they were renovated.

[1551] They found a body.

[1552] Was it mummified?

[1553] It was very old.

[1554] It was like 500 years old.

[1555] No. Found it in one of the walls.

[1556] Is that Jeff?

[1557] It is, Jeff is there now.

[1558] Jeff is actually in the place where they found the body.

[1559] That's where he is.

[1560] Oh, my gosh.

[1561] Do you ever just go have a chat with him?

[1562] No. No. I don't.

[1563] Okay.

[1564] But I talk to Josh all the time.

[1565] Yeah, you love Josh.

[1566] I do love Josh.

[1567] It's that chemistry thing you're talking about.

[1568] Somebody that just makes you laugh.

[1569] I mean, that motherfucker makes me laugh like nobody else.

[1570] He's unbelievable.

[1571] Some people wake up your spirit.

[1572] Something like that.

[1573] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1574] He did a thing once.

[1575] I still laugh about it.

[1576] He impersonates a lot of people, and he was doing R2D2, but he did him as a kind of wise guy, kind of from New York.

[1577] Hey, you're still on beedly, beadley, beep.

[1578] What are the weirdest fucking thing?

[1579] He's very, very creative.

[1580] And, of course, like many of us, he has his demons.

[1581] Now's you can't leave.

[1582] Do you, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

[1583] Beed, bum, I feel the force, boy.

[1584] That's right.

[1585] Very, very funny, man. Well, I adore you, and I really hope this comes together, and I hope you enjoyed seeing your old talk show soulmate.

[1586] Definitely.

[1587] People who still would say, who's your favorite guest?

[1588] And I would always say Betty White.

[1589] Because it's respectful.

[1590] Yeah.

[1591] And also, Betty asked me. Betty shuffled off, and now that Betty's going, no, Kristen, was it?

[1592] The evidence was there anyway.

[1593] 63 appearances.

[1594] Something like that.

[1595] Yeah.

[1596] It's crazy.

[1597] Was it 60?

[1598] I don't think it was 63, but it was.

[1599] a lot of calls of, hey, somebody can't come in on Tuesday.

[1600] Can you be here at 4?

[1601] Sure.

[1602] That's a real gesture of love and support and desperation and all the things that make relationships great.

[1603] It was always fun.

[1604] It always pushed my boundaries a little bit again because I do want everything to be planned so that I feel safe.

[1605] But the fact that I felt so safe with you and your team and yet I knew every time I got there you'd rip up those cards and it would just be a free for all and we'd see what we got.

[1606] Do you know what's so weird about that is that I never knew that about you until this moment?

[1607] Really?

[1608] Yeah, I always thought you were like, oh, fuck, and let's do it.

[1609] Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine.

[1610] Because I remember walking around Montmartre with you and Eddie Isard.

[1611] We were in that fancy restaurant with Jean Renoe talking about the meaning of life and all that shit.

[1612] Had you already done couples retreat at that point?

[1613] You don't know.

[1614] Now, my memory's so bad.

[1615] I don't know.

[1616] You must have.

[1617] I must have.

[1618] Because we had been together for a while.

[1619] Now, did Jean Reno actually remember me from couples retreat?

[1620] I highly doubt that.

[1621] Okay, that's fair.

[1622] He's a little too European to remember.

[1623] He's very European and he was very serious and that was just quite the juxtaposition between walking the streets with Eddie who was like, so irreverent.

[1624] And then Jean -Rano was very serious and using the right silverware at the duck restaurant.

[1625] Yeah, yeah.

[1626] Tour d 'Argian.

[1627] I tell this story at the risk of really offending scuba officials, like they're going to come after me for this.

[1628] They've had it there way too long.

[1629] Those scuba officials.

[1630] Fuck those people.

[1631] Self -contained underwater breathing apparatus.

[1632] So she does couples retreat.

[1633] It's in Bora Bora.

[1634] I'm just there hanging and writing.

[1635] And Jean Reno is in the movie.

[1636] And he has brought his diving master from when he did the big blue.

[1637] Do you remember that incredible Luke Basin movie?

[1638] So they have been friends since that movie.

[1639] And that was probably 20 years prior to this.

[1640] That guy's there like I'm there, right?

[1641] He's hanging with Jean Reno.

[1642] And they go on dives any day that he has the day off.

[1643] And he invites all of us to go diving.

[1644] And he says, do you have any experience?

[1645] And I go, no, none whatsoever.

[1646] I've never been down more than like 10 feet in a pool.

[1647] No problem.

[1648] You know, so -and -so is there.

[1649] They took all of us diving and we fucking dove.

[1650] Like, we were down, down, deep in caves and everything.

[1651] And it was the most thrilling.

[1652] It was wild.

[1653] Tons of lemon sharks.

[1654] Have you done it?

[1655] I did Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.

[1656] Oh, right, duh.

[1657] Yeah.

[1658] You have a moment where you're going down, down, down, and whatever.

[1659] That guy's showing us at what speed to go down, blah, blah, blah, to be safe.

[1660] But then you look up and you go, okay, if my air ran out right now, I can't get to the top.

[1661] That crosses your mind every time?

[1662] I'm in fact one of the aforementioned scuba officiant.

[1663] Okay.

[1664] Are you pissed that I did this?

[1665] I'm a little annoyed.

[1666] But, you know, I'm trying not to let my love of scuba get in the way of our friendship.

[1667] But the thing that struck me about it, the first time I saw it, is that when you go underwater and the first time you see the silhouette of a shark in the distance and think, it's the first time my fucking life I've not been top of the food chain.

[1668] This is terrifying.

[1669] I'm prey.

[1670] All the instincts are there.

[1671] Stuff you didn't know was there.

[1672] Have you swam with some big sharks?

[1673] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1674] Did you do Shark Week as well?

[1675] I didn't do Shark Week, but I cagedove with Great Whites.

[1676] Oh, geez.

[1677] And.

[1678] Were they like biting the side of the fucking cage and shit, right?

[1679] No, they were very nice.

[1680] Oh, they were.

[1681] Yeah, nice guys.

[1682] They were nice guys.

[1683] It's that chemistry thing?

[1684] I have such an oblivious perspective about the reality of predators because I don't get scared around animals.

[1685] This is true.

[1686] And so going into the cage, You know, I was like up against it saying hi to everyone who was swimming around me. That's a little weird.

[1687] I feel tons of fear about other things, but I don't feel fear about that.

[1688] Like when we went to Africa.

[1689] Have you done that a safari?

[1690] No, no, I never have.

[1691] We did it.

[1692] And you're in the Jeep with no door.

[1693] I've got one of those.

[1694] Then you're halfway there.

[1695] Yeah, I'll drive.

[1696] The lion walks up next to the fucking Jeep, and you're two feet away from it.

[1697] There's nothing between you, and the lion turns.

[1698] in locks eyes with you and in your head you're like the driver said we don't represent their pray because we're in a car nothing to worry about i'm shitting bricks all i could do not to reach out and pet him yeah i mean really but i did i was smart enough to know like you can't touch them but i just never bothered and i was a wreck the first week we were there i was like one of them's gonna jump in why wouldn't they hungry enough they looked me dead in the eyes they know i'm here i found it very scary.

[1699] As delicious as you look, maybe you're just not to a lion's taste.

[1700] Clearly not, or I would have been got.

[1701] Is that the thing, like, once they've tasted human flesh?

[1702] That's the rumor.

[1703] I think that's probably made up shit.

[1704] Wait, that they then like it or don't like it?

[1705] Yeah, they get a taste for humans.

[1706] They taste human flesh, and then they turn into vampires or something.

[1707] I don't know.

[1708] You have to back check that.

[1709] You have to bite them into your house or something.

[1710] I can't remember.

[1711] They say that about polar bears, too.

[1712] There's like other bears.

[1713] Well, bear's, like, polar bears will stalk you.

[1714] Oh, sure.

[1715] You'd be on the plane going home and the polar bear be a couple of seats behind you.

[1716] Read the newspaper.

[1717] Like wearing a hat.

[1718] With a hat, yeah, Gabbardine hat.

[1719] Hey, I'm just going to Reno.

[1720] No wine for me, thank you.

[1721] I have my sights on something else.

[1722] That's a great full of our voice.

[1723] That's better than mine.

[1724] Man was like, hey, how you's doing?

[1725] I like George.

[1726] Yours is from New York.

[1727] Yeah, that's all I can do.

[1728] Hey, how's you doing?

[1729] How's just doing?

[1730] Hey, how's you doing?

[1731] Oh, my God.

[1732] All right, well, we adore you.

[1733] I'm so glad you came in.

[1734] I miss you.

[1735] Oh, last thing.

[1736] I had some anticipation of seeing how you look Because I haven't seen you in person in 10 years You look even fucking cooler Don't you think Kristen How fucking cool is he looking With this hairdo?

[1737] Very white You've gotten more tats Yeah, it's most tats I remember when you first got your snake I love that you're gonna name anonymous In Press and television But you have a fucking poster on your arm Like you're really picking your battles You're gonna be in the photos With a big A symbol on your arm But you're - No, it's on my end their arm and it's behind a crow.

[1738] I think I'll be all right.

[1739] We both have crows.

[1740] Yeah, you got to have crows.

[1741] You got to have crows.

[1742] You're not coming to my house in Scotland unless you got a fucking crow.

[1743] Well, then I'll be there.

[1744] Listen, okay, this is more I think you and I are like twins separated by, yeah.

[1745] Okay, why do you love the crow?

[1746] I want to know if it's the same reason I do.

[1747] I don't have a specific reason, but I will tell you a story about a crow very quickly.

[1748] Tell it long way.

[1749] You know that a little bit where Highland and Franklin meet.

[1750] So I'm driving there one day and It was raining, and I was with Megan.

[1751] And then a crow just went out of a fucking wormhole.

[1752] I'd never seen Antalike in my fucking life.

[1753] It just appeared.

[1754] I swear to God.

[1755] And materialized.

[1756] And I said to Megan, did you see that?

[1757] Did you see that?

[1758] And she went, yeah, they do that all the time.

[1759] And I was like, I didn't know they could do that.

[1760] You didn't know they could apparate and disappro.

[1761] Apparently, they can.

[1762] They can apparite.

[1763] Wow.

[1764] And that's why you...

[1765] Now, I don't want to annoy any crow or fish in a dog.

[1766] who say, no, that is not the behavior exhibited by a crow.

[1767] A Corvitt expert?

[1768] Yeah, but I like them.

[1769] They're magic.

[1770] Okay, you like them because they just appear.

[1771] I like them because they're magical bird.

[1772] Because they're magical.

[1773] Okay.

[1774] Let's see if you can relate to mine, though.

[1775] This is if you can find a toehold, which is they're not the prettiest bird, but they're the smartest.

[1776] Yeah, facial recognition.

[1777] And you can get pretty far.

[1778] Ah, I see where you're going.

[1779] I think that's the way I like them now.

[1780] Yeah, I'm hooking on to it.

[1781] Maybe you just hadn't articulated it.

[1782] Yeah, you explained it to me. You explained my love of crows to me and that is why your podcast is so much better than my No way, no way, no way.

[1783] And we have a ton of them in the yard, which is such a delight.

[1784] And we also have a hawk in the yard.

[1785] And again, they're not the toughest either.

[1786] But they're fearless.

[1787] Anytime the hawk takes flight, five of them go up and just start dive bombing.

[1788] The hawk doesn't give a fuck, which is also cool.

[1789] Yeah, it's just like chill.

[1790] Does the hawk smoke?

[1791] I feel like the hawk smoke.

[1792] Camelites.

[1793] Yeah.

[1794] Softpack only.

[1795] That's right.

[1796] Rolled up in the world.

[1797] wing?

[1798] Yeah.

[1799] There's always one left in there too.

[1800] I have been trying so hard to get them to recognize our faces and to start exchanging gifts because I've read about it and seen people to do it.

[1801] And I do have a basket inside that's labeled for the crows.

[1802] And it's like peanuts, trail mix, kibble.

[1803] There's just like dog kibble, shiny things.

[1804] Like I steal some of the kids' little toys and trinkets and put them in there.

[1805] And I thought I was on to something the other day because sometimes we'll see like 15 of them just swooping around and I'll go outside and I'll just throw it all over the yard.

[1806] It was Hitchcock Indian the other day.

[1807] There was like 45 in a tree.

[1808] And I was like, we're about 10 away from it getting scary.

[1809] It was awesome.

[1810] One of them came down and took a branch from the olive tree, like from the ground, to their nest.

[1811] And I screamed everybody in the house.

[1812] Nobody go near the windows.

[1813] And I went and got the crow basket.

[1814] And I just started putting all the foods because they said, you don't know what each individual crow is going to like.

[1815] So you got to put a lot of stuff out there, hoping that one of them would come back and nobody came back.

[1816] They might have more expensive taste.

[1817] You need to put some more expensive stuff out there.

[1818] Some caviar?

[1819] Beverly Hills Crows, that's kind of what it is.

[1820] Right, we're in L .A. We're joking about this, but it is true that these things are spoiled, rotten, living in L .A. If we lived in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming and we put out the shit we put out, the crows would go bananas.

[1821] They'd be all over it because all they're eating as fucking sour berries off of trees.

[1822] But they're living so large here with all the fruit trees that are in the area.

[1823] They don't really give a fuck when we put food.

[1824] I've put meat out.

[1825] I've done it all.

[1826] Oh, there was a, barbecued for you put me out?

[1827] No, there was a time when Dax put a bunch of salami over the top of his truck on the top of the truck bed.

[1828] I totally do that.

[1829] Because that's where they were landing and he was like, maybe if I just spread all this out.

[1830] He doesn't love a good salami.

[1831] I'm going to do that when I get home.

[1832] You must.

[1833] I'm going to do that.

[1834] I've got a great truck and I'm going to put salami on my truck.

[1835] This is so good.

[1836] I'm picking up such great tips.

[1837] And I kind of learned to call like they do?

[1838] I've put so much time into this crow thing.

[1839] Let's hear it.

[1840] I can barely remember it, but it.

[1841] All right.

[1842] That's what they sound like in our yard.

[1843] It's not bad.

[1844] But oftentimes he's just standing out in the yard going, Crohn's with his arm up in the air.

[1845] Crowles.

[1846] That sounds a bit more like teletubbies right there when you're dead.

[1847] Might have tracked some of them too.

[1848] Uh -oh.

[1849] Crow for down.

[1850] Croftar down.

[1851] Croft facial recognition.

[1852] Oh, why were they so creepy, telitubbies?

[1853] I think that's a little judgmental.

[1854] It is.

[1855] I'll own my judgment.

[1856] Here come the teletubbies.

[1857] I liked them.

[1858] Teletubbies are going to come for us.

[1859] I remember watching them when boys were really little.

[1860] I watched telitubbies and I'd be like, man, I wish I still took a shish.

[1861] This would be a ride.

[1862] There's like a little hash oil.

[1863] If this good sober, just imagine.

[1864] Oh, man. Especially tinky winky winky.

[1865] Oh, you hate it.

[1866] Tinky winky was great.

[1867] Tinky winky for down.

[1868] Uh -oh.

[1869] Uh -oh.

[1870] Tinky winky.

[1871] All right, Craig.

[1872] So much fun seeing you.

[1873] Everybody listened to about joy.

[1874] That's just called joy, I think.

[1875] It's just called joy.

[1876] It's just joy.

[1877] Are you positive?

[1878] No, I look it up on the, I think you're wrong about this.

[1879] Really?

[1880] It might be a better job.

[1881] I think it's important that you know.

[1882] I turn my breath.

[1883] Joy.

[1884] Yeah, yeah.

[1885] Oh, my God.

[1886] We'll edit out all these.

[1887] about.

[1888] No, no, no. I mean, look, it's okay.

[1889] We'll steam ahead.

[1890] Everybody listen to About Joy.

[1891] Oh, no. With Craig Ferguson.

[1892] Adore you.

[1893] Thanks for coming.

[1894] Thanks, guys.

[1895] Stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that we're wrong.

[1896] Should we warn the cherries right now?

[1897] What?

[1898] We just, we've been interviewing for, I guess, like six hours at this point.

[1899] We're tired.

[1900] Well, we're just.

[1901] slap happy a little bit oh yeah well okay you're tired i'm a little slap happy i'm exhausted but it gets to the point when we do armchair anonymous because we'll do eight in a row by the end you and i are kind of off our rockers yeah that's fair to say right we're in another zone which i love it's like being out of sleepover and yeah and everything's silly they call it slap happy but why what is it mean why rob what's the meaning of slap happy um So, 1930s originally described someone who's punch drunk or stupefied from repeated blows to the head.

[1902] Yeah, I know punch drunk.

[1903] So it's related to that.

[1904] Slap happy.

[1905] Like a slap happy boxer.

[1906] Oh.

[1907] I'm not getting much out of that.

[1908] Well, it goes back to the thing you don't like fighting.

[1909] Simmy.

[1910] I also want to tell the cherries that you were waving goodbye to people on these calls and it looked preposterous.

[1911] Why?

[1912] Why does it look preposterous?

[1913] First of all, waving goodbye on a Zoom is just funny.

[1914] And I've done it too.

[1915] I love doing it.

[1916] Waving on a Zoom.

[1917] Bye.

[1918] What's the difference between on a Zoom in and real life?

[1919] I feel like waving goodbye is something you do and there's a great distance between you.

[1920] All right.

[1921] Take care.

[1922] Or hey, hi.

[1923] You would never walk up to somebody face to face and wave and go, hi.

[1924] Right?

[1925] That is insane.

[1926] And nor would you be talking.

[1927] And like, okay, you're taking off.

[1928] Cool.

[1929] And you went wave.

[1930] No. Waving's for distance.

[1931] Listen.

[1932] Well, first of all, Zoom is the ultimate distance.

[1933] People were across the country.

[1934] Okay.

[1935] If you're talking literally.

[1936] Okay, that's a check in my box.

[1937] Now, two, if...

[1938] We're face to face, though.

[1939] Two, if you're standing here by my chair and I'm just one foot away about to walk out the door, this is what I would do.

[1940] Hand on the door, start to open, look back, bye, and I would wait.

[1941] You would throw a wave, though.

[1942] I do.

[1943] I wave at you all the time.

[1944] You never knew.

[1945] Yeah, this looks crazier on TV.

[1946] Because I'm watching it.

[1947] I can't see you waving.

[1948] I'm looking forward at the camera or at the computer.

[1949] Yeah.

[1950] And all I see is next to me, I see someone waving like they're in a parade.

[1951] Homecoming parade.

[1952] Pardon.

[1953] Pardon me. Did you get any buggers?

[1954] That buggers just a tiny bit of, your nose doesn't run much, right?

[1955] No. And actually, this is a great.

[1956] What am I doing?

[1957] You're just picking your nose very openly.

[1958] No, I have tissue.

[1959] I love it.

[1960] I was like just getting the wetness out.

[1961] Okay, can I say something about people who are doing what you're doing right now?

[1962] People who do what you're doing.

[1963] Which is I feel like when I have tissue, like if I have to blow my nose or pick my nose in public or something.

[1964] Of course I use tissues, but I then, I don't use the motion, the one finger picking motion.

[1965] Pushing up into the.

[1966] Yeah.

[1967] But, you know, I just want to be clear, I'm not picking.

[1968] I would never pick my nose with tissue.

[1969] I would use my fingernail.

[1970] When I do this, I'm trying to get like whatever snots in there.

[1971] Okay.

[1972] I'm not picking up.

[1973] I don't have any boogers.

[1974] I just have some drainage.

[1975] Right.

[1976] It looks very.

[1977] Like I'm picking.

[1978] Yeah, it looks like you're picking and you just chose to put a little tissue on top and you might as well just take the tissue off.

[1979] You've been busted in your car picking your nose, haven't you?

[1980] Where you've looked over and you realize, yeah, they just saw me pick my nose.

[1981] Oh, God.

[1982] I'm sure.

[1983] I mean, I've never noticed someone noticing, but I'm sure I've picked my nose and people have noticed.

[1984] I have.

[1985] And then let me add that my general assumption of how many people recognize me in general life is like one in a hundred.

[1986] That's kind of like what I operate with thinking.

[1987] When I look over and someone has seen me pick my nose, I'm like, they 100 % know me. You know, I go straight to, they've got a story now.

[1988] Yeah, and little do they know, I'm just trying to get some of the drainage out.

[1989] My mom has a very drainy nose as well.

[1990] She does.

[1991] Allergies.

[1992] I don't know what it is, but we were actually just talking about this, that she just always has.

[1993] She has a cold, right?

[1994] Well, she does act.

[1995] She has an act of cold.

[1996] Is that what you're thinking of?

[1997] No, no, no, not because of the cold, just in general.

[1998] Right.

[1999] I think mine is pretty dry as a nose in general.

[2000] Yeah, it makes sense because you don't pee.

[2001] You have a dry nose.

[2002] You're just generally kind of.

[2003] Dehy.

[2004] dry.

[2005] Oh, allergies.

[2006] I notice this when I travel, I don't have a running nose when I leave California.

[2007] I'm allergic to something in California.

[2008] I didn't have one growing up like habitually like Aaron always did, but in California I do.

[2009] We have bad air.

[2010] Bad air and then dogs.

[2011] I live with dogs, which is not great, even though they're hypoallergenic.

[2012] I don't know that I trust that because I was just gone for a week and I noticed, oh, I don't have any of that shit.

[2013] Oh, wow.

[2014] Oh, yeah.

[2015] You know what's really sucks?

[2016] Don't you think if you see someone attractive picking their nose?

[2017] Yeah.

[2018] Like, it's fine.

[2019] Of course.

[2020] I know.

[2021] Yeah, I like anything someone that I'm attracted to does.

[2022] Oh, I just meant, I meant more blanketly.

[2023] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2024] Strangers.

[2025] This is the tax that I'm always talking about that exists in life.

[2026] There's attacks on people that aren't super hot.

[2027] I know.

[2028] Yes.

[2029] It's that, you know, it came up in the Megan Phelps roper, which she totally owned, which is I'm not like beating.

[2030] But she was shown so much patience while she was a Westboro Baptist member.

[2031] Right.

[2032] And by her eventual husband.

[2033] Yeah.

[2034] And I was like, if you're not attractive, no one's going to show you that patience.

[2035] It would be harder.

[2036] Yeah.

[2037] That's what's really unfair about planet earth.

[2038] Yeah.

[2039] I wonder if people see you picking their, if someone saw you picking your nose and you're, you're not famous.

[2040] You're a stranger.

[2041] I can't pull it off.

[2042] I'm so big.

[2043] Can you pull it?

[2044] No, I'm too big.

[2045] Like, look that fucking big guy.

[2046] He's like an oag.

[2047] Yes, exactly.

[2048] An ogre.

[2049] Yeah.

[2050] That's where my size would work against me. But do you think you do a daintilly?

[2051] Me?

[2052] Yeah.

[2053] When you pick your nose.

[2054] No, I'm going to pick my nose.

[2055] I just fucking pick it.

[2056] You do?

[2057] Yes.

[2058] If it needs picking.

[2059] It's so rare that I have a bugger.

[2060] But I would just.

[2061] Oh, yeah, I've seen you do that.

[2062] Yeah, I would just pick it.

[2063] I don't, you know, I'm going to do it.

[2064] I'm going to worry more about what someone thinks than this annoying booger my nose.

[2065] I can't do it.

[2066] Well, that's my privilege.

[2067] Well, kind of.

[2068] And sometimes you act like you care so much about people's approval, but not so much that you can't even not pick your nose.

[2069] Well, I do think that's true.

[2070] I'm not really that codependent, yet I do want everyone's approval.

[2071] Yeah, that makes no sense.

[2072] Well, it's just I'm going to spend a lot of my energy trying to win you over.

[2073] But I'm also not going to be someone I'm not for you to approve of me. Yeah, that's okay.

[2074] I like that.

[2075] your approval for sure okay when you were little yeah never was but go ahead yes you I was born this size when you would pick your nose yeah where'd you put it anywhere I could my sock under the bed you know yeah on the bed frame under my desk at school yeah now I do have this really it's one of my most visceral distinct memories okay my brother was playing flag football And I had to go to the game and I was sitting on this log that had been laid out was like a parking like to stop people from it was like demarcating the parking lot.

[2076] So it's this long log like a telephone pulled outside.

[2077] I'm just sitting there watching the game.

[2078] I'm bored out of my mind.

[2079] This little boy my age sits down next to me. And he's like, you're a brother playing too?

[2080] And I'm like, yeah.

[2081] Beat, beat, beat.

[2082] Do you eat your boogers?

[2083] First second question.

[2084] do you eat your boogers?

[2085] And I go, no, which I didn't.

[2086] Yeah.

[2087] He goes, really?

[2088] And I go, no. And he goes, I do.

[2089] I'm like, oh.

[2090] And then we did not talk, but we sat on this log next to that.

[2091] And I just remember, even at that age, we were both probably seven.

[2092] And even at that age, I knew that this was an awkward experience.

[2093] You know, you don't think kids feel awkward, but I do.

[2094] I remember feeling.

[2095] awkward.

[2096] Like, Jesus, where do we go from this question?

[2097] Yeah.

[2098] Oh, wow.

[2099] Yeah.

[2100] The bed frame took a lot of, took a lot of.

[2101] I don't want to talk about it, but we are talking about it.

[2102] Well, you already exposed your position by, because I was curious if I was alone.

[2103] Yep.

[2104] And you were very excited and relieved when I would put it on my bed frame.

[2105] I can remember feeling the steel bed frame under my bed where I would place boogers.

[2106] I got to see one more thing while we're on the topic of my running nose.

[2107] Okay.

[2108] And you've witnessed it.

[2109] So I have always, I have to have a box of Kleenex next to my bed because I'm constantly, yes.

[2110] I think about you a lot whenever there are tissues because you need tissues everywhere.

[2111] Yes.

[2112] So what's so embarrassing I realize is like, let's say the housekeepers have come on Friday.

[2113] And I forgot for some reason to pick up the, there's always three tissues on my bed because I'm also super frugal with the tissues.

[2114] I won't just use it once and then throw it away.

[2115] I like nurse them for the whole night.

[2116] And so every time I've left and I go, oh, fuck.

[2117] The cleaners are here.

[2118] And I forgot to throw out my teeth.

[2119] There's like three tissues that have been used.

[2120] And then I think, do they think?

[2121] You're awful.

[2122] Well, do they, it's awful, period, if it's just a tissue from my nose.

[2123] Oh, you think I think I've left behind beat off tissue.

[2124] No. They don't.

[2125] Absolutely do.

[2126] In a bet, right?

[2127] Maybe.

[2128] I'm constantly wondering what they think because, A, the tissues is weird.

[2129] I mean, they're probably like.

[2130] What a pig.

[2131] Yeah.

[2132] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2133] And it's true.

[2134] And I usually really remember to do that.

[2135] You're not a pig, I will say.

[2136] But often, I don't give myself a bunch of ample time.

[2137] I just have enough time to do the little things.

[2138] And then I take the kids to school.

[2139] And then so often when I come back in, like, it's off to the races.

[2140] And I don't even go back upstairs.

[2141] And those are the times where it's happened.

[2142] And I hate that I've done that.

[2143] And I do worry they think I'm beating off.

[2144] Are they ever right?

[2145] No. That I would never leave on my bed.

[2146] I don't know why I think it's fine to leave like some mildly snoddy tissues on my bed, but I would not leave that on my bed.

[2147] Yeah.

[2148] I think that's correct.

[2149] Reasonable.

[2150] Yeah.

[2151] Oh, man. Oh, boy.

[2152] Rob, did you ever put your, boogers on your bed frame be honest i think i'd like flick them in the carpet okay sure it's very universal people everyone has boogers everyone has to pick their boogers but i don't know if everyone does the same thing everyone is gross with themselves i really believe that yes i think everyone's because anyone have ever gotten close enough and been intimate with i have found out they were also gross i just have never as soon as i've gotten very close to somebody i do discover that they're equally as disgusting as I am.

[2153] I'd help that Aaron and I were best friends because he is just so honest about everything he does.

[2154] I just don't think that girls are talking about where they're putting their boogers.

[2155] Probably.

[2156] I don't, I wouldn't know, obviously, but.

[2157] I mean, I never talk.

[2158] I don't think I've ever talked about that.

[2159] You and Kelly have never talked about that?

[2160] No. Okay.

[2161] Only just now me and you are talking.

[2162] Okay.

[2163] In America.

[2164] Yeah.

[2165] Yeah.

[2166] Just me, you in America.

[2167] I had a lovely night last night.

[2168] Okay, let's hear it.

[2169] I participated in this fundraiser that Paul Shear and his wife, June, put on.

[2170] Yes, hyper -talented couple.

[2171] Yeah, very.

[2172] And they put on this spectacular show.

[2173] It was like doing the Oscars.

[2174] I mean, I can't believe our well -run it was.

[2175] At the amorphium.

[2176] Orphium.

[2177] Orphium.

[2178] I cannot get the name of that.

[2179] This is like the 20th time I got Orphium.

[2180] Okay, cool.

[2181] Have you been there?

[2182] Mm -mm.

[2183] Big theater.

[2184] Like, I don't know, a couple thousand seats or something.

[2185] Yeah.

[2186] So Paul had asked me to do it.

[2187] And I was like, yeah, absolutely.

[2188] And then I said, what am I doing?

[2189] And he said, you're going to go on stage and you're going to do one -minute interviews.

[2190] And you will not know the questions and you don't know if you're going to interview.

[2191] And I said, okay, great.

[2192] So I went there.

[2193] And by the way, I'm on the fence of this is a gross story to tell or not.

[2194] Because I're going to tell about your piece.

[2195] No, but I could.

[2196] I got a sweatshirt.

[2197] I love that I, because I was watching our favorite documentary.

[2198] Backham.

[2199] Backham documentary.

[2200] And his teammate had this sweater.

[2201] And you're obsessed now with Beckham's style.

[2202] So obsessed.

[2203] Yes.

[2204] It's laughable.

[2205] How obsessed I am.

[2206] Weirdly, it wasn't one of his outfits.

[2207] It was his teammates who also had really good style.

[2208] And he was also the cutest guy in it besides him.

[2209] Which one?

[2210] Short black hair.

[2211] Well, he's in that fucking sweatshirt.

[2212] Is he the one that was on Manchester United?

[2213] Oh, I loved him.

[2214] He seemed very low -key.

[2215] I liked him a lot.

[2216] And it kind of sarcastic and funny.

[2217] He is awesome.

[2218] And he had the great, he had great style.

[2219] He had a couple good pieces.

[2220] So you've invested in some pieces.

[2221] I have.

[2222] I've gone down your road.

[2223] I know.

[2224] And nothing makes me more thrilled.

[2225] It's exciting.

[2226] We're going to share this now.

[2227] The way it happened to is Charlie and I were watching the Beckham Dock in Austria, Austria in Austin.

[2228] And I'm like, fuck.

[2229] What do you think of that hoodie?

[2230] He's like, it's incredible.

[2231] And they keep coming to him.

[2232] I'm like, fuck, that thing is awesome.

[2233] And he's like, it's so cool.

[2234] I go online and I look, see if I could find that said piece.

[2235] and I found it, but in a zipper version.

[2236] But that's not even the story.

[2237] But I did wear that last night.

[2238] And it made me feel very confident.

[2239] Maybe it is a, actually, it probably is a little bit of part of the story.

[2240] Okay.

[2241] I go there and.

[2242] It's burberry.

[2243] I just wanted to say.

[2244] I have to.

[2245] If I were talking about the row.

[2246] It is.

[2247] It is.

[2248] It is a burberry sweatshirt.

[2249] Yeah.

[2250] And the hoodie part is the classic burberry pattern.

[2251] And I have this already this attachment to the burberry pattern because one time in an international airport, I had all these euros and I did.

[2252] I didn't want to bring them back because they just sit in my fucking dresser and I forget to bring them the next time.

[2253] So I was like, what am I going to do?

[2254] There was a burberry store.

[2255] I've never been in one.

[2256] I go in there.

[2257] I'm like, what can I buy with these remaining euros?

[2258] They had a belt.

[2259] Yeah.

[2260] I barely wanted to get this belt.

[2261] Yeah.

[2262] And it became my favorite belt for like five years.

[2263] I wore it so it didn't work anymore.

[2264] No, if you image Google search you.

[2265] The belt is in pictures.

[2266] It is?

[2267] Yes, because you know also I got, I tried to get it for you.

[2268] Yes.

[2269] just the wrong size.

[2270] Oh, fuck.

[2271] I would have returned it.

[2272] Oh, it's hanging in my, like, I would never get rid of it, but it also doesn't function as a belt.

[2273] Oh, my God.

[2274] Okay, well, we should, maybe I could still return it.

[2275] But I, I don't think it's exact, because I don't think they had that exact one anymore, but it's the same pattern.

[2276] But worse, it was, it's not the right size for me, because it does look great.

[2277] So I go there and I see Andrea Savage right away, old friend, love Andrea.

[2278] So I have fun talking to her.

[2279] And then there's Jack Block's there.

[2280] Brian Cranston's there.

[2281] And Jeremy Allen White is there.

[2282] Yeah, Jeremy Allen White.

[2283] And I go introduce myself to him and he's fucking so cute.

[2284] It's outrageous.

[2285] And I tell him, my friend Monica just saw you at Little Doms.

[2286] And he goes, oh my God, really?

[2287] She should have said hi.

[2288] I love the show.

[2289] So now I'm just like, I can't believe he loves the show.

[2290] Me either.

[2291] He loves you, and I'm like, oh, my God, this is so exciting.

[2292] What if she would have said hi?

[2293] Who knows what would have happened?

[2294] Well, he was in conversation.

[2295] I haven't told that story on here.

[2296] It was very exciting.

[2297] But you had spotted him at that restaurant.

[2298] I spotted him at Little Dom's.

[2299] I recognized him from the back.

[2300] Yes, yes, yes.

[2301] Which says a lot.

[2302] Yes.

[2303] I could see his arm.

[2304] Yeah, that's nice.

[2305] And I thought, I really think, and like his hair, but I think maybe he was wearing a hat.

[2306] He just exudes a vibe.

[2307] He does.

[2308] You can feel his vibe.

[2309] And I said to who I was with, I was like, I think that's Jeremy Allen White.

[2310] Yeah.

[2311] And they were like, oh, my God, he's so hot.

[2312] Yes, of course.

[2313] And I was like, I know, I can't really tell if it's him, but I really think it's him.

[2314] Yeah.

[2315] And I don't, I really, I don't know people believe me or not.

[2316] I don't really care if they do, but I really hardly care anymore.

[2317] Sure.

[2318] About celebrity encounters.

[2319] Yeah, but if they're like bona fide.

[2320] Sex machines.

[2321] So hot, yes, of course.

[2322] Yes.

[2323] And it was actually, I found it exciting and sort of, it tickled me that I was excited about this.

[2324] And I was trying to figure out if it was him.

[2325] And I did something I never do.

[2326] Oh, my God.

[2327] I actually, am I allowed to say this?

[2328] I hope this doesn't get anyone in trouble.

[2329] Okay, but you asked the server or something?

[2330] Yes.

[2331] I didn't, I started to, like, I felt I had to know.

[2332] Yes.

[2333] Yes.

[2334] We're friendly.

[2335] We go to Little Dom's a ton, and we're friendly with a lot of the servers.

[2336] So our server came up checking on us, and I said, I can't believe I'm about to do this, but is?

[2337] And then she said, it is him.

[2338] Uh -huh.

[2339] Because she was all fluttered too, probably.

[2340] I'm sure everyone was.

[2341] I can't imagine having that power.

[2342] You do.

[2343] I do not have that power.

[2344] No. Don't you feel sometimes, okay, let's talk about this.

[2345] Okay.

[2346] Because I'm starting to feel it too, on my end, where do we do this too much where we can't stop talking about how ugly we think we are?

[2347] Yes, it's so annoying to people.

[2348] It must be.

[2349] And I try to admit, I try to mix in the reality.

[2350] I'm so lucky.

[2351] I don't look how I want to look, but I'm so lucky.

[2352] I know, but then I don't like us then having to do.

[2353] Then this part also feels gross too.

[2354] All right, let's just, we'll stop doing that.

[2355] Let's commit to like, we're not going to say that we're not hot anymore.

[2356] Okay, but like it is still how I feel.

[2357] And so then so then it comes up.

[2358] Well, and I think it's preposterous that you're saying that I have an effect on people that Jeremy does because I just was around him.

[2359] But you do.

[2360] And so then this is the trap.

[2361] I've actually noticed it unsinked because it'll come up of my feelings about myself.

[2362] And Liz, she gets angry about it.

[2363] Yeah.

[2364] I understand.

[2365] That's why I'm acknowledging.

[2366] because I'm sure there are many dudes looking at me and going, fuck you.

[2367] But also, yeah, I mean, I know for sure it's happening at restaurants.

[2368] Jimmy told you Molly has a crush on you.

[2369] Well, she likes my personality.

[2370] We talk all the time to people who said you're their hall pass.

[2371] That's the thing.

[2372] You can't penetrate.

[2373] I've been trying to convince you you're attractive and it's not worked and it's been eight years.

[2374] And yes.

[2375] So you're right.

[2376] It's probably exhausting and let's try to put it to bad.

[2377] I agree.

[2378] That's a good policy.

[2379] But we probably will still do it.

[2380] Well, it might burble.

[2381] up sometimes.

[2382] Yeah, but yes, I think that's a good idea.

[2383] So we'll stop.

[2384] And I'm grateful.

[2385] I truly am grateful.

[2386] Like, as much as I would, I don't like how I look, I'm also more than I am that, I'm grateful.

[2387] Oh, yeah.

[2388] That's what I also try to say in some of those episodes.

[2389] Like, it's okay.

[2390] I don't feel like that's holding me back that I don't love the way I look.

[2391] Yeah, I don't feel like, who is the humpback or what was his name?

[2392] The hunchback.

[2393] The hunchback from Notre Dame.

[2394] Shrek.

[2395] Right.

[2396] I don't feel like Shrek.

[2397] I don't feel like an ogre or anything.

[2398] Yeah, yeah.

[2399] I'm fine.

[2400] Everything is great.

[2401] Except when you're picking one.

[2402] Okay, listen.

[2403] We're off topic.

[2404] But anyways, I mean him and it's really fun.

[2405] And I felt it a few different times before this, but when I really felt it, again, I don't know if this whole story is going to be gross and a waste of time, but I'm walking across.

[2406] Now, backstory, I've met Jack Black twice, I think, in my life.

[2407] And I don't think I've seen him for eight years, 10 years.

[2408] I'm an enormous fan of his.

[2409] Yeah.

[2410] I think he's so talented.

[2411] Me too.

[2412] I was, when I met him the previous couple times, I'm, like, intimidated, and I think I'm worried he thinks I'm a piece of shit, right?

[2413] Like, it's, I was active in my mind because I like him so much.

[2414] Yeah.

[2415] So I am walking across this green room, and it's very large.

[2416] And then I see him sitting on a couch, and I think, I'm going to go grab my shit, and I'm going to go sit down and talk to him.

[2417] And then I start belining over to my Diet Coke's and my spit cup.

[2418] And I hear Jack goes, are you going to have?

[2419] like you didn't see me. He yells that because he saw me look at him and then look away.

[2420] And I go, no, that's now, I'm literally going to get my shit because I saw you and I decided I wanted to sit next to you.

[2421] He's like, oh, okay, whatever.

[2422] And I'm like, no, sincerely, that's what was happening.

[2423] So I go sit on the couch with him and I talk to him for like a half hour.

[2424] It's totally fun.

[2425] I'm so relaxed.

[2426] I just feel so relaxed.

[2427] I have to go out on stage.

[2428] I feel so relaxed when I go out on stage.

[2429] I get to interview Kamal, then Jeremy, Alan White, and then Jack Black.

[2430] So fun.

[2431] And I drove away and I was like, wow, that's the first time I think ever that I felt I completely belong.

[2432] I have no less than feelings.

[2433] That's great.

[2434] I don't need to win anyone over.

[2435] I won't be very clear.

[2436] I didn't have more than feelings.

[2437] Yes.

[2438] It's not like I was going, I'm hot shit.

[2439] Yeah.

[2440] But I just, the racket was gone entirely for maybe the first time in my life.

[2441] And I just, I walked in there.

[2442] I was by myself, but that didn't make me feel insecure.

[2443] And I'm maddered over here.

[2444] And then I talked to Andrea and I'm like, oh, yeah, I have friends here.

[2445] And I belong here.

[2446] And maybe in the past I would have watched because I was offstage watching Brian Cranston.

[2447] And he's doing a monologue.

[2448] And he's just so fucking talented and gifted.

[2449] And there have been times in my life where I would have been watching that thinking like, God, you're such a shitty actor.

[2450] You would never be able to do that or he's so good and you're bad.

[2451] They would never ask me to do something like that.

[2452] And I, he's kind to me, but he knows I can't do what he can do.

[2453] Like, I would have that racket.

[2454] And I was just watching him and I was just thinking, I'm so delighted that I get to share a stage with someone like this.

[2455] And I deserve to say, I don't do what he does, but I do a thing at this point.

[2456] And I am comfortable doing it and people seem to like it just fine.

[2457] And it was just like the calmest I've ever felt.

[2458] and just no less than this, which was really new.

[2459] That's lovely.

[2460] I felt very grateful.

[2461] I'm like, oh, maybe this is like about getting older and stuff.

[2462] Like you kind of shut the fuck up about your, this racket in your head about everything.

[2463] Yeah.

[2464] So it was a really pleasing experience for many reasons.

[2465] The show was really fun.

[2466] I got to talk to a bunch of people I really like and it was fun.

[2467] And then I just never felt insecure or shitty.

[2468] Good.

[2469] Yeah, it was really nice.

[2470] I love that.

[2471] Yeah.

[2472] And like, Jeremy, I'm talking to Jeremy.

[2473] And it's like, I'm never going to be as cool as this guy.

[2474] But that's not what.

[2475] what I'm thinking about, like this Sean Penn vibe he's got, which is so awesome.

[2476] He's awesome.

[2477] He's so fucking awesome.

[2478] But I don't, I love that he's awesome.

[2479] Yeah.

[2480] And it doesn't nothing to do with me. Yeah, exactly.

[2481] Yeah.

[2482] Fucking, this flies on the attack now.

[2483] I told you.

[2484] There's a flying here not because of my flies.

[2485] It's not my flies.

[2486] We'll see.

[2487] I've already had my flies.

[2488] Checked.

[2489] For the month.

[2490] That was the story I wanted to tell you.

[2491] I love it.

[2492] That's not gross.

[2493] That's really nice.

[2494] I wonder if I'll get there.

[2495] I think I will.

[2496] You will?

[2497] Yeah.

[2498] Yeah, you will.

[2499] I mean, I already, I have it in some elements, but not in all elements.

[2500] Right, right.

[2501] But that's really cool.

[2502] But, like, I think a lot of us suffer from, I know Kristen does.

[2503] She's very open about it.

[2504] We suffer from wanting to be able to do everything.

[2505] And when we're in the face of things that we probably can't do, we feel deficient.

[2506] Yeah.

[2507] It's very common, too, with actors, because it's like, well, I don't know.

[2508] Are you a dramatic actor?

[2509] Are you a comedian?

[2510] How funny you have a comedian are you?

[2511] I'm a comedic actor.

[2512] I'm not a stand -up.

[2513] You know, all these little dumb categories.

[2514] And then you appreciate everyone else's talent.

[2515] And then you recognize you're not in all these categories.

[2516] And so I think it's pretty natural to be thinking about it.

[2517] But I think the thing I know you'll get to is just like, I do something.

[2518] Yeah.

[2519] The Jack Black thing is like, I think maybe the easiest one for me to pinpoint.

[2520] Because in the past, I would have thought, fuck, I'm not as funny as Jack Black.

[2521] And I'm not.

[2522] I am not as funny as Jack Black.

[2523] Objectively, I am not.

[2524] Yeah.

[2525] Yet Jack Black is not something that I am as well.

[2526] And I just finally feel like I'm just delighted with whatever thing I'm doing that people seem to like.

[2527] Actually, I'm just like grateful for it.

[2528] And it's totally the perfect amount of the thing I'm supposed to be.

[2529] For sure.

[2530] I mean, the thing that you are so good at is getting showcased in a row.

[2531] real way through this.

[2532] That's your true thing you have to offer the world.

[2533] And there's a platform for it.

[2534] And it's getting recognized and seen.

[2535] And that's beautiful.

[2536] Yeah.

[2537] Yeah.

[2538] I guess the show is a big part of this.

[2539] Because even the premise of me being on that stage as I am doing an interviewer.

[2540] Yeah.

[2541] Yeah.

[2542] Yeah.

[2543] And part of the thing that they had written, not me, but it's like, you know, the premise, I got to say the premise like, hi, you know, I don't know if you guys have heard armchair expert, but I do these long -form things in two hours.

[2544] We're going to change that tonight.

[2545] I'm going to do it for one minute and I'm not going to know anything bubble.

[2546] That's kind of the setup.

[2547] But there is some part of me that I know I have to say armchair expert on the stage.

[2548] I don't know what audience is here because it's not our audience.

[2549] It's not like we threw the live show.

[2550] And so some part of me is like, be prepared that maybe not one person claps or knows what you're talking about.

[2551] You got to be, you got to imagine that's also on the table.

[2552] And then when I say armchair expert.

[2553] There's a bunch of armcherrys there.

[2554] Oh, sweet.

[2555] And then I go like, oh, right.

[2556] Yes, that's the thing I do now.

[2557] And I love it.

[2558] That's nice to know what I do, I guess.

[2559] Yeah.

[2560] To know that you're in your element.

[2561] Yeah.

[2562] Well, speaking of someone in their element.

[2563] Yeah.

[2564] Craig Ferguson.

[2565] Oh, is he ever?

[2566] That guy's very comfy in his own skin, isn't he?

[2567] He is.

[2568] Okay.

[2569] So he talked about the diversity in Glasgow.

[2570] Glasgow.

[2571] Glasgow.

[2572] Glasgow.

[2573] It is diverse.

[2574] Largest percentage of ethnic minority groups of all the selected Scottish cities.

[2575] Oh, okay.

[2576] Largest single ethnic minority group is Pakistani.

[2577] And a higher percentage of population recorded their ethnic group as Pakistani in Glasgow, 4 % compared to other selected Scottish cities around 1%.

[2578] Now, how do you say, save the country?

[2579] Pakistan.

[2580] Right.

[2581] And you notice that President and Obama always said, Pakistan.

[2582] And then made me think, well, certainly he must know how to say it more than I trust how I say it.

[2583] But when I say Pakistan, it sounds insane.

[2584] It does.

[2585] It actually sounds racist.

[2586] It does.

[2587] It does.

[2588] Also, because it's not, it wouldn't be Pakistan.

[2589] But that is how he says it.

[2590] No, he says Pakistan.

[2591] Pakistan.

[2592] Which is actually how you say it.

[2593] Okay.

[2594] But here, I think it's a, you can say Pakistan.

[2595] Yeah.

[2596] To me, it sounds like when I've tried to say it like him, people think, oh, Jesus, he doesn't know how to say that.

[2597] I don't, I agree.

[2598] I think he doesn't care about that country.

[2599] He's racist.

[2600] Exactly.

[2601] Exactly.

[2602] So I think it's fine for you to say, um, Pakistan.

[2603] No, Pakistan.

[2604] You can say, Pakistan.

[2605] Oh, just don't overthink it.

[2606] Okay.

[2607] I don't know that I'll ever be able to just let it roll.

[2608] Yeah, you're good.

[2609] You're fucking good.

[2610] I feel fine saying it.

[2611] You're day safe.

[2612] Dacey.

[2613] Dacey.

[2614] You're Dacey, so you're covered.

[2615] Dacey.

[2616] Oh, good.

[2617] Or fucked.

[2618] Yeah, it's too late.

[2619] Glasgow.

[2620] Glasgow.

[2621] Or Glasgow.

[2622] Anyway, okay, he said you compare Toronto.

[2623] Yeah.

[2624] And then he said, yeah, but it's not as clean.

[2625] So then I wanted to look up the top, the cleanest cities.

[2626] Great idea.

[2627] In the world.

[2628] Oh, man. Here we go.

[2629] You want to guess?

[2630] Yeah, I think it'll take too long.

[2631] But I, yeah, there's a couple, Tokyo.

[2632] Hamburg's going to be on my list.

[2633] Toronto, I guess.

[2634] Okay.

[2635] I'll leave it there.

[2636] Okay.

[2637] Copenhagen.

[2638] Okay.

[2639] Yeah.

[2640] Beautiful city.

[2641] Singapore city.

[2642] Okay.

[2643] That makes sense.

[2644] I've been there.

[2645] My mom, she really wants to go to Singapore.

[2646] She's always, like, she's wanted to go for a long time.

[2647] She should join me when I go for the Formula One race.

[2648] When are you going on?

[2649] It's big on my list.

[2650] It's the only place I really to stay.

[2651] still dying to go.

[2652] Because I want to stay at the Bay, the Grand Bay Resort.

[2653] It overlooks the whole track.

[2654] It's this huge two different buildings, but on top, it's joined on top by like this huge cement cruise ship, basically.

[2655] There's like swimming pools and tons of restaurants and bars, and you can just like be in the pool looking over the side at the race.

[2656] What's it called, Rob, the Grand Bay?

[2657] The Marina Bay Sands.

[2658] Marina Bay.

[2659] That's it.

[2660] September, 2024.

[2661] Okay.

[2662] Is the race?

[2663] Yeah.

[2664] Book it.

[2665] I have to say something.

[2666] Oh.

[2667] This website.

[2668] With the cleanest cities?

[2669] This website of the cleanest cities is the Malaysian -Singaporean -Bruan community association.

[2670] Well, that feels a little biased.

[2671] No. I have another, I was looking at another list that Google had, and you were naming them.

[2672] Yeah, I'm still going to do these.

[2673] And also, I do know Singapore.

[2674] is extremely clean because my mother has been obsessed with Singapore for quite a while and really wants to go.

[2675] And every time she talks about it, she says, it's supposed to be so clean.

[2676] As if, like, that's priority number one is cleanliness.

[2677] Well, I know when my mom and I, my mom and I were there together in 97 and we had been told it was illegal to chew gum there, which it is, because they don't want gum on the street.

[2678] And we smuggled gum off.

[2679] Of course you did.

[2680] She and I, her outlaws.

[2681] And we kept looking at each other while we were chewing our guns.

[2682] I know.

[2683] That's who we are.

[2684] Sorry.

[2685] Wow.

[2686] Okay, ready?

[2687] Yeah.

[2688] Helsinki, Finland.

[2689] Sure.

[2690] Brisbane, Australia.

[2691] I'm surprised.

[2692] Brisbane.

[2693] Hamburg.

[2694] Ah, I got one.

[2695] Ding, ding, ding.

[2696] Germany.

[2697] Stockholm, Sweden.

[2698] Got one.

[2699] Sapporo, Japan.

[2700] Sure.

[2701] The home of the beer.

[2702] Cleanest city in Japan because it was the host of the Winter Olympics in 72.

[2703] And they kept it so clean for 50 years.

[2704] It's one of the world's cleanest cities and ranked first, first, two consecutive years to keep, by Keep America beautiful.

[2705] I would love to see the committee that's going around and evaluating how clean a city is.

[2706] Like, you imagine they're looking under benches of bus stops.

[2707] My mom should do that.

[2708] That would be a great hobby for her, yeah.

[2709] Okay, it says it has a recycling rate that exceeds 75 %, which makes support of Japan's most eco -friendly city.

[2710] Okay.

[2711] Calgary, Canada.

[2712] Okay.

[2713] Wellington, New Zealand.

[2714] Ah, windy, Wellington.

[2715] Ding, ding, ding.

[2716] Honolulu, Hawaii.

[2717] Nope, not true.

[2718] Been there, that's the bias of the Malaysian.

[2719] No, because this says Honolulu was named one of the top 20s, cleanest cities globally by Lonely Planet.

[2720] Isn't that the comedy group that Andy Sandberg is a part of?

[2721] Lonely Island.

[2722] I don't believe that one.

[2723] I'm sorry.

[2724] I know this is like sentient animals.

[2725] Yeah, but I reject that one.

[2726] I've been there.

[2727] All right.

[2728] You've said enough about the product.

[2729] Tallinn, Estonia.

[2730] Okay.

[2731] Oslo.

[2732] Norway.

[2733] Uh -oh.

[2734] And what?

[2735] London.

[2736] I think it's cleaner than Honolulu, but anyways.

[2737] Paris.

[2738] No, fucking this is the most useless list in the world.

[2739] Paris is a fucking trash heap.

[2740] I love Paris.

[2741] I would live there.

[2742] It's incredible, but it's a fucking dump.

[2743] What are they talking about?

[2744] They're counting a few, okay, they're counting some multiple things here because it says Paris has a population of about 12 million people and very few are homeless.

[2745] It also.

[2746] Oh, fuck me. Well, that kind of humans.

[2747] Well, no. To open your eyes in Paris.

[2748] The whole place is graffiti.

[2749] But homeless, but it does make sense.

[2750] An increased homeless population does, of course, make a city or less clean.

[2751] Sure, sure, sure.

[2752] Just saw it this morning.

[2753] Exactly.

[2754] We're walking by feces.

[2755] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2756] Also, Paris has one of the lowest crime rates in Europe with only four homicides reported last year.

[2757] That is crazy.

[2758] That's insane for a city of 12 million.

[2759] Yeah, wow.

[2760] That feels impossible.

[2761] Okay, Madrid.

[2762] I, here's what I think.

[2763] Oh, my God.

[2764] Okay, stop, stop.

[2765] Here's what's happening.

[2766] The person who compiled this list, it's of, it's the cities they've gone to, and it's just an order of claimants of the ones they've visited.

[2767] Yes, that's not true.

[2768] Yes, it is.

[2769] Rome and Paris in Honolulu, this is, this is utter bull.

[2770] shit.

[2771] Okay, I'm going to do world population review.

[2772] I'm going to read this quickly.

[2773] Okay.

[2774] All right.

[2775] Cleanest cities in the world 2023.

[2776] Wow, Dax.

[2777] Honolulu's number one.

[2778] But hold on, this is, are we going to trust world population review?

[2779] No, I don't know what the hell that is.

[2780] That's huge.

[2781] I've heard of it.

[2782] I've heard of it.

[2783] It is.

[2784] Yeah, it's real.

[2785] Oh, my God.

[2786] I've never heard of that.

[2787] It's really real.

[2788] I believe you guys.

[2789] Number one, London.

[2790] Number two, Paris.

[2791] Oh, my God.

[2792] No. Number three, New York City.

[2793] Oh, yeah, fucking useless.

[2794] Listen, you would have to, hold on, you'd have to name every city in Japan before you ever got.

[2795] Listen, number four, Madrid, number five, Auckland, New Zealand, six, Hamburg, Germany, seven, Barcelona, Spain, eight, Berlin, Germany.

[2796] Love Barcelona, been there, what a city.

[2797] Would love to live there, no way.

[2798] Nine, Vienna, Austria, it was very clean.

[2799] Yeah, that's spotless.

[2800] And then 10, Sapporo, Japan.

[2801] Okay, so there's some overlap.

[2802] Look.

[2803] Fucking London and Paris.

[2804] in New York City.

[2805] That's insane.

[2806] This clean city score is 74 .89.

[2807] Oh, my God.

[2808] It has real scores.

[2809] There's trash everywhere in New York.

[2810] Actually, when I was just there, I remarked audibly how clean it actually did seem and that how few unhoused people there were there.

[2811] I was really surprised.

[2812] Well, look, it is improved enormously.

[2813] I used to go there in the early 80s with my mom.

[2814] And Times Square was a fucking trash pile and needle.

[2815] I mean, it was a dump.

[2816] New York was a dump.

[2817] I know.

[2818] It had a huge turnaround.

[2819] And there are many parts of New York that are absolutely gorgeous.

[2820] And I wouldn't even call the Upper East Side.

[2821] It's not like fucking Hamburg.

[2822] Right.

[2823] It though, it was, it was really.

[2824] At the Carlisle.

[2825] Yes.

[2826] And the Carlisle.

[2827] They kept the Carlisleau pretty clean.

[2828] Really nice.

[2829] They kept it right and tight at the Carlisle.

[2830] Okay.

[2831] Did most philosophers not have children?

[2832] 20 most important philosophers of all time, as listed on the influential philosophy blog leader reports, 13 of them never had children.

[2833] Or 15, if you wish to include Descartes, who, though not married, had a daughter whom he saw little during her five -year -long life.

[2834] Jesus.

[2835] And Rousseau, who took Aristotle's decreed to the word and disowned all of his five children by sending them off soon after their birth to a child.

[2836] a foundling home.

[2837] Okay, so there's a article called The Philosopher as Bad Dad.

[2838] It's an opinion column.

[2839] Okay.

[2840] And the New York Times, if you want to read that.

[2841] Anyway, so 13 out of the top 20.

[2842] Above average.

[2843] Especially for the time they were living in.

[2844] Was Carson a drummer?

[2845] Yes.

[2846] Absolutely.

[2847] How many times did Kristen do Craig show?

[2848] 28 times.

[2849] Wow.

[2850] According to IMDB.

[2851] 28 times.

[2852] Yes.

[2853] That's more episodes than people do of many TV shows.

[2854] It's a lot.

[2855] She was a mainstay.

[2856] Yeah.

[2857] She was great every time.

[2858] The Treaty of Versailles.

[2859] Yeah.

[2860] You're confusing with the armistice.

[2861] I am.

[2862] The armistice is the train track railroad thing.

[2863] Okay.

[2864] The Treaty of Versailles was signed at the Palace of Versailles.

[2865] Oh, okay.

[2866] I'm sorry, Craig.

[2867] It's okay.

[2868] That's what this is for.

[2869] Yeah.

[2870] And then I got confused because he was talking about Undertakers.

[2871] And here it's confusing because there's funeral directors and there's morticians.

[2872] They're not necessarily the same thing.

[2873] But if you look up Undertaker, it kind of categorizes them all as one.

[2874] Okay.

[2875] A mortician is embalming the body.

[2876] In 2021, the Morticians, Undertakers, and Funeral Directors' workforce was 39 ,579 people.

[2877] That's a lot.

[2878] 28 .7 % women and 71 .3 % men.

[2879] Average funeral director is 48 years old.

[2880] My age.

[2881] Who am in the wrong business?

[2882] You could get into it.

[2883] Maybe that's your new niche.

[2884] Maybe you'll feel really comfortable.

[2885] I bet I would.

[2886] Because you're by yourself.

[2887] You're never going to feel less than around a corpse.

[2888] It's hard to.

[2889] Yeah, you're going to feel like you're more.

[2890] Actually, that's not true because if it was like...

[2891] You had a huge penis or something?

[2892] No, God.

[2893] If they had a, if they had like a big legacy and they had died with this big legacy, you might feel like, oh, what have I done?

[2894] I would never trade life for a big legacy.

[2895] If they're old, right.

[2896] You might just be like, God, what have I done?

[2897] Well, that's true.

[2898] Or even worse, if I was an embalming, like a 38 -year -old billionaire.

[2899] Well, but is it inherited?

[2900] If it's inherited wealth in New York City, they like that.

[2901] That's just fine.

[2902] Still very admirable.

[2903] Respectable.

[2904] Well, that's all So fun Big old day We made it Love you Wait, it's Monday Tomorrow is Halloween Happy Halloween Happy Halloween to all I hope you have a very spooky night Me too Bye Boo