Stop Sibling Fights & Lying, and Build A Confident Kid

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[24] Hey, everybody, this is Kirk Martin, found our celebrate calm.

[25] I'm glad you're here because I'm such.

[26] I've wanted to do this podcast for a long time.

[27] You know why?

[28] Because nothing screams holidays and Christmas time like kids fighting.

[29] So here's what I want to get into.

[30] You know, sibling fights tend to come from one of two places.

[31] The first place tends to be, comes from this.

[32] If you have a strong will child who tends to be in trouble a lot, and then you also have a child who's more of the supposed good kid, the strong will child is going to feel resentful toward the good child that everybody loves, right?

[33] And he's going to pick on that child because he doesn't feel good about himself.

[34] That's his oldest time.

[35] That's Kane and Abel.

[36] That's what happens.

[37] And everybody's always like, oh, I have a sibling fight issue.

[38] Not really.

[39] You know what you have is a confidence issue.

[40] Because look, I want you to go deeper with this stuff.

[41] Everybody's always like, oh, what consequence do we give to change this behavior?

[42] Consequences don't really work for most of your kids.

[43] And in this case, in that case, it's not a sibling issue.

[44] it's a confidence issue look your kids who lie all the time that's about confidence when a child feels good about himself is confidence is confident has a purpose and vision for his life he doesn't feel the need to pick on his siblings to lie to steal to do all these other things so if you get to the root of it a lot of these negative behaviors will just go away because you tackled the root of it And we can show you how to do that.

[45] I'll try to do that on another podcast.

[46] Look, that's all about what we do.

[47] And I encourage you, here's my brief little sponsorship thing.

[48] We're sponsored today by Celebrate Calm.

[49] That's me, because we have a Christmas special going on.

[50] If you go to our website, Celebrate Calm .com.

[51] There's a Christmas tab there, Christmas special.

[52] We have never, ever, ever sold our CDs, our entire library of programs.

[53] We've never done it for this price ever.

[54] You can go back for 15 years and look, and you'll never see us do the complete package for this price.

[55] Why?

[56] Because as a family, we decided, let's do this.

[57] Let's draw a line.

[58] People are hurting, suffering.

[59] You're struggling.

[60] And I don't give stuff away for free.

[61] But, man, this is a special.

[62] I guarantee there are a ton of people listening.

[63] They're like, we paid a lot more for our CDs and your downloads and you're selling them for.

[64] and it was worth it for whatever you paid for it.

[65] I know it is.

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[68] It is 10, 11, 12 programs.

[69] I don't even know anymore.

[70] We have a lot of stuff out there on motivating kids, disciplining kids, getting kids to listen, understanding your strong will kids, ADHD, it's everything we've ever put together.

[71] Stop Defiance, Disrespective Meltdowns.

[72] There's CDs for moms.

[73] There's one for dads.

[74] The most popular one is my son Casey recorded.

[75] straight talk for kids.

[76] It's my son.

[77] It's a kid talking to other kids about how to control their own emotions and impulses.

[78] There's one on sibling fights.

[79] You get it as downloads.

[80] So you can download this to multiple devices, your computer, your iPhone, your iPad.

[81] You can share it with your parents, with your spouse.

[82] I want your kids listening.

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[84] It will change your family.

[85] And these issues will go away when you do this.

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[91] It may not be until Christmas time of 2020, but this is fantastic.

[92] So anyway, you get the deal.

[93] Go to Christmas sale.

[94] So here's where the other sibling fight thing comes from.

[95] We're going to talk about sibling fights, but we're also going to get into controlling yourself.

[96] Because the quickest way to change your child's behavior is not to control them is to control your own behavior.

[97] So set this scene.

[98] This is how I'm going to set it up.

[99] Let's say you've got a boy and a girl, because it makes easier in the story.

[100] And they're in the living room, and they start squabbling.

[101] And what happens is your child, let's say your boy child, I'm just going to pick on him, say he gets bored, so he starts picking on his sister.

[102] And all he has to do to get a reaction from a sister is look at her or almost poke her.

[103] So what happens?

[104] Mom comes into the room because she hears all the bickering, and she's frustrated, rightfully.

[105] so you know what after all I do for you I buy you guys toys I buy you guys all these video games you can't even play well together for 20 minutes you know one day you're going to love each other and be best friends and all these mommy lectures that don't work and you know what just happened mom just came in and added her own drama to the drama that the kids have going on because moms you get sucked into this thing of being the referee in the home you have to referee between the siblings.

[106] And then when your spouse comes home, you often have to referee between your husband and the kids.

[107] And I want to relieve you of that so you don't do that anymore.

[108] That's partly on a straight talk for stressed out mom.

[109] See you show you how to do that.

[110] So you take control of your inner life.

[111] So you stop being the referee and you teach your kids how to control themselves.

[112] Because if you don't, you're going to be exhausted and worn down, have adrenal fatigue, right?

[113] And so mom starts adding her drama to the drama.

[114] Now, what else happens?

[115] Soon his mom gets upset, dad gets upset because you know what men can't handle their wives upset because we barely know what to do with you when everything's okay but when you're upset we get freaked out so dad comes in and starts yelling at child Jacob leave your sister alone go to your room so watch what just happened one child by looking at his sister by saying one word by almost poking her got his sister upset his mom upset and his dad upset three People.

[116] He's controlling the whole family by just doing one little thing.

[117] And here's the horrible part and kind of the tough part of this that happened.

[118] The son who just did that, the reason he's irritating his sister is because he needs his brain stimulated.

[119] Many of your kids don't get enough dopamine or blood flow to the brain.

[120] Their brains are physiologically understimulated.

[121] That's why they pick fights with you.

[122] It's why they argue.

[123] It's why they tap.

[124] pencils, mounts their legs.

[125] That's why they fidget.

[126] It's why they procrastinate.

[127] It's why they do a lot of things in life because they're looking for brain stimulation.

[128] So what he's learned in life is if I get bored, I'll just pick on my sister because she will react.

[129] And that gives me control of another human being, which is very stimulating.

[130] And you know what inadvertently, which we just taught that child by coming in and reacting to him?

[131] We just gave him our intensity.

[132] And I want you to know that your kids don't want your attention.

[133] They want your intensity.

[134] The human brain is drawn to intensity.

[135] And wherever it gets intensity, the quickest and easiest, it will seek it.

[136] So when mom and dad come in the room, Jacob, leave your sister alone, go to your room.

[137] You know what we just taught that child?

[138] If you want intensity and brain stimulation, just do something wrong.

[139] And that is an insidious thing that begins to change the physical structure of your child's brain so that his brain begins to seek stimulation and intensity by doing negative things.

[140] Because the only time we give our kids intensity is when, when they do something wrong.

[141] No dad ever walks in a room says, Jacob, look at me, look at me. You know what?

[142] She's made a good choice.

[143] I'm proud of you.

[144] Right?

[145] Nobody ever does that we should do that give the intensity to the times when your kids are making positive choices so what just happened in this situation we reacted to our child's behavior which is never good we reinforced to our son if you want brain intensity and you want to stimulate your brain do something negative because three people in the home will get all wound up and we just gave him control of our home that is not his issue that is your issue for reacting to it you're the grown adult stop taking everything personally and start acting like the grown -up i know that's a little bit tough but if you want to change you've got to own your own stuff right you know what we also did by coming into the room like that we just reinforced to our daughter that she doesn't have any other choices in life right because what we're basically saying is honey you know what your childhood's going to be miserable because your brother's really difficult and irritating until he goes off to college or jail, you're going to be miserable.

[146] Sorry.

[147] And we just reinforced that she's kind of a victim of that.

[148] So, let's rewind the situation.

[149] Quickest way to change child's behavior, first control your own.

[150] You're going to laugh at this.

[151] You're not going to want to do it.

[152] You're going to think that it's stupid.

[153] And I don't care.

[154] You know why?

[155] Because it works.

[156] I want you to walk into that living room next time and sit on the floor, lie down on the floor.

[157] Mom start reading a book because you haven't sat down since you had kids.

[158] And I know it will feel dumb and stupid, but I guarantee you when you go in and sit in the middle of the living room floor, those two kids will stop all of their drama and they're going to look over at you like, what's my mother doing, laying down in the middle of the living room floor?

[159] And they will stop and you will have their full undivided attention and now you can teach.

[160] Discipline literally means to teach.

[161] Most of us as parents do very little teaching.

[162] and very little discipline.

[163] What we do a lot of is talking and lecturing and yelling and screaming.

[164] Go to your room.

[165] Stop that.

[166] How many times do I have to tell you?

[167] That's not discipline.

[168] That's frustration and that's you out of control and you're not doing anything positive.

[169] Discipline means to teach.

[170] It doesn't mean to punish or yell or take things away.

[171] So now that I'm sitting down and my kids look at me like what are you doing i can teach i can teach from a place of of calm leadership from a place of authority we've messed this up and and look i hate to say this but in a lot of religious homes especially this whole thing well i'm the authority figure i get the boss people around so what an authority figure does where did we get that idea i used to have that idea too right my job is to be chief disciplinarian in the home and walk around and yell at people emboss them around because I'm the authority figure.

[172] That's nothing to do with being an authority figure.

[173] A good authority figure leads.

[174] And he leads from a place of calm, authoritative confidence.

[175] See, when you're just spouting stuff off, you're not in control of anything.

[176] Your kids are in control of you because if they just push your buttons or don't listen to you, you're going to lose it and they're going to be in complete control of you.

[177] This is really good stuff.

[178] I love this stuff.

[179] because it reorients.

[180] Look, I've been doing this for a long time.

[181] I still get excited about this because it's that kind of inside loan.

[182] I could stop the podcast right there.

[183] And if you just meditate on that and start thinking about that, what is my role as the parent?

[184] Is it to come in and just yell at kids and I'm the chief source of discipline?

[185] And when I change my mindset to know, my job is to be the chief source of wisdom in this home.

[186] Because if I'm a source of wisdom, I can teach my kids.

[187] so that instead of yelling at them, I can teach them how to control their own behavior.

[188] You take that mindset into every situation in your home.

[189] Their behavior will change very quickly, and it didn't have anything to do with you changing their behavior, but changing your own mindset, changing your tone of voice, changing your body posture, and changing who you are.

[190] And that's why I want you to listen to the programs, Because you've got to get it deep inside of you, because once you start changing, you will see changes in your home very, very quickly.

[191] And the good thing is those changes last.

[192] Here's why.

[193] Because you're not just applying certain strategies to a child.

[194] You're changing who you are.

[195] You're changing the very relationships in your home.

[196] And it is relationships that change behavior.

[197] that's the Christmas message the Christmas message is that a relationship changed and with that human beings changed that's a very powerful concept that's why I want you doing the programs go to the Christmas sale it's really cool by the way if you already have some of our CDs or all of them email my son Casey at celebrate calm .com .com and say, listen, I've got these certain ones.

[198] I've got these.

[199] What else do you have for me?

[200] And he'll give you a special on some of the other programs or on completing your set.

[201] And we'll make it very special for you.

[202] This Christmas season, we want things changing.

[203] So, how do we teach?

[204] Now I look at my two kids, and from a place of confidence and a place of wisdom, I say, guys, look, I've seen this scene unfold in our home like 37 times this month.

[205] because doesn't this happen all the time, repeatedly, repeatedly day after day, and it never changes because we never get to the root of it?

[206] And now I'm just setting the scene.

[207] Guys, I've seen this scene unfold.

[208] Look, I know it's about to happen.

[209] So, son, let's call him Jacob.

[210] Jacob, I know what's happening with you.

[211] You've got this awesome brain, man. It's really busy.

[212] All these ideas floating through it all the time.

[213] It runs really quickly.

[214] And it's really, really busy, but it's really active.

[215] And I love that because you've got a lot of great brain energy, my friend.

[216] But what I know about you is.

[217] is you need your brain stimulated because you get bored kind of easily and that's not a bad thing that's a good thing but here's what usually happens when you get bored you pick on your sister two downsides to that one is you're dependent now on your sister because you need her to react and that makes you weak i don't want you to be weak in life second downside is this when you pick on your sister you end up getting in trouble and losing all your stuff and i know you don't like that so here are two other things i know about you i know that you love money how many of your kids money.

[218] I'm not talking about in a bad way.

[219] It's just they like money and they're drawn to it and they're born entrepreneurs.

[220] So notice that, affirm that.

[221] So son, I know that you love money and I know that you have a big heart.

[222] Never toward me, but toward other people, you're awesome.

[223] Again, you can think these things, these sarcastic comments.

[224] Don't say them, but think them.

[225] But it is true.

[226] Your kids have really big hearts, usually toward other people.

[227] So Jacob, look, two things I know.

[228] You love money and you like helping other people.

[229] So, I've got an idea.

[230] I'm going to go get started on dinner right now because I like movement.

[231] I like to lead kids.

[232] I don't like to always stay in the same place I am because I like to give them space to think about things.

[233] You can spend the rest of your childhood picking on your sister.

[234] But all that's going to happen is you're going to lose all your stuff and you're going to get bored with doing that.

[235] But if you want to come help me in the kitchen, I bet we could brainstorm three different ways to earn some money.

[236] Because look, you're really good at shoveling mulch.

[237] you're good at doing physical things, you're good at creating stuff, you're good at selling stuff.

[238] You don't take no for an answer.

[239] That's the best quality of a salesperson.

[240] I bet we could come up with three different ways for you to earn some money in this neighborhood because you're great with animals.

[241] You don't walk our dog, but I bet for other people you'd walk their dogs, right?

[242] And you pick up the dog poop and you make money.

[243] And with that money, you could give some of that money to like St. Jude's to help kids with cancer.

[244] And if you do that, I'll match every dollar that you do that or I'll match you 50 cents on a dollar.

[245] You want to do that?

[246] Look what I've just done.

[247] I've just taught this kid There's nothing wrong with your brain It's great brain But when you use it in a negative way And you get bored And you get brain stimulation in a negative way You just lose all your stuff But I also know these great things about you And if we use it in a positive way You earn some money And you get to give that away And help other people How cool would that be And I'm giving him other choices and options Rather than go to your room Stop picking on your sister Or just as Invalial I was going to say useless, so I'll just say, useless is, honey, you know, it's really important that we get along as a family and that you learn to have empathy for your sister.

[248] Look, I'm just, I'm not being mean with this, but those lectures don't mean anything to your kids, right?

[249] It doesn't do anything.

[250] This will start to change his behavior because I'm showing him a different way.

[251] Now I have an opportunity with my daughter to say, honey, I get it.

[252] Your brother's irritating.

[253] But guess what?

[254] If all you're ever going to do in life is react to irritating people or situations you're going to be miserable in life.

[255] And I can't help you with that because guess what?

[256] Everybody and everything in life is miserable.

[257] It is irritating.

[258] Your teachers are going to be irritating.

[259] Your boss is going to be irritating.

[260] One day you're going to get married.

[261] You're going to find that your spouse has irritating qualities.

[262] And then you're going to have kids.

[263] You're going to find they're irritating at times.

[264] And traffic's irritating.

[265] And politicians are irritating.

[266] Weather can be irritating.

[267] But if all you're going to do is react to those things, you're going to give all your power away to those things, and you're just going to kind of be a victim to that.

[268] And I'm not raising you to do that because I believe that you're capable, right, of controlling yourself.

[269] And so if you want, I can show you three different ways to respond to your brother instead of react to them.

[270] Because every time you react to your brother, you give your brother complete power over you.

[271] You become your brother's puppet, and I know you are nobody's puppet.

[272] You are strong and you are confident.

[273] And that's who I want you to be.

[274] And look, does that make sense?

[275] By changing myself in how I see this situation, by changing my body posture and my tone of voice, I now become someone to my kids who's not the lecturer, who's not the person who comes in and just gets on me all the time about stop this and stop that.

[276] Why can't you ever do this?

[277] I'm now giving my kids wisdom and showing them how to control themselves so that they can change this long term.

[278] that's really cool and that's what I want if we can help you with that reach out to my son Casey C -A -S -C -A -S -E -Y at celebratecomcom calls 8888 -58 -506 1871 if you need help with your family we can help you and we want to help you that's what we live for so change this now change yourself that I you know I hadn't planned on saying it just kind of came to me that's the Christmas message is we get to change and become new people, right, and have a new family, new relationships.

[279] When you begin to have a new relationship with your kids and instead of resenting that strong will child, you begin to understand him and know how to motivate him and what's going on inside of his brain, that will change behavior more quickly than anything else.

[280] So go to celebratecom .com, go to that Christmas special tab, and you'll see that.

[281] It is phenomenal.

[282] I guarantee you've paid way more than that for all kinds of therapy that didn't work, for testing that didn't work, for all kinds of other stuff.

[283] By the way, you paid more than that for a simple lampshade, right, and stuff around the house.

[284] Get something that changes your family forever.

[285] If you need help for it, email our son.

[286] Anyway, Merry Christmas.

[287] Happy holidays.

[288] Happy Hanukkah.

[289] Hope I covered everybody there.

[290] But if we can help you, let us know.

[291] Love you all.

[292] Thank you.

[293] Thank you.