#704 - Alonzo Bodden

[0] Boom.

[1] Boom.

[2] Boom.

[3] Boom.

[4] We're live.

[5] We're live with Alonzo Bowden.

[6] He just got back spraying chem trails for the past six hours all across Southern California.

[7] He's controlling minds and the weather.

[8] There's a reason why it's cloudy out, folks.

[9] It's Alonzo Bowden, hilarious stand -up comedian slash weather modification expert.

[10] What's up, Joe?

[11] Nothing.

[12] What's going to rain tonight?

[13] I'm just saying, I'm just saying that, you know, you might want to put the top up on a convertible.

[14] Why are you working for the man?

[15] Hey, it pays well But you make great money You're a comic, you do well You're very successful I know Joe But you know ever since Obama took over I mean he gave me a call He said look at Lanzza We need a brother on the weather I said I got you I got you So this is part of that whole thing So it's part of like Black Lives Matter Yeah I just wanted to let you in Okay I understand That makes sense Look you gotta do what you gotta do In this crazy world And if a little weather modification is on the menu Yeah well You know Then I'm kicking I'm getting some of the ski resort money from Mammoth.

[16] You know, that's like a side hustle.

[17] They say this winter is going to be fucking crazy, the weather modification experts.

[18] I'm just here to let you know.

[19] El Nino.

[20] Do you believe in El Nino?

[21] Is that real?

[22] Yeah, I think that is.

[23] But weather, you know, it's so funny about the weather, like, they really don't know.

[24] At best, it's an educated guess.

[25] Right.

[26] So when they say something like, there's a change in an ocean current, like that's what El Nino is, right?

[27] Like there's warm water flowing through the ocean where it's normally cold and that's going to bring more water and vapor.

[28] I get that on the large scale, but they can never say, okay, it's going to rain Tuesday between noon and four o 'clock.

[29] Like there are times when they're so wrong, it's comical.

[30] Like in any other job, you'd be fired for being that far off.

[31] And they're like, oh, it missed.

[32] But compared to like how they used to be.

[33] it's fucking amazing.

[34] They used to just look up at the sky and when their clouds were running, they go, oh, we better get inside.

[35] That was it.

[36] Yeah, they knew a tornado was coming because you could see the tornado coming.

[37] Like that was, you know.

[38] But then you have the other things like in Phoenix.

[39] They have weather people, right?

[40] Like, what is your job from April through November in Phoenix?

[41] Yeah, it's going to be hot.

[42] It's sunny, hot.

[43] be back tomorrow there's nothing else in what in July they have oh yeah it's going to be monsoon it's going to rain between three and four and then it's going to be hot again yeah there's no weather and in L .A. the same thing I mean over the summer occasionally you get like a little bit of rain in L .A. But what did it rain like maybe four times this year?

[44] Yeah yeah I I did a thing with what's his name the comic slash weatherman Fritz Rogan Fred Rogan?

[45] Fred No Fritz Coleman I get him confused with that other guy, too.

[46] Fred Rogan, yeah.

[47] That's the sports guy.

[48] They're partners, right.

[49] Right.

[50] Yeah, I did a thing with Fritz Coleman.

[51] And one of his funniest jokes, he said, you think it's easy doing weather in L .A.?

[52] He said, think of 300 different ways to say, partly cloudy in the morning, sunny in the afternoon.

[53] Well, it gives you a lot of time to write jokes.

[54] Yeah, absolutely.

[55] Probably a good gig for a comic.

[56] Yeah.

[57] You know, plus you get on TV.

[58] If they let you plug your gigs.

[59] Yeah, I'd be at the ice house on Tuesday.

[60] Come on down.

[61] I think he does well because people see the name and like when they walk into the club they're like that's the weather man you know what I mean like it's an instant recognition kind of gig yeah but he's got to like keep it super clean right oh yeah he's he's nice if you fuck up if you're a weather guy or a news guy and if you just just stray slightly outside the lines people are looking to take you down but they still do it that's what's funny yeah you always hear about the the little small town weather guy that was in some weird thing, like I got caught with a prostitute at a massage.

[62] You know what I mean?

[63] That's just life, though.

[64] Yeah, I know.

[65] But when you know you're that guy, then you know you, like, gave that up.

[66] You know what I mean?

[67] Like, you're not allowed to do that anymore.

[68] You can't get crazy.

[69] You know, you're like, well, I'm going to be on TV every day, so I can't, you know, I got to give up the hookers and blow.

[70] Yeah, you're not a band.

[71] Right.

[72] Or even a comic.

[73] A comic, yeah.

[74] We can get busted.

[75] And just, you know, you have a new bit.

[76] Like, look at the Cat Williams.

[77] I can't think of, I don't know what a comic could do.

[78] I guess violence would be the only thing unforgivable for a comic.

[79] But when it comes to, like, sex scandals or, you know, cheating on your wife or drunk at the airport or whatever, like for comics, they're like, yeah, well.

[80] It just makes you better.

[81] He doesn't have more material.

[82] Like, look at Cat Williams.

[83] Look at Cat Williams' last special.

[84] Half the special was all this shit that he got arrested for over the last two years.

[85] Yeah, yeah.

[86] And that's a trip.

[87] Like, I worked on this cruise line, and they said, yeah, Kat came, but he had a gun.

[88] And you're just like, well, you brought a gun to a cruise ship.

[89] Like, what did you expect to happen on a cruise ship?

[90] You know what I mean?

[91] Maybe somebody could throw them off.

[92] That's what would freak me out about.

[93] crew ship somebody throwing you off because that has happened like some guy threw his wife off and he's like oh I don't know what happened she was out she went out to get a drink and then uh huh well and they were like what it was like the reaction the guy had to his wife falling overboard the crocodile tears and they were like okay dude have a seat we're going to ask you some questions how uh how you and debby how how you guys get along you know guys fight a lot I do these charter cruises, jazz cruises, and after the cruise, the guy who runs, it'll tell some of the funny stories of what happened while we were at sea.

[94] And on one cruise, newlyweds, getting to a fight the first night, she threw all of his clothes overboard.

[95] Everything of his thrown overboard.

[96] They had to bring him to the ship's store, and he had to wear, you know, they sell like the little shorts and the polo shirts from the cruise line.

[97] And he had to wear that all week.

[98] Well, I hope he stayed with her.

[99] I hope they worked it out.

[100] Yeah, I don't know how it worked out in the long run.

[101] They finished the cruise.

[102] A little throwing clothes overboard.

[103] I hope it didn't wreck a beautiful future relationship, beautiful matrimony, beautiful nuptials in the Lord's eyes.

[104] You had to know that was in her, though, right?

[105] You never know, man. I've met people that got married and then immediately afterwards their chick came a nightmare.

[106] Yeah.

[107] I've heard that more than once.

[108] I've heard, I don't know, I've heard some things, but not, but like to that extent, I would think there'd be flashes of psycho prior to that level.

[109] I don't know.

[110] My buddy said when his girl got pregnant, like, she was a little irritable because, you know, she was pregnant, but he said, but then after the baby came, like the whole, once she realized that he was never going to leave because he loves the baby and he loves, you know, having a family, She started ordering him around, yelling at him, barking orders out.

[111] I'm telling him what he's can and can't do now.

[112] And he was like, what the fuck happened to you?

[113] Like, we're the same people.

[114] We just have a baby now.

[115] But in your mind, no. The relationships change.

[116] We're going to have to reorganize and restructure this deal.

[117] We're going to have to sit down.

[118] And this is how it's going to go now.

[119] I'm going to shit in your mouth.

[120] It's time to renegotiate.

[121] And you have no negotiating power in this negotiation.

[122] Yeah.

[123] She kept threatened to take the kid away.

[124] That was our big thing.

[125] take the kid away I'm gonna move him with my parents like all kinds of crazy shit man and just immediately and he he went from being like the happiest guy I'm psyched she's perfect we get along so well we're gonna have a baby together that's gonna be amazing to fuck dude I don't know what to do fuck like he was just constantly stressed out his eyes were darting around the room yeah that I mean that's that sounds like the old days when you had to stay married right when was that that was our parents generation they stayed married they hated each other.

[126] I'm not saying specifically but you know what I mean?

[127] Like that divorce they just didn't do it.

[128] They just stayed married.

[129] They were like yeah, we've been married for 50 years don't particularly like each other but we got to stay married because we made a vow, you know?

[130] I mean that's how it was.

[131] It was a generational pressure.

[132] And now they say the opposite is true like you have one bad day.

[133] Yeah, it's enough of this shit.

[134] Well it's a religious thing too, right?

[135] You know, a lot of people don't want to get like Catholics, especially.

[136] did not want to get divorced.

[137] That was a big thing.

[138] Yeah, yeah, it was like an unforgivable sin.

[139] Yeah, yeah, when I was young, it was a big deal, man. When someone talked about getting divorced, I remember when I was a little kid, like a lot of it was like they would start bringing up the church.

[140] Yeah.

[141] You know, but the church doesn't want you getting divorced, you know, in the eyes of the Lord, you're married, you should work this out.

[142] You know, part of the problem is who you are when you meet, say if you meet, you're 25, you know, you fall in love, you get married and you're 30.

[143] who you are at 30 is not who you are at 40 you are a different fucking human being but you have a much better chance than really young like I have a niece she's 26 and she's engaged and I'm still waiting to see how this plays out because he's 23 and I'm just like too young like you know because just think who you are at 23 to who you are at 30 completely different totally you know so it's like if you grow up to together, that's cool, and you know, you go through those bumps together, but it's too easy to be like a whole different person.

[144] I mean, when I moved out here, when I came to L .A., I worked in aircraft.

[145] So I went to aviation high school in New York.

[146] Lockheed Aircraft discovered this high school that trains airplane mechanics.

[147] So they literally hired hundreds of us, like, moved to L .A., you got a job.

[148] I knew more guys 18 and 19 who married their girlfriend because they didn't want to like they were leaving home you know what I mean like I'm starting life we're going to get married consequently I knew more guys who were divorced at 21 I would have married my girlfriend in high school when I was 18 I would have definitely married her really 100 % how long you think it would last a week a couple months at the most she she was a very nice girl but she moved across town not across town across the state like an hour and a half away and I was so sad.

[149] You know, I couldn't believe it.

[150] God damn, she's all the way over there.

[151] If she wanted to get married and we'd be together, I would have done it.

[152] I will say, without exaggeration, without exaggeration of a hundred guys I knew married before they were 20, I only know two still married.

[153] God.

[154] I only know two that actually.

[155] You know 100 guys that got married by the time of 20?

[156] They were, yeah, guys were coming out, and it was like they're first, like, I got a job, I got an apartment, let me send for my girlfriend from New York.

[157] let's get married and they were just doing it there were two things that we did on a regular basis go to weddings and bail guys out of jail because everybody was getting DUIs you know so it was like we were like all right let's just keep a DUI fund for whoever gets picked up this week you guys had a fund we we practically did we had a network where we call like yeah so -and -so's in jail all right I got 50 bucks all right I got 100 bucks whatever and we get get them out yeah how much does it cost to get you out of jail for a DUI back then let's see that was early 80s, probably about four or five hundred bucks.

[158] That's it?

[159] It wasn't, yeah, back then it wasn't yet the big crime it is now.

[160] Like back in around, this is 80, 81, 82, getting the DUI was like a really bad ticket, but they didn't, you know, you went to jail for one night, but it wasn't like it is now where you, you know, now it's, but as a matter of fact, I taught comedy traffic school in what, the late 90s, and they said a DUI then cost you $10 ,000.

[161] by the time you paid for the fine and drunk driving school and a lawyer and all of that it's got to be a lot more than that now yeah it's probably 10 to 15 but it's a big crime now right yeah yeah when I was in high school a kid I went to school with nice kid um got in a drunk driving accident killed his friend never forget that that's I think that's the worst part if you if you have that because you got to live with that yeah you know what I mean and I can't imagine it's bad enough if you have an accident but if you're drunk and you have an accident or you kill your friend in the car or some shit like that having to live with that's got to be the worst yeah and he was like I don't think we're any older than 17 or 18 at the time I think he just learned how to drive really and I heard about it I heard the whole story and I knew that he had tried to commit suicide at the hospital he tried to jump out of the window the cops told him they came up to him while he's in the hospital bed and said you know you're a murderer now and he's like what he's like your friend's dead you're a murderer now yeah and he's like what what and he just freaked out and he just ran towards the window and they grabbed him and um I was walking down the street in my neighborhood and he was walking you know towards me and I saw him and he saw me and we looked at each other and I said how you doing man he said hi I'll never forget the sadness the sadness that just was oozing out of his body yeah they had this they had this commercial and it was like the last text of people who died texting did you ever see that one no but there was a guy i think he was publicist to uh paris hilton or something like that like one of those like i think it was paris hilton's publicist drove off the fucking mountain in malibu you know there was crazy winding roads and he was uh it made a text about his dog like l -o -l she's so cute and like the dog was in the car with them and then fucking off that I forget the specifics of the case but they found the dude at the bottom of the canyon and then they deduced like oh this dumb fuck was was texting one single passenger I mean a dog by himself not an accident didn't collide with anything just went off the side of the yeah well it's I don't know they'll never have me you'll never have me on the podcast again people like this is the saddest shit I've ever heard.

[162] We've heard a lot sad.

[163] We're 10 minutes in and everyone's dying.

[164] Well, you don't think, when you're driving and you're drunk especially, you don't think it's going to happen to you.

[165] That's the real problem with people.

[166] Everyone thinks that someone else I can drive.

[167] I'm okay.

[168] Well, that's what alcohol does to you, though.

[169] Alcohol has you convinced that everything's going to be fine.

[170] Yeah, you hold all of your perceptions off so you think it, yeah, I'm all right.

[171] Which is like the exact opposite of pot.

[172] When you smoke pot, you're like, I can't fucking drive.

[173] Dude, there's no way.

[174] can drive like drive when you're high everything works like you can hit the brakes you can make turns but you're convinced that there's no fucking way you're going to be able to make this exit like the exits over there i got to get over there fuck i remember one of the first times i ever drove when i was high i just couldn't believe i was driving i was like this is so bad this is so bad meanwhile i was going 55 miles an hour staying in the lane was very aware of everything looking left looking right looking in the rear view mirror but if i was drunk i'd been like I got this.

[175] I got it.

[176] Yeah, when I used to get loaded, I could drive high.

[177] I never liked being drunk because I always felt out of control.

[178] You know, just not like crazy out of control, but sloppy out of control.

[179] You are.

[180] It's a terrible drug.

[181] Yeah.

[182] Especially the next morning when you wake up sober in jail.

[183] Oh, you realize what you did?

[184] You know, that's when it's, that's when it hits.

[185] Have you had DUI before?

[186] No, no, not good.

[187] Got arrested for possession once.

[188] That's when I got sober.

[189] Really?

[190] Got arrested for possession of cocaine.

[191] Do do, do, do.

[192] And spent a night in jail.

[193] And I'm going to tell you, the happiest moment in court is when you show up for your possession of cocaine and as a public defender.

[194] And I'm sweating, like, I don't know, like, what's going to happen or this or that.

[195] Because it was crack that, you know, I had.

[196] So I'm like, and he's like, you okay?

[197] I'm like, yeah.

[198] He said, did anyone tell you?

[199] He said, no, he said, oh, whatever you had, it wasn't cocaine.

[200] So you're just here on driving on a suspended license.

[201] I was like, guilty.

[202] Guilty, what, suspended license?

[203] It wasn't real.

[204] Someone sold you some bullshit crack?

[205] Yep, yep, thank God.

[206] Oh, you're so lucky.

[207] Wow, what was it?

[208] Who knows?

[209] I don't know what it was.

[210] Whatever it was when they tested it, it was not cocaine.

[211] I'll tell you what it was.

[212] It was the greatest day of my life.

[213] Well, Joey Diaz would tell stories about giving girls chopped up aspirants and them acting like it's the greatest Coke they've ever done in their life?

[214] Yeah, yeah people, well so much of it is like psychological but with crack I mean when it hits you you know it but this one I listen Joe I got busted it was the dumbest thing like I was on this street you know crack road whatever you go to cop right so I had the rock and I knew the rock because I had tried to smoke it and it melted and it was like this is bullshit so I go back like I'm looking for the guy, right?

[215] Like, what am I going to do?

[216] I ain't going to do shit.

[217] Like, I'm not hard.

[218] You know what I mean?

[219] I'm not a crip.

[220] I'm just going back looking for the guy.

[221] And the cops swooped on the street, and they come in from both sides with cars, you know, like it's a whole thing, just shut down the whole street.

[222] So I throw the rock out of the window.

[223] It hits the gutter above the window and lands in my lap.

[224] When the cop looked, I had a rock sitting in my lap.

[225] It's like, I try.

[226] to get rid of it, you know.

[227] Yeah, you think a cut, like a rock.

[228] If your window's open, a rock, you could just flick it like a bugger.

[229] Yeah, that's what I thought.

[230] Did you try to throw it out the side window, the passenger?

[231] No, no, drivers.

[232] Yours.

[233] And it bounced off.

[234] Literally hit that gutter, you know, that little rail above the window and bounced, right, landed right in my lap.

[235] Dude, that is shit luck.

[236] Oh, man. But great luck.

[237] Great luck in the long run.

[238] But in the moment, not good.

[239] Wow.

[240] Not good.

[241] So that was the moment you decided to quit.

[242] When I, yeah, that night in jail, it was one of those things where, like, it's one of those moments where you realize I'm not supposed to be here.

[243] You know what I mean?

[244] Like, with everything that had transpired in my life, like, I was still in aerospace then, but, you know, licensed airplane mechanic, good job, blah, blah, blah, everything else.

[245] It just hit me in that moment, like, this is not how it's supposed to end.

[246] Because I knew guys who had gone down that road, you know what I mean?

[247] Like, I knew guys who were doing time and shit like that.

[248] And for a lot of guys, jail is just part of life.

[249] You know what I mean?

[250] Like, I go away for a couple of years, come back.

[251] Like, I'm not that guy.

[252] You know what I mean?

[253] And I didn't want to, I didn't want to become that guy.

[254] I had no aspiration.

[255] When I was a kid that one of the neighbor's sons, he was in Attica.

[256] And I will never forget this.

[257] We were going somewhere upstate New York, and we went to visit him.

[258] And when you go in and that gate closes behind you, like, I don't know if you ever been in a maximum security prison, but when that gate, it's, it's, chung, never forgot that sound for the rest of my, like, oh, fuck, no. This ain't, whatever I do, this ain't where I'm going to end up.

[259] What do you go to Anika for?

[260] Armed Robbery.

[261] Yeah, he was an armed robber and just, he was a habitual criminal.

[262] He'd spent the rest of his life.

[263] Like, he was never out of jail for more than a year.

[264] You know, because once you get in that system, then you're always getting picked up for something.

[265] And the people that you know, the people that you surround yourself with, it becomes a pattern.

[266] You're constantly around people that are doing things like that.

[267] It becomes normal.

[268] Yeah, that's what it is.

[269] It becomes normal.

[270] And once it becomes normal, it's tough to crack.

[271] How old were you when you first tried crack?

[272] Let's see.

[273] Speaking tough to crack.

[274] 22 maybe 23 something like that and what was the scenario uh well actually the first time i tried okay it started out you know like just partying as a kid smoking weed uh drink a beer whatever and then getting to a little cocaine here and there you know um snorting it and then i had a friend and this had to be 84 maybe 83 whatever when people were still you know just starting to get in a free basin and crack and stuff like that and he hit it and he gave me the pipe and I hit it and I was like holy shit and I was like it scared me I was like this is too good like I said man you better you better get off this shit this is gonna like you're gonna lose everything because the high was so good you know and what does it feel like describe it it's a rush it's an overpowering rush of energy and I don't know like a lightning bolt hitting you with no pain but just like you're buzzing like your whole body is just you know I guess cocaine works on whatever the the receptors of good feelings and you're I forget what it's called scientifically it's dopamine but they're also like nerve there are nerve endings that make you feel good cocaine works on these and and crack is such such an intense hit it's like doing it all at once as opposed to when you're snorting it you're getting high a little here a little now it's concentrated and it's a it's a rush but it's beyond anything else it is it is instantly addicting it because it's a rush that you've never felt before any of it now I've never shot up so I can't compare it to shooting drugs but I had never felt anything like that, and it literally scared me. And then, like, a year and a half later is when I got into doing it myself, you know, with some other guys.

[275] And it was like, me and this other guy, we kind of said, we're going to watch each other.

[276] You know what I mean?

[277] So it's like he'll tell me when to stop or I'll tell him when to stop.

[278] And it actually worked for as long as we were both in the same room, you know, but then.

[279] So you decided to be like sitters for each other?

[280] Yeah, yeah.

[281] Yeah, because you knew, because we'd seen people.

[282] We've seen people get sprung and lose everything.

[283] The first guy who turned me onto it, I watched him lose.

[284] He had this incredibly beautiful girlfriend.

[285] She dumped him.

[286] Then he lost his car.

[287] Then he lost his apartment.

[288] Like, it literally, crack will take, you know, I mean, Richard Pryor's jokes, like, that shit is true.

[289] The pipe will tell you, they ain't shit.

[290] This is you and me. It's you and me. You don't need this, bitch.

[291] You don't need that fucking car.

[292] You don't need, you know, I sold a crack car.

[293] I sold a car I had for 500 bucks, you know, to smoke that up.

[294] How often when you're smoking it?

[295] At the end, I was daily as much as often as I could get the money.

[296] Wow, daily.

[297] Yeah, as often as I could get.

[298] I still had a job almost to the end, you know what I mean?

[299] And I got laid off from my job.

[300] So when I got my paycheck, that's when it would start.

[301] And it was always the same bullshit.

[302] Like, all right, I'm only going to do like 1 -8 -8.

[303] I mean, that's like, spend $150, that's going to be it, you know.

[304] So you get that, and then you smoke that up.

[305] You're like, all right, I'm only going to 20 more.

[306] Like, I'm only going to do 20 more.

[307] I'm only going to do 20 more.

[308] And then you do that.

[309] And then the next thing, you know, it's all, it's the next day.

[310] And it's all gone.

[311] And the money's gone.

[312] And I was, like I say, I'm not a criminal.

[313] Like, I didn't come from that.

[314] That's where my head was.

[315] My next stop was, okay, how do I steal something?

[316] or rip somebody off or whatever.

[317] And, yeah, it's totally, but, but, and the bad thing is once you get to that point, you're not getting high anymore because your brain's so fried that the drug's not working.

[318] Like whatever the nerves and the brain cells and stuff are fried.

[319] So you're smoking it, but you're not getting that rush anymore.

[320] You're chasing it.

[321] You want it, but you can't find it.

[322] So the initial rush that you get the first time you do it is just overwere, and then everything else has to diminish his more and more?

[323] It's never, you know, like Shade's song, it's never as good as the first time.

[324] That's what, and that's the whole thing with drug addiction, with any drug, it's so good that first time that you're chasing it and you can't get that feeling again.

[325] I think that's the difference between addicts and regular people, like regular people like you get high and you're like, okay, I'm good, you know, I'm a high.

[326] I'm enjoying, I'm having a good time, but this or that, But when you're an addict, it's like you want that ultimate feeling that you got that one time and you will you'll sacrifice everything to get it.

[327] Yeah, I've never fucked with Coke.

[328] I don't know.

[329] I don't know what that feeling is.

[330] Coke in general is a an up drug.

[331] It ups your energy and heightened sense of awareness.

[332] That's why like you get Coke paranoia.

[333] Like I had Coke bugs one time?

[334] Coke bugs?

[335] Coke bugs?

[336] Like crawling on you?

[337] That's what you feel like something's crawling in your skin.

[338] and you're scratching, but people have cut themselves open.

[339] Oh, God.

[340] You know what I mean?

[341] But I'll never forget that.

[342] That was the weirdest thing, because it literally felt like there were bugs crawling out of my skin, and I'm just, ah, you know.

[343] But it does that, like, because it affects your nervous system.

[344] And this is the extreme.

[345] This isn't the, you know, snort coke with a chick in a bathroom of a club.

[346] You know, this is beyond that.

[347] You know, this is beyond the fun part.

[348] Did the snorting grab you as much as the smoking in, or was the smoking it where it really did?

[349] Yeah, the snorting was, the snorting was good, but snorting is also hard on you, like your nose gets fucked up.

[350] And, you know, in the 80s, there were a lot of deviated septims, you know.

[351] There were a lot of plastic surgeons putting noses back together in the 80s.

[352] So it eats through your nose?

[353] Is that true?

[354] It literally eats through your nose.

[355] I always want to know if that was true.

[356] Yeah, that center membrane goes away, and your nose just becomes one big nostril.

[357] and probably better for cardio yeah well there you go oh I used to work out man I used to get coked up and workout at a 24 hour gym if I wasn't in shape my heart would have exploded with some of the shit I used to do but you do it for the rush because you're coked up and then you start lifting and you know how it is you get that pump right and now you're like ah and you just feel like you can fucking explode you know and I'm my I'm sure my heart was doing 150 beats a minute at least you were you were coat up lifting weights oh yeah Yeah, and that was one of the reasons I think that I was able to hide it because I didn't look like a crackhead because I didn't lose weight because I got coked up and worked out.

[358] But did you eat too?

[359] I ate when I wasn't on it.

[360] I didn't eat when I was on it, but I ate when I wasn't on it.

[361] But you were doing it every day.

[362] Yeah, yeah.

[363] Well, every day as long as I had the money, the money would run out.

[364] So if I got paid Thursday, every day lasted until Saturday, maybe Sunday.

[365] And then you just get a little chip here and there, a little piece, but nothing to keep you high all day.

[366] So, I mean, I did a lot to hide it.

[367] You know, I led this dual life.

[368] Like, I worked during the day, and I was the airplane mechanic.

[369] And then when I got off work, I just locked myself up in my apartment and did Coke.

[370] Wow.

[371] I lived like that for, my life was fully like that for a little over a year.

[372] But the worst part, the last two years, was.

[373] when it was bad it was bad so you went crazy for a year where you just do what you drink and just try to calm your heart down no you drink because first of all you your torch was a little cotton ball dipped into 151 room oh okay so you had 151 there so you would drink that because you have it and you drink torch yeah in other words like you didn't you don't cook crack with a lighter you don't I hate giving crack lessons please do on the podcast but you know why because I won't No, you don't hold a lighter.

[374] You need a torch.

[375] You need, like, a hotter flame.

[376] So you would take, and I'm trying to remember how we did it.

[377] I'm trying to remember what you dipped into the rum.

[378] And it's great that I don't remember.

[379] Because I remember the screen was this chore boy, which was like a steel wool with no soap in it.

[380] That's what you used as a screen in the pipe.

[381] But I forget how I did the torch.

[382] But anyway, the torch, you would dip it into 151 rum.

[383] and light that because that was a hotter flame than using a lighter.

[384] Whoa.

[385] But you always knew.

[386] Yeah, they came out with those.

[387] They came out with the torch lighters later.

[388] But like you knew certain crackhead things and you would like when you were at a crackhead liquor store, you know what I mean?

[389] You could tell by stuff they sold.

[390] Like they would just have Chorboy scrub brushes and they would have like 151 rum but like in half pints.

[391] You know, no, who's buying a half pint?

[392] pint of 151.

[393] You know what I mean?

[394] And you get big lighters.

[395] You'd get that pack of five because you'd go through lighters all the time.

[396] So you just But that was that was it.

[397] That was the life.

[398] But it was the initial rush man. The rush was like and once you hit it, once you hit that then nothing else mattered.

[399] You know what I mean?

[400] Like in other words once you got that first hit then you didn't care about.

[401] And that's that's why you hear about those stories about people you know, leaving, I mean, the tragic stuff, leaving their kid in the car while they're in the crack house or, you know, the guy who never comes home or whatever, because you were out of your mind.

[402] It took over.

[403] There wasn't, very rarely did you come across a social crack user.

[404] Crack -dominated life.

[405] What you saw, what you saw happen to Chris Rock in New Jack City, that was it.

[406] That was real.

[407] And that's how it would take you over.

[408] It's amazing that you kicked it just from one arrest.

[409] Well, again, that one arrest was, well, you got to remember you hate yourself while you're doing it.

[410] You're not enjoying it, you know, you're in a place because you know you're fucking up.

[411] You know, I mean, like in my case, I'm not going, my family's in New York where I grew up.

[412] I'm not going home to visit anybody.

[413] I'm not going home on any holidays.

[414] My last Thanksgiving, now I'm invited to at least two, three friends and families, you know, come over for Thanksgiving dinner, this or that.

[415] It's me, the pipe, and a Denny's take out Thanksgiving dinner.

[416] You know what I mean?

[417] And you're sitting there, and you know that.

[418] That's what fucks with you.

[419] You know, and you're like, well, one more hit, and then I'm going to go to, you know, so -and -zo's house.

[420] I'm going to make it out the house to the, and you don't.

[421] And this is every week, and it's in your.

[422] mind like I just did it again I didn't show up for this I didn't show up for that I'm missing work I'm whatever I'm not bills aren't paid you know I went through bankruptcy the whole bit and so you know you're destroying your life and so the arrest was just like the the when it all came to a hit you know what I mean because now I'm just in jail by myself sitting in Van Nuys jail with nothing but nothing but my thoughts of this is how this is what I did Yeah, they say that you need a rock bottom, right?

[423] Yeah, it's different for everybody.

[424] But you hit that bottom.

[425] And the only thing I remembered after that when I went to rehab was I never want to feel like that again.

[426] You know, like whatever happens in my life, I don't want to feel like that again.

[427] Wow.

[428] So bad timing on the rehab.

[429] That's a good rock bottom, though.

[430] It's a good rock bottom story, too.

[431] It's a real rock bottom.

[432] But when it comes to rehab, if I had walked out of the house on Last Comic Standing into Celebrity Rehab, how fucking famous would I be now, Joe?

[433] Pretty famous.

[434] Yeah, I blew it.

[435] You timed it more.

[436] Timing off.

[437] When did you start doing stand -up?

[438] Well, that's the funny thing.

[439] And it's literally one of those cases where the worst thing in your life leads to the best thing in your life.

[440] So I go to rehab.

[441] And when you're in, I was in outpatient.

[442] So you're in these meetings and there's psychologists.

[443] and whatever.

[444] So this wasn't court appointed?

[445] This was like your own decision?

[446] No, this was my thing, yeah.

[447] Because I had gone, when I had my job, I had tried rehab once and I didn't make it because I didn't give a shit, you know.

[448] So I went back to the same place, and they let me back in.

[449] So four hours a day you're doing the psychology thing and the meetings and whatever else.

[450] And this woman came in, and she was from, people who are in recovery go to rehabs, and they tell people like, this is how it works.

[451] this is what it's like, blah, blah, blah.

[452] So she was hot as, all I remember is she was hot as hell, you know, and she was from New York, right?

[453] So after she talks, I make my move, you know, because I'm sober like three fucking days, right?

[454] But she said, listen, I'm married, but there are a lot of women like me to go to a place called Studio 12.

[455] And Studio 12 was a rehab for the crew.

[456] So the stars went to Betty Ford, but the crew, the electricians, the lighting guys, makeup artists, the clothes, they all went to this place called Studio 12, and that's where she was from.

[457] So she took me over there, and I met these guys, and I started going to meetings there, and I got, that's where I got sober.

[458] Those were the guys who helped me, who showed me, who, you know, sponsored me, everything else.

[459] But they were also, they were in the entertainment business.

[460] And I always had a sense of humor.

[461] I could make people laugh, but I had never thought about it, because if you're not, like, you know, I grew up in blue collar home, and then you, You grow up, you go to school, you get a job.

[462] Like, entertainment, show business is nowhere on the radar.

[463] That's something that other people do, and you watch on TV.

[464] But now I know guys who are in it.

[465] I know people who are doing it.

[466] And I was teaching aerospace and making people laugh and shit like that.

[467] And I said, I want to be a comic.

[468] And my AA sponsor was like, man, go for it.

[469] Try it.

[470] And I literally did one of those writing classes, and I did the five -minute graduation, hooked.

[471] And from then on, so that's how my comedy career.

[472] started.

[473] So was it writing like a Sandy Shore type class?

[474] It was a guy named Len Ostrovich.

[475] He used to write for Rich Jenny.

[476] Whoa.

[477] And he was, he was in somewhere in Santa Monica.

[478] There used to be a theater in Santa Monica where they used to do, I forget what, it was this Comedy Central, half -hour comedy thing.

[479] I forget what it was called.

[480] But anyway, he used to work there, and that's where he did the class.

[481] So I did the, I did his six -week writing class and the five -minute graduation show and just absolutely knew it like I was like this is what I'm going to do like I'm never going to fix an airplane again I'm doing this and and then you know that's how it started then it was just open mics and grinding and everything else and uh I know a lot of dudes who got into it because they would go to AA and then have those meetings yeah they go up in the meetings and they would tell funny stories about shit they did when they were fucked up yeah I I mean, I got laughs in meetings, but it was almost unintentional.

[482] It was just like I'm telling a story, but it's coming out funny.

[483] Like, I'm not trying to be funny.

[484] Right, right.

[485] It just comes out that.

[486] Because you know how it is.

[487] If you have a sense of humor, when you tell a story, it's going to be funny.

[488] But I didn't know what I was doing.

[489] You know what I mean?

[490] It was just I had this sense of humor.

[491] And what recovery did, it changed my sense of humor from like this, this anger, belittling, ripping on people thing to jokes like I'm in on a joke like now it's just funny like instead of being an attack oh so before when you were doing coke it was like aggressive like angry at everybody fuck this guy fuck you yeah because you're paranoid and you're fucked up and and when you do talk to people or whatever you just kind of separate from them you know and but anyway yeah so that that literally it had I not gotten sober I wouldn't have become a comic I don't think Jamie can you throw some tea on I'm know what the fuck is going on in my throat but i know that people listening to this probably like will you stop fucking clearing your throat i can't i can't help it folks um i think it might you might have gone a little heavy with the grass -fed butter in today's coffee i don't know maybe that's it but uh never tried the butter in coffee i heard it's right there if you want to i heard it's better i want to try some you might start fleming up too yeah i don't maybe something i ate maybe i don't know but um for me uh when i was starting out when i was an open mic there was a lot of guys It was a guy named Dave Fitzgerald who was a really funny guy And he was he just his whole life He was just doing blow and partying and drinking And fucking up And then he finally got himself cleaned up Started going to meetings And then started making people laugh At these meetings And he was a good writer man A funny comic And then he got sick He got sick one up dying of cancer He would have been a big comic He would have made it He had a real good sense humor he's a funny dude but uh just the toll on his body all those years and years of just fucking hitting it hard i got i have friends who that's happened to mainly guys who shot drugs who like gave them up and then 20 years later hep C or something like that like some some latent result from shooting drugs in their 20s destroys their body in their 50s yeah that hep C one's a real problem real common one for guys who do heroin yeah that was what the Tommy Lee, Pam Anderson accusation, right?

[492] It was, because they got tattoos together with the same needle to show their love.

[493] Yeah, who's the tattoo artist that does that?

[494] I don't know.

[495] Someone that loves Hep C. You know, I don't know a tattoo, like, I know tattoo artists, like if you asked them, do they be, uh, no. Like, you get the fuck out of here.

[496] No, I don't do shit like that.

[497] Right.

[498] Yeah, this is, this is a real procedure.

[499] You know, it's funny that you said that you grew up in a blue -collar house and that you didn't know, like, entertainment was never on the radar.

[500] Because I think that's the case for a lot of people that once you're around someone, like when you're around those people that were working in show business, you're like, oh, these are just regular people.

[501] Like, this is a job.

[502] Yeah.

[503] Yeah, it's real.

[504] Yeah.

[505] Yeah, it's real.

[506] Yeah.

[507] That's the case with a lot of things, isn't it?

[508] Oh, absolutely.

[509] We were talking about this the other day.

[510] We were talking about race car drivers, right?

[511] Because a lot of drivers, their kids, their father was a race car driver.

[512] So to them, that's normal.

[513] You know what I mean?

[514] But to most people, the idea of driving a car at 150, 200 miles an hour, they're out of your mind.

[515] But if your dad did it, then you start driving go -carts when you're like three years old.

[516] You know what I mean?

[517] And then you grow up and you do it.

[518] And you never think about, like, this is unusual.

[519] Did you see that movie with Thor?

[520] What the fuck?

[521] Yeah, yeah, Rush.

[522] Yeah, I love that.

[523] But he's Thor forever, by the way.

[524] I wouldn't even know his name.

[525] Hands and bastard.

[526] I love that stuff.

[527] Formula One racing?

[528] That's the real racing, right?

[529] That shit is neck.

[530] I mean, it's a whole different world, but it's like so cool to be one of those guys.

[531] Like the world champion now, this guy, Louis Hamilton, out of England.

[532] Like, this guy makes $30 million a year.

[533] He's got a price.

[534] private jet.

[535] I think his girlfriend was like the leader of the spice girls or something like that for a while.

[536] You know what I mean?

[537] And he flies his private jet to Malibu to see his girlfriend.

[538] And they always show him like hanging out at some award show.

[539] Like he knows everybody there.

[540] Or like he's in the Hamptons with Jamie Fox.

[541] You're like, hell yeah.

[542] Like that's how you're supposed to lose.

[543] Screw all that.

[544] I'm training all the time.

[545] Like this guy's living life, you know.

[546] You're like 30 years old and you're kicking it in the Hamptons with Jamie Fox and banging the leader of the Spice.

[547] I'm like, fuck, yeah.

[548] That's a world champion.

[549] That's Rush.

[550] This ain't no NASCAR bullshit.

[551] You ain't drinking PBR.

[552] Yeah, the NASCAR thing, I mean, I understand that people enjoy it, and I bet it's fun as hell.

[553] But that whole going left, I can't watch a race where you only go left.

[554] I can't watch.

[555] I couldn't, 500 miles of Bubba's turning left.

[556] well there's a girl in there too yeah babette yeah yeah the Danica Patrick how many are there other girls Jamie maybe one other maybe one other room but the the knock on Danica Patrick and it is true like she ain't gonna win and she has an attitude about it it's like she did all a go daddy you know the bikini stuff and this and that and then she's like well why do you treat me like a girl because you're fucking selling bikini pictures like you you know I don't think there's anything you know people will say there's something that it lessens a girl to sell herself in bikinis or something like that.

[557] I think that is total bullshit.

[558] Here's my take on it.

[559] A girl's body, like when a girl has a hot body, like he's, for a guy, that is the most desirable thing to look at on the planet.

[560] When you see a girl, like it has like Jennifer Lopez's ass, you know, that little thin waist and big ass and like, good look.

[561] Like there was a girl in line to take pictures with us after the show at the House of Blues in Houston.

[562] And me and Ian Edwards talked about her every 20 minutes for the rest of the weekend.

[563] Oh, yeah.

[564] Just because of her body.

[565] She had this waist.

[566] It was like, your arm.

[567] And then her ass came.

[568] It was insane.

[569] It was insane.

[570] And we would be in the car and I would go, that didn't even seem like a real body.

[571] And he goes, it didn't seem like a real body.

[572] It's like, what the fuck, man?

[573] I'm not knocking her for doing it.

[574] This is my thing.

[575] Don't do it.

[576] And then come.

[577] complain when people talk about it.

[578] You know what I mean?

[579] Like, in other words, Jennifer Lopez can never say, why are you looking at my ass?

[580] Well, Jen, you called us.

[581] J -Lo, you called us, said, look at that ass, and I'm just playing along.

[582] A lot of them, they start out, they start out trying to sell it that way, and then they want to be taken seriously.

[583] Right.

[584] Yeah, that does happen.

[585] But, come on.

[586] You can still be taken seriously if you're in your underwear.

[587] Who gives a shit?

[588] Yeah, just admit that that's what you're selling.

[589] It's part of you.

[590] It's not all of you, You know what's story I love?

[591] They went to the women beach volleyball players, and they said, you know, you don't have to wear bikinis, you can change the uniform, and all of them were like, no, no, no, no, no. We were wearing the bikinis because they knew they were like, yeah, we want people to watch.

[592] That's how they're making money.

[593] If we're wearing sweats, nobody's watching beach volleyball, so.

[594] I remember, when I first started doing comedy, especially, I always was like real nervous about people, seeing the fact that I had muscles, seeing the fact that I worked out, because I always felt like that working out and comedy were, they just didn't go together.

[595] There's no way.

[596] You couldn't have, you couldn't be built.

[597] Right.

[598] And do stand -up.

[599] You know, but then I met guys like you, and then I met Nick DePaulo was the first one.

[600] Yeah.

[601] I met Nick DePaolo in Boston.

[602] That's back when he was young.

[603] He was like a football player, he's big giant neck and fucking, and he was killing.

[604] And I was like, this is bullshit.

[605] All you have to do is just be funny.

[606] You don't have to hide it.

[607] early in my career I used to acknowledge it I've stopped even acknowledging it but it's always funny to me when people are like man if they don't laugh you can just beat them up like yeah that's my second strategy that's what we do that's absolutely what I was going to do because I'm a fucking Viking and I'm just going to jump into the crowd and start beating the shit out of people this is funny y 'all yeah the idea that somehow or another like a person who's fit or you have a good body that precludes you from being smart like that's a big thing with girls like if a girl's a hot body you think she's got to be a fucking idiot like in instantaneously you see a girl in the bikini a bikini with a nice body a good percentage of the population wants a writer off yeah because it's an easy ride for her because if you're because we know that if you are built like that the odds that you're doing the work the odds that you're really studying shit and reading shit and paying attention and really analyzing your thoughts and being objective and correcting mistakes probably not because you got dick thrown at you like javelins all day long you're just dodging dick i mean a girl like that's it's easy to rest on your laurels but it doesn't mean that that to judge them on that mean if you've met enough people in your life you realize that there's some really hot chicks that are smart as fuck yeah it's confusing definitely but they're out there but it happens it's it's like they say and i found this to be true the the most amazing women are the ones who got hot after high school yeah they they blossomed yeah because they had to they had a personality and they were smart or this or that and then they hit their 20s and they kind of figured out how all the parts come together and became like holy shit hot but they still have that they develop that personality or whatever whereas if you're born hot and you just look great all your life and I've met I've met women like this that they have no clue like they really think life is that easy for everyone right like it's like you understand like not everyone like some people have to wait in line for shit.

[608] Yeah, for clubs.

[609] Some people, like, yeah, it's no knock against them.

[610] It's like, you know, certain people win the birth lottery, you know.

[611] You just, like Michael Jordan, ability to fly.

[612] Yeah, but Michael Jordan's a perfect example.

[613] I mean, Michael Jordan didn't even make his high school team.

[614] Michael Jordan, he failed, like, a lot, and then become obsessed, became obsessed with success.

[615] Hard work.

[616] And then, but then he also happened to grow to six, seven with the.

[617] jumping ability you know what i mean it's like that was that that helped but yeah it's it's great when you do all of that but you still have to have i think you have to have some talent it's like being it's like comics you know i've always thought dave chappelle had an unfair advantage because dave looked funny when he came out and i don't mean i don't mean that as a knock i mean like when you see him on stage before he open his mouth you're like oh this guy's this guy looks funny this is going to be fun you know joey's like that when joey starts talking you're like this guy's hilarious because you think Joey Joey's one of those guys like Rocky Laporte's another one where you think they're playing a character and then you find out no this is really him yeah he's really that guy so it makes it even funnier Joey's a human cartoon I mean he just walks out on stage as soon as he walks on stage people start laughing they just start smiling yeah what the fuck has this guy been doing for the past 50 years I love Joey man He's my favorite of all time.

[618] I think he's the funniest guy that's ever lived.

[619] I really do.

[620] I don't think there's anybody any funnier because I think if you look at comedy, you look at stand -up comedy, I really think that we're right now.

[621] We're in the golden age.

[622] I don't think there's ever been more funny comics.

[623] I think because of the internet, because the internet, guys like Joey that probably would have never made it on television and they wouldn't have gotten a shot on a Tonight Show back in the day.

[624] Now you get to find out how funny they really are from podcasts and they get to go see them do stand -up.

[625] And I think if you look at, like, all the greats, like, if you go back in time, comedy gets better over the years.

[626] Like, the greatest of all time.

[627] Like, only Richard Pryor is he's the one guy that, like, I'll go back and I'll listen to his old stuff, and it's still really funny.

[628] It's still really funny.

[629] But, like, you go back and listen to Lenny Bruce, boof, it's hard to listen to, man. It's not really funny anymore.

[630] I think Carlin was always funny.

[631] once he got past that hippie weatherman thing once he put that down Carlin became just these I mean the observations he made were hilarious and Cosby and you know obviously everything everything with Cosby is now tainted but Cosby the comic was it was a he was a beast like you listen to Noah's Ark and some of that old shit and it's like genius that was great like it would still be you know we had this argument once somebody threw it out there.

[632] It said if Cosby started today would he have made it?

[633] And I was like, fuck yeah, he'd have made it.

[634] Yeah, for sure he would have adjusted.

[635] They all would have adjusted to the new level of comedy.

[636] The level of comedy's higher.

[637] People expect more.

[638] It's just, I think it's higher now.

[639] Yeah.

[640] You know, I just think that as time goes on, things get better.

[641] But out of all the guys that I've ever seen, and I saw Kinnison Live, I worked with prior at the end a bunch of times at the comedy store but he wasn't really prior anymore he was real sick and he was in a wheelchair at the time and they would literally carry him chewy from the comedy store and um what the fuck is her name um Martinez what the fuck of her name anyway they would carry her they would carry him they would carry her husband would carry Richard Pryor through the audience and sit him down and then they would crank the microphone and I'm like real loud because he could barely talk.

[642] Yeah.

[643] And he was on medication and he would drink and he would drink and he would talk and it just wasn't that good and it was sad.

[644] But I did get a chance to see him when I was younger.

[645] I saw him live in the sunset strip.

[646] I saw the movies.

[647] Yeah.

[648] And I saw prior, I saw Carlin live a few times.

[649] No one has ever made me laugh like Joey Diaz.

[650] Yeah.

[651] When that guy's on, when he's on and when his face is red and he's fucking screaming and going crazy i just i don't think there's anybody better i think he's the funny i think like overall he's the funniest guy that's ever loved yeah i got to uh i got to work with um carlin and i met cosby never got to work with him but i never got to meet prior he was the only one last summer i worked with rickles really rickles is he's in his late 80s and it's the same thing like he's off stage they have him in a wheelchair he can walk but it's like they help him get around and then they bring him out and he sits at a piano and the minute the lights hit he's fucking Rickles like one of the highlights of my life I got it on video is backstage Rickles was ripping on me oh man Joe you're fucking crying this next guy I don't know what he is 6 9 610 he could kill somebody God forbid and you can catch him this weekend at San Quentin he'll probably be inside Friday because you know Alonzo yeah took a white man's name so he's not in jail And just shit like that.

[652] It's just...

[653] Rapid fire off the top of his head.

[654] Bam, bam, bam.

[655] And all you can do is sit there and fucking laugh.

[656] Yeah, Jeff Ross told me he work with him too.

[657] And he said the same thing.

[658] He said once the lights are on and the microphones on, he comes alive.

[659] Yeah.

[660] It was great to watch.

[661] And it's one of those things.

[662] Like, that's a video I'll have forever.

[663] Like, yeah, that was the night Rickles ripped on me. So...

[664] Buddy Hackie yelled at me once.

[665] Oh, man, I got a great fucking buddy Hackett story.

[666] Really?

[667] Yeah, I'm doing a benefit, and Robin Williams was presenting Buddy Hackett with this award.

[668] So I'm outside.

[669] It was, let's see, it was, I was on the show.

[670] I want to say Shoemaker was on the show.

[671] And anyway, so I'm just outside.

[672] This is when I still smoke, so I'm having a cigarette.

[673] So Buddy Hackett walks up, right?

[674] I've never met him.

[675] I don't know anybody.

[676] And it's right after Don Imus did the nappy -headed hose thing, right?

[677] So he comes up to me, he's like, yeah, I know.

[678] I know you're going to let that hack it have it, right?

[679] Because you black comics, when it comes to being funny, I mean, the colors, you colored guys are just so hilarious.

[680] When you Negroes start and he just keeps going, he just keeps going saying the same thing with different words for black.

[681] And I am fucking cracking up because it's like, I don't even know you.

[682] But it was great.

[683] It was great.

[684] Those guys were, they had a thing, you know.

[685] They had a different time.

[686] and they had a camaraderie and when they were when they weren't on TV or on screen or they had no filter like they just did that's why he was doing that because you know back in the day that's what you that's what you did that's what you did they fucked around with each other and they those guys didn't even have comedy clubs those guys had to start off on variety shows yeah where they'd be like a dancer or a band and they'd be like the emcee and they'd have to come out and you know shuck and jive and they would emcee strip clubs and jazz clubs.

[687] You ever have to see a strip club?

[688] No. I did once.

[689] I did a Jack and Jill strip club in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.

[690] Jack and Jill means a guy goes out and the girl goes out.

[691] It was atrocious.

[692] There was no one in the audience, and there was maybe like, no bullshit, like six people in the audience spread out, like two here, one over there, three over there.

[693] It was so bad that I couldn't even say I bombed because there was no response.

[694] It didn't feel like a bombing.

[695] It felt like they weren't even acknowledging.

[696] that I was alive.

[697] It was this strangest thing ever.

[698] And then this guy and this girl who were both equally unattractive.

[699] The guy would dance first.

[700] I don't remember who danced first, guy or the girl, but they were both disgusting.

[701] And they both had terrible tattoos.

[702] The guy was covering his tattoos up with like bandanas on his arm and the girl had like, the way I described it on her ass, it looked like someone tried to chew it into her ass, like that you bit it into a pen, got the ink on your teeth, and tried to chew a snake into her ass.

[703] That's how bad the tattoo looked.

[704] It was just, it was one of those moments where I go, wow, I'm never going to forget this place.

[705] I did have a moment.

[706] I worked with the Chippendales guys once.

[707] So I guess this is hosting a strip.

[708] Anybody trying to blow you?

[709] Any of those Chippendales guy?

[710] No, they didn't.

[711] I wasn't their type.

[712] But it was some little casino, you know, one of those side of the road casinos about an hour and a half north of Sacramento, right?

[713] So we're in the middle of farm country and, you know, where it's just like, okay, here's a casino for no reason.

[714] had to be 1 ,500 farmers' wives' chicks in this crowd waiting for the Chippendales guys, right?

[715] So I go out there.

[716] So I'm out there for about maybe 12 seconds before the first take it off, you know?

[717] And it just was one of those they're just screaming, right?

[718] So whatever.

[719] So I didn't even do jokes.

[720] I just yelled back at them and something and then I would like open a button on my shirt you know but the funny thing was like it was almost like they weren't in on it like they were trying to fuck the chippendales guys and like you you know these guys are like there's like one of them like it's a lottery thing to find which one of these it's a straight guy you know and the other thing was these guys were kids they were like you know i guess it's a chippendales road crew it's not like the main guys these guys are like 20 22 23 and these women are like in their 50s you know I was like this is going to end badly the monsters farmer's wife monsters screaming cigarette breath oh yeah yeah dragons when I was a kid I had two friends that were male strippers and one of them was an older guy I used to work out they both worked out the gym I worked out and one of them was an older guy one of them the younger guy and the older guy it was real fucking weird just real weird Like he had a pair of underwear that was an elephant trunk And his dick would go where the trunk is And then he had like little ears You know, it was very fucking strange He would joke around But shit got real one day When we're all We're all hanging around He was talking about, you know, girls And you know, go to this bat Any guy was pretty built And girls, you know They go to these bachelor party Bachelorette parties And you dance for these girls And the girls get about to get married And she winds up sucking my dick It's crazy And we're all sitting around laughing and I go, you ever have to dance for guys?

[721] And you could hear a pin drop in that fucking room.

[722] And he looks at me and I'm looking into his soul.

[723] Yeah.

[724] Man, he goes, yeah, yeah, but I hate it.

[725] I'm like, yeah, okay.

[726] What the fuck?

[727] It was the weirdest moment.

[728] I'll never forget that moment.

[729] Looking at his eyes with him saying, yeah, but I hate it.

[730] I hate it.

[731] I'm like, you dance for guys?

[732] What's that like?

[733] And then everybody like...

[734] Yeah, what's that like?

[735] Because finally...

[736] Someone asked, finally someone asked.

[737] But the other dude was his younger guy, his young Puerto Rican kid that I used to work out with.

[738] And he wound up doing a lot of dancing for dudes.

[739] He wound up dancing for dudes, and I think he told me he let dude suck his dick, too.

[740] Yeah.

[741] It's just like, whew.

[742] He goes, hey, as long as I'm not doing anything, man, dude wants to give me $1 ,000 to suck my dick.

[743] I'm like, what?

[744] Yeah, I was going to say, it's probably just money.

[745] Yeah, but I don't believe he didn't do anything either.

[746] You know, $1 ,000 to suck his day.

[747] Okay, well, $10 ,000, if you suck my, Yeah.

[748] Well, hey.

[749] Long as you hear.

[750] Yeah.

[751] It's not going to take long, right?

[752] Listen, when you leave here, they're going to say you suck dick, whether you suck dick or not, so you might as well pick up 10 grand.

[753] Yeah, you're already in the neighborhood.

[754] When a guy is sucking your dick, you're already in the neighborhood.

[755] Yeah.

[756] You might as well just suck his dick and make the real money.

[757] It's, you know, I'm trying to think, I'm trying to think what comedy is related.

[758] Like, if there's a comedy gig that's that bad where you're like, fuck it, you know.

[759] I mean, but yeah, we don't have, there's no, there's no, there's no common, there's no one -nighter where you, where there's a possibility of you sucking a guy's dick.

[760] Unless you're a gay dude.

[761] And you're trying to hook it up.

[762] If you're trying, no, I'm talking about where it's just, it just happens.

[763] Yeah, yeah, nor is there a gig for chicks where they wind up, you know, for chick comics.

[764] Yeah.

[765] I don't know what it's, it's different for women on the road, though, right?

[766] Yeah.

[767] Like, they, their whole...

[768] They don't go out and get dick.

[769] No, their whole energy is different.

[770] They get sad.

[771] Their, their, their whole energy is avoid dick.

[772] Avoid dick.

[773] You know, and don't, like, I don't want dick.

[774] I don't want you showing me your dick.

[775] Don't...

[776] And they usually bring dogs with them.

[777] They bring a little dog.

[778] A lot of them have dogs.

[779] A little tiny dog.

[780] The weirdest thing I heard, after we did last comic, we were touring this and that, and Tammy Pasquitelli said she went to a gig, and a guy had a life -size cut -up.

[781] of her that he brought to the gig and he wanted her to sign how fucking weird would that moment be that's rough is Tammy still living in the middle of nowhere she was like in Pennsylvania something like that's still in yeah she's in Pennsylvania and uh she's doing good she's doing her you know she's doing great with stand -up right yeah she's doing great with stand -up she's always she's part of Jenny McCarthy's tour and then she's doing her own gigs oh that's right She does her radio show, too, right?

[782] Yeah, she's got a serious XM radio show.

[783] Tammy's always cool.

[784] Yeah, I love Tammy.

[785] She's always been cool.

[786] She's funny, too.

[787] We had a good time when we did the show.

[788] Who else did you do it with?

[789] What season when you're on?

[790] I was in seasons two and three.

[791] Oh, you on both seasons?

[792] Yeah, well, three was the kind of thrown together season where they took comics from season one and put them against the comics from season two.

[793] But I did it with Heffron, Gary Goldman, Todd Glass, Kathleen Madigan, Tammy, Corey Holcomb, Aunt.

[794] That's a good crew up to Ant.

[795] Ant was the reason why I got in a fight with Buddy Hackett.

[796] I know.

[797] We know that story.

[798] And I'm trying to remember, what's his name?

[799] Jay London.

[800] Oh, Jay.

[801] Jay London, man. He's a funny dude, man. Yeah, Jay's funny, man. But he's a boy, you talk about a guy who's a mess.

[802] Oh, he's crazy.

[803] Jay London was selling American flags after 9 -11.

[804] That's what he's doing for a living.

[805] and I work with him the first gig I ever did on television in 1990 I want to say two or three I did stand -up spotlight in New York and it was me and Jay London and a couple other people and Jay and I were friends you know from the New York comedy scene and then he just kind of like faded away and then he came to L .A. And in 2001 he was like basically like almost homeless.

[806] Yeah, yeah before he did last comedy like he was the only guy who stood in line on Last Comic and made it to the finals of the show.

[807] Wow.

[808] So he went through the whole line to audition?

[809] Wait outside.

[810] But I'll give my best J. London moment we were in the house and it was a game Hefron had.

[811] He called it 10.

[812] I don't know if you ever heard of this, but there's a group of people and you start telling facts about yourself starting from the most innocuous thing.

[813] That's number 10.

[814] Like I might say, you know, my name's Alonzo, I'm from New York City, you know, and you go around.

[815] Then number nine, you know, I had my first girlfriend at 18 or whatever.

[816] You know what I mean?

[817] Like, you go, number six, Jay London.

[818] Sometimes I get mad at myself and I rip pubic hairs out with pliers.

[819] And I was like, that's your fucking six?

[820] I was like, because I had to go after him.

[821] I was like, that's number six.

[822] What the fuck do I have?

[823] Like, that's six.

[824] And he was serious.

[825] Absolutely.

[826] Wow, he gets mad at himself.

[827] Like, what is your, what is number, I don't think we got to number two.

[828] What does he get mad at himself for?

[829] Who knows?

[830] Who knows?

[831] Jay, J's a sweetheart, but definitely a tortured soul.

[832] There were a lot of demons.

[833] It was fascinating watching him become famous because knowing him, as long as I knew him, and then for a small window of like a year or so, after last comic standing, he was really well known.

[834] Oh, absolutely.

[835] People loved him.

[836] Yeah, and we were at the store.

[837] People would love him.

[838] People come up to him at the store and they'll go, can I get a picture with you?

[839] And he'd be like, me?

[840] You want a picture with me?

[841] Yeah.

[842] Like he was like genuinely confused.

[843] Yeah, he never figured it out.

[844] He was a guy who needed someone to take care of him.

[845] He needed a manager.

[846] Yeah, he needed a manager that would handle and take care of him, which he didn't have.

[847] Just book them.

[848] Just get him booked.

[849] I mean, it's just like having him manage his career on his own.

[850] Did he ever have a manager?

[851] He was with Barry briefly.

[852] Exactly.

[853] Did he ever have a manager?

[854] Exactly.

[855] Yeah, no, he didn't.

[856] We toured with him for a while.

[857] Me, him and Gary Goldman, toured for about six months.

[858] Really?

[859] And me and Goldman would call it Londonitis, where you just get tired of Jay.

[860] Like you love him, but man, I can't do it anymore, you know.

[861] But he needed somebody to help him.

[862] It was fucked up because it was one of those cases where if somebody worked with him, he could have sustained it.

[863] You know, he's a guy who could just come in and do 10 -minute guest spots forever.

[864] Yeah.

[865] And people would love him.

[866] Well, he opened up for Louis recently in L .A. at the comedy store when Louis was warming up for his stand -up special that he filmed there.

[867] And he was really funny, man. He's got some great one -line.

[868] Yeah, he's got some killer one -line.

[869] My girlfriend had crabs.

[870] I bought a fishnet stockings.

[871] Thank you.

[872] I'll be over here.

[873] And he would, like, move the microphone when a joke didn't go well.

[874] He's the only guy I know who could honestly do the same joke twice in one set because he forgot.

[875] and the crowd would laugh because everyone knew like he honestly forgot he's already told that joke yeah well they were all non sequiturs it was like one after the other that didn't make sense um the buddy hackett story if you didn't hear it was buddy hackett and uh and monique and i were hosting we were the uh the judges first season of last comedy standing uh an aunt aunt's killing right doing great and uh but he does like a judge George Carlin joke, does a joke from a movie, does all the shit.

[876] So I compliment them.

[877] I say, you've got great energy.

[878] Your delivery's awesome.

[879] You know, he really got a lot of, there's a lot of charisma.

[880] But I've seen those jokes.

[881] Like, those are jokes.

[882] Like, you did a joke from a movie, the movie Boiler Room.

[883] Yeah.

[884] Which, I guess they stole from Jim David, who's a comic in New York.

[885] The joke was, you know, they should take you gaze and put them on an island.

[886] They did.

[887] It's called Manhattan.

[888] Okay.

[889] You know, like, when you say that and you live in L .A., like, come on, bitch.

[890] that ain't your joke you know like this is that doesn't even make any sense out here but when I said that you know I said look a comic is supposed to be when you're on stage it's supposed to be your point of view like that's what everybody wants to go see they want to see here's the world through your eyes a bunny hand could just start screaming at me I never heard those jokes before you fucking asshole just screaming at me because all those old vaudeville dudes would all steal all of them they all would steal each other shit and they would go from town to town and, you know, they would do jokes, two Jews walking to a bar, and then they would have, like, a little thing that they would piece together.

[891] Because no one did television back then.

[892] They never did television.

[893] So nobody knew.

[894] Nobody knew anything.

[895] You just had a bunch of gags.

[896] It was like your toolbox that you'd bring with you, and you'd go and do it.

[897] And that's the only, I mean, we all knew that.

[898] Everyone knew that as comics.

[899] I mean, you talked to, guys, they were alive back then, they would always talk about that.

[900] Like, the Milton Burl thing was the classic one, right?

[901] Milton Burl stole everybody's shit.

[902] But he just, I just struck a chord.

[903] And he was screaming at me You fucking asshole Just screaming He had gloves on And I remember Trying to figure out What I was gonna do Like am I gonna yell back at Buddy Hall He's like fucking A buddy Hackett rather He's like 80 something years old He means looks like he's on death's door And he's a legend He's a comedy legend And you know He's screaming at me And I know why he's screaming at me And am I gonna say Listen you're just pissed off Because your entire career you stole That's what you guys did You guys all stole You weren't, what stand -up was back then is not stand -up now.

[904] This is all in my mind.

[905] Yeah.

[906] And I'm, I can't say that.

[907] I just can't say it.

[908] It's not, it's not my place.

[909] I'll be crucified.

[910] So I decided to just eat it.

[911] I'm not going to say a word.

[912] So I just sit there while he's screaming at me and I'm looking at him and I don't say a word.

[913] And I think to myself like, God, did I do the right there?

[914] And then fucking Barry came over, who I've never liked.

[915] He doesn't like me. I don't like him.

[916] And he was the producer of the show.

[917] It was that weird controversy where all the people that got on the show, even though we didn't vote for him, They wound up getting in because Barry was managing them It was a disaster Because he was producing the show And managing people that were on the show It was fucking gross That was when Drew Carey And Brett Butler walked off the show In the second season I was there I'll talk to you about that We'll do that next So I decide I go I'm not going to say anything I'm gonna say it And Barry came over to me You know you're such a professional You just I'm really amazed That you just did that The way you did that was beautiful You just handled it perfectly.

[918] I'm like, thanks, great.

[919] So I'm thinking to myself.

[920] Yeah, I'm thinking to myself, Jesus, I definitely did the wrong thing.

[921] If Barry comes over and tells me that.

[922] So I, you know, I just, I'm very, and then Monique was like, you made those jokes yours, sugar.

[923] Those are your jokes now.

[924] You made them yours.

[925] I'm like, you made them yours.

[926] It's a fucking George Carlin joke.

[927] God damn it.

[928] He's doing the joke about George Carlin talking about how fighters fight for a purse and they wear a belt.

[929] That's a goddamn joke.

[930] George Carlin bit, and he's doing this, and he's going to do it on television?

[931] Like, do you know what you're, what's happening here?

[932] I don't say a word.

[933] I just let it all happen.

[934] And two weeks later, Buddy Hackett's dead.

[935] Two weeks.

[936] So his health was so fragile that him screaming at me at that moment, if I screamed back at him, he could have died on that show.

[937] I mean, that's how fragile his health was.

[938] I mean, he was dead.

[939] I want to say two weeks, I might be wrong, but it was no more than two months.

[940] and he was dead and so I was thinking like if I yelled at him there fuck you you old cunt that would be the worst boom his heart thing explodes yeah Joe Rogan kills Buddy Haggit yeah literally killed him yeah literally killed him and this was all I want to say this is all pre the Mencia thing too it was it was right when was the last comic standing what year 05 yes oh 4 oh 5 yeah so this was pre because the Mencia thing was like 2007 Yeah.

[941] Well, what happened with Brett and Drew Carey, and I always felt that they set them up, you know, kind of set them up for this to happen.

[942] So we're doing the semifinals in Vegas, right?

[943] There's 20 of us there, and 10 of us are going to go forward into the house and do the show.

[944] So it came down to, I think it was, I think it was Dan Natterman and somebody else.

[945] It was between the two of them.

[946] And Natterman had had a killer set.

[947] And I love Natterman.

[948] Natterman's really funny.

[949] But I think they didn't see everything that led up to that.

[950] In other words, we had done our auditions in our various cities.

[951] We had done New York.

[952] And they had us do some shit backstage.

[953] Like we had a gambling night.

[954] We had a party.

[955] And Dan doesn't really interact.

[956] Like it's, you know, a lot of comics.

[957] You stay to yourself.

[958] Like, it's a thing.

[959] And I think all of that made a difference in them picking.

[960] but they had Brett and Drew under the impression that they were going to pick the 10 that went because like one of the other comics they picked wasn't going to get on because they did the same set at both auditions and they'd kill you for that.

[961] They were like, look, if you don't have two different three -minute sets, you know, you're not ready for the show or whatever, you know.

[962] So I felt they set Brett up because I remember when Brett got pissed and got up out the chair and walked off because I think we all knew that they weren't making the final decision you know what I mean they were like celebrity judges but they weren't going to you know what I mean it wasn't you weren't really judging they didn't take you into consideration at all right it was the producer's decision which is why it was so frustrating for people when they found out that Barry was managing people yeah that wanted to make it on the show I can say when all that went down I had no connection with anybody because Barry managed some and then Ross Bob and and Ross from the Tonight show they had had a management company before they were scouts for the Tonight Show and I think one or two of the comics had been with their management company but I was like, nope, check my history.

[963] There's no one pulling for me here.

[964] But then I went back a few years later season five and I was one of the judges and so now I'm on the other side of the table and I got to say, I don't know how it was when you did it.

[965] They didn't interfere with us.

[966] They didn't tell us who they wanted, you know what I mean?

[967] Like, they didn't really, the only thing they would tell us is if somebody did that act before.

[968] You know, in other words, like, they tried out with it in 2005, and now they're back in 06 with the same act.

[969] Because they were like, no. And then there were a couple of times, I'll never forget there was this one, this chick had been like Miss New Jersey or something like that.

[970] Like she was a beauty queen, and she was hot as hell.

[971] Not funny at all, but just fucking amazing to look at, right?

[972] So they were like...

[973] Gotta go her in the house.

[974] Got to pass her.

[975] Yeah, they were like, you got to pass her.

[976] You got to bring her back to the night audition.

[977] And we're like, like...

[978] No. No, like it's not gonna...

[979] Yeah.

[980] We brought her...

[981] We were at Gothams in New York.

[982] Man, it was the most awkward silence.

[983] Like her act, it was like this monologue and just the crowd was just...

[984] Like, it's where it's not even bombing where they...

[985] Yeah, the look on your face right now.

[986] I don't know if there's a camera on you, but if people, if you saw...

[987] saw the face Joe just made.

[988] That was the whole, yeah, a lot of that Hmm.

[989] That's painful feeling.

[990] She's beautiful, though, isn't she?

[991] Look at her hair.

[992] Look at her hair.

[993] You know, it was one of those.

[994] One of those, I have no idea.

[995] Amazing.

[996] What if she got good, like really good?

[997] Yeah.

[998] Could have, maybe.

[999] I don't think so.

[1000] I think she would have, she'd have been plucked into the actress pool if she was funny at all.

[1001] And even remotely decent.

[1002] Yeah.

[1003] Yeah.

[1004] Yeah, they didn't tell us.

[1005] anything who they wanted who they didn't but it was real obvious when we all like we would talk about it like before buddy got mad at me you know i like did you guys pick them how did how did this guy get through like it was it was a there was a conversation when we were trying to figure out how someone got through that we didn't pick that none of us picked monique didn't pick him that was what it was i don't think i was talking to buddy i think monique didn't pick him and i didn't pick him i go you didn't pick him and i go how this guy get through it doesn't make any sense and then there was there was uh the brett butler thing and then we had read that the judges were really just sort of for show and that really is the producer's decision who to get on and not cannot show?

[1006] Yeah, ultimately it was because part of it like I was talking with Jay K .P. Anderson about it because KP.

[1007] was working on the show.

[1008] He was writing for Jay.

[1009] Right.

[1010] And K .P. He said, you know, well, part of it is you got to have a balance in comics.

[1011] Right?

[1012] So you can't have like all white guys or all black guys or this is like they they had an idea of how many slots because he told me the thing when the season I went on with Corey Holcomb he said look they only thought there'd be one black comic they're like but you and Corey were both so funny and so completely different that they were just like yeah bring them both on and then when it came down to there were six of us and fought going to be five finalists right and me and Corey were both still in the running and we were like, all right, one of us ain't going to make it.

[1013] Like, it ain't going to be two brothers in the final five on NBC.

[1014] That just ain't going to happen.

[1015] That's hilarious.

[1016] So, whichever one of us makes it, we, you know, we're back the other one.

[1017] You know what I mean?

[1018] Because we knew.

[1019] But how is that?

[1020] That doesn't make any sense.

[1021] If you guys were the two best, it should be a possibility.

[1022] Yeah, it should be.

[1023] But it's not fucked up about the show.

[1024] But it's, but it's not just that show, you know what I mean?

[1025] Like, that's how TV works.

[1026] Like, you know, I've always said that, like, when people talk about discrimination in TV there's definitely discrimination in TV but a lot of it but one of the colors they see is green you know what I mean and some of the shit they do like when they do stereotypes like we were talking about it earlier you know like Friday night I was on Dr. Ken's show as a bouncer all right I fucking nail bouncer all right I've been a bouncer on more sitcoms in more movies now you know could I get mad and say well you know I can play a professor yeah I could but I'm damn sure I could play bouncer you know and it's like that's how TV works right like every hot blonde is dumb on TV and every sitcom dad is a bumbling idiot you know and it's like that's that's how they that's how they play the game so you can get mad at it to an extent and I understood like like the Emmy speech that Viola Davis made like I get that like she's like if we had more opportunities there would be more black actresses like me and it and I never want to insult people who act on that level by lumping myself in that category.

[1027] Like, I'm not an actor like that.

[1028] I am a, I love playing the bouncer.

[1029] It's easy, and I get health insurance, you know.

[1030] But as a comic, you're a professional comic, a legit professional comic.

[1031] And the idea that you wouldn't have you and Corey Holcomb, who's also a legit professional comic, hilarious, dude, you two hilarious guys that it's not possible that you can get into the finals, that's fucked up.

[1032] It was possible, but we kind of knew.

[1033] You knew what it was possible.

[1034] We knew, we were like, this, this.

[1035] On UPN, we'd have got it.

[1036] At UPN, I forgot that existed.

[1037] The WB, remember the WB?

[1038] On the WB?

[1039] It would have been, listen, Mr. Heffron, we're going to see you later.

[1040] Me and Corey got business to take care of.

[1041] Well, at least Heffron's funny.

[1042] Heffron's hilarious.

[1043] And after all the dust settled, like, we were all cool with it.

[1044] You know what I mean?

[1045] Like, it was what it was, and it was a good shot for all of us.

[1046] but I liked it better then than I do now.

[1047] I think the show was better when you had all the reality and all that because I think the fans...

[1048] What do they do now?

[1049] Now it's just straight stand -up.

[1050] Really?

[1051] Yeah, it's like they just get up and do stand -up against each other and America votes.

[1052] I don't even know if America votes or I don't even know how they do it now because, you know, when we did it, they didn't have Twitter and shit like that.

[1053] Isn't that crazy?

[1054] I did it when we had MySpace.

[1055] And I had a girlfriend who would get mad at me because of things chicks would post on MySpace after they saw me on TV.

[1056] Oh, Alonzo.

[1057] Like, I got no control over this.

[1058] She would get mad at you for things other people posted?

[1059] Yeah, she was never able to adjust to TV.

[1060] But, you know, the, because you know how TV is, like pretty women are like a decoration on TV.

[1061] You know what I mean?

[1062] They're always around.

[1063] and whenever there's a vent there's hot chicks there that nobody really knows how they got there you know what I mean like I don't know who invited them or what but they're just here but that's how it is it's always like that and she was never comfortable with that and I was like look if they're going to fuck anybody they're going to fuck a producer like they know they know how this game works they know they're only going to get so far fucking the winner of last comic standard that's not a career you might be a step though It might be a stepping stone, a nice little rock to get you across the creek.

[1064] I might be able to get you backstage where you could meet somebody, you know.

[1065] But, yeah, she never, and she was hot, you know, but she never couldn't handle it.

[1066] Couldn't get used to it.

[1067] There's some of those things, some of those events where they bring in girls.

[1068] I knew girls that would get hired.

[1069] They would literally get hired.

[1070] They'd get paid like a thousand bucks to go to these events and parties and mingle because they want to just be filled with tent.

[1071] It's just filled with hot chicks, but they're not, like I used to always say, they're not real.

[1072] They're just here.

[1073] Like, not meaning they're not real.

[1074] They're real people.

[1075] I'm sure they have a life and stuff.

[1076] But in this atmosphere, they're here to make this room look good.

[1077] They're here to, you know.

[1078] They're also here to find some sort of a producer that might be able to take care of them.

[1079] There's a lot of that.

[1080] I just call them coyotes.

[1081] God bless them if you, you know.

[1082] They would find this dude.

[1083] You can make it work.

[1084] Some chubby Jewish dude and just start working them.

[1085] I've seen it.

[1086] My friend and one of my favorite.

[1087] comics Matt Kazam.

[1088] Look, I got my own problems.

[1089] Me and Matt be on the road.

[1090] He'd say that a hundred times.

[1091] Whenever you read something in the paper, like some guy, you know, tornado blew his trailer away and his dog died.

[1092] I was like, yeah, I got my own problems.

[1093] Yeah, you can concentrate on other people's problems way too long and you get lost.

[1094] You lose yourself.

[1095] It's just too easy.

[1096] That's the other thing about social media.

[1097] It's too easy to get caught up in nonsense that really shouldn't affect you at all.

[1098] Yeah, and some people do more than, like it's unreasonable.

[1099] Like, okay, we can't save everyone from everything.

[1100] Like, in a perfect world, we could, but no. The world's not perfect.

[1101] Yeah.

[1102] And, you know, and it's the same way with Hollywood and show business.

[1103] Like, you have to remember, this shit ain't real.

[1104] You know, it is on some level, but a lot of it is just glamorous, and they treat you good, and they love you.

[1105] And they, I think, I think what helped me was the fact that I worked in the real world before I got into this.

[1106] Yeah.

[1107] Because I remember my first job, I was a truck driver for the show Power Rangers for the kids show.

[1108] And I'd never worked in TV.

[1109] And I didn't know anything about it.

[1110] And we go, and there's breakfast.

[1111] And then there's lunch.

[1112] And I'm like, what the fuck?

[1113] What?

[1114] And, you know, I'm hearing, I'm hearing someone complain.

[1115] And I want to say, you know, in the real world, you've got to get your own food.

[1116] Like, dude, they feed you every day.

[1117] You might want to show a little gratitude here, you know.

[1118] Well, there's, when you're on the Power Rangers, you wish you were on friends.

[1119] This is how it is.

[1120] Everybody always wants better.

[1121] No one's ever happy.

[1122] There's always a bigger, better deal around the corner.

[1123] Yeah.

[1124] I had fun with that show.

[1125] That show was actually, that's where I learned everything about TV.

[1126] Like, I learned what every, you know, I learned what the best boy is and what the key grip.

[1127] Like, you see all those titles, and you're like, what the hell is.

[1128] that and that's where I learned who all those people are I learned what upstage meant while I was on a television show they told me could you move upstage I go which way's that which way's upstage it's all flat you know there was there were a bunch of people like oh Jesus how the fuck did he get here fucking comics they were mad who they were mad I worked with some actors it really didn't like the fact that I had never really done any acting before and then it was easy it's not that hard but upstage the way it used to be in those Victorians, Shakespearean stages, it was a ramp.

[1129] Like, the stage was not flat.

[1130] It was like, it was elevated in the back.

[1131] And the idea being that you could see it through the entire, like so, as they moved to the back of the stage, upstage, you could see in the back.

[1132] Right.

[1133] They had to make a ramp so everyone could see it.

[1134] Yeah, because they were flat.

[1135] Then someone figured out, hey, wait a minute, if we put the seats in a ramp, we can make the stage flat.

[1136] It's one of those great moments in theater.

[1137] that nobody got credit for that.

[1138] Yeah.

[1139] The guy who said, hey, man, how about if we put the seats uphill and we keep the stage flat?

[1140] Oh, yeah.

[1141] Oh, yeah.

[1142] So I'm going to tell you my great Joe Rogan story, because I don't know if you remember this story.

[1143] Okay.

[1144] But I will always remember this story.

[1145] Uh -oh.

[1146] This was, no, this was a great thing.

[1147] This was my second year at Montreal.

[1148] I had gone once and I had done new faces.

[1149] and then, you know, just doing whatever.

[1150] It was great for me, and that's when I became a comic full -time, blah, blah, blah, you know.

[1151] So I come back the next year, and I bumped into you, and I think you were either you were still on news radio or you had just finished news radio or something like that.

[1152] What year was it?

[1153] This is 99, 98?

[1154] Yeah, 98.

[1155] Probably on it still.

[1156] I think it ended in 99.

[1157] And then Kevin James showed up, and I think Kevin, show was about to hit or it just hit or something like that.

[1158] And you grabbed me and you're like, come on, we're doing spots.

[1159] And I rode around in a cab with you and Kevin James crashing stages.

[1160] And now I'm just coming off new faces.

[1161] So I'm like, what the fuck?

[1162] I'm hanging out with Joe Rogan and Kevin James.

[1163] I'm a fucking comic now.

[1164] I'll always remember that, man. That was so fucking cool at that time.

[1165] Because you knew me from the laugh factory, but it wasn't, but you know You know what I mean?

[1166] Like, you guys were both on sitcoms, and you recognized everywhere you walk in, and I'm just this, that there's security?

[1167] Nah, it's fucking comic.

[1168] I remember that.

[1169] I remember driving around with you.

[1170] But to me, I mean, I never wanted to be on TV, you know, so being on TV was just something like, whoa, okay, I'll do that.

[1171] That's a lot of money.

[1172] Yeah, all right, I'm on TV.

[1173] But any moment while I was on stand -up, when I was on TV, rather, I was thinking this is going to end, and I'm going to go right back to being a stand -up.

[1174] I always thought of myself as a stand -up.

[1175] Yeah, I love being a stand -up.

[1176] It's the best.

[1177] I mean, I would love that, everyone would love that hit TV thing.

[1178] Like, that's the lottery payoff, right?

[1179] When you get one of those and you, you know, make a ton of money.

[1180] But there's nothing like being on stage.

[1181] And the other thing I've always loved is the respect of the good comics.

[1182] That's everything.

[1183] That's everything.

[1184] When the good ones, when the pros, the masters, whatever you want to call it, and you know you got it because they just treat you like you're one of them you know that was always the thing when they talk to you they treat you like you're like okay yeah I'm in dude I was in the parking lot of the comedy store in like 94 or something like that and Damon Wayans he had seen me on stage and he looked at me and he goes you a funny motherfucker you a funny motherfucker god damn that was funny and I remember like my whole body was tingling I was like, Damon, Wayan said that?

[1185] Like, to me, that was, like, just the most, like, the most elevating thing that could have ever happened.

[1186] I was like, holy shit, I'm legit.

[1187] I can't believe this.

[1188] And then you become that guy.

[1189] Crazy.

[1190] You know, like, in the past five years, I've definitely become the old guy.

[1191] Like, there's so many young comics I mean, oh, man, I was watching you, and, oh, man, just talking to you.

[1192] I'm learning.

[1193] I'm like, I got you.

[1194] Because I remember, like, George Wallace was my guy.

[1195] Like, I used to see George, at the Laugh Factory and I talked to him and this or that and he still fucks with me about it like we were in Vegas, we were having lunch or something like, yeah, there's Alonzo just sitting around waiting for me to die.

[1196] I was like, you damn right George, I take over this whole operation.

[1197] That's a Vegas operation.

[1198] He hated that operation, man. Yeah, toward the end.

[1199] I talked to him about it at the Comedy and Magic Club.

[1200] He came back backstage and I was there and we were hanging out and talking and he said he goes, it is not easy.

[1201] He said it is hard.

[1202] You know why?

[1203] They've four wallet He had to pay for everything to promote it?

[1204] Because he was going up again.

[1205] He said the reason he stopped doing it, because other clubs, they were giving it away free.

[1206] So he's forewalling and trying to sell tickets when they're giving away, you know, free tickets to so -and -so show because they're backed by the casino.

[1207] And he said, that's why he said, you just got to where you couldn't, you can't compete with free.

[1208] Also, then you've got to go on the road and you haven't really established yourself on the road in decades.

[1209] Because all this time he's been in Vegas, doing this one place just trying to pack this one place with people out of town so he's got the billboards he's got the the things on top of the cabs and all that shit and he's he's got a good hustle at keeping it together in Vegas but that shit doesn't mean anything when you go to philly no the people that haven't gone to Vegas they're like George who George Wallace oh yeah I remember that guy they're not going to come they're not going to they don't know what's better was he on Comedy Central last year you know when was the last time you had special that's always been my weakest thing I never been great at marketing it's hard Marketing is a tough gig, but he had a great run in Vegas, though, for a long time.

[1210] He had a great run.

[1211] How many years was he there?

[1212] I think nine.

[1213] Yeah, I think nine years.

[1214] But I talked to another guy who had one of those shows, and he told me, he said, man, I get, he said, you see them taxis?

[1215] I get a bill for that.

[1216] Like, every month, like, the casino gives me a bill.

[1217] The casino gives you a bill.

[1218] Yeah, because the casino puts up the money to put your picture on top of 100 taxi cabs.

[1219] you know and then at the end of the month you get a bill for that or they take it out of what you made in the box office wow yeah so it yeah it's a tough it's unless you're unless you're a big name you know unless you're one of those big Vegas shows going in but you have to be like brittany spears or something like that like i never hear about a comic having a big name like i guess well caratop he does well but he's more of a variety show i mean he's a comic for sure but he's more of a variety show because he's got props and he's been in Vegas long enough like he's built he's built a show there you know what I mean like people know him it's kind of like sigfried and roy type thing like carrot top is a Vegas show yeah he how long has he been in there 10 no idea probably like 10 years he's been in longer than George so there's no one else though I mean what's her well Rita Rudner was there Rita Rudner Louis Anderson oh yeah Louis had a show there I didn't remember his And who else Didn't Eddie Griffin do something there for a while I think Eddie Griffin still has a thing at the Rio Like yeah but it's not It's not all week It's like week nights It's a weird night thing It's like a Monday or a Tuesday Monday and Tuesday night or something like that Yeah I've always wondered what that would be like Like there was one time we were negotiating To do a They wanted to do a reality stars thing In Vegas so they'd have like Like I was going to host it because I won last comic standing, and then they were going to have, like, the winner of the country singing.

[1220] Like, they couldn't get the big, you know, the American Idol winners and stuff like that, but it was all the second -tier reality shows, like the winner of the country music singing show, and the winner of this.

[1221] There's some show on country music television television television, like an American Idol, but for country singers.

[1222] Meanwhile, it probably gets 20 million people to watch it.

[1223] Yeah, and they wanted all of us to do a show, and I had hoped it went, because I wanted to see what it would be like, to just be on a Vegas show for like to live in Vegas and work in Vegas for six months.

[1224] You would go crazy.

[1225] Think so?

[1226] Yeah, I think you'd go crazy and I think your world would get very weird.

[1227] I think your world gets weird if you live there.

[1228] I think there's something strange about being in the city that is a, I love Vegas.

[1229] I love working there.

[1230] I love doing the UFC there, but I love getting a fuck out of there just as much as I love getting there.

[1231] Yeah, a week is pretty much as much Vegas as you can.

[1232] I never even do a week.

[1233] I do two days.

[1234] That's all I've ever done And even two days When Sunday rolls around I take the fucking 6 a .m. flight out And I'm not kidding I've stayed up all night And then I say well I'm just gonna have a fucking Red Bull And play with my kids on Sunday morning And I'm gonna I'm gonna stay awake Fuck this I'm getting out of here I'm not taking some noon flight Or 1 p .m. flight And the last thing you want to do Is try to drive Yeah, not on the weekend If you're gonna drive out of Vegas You better leave at Saturday night At 5 a .m. You better leave You gotta do it Because otherwise it's going to take forever.

[1235] I know people it's take eight, nine hours.

[1236] When I go, when I do a club, Jamie.

[1237] I'll hang out.

[1238] I don't hang out on the strip.

[1239] Like I'll go to a gym somewhere off the strip and I'll go eat somewhere off the strip and then you're there at night and that's okay.

[1240] But the idea, and I'm not a gambler like the idea of just being in that casino doing that for a week.

[1241] But I've talked to people who work there and they're like, if you work here you don't even hear the bells like they walk to the state you know what i mean they have a thing they go on stage go on stage do your show leave go home you live somewhere else away from the strip and that makes sense well i know people that live in henderson like my buddy max lives in uh henderson like you know nice suburb he loves it you know he he's a professional pool player a lot of pool action in Vegas and there's a lot of people that live outside of it that really like it you know but like uh i don't know you know mac king matt king no mac does he's a magician he has like an afternoon show i think at harris but he's been there like he just sold his two millionth ticket like he's been there forever it's his gig it's his and he loves it and you know it's like a one hour show at like four in the afternoon for the whole family it's like clean and right and he loves it yeah and he's been there 15 years Well if you had to choose between living in Vegas and living in Toledo I'll take fucking Vegas every goddamn day of the week No offense Toledo but you know what the fuck I'm saying I think there's something weird though about living in a city That is the place that people go to get crazy Yeah well you have to get away That's why you can't I don't know anyone who lives there Who goes to the strip on a regular basis Yeah Anyone I know who lives in Vegas they're like Yeah I'll go occasionally there's a show they'll go to or they'll take their friends there when their friends visit but otherwise they just don't go to the strip have you ever been in that bar on the top of Vegas uh the top of uh the is it mandalay bay i think it's mandalay bay the bar on the top where it looks out over like it's like the most insane view or something like that yeah it's insane and you you get up there and you look out at all that neon and all that craziness and it literally is like an image of the future from a science fiction movie like if you were in the 1920s or something like that and people like imagine what do you think it's going to be like in 2015 well this is what they would probably imagine see the thing I love about Vegas and I've always said if somebody came from another country they're like I want to see America I got five days we're going to Vegas because you know you get you get like the buffet at circus circus right and you see you see the American hillbilly in his you know natural habitat Right?

[1242] And then you go to like the Bellagio and you see that, you know, the beautiful millionaires and you just, that's the thing I love about Vegas.

[1243] Like it is the craziest, if you watch the strip, you will see the craziest collision of cultures, you know.

[1244] That's true.

[1245] Is that a pimp talking to a Kansas City grandma?

[1246] Yeah, this is Vegas.

[1247] Yeah, and that's a genuine pimp right there in a green suit.

[1248] Yeah, he's right there walking the strip.

[1249] You know, you just, that's what i love about vegas it is it is the best and worst of america it's like fine dining you know what i mean like just the you know steakhouse with the greatest cut of meat you've ever had or you know 399 all you can eat shrimp oh yeah that's shrimp nathan's hot dogs yeah there's the circus circus is a classic the riviera used to be classic but they're tearing that fucker down all the It's all, now it's all the corporate mall casinos where you can't tell which one you're in.

[1250] Yeah.

[1251] Well, they're just trying to rake up money, especially they were hit hard during the downtime of the economy.

[1252] When 2008, when the economy crashed, I was in Vegas and I was asking one of the guys who was a cab driver, I said, what do you think?

[1253] Like, what's the down?

[1254] Like, how much is it down here?

[1255] And he goes, it's about 50%.

[1256] Yeah.

[1257] 50%.

[1258] They laid off a ton of people like the hotels were empty.

[1259] and all those, yeah, cab drivers and all that other stuff, a lot of them lost.

[1260] All the service people, all the people that were, you know, dependent upon folks hopping around town and also giving out tips.

[1261] Yeah.

[1262] You know, and people in the money is tight, those tips are the first thing that dry up.

[1263] Yeah.

[1264] Like, you're on your own, bitch.

[1265] You know, that whole industry of people relying on people coming there.

[1266] That's a very tricky thing.

[1267] And then the housing thing dropped.

[1268] They built all those condos and all of that.

[1269] You remember Shane of Tosh?

[1270] No, no. Shea Matosh, this is a comic from a comedy store.

[1271] She accidentally married two different gay guys.

[1272] She's fucking hilarious.

[1273] She married two different dudes, and it turns out they were gay.

[1274] I'm like, you're fucking attracting gay guys?

[1275] But she bought a house out there for like $100 ,000.

[1276] Yeah.

[1277] And she said, it's amazing.

[1278] She's a great house in a nice neighborhood.

[1279] She goes, I got a yard.

[1280] I got a great kitchen.

[1281] I know a few people who did that.

[1282] Yeah, you can get a real house there.

[1283] A buddy Don Barnhart.

[1284] He did that.

[1285] He moved there, bought a nice house, you know, him and his wife.

[1286] and he's been there for years.

[1287] And if you live in L .A., the idea of a nice $100 ,000 house, it's like a fucking unicorn.

[1288] Like, what are you talking about?

[1289] $100 ,000, that's it?

[1290] That's all you have to pay?

[1291] That's a down payment on a house.

[1292] Yeah.

[1293] But, you know, in America, you see that.

[1294] You know what I mean?

[1295] Like, I was in Indianapolis, and I don't know if you ever did Bob and Tom.

[1296] Yeah.

[1297] And so you know the house is out there.

[1298] Yeah.

[1299] And I was like, so how much of these guys?

[1300] I was like, ah, it's about $3 .50.

[1301] Yeah.

[1302] Four.

[1303] What?

[1304] What?

[1305] Like, my townhouse costs more than, like, I could live like a king.

[1306] Yeah, you could have a palace in Indianapolis.

[1307] But I got to live in Indianapolis.

[1308] That is the problem.

[1309] Would all do respect to Indianapolis.

[1310] It's not happening.

[1311] We all do respect, Alonzo staying in L .A. But you got to think, like, we were talking about with Tany Pasquitelli, as a touring comic, you really, you know, your home becomes just a base and you travel out of it.

[1312] If you have somewhere with, I remember Shimmel telling me, because Shimmel moved to some.

[1313] Scottsdale.

[1314] And he said, man, I got a beautiful house.

[1315] He said, I got a great airport.

[1316] He said, that's all you need.

[1317] He said, if you're a road comic, if you got a good airport, you can live anywhere you want.

[1318] Yeah, that is all you need.

[1319] But when you leave L .A. or New York, you give up the weekday spots and you give up the auditions and this and, like, there is an aspect of the business you give up when you leave New York and L .A. The weekday spots are big.

[1320] The weekday spots and also being around great comics, you know, Tom Rhodes just moved to L .A., and Tom had been, Tom has been, like, living like a vagabond.

[1321] Like, he just lives out of his suitcase, been living hotel to hotel for years.

[1322] I think for like five years he hasn't had an actual address.

[1323] And he came to the comedy store, and it was like a Friday night or something like that, and he saw, you know, Burr was on, I was on, just a packed fucking room, just mad, Just one smash after another, like all these people were there that were really high level.

[1324] It was just a great night of comedy.

[1325] Neil Brennan killed.

[1326] I think Chappelle might have stopped in that night.

[1327] It was just madness.

[1328] And then he said, I got a fucking, I got to move here.

[1329] He was like, I can't.

[1330] He goes, I'm not seeing good comedy.

[1331] Yeah, it's too easy to rest when you're on the road.

[1332] And then you come here, even last week, like Tuesday night, when we did Don.

[1333] show.

[1334] And it was like me, Joey, and you with Dom Herrera, you know.

[1335] That's, I don't get that in Indy.

[1336] You're not going to get that.

[1337] And it you, it elevates your own level because, you know, you realize, like I got to ramp my game up, you know?

[1338] Yeah.

[1339] Yeah.

[1340] And like we were saying before, that joke you did about Wiggers, like Joey and I were like howling on the phone laughing about that one joke.

[1341] We're cracking.

[1342] Like that's important for comics to have.

[1343] Yeah, you have to get into into town and New York now is going crazy like that but it but it it pushes you because you're like man like these guys are good like I got to stay sharp and now you have the next generation coming up and they're doing like I like working some of those alternative rooms and some of those youngster rooms just to be around something different like not the bullshit side but the ones who are real comics but they're coming up and they're they're just funny but they're doing it in a different way yeah yeah i like being around that well there's a group that are coming up now that grew up with the internet yeah this is the first the first generation of stand -up comedians these guys that are in their early 20s you got to think 1994 20 fucking one years ago that's when the internet came around yeah they all grew up with the internet when they were five and six years old all technology is normal to them totally normal and a part of life so we start talking about looking at encyclopedias.

[1344] I'm like, would you break out the scrolls of the elders?

[1345] Did you go to the sacred cabin in the woods where they kept the scrolls?

[1346] And then the other side, when you see older comics who don't change their act, so they'll make like a videotape reference, and you're like videotape, that's the worst.

[1347] You know, and you've got to set the clock on your set the clock.

[1348] What?

[1349] You've heard someone do a joke like that recently?

[1350] In the past three years, I've heard set the clock on the BCR.

[1351] There's nothing sadder than a lot of these guys that just don't write anymore.

[1352] There's something about, like, musicians can pull that off.

[1353] Like musicians from the 1960s can do the same songs.

[1354] If you went to see, you know, fill in the blank, you know, whatever band.

[1355] And they were doing some shit from the 1960s.

[1356] You'd be like, oh, shit, that's a great song.

[1357] But if you went to see a comic and they were doing jokes from the 1960s, you'd be like, what kind of sadness?

[1358] am I looking at.

[1359] Like I said, I do these jazz cruises.

[1360] And I love it because I get to work with some of the greatest jazz musicians in the world.

[1361] And they're brilliant.

[1362] But I bring that up.

[1363] And they love when I fuck with them about it because I'm like, look, I got to do a show Monday and then I do another show Friday.

[1364] And I got to do two different shows.

[1365] You are playing some shit Miles Davis wrote in 1947.

[1366] And they think you're a fucking genius.

[1367] You are playing some shit that Dizzy Gillespie played after the war.

[1368] That would be World War II and they think you're brilliant.

[1369] But I fuck with him.

[1370] They love it though.

[1371] Because it is true when you're a musician and if you have a hit song you have to play that song.

[1372] No matter how old it is or whatever it is like you have to do that song and like if I do a joke we heard that one and I can never be like all right this is from Eddie Murphy and Delirious It's 1983.

[1373] I'd like to do Gunny Goohoo.

[1374] Yeah.

[1375] There's no cover comics.

[1376] There used to be, do you remember Elon Gold?

[1377] Yeah.

[1378] He used to do impressions of comedians and doing it with their own material.

[1379] Yeah.

[1380] But then people started getting mad at them.

[1381] Because his impressions were dead on.

[1382] He did amazing impressions.

[1383] But he would do it with their material.

[1384] But that's funny because you're doing it.

[1385] You're not doing it as if you came up with it yourself.

[1386] Right, right, right.

[1387] But he still had a time.

[1388] stopped doing it.

[1389] He got in trouble a little bit.

[1390] People got mad at him.

[1391] I don't know who got mad at him, but that's what I had heard.

[1392] So then he started doing impressions of these comics with material that he wrote.

[1393] I heard some guy did an hour of Patrice and put it on YouTube as if it was his own.

[1394] Well, he had done a bunch of other stuff that Patrice had done in the past and not acknowledged it and he tried to pretend that it was obviously just an homage to Patrice, but it wasn't.

[1395] He wasn't.

[1396] He's just a plagiarist.

[1397] That's insane people are insane yeah people think they can get away with shit there's a lot of nutty people out there that think that they're going to sneak by and you know some of them do because the audience doesn't know you know we know but the audience doesn't so yeah so you fool the audience there's some guys to this day that it snuck by you tell people that guy he got famous by being a plagiarist you're like what and you go yeah go google it and you'll tell them they'll go google it and I'm like, what?

[1398] Yeah, but they don't care.

[1399] They do.

[1400] They do.

[1401] You know what you can always tell?

[1402] I don't know.

[1403] I wonder if the artist cares.

[1404] Like if the comic or the whoever, you know what I mean?

[1405] They care.

[1406] Look what you said.

[1407] You know it when you're, like you can bullshit the crowd and you can make, you can make millions of dollars.

[1408] Mm -hmm.

[1409] But then you're in the room or you're on the show with the real comics.

[1410] And you know, just same thing with singers.

[1411] You know what I mean?

[1412] If you're, if you're one of these singers with.

[1413] the machine is doing it but now you're in a situation like oh shit like award show yeah these are like like you call yourself a diva but aretha franklin's in the room and you're like oh oh shit this this isn't going to go wrong they care because like what you were saying like that the respect of the old guard like the respect of respected comedians like coming up to like you like you know we've all had like i tell that the the the damon wayans I'll never, I'll never forget that.

[1414] Because it's in the parking line.

[1415] I was like, whoa, he probably doesn't even remember.

[1416] Right.

[1417] You know, but just becoming friends with Robert Schimmel.

[1418] You know, I'm like, I'm really friends with Robert Schumel.

[1419] Like, he's a real comic, and I'm friends with him.

[1420] I'm like, I guess I'm a comic now.

[1421] Like, I can be a comedian.

[1422] Like, it doesn't seem, like, now we both, we've been around so long.

[1423] It's just normal.

[1424] But damn, the beginning is so fucking shaky.

[1425] Yeah.

[1426] And you still, I think there'll always be some moments with some comics where you, You're like, wow, that's really cool that I notice.

[1427] I'm friends with this guy or whatever.

[1428] So those guys don't have that.

[1429] Those guys know that we know that they're full of shit.

[1430] Yeah.

[1431] That eats away at them.

[1432] I mean, that always ate away at Mancia.

[1433] Those one of Mancia's biggest things is that no comics liked them.

[1434] Right.

[1435] Those biggest things that you never got anybody's respect that used to chew away at them.

[1436] Yeah, it's a tough place.

[1437] And then the other thing that's funny is when they take an actor and they call them a comic.

[1438] You know, like that's what happened with Michael Richards You know, that's what happened with Richard It was like You're not a comic You know what happened with Michael Richards The same shit that got you arrested Yeah Michael Richards came to the comedy store Before he went to the laugh factory Coked out of his mind And he was just all real aggressive And talking crazy shit And just wasn't just was out of it Just out of it But I watched him Go up at the comedy store And my initial thought was like Oh, shit.

[1439] I didn't even know Michael Richard's stand -up.

[1440] And he would go on stage and the audience went nuts.

[1441] But then three minutes in, they were like, when does this guy start telling jokes?

[1442] Right.

[1443] Like, when did it?

[1444] What he'd do, I'd watch him, and it'd be done.

[1445] Then he would just do a Seinfeld move, like the head shake.

[1446] Oh, something like that from Seinfeld, and the crowd would love it.

[1447] For a little bit.

[1448] Nothing.

[1449] Yeah.

[1450] Well, you got to, you know, that's the thing.

[1451] That's the beauty of stand -up, no matter who you are, right?

[1452] even Seinfeld said that like no matter who you are you got to be funny like he was like being Jerry Seinfeld got me the first five minutes yeah and then they're like all right what else you got yeah I mean this fucking shows an hour long dude you've got to come with some thunder what do you this Cosby thing man we're we're talking about that about like how this guy for the longest time was thought of as like one of the all -time greats and now people look at them and they think well he's a guy that's just he's just a piece of shit yeah like that that flip flop between being like this respected adored idolized all -time great comedians like if you had to pick a mount rushmore stand -up comedy there's only four guys on there one of those fucking guys until the last year one of those guys is going to be bill cosby yeah you know i'm so torn because i love cosby i think cosby's one of the greatest if not the greatest of all time definitely would be on the mount Rushmore.

[1453] So now it's like, okay, still a great comic, but bad guy.

[1454] Yeah.

[1455] You know, at best flawed human being.

[1456] But I don't understand, I'll never understand the motive.

[1457] It had to be, and it's just my opinion, there had to be some weird fetish involved.

[1458] Because it's not like you can't get laid if you're Bill Cosby.

[1459] I think he probably...

[1460] So there had to be some kind of weird turn on or something, you know, like I'd be interested in what a psychologist would say, like, why does someone do this?

[1461] I think a lot of people used to do it.

[1462] That's what I think.

[1463] You think so?

[1464] I think in the 1960s, dosing people wasn't, you know how we were talking about drunk driving?

[1465] Yeah.

[1466] In the early days, drunk drive was no big deal.

[1467] I think they used to think the same way about dosing people, you know, because Bill Cosby used to have a whole bit about Spanish fly, about giving a girl.

[1468] A slip in a girl a Mickey And she gets all horny and fucked up I mean that's you're drugging someone Yeah against their will They don't know it I think that was a normal thing I think not it was never a good thing And you know ethical moral Right Reasonable people never did it But I think it was way more common Than we would like to believe Yeah maybe People doced people I think it was like You remember that scene In Animal House Where the girls passed out The dudes get the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other show.

[1469] You know, like, you leave her alone.

[1470] Fucker, fucker brains out.

[1471] Sucker tits.

[1472] Like, you couldn't even do that today.

[1473] You couldn't have that in the movie day because that's rape.

[1474] Yeah.

[1475] But back then, it was like there was at least the possibility that this guy was considering having sex with this passed out woman.

[1476] And then today, the drug thing, like the Cosby thing, drugging someone is thought of as a heinous crime.

[1477] Like, you drugged people and you raped him.

[1478] It's a heinous crime.

[1479] Well, and it was then.

[1480] But, yeah, you're maybe.

[1481] society looked on it differently, or maybe it was something amongst the boys that you did.

[1482] I don't, I don't really know.

[1483] Playboy Mansion and it's, you know, it's horrible for everyone involved.

[1484] You know what I mean?

[1485] It's horrible for the women involved.

[1486] It's horrible for what's happened to his lifelong reputation is all gone now.

[1487] You know, and it's almost, it was like with Michael Jackson, like there's a generation that only thought of him as a freak.

[1488] and it's like you guys really don't understand who he was musically through the 70s and 80s because in the 90s he just became a freak show when I was a kid there was a radio station in in LA or in Boston rather it was called the Rock of Boston I think it was called W -C -O -Z I think that's what it was and they played Michael Jackson when Michael Jackson came out and I remember the DJ saying Look, I know what you're saying That this is dance music, but listen This is just a great song And the guy played I think it was I'm trying to remember what song it was It might have been beat it I don't know what it was But it was like that Like Thriller, when Thriller came out Everybody just stepped back And just went what the fuck This is just genius on a level That no one had been able to reach before Yeah, I did this award thing And they were giving an award to Quincy Jones, you know, and he produced Thriller.

[1489] And I was joking with him about it.

[1490] I said, you know, Quincy Jones, the brothers didn't know who Eddie Van Halen was.

[1491] What did Eddie Van Halen doing on a Michael Jackson record?

[1492] Like, only Quincy would think, yeah, let's get the baddest rock guitarist and have him do a solo with Michael Jackson.

[1493] And the brothers was like, who?

[1494] He played guitar, you know.

[1495] But that was, yeah, and people don't know, like, and the videos.

[1496] Yeah.

[1497] Like, because that was when video just started.

[1498] And he had dance shit, like when he did that thing in Smooth Criminal where he leaned forward, you're like, that's not humanly possible.

[1499] Yeah.

[1500] You know?

[1501] No, he was like no one before him.

[1502] There was no one that you could compare him to.

[1503] Right.

[1504] Like you could say, you look at Elvis and you go, yeah, Elvis was a really good singer and a good performer, but Elvis kind of borrowed a little bit from the old rhythm and blues guys, and they borrowed a little bit from the way Chuck Barry used to dance.

[1505] And there was a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

[1506] When Michael Jackson came along, you got to go, okay, compare that to anything.

[1507] And the other thing about Michael Jackson, and I always said that this is the part people don't talk about.

[1508] Like, he was world famous at 10.

[1509] Like, when you talk about he's fucked up, but can you imagine everyone in the world knowing who you were when you're like 10 years old?

[1510] Like, you know, by the time you're 15 adult women pass out, like, can you imagine walking into a a room and having people pass out.

[1511] Just because you walked in a room, they're overcome and they literally faint.

[1512] Like, how does that affect you, you know, as a person?

[1513] Well, I think we all have that weird effect when we meet someone who we can't believe we're really meeting them.

[1514] We're just, like, whoa, we've all been starstruck before.

[1515] We've all had that weird effect.

[1516] Even if it's at a low level, like, you know, you're at a comedy club when Chris Rock shows up.

[1517] Right.

[1518] Like, like, whoa, shit, Chris, I mean, you could be a professional comic.

[1519] and Louis C .K. is there.

[1520] You're like, oh, shit, Louis C .K. is here.

[1521] When that guy would walk into a room, it was that times a million.

[1522] Right.

[1523] There was nothing like it, and no way to prepare for it, and he never had a normal life.

[1524] Like, you were talking about your career as an airplane mechanic, and, like, you knew regular people, you had regular jobs, you'd been in jail, you know, the whole deal.

[1525] You ran the whole gamut as a grown adult human being.

[1526] This kid, remember when he was in the Jackson 5 and his...

[1527] fucking brothers, his brothers, who were all grown -ass men, had to sit back and watch their little brother just run shit because their dad gave birth to this one just super genius.

[1528] Like they had all these kids, and everybody was really talented, LaToya and Janet and Jermaine, everybody was talented.

[1529] But then there was this little motherfucker, the last one out of the box that just had magic.

[1530] Right.

[1531] He had magic.

[1532] And then you're getting back to Cosby what you were talking about.

[1533] The other thing is, like, How many hundred million dollars did he give to United Negro College Fund?

[1534] Like, there are kids like, yeah, Bill Cosby paid for my college education.

[1535] You know what I mean?

[1536] So it's just such a weird thing.

[1537] Well, that's often, like, human beings that are flawed.

[1538] They're not flawed in every way.

[1539] Right.

[1540] They're not all bad.

[1541] And there's a lot of people that do terrible things, but they're actually really good with other things.

[1542] Yeah, it's, you know.

[1543] Yeah.

[1544] It's crazy.

[1545] It's crazy.

[1546] My friend Eddie has an interesting theory about Bill Cosby.

[1547] He said, you know what?

[1548] At the end of the day, Bill Cosby, even though he was super famous and he probably got turned down.

[1549] He probably got turned down occasionally.

[1550] It probably drove him crazy and didn't like it.

[1551] And so one of the stories that I was listening, I was reading rather, where the girl was talking about her experiences of Bill Cosby, that it started out, this like mentor, friendship sort of relationship, then eventually he drugged her and then fucked her while she was passed out.

[1552] and that she just felt violated and horrible, but it was this mentor thing that he would angle in first.

[1553] And then when he couldn't get the pussy that way, he was like, oh, okay, have a cappuccino.

[1554] You want a cappuccino?

[1555] Here you go, boom.

[1556] And the next thing you know, she's passed out.

[1557] Like, he got tired of working for it and decided to just go back to his bag of tricks.

[1558] Might have been.

[1559] Again, I have no idea because I can't imagine.

[1560] It's also, you know, because it's something I can't imagine.

[1561] imagine doing so I don't know what the motivation would be yeah you know what I mean like it's it's it's so evil yeah yeah but you know this woman was on television talking about it and uh I think she was a lawyer and she was saying you know they were talking about the legal ramifications and apparently one of these women her accusation is inside of the statute of limitations yeah but they're not going to bring him to trial you don't think so no what do you think it's going to cost some lot of money he's going to pay uh you know whether they whether it be some like i think it's gloria all red has the class action yeah lawsuits so whether it's like okay we give her a ton of money and she divides it up amongst the women or she goes on a fucking crazy trip and buys the rolls royce and fingers herself with a gold dildo or they come up with something else like you know what i thought was was like weird and it was funny but in a horrible way with jerry Oh, yeah.

[1562] Where Jared paid like $1 .4 million so that 14 victims get $100 ,000 each.

[1563] And it was like, okay, so 14 kids who he solicited, he offered money for sex.

[1564] The solution is to pay them each $100 ,000 out of the settlement.

[1565] That shit just, you know, it's a horrible thing to laugh at.

[1566] But it's like, isn't there something wrong with that?

[1567] But that's how it's going to go down.

[1568] Well, there's another parallel that Jared and Bill Cosby are alike in that Bill Cosby is undoubtedly a piece of shit, right?

[1569] At this point in time, anybody thinks he's not guilty.

[1570] You've got to be crazy, right?

[1571] So he's a piece of shit, but he's also one of the greatest comics of all time.

[1572] You can't take that away from him.

[1573] And Jared from Subway, he's still lost 100 pounds.

[1574] No matter what he said, that's hard.

[1575] It's hard to lose 100 pounds.

[1576] He might have fucked a few kids, but that guy lost 100 pounds.

[1577] And he did it eating shitty sandwiches.

[1578] So it's even more impressive.

[1579] I mean, if you're eating Subway sandwiches and still losing 100 pounds, you're fucking put in some work.

[1580] How bad is it?

[1581] It's running uphill.

[1582] That Jared gets to say, well, I got one thing in common, Cosby.

[1583] Like, yeah.

[1584] Not really.

[1585] That's not.

[1586] No, nothing in common.

[1587] What a fucking freak.

[1588] What a fucking freaky creep.

[1589] And again, nobody knew it when his best friend was like a pedophile.

[1590] How did his best friend come out as a pedophile?

[1591] Is that recent?

[1592] that a recent discovery that's how they that's how they found him was through his best friend i don't know when they knew it about his best friend but his best friend like ran his charity organization and i don't know if his friend was a registered sex offender or when it came up but that's how they that's what led to jared first the friend and then really yeah i did not know that yeah now that you're saying that i remember briefly i by the time i was it was on my radar He was already arrested.

[1593] Yeah.

[1594] He was already going to jail.

[1595] No, I first heard about it when his friend got arrested.

[1596] And they were like, this guy runs Jared's charity organization.

[1597] And I don't know if he had anything to do with kids, like if it was like, you know, Little League or whatever.

[1598] But there was something wrong with this guy being involved in the charity and helping children.

[1599] There's no worse because they're both awful, but somehow it is worse.

[1600] Somehow fucking kids is worse than drugging people and having sex with them.

[1601] Yeah.

[1602] I mean, when you do it with kids.

[1603] It's all worse.

[1604] It's all sick.

[1605] But I think the thing about kids is like kids aren't sexual.

[1606] Yeah.

[1607] You know, women are women like if you have a sexual attraction to women that is normal.

[1608] I mean, drugging them and raping them isn't, but they are women.

[1609] But with kids, there's nothing sexual about a kid.

[1610] Well, how old were they?

[1611] Didn't you have sex with some 15 -year -old?

[1612] They're probably pretty sexual.

[1613] They might have been, but I think some, I don't know, well, they, they only, part of his plea was only one count.

[1614] So he's only, like, in other words, they're only charging him with one, even though there were others involved.

[1615] But even so, you know something, you know what's funny about that?

[1616] Like, you talk about a 15 -year -old.

[1617] And, like, we were talking about this the other night, you know, like when the 50 -year -old guy has the 16 -year -old.

[1618] A 15, 16 -year -old girl could be hot, but she's still 15 or 16, if you're an adult man. If you're over 20, 21, like, you're still like.

[1619] If you're 18 and a girl's 16, that makes sense.

[1620] Yeah.

[1621] If you're 48.

[1622] Yeah.

[1623] She's a kid.

[1624] That's a kid.

[1625] And she may have developed.

[1626] She may have the body.

[1627] She may, you know, walk around half naked.

[1628] Don't be alone with her.

[1629] But it's like, you can't.

[1630] Yeah.

[1631] You're going to get out of the room.

[1632] It's still a kid.

[1633] It just doesn't, you know, it's not the same thing.

[1634] The problem with one of someone who's developed, though, the instincts are horrible.

[1635] Instincts are horrible.

[1636] If you got a girl like that girl I was talking about in Houston that Ian and I met that had this tiny waist, this big, juicy ass, like, she was a grown woman.

[1637] But if she was, she's probably built like that when she was 14.

[1638] I had a buddy.

[1639] He used to, he's a principal now, but he taught high school when he was like 23, 24.

[1640] So he's the guy that the 16 and 17 -year -old.

[1641] girls they want him because he's and it was like man I don't know how you do it I don't know how you do it because these girls are coming at you hard and their bodies are perfect and they're wearing nothing you know what I mean because they're 16 right so they're wearing it's like and and they're just starting to be aware of it yeah yeah and they and he's a man like he's not the 17 year old boy like he's a man but he's not an old man right like he's not old creepy and they're only a few months away from legally fucking him man I he he was a better man than me I was like I couldn't let me tell you something when in my early 20s I have to work at a high school when I was in um high school there was this kid that was a not kid guy would be a kid now if I was talking about him because he was in his 20s he's a Spanish teacher and uh he fuck one of my friends yeah she was 15 or she was uh at the time I think I actually I think she was 17 but still you know he was fucking her she was in high school yeah it happens and he was a spanish teacher and he was fucking her it happens and this is pre -internet she couldn't rat him out yeah but it's not pre -dad got a gun yeah yeah yeah yeah no it's not pre -dad got a gun because that's some shit that they will not convict you well ages of consent are very strange man it's it gets and there's also it's a weird gray areas that come along with ages of consent like here's one of the issues that's happening right now with kids and technology is that young people are taking photographs of themselves naked and passing it out to their friends and then getting busted for child pornography.

[1642] Like there was a girl that she's 15 years old and she would send dudes pictures of her pussy and you know just and it sent it to him and text messages the cops arrested her and charged her with trafficking child pornography to other children.

[1643] Yeah, that's it's one of those.

[1644] that if they want to bring you down, they can use that charge.

[1645] But they couldn't.

[1646] She wound up getting clear to it because the judge was like, what the fuck are you doing?

[1647] Like, what do you, why do you, why are you not out there arresting robbers?

[1648] Yeah.

[1649] Like, why are you trying to stop a young girl from showing a picture of her pussy?

[1650] Yeah, it's one of those things, like I said, they can charge them with it.

[1651] They don't always.

[1652] Yeah.

[1653] But there's a time, like, if they want to bring you down, they can, I think it's one of those things they use as a threat against you.

[1654] But again, it's just, you know, I. I do not want any 15 -year -old pussy pictures on my phone.

[1655] I don't, you know, you hear me joke about it.

[1656] Like, they're young, no, I don't, too much trouble, too much drama, energy, whatever.

[1657] Nope, no thanks.

[1658] I got a friend who's a dentist, and he's in his 50s, and he's divorced, and he's talking about dating.

[1659] We're talking about it, and I go, I go, do you, like, how old are the other girls that you date?

[1660] He goes, well, here's the thing.

[1661] And he goes, I don't mind a mature lady.

[1662] He goes, I don't mind a lady my age.

[1663] He goes, I'm not a young guy anymore.

[1664] He goes, I'm 58 years old.

[1665] He goes, I'm just looking for some nice company and go to dinner.

[1666] And he goes, but he goes, there's two different things going on.

[1667] He goes, you got the younger ones that are like in their 30s?

[1668] They just want to fuck.

[1669] He goes, they want to fuck.

[1670] And then they want to get out of there.

[1671] And he goes, then you get the older ones.

[1672] They want to settle down, but they want everything to be their way.

[1673] Yeah.

[1674] Because they're all like, they're in their 40s.

[1675] These are grown.

[1676] They're not malleable.

[1677] You know, and that was interesting.

[1678] He was talking about how he goes.

[1679] These women are set in their ways.

[1680] Well, I'm that guy, you know.

[1681] I'm the old bachelor.

[1682] And, yeah.

[1683] How old are you now?

[1684] I'm 53.

[1685] Damn, you look good.

[1686] Black don't crack.

[1687] Black don't crack.

[1688] It just ends badly one day, you know.

[1689] But you look great for 53, though, man. You could seriously pose for 35.

[1690] Easy.

[1691] The girls, in their 20s, it's just too young.

[1692] Like, on occasion, if I get some 20 -year -old pussy, it's a gift.

[1693] from the gods yeah god was like all right i'm gonna give you this don't get attached to it just you know just enjoy the day no kids no kids wow how'd you do that so uh started comedy late started comedy at 30 so in my 30s when most people have kids and star relations i was an open micer and i did not want the obligation of a family you know it's hard man i i have a friend who is married and And he has children, and he's just starting out doing comedy, and he doesn't know what to do.

[1694] And he can't struggle the way we struggled.

[1695] Right.

[1696] He can't go and just do a set for $75, $5 -hour drive away, and all that shit.

[1697] You can't do all that.

[1698] So that was that was that.

[1699] But, you know, dating, like, I started seeing this woman, and she's in her late 40s, and it's fantastic because she's got a son, but he's, you know, almost like he's in his late teens, so that's not a big hassle.

[1700] And she's a woman.

[1701] She's comfortable with who she is and everything's cool and stuff.

[1702] But, yeah, and then you get some, the worst ones for me, early to mid -30s, when a date is an interview.

[1703] So, when you do find the right girl, how long do you think it would be before you got married?

[1704] Yeah, yeah.

[1705] So why don't you have kids?

[1706] Are you open to it?

[1707] Do you think about it?

[1708] You know, blah, blah.

[1709] lies what do you say to that uh i tell him like look it just didn't i didn't have the right one at the right time i said now i'm open to it it could happen but i'm not really looking at being an old dad you know i joke about it like if i have a kid now when he's 16 if i say you can't have the car and he says yes i can there ain't shit i'm going to be able to do about it and be like son of a bitch took my car give me 69 yeah son of a bitch took my car damn look at stowloon at 69 he's fucking yoke still yeah yeah some guys do it and stay in the gym smoke that crack and fucking hit those weights some guys do it and some guys have that i could have it you know like they say you could as a man you could always have a kid but do you want to and uh i think now it would be more likely like if i met a woman who had a young kid and i took him on as a stepchild or something like that that would be more likely to happen how crazy is that you're 53 and joey's 52 yeah yeah that's living that's living that's fucking hard miles baby you know something man you know something we'll all be gone and joey'll still be here and probably like cockroaches like that's how it you know that's how it happens isn't it true with comics that comics either die too young or live forever yeah a lot of them right you don't you don't hear about a comic dying at 68 years old that's true I think laughter is the best medicine like that idea is I think there is something real about the fact that you're making people laugh all the time, you're having a good time, a lot of laughter and fun.

[1710] I mean, we have more laughs on a regular basis than a great percentage of the people.

[1711] Yeah, because our friends are the funniest people in the world.

[1712] Like if you and I, like you and out the other night, Tuesday night hanging out at the laugh factor, we were just howling laughing, just howl.

[1713] ah ha ha ha and then you leave there your whole body's like ah you're energized and you do that all the time and there's nothing terrible i mean our whole work day was like we both did 20 minutes sets right well this is it like people ask me what are you doing today i'm doing joe's podcast like that's my this my job today but the i think the other thing is we don't stop doing it yeah you know because like my business manager she's like well you know we got this retirement thing set up and this and i said really When have you ever heard of a comic retiring?

[1714] I said, we die.

[1715] That's what we do.

[1716] We do this, and then we die.

[1717] We might work less.

[1718] Well, you'll find a different niche.

[1719] Like, it may end up doing the old folks' home circuit in Florida, you know, but I'm still going to be doing my 20 -minute spots at 7 o 'clock.

[1720] But look at Carlin.

[1721] I'm doing 20 after Jello.

[1722] Didn't Carlin die in a hotel room somewhere?

[1723] Yeah, on the road or whatever, you know.

[1724] Just died in his hotel room.

[1725] Well, even, what's the name, George Burns.

[1726] Like, he died at 100, but, like, he did his last set at his 100th birthday or something.

[1727] Like, you know what I mean?

[1728] Like, and I remember, I remember when Rodney was coming to the Laugh Factory, you know, in his last days, Rodney was coming to the Laugh factory in a bathrobe.

[1729] Yep.

[1730] Remember that?

[1731] Dude, yeah.

[1732] He would just come down the hill from his house and his robe.

[1733] Well, he performed in front of arenas in a bathrobe.

[1734] Yeah.

[1735] I was working when I was not.

[1736] 19 years old, that Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts.

[1737] It's like this performing art center.

[1738] And I was backstage.

[1739] I was one of the security guards.

[1740] And Rodney was backstage, and I watched him walk around with a bath robot.

[1741] Well, that's how Rickles was.

[1742] But that's because in that, back in the day, you didn't put your pants on because you would mess up the crease.

[1743] So we were doing, yeah.

[1744] So when we, there was a Seinfeld episode about that, but it really is true.

[1745] When Rickles was backstage in Montreal, he was in a rope.

[1746] I'm going to start before.

[1747] forming in a robe.

[1748] No. Fuck it.

[1749] Fuck it.

[1750] I don't know.

[1751] I don't know.

[1752] I don't know if you're a robe guy.

[1753] Slippers, a robe.

[1754] No underwear.

[1755] It's slippers.

[1756] Where do you buy slippers?

[1757] I think you can only get slippers for the month before Christmas.

[1758] Like, I think that's the only time slippers are for sale.

[1759] I guess you get them online.

[1760] That's about it.

[1761] I've never seen a store that sells slippers.

[1762] What are you doing?

[1763] I'm going online.

[1764] I'm looking for slippers.

[1765] You know, Rodney was partying until the fucking very end, too.

[1766] That was one of the things that people said about Rodney.

[1767] He was doing blow and drinking and having a great time smoking joints, smoke joints for every show to the bitter end.

[1768] Why not?

[1769] Why not?

[1770] You know, because if you're Rodney, you can.

[1771] Well, he said.

[1772] What's somebody going to tell you?

[1773] Hey, hey, Rodney.

[1774] Slow down.

[1775] We don't want you high before this show.

[1776] Well, Rodney is one of those crazy stories, too, because he took a long.

[1777] time off and was like an aluminum siding sales.

[1778] Right, he raised his family or something and then went back to comedy.

[1779] In his 40s.

[1780] I think it was like 46 when he went back to comedy and then hit and then did, you know, all those movies and all that crazy shit.

[1781] Yeah, there I am with Rickles in his robe backstage.

[1782] That's a classic picture, man. Oh my God.

[1783] That is classic.

[1784] Look at him with the knee -high socks in his robe.

[1785] Dude, send that to me. I want to put that on Instagram.

[1786] Yeah, I will.

[1787] That's awesome.

[1788] That's hilarious.

[1789] That was, you know, different generation.

[1790] Different generation, and someone's going to be saying that about us someday.

[1791] Yeah.

[1792] Those guys used to work in T -shirts.

[1793] What were they thinking?

[1794] Those guys used to, there was no internet when they started.

[1795] They had to promote themselves by going to local radio shows.

[1796] People would be like, ew, they had radio back then?

[1797] But that works.

[1798] Sometimes.

[1799] You know?

[1800] If it was a good market.

[1801] Yeah, or if it's the morning guy who's, been there for 30 years.

[1802] And you get on his show.

[1803] Do they still have those?

[1804] There's a guy in Rochester, Weez.

[1805] Oh, yeah.

[1806] Brother Wees.

[1807] Brother Wees.

[1808] Brother Wees is still around.

[1809] Still kicking it.

[1810] Yeah.

[1811] And it's like in the morning in Rochester, everyone listens to Brother Wees.

[1812] Like you literally go on there and sell out your show.

[1813] Wow.

[1814] Yeah.

[1815] There's a few of those guys, Johnny Dare in Kansas City.

[1816] Yeah.

[1817] There's a few of those guys that are still out there.

[1818] There used to be a good one in Phoenix.

[1819] I wonder if there's still, there's been a few that, like, still, but it's fucking hard, man. Yeah, now it's the syndicated guys have taken over the whole country.

[1820] Yeah, guys like a Bob and Tom that have, like, a hundred different markets.

[1821] Or, um, Steve, uh, Steve Harvey.

[1822] Does he do that?

[1823] Right, yeah, he's got a big radio show, Tom Joyner.

[1824] Steve Harvey's one of those dudes, like, he's got so many jobs.

[1825] He does so many things, and he puts out a new book, like, every year.

[1826] Does he write those books?

[1827] I think he probably wrote the first one I don't know how much he writes I don't know how much more but it's not and the funny thing is it's not like any genius advice you know what I mean like well if you want to keep a good man don't be a hoe you know like like wear you dress a little longer put away your hoe shoes you know stuff like that's like oh yeah I never thought of that oh so I shouldn't be a hoe he's an odd character that Steve Harvey I met him once for a little.

[1828] We joked around a little while.

[1829] He was hosting the Apollo, and I did it.

[1830] And it was cool, but I don't know him.

[1831] You know, I don't have any relationship with him.

[1832] I had somebody the other day text me, can I get them tickets to Kevin Hart?

[1833] Shit, I couldn't get me tickets to Kevin Hart.

[1834] I did BET with Kevin Hart once in 01.

[1835] I don't think Kevin's going to stop shit and say, Oh, fuck, Alonzo's at the door?

[1836] Well, they think that we know everybody.

[1837] That you know everybody.

[1838] There's so many people in that business.

[1839] But even when you know people, there's certain times when it's a little, I think it's a little awkward to hit them up.

[1840] Yeah.

[1841] You know, like Chappelle was doing a bunch of shows in Montreal.

[1842] And I know him.

[1843] I don't know him well, but I know him.

[1844] But I just bought tickets.

[1845] I'm not going to, you know what I mean?

[1846] Try to get to him.

[1847] And then, like, then it gets fucking awkward, you know?

[1848] because you know a thousand people are hitting them up while you're up there.

[1849] So it's like, you know, I'd rather just go and have a good time.

[1850] Yeah, those are the awkward calls or texts you get from people that you barely know and they want something from you.

[1851] Yeah.

[1852] You don't feel weird asking me for this?

[1853] Right, right.

[1854] And it doesn't.

[1855] It doesn't bother them a bit.

[1856] Now, some people are brutal, too.

[1857] They just keep hitting it.

[1858] And it's really funny when you ask me for someone else.

[1859] Yeah.

[1860] Like, hey, I heard you on Joe Rogan's podcast.

[1861] I want to go to UFC Really?

[1862] I'm sure they sell tickets Joey Diaz gets that He gets that all the time He gets angry at people I bet because you guys are tight He gets angry at people People want to get on this podcast They try to go through Joey Right He gets you can't go through Joey Joey He gets fucking angry The thing is the people you would give it to Are the ones who will never ask Exactly Yeah You know the ones you'd be happy to do it for They're the ones who would never ask you For anything Well there's a lot of people that have that distorted misconception that this business is all about finding the right connections and then those connections like you have to work those connections and that's how you get to the business that's how you get famous although some people do that yeah but they're not good right the good ones not talent it's just it's salesmanship backstage it's it's being everyone's friend one thing that does happen for sure is that you find someone is really funny and then you go well who's that dude hang out with and then you find out oh he's got friends I guarantee you they're Friends are funny.

[1863] If they're funny, like, if you know Ari Shafir, you go, Oh, Ari's funny as shit, who's Ari's friend, you know?

[1864] Like, Ari has some friends from New York that I don't even know.

[1865] And then I, you know, he tells me about him, and I'm like, I want to meet that dude.

[1866] You know, I want to have that guy.

[1867] Because they wouldn't be hanging with him if they weren't.

[1868] Yeah.

[1869] If he tells you they're funny, they're funny.

[1870] You know, there's definitely that.

[1871] There's that sort of connection.

[1872] That definitely helps.

[1873] But you've got to be talented.

[1874] Yeah.

[1875] Because if you're not, we all have those few friends that we were friends with back from, you know, 15, whatever years ago, and they're not really that good, but you're still kind of friends with them.

[1876] They're like, hey, man, why don't you take me on the road with you?

[1877] Hey, man, how come me never work on your fucking act?

[1878] Yeah.

[1879] Hey, man, how come me not really a comedian?

[1880] You know the people I admire?

[1881] The people who weren't funny, who got funny.

[1882] Mm -hmm.

[1883] Because, I mean, I think I was pretty funny from the start, but I know some people who just weren't, and I admire, because you kept doing it.

[1884] Hammering that.

[1885] Yeah, when nobody believed in you, when nobody thought you were, and maybe you weren't funny.

[1886] you were just bombing but you knew there was something there and you kept doing it like i admire that i think that's a lot harder yeah than being funny and just going out and being funny i think you're right i don't want to name any names but i know a few guys that are like that they just incrementally got better yeah and then you know just kept chipping away kept chipping away and then once they started developing real confidence then started taking off for them then they started getting some momentum it's hard to figure out man yeah that's why you know Like you were saying, like meeting comedians, you know, like Kevin James and I had taken you for a tour of Montreal, it's like, yeah, I'm in.

[1887] Yeah.

[1888] I'm in.

[1889] Yeah.

[1890] Because it doesn't seem like in the beginning, it just doesn't seem like it's going to work.

[1891] Fuck.

[1892] It's like it's so, it's all of it.

[1893] It's so slippery.

[1894] And they're so big.

[1895] Like I remember when I started out when I was opening for Tommy Davidson, like I spent a summer opening for Tommy.

[1896] And I was like, man, when they say his name, there's more applause than my.

[1897] best joke like just saying his name he got a bigger applause break them but i always felt like it's funny because sometimes you meet people or you have somebody opening for you i don't know if you get this because you probably bring yours but you're like how long you've been doing this oh 12 years like what and you're hosting like what was your do you have any ambition like even back then like my thing was like yeah i want his job you know what i mean like any headliner i opened for I wanted to be them I never thought like I guess I want to open for you for the next nine years no fuck I want your job but there's a lot of guys that are like local guys like in Nashville or whatever that just host when comics are in town you got to get out of those cities yeah and some do it for fun which I get but if you have real ambition in the business you gotta you gotta be you know like I tell I tell openers it's like you know what your job is be funnier than the middle.

[1898] You need to blow that middle off stage.

[1899] That's what you have to do.

[1900] Because if you want his job, you got to show you can do it.

[1901] Yeah, it's true.

[1902] Sit here and if you got to announce drinks, you better come up with a funny way to announce drinks.

[1903] That's part of your job.

[1904] Yeah, that's why it's tricky working with people on the road, too.

[1905] Do you find, do you ever work with guys that try to steal your shit and step on it?

[1906] They like twist it around a little bit to fuck with your premises.

[1907] I've heard guys, not so much that, a little bit of that, but I've heard them doing something from somebody I know who had been there.

[1908] You know what I mean?

[1909] So they're doing like, that sounds familiar.

[1910] And then you're like, wait a minute, he was here last month.

[1911] But, you know, when they do that, they're not going to get out of that.

[1912] They're not going to get out of that circle.

[1913] You know what I mean?

[1914] Like say they're a middle act in the south and they're stealing material from headliners tour in the country, you're going to stay a middle act in the south.

[1915] Because once you leave, people know who did that.

[1916] They know who wrote that.

[1917] Yeah.

[1918] Yeah.

[1919] It's a different world now.

[1920] Are you doing a podcast at all?

[1921] You ever thought about it?

[1922] Yeah, I do a podcast.

[1923] It's, and it's very interesting.

[1924] I love my podcast called Who's Paying Attention.

[1925] And I do kind of a weekly news wrap -up thing.

[1926] But it's just me talking about should I read in the news and some of it.

[1927] To see you by yourself?

[1928] Bill Burr does Monday morning podcast?

[1929] Some of it is some of it is the more insightful stuff that I can't do in the comedy world so I'll give my real opinion on it.

[1930] Then other stuff is just me joking about some crazy shit in the news or making fun of some stuff in the news.

[1931] But on occasion I have guests like I did the LA podcast festival and I had guests and people like it so I guess I need to take it to the next level.

[1932] What is that like?

[1933] What is the podcast festival like?

[1934] I've heard of it.

[1935] I've never been It was actually pretty cool.

[1936] It's just doing a lot of podcasts.

[1937] Like you would do your podcast in a room with a big audience.

[1938] Right.

[1939] That's just it.

[1940] That's what it is.

[1941] They have different ballrooms set up, you know, different sizes, I guess, from like 50 seats to maybe a few hundred seats.

[1942] I don't know what the biggest ones were.

[1943] But, yeah, and you just do your podcast live for an audience there.

[1944] And they do them one after another.

[1945] So the audience, I guess they buy a ticket and say they might listen to your podcast and then walk out of yours and go listen to Todd Glass for a while and come listen to me or whatever.

[1946] You know, it's like, excuse me, just that, a weekend of a podcast all in one place.

[1947] Did you do it this year?

[1948] Yeah, I did it.

[1949] It was fun.

[1950] I was surprised.

[1951] It was last month.

[1952] Oh, really?

[1953] Yeah.

[1954] I was surprised because they had asked me to do it before.

[1955] and I don't think a lot about my podcast.

[1956] Like, I'm always flattered when people listen or when I get to, like, when's the next podcast?

[1957] Because I do it about every week, but I don't have a set day to do it.

[1958] And I'm like, you're listening?

[1959] Well, that's the name of it.

[1960] Is anybody paying attention?

[1961] I'm very flattered that you were listening on a regular basis.

[1962] But, yeah, I like doing it.

[1963] I like it because I get to just give my opinion on shit, you know.

[1964] How long are you doing it?

[1965] I'm of episode 120, so it's been about two years.

[1966] Wow.

[1967] Those things build, man. Now you're going to get a lot more people listening to it.

[1968] People listen to this.

[1969] Yeah, this is fantastic.

[1970] I mean, this is great because you're one of the big ones and you got a huge following and this and that.

[1971] But it's also because you and me, and we talk about it, we don't get to hang that often.

[1972] No. We've known each other a long time.

[1973] We cross paths here and there.

[1974] But it's just, this was, that's why this was always something I wanted to do and fun, just because I like you.

[1975] I have a text on my phone, the last text that I had with you, It was a year ago before this, the recent one, where we ran into each other at The Laugh Factory.

[1976] And the last one, we were planning on doing a podcast.

[1977] Right, right.

[1978] But we just never fucking pulled it off.

[1979] You know, and that's how it is, you know, because we're both traveling, doing our thing and this and that.

[1980] I mean, that's the other thing about being friends with comics.

[1981] When you reach the headliner level, you don't see each other anymore.

[1982] Yeah, unless you work together.

[1983] Yeah.

[1984] You work together or there's like a festival or a show or something like that.

[1985] Or the store or the laugh factory or the improv.

[1986] That's one of the reasons why I take.

[1987] guys on the road with me too you know I I don't I never use like a local guy I always take people on the road with me because I want to work with first of I want to work with really funny guys and then I also don't want to be alone yeah I want to work with friends I take people when I can but a lot of times they are like the places don't want to give up a room or they don't they're like we got a local guy that we pay 50 bucks a show so if your guy will come in and do 50 bucks you know whatever I always paid I paid for for the hotel room.

[1988] I paid extra money for the guys.

[1989] I always did.

[1990] Well, you make more money to me, Joe.

[1991] I don't know if you're aware of this.

[1992] But even when I didn't, even when I didn't, I was like, I did it too many times by myself.

[1993] And it was a crapshoot.

[1994] Like, sometimes you'd work on the road, and the guys would be fun.

[1995] You'd work with a great middle act, and you'd make a new friend.

[1996] Right.

[1997] But that was half the time.

[1998] Yeah.

[1999] And the other half the time, you'd work with idiots, and you'd hate yourself.

[2000] And then you'd have to plug your ears while they were on stage because they were so terrible.

[2001] you hated the audience by the time you got up there i hate the places that have their local favorite you know and they put him on your show and either he's like some filthy guy or it's just not funny you know what i mean like it like he's fooling that one audience at that club every week and he thinks he's great but you're like yeah i've experienced that it's you know and you just or the other thing I hate is when the green room is the hangout for the local comic oh that's the worst and I've always thought like that's why you have a road manager yeah because you have somebody to say all right everybody out you know that the worst is when they start bullshit with you like you're about to go on stage you're going over your notes and they want to fuck around and hang out they're talking to the waitress and complaining they're drinking and you're like what is this yeah you're not even working here I remember like this was back when I was hoping for time Tommy, we were somewhere and his security guy wouldn't let me in the green room.

[2002] Really?

[2003] And I was like, you know, and I fucked with Tommy about it because I knew Tommy.

[2004] And I don't think Tommy knew, but I was like, yeah, I'm kind of on the show, friend to his, like, not just a fan, you know, but the guy wouldn't let, he wouldn't let me in.

[2005] That was the Unliving Colored Days?

[2006] Yeah.

[2007] Well, he was huge back then.

[2008] What is he up to these days?

[2009] He's touring.

[2010] He's doing his thing, working live.

[2011] he did a tour with Tony Rock and some more Tony Rock is fucking hilarious that dude is funny yeah Tony's funny so they were on tour they did a tour together but yeah Tommy's still around still in the game Tony Rock is one of those guys like he might have actually been held back by the fact that his brother's Chris Rock I don't you know I don't know it's funny like I see more similarity in him now than when I first met Tony but not intentional similarity, just in the sense that they're brothers.

[2012] But it's weak, because he never talked about it, but you know he's Chris's brother.

[2013] You know what I mean?

[2014] So it wasn't the same as like the weigh -ins where you know their family and they work together and they do projects and stuff like that.

[2015] I don't know if Tony's ever been on the same stage as Chris.

[2016] Whoa.

[2017] That's kind of crazy.

[2018] I don't know.

[2019] Maybe he had, maybe he has.

[2020] I'm not saying he hasn't.

[2021] I don't know, but he never pushed that he's Chris Rock's brother, but you know he's Chris Rock's brother.

[2022] Yeah, but I'm saying that he's so good that, like, people almost don't take him seriously because he's the brother of one of the greatest comics of all time.

[2023] Yeah.

[2024] Like, he doesn't get the props that he deserves.

[2025] Right, because people think he's, but he's not riding his brother in any way.

[2026] In any way.

[2027] It's like the opposite of nepotism.

[2028] He almost suffers from it in some sort of way.

[2029] So he's not Jim Belushi.

[2030] Yeah.

[2031] Like Charlie Murphy, like, jokes around about being Eddie Murphy's brother.

[2032] Like, people like, you know, like, he's like, you know, like people who are just yelling him, Charlie Murphy, like they're yelling at him.

[2033] And he goes, does that ever get tired?

[2034] And he goes, no. He goes, as long as they're not saying, there's Eddie Murphy's brother.

[2035] Like, because for years, I was just Eddie Murphy's brother.

[2036] He goes, I'm happy when people yell out Charlie Murphy.

[2037] They know my fucking name, you know.

[2038] Yeah, I guess, I mean, that's the price you pay when there's fame or talent like that in the family.

[2039] And just such immense fame and talent, too.

[2040] I mean, in those two situations, Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock, two are the funniest, most famous guys of all time.

[2041] Right.

[2042] And you, you know.

[2043] And they have brothers that do stand -up, too.

[2044] Yeah.

[2045] That's a grind.

[2046] Well, that was, I just watched Chris Farley documentary.

[2047] Oh.

[2048] And his brother's on stage doing stand -up.

[2049] Whoa.

[2050] And it's like, I mean, he's talking about how funny Chris was and stuff, but it's like, yeah, that was kind of, there was only one of those in the family you know what i mean like that's that's kind of probably not going to be another one no well he was definitely not doing enough coke yeah you got to you got to do more coke yeah you want to be like chris you got to be but apparently he was like that all his life from when he was a little kid i met him at the uh backstage at the uh set of news radio he was friends at andy dick and this is Andy Dick was a hard partier Hard, hard, hard, he's all sober now But he was hard partier Chris Rock, or Chris Farley was there With two very hot -looking young girls Who looked like they've been up for days They were very attractive But just looked fucked up And he was gray And when I mean gray I mean like wet cardboard gray He looked like he could die at any second now He was sweaty And gray and pale and his eyes there was like deep bags under his eyes and he was just on some kind of crazy bender and he was there with these two girls and I had always heard that he was this wild partier it wasn't long after that that he died either but I remember seeing him there like whoa they weren't fucking around like this guy's really doing it but that's what I was talking about that's when it's not fun you're beyond like it's not a party and and what kills guys like that is you have the unlimited money to do that Yeah.

[2051] And you basically have permission to do it as long as you can make another movie or another show or another record or whatever.

[2052] Like I read Clapton's book, which was actually really good.

[2053] And in the beginning of the book, he says, you know, with the amount of drugs and alcohol I did in my life, I should have been dead.

[2054] Right.

[2055] And then about two thirds of the way through the book is when he soberes up and you're like, holy shit, how is he not dead?

[2056] Like when you read about how much he did and the quantities and the just that you're like, this guy's not human.

[2057] Like, yeah, you should have been dead.

[2058] What was he doing?

[2059] Just everything and large amounts of pills and cocaine.

[2060] And I mean, he talks about he did one show for like 23 ,000 people in a total blackout, didn't know he was there.

[2061] And, you know, yeah, just tons of pills and alcohol.

[2062] And how was the show?

[2063] They would imagine it was pretty good.

[2064] If you want to hang out, you got to take her out.

[2065] Yeah, that was the life, though.

[2066] That was what those guys were embracing.

[2067] Yeah.

[2068] There wasn't a generation before.

[2069] I mean, there was jazz musicians before them.

[2070] You know, there was some the older blues guys that fucked around with drugs and did heroin and stuff like that.

[2071] But for the most part, those hard party and rock stars from the 60s and 70s, there was no one before.

[2072] was like they took it and there were new drugs you know acid was new cocaine was I guess relatively new is on on the consumer level was it really yeah I think cocaine had been around but there weren't a lot of people who did cocaine before the 70s well they would just get it from Coca -Cola yeah wanted to get fucked up just get a Coca -Cola early days it was in Coca -Cola and then do you watch that show Narcos did you see I keep hearing about it man I keep hearing it's amazing I'm in the middle of it now, it's pretty good, but they said that was one of Pablo's things, like Pablo Escobar was like, I'm going to put Coke back into Coca -Cola.

[2073] Calls Coca -Cola.

[2074] Well, you know, Coca -Cola still uses cocaine for flavoring.

[2075] They still use Coca -Leaves.

[2076] They're like one of the biggest producers of medical cocaine, the same company that takes the cocoa leaves, they extract the cocaine out of it, use whatever flavor that makes...

[2077] That's why Coca -Cola tastes better than Pepsi.

[2078] I had medical cocaine I had liquid cocaine I cut my retina like playing ball and it is pain like you would not you know it's it's as painful as it sounds and apparently that's what the treatment is like he gave me this eye drop and the pain went away instantly I'm like what was that he said cocaine like can I and he said no we don't prescribe it you got to come in and we put the drop in your eye but yeah it was and it was one of the you know how you go to the doctor when you're hurt and you want it to stop hurting right away.

[2079] Yeah.

[2080] It did.

[2081] Like it was one of those rare times where you go to the doctor like, yep, that stopped the pain instantly.

[2082] Thank you, Doc.

[2083] Wow.

[2084] But that's what they use it.

[2085] I'm sure it has other uses, but yeah.

[2086] When I had my nose fixed, they put lytocaine in there, which is like the gay cousin of cocaine.

[2087] It's like cocaine's less talented brother.

[2088] And it tastes horrible.

[2089] It tastes fuck, but it numbs everything up, but all it does is numb and everything up.

[2090] You don't get sick, but you do get this weird, jittery feeling.

[2091] Like, I went out that night.

[2092] I went to dinner, and I tried to eat.

[2093] I just, I couldn't eat.

[2094] It was like my appetite was all fucked up, and I was all, and I realized, like, oh, I guess this is like the effects of that lytocane shit because they've been squirting up my nose and cleaning everything out.

[2095] You know, it's weird with drugs what people like, you know, like I went through a surgery, and they gave me that morphine drip.

[2096] Ooh, yeah, I got one of those ones.

[2097] And some people love it, and I was like, this is like, it would put me to sleep, but I had no desire to feel like that.

[2098] Whereas if you're a heroin addict, you want to feel like that all the time.

[2099] Maybe I could be a heroin addict then because I fucking loved it, man. I had my ACL reconstructed.

[2100] You'd go more that way, I think, because you're naturally, see, you're naturally a high energy, like, active person.

[2101] So, yeah, so your high was probably be a. slow down whereas I'm more you know I'm naturally slow laid back so my high was more up I think that's why I took the pot so well this pot like gave me a chance to slow down and look at things yeah because I always felt like most of my life was always like go just fucking go just go just and then get away get out of your own way because like my the momentum of all the shit I had done before was always like knocking out my door and I'm like, keep moving.

[2102] No time for introspective thinking.

[2103] No time for objectivity.

[2104] Just fucking run.

[2105] And if you get success, good.

[2106] That success justifies all this behavior and motion.

[2107] So keep going.

[2108] And pot was the first thing that made me go, oh, what am I doing?

[2109] Like, why am I doing this?

[2110] Why, what is the purpose of all this?

[2111] What is my path?

[2112] Where, what makes me happy?

[2113] What do I want to do?

[2114] What makes me unhappy?

[2115] How do I stop doing that?

[2116] You know, like, made me think about things in a way.

[2117] But when I had my ACL reconstructed, the first one, the second one, they didn't do shit.

[2118] The second one was so easy.

[2119] I had two, and I tell everybody, if you have a chance, then they offer you that there's two different types of, there's three different types they use.

[2120] They sometimes use hamstring, which is really rough.

[2121] And a lot of rehab, they tear, they cut a chunk of your hamstring.

[2122] It takes a long time for that to come back.

[2123] And some people, they don't feel like it ever is 100%.

[2124] And they put that and they use that as a tendon.

[2125] But I had the betelotendendin graph.

[2126] They take a piece of bone out of your shin and a piece of bone out of your kneecap and then they slice the betelotendin.

[2127] And it's connected with these two pieces of bone.

[2128] And the patella tendon is a very thick, wide tendon.

[2129] They use that as a replacement for your ACL.

[2130] I had that done on my left knee, and that's the one that did with the morphine drip.

[2131] The right knee, they used a. cadaver they use an Achilles tendon so it's much thicker than an ACL and it's like 150 % stronger and they use that they screw that in place I went to a party five days later I was walking around without crutches I was like this is crazy it was so much better but the first one the patelotendant was like fire was going through my veins it was like I would get up off the couch and I didn't like take pain pills I hated the way those made me feel I don't remember what it was percissettes or Vicodins I don't remember which one it was, but I remember I sold them to this dude at the pool hall because I was like, these are fucking bullshit.

[2132] I hate that.

[2133] I'd rather be in pain than be that stupid.

[2134] Yeah.

[2135] But the morphine trip at the hospital was like being, it was like having your balls cradled by angels.

[2136] It was just like you were being hugged by God.

[2137] It was like the world was just giving you this big warm hug.

[2138] Everything was going to be fine.

[2139] I was on this machine that constantly straightened my leg and bent it.

[2140] It's like this constant motion machine Because they're trying to keep your leg from going stiff After they, you know, fucking chisel into it And start putting screws in and all that So this machine's going And I'm going, click, click, click, click And I'm just melting into this fucking bed And the last time I had that feeling Was in the early, maybe the late 90s, I guess it was Must have been the late 90s because I remember I lived out here, and I got a hold of some of the real NyQuil before they took that shit off the market.

[2141] The alcohol.

[2142] With the codeine in it?

[2143] Oh, my God, it was magical.

[2144] NyQuil was like 25 proof with codeine or something.

[2145] It was so good.

[2146] It was so good.

[2147] Yeah, you just forgot you had a cold.

[2148] I knew a comic used to drink that shit.

[2149] There's a lot of people used to drink it.

[2150] He used to get bottles of it, the people that worked at the comedy club at Rascals in New Jersey.

[2151] They'd have to bring bottles of fucking NyQuil, and they would always just talk about it.

[2152] Yeah, he fucking wants bottles of NyQuil.

[2153] He just drinks NyQuil.

[2154] It goes into his hotel room and drinks NyQuil.

[2155] Yeah, my knees have no cartilage.

[2156] Like, that's just beat up.

[2157] So when they hurt, my doctor's like, yeah, we're going to replace them.

[2158] We're just waiting.

[2159] Don't, don't, don't.

[2160] Listen, if that's all it is, it's just cartilage, you got to get stem cells.

[2161] Stem cell shots?

[2162] Oh, my God, dude.

[2163] It's the greatest thing of all time.

[2164] They actually regenerate tissue.

[2165] They can regenerate meniscus, regenerate car, and bone -on -bone situations.

[2166] I'll hook you up with his doctor.

[2167] I'll get you connected to him.

[2168] It's just over the last couple years they're doing these things.

[2169] They're having miraculous results with stem cells.

[2170] Nice.

[2171] Someone online complained to me on Twitter.

[2172] They're like, yeah, a lot of people can't afford stem cells.

[2173] What do you want me to not talk about it?

[2174] Should I not talk about how awesome it is because people can't afford it?

[2175] I mean, that's the way our, you know, medicine is.

[2176] Yeah, I get it.

[2177] I get it.

[2178] It's annoying to you that you can't afford it.

[2179] But I'm not going to not talk.

[2180] I had it in my shoulder.

[2181] I had a stem cell shot in my shoulder.

[2182] I was, like, probably a couple months away from surgery.

[2183] I was, like, just trying to figure out when I could schedule it.

[2184] It was just, it was so annoying.

[2185] Every time I'd work out, it'd be in pain for a few days, and then I would do it again and do ice it and all this different shit.

[2186] And I was like, I'm going to have to fucking bite the bullet and get this thing fixed.

[2187] One stem cell shot, boom, within two weeks, it feels 100 % better.

[2188] Within a month, it felt better than I had felt in a year.

[2189] And now it's like, I mean, occasionally it's sore.

[2190] Like, yesterday I lifted.

[2191] and I lifted this morning.

[2192] It's kind of a little sore, but nothing to complain about it.

[2193] No big deal.

[2194] It's funny when you were talking about how they take part of the shin bone and the other bone to put it.

[2195] When doctors do shit like that, I'm like, how smart are you?

[2196] You know what I mean?

[2197] Like that is like, wow, you can actually do that, you know?

[2198] Like I had shattered my wrist and I got to know the doctor who fixed it.

[2199] Motorcycle crash?

[2200] Yeah.

[2201] I knew it.

[2202] On a racetrack, not ordinary circumstance.

[2203] but I was talking to the doctor, you know, and we become friends over time.

[2204] I fuck with him about it.

[2205] He fucks with me. Like when he did the surgery and he said, yeah, do it again.

[2206] I'm like, well, you couldn't get shit right the first time.

[2207] And he's like, well, if you hadn't fucked it up so bad, you know, it's like that kind of.

[2208] But sometimes I just look at him like, how smart are you?

[2209] Like, you just put bodies back together.

[2210] Like, that shit is amazing.

[2211] He's like, well, you, I tell fucking dick jokes.

[2212] Like you go inside a human body and repair it.

[2213] That's amazing.

[2214] Different kind of smart.

[2215] Well, how about that Ben Carson guy, that guy that runs for president?

[2216] That guy was a neurosurgeon that he fixed conjoined twins at the head.

[2217] And yet you listen to him talk.

[2218] Now, you talk about a disconnect.

[2219] I honestly, it's not like Herman Kane, because obviously I make fun of all these guys.

[2220] And the black Republican is always going to be hilarious because it's like everyone.

[2221] else knows.

[2222] Nobody told you, you know.

[2223] But to be that smart and yet when you listen to some of this political stuff, you're like, how does that work?

[2224] I don't understand that because you're a neurosurgeon.

[2225] And you're not just a neurosurgeon.

[2226] Like you worked your way up.

[2227] Yeah.

[2228] From nowhere.

[2229] It wasn't like you were born into, you know, a silver spoon in your mouth or whatever.

[2230] Like, so yeah, I don't, I don't understand Ben Carson at all.

[2231] Well, it's hard when you start, when he starts talking about religion when he starts talking about the big bang and evolution is a myth and the big bang is bullshit like he doesn't believe in evolution right he mean he might think the earth is 10 ,000 years old he might be one of those guys yeah yeah he's got some really wacky ideas but when it comes to fix in a brain he knows what the fuck to do yeah and but that's what I mean like how do you put those two together like in the course of learning to fix a brain didn't they teach you any other science wasn't there any other science classes you went to when you learn.

[2232] He doesn't buy it, not buying it.

[2233] I don't know, man. Maybe it's, maybe it's like the hubris that you have to have to be so confident that you could fix conjoin twins.

[2234] Because apparently conjoined twins at the head is like one of the most dangerous operations.

[2235] It took more than 20 hours.

[2236] They brought insurgents from all over the world to assist him.

[2237] But he figured out a way to, they shared one artery between, like a major artery between their two brains.

[2238] And he figured out a way to channel it and to make it work.

[2239] work.

[2240] So that's two votes he's going to get.

[2241] He's ahead of Trump now.

[2242] I know.

[2243] That's what's really crazy.

[2244] In the most recent polls, he's ahead of Trump.

[2245] That's because this is the reality show portion.

[2246] And then next year they get to the real election.

[2247] You know what I mean?

[2248] Next year is when the real candidates.

[2249] Do you think that's why Trump is like so gung -ho already?

[2250] He knows it's bullshit.

[2251] I know.

[2252] Can I get out?

[2253] Trump's going to sell books and get a TV show or that.

[2254] You know what I mean?

[2255] Like this is all publicity for Trump.

[2256] My theory, yeah, my theory is that around December or January, Trump comes up up with a way to back out, like, I don't want to work with these politicians, or this is bull, you know what I mean?

[2257] He comes up with something like that.

[2258] Like when Stern was running for governor?

[2259] Yeah, and he backs out of it and then he rides the wave of the publicity.

[2260] You might be right, or President Trump, what if he fucking wins?

[2261] What if he gets in there?

[2262] I mean, would that be the biggest?

[2263] I just can't see it happening.

[2264] Why not?

[2265] Because for one thing, he knows nothing about policy or how government works or, you know.

[2266] Right.

[2267] But how hard is that to learn?

[2268] Oh, it's very hard.

[2269] On that level, even, like, even Barack Obama who went in knowing it, I think, like, his first two years in office was an education.

[2270] Because I think you, when you really find out how hard it is to make this work and to get these people to work together and to get anything done.

[2271] You know what I mean?

[2272] Like, I think he learned a lot about, like, how to try to make politics work, how to get anything done.

[2273] And Trump, Trump is more like Schwarzenegger.

[2274] When Schwarzenegger thought he was going to go in and call the legislature girlymen and be the Terminator, and they were like, get the fuck out of here.

[2275] Like, he had, like, he got slapped, you know.

[2276] And it would be the same thing with Trump.

[2277] They'd be, what do you mean?

[2278] You're fired?

[2279] Shut up.

[2280] Shut up.

[2281] I think the difference being that Trump would probably make a big deal out of explaining where all these bottlenecks are.

[2282] He would probably make a big deal about explaining it to the public, doing press conferences and not playing ball.

[2283] Yeah, because he's so fucking rich.

[2284] But there's no, that's no secret, though.

[2285] Everyone knows that.

[2286] You know, we all know about the party of no. And we, you know.

[2287] And to get in.

[2288] With all the backdoor deals and stuff like that, like you got, you know, you got to have some serious backing.

[2289] You know, like he has a lot of money, but he doesn't have Coke Brothers money.

[2290] Or what's that guy who owns the casinos in Vegas?

[2291] I don't even know his name.

[2292] He owns a Venetian and stuff like, you know.

[2293] I don't want to say his name.

[2294] Sounds like Candyman.

[2295] You know, I want to say it.

[2296] That's too much money.

[2297] Yeah, or these, or, you know, on the Democrat side, they have some people.

[2298] I mean, you got, you know, Spielberg and Geffen and all of it.

[2299] Like, Trump has money.

[2300] He doesn't have their money, nor does he have their influence.

[2301] He doesn't have their influence when it comes to the media and when it comes to everything else involved.

[2302] You know what's annoying to me how many women that want to vote for Hillary just because she's a woman?

[2303] I'm like, do you know how much shady shit is going on with her?

[2304] Like, I've had these conversations.

[2305] Like, I'll vote for her.

[2306] I want a woman in office.

[2307] I'm like, but do you under, do you know how shady shit?

[2308] She is.

[2309] Do you know that when she was a criminal lawyer, she was a defense lawyer, she got some guy off for raping a kid.

[2310] There was like some, there's like some video or a recording of her joking around about it.

[2311] Yeah.

[2312] From like the 1980s or whatever the fuck it was when this happened.

[2313] If you're going to be a politician, you're bad.

[2314] You know what I mean?

[2315] Like you're like.

[2316] But even before she was a politician.

[2317] The Whitewater deal with her and her husband.

[2318] But even then she was in it because Bill's been in it from the beginning.

[2319] Yeah.

[2320] The thing I like about Hillary is she knows how the games played.

[2321] Like, she has experience and she's very smart.

[2322] So I give her that.

[2323] Is she – I don't think she's perfect.

[2324] I think she's the best of them, of the ones running.

[2325] I think she's the best.

[2326] She scares me. And the thing about Bernie Sanders, although I like a lot of what he says, it's not going to get done.

[2327] Like what particular?

[2328] What about the taxes?

[2329] He talks crazy about taxes.

[2330] Yeah, about change.

[2331] Tax the fucking shit out of rich people.

[2332] Well, he wants to do, he wants to do what some other countries do, where the government provides a lot more services, but it's paid for by a lot more taxes.

[2333] Yeah.

[2334] And so now you're going to have to somehow get that rich 1 % that ain't paying to suddenly be willing to pay.

[2335] And to make college free sounds good, but now you're talking about change.

[2336] See, when you start talking about changing in.

[2337] entire system when you talk about cutting money out of defense to pay for things.

[2338] Yeah, it sounds great, but the problem is this, this has been this military industrial defense complex business, it's like how many military bases do we have where it's just welfare for the town?

[2339] They don't need the base, but the base is there because the base employs everyone in the town.

[2340] And if you shut down the base, the town goes broke.

[2341] I mean, that's true all across America.

[2342] And then you have and the congressman from that town will fight to the death like there's a a naval base in west virginia what's not in the ocean there's no ocean but they had this congressman i forget his name but he was like that was his thing he was that guy and he's like i'm getting these jobs and this money to my district you know what i mean so so when you get a bernie sanders when you get someone who's talking about I'm going to change the whole system and I think this was the thing with Barack when Barack Obama ran initially and it was about hope and change and a bunch of young people college age got on board and they wanted everything to change and it was great and I think he really meant it and then he got there and it was like oh this ain't going to get done because when he got there and he had the Democratic Congress like if there was any chance of him doing it it was when he had the president and the Congress from the same party and even then Congress was like well no we ain't changing that shit you know we're not going to mess with that it's like they say moving the United States is like turning an aircraft carrier you know it it turns but it takes a long time that's the one thing I really love about Bernie Sanders the idea of free college I think the idea that these kids come out of college and they're hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans and they're fucked and then I just it drives me crazy it makes so much sense that you're almost baffled why we don't do it.

[2343] You know, there's one state, and I want to say it was Iowa.

[2344] I want to say it was Iowa, and I only know about this because a friend of mine, her kid was in school at the time, and she was divorced, and her husband lived there.

[2345] But they had this deal.

[2346] They said the first 10 cents of every tax dollar goes to the schools, and you can't mess with that.

[2347] You can't change it.

[2348] And what they noticed, they didn't plan it, but about seven, eight years later, their jail population started dropping.

[2349] Wow.

[2350] Yeah.

[2351] But you know why?

[2352] Because if kids go to school, they don't go to jail, you know, and you look at the cost of putting a guy in jail for one year versus putting them in college for a year.

[2353] It just makes so much more sense.

[2354] Not to mention the fact that it, how is an educated populist bad other than the fact you can't control it?

[2355] That's the only negative to educating people.

[2356] You can't control them.

[2357] that and if you do have an educated populist that's in debt they're going to have to work.

[2358] They're going to have to work and they're going to have to keep their fucking mouth shut and stay inside the boundaries of the system.

[2359] But I'm talking about if you do away with the debt so that more people can go to college.

[2360] Like in other words, the more people that go to college, the better a country we are.

[2361] Yeah.

[2362] And yet they literally fight against it.

[2363] And it's always funny when you see people fight against their best interest.

[2364] You know, like...

[2365] Well, I don't think it is their best interest because they make money off of the fact that college, I mean, college education in this country subsidized.

[2366] I mean, one of the reasons why it's so expensive is because the government is involved.

[2367] The government's involved in all these loans.

[2368] And there's money in that.

[2369] Whenever you have a tremendous amount of money that's being generated by anything, whether it's college or law enforcement or the drug war, it becomes an industry.

[2370] Well, yeah, yeah.

[2371] Like you were talking about the military, like shutting down those bases.

[2372] The same thing would happen if you figured out a way to pay for college, through tax dollars, there would be, without a doubt, some people would lose their jobs.

[2373] People would lose their gigs.

[2374] But what I mean is that, is the overall, in other words, the overall health of the nation, like if everyone's smarter, we're better off.

[2375] Yeah, the one thing, look, if you want to make the nation strong, make less losers.

[2376] It's real simple.

[2377] I mean, that's the number one argument for cleaning up all these impoverished areas in our country.

[2378] Right.

[2379] All these, like, we look at Baltimore.

[2380] I had this guy, Michael Wood on this podcast that was a former, a cop in Baltimore and they when they were there when he was working there they found some papers from the 1970s that showed all the crime areas and all the tactics they were using and he's like we're fucking doing the same shit they were doing in the 1970s we're spinning our wheels if you want to fix that area like concentrating resources on that area and and figuring out a way to solve this this poverty cycle that just keeps going on and crime cycle that just keeps going on Like, you will have less losers.

[2381] You will have less people that you have to prosecute.

[2382] You're talking about education.

[2383] Exactly.

[2384] Because education and opportunity don't exist.

[2385] I mean, that is the one thing about the cycle of poverty that I think a lot of people can't understand.

[2386] It's like, you know, well, just get a job.

[2387] Like, well, no, you don't have that, you know.

[2388] And when you go to school and your books are eight years old, you know, like when you say like this generation grew up, with the internet, but a lot of kids don't.

[2389] You know, a lot of kids, like, that's where the separation is, where did you have an iPad when you were in school, or did you have an eight -year -old textbook?

[2390] And then you get to the college level, now you're supposed to compete with the kid who had the iPad, you know?

[2391] The whole system, yeah, and it's one of those things that it just makes sense to do something.

[2392] You know, it's like guns.

[2393] It's like, we have to admit that, okay, we got to do something.

[2394] Like, that's the first thing.

[2395] Before we do anything, let's just admit we have to do something because whatever we're doing isn't working.

[2396] And then once we realize we have to do something, then figure out what to do.

[2397] But instead, we're always us versus them.

[2398] So it's like, you know, either no guns at all or just carry your AK to a grocery store.

[2399] Like, I'm sure there's somewhere, in between those two that works and we have become a nation that has become so divided on every issue and sometimes when it's no reason to be divided other than the other side set it and it just keeps anything from getting done I don't know I don't know what this country is going to be in 50 years you know it's going to be very different because we're all these complications that we have right now all the problems that we have right now they're going to be accelerated they're going to be accelerated when the growth of the population, when more and more people around, there's going to be more and more problems.

[2400] And then there's going to be all these technological issues.

[2401] There's going to be cybercrime.

[2402] It's going to be really difficult to keep money in your bank account.

[2403] People are just going to be stealing money from bank accounts left and right.

[2404] You're going to have virtual reality.

[2405] You're going to have people escaping reality in all sorts of ways that they're not really doing yet.

[2406] And that's going to be just as addictive as crack.

[2407] There's going to be people that are just dropping out of society and living in the headset.

[2408] I'm going to put on those virtual reality goggles.

[2409] You know, or we're going to, or people are going to figure out how to use it and how to make society work, you know, better or educate people more or allow for communication.

[2410] You know, I mean, when you talk about these kids who grew up with the Internet, another thing they're growing up is they're growing up globally.

[2411] So they have friends in Europe and shit like that, like that.

[2412] They communicate with people from other countries all the time.

[2413] And you learn so much.

[2414] Like there's so much cult more culturally savvy because of that.

[2415] So it's one of those things.

[2416] It's like we can become much better or much worse.

[2417] And I don't really know.

[2418] Sometimes I think, well, we're going to be better.

[2419] Then some shit happens.

[2420] You're like, wow, we can't be trusted with anything.

[2421] You know, so I don't know.

[2422] I don't know what's going to happen.

[2423] And, you know, and that's where you have like when you have Trump, you know, honestly, when you have this, this violence.

[2424] presidential candidate saying, well, we're going to build a wall between here and Mexico because Mexico is full of rapists and put my name on it.

[2425] You're like, okay, no. Like, that's no. You know, so.

[2426] Well, that's like some Lenin and Stalin type shit putting his name on it.

[2427] Yeah.

[2428] And yet you have a percentage of the population who honestly believes that.

[2429] You know what I mean?

[2430] Like, we still have, what, 40 % of the Republicans in the South or whatever that still believe Barack Obama's a Muslim undercover.

[2431] He's not?

[2432] Sorry, Joe.

[2433] I didn't mean to ruin that for you.

[2434] We're out of time, dude.

[2435] We ran out of time.

[2436] Man. We hit the three -hour mark.

[2437] Bam.

[2438] This was amazing.

[2439] It was amazing.

[2440] Thank you.

[2441] You're in town all the time, right?

[2442] Thank you.

[2443] Alonzo Bowden on Twitter website.

[2444] Alonzo Bowden .com.

[2445] That's crazy.

[2446] How do we remember that?

[2447] I don't know.

[2448] It's tough.

[2449] B -O -D -D -E -N.

[2450] B -O -D -E -N.

[2451] Thank you, brother.

[2452] Thank you, man. Who's paying attention?

[2453] Sideshow network.

[2454] iTunes, all that jazz.

[2455] All that, yeah.

[2456] Glorious.

[2457] We did it, man. Thank you, sir.

[2458] We did it.

[2459] Thank you, brother.

[2460] All right.

[2461] See you guys soon.

[2462] Later.