Armchair Anonymous: Worst TSA

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Rather.

[5] I'm joined by Bucks and Busters.

[6] I really want to tell a story.

[7] Tell it.

[8] But my dad doesn't want me to tell it.

[9] Well, all the more reason for you to tell it.

[10] Should I tell it?

[11] Oh, this is about your story.

[12] brother yeah do you think he is there a chance he could get in trouble no are you sure no I don't well I can't be sure I don't work for the TSA okay well I'm going to tell the story so my brother works in supply chain and stuff and every now and then he has to go into the warehouse and he has to do stuff in the warehouse so he has on his person on his person his work backpack his stuff for the warehouse okay so he went to Miami he came back he went to Phoenix he He came back.

[13] No problem.

[14] All the same backpack, whatever.

[15] He wasn't paying attention.

[16] He just threw stuff in, whatever.

[17] When he got home from Phoenix, he unloaded his backpack and he saw at the bottom of the backpack was a box cutter.

[18] A box cutter.

[19] The original weapon.

[20] Yes.

[21] The OW, the original weapon.

[22] Very triggering.

[23] Extremely.

[24] Item to bring on.

[25] My dad didn't know this.

[26] He looks cutter is as high risk as you can get.

[27] He has a little bit of a beard.

[28] Sure.

[29] Looks like he's growing it out, maybe for his lump.

[30] He would have got, my dad's jaw was on, he was like, you would, he went so far down.

[31] Well, he felt like he almost lost his son.

[32] He probably got scared.

[33] He really did.

[34] He would have really, yeah.

[35] He's like, you would have gone straight to jail.

[36] They would have arrested you.

[37] We would have had to get the best lawyer.

[38] Yeah, he did.

[39] He said it would have been so expensive.

[40] He thought that there's a bankruptcy ahead.

[41] I don't agree.

[42] This is very rare.

[43] This is a departure that I don't agree with your dad because I generally see I'd eye with him on all things, especially if you're on the other side of the debate and I really agree with him.

[44] Yeah.

[45] But no. No. Here's what would happen.

[46] Exactly what happened when I left my huge fucking knife, my favorite knife, but a spider knife with scrimshaw on the thing, I told you about it.

[47] I had an eagle.

[48] It made me feel proud of me an American.

[49] I love that knife.

[50] Huge knife.

[51] I don't even know what's legal.

[52] to be out in public with it, right?

[53] Like, much less go on an airplane.

[54] And they just pull it out and then you lose it.

[55] That's it.

[56] They would have just seen the box cutter and they'd go, oh, you can't bring these on a flight.

[57] And he would have said, yeah, I work in a warehouse.

[58] And they said, bullshit, you're a jihadist.

[59] But we're going to let you know.

[60] No, nothing would have happened.

[61] Yeah, I really think you're wrong.

[62] But they're pulling knives and box cutters out all day long at TSA.

[63] I promise you, if they had pulled it out from a person that looks like my brother.

[64] they would have done major questioning.

[65] Like a hip -hop hat designer?

[66] Yeah.

[67] Because that's mostly what your brother looks like.

[68] He's a brown young guy.

[69] He would have been questioned and I think he would have been taken to the police station.

[70] I don't think he would have been arrested.

[71] Right.

[72] He hasn't committed any crime.

[73] Well, no. This also, then there was this other guy who got arrested for bringing a metal straw that had just like a little bit of a sharp tip.

[74] Oh, so...

[75] Wait, your father looked this up or something?

[76] My mom did.

[77] They went digging.

[78] I don't know how many millions of passengers a day playing America, but it's like five million.

[79] But if you look like that, you are much more willing.

[80] You are.

[81] I mean, that's the truth.

[82] I kind of wish he had so we could have known, you know?

[83] We need him to go again.

[84] Where does he want to go next?

[85] I'll buy him a ticket.

[86] He told me that if I told the story, I had to shout out his friend Al. So shout out Al. What up, Al!

[87] Because he went to visit Al. Al and A -Z.

[88] Yeah.

[89] And if you're, you bump into Al and A -Z, give them what's up from us.

[90] Roll call.

[91] Oh, another thing my dad said, he said, those people are going to get in so much trouble.

[92] The TSA.

[93] I was like, well, they don't know who was working the line that day.

[94] No one's going to.

[95] I know.

[96] I will tell you this.

[97] I have lost several knives in TSA.

[98] And I've watched other people lose.

[99] a lot of knives.

[100] What color were they?

[101] The knives I lost.

[102] No, the green one.

[103] One guy introduced himself as Amman, as an Amman.

[104] Stop.

[105] Another guy was wearing a Sikh head gear.

[106] No, no. You can't joke about it because that is really true profiling.

[107] And look, also, if people are trying to bring that shit on the airplane, I want them to be investigated.

[108] Yes, I want them to look into it.

[109] I really want someone with a shoe bomb to get detained and we got to get to the bottom of that.

[110] Yeah.

[111] I don't know about box cutter.

[112] I don't know if we're going detention.

[113] But whatever.

[114] It's a loaded question.

[115] Here's the point.

[116] Your brother pulled it off.

[117] He pulled up twice.

[118] He should probably think about a bigger scale caper where he can profit from it.

[119] Well, he lives in my dad's sim.

[120] So it was like obvious he was going to be fine.

[121] But still.

[122] Yeah.

[123] Anyways, enjoy these crazy stories from the TSA.

[124] There's been a couple I've been telling.

[125] after we gathered them because they're that good.

[126] Yeah.

[127] So you can listen to this one.

[128] Enjoy.

[129] All times.

[130] Come and go.

[131] Take them slow.

[132] I'm going to keep on shining.

[133] Hi.

[134] Hi, Daniel.

[135] That's me. How are you?

[136] Wonderful.

[137] How are you?

[138] I'm doing great.

[139] You have a TSA experience that was unpleasant or at least memorable?

[140] I do.

[141] So this story takes place about 10 years ago and it takes place in Canada.

[142] Yeah.

[143] I knew that.

[144] You could tell by my accent?

[145] About 10 years ago.

[146] About 10 years ago.

[147] So, Dax, I actually grew up in Ontario, not too far from Detroit.

[148] A lot of Michigan love and a lot of Cedar Point love as well.

[149] Same, same, same, same.

[150] We love our Ontario neighbors.

[151] Oh, wonderful.

[152] Yeah, about 10 years ago, I moved from Ontario to British Columbia.

[153] For the sake of simplicity, I'll say East Coast, West Coast, if that's okay.

[154] Yeah.

[155] The firm I was working for was super accommodating.

[156] And they said I could work remotely from the West Coast as long as I came back every month or so to spend some time in the home office.

[157] So what I would do is spend a few days every month in the home office on the East Coast, where my parents and my sister and my wife's extended family all lived.

[158] So I'd leave a few set of work clothes, shoes, toiletries, everything at my sister's house where I'd stay while I was in town so I could travel super light.

[159] Genius, yep.

[160] Well, you may want to reserve your judgment for a little bit later, but it got to a point where I didn't even have to pack any luggage back and forth.

[161] My wife at the time noticed that I wasn't taking any bags and hence had a ton of baggage allowance to bring stuff back and forth, especially to her extended family, most notably my kids' little cousins back east, which ended up being my undoing entirely.

[162] So what would happen was once I knew I'd be flying east, I'd leave a carry -on suitcase out, I'd let my wife fill it up, I'd fly with it, and then deliver it to my wife's brother and her kids.

[163] All the kids in this story are about five years and younger at the time.

[164] About a year into this process and about a month after school started, I was preparing for another trip out east.

[165] So sure enough, the day before I'm supposed to leave, there's a carry -on suitcase, all packed up, bundled up and ready for me to take to my wife's brother and his kids.

[166] And this time, I'm not carrying anything.

[167] I'm traveling super light.

[168] I've just got this one carry -on.

[169] I drive to the airport, check in, and go through to security.

[170] I pop my carry -on onto the conveyor belt.

[171] Off it goes into the X -ray machine.

[172] I stroll through the metal detector.

[173] No problems.

[174] And I turn around and I see the TSA agent just staring at the screen.

[175] And he's squinting and his brows all furrowed.

[176] And I know that this is not a good sign.

[177] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[178] That's not what you want to see.

[179] No, absolutely not.

[180] You want to see somebody just waving you through.

[181] Or asleep behind the wheel.

[182] That's best, actually.

[183] Just keep it moving.

[184] No, I prefer them to be paying attention.

[185] There's another issue for security and all that, but that would have been very helpful this day, Dax.

[186] So he sends the bag through, but then he points at me and he, like, uses his finger to beckon me over to talk to him.

[187] So he says, hey, are you traveling alone and where are you going?

[188] So I tell him, yeah, I'm traveling alone.

[189] I'm headed back east to work for about a week.

[190] And he says, what's your job?

[191] Oh, I'm a lawyer.

[192] And he's like, okay, do you have any other luggage?

[193] You have a backpack?

[194] Do you have any checked luggage, anything?

[195] And I'm like, nope, just that I pointed out the carry on.

[196] He says, can I open it?

[197] And I'm like, I don't know if I can say anything else but sure.

[198] Right, exactly.

[199] Yeah.

[200] Sure enough, he unzips my carry on and it is at that point that I see what's in it.

[201] My suitcase is jam -packed with little girls' underwear.

[202] Oh.

[203] Oh.

[204] Oh.

[205] Okay.

[206] Oh, that's great.

[207] Daniel, as you're talking, I'm like, I'm already nowhere.

[208] This is a toy gun.

[209] This isn't that great.

[210] Who would care?

[211] But I'm not expecting packed to the brim with children's underwear.

[212] Whoa.

[213] Oh, yeah.

[214] Also, why is your wife acting like you guys live in England and your relatives live in Nairobi?

[215] Like, this shit can be gotten anywhere.

[216] It's not like you're going to some remote island where they don't have access to little kids underwear.

[217] Well, Dax, this is a very good question.

[218] And one that I asked her.

[219] Indeed, a question that I peppered her with after the fact.

[220] In fact, it got to a point where I was actually saying, you know, the Walmart is closer to them than it.

[221] is for me yes to carry all this stuff and fly it over oh my god so TSA agent opens a suitcase full of little kids underwear oh my god he looks at me and he says you know what this looks like right and in my head a million sarcastic things are coming to mind but I'm biting my tongue because I know I'm going to get in more and more trouble not the time for jokes so I try to explain I love these underwear but I use them as napkins it's not what you think exactly I tried to explain, and he's having none of it.

[222] He beckons a second TSA agent over, and it's at that moment that I spot inside the suitcase, peeking out from under the layer of little girls' underwear, is what appears to be a bag of candy.

[223] Oh, my God.

[224] It's like a starter kit for a fucking predator.

[225] Oh, my God.

[226] Exactly.

[227] And then a bottle of ether in a rag.

[228] And some cotton balls, right?

[229] Oh, my God.

[230] Oh, my God.

[231] Candy and underwear.

[232] Oh, no, Daniel.

[233] By the way, if I'm in line behind you and I'm observing all this, I'm starting to think, like, I'm going to take this mother.

[234] Well, I'm just like, yeah, get that guy.

[235] Obviously, that guy is a problem.

[236] Put him in a fucking cage.

[237] You're right.

[238] This was all out in the open.

[239] It's not like they took me to some separate room behind and said, yeah, let's just open this up in privacy.

[240] Nope.

[241] Just right out in the open.

[242] people are walking behind me. I'm like, this is my life now.

[243] So how do you get honest?

[244] You make them call your wife and have her back you up?

[245] That would have been a very good idea.

[246] And I was getting so nervous.

[247] And I'm just explaining myself.

[248] And finally they waved a third guy over.

[249] And they're kind of conferencing over by the side.

[250] And finally, they do come back to me. And they give me the dirtiest look, first of all.

[251] And they say, listen, you're going to have to go through the story one more time.

[252] And I go through it one more time.

[253] I'm like, these are hammy.

[254] Downs.

[255] My wife packed it.

[256] The candy's obviously for Halloween, right?

[257] Because it's like the beginning of October.

[258] So we're bringing Halloween presents.

[259] And they're like candy.

[260] We didn't even see that.

[261] And you're like outing yourself even further and further.

[262] And the handcuffs are because I'm going as a cop to Halloween.

[263] Exactly.

[264] That's part of my costume.

[265] Oh my God.

[266] From their point of view, it doesn't make any sense, right?

[267] Here's a guy that says he's a lawyer.

[268] He's traveling for a week for work.

[269] And this is his suitcase.

[270] Just like you said, it looks like a starter kit for child abduction.

[271] Yes.

[272] Oh.

[273] Anyway, the third person, he did something pretty curious because it really stuck with me. He took his pen and he starts poking around in the suitcase.

[274] And I'm thinking, is he doing that so he doesn't do any damage to fingerprint evidence or something?

[275] Like, I'm getting more and more suspicious.

[276] But finally, the third guy comes, he looks at me and he says, this looks terrible.

[277] And I'm like, yes, this looks terrible.

[278] And he says, but you haven't broken any laws and as far as I can tell, you're not carrying anything in there that you're not allowed to carry on a plane.

[279] I'm caught between two things when you tell this story.

[280] One is I have a very checkered pass with the TSA.

[281] I've had some bad shouting matches with them.

[282] I've acted poorly.

[283] So I have a little bit of a chip on my shoulder about them.

[284] That side of my brain is going, hey, guess what, guys, you're not a special victim's unit.

[285] You can't investigate a crime.

[286] You are there to stop certain objects from getting on the plane.

[287] Like, you guys going to launch a investigation right now?

[288] That's not even on the table.

[289] I guess they're maybe considering whether they're going to call the police or not.

[290] Then the other part of me is like, no, no, yeah, when a guy's traveling with a big bag of candy and little girl's underwear, let's ask him a few questions.

[291] Let's commit him to memory.

[292] Let's document it a little bit.

[293] Send him on his way and who knows.

[294] It's funny you say that, you know, we'll commit him to memory because I'm absolutely positive that because of that incident, my name has been flagged with a TSA.

[295] So for years and years after, there was about a 90 % chance that I would get taken aside for additional screening every time I went through security.

[296] And it got to a point where my kid would actually point at me during security screening and say, you're going to want to talk to that guy.

[297] Let's just cut to the chase.

[298] This guy needs questioning.

[299] Well, the pen is for sharp objects.

[300] They're digging for like, up there's a knife.

[301] I agree with Daniel.

[302] I think he's trying not to contaminate an active crime scene?

[303] Oh, they've, like, open.

[304] Because I always have, like, an extra body wash. I am always getting pulled aside.

[305] Well, you're right.

[306] You're brown.

[307] And I'm brown.

[308] But no, something's flagged.

[309] And they always use a tool.

[310] And they say, are there any sharp objects?

[311] And they're, like, digging around.

[312] So I think that's why, in case you had, like, a knife in there.

[313] Well, I guess that's a good question, because I really didn't know what else was in there.

[314] So if they said, are there any sharp objects in there?

[315] Your guess is as good as mine, sir.

[316] Pack of Black Cat, some M80s, couple bottle rockets.

[317] Did you then have the leverage when you got home to say to your wife, I'm done mulling things to the East Coast.

[318] That ended with this trip.

[319] Absolutely.

[320] So after I got past security, I called her up immediately.

[321] And she's just laughing so hard on the phone.

[322] Oh, good for her.

[323] And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[324] I just packed like a bunch of hammy downs.

[325] And I'm like, well, couldn't you at least provide a mix of items so it makes it look a little less suspicious?

[326] Oh, my God.

[327] I told her at that point, this is the last suitcase I'm ever bringing back East, and it was.

[328] Oh, that's so funny.

[329] Later on, when I was a little calmer, I actually asked my wife and her family, what else had I been carrying on some of these previous trips?

[330] Oh, wow.

[331] And it turns out that on a previous trip, I had actually carried my sister -in -law's dog's ashes on a plate.

[332] Completely without my knowledge.

[333] Like, that could have been one of your armchair anonymous cremation stories, right?

[334] This, exactly.

[335] Wow, that was great.

[336] I can't imagine.

[337] Because most crimes I would be questioned about, part of me is like, this ain't bad for my rep. This is like, there's nothing that anyone would want less than to have people think of that about you.

[338] What a moment in time for you.

[339] It was pretty rough, but at the end of the day, I got through it.

[340] And I have a pretty good.

[341] story to share.

[342] That's a great story.

[343] It is wonderful.

[344] It is wonderful.

[345] Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

[346] That really got me. I did not see that coming.

[347] My pleasure.

[348] On a personal level, I'd like to thank both of you.

[349] A few years ago, I went through some pretty big upheavals in my life that really kind of beat me down.

[350] And one of my closest friends is an arm cherry.

[351] And they recommended your podcast as a sort of therapy and to help cheer me up.

[352] No. And I've been listening ever since and hearing both of you share and talk about your lives and your families and be frank about mental health and how life is sometimes messy, that really helped pull me out of it.

[353] Oh, my God, Daniel, we don't deserve that, but thank you so much.

[354] That makes us so happy to hear.

[355] I'm glad you've got a smile on your face.

[356] You deserve it.

[357] Thank you very much.

[358] Well, it's so nice to meet you, Daniel.

[359] Thank you for that compliment.

[360] That's beautiful.

[361] Thank you.

[362] Very nice meeting both of you, too.

[363] All right, take care.

[364] I'll look for you in an airport.

[365] Yeah, I'll be the guy at the, yeah, let's see no more.

[366] I know what to look for.

[367] Okay, sounds good.

[368] Take care.

[369] My bra was out.

[370] Oh, my God.

[371] He got to see some brassiere.

[372] Carmelo, too.

[373] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[374] He had the same effect on you as Carmelo?

[375] I liked him.

[376] Check your crotch.

[377] Has it exploded like the last time?

[378] It's covered.

[379] Feel free to put the chocolate vagina there to block the view.

[380] Oh, speaking of that, if anyone's wondering, we were supposed to post a picture.

[381] But when the picture came, I thought, this is so X -rayed.

[382] You know, it probably looked.

[383] It looked like my vagina.

[384] So I couldn't post it.

[385] No one shared that picture with me. Yeah, it was in the drop box.

[386] Oh, I missed it.

[387] Yeah.

[388] I feel like that's a feather in my cap.

[389] I'm shocked I missed that.

[390] It was a folder called Cunt Chocolate.

[391] Yeah.

[392] Oh.

[393] Yeah, it was very obvious.

[394] It was too striking to post.

[395] And that I want to just clear that.

[396] Because a lot of people did comment.

[397] Where's the panic?

[398] You had a pretty good hunch to be used for masturbatory purposes.

[399] No, I just thought, I think we'd, might get flagged on Instagram or something.

[400] I might lose her account.

[401] It might bring down the whole empire.

[402] Okay.

[403] Wow, man, fucking little girls under.

[404] Yeah, that got me. Hello?

[405] Hello, can you hear us?

[406] And what an extraordinary background you have.

[407] It looks like you're floating in the sky.

[408] They really does.

[409] Hey, guys.

[410] Tell us about this choice of screenshot.

[411] Did you take a drone shot of your yard?

[412] That is a drone shot.

[413] And, yeah, we just retired a couple years ago and got 35 acres out in Colorado.

[414] What part of Colorado?

[415] South of Pueblo, about an hour from the New Mexico border.

[416] It's not a great area in terms of tourists.

[417] Nobody comes here.

[418] That's kind of nice.

[419] We've always been in the city.

[420] In fact, I grew up in Detroit.

[421] Oh, no kidding.

[422] Whereabouts?

[423] Yep.

[424] A seven mile on telegraph right across from Edgewater.

[425] Wonderful.

[426] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[427] Now, what does your shirt say?

[428] Keep talking, I'm diagnosing you.

[429] Oh, that's great.

[430] Oh, that's really good.

[431] Okay, so you're retired.

[432] What year did the TSA situation happen?

[433] 2014.

[434] So I was heading to New York for a business trip, frequent flyer, TSA clearance, the whole bit.

[435] I don't think I've ever had to take my shoes off in the last probably 20 years.

[436] And so I passed through the scanner and immediately an agent calls me over and says you've been randomly selected.

[437] I'm about a half hour early, so I've got time.

[438] I'm not worried at all.

[439] And he asks politely if he can swab my bag and test it.

[440] I said, sure, go ahead.

[441] So he swipes the bag and puts it in the tester and the alarm rings.

[442] Oh.

[443] It didn't really worry me. It could be anything on the outside of a bag, right?

[444] So next he says, can I open your bag?

[445] He pokes around in there.

[446] He looks at the clothes, the dock kit, everything that's in there.

[447] And he swabs some of the items in there, and a second alarm goes off.

[448] Oh, okay.

[449] Were you thinking, oh, gunpowder residue?

[450] Do you shoot guns or anything?

[451] No. No. Okay.

[452] I have, but, you know, I'm not a regular shooter.

[453] I'm not a gun guy.

[454] So he says, do you mind if I swipe your hands?

[455] And I said, yeah, okay.

[456] And I see this concern coming over his face.

[457] You know, I looked down at my watch.

[458] I'm thinking, okay, this is going to take longer than I thought.

[459] I'm probably going to miss the flight.

[460] Oh, God.

[461] And I don't know if you've ever been to Keene's Steakhouse.

[462] in New York, but that was the first part of the trip.

[463] We were all going to eat at Keyes, and I was really looking forward to it.

[464] I've never been there.

[465] I'm pretty nervous now.

[466] You're covered in explosive residue somehow.

[467] Weird.

[468] Or the machines broken.

[469] And all of a sudden a second TSA agent arrives because they must have some signal.

[470] And so now there's two of them.

[471] They have small rooms kind of near the conveyors.

[472] I'm escorted in one of those rooms and the lead agent, he picks up his little radio and he calls for Harry and asks him to come to search room too.

[473] And I'm like, wow, I wonder who Harry is.

[474] Now I've been instructed to start taking my clothes off.

[475] And there's two agents in there.

[476] And I'm asking some questions.

[477] I'm like, why am I taking my clothes off?

[478] And he says, you're going to be strip searched and we have to do cavity surges.

[479] I remember to this day, my palms are sweating.

[480] I'm in the height of anxiety.

[481] I'm usually not a very anxious guy, but I'm in the height of it.

[482] And I'm stripped naked now.

[483] Oh, my gosh.

[484] And the two of them are standing there, and the one is putting the blue gloves on.

[485] Oh, my God.

[486] That's never a good sign, right?

[487] No, no. You don't want to hear cavity search and then see gloves come on.

[488] We've all been there.

[489] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[490] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[491] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[492] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[493] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[494] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[495] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

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[497] What's up, guys?

[498] This your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[499] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment.

[500] best and brightest, okay?

[501] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[502] And I don't mean just friends.

[503] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[504] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[505] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[506] So he starts explaining.

[507] Hold on a second.

[508] I thought you said he starts exploring.

[509] He said explaining, but I heard it.

[510] Exploring.

[511] And I was like, oh, my God.

[512] He started exploring.

[513] Just wait for it.

[514] Just wait for it.

[515] Okay, okay.

[516] He starts explaining what a cavity search is.

[517] And he's doing it so casually as if he's taking a McDonald's order.

[518] I was actually waiting for him to ask you want fries with that.

[519] Right.

[520] He said, what I'm going to be doing is I'm going to be looking in your mouth, your ears, your belly button, under your arms, and your rectum.

[521] Oh, here we go.

[522] Yeah, I knew that was coming.

[523] After he did all the other cavities, he said, I'd like you to bend over.

[524] And there's a table in there.

[525] No, this is...

[526] What if you go, this is hot?

[527] Could you have refused?

[528] I did a little research afterwards, and if you refuse, you're going to be there for a long time.

[529] You're going to be in another room, and it's going to probably land you in jail at some point.

[530] And there's a whole group of people that are fighting TSA over.

[531] reaching.

[532] But I understand.

[533] Yeah.

[534] They got to do their job.

[535] I don't want to be on a plane if there's explosives.

[536] Right.

[537] Of course.

[538] Guy who's got an ass cramful of explosives.

[539] Yeah.

[540] Yeah.

[541] I bend over and the glove disappears.

[542] Okay, sure, sure.

[543] Oh, fuck.

[544] Oh, my God.

[545] And at this point, I fully understand what a search is.

[546] It's not just an in and out thing.

[547] It's a search.

[548] And I'm thinking, you know, I should get like a hug.

[549] or a drink or something after this is over, right?

[550] Yeah, intimate.

[551] I said, Harry, I don't even know your last name yet.

[552] Yeah.

[553] Well, Harry hasn't shown up.

[554] Oh, he hasn't.

[555] He's not on the scene yet.

[556] Okay.

[557] So to this day, I cringe when I see blue gloves and my wife actually even buys skin -tone ones.

[558] We don't even have blue gloves in the house.

[559] Because PTSD.

[560] Yeah, a little bit of it.

[561] They had me dress.

[562] They leave the room.

[563] And I come out and they have me stand against the wall of this room, just kind of by the conveyors.

[564] And I noticed our whole TSA line has been closed down now.

[565] They're keeping the area clear.

[566] So the guy says, here comes Harry.

[567] And he is at least six, five, just a Goliath.

[568] He's got a flack jacket on with bomb squad.

[569] You know, I'm five, nine, 160 pounds.

[570] He was easy, 275 pounds.

[571] I thought the glove was the worst.

[572] I'm thinking this could even be worse.

[573] He's got a full utility belt on, two pistols, handcuffs, mace.

[574] He says, can I ask you some questions?

[575] Can I look through your bag?

[576] And he says, look, Jim, you've been thoroughly searched.

[577] You have nothing suspicious in your bag.

[578] But something's on your clothes.

[579] Something's on your body.

[580] And it's causing us great concern.

[581] We have to figure out what it is.

[582] So let's break down your day.

[583] From the moment you got up to when you arrived at this TSA checkpoint.

[584] Okay, so I got up.

[585] I showered.

[586] I shaved.

[587] Put some cream on.

[588] He says, what kind of cream is this that you put on?

[589] And do you have it with you?

[590] And I said, well, it's a dermatological cream that I just started using.

[591] And yeah, I got it in my bag.

[592] So I get it out.

[593] He puts a little cream on a swab and puts it in the machine.

[594] And sure enough, it alarmed.

[595] What?

[596] Whoa.

[597] He said, I think we got this figured out.

[598] Oh, my God.

[599] Why wouldn't they test the liquids first before putting their finger up your butt?

[600] Those two guys never ask all those questions.

[601] No, they were just itching to get up your butt.

[602] Yeah, they didn't want any, they didn't have time for any of the small talk.

[603] A little less conversation, a little more action is what they were thinking.

[604] Yeah, how many times do you get to do that?

[605] I had to run like hell to get to the flight I made it.

[606] Oh, wonderful.

[607] You got that steak?

[608] I got the steak.

[609] Oh, thank God.

[610] You earned it.

[611] And I told a story at the table with 10 people, and they were dying.

[612] Of course.

[613] As long as it happens to you, it's a really funny story.

[614] You know, as you were telling this, I was thinking a really terrible prank and a great prank would be doing to have like a novelty product that was a cologne for men that was just chalk full of fertilizer.

[615] So that when you went to the airport, you were guaranteed and you give it to someone you don't like for Christmas.

[616] Oh, wow.

[617] And in fact, for probably another six months to it.

[618] year at any meetings, the last day, the travel day, everyone would come up and say goodbye and they'd put their hands behind their back and they'd go, no, don't shake my hands.

[619] What is in the cream?

[620] It's a glycerin.

[621] Uh -huh.

[622] Oh, yeah.

[623] There we go, nitroglycerin.

[624] Wow.

[625] Don't put anything on that has glycerin unless you're going to wash your hands before you touch everything.

[626] Because when you think about it, you shower, put some cream on, put stuff in your carry on, zip it up put your shoes on it's all over the place yeah it's like those black light things where they put it in the chicken to see where it's all over your whole kitchen like you think you took it out put it in the frying pan wash your hands no it's fucking on the ceilings it's everywhere but glist I feel that's a very common yeah that reminds me of your one podcast I listened to about that worst house share oh oh psoriasisis yeah oh yeah everyone's still recover from that one that almost ended the show you'd think that would be on their list like they would know by now that a skin care product could potentially do because that's common in a lot of skin care I really started thinking they're going to find out the machine was misfiring you know I don't know but no wow glycerin you know I'm sorry you had that experience and I'm grateful for us that you had that experience well had I now had it I wouldn't be here I can't think of a more handsome man to do a cavity search on.

[627] You guys are great.

[628] Keep up the good work.

[629] Thank you, Jim.

[630] Great meeting you.

[631] All right.

[632] Thank you.

[633] Thanks you guys.

[634] All right.

[635] Take care.

[636] That guy's a good time, Charlie.

[637] People love working with him.

[638] Yeah.

[639] He reminded me of a Wilson.

[640] Like, he could have been.

[641] I can see that.

[642] Andrew.

[643] I can totally see that.

[644] Hello.

[645] Hello.

[646] Hi.

[647] Oh, wonderful.

[648] We can hear you delightfully.

[649] Can you hear us?

[650] Yes.

[651] Are you in the bathroom?

[652] I'm in my daughter.

[653] daughter's closet.

[654] My teen daughters.

[655] Where are you at in the country, Amanda?

[656] I'm in South Texas, but I'm originally from Alaska.

[657] I always like to say that because I'm very proud.

[658] I love that.

[659] People from Alaska, they know they're in the last frontier.

[660] Okay, well, that's on story.

[661] Moving means traveling, means flying.

[662] And of course, we are here to learn about a challenging TSA experience you've had.

[663] Yes.

[664] And I'd like to caveat by saying, I'm a very seasoned flyer with kids.

[665] I fly back up to Alaska to visit my family, oftentimes solo.

[666] I'm not bothered.

[667] I expect a certain level of chaos when traveling with children.

[668] And I'm prepared to handle a certain level of chaos.

[669] A lot of patience, a lot of just going with the flow.

[670] So I was not by myself.

[671] We were coming home from a holiday.

[672] Very busy airport.

[673] We were going to have an early flight before we even checked out of the hotel room.

[674] And it's 2014.

[675] It's probably important.

[676] This is not going to age well post -CO.

[677] the details of the story.

[678] So before we've even left the hotel room to get onto our shuttle, my two -year -old son has puked.

[679] Oh, boy.

[680] Sometimes kids are weird and it's one and done.

[681] Yes.

[682] You never know.

[683] So we're just like, we're just going to go to the airport.

[684] It's holiday rush.

[685] So it would be tricky to reschedule.

[686] I'm his person also.

[687] So like as long as I'm holding him, right?

[688] He's got mom.

[689] He's pretty compliant, pretty easy.

[690] going.

[691] We just grab a plastic bag from the hotel room.

[692] The ice bucket bag or the laundry bag?

[693] Like a plastic laundry bag, you know, and just set up on the shuttle.

[694] And I'm not even sure how I'll wear anybody else as of what's going on.

[695] He's just laying on me and about every five minutes, just quietly sitting up and just like puking into the bag.

[696] And then they'll like lay on me again.

[697] So it's not one and done.

[698] We got a situation.

[699] Yeah, we got a flu.

[700] Something not great.

[701] So by the time we get to the airport, I feel like it's winding down.

[702] We're getting to the bile phase.

[703] He'll be out soon, yeah.

[704] I'm like, okay, my husband is on older kid duty, luggage duty.

[705] I'm just with the sick kid.

[706] And it's very crowded at this airport.

[707] And we're just meandering through the security line with him puking every 10 minutes or so into this bag.

[708] Oh, you have a huge bag of puke.

[709] When you have children, you find yourself in some compromising situations.

[710] and it's just, that's part for the course.

[711] And I'm like, it's ending.

[712] There's no more that can come out.

[713] Once it's all out.

[714] So by the time we make it to security checkpoint, he's fallen asleep on my shoulder.

[715] So I'm like, this is fine.

[716] He's asleep.

[717] I think it's done.

[718] So I go through the metal detector with him asleep.

[719] And then a TSA agent pulls me off to the side to do a security check.

[720] So I'm told, ma 'am, please step on this mat.

[721] You can hold your son.

[722] I stand there and she says, very loudly.

[723] I need a security check on a female nonviolent and then she kind of turns her back on me. And so I'm standing there for just a couple of minutes.

[724] Every 30 seconds or so, she's saying into this walkie -talkie, I need a security check on a female non -violent and no one's coming.

[725] It's very busy.

[726] I can see my husband and my older kids and the luggage like all off waiting.

[727] And then I feel my son start to squirm.

[728] And I'm like, oh no. I don't have the bag with me anymore because you can't bring liquid.

[729] Especially puke.

[730] One of the policies I do agree with.

[731] Yeah, I'm for that.

[732] No bags of puke.

[733] Yeah, I attempt to say, Hi, my son is sick.

[734] And she's so annoyed that I'm even talking to her.

[735] Like, there's an eye roll and like a, ma 'am, just stand on the mat.

[736] So I'm like, I guess he's just going to throw up in me. Like, I don't know what else to do.

[737] Because I don't know what will happen if I step off the mat.

[738] It has progressed from stage one of a sickness to stage two of a sickness.

[739] Oh, okay.

[740] Diarrhea.

[741] So he's two.

[742] He's in a diaper.

[743] I feel him.

[744] Evacuate.

[745] Start to go.

[746] Mm -hmm.

[747] Mm -hmm.

[748] Yeah.

[749] And then it just keeps going and keeps going.

[750] And then I feel like a lot of warmth.

[751] Oh, my God.

[752] I want to die.

[753] This is every parent's a nightmare.

[754] Oh.

[755] Right.

[756] His head's on my shoulder.

[757] His front is to my front.

[758] My arms are supporting underneath him and his legs.

[759] And it's coming out of everywhere.

[760] Oh, full blow.

[761] Oh.

[762] I can feel it on my arms.

[763] I can feel it on my hands.

[764] Oh, my God.

[765] And so I'm like, hi, my son is just diarrhea.

[766] I can't get a sentence out.

[767] She's, ma 'am, no talking.

[768] Please stand on the mat.

[769] You're a much better person than me. Oh, yeah, you would have now, it'd be war and I would go, I don't care if I'm even arrested.

[770] I'm going to tell you you're being really fucking inhumane.

[771] Please get a fucking right.

[772] You're like, yeah, I would have been a bad.

[773] I'm impressed.

[774] No, I just stand.

[775] there and it's not smelling great.

[776] He's sick.

[777] Yeah, it's sick shit.

[778] And it's hot smelling.

[779] You know what I mean?

[780] I do.

[781] I checked with my husband too.

[782] It felt like I was standing there for a long time.

[783] I checked with him with his memory.

[784] And he was like, yeah, you were standing there for like 10 minutes after this.

[785] Like just continuing to stand there.

[786] So I'm just standing with the poop.

[787] Eventually somebody comes over.

[788] Hi, we're going to do the pat down.

[789] And I said, that's fine.

[790] I'm covered in diarrhea.

[791] Yeah.

[792] I can't even get a sentence out.

[793] They're like, ma 'am, just stand.

[794] there, let me do the pad down.

[795] And I'm like, okay, that's fine.

[796] That's fine.

[797] So I'm like shifting my son who slept through this whole thing.

[798] You know, they're like swiping down my front.

[799] There's clearly like a bright, yeah, like bright brown whatever on my sweater.

[800] They're swiping down the front.

[801] And then they asked me to hold out my hands to swab for bomb powder.

[802] And I said, my hands are covered in diarrhea.

[803] Can I go wipe them?

[804] Absolutely not.

[805] Absolutely not.

[806] You need to stand there.

[807] This is not like the essence of diarrhea.

[808] They're like shiny.

[809] Like you just put your hands in a bucket of it.

[810] Yeah.

[811] So I hold out my hands and he swipes.

[812] And get shit all over his little swab.

[813] Okay.

[814] It was like tissue paper and it absolutely got like wet.

[815] And then they put it on some sort of sensor.

[816] And they ruined their fucking machine over this?

[817] It came up negative.

[818] What if they came back and they said?

[819] that it is H1N1.

[820] Your son has bird flu.

[821] I know, right.

[822] Is it testing for all of that?

[823] Yeah, so then I'm told I can finally step off the mat.

[824] So I go into a bathroom and I change my son.

[825] I change myself.

[826] There's a tram that leads from security to the terminal.

[827] So I kind of set him down, just kind of take a breather for a second before the train comes to take us away.

[828] Pick him up, step onto the train.

[829] And as I turn around, the very last thing that I see on an empty platform is that my son has thrown up one final time.

[830] And as the doors closed, my husband and I are just staring at this pile of puve on the platform and then we're whisked away to our terminal.

[831] Oh, tales from parenthood.

[832] Oh, my God.

[833] If that doesn't prevent a lot of people from having kids, I can't imagine anything more persuasive.

[834] It's hard for me to do.

[835] but I know how annoyed I am when I'm in the TSA line watching the other human beings who step up to the conveyor belt and it's just now occurred to them they're going to have to put their shit on there.

[836] That drives me bonkers.

[837] I'm like, how the fuck have you been standing here for 30 minutes and now when it's time to have your license and your ticket out?

[838] You don't have it out.

[839] That drives me nuts just standing behind it.

[840] I only see it for 10 minutes of my day.

[841] So they are watching people act like absolute fucking idiots who are not paying attention to anything.

[842] That has to really great on people.

[843] So I'm sympathetic to them.

[844] But boy, that whole thing with the ma 'am, no talking, standing here, that is very triggering for me. I get it why they're annoyed and also I can't stand it.

[845] I mean, it was the holiday rush.

[846] And I think I'd like to have some grace for maybe the fact that they really couldn't do anything.

[847] Maybe it is policy.

[848] Like they just can't.

[849] But there was just no engagement of any of it.

[850] It was just shut down.

[851] And then just standing there kind of waiting and waiting with nobody coming and it just felt very awkward and you feel trapped kind of.

[852] Yeah.

[853] That's pretty nuts.

[854] You're just standing there covered in poop and you can't address it.

[855] On minute nine, you're starting to consider the notion that you could be standing here for 40 minutes.

[856] You start getting that feeling like, no one's coming.

[857] No one cares.

[858] No one's coming.

[859] And it was very busy.

[860] Would you have preferred puke or was poop but the better option?

[861] I think the poop.

[862] Yeah.

[863] I agree.

[864] I like the poop because it's also a Fuck you to them.

[865] It's a little bit of a god even like, okay, you wanted to treat me like I'm an inhumane animal.

[866] Well, now you have shit on YouTube.

[867] That part would have felt like poetic justice a little bit.

[868] Yeah, I mean, at that point, I'm like, fine, wipe me down.

[869] Whose idea was it to pull me aside?

[870] Right, exactly.

[871] You look a little suspicious if I'm being honest as I look at you here.

[872] Yeah, I think like, oh, she's not as nice as she presents.

[873] There's something under the surface.

[874] She could be trying to get away with something.

[875] Yeah.

[876] I'm not trouble at.

[877] You are big, big trouble.

[878] I can tell.

[879] What wonderful meeting you, Amanda.

[880] I'm so sorry you had that experience.

[881] And I hope you resent your child still to this day.

[882] That's all I can hope.

[883] I asked his permission.

[884] He's 10 now.

[885] That was nice.

[886] He knows I love this podcast and I listen to it all the time.

[887] And he said, if you had to submit a picture of me, I would do that even for you to get on the podcast.

[888] Oh, what a good boy.

[889] I don't know.

[890] I can't resent.

[891] What a nice boy.

[892] He better love his mommy.

[893] She held his shitty body for hours.

[894] I might do a little matchmaking here.

[895] Same age as Lincoln.

[896] Maybe we'll get something crack in here.

[897] He's trying to be a good wingman for her.

[898] Sure.

[899] Well, Amanda, it's wonderful meeting you.

[900] I'm sorry you had that experience, but thank you so much for telling us that story.

[901] Oh, it's so great to meet you both.

[902] Thank you so much.

[903] Our pleasure.

[904] All right, take care.

[905] Bye.

[906] Thank you.

[907] Wow.

[908] Lots going on at the airport.

[909] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[910] I got patted down last.

[911] time?

[912] They didn't explore your cavity.

[913] No, I've never had my cavities explore.

[914] My mother claims that she's had like, I don't know, six or so cavities.

[915] No. Yes, yes, yes.

[916] Well, she had a few when I was younger going into Canada.

[917] So then, not too long ago, during COVID, I don't know if you remember this whole thing.

[918] She got in her car and she just drove around the country and then she wanted to take the Canadian route home.

[919] She got pulled aside as she always does.

[920] She's a 70 -year -old woman.

[921] And they dug through all of her stuff and they found like a weed gummy that she didn't know she had in there and then that warranted a full cavity that did yes this is according to her really okay and she's been now through the border a couple other times and now immediately she said it's just first stop she's been flagged and they pull her aside and then they search her cavity it is hard for me to believe that it's that frequent does she maybe think cavity mean something else no no no no She'd be happy, Rob, to tell you in all details what exactly the search was like.

[922] Yeah, because I've never in my life heard of this happening.

[923] This is the first time I've heard.

[924] I think I wouldn't go for it.

[925] I think I'd be like, yeah, whatever, kick me up this flight.

[926] I'm not letting you, Mike, the stranger, go up my asshole.

[927] I feel like this adds a new weird layer, like people with trauma.

[928] Yeah, I'm not like nuding up in front of two dudes and letting them explore.

[929] Yeah.

[930] What's the other option I get kicked out of this airport?

[931] I prefer that.

[932] Well, no, I guess it would be like they'd take.

[933] you to jail?

[934] But they can't arrest you for not complying for a cavity search.

[935] They might.

[936] They don't have any authority.

[937] That's the thing.

[938] Well, they would call the police.

[939] Yes, they would call the police.

[940] And the police would come and arrest you.

[941] And then I would say, yeah, look at my bag, look under my armpits.

[942] I'm not consenting to a cavity search.

[943] And then I really don't think there's a world in which they've then arrest me. I don't know.

[944] Who knows?

[945] Hopefully I never find out.

[946] And you know what?

[947] Maybe it's just the right state of mind.

[948] Maybe I ought to be like, oh, sure.

[949] Get up there, poke around.

[950] I'll try to have this be fun.

[951] What do they, I guess if it's a woman, they might have females in there.

[952] Like, they definitely can't have two men and a naked woman.

[953] Like, what?

[954] Right.

[955] No, it's got to be same sex.

[956] Right.

[957] I wonder, what do you think about this?

[958] This is too much.

[959] But what if I did consent?

[960] And then when they were pulling their finger out, I pushed and purposely pooped on the floor in there.

[961] Okay.

[962] I mean, they got to expect that that can.

[963] By the way, that has to happen pretty frequently.

[964] Yeah, I'm sure.

[965] Yeah, you put something in the butt, you pull it out, things come.

[966] with it pretty often.

[967] Can't they x -ray your asshole?

[968] Why do they got to have a man?

[969] I know.

[970] You'd think technology would be better at this point.

[971] But they don't want to be doing it.

[972] That's the piece I don't think people want to acknowledge because they want them to be like evil.

[973] Yeah, of course, us and them.

[974] They don't want to be spending their day sticking their finger up poopy assholes.

[975] They don't.

[976] That is their job to prevent something bad from happening.

[977] Weirdly, like the guy said, I am grateful that they're kind of going to lengths.

[978] We should end on that note.

[979] We're very, very grateful that they're trying their hardest to keep us safe.

[980] Yeah.

[981] And I need to focus on that.

[982] They're doing a hard job.

[983] I mean, that's they doing a hard job.

[984] Absolutely.

[985] If I'm bad on this side of it, I'm at least admitting.

[986] Yeah.

[987] Again, I can barely get through the line with the dumb dumps that fucking, I don't know why people wait to be told what to do in life.

[988] It drives me bonkers.

[989] So yeah, I would be.

[990] like, dude, literally, is this your first implantor that you don't know you're going to have to show me your fucking ticket when you step up to here?

[991] It'd be maddeny.

[992] I totally understand.

[993] All right.

[994] I love you.

[995] Let's end in a positive note.

[996] I love you.

[997] Good luck on your next trip.

[998] Let's hope none of them listen to this.

[999] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1000] We don't have a thing song for this new show.

[1001] So here I go, go, go.

[1002] We're going to ask some random questions And with the help of armcherry's, we'll get some suggestions On the flyer rhyme dish, on the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1003] You can listen to every episode of Armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

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