Avery Blaze

[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

[1] Want to talk to Conan?

[2] Visit team cocoa .com slash call Conan.

[3] Okay, let's get started.

[4] Welcome, Pauline.

[5] Hey, Pauline.

[6] Hi, it's so nice to see you guys and meet you.

[7] It's nice to see you, Pauline.

[8] Where are you right now?

[9] I'm in Sacramento.

[10] Okay, let me tell you what I remember about Sacramento.

[11] I remember being in Sacramento and saying, where should I go?

[12] And they said, the old riverboat.

[13] There's a riverboat.

[14] And then I went to the riverboat, and I had lunch and then later on I said, what's a good place to go?

[15] And someone else said, the riverboat.

[16] I said, yeah, I was at the riverboat.

[17] And then I saw a third person and before I even said anything, that person said riverboat.

[18] And I guess that's the one thing to do in Sacramento.

[19] Tell me if I'm wrong, Pauline.

[20] It's not the most happening of town.

[21] When everyone always says, it's two hours from where you'd rather be.

[22] Oh, shit.

[23] I wish so, I wish I had a bumper sticker that Sacramento, two hours from where you'd rather be.

[24] I know.

[25] Well, I moved here from South Carolina, so what does that say about me?

[26] I chose this.

[27] Well, first of all, I'm going to get an angry letter from the Sacramento Tourism Council, but I'm going to forward it to you, Pauline, because it's all your fault.

[28] I did have a good time at that riverboat.

[29] I just think they need one other thing.

[30] You can't just have the riverboat.

[31] Right.

[32] And thank God they have a river, because I almost feel like.

[33] I think they'd have the riverboat even if there wasn't a river in Sacramento.

[34] I think so.

[35] They would get like a large puddle and just put it right there.

[36] They would just put it there and it would completely cover the puddle and know what you'd have to say, take our word for it.

[37] There's water underneath it.

[38] There's a six inch diameter blob of water.

[39] Pauline, you came from, you said South Carolina?

[40] Yes.

[41] I've nerded out in South Carolina.

[42] I'm a bit of a history buff and I'm one of those guys that went to like Fort Sumter just geeked out.

[43] out looking at all the Civil War stuff there.

[44] So when you were growing up, were there a lot of nerdy Civil War reenactors hanging around South Carolina?

[45] Yes, there were.

[46] And we had, like, in the third grade, like a whole unit on South Carolina history and it's just so much of like everything good that we did in the Revolutionary War and then get to the Civil War.

[47] And it's like, well, you know.

[48] We kind of started it.

[49] We kind of started it.

[50] Do you have a lot of riverboats there?

[51] Don't you?

[52] They do, actually.

[53] They have some.

[54] But, yeah, South Carolina kind of started it.

[55] But, of course, that was a long time ago.

[56] Yes.

[57] And you got out of there and went to Sacramento, which, as far as I know, never harmed anyone except with its riverboat food.

[58] Yes.

[59] Over and over again, what do you do, Pauline?

[60] I work for a company called Stitch Fix.

[61] Oh, I think we've done ads for them We have I think Are you tricking us To do yet another ad Is you getting us to talk about Stitch Fix now?

[62] It's funny if now And this fan thing People started calling in and saying Hey Conan, I'm just a huge fan And then it was clear they didn't know much about me They didn't know who Matt or Sona were And then they'd be like, anyway And I go like, what do you do?

[63] I work for Exxon.

[64] Conan, we are working hard To find future energy sources For an America that really needs it, Exxon So you're here to do an ad for Stitch Fix.

[65] No, you're not.

[66] You found me out.

[67] Well, tell people what Stitch Fix is.

[68] And this is not an ad.

[69] It's going to be.

[70] This is a real human being named Pauline just talking about what she happens to do.

[71] So what do you do for Stitch Fix and what do they do?

[72] So Stitch Fix is a company that styles people like online.

[73] So a personal stylist picks out clothes for you and then they send it to you and you try it on at home.

[74] and would just be like really convenient for people right now and the pandemic and everything.

[75] So I do a little bit of that.

[76] I also work on their blog and write some content and do some customer service stuff too.

[77] Let me ask you a question.

[78] Would you, do you have that ability to style people yourself?

[79] Yes.

[80] Is that something you can do with me?

[81] Be honest.

[82] And you can just be brutal if you have to be.

[83] I just, what would you do for me?

[84] How should I dress compared to how maybe you've seen me dress in the past?

[85] Yeah.

[86] I mean, well, I'm a fan of the jackets you've been doing.

[87] those have been great and I like the visual tricks you do with your torso and your legs making sure they look nice and proportional.

[88] That is so, you've noticed that.

[89] You've noticed that I try to change my body proportions with my clothes.

[90] That's exactly right.

[91] You're right, Pauline.

[92] I do that.

[93] You're on the right trick.

[94] Yes, yes.

[95] I wish that you didn't notice that because it means it's not working if you're noticing it.

[96] But then again, you're an expert.

[97] Yeah, that's my keen eye.

[98] So he should stay away from, like, high -wasted pants, right?

[99] Because then it just seems as though, like, 90 % of his body is just leg.

[100] Okay, let's take it easy.

[101] I'm sorry.

[102] You're, like, on the attack right now.

[103] It's not 90%.

[104] I've had it measured.

[105] It's 85 .8 % of my body is leg.

[106] And it's been a rough life for me as a circus attraction.

[107] But what about, what about, what about, Bibb overalls, Pauline.

[108] I was thinking that.

[109] If I wore bib overalls, you wouldn't know where my torso, where my legs ended and where my torso started.

[110] Well, yeah, I suppose I wouldn't, but I think I'd have some other questions that would maybe step in.

[111] Well, I'd clearly work in agriculture.

[112] Yes.

[113] I think it presents as a guy who's working with the earth.

[114] I think that's very attractive in and of itself.

[115] Very relatable, very manly.

[116] Yeah, very relatable.

[117] I like it.

[118] Well, that's what I'm going with.

[119] I've got to start wearing bib overalls.

[120] And I'm going to say that Pauline from Stitch Fix told me to.

[121] See, now you know this isn't an ad.

[122] And you're going to get fired.

[123] Now, listen, Pauline, I'm concerned.

[124] I'm concerned because you are a young, attractive person, and you're living in Sacramento when I worry, is there enough of a life there for you?

[125] Is there a community?

[126] Do you have friends?

[127] I do have a friend.

[128] but I did bring her with me from South Carolina.

[129] You had her FedEx to you in a tube.

[130] I packed her in the trunk.

[131] Wait, you brought a, so you have a friend and you said, I'm going to Sacramento and you're coming with me?

[132] Yeah, it was a joint decision.

[133] We had like both graduated from college, and we thought there wasn't much going on in the town we were living in in South Carolina.

[134] We thought, well, Sacramento, though, that's promising.

[135] So we just, we packed up my car, and we moved across the country.

[136] Right.

[137] So it's like Dorothy, except instead of the Emerald City, it's Sacramento.

[138] Yes.

[139] Okay.

[140] There is a version where Dorothy's just trying to get to Sacramento.

[141] And it was released by MGM and it really didn't do well.

[142] So that's it.

[143] I mean, that's it.

[144] You have one friend there.

[145] No, you've made other friends.

[146] You've got a community of young hipsters that you hang out with?

[147] Yes.

[148] a young hipster.

[149] No, I don't really.

[150] I live with my boyfriend, so I've got him too.

[151] And I have a pet rabbit who's kind of...

[152] Oh, that's our second pet rabbit on Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

[153] Yeah, that's the second rabbit.

[154] We're clearly just attracting rabbit people now.

[155] Oh, rabbit people.

[156] Oh, no. Trust me, there's a whole psychological profile that the FBI has on rabbit people.

[157] Is it that they're not good at making friends and a little?

[158] scared.

[159] No, no, not at all.

[160] No, Pauline, you're very down on yourself and that's terrible that you went negative.

[161] No, it just means that you're probably a compulsive thief.

[162] They all do live in Sacramento.

[163] Yeah, exactly.

[164] They're all just all one river boat together with their rabbits.

[165] Wait, so boyfriend, boyfriend you met in Sacramento or came with you from South Carolina?

[166] He came, we were here for a few months and then he joined us from South Carolina.

[167] Right.

[168] So you are getting people to move to Sacramento.

[169] That's right.

[170] Yeah, I'm really...

[171] You know, there's a lot of people leaving California right now.

[172] There are.

[173] And they're headed to, like, Texas, and they're probably headed to South Carolina because they feel like it's too expensive here.

[174] And you are single -handedly turning it around, Pauline.

[175] You should get some kind of medal from the governor because you are bringing people to Sacramento.

[176] He's in Sacramento.

[177] I mean, it is the state's capital.

[178] Yeah, go up to him and ask him.

[179] Yeah, go up to be like...

[180] Hey, Governor Newsom, will you give me an award?

[181] Yeah, and guess what?

[182] You know he keeps medals in his glove compartment of his Honda Civic.

[183] He has them.

[184] So you can just say, hey, Newsom, I brought, I convinced my boyfriend and my friend, plus I moved here too.

[185] That's three people that have joined the tax base.

[186] Open up the glove compartment on your Civic and give me one of those 19 medals you have rattling around in there.

[187] And you'll do it.

[188] All right.

[189] Well, I'll just go do it.

[190] I'll just walk down the street.

[191] He's right there.

[192] I'm going to recon this for you.

[193] first.

[194] I don't want you just rushing around, rushing up to governors.

[195] I think it could be a security thing.

[196] And what does your boyfriend do?

[197] He is a jazz musician.

[198] Oh, my God.

[199] That's so cool.

[200] What is his instrument?

[201] He plays the bass.

[202] Oh, my God.

[203] Those are the coolest people.

[204] I'm so, I don't know why I'm suddenly like mad at him.

[205] Yeah.

[206] I feel like.

[207] The upright, the upright base, right?

[208] Yeah, he also does electric, but for jazz, usually the upright.

[209] Oh, my God.

[210] Those are the best people.

[211] stand a chance against that guy.

[212] I was going to try and say something kind of negative about him just to make myself feel better.

[213] It's that sad level that I'm at.

[214] And I can't.

[215] He plays the upright bass.

[216] That's like a real musician plays the upright bass, because the upright bass doesn't even have frets on it.

[217] You just have to know where the note is.

[218] It's this weird thing.

[219] There's no fret on that upright bass.

[220] There's no...

[221] But jazz musicians are like, hey man, the note is where I say it is.

[222] The note is where I feel it is.

[223] And they're like, damn it, they're right.

[224] What's his name?

[225] His name is Avery.

[226] Whoa.

[227] Okay, take it easy, Matt.

[228] Yeah, that name is cool, too.

[229] I mean, this guy's got it coming and going.

[230] Is his last name, Blaze?

[231] Is he Avery Blaze?

[232] How did you know?

[233] You've met him.

[234] I just know these things.

[235] Avery Blaze.

[236] Wow.

[237] All right.

[238] Well, what's he doing right now?

[239] How come he's not in the apartment?

[240] I told him it would make me even more nervous.

[241] So he's sitting outside in his car.

[242] Wait, you just somehow outcooled Avery Blaze.

[243] Wow, Avery is so devoted to you that you can just make him, hey, Avery, I'm about to talk to Conan, Matt and Sona, get out, go sit in the car.

[244] And it's really hot in L .A. right now.

[245] It's like 110 degrees out.

[246] Sacramento, it's probably 160 degrees because you guys have that active volcano.

[247] I'm just putting a little thought out there.

[248] for people.

[249] I didn't know that.

[250] You should not be nervous talking to us.

[251] We're just folk.

[252] We're just folk.

[253] I listen to you guys like every day though.

[254] And like Con I've been obsessed with you since I was like 12 years old.

[255] Like that's always my answer to like everything of like, oh, is your celebrity crush who are who would you like love to meet?

[256] I like put you on a college essay one time.

[257] I won't say if I got into that college or not.

[258] I'm going to guess that would be a big no. Oh, Pauline, that's so nice.

[259] I mean, first of all, it's very nice to meet you.

[260] And I'm honored to have you as a long -time fan because you're very cool.

[261] Not quite as cool as Avery, but that's not.

[262] But who is?

[263] What are we going to do about that?

[264] No, that's really sweet.

[265] That's very nice.

[266] I think it was a terrible mistake to use me as a reference in a college essay.

[267] But you were trying to become a physicist at MIT, and you weren't interested in.

[268] physics at all and had never taken a physics course.

[269] So that's, that's on you.

[270] And then dropping my name in the, in the MIT essay, that's on, that was an even bigger thing.

[271] They just ripped up the application when they saw me. They actually have a machine that can detect if a college application has a reference to me anywhere, it can detect it before they even open it.

[272] And it goes right to a shredder.

[273] Oh, oh, no. Yeah, that's on you.

[274] Pauline, was there anything I could do for you?

[275] Because I like you and you've been very loyal to me. Do you have a question for me?

[276] Is there anything I can answer for you?

[277] Yeah.

[278] So, you know, during quarantine and everything, like I've had a lot of friends, obviously not here, but some of them here, some of them back home who have been going through, like, relationship troubles, like ups and downs.

[279] And I have, like, a certain, like, very, like, loving approach when you're in a breakup.

[280] And I wondered, like, if I was going through a breakup and you were, like, my best girlfriend, how would you cheer me up?

[281] Like, how would you help me out of my slump?

[282] So the only way I can do this is if I change genders, why do I have to change my gender?

[283] Why do I have to be your best girlfriend?

[284] Why can't I do it just as a very woke and feminine man?

[285] That you are.

[286] You can do it that way.

[287] I meaning I already am that, yeah.

[288] Well, first of all, is everything okay with you in Avery?

[289] Because now I'm concerned about Avery.

[290] You're asking me for breakup advice.

[291] And Avery's sitting in a 140 -degree car like an abused dog.

[292] Yeah, did you crack the windows?

[293] Yeah, you've got to crack the window with an Avery.

[294] You can't just leave an Avery in a car with locked windows.

[295] Some policemen's breaking those windows.

[296] right now and giving him some ice.

[297] So everything's cool with you and Ayer.

[298] Yes, no, we're all good.

[299] Okay.

[300] Yeah, I want that to be very clear.

[301] Me and Avery Blaze are doing great.

[302] Evry Blase.

[303] Well, of course, yes, Avery Blaze.

[304] Avery is now passed on because he's been in the car for 40 minutes.

[305] I'm sorry.

[306] Come on.

[307] This is a public service announcement.

[308] Do not leave an upright jazz bassist in a locked car during a heat wave.

[309] That's just something you've got to know.

[310] Um, tell me he doesn't wear a beret ever.

[311] Does he ever wear a beret?

[312] No, no, no. Okay, good.

[313] Conan.

[314] Well, I'm sorry.

[315] That was going to be a deal breaker.

[316] Um, what would I tell you, Avery, seriously?

[317] If you were going through a breakup?

[318] Or just any friend.

[319] I'm sorry, not you, Avery.

[320] Pauline, what would I say to you?

[321] Or what would I say to any friend?

[322] Like, you have a friend.

[323] They're going through a breakup.

[324] How do you pick him up?

[325] Um, I honestly, well, I'm just going to say, if I was talking to you, I would say, because that's just the easiest way to do it.

[326] because there are some people, look, there's some people who I'd say you've got to fix this relationship immediately because you're not going to get another one.

[327] I've said that.

[328] Jesus Christ.

[329] No, I mean, I'm talking about when a terrible, I'm friends with some terrible people.

[330] Sona, I'm friends with some terrible people.

[331] And you know that.

[332] You know that, especially in this business, I tell them, no, you're a psychopath.

[333] You've got to fix this.

[334] I've said that.

[335] What's the worst thing you can say?

[336] Well, trust me, Sona, think about it.

[337] some of the people I've met in this industry.

[338] Okay.

[339] If they came to me and said, I'm going through a breakup, I would say you've got to get back into that relationship because that person made you so much more tolerable.

[340] But I would say to you, Pauline, specifically, I would say you're young.

[341] You've got your whole life ahead of you.

[342] There were so many times in my life when I thought, when I went through a breakup or something and I thought I was devastated and I just thought this is it, my life is over and it wasn't.

[343] So I think, I tell very young people that your perspective completely changes later on in life.

[344] I don't know if you know exactly how old I am.

[345] You can look it up on Wikipedia but I'm almost 40.

[346] Pauline, very close to 40.

[347] I believe it.

[348] Actually just celebrated my 32nd birthday.

[349] I'm going to keep chipping away at my age.

[350] No, at my mom, My age, I just turned 58, at my age, I have a whole new appreciation for soft foods.

[351] Soft foods.

[352] Thank you.

[353] Grip bars at the toilet.

[354] I really like, I like to lower myself down using my forearm strength.

[355] I like the medical alert thing when I fall.

[356] I sometimes use that when I haven't fallen.

[357] I just call them and say, hey, and they're like, well, did you fall?

[358] And I go, no, I'm good.

[359] I just, you know, want to chat.

[360] They get really mad when I do that.

[361] But I think it's all about perspective.

[362] So I would tell a lot of my friends, you know, there's so many cliches and I hate cliches about one door closing, another opening.

[363] But I say that it's exciting.

[364] This next chapter is going to be very exciting.

[365] And bet on yourself.

[366] Bet on yourself is something I tell a lot of the young people that work for me. Don't settle.

[367] And you've heard me have that conversation with many people on our staff.

[368] Yeah, you've had it with me When I've broken up with some guys, you've, you've actually been a really good person to talk to, which is surprising.

[369] He's, he's shockingly, I shouldn't say that.

[370] That's not nice.

[371] But he's very sincere.

[372] And, you know, there'll be times where we'll be at, like, a holiday party for work.

[373] And then, you know, I just, like, go talk to, go near him.

[374] And he's talking to one of their staffers who's just, like, pouring their heart out to him.

[375] Right.

[376] There's, you know.

[377] Well, I like, I really do, I have a lot of young people that work for me. And I have had this talk a lot.

[378] which is bet on yourself and it's something I specifically say to the women on my staff but I just say don't don't settle and be nice to yourself and demand that you get the best person.

[379] So that's what I would say to you, Pauline.

[380] I like the sound of Avery Blaze.

[381] I like everything about him.

[382] Is he the one?

[383] We'll see.

[384] Time will tell.

[385] I have to meet him before you can...

[386] I'm so jealous.

[387] I'm so goddamn jealous.

[388] You're so jealous.

[389] I just am.

[390] He's got me beat in every...

[391] Musicians are so much cooler than comedians and he's got me beat on every level.

[392] This is going to go straight to his head.

[393] This is going to go...

[394] You can never hear this.

[395] This is going to blow him up too much.

[396] I want to be Avery Blaze.

[397] Listen, I'm coming up there.

[398] Pauline, this is going to get creepy, but I'm coming up there to meet with you and Avery.

[399] I have to meet him and I have to approve of him.

[400] You've been a fan of mine for a long time and I need to take him to the riverboat, just the two of us, him and I. And we have to talk man to man. We've got to straighten some shit out.

[401] I'm not going to fight him.

[402] I'm going to fight him when his back is turned.

[403] Guys that work with the upright base usually have pretty good arm strength.

[404] I am going to attack him when his arm is turned and when he's had a lot to drink, when his head is turned.

[405] I think that's fair.

[406] That's fair.

[407] Yeah.

[408] You're a terrible person.

[409] But Pauline, yeah, I'm a fan of yours and I'm so happy to get to know you and sorry about, you know, Sacramento, but it's all going to get better.

[410] You'll see.

[411] It's all, everything's going your way.

[412] I'm telling you, big things are on the way for you.

[413] Thank you so much.

[414] It was so nice to meet all three of you.

[415] I love you all so much.

[416] Thank you for this.

[417] Yeah, and thanks for listening to us.

[418] It's nice to know you're out there.

[419] It really is.

[420] Thank you.

[421] Awesome.

[422] Okay, Pauline.

[423] I'm going to go buy some bib overalls right now.

[424] Through Stitch Fix.

[425] Damn it.

[426] Damn it.

[427] Now they owe us money.

[428] Now they owe you money.

[429] Yeah, I hope.

[430] Hey, nice to meet you, Pauline.

[431] Nice to meet you, too.

[432] Y 'all take care.

[433] You too.

[434] Good to talk.

[435] Pauline.

[436] Needs a Fan.

[437] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Goorley.

[438] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[439] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[440] Music by Jimmy Vivino.

[441] Supervising producer Aaron Blaird, Associate Talent Producer Jennifer Samples, Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm, engineered by Will Bechton.

[442] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcast Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[443] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.