MFM Minisode 265

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hello.

[2] And welcome to my favorite murder.

[3] The minisode.

[4] It's Minnie.

[5] It's the one where we reach you your emails.

[6] You know, at this point in your life.

[7] And if you just got here, what we just said is what's about to happen.

[8] That's pretty easy.

[9] Do you want to go first?

[10] Sure.

[11] I'll go first.

[12] I'm going to do it.

[13] Okay.

[14] All right.

[15] This one's called, what are the SWAT team and a 10 -inch Dildo have in common?

[16] Right off the bat, starting hard and heavy.

[17] Shock and awe?

[18] The shock of them.

[19] Hi, y 'all.

[20] Hope everyone is doing dandy.

[21] I'm a sophomore in college and I've been listening to your podcast since I was 16.

[22] Oh.

[23] It's the only one I listen to and I absolutely love it.

[24] Well, thanks.

[25] I know.

[26] Thank you.

[27] I'm an only child.

[28] So listening to y 'all is like getting to have the older sisters I always wanted.

[29] Now let's get into the story.

[30] When I grew up, I lived in Texas.

[31] not Republicans, I promise.

[32] My parents loved to flip houses and would often run them out to tenants after the remodel.

[33] The house next door to the one I grew up in was purchased by my family and split into an upstairs unit and a downstairs unit.

[34] Because both houses shared a yard, we always became good friends with our renters next door.

[35] Adorable.

[36] The upstairs unit housed a woman that I called Princess Shannon because every morning she would brush her long, beautiful brunette hair out on the balcony.

[37] and I thought it made her magical.

[38] What is up Shannon?

[39] Shannon's living her best life for sure.

[40] She really is.

[41] All of this happened over the summer during my seventh grade year where horrid neon chevron prints were all the rage as well as those weird clip art mustaches.

[42] No offense, Stephen.

[43] Clip art mustaches.

[44] Remember people were like getting them tattooed on their finger?

[45] Yeah, they were a part of our lives.

[46] Yeah, they were hot.

[47] Princess Shannon had a boyfriend that lived with her but was always at a town on business trips because he said he had meetings in Dallas with big money corporations.

[48] They were both run -of -the -mill people and very sweet anytime we chatted or ate a big outdoor dinner together.

[49] So it was to my dad's surprise when he got back home from dropping me off at drill team practice to see the SWAT team swarming our property.

[50] My dad raced up to the nearest officer and frantically asked what was going on and explained that he was the landlord.

[51] Apparently those business meetings Shannon's boyfriend had been taking were actually trips to the Texas border and then in New Mexico smuggling drugs into the U .S. My dad gobsmacked beyond belief watched as the boyfriend was escorted from the premises and to the squad car next to where my dad stood with the officer.

[52] My dad recounts that the boyfriend turned to him in cuffs, shrugged and said, sorry about this, Fred.

[53] Oh.

[54] We're not sure if Shannon knew or not, but she promptly moved out after the sort of deal.

[55] And wait, there's more.

[56] My parents didn't tell me this fact until just a few months ago because they deem me old enough.

[57] And I was like, finally, I can tell the girls something juicy.

[58] That's us.

[59] When my parents were checking over the empty unit after she had gone, they found, and I kid you not, a 10 -inch double -ended, sparkly pink dildo.

[60] Whoa.

[61] And then there's seven or eight exclamation marks.

[62] For some people, that would only be three exclamation marks, we're not trying to.

[63] trying to kink shame anybody no but you know we're talking about Texas so like you know everything's bigger in Texas that's right and pinker and more sparkly that's right my father much to my mother's horror recounted to me the girthiness of it and wondered why she would leave it behind maybe it was actually the boyfriends who knows my mom sage the entire unit before accepting new applicants to rent and we've had great tenants ever since anyway I hope you all enjoy the story anytime my cat calcifer.

[64] Here's Elvis' meow.

[65] He always perks up.

[66] So I like to think that they're cat friends now.

[67] Oh.

[68] Stay sexy and take your double -ended dildo when you're moving out, even if you are a drug mule love, Jessica.

[69] Yeah.

[70] You're right, Jessica.

[71] Great advice.

[72] It really is.

[73] Truly.

[74] It's great advice.

[75] Also, it's that kind of thing.

[76] What was her name, Princess Shannon?

[77] Princess Shannon.

[78] Princess Shannon contains multitudes.

[79] She's not just a hairbrusher princess on the balcony.

[80] She also has a very active and very, you know, seemingly satisfying sex life.

[81] Yeah, good for her.

[82] Go for it.

[83] Yeah, Shannon.

[84] Wishing you well wherever you are.

[85] High five all around.

[86] Okay.

[87] This one gives it away.

[88] But I think in a good way because it's just kind of what it is.

[89] The time my badass grandpa wrangled a giant owl.

[90] Hello.

[91] I don't want my intro to.

[92] to disappoint, so I'll just get started.

[93] You did it.

[94] People feel intense pressure about the intros.

[95] We want to alleviate that from you.

[96] We love them all.

[97] We do.

[98] You can send them in even if you can't think of one.

[99] Absolutely.

[100] In fact, that is a really good writing tip.

[101] The hardest part is to get started.

[102] So let the beginning be bad and then get into it.

[103] You can always either go back later or don't and say, hey, hey, you guys aren't paying me. Here's your dumb intro.

[104] that's what I would have said.

[105] Okay, anyhow.

[106] Or as my friend Lydia used to say, hey, you didn't pay for her, give me half, right?

[107] I love it.

[108] Good rule.

[109] About 10 years ago, my grandparents, Michael and Sally, were sleeping when they were woken up by a very loud thumping sound coming from the bathroom.

[110] Instead of calling the police, my almost 90 -year -old grandpa decided to investigate.

[111] Yes, he did.

[112] He walked down the hallway into their bathroom, turned on the lights, to discover a very large owl repeatedly crashing itself into the bathroom mirror.

[113] Oh, no. An owl.

[114] An owl.

[115] They're such magical, like, you know, distance creatures to have one in the bathroom.

[116] Okay, without even hesitating, my grandpa grabbed a bath towel and threw it over the owl.

[117] He managed to wrestle the owl and grab it, talons and all.

[118] Instead of walking over to his bedroom balcony and letting it go, he carried this owl through the bedroom down the hall, down a large staircase, and let it out through the front door.

[119] We figured that somehow the owl had managed to make its way down the chimney.

[120] Fly through the living room, go upstairs down the hall, and into my grandparents' bedroom, then the bathroom.

[121] On the ceiling above the staircase was a soot outline of the owl, and you could see a full owl outline with the wings outstretched.

[122] The wingspan of this owl was about seven feet long.

[123] Holy shit.

[124] I can't even picture how large owls get.

[125] I wonder if owls are considered raptors.

[126] Seven feet long is longer than Vince.

[127] Yes.

[128] That's how I can do it in my mom.

[129] If Vince laid down, this bird would have like a foot on him, roughly, or half.

[130] Okay.

[131] We still to this day do not know how my grandpa managed to do all this on his own without getting a scratch on him.

[132] Dude, grandpa's.

[133] Right?

[134] My grandpa will be turning 97 in April.

[135] He survived the Holocaust, a massive brain injury, and is still one of the most outgoing, positive, and kind people I have ever known.

[136] On a side note, I was listening to your minisote about someone's badass grandparent burying their bike from the Nazis.

[137] After surviving the Holocaust, my grandpa went back to his old backyard, pushed a cow out of the way, and dug up all his family's jewelry and money that he, too, had buried from the Nazis because fuck them.

[138] Oh, my God.

[139] Right.

[140] That's so rad.

[141] That's so rad.

[142] Sorry for the long email and thank you for all you do.

[143] Stay sexy and don't underestimate your badass grandparents, Aaron.

[144] Yes.

[145] Aaron, please give your grandpa a hug this birthday.

[146] Yes.

[147] He sounds like a total ass kicker of the highest order.

[148] Old people know how to handle shit.

[149] They've been through shit.

[150] They've been through shit that we don't know.

[151] Well, we've been through.

[152] ship to it.

[153] They don't.

[154] This man he survived the Holocaust and owl is nothing to that man. It's nothing.

[155] This is just one more problem he has to deal with throughout the day.

[156] Right.

[157] Before he can go back to bed.

[158] Yes.

[159] He's tired from all his life.

[160] He's complicated.

[161] Oh, I just love it.

[162] I just love it.

[163] What a victory.

[164] Totally.

[165] Okay.

[166] All right.

[167] This is called haunted by possibly an animatronic moose.

[168] Oh.

[169] Hello.

[170] Wonderful.

[171] people.

[172] I work at an undisclosed retail location that was built over the remains of a shuttered animatronic family restaurant.

[173] Think Rainforest Cafe meets Chuck Echise, but with a Canadian theme and a moose mascot.

[174] Is that Bullinkle?

[175] I think Bullenkels.

[176] American.

[177] That's true.

[178] I think.

[179] Yeah.

[180] When I started working at this job, we joked a lot about how all the weird stuff we encountered there was due to the ghost of the animatronic moose that used to live on the site.

[181] Over the years, though, it stopped being a joke, and we started to believe we actually had a ghost.

[182] It's gotten to the point where our store being haunted is the more sensible option, though we're not exactly sure who's haunting us.

[183] It changed from a joke to us taking it seriously during an overnight shift a few years ago.

[184] It was just me and one other employee trying to get stuff done with no customers to bother us.

[185] We began to hear footsteps coming from the roof and assumed it was just the roof expanding and crumpling, as I've been told roofs do.

[186] that old the house is settling excuse the roof is breathing like a lung don't worry you know how roofs too sure it sounds exactly the same as when an AC repair man is walking around up there after we started feeling watched around the store continued hearing strange noises and were further freaked out by a sudden violent rainstorm that battered the outside of the building and then we got outside to leave and discovered that not only was the parking lot dry as a desert, but no one else we knew had experienced any sort of raining storm or windstorm that night.

[187] A little while later, after that, I named the ghost Frederick and then changed it to Friendric to ensure he was a friendly ghost and not a scary one.

[188] Yeah, that'll do it.

[189] This did not stop the ghost from further activity.

[190] And slowly everyone in the store began to believe it.

[191] After the phantom rainstorm, we encountered large truck carts that slid uphill with no one pushing them, heard men's voices coming from the truck during unloads when I was the only man in the store, saw a single light swinging back and forth in the stock room like someone was writing on it.

[192] I got video of it.

[193] None of the other lights are moving at all.

[194] We need that video.

[195] Yeah.

[196] We heard someone playing the guitar in the break room when only one employee was in there.

[197] We heard women whispering in the aisles when we were closed, saw a binder fly off the shelf and land three feet away heard things being tossed in the stock room when no one was in there heard our own voices speaking back to us on the phones oh my god your own fucking voice hello hello karen you're scared right now because this place is haunted hey it's me karen karen kate talk to you later karen go stock the toilet paper um um pretty much all electronics in the store fail in bizarre ways.

[198] There are things our corporate resource center has been trying to fix for years to no avail.

[199] And we just generally seem cursed for a whole host of reasons I won't bore you with.

[200] I will note that we've had several technicians come to fix things in the store, failed to be able to figure out where wires led to because they go into walls and then quote, unquote, disappear.

[201] And then technicians give up saying, I've never seen anything like this before.

[202] We obviously say good night to Frendrick every night when we leave.

[203] The freakiest encounter happened a few months ago during an overnight.

[204] We heard a woman scream at 2 o 'clock in the morning.

[205] When there was only two of us in the store, we were in separate but adjoining rooms.

[206] The scream came from the hall connecting them, and we both thought it was the other person.

[207] We even tried to replicate it by screaming from our prior positions to see if it made the same sound, and it did not at all.

[208] We have no idea what it was.

[209] I've tried going through local archives and graveyards to find Frenjuricks identity.

[210] There was a recent murder on the other side of the mall and a horrific car accident on the road leading up to our store.

[211] I could not find any account of someone dying at the moose restaurant we were built on top of.

[212] It's like getting built on top of a fucking graveyard.

[213] I mean, what was the moose restaurant built on top of is what I want to know.

[214] Ding, did a ding, ding, ding.

[215] What about it's always been there?

[216] It's been there since the beginning.

[217] Yeah.

[218] And nothing was on the site before the moose restaurant, except for her large partial.

[219] of land owned by a local religious group.

[220] I can find absolutely zero records for this religious group's farmland, except that it's...

[221] Cult.

[222] Except that it existed prior to the 1950s.

[223] So, being a murderer, you know, I'm obviously thinking it's a cult.

[224] Yeah.

[225] Also, I've not been able to figure out what happened to the animatronic moose, but did find out the adjoining mall once had an animatronic circus as an exhibition.

[226] It's got to be them.

[227] Thank you guys for all that you do.

[228] I've been listening since episode 20.

[229] or so, and more than half of our stores full -time staff are also full -time murderinos.

[230] We talk all week about the stories you guys bring us.

[231] And then it says, Tudaloo, Sam Goldberg.

[232] Sam, what an epic, first of all, an epic email.

[233] And yes, now I would love some questions answered.

[234] Yeah, we need photos of the vintage moose restaurant.

[235] wires that don't go anywhere.

[236] I mean, what?

[237] Absolutely not.

[238] The hell.

[239] What the hell?

[240] Please.

[241] Someone do something.

[242] Someone.

[243] The scream.

[244] Just start screaming.

[245] Yeah.

[246] Okay.

[247] The subject line of this is why you need to wear a seatbelt, a 70s survival story.

[248] Hi, Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and pets.

[249] I thought I sent this in before, but I can't find it in my scent mail, so I'll try it again.

[250] My mom grew up in the 70s in Southern California.

[251] Her dad, my grandpa, Bruce, died before I was born.

[252] But I've grown up with stories about all the ways he fixed, built, and jerry -rigged things around the house to make them work, quote -unquote, better.

[253] One of these things was the family VW bus.

[254] He took out all the back seats and put in a mattress and set up some sort of dividing wall behind the driver and the passenger seats.

[255] This sounds sexy, but it really was just so the kids could bounce around wildly in the back.

[256] And the parents could write up front in peace without having to hear or see them.

[257] Oh, my God.

[258] Right?

[259] And apparently it worked a little too well.

[260] This story starts with my grandma Marianne, needing to pick up some papers.

[261] What those papers were, she has never been clear.

[262] She and her friend piled my four -year -old mom, Trisha, and her eight -year -old sister, Trina, and the friend's kids in the back of the outfitted VW bus and went on their way on the Los Angeles freeway.

[263] A short time later, Trina poked her head through the divider and said, Trish is gone on the freeway.

[264] Can you imagine?

[265] Oh, my God.

[266] Apparently the back door had not been closed tight.

[267] So when the kids were bound.

[268] Hold on.

[269] Imagine.

[270] I mean, it's like when you said, Mom, the bed's on fire.

[271] Yeah.

[272] And it's so much.

[273] And actually, it's funny that that's the comparison, and because listen to listen to this.

[274] Apparently the back door were not been closed tight so when the kids were bouncing around seat beltless on the mattress the door flew open and my mom bounced right out and my grandma apparently unable to make sense of the news that her youngest was no longer in the car just kept driving.

[275] Can I suggest that the papers they were going to get were rolling papers because they were stoned as fuck to that bone.

[276] Yeah.

[277] Well, my mom had landed right in between the lanes and was relatively unharmed.

[278] No. Traffic around her slowed and people just drove around the toddler on the freeway.

[279] Oh, I was like hoping eight or nine at least.

[280] No, no, she's the four -year -old.

[281] She's four.

[282] That's right.

[283] A good Samaritan stopped and ran into traffic to pick her up and carry her to the side of the road.

[284] Like, I'm sorry, but this is the definition of Los Angeles.

[285] People being like, hunk, hunk, four -year -old.

[286] Get out of the way.

[287] I'm on my way to a meeting.

[288] Get out of the way, toddler.

[289] My grandma exited the freeway and looped back around and found my mom with the quote, nice fellow, as she always refers to him.

[290] Oh, my God.

[291] My grandma's never been able to live this story down between the fact that she kept driving and then that she still picked up the papers before taking my mom to the hospital.

[292] No. And here's the quote.

[293] Well, I needed to ask directions.

[294] she always says.

[295] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[296] It's called a gas station.

[297] It's called pull over to gas station.

[298] Yeah, it's called Figure This Out, Please.

[299] My mom was a little scraped up, but altogether fine.

[300] This is now everyone's favorite story to tell once someone new meets the family.

[301] Yep.

[302] Thanks for creating an amazing show and community where I've met all my best friends.

[303] Oh.

[304] Ooh.

[305] Oh.

[306] That makes you want to start crying.

[307] Stay sexy and wear your seat belt, Lauren.

[308] Oh, no, don't wear your seat.

[309] Don't tell a four -year -old to wear your seat.

[310] seatbelt.

[311] Tell the fucking parents.

[312] We always have to say this shit.

[313] It's not the kid's fault of them.

[314] They didn't have a fucking seatbelt off.

[315] It is not the kids' fault.

[316] Oh, my God.

[317] That there was, it was basically a converted VW bus made for something unsafe to happen.

[318] Yeah, it's converted to a death mobile.

[319] Truly.

[320] All right.

[321] Wow.

[322] That was, oh my God.

[323] Right.

[324] Was it Trisha's not here?

[325] Trisha's gone.

[326] What was it?

[327] Yes.

[328] Wait, wait, wait.

[329] Trish's gone.

[330] Trish's gone.

[331] Oh, and Trisha's gone.

[332] Trisha's gone.

[333] Stop at you.

[334] Enough already.

[335] We're trying to listen to the radio.

[336] Phibs.

[337] Like, Tom Petty's on or whatever.

[338] Okay.

[339] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[340] Absolutely.

[341] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?

[342] Exactly.

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[353] On a spring afternoon of my junior year, 1995, Gen X are here.

[354] And my prom date, let's call him Dan, stop by my house to pick me up to go tuck shopping.

[355] Before we left, he made small talk with my mom and dad.

[356] My friends love to chat with my mom and hear her talk as she was British.

[357] A mid -Ohio British accents is like the top.

[358] It's the best.

[359] Somehow we got around to talking about a story in our local newspaper about some strange findings by the local police in the nearby woods and fields.

[360] There appear to have been some small animal sacrifices and general mischief about.

[361] My date piped up that he had heard that there was speculation about Satanists.

[362] There were a lot of urban legends of Satanism in the 80s.

[363] My day went on to say that in extreme cases, rather than sacrifice animals, they would sacrifice humans, specifically blonde -haired virgins.

[364] Immediately, my mom piped up.

[365] Insert British accent.

[366] Oh, Jan, thank God you're safe.

[367] There was an awkward pause and my date raised his eyebrows at me. Mom, I said, as I felt my face turned 15 shades of red.

[368] To which she replied, oh, bloody hell, your hair, your hair.

[369] She's safe because she has brown.

[370] hair.

[371] Needless to say, I was mortified and we made an awkward departure for tuck shopping.

[372] Oi -ve.

[373] Stay sexy and don't let your British mom spill the beans about your virginity to your prom date.

[374] Janet.

[375] Is her name Janet?

[376] Oh, that's real good.

[377] Well, you're safe then.

[378] Well, you're safe, you slut.

[379] Mom, come on.

[380] Oh, bloody hell.

[381] Bloody hell.

[382] Okay, this last one.

[383] Grandparents in a sinkhole.

[384] Hello, Stephen, Karen, Georgia, at all.

[385] Hmm.

[386] I am listening a few months behind and had a sudden realization that I've had a grandparents plus sinkhole story that I can't believe I haven't thought to share.

[387] Whoa.

[388] Right?

[389] My grandparents, William and Mary, or better known as Bill and Midge.

[390] That's adorable.

[391] It's so good.

[392] Move my mom and her siblings into a new house on a nice estate in Sutton, Coldfield, just outside Birmingham, UK, in the 50s.

[393] My granddad wrote his autobiography down before he died, and when I was reading it, I came upon a crazy story.

[394] My mom and granddad would often garden in the front of the house, particularly when my mom was small, and she would help plant vegetables and flowers.

[395] One day, my grandma was looking out the front window of the house and realized that the entire front garden was missing.

[396] It collapsed in on itself.

[397] It turns out that when the builders were constructing this new estate, they didn't bother filling in an old well properly that had existed in the exact spot my grandma was now staring at.

[398] If my mom or any one of the family had been in the garden, they would have dropped a terrifying distance down and might not have made it.

[399] Oh, my God.

[400] As it was the 50s, I'm not sure much was done in the way of compensation or legal restitution.

[401] But it makes for a good family story.

[402] Lots of love to you all from afar, Sarah in London.

[403] Bloody hell.

[404] Bloody hell.

[405] That makes me think of when we went to, and I want to say this happened in Manchester, but I could be wrong and it happened in London.

[406] But someone gave me tea towels that they had made of their parents standing in front of a sinkhole that had made it into one of the newspapers.

[407] I still use them.

[408] I use them every day.

[409] I love that.

[410] They're in full, I mean, they're tea towels, but I use them as dish towels.

[411] They're in my full rotation.

[412] How much do you love that, like, and would you ever have thought that, like, part of your persona would be sinkholes, like, in your love of singles?

[413] It really suits me. It does.

[414] You know what I mean?

[415] Yeah.

[416] I like drama, and I like things going below.

[417] Collapsing.

[418] I like collapsing in on itself.

[419] Yes.

[420] Suits.

[421] Can we have your stories about Singles and collapsing and fucking...

[422] The grandparents' stories are always 8 plus.

[423] Always.

[424] So good.

[425] And your haunted stories too, please.

[426] Or anything.

[427] Whatever you think is good.

[428] Give it to us.

[429] That's right.

[430] What you say?

[431] Give it to us right away.

[432] And also stay sexy.

[433] And don't get murdered.

[434] Goodbye.

[435] Elvis, do you want a cookie?

[436] This has been an exactly right production.

[437] Our producer is Hannah Kyle Crichton.

[438] Associate producer Alejandra Keck.

[439] Engineer and mixer.

[440] Steven.

[441] Ray Morris.

[442] Researchers, Jay Elias and Haley Gray.

[443] Send us your hometowns and your fucking hoorays at My Favorite Murder at Gmail .com.

[444] And follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at My Favorite Murder and Twitter at MyFave Murder.

[445] And for more information about this podcast, our live shows, merch, or to join the fancult, go to My Favorite Murder .com.

[446] Rate review and subscribe.