MFM Minisode 214

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And welcome to my favorite murder.

[2] The Minion.

[3] The Minion.

[4] We're going to talk about minions only.

[5] This is your central space for mini -minion conversations.

[6] We need to make some money.

[7] And so Minions offered us fucking $10 and to do an episode strictly about minions.

[8] And we said yes.

[9] We said we'll do those weird little voices.

[10] We'll put on those overalls.

[11] will have one eye.

[12] And why not even being taped.

[13] We're doing it anyways.

[14] I've watched those movies with Nora.

[15] They're so many times.

[16] They're genuinely hilarious movies.

[17] They're genuinely great.

[18] I was so bored and I was probably high.

[19] And I put the first one on and I was like, oh, I was going to make fun of this.

[20] And it's darling.

[21] Wait, what is the actual movie called?

[22] Despicable me. Despicable.

[23] I knew you'd know.

[24] I knew you'd know it.

[25] And there's our $10.

[26] We've earned it.

[27] Yeah.

[28] We did it.

[29] But part one, two, and I'm assuming three, because one and two, I can stand by and say, that is, turn that on, you'll enjoy yourself.

[30] Absolutely.

[31] I agree.

[32] Cha -ching.

[33] Cha -ching.

[34] Chiching.

[35] Oh, my God.

[36] Feel the dollar, dollar bills pile up.

[37] Hey, happy Valentine's Day.

[38] Oh, my God.

[39] It's Valentine's Day.

[40] Happy Valentine's Day.

[41] Happy Valentine's Day.

[42] That's so nice.

[43] I forgot.

[44] Do you know what I did?

[45] Here's my confession for Valentine's Day.

[46] Nora was having a fundraiser, a Seas Candy fundraiser.

[47] Okay, these are the words I want in my life more.

[48] Okay, good, because you're about to have them in your life.

[49] I bought 12 boxes of Seas Candy heart -shaped boxes, Valentine's boxes, for everybody at exactly right.

[50] And then just left them in the box on the counter, completely forgot about them.

[51] And then I was like, well, am I supposed to fucking drive?

[52] I should have sent them in the mail.

[53] That was going to be my ideas like, you know, happy Valentine's Day, love Georgia and Karen.

[54] I was going to say, hey, since I'm the other half of exactly right, can I get a name on there?

[55] Of course.

[56] Oh, thank you.

[57] You're going to be in there.

[58] There's a chance, though, that I've opened a couple and eaten only the, because it is like a, it's not nuts and shoes.

[59] It's the mixed.

[60] Yes.

[61] So I don't like, I would say, three quarters of what's in there.

[62] Vince and I definitely, there's a, there's a rift in this household of nuts and shoes or assorted.

[63] And I'm definitely assorted.

[64] He's in nuts and shoes.

[65] Guys, if you don't know what we're assorted.

[66] I knew you were going to say assorted.

[67] I know you're going to say it's because I love the.

[68] Okay.

[69] I know this isn't Minnesota.

[70] We're not supposed to be talking about shit.

[71] But guys, if you don't live.

[72] Hold on a second.

[73] Yes, we are.

[74] This is our.

[75] Well, who are the people.

[76] Who are the people that listen to podcasts and then go on social media to say, I don't like when they talk on the podcast.

[77] They didn't do it.

[78] my way.

[79] Go away and start your own podcast where you say hello and you immediately start reading out of murderpedia.

[80] Go do that.

[81] Please.

[82] Wishing you well.

[83] Goodbye.

[84] Good luck.

[85] It lay.

[86] Good fucked.

[87] Here.

[88] So if you don't know, if you live in the Midwest or something and have never been to L .A. or through the airport in California, C's candy is our is the best fucking chocolates I've ever had in my entire room like the best they're never not on our hanaica uh dessert table it's just like the fucking thing it's the thing it's a perfect gift if you don't know what to get people at christmas you get the two pound box of either assorted or nuts and choose depending on your personality fucking monster or not and then if you don't know what to bring to a party you don't want to bring a bottle of wine or whatever everyone loses their shit over a box of seize candy it's genuinely only great.

[89] And their carmels, that's mostly what I'm in it for because their carmels are so insanely perfect.

[90] Another 10 bucks.

[91] There we go.

[92] Another plug.

[93] You're welcome Mary, Mary C. who is a feminist icon.

[94] That's right.

[95] Good old Mary C. on the front of every box.

[96] That's right.

[97] I'm going to come out of COVID with Mary C's haircut.

[98] She has like the total 30s finger wave, but it's gray.

[99] It's great.

[100] It's gray.

[101] And she has her circular glasses and a beautiful shawl.

[102] Yep.

[103] Has anyone ever gone as Mary C for Halloween?

[104] If you have, may we please Mary see you?

[105] Oh, my.

[106] Good one.

[107] That would be the best idea.

[108] Yeah, you just carry around a box and you give people chocolate because when you go in their stores in the mall, you immediately get a free sample of a chocolate.

[109] That's right.

[110] So there's the reason.

[111] Karen.

[112] If you have a seize candy at your local mall and if you do, us explaining this to you is stupid.

[113] But if you do, the reason line is long, oftentimes is not because.

[114] people are having to get those one and two pound boxes of candy is because they're up there like, I'll take some of them molasses chips because it's for free.

[115] Right.

[116] Or if you go like when you were in high school, it'd be like I want a free chocolate, I can't afford chocolate.

[117] So you go in there and buy one of their suckers or lollipops, which are delicious for like a buck.

[118] And then you also get a free chocolate.

[119] Yeah.

[120] And then I love it.

[121] I love that place.

[122] It's old fashioned hometown.

[123] It's good time.

[124] That's right.

[125] But who I well on a later podcast we'll discuss I wonder where C's is and isn't if it's like a West Coast thing if it's if it's Pacific Northwest and South I've only seen it in California but I actually I here's how I know that it's further than that because I one year bought a two pound box of C's candy to my boyfriend at the time's mother who lived in Oregon thinking it was this amazing gift of like let me bring the candy of my people yes and she I got off the plane and there's a cease thing like a cease kiosk right outside my gate so I was like well here's a thing that you can get too it was like I brought her a big box of M &Ms there you go enjoy this rare candy and that's why it didn't work out I feel like and that's why we had to let that relationship go that's right end it meeting parents that's another conversation for another time it is the word That's the worst.

[126] Do you want to go first this week?

[127] Sure.

[128] Why not?

[129] Let's change it up.

[130] It's V. It's Valentine's Day.

[131] It's Galentimes Day.

[132] It's Galentimes Day.

[133] This is called science teacher.

[134] Just a good old gal.

[135] Hello, podcasters and podcast listeners.

[136] Good one.

[137] This is a story about my high school AP biology teacher.

[138] We will call her Dr. Benson.

[139] For one, everyone in my school called her Dr. Lucy in a condescending way.

[140] That was her first name, and we'd always say, you know, Lucy, as in Lucy Fur.

[141] Oh, yeah.

[142] This starts out bad and gets better.

[143] She was a tough old girl weighing in at no more than 110 soaking wet and standing at a ferocious five feet even.

[144] She could scare literally any six foot tall high school boy with one glance.

[145] Might I mention, this woman is almost 80 years old and still hasn't stopped teaching.

[146] yes anyway dr benson had a reputation for going off on tangents about her own life in fact the five students of our api biology class all girls go girls she said were many times able to get her to go down rabbit trails to avoid taking quizzes yes yes dr luce dr benson please tell us about your lives because we didn't study dr benson did you have sasparilli when you were growing up tell us all about it.

[147] Tell us about hanging out with Mrs. C's camping.

[148] What was that like?

[149] What was Mary C like as a rebellious teen?

[150] She told us all about her first love, who was a man in the Navy who ended up with her best friend.

[151] Ouch.

[152] Both of them later ended up dying on the bed together, the notebook style.

[153] Oh, that was true love.

[154] Yeah.

[155] She told us how she got her doctorate in animal science wrestling cows and pigs.

[156] Yes, a five -foot -tall woman wrangling cattle is still the funniest thing I've ever imagined.

[157] So many stories, but there was one I want to share in this email.

[158] When she was 17 years old, she was a clerk for a gas station in her hometown.

[159] One time she was alone counting out the money and about to close up shop.

[160] Just then a large, burly man with a ski mask and a gun walked in.

[161] The first thing Dr. Benson said to him was, hey, we don't actually have cameras and I have a terrible memory.

[162] so you can just skip the whole I'm a scary masked man bit.

[163] This took him back with so much fuck you energy that he actually took off the mask and demanded the money.

[164] It distracted him just enough for Dr. Benson to have enough time to grab, and this is all caps, her personal shotgun that she kept in the store to point at him.

[165] Oh.

[166] Yes, this small 17 -year -old brought her dad's shotgun with her to every shift.

[167] for this exact moment.

[168] Hell yeah.

[169] The guy ended up just running out and Dr. Benson closed up shop as usual.

[170] Also, the gas station did have one camera.

[171] So it did capture his face.

[172] Yeah, it did.

[173] And the guy got arrested for attempted robbery.

[174] She said she didn't know what happened after that to the guy, but I can imagine he felt a little emasculated having been beaten out by a five foot tall 17 year old girl.

[175] Stay sexy and don't ever try to fight small people.

[176] Olive.

[177] And then it says, P .S. If you want the story at the time she stopped someone who was assaulting her husband, just let me know.

[178] I have got far too many stories about this amazing woman.

[179] Right.

[180] Her fucking biography immediately.

[181] But in the meantime, Olive, send that story in.

[182] Put your name Olive in the subject line because we'll pull that immediately.

[183] Absolutely.

[184] Unless you're a ghost, how are you a person from today who's named Olive.

[185] Unbelievable.

[186] Lauren and Kurt Brunner from our podcast network and Lauren, our friend, their daughter's name is Olive, which is coming back.

[187] It's the best.

[188] Come on back, Olive.

[189] I was a little mad that I couldn't name my cat that because I have a friend.

[190] His daughter's name is Olive.

[191] That would just be rude, right?

[192] I hope you really got in their face about it.

[193] Fuck.

[194] And then their other kid, their son's name is Gus, which is the other best cat's name in the world.

[195] You're like, why are you doing that?

[196] Maybe I shouldn't be friends with.

[197] them anymore.

[198] Yeah, maybe you should break up with them as a couple.

[199] Isn't Gus the hot tub cat's name?

[200] Yes.

[201] But that was, he was before them.

[202] So it's okay.

[203] Oh, okay.

[204] All right.

[205] Okay, here's my first one.

[206] Hi, friends.

[207] This is a creepy neighbor story.

[208] I don't remember if you asked for that, but let's assume you did when I, I'm sure we did.

[209] When I lived in Salt Lake City, my husband and I lived in a row home that was only four houses long.

[210] I don't know what that is.

[211] I don't know.

[212] I'm guessing it's a house that's stuck to three other houses or like in New York how they have the railroad homes that it's like that or they're just like straight narrow but then the rooms break off hold on a second oh look at Stephen showing us room got it thank you Stephen so they're houses that are just right next to each other smashed together yeah got it all right so our next door neighbor was a 50 -ish year old guy named Earl he was single worked at the gas station next to our house so was always outside his house smoking and hanging with people he met at the station.

[213] What's up?

[214] Right?

[215] I was walking to my car one day not long after I moved in and he stopped me and asked if I wanted to come inside to see his quote extensive butcher knife collection.

[216] What the fuck?

[217] And went on to say he loved to sneak up on people and come at them slasher style as a joke.

[218] I politely said no thank you and to never ever do that to me. Oh, they were right boundaries.

[219] red flags in this neighbor boundaries oh my god okay fast forward to three years later still living at the same place i was coming home on the bus from work like i do every day it was a local bus route with the same people and i thought it was odd that a guy didn't recognize got on and off at the exact same stops i did i decided to take a weird route home to see if he was in fact following me or if i was paranoid i made a ton of random turns that looped back on itself and he still followed me about 20 steps behind me. I went to call my husband and realized my phone was dead.

[220] And then in parentheses, a common occurrence for me. Me too.

[221] My husband worked later in the evening and I realized I was being followed while walking in my house where I would be alone with a dead phone.

[222] So my panic brain drove me in a direction that I didn't expect straight to my creepy neighbor Earl's front door.

[223] He opened the door and I told him some dude was following me. and without skipping a beat, he said, I'm on it and came out of the house with, you guessed it, a butcher knife in one hand and a taser in the other.

[224] The guy following was loitering behind a tree in front of my driveway and ditched quick after seeing Earl in all his knifed up glory.

[225] Earl sat in front of my door with his knife and taser, despite my protests, until my husband came home two hours later.

[226] I can cry.

[227] It's the cutest.

[228] Oh, George is full on crying.

[229] You love the twist of Earl, huh?

[230] Well, first of all, I feel guilty that I was like, he's the problem, you know what I mean?

[231] And now I'm like, when you need someone in a moment, like, I'll never, can I just say this story real quick?

[232] Yes.

[233] And I was like 21.

[234] I had my first car and I, it fucking, of course, died in the middle of a busy intersection and I don't know how to do car things because I'm 21 and I'm just standing out there crying and people are honking at me. The only person who got out of their car to help me was this enormous.

[235] fully tatted up scary dude and he saw me crying he pushed my car out of the way he gave me his card because he was a tattoo artist it turned out and I was just like he was the only person who stopped to help me so that's giving me those vibes and I find that very lovely I mean that is a beautiful story and I think here's the thing Earl was giving off red flag vibes you weren't wrong to say it because we all need to go over it time and again where it's like yeah sometimes when people collect weapons.

[236] That means ultimately they would like to hurt people.

[237] But what we're learning from this story is it doesn't mean that they want to hurt the wrong people.

[238] Right.

[239] It's like Earl was a secret hero waiting for his moment and is with his butcher knives to shine.

[240] However, I feel like her instinct not to go inside his house was the right one too.

[241] Yes.

[242] But also that's just good neighbor politics.

[243] You don't want to be up in your neighbor's house.

[244] Yes.

[245] You don't want to good fences make good neighbors.

[246] You just keep your distance.

[247] stay likable by staying far away.

[248] Amazing.

[249] That's what makes it all work.

[250] Okay.

[251] sorry, God.

[252] A husband came home two hours later.

[253] Anyway, I don't know if the moral of the story is trust your creepy neighbors or charge your fucking phones or who the fuck knows.

[254] Stay sexy and start collecting butcher knives, Aaron.

[255] Wonderful instincts.

[256] Yes.

[257] I think that was, it's nice to have it like a silver lining story happen every month.

[258] It's also our friend Neil Mahoney, who was one of the most.

[259] people.

[260] Anyone who's ever met him has met, collected switchblades and knives.

[261] And he just passed away like a month ago.

[262] Yeah.

[263] And everyone's devastated.

[264] And it made me think of him too.

[265] And like he he could have creepy neighbor vibes if you didn't know him, except he was kind of hot.

[266] But he was hot and he had shy guy vibes, which actually only adds to it doesn't take away from in my opinion.

[267] It adds to also he he listened to this podcast.

[268] And as we.

[269] got popular with it, he sent me one of the loveliest notes about how watching this happened to us was like watching two girls like win the lottery and buy all the roller skates and gumballs they wanted.

[270] It was like the cutest, loveliest.

[271] And he worked on Mr. Show, so he knew you from the beginning.

[272] I've known him for a long time.

[273] He was my secret crush for a long time.

[274] It's very fucking sad.

[275] The idea that we lost Neil Mahoney, of all people, is a goddamn tragedy.

[276] It is.

[277] It's just wrong.

[278] It is.

[279] So that kind of made me, like, yes, tear up from that.

[280] This one's called, let's bring it back up.

[281] This one's called, my dad tased Phil Specter.

[282] Okay.

[283] I had to read that because it's a spoiler, but it's also the best.

[284] Okay.

[285] Hi, Georgia, Karen, Stephen, and all furry friends.

[286] It's inclusive.

[287] I like that.

[288] I've been wanting to write into you for the longest time about my, quote, connection with Phil Spector.

[289] My dad was a police officer in Southern California for almost 25 years and was one of the officers who responded to the 911 call after he shot and killed Lana Clarkson.

[290] Spector was resisting arrest, which I didn't know.

[291] And my dad was the one who tased him.

[292] I was eight at the time and it was extremely fascinated that my dad tased a celebrity.

[293] and I told everyone I could until I was told to stop telling people.

[294] Hashtag oops.

[295] An 8 -year -old being like, hey, my dad Tays.

[296] Okay.

[297] I remember watching the trial on TV as a kid and how they had to blur out my dad's name and face for privacy.

[298] He was actually asked to stand up so people could see his height and wait and it was questioned why he even had a Taze specter.

[299] Maybe because he had just killed someone.

[300] Question mark, question mark.

[301] My mom actually attended the trial.

[302] one day and said Spector turned around and stared at her and she got instant chills.

[303] When I told my dad about your podcast and how I wanted to write in with the story and suggested to cover Phil Spector, he replied with, why?

[304] That piece of shit doesn't deserve any more publicity.

[305] Needless to say, when Spector died a few weeks ago, my dad's response was fucking finally.

[306] Thanks for all the stories that keep me entertained when I drive from Arizona to California to visit at my family.

[307] I've turned my boyfriend into a murderino and we've bonded over our interest into a crime.

[308] I'm really glad my knowledge of serial killers hasn't scared him away yet.

[309] SSDGM, Kelsey.

[310] Kelsey, nice job.

[311] Okay.

[312] Here's, uh, well, I'm not going to read you the subject line of this one.

[313] Right.

[314] Uh, because it is a, it's a giveawayer.

[315] Hey, Karen, Georgia Stephen and all the amazing fur babies.

[316] So just immediately trying to start a fight with me right at the beginning.

[317] I went to an engineering University where our primary focused study is aerospace engineering.

[318] Among all of the smart technical people, here I was an art major.

[319] Oh.

[320] I always felt like an outcast, but some of the headlines my university makes made me feel more normal than I ever felt.

[321] From a chemistry professor throwing a class made bomb into our pond to a professor shooting at a group of her colleagues because she didn't get tenure.

[322] That's the one I did.

[323] Yeah.

[324] I'm going to pretend like I knew this, but Stephen actually just read it to us.

[325] University of Alabama at Huntsville is where I'm guessing this person went to call.

[326] Oh, yeah.

[327] Right.

[328] Because I did the story of Amy Bishop who shot a bunch of people point blank in a meeting.

[329] Horrible.

[330] Horrifying.

[331] Okay.

[332] My university keeps me shaking my head.

[333] What takes the cake, though, is when mysterious silver boxes chained down to benches started randomly appearing around campus.

[334] No one reported it.

[335] However, someone eventually did report the mysterious boxes and suddenly the bomb squad descended upon our campus.

[336] Carefully, they blow up one of the boxes, only to find a plane.

[337] Oh, what?

[338] Kittens?

[339] No. Okay, good.

[340] A playing card inside.

[341] What?

[342] As these policemen stood there in confusion, a larping group.

[343] Oh.

[344] Live action role playing came to tell police that these miscerious silver box.

[345] boxes were part of a game they were all playing for their quote unquote quest guys the police were not amused and instructed them to go around campus and remove the boxes from all their locations so long story short larping isn't unusual at my university but our police department draws the line at larping games that involve miscarious silver boxes fair enough right that also that are chained yeah think think it through it couldn't be like unless you had put crime scene tape around them, it couldn't have been more ominous.

[346] Yes.

[347] No one wants that shit.

[348] That's ridiculous.

[349] A locked box in a public place.

[350] Yeah.

[351] It's like if you see something, say something.

[352] Remember that quote.

[353] And don't be the person who puts a thing there that someone has to see it and say it.

[354] That's the seeing part.

[355] Yeah.

[356] Exactly.

[357] Don't make people say things about the thing they can see.

[358] Thank you so much for being an awesome podcast to listen to.

[359] You always seem to brighten my day while keeping me aware of horrible people.

[360] Much love Sabrina.

[361] Who fucking knew?

[362] I feel like you should be loud and proud about your art student status because it could be so much worse as everyone at your school has shown or something.

[363] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[364] Absolutely.

[365] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[366] Exactly.

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[382] Goodbye.

[383] My last one is just hometown story.

[384] Oh, and maybe I picked it because of the opening.

[385] Maybe not.

[386] Hi to all, but especially cookie.

[387] Hello, when I heard your call for stories about hippie parents who went on to do good in the world, I knew it was my chance to write in.

[388] I don't remember that.

[389] Do you care?

[390] Yes, I do.

[391] Okay, great.

[392] It's the woman who, remember the mom worked for missing and murdered indigenous women?

[393] Oh, yeah.

[394] Yeah.

[395] Okay.

[396] My parents, Lori and Mel, met in the 1970s when they were both attending a non -traditional program at the University of Montana.

[397] One December night, they were hanging out at the train yard with their mutual friend, Joel, as one apparently does in small town, Montana.

[398] They decided to take a look inside one of the freight trains.

[399] One thing led to another, and the train took off.

[400] Oh.

[401] Joel bailed after a day or two, but my parents spent the next month, riding the rails like old -timey hobos and ended up falling in love.

[402] Oh, I know.

[403] Yep.

[404] When they finally made it back to Montana, they moved into a teepee with about 20 friends.

[405] And then it says in parentheses, it was the 70s.

[406] And I'm sure my very white parents were less aware of cultural appropriation than they would be now.

[407] So they started planning for their future.

[408] And while my mom had planned to become a nutritionist, my dad talked.

[409] into going to medical school.

[410] She eventually became a pediatrician and went on to start a program where she provided medical care to all of the foster kids in Denver, Colorado.

[411] Oh.

[412] She never told me much about the kids she'd work with.

[413] And I won't share any other stories because they're not mine to tell.

[414] But I will say that it's inspiring that after 30 years of seeing some really fucked up shit, she still believes in the inherent goodness of people.

[415] She fucking provided medical care to all the foster kids in.

[416] Denver call that's like that's saintly my mom is also known for her understated dry sense of humor she's given me great advice like quote if a man who has been divorced twice tries to get you to move onto a boat with him just say no which I very specific uh huh and quote sometimes things seem bad but you just get used to them and then they get worse she gave me that second bit of advice in January 2020.

[417] So she's a fucking, what's it called?

[418] Visionary and a fucking predictor of the future.

[419] Yeah.

[420] Stay sexy and be careful who you hang out with in the train yard because you might fall in love, love Hannah.

[421] And Hannah's pronouns are she, her.

[422] A lovely romantic story.

[423] It reminds me of like in college when you all go to a Denny's after like an event and you end up sitting at that Denny's for like four hours laughing your ass off and talking.

[424] But then you realize after a while, this used to be one of my favorite things to talk about is after a while you start to understand that energy that everyone is, I mean, and this is very theater student typical thing I'm talking about, but you realize after a while the energy is actually coming from two people that have a crush on each other, that they're the reason that everyone's there.

[425] Those two people want to be around each other but are nervous.

[426] And so everyone else is there hanging out and having fun, but there is basically two.

[427] there's an energy between two people that is like everyone else is feeding and they're like it's the only way they can break down their boundaries enough to be the funny yeah like you're you want to be around your friends when you with the person you have a crush on because that way you can be yourself and they see what you're really like because you're so fucking nervous and terrified pressure yes exactly like the pressure is lessened and so it's like the three of them were hanging out in the train yard you know casual no big deal then they're like oh it would be funny if we got all got on this thing but her parents were basically like, I'll get on this train and stay on it forever with you.

[428] And two to three days, Joel was like, this isn't going to happen for me. This is stupid and now we're like four counties away from, how am I going to get back home?

[429] That's right.

[430] He's like, I'm not going to be making out with either of you, so I'm out of here.

[431] So peace and then just jump.

[432] I could just picture him just jumping and rolling.

[433] You did me. From, um, throw Mama off the train when he said, Jimmy Crack Corn where the guy finally is like, I can't sing Jimmy Crack Corn anymore.

[434] Get me out of here.

[435] Oh, train life.

[436] All right.

[437] Are you ready for the last one?

[438] Always.

[439] I'm not going to read you the subject line, although it's funny.

[440] Hi, Karen, Georgia, and Stephen.

[441] Hi.

[442] I'm writing in because you all requested embarrassing stories, and although my life is full of them, this one from my high school career ascends to a level beyond.

[443] Bring it.

[444] Lucky for you, I've resorted to thinking about high school.

[445] I've resorted to thinking about high school as some distance.

[446] fictional comedic fars, which makes it palatable to repeat to stranger.

[447] Everyone try that.

[448] It's a not yet written chapter in your memoirs.

[449] So just start practicing telling it.

[450] There's to be able to begin to transition out of bitterness, rage, and pain from high school and take this person's plan of thinking about it as some distant fictional comedic farce is like a life plan.

[451] It is.

[452] And everyone know who's in their 20s right now, you're going to also do that with your 20s.

[453] So don't worry about it.

[454] Yeah, as a person in their 50s, let me just tell you, this whole thing, this is the way you do all of life.

[455] All of it.

[456] Just like Kelsey's mom said, it just keeps getting worse.

[457] So you have to be developing this constant idea of like, isn't that hilarious when I went into foreclosure?

[458] I always go like, that girl did this.

[459] Like, I refer to myself at 35.

[460] is that girl was fucking crazy.

[461] That girl?

[462] Oh my God.

[463] I'd never hang out with her again.

[464] It was me. It was not.

[465] Yeah.

[466] Okay.

[467] I'm from a town outside Nashville, Tennessee called Brentwood.

[468] For a majority of my high school career, I was going through a very angsty, misunderstood phase.

[469] Aside from the fact that I played on the rugby team, I kept my internal aggression to myself, except for one, except for by accident, one fateful Friday afternoon.

[470] Our high school was, our high school was.

[471] Our high school was hyped up for the football game that night.

[472] So naturally, after the last bell rang, the teens flooded into the hallways with increased amounts of shoving and crowding.

[473] I was navigating the chaos as usual, my hands full of books and my mind full of numbness and apathy.

[474] That's right.

[475] That's how you do it.

[476] It was at this moment that the urge to yawn overcame me. With my hands full, I couldn't cover my mouth, which I thought was fine.

[477] Spoiler.

[478] It was not fine.

[479] Immediately after the yawn began, one of the football players who was probably about six foot five rounded the corner with his arms outstretched like an eagle over the crowded hallway.

[480] I saw it coming and tried to end the yawn prematurely but it was too late, which also you can't end the yawn prematurely.

[481] You'll never look chill trying to end a yawn.

[482] Also, your muscles are set in such a way where you have to finish the yawn.

[483] you can't just like snap it back closed you'll die you'll die but it was too late by the time his arm reached my face it fit into my mouth perfectly almost like a puzzle piece i didn't have i didn't have time to feel anything other than disgust in horror as i reflexively bit down on his arm what is this is his fault so far i just want to go on record i mean it's a very football playery to just like fly like an eagle.

[484] First of all, it must be fun to be six foot five.

[485] You're up above all the other teams.

[486] You don't have to look straight into anyone's acne -ridden, sad, apathetic face.

[487] You're up there flying like an eagle.

[488] It's a big night.

[489] The game's coming.

[490] As I quickly unlatch, the crowd carried the two of us in opposite directions, not giving any time to acknowledge what just happened.

[491] And looking back, I'm incredibly thankful for the surge of sports testosterone.

[492] that filled the hallways in that moment.

[493] Otherwise, I might have made eye contact with the guy and died of embarrassment.

[494] Anyway, thank you for all the laughs.

[495] No, there's not more.

[496] I want more.

[497] They got away with it.

[498] Basically, big yawn, then like arm appetizer, and then just never the twain shall meet.

[499] There are two ships passing in the night.

[500] It could have been love, but instead it was just like tasted your arm and then walked away.

[501] This guy, we're going to call him Chad.

[502] If Chad is a murderino and he's hearing this, you need to write your side of the story in immediately of what you thought.

[503] Did you go to high school in Brentwood, Tennessee?

[504] Were you a 6 '5 football player?

[505] Do you remember that fateful Friday afternoon of the big game?

[506] Could you not play because you had a fucking wound?

[507] What if it changed his entire trajectory in life?

[508] Because he was going on to university, he'd be like the fucking star quarterback or whatever and he got bit and it fucking what if he had it's the day the big game so he got high in the bathroom right before last period and he was and so he's super high he's flying like needle ooh this is so cool I'm so high he gets bit suddenly the drugs turn on him as drugs well and he's like oh my god there is a zombie outbreak and then he's freaking out yeah for the rest of the night he doesn't play in the fucking football game.

[509] Yeah.

[510] And then he goes on to have a really successful career.

[511] Right.

[512] Very satisfying.

[513] Because he would have become a drug head.

[514] And he didn't because he was like, well, I'm never doing it.

[515] That was like his trigger to be like, I'm doing, I'm not doing drugs because he would have moved, you know, gateway drugs or thing.

[516] He was definitely on his way to gateway to help.

[517] That's right.

[518] However, I really wish this had been a, that's how we fell in love story.

[519] I God.

[520] Because they still can be.

[521] His arm fit into her mouth.

[522] Oh, when does that ever happen?

[523] Oh, like a puzzle piece, she said.

[524] Like a puzzle, like a heart -shaped puzzle piece.

[525] Listen, maybe they're both divorces.

[526] They've, you know, they've had, they're like.

[527] Brentwood High, when you have your 25th anniversary reunion, what's it called?

[528] Anniversary, right?

[529] When you have your 25th birthday.

[530] As a high school, when you have your big high school birthday.

[531] What if he had had a crush on her the whole time and he had been wanting to ask her out?

[532] And then he was about, he's coming around.

[533] and he was like, you're an eagle man, you can fucking do this.

[534] And then she bit him.

[535] She bit him.

[536] And then he was like, if that's kind of a sign that she's not into me. If she liked me, she wouldn't have bit down on my arm.

[537] She wouldn't have bit me?

[538] Right.

[539] Or I fuck this up because I put my, probably like if you're 6 '5 in high school, you already, you've hit puberty and you have a hairy arm.

[540] And he's like, I stuck my hairy fucking arm and in my crushes now.

[541] What if separate from the romance we're projecting out of this?

[542] What if it was just a thing where he never.

[543] lifted his arms again ever like he would that suddenly that was a that that's like a new fear he he has where he's just like I can't put my arms out he was trying to get the nickname the eagle and that day it died he when he saw the movie titanic he screamed so loud in the theater that he had to lose it he was very triggered by titanic oh my god we did it near far wait there's more to this oh wow shit anyway thank you for all the last and the real talk moments surrounding mental health.

[544] Your podcast has helped me more than you know.

[545] Oh.

[546] A smiley face with a colon and a close parentheses.

[547] SDGM.

[548] SDGM.

[549] SDGM.

[550] No, I don't know if it's no stay or no sexy, but just SDGM.

[551] And don't ever yawn without being up to date on your rabies vaccine, Allison.

[552] Allison, thank you.

[553] Wonderful story, Allison.

[554] Thank you for letting us riff, giving us a chance to finally riff.

[555] Allison, thank you for letting us be a part of your biting story.

[556] If you've got a biting story or a fly like an eagle story or a Joe Biden story even.

[557] Please don't just give a rabies story.

[558] I remember in the 80s, rabies was a real thing to be scared about.

[559] That's because Kujo was such a wonderful film.

[560] Wonderful film.

[561] And partially shot in Petaluma.

[562] Oh, I didn't know that.

[563] Yeah, there's a part in Kujo where they're driving to the mechanics house.

[564] And it's how we used to go home to and from school.

[565] It's Badaica Avenue.

[566] And when I saw it in the movie, I was just like, we've made it.

[567] Yes, you have.

[568] We're stars.

[569] My brother in high school, he was on a bad track.

[570] And he had a movie with my dad.

[571] And my dad was like, every boy needs a dog to get responsible with.

[572] And so he got my brother.

[573] They went to the rescue and there was a puppy and they took him home.

[574] And he was the sweetest, dumbest dog you've ever met.

[575] he brought my cat the ball once to like throw the ball like he was just so sweet and stupid and my brother named him kujo because he was an angsty teen with a fucking bad attitude and this dumb sweet baby was named kujo he was our like childhood dog that's hilarious um write your fucking we don't care what the story is we won't remember even asking for it so just write it in we just want to hear from you right sure Tell us a story.

[576] Write your future memoir stories that you're trying to get some humor around that you still can't tell anyone.

[577] You can be anonymous.

[578] Write them to us and we'll make fun of them.

[579] Sure.

[580] Also, I think in this episode, I think there was a little undercurrent of meat cute.

[581] If you have a good meat cute story for your relationship, whether it's like Kelsey's parents on the train or this imagined meet cute.

[582] Yeah.

[583] Like a future.

[584] Have you met someone in COVID?

[585] That's like, oh, I never, you know what I mean?

[586] I found someone living in the walls of my house.

[587] Finally, one of those stories gets positive.

[588] He said his name was COVID Jack and we fell in love.

[589] Yeah, I love meat cute stories.

[590] Yeah.

[591] If it's real, and it better.

[592] Don't creepy pasta us with a meat cute.

[593] No. I look at creepy pastas.

[594] So mad at you.

[595] What a waste of time.

[596] This minisota is almost an hour.

[597] Oh, shit.

[598] We got to get out of here.

[599] All right.

[600] Stay sexy.

[601] And don't get murdered.

[602] Goodbye.

[603] Elvis, do you want a cookie?

[604] Ah.