Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hello, my name's Matthew Rees, and I feel equal parts confused and terrified about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[1] The confusion would be, why am I even here?
[2] To be perfectly honest.
[3] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[4] friends because I can tell never we are going to be friends Hey there Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a friend And I do I do need a friend Sometimes I make a friend And then I quickly lose them And that's on me I'm told I'm alienating And clingy But that's not the important thing That's from my father I'm here as always With Gourley and Sonomov Sessian And guys, I have some exciting news for you, which is that recently I was in New York City, and I started to hear a lot of, there was talk of gerbils.
[5] Oh, the new call.
[6] And as, let me, let me just update anybody for a long time, catechye was the catchphrase, and I would get catechies wherever I went.
[7] And that's people's way of letting them, letting me know that they listen to the podcast, which was kind of fun.
[8] And then not too long ago, I was telling a story about, uh, when Mickey Rooney was on the show many, many, many years ago, and he was trying to invoke, come up with the name Richard Gere, but he couldn't think of his name.
[9] And he said, who is he?
[10] Who is he?
[11] You know that guy, that actor?
[12] And Andy and I are both trying to help him.
[13] And he said, well, tell us something about him.
[14] And Mickey Rooney said, there was talk of gerbils.
[15] And Andy and I both explode laughing and laugh for solid 40 minutes.
[16] It was one of the most absurd moments of my life, which is really saying something, there was talk of gerbils anyway we were talking about that and then that we decided that should be the new catechai and i'm very impressed because i'm getting a lot of there was talk of gerbils and i even had one person walk up behind me in a restaurant and practically whisper in my ear there was talk of gerbils oh i thought you were going to say something else happened behind you with a gerbil oh no no no um there's it doesn't count if someone else has to place the gerbil um There are rules to these things, for Christ's sake.
[17] But anyway, it was, it's been kind of cool.
[18] It's working.
[19] It's working.
[20] People are listening to us.
[21] You feel, um, inflated when you hear that.
[22] Like, that's a good thing.
[23] When someone shouts across a crowded room, there was talk of gerbils.
[24] I'm walking down, walking up Fifth Avenue, very crowded street.
[25] And someone shouts from like 200 yards away, there was talk of gerbils.
[26] How do you feel about resuscitating, like, a. like a 30 -year -old rumor about a beloved actor, actually.
[27] You know, he's pretty beloved.
[28] And he's never, obviously never coming on this podcast.
[29] Oh, Matt.
[30] Yeah.
[31] Churples can't get enough.
[32] I don't think they love him.
[33] They do.
[34] He provides sanctuary.
[35] Does he get consent?
[36] Come on.
[37] No, listen.
[38] It's an insane rumor.
[39] Of course it's not true.
[40] There's no way that ever happens.
[41] happened, but the fact, first of all, I didn't resuscitate it.
[42] It was Mickey Rooney, God rest his soul, who did it back in 1993 on my show.
[43] And then I just happened to recall it.
[44] I don't think that that is technically me resuscitating the rumor.
[45] So I think I'm in the clear.
[46] You are keeping it alive in a way.
[47] You are.
[48] People Googled that rumor after you, after they listen to that segment.
[49] And they're like, what?
[50] Richard Gere did what?
[51] You think people didn't know?
[52] I think that there is a contingent of people who had no idea.
[53] Wait, Eduardo was saying he didn't know.
[54] Yeah, younger people might not know it.
[55] Okay, Eduardo didn't know.
[56] Okay.
[57] So now just because I repeated what Mickey Rooney said, you now are aware of this.
[58] You believe it?
[59] Well, guess what?
[60] We have the gerbil.
[61] He's here and he's going on the record.
[62] Yeah.
[63] He's dead.
[64] He's for sure dead.
[65] He died.
[66] You hear this guy.
[67] Hey, Gerbil.
[68] Do a little, uh, it is all untrue.
[69] It is, this is the Chiron that will go underneath the gerbil.
[70] You got a great podcast voice.
[71] Okay, the gerbil is now saying, and then we just put this on a Chiron, uh, the rumors are untrue.
[72] I never even met Mr. Gear.
[73] Mr. Gear is an outstanding actor.
[74] These are absurd, absurd allegations.
[75] And I deny them.
[76] That sounds like, uh, no, it's, it's, it's clearly not.
[77] true.
[78] It's clearly not true.
[79] I don't know if it's clearly not true.
[80] I think it could be.
[81] You think it's, no, now, what are you doing?
[82] So yeah.
[83] No, it's not true.
[84] Okay.
[85] First of all, it's an who would.
[86] A lot of people would.
[87] I don't even know how that.
[88] Would what?
[89] They wouldn't.
[90] Not a lot of people.
[91] Do you guys start using specifics for Christ's sake?
[92] He's, okay.
[93] The, the rumor No one, no one wants a gerbil.
[94] They have claws.
[95] That's not going to be good.
[96] Not if you declaw them.
[97] I was thought they wore mittens.
[98] They do.
[99] I think you get little gerbil mittens.
[100] Little boxing gloves.
[101] Little boxing gloves.
[102] And, um, but also do you, do they enter through a habit trail?
[103] I always heard it was through a cardboard, a tube, like a tape paper towel roll.
[104] You know what?
[105] I pictured one of those giant habit trails that's literally going, it's massive.
[106] The gerbil's been journeying for days.
[107] No, they entered through it like a Home Depot pneumatic message delivery system.
[108] Oh, God.
[109] Oh, gosh.
[110] Oh, my gosh.
[111] Oh, my gosh.
[112] how many are you putting going in there anyway no it's completely untrue and i am as shocked as anybody by the allegation that i have resuscitated this rumor because i would not do that no i think there's a whole generation of people now who know that rumor because of you specifically and they're they're yelling to you that hey i know what that dribble thinks about so every time they say it they mean that you're ruining richard kear's career in I am not in any way hurting his career.
[113] Although Barbara Walters in an interview did ask him about it.
[114] Really?
[115] There's a Barbara Walters interview where she says, you know that rumor?
[116] And he's like, oh, my God.
[117] Yes.
[118] So Barbara Walters, in her own way, I think Mickey Rooney and Barbara Walters were the true criminals here.
[119] And you.
[120] And God rest both of their souls.
[121] But they're the ones that the true criminals.
[122] I'm just repeating something I heard during one of my idle chats.
[123] What are we going to do if we ever have Richard Gear as a guest on them?
[124] this show.
[125] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
[126] He won't come on.
[127] I think that ship sailed.
[128] Yeah.
[129] I love Richard Gere.
[130] He's, and I've met him a bunch of times.
[131] He's a lovely man. He's a very talented actor, and it's the stupidest untrue rumor in the history of show business.
[132] But it's out there.
[133] I don't know how it got revived, but I'm going to look into it and find out.
[134] Let's talk guests.
[135] My guest today.
[136] This guest deserves better.
[137] Oh, my God, any guest deserves so much better than this intro of gerbils being fired through a pneumatic tube into the bottom of a famous.
[138] All right.
[139] My guest today won an Emmy for his portrayal of Russian spy Philip Jennings in the FX series The Americans.
[140] He also stars in the HBO series Perry Mason.
[141] I have to tell you, I believe him to be one of the most charming and witty gentleman.
[142] have encountered in this lifetime thrilled these with us today.
[143] Matthew Rees, welcome.
[144] I think you thought you were on your way to a different podcast.
[145] No, no, it's not that.
[146] I usually go to most interviews and certainly most jobs going why am I here?
[147] They're just going to go, we meant Terry Reese.
[148] Get out, Lord.
[149] I live my life.
[150] I mean, what a way to live.
[151] I mean, I know it most actors do.
[152] Has that ever crossed your mine for a second.
[153] Why should I be here?
[154] Yeah, the imposter syndrome.
[155] Of course.
[156] What are you talking?
[157] I've built a career on the imposter syndrome.
[158] I know.
[159] I'm constantly looking about saying, how is any of this happening?
[160] Right.
[161] And I think that they're talking about someone behind me. And sometimes they are, actually.
[162] That has happened.
[163] That's a terrible feeling.
[164] But I still, I still navigate life looking at people like you going, I bet you have Betty.
[165] I bloody doesn't feel it.
[166] Who?
[167] The revelation recently was Ryan Reynolds says, he has.
[168] And I was like, God, he has it.
[169] Right.
[170] Well, if he has it, we're all fine.
[171] Yeah.
[172] Well, okay, this is a true story that should put you at ease.
[173] I have these two colleagues that usually do the show with me, Sona, who's my assistant and Matt Gourley.
[174] But they have been found out.
[175] They have been found out.
[176] So now they're removed.
[177] Yeah, they're gone.
[178] But because I'm, they both have young kids, and I'm here in New York, and they found out that you were booked and they were ecstatic.
[179] Then they find out that only I get to talk to you because it's in New York.
[180] And they talked about it on the show and how bitter they were.
[181] Because I hate to break it to you, but you were a delightful, good -looking fellow that everyone...
[182] So there was an insurrection at my little show because they couldn't be here.
[183] Things I have never sparked.
[184] One, an insurrection in my own lunchtime.
[185] It genuinely makes me feel like I have something to give.
[186] This reminds me of years and years and years ago in another lifetime.
[187] I was walking through a section of Boston, ran into a gang of kids who were not too happy to see me. One of them punched me really hard in the face, smashed my nose.
[188] So my mother's at work and she gets a call.
[189] And the person who calls my mother says, I don't know why she phrased it this way, but it was a gang of kids.
[190] And she said, your son Conan was attacked by a mob and my mother's first thought was that makes sense because she was just used to me being around the house being a wise ass of course he was attacked by a mob oh my god she probably finished the sentence one of your sons was it Conan yeah that makes sense oh my god no we all have but the fact that she thinks you could offend a mob or incite a mob I could do it is almost a certain testament to you in a way also I think it is It shows I'm, you know, I'm like braveheart, you know, I'm just a great, a leader.
[191] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[192] Thank you for that.
[193] Thank you.
[194] No, but that's a true story that people adore you.
[195] And when we talked, the last time we talked on the podcast, it was Zoom because it was during the alleged virus.
[196] I'd still like to see proof on that.
[197] And you were fantastic and we were cackling away.
[198] And then I will admit, at one point, your lovely and beautiful wife, Carrie, walked by in the background with, I think, a load of laundry.
[199] And I have to tell you, my soul left my body for a minute, and I didn't listen to you at all.
[200] I watched this vision of beauty walk by with some laundry and then walk by the other way.
[201] Yes.
[202] My soul, when I see her with laundry, my soul leaves my body.
[203] Because I think, shit, I haven't done it.
[204] Oh, God, I'm in trouble now.
[205] You're in trouble, yeah.
[206] Oh, shit.
[207] Yeah, that'll make me leap like Norriev when I see work in the house that I haven't done.
[208] You know, it is still a disconnect for me. I'm a big fan of yours and of your work, and whether it's the Americans or Perry Mason or any of the work you've done in film, I'm just used to the accent.
[209] Your true accent is fantastic.
[210] Wow.
[211] Though the Welsh accent might be my favorite accent.
[212] Hurrah.
[213] Because I find the Irish accent to be absurd.
[214] I mean, the real Irish accent.
[215] You know, the real Irish accent, when you go to Ireland and you talk to Irish people, when I was a kid, there was a commercial for cereal called Lucky Charms.
[216] Yes, of course.
[217] And the little Lucky Charmsman was all kind of like this.
[218] It was all kind of like this.
[219] And I thought that's how Irish people talked.
[220] And then I talked to real Irish people.
[221] Like that's not a word.
[222] Can't understand a word.
[223] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[224] One long aggressive vowel.
[225] When was the first time you went to?
[226] Were you tracing roots the first time you went back?
[227] No, I went there the first time, of course, to do comedy.
[228] I went there to shoot a comedy piece.
[229] And the idea was that I was looking from my roots, but that all I knew was that they looked like me, meaning round face, red hair.
[230] They drank a lot, and they were depressive.
[231] And I was asking people, and their last name was O 'Brien.
[232] Great.
[233] And of course, it was a really fun segment, but I have found myself, I mean, I basically know sort of where we're from.
[234] Which is where, where?
[235] We are from the south on the water, Dungarvan in Waterford.
[236] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[237] And we know that I have a great, great, great grandfather who was a bone setter.
[238] And someone else was really good at building a stone wall.
[239] And seriously, like he knew where to put the rock.
[240] Yeah.
[241] And all of those...
[242] I could see the bone setter and the wall mason kind of discussing notes at times.
[243] Yes.
[244] Surely they found a common thread.
[245] Yes, which is when you drop the rock.
[246] Now, listen, now, I've got a fella, well, I'm related to him.
[247] I'll send you to him now.
[248] Yeah, he'll set you right.
[249] Yeah, they probably worked with each other.
[250] They did, they did.
[251] But I'm curious, it's got to be such a rich and important part of your life because I think of the amazing actors, storytellers, poets come from Wales.
[252] It's just got to be in your blood.
[253] There's something in your, there's something in the blood of the large people.
[254] What is it besides...
[255] Besides the obvious.
[256] Yeah.
[257] Besides 90 % alcohol.
[258] There's a number of things I attribute it to.
[259] Yes.
[260] I think like the other Celtic countries, we have that very deep -rooted storytelling society.
[261] Yes.
[262] I think Wales, possibly more so than Ireland and Scotland, because we were far smaller in numbers and size, had to work that much harder to find an equal footing in this, in the kind of between the two Celtic giants.
[263] So sometimes at times we shout a little too loud as the kind of, you know, aggressive young sibling of the tribe.
[264] And I think it's certainly in Wales where there's still a very, I don't know if I bored you with this last time, there's a very strong tradition in the youth movements of Wales that twice a year, there are two enormous cultural festivals for children, although it's slightly ironic that they make it a competition.
[265] Right.
[266] But you get together to compete in poetry, recital, you know, singing.
[267] any kind of cultural medium.
[268] So you are beaten over the head with it, you know, from a very early age.
[269] This is, I'm going to add to this, which is that I spent 28 years with a talk show talking to a lot of actors and I learned over time.
[270] And this is just almost like I was doing a science experiment, whether you're English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh, those actors come and they have stories.
[271] and they're funny and there is a thing and it's not it's not true of every american actor certainly but there was a i don't know i have a theory that it was maybe james dean or marwin brando the looking down uh never smiling mumbling tradition meant that it's not cool to be a raconteur right does that makes any sense to you so so uh you know you'd have great great american actors would come on and they give very little, be a little monosyllabic, and every now and then they dare to be a little funny.
[272] Every time I talk to anybody who came up in the UK, they, I mean, you're talking about, and we were talking just before the show about just some of the amazing greats, and you see them on talk shows back in the 60s and the 70s.
[273] I was certainly raised on, you know, that couple, I was going to say, you know, I think there was a, certainly there was a, I'm going to segue, way viciously, because I have a mustache at the moment, because my nephew came over to stay with me recently, and I have such vivid memories of my uncles back in the 70s and 80s who had terrible mustaches.
[274] So I kind of wanted to have pictures of us together, so we'd always have these terrible pictures of me in a mustache, because I always think you should have a picture, a photo of your uncle with a dubious mustache in somebody's like, wait a minute, you were on the Americans, couldn't you have just...
[275] I thought, I did think about going into the cigar box and going, no, What do we have here?
[276] Today I'm Groucho Marx.
[277] That coupled, so it was always the uncle that was the slight raconteur for us back at home, who always came in with the long story or the, you know, the tall tale, coupled with those, you know, the Peter O'Toole, Richard Harris, the Richard Burtons, when they're on, you know, on the big talk shows, who could just spellbind with these stories of such enormous standing that you didn't.
[278] care if they were true or not oh god true has no place in a story no absolutely we have a saying it's an irish fact you know which is uh and my my my mother -in -law who i adore who's great she uh her family like mine uh is uh irish catholic and she'll sometimes with great certainty tell you a story yeah and uh my father -in -law will say well it's an irish fact that's i'm taking that one home Oh, yeah.
[279] Well, Kerry and I, because Kerry and I, because Kelly and I, Carrie, does that thing, so she's like, yeah, but that's not true.
[280] And I'm like, but that doesn't matter because the story was infinitely better with that fact.
[281] This is, but it's not a fact.
[282] I'm going to play this segment for my wife because my wife and my kids are always around.
[283] They saw the actual moment go down.
[284] Then I rearrange you the bit.
[285] I make a few tweaks, and I'm killing with it at a party.
[286] Yes.
[287] No, no, no, no, no. No, that's not true.
[288] You have the order wrong.
[289] Yes.
[290] And no, you didn't have a shotgun.
[291] And I think, well, okay.
[292] Yeah, yeah.
[293] It was a pellet gun.
[294] It broke the skin.
[295] Yeah.
[296] It shot bubbles.
[297] Yeah.
[298] I saw, I think, footage, I don't remember where he was, but I saw Richard Burton telling a story.
[299] And, you know, you think about now there's just so much, so many interviews everywhere.
[300] And they're just, the world is, everybody's constantly just interviewing each other.
[301] No one's growing food anymore.
[302] Just egos.
[303] Yeah.
[304] Yeah.
[305] Yeah, and so you can get like, oh, okay, you know, this is really so much fluff.
[306] But then I watched, I forget who it was, but they were interviewing Richard Burton.
[307] And he was telling a story about, as a young man doing, performing Shakespeare in London.
[308] And then he said he could hear the word had come out just before he went out that Winston Churchill's in the audience.
[309] And then he said he starts to say as lines and he can hear this very familiar voice in the audience, saying them along with him.
[310] word for word word word and I think and he said I sped up I slowed down I couldn't lose it I couldn't lose them no no and I think to myself now that's a talk show story yes I don't have one like that no I tell people Winston Churchill came to a late night show a few years ago and no one ever for some reason I couldn't lose him in the monologue yeah and then at the end of the story he said um he's in his dressing room as a knock of the door and and the door opens and Churchill's there And he goes, my noble Lord Hamlet, may I use your bathroom?
[311] He's like, what a fitting coda.
[312] Now cheer till.
[313] So you grow up.
[314] Yes.
[315] I mean, there's that tradition.
[316] Still in debate.
[317] That's, yeah.
[318] Well, you physically grew.
[319] Yes.
[320] You still have the mind of a child.
[321] But you grow up and you have such this rich tradition.
[322] And now you're spending a good portion of your life in New York City.
[323] And you have a family here.
[324] Yeah, yeah.
[325] And that must feel like a disconnect sometimes.
[326] It's still to this day.
[327] It feels like so many things.
[328] I remember one of the first times it really hit home was when we were driving back into the city.
[329] And we lived very close to the Brooklyn Bridge.
[330] And we're crossing the Brooklyn Bridge.
[331] And the kids go, oh, we're home.
[332] And I went, who's home?
[333] Yes.
[334] What?
[335] This is not my home.
[336] I know I'm still.
[337] This is part of a movie.
[338] Yes.
[339] You can only work a 10 -hour day.
[340] Yeah.
[341] You precocious.
[342] assholes, yes.
[343] So, and it's, it's still, there are more, as I was coming in today, there are scenes I will look at, you know, in Times Square and still feel like I'm in a Scorsese movie.
[344] Yes, you're in taxi driver.
[345] Yes, yes.
[346] I'm giving the best performance of my life.
[347] But it, it's, it's still, it's, it's, it still hasn't sunk in.
[348] There's, where, where the kids play football has this incredible view of Manhattan, to the kind of Brooklyn, the southern tip of Manhattan, it has the entire view.
[349] Of that, you can see, you can see the Chrysler Empire.
[350] You can see everything from this, from a football field where the kids played football.
[351] And I said the other day, I said, it is incredible that you will grow up having this view from your soccer field.
[352] Yeah.
[353] And he went, what view?
[354] I went, nothing, doesn't matter.
[355] Kick the ball.
[356] Yeah.
[357] It is like, if you talk to us, if one does talk to, I try not to, but talk to a small boy in France in Paris.
[358] who lives in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower.
[359] There's a good chance he's never been up in it.
[360] No, no. And doesn't give a shit.
[361] No, and understandably, nor should he.
[362] Los Angeles, you know, I was seven years in Los Angeles.
[363] And that felt, that felt a lot more foreign to me. That was truly the thing.
[364] I think we all grew up with this incredibly exotic idea of Los Angeles.
[365] And it sort of doesn't disappoint when you got off the plane.
[366] You know, we were all heading over there for pilot season with these giddy notions.
[367] But L .A. to me, and still has that light in those palm trees that still feel like it was everything I imagined and wanted to do as a child.
[368] And then when I came to New York, having spent 13 years in London, I felt one step to, I still felt like in a movie, but it was one step towards somewhere I knew.
[369] I was like, I can navigate the subway.
[370] I know, you know, this feels a little more, the bars were a little more familiar.
[371] I felt like, I was like, okay, I can be, relatively comfortable.
[372] You've clicked back a little closer on the dial.
[373] I have.
[374] I have.
[375] I can find my own among these dirty streets.
[376] What when you're a kid and you're dreaming about Hollywood, maybe?
[377] It was, yeah.
[378] What, you know, who are the actors that really spoke to you or the film actors?
[379] Were there people that spoke to you?
[380] And were they necessarily any of the Welsh greats or were you, had you moved on to, you like Laverne and Shirley?
[381] Well, I've always Laverne, Leone, Lacey, all the classics.
[382] But I think Burton was revered in Wales because.
[383] he was the trailblazer, the one who not only conquered, he not only conquered, well, no, you know, Hollywood, he took it to a realm that we could have, we can still only imagine.
[384] Well, because, you know, I don't think there's a lot of young people that listen to this, and they don't understand that Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor were this scandalous couple, they were, whatever you think the Kardashians are now, in terms of pure level of fame?
[385] Yes.
[386] or, you know, Brad Pitt, Angeline Jolie, whatever you can imagine, it was bigger because they were the acknowledged biggest couple in the world.
[387] And for about eight years and whatever they did was news.
[388] Right.
[389] And to a degree, the sort of first of that paparazzi world that kind of would shut down blocks because of, you know, the trail of paparazzi and just the extravagance of the life that went with it, the yachts and the kind of outbidding.
[390] He got her a giant ring.
[391] Yes, he outbid or nassus on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, all those, all those incredible stories and inhaling from a tiny mining town in, in South Wales.
[392] So it was, he, he was, you know, I, I, I read about him as a young boy and he really was, he was, you know, and then, and then Hopkins from the.
[393] same town, Auntie Hopkins from the same town, followed in his footsteps.
[394] And then we were all on.
[395] And then we were off.
[396] We were like, if, right, we're on.
[397] Right.
[398] I want to go back in time and be born in that town.
[399] I really do.
[400] I know.
[401] I want a time machine and a visa.
[402] Yes.
[403] I want to be born in that town.
[404] Yes.
[405] And then I'll get the respect I deserve.
[406] Right.
[407] Michael Sheen, also born in that town.
[408] But then, but, you know, they, they set, they set the trail for us to kind of go, we're allowed now.
[409] Yeah.
[410] It's possible.
[411] Are there any things that you can do, say, with your family that will bring them closer to your childhood?
[412] Can you go out and this is a, I don't even know if this is something that happens in Wales.
[413] I'm just making it up.
[414] But can you say, let's go cut some peat for the fire?
[415] No, we leave that to the Irish.
[416] No one can cut Pete like the Irish.
[417] Okay.
[418] Yes.
[419] All right.
[420] That was a bad one.
[421] How about this?
[422] How about you dig a small mind?
[423] wherever you're living, just outside.
[424] Get permission from the city to build a small mine.
[425] Well, that's what we have going on in Brooklyn in a moment.
[426] We're going down another scene in a week.
[427] So we're very excited.
[428] The kids are very excited.
[429] I'm old school, so I like the naked flame on the helmet.
[430] Sure, of course, of course.
[431] Here's a canary for the morning.
[432] Off you go.
[433] You lower them on a road?
[434] Yeah, I do.
[435] Sing, sing, Danny.
[436] Yes, yes.
[437] So, you know, they get a sense of both worlds.
[438] I like that.
[439] A sense of, you know, both worlds.
[440] and understanding.
[441] Funny enough, for last year, you know, Kerry was shooting back in London.
[442] So for the first time, and my son was six, so I got to start taking him back to those elements of my childhood when we were kind of packed off to the farms at early ages.
[443] And we went back to my father's farm.
[444] And that was, I did get quite emotional at times.
[445] But that to me was this incredible moment where I started to show him all the old, you know, Kodak photos of me at six feeding various livestock and I just sound like a complete Welsh cliche but yeah I was I was incredibly happy to be to be able to do that to kind of you know link link my past more so than I've been doing so I mean that's the other thing too is do you think your your kid's going to have an accent at all it's going to have can you just can you give him tapes that he could listen to as he's sleeping at night I do speak to him in Welsh now because I you know I was I was raised speaking Welsh.
[446] And it wasn't any kind of conscious decision when he was born.
[447] I just started speaking to him in Welsh.
[448] And he's now entering this phase where he's realizing that I, he calls it dad a language and mama language.
[449] And he's kind of getting, it's not, he's not embarrassed by it, but some, well, no, he is embarrassed by it.
[450] Because sometimes in school, he'll say, hey, can you speak Mama's language?
[451] And I go, I go, yes, absolutely.
[452] But, you know, know that it's, it's our own secret language because I'm pretty sure there's very few in Brooklyn that can pick up on our conversation.
[453] So, you know, I'm just trying to impart things that in retrospect I hope he'll go, all right, he did pass out.
[454] There are these phrases, these songs that I can remember, you know, songs from my father, to quote Marlon Brando's book.
[455] Yeah.
[456] It's funny, what I'm passing on to my kids is because my wife is very she's a wasp.
[457] So she's she just is she's uh she's uh i married someone who's got ancestors with portraits and um do they go back to the mayflower oh i'm sure they were they were on the mayflower these are people who they're they're they're a mix of uh some welsh Scottish English a little bit of Irish and then uh it's funny when I came along uh there my my wife's grandfather was uh was just like oh you brought an Irishman have you know and I'm like well you know we've been in this country a couple of hundred years I'm well educated I think I I clean up nice but he was suspicious he told me at one point he called me over and he said you know I just have to tell you I have a problem with the Pope and I said well I yeah I said you know first of all it's it's 2005 but it was just funny that I think when he looked at me he saw a leprechaun who was trying to a pope loving licking You're papist.
[458] Yeah, you're papist, lechle.
[459] So, were you raised Catholic?
[460] Oh, very Catholic.
[461] Right.
[462] Yeah, very is very Catholic.
[463] And so, have you done genealogy?
[464] Have you done the kind of...
[465] I did.
[466] And?
[467] Who are your percentages?
[468] I am 100%.
[469] That's amazing.
[470] I think about it.
[471] Congratulations you.
[472] You're not fair bread.
[473] Well, what I say when it's true is I'm imbred.
[474] It's true.
[475] It was part of my stand -up act for a while.
[476] And people would have.
[477] really laugh hard and I think they always laugh at the true part Isn't that the goal?
[478] But of course you're only 100 % Irish if brothers are marrying sisters for a couple hundred years.
[479] Exactly.
[480] So this is...
[481] Well done.
[482] You pass the test.
[483] You get the key to the country now, let alone the city.
[484] Pick a city.
[485] No, it's true.
[486] I would love, I always tell my kids your guys are a mix and you want to be a mix.
[487] Right.
[488] Exotic.
[489] Exotic mix.
[490] Yes, of Irish, with Scottish, with English, with...
[491] Yeah, all bases covered.
[492] Yes.
[493] Yeah, then they can mix in any social circle.
[494] Exactly.
[495] Yeah, and passport to any small Celtic country they want.
[496] But anyway, no, you should think of doing a remake of the I Love Lucy show, where it's you and Kerry, except, you know, when he would, when Desi would get upset, he would start babbling and he'd start, like, he'd get upset and he'd start ranting in Spanish.
[497] And I think you could do the same show, except you just go into Welsh.
[498] Yeah.
[499] I live that life.
[500] I don't, that's life in our house where I kind of curse in Welsh and kind of shout, you know, recal.
[501] What is a, I don't even know a Welsh swear or what it sounds like.
[502] Kachy.
[503] Yes.
[504] You just sneezed.
[505] Yes, I know.
[506] People often say Kzuntai when I'm speaking Welsh.
[507] During COVID, you must have been a terrifying person to be around.
[508] Well, of course, they were like, get away.
[509] Get away.
[510] Get away.
[511] Yes.
[512] Are you all right, sir?
[513] Yes.
[514] Was that a lung?
[515] Yes.
[516] What gave me great joy the other day was actually hearing my son swear in Welsh.
[517] Oh, that's terrific.
[518] Kakti?
[519] Kachki.
[520] Kachki.
[521] I don't want to know what it means.
[522] I just want to enjoy.
[523] It's like, okay.
[524] I'll let your imagination.
[525] Let my mind fill it in.
[526] Yes, I can watch it.
[527] It's like two little movie screens.
[528] Yes.
[529] Two little beady movie screens.
[530] You're looking in my eyes.
[531] I was.
[532] I have to ask you something.
[533] something, which is I heard, I don't know if it's true, that you auditioned.
[534] And I was delighted when I heard it a number of years ago for James Bond, and the role went to Daniel Craig, as we all know, but I think it'd be terrific.
[535] I really do.
[536] I really do think you'd be terrific.
[537] Thank you.
[538] I told so many people I would be.
[539] I practically told my family I was going to be.
[540] Right.
[541] Which was always there.
[542] Did you, when you walked out of the rehearsal, did you, I mean, out of the audition, Did you see Daniel Craig sitting there with his sides and go, good luck.
[543] Good luck.
[544] Good luck.
[545] Yes.
[546] Good luck, D .C. Yes.
[547] No, no, it was one of those moments where it was true that they were floating this idea that the next James Bond would be plucked at an early age out of the Naval Academy.
[548] Yeah.
[549] And they had all these great ideas, like the Bond himself kind of like, you know, was going to pick the next candidate to fill the role of 007.
[550] Right.
[551] So everyone was like, oh, my God, this could be true.
[552] We're at the right age.
[553] It's going to be amazing.
[554] And this, I think we were a relatively large group of kind of young white men who were invited to read Casina Royal, put on a nice dark suit and go to the Procolese office, which was a sight to behold, the office itself that looks out over Green Park, I think, in London was just, was just unbelievable.
[555] I mean, this is the family that's been producing the film since Dr. No. Yes, yeah.
[556] Since the first one.
[557] Yes.
[558] So it was terrifying in itself that you walked in, there was a number of faces in that little.
[559] anti -chamber that you knew who were very successful and you're like oh shit oh god and then we all sat there sweating and making terrible small talk and then you're invited in um and they're all behind this enormous desk and there's so much memorabilia around that you want to start talking about in fanning out sure yeah and you're trying to try to remain kind of very serious and suave at the same time you're trying to be i know bond channel bond oh god it's so it's just so depressing when you look back at it And so what are they, do they, uh, how did you think the audition went?
[560] Well, I'm not playing bonds.
[561] Nor have I been.
[562] I thought, well, maybe.
[563] Yes.
[564] It was a close call between you.
[565] No. Obviously in my mind it was.
[566] You know, I kept telling everyone, it was between me and Daniel Craig.
[567] Like, it's not.
[568] He's been off of the past.
[569] Stop saying that.
[570] He's made three of them.
[571] I know, but I still think I've got a chance.
[572] Yeah.
[573] They're just using him to get my price down.
[574] Yes.
[575] Think of him as a warm -up.
[576] So they basically said, have you read Christina Ryle and said yes?
[577] And then they just said a question I hadn't anticipated for love and of money.
[578] They went, so what would you do different with Bond?
[579] And then I was like, oh, shit.
[580] I was like, is this, so what kind, is this the trick question or is it a genuine question?
[581] And as a terrible joke, I said, limp.
[582] And it went out and and except it got worse because it was quiet it went very quiet so then I thought I would double down and said eye patch and then and then I just fell apart and it lasted about 30 seconds after that I love Bond with not just a little limp but a decided aggressive limp and a lot of I'll get you someone help me it yes I did want to say.
[583] I was like, look, Roger Moore had a running double in view to a kill.
[584] It's not out of the question.
[585] Also, do you think of the comedic elements?
[586] They were like, did you get that from missions?
[587] He's like, no, I had polio and rickets as a child.
[588] The Navy are very accommodating.
[589] I didn't need enough fresh fruit as a child.
[590] Yes.
[591] So, yeah, it was very brief after that.
[592] There was a quick kind of a ters, yes, yes.
[593] Well, thank you so much for coming in.
[594] You're like, oh, that was my bond moment.
[595] That was your bond moment.
[596] Yeah, yeah.
[597] And I think of that often.
[598] But then I still think of the question.
[599] I go, well, as you can tell, I don't, I still don't have a coherent answer that would have wowed them.
[600] I often wonder what Daniel Craig said to that question.
[601] What would you have said to that question?
[602] I would have said, you know, what if, what if he's very claustrophobic?
[603] He has little, he has little ticks, you know, so he doesn't take elevators.
[604] He only takes stairs.
[605] That's good.
[606] Doesn't like to.
[607] Oh, how about a bond that doesn't like to fly?
[608] And so they're, you know the way, because most of those movies are, he's hopping from, he's in London, obviously, but then suddenly he's in, you know, Simmeritz, but then he's in, you know, he's on the Ivory Coast.
[609] He's all over the place.
[610] Yeah.
[611] A Bond who needs to, it's in his contract.
[612] I don't fly.
[613] Yeah, that's good.
[614] So it's long boat rides.
[615] Yes, yes.
[616] Or trains.
[617] Trains.
[618] Yes.
[619] Trains and then boats.
[620] Yes.
[621] So you're always cutting to him in travel, exhausted.
[622] Yeah.
[623] And M is always saying, well, is Bond there?
[624] Well, no. Let's see where he is now.
[625] He's...
[626] Yeah.
[627] See, brilliant.
[628] You can see that.
[629] Yes.
[630] I can see that.
[631] Yes.
[632] I could have been...
[633] I know.
[634] Yeah.
[635] Think of the film career I'd have had...
[636] Yeah.
[637] With talent and a completely different face.
[638] Imagine how close I got.
[639] I won't.
[640] I won't.
[641] Yes, you will.
[642] Oh, tonight is you try and fall asleep.
[643] Yes, it'll be only think...
[644] You'll be thinking.
[645] It'll haunt me. Carrie will say, why are you twisting and turning in the bed?
[646] Yes, because I have a problem with...
[647] The Pope.
[648] Is that what you're calling it now?
[649] Yes.
[650] Is that the euphemism for it now?
[651] Yes, it is.
[652] I have a problem with the Pope.
[653] Yes.
[654] You know, I've been shooting a travel, some travel pieces recently, and I find myself kickboxing in Thailand, and I think, how could this have happened?
[655] Yeah.
[656] You know, I come from Boston, Massachusetts.
[657] Yeah.
[658] My parents were nothing near show business.
[659] I love that part of it.
[660] And I know that, you know, for example, for the second season of Perry Mason, which I adore, you got to ride a vintage motorcycle.
[661] Is that right?
[662] Yes.
[663] Are you a motorcycle guy?
[664] Well, this will color the way I answer this question.
[665] Okay, I'll tell you this.
[666] Yeah.
[667] I do have a motorcycle.
[668] I don't, I have all these rules about when I ride it because I want my kids to, I want to meet my grandchildren.
[669] Yes.
[670] But I recently was in a very exotic location and they found a motorcycle for me to ride for this one shot.
[671] And it was a 1956 BMW in Bangkok.
[672] And I just was looking at this thing.
[673] It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life.
[674] And then you ride it and you think, I really like the improvements they've made.
[675] Yes.
[676] I like the look of this thing.
[677] Oh, I love the look of this.
[678] But what did you get to ride?
[679] So it was a 1933, Harley Davidson.
[680] Right.
[681] And it took a course very quickly.
[682] So they said, we were talking about what we're going to do with Mason.
[683] And they said, what do you, like, dream scenario, what would you get to do in this?
[684] And I said, look, I do love being on a horse.
[685] I've always loved horses.
[686] If you can find your way onto a horse, if you can find Mason under a horse, that'd be great.
[687] But in a courtroom scene?
[688] Yes.
[689] I was like, now there's your challenge.
[690] That's what I've noticed about the new season that threw me a bit is you're often on horseback in the courtroom.
[691] Yes, exactly.
[692] High hope.
[693] Yes.
[694] There was a lot of objections.
[695] It takes me out of the...
[696] I know.
[697] Everyone said that.
[698] So one of the writers...
[699] One of the writers is an enormous, you know, motorbike fan.
[700] So he said, I'm going to, you know, we're going to have Mason on a motorbike.
[701] Great.
[702] So then the stunt coordinator calls me, he says, can you ride a motorbike?
[703] I said, I can.
[704] I said, I've had to ride a vintage one before.
[705] They said, great.
[706] Come down.
[707] We're going to do a test day, you know, weeks before.
[708] Okay, great.
[709] Let's go down.
[710] Producers there.
[711] Everyone's there.
[712] And there is the Harley guy.
[713] And he's like, okay.
[714] So you hold this and then pull that in.
[715] Now, obviously, well, obviously, you'll have pumped this first.
[716] And I'm like, right.
[717] Then you go for the, right.
[718] Now the kickstart.
[719] As that's kickstart, timing, timing, time.
[720] Turn that, turn, turn, turn.
[721] I was like, this will never work.
[722] Can't you get me something that looks like this?
[723] but it just has an on -off switch.
[724] Yes.
[725] And it has an automatic transmission.
[726] So that was established very quickly.
[727] I did.
[728] So they got the stuntman to ride it for a second.
[729] And no one could hear anything.
[730] Everyone's going, I can't hear all with the noise of this thing.
[731] Right.
[732] The stuntman said, whoa, this is tricky.
[733] Right?
[734] Yeah.
[735] Wow, this is dangerous.
[736] Yeah.
[737] I wouldn't want to ride this thing.
[738] Yeah.
[739] So the producer is very, very quickly, turned to the action vehicle team and went, how long would it take to turn this into an electric bike at which there were audible gasps from certain male members of this group?
[740] Yes, yes.
[741] You've been emasculated.
[742] Oh, so they took it away and they turned it into an e -bike.
[743] So very often out on set, it was still this beautiful, this shell of a thing, 1933 Harley that had all these batteries, you know, squirled away about it.
[744] And very often we were on location in various places around LA and I'd be on the thing kind of warming it you know doing little laps and stuff like that and gentlemen of us usually a certain age would come up and go whoa whoa whoa what what is that and I was like well it's it's a it's a 1933 Harley Davidson and they go yeah but it's not an original they wouldn't have done that to an original and I went yes they have because I asked them yes and some it was met with a very great mix of reverence for the engineering that would have gone into turning into an e -bike and abject disgust to the butchering of some American history.
[745] I'm also thinking of, you know, most people want the Harley in any era because of that distinctive Harley sound.
[746] And I imagine this thing sounded like, blud -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l.
[747] And little bubbles came out the back.
[748] Yes, it was like, it was like.
[749] And then warning, battery low, Oh, embarrassing sounds come out of it.
[750] Yeah, yeah.
[751] And it would tell you when you needed, you know, another coffee or something, or something like that.
[752] So it was, it was, it was good and both bad.
[753] Yeah.
[754] And then the other, the flip side of that was when they said, oh, we're going to write, we're going to write this, we're going to write this scene where you're in Santa Ana, a racetrack on a thoroughbed.
[755] And I was like, doing what, though?
[756] And they went, well, you're galloping around the track.
[757] And I said, yes, but I won't get to gallop.
[758] That'll be a stuntman.
[759] They won't allow me to do that.
[760] And they went, oh, sorry, well, we've written it.
[761] So cut two is me on the most, this is probably one of the most humiliating moments, they kind of got me this, it was used in C -Biscuit, but it's basically like an adult rocking horse that's attached to the back of a pick -ham.
[762] Yeah, so there's a stuntman riding a horse that looks amazing.
[763] And then they cut in for the tight shot of Perry Mason.
[764] And you're on basically a carpet, a horse -colored carpet has been laid over a fake horse.
[765] horse back.
[766] Yeah.
[767] And that's it.
[768] And it rocks a little bit.
[769] Yes.
[770] And they sort of, and then the horse -rangling team kind of sit with you while you, they try and talk you through how you should be looking on this adult hobby horse.
[771] It was, that was a, that was a bad, that was a bad day.
[772] I didn't enjoy that day.
[773] But then you asked, could I have this, please?
[774] Yes.
[775] And they said, yes, of course, take it.
[776] We call it biscuit.
[777] If they do, it was built for sea biscuit.
[778] I like to, uh, I like riding, but it feels a little dangerous now.
[779] And so.
[780] Yes.
[781] You know what, I love it if you just went out in the country and, you know, Kerry and the family are in the, and you're just in the back.
[782] Yes, yes, pretending to gallop.
[783] Oh, I thought, this is what I genuinely wanted.
[784] I said, I would pay, if this was allowed, I would pay good money to go up and down Hollywood Boulevard in this pickup, and I'm just on the back, giving it the full.
[785] And they didn't even answer.
[786] They just looked at me. No. That's not going to, you know, we've been talking about, because I love, obviously, I love Americans.
[787] I love Perry Mason, and I love the take on it.
[788] I love that the first season was about it's the origin story, which I thought was brilliantly done.
[789] And now that that's been settled, you're off and running, which is fantastic.
[790] But I must mention your stunning cameo in Cocaine Bear.
[791] Yes.
[792] Yes.
[793] And I want to start by saying, when I read the script and then one of the first lines is Andrew Thornton, the second.
[794] So if you Google Andrew Thornton, in the second.
[795] Sure.
[796] I've already said, I've pitched this to Elizabeth Banks.
[797] I said, we have to do the prequel that leads up to that moment where he's throwing cocaine out of the plane.
[798] Because he's a fascinating story.
[799] Oh my God.
[800] He's unbelievable.
[801] But the film opens, and I don't think I'm spoiling much of anything.
[802] But I, you know, I would have, I'll go see you in anything.
[803] So did I not know that Elizabeth Banks, I'm friendly with her and I was excited to see cocaine bear and I really enjoyed it and so the whole thing was a success but if I hadn't known any of those things and I just heard that you were in this movie I'd have said well it's Matthew Reese I got to go check it out and so I would go and you work on very quickly instantly in a way that's hilarious yes but it was very strategic because I was carrying shooting in Ireland Island was being shot as Appalachia obviously and I'd been I'd been with the kids going to various aquariums for some time and I'd read the script and in passing I said who's playing that who's playing under the thought in the second she's like who's he I was like the guy the guy the beginning the whole reason for this film and she's like I don't know I'll ask back I was like text banks now see if she goes we haven't even cast it yet I said tell I'll do it I'll do it I'll do it because it would mean half a day away from the children Kerry wasn't in the scene and I knew I could get like a solid three quarters of a day on my own Yes.
[804] And that was my sole reason for doing it.
[805] And then you held out for $10 million.
[806] I did.
[807] And you got it.
[808] I got it.
[809] I got it.
[810] But I think it was worth it.
[811] I think I was worth it.
[812] And I had a lot of fun.
[813] It's the best 80 seconds of film.
[814] Of my life.
[815] That's all my real is now is that 80 seconds.
[816] We're talking about, you know, this antique motorcycle reminds me that I heard that you got yourself this boat recently.
[817] Yeah.
[818] And I love the way you got the boat.
[819] Yeah.
[820] It started, which is a deadly combination.
[821] I think were you on, were you on the internet?
[822] I was.
[823] And was drink involved?
[824] And late at night, yes.
[825] Yes.
[826] It was actually Welsh whiskey, I hasten to add, which I don't usually drink.
[827] So I count that as part of this madness befell me. But I do occasionally like to look at old boats.
[828] And I was looking and I'm a little bit of a Hemingway fan.
[829] And I saw this boat, which I knew Hemingway had a wheel of playmate.
[830] and I saw a wheel of playmate for sale on eBay, and I knew there's very few around.
[831] This boat was also called Rearbit.
[832] Now, I don't know if you know of the dish.
[833] Welsh Rearbit.
[834] She was named Rearbit in 1939, which was built in Brooklyn.
[835] And so many planets were aligning and colliding.
[836] Oh, that's a voice from beyond saying, you have to do this.
[837] Right.
[838] And that's what I told Kerry in the morning.
[839] I said, not that I have to do this, that I had done it.
[840] Reeking of alcohol.
[841] Yes, I've bought a boat.
[842] And she's like, you don't even row.
[843] I was like, oh, it's beyond rowing.
[844] Oh, we're not talking about rowing my child.
[845] No, no, no. We shall take family trips to this.
[846] So, yeah, so I embarked on this four -year odyssey of madness where I restored this.
[847] But, well, myself and the captain did, she kind of spearheaded the restoration because so many things went wrong.
[848] We started out with a shipwright who said he would do it, didn't.
[849] do it.
[850] Another one did, didn't do it.
[851] So in the end, my captain said, we'll do it.
[852] Listen, there's plenty of fucking YouTube videos.
[853] We just need to do that.
[854] We'll be fine.
[855] And that's what we did over many years.
[856] And then we passed, we passed the inspection.
[857] And now she's being chartered in New York Harbor.
[858] I am still waiting for the captain to call going, we're going down.
[859] And it's that little bit in the front that you did.
[860] You have with it.
[861] You said you patched it.
[862] I did.
[863] I didn't say with what.
[864] Yeah.
[865] So this is the bow.
[866] because I'm also a Hemingway fan and I think this is the boat that did you have this boat in Cuba?
[867] He did.
[868] Okay, and I think there's famous footage of him he would go out and fish on this boat and it had a big chair, like a big fighting chair.
[869] Fighting chair.
[870] And then he would, you know, unfortunately also drink a lot on the boat.
[871] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[872] Which just, you know, didn't help things for him.
[873] No, no. I was in Cuba, Once, I didn't get to see his house, but I was shooting something in Havana.
[874] And I was in a bar.
[875] I was shooting a travel show in, in, in, in, in Havana.
[876] How long have you been doing this travel show?
[877] It was called Conan Without Borders.
[878] It's now we're shifting into something else.
[879] We're going to give it a different day.
[880] Conan with borders.
[881] Conan with, yeah, with borders.
[882] Good, good.
[883] Responsible Cohn.
[884] Oh, good.
[885] Conan who stays within the county lines.
[886] Mental borders.
[887] Yeah, yeah.
[888] It's just me roaming around a very small portion of Los Angeles.
[889] Brilliant.
[890] Mostly in the same mall.
[891] Brilliant.
[892] But I was there and I went to a bar And I guess it was one of Hemingway's favorite bars in Havana And there's a big statue There's a life -sized statue of him at the bar So it's a life -size Hemingway in bronze That's at the bar leaning against the bar having a drink And I thought, you know, he was an alcohol Yes, I know This is strange I know that it was strange The applauding or the deifying I know Yeah, it was a little strange It was Yeah But whatever.
[893] Yes.
[894] I know.
[895] After a few drinks, I was happy to see the statue.
[896] I can have your photo taken.
[897] Yeah, exactly.
[898] Yes.
[899] Several photos.
[900] I know.
[901] I have this, I do have this strange, I have this strange relationship with Hemingway.
[902] I think it boils down to my own strange relationship with kind of possibly what I do and, and do you say machismo?
[903] Yeah.
[904] Yes.
[905] So I kind of grapple with all these things at time because sometimes I look at what I do and I go, oh, my God, this is so stupid.
[906] Or I feel at times very emasculated and they're.
[907] for.
[908] I wonder sometimes if I overcompensate by doing stupid things like this or whether I, you know, but then at the end of the day, I enjoy it.
[909] It's a boat.
[910] It's a beautiful boat.
[911] I'm all for it.
[912] I know.
[913] And I accept your invitation.
[914] Glorious.
[915] I stutter too heavily.
[916] Wow, you're a damn, I'm bad.
[917] You're not quite as good an actress I thought you were.
[918] No, no, polish isn't there, yes.
[919] I hate it.
[920] I hate it.
[921] Oh, damn it.
[922] Ask me again.
[923] There's always a second take.
[924] That's why I love soap operas is that and certain kinds of TV dramas is that an actor will clearly register displeasure but the other actor all the act you know so you'll come to me and you'll say well Conan I'll be spending the weekend with you and I'll go the weekend with me and then you'll go problem and I'll go not at all and then you're as happy as a clown or is anyone else did you blink for that length of time what happened To your brain in those four seconds.
[925] I love to do that in real life.
[926] I know, I know.
[927] But I think I'm happy that you got this boat.
[928] I think it's great.
[929] Well, then come aboard anytime you want.
[930] Oh, seriously, I will.
[931] The children don't go near it anymore.
[932] They've only done it like twice.
[933] I think it's you and me out on the ocean together.
[934] It's pretty much it.
[935] Sending out distress calls.
[936] You know, we can't have, immediately.
[937] I'll be sending out distress calls.
[938] We don't know.
[939] When it's slightly rocking.
[940] You'll say, Conan, we're fine.
[941] Why is it doing that?
[942] Why is there motion in this vehicle?
[943] Make it start.
[944] I am going to, you're a busy man, you're a busy man, you have things to do, you have worlds to conquer.
[945] I say I do.
[946] I know, but you know what?
[947] Everyone, I learned to say it.
[948] I used to say I have nowhere to go.
[949] And my time is yours.
[950] Yes.
[951] I was dead in Hollywood.
[952] So what I love is when you get the call ahead of time, Matthew Reese, he's got a lot going on.
[953] He's very busy.
[954] And so I know that if I follow you down.
[955] the lobby you're going to go across the street get a bubble tea no there's a biryani truck outside I clock that on the way in I'm no stranger to some street Indian food I you are a pure delight you're a crazy talented actor but also you are hilariously funny and it is a personal grudge of mine I when handsome talented actors are also hilariously funny it enrages me I like to say this was my consolation prize for other things so fuck you thank you fuck you thank you now there's not it's not right no there's a turn of phrase I've heard many a time and we'll happily hear again what fuck you thank you you know I always heard the Welsh were just brilliant poets yes and there you heard it right there can I hear it in Welsh Kerry Gravy yeah there you go perfectly said oh Kerry Gravy yeah I'm going to keep that one.
[956] Yes.
[957] That would come in handy.
[958] I was doing a play once off Broadway, and I was playing not a very, a very likable character.
[959] And I was, I would say, within half a block of the theatre after finishing.
[960] And a woman was walking in the opposite direction.
[961] I was walking away from this.
[962] She was coming towards me. And she just went, you're an asshole.
[963] And then I thought, oh, she's seen the play.
[964] Yeah.
[965] And then I went, hang on, she's walking in the opposite.
[966] I'm walking from the theater.
[967] She's walking the opposite direction towards it.
[968] So maybe she hasn't seen the play.
[969] and that stayed with me forever.
[970] Did you ever find out?
[971] No. And I've always wondered whether she's seen the play or not.
[972] And then you married her.
[973] And then that's when I knew.
[974] I'm so needy.
[975] That's the woman I would follow.
[976] Exactly.
[977] Is there any way I can make it up to you?
[978] It played into every insecurity I had.
[979] Well played.
[980] Matthew, good God.
[981] It's just this is the made my day.
[982] Seriously, thank you very much.
[983] Thank you for the invitation as always.
[984] Oh, my God.
[985] True joy.
[986] Yes.
[987] I will come, I will haunt you on the end of your boat.
[988] Please do.
[989] It needs a ghost.
[990] Okay, true story.
[991] The other day I walked into our wonderful offices here in Larchmont, Los Angeles.
[992] And I stroll in and I hear that our talent coordinator, Maddie Ogden, is chatting away.
[993] She's terrific, by the way.
[994] She is great.
[995] She has this amazing sense of style.
[996] She's very funny.
[997] Funny comic in her own right.
[998] She's a very funny stand -up comedian, and she also greets all the guests.
[999] When they come in, she makes them feel right at home.
[1000] She puts these baskets of food.
[1001] I encourage you, if you haven't been a guest on the show, be a guest just to meet Maddie and get the snacks.
[1002] Yeah, those are good snacks.
[1003] You do not have to be famous.
[1004] Trust me, that's the new culture.
[1005] Anyway, Maddie was talking, and she apparently had some dental surgery, and sort of they excavate the tooth a little bit.
[1006] And then if you clean it out too much, you get something called.
[1007] dry socket.
[1008] That's where literally some of the nerves, and I know this is going to freak some people out, but some of the nerves in the jaw get exposed.
[1009] And it's temporary.
[1010] It goes away.
[1011] But what you have to do is you have to put a little bit of a medication in there that numbs the pain.
[1012] So you have to literally drop this medication down into this little hole in your tooth and it numbs the pain.
[1013] And then you're fine.
[1014] Okay.
[1015] This brought back a memory, a repressed memory that I have.
[1016] Okay.
[1017] And it's a story about what an amazing man Andy Richter is.
[1018] Here's how it goes.
[1019] A number of years ago when I'm doing the late night show, back in the old days in New York and Rockefeller, I had to have this work done in my tooth and they said, we're going to finish this up later, but you should be fine.
[1020] You're going to have some pain.
[1021] So here's what you do.
[1022] Get someone on your staff to here's a little vial of liquid anesthetic.
[1023] Get someone on your staff to take these little balls of cotton, tiny and dip and soak them in this liquid anesthetic and then reach back with tweezers and here are the tweezers we're giving them to you and drop them into this part of your tooth so I go thinking how big is the hole it's like a little hole in your tooth not that big in the tooth yeah so I'm getting to it so I think oh this will be easy and so I I get to work and I think wait a minute who do I ask to do this I'm kind of looking around I'm thinking you can't ask an intern and I'm not going to ask my assistant.
[1024] This is just weird.
[1025] I don't know who to ask.
[1026] What am I going to do?
[1027] Maybe I could yell at a writer.
[1028] No, these writers, they all have, you know, they're all addicts and stuff.
[1029] They're handshake.
[1030] That's not going to work.
[1031] So, you know, I'm telling the problem to somebody and I'm saying, yeah, it's starting to hurt now.
[1032] And Andy Richter, God bless his soul, my on -air sidekick says, I'll do it.
[1033] What's the big deal?
[1034] So anyway, for about two weeks before the show, he's dressed up, he's in makeup.
[1035] I'm dressed up.
[1036] I'm in makeup.
[1037] The band's playing.
[1038] But it be, bab, da, da, bab, bab, bab.
[1039] I don't know why they did that song.
[1040] And I'm in my dressing room.
[1041] And Andy would come and go like, it's, you know, 4 .30, time to go.
[1042] And he would take out the stuff.
[1043] And he would, like an expert, he would dip the little cotton ball in there.
[1044] And then it'd go open wide.
[1045] And I'd open wide.
[1046] And I don't know why he's Roseanne.
[1047] Yeah.
[1048] And then he'd reach way back there.
[1049] And like, with the series.
[1050] with the skill of an eye surgeon, he would drop this little pellet into the hole.
[1051] This was pretty small and it would go down and land perfectly and he'd go, all right, let's go do the show.
[1052] Oh my God.
[1053] You know, did Regis ever do this for Kathy Lee?
[1054] Did Ed McMahon ever do this for Johnny Carson?
[1055] That's special.
[1056] This is special.
[1057] That's nice.
[1058] And I just thought, it just gave me this reminder that, like, I think I blocked all of that out.
[1059] Would you do for Andy?
[1060] I remember trying to push a five dollar bill into his hand when it was all over and five yeah he could have gotten him a nice gift i thought i said hey buddy go out on the town tonight it's on me and it was a five dollar bill five in new york city i know that doesn't do anything i don't know i was a child of the depression so i thought he can he can no i mean i was very depressed oh oh right but i thought he could go out on the town my mother used to do that She would send us to the store.
[1061] They were like six kids and she'd give us, you know, a quarter and say, well, if you get sodas.
[1062] Until Franklin Roosevelt, I said hi.
[1063] All right, but we used to go like, Mom, you can't get, we can't all get Cokes for a quarter.
[1064] Well, I think you can.
[1065] But anyway, I was just, I had this sense, because Maddie brought it up, I thought, that's unusual.
[1066] That's the kind of, I was lucky.
[1067] Lucky to have a real friend like Andy.
[1068] You could have returned the favor to her and put her little pellets in her mouth.
[1069] No, I think in today's climate, that would be creepy.
[1070] Yeah.
[1071] You did officiate his wedding recently, so that's nice.
[1072] No, and to be serious, to be honest, I didn't press a $5 bill into his hand.
[1073] It was $7.
[1074] Oh, that's more believable.
[1075] Crinkly old, fucked up ones, most of which were taped together.
[1076] But anyway, I just had a, this was a memory of something that I remember very clearly.
[1077] And also, what an unusual, you know, we had a, you know, a TV show that was on a network, and it's kind of a big deal.
[1078] And we have this big studio and big guests.
[1079] And no one would ever believe that if I told them that it's literally minutes before we go out there and do this show.
[1080] And Andy's saying, Conan, have a seat.
[1081] You're right, Andy.
[1082] It's time.
[1083] Open your mouth.
[1084] Dip, dip, dip, dip, squirt, sclurch.
[1085] Boms away.
[1086] I'm surprised you guys actually didn't do this on the show.
[1087] I know.
[1088] We should have done it on the show.
[1089] No, I think it's okay.
[1090] I will say this, whenever that stuff used to wear off, man, that would, you'd feel that.
[1091] That would feel that.
[1092] So, yeah.
[1093] But anyway, Andy Richter, a great man and an incredible dental technician.
[1094] Oh, he's not.
[1095] Well, he's, yeah, I think he's actually being schooled right now.
[1096] He learned.
[1097] He said, he was like, oh, this is fantastic.
[1098] You inspired him.
[1099] He's one of the best in Beverly Hills.
[1100] It's a side hustle for him.
[1101] He makes millions of dollars a year.
[1102] And that's all he does is drop little anesthetics down tiny holes.
[1103] I wish I hadn't said tiny holes.
[1104] I know.
[1105] But it happened.
[1106] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[1107] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.
[1108] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.
[1109] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1110] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1111] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1112] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1113] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1114] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
[1115] Additional production support by Mars Melnik.
[1116] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn.
[1117] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1118] Got a question for Conan?
[1119] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
[1120] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1121] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.