Q:A: Hubby On Board? Rude or Anxious Kids.

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[22] Hey, everyone.

[23] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[24] We're so thrilled you here.

[25] I think I can do a little Q &A today.

[26] The other day I did a webinar, ADHD webinar.

[27] And at the end of it, we had time for Q &A, and I really enjoyed that.

[28] So I thought we'd go ahead and do a little bit of that today with a couple of questions.

[29] Before I go on, if you're interested, and you should be, because it was really good, that webinar on ADHD, go to our website, Celebrate Calm .com.

[30] Up in the tabs, you'll see one on 8.

[31] It just says ADHD.

[32] We have a link there to that webinar.

[33] It's free.

[34] You just got to put in your email address, and it's worth it.

[35] It's really, really good.

[36] And I encourage you to do that.

[37] While you're on their website, if you want to sign up for our website, you want to sign up for a free newsletter, do that.

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[42] If you want to book us, it's a way to do that.

[43] And there's a Christmas sale.

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[48] Question.

[49] Let's go for the first question, and I like this one a lot.

[50] It's a mom.

[51] Her son's 10.

[52] He's, he kind of struggles ADHD, right?

[53] Impulse control, blurting out, all that stuff.

[54] And lately he's been getting, he's rude.

[55] He's starting to whine a little bit.

[56] He's not taking no for an answer, right?

[57] He's kind of questioning things.

[58] And he's just been rude.

[59] And mom's like, well, you know, when he's rude, I tend to get yell and I tend to get upset.

[60] How do I handle these situations?

[61] So, a couple things.

[62] Remember.

[63] Remember, the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own.

[64] You must, must, must control your tone of voice.

[65] You've got to control yourself first because I'll tell you when you control yourself first, you can see situations more clearly.

[66] And so here's where I want to go with this.

[67] And I'm going to do the ending first and I'll show you the way I want to handle this.

[68] Instead of just going right away into discipline mode, because that's what all parents do, right?

[69] Well, child's acting up.

[70] We need to discipline him.

[71] We need to give him some consequence.

[72] We need to punish him and that'll change things.

[73] You've been doing that for the past 5, 7, 8, 10, 15 years.

[74] It hasn't worked then.

[75] It's not going to work now.

[76] Your kids don't respond to consequences.

[77] So what I encourage this mom to do is let's go into problem -solving mode rather than discipline mode and see what happens.

[78] Because here's what my gut is.

[79] I don't think this issue is really about her son being rude.

[80] Is his outward behavior rude?

[81] Absolutely.

[82] It just is.

[83] But that's not the real issue.

[84] He's being rude because I think underneath this is a frustrated, overwhelmed kid who comes home from school and now he's rude and talking back because he doesn't feel in control of himself at school.

[85] So now he's trying to control every single thing he can at home.

[86] So I want to give him lots of tools to handle the school stress, right?

[87] Tools to help with anxiety and focus and attention and following through and remembering to turn in his homework.

[88] We've got all those tools.

[89] We can do that.

[90] This is what I want to focus on.

[91] Don't hear it as him being disrespectful.

[92] Hear it as a cry for help to not be so overwhelmed, right?

[93] Because just taking the tough response right now, because here's what the mom said.

[94] So when I talked to him, I said, you know, if you continue this line of arguing, then you're going to get X consequence.

[95] And I like that.

[96] It's fine.

[97] There's nothing wrong with that except in this case I don't think it's going to work because I don't think I don't think this is rational right and so I don't think in this moment that he feels like he can actually control his choices right and you've seen this when kids are getting kind of upset and we're like you know what keep doing it if you keep talking if you keep doing that here's what your consequence is going to be and then they get furious you know why because I think in some there's something that says, you know what?

[98] I can't.

[99] I'm going to mess up.

[100] So if I'm going to mess up and lose stuff, I may as well just go for it and have a big meltdown because I don't think he feels in control of himself to begin with.

[101] So instead I'm going to go with a softer approach this time and say, huh, so what's going on?

[102] Sounds like maybe you're overwhelmed.

[103] How can we solve this together?

[104] What can I do to help?

[105] And look, here's the tone.

[106] It goes very even a matter of fact, and instead of just trying to change his behavior, I'm trying to give him wisdom.

[107] When my son used to come to me with that tone, I would say, case, look, here's the deal.

[108] I hear this tone in your voice, and usually when you have that tone, it's because you're anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry.

[109] Those were his three triggers, and they still are.

[110] And so what I'm doing in that situation is saying, look, I don't like the way you're talking to me right now, but I'm not going to react to it.

[111] I'm a grown -up.

[112] I'm not going to get all upset and start yelling at you, But what it tells me is you're anxious, frustrated, or you're hungry.

[113] Something else is going on.

[114] And what I want to do is problem solve with you right now.

[115] I want to figure this out to help you because I know that you know when you talk to me like that, you just lose all your stuff.

[116] So I want you, if you can't remember this phrase of and try this, of going into problem solving mode instead of discipline mode.

[117] Because one way is just saying like, I need to punish you for doing.

[118] that.

[119] The other way says, oh, I want to help you so that you don't even feel like you need to do that anymore because you'll feel so in control of yourself.

[120] And now I've just given him tools to deal with that frustration.

[121] Hope that makes sense.

[122] And I'll share something.

[123] A mom emailed the other way day and said this.

[124] So the other day, I tried your approach with my son.

[125] Ironically, just as I was listening to you explain on the ADHD University CDs, why kids like to control friends, games, conversation, right?

[126] Your kids are like that, right?

[127] And in this day, he was being unusually controlling.

[128] And so I said to him, you know, when people try and control everything, it's usually because they feel out of control inside.

[129] Did something happen to you today that made you feel out of control?

[130] And she said, my son burst into tears and shared a situation that happened at school where he fell out of control.

[131] And after a good try, he was ready to go again.

[132] I'm so glad we didn't punish his behavior.

[133] What a waste that would have been beautiful mom very well done is this easy no but it's really really important to do because look in that situation that could have been a two or three hour you need to stop talking me like the whole thing and meltdowns everybody upset instead by changing watch this is really cool the mom in this situation didn't change the child she changed the way she viewed the child She changed the way she framed the whole situation, right?

[134] Instead of it being, I've got a rude child who's being disrespectful.

[135] Oh, no. I've got a child who's frustrated and overwhelmed.

[136] See, it takes you in two different places and you get to an entirely different outcome by changing the way you frame it and the way that you see it.

[137] I'm tempted to end the podcast right there because I think that's pretty cool.

[138] So I could, but I'm not.

[139] So, about seven minutes in.

[140] So let's keep going.

[141] I'll do one more.

[142] Here's another question.

[143] Good one.

[144] How do I get my hubby on board?

[145] Kirk, I know we need the CDs.

[146] You've described our kids.

[147] You described us and our responses to a T. I want to get them.

[148] But my husband says, we don't need any help.

[149] Shocker.

[150] So, sorry, guys, but I was the same way.

[151] Did the same thing.

[152] We don't need any help.

[153] I'll need a change.

[154] Plus, I was cheap.

[155] I didn't want to spend money on anything.

[156] Right?

[157] So, I get it.

[158] I'm a guy.

[159] a MyWare the highway guy because that's what my dad did.

[160] My dad was career military.

[161] He's fear and intimidation, right?

[162] I get it.

[163] I get it.

[164] I get it.

[165] It's really hard to do.

[166] So let me give you a few tips that may help with your husbands.

[167] And the men, if you're listening, hope some of this resonates with you.

[168] One, make it specific.

[169] Here's where we get frustrated sometimes as men.

[170] Because moms, wives, you're all into this stuff, right?

[171] You're into relationships and you're reparenting books.

[172] You do all this stuff and you're all excited about it.

[173] And then you go and tell your husband, listen, hubby, we need to change the entire way that we parent our children.

[174] And he's like, seriously, the entire, all I've ever known I have to change?

[175] And they just get overwhelmed and frustrated and then they just give up.

[176] But let's make it specific.

[177] Hubby, you're a good man. And I know you want a good relationship with your daughter.

[178] I know you want to be respected.

[179] Here are two specific things you could begin doing to achieve that.

[180] Will you try these two things just for the next week and we'll see if it changes things.

[181] See, this way you've made it very specific and you gave a very definitive time frame.

[182] Guys tend to like that, right?

[183] Changing our entire parenting approach, no idea what that means.

[184] Oh, but instead of coming in, kind of stomping through the house and barking out consequences, getting upset because their legos on the floor, you want me to come in, sit down, and actually compliment the kids on a good choice they've made.

[185] Okay, I'll try that for a week.

[186] I can do that for a week and we'll see how it goes.

[187] Number two, here's another one.

[188] Kind of a nice approach, but kind of a tough approach at the end.

[189] Hubby, I married you because you're a good man and you're filled with self -control.

[190] You've got good virtues.

[191] But the way you're interacting with our daughter is not working.

[192] If you had this result at the office, you'd have been fired.

[193] by now.

[194] At work, when things aren't going, plans aren't working, you change your strategy, you change your tactics.

[195] We need to change some things in our home because I'm not willing to stand back and watch you two destroy each other.

[196] Look for the guys out there, you've got to be honest with yourself.

[197] When we're at work and if something's not working, we're just going, okay, that's not working.

[198] Let me try something else.

[199] So be open to try another path.

[200] I know, but if I just keep going like this, I think I'll get through.

[201] No, you're not.

[202] You've been doing this for like five seven, nine, 15 years.

[203] If it hasn't worked till now, it's not going to work.

[204] Change your tactics.

[205] Third approach, I like this one.

[206] Hubby, here's how things work with girls.

[207] If you don't find a way to connect with your daughter now, when she's 14, you'll find a pimple -faced boy connecting with her in ways you don't want.

[208] So you need to grow up, humble yourself, be a man, do what's right for your daughter.

[209] You want my respect, start acting like a man. Look, I'll tell you, I'm not going to do this.

[210] the whole thing, but you've got to do this with your kids.

[211] If you don't connect with your kids, being a dad is a really, really important thing.

[212] You don't connect with your daughter.

[213] She will seek that in a teenage boy, and they will use her and take advantage of her.

[214] You don't have a close relationship with your son where your son knows you're proud of him.

[215] I guarantee you're going to be dealing with an angry kid who's looking for his father's acceptance for the rest of his life because I've struggled with that myself.

[216] You, look, look, look, you can go to so many successful people and people who are out there and you meet them in their 50s and they're still trying to prove something to their dads.

[217] So it's important, do this, dads, do this.

[218] Fourth approach, hey, hubby, you're a good man and you're a good father.

[219] But when you lose it and you can't control yourself, that undermines your authority and the kids don't respect you.

[220] See, you're beginning to lose your relationship with the kids and I know you don't want that.

[221] I know it's hard in the moment.

[222] So why don't you and I come up with a nonverbal signal that allows you to go and calm down in the midst of the tension?

[223] Then you can return to calm things down and you'd be the hero.

[224] Now, maybe in the moment, mom, wife, you touch his back, you give him a quick hug, he squeezes his hand.

[225] Or maybe you just even say an even tone, hey, hobby, listen, I could use your help.

[226] Would you mind going up to the bedroom and getting X for me?

[227] And that way your husband has a mission to do in the moment.

[228] It gives him an excuse to kind of separate for a minute, calm down, then come back into the room when he's a little bit more calm down.

[229] Fine with that approach.

[230] Do what works.

[231] Now, it's going to be a little bit tough, but this is what I finally told myself and what I would say to any guy listening.

[232] I'll just make it about myself so it doesn't hurt so hard.

[233] Hey, Kirk, you know what?

[234] You just need to grow the F up and stop blaming your kids and wife and everyone else for your issues.

[235] You tell your kids to be responsible for your actions, but you never even own yours.

[236] Man up and change yourself.

[237] That's what finally got me. So if it helps to hear that from another guy, then grow the F up.

[238] Stop blaming everybody else.

[239] Because I guarantee this with a lot of men that I've worked with.

[240] You go through your whole life, well, my kids were just this.

[241] You know, when I was a kid, tough.

[242] It's not like that anymore.

[243] It's not about your kids.

[244] I guarantee what's going to happen if you don't change is this.

[245] You will think it's everybody else's, you because your wife's like this and you know what's going to happen you're going to get divorced and then you're going to get remarried and guess what you're going to get divorced again and finally you're going to realize the problem all along wasn't everybody else it's you just need to grow up and i'm not being condescending or mean to what i tell myself look it's what i tell myself every single day when i come up with my immature stuff where i'm blaming other people just control yourself man up with this stuff it is an awesome thing because you have really cool kids I guarantee you, when you start changing, look, my son's 25, you can call him anytime.

[246] 888, 506, 1871.

[247] It's where you get hold of my son or email him.

[248] Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at CelebrateCallum .com.

[249] He will tell you he doesn't remember so many of my lectures when he was a kid, but what he remembers most was watching me change right in front of him.

[250] He watched me go from an out -of -control guy who was always kind of yelling and screaming and throwing tantrums to someone who is in control of himself, and he will tell you that is the best gift that I have ever given him was living that out.

[251] So don't be embarrassed by it.

[252] Got an email the other day, just to reinforce this.

[253] We saw you at a live seminar.

[254] My husband was resistant to even listen to your CDs because he was so my way or the highway and why should I change.

[255] But to save our family, he agreed to live.

[256] Listen, he was very surprised that he related totally to it and realized this could be what saves our family.

[257] My husband's currently listening to How to Be a Good Dad and Husband, and it requested that we get the 30 days to calm.

[258] Thanks for the wonderful material.

[259] That's cool.

[260] When I get an email like that, you know what I think right away?

[261] Bingo.

[262] That family's changing because the dad has gotten on board.

[263] He's actually asking, like he even asked for the hard CD, which is 30 days to calm, which is not about your kids at all.

[264] It's about learning how to control yourself and your own triggers.

[265] Any man, any dad who's willing to change like that and say, I'm going to do it.

[266] I'm going to change myself.

[267] I guarantee you he has just done something that's beautiful because he's changed his family tree.

[268] I don't talk about this enough in the podcast, but we're all about, look, this is what we're about, breaking generational patterns.

[269] This isn't about getting your kid to listen to you like in the next moment.

[270] it's about literally changing your family for generations to come so that they're different you get you have the opportunity to stop this the yelling the screaming whatever it is in your family the guilt trips you get to change that and this is a beautiful thing okay one more um how do we get our son to overcome his anxiety to try new things look you always always always always ask another adult to give your child a specific job especially if it's doing something meaningful, like helping somehow.

[271] Look, your kids are very good, usually connecting with either little kids, seniors, older people, adults, or animals, just not kids their own age usually.

[272] But it's a magical thing.

[273] I just got this email.

[274] Nine -year -old daughter's been taking karate for five years.

[275] She loves it, but she can't manage to transition from school to come to go back out to karate class two hours later, right?

[276] So she went in, she talked to the teacher and said, I offered, my daughter could wind -dex the mirrors, clean off the coffee table, whatever it is to get her to show up.

[277] Immediately, this guy at the karate place said, look, Sonia, could you help me teach the younger kids who are in the class ahead of yours?

[278] Because I've got this big group of students and these kids know how to do the formate, need to know how to do the formations, and you're really good at this.

[279] So could you come help?

[280] Could you help me do this?

[281] and mom said her daughter was super thrilled by his invitation and to see the smile come on her face was awesome and now she's going to be doing karate karate for a couple hours because she's going to go to the class before hers right and just think about this she goes she feels good about herself because now she's helping other little kids do this right and now she feels good about herself and then when the other kids come in and she has her own class she's going to be so built up and so confident.

[282] That's an awesome thing.

[283] So always ask other adults how to give your child a specific job to do.

[284] So covered some good ground today.

[285] I've heard you go to the website, celebrate calm .com.

[286] Look up the Christmas sale.

[287] It's fantastic.

[288] I'm not going to do a hard pitch on this, but for perspective, someone just wrote in and said this, Kirk, it's not about getting CDs.

[289] You give us insight.

[290] You give us insight and wisdom to know how to handle every single situation in a different way.

[291] And what I've found is I keep them on in the background.

[292] I've got them burned onto my iPhone.

[293] We keep them in the car.

[294] I sometimes just play them.

[295] I'm not always just listening to exactly what you say, but just having it on in the background reminds me of those little things of like control myself, problem solve instead of discipline all the time.

[296] And my kids listen and they kind of get this stuff.

[297] So it's an awesome thing.

[298] By the way, your kids can listen to those.

[299] I want them listening, especially to the strong -willed child CDs, to my sons.

[300] My son has one called Straight Talk for Kids.

[301] It's for your kids to listen to directly.

[302] And you don't have to sit there and listen with them.

[303] You can let them listen on their own.

[304] And it's my son talking to kids about how he learned how to control himself and calm himself down.

[305] So look up the Christmas sale.

[306] If you have any questions, email Casey.

[307] It's C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateCallum .com.

[308] He can help you out with that.

[309] You can call them at 888 -506 -1871.

[310] I just encourage you to do that because we are going to end that when our supplies run out.

[311] And every year, they run out a little bit early.

[312] But it's a fantastic deal.

[313] I believe it's probably, it is cheaper than a couple of therapy appointments, but you get about 30 hours worth of material there.

[314] It's really good insight.

[315] So if we can help you anyway, let us know.

[316] Thanks for investing this time in being a better parent, in learning, in controlling yourself, all these things.

[317] Thanks for let me be tough on you.

[318] I only do that because I love you and I want things to change and I want to break those generational patterns.

[319] So, thank you.

[320] Enjoy this Christmas, Hanukkah.

[321] Happy Festivist season to everybody.

[322] But anyway, I love you all.

[323] Talk to you soon.

[324] Bye -bye.