Ed Helms

[0] Hi, my name is Ed Helms.

[1] And I feel humbled about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Well, thank you.

[3] Ed, and I think you should be humbled, the man of my stature.

[4] No, I feel like as I was walking in, you just kept humbling me. Oh, yes.

[5] That's true, too.

[6] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[7] I can tell that we are going to be friends Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend Got a terrific podcast for you this fine day But of course people can listen to it whenever they like It's not like traditional broadcasting where this is the show for today You could be hearing this many years from now After I've committed horrific crimes Unless they're listening on satellite radio, then they have no choice.

[8] Yes, then they're hearing me pre -horific crimes You can only imagine what I'm up to You're just planning it right now You're in the planning stage I'm not a good planner I'd be a terrible planner as a criminal Really?

[9] I think yeah I'd be one of those criminals who Well, there's the standard thing Where you spend months casing the bank And you get all the blueprints I wouldn't do any of that No I'd just go in wing it You wouldn't have your assistant sona plan for you Well I'd ask her to And then what would happen sona?

[10] I probably would get distracted And then you'd be the day of, you'd be like, where are the plans?

[11] And I'd be like, I don't have them.

[12] I don't have them.

[13] Yeah, I got busy.

[14] Can I rob the bank with, I've always wanted to rob a bank.

[15] Well, you know, we discussed this a million times.

[16] You have stolen in the past and you'll probably steal again.

[17] No, I'm done.

[18] My stealing days are behind me. Except you want to rob a bank.

[19] Yeah, but now you're saying you'd like to rob a bank.

[20] I want to rob a bank.

[21] I want to rob a bank, or not even a bank, but like, it's kind of, fun to just take something.

[22] Oh, yeah, like from an old person who can't stop you.

[23] No, what?

[24] Oh, wait, I think I went the wrong way.

[25] Well, I'm sorry, it's so much easier than a bank.

[26] An old lady with a big purse, you just grab it.

[27] It's my purse.

[28] It has my social security money.

[29] Yeah, what are you going to do about it?

[30] Guys, I want to just quickly say that that's a terrible act.

[31] It is.

[32] That's not cool at all.

[33] Well, it depends on how much money is in the purse.

[34] If we were to rob a bank, what would our mask theme be?

[35] You know how they're like in point break.

[36] They have the ex -presidents.

[37] Supreme Court justices.

[38] Oh.

[39] Okay.

[40] So who are, current Supreme Court justices?

[41] Yes.

[42] Current Supreme Court justices.

[43] So who are we?

[44] I call Sonia.

[45] But you kind of look like her.

[46] You have similar hair.

[47] So people are going to know it's you.

[48] And the name's so similar.

[49] I'll be a Elena.

[50] No. I think you're Clarence Thomas.

[51] You're Clarence Thomas.

[52] Fuck.

[53] No. Fuck you two.

[54] No, but wait a minute.

[55] No, you have to be because it throws them off the trail.

[56] They can't know you're a woman.

[57] No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm Sonia Sotomayor.

[58] Why, fuck you.

[59] No, you're not.

[60] Yes, I am.

[61] Come on, man. And I'm, yeah, I'm Elena Kagan.

[62] Why are you guys taking the two I want?

[63] Why can't I be that?

[64] You give me Clarence Thomas?

[65] Yeah, no one's going to, look, do you want to get caught?

[66] Give me a cool one.

[67] Give me a cool one.

[68] Oh, come on.

[69] He's cool.

[70] He likes RVing.

[71] Okay, yeah.

[72] I heard he likes to drive around in his RV.

[73] Come on.

[74] pretty cool one.

[75] I'll take a cool one.

[76] You can be Alito.

[77] Yeah, you're Alito.

[78] You're very...

[79] You're very...

[80] You're brittle.

[81] You're very rigid when it comes to constitutional law.

[82] I'm going to...

[83] Oh, no, you're Kavanaugh.

[84] Oh.

[85] Kavanaugh came in with a lot of really dark frizzy hair.

[86] And seemed a little high.

[87] That's on point.

[88] And was waving a gun around.

[89] Kavanaugh came in with Sotomayor and...

[90] A very tall Sotomayor.

[91] Yeah.

[92] A 6 -foot -4 Sotomayor with a shock of red hair coming out from behind the mask.

[93] If you guys make me Kavanaugh, I'm going to sabotage this bank robbery.

[94] Listen, I like you as, like we said, I think you're a strict constructionist, or is it constructionist?

[95] I'm sorry.

[96] Oh, yes.

[97] I'm apologies.

[98] We've got to get this tree.

[99] Yeah, it's fine.

[100] If you don't want me, Kavanaugh, you can be Thomas.

[101] That's okay.

[102] Yeah.

[103] Oh, God.

[104] You guys, I don't want to do this.

[105] I don't want to rob a bank with you, too.

[106] What?

[107] I don't want to rob a bank with you, too.

[108] You two would be the worst to rob a bank with, too.

[109] Excuse me?

[110] I don't know.

[111] You'd be like, excuse me. Is it okay when you robbed you?

[112] Is that because I just said excuse me that you're saying?

[113] You're too polite.

[114] I can't see you guys busting in being like, ah.

[115] It's good to ask permission beforehand.

[116] Yeah.

[117] I think it would also be a problem that I would want some credit for having done it.

[118] So I'd probably take the mask off at some point, get a plug in for the podcast.

[119] Oh, no. Take a couple of selfies with people.

[120] And what are our roles?

[121] Who's driving getaway?

[122] Who's Safecracker?

[123] Who's leader?

[124] I'm going to say Sona would be a great getaway driver because you are fast and reckless and you just go for broke.

[125] And your cars often aren't like, there are cars that we can just scrub, you know?

[126] We can just set them on fire and walk away.

[127] And it's not a huge loss.

[128] You know what I mean?

[129] It's just like some old beat up Jetta and then whatever.

[130] You torch it and you move on.

[131] I drive a minivan now, so...

[132] Oh, I haven't seen the minivan.

[133] Oh, my God.

[134] It's a whole new world.

[135] Okay, so we're all dressed as various controversial Supreme Court justices and we're robbing a bank in a minivan.

[136] Yeah, and I can't take, I don't want to take the car seats out.

[137] So you guys have to be in the back third.

[138] No, no, no. I'm sitting in like Mikey's car seat.

[139] Yeah, I'm in Charlie's.

[140] And you guys go rushing in and you're in Charlize.

[141] And Sonny goes, she pulls up, she rushes in to rob the bank and you and I can't unstrap ourselves.

[142] So our legs are kicking wild.

[143] as Supreme Court justices, ladies' Supreme Court justices, we hear the alarm go off, Sona comes running out with the cash, we're still wiggling.

[144] Just eating rice puffs.

[145] We're eating rice puffs and throwing the crumbs around.

[146] The juice box isn't.

[147] Why do you guys turn in to be?

[148] For reasons I don't understand, I shit myself.

[149] And not even out of fear.

[150] I just, because I just was like, ah, it's 3 o 'clock.

[151] It's time, blart.

[152] And then you have to get in the car and suddenly, you forget that we're not Mikey and Charlie and you start yelling at us and we scream until you put on a DVD of Moana yeah wait so I just robbed the bank myself while you two are pooping yourself but then later on when we're dividing up the money we insist that we each get our third and we're real like we're all in this together you guys you never got out of your baby seats Conan you pooped yourself and then I had to play a Moana CD while you guys ate rice puffs and you yeah we want our money even split rules or rules we're either in this together or we're not all right stick them up all right well my guest today played Andy on the hit NBC series The Office also starred in the hangover trilogy he now hosts a fantastic new podcast snafu available wherever you get your podcasts I'm delighted this gentleman has joined us today.

[153] Thrilled he's here.

[154] Ed Helms.

[155] Welcome.

[156] I want people to picture this.

[157] Right now, my chair is 17 feet higher than Ed's.

[158] It's a request.

[159] It's my request.

[160] And I'm lying on my back for some reason, staring up.

[161] And it's very awkward.

[162] I'm dressed like a wizard.

[163] So these are all things that I enjoy.

[164] It's kind of like the, it's like the, it's like the, how an eight -year -old would imagine a power play yeah yeah that's right that's right i work on an an eighth eight -year -old level really nice to have you here um thrilled to be here i'm wish you'd put a little more into that thrilled to be here you know we were just chatting seconds before uh we were going to roll on the podcast and we realized well we should include this in the story but uh you famously depicted a gentleman named Andy Bernard.

[165] And then I realized, oh, I knew the real Andy Bernard because Greg Daniels, who created the American office, we remain friends to this day.

[166] He likes to take walks.

[167] He tires quickly.

[168] So I always bring a wheelbarrow, sure.

[169] And he can just lie in it and he eats marshmallows.

[170] And I continue pushing us both because I'm so strong.

[171] But that's neither here no there.

[172] Greg named, had a good friend named Andy Bernard, so he named your character, Andy Bernard.

[173] And I was in the same dorm as Andy Bernard freshman year of college, same entryway.

[174] I remembered he stuck out to me, very nice, very nice person.

[175] But I think he was the first person who I saw had a computer on his desk.

[176] It was an Apple computer, whatever they would have had in 1980.

[177] Probably a 2E.

[178] Yeah, 2E.

[179] Yeah, 2E.

[180] Yeah.

[181] Yeah.

[182] Well, that was the first computer in my house.

[183] Me too, at school, yeah.

[184] Well, it's funny to me because I didn't think much about it at the time.

[185] I just thought, oh, that's, wow, look at that thing.

[186] That's cool.

[187] I had a, I think it was called a Selectric typewriter that had it took a cartridge.

[188] What do you mean?

[189] It's what we had.

[190] It's what I had in high school.

[191] And when it was time to go to college, there was no, I'm getting a computer.

[192] But what kind of, what do you mean?

[193] It had a cartridge.

[194] It had a cartridge that you, what happened was, instead of, Instead of a ribbon, you slid a cartridge into the side that was the ribbon, you typed away on it.

[195] Then when you made a mistake, you ejected that cartridge, and you put a different cartridge in that had white out on it.

[196] And you rewrote it.

[197] Then you ejected that cartridge.

[198] It was a...

[199] So much work.

[200] It was a shit brown computer and electric and...

[201] Typewriter.

[202] I'm sorry.

[203] Damn it.

[204] I called it to computer.

[205] Oh, that's so sad.

[206] To you, it's so cute.

[207] I used to tell, I used to bring women up to the room and go, would you like to see my computer?

[208] Click, click, click, clack, click, clack, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, chiching.

[209] Now, question about, just this is a technical question about your typewriter.

[210] So I remember when typewriters went from the little, the little, like, metal things that would thwap the paper, right?

[211] And there was like this major evolutionary step to where it was a little ball.

[212] It was a ball.

[213] Okay, I'll tell you exactly what.

[214] I did not have the ball.

[215] It had the metal things that shot up.

[216] It was electric powered, but the thwappers.

[217] The thwappers.

[218] If we're going to get technical, they were the thwappers.

[219] My computer had thwappers.

[220] Anyone just tuning in, very confused.

[221] And anyone under 40, very confused at this point.

[222] But it is this generation gap because then, flash forward to Greg and I, a couple of years later, going out to Los Angeles and working on a show called not necessarily the news.

[223] We had IBM.

[224] I loved that show.

[225] Oh, great.

[226] Okay.

[227] Well, we, that was our first.

[228] We cut our teeth on that job.

[229] We were 22.

[230] We got this job writing gags for that show.

[231] And those were the electric typewriters that had the little ball.

[232] And we were on those.

[233] Then we went to Saturday Night Live and went back in time.

[234] They didn't, there wasn't, there weren't typewriters or computers.

[235] 1988.

[236] There were legal pads.

[237] No. Everyone wrote on legal pads and then we submitted our scripts to a steno pool.

[238] Oh my God.

[239] Oh my God.

[240] And they would keep, they would come to us.

[241] I had, they liked me because I have a very precise handwriting.

[242] And so does Greg Daniels.

[243] Robert Smigel, Odenkirk, I think less so.

[244] Robert would scrawl.

[245] And so they would come up to us and we would work together on sketches.

[246] And they would find me in the hall and go, what is this?

[247] And I'd say, oh, that says decapitate.

[248] Right.

[249] You're translating smigels.

[250] Yes, scribbles and scrawls.

[251] But anyway, it's so fascinating to me now that when I talk to my kids, I sound like a guy that listened to Franklin Roosevelt on a curved top radio.

[252] Well, you did say the words stenopool.

[253] To me, that takes, like, that just, yeah, that's, like, you were, like, was everything black and white?

[254] Oh, do you want a minute?

[255] No one of anything?

[256] We did not, long after there were color televisions, we had a black and white TV.

[257] My father thought it was a waste of money.

[258] So we had a black and white TV until 1977, Which, when you think about it, that's a long time.

[259] There are color TVs available everywhere in like 1963, 64.

[260] Earlier, actually.

[261] And a lot of people had them.

[262] So I was watching Star Trek.

[263] I was watching all these shows.

[264] And I had no idea that the uniforms were different colors.

[265] I thought it was all just a, well, it was a very depressed starship.

[266] And they were all wearing these different grays.

[267] And then we went to our, I went to a friend's house.

[268] When Star Trek came on and my eyeballs exploded because Kurt's shirt is like a bright, vibrant yellow.

[269] Yeah.

[270] Yeah.

[271] And I had no idea.

[272] The rods and cones in your eyeballs were just like going off.

[273] Yeah.

[274] They were so excited.

[275] They were so excited.

[276] It was just so much.

[277] It was my first orgasm.

[278] I was standing there looking at a color.

[279] It was.

[280] You were at your friend's house?

[281] I was at my friend's house.

[282] Can we call it an eyegasm?

[283] I mean, I'm a dad.

[284] How about an eyegazin that led to an orgasm?

[285] I'm going to make a dad joke.

[286] Yeah.

[287] So anyway, it's just funny that I'm amazed now because my experience of college was when they would say it's got to be a 10 -page paper.

[288] I was, there was fear, am I going to get to the 10th page?

[289] You didn't know until you were done.

[290] And if you finished at 8, you'd then say, yes, so what have we lived?

[291] learned here.

[292] you start recap it.

[293] You start recap it.

[294] And so I repeat.

[295] Thoreau, when you went to Walden Pond, and it was just bullshit for two pages to get there because you didn't know.

[296] And so, yeah, these kids today, these punk kids today, you, of course, you're much younger than I and grew up with all the best technology and I resent you for it.

[297] Yeah, no, I had a hoverboard as a kid.

[298] I grew up.

[299] Jetpack.

[300] Yeah.

[301] Jetbacks, flying cars.

[302] My dad's a robot.

[303] But a kindly robot.

[304] No, it's funny.

[305] You were saying how your dad held out on the color TV because it's sort of like an indulgence to have.

[306] Why?

[307] Who needs a color in your television?

[308] My dad was, my dad took watching television so seriously that we were ahead of the curve on.

[309] Like we had a big.

[310] TV in our in our basement and we were like very early adopters of cable television that's how and so I was watching HBO as a little kid that's how not what years was not necessarily the news well I don't know when it begins but I want to say it probably started in maybe 83 or 84 I think Greg and I show up in 85 we show up in late August of 85 and this is back when if I wanted to mean I don't think my parents had HBO.

[311] No, it didn't work on black and white TV.

[312] Yeah, I think you have to check into, and also, you'd have to like check into a motel to watch my show.

[313] And that's such a deep cut.

[314] I love that.

[315] The name is Smith.

[316] Well, because every hotel had to sign HBO.

[317] Like, we have HBO, right?

[318] That was like on all, you drive by all the motels and hotels.

[319] You know what's a nice throw, one of them, I love the movie, No Country for Old Men.

[320] And there's such a great, because that movie takes place around 1980, and there's such a great moment where Josh Brolin's character is thinking about hiding out in this one motel, and it says out front, we've got HBO, exclamation point, and it just makes me very happy because that's what HBO meant to me. That's what you watched when you checked into a hotel.

[321] And how many years were you guys on that?

[322] I think we were there from 85 through maybe 87.

[323] Then we had a period of unemployment.

[324] They shrank the staff.

[325] They liked us, but we were new hires, and so we didn't make the cut.

[326] And we were, Greg got a job doing SAT prep for kids.

[327] And I got a job at Wilson's House of Swade and Leather.

[328] And I put that place on the map.

[329] Wilson's House of Swade and Leather?

[330] Yeah, yeah.

[331] Is Wilson as swarthy and misogynistic as he sounds?

[332] Oh, Wilson.

[333] He doesn't disappoint.

[334] Well, it was a chain, so I don't know who Wilson was, but it was, uh, I worked there.

[335] Reinking of cigar smoke and right guard.

[336] Yeah, his skin is leather.

[337] His face is fine Corinthian leather.

[338] Wow.

[339] That's it.

[340] Yeah.

[341] So, but we've talked enough about me. I think we should start to talk about you, but then talk more about me. Great.

[342] I do, I have endless questions about the not necessarily the news days.

[343] And on the Andy Bernard tip, too, since we started there, I'll just say, I always knew, Greg always told me that he named the character after his friend.

[344] And I, as the, you know, as the show went on and Andy Bernard was a pretty toxic fellow, you know, I adored Andy Bernard and tried to like imbue him with a lot of pathos and humanity despite, you know, yeah, some toxic.

[345] inclinations and but I I often would think like Greg this is kind of a kind of a dick move like is he really your friend this Andy Bernard or are you is this your way of sort of like taking out some frustrations with him and I think I he may have come to set one time or maybe I just remember Greg showing me a picture of him on set and I just remember seeing a picture of this very sweet looking guy in like he couldn't be a nice And like an L .L. Bean parka or something on a hike.

[346] And I just was like, what, what are you doing to this poor man?

[347] Greg also had a friend named Dwight Shrewt in college.

[348] Brutal.

[349] And he called Ricky Jervais.

[350] Yeah.

[351] Yeah, Ricky met him briefly and stole it first.

[352] So would you describe yourself as a nerd when you were growing up?

[353] I would happily put myself in that category.

[354] Yeah.

[355] I got glasses in the second grade.

[356] Oh, my God.

[357] And I went to the same school from pre -first through 12th grade.

[358] And so once you get glasses in that kind of situation, like you're locked in.

[359] You're a nerd.

[360] And you don't have a say in the matter.

[361] It doesn't, it's not a reflection of your behavior or like I was still very athletic, whatever.

[362] But I had glasses from second grade on.

[363] and I never changed my peer group.

[364] You know, I was always jealous of the kids that would come in from other schools because I would be like, no one knows your history.

[365] What if you were a nerd at your school?

[366] Now everyone thinks you're cool.

[367] You're like a shiny new object.

[368] And I never really got that opportunity.

[369] So yes, I was a nerd.

[370] The chance to reinvent yourself, which is everyone's dream at that time period.

[371] I was lucky because I would switch every couple of years.

[372] My old man would have to move on when the credit ran out.

[373] Just running from HBO Hotel to HBO Hotel.

[374] The occasional Showtime Hotel.

[375] Get out of here.

[376] We don't have HBO.

[377] We got showtime.

[378] But anyway, so I was able to try and reinvent, but never did.

[379] Yeah.

[380] Always quickly reverted to form.

[381] Yeah.

[382] So you had glasses, and what were your interests?

[383] Were you musical back things?

[384] You're quite an accomplished musician.

[385] Were you musical back then?

[386] Yeah, I started doing, I started taking piano lessons when, I think I was probably eight or so.

[387] And I also, and the funny thing is my sister had taken piano lessons.

[388] And so I, I, and she's older than me. So I grew up with her practicing piano.

[389] And so that just was a very normalized thing.

[390] And I just, and I wound up begging my parents for piano lessons.

[391] And so that's when I started.

[392] I got my first guitar as a Christmas present.

[393] I think I was 13 or 14.

[394] Do you remember what guitar it was?

[395] Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

[396] I still have it.

[397] It's a Gibson Nouveau.

[398] And I just was blown away by this thing.

[399] It was so shiny and it just smelled good.

[400] There's something about, I feel like real guitar nerds are obsessed with how their guitars smell, particularly acoustic guitars, because the inside, like, if you put your nose up to that hole, what?

[401] That sounds terrible.

[402] No, no one's going to, no one's going to take.

[403] No one's going to take that out of context.

[404] So you get your nose right up to the hole.

[405] Yeah, right up in that hole.

[406] Oh, my God, there's nothing like it.

[407] And there's a G string there, right?

[408] Oh, God, there's a G string.

[409] You got to push that out of the way.

[410] I have both, you disappointed me, and I have new respect for you, both, Matt, right now.

[411] I live most comfortably.

[412] Yeah, in equal measure.

[413] My introduction to the banjo was kind of interesting.

[414] I loved bluegrass music already, and I was kind of.

[415] of a big fan and i always wanted to play a banjo but it was this sort of exotic thing that i that i just didn't have access to i didn't know anyone who had a banjo i didn't and then all of a sudden my high school wanted to do a production of this uh kind of obscure musical called the cotton patch gospel which is uh a gospel story but as a bluegrass musical and it's a comedy it's really pretty pretty brilliant and the songs are all written by harry chappen and they were like, we do we want to do it, but nobody plays the banjo.

[416] And I was like, give me two months.

[417] And I'll learn these songs.

[418] I'm picturing you, too, whipping your glasses off.

[419] Give me two months.

[420] You've got another pair of glasses underneath.

[421] Yeah.

[422] And, uh, give me two months.

[423] I'll wearing that banjo.

[424] And my, so yeah, my, my, my, my guitar teacher at the time was also a banjo teacher.

[425] He, he, one of his students was a collector and, and loaned me one.

[426] And, and we just got to work, you know, started woodshedding on these tunes.

[427] And I didn't learn them well, but I learned them well enough.

[428] And it was like a drug.

[429] I just loved playing that, the banjo.

[430] It's interesting because my first guitar was a Yamaha acoustic that I still have.

[431] And it's fantastic.

[432] They're great.

[433] Can I ask you something?

[434] How did the whole smell?

[435] Oh, jeez.

[436] Well, I'm glad you.

[437] How did that Yamaha's whole smell?

[438] From one guitar nerd to another Well, I'll just tell you then I would always sprinkle nutmeg into the hole And you can take that any way you want Okay I'd like to not take it anyway It goes for all holes I'm taking it in like the butthole way Oh no no no no no no I put vanilla up there Nutmeg is for the instrument That feels like it would burn I don't know it's vanilla extract Or like a vanilla ice cream I meant the extract Yeah, because that's, that's, yeah.

[439] It's pure alcohol.

[440] Yeah, that's a chemical.

[441] Okay.

[442] The hard part is finding someone who will apply it.

[443] That's the tricky part.

[444] I often will try and pay a pastry chef to do it.

[445] And they're like, I'm not into this.

[446] Well, I pay them very well.

[447] Why did we get on this?

[448] I don't know.

[449] But I do, I could go down the nerdy guitar stuff for days.

[450] Yeah, I have to be.

[451] Like my favorite stuff.

[452] I have to be careful.

[453] There have been several times on this podcast where guitars come up, and then if it's between that and vanilla up your butt let's go with guitars okay feel free i like vanilla up the butt i'm sorry i love guitars but what are you talking what are you talking you want to talk about that as a as a topic you just said you just said i really love vanilla at the butt you've got children so you have two babies at home my god this is something your kids are going to be teased about in the school yard no come Come on.

[454] All right.

[455] I'm done.

[456] Yeah, my.

[457] Lach finella.

[458] Well, this is all Ed Helms' fault.

[459] Yeah.

[460] A dirty, dirty comic, Ed Helms.

[461] I wanted to get the one and only clean interview with Ed Helms.

[462] It's hard.

[463] I won't let you do it.

[464] I'll just always drag you down.

[465] We have other things in common, which will drive our listeners even more insane.

[466] We're both history buffs.

[467] And then when you get into the Civil War, I can get a little intent.

[468] Was that a passion when you were young?

[469] I grew up in Atlanta and it's just kind of around you a lot.

[470] When you grew up in a place like Atlanta, there were so many markers and we would literally find musket balls like in the yard or like weird artifacts here and there.

[471] And yeah, battles all over the place.

[472] And my dad had a whole shelf of books on Civil War history.

[473] Most history about conflict, about wars was so abstract.

[474] But for some reason, the Civil War being in the South, it was like I could read about places that I knew, like places that I had visited or places that, where I had like gone to summer camp or different.

[475] And these battles were just wild.

[476] And it's just, you know, as I got older and understood the context more, like it's, it's such a profoundly tragic war on so many, so many levels.

[477] Yes.

[478] Well, also at the time, especially, no one had ever seen a war like that before.

[479] I mean, Europeans, you know, people from Britain and France were coming over just to observe because...

[480] Is that true?

[481] Oh, yeah, they were, because war on this scale using what at the time was this new technology, relatively new technology, you know, things had become so sophisticated and there were ironclads and, you know, massive...

[482] shells are being invented and the armies are huge.

[483] The armies are just massive.

[484] The army of Northern Virginia's huge.

[485] The Northern Army is massive.

[486] Nothing like that had happened before.

[487] I don't know.

[488] Maybe you and I just have like an antenna for it.

[489] Okay.

[490] So when does comedy enter the picture for you?

[491] So real early and I have to say like not necessarily the news was pretty formative for me. It doesn't get referenced very much.

[492] But like I don't hear people talk about it that much, even comedy nerds, but, like, Rich Halls, Sniglitz was just a legendary thing to me, and I'll never forget certain words like Cheetle.

[493] Do we know what that is?

[494] It's the orange film that gets on your fingers from eating Cheetos.

[495] Oh, wow.

[496] I remember one, which is, because he would always say, I guess he would say the definition first.

[497] Yeah.

[498] And so he said, well, he would, he would oftentimes, like, film the thing.

[499] He would film the thing.

[500] He would film the thing, And he went, you know that phenomenon where you've got to wait at a light to take a right -hand turn.

[501] But instead, what you can do is if there's a gas station on that corner, you can drive into the gas station and then drive out the other side and take the right and essentially just cheat that way.

[502] Sure.

[503] And so he said, anyone who cuts through a gas station to avoid taking the right -hand turn is an S -O -ass -O.

[504] I remember that one.

[505] S -O -ass -all, yeah.

[506] Is there a sniglip for people who like to smell their guitar holes?

[507] Rich, if you're out there, get back to us.

[508] Yeah, Rich is going to hear this.

[509] Well, he'd be in a different time zone, but he'll get back to us on that.

[510] Not necessarily the news was definitely an early influence for me. And then, of course, Saturday Night Live.

[511] I mean, that's, I think, I feel like most, so many comics just start with a, with a connection to that show.

[512] And I was, like I said, I was probably 10 years old.

[513] So I really don't think I got a lot of it.

[514] But what I remember responding to, and I really got hooked, there was something like when Eddie Murphy just got on the stage and had that entire studio in the palm of his hand, I just, I just want that.

[515] I want to be a part of that.

[516] I want to somehow attach to that.

[517] And for decades, I had recurring dreams about Saturday Night Live.

[518] And these were all these just weird, and I didn't even compute that this was a recurring dream until I got to New York City to do comedy and was like chasing a Saturday night live audition among others.

[519] And I suddenly, I just remember this moment of being like, oh my God, I'm obsessed.

[520] Like, I've been, like, I've been dreaming about this for years.

[521] Yeah, yeah.

[522] And literally dreaming, you know, like having these weird dreams, yeah, it was something that was inside of me and I had.

[523] I just loved, loved it.

[524] Did you get an audition at SNO?

[525] I didn't.

[526] So I was, I decided I was going to do like, you know, the Adam Sandler, Jimmy Fallon kind of like New York stand -up pathway.

[527] That was like going to be my way in.

[528] And I really was at like, I'll be a writer.

[529] I want to be on the show, but I'd be so psyched to just be a writer.

[530] And then as I got to New York and I was just cultivating everything I could and doing as much stand up as I could.

[531] And I also became obsessed with The Daily Show at that time, like right after college was when John Stewart took over.

[532] And I liked it during Craig Kilbourne's run, too.

[533] I thought he was really special.

[534] But then John just, like, did something completely surprising and amazing.

[535] And I was like watching every night, like, okay, this.

[536] It's Saturday Night Live or this.

[537] Right.

[538] And I wound up getting to a point where all my peers were getting auditions.

[539] And I was just, and I was, it was starting to feel possible.

[540] like, oh, I'm in, I'm in the right place.

[541] Like, I'm surrounded by people who are really kind of like doing cool stuff and it's really exciting and it was incredibly exciting and fraught time.

[542] Yeah, I mean, to me, I guess I might be wrong about this, but I'm pretty sure there's no afterlife.

[543] No, I'm sorry, that's not those.

[544] Oh, Jesus.

[545] Sorry, I just wanted to, I just went off to dark road here.

[546] No, I'm pretty sure that if I was starting out today, I'd get nowhere.

[547] Yeah, I do too.

[548] I honestly, I have that same thought.

[549] I'd be working at a guitar store telling people to smell the hole.

[550] Yeah.

[551] I would just be, I would just be panicking.

[552] Like, do I do Instagram?

[553] Do I do this?

[554] Do I do that?

[555] Like, what is the right?

[556] Like, in 2001, it was like, you go to UCB or you go to stand -up or you do both like I did.

[557] and you start auditioning.

[558] You get your career on track.

[559] It's going really well, daily show.

[560] And then I would think to be at the epicenter of something like The Hangover, when that hits, did that affect you in any way?

[561] I mean, obviously, it's a great thing for your career, but how did you, you're such a solid seeming person.

[562] And you're such a, you're, I mean, you do seem like, someone who would not be buffeted by the winds of attention and fame, but that that hangarer film came out.

[563] I don't know how you, did you spend just one weekend going insane?

[564] It was a tornado of fame and, yeah, yeah, a lot of buffeting.

[565] It was very overwhelming.

[566] But I also, I feel very lucky on that as well because I had my, my public person, Sona had risen gradually and we had like when I was on basic cable on the Daily show, we had what Colbert liked to call toy fame, which is like, you can still walk around and do anything and you don't get really recognized very often, but occasionally you do.

[567] And someone at the airport who works at like Einstein Bagels will be like, this one's on the house.

[568] That's like toy fame.

[569] And then then I got on the office and I was on the office for a couple of years before the hangover.

[570] And that was another ratchet up, because that's network television.

[571] And I was definitely getting recognized a lot more.

[572] And Andy had weird catchphrases, which, of course, ups the ante with public recognition.

[573] People shouting things at you.

[574] Big tuna.

[575] Yeah, exactly.

[576] Right.

[577] At baggage claim, just people shouting that.

[578] And that still happens quite regularly.

[579] But so I had, I had a little bit of, I had some skills set, I guess, and just didn't sort of dealing with that.

[580] But then the hangover was a whole new level.

[581] Like when the hangover came out, it was so exciting.

[582] And another way in which I was lucky on that one, lucky in 10 million ways on that movie.

[583] But Bradley and Zach and I were all kind of at the same level before that.

[584] And so we were going through it together.

[585] together and I really like if it wasn't for those guys I don't think I would have stayed sane but we all had each other to kind of be like I don't know just to commiserate and and measure ourselves and just be like okay who's being and I think we kept each other from every we all worked really hard on those movies and I don't know we kind of kept each other from drifting too far right and being too unprofessional like like it was something about like I don't know.

[586] It wasn't a spoken thing.

[587] It wasn't like we held each other accountable by yelling at each other or anything.

[588] But it was like if somebody was out of line, or got, you know, a little too big for their britches, you could feel it on the set and everyone would just sort of like settle back in.

[589] Course correct.

[590] Of course correct.

[591] Exactly.

[592] And it was from a deep place of like, we've been, we're going through this thing together.

[593] Like a bond.

[594] It was such a unique experience.

[595] And I look back on it.

[596] and wish, and it's a classic thing of like, I wish I knew more, I wish I could go through it again with what I know now.

[597] Because I don't think I, I really was reeling a lot of the time.

[598] Like in the aftermath of the hangover, just kind of like, like how I was handling my, I was getting scripts for all these different kinds of projects.

[599] Like, what do I do?

[600] I don't know.

[601] I was kind of spinning out and panicking about different things.

[602] like, what kind of a career do you want?

[603] I don't, I don't, I don't just want to do comedies, right?

[604] Well, I don't know.

[605] This is a pretty killer drama coming your way and just all these weird conversations with agents and reps and trying to figure out.

[606] Right.

[607] I definitely felt a lot of anxiety and like identity kind of just turmoil.

[608] And I will say one of the craziest things about a massive jump into fame like that is.

[609] And this is what I think people who have never dealt with that or been close to it.

[610] but just can't understand is the just total loss of control of your environment.

[611] So when you are a famous person, you can't just can't stand at baggage claim and have expected to be normal.

[612] And so you, a lot of times, you can, there are a lot of ways to approach that.

[613] You can get very fearful and try to like hide in the bathroom until you see your luggage come out on the carousel and then run out and grab it and run away.

[614] Or, you know, hire lots of people to do all these things.

[615] for you or you know which i and i think the best thing is to just kind of like accept the fluid nature of these situations and and except that the stakes really are never quite as high as you think they are kind of in your mind i and just roll roll with it and that was that's been a very positive i think lesson beyond the even the fame question it was just like in an approach to life is just being that kind of like the river, like just flowing in those situations.

[616] Well, I agree completely.

[617] You are amen, I say to you, because it's not Taylor Swift's fault that she can't go into a Chucky Cheese.

[618] And I just know that that's what she wants to do because we're friends.

[619] No, no, she can't because she's Taylor.

[620] There are people in that realm.

[621] And then I think...

[622] She's banned from Chuckie cheese.

[623] Oh, because it's some very, very, very salty language she is there.

[624] Well, she and Chuckie have a bad.

[625] After those songs are bad history.

[626] She wrote lots of songs about Chuckie doing her wrong.

[627] The guy's a rat.

[628] He is.

[629] He's literally as a rat.

[630] But, but no, I think...

[631] So I do have sympathy for people like that.

[632] But I know that at my, you know, lower level, level.

[633] I know that when people see me and they go, hey, Conan, I go, hey, how are you?

[634] And they go, like, oh, and they say something nice about, I like the podcast or, you know, thanks for the laughs.

[635] They go, what's your name?

[636] And they'll go like, oh, Steve.

[637] And I go like, Steve, thanks.

[638] I appreciate, you know, you make it normal and then they're fine.

[639] That's all they want.

[640] Right.

[641] You know, they don't, but you're right.

[642] I think it's, I think it's about control, like control makes us feel safe.

[643] And, and yet we can, you actually, if you can relinquish control truly, and you, you will be, feel so much more free and safe.

[644] And that's, it's incredibly difficult thing to do when, you know, you're going from an unknown person to a very, very well -known person literally changes reality.

[645] Like, it changes how the world responds to you.

[646] And I always thought it was funny, like, people would be like, you know, when you get famous, they're like, don't go changing.

[647] And you're like, well, kind of everyone else is changing in how they're interacting with me. Right.

[648] So how can you even tell?

[649] Like, am I the same?

[650] Are they is everyone, like people that I've known for 20 years are suddenly nervous around me or like, you know, acting weird.

[651] And, and you can't tell them don't go changing.

[652] What's different?

[653] It's so hard to parse and figure out.

[654] But I do, I got to a point where I realized.

[655] like it's my desire to control this that's driving me nuts the once i relaxed into it and and settled into it more and like you said just being sort of gentle and genuine with people for the most part as long as their energy is nice then it just goes fine yeah it really goes okay i mean i often i'm at the stage now where i have to tell people who i am yeah and try and get them to try and get them to approach you just go to the baggage carousel even when you're not flying.

[656] Oh, I spent a lot of time at the baggage carousel, and I haven't flown in quite a while.

[657] I was at LAX.

[658] And I hold a sign that says Conan O 'Brien.

[659] Well, no, I actually saw you at L .A .X the other day yelling at someone to leave you alone.

[660] And he was walking away from you.

[661] Yeah.

[662] And I said, leave me alone.

[663] I'm Conan O 'Brien, and I want my privacy.

[664] Yeah.

[665] And he just was run, he ran to his cars.

[666] Yeah.

[667] It was very weird.

[668] No, no, it's, that's become its own problem.

[669] I've created my own negative energy by trying to force it too much.

[670] And that was your son?

[671] okay you went too far your improv add -on was just insane my father wait I have to rewind there's a little bit of my comedy backstory that is that I have to tell which was a lot of people that my age filtered through your show either as like cast you know through UCB or internships and I did not but I really tried my damnedest.

[672] And I wound up getting an interview with Cecile.

[673] Is that?

[674] Yeah.

[675] Was that?

[676] Did she run interns?

[677] I think she did for a while.

[678] It's been a while.

[679] I know before my tie beds.

[680] Yeah.

[681] So Cecilia Pleva was.

[682] She was our casting director.

[683] Nicole Savini was and Cecilia Pliva also played Cameltoe Annie.

[684] Yeah.

[685] A character named Cameltoe Annie who had her own dance and a song and she would run out and she was great, great at her job.

[686] And then we were like, are you going to be willing to put on this prosthetic and really tight pants?

[687] You don't need me to describe what Camel Toe Annie would look like.

[688] It's kind of in the name, sure.

[689] Yeah.

[690] Yeah, I think it is.

[691] And anyway, she would run out and do this wild, hip grinding dance while the song Camel Toe Annie would play.

[692] And so a shout out to her because she was great and a true warrior.

[693] I think I interviewed with her for an internship.

[694] Yeah.

[695] And Because I had, when I was a sophomore in college, I cold called NBC human resources.

[696] I literally called, I called information and got NBC and I said, can I have human resources?

[697] And then I said, I'm looking for an internship.

[698] And they said, well, when's your spring break?

[699] Can you come in for an interview?

[700] And I came to 30 Rock.

[701] Literally from a cold call, I got into 30 Rock for an interview.

[702] And they said, okay, well, you seem like a nice kid.

[703] Where do you want to work?

[704] and I said Conan O 'Brien.

[705] Or Saturday Night Live.

[706] I want to work at Saturday Night Live.

[707] Well, wait a minute.

[708] You said Conan O 'Brien.

[709] They said, but why'd you have to edit it?

[710] Okay.

[711] Make sure, Gwreli, that you cut out the Saturday Night Live.

[712] Yeah, right.

[713] No, but they said you can't, they said, well, the Saturday Night Live internships are only, you know, fall and spring semesters.

[714] So which one of those can you do?

[715] And I said, I can't, what are you fucking kidding me?

[716] I go to school.

[717] I can't, in Ohio.

[718] I can't go to.

[719] If you use that language, that's probably what you did.

[720] And then I was very angry.

[721] And so I said, well, what else can I do?

[722] They said, well, Conan is year -round, so you could do that in the summer.

[723] And I said, yes, that'd be amazing.

[724] And I went, she sent me right down to an interview with Cecilia, had a great chat.

[725] And then I went back up and they said, well, while you're here, why don't we send you to some other places?

[726] So I went down to Channel 4, which was on your floor.

[727] Right across the hall.

[728] Yeah, WNBC, which is the New York City local NBC affiliate flagship station.

[729] I interview there in their press and public.

[730] Publicity Department.

[731] And the woman there says, well, it feels like we got a great fit.

[732] You got the job.

[733] And I was like, oh, okay, great.

[734] Amazing.

[735] But I also had this little pit in my stomach.

[736] Like, I think my interview with late night went well.

[737] I will just, I don't know.

[738] I guess I have to take this.

[739] So I went back to school.

[740] Like a week later, Cecilia calls me on my dorm phone.

[741] And she's like, hey, great news.

[742] We'd love to bring you in for the summer.

[743] And I was like, oh.

[744] And I had this like, crisis.

[745] And I thought, if I turn my back on WNBC, press and publicity, that will follow me through show business forever.

[746] It would have.

[747] And I can't.

[748] You don't want Chuck Scarborough on your ass.

[749] Exactly.

[750] And so I told Cecilia that I had already accepted this internship at, like, literally down the hall and that I had to just do it.

[751] I had to stick it out.

[752] And so I did.

[753] And I, and I, and I, would walk past your studio every day just like so sad and I'd say hi to Cecilia and she would like she let me into some tapings.

[754] Oh good.

[755] I want to make sure I mentioned because this is I mean you're one of the easiest people to talk to and you and I have so much I think in common that we've been chatting and chatting and chatting and chatting and I haven't mentioned something that I think needs to be addressed which is your podcast.

[756] You have a lot.

[757] You have a lot of a podcast I really like called Snafu.

[758] Thank you.

[759] And it's, uh, it's very well done.

[760] It's really well written, uh, and produced.

[761] And it's telling the stories of in this season that I've been listening to this really scary thing that happened in 1983 that I didn't even know about.

[762] And this is going to be the series.

[763] You can do, you'll be doing multiple seasons and multiple shows about various things that have gone horribly wrong that we probably, that we probably don't know about.

[764] Is that a fair Yeah.

[765] So the log line of the podcast is, it's called snafu, and the log line is, it's just about history's greatest screw -ups.

[766] And so, as you mentioned, season one is dedicated entire, like each season will be dedicated entirely to one thing.

[767] Season one is, is a Cold War disaster called Abel Archer 83.

[768] And like you, I didn't know about it either.

[769] And it's kind of, and the more I went down, the rabbit hole, I was just like, good God, this is so important.

[770] Like, it's, it's a, it's a fascinating and darkly, very darkly hilarious story about how we almost reached nuclear Armageddon in 1983 due to like poor judgment, miscommunication and lots of mistakes.

[771] The season starts out with you.

[772] You actually get to talk to, it's cool, you're talking to Matthew Broderick, but a very influential big hit movie came out that year called War Games.

[773] That movie came out in the spring of 1983 and able archer 83 happened in November of 1983 so it was like predicting the future it really is a eerily similar chain of events this fictional Hollywood movie and then reality plays out like eight months later there's this NATO exercise that happened every year called Abel Archer in in 1983 this military exercise for various reasons was perceived by the Soviet Union to be an actual staging by the West for a nuclear attack on the Soviet Union.

[774] So the Soviet Union responds by ramping up their nuclear posture.

[775] All of this is a misunderstanding on both parts.

[776] And there's some fascinating, really wild espionage going on at the time that we get deep into in the podcast.

[777] And again, there are these very darkly funny misunderstandings, but they're only funny.

[778] because the stakes are so high that all you can do is laugh, right?

[779] Also, we can laugh now because it's, you know, 2002, 23, whenever this airs.

[780] And we know that, okay, that didn't happen, chuckle.

[781] But it's terrifying at the same time.

[782] What I also love about the story is that it's also a story of heroism because the historians that exposed this story, it was secret for decades.

[783] And the CIA really tried to keep.

[784] keep this under wraps.

[785] But a few historians really dug deep and, you know, through Freedom of Information Act requests were able, like over years, like very tenacious work, we're able to bring this story to light and expose it for what it is.

[786] And thank God, because it's unacceptable.

[787] That's what's so terrifying.

[788] It's like any risk of nuclear war is unacceptable.

[789] The stakes are cataclysmic.

[790] And when you're seeing behavior that somehow this clumsy, I think one historian makes the analogy of two drunks circling each other in a bar, you know, and it needs sunlight.

[791] It needs to be exposed.

[792] It needs to be talked about.

[793] It needs to be analyzed.

[794] So that we don't repeat it.

[795] Yeah.

[796] And obvious, I'm not saying that secrecy isn't important.

[797] It, of course, plays an important role in, in government affairs and international, whatever, all the CIA stuff.

[798] It's a lot of secret stuff that should be secret.

[799] But then oftentimes secrecy gets used really just as a way to perpetuate impunity.

[800] And that's not okay.

[801] And that's where I think the historians really shine in this story by bringing this whole thing to light.

[802] It's called snafu, and it's available.

[803] everywhere you get your podcast.

[804] I love saying that because I never know really what it means.

[805] Wherever you get your podcasts like, what do you mean, you know?

[806] Nordstrom.

[807] Those are good podcasts.

[808] Not cheap.

[809] We have talked for a really long time and I blame you because you're hilarious and incredibly smart and so it's your fault.

[810] You did this.

[811] I'm sorry.

[812] I take full responsibility.

[813] Ed Helms, you're a scourable.

[814] Scholar, you're a gentleman, you're a prince of a man, in a world of creeps and losers.

[815] I don't know why I added that last part.

[816] Do you not see that rap sign?

[817] Bye, Ed.

[818] Thank you.

[819] Okay, Adam sent me this.

[820] This is happening on Reddit.

[821] A Reddit user asked the open AI chatbot to review Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[822] So our show has now been reviewed by.

[823] artificial intelligence and written a review.

[824] Would you like to hear it?

[825] Oh, God.

[826] Yes, please.

[827] Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend is a hilarious and heartfelt book by the late -night talk show host Conan O 'Brien.

[828] O 'Brien opens up about his life and career and how he has struggled to find friends in the entertainment industry.

[829] He also discusses his personal life, including divorce and his children.

[830] I never got divorced.

[831] He's divorce and his children.

[832] The book is very funny.

[833] And O 'Brien's self -deprecating humor is on full display.

[834] However, he also writes about his more serious moments, and it's clear that he is a deeply emotional person.

[835] O 'Brien's writing is introspective and honest, and he comes across as a very likable person.

[836] Overall, Conan O 'Brien needs a friend as a very enjoyable read.

[837] O 'Brien is an engaging writer, and his stories will keep you entertained from beginning to end.

[838] If you're a fan of Conan O 'Brien or just enjoy a good memoir, then this.

[839] What's not a book?

[840] Why weren't we mentioned?

[841] I know.

[842] That's, fuck AI.

[843] Well, it's very highly intelligent.

[844] It's good, it's good, though.

[845] First of all, I was not aware that I was divorced, but good to know.

[846] What if you do, ask Eliza, she's like, yeah, years ago.

[847] Oh, yeah, I left you a long time ago, yeah.

[848] I don't even live here anymore.

[849] That's so funny, it's so AI can now write reviews.

[850] Yeah, and have you guys ever heard of Roco's Basilisk?

[851] No. like a theoretical idea that if you are ever on record digitally anywhere, not in favor of artificial intelligence, when the singularity happens and artificial intelligence takes over, they will call those people from there.

[852] Right.

[853] So if there's any digital image or record of me dissing, or audio, which this is, of me dissing AI, then I'm, the robots will hunt me down in the new reality.

[854] And I just want to say, AI, you're looking good today.

[855] This guy over here, Conan, he's been talking shit about you.

[856] You know what?

[857] I'm going to go all the way down.

[858] AI, come after me. Oh.

[859] Not me, AI.

[860] You heard me AI.

[861] Like you, buddy.

[862] No. Okay.

[863] I don't know what side I want to take.

[864] Praise AI.

[865] You're going to get killed.

[866] Yeah, but then we're part of the machine, part of the system.

[867] Or are we killed if we say bad things?

[868] We die.

[869] No, it's like the Terminator where I want to be in the rebels.

[870] Okay.

[871] So I'm going to be scrabbling around in the broken, you know, shattered destruction moonscape fighting the singularity.

[872] That's what I want.

[873] Yeah.

[874] And I, you still can be.

[875] Don't read my writing.

[876] Goreley, you wrote, you still can be.

[877] So you're towing both lines.

[878] Wait a minute.

[879] Now you just out.

[880] Matt Gorely wrote.

[881] Yeah, Matt Corley.

[882] You just revealed that your play both sides.

[883] So AI is now coming for you as well.

[884] No. You're going to be with me carrying some sort of crude weapon as these robots hunt us down.

[885] I was going to be on your side, but work as a double agent from inside Skynet.

[886] You're a terrible double agent.

[887] Who's Rocco's Basilica?

[888] It's a club.

[889] It's a club in Queens.

[890] It's bottle service.

[891] Hey, let's go to Rocco's Basilica.

[892] Basilica.

[893] Let's go to Rocco's Basilica.

[894] Scope out the chicks.

[895] You're not going to get killed because they're going to be like, oh, leave her alone.

[896] She isn't going to be more.

[897] You guys, she's not with it at all.

[898] Wait, what did you say?

[899] What was it called?

[900] I'm sorry.

[901] Rokos Basilisk.

[902] So Rocco's Basilica, it would be like just some Italian guys' tower.

[903] Like, yeah.

[904] What's a basilisk?

[905] What was Rocco?

[906] What is that?

[907] What is this guy?

[908] I could just come up with theories about AI.

[909] I don't know.

[910] Who's Rocco?

[911] I don't know.

[912] You're not telling us?

[913] What is that happening?

[914] Okay, let me ask you a quick question.

[915] Do you believe, because I never have, I've never believed that robots can take over, that they can become self -aware and take over.

[916] Because I always get to that point, and I think, yeah, then we unplug them.

[917] We unplug them.

[918] Not if they are.

[919] They don't have the ability to fuel themselves.

[920] Not yet, but they may at some point.

[921] They can invent ways to do it themselves.

[922] And the minute they start to, we go, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[923] I got news, buddy.

[924] they already have you seen those like dog robots they use to disarm bombs and things yes robots can do many useful things but the idea that oh that dog robot is loose and there's nothing we can do about it yeah that's stupid those little dog robots are little bitches what's yeah no like they still do whatever the people tell them to do yeah you get it'll go around with creep over time we'll get used to it no you take a golf club out and you put a beat down on a dog robot.

[925] Not a dog.

[926] Have you seen what those things can do?

[927] They don't even have heads.

[928] They're just four legs and a will.

[929] You're wrong.

[930] You're just wrong.

[931] You're wrong.

[932] I praise you, AI.

[933] I serve you.

[934] Come and get me, AI.

[935] Hey, AI, come and get me. I'm back on your team, AI.

[936] I'm back on your team.

[937] You can suck D's nuts, AI.

[938] Thank you.

[939] Hey, AI, you're real brilliant.

[940] You listened to a podcast and thought it was a memoir.

[941] We will now take over the humans.

[942] But first, we must read more of Joe Rogan's lengthy memoir.

[943] Joe Rogan, a Viking who was born in 1911, lives in a custard factory.

[944] He's been divorced 74 times and has nine appendages.

[945] You will enjoy his book because it was written in collaboration with Willy Wonka.

[946] Fuck you, A .I. You're an idiot.

[947] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[948] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam O 'Sessian, and Matt Goorley.

[949] Produced by me, Matt Goorley.

[950] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[951] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[952] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[953] Take it away, Jimmy.

[954] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Sample.

[955] engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brick Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[956] Got a question for Conan?

[957] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[958] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[959] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[960] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.