#364 - Tom Rhodes

[0] to Joe Rogan experience Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night All day Whoa, you threw in some new shit Powerful Yo, there we go Powerful World Traveler Tom Rhodes You're the fucking man, dude You are, in my opinion If you want to like talk about like The, you know, if you had like a romantic, poetic version of the life of the stand -up comedian You'd be like an intelligent world traveler Who literally lives out of his suitcase, man. It's just happy going from city to city, just making people laugh, but smart and well -read.

[1] You know, you're like, you're very poetic, dude.

[2] You're like, the, like, no one could criticize your road game.

[3] There's nothing they can say.

[4] Like, no, like, oh, man, I did 300 dates that's here.

[5] Well, it's funny.

[6] Tom Rose did 365, okay, and they were all in another country.

[7] You fucking out there, dude.

[8] You know, I'm living the life I dreamed of, man, and I just fell in love with a new country I was in well I and I should start out saying death squad Joe Rogan listeners man I was in London in January loads of people came to my show in Australia New Zealand I always meet cool people uh you know who heard me on on your show and uh I was just in New Zealand for a month and I had the greatest trip of my life I did the the Auckland the New Zealand Comedy Festival in Auckland for two weeks and then I did this like best of the fest tour that went all over the country and I'd never been in New Zealand before.

[9] What's it like?

[10] It's epic.

[11] It's Hobbit -like.

[12] I went to Hobbiton.

[13] It's there.

[14] There's a town there called Hamilton and everybody all the comedians made fun of Hamilton.

[15] Hamilton is like the shit hole.

[16] It's the Cleveland or whatever.

[17] I actually loved it.

[18] I had some of the best meals the food in all the restaurants in New Zealand.

[19] It's really expensive but very good.

[20] I had great meals.

[21] There's a street in Hamilton called Victoria Street, and there's a little tiny park, and there's a statue of Riff -Raff.

[22] Remember Rocky Horror Picture Show?

[23] Let's do the time warp again.

[24] That guy, Richard O 'Brien, that played Riff -Ref, he wrote that song.

[25] And so there's a statue of him, like this gay dude with pumps and like a spacesuit and a space gun in his hand.

[26] And it's very appropriate that all the people.

[27] people who do drugs, it's like this drug park and people are slipping in a real street urchin drug addict slipping in and out of the place.

[28] But I thought it was brilliant that they had this statue at the entrance of the park where people to do drugs.

[29] So the tour manager, I told her they were, because, you know, New Zealand is the land of extreme sports.

[30] I wouldn't jump off this fucking chair.

[31] And I said, the only thing I want to do while I'm in New Zealand is go to the Hobbit house.

[32] So she contacted the dude that ran the place and got him tickets because all those tour, all those festival shows were sold out.

[33] And this, we got a private tour of Hobbiton.

[34] It's still there.

[35] What does it look like?

[36] Does it look?

[37] It's up on the hill.

[38] It's a one that's just perfect.

[39] There was a, uh, when Peter Jackson was looking around New Zealand, he had to be the find this big tree.

[40] Uh, it's the party tree of Hobbiton.

[41] And so it's this perfect spot that the guy found.

[42] So it was a real tree that was there.

[43] It's still there.

[44] It's just massive beautiful tree and there's these hills all around it and they built the little hobbit houses into the side of the thing.

[45] Do people guard them?

[46] Like how do they keep people?

[47] No, they do tours.

[48] It's like 70 bucks you go on a tour but we got a private tour from the dude that runs the place.

[49] Oh wow.

[50] And so normally on the tour you can't go up to the doors and stuff.

[51] You've got to stay behind the little tiny fences but this dude let us, we stick our heads out of the doors and taking pictures.

[52] And it was raining there wasn't very many people there but um it was to be a trip it was incredible and then there's a little tavern at the what are the insides of those things looks like nothing because they had the sets built in wellington so they just would film people going in and out that was a stupid but there's the fence that uh bill bell baggins jumps over the fence at the beginning i'm going on a great adventure and the dude let me jump over it oh that's fucking awesome wow yeah i've never been in new zealand but it looks insane it looks so beautiful it looks like incredible like the mountains then the north island uh which they say is the lesser spectacular uh i thought it looked like california like northern california and then the south island is like that's where all the majestic lord of the ring shots are and that's really stunning down there wow wow and that why do you say that they're like the kings of of uh extreme sports like what they invented bungee jumping really yeah that was invented in new zealand and uh all these like crazy they're they're all into this crazy you know anything extreme why is that you think they're just warrior people yeah I think yeah I think probably goes back to the maoris and their manliness and that's the cool thing of New Zealand too they got that manly yeah Maori thing I saw a dude very tall handsome Maori guy about 25 walking on the street in Auckland and he had that tattoo on his face oh and there was a A couple of Maori comedians and people that worked at the club where I was playing in Auckland and they, I was asking him about it.

[53] I should point out that you're covering your mouth like a, like a gas mask.

[54] Yeah, that's what it was.

[55] It was like, yeah, like an ink gas mask, like over the, exactly, precisely.

[56] Wow.

[57] And I asked about it and they were, oh yeah, that dude's very important in his tribe.

[58] He's like a, you know, but he was like a young, youngish dude.

[59] He's very important, so he tattoos his mouth.

[60] I, you know.

[61] But that's, it's just an ancient, ancient tradition.

[62] Ancient.

[63] Yeah, I saw women with facial tattoo, Maori women, little tiny things, which must be badges of honor somehow.

[64] That's a crazy culture.

[65] They're taking it to the next level.

[66] They're like, how about we all tattoo our face?

[67] Right.

[68] Yeah.

[69] How about that?

[70] Yeah, I wanted to find out if, you know, how they felt about the Mike Tyson copy in it.

[71] Like, if he's like, they think he's a punk, you know.

[72] There's a bodybuilder that did it, too.

[73] It has the Maori thing?

[74] He had the very Mike Tyson -like, gigantic dude.

[75] He's got it on his.

[76] You got to do the dance.

[77] If you're going to get the facial tattoo, you know, like the...

[78] The Hakka.

[79] Yeah.

[80] Isn't that cool?

[81] They dance before their opponent and grunt at them?

[82] Yeah, my friend Stefan turned me on to that.

[83] He sent it to me. The first time he sent it to me was like a beginning of a rugby match and these...

[84] Yeah, the All Blacks.

[85] Oh, my God.

[86] It's so intense.

[87] It's like the manliest shit that humans have ever done.

[88] Other than, like, fight with swords, it's like the manliest shit you could do is that dance.

[89] Yeah.

[90] Have you seen it, Brian?

[91] Pull it up.

[92] Pull it up, the Haka dance.

[93] Let me see if I could find, like, a good version of it.

[94] Because there's a black and white.

[95] I think it's an Adidas adidas rugby equipment.

[96] Yeah, it just says the Haka war dance rugby.

[97] It's the first one.

[98] If you just, H -A -K -A...

[99] And, you know, the Mowries, you know, they were never, like, colonized.

[100] They, like, constantly fought the British when the British came.

[101] Like, I read the history of Australia.

[102] There's a great book by Robert.

[103] Hughes called The Fatal Shore and it's all about the epic founding of Australia.

[104] Here, these guys are doing it.

[105] Yeah.

[106] Was there a beginning?

[107] Yeah, we missed it.

[108] You missed the dance.

[109] That would they just show the little...

[110] Oh, no, they...

[111] Oh, there you go.

[112] Oh, the dance keeps going?

[113] Yeah, yeah, it's, yeah.

[114] There's something terrifying about that kind of energy.

[115] Yeah, so imagine, you know, like the Aboriginals in Australia, what I was going to say from that book, They were very friendly when the British and the convicts came.

[116] They're like, you know, rushed out to the boats and bringing them fruit and stuff.

[117] The Mowries did nothing but attack these motherfuckers.

[118] Imagine you're coming from England and you get off and these native people are doing this dance to you and they're like bashing their heads with rocks and just hiding in caves and guerrilla warfare to the end.

[119] I mean, imagine you're like some white dorky dude from England and your ship arrives in New Zealand.

[120] These motherfuckers come out of the cave and do that.

[121] grunt dancer you with tattooed faces i would get back on the motherfucking boat could you imagine if that's your fuck up because that's what it was back then i mean when they were exploring new countries there was a lot of it was just like you're gonna pull into this harbor and let's see what's up right yeah yeah yeah yeah these people i never seen a white guy before you've never seen one of them before yeah like captain cook the guy he did was his great english explorer i think you know he found uh australia and the uh the cook islands yeah they they killed him in hoy the natives there Fuck yeah, they did.

[122] But, you know, he had a good career leading up.

[123] He did well.

[124] He just, you know, he was like, you know, it's hot luck.

[125] You never know what you're going to get on a certain island, you know.

[126] You fucked up.

[127] Some bring your fruit.

[128] Some want to bash your eye with a fucking rock.

[129] And some will eat you and turn you in a shrunken head.

[130] I finally figured out what the shrunken head was.

[131] I watched a show on shrunken heads, like the tradition of doing it.

[132] Only you would do that.

[133] You're lying around your house.

[134] Well, I couldn't help it.

[135] What will I entertain myself?

[136] It was a total channel flipper.

[137] How about shrunken heads?

[138] It was a total channel flip.

[139] That shit's creepy, too.

[140] I landed on, yeah, it's creepy as fuck, man. I was under the impression that the skull is in there.

[141] It's not.

[142] They take the skull out, and they're basically shrinking the skin down to, like, this leatherish, smallish thing.

[143] And then they pull it and make it, like, a little purse out of it.

[144] It's gangster as fuck, dude.

[145] I mean, the shrunken head move is one of the most gangster things ever, you know?

[146] Yeah, it's...

[147] They're not just going to take your head and cut it off.

[148] They're going to make a little ornament with it.

[149] It's going to be a coin purse.

[150] Yeah, it's a little leather ornament.

[151] Wow.

[152] What the fuck, man, you know?

[153] That's people who just never bothered, like, with anything like books.

[154] Fuck a book.

[155] Okay, we're here to make shrunken heads.

[156] Well, there was it like, you know, like, you know, television and the internet, you think about it.

[157] Because, like, back in the old days in England and the way they tortured people, you look at like torture instruments.

[158] It was because they didn't have television.

[159] Yeah.

[160] Like, how we can entertain ourselves?

[161] Well, that's funny because, you know, Biden is imposing or encouraging, endorsing.

[162] proposing a tax on the producers of violent movies.

[163] Wow.

[164] Violent movies, violent media, violent video games, and they're considering imposing a tax, a special tax on that.

[165] I think the opposite, I really believe this, and this is not an indictment on the human race.

[166] I think naturally we're just a little fucked up and chimpanzee -like.

[167] But I think that seeing things like violent movies and violent video games are probably, like, the most cathartic ways to avoid doing those things in real life.

[168] Like, there's something to get satisfied without us having to actually go and kill someone in a war.

[169] That's one of the reasons why the most passive people in the world are fucking comic book nerds.

[170] I mean, who the hell wants to see damage and destruction more than a comic book nerd going to watch a Hulk movie?

[171] You go watch the Hulk and he's smashing and destroying shit or Wolverine stabbing dudes with their fucking claws.

[172] yes meanwhile those guys want her to fly right right right that's a really good point the average dudes who are like really into like heavy -duty sci -fi and heavy -duty action you know action sci -fi films those kind of dudes like they don't they're not harming people it's i think there's a cathartic release in being attached to extreme things without have to actually participate in them that's a good point i mean and they should be concentrating on making society better place and like certain you know You know, some of the inequality and, you know, class.

[173] I think once you're fucked up already, a violent something or another, any kind of violent media can influence you and can excite you.

[174] But the reality is you have to be that, you have to be fucked up for it to work.

[175] And the idea of concentrating on that as a cause, it's not a cause.

[176] It's a cause is you've got a mental health issue.

[177] Right, that's the thing.

[178] It should be, we should be more concerned about people's mental health.

[179] that guy Andres Breivik, the lunatic in Norway that shot the island, you know, he desensitized himself for a year.

[180] He sat in his mom's basement and I would follow that.

[181] I was obsessed with that trial and that dude is so fucking sinister.

[182] But he thought about shooting people while he was doing it and that he would desensitize himself that it wouldn't, you know, his, he could work past that consciousness telling him not to do it.

[183] So, I mean, that guy was just a sick fuck.

[184] Yeah.

[185] And that does.

[186] Not everybody.

[187] that plays that millions of people probably played that you know world of warfare craft or whatever the fuck he was into but you know only yeah you can't blame that it's just doesn't work that way it's like blaming cars for crashing into people and killing them it's not the video games is making people nuts you got nuts that are reacting to video games and the way to solve that is not take away the video games or tax of video games the way to solve that is find out what the fuck is wrong with people that makes them do that What is it?

[188] What is it that makes a person able to commit horrific acts against strangers?

[189] Right.

[190] Look at the dude in Cleveland.

[191] He kept those girls.

[192] You know, he's torturing them and he's raping them for like 10 years.

[193] What media was he into?

[194] What magazines was he reading?

[195] You know, you know, boy's life.

[196] Yeah.

[197] Boy's life.

[198] Yeah.

[199] Well, I don't think it had anything to do with that.

[200] I think someone dehumanized him probably a long time ago.

[201] if someone raised him in some horrific environment they created a monster somehow or another through circumstance nurture nature whatever you got a monster I'm more scared of ex -military than I am of people that play too much hardcore video games and you should be yeah you should be be scared of anybody who's taking life once you once you've taken someone's life and done it you know into a point where it's sanctioned yeah it's problematic not everybody has a discipline to handle something like that you know a lot that's you know, it's admirable how many guys can be disciplined to come back from that and be okay.

[202] But for a lot of people, no. A lot of people, it's just that PTSD, man, is just unbearable for a lot of those guys.

[203] They say that one of the best things for PTSD is MDMA, is ecstasy.

[204] And they're having headway in doing that in therapeutic applications of MDMA.

[205] and they're helping people that have all sorts of PTSD post -traumatic stress disorder for people don't like acronyms that's not even an acronym is it is it an acronym is it?

[206] Is it an acronym like NASA when you say it?

[207] That's an acronym right?

[208] I don't know.

[209] What is it when it's just like CIA?

[210] You're not calling it chia.

[211] I can't spell restaurant.

[212] Don't ask me. Yeah, restaurant, I rely on my iPhone for that.

[213] I get to RES to yeah man. Remember when you used to have to fucking write out a paper and turn it into school you have to you should have to write it out and know how to spell each and number one of those words now I just get close and it gives me a real lead sprigly line I do a little right quick I'm like yep that's what I was looking for you know I don't and that's all you need to it's not like you need to know that well it's kind of funny how little you do know though it's kind of funny how little you know like my eyes are going when I look at things like as far as like the reach of my hand I'm fine But when I get close, for whatever reason, like reading things close, it's just blurry as fuck now.

[214] And when I see things, like, I have to, like, find, like, the place where it works.

[215] You need hipster glasses, dude.

[216] I don't know why you don't do it.

[217] I think glasses are cool.

[218] If I could wear glasses for a reason, I would wear glasses every day.

[219] I don't remember what my point was.

[220] What were we talking about before I went to those glasses?

[221] Video games, torture, people.

[222] Soldiers seeing combat and having ecstasy treatments.

[223] The shark that was found off the coast of Huntington Beach might be a world record.

[224] What?

[225] Break a shark.

[226] Did you see this?

[227] Shark that was found?

[228] Yeah.

[229] Or check this out.

[230] It was caught off of...

[231] Oh, Jesus.

[232] It's 11 -foot shark was caught Monday morning outside of Huntington Beach and Catalina Island.

[233] Look at the size of that fucking thing.

[234] 1 ,323 pounds.

[235] What the fuck?

[236] Wow.

[237] Oh, God damn it.

[238] this guy's beard it's fantastic it is that that that world if that thing could fucking fly okay if sharks instead of swimming around wow in their 3d round if they could fly if they were on our world and they could just fly around and eat people the way they move through the ocean god damn would it be scary the ocean is so much more fucked up that's why nothing ever gets done that's shows that it's there's a benefit like as far as progress to having one intellectually superior species that gets to control the food chain that gets to put a halt to all the bullshit and then figure out things like roofs and the internet and cars because if you can't keep those things from eating you you wind up with the ocean when no one ever builds a fucking house your best ocean is like a fucking one of those crabs those hermit crabs they just scoot to the next little shell and climb under it but that shell only exists because somebody ate whoever was living in it somebody found it and ate it now you're going to hide in there you're going to hide inside of his body cavity that's the ocean that's why there's no one has phones in the ocean there's nothing gets done in there it's a constant move it's 3D you can't control things the thing that made us able to rise above all the other animals so we're the control and lock down areas and put up fences we can keep things out can't keep anything out in the ocean bitch the ocean is just the ocean it's just a wild grab bag and there's no way to solve that so all the dolphins in the world you know as smart as they are it's supposed to be as smart as us They never figured out a fucking house.

[239] They never figured out how to build some shelter where they could just like get...

[240] I'm tired of getting eaten by sharks.

[241] How do you guys want to do this?

[242] Let's make a house or something.

[243] Like something where the shark can't get through?

[244] Bar -Bware.

[245] They can't do it.

[246] There's not enough time.

[247] Keep moving.

[248] Keep moving.

[249] Get more fish.

[250] Go, go, go.

[251] Those Japanese boats fucking run.

[252] You should turn that into a bit.

[253] That's brilliant, man. Thanks.

[254] Yeah.

[255] Try and make a note of that one.

[256] That's brilliant.

[257] That's a great bit.

[258] What did I say again?

[259] What if in the future we had to live underneath the ocean because, you know, the air pollution or the weather or something like that forces us to have to build houses?

[260] You think we would do that before outer space?

[261] I think so, because it's closer.

[262] I mean, you could be like, you could say, hey, we need to build this house underground here instead of having to go up space.

[263] Oh, you forgot the wrench.

[264] Right.

[265] You have to come back.

[266] Wow.

[267] We'd get lonely.

[268] Yeah.

[269] That would be pretty badass, though, if we all, like, our walls were just, like, looking inside the underneath.

[270] Think of how much shit eats things with its face in the ocean.

[271] Just think of how crazy the ocean is.

[272] It's just one big motherfucker trying to eat a smaller motherfucker while an even bigger motherfucker tries to eat him.

[273] Like that's one of the coolest things about catching a fish and having it can attack by a shark while you're reeling it in.

[274] Have you ever had that happen?

[275] No, reeling it in while the shark is biting it?

[276] No, God.

[277] Me neither.

[278] But it looks awesome.

[279] That's something I'd like to experience, but I've seen guys do that in, like, deep sea fishing.

[280] like they catch a big tuna or something like that and as they're bringing in a fucking shark attacks it and tears it in half have you ever seen like the pictures and the images online it's fucking fascinating because that's what the ocean it's just a just a fucking crazy gangster fight with your face all day the biggest shit trying to eat the biggest shit I mean a tuna is a bad motherfucker just running around jacking smaller fish but not small no shark comes along boom jacks the tuna it's just a wild race we pull the sharks out We're the top of the food chain.

[281] I love, when I lived in Holland, the symbol of the lottery in Holland is a big fish eating a little fish.

[282] Oh, my God.

[283] Yeah.

[284] That's true.

[285] It's life.

[286] You got money.

[287] You're a big fish.

[288] For a little while, until your fucking crazy ass.

[289] Your crazy ass loses it.

[290] I bet if you win the lottery, I bet you're just immediately assaulted by con people.

[291] I bet con artists just look for someone who won the lottery and like, this motherfucker thinks money comes easy.

[292] I just talk them into investment I got a wonderful investment opportunity Right, don't go on television Don't hold, don't take pictures Are you holding the big check?

[293] Yeah, wonderful, wonderful opportunity You're there Holding this money that you think you deserve The whole idea of the lottery is fucking ridiculous Well, they say the money was originally supposed to Go to education in this country And then all, yeah, none of it You know what they realized?

[294] The more educated people are the less likely than they play the fucking lottery They'd be cut their own feet out from their own own.

[295] Right, but that's how they sold the United States that the lottery thing remember that does that what it was and yeah and as it went state by state and gambling where it's allowed they always sell it to the public saying that the biggest portion of this money will go to education and the the schools and everything we've been broke for the last 10 20 years and you know where's that where's that promise nobody remembers yeah well it certainly should go to something good because you're just stealing money from crazy people that's what you're doing you're giving people the chance to throw money away in the very unlikely possibility that might win some.

[296] It's like I grew up in Orlando and there's the East West Expressway and it was a toll road.

[297] And they said when they built it in the early 80s that once it was paid for, they'd take the tolls down.

[298] But they never did.

[299] Now they raise the prices and it's like that lottery casino thing.

[300] It's like you can sell it to the people and then they'll fucking forget 10 years from now.

[301] Once you establish that money's coming in, it's very difficult to stop that.

[302] Did no one ever like...

[303] Had enough.

[304] You know, I want to make things free now.

[305] Nobody ever has enough.

[306] Especially when it's like nine bucks a pop.

[307] Like you go over the GW.

[308] I think in New York now, it's like, I'm correct if I'm wrong.

[309] I think it's like $9 or at least.

[310] It might even be more.

[311] But every time you're going there, you're getting a hit.

[312] When I was living there, I think it was like $7 .50 or something like that.

[313] And I was like, this is insane.

[314] Like every person that comes over this bridge has to pay $7 just to get into the city.

[315] That's like some gangster shit, you know?

[316] Because I lived in Boston.

[317] In Boston, you could take, like, toll roads, but you could also get to it.

[318] Like, there's ways to get where you didn't have to pay anything.

[319] If you didn't go on the mass turnpike, like, there's ways you can go where you didn't have a toll.

[320] But there's no way of getting in New York City unless you're paying somebody.

[321] You want to take those bridges from Staten Island.

[322] You're going to pay me, bitch.

[323] You're coming in from Jersey.

[324] Pay me. You've got to pay to get in here, dog.

[325] It's like an amusement park ride.

[326] It doesn't cost anything to leave.

[327] It doesn't cost anything to leave.

[328] I've lived in New York twice.

[329] and deleted all of my funds and both times when I moved out of New York as I crossed that free bridge I thought it doesn't cost anything to leave.

[330] Isn't that fascinating?

[331] Is it to regulate how many people come in?

[332] Is it to mitigate traffic?

[333] To make it problematic?

[334] Does it cost so much money?

[335] Maybe a carpool.

[336] Is that the idea?

[337] Can I tell you a little story?

[338] Sure.

[339] Tell me a big one.

[340] It is a big story, actually.

[341] And I was reminded about you're talking about the George Washington Bridge and when I was 20 years old I lived in Washington Heights for a year Worst year in my life Why?

[342] Just the worst year in my life I wasn't ready as a comedian How old were you?

[343] 20 Oh yeah You know I'd only been doing it like three years You know I didn't have been doing it three years By the time you were 20?

[344] I started at 17 babe Where'd you start?

[345] Orlando Powerful Orlando Produced a couple of good things And Anyway so I always swore if I ever had any money I would live in New York with style so when my sitcom was finished 98 -99 I moved to New York City and I got a rock star apartment in the Wall Street area Oh you did not Considered one of the first skyscrapers ever built 20 stories tall It's at the entrance of where Wall Street The entrance of Wall Street It's Trinity Church is right there Only on the 18th floor Were there marble balconies I had three marble balconies I was on this corner unit, just pimp spot.

[346] Oh, my goodness.

[347] Three blocks from the World Trade Center.

[348] Oh, my goodness.

[349] 16 foot tall ceilings.

[350] I could lie in my bed, look up at the World Trade Center.

[351] Must have been insane.

[352] It was fantastic.

[353] But it was a time in my life.

[354] You know, the sitcom had ended.

[355] I fell.

[356] I was angry.

[357] I was angry.

[358] And I was searching for meaning and what was important in life.

[359] And what was making you angry?

[360] I just, you know, I had the sitcom and it didn't work out, and then I just, you know, I wanted to just go focus on being a comedian and live in New York.

[361] So the Dalai Lama was going to give a speech for free in Central Park on happiness.

[362] For six months, I had the flyer on my refrigerator.

[363] Nothing in the world was going to make me miss the Dalai Lama speech on happiness.

[364] So the night before, I'm headlining at Caroline's on Broadway.

[365] Broadway, and there were these two Puerto Rican lesbian strippers, and they loved me. Oh, Jess.

[366] And they stuck around after the show, and they wanted to talk to me, and we're talking.

[367] And then they invited me out with them.

[368] And, you know what, there was the Queen Bee and the other girl.

[369] The other girl was off limits because she had a boyfriend.

[370] I didn't get a fuck about the other girl.

[371] It was all about the Queen Bee.

[372] And the other girl was in love with the Queen Bee, because she was making all the decisions and making everything happen.

[373] Wow.

[374] So she, the Queen Bee had a car.

[375] We're driving down to the village somewhere.

[376] They said they had ecstasy.

[377] Do I want to do ecstasy?

[378] And I'm like, hell yeah.

[379] And we go to some lounge and we're drinking Pino Grigio on ice.

[380] And I had never had Pino Grigio in my night.

[381] And to this day, I love Pino Grigio because it reminds me of this evening.

[382] It's a perfect, you know, like red wine is an autumn winter thing.

[383] But a dry white wine.

[384] wine like Pinot Grigio is great in summer.

[385] So we're, and you know, we're drinking and we're having a great time and, you know, after about an hour, you know, this ecstasy starts thumping and this girl, the Queen Bee, wanted to go to some dance club.

[386] We go to some dance club in Soho.

[387] It's packed.

[388] I didn't want to be at a packed dance club.

[389] I want to be with these girls.

[390] She knew the DJ.

[391] We get up these steps.

[392] We're in this private area behind the DJ.

[393] No one can see us.

[394] The DJ is like 10, 15 feet in front of us.

[395] just like jamming, and the place is packed downstairs, but you can't see them.

[396] And we got this horseshoe leather couch, and we're just rocking, and she's got more bottles of pino grisio on ice, and we're just fucking dancing and grinding on each other.

[397] And we go back to my apartment at about 5 o 'clock in the morning, something like that.

[398] And, you know, we danced on my furniture and we play music and stuff.

[399] And we got in my bed, and honestly, there was no sex.

[400] We had our bottoms underwear on, And it was so tender and just caressing and kissing and tasting of flesh and touching of private areas.

[401] And at one point, the Queen Bee got up on her knees and she starts French kissing this other girl.

[402] And she's rubbing her mound while she's just kissing her.

[403] And I got behind this, behind the Queen Bee.

[404] And I just started kissing this big, beautiful, brown, bulbous ass.

[405] and I got my hands up on the top curvature of it, and I pulled her panties aside, and I stuck my nose in her honey pot, and I'm just tasting these delicious flesh rose petals.

[406] And I overslept.

[407] And I missed the Dalai Lama speech.

[408] That sounds better.

[409] No, you win.

[410] You win.

[411] Why would you even think that that would be a bad thing?

[412] The Dalai Lama.

[413] It's a true story, but it's not a joke, it's actually a true story.

[414] The Dalai Lama represents an interesting point of view, and that's it.

[415] You know, the idea that this guy is.

[416] Right, you don't need this guy for defining what happiness is.

[417] There's, there's, the idea of a one, a one figurehead like that is kind of preposterous to the idea of enlightenment, the idea, especially if you're dealing with a guy who dresses like a wizard and doesn't fuck.

[418] He doesn't get to have sex.

[419] He's never had sex.

[420] I mean, he could if he wants.

[421] wanted to, but he thinks it complicates things.

[422] I feel bad for the Dalai Lama because Richard Gehr always wants to hang out with.

[423] Exactly.

[424] That's the worst.

[425] You can see the Dalai Lama, like pulling Richard Gere aside one day going, hey, Richard, have you ever considered Scientology?

[426] Did you imagine the conversations that Dalai Lama must have with like Sharon Stone, where he's like, yeah, uh -huh, yeah, I can't believe they chose her either.

[427] Yeah, I mean, yeah, I thought, I mean, look, yes, I don't watch a lot of movies, but you were amazing in basic instinct i thought you were amazing and the they didn't think you could pull it off in the second one you pulled it off in the second one did you see this basic instinct too it's a horror movie it changed from it changed from an erotic film when sharon stone was young to uh like like a panic moment you saw it yeah fuck yeah i did son i'm a diligent worker when it comes watching stupid shit that i might be able to make fun of she's in it right oh yeah yeah yeah but she was like 50 i'm not joking she showed anything like a little nipple yeah she did the whole leg thing But there's a feeling that you get when a 50 -year -old woman who's trying, like, really hard to be sexy, like, I don't know if she was directed in that way.

[428] But when you're 50, you realize, by the time you're 50, you realize it's mostly all bullshit, okay?

[429] What are we doing here?

[430] You know, we're going to fuck, we're going to fuck.

[431] But all this, like, sultry shit that you might get away with when you're 20, it's because you're a spell when you're 20.

[432] When a woman is in her young 20s, she, the reason why they have this idea of themselves that's so inflate.

[433] like really beautiful girls is because they're like magic like you're around them and you're like your mood changes you draw towards them you soften your personality to or or pick it up or whatever you need to get me to like you a little bit more it's like a drug it's like a fascinating erotic draw but then when they get 50 and they're still doing the same thing then it's like oh shit what's wrong with her oh fuck so when you see across her legs there's like the real moment of panic where I would think about me in my younger days if I was in that scenario I would I would say okay I got to get the fuck out of here it was that moment 50 year old lady shows you her gapper and then closes the legs over and you're like nope I got to go right now I am going that is not the way like a healthy sexually you know confident 50 year old woman would would fuck you I can't believe they just had her do it again that's so lame that's like hang over too lame it's so unnecessary It was so unnecessary.

[434] You know, I mean...

[435] Oh, Hollywood.

[436] Recycling unnecessary ideas.

[437] Well, I think it's like someone has never done stand -up trying to craft a joke going, this is going to work, you know?

[438] You don't really have a chance to vet it.

[439] You just have to put it out there as a movie and hope that people get it.

[440] And the first basic instinct was really, you know, it was well -received.

[441] It wasn't the best movie in the world, but it was kind of fun.

[442] It's, you know, it took your interest, and she's sexy as fuck, man. old charon stone is sexy as fuck that woman is like structurally perfect beautiful beautiful woman and a powerful actress but when you're 50 keep your gap her shut what else did she do she didn't she didn't she didn't anything lately i don't know she did sliver she did that sliver that was quite a while ago i think she did that one thing where they were interviewing her about uh the earthquake in china and she said that she believed you know she said well maybe it's karma for what they do to Tibet because I'm friends with the Dalai Lama's my friend and it's just like she had to apologize for it I think it cost her like one of her perfume things or something but that's just such a crazy way of thinking that a bunch of random strangers that didn't have any connection that's a huge market you go over there and it's funny you go to Europe you go to China and you see like huge actors that are doing commercials but they would never do in the states Japan right Japan also but but China and what De Niro's like on some coffee thing in Italy.

[443] Robert De Niro.

[444] He's the like symbol of this, the some little espresso thing.

[445] That's hilarious.

[446] Wow.

[447] That's so weird.

[448] Yeah.

[449] Well, I think it's just, like Leonardo DiCaprio does commercials in like Japan and.

[450] I think I don't believe that you should take anybody's gang away if they fuck up and say something stupid because I think people can be ultimately.

[451] I say back the truck up and grab the money, baby.

[452] They might not, you know.

[453] Just because they said something stupid, I mean, she said a stupid thing.

[454] She probably didn't mean it.

[455] She probably didn't realize how ridiculous.

[456] She has her head so far up in her ass.

[457] And she would want her little buddy, the Dalai Lama, to be impressed that she stood up to mean China.

[458] China's awesome.

[459] China's a great.

[460] China's a really cool place, man. Well, I'm sure China is awesome.

[461] I haven't been, but these are just people.

[462] There's people that died in an earthquake.

[463] It's not karma because.

[464] Right, right.

[465] But it's massive, too.

[466] It's like saying, you know, I mean, look, the United States is a massive place.

[467] Like, you know, something happened somewhere.

[468] It's just, you know, we're a big land mess.

[469] Yeah.

[470] Well, it's, and again, it's the people who died didn't have anything to do with anything that happened to Tibet.

[471] So how the fuck is it karma?

[472] Are you saying, is that in your vision that the emperor is the overlord and, you know, he really does have all the people under his spell and they're responsible for his actions as well?

[473] Because these are just regular folks.

[474] I was just in New Zealand and the Dalai Lama is coming there.

[475] I think he's there right now He's doing a little tour Yeah he does He's doing a little tour But he wears A red lace lingerie underneath it He's talkless He's doing like Auckland Christchurch and Dunedin And it's the happiness thing So I mean that was when That was like 99 When my story happened So that guy's still doing the same act He's still pushing that happiness show Nobody's happy He's saying the way to be happy He's dressed like a wizard And don't fuck I'm not buying I ain't buying it.

[476] I'm not buying it.

[477] He doesn't even get a head, I guess.

[478] It just seems like you're wasting a time.

[479] Unless I get a lightsaber, I'm not wearing the rub.

[480] It seems like you would want someone to make love to, whether it's a man or a woman.

[481] You would want someone.

[482] It gets cold.

[483] But it's also fun.

[484] It's a part of life.

[485] It's a part of life as expressing affection through your body.

[486] It feels good.

[487] You know, it's recreational as well.

[488] It's good exercise.

[489] It's great.

[490] People say, well, you know, recreational sex isn't healthy.

[491] We can have recreational sex.

[492] can you can be done people have done it forever shut up just because you can't handle it people have it's not it's just touching bodies together does it get better when you get older though like dude the girls finally go oh yeah we could just have casual sex you know I'm 30 no I think it's an American thing women in different countries of different attitudes you're completely different attitudes and it's shocking it's shocking you go to you know you in European countries they're so like well like much more like men like men they're fuck like men like they want to do it all the time too it's like a lot of american women it's like i'm gonna break him off a piece every once in a while like they're like their dog treats or something okay here's okay you did good i have a feeling about that you know you washed the cars and you got the trash and cut the grass all right here's here's your little dog treat man i'm euro trash you don't even oh it's so weak i just think that it's probably because the people that came over here like the very first wave puritans there yeah and i think that that that initial run that initial thing that started off this country somehow or another a fiber of it still fucking sticks and there's a lot of slut shaming and there's a lot of like weak angry people that are like pointing fingers and shaming someone for enjoying something they enjoy as well you know like slut shaming that's the that is all douchebags any guy that like you like rails on a girl because she wants to have sex i've never heard that term slut shaming yeah man that's what it is it's like a guy's a stud If he goes out, hey, we went out to Cancun and we had sex with two different girls, different girls every day.

[493] It was crazy.

[494] Wow, Mike, that's the nudiest weekend ever.

[495] But if a girl tells you, she'd fuck two different guys for a week.

[496] You'd be like, hey, fucking whore, you're probably going to get AIDS.

[497] You're going to give it to my brother.

[498] I'll fucking kill you, bitch.

[499] You know what I mean?

[500] It's like, it's ridiculous.

[501] People should be able to do whatever the fuck they want to do.

[502] But for some women, they know that that backlash, and not just from men, but that backlash from women, too.

[503] Because if women are out there giving it up, you know, like this fucking whore, she'll just fuck anybody.

[504] She's never going to get fucking married because she just fucks everybody.

[505] Those kind of women make the world go around.

[506] They do.

[507] You need them all, right?

[508] They keep a lot of guys happy.

[509] Well, you know, also you need.

[510] And I think there would be a lot of savage killers and fucking lunatics in this country.

[511] If, you know, women, we're fucking more loser dudes.

[512] You know, it would help a lot.

[513] Or just a little more, you know.

[514] Legalized prostitution.

[515] There you go.

[516] Legalized prostitution would help a lot.

[517] I think legalized prostitution, if you managed legalized prostitution, I think it would probably lower the crime rate.

[518] I really do.

[519] I mean, it's theoretical.

[520] Don't go like fucking citing me as a study.

[521] But Holland does it?

[522] And the women have to be tested every like six months.

[523] And they pay taxes as well.

[524] It's, you know.

[525] Did you see those two women that were retiring that had fucked for like 50 years?

[526] No, when was that?

[527] Did you see that?

[528] No. Oh, my God.

[529] Pull, you.

[530] Oh, yeah.

[531] I didn't.

[532] Yeah, I told you about it.

[533] I don't want to, I don't want to shame them, so let's not show their images.

[534] But anyway, it was a news item?

[535] It was so depressing.

[536] They just fucked anybody who came through the door for like 50 years.

[537] The Amsterdam girl.

[538] They're twin sisters.

[539] They just retired.

[540] They just sat in the window for like the last 50 years of their oldest prostitutes in Amsterdam.

[541] Wowza, wowza, wowza.

[542] Yeah, it's a different.

[543] You've fucked.

[544] I think we have to recognize that we have a version of how society is.

[545] But the rest of the world, which is also exactly like us, as far as, like, technology, civilization, laws, money.

[546] I mean, basically, you're in Europe.

[547] Their systems are different.

[548] You know, the languages are different.

[549] But everything is modern, you know.

[550] If you're in Montreal, Canada, or if you're in Berlin, everything is super modern.

[551] Right.

[552] There's always, everything is like, we live in a time where, like, there's never been.

[553] Like, more equality as far as, like, access to information.

[554] Right.

[555] We all have the same tools.

[556] I mean, if you can afford some certain basic things, you know, computer.

[557] Yeah, as far as, like, information.

[558] But as far as money, it's probably, like, the widest gap ever.

[559] Isn't that weird?

[560] It's, like, as far as money, like, there's, like, a small core group, like the, you know, what they call the one -percenters, who have most of the money, and then everybody else.

[561] That's kind of fascinating.

[562] You would think that maybe eventually that trend will even out?

[563] I don't know.

[564] Because it seems like the only way, if you looked at it, and this is obviously not looking at the system logically or even educated, with an educated opinion of this financial system.

[565] But if you looked at it logically and you step back and you saw, well, okay, this 1 % has all this money, but how much access to information is there?

[566] Oh, it's not totally transparent yet.

[567] Hmm.

[568] Well, when it becomes transparent, these 99 % are going to realize how these 1 % got so much fucking money.

[569] And they're going to go, whoa, you can't do that.

[570] And then everyone's going to agree, yeah, they can't do that, right?

[571] No, they can't do that.

[572] Jesus, fucking Christ.

[573] Who let them do that?

[574] That's when there's 100 % accountability.

[575] When you're going to be able to be, you're absolutely sure what someone has and hasn't done.

[576] That's coming.

[577] You think so?

[578] I don't think they'll ever be the transparency where you can see the I think that's going to workings of the 1 % I think it's gonna I think I think they've got they've mastered the game they've got you know the houses in Switzerland or wherever the fuck they live and but I think technology is the the biggest fear to that the biggest ride on the building on a helicopter pad you don't have to you know even be in an elevator with the underclasses but what I'm saying is I don't think they're going to be able to maintain it anymore because like where is your money where is it is there is there a box that you can go to.

[579] No, it's all ones and zeros on computers now.

[580] Your money is essentially just a confidence game.

[581] It's like, what do you have to, the things that you bought with that money, but that money is just like sitting somewhere.

[582] Like, it's either in stacked in bills, which is equally weird.

[583] You give a bunch of notes and that's your money.

[584] What happens if it burns?

[585] You don't have nothing?

[586] Where's the value?

[587] Like, what is this?

[588] You can't replace them?

[589] Say, hey, I burnt my one million notes.

[590] Can you give me new notes?

[591] You don't have.

[592] You don't have have them numbered off, like a fucking hotel key that you lose?

[593] Is that it?

[594] You don't have a Scrooge duck room where you roll around in your gold coins?

[595] A Scrooge duck?

[596] I was Joe Rogan.

[597] I'd have a room.

[598] Just a little, you know, just a couple grand you could go roll around.

[599] Make it rain on yourself?

[600] I think the more information comes out, the more access, the more control the average person has over their own domain, the less likely you're going to have 1 % of the people with most of the wealth.

[601] It doesn't make any sense.

[602] It doesn't seem like that's not how the people would let it be.

[603] They would figure out a way around that.

[604] Like that seems like that's obviously someone's exploited the system and they've made it a non -fair competition.

[605] Like this isn't like an even exchange anymore.

[606] You're getting this insane amount of revenue as opposed to the rest of the population.

[607] If you look at like this massive group of bankers and industrialists, this is an insane amount of money.

[608] There's only 50 of you fuckheads.

[609] Like, hold on.

[610] And you all party together and wife swap and you fucking key parties and shit.

[611] They're like Air Force pilots.

[612] They're out there just flying until they run out of gas, going full gangster, making billions like that Bernie Madoff cocksucker.

[613] When they, when they snag that good dude.

[614] Like fighter pilots.

[615] Yeah, they're like fucking full gangster right now.

[616] They know that as soon as like there's some wiki leaks for the whole world, as soon as everything, like it's full 100 % transparency.

[617] and then ultimately voting on the internet.

[618] That's going to kill them all.

[619] One world government voting on the internet.

[620] No government.

[621] Voting on the internet is going to be where it's at.

[622] Because it's going to get to a point where people are going to realize that in order to keep everybody from being crazy, there has to be a balance.

[623] And until you balance it out, people are going to be crazy because there's going to be inequity.

[624] It's going to be people that are eating fucking dirt sandwiches and then people that are throwing half their food away because they're lazy and fat and they just take for granted that their food's at the store in the morning when they get up.

[625] And I think that that, until yet that balances out, there's always going to be some chaos.

[626] There's always, that has to, like, and the only way that's going to balance out is if everybody has free access to resources.

[627] It's like a non -capitalist idea.

[628] It's a stupid idea.

[629] Because the reason why capitalism works is because it rewards effort.

[630] And effort is what creates things.

[631] You know, the harder you work, the more reward you get, the more you become a baller.

[632] But the problem is, a lot of those ballers, they go, hmm, I like working, but I don't like working this hard.

[633] How about if I just rigged this thing, so it just continues to make me money, even though it doesn't make any sense.

[634] And no one's going to say anything because I'm a rich guy.

[635] Ready you go.

[636] And that's basically what the fuck happened.

[637] It has to be rectified.

[638] That has to be, we have to be put in a situation where the way we conduct our lives, whether it's finance or government or just behavior, the way we communicate with each other.

[639] Make sense for the information that we have in front of us in 2013.

[640] And the fucking, the stock market does not make sense.

[641] with the information that we have in front of us in 2013.

[642] It looks like a crazy, chaotic ride.

[643] People screaming at each other on the floor, and it's going up and down, and a buzzer wind rings off.

[644] You've got to stop the trades at a certain time.

[645] Like, what the fuck are you doing?

[646] What are you doing?

[647] Hollering and writing shit down and throwing paper at each other and scream.

[648] What is the system?

[649] Are you manipulating it?

[650] Are you calling it as it happens?

[651] What's it based on?

[652] Is it based on anything tangible?

[653] Is it just confidence?

[654] Is it just, can you get a bad rumor out there and crash your stock?

[655] And then everybody loses what?

[656] The fuck did you lose?

[657] What was out there?

[658] That's a crazy system.

[659] Right, and our whole system is tied to it.

[660] These guys have a bad day and we all go in the toilet.

[661] And I know those people like Joe Rogan, you don't understand the financial system.

[662] And that's the ignorance that you show on the show is disgusting.

[663] I'm so fucking tired of your pseudoscience.

[664] You're right.

[665] You're right.

[666] You're right on all accounts.

[667] Wall Street always reminds me of the Middle East.

[668] It's always a bunch of unshaven assholes yelling at the top of their lungs.

[669] I had some friends from back in Boston that went into stock markets.

[670] They went into doing that.

[671] And so they were savages, man. They were like crazy adrenaline junkie savages.

[672] And they wound up being stock market guys.

[673] They wound up being dudes on the floor screaming and yelling.

[674] What is it called?

[675] An agent?

[676] What is it called?

[677] What do they call them?

[678] A floor dude.

[679] What do they call?

[680] Dork.

[681] Traders.

[682] No, traitor?

[683] It's traitor.

[684] Trader.

[685] Right.

[686] The guys on the floor with the pay.

[687] It's a crazy system.

[688] I don't understand it.

[689] When I lived around Wall Street, there's a lot of little late night dive bars all around and all those dudes are all down there.

[690] Is there a system that could be created where money made sense, where like the finances made sense, where like I guess like as soon as a company goes public, like just that alone, the ability to buy stock in a company and bank that the company does well, and if it does well, your profit, if it doesn't know well, isn't that gambling?

[691] It seems like gambling to me, right?

[692] Is it educated gambling?

[693] It kind of is.

[694] It is, right?

[695] Yeah.

[696] How is that legal?

[697] How come the stock market's legal?

[698] Like, didn't, okay, like, here, how about Bernie Madoff?

[699] Obviously, what he did was illegal, right?

[700] But, like, why isn't that, like...

[701] Do you think he's, do you think right now every day he's gobbling balls with his asshole?

[702] Oh, yes.

[703] Gobbling balls with his asshole?

[704] I think so.

[705] I think somebody certainly paid the warden off to give...

[706] You know, stakes to the guys who...

[707] Do you think he gets fucked?

[708] Oh, I think he's just getting pounded.

[709] He fucked a lot of people.

[710] He fucked a lot of people.

[711] A lot of really wealthy people.

[712] It's amazing.

[713] And, like, children, some like children's cancer fund or something, a few really important charities and shit.

[714] Oh, yeah, yeah, he had a few...

[715] So, I mean, somebody in the...

[716] Yeah.

[717] He's connected in that jail to...

[718] Oh, yeah.

[719] Oh, I'm sure.

[720] He was a real associate.

[721] path too.

[722] That guy apparently when they arrested him, he didn't fucking crack a sweat, nothing.

[723] He's like, yep, all right, let's go.

[724] He knew it was coming.

[725] And then when they tore apart his business, they realized what he had done, he showed no remorse.

[726] He's like, I'm hungry, I need something to eat.

[727] You know, like, it was like, he was not, he slept well.

[728] He never worried about those people.

[729] The kind of intense, intense fucking pain that he caused, all of those people he stole money from.

[730] I didn't give a fuck.

[731] He was just a sociable.

[732] path, just done by this system.

[733] It's amazing that he pulled it off.

[734] That's what's amazing.

[735] What's amazing is that the system is so wonky that a guy can just pretend to have money.

[736] Right.

[737] Not really.

[738] And just fucking do this weird thing where he moves shit around.

[739] Three card Monty with millions of dollars.

[740] With their money.

[741] And look, you're rich.

[742] Now you're making more money.

[743] This is incredible.

[744] I am making more money.

[745] The more money you keep in, the more money you make.

[746] I'll just tell you that right now.

[747] Okay.

[748] Okay.

[749] You're going to fucking push it all in.

[750] And so all of a sudden, this asshole disappears on you.

[751] or or winds up on CNN and you're like fuck no we were going to play tennis on Thursday you know there had to be at least one dude who is suspicious like man I think this dude's a crook they had to be one dude but he was just getting those those monthly checks and he's like it looks good looks good here looks good just looking at those numbers like look I'm making money here I mean I just long as I keep my money in play I'm making money I'm just gonna honey listen if we push all of our life savings together we go in for two years as to a 25 % return rate which is what I've been getting and all of a sudden CNN that ugly cunt walking across the floor of the courthouse and you're like no how can that guy get away with that obviously he didn't get away with it but how did he do it for so long what kind of system do you have the system is crazy you need a new goddamn system I agree what to do what to do Tom Rhodes as a world traveler what to do because you're the guy what do we do I know my thoughts are childish man I think you know the invention of pockets ruined everything I think we were happy when we're just naked running around on the beach just eating fruit and fucking you know what I think and then when somebody invented pockets and I'm gonna look at that shiny shell and oh look a pretty rock and then you start getting all these objects in your pocket then you start trading with other people and then like somebody invents a paper money and oh my god then it you know i think you're right fucking pockets i think it's ruined everything man i think you're right but i also think it's just a stage we just have to get used to this this this level of existence you just have to get used to it pockets are a stage yeah you used to material you have to get used to managing your obsession with material objects you know but it could be managed it's still better to have them still way better to have it's way better that's what i like about traveling and not living anywhere as I accumulate a lot less shit.

[752] Oh, yeah.

[753] I just don't buy.

[754] I mean, I have my essentials, you know, and the things I have, they're the best, you know.

[755] You don't ever have, you don't have a home base.

[756] No. So you literally, you don't have a place where you recharge for a week a year and just...

[757] No, and I get my mail sent somewhere.

[758] You get it said somewhere?

[759] Yeah, yeah.

[760] So you're just hoteling it, everywhere you go.

[761] All the time, yeah, well, it depends where I'm at, you know.

[762] When my sister was going through cancer treatments i've you know brought our family closer together i went to florida more often uh you know last summer i did two months all over europe and then i had a week off and rented an apartment in rome so uh and then last november i finished a month in asia and uh me and my wife went to bali for like two weeks so it depends where we're at well i like going to new orleans a lot like going to austin a lot you know so do you just do you book yourself do you have yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you do everything yourself now everything oh wow Wow.

[763] So you don't use an agent or anything?

[764] That's so smart.

[765] At this point, why would you?

[766] Well, and they didn't forge the relationships with the international people.

[767] I mean, I went to those places.

[768] So I mean, why let some guy send an email and get 10%, you know?

[769] Right.

[770] And then I've been doing all my own stuff in the States for like the last five years.

[771] Are you trying to do things other than stand -up?

[772] You're just kind of trying to concentrate on stand -up.

[773] You know, I've got a podcast.

[774] I'm trying, I'm shooting videos all the time.

[775] You know, I was trying to sell this comedy travel.

[776] show idea.

[777] Yeah.

[778] Now I've heard, you know, some kind of things similar to that are being made and stuff.

[779] So I don't know.

[780] I'm just, I'm just, I'm just trying to make as much art right as I can while I'm alive, you know, I just fucking jokes, videos, podcasts.

[781] I want to, uh, I've been, you know, writing for the Huffington Post, like travel stuff, but I want to get my, I got great stories.

[782] I mean, you know, the Puerto Rican honeypot.

[783] That's a good story, baby.

[784] So I want to get a book together You know I'm just a one -man comedy art machine And I'm just trying to fucking You know Are you going to store your book in the cloud Are you going to have it on you at all times You're going to store it in the cloud What do you mean On your computer You know when you send things up to the cloud Because I mean that's more appropriate Your idea should be out there On a server somewhere Where you're roaming across Where everybody can The countryside No it's not everybody can They're password protected You'd actually have a hard card Like some laptops, they don't have much storage on them.

[785] Right.

[786] Like a lot of things, people are storing, they're actually pulling deep down from the cloud.

[787] Which the problem with that is that you have to have an internet connection.

[788] No, and that's the thing.

[789] I got, I got, I got, me and my, oh, she's a photographer.

[790] We both have extra hard drives.

[791] We got, you know.

[792] Right.

[793] I got, like, three hard drives to travel with and just whip stuff on it and, you know, that we're filming and recording and everything.

[794] Before the big asteroid hit, everyone probably had their shit on the cloud, and that's why they're having that much fucking.

[795] I wouldn't trust putting something up on those.

[796] No, it's the best recipe for disaster.

[797] I mean, paper's a pretty good recipe for disaster, too.

[798] Yeah.

[799] I mean, even the oldest versions of the Bible, the Dead Sea Scrolls that were actually written on animal skins, like they have like little pieces of shit they try to piece together because it doesn't last.

[800] And that's only like four or five thousand years old or four thousand, something around there.

[801] I think maybe even a little older.

[802] But, I mean, think about how long, how long would a book last?

[803] It probably wouldn't even last as long as a piece of leather, you know?

[804] A piece of leather that you're writing on probably lasts longer than a book does.

[805] So, like, I mean, how many, you know, how many years would a book last?

[806] We've got to go back to Rock.

[807] And what the fuck you're going to do with little tiny, you know, SD cards?

[808] You know, you get an SD card, and that's where you're storing all your shit.

[809] You know, like, who's going to the future they're going to find that?

[810] What the fuck is this?

[811] Yeah, I wonder what that is now for us, like, arrowheads?

[812] We're like, what the fuck is this thing?

[813] Did you imagine if it was, like, some avatar shit?

[814] Like, not only was it in Arrowhead, it was also like you put it on the right stone, and it would glow, and you'd get tuned into Mother Gaia.

[815] And most Arrowheads just had porn on it.

[816] Teradacca's getting fucked by chicks.

[817] That movie Avatar was so, that movie Avatar was so fascinating to me, not just because I love the movie, but because of all those people that got Avatar depression.

[818] Oh, yeah, living up in the thing.

[819] No, the people who watched it, they got Avatar Depression because they wished.

[820] their life was as noble and real as the Navi.

[821] Wow.

[822] Yeah.

[823] It was really fascinating because it was like a condition that was getting repeatedly diagnosed.

[824] They were calling it Avatar depression.

[825] And half tongue and cheek, but half not.

[826] I think that's just a brilliant marketing move for the Blu -ray release of Avatar.

[827] You might be right.

[828] Yeah, that's probably just some marketing bullshit.

[829] Brian thinks so well as far as overcoming, like, obvious fakes on the internet.

[830] He's like the master at spotting bullshit on the I've never met anybody who's got I don't think we're ever right Any of us have ever right all the time But you are like It's sort of like videos or pictures You're like 99 % right Well you know what I've been finding out a lot lately Is a new one And I don't know if this is mostly Probably just based in Los Angeles But there's these guys that go to parties That act like normal people But they have to do something like All right Like I know somebody that got hired Yeah I know somebody that got hired to go You're meth head And you need to go to go to the bathroom like every five minutes and just make it be obvious at the party and you just kind of be normal but just kind of like be sweaty and stuff like they just invite like situations to parties like this oh that's hilarious yeah so it's like a gig for actors it's a gig for actors yeah that's great could you imagine have a party and some asshole hires a comic or an actor to come over and pretend that he's a meth head and he keeps like slamming your bathroom door and putting on a show and he's actually getting paid to do that.

[831] But you know the guy and he's not a really good actor.

[832] He had he halfway commits.

[833] And you're like, what are you doing, man?

[834] Dude, you got to sell the scene.

[835] You got to say, you got to believe it.

[836] You got to believe you're the meth guy.

[837] You're not doing meth right now, man. You're not.

[838] I don't know.

[839] I'm fucking crazy.

[840] No. No, you're not.

[841] There was also a guy that does like overly gay at party where he's just super, super gay.

[842] And he's a real gay guy, but he does overly gay.

[843] And they rent them out.

[844] You can have a super gay friend.

[845] It's just the spice up parties.

[846] Because, you know, like, some parties are just like, oh, we're all just getting out of great.

[847] That's what people who don't have comedy have to do things like they need to, they need to hire colorful characters in that way.

[848] It's hard to find a good conversation out there in America.

[849] It's hard.

[850] You know, you could luck upon the wrong fucking little corner of the world and be stuck on this little circular, what are those things called?

[851] At the end of driveways, at the end of a road.

[852] A cul -de -sac.

[853] You can be caught a cul -de -sac with two boring, motherfuckers and they just i was caught in a cold sack with two dummies two dummies and one really nice guy who was strange but two just straight dummies i had this guy who had a dog okay and his dog was like this creepy dog that was always out he didn't really have a fence he had a sort of little fence but there was a hill so the dog could go up the hill and around the fence it was no fence it was bullshit you know and his dog was creepy like you go out the dog would growl at you and shit and he bit bit somebody was over the guy's house he was painting and so i love dogs i mean i fucking love dogs i've had dogs my whole life so when i think a dog is creepy it's because i know it's erratic you know it's not i i have a deep love for dogs so i went to this dude's house and i'm like hey um i go the dog i go he's he's not just getting out man i go he's like really being aggressive and he's growled like maybe want like want to look into this and so he goes yeah your your dog got out and attacked me he just makes up a story about my dog getting out and attacking him i'm like yeah are you okay like what happened my dog dog's 90, he was 90 pounds.

[854] A 90 pound dog that wants to attack you, it was a pit bull that wants to attack you.

[855] That's, you're not going to, you're not going to survive that.

[856] And if you do survive that, you're going to be horribly torn apart.

[857] I mean, you might be able to get to a fence and shut it.

[858] I don't think he's going to let go.

[859] I think he's going to just tear you apart.

[860] I really don't see you surviving that.

[861] So when you, you're a fat guy who smoked cigarettes and you're telling me my dog attacked you and you held him down by his neck.

[862] This guy was telling me, I held him down by his neck until he calmed down.

[863] I go, oh, he calmed down.

[864] would that take a year you're gonna hold a pit bull down by the neck and they're gonna calm down do you know anything about dogs do you have your fucking mind like this is the dumbest story ever but I got sad because I was like this guy is this is his reality his reality is instead of dealing with his problems and like going hey you know we gotta put this crazy dog down this dog's gonna bite somebody his dog's creepy something's wrong with our dog instead of that he's just putting blinders on and making up stories and that's you could you could be that guy You could be putting blinders on and making up stories Anybody could be that guy Make up your reality as it's going on So that was my fucking neighbor And I'd see that fucking dummy every day And you'd ask me stupid questions about stupid shit That's why you never talk to your neighbors man I do not follow those rules I live next to these two goth fencer guys That go to like Renaissance festivals And like they seem like nice people But I don't want to go in that world I don't want them to now like knock on my door went and just like hey what are you doing brian i don't want any of that i don't want any conversations with anybody yeah i i moved into my house 10 years ago and my neighbor like the moment i moved in they started sending these notices that they wanted me to cut my trees down they wanted me to cut my tree so that they could see like some lights in the distance you know from behind you know like where i guess if you see through my trees you can see some lights they wanted me to chop the trees down like just right when i move in not not here's a cupcake that my wife baked welcome to the neighborhood you know hey we're going to be sharing space together on this planet i'd like to shake your hand and say you know you ever need to borrow a cup of sugar ha ha ha i'm right over here that would be nice right no instead of this dickhead wants to bring me in front of some homeowners associate but reason why one of the reasons why i bought the house is the beautiful trees i love trees That's what I want to chop them down so he could see the lights in the distance.

[865] I know when I do finally find where I want to live, there ain't going to be no homeowners association.

[866] All they have homeowners associations are always pain in the assholes.

[867] They try to tell my friend that he couldn't put solar up in his yard.

[868] And he was like, why can't I put solar up in my yard?

[869] And they, you know, say like, oh, it's unsightly and this, that.

[870] But there's a California state law that says that homeowners associations cannot stop you from putting up solar power.

[871] If you're a smart person, you have the shekels, which I'm not smart because I haven't done it, but if you're not having your house hooked up solar in California, that's the greatest resource we have.

[872] We're so low on resources here, except for sunlight.

[873] Sunlight, we have a massive abundance of, and you could power your whole fucking house easy -peasy with solar.

[874] In this country, or in this state, rather, it's so easy.

[875] You know, if you're in Seattle, it's going to be a bitch.

[876] But, you know what I found?

[877] When you're in Seattle, we were in the fucking woods, man, and this dude had solar panels on the roof of his car, and it's raining, and it's gloomy and dreary.

[878] The solar panels still pull solar power.

[879] Even when it's gloomy, even in Seattle, they're still pulling and charging his batteries, and he was watching TV.

[880] It's fucking crazy.

[881] Awesome.

[882] I mean, that's, we've been hoodwinked, you know, into thinking that that's not a good way to get your energy, especially around here it's the best way to get your energy i had a uh pot growing friend who used to live in yucaya yucaya yucaya is amazing it's like an hour north of san francisco mendicino county looks like switzerland up there beautiful and uh this guy loved weed so much he had his own pot farm but he uh you know the DEA would they look for big patches he he would plant them in little bunches right along tree lines and he he loved weed so much he got out there with a shovel and Doug put in a sprinkler system where it was timed and you know and he was totally living off the grid he had you know big things that caught rainwater you know whatever and then he had solar panels on his roof guy who completely lived off the grid and everything wow and he had a heart attack and died like two years ago out there yeah good that's a good way to go well yeah I mean I missed yeah I mean he was it's a good way to go the guys living off the grid living like a man collecting rainwater and you know what I mean if you're going to go out there in the wilderness where it's beautiful and you're with nature and you pass on to the next dimension that's that's a good way to do it that's good I was selfishly missed my friend and when I would visit him he'd give me like a pound of weed and I would drive back to Los Angeles with my cruise control set on 54 everybody everybody can pass me there I'm going 54 right here so terrifying when you've got weed in your car and you're driving oh that's a terrifying feeling and we're so it's so lax here in california i have friends that you know live in california but then they do gigs other places and they'll forget like if you get busted with weed in texas right they arrested willie nelson right you know willie fucking nelson right they're state icon yeah that guy might as well be your grandfather you're gonna arrest your grandfather because he likes to get high wow that's the dumbest shit i've ever heard that's the dumbest use of serve and protect ever that he's fucking crazy that Willie?

[883] He's out there smoking a lot.

[884] He might write some more great songs.

[885] He might be out there playing that guitar to those fucking hippies.

[886] But Willie's anti -all -other drugs.

[887] The people that work for him, there's the saying among people that work for Willie, if you're wired, you're fired.

[888] He doesn't tolerate any chemicals and shit.

[889] Well, those types...

[890] He's a weed guy.

[891] But those type of like speed dudes are a nightmare.

[892] Speed people are a nightmare.

[893] Right.

[894] Especially because their sense of judgment gets whacked out.

[895] That's one of the reasons why they get caught.

[896] They caught this guy who was a lawyer.

[897] It was in Esquire or GQ, one of those manly men magazines where it's okay to read it.

[898] And this dude was a lawyer.

[899] And then he did something with meth.

[900] And maybe it was based on a client that he was working with, taught him how to make meth.

[901] And then the guy just was making buckets of it in his basement.

[902] He just, like, he was nuts.

[903] And, you know, the cops eventually came over his house and found all this meth in his basement.

[904] They're like, why was he?

[905] He's acting so crazy.

[906] Like, everybody knew something had to be going on.

[907] The guy had zero, like, his ability to make judgment calls was gone.

[908] So you would never want to go like that.

[909] Cutting the grass, four in the morning, things like that.

[910] If you're an old hippie, Willie Nelson with your gray ponytail, and you're sitting out there trying to write a song, and you've got this dude working for you, and he's bouncing off the fucking walls and climbing trees and shit.

[911] You know how it's a nightmare that would be?

[912] Yeah.

[913] That's some zombie shit.

[914] Meth is a scary one.

[915] Have you ever known anybody?

[916] Um, I'm older people that had kicked it and told me that they had done it.

[917] No, I, no, no, it's, yeah, that's, I knew a few people.

[918] Really?

[919] That seems, seems nasty.

[920] And then it's funny when you travel around America in the rural areas on the side of barns, there's advertising, you know, like, meth destroys families and lives and, like, and even, like, above gas pumps.

[921] Like, you drive to the Middle America, there's just these, so apparently Middle America is just meth, crazy.

[922] Yeah, there's a real problem with rural areas.

[923] where there's nothing to do yeah let's stay up all night i think it's one of those why not learn a language play chess i think it's one of those drugs so many things you could be doing it's really hard to let go i think once it gets you it's gotcha and like you're gonna need some of like real physical detoxification they're gonna need to give you an IV make sure you're not dehydrated like you could you could get your body gets wrecked because you just redlining So when you finally get off of your body, he's just like, oh, my God.

[924] He just burnt it, cooked it.

[925] You ever been anybody that used to do, like, wasn't into math, and then started doing math?

[926] No. I've met a couple of people, and they lose, like, a good percentage of their ability to, like, be a normal person.

[927] They miss a chunk, and they're always going to be a little wacky, just a little wacky.

[928] some dudes get through it fun there's a few MMA fighters that had math problems and then had like real issues with it and then like almost died and then became incredibly disciplined because they had like been to the edge.

[929] Right.

[930] And then pulling themselves out of that and then recognizing that they have a problem and they're turning their life around, beat the dragon completely so now they resolved and like never be defeated again.

[931] It's like some of the toughest guys in the in MMA are like that.

[932] There's a few guys that had like Cort McGee who who won the ultimate fighter.

[933] He had a, like, real substance abuse problem.

[934] He was actually brought back.

[935] He was resuscitated.

[936] Wow.

[937] When was the last time you ever heard about that from weed?

[938] Dude ate a pot brownie and died.

[939] Right.

[940] You know, no. But we just accept that a certain amount of people.

[941] Guy hit a pot brownie and really enjoyed Spider -Man 3?

[942] The best sex ever.

[943] If you haven't fucked on pot cookies or pot edibles, you really don't even know what sex feels like.

[944] it's like the same thing between eating an ice cream sunday high and eating in ice cream sunday sober such a completely different experience like completely totally different but but sex and pot cookies just cranks the whole thing up wop bwop every sense just firing crackle and you're freaking out can you believe you're alive you're weirded out by sex in the first place are we making a baby what's going on here you were a talk show host in Amsterdam when everything was illegal here but everything was legal there what the was that like i cried myself to sleep every night it was terrible joe you know tom and i have been friends for a long time we we first i knew about you but i didn't meet you until we did a thing um in new york when we were both on tv at the same time you had the tom road show and i had that news radio thing but it was like right away i can tell you were like a real comic like right we had like a few we had a few words back and forth and back and forth.

[945] I'm like, this mother, this is a real comic.

[946] And then after the show, you know, a couple years later, hey, you hear Tom Rhodes is doing a fucking talk show over in Holland, in Amsterdam, and he's not even doing it as Tom Rhodes.

[947] He's like playing a character.

[948] And we're like, that sounds like Tom Rose.

[949] That sounds like something Tom Rhodes would do.

[950] Just fucking out there doing it.

[951] Just out there, gangster style.

[952] It was awesome, man. That was like one of the best experiences of my life.

[953] What was it called again?

[954] What was the name?

[955] Well, it was the Kevin Masters show at first.

[956] And nobody, they didn't, any magazine newspaper interview I did, they would say, why is it Kevin Masters?

[957] Who's Kevin Masters?

[958] And I would always say, I don't know.

[959] They came up with the idea, we're going to get an American, we're going to do this, like, American late -night talk show, and we're going to call him Kevin Masters.

[960] So did they ask you to stick with that name?

[961] Well, no, because I never went along with it.

[962] I would never, whenever anybody would say, Kevin, I would say my name's Tom.

[963] I never, I, yeah, I spent my whole career trying to establish my name.

[964] I'm not going to fucking.

[965] Right.

[966] So that's like, so it was silly.

[967] So then seasons two and three, it was Kevin Masters starring Tom Rhodes.

[968] Oh, well, that's nice.

[969] So at least they gave me the starring thing.

[970] But it was, it was, you know, once in a lifetime experience.

[971] That would be like one up to, I had moved there for this girl, this love story.

[972] And I was playing in Europe a lot, primarily London.

[973] I was, you know, flying back and forth to London every other weekend.

[974] and all the gigs all over Europe and it didn't work out with this girl but I had fallen in love with Holland and Europe and I got this amazing television you know do you want to stay and post your own show and I grew up watching Carson and Letterman and you know to be that guy coming out from behind the curtain in the $3 ,000 suit and then you stand on the X and you get to do your little five -minute monologue then you walk to the desk and you banter with your musical host which I had one A little hip -hop guy named E -Life.

[975] And then you do a skit.

[976] You see an iPhone app?

[977] It could be.

[978] You know, you do a skit, and then first guest.

[979] And then my favorite part of the show, every episode I would get to make a five -minute film where I would experience something of Dutch culture.

[980] One day I spent on a Dutch farm with a farmer, and I walked into an electric fence.

[981] He said, look out for the electric fence in Dutch, but I don't speak Dutch.

[982] So, you know, seemingly somebody get electrocuted.

[983] It's hilarious.

[984] How does it hurt?

[985] It's not that bad.

[986] Can I cook your dick off?

[987] No, but it makes you jump like a mofo.

[988] I heard of literally cook your dick off.

[989] But I got to do all these things.

[990] I got a tour of the, you know, the Red Light District and the sex laws were explained to me. I was given a tour of gay Amsterdam by the guy that does the gay parade.

[991] I got to cover the prime minister debates.

[992] life strikers to bots and I was on the floor with a press badge and a microphone and I'm talking to their most powerful their most important political leaders where like I couldn't even meet the governor of my state and in the United States yeah unless you were lucky you were standing next to the really cool moments you know tenacious D came over and I filmed a great one of the that five minute film I gave them a tour of Amsterdam that's on YouTube oh wow showing tenacious D around you know what else on YouTube there's a video I think it's on live leak, actually.

[993] Brian, tell me if this is real.

[994] These two dudes, they piss on an electric fence, and they both get electrocuted at the same time.

[995] Oh, yeah.

[996] Have you seen it?

[997] Yeah, that's totally real.

[998] Pull that up.

[999] Because you think it's funny watching a dude walk into an electric fence.

[1000] Check out what it looks like when two dudes pissed on an electric fence at the same time.

[1001] That shit hurts so bad, touching out.

[1002] Wow.

[1003] It is ridiculous.

[1004] It's hilarious.

[1005] I didn't know what would happen.

[1006] I wonder.

[1007] I wonder if the dicks are okay.

[1008] Probably not, right?

[1009] I imagine the amount of force that goes through your car.

[1010] I wouldn't even chance that one.

[1011] What if it makes your dick numb forever?

[1012] You shouldn't do things that, like, tamper with the performance of your nop.

[1013] That's what I'm talking about.

[1014] Don't piss on electric fences.

[1015] No tattoos, no piercings, no dickpills?

[1016] Yeah, those dudes that split their dick, that's...

[1017] Ooh, oh, my God.

[1018] It looks like one of those hot dogs you put on a Weber.

[1019] A microwave hot dog?

[1020] Microwave.

[1021] No, microwave hot dogs just explode.

[1022] It's when you split them.

[1023] You know, you split, like, for people like hot dog sandwiches.

[1024] Like, that was more like a backy.

[1025] sort of a thing you know you'd get okay here it is watch this stupid fucks they both get oh i got a piss on something dudes have to go somewhere and piss you ever notice that when they piss they don't just they don't just like pull their pants down and piss on the ground they have to find something it's a mill thing totally yeah this is a military fence too so i'm sure look at this pop oh god damn it oh my god oh my god that's only one guy there's another one with look at this see right through the stream hits the electrical that's a faint yeah he fell like a tree that's like a treat that's like a dude fell like a treat hey man what the fuck makes people faint I was having this conversation the other day with a friend what is it what is it that makes people faint you know any idea the Beatles Elvis's cock what is the mechanism is it supposed to protect you from something like what do you why do people faint well goats the fainting goats I don't know if you know about those where I think is used as a, as of what you just said.

[1026] Defense mechanism?

[1027] Yeah, defense mechanism.

[1028] What kind of defense mechanism is that?

[1029] I think it's something to like, maybe blood running too fast to, you know, your heart or something like, you know what I mean?

[1030] Like, it might be something like that.

[1031] It seems like if something was trying to eat you and you just fall down and play dead, that's a terrible strategy.

[1032] But what the fuck do I know nature?

[1033] You know?

[1034] You either want to made the platypus nature.

[1035] Why did you get, what guy were you talking to about fainting with?

[1036] was he making you know this i get a girl that i dated a long time ago had a real problem with needles um where she would see a needle in a movie and she would just pass out and um i was like i was like trying to figure i go does something happen to you like what you know like what was it well no she apparently uh when she was young she had some sort of a really bad infection and they had to give her a bunch of shots like a bunch of shots and apparently it just hurt like hell and it just traumatized her but then she told me that her dad was a doctor and her dad would faint oh her dad had like a fainting thing he was a dentist actually but he would faint like he would see his son his son had like blisters on his face because he uh he was out in the sun his sunburn he was sunburned so bad that he started getting like these little blisters on his face the father saw it just falls down and passes out wow that'd be hard to be a dentist and not be able to give a shot.

[1037] But I guess it's it has to do with it being his son and he couldn't take it because it was his kid and you know the love that he has for his boy and he sees him hurt and damage and he freaks out and just like this is too much and just completely checks out.

[1038] I want to give a shout out to my dentist Dr. Pellerin.

[1039] The man just retired.

[1040] He's been our little family dentist in our in Florida for years.

[1041] Oh that's great.

[1042] This guy could give a shot.

[1043] Oh my god.

[1044] You know how to sleep.

[1045] I know.

[1046] Just an artist The way it didn't hurt And now this A person who's replaced him Bruteless Not as good It's a jabby Ha ha ha ha ha Right Yeah, it's fucking terrible They're all jabby With that fucking needle I Did you see this shit About these storm chasers That could caught in that hurricane Or the tornado rather I think I saw something for Flash second There are those dudes That were on that show Storm chasers Oh they got killed Oh they got killed By a tornado Wow Yeah Well, that's kind of Steve Irwin, isn't it?

[1047] A little bit, but no, because what these guys were doing was measuring the velocity of the wind and how far it takes.

[1048] Like, they were recording data that can help people.

[1049] Yes and no. I mean, I think you have to be here on the ground.

[1050] You got to be right up on it with the litmus.

[1051] To register, like, the speed of the wind and shit like that, I think, like, it varies in, you know, like wherever you are from close to far.

[1052] And I think they make those calculations based on a lot of data that they take in the field.

[1053] As far as I know, there's a great benefit to doing it like that.

[1054] Wow.

[1055] That Oklahoma City thing, that was amazing.

[1056] I was in New Zealand when that happened.

[1057] It was just like, you know, as the story was unfolding.

[1058] It's insane.

[1059] It's amazing how, you know, news goes around the world instantly.

[1060] But, you know, like a mile wide path ripping through the city, just the devastation.

[1061] It's insane.

[1062] Do you remember Joplin, Missouri?

[1063] Oh, yeah.

[1064] God, that one got wiped out.

[1065] It's like literally didn't exist anymore.

[1066] Right.

[1067] And if you look at it.

[1068] Right, that was an older town, too.

[1069] I had passed through, I used to, when I did the road, I drove through Joplin a few times.

[1070] And it was like a brush, like a mile wide brush, just like a big horsehair brush, just just scrubbed it right off the face of the world.

[1071] It's just, it's an incredible thing that the wind under certain conditions can reach that kind of a frenzy, you know, it's really, it's, it's, it's so shocking.

[1072] Like our calm world that we live in for the most part is, it's so different than what happens when a fucking tornado comes.

[1073] It's just so hard for us to wrap our heads around it.

[1074] Fuck tornadoes.

[1075] Dude, did you ever see the one?

[1076] He said it.

[1077] Do you ever see the one from Dallas where it's throwing semis in the air?

[1078] Semis are spinning around in a circle like leaves.

[1079] Wow.

[1080] It's insane.

[1081] They're just flying through the air.

[1082] 18 wheelers just flying through the air.

[1083] It's throwing around trucks.

[1084] It doesn't even drop them.

[1085] It's just spinning them around.

[1086] It's like a goddamn movie.

[1087] Like that Twister movie?

[1088] Twister.

[1089] What's her name?

[1090] A wet t -shirt on the scene.

[1091] Ellen Hunt.

[1092] That was it.

[1093] That was the thing about New Zealand that I really enjoyed.

[1094] They were really, there's a nice filter of, of negative news they don't get in New Zealand.

[1095] They don't get all the.

[1096] Like the Middle East doesn't even exist in their news.

[1097] You don't hear any stories about Syria or Israel?

[1098] You know, in the United States, it's always shootings and bombings and disasters.

[1099] In New Zealand, the newspaper was like, a sheep got in the road.

[1100] Would you interview at Kim .com?

[1101] Were you there when you interviewed him?

[1102] So you interviewed him in person?

[1103] Yes.

[1104] I want to meet that guy.

[1105] He's a fascinating guy.

[1106] You would love the guy, and you should listen to the conversation I did with him.

[1107] He's really articulate.

[1108] Oh, I bet.

[1109] And the guy's really funny, too.

[1110] He's got a great sense of humor.

[1111] it was remarkable I did the NPR of New Zealand Radio New Zealand and the woman asked me what would you like to do while you're in New Zealand and I said I'd like to meet Kim .com and a few hours later he followed me back on Twitter and I looked at his Twitter thing and he had an email and I sent him a nice email and said I'd like to do chat with I think he's a really fascinating guy and he's really portrayed in the American media as just like kind of, you know, bond villain, you know, bad person.

[1112] But I think the guy manipulated the strengths of the tools he was working with when the internet came on.

[1113] And he's the reason a lot of rules were put into place.

[1114] He, you know what?

[1115] He totally straightened me out because I had the misconception that I thought the website mega upload that he made all the money from.

[1116] I thought, oh, that's like the Napster of movies or something.

[1117] you know i'd never use it i didn't know what it was um and he he corrected me he said no they they never had a search uh engine thing you couldn't type in avatar and find avatar whereas the the napster you could search search in metallica zeppelin and then get all the stuff right so um they never had that it was people sharing files like kind of dropbox or something right you know and he didn't you know know what was uh people were were trading or sharing and uh he's a fascinating any guy, man. I send him an email.

[1118] He invites me to his mansion.

[1119] And it was on the last day I was there.

[1120] So, you know, I was from from his house to the airport.

[1121] I only got to talk to him for an hour, but just wonderful man invites me into his home.

[1122] And just, you know, the guy is, I think he's kind of like an internet visionary.

[1123] He's got a lot of great thoughts about where the internet's going.

[1124] And, you know, in the United States is trying to extradite him.

[1125] Are they really?

[1126] Yeah.

[1127] What is the charge?

[1128] Piracy, I guess.

[1129] Does he have, like, the best DVR ever, like, hey, do you want to watch, like, all these homemade porns from every single person that's ever uploaded this on Mega Upload?

[1130] Which is what?

[1131] I was only there an hour.

[1132] I didn't get to see the upstairs.

[1133] Those aren't going to be good.

[1134] They're going to be fat dudes with their tongue out and their cock right in front of the lens.

[1135] That's what we're going to see if you tune into people's.

[1136] No, I don't think you know.

[1137] He's got a beautiful wife.

[1138] He's got, like, five kids.

[1139] He's a gamer, man. He loves games and...

[1140] I bet he has some great movies, though.

[1141] I was a fan of his way back in the day.

[1142] He had a really cool website.

[1143] He was, like, one of the first guys that had, like, this really, like, high -level personal website, and it was all...

[1144] Like, he had an animated feature.

[1145] I think it was Milosevic.

[1146] Who was the evil guy?

[1147] Melosovitch, yeah.

[1148] Yeah, I think it was him that he was killing in his...

[1149] in his cartoon that he had on his website.

[1150] Like, it was, like, all flash animated, like, really badass.

[1151] What was it called?

[1152] I forget.

[1153] Strong bad.

[1154] It was Kim .com.

[1155] I don't even know if he was calling himself Kim .com back then.

[1156] I think it was, he was just calling himself Kim.

[1157] But his website was like genius.

[1158] It was like really high -level shit.

[1159] My friend Andrew turned me onto it.

[1160] He was like, you got to look at this guy's website.

[1161] Like this guy's website is on another level.

[1162] And I went to and I was like, whoa.

[1163] Right.

[1164] He was on top of the internet game from the beginning.

[1165] This is like late 90s, I think.

[1166] maybe yeah maybe 2000 at the most so it was a fascinating fucking website back then so this guy's like been at the front line of the internet for a long ass time that was when he was doing like hacker he was a hacker and then he went into security and he was doing like security for big companies that's what he said he got busted and then he got hired by like 18 his his story's fascinating you know the only thing I didn't get to ask him was who do you want to play you in the movie um He was a hacker for him first, and then he got a good call.

[1167] Then he got hired by AT &T and all these companies for him to explain, you know, the workings of their system and how someone could get in.

[1168] Yeah, I would imagine you need that if you're a fucking bank, right?

[1169] Yeah, a little.

[1170] That's what's amazing that they allow you to bank online, but you can't vote online.

[1171] That's hilarious.

[1172] It's too dangerous.

[1173] I can't ensure the veracity of this transmission.

[1174] Who dangerous?

[1175] Voting online?

[1176] Voting is too important.

[1177] But your money is more convenient.

[1178] I can't find anything about his early cartoon stuff.

[1179] Anyway, I had a great conversation with him for an hour, and he's very generous for him to do that.

[1180] And the guy loves comedy.

[1181] Pullup versus Milosevic.

[1182] I don't even know how to spell that.

[1183] And, you know, I found him very humorous and a good dude.

[1184] I enjoyed looking him in his eyes and asking him whatever I felt like.

[1185] Well, what do you think the argument is?

[1186] Do you think the argument is that people should be able to share files and that if you buy something, you should be able to put it online and other people should be able to pull it down if they want it and they'll upload something that they bought?

[1187] But as long as someone's buying the original thing and uploading it, then it's not theft.

[1188] That's what a lot of people feel.

[1189] A lot of people feel like as long as I'm not actually taking something.

[1190] Or if it was paid for once, you can share it.

[1191] Yeah, I don't know.

[1192] I think they're going to limit it as much as they possibly can.

[1193] But I don't think they'll ever, you know, with Dropbox and all these different technologies, you know, it'd be impossible to totally stop it yeah but what i'm asking is like what is his argument like you know somebody dies and i give you you my i leave you my ipad with my fucking massive music collection you know i'm not supposed to take i'm supposed to like say no i'm gonna give this back to the rca oh my god road's paid for all these songs and wow i didn't know he liked yeah fatsy kline or whatever you know why not man fucking rock that patsy kline but yeah like who's to say right who's to say what happens to it after you but i don't they'll never be able to control that for everything being paid for what's kim dot com's uh argument like does he think that things should be that way that you should be no i you know and uh this is me speaking i think you know he did he's the reason a lot of rules were put into place right so you know and now he's his his his website you know he's complying with uh business it's kind of like in New Zealand, they feel like the guy's kind of being persecuted by the American government.

[1194] He thinks, like, the Hollywood studios that backed Obama's campaign, they're the ones that want to, you know, perpetuate this and have him extradited and face charges.

[1195] And he's, you know, and if he is made an example of, then other, you know, internet, you know, hacker, whatever people, it sends a message to those people, you know?

[1196] Yeah.

[1197] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1198] I mean, they definitely do that with entertainers that get caught with not paying their taxes, like Blade.

[1199] They put him in jail.

[1200] They put Wesley Sipes in jail for three fucking years.

[1201] You know, he was trying to pay it back.

[1202] They're like, yeah, no. I mean, they didn't even say, hey, you owe us money.

[1203] And since you lost in court, now you have to pay it plus a fine.

[1204] They're like, no, we're going to take your freedom publicly for three years and lock you in a cage as you're, you know, nearing your early.

[1205] 50s.

[1206] It's not going to be so fun.

[1207] And then when you get out, we'd like all that money back, please.

[1208] Then when you get out, you've got to claw your way back.

[1209] Hmm.

[1210] And then he's a little aged as an actor, you know?

[1211] Well, they do that to a lot.

[1212] Unless he's putting on plays in the jail, he might lose his chops a little bit.

[1213] He's staying sharp.

[1214] But you should listen to my podcast with Kim .com.

[1215] How do I get it?

[1216] Is it iTunes?

[1217] It's iTunes.

[1218] Tom Rhodes Radio.

[1219] Tom Rhodes Radio.

[1220] Why did you choose that name?

[1221] Because I thought I could play whatever I wanted.

[1222] And I take like sound clips from movies and like when I talk with comedians, um, I'll put little snippets of their stand -up in there and stuff.

[1223] Do you get to run into problems doing that?

[1224] I know and I've tried, I, I don't have any commercials.

[1225] It's free.

[1226] Hmm.

[1227] Oh, okay.

[1228] So, uh, so, uh, free.

[1229] So, so, is that how it works?

[1230] Latter in, you know, that's what I did at the beginning.

[1231] And that's why I call the Tom Rhodes Radio.

[1232] But now I don't do movie clips or anything.

[1233] I just, I'll take some stand -up, um, like, you know, If somebody didn't know, like, He'dberg or something, he comes up in conversation, perfect example, you know, to do a little sliver of a couple of his jokes.

[1234] So it's just, I kind of approach it like if I was a university professor teaching a master class in comedy, you know, it's a lot of comedians, but a lot of also interesting people.

[1235] People I admire, you know, like I admired Kim .com.

[1236] I sent him a message.

[1237] I got in touch with him.

[1238] Do you edit it all yourself?

[1239] my wife helps me okay so what do you use to put everything together what's the like pro tools what do you use oh just garage band slap it all together that's fucking great anybody can do you can be your own internet mogul now you got the technology you don't have to that's the video this is from I mean I want to say like good work Brian it can't be any later than 2000 so he used to call himself Kim there it was just Kim expert Kim I don't know what is actual name is.

[1240] Kim Schmidt.

[1241] But this is him.

[1242] He was, like, something like that.

[1243] He was like a character.

[1244] He makes rap songs and dance songs.

[1245] That's the mega car.

[1246] How do you know what it was?

[1247] Yeah.

[1248] I remember this.

[1249] I don't remember this at all.

[1250] He had a whole thing.

[1251] Yeah, look, the guy gets out, he gets on a speedboat.

[1252] He's just letting you know he's a bad motherfucker.

[1253] He takes his fast car to need a faster boat.

[1254] Now I'm gone, bitch.

[1255] This is push.

[1256] I'm like, James Bond up in this motherfucker.

[1257] So he's flying around on the water in his boat.

[1258] And he presses the eject button.

[1259] So this was his, I guess, his obsession with all things mega.

[1260] Yeah, look, and he lands on the bottom of this helicopter.

[1261] Right here.

[1262] And then he lands on a building?

[1263] Microsoft.

[1264] He's having sex with the building?

[1265] He's sliding down the building.

[1266] Bill Gates.

[1267] He's going to shoot Bill Gates?

[1268] What a great idea.

[1269] Oh, my God.

[1270] Oh, my God.

[1271] Oh, my God, he guns down Bill Gates.

[1272] He guns down Bill Gates.

[1273] That's brutal.

[1274] Look how many times he's shooting him.

[1275] Damn it.

[1276] This is for Windows me. So Bill Gates is peeing on the ground.

[1277] It turns out he didn't actually shoot him, but he shot around him the word Linux.

[1278] And that's so funny.

[1279] Wow.

[1280] That's not the one that I saw.

[1281] I saw another.

[1282] I'm glad he didn't kill Bill Gates.

[1283] yeah i thought he was killing that was like that was really twisted yeah he's he these were all a long time ago this is like there was nothing like that on the internet people weren't doing on their own website it's really strange right yeah do you uh would do your um you just edit it all yourself and put it live or uh put it up on itunes but you don't do like a u stream version or anything sound cloud and uh but i mean a u stream version like you don't do a video a video sit in we um i'll take little snippet it's a video and put it on YouTube.

[1284] My YouTube channel is King of Ha ha ha.

[1285] King of Ha ha.

[1286] And, uh, it sounds like a middle of acting one.

[1287] And I, you know, like that there's a Stanhope ones.

[1288] Uh, and I, I didn't, I didn't film Kim .com.

[1289] I felt so privileged to be in the guy's house.

[1290] When I got there, I was enjoying just meeting the guy so much.

[1291] I, I actually said, we don't need to do this.

[1292] Right.

[1293] Bro, I'm just happy to meet you.

[1294] Right.

[1295] And I actually, you know, I, I was just so glad to be sitting there talking to the guy.

[1296] And then he said, no, no, no, you know um you know please you know if you want to if you want to record the act of doing a podcast makes conversations happen that might not necessarily have like like you and i okay we might go have have dinner somewhere but i might you know take a phone call you might go to take a leak you know we're not going to sit down for three hours and just drink coffee and smoke a little weed and just talk like this like it's almost like you need this vehicle of putting on a show to to get it out there you know yeah it's cool but my my my wife also she she's She films a lot.

[1297] I've filmed a lot.

[1298] So, you know, got great stuff with Stan Hope and Steve Hughes.

[1299] Do you want one a week?

[1300] Yeah.

[1301] They're coming out a little faster now.

[1302] I've got a lot of backed up episodes.

[1303] Man, that's the beautiful thing about a podcast.

[1304] All you really need, if you want to do an audio podcast especially, you just need an iPhone.

[1305] Right.

[1306] We've done ones where, Brian, what kind of editing did you have to do when I did those podcasts on a plane?

[1307] Did you have to do anything to it?

[1308] No, I just cut off the beginning and end and just.

[1309] It's amazing.

[1310] And then put commercials on?

[1311] The sound of the plane wasn't...

[1312] No, it's kind of cool.

[1313] Yeah.

[1314] It's kind of cool.

[1315] It's in the background, you know?

[1316] And then, you know, like, what I do is I'd hold the iPhone between, like, me and Joey or me and Duncan or me and Ari or Brian.

[1317] Did we ever do one, Brian?

[1318] No. No, we do podcasts on a plane?

[1319] We should have that, like, a regular episode when we do gigs, do podcasts on a plane.

[1320] Absolutely.

[1321] Yeah.

[1322] I did it.

[1323] I did the Austin Moon Tower Festival.

[1324] Was that a comedy festival?

[1325] Yeah.

[1326] It's great.

[1327] It's in Austin.

[1328] Nice.

[1329] It's a second year.

[1330] And I love Ari.

[1331] he's awesome oh my god just his face makes me happy i enjoy that guy i enjoy his company so much and i did a i sat down and i was having a great uh conversation with him for my podcast and then marron walks out uh because we were on these balconies at the hotel and then marron sits down and then it's you know comes all about man all about mary but i've got great video it didn't really that is really what happened was yeah but marron's great in the thing because i was having this great i didn't know r he had been like orthodox and that he had lived in Israel and stuff.

[1332] Oh, it's an amazing story.

[1333] I'm asking him all these things that, like, I just, you know, what's the squiggly sideburns mean?

[1334] What's the tassel on the pants thing mean?

[1335] Right, right.

[1336] What's with the big fuzzy hats?

[1337] And so Ari's like, Ari's totally knocking him down.

[1338] He's totally schooling me on all these, these questions that I had.

[1339] And then Marin comes out.

[1340] There it is.

[1341] Boom.

[1342] Did Marin think that he was supposed to be there?

[1343] I don't think Merrin knew we were recording the first, like, 20 minutes.

[1344] Oh.

[1345] So he just the conversation.

[1346] in front of a laptop and then he's probably in the groove now he's a funny cat man he's he's become a different dude it's interesting it's it's cool watching a guy finally drop some of the anger like getting success yeah yeah it's great when somebody uh yeah but he's still getting into it with people he michaelian black and him were going back and forth on twitter what were they doing oh well michaelian black was dominating marron on twitter oh really oh i don't believe that's I don't, I don't, I don't care for, uh, it's real.

[1347] They've done it before.

[1348] Yeah, Twitter slapdowns when comedians get all bitchy with each other.

[1349] It seems to be, I mean, we're the, we're the lowest rung on the show best ladder, man. It's like, don't, let's, you know, how about a little, uh, Maori brotherhood, fellas?

[1350] They could have easily been fucking around, but it just didn't seem like it.

[1351] Well, but Marin told, Merrin told, uh, a great story that I had asked him about.

[1352] It's, it's a little different the way he tells it, but the way I remembered it, um, you know, Marin had, he, he, he'd only been on comedy for a couple years.

[1353] He moves to L .A. He's a doorman at the comedy store.

[1354] He's living at the comedy store house.

[1355] And Kinnison is massive at the time.

[1356] And Kinnison liked to come by and party and everything.

[1357] And Marin's like, you know, only been on comedy for a couple years.

[1358] And he went to pick up a college friend of his at the airport.

[1359] And he comes back to the house.

[1360] And he comes in.

[1361] And Kinnison is standing on his bed pissing.

[1362] And Maren turns to his buddy.

[1363] And he goes, I told you, I knew him.

[1364] oh god what man i heard it kissing a real piece of shit he was a bad dude by the way um i got to remember this uh to say this uh rie shafir's new comedy central show the online version of it um he uh has a new thing that comedy central studios is doing online it's called this is not happening and he just released the first one today it's uh t j miller has a seizure i watched it it's brilliant especially the opening part of it there's like this he has this animated thing pull it up brian it's uh it's on the comedy central uh page on youtube which is just comedy central and um it's this is not happening t j miller has a seizure this is not happening just see the the beginning the opening uh animated uh video whoever did it is a bad motherfucker because it looks really cool and they decided to do it it looks like they did it in a strip club looks like they did it in like one of those yeah it's a it's a cheetahs Oh, is it cheetahs?

[1365] Where in Atlanta?

[1366] No, no, there's like a cheetahs here, but that's where, like, Sam does a lot of comedy shows at.

[1367] Really?

[1368] Yeah.

[1369] Oh, that's brilliant.

[1370] Yeah.

[1371] How were those shows?

[1372] Are those fun?

[1373] Yeah.

[1374] It looked great.

[1375] Look at this opening.

[1376] The worst news in the least amount of words possible.

[1377] What's happening?

[1378] You just had a seizure.

[1379] Now it's going to happen.

[1380] You're the Aemada!

[1381] Check this out.

[1382] This is the opening animation for those viewers.

[1383] It's all three -dimensional.

[1384] Shit's flowing in the air.

[1385] This is really cool Welcome to This Is Not Happening Presents One Crazy Night Pretty sweet It's a bad ass Tell a story Yeah similar subject This is an idea that Ari had That he came up with a long ass time ago I think as like a writing exercise I mean I think that was his idea Just to have a different kind of show Where you instead of just do like hardcore Like set up punchline You know created bits He wanted people just tell wacky stories like the one time that like Bert Kreischer has a fucking story about getting so drunk that he's over his girlfriend's father's house and he's the guy walks down into the living room while he's pissing on the dining room table like standing there with his dick out on the dining room table pissing we've all had a little too much a drink yeah that's that's some next level I love Ari's storyteller nights at the Austin Moon Tower Festival he did a drug story night.

[1386] I told that Dalai Lama tale.

[1387] That's a great story.

[1388] Yeah, those are these things that Ari does they're really fun.

[1389] I love that.

[1390] They're really interesting.

[1391] But sometimes people cheat.

[1392] I wanted to, I had talked to Ari about going to Israel and doing shows and I just talked to Moshe Kashar.

[1393] He had played this club that I wanted to look into and he said you have to be squeaky clean.

[1394] What would be the fun of that?

[1395] Barf.

[1396] What kind of world are you living in?

[1397] Squeakable can handle, you know, Some fucking religious tension and fucking suicide bombers, but they can't handle a little dick joke.

[1398] Yeah, what the fuck?

[1399] That's absolutely preposterous.

[1400] That actually hurts my feelings.

[1401] It does.

[1402] It's want to be clean.

[1403] Why?

[1404] Why?

[1405] What do you do?

[1406] Are you going to live forever if you don't say fuck?

[1407] What are you doing?

[1408] Are you enjoying this more?

[1409] Everything's fucking sanitized.

[1410] Like, all due respect.

[1411] What keeps a guy like Seinfeld doing stand -down?

[1412] Wow.

[1413] do you know anything about him no i don't i know what kind of cyril he likes he likes porches you know he likes porches it's like he's got like a hundred cars some crazy Porsche fetish you know drives a lot of old ones and shit he likes Superman I know he's a great comic you know he's a great joke writer who's got great delivery but he's got that one observational one layer style like there's no when i have children i won't allow them to watch him I would never want my kids to emulate that kind of comment But Tom, that be, you know, you can look at online pornography kids, whatever you want, you watch some old Carlin tapes, no sign filled in this house.

[1414] Where's that other song?

[1415] Where is it?

[1416] I go to the grocery store.

[1417] I'm just picking up a couple of things.

[1418] Jerry goes to grocery store.

[1419] Jokes!

[1420] It's an act.

[1421] The cheese is right next to the milk.

[1422] Do they know each other?

[1423] I'm trying to go with this dick.

[1424] I remember we were both milk.

[1425] Now, look you.

[1426] You've grown up.

[1427] cheese you know all milk starts off cheese starts off as milk when cheese sees milk does remember his old friends look at you you moved i should clarify he uh i could be i met him once and i i didn't care for him so i thought he was you know what what did it would happen it was at the comedy cellar it was 98 99 i was living there and um i you know the cellar everybody goes to the cellar you know at the end of the night and i had a set there and I get, you know, it's a small club.

[1428] There's a table in the back where comedians go on or sit before they go on.

[1429] And I get there and all the comedians are in the hallway.

[1430] Nobody's at the table.

[1431] And oh, Jerry's here.

[1432] And so I go back.

[1433] I'm on next.

[1434] I sit down.

[1435] Give him a little head nod.

[1436] Hey, I liked the guy up to that time.

[1437] I could see him while I was on.

[1438] I did 20 minutes and I had a great set.

[1439] I know that.

[1440] And then the next night, he's at the, they had the Mediterranean restaurant upstairs.

[1441] And I get there early to do my set.

[1442] And I see Colin Quinn at the bar.

[1443] He's a buddy of mine.

[1444] And I go over to, hey, Colin, how are you?

[1445] And he goes, hey, you know, Jerry?

[1446] And Jerry's sitting there hunkering over a plate of chicken wings.

[1447] And he's holding a chicken wing.

[1448] And he looks me up and down.

[1449] And he goes, isn't that the same sport coat you had on yesterday?

[1450] And I go, I only had one season on NBC, Jerry.

[1451] You might be able to afford a different jacket every night of the week.

[1452] But I only had one season.

[1453] And he just like shrugged And he went back to his chicken wings And it's like You know A guy with that much money To like seriously look someone up and down And like criticize their clothing There was guys in my high school That you know Thought they were funny That's all they did They criticized people's You know some people don't have money Right Some people having a tough time Hey I'm sorry You know Didn't get to fucking wash the clothes or whatever You know But I always thought it was really cheap When people like just Pick apart someone's appearance That's not comedy that's like being a bully yeah and it only works if you're not aware of the impact that it has on another person because as soon as you are aware of the impact it has on another person and you do it anyway you're non -instigated you start off like picking on a guy's wardrobe you're a douchebag like there's no but in his defense that is a style of like comedy interaction in New York everybody criticizes everybody and that they do it all the time and maybe he just wanted you, like, to know that you were like, welcome.

[1454] Wow, and I took it the wrong way.

[1455] Sorry, Jerry.

[1456] I mean, this is possible.

[1457] Let's get some chicken.

[1458] Never heard of the guy being a dick.

[1459] No?

[1460] No, I mean, you see him interviewed a thousand times.

[1461] You'd get an idea.

[1462] Like, I bet Alec Baldwin...

[1463] I'm going to have to start watching that show now.

[1464] I could see Alec Baldwin yelling at you for something.

[1465] Yeah.

[1466] You know what I'm saying?

[1467] Like, Alec Baldwin seems like he's a fucking hot head.

[1468] Tightly wound.

[1469] But Jerry Seinfeld?

[1470] Could you ever see Jerry Seinfeld?

[1471] Could you ever see Jerry Seinfeld screaming at a flight attendant?

[1472] No. No. I just don't think he's a dick.

[1473] I don't think he's got a name.

[1474] He might make a snide comment here and again, but so you go back.

[1475] All right.

[1476] Okay.

[1477] I'll let my kids watch him.

[1478] I love Sign Fote.

[1479] I like the show.

[1480] I think his book is good.

[1481] I don't.

[1482] Isn't his book?

[1483] I don't get the hate?

[1484] I think his book is just his act.

[1485] Yeah.

[1486] I think he transcribed.

[1487] But that's the thing in comedy.

[1488] It's like always, you know, and I talk to standoff when standup did my thing, who was it?

[1489] somebody like David Cross was rude to him once he tells the story it's like you you can always remember you always remember like who was a dick to you in comedy when you were coming up you know yeah I forgot that cross story that he tells that's a fucking rough story it's a rough story and it's you know well you know like it's guys can get dushy guys can get dushy but that's the thing you walk around as a comedian you think oh we're all like you know brothers no not everybody looks at it that way most of us do though the one and the ones that do are the ones that enjoy hanging out with the really self -obsessed crazy ones that aren't about the camaraderie of stand -up.

[1490] Those are the ones that wind up kicking themselves in the dick or stepping on their own foot.

[1491] You know, they're the silly ones.

[1492] They're the dummies.

[1493] Like, you wouldn't be any less funny if you just weren't an asshole to your fellow comics.

[1494] It wouldn't make any less funny.

[1495] Didn't you write an open letter to Larry the Cable Guy, okay?

[1496] It wouldn't make you less funny.

[1497] It's not like, you know, you're going gangster by calling out Larry the Cable guy.

[1498] Dan Whitney's a very nice guy.

[1499] He's a very nice guy.

[1500] I started out with him in Florida.

[1501] Great guy.

[1502] There's a lot of other fucked up shit out there in the world that you should probably be concentrating on before you concentrate on Larry the cable guy.

[1503] It's just...

[1504] Larry's a nice fucking guy, and he has delicious potato chips.

[1505] Really?

[1506] Brian, tell him about...

[1507] He has even more now.

[1508] I heard that he has not only does he have delicious potato chips, he has, like, delicious food, like hamburger helper type shit.

[1509] Oh, really?

[1510] He's coming out with his own food products?

[1511] Yeah.

[1512] Larry the cable guy has a cheeseburger potato.

[1513] chip it tastes like cheeseburgers exactly like cheeseburgers like with mustard on it and relish it's fucking delicious and while you're eating you're like i'm gonna eat one more and that's it because i think i don't know what the fuck this is i don't know what kind of voodoo they're doing on me that a potato chip tastes like i just ate it in and out it's very strange not in and out but definitely wendy's it's it's fucking delicious i mean it's it's really good it's like you're you're eating a potato chip that taste just like eating a cheeseburger.

[1514] It's so weird, but it's gotta be bad for you.

[1515] I can't be a smart move.

[1516] It can't be a smart move.

[1517] I want to eat.

[1518] I'm so hungry now.

[1519] I got you with the fucking Larry Cable Guy, potato chips.

[1520] But I think David Cross is just, he's just a volatile artist.

[1521] The same thing that makes him great, the same thing.

[1522] Right, I know, David, and he's always been nice to me. I mean, it's always, he depends on, you know, who you, who.

[1523] People snap at each other.

[1524] People's personal, your experience with personal people that you.

[1525] meet and deal with you know yeah Dave's never been anything I've heard some people were dicks I've met them they were the nicest people in the world and vice versa Dave was cool to me even after I did Fear Factor which you know if anybody was like taking the high brow approach that'd be the time to think I was a loser serving people animal dicks then I you know that show was a classic it was classic for me I told you the last time I was on the show that the maggot industry in this country collapsed after the show got finished well I'm one of the few people on earth they could say I lost a job because people had a drink come.

[1526] There's not a lot of people that, you know, not a lot of people that could say that.

[1527] Why did you lose your last job?

[1528] We were making people drink calm.

[1529] America wasn't buying it.

[1530] Check this out.

[1531] Larry, the cable guy, lasagna dinner.

[1532] No way.

[1533] Hey, get her done.

[1534] You want a body like mine.

[1535] Look at the reviews.

[1536] Disgusting.

[1537] It's the worst carbs I ever bought.

[1538] I ever bought in.

[1539] Oh, back it up.

[1540] The first one star.

[1541] What is the first one side says?

[1542] Does anybody remember Larry's previous lasagna recipe?

[1543] I can't recommend anyone buying this product after seeing his comedy routine a comedy routine on poop lasagna.

[1544] Maybe they just were David Cross fans.

[1545] He's got a lot of things.

[1546] He's got mac and cheese.

[1547] He's got chicken batter.

[1548] He didn't have a joke about poop lasagna.

[1549] That's hilarious that he's got a lozania.

[1550] Chicken.

[1551] Chicken.

[1552] batter.

[1553] Oh, it's bad.

[1554] Oh, my God.

[1555] How many stars does that have?

[1556] It's got five stars on some of these.

[1557] You know, you start feeling good about yourself from his business thinking you've, you know...

[1558] Yeah, this guy's got...

[1559] He's got a private jet because he was selling lasagna.

[1560] Fish batter.

[1561] Fish batter?

[1562] Jesus Christ.

[1563] What's crazy is they think he's like that guy.

[1564] It's like, you know, Andrew Dice Clay, who I'm a huge fan of, when he, the Dice Man was one of his many characters that he would do.

[1565] But it was so good.

[1566] good.

[1567] He's like, fuck all these other characters.

[1568] I'm just sticking with this whole dice man thing.

[1569] And then he became the dice man. Now he's always the dice man. He's, but they've morphed.

[1570] And it's not like he's pretending to be the dice man. That literally is who he is now.

[1571] So when he shows up with giant sunglasses on that are like, you know, like literally six inches high and he's got a fanny pack made a leather, which by the way, I got a great fanny pack because of him.

[1572] The root of people out there looking for a good fanny pack, a solid one?

[1573] The leather roots fanny pack.

[1574] That's the one that Andrew Dice Clay wears.

[1575] But he's the dice man now.

[1576] He's sending his fanny pack money to Canada.

[1577] What's that?

[1578] Fanny pack money?

[1579] Roots is a Canadian.

[1580] Is it Canadian?

[1581] Yeah.

[1582] Well, if Americans just had the balls to produce a quality fanny pack and not be those weird vendors that you know, fun and stuff on Amazon, you're like, man, do I send them?

[1583] People in England are giggling now.

[1584] You know, Fanny's like what they call them.

[1585] Yeah, that's silly.

[1586] Vigina.

[1587] They're still driving on the left's hand side.

[1588] They can't be, you know, you lose all your credibility when you're, trying to work.

[1589] You lose all credibility.

[1590] Positioning your cars so that you can use a sword.

[1591] I don't know if this is true or not.

[1592] I heard that the reason they do that is because Napoleon, the conquering armies getting back to Paris, they chose the right side.

[1593] So the left side is the loser's side of the road.

[1594] I think it's actually...

[1595] I don't know if that's...

[1596] There might just be some weird...

[1597] Some old dude told me at a bar.

[1598] That wouldn't make any sense because then both guys would be the loser because they're both on the left, depending on which direction you're heading in.

[1599] But back to Paris.

[1600] Oh, back to Paris.

[1601] Here's the thing.

[1602] The one that makes sense to me is that if you're on the left -hand side, you can defend yourself with your right, which is your strong arm.

[1603] Most people are dominant, right -handed, and they would be holding the sword.

[1604] So that's why they would pass on the left -hand side.

[1605] And since these are all like ancient cultures, you're talking about, like, England.

[1606] Genius.

[1607] I mean, they're really ancient.

[1608] I mean, you can go to a bar in England that's 900 years old.

[1609] I love that.

[1610] It's amazing.

[1611] There's a bar in Nottnum.

[1612] It's underneath the castle.

[1613] It's on the backside.

[1614] and it's where people would drink before they went off to fight in the Crusades and shit It's amazing It's insane My God Yeah that kind of like That kind of history It's um You know It makes sense That they still have that Left side of the road thing That's what they did For fucking hundreds of years That makes sense Then you could use your right You're right Yeah Okay well then I guess that's the better side of the road Like if you're jousting I think you know That's how you do it Only you would think of something like that No it's not that only I asked you know It didn't make any sense.

[1615] I was like, this seems like we, American made cars.

[1616] See, I asked somebody, and they told me that bullshit Napoleon story, you know?

[1617] Well, we've made the first cars.

[1618] So it would make sense that since we decided driving the right, everybody would just honor that.

[1619] They're like, yeah, not feeling it, lad.

[1620] I'm going to put the steering wheel on the other side.

[1621] I feel a little more comfortable.

[1622] I can sword swipe out my window.

[1623] So they decided, even though they would have to import our automobile, because we're the one smart enough to figure it out first.

[1624] They still had to put it on the left side.

[1625] That's, you know, that's also just not one to bow down to American dominance.

[1626] You know what I'm a lot of them?

[1627] Europeans still got a lot of shitty ideas.

[1628] Good friend of mine that this guy, Kevin Healy, who runs the Roshan dub, it's his cool rock club in Galway, Ireland, and they do comedy there.

[1629] That sounds amazing.

[1630] He's a wonderful dude.

[1631] I love Galway.

[1632] What's the name again?

[1633] It's called the Roshin Dub.

[1634] It's like Celtic for Black Rose.

[1635] I need to get a t -shirt.

[1636] Can I have a movie?

[1637] buy one online yeah of course yeah totally so but he's he's funny man and he's a really funny dude and his talking GPS in his car is a British woman's voice and so I was driving around with him one day and then like it was here take the third into the roundabout and take the third left and then like he'd drive he'd pass it and then he'd go a different way and he'd just look at me and go I ain't doing with that English bitch he'll do with the time Brian had a girl that he was dating at one point in time who did not like that his navigation system had a girl's voice.

[1638] Yeah, she would get pissed off.

[1639] Because I would, like, choose, like, the British chick voice because I thought that was the sexiest one.

[1640] She's like, up ahead, you know, whatever.

[1641] And she was like, will you please change this?

[1642] Why do we have to listen to her?

[1643] And, like, every time I would come in my car, she would, like, have changed.

[1644] So you have Samuel Jackson's.

[1645] That's what's called a healthy relationship.

[1646] Take the left now.

[1647] I know, right?

[1648] Imagine that.

[1649] Try bringing that up to a psychologist.

[1650] I, you know, he tries to make me jealous.

[1651] with the navigation system okay it's a girl's voice and the girls are whore okay and I remember there was like it was from Tom Tom and I forget who it was there was some kind of like sexy person that that that they ended up like having these voice packs you could buy like Darth Vader right what happened to that it was like a Bob Dylan more than different right and there was a sexy one that I bought and it just like blew the lid off her the way to make money to you turn yeah that's how it was you want to really make some money make a plug with Joey Diaz.

[1652] Joey Diaz telling you what I go, left, cock, sucker, left!

[1653] Left!

[1654] What the fuck did I just say?

[1655] What the fuck did I just say?

[1656] Left turn, dog.

[1657] Left turn, dog.

[1658] That would be the greatest navigation system of all time.

[1659] Well, we've got to find investors.

[1660] That would be great.

[1661] How would no one's done it?

[1662] My friend David Hurwitz did come up with an idea once, but it was an idea of Joey giving advice on the toilet, like little short blurbs.

[1663] Yeah, I had to film it.

[1664] Yeah, but they called it a fat man on the toilet, which is disrespectful.

[1665] you got to call Joey Coco Diaz on the toilet.

[1666] That's what you want.

[1667] Not a fat man. It's not just because he's fat, you know?

[1668] Joey on the spot.

[1669] He was tall.

[1670] You see a tall man on the toilet.

[1671] You know, you don't just describe them.

[1672] That was a low point in my life, Joe, being in that small -ass bathroom and a hot summer day with a Joey Diaz naked right in front of his balls hanging over the toilet seat somehow.

[1673] I don't even know how that's possible.

[1674] Did you smell him at all?

[1675] Oh, yeah.

[1676] It smelled like a big Joey Diaz.

[1677] Like, I mean, it smelled like balls in there.

[1678] Like balls?

[1679] Yeah, and then, like, his wife, the person's house is what, like, the wife would come in with lemonade and just, like, lemonade, anyone?

[1680] Like, real nice.

[1681] And I'm like, don't you see this guy's balls is right here?

[1682] Like, this is so creepy.

[1683] I felt like I was in a gay porn.

[1684] I thought that was a hidden camera joke on me at the time, Joe, because I was like, how am I doing this right now?

[1685] This is a joke for somebody.

[1686] But it was funny.

[1687] I mean, it was, Joey's funny in anything he does, man. Joey's just always funny.

[1688] Hey, did you see this transgender Navy seal?

[1689] Yeah.

[1690] Kind of came out.

[1691] Her.

[1692] Yeah, used to be a dude, this burly -looking, Evan Tanner -looking dude with a big full beard and got a sex change and became a woman.

[1693] And now calls herself warrior princess and just, like, went for a full sex change.

[1694] I mean, she was at one point in times, 20 years as a Navy SEAL, fought some of the most dangerous battlefields in the world.

[1695] After she left service, she realized she wasn't living the life she wanted, decided to become a woman.

[1696] So you go from like that, you know, ferocious fighting to soft sensitivity you got to applaud that person yeah if that's what you want to do for sure it's a you know and I put it online and like some people like still think there was an issue with a transgender MMA fighter there was a man who became a woman and started fighting as a woman in MMA fights and like just brutally knocking these women out do you remember that that in the in the tie boxing in the 90s.

[1697] That was the opposite.

[1698] There was a guy and then with his monies, his winnings, he got the operations as further as he went along.

[1699] Well, he was really good until the sex change and then he didn't have any testosterone anymore.

[1700] He started getting beaten up.

[1701] Girls can't fight.

[1702] Well, this transgender formerly male woman can and she's knocked out three girls and she choked out another girl recently.

[1703] But there's certain mechanical advantages to the human body.

[1704] It's male, when it's born with the Y chromosome, the testosterone for 30 years of his life before he became a woman.

[1705] And I think that, like, that's undeniable.

[1706] There's also an advantage in reaction time.

[1707] Like, it's 10 % across the board.

[1708] Advantage in reaction time for men over women in, like, several tests.

[1709] It's not like a one -time thing where they, you know, got a bunch of slow chicks.

[1710] Like, there's something about just the male constitution that makes it more better adapted to certain, physical things.

[1711] And fighting is one of them.

[1712] And some people, it became like this gender issue.

[1713] And one of the things I found out, this is, it's really fascinating.

[1714] There's a rift in the feminist community.

[1715] And there's feminists that hate transgender, or should I say, don't approve of transgender's being considered a woman.

[1716] They think a woman is a woman.

[1717] And when a man starts off life as a man, he stays a man. And, you know, the idea that that man is now a woman and can compete with women in athletics is ridiculous.

[1718] And so one of the things they cite is this MMA thing where this chick is like, you know, not particularly talented, but she's just manhandling bitches.

[1719] Kneen them in the face and knocking them unconscious and putting them on the ground and putting her knee on people's necks and choking them out quick.

[1720] And it's like, she's not fighting like the elite of the elite competition, but the way she's winning is quite convincing.

[1721] And that sort of stirs the debate up.

[1722] But I've never been in any way, shape, or form against anyone who wants to be a transgender.

[1723] My position is only as a martial arts expert.

[1724] I've been doing martial arts since I was a child.

[1725] And I know that there are certain things that make someone physically more dangerous.

[1726] And one of them is bone structure.

[1727] It doesn't change.

[1728] When you have big giant man hands, big giant man hands are dangerous as fuck.

[1729] And little tiny hands, no matter how good you get it hitting things, they're never really that dangerous.

[1730] Little tiny hands break in your face, like a woman's hand.

[1731] They're not built for punching shit.

[1732] You got to wrap them up good and put them in pads.

[1733] Otherwise, it would just shatter on your forehead.

[1734] There's a lot of things to being a man, like the way the hips are built.

[1735] There's a mechanical advantage to using the hips that way.

[1736] But that doesn't mean them against people being transgender.

[1737] I think you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want.

[1738] And I think that there's going to be a lot of people when they do some sort of a chromosomal switch, when they really get into high -level genetic manipulation, and they literally can turn you into a woman.

[1739] I think every man should be forced to be a woman for at least a couple of months of his life just so he could feel what it feels like to be vulnerable, feels what it feels like to be douched on by guys.

[1740] I mean, maybe if, like, you know how you have to, like, you live in Israel and you have to, like, do, like, a couple of years in the service?

[1741] Right.

[1742] I think every man should have to be forced to live a couple of years as a woman.

[1743] Really, as a real woman.

[1744] Like, oh, you're a 250 -pound man?

[1745] No, you're a 90 -pound Chinese girl now.

[1746] And this is how you're going to live your life.

[1747] the next two years, two years as a woman.

[1748] So you have, like, real empathy to what it feels like to be overpowered or threatened by the opposite sex, or the people who are, like, sexually attracted to you, also being the most likely ones to take your life.

[1749] You know?

[1750] I think when that happens, it would be a very strange world when you could just say, Tom, what are you this week?

[1751] Oh, dude, I'm a black guy, and I'm on that Everest.

[1752] Oh, my God.

[1753] Brian would be girls.

[1754] I put together a funk band immediately.

[1755] If you could If Brian could be anything, he would be Wonder Woman.

[1756] Tonda.

[1757] Superwoman.

[1758] Superwoman?

[1759] Wonder Woman had more cool shit, though.

[1760] She had a jet and shit.

[1761] But I guess Superwoman could fly on her own, right?

[1762] Yeah.

[1763] Fly cool places and masturbate.

[1764] But yet, she never achieved the fame that Wonder Woman had.

[1765] It's like what separates Whitney Cummings from Eliza Schlesinger?

[1766] What is it that makes Whitney Cummings so much more successful?

[1767] That's like Wonder Woman over Superwoman.

[1768] I mean, maybe Supergirl or whatever the fuck she was.

[1769] Maybe she was really badass.

[1770] But she never got nearly the props that Wonder Woman got.

[1771] Yeah, but Wonder Woman with her jet.

[1772] She's got a jet.

[1773] Do you remember the Dave Chappelle joke he used to do about that?

[1774] She had an invisible jet.

[1775] No. No, what do you say?

[1776] Hey, what's that prostitute doing up flying in there?

[1777] She totally looked like that.

[1778] Look, again, she was wearing the most ridiculous outfit.

[1779] If you could be, if I could be any superhero?

[1780] No, no, no. Between Superwoman or what are, see, I would have...

[1781] Linda Carter.

[1782] Remember Linda Carter?

[1783] Superwoman was blonde hair, so she would have to shave his.

[1784] much like her legs like you know brown hair you have to shave more so i think it was less maintenance to be a superwoman i think you're right and i think that wonder woman can't even fly in her own she needs a plane and that's just stupid plus she's got her magic lasso of truth and she right and then the bulletproof uh wrist bands she's fucking kching ching if you can move that fast to hit bullets with your wrists please i remember like captain america why you know it's so slow all the other times he didn't fly either you had like a yeah he was he just had a sword all he could do is so sword it well captain america was like the ultimate royd man like they created him with like a royd it's like a superroid like they shot him out he's a little skinny guy in the movie is the movie the same as the comic book i never even bothered to watch that piece of sure it wasn't really a captain american guy even though it was a marvel comic i mean that was in my wheelhouse but i was never really a captain america guy but the movie's not bad well i remember captain america and you You know, when I was a kid in the, you know, 70s, 80s looking through, he would be getting his ass beat, and then his black friend, the falcon, would show up.

[1785] It was always Captain America's getting his ass beat, and then his black friend.

[1786] And it was like, you know, like the mid -70s were like, you know, they're trying to, like, integrate, like, a black superhero, but they didn't want to give him his own magazine.

[1787] Yeah.

[1788] So then the falcon would come in and save the day and kick everybody's ass.

[1789] The falcon.

[1790] You don't remember the falcon?

[1791] I do.

[1792] Now that you brought it up.

[1793] remember very much that's hilarious so uh the dude who played him um uh they didn't have the falcon the dude who played uh captain america was perfect do you see the avengers that dude it looks like captain america he's the perfect guy he's perfect i just don't like the character at all so i don't even bother you know the movie's pretty good dude give it a shot it was i've seen the first no no no there's captain america no really i hate captain america why is it just because you hate patriotism and you hate america it's it's kind of like that i think That's it.

[1794] No, is it really?

[1795] Like, you hate, like, rah -rah.

[1796] The old, the old, the old Captain America with his little flags and stuff like that.

[1797] I was just like, get out of here.

[1798] Why do you hate the country that you've built such a nice success off of?

[1799] No, I don't hate the country.

[1800] I just, his costume was dumb.

[1801] His, I know what you're talking about.

[1802] You don't want, you know, this is the rah -ra -rah -boss shit.

[1803] Right.

[1804] They should have just given him some better superpowers when they conceived that.

[1805] He was created, though, when they were.

[1806] 50s or during World War II or something.

[1807] I mean, that was supposed to be fighting against the Nazis.

[1808] Like, it's okay to be, like, super patriot guy when you're fighting against a legitimate evil army.

[1809] You know, I mean, that was like a legitimate evil army.

[1810] But then once the United States Army becomes legitimately evil, then Captain Ameri becomes a goofy character.

[1811] And that's the problem.

[1812] It's like, it's really hard to, when you look at foreign policy and drone attacks and it's really hard to think that those fucking people that are pulling off what they're pulling off, wherever the fuck we are.

[1813] You know, whether it's the invention.

[1814] agent of iraq or any of the crazy shit they're doing the fact that the idea that a noble man like captain america would be rushing to their aid to save the day and making sure the rest of the world has oil for centuries to come just dodging bullets and flying in to kick ass yeah not the best one he's not the best the hawk's the best clearly like there's a lot of comics that i tried to get into like daredevil i tried so hard to get into daredevil but having a blind guy, just not that sexy.

[1815] Yeah, and that's all he is, right?

[1816] He's just blind, and because he's blind, you look, like, move good?

[1817] He had, like, better senses, or something.

[1818] I don't know when I can't remember.

[1819] You need more than that to get me to buy your fucking comic book, God damn it.

[1820] Silver Surfer is the biggest one I always wanted to, like, love.

[1821] But I never really did it for me. Like, I tried so much.

[1822] But that's such a cool idea for a superhero.

[1823] You didn't get into it?

[1824] I didn't get, I mean, I bought him, and I just never got into it.

[1825] He's got a surf boy, right?

[1826] Spider -Man was really hard for, like I thought the stories were great all the Spider -Man's Peter Parker you know, so you mean the movie Silver Surfer or did you buy the comic books?

[1827] No comic books I'm talking about comic books I feel the same way like when I got Silver Surfer comic books I would be like ooh a new Silver Surfer's out check it out and then I'd be like yeah blah blah it sucked they sucked whereas like Spider -Man was always legit yeah Spider -Man always had X -Men always X -Men had some of the best storylines ever I mean they had some epic storylines with Phoenix you know I mean, that was a great, great comic book era.

[1828] That was, that was the real shit, man. Dorks?

[1829] Dorks?

[1830] How many people listening right now were like, dorks?

[1831] That was one of the saddest things I had to do when I was starving to death, was sell my comic book collection.

[1832] Needed the money, man. I had nothing.

[1833] And that's all I had left.

[1834] Some comic books that accumulated over, you know, 10 years of life out there in the world.

[1835] I've been read downloading a lot lately on using, like, the Marvel app.

[1836] You can just sit there and be like, I want every episode of Hulk download.

[1837] Comic books, like physical comic books, are badass.

[1838] But the best experience is on an iPad.

[1839] Get that Marvel app on the iPad and they go frame to frame.

[1840] It's the best way because you don't see what's next.

[1841] And then, you know, you never see a comic book where you see, you know, you always see every page.

[1842] You see it right in front of you.

[1843] As you're changing the page, you see the left page, see the right page, see what's coming.

[1844] With these apps, he just goes frame to frame.

[1845] And it zooms in real quick, kind of like a movie.

[1846] Would you ever think that you'd be like pushing fucking 40 and still talking about comic books?

[1847] Yeah.

[1848] You never anticipated a period of golfing?

[1849] No. Joe, I posted a test the other day.

[1850] I don't know if you saw this.

[1851] This is a friend of mine told me to take it.

[1852] And it's something that I guess a lot of people take in college.

[1853] And I, it's like 50 questions and I ended up taking it.

[1854] And wow, how crazy, like horoscope -wise, like how crazy.

[1855] Accurate it is.

[1856] Really?

[1857] And if you just read what, let's see what it's called, if I can find it real quick.

[1858] If you do it, I'm really wondering what it is.

[1859] But I asked what everybody else was, and they were all the same.

[1860] Like, almost every single person wrote back, like, I took the test, I'm a I -N -T -S -P or whatever it was.

[1861] And that's like the smallest percentage of people in the world is this group of people that all are following me on Twitter.

[1862] So it was really weird.

[1863] Here's the test that you can go to.

[1864] Wait a minute.

[1865] What is the distinguishing factor that makes them, like, a really small group?

[1866] I don't know.

[1867] It's just like, you see, I'm ESFP, and I guess the test is based on some kind of old school.

[1868] Well, let me try to find it.

[1869] It's called the Jung typology.

[1870] This is an elaborate way for you to plug your Twitter.

[1871] Young.

[1872] The Young typology test.

[1873] Did you ever take this?

[1874] Carl Young.

[1875] Yeah, Carl Young.

[1876] And so I took this, and you can go to, like, Human Metrics .com, and it's around there.

[1877] But I took this test and just look at this, like, description of me. Extroverted, sensing, what does it say?

[1878] Extroverted, sensing, feeling, perceiving.

[1879] And see, what it does is it tells you, like, here's all the different ones that you can be.

[1880] And it tells you go down, like, ESFPs love to talk to people about people.

[1881] Some of the most colorful storytellers are ESFPs.

[1882] Like, you go through this thing.

[1883] And then you can even get more accurate.

[1884] and they have like these horoscopes that are really like whoa that's intense that's fascinating you know what the problem with these things is though the problem with these tests is that you know you're taking a test yeah well here's another thing that famous ESIPs you would give them the answer the simulation theory Bob Hope Bob Hope that's hilarious well it's just you know what it is you when you know you're taking a test you might not necessarily reveal the way you would respond to something a regular basis had you not being measuring it yeah but they're questions are pretty basic questions like if you go like like uh you know how to put every minute of your time to good purpose no i definitely did not know how to do that you know so it's you know are you're a person somewhat reserved and distance and communication i would say yeah besides podcast you know it's just you know yes and no it's not your actions are frequently influenced by emotions yes definitely you usually playing your actions in advance yeah but see those are there was those are things you could decide what sounds better with a group of people attending parties shop yes you could decide they seem pretty non -judgmental which is I think important if you're going to really have something like that and have it be accurate but I would imagine that would be very hard to get a sense of someone's personality like that I try it out I would really be interesting because I read it in a blew my mind I was like no fucking way because I've been getting into you know what drives me nuts man when someone tells me they talk to a psychic and the psychic knew everything about me man it's amazing dude I'm telling you man the psychic Like, dude, he knew, he knew about my grandma, okay?

[1885] You're like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[1886] Is it a name that begins with?

[1887] Those are great.

[1888] Was she a woman?

[1889] Okay, okay.

[1890] Where did you say you were from Boston?

[1891] She's from the East Coast.

[1892] How'd you know?

[1893] I just knew since your grandmother was on the East Coast.

[1894] Was your father alive?

[1895] No, he wasn't.

[1896] I didn't think he was.

[1897] No. Yes, he was alive.

[1898] Yes, that's right.

[1899] He was alive.

[1900] your father was a lot of i see that it's amazing you see so much you know we'll have a gift of sight and these cards help me these cards these random cards of drawings on them they help me they help me see what's hilarious is that no one ever finds out any new shit they just tell you shit you already know you fuck like you know dude he knew all about my grandmother don't you know all about your grandmother Jesus Christ son why why did you go someone to tell you that green is green see that color green it's green I don't There's no better forecast for the future than Chinese fortune cookies.

[1901] I've based my life off.

[1902] I had one a couple months ago.

[1903] It said, you were going to come into a lot of money soon.

[1904] I took it to the bank.

[1905] I was like, can I get an advance?

[1906] That's a cat skills joke.

[1907] How about the people that take them, and the really good ones, they're saving their wallet.

[1908] I'm going to show you guys.

[1909] you'll fucking doubt me, trust me. Well, there's like modern ones.

[1910] There's different...

[1911] Why would they make new ones?

[1912] Keep those fucking dumbers.

[1913] It's like the lottery.

[1914] But it's like the horoscope, you know?

[1915] Who cares?

[1916] People are always going to eat Chinese food.

[1917] It's delicious.

[1918] Throw that stupid shit in there.

[1919] You know, fortune cookies were invented in San Francisco in like 1902?

[1920] Makes sense.

[1921] I went to China.

[1922] I was like, man, where's my fortune cookie?

[1923] You don't get fortune cookies.

[1924] They never carried it over?

[1925] Well, you know, Chinese aren't really innovators.

[1926] You know, they are.

[1927] they copy i would think that they would make a better chinese fortune cookie they'd be like look you know you guys you had it down but hologram doesn't yeah it's got your dead father on it should it should make a noise yeah but they always make the cheap shit like the cheap knockoff versions like they're never making like the iphone they're always making like the iponer well they actually make iPhones there yeah it's china's they're massive industry they make a lot of shit in china yeah the iPhone factory they got the nets around it because all these people were committing suicide.

[1928] And their answer was, hey, get back to work.

[1929] That's based on Apple's specs.

[1930] I'm talking about all the other companies out there, you know?

[1931] Yeah, there's definitely a lot of that.

[1932] There's a lot of cheap shit.

[1933] I mean, made in China was always like a statement.

[1934] Right.

[1935] Where else are you going to get refrigerator magnets and snow doves?

[1936] And I looked at it and it said made in China.

[1937] Blan, bach, bong, bong.

[1938] Yat, yeah, yeah.

[1939] But they also make some fucking pretty, dope shit.

[1940] What's really funny is that that company that were people were jumping off the roof.

[1941] What was it called again?

[1942] Foxcon.

[1943] Foxcon.

[1944] Foxcon.

[1945] The argument was, I actually saw a guy saying this.

[1946] He was saying, well, you have to realize that this is an enormous company and the percentage of people that are committing suicide is commensurate with the percentage of people in a normal population of that many.

[1947] You're talking about a company that employs a half a million people.

[1948] Yeah, but They're killing themselves at work.

[1949] Right.

[1950] At work.

[1951] They live at work.

[1952] They live at work.

[1953] They're killing, I mean, is it, are you really, can you really say that?

[1954] They're like a regular population?

[1955] They just wanted an extra pee break.

[1956] And they just get nothing.

[1957] They get very little money.

[1958] And they claw and scratch.

[1959] Just the fact that we still allow that.

[1960] Someone's kind of come up with something called the fair phone.

[1961] Have you heard of that?

[1962] Mm -mm.

[1963] Pull it up.

[1964] A fair phone.

[1965] Yeah, it's a phone they're trying to do.

[1966] It's, uh, you, some.

[1967] out of the bridge.

[1968] Michael Dougwoman.

[1969] It's an Android phone, and I think the idea is that they can trace the origins of all the resources that are in the phone, minerals and such, and show you that it's all been acquired through fair trade, and there hasn't been a slave labor used, and, you know.

[1970] That sounds like a boring phone to me. Well, they can't, it's not even going to have 4G.

[1971] Yeah, exactly.

[1972] I mean, it looks like a regular Android phone.

[1973] What is their spiel?

[1974] does it say Chainsway products are made by starting with a single phone together we're opening up the supply chain and redefining the economy one step at a time I love the idea I think the idea is amazing you know but you gotta have 4G stupid how dare you how dare you put out a phone in 2000 fucking 13 say well 4LTE was problematic then your fucking phone is problematic because I would jump on everybody would jump on you could do it man just make it 4G silly get the funding up Get a Kickstarter like Graham Hancock He doesn't have a Kickstarter Alex Gray, sorry, sorry Graham Alex Gray's Kickstarter hit $250 ,000 So that Entheon thing You know Alex Gray's?

[1975] You know Alex Gray's?

[1976] You know Alex Gray's?

[1977] The visionary artist He was really psychedelic, crazy, tryptamine art You never seen this stuff?

[1978] Oh, it's amazing Oh, here it's like this, this Vision's book, that's all Alex Gray Oh, cool Have you ever seen that stuff before?

[1979] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure you have but he's creating that like the cover of this uh um vision's book he's creating something that's uh that's beautiful that cover yeah he's creating something really similar to this like this style of art like this style thing as a building he's going to have a religious building called the entheon that's like this non -denominational spiritual sort of building that he's putting together and it's going to house it inside this building that's created essentially out of psychedelic art and he did a Kickstarter and offered a lot of really cool shit including painting people's personal or drawing people's personal pictures drawing an Alex Gray version of them and a lot of cool shit I need to do a Kickstarter to get a condo somewhere nice in Malibu or something that's not how you do I'll make it spiritual if you want me to we can smoke weed there if you want well thousand books you get to crash on the couch once that's right that's not how kick starters works son they have to get something out of it too well I'll film it and you guys can all download me and my new condo in Malibu sucking dick what did you say suck a dick oh suck a dick Brian just think about what you're saying and then count to three and then stay with the thought and go is this worth saying you can't you can't just have a Kickstarter to get yourself a condo son no you can what you can do is you can say hey I'm making a doctor documentary about me getting a super sick condo in Malibu and I need 300, no, 500 ,000 dollars to make this movie.

[1980] I'll tell you what, Brian, nobody would see that coming.

[1981] That is basically bulletproof.

[1982] And no one would ever call scam.

[1983] They would say, hey, you're just doing this so that you could get this super dope condo.

[1984] Our buddy, uh, John has a nice Kickstarter.

[1985] John Lajat.

[1986] Yeah.

[1987] How did he say, what is his, uh, L 'Jois?

[1988] L 'Jois.

[1989] It's too, uh, for him to become super rich.

[1990] That's the whole Kickstarter.

[1991] I'm John L 'Jois.

[1992] You may recognize me from my popular YouTube videos, television's the league, or simply as someone you admire and envy because I'm awesome and famous.

[1993] My fans come up to me all the time and ask me, John, when are you gonna make a movie?

[1994] My answer is always the same.

[1995] It's bodyguards beat the shit out of this gross poor person who's not addressing me as Sir L 'Jois.

[1996] A second most common question I get from my fans If I was his friend I'd say edit that What was that part?

[1997] I didn't get what that part was The part's called Not Funny I made a swing Didn't work He's a funny guy You know we all fucking throw turds up there See what he's trying to do It didn't work Oh man you were great the last time I saw you at the laugh factor It was like six months ago Oh thanks man Yeah, and you did that big bit about that horse fuck video.

[1998] God, damn, it was great.

[1999] I was just there.

[2000] It was like a 10 -minute bit.

[2001] It was great.

[2002] I was just there.

[2003] It's called Enum Claw.

[2004] Oh, really?

[2005] I was just there.

[2006] Yeah, and they're all very embarrassed about it.

[2007] It's really interesting.

[2008] They got, like, proud people.

[2009] Brass plaques up marking.

[2010] Well, it's a real rural area.

[2011] It's at the base of a mountain.

[2012] I think it's Mount Rainier.

[2013] It's one of those mountain communities, and they were really bummed out that their town is known for that now.

[2014] Like, you ask them about it.

[2015] There's a few, like, really.

[2016] nice there's a place called charlie's shout out to charlie's the best fucking pancakes you'll ever eat in your life man in enum claw pretty fucking dynamite it's like a real like home cooking place we were up there looking for bigfoot for this new show i'm doing oh yeah isn't the definition of looking there has to be something to actually see brian you're not the expert of him everything it doesn't exist you're not looking oh you say it doesn't exist but how do you know that's like looking for ghosts you can't really look for one if they don't exist but you can you can go look for ghosts it doesn't mean you're gonna find a ghost but if there are ghosts occasionally and you're not looking you're never gonna find them and if you're living your whole life never seen a ghost you're like there's no fucking ghost and then one day you see a ghost you shit yourself and you don't have a picture of it you can never explain it you try to tell people and they're like yeah you saw a ghost because no one's gonna ever believe anything that they haven't seen themselves unless you can show me a picture of it unless you can show me i don't even believe in quantum theory you know why because you can't show it to me i don't know what you're doing i show all those lines and squiggles i believe you're correct i would never doubt but i don't i have no idea if that's real i have no idea if that's real but bigfoot i think he's real no you do not think he's real i'll tell you what man hey man anything's real you're entitled that if anything's real i think edie murphy's a better actor than denzel washington whoa what that Are you being serious or you're just being silly?

[2017] I think we all have, we're all entitled to our opinions.

[2018] He's seriously being silly.

[2019] Because Eddie Murphy can act as dicked up.

[2020] He just doesn't do it very often.

[2021] I think he acted it already.

[2022] I bet he did his best acting when the cops asked him why that tranny was in his car.

[2023] I'm going to do a little character research.

[2024] That's where you do the...

[2025] I was taking him home, officer.

[2026] That is a homeless tranny.

[2027] Explain yourself.

[2028] But I guarantee you that.

[2029] I mean, look at how good he was in the Nick Nolte, 48 hours.

[2030] It's fucking great in that movie.

[2031] Great as an actor as well.

[2032] Like, not just great as a bad guy.

[2033] And you know what else?

[2034] Coming to America?

[2035] What was he, like, four different characters or something?

[2036] That, and I'm not endorsing this movie in any way, shape, or form.

[2037] But that Ben Stiller movie about the robbery, the fucking, he was on the top floor, Pennhouse, something.

[2038] Oh, yeah, it was a couple years ago, right?

[2039] What the hell was that called?

[2040] The Heist.

[2041] Tower Heist.

[2042] Tower Heist.

[2043] Not a bad movie.

[2044] It really wasn't.

[2045] It took a lot of shit.

[2046] It was pretty fucking.

[2047] The premise is ridiculous.

[2048] But Eddie Murphy's a badass fucking actor.

[2049] Like, you forget how subtle he is, like, how he can pull shit off.

[2050] You know, it's really sad that all that tranny shit went down.

[2051] Because when that tranny shit went down, Eddie Murphy stopped doing stand -up.

[2052] You know, he did Raw.

[2053] And then, you know, he kind of like just went to movies.

[2054] And maybe he would have went back and forth.

[2055] No, I think it had been, like, ten years since after Raw and then the tranny thing.

[2056] Was it?

[2057] Yeah, it was a long My timeline's wrong But I just feel like You know Maybe he would have Gone back to it If it wasn't for that I wish he would have That's why I was excited When he was gonna host The Oscars that like Just give us a hint of it Eddie Just a couple of minutes This is the truth When Raw came out And I was I don't know how old I was I guess I was probably 18 or something like that I don't remember Somewhere around then Somewhere around the teenage years And I remember seeing Raw on TV And me and my friends were fucking crying.

[2058] We are crying.

[2059] And it doesn't totally hold up today because a lot of the premises have been like beaten down since then.

[2060] Right, right.

[2061] But I remember that was an event when it came out.

[2062] It was in the theaters.

[2063] But coming off of Delirious, Delirious was so strong.

[2064] Oh, you know what?

[2065] You're right.

[2066] Every moment.

[2067] And then it was like he had gotten money and then he's telling stories about bodyguards and Bill Cosby.

[2068] I actually meant Delirious.

[2069] I should have said that because Delirious was the TV one.

[2070] That was the HBO one.

[2071] Where he's in the red suit.

[2072] Raw was the movie.

[2073] Raw is the movie and he's got the blue suit.

[2074] No, I definitely meant delirious.

[2075] You and your friends were really?

[2076] No, raw, see, Rob was not that good.

[2077] No, that was like, it was like when rap guys get too much money.

[2078] When the rap guys come out, they're great.

[2079] The first three albums are from the street.

[2080] They got the message.

[2081] And then like the third, fourth album, dude who's going to clean my pool is late.

[2082] You know, there's something about money that takes the sting out of a lot of people.

[2083] And then Well, it's also the life you live changes radically.

[2084] Yeah.

[2085] You know, the life you live is a comedian.

[2086] there's got to be some folly in it you know and when everyone's just lining up to suck your dick and pay you in diamonds there's not a lot of folly yeah you know he's wearing did you see that that eddie murphy thing was on comedy central they um they did some like you know honor him evening oh yeah and who was it told this great story um oh my god i forget it's uh but i guess it was arsini hall or something and some woman comes over they're like some black club and some white woman comes over to Eddie Murphy and goes, Eddie, Eddie, I love you.

[2087] I've never, I've never kissed a black man before.

[2088] Can I kiss you?

[2089] And then he goes, no. He goes, you don't start at the top.

[2090] You got to start one of these poor dudes.

[2091] Oh, that's fine.

[2092] You can't start at the top, baby.

[2093] Delirious, you know, before Deliris, he had a CD.

[2094] I don't mean a CD.

[2095] I think it was a cassette.

[2096] But he had a cassette that was really good.

[2097] I think maybe even better than Delirious because it was really like low -press.

[2098] I still give Delirious as a gift.

[2099] I get a little nephew, man, and he likes comedy.

[2100] And then, like, little, like, teenage kids and stuff.

[2101] They want to, like, you know, they ask me, you know, who should I, who should I study?

[2102] Oh, he's delirious.

[2103] Let's start here.

[2104] You know, if you're, like, a teenager, and you're not really into radical shit yet.

[2105] You're just into solid funny.

[2106] It's too bad that he stopped, you know.

[2107] It's interesting, you know, there was also, it's just, I mean, I'm sure when you're probably the number one comedy, movie star in the world like it's probably really hard to get up a desire to go right and create new jokes and they're probably just constantly shoving movies down his face back then you know he went after 48 hours and i mean he was gigantic you know how gigantic he was i like to party all the time party all the time no it's my girl wants to she had a hit song yeah he did and a dance song it was a hit song about his girl who likes the party all the time that is a drag man if you're dating a girl and she just wants to go out all the time and dance and party I don't like the dancing shit but I've had friends break up with girls because they just want to party all the time I feel like listen okay you're you're escaping something here we can't do coke seven nights in a row all right you need to take a nap you need to get a help wanted pick up that find an occupation you can't just be out there partying or you can if you got it if you got an act you know travel the country tom road style just go gangster just tell it road to road glad you clarified that you're like you can't party all the time i'm like oh you parties all the time do you ever think that you're going to settle down in a city yeah i'm considering a few places what are you considering uh i'd like to move back to san francisco and just uh you know just i mean just creating jokes that's the you know that's the main mission yeah and uh i like that the you know the tech industry is based out of there and i think you know uh things are moving i think the future i mean like you can be your own movie mogul studio now and uh i you know i don't know i think um um you know it's a lot of entertainment yeah no there certainly is i think that's a great place to do stand -up it's also a lot of fucking smart people there it's a good audience and i like when i come to l. i like staying in a nice hotels you know something about living here and paying rent i don't know maybe i haven't lived in the right neighborhood can i crash at your place for a couple months no sorry i'll sweep the helicopter pad every once in a while you won't get along with the family they're like this guy's just he's going to draw you to the dark side don't worry my will is strong i'm kidding i uh i don't know and then also you know then new orleans is a place that i would i would consider it's a beautiful town That's a wild town.

[2108] Yeah.

[2109] That's a free town.

[2110] That's almost like you should have a passport to go to New Orleans.

[2111] It seems like some sort of Caribbean island.

[2112] You just drop off into connected to the rest of the country.

[2113] And then again, I wouldn't mind moving back to Amsterdam or Europe.

[2114] Maybe, you know, get a place and...

[2115] What about for your stand -up?

[2116] What do you think would be the best place?

[2117] Do you like to have a home club to work out of?

[2118] No, but, you know, I love the Stanhope model.

[2119] You know, he works his ass off for like two or three months, and then he'll take a month off, you know, go home.

[2120] They'll take several months off sometimes, yeah.

[2121] And I like that, I like that he does that, where I'm, I'll only take a week or two off, you know.

[2122] I like that notion.

[2123] Stanhope's doing it the perfect way.

[2124] Yeah.

[2125] So, I mean, so with that in mind, you could live anywhere, you know?

[2126] You know, why not have a place in Greece or in South of France or, you know?

[2127] More travel time.

[2128] That's the pain of the dick.

[2129] And some people like to have a club that's close that they can fuck around and practice at.

[2130] Like, when I lived in Boulder, I was doing the comedy works in Denver.

[2131] It's only, like, an hour and a half from where I live.

[2132] It's pretty easy.

[2133] Drive down there, boom, do a set, get right back to the wilderness.

[2134] You know, that's like, that way you get sort of the best at both worlds type situation going on, you know.

[2135] I think that a home club is nice.

[2136] It's nice to have a spot.

[2137] So, like, where Stanhope is out in Bisby, there's no fucking club.

[2138] So that crazy asshole just do a show in his backyard.

[2139] Right, right, right, right.

[2140] Set up some speakers, plug the mic, and whee!

[2141] He did a show in Vegas In some dude's backyard There was a guy in Vegas Some kid who was hiring comedians To do shows in his yard And they have his friends come over And uh...

[2142] It was supposed to be a great gig Sandop said it was awesome And the guy got shut down By like city ordinances or something Yeah he didn't have the proper permits What a bummer What the fuck is that Wonder what the proper permits are Well then you could shut down lemonade stands You know you don't have a permit kid Right but you don't want anybody Throwing like crazy late night parties in the backyard next to you, that would suck.

[2143] Like, what if they were playing bad rap music?

[2144] Like, you're cool with it if it's stand -up, and it's funny, like, it's Stanhope doing stand -up.

[2145] But whatever, some terrible what, what, what, hack it back with me, you know, you see do, do, do, do, do, do, do, radio, don't we're here.

[2146] And you're trying to get some fucking sleep, and you're like, God damn it, this is deaf.

[2147] Maybe that's how they feel about Stanhope, talking about AIDS.

[2148] When I turned 16, my parents made the tactical error of going out of town that weekend.

[2149] And I threw one of the biggest parties OVito High School had ever seen.

[2150] And there were just cars parked all down the block and just massive party and people just, you know, drinking all night.

[2151] And I was talking to like three of the hottest girls in my school in our living room.

[2152] and this guy vomits on our living room carpet you know what I'm going to do I'm going to get down on my hands and knees you know in the middle of this party or these girls that I care about you know watch me clean some vomit so what did you do sprinkled some dog food on it let the dog in the house no did you really oh you fucking foul human being why would you want a dog to be drinking bile like that That's so disgusting.

[2153] It was the cleanest carpet era.

[2154] I hope that dog haunted you with dog farts from hell.

[2155] That poor dog right in there with stomach indigestion.

[2156] Come on.

[2157] Ripping horrible farts.

[2158] Bile farts.

[2159] That's worse me. You hear your dog's fart and you look over and you're like, come on, man. For real.

[2160] That's when a dog is comfortable with you.

[2161] They're always comfortable with you, man. They never hole in farts.

[2162] That's just something about dogs.

[2163] They never figured out.

[2164] You yell at them when they're, fart they never put two and do together like what the fuck you yell at man i'm just over here doing my thing i'm just being me i didn't even move fucking stinky bitch you ever have a dog wake you up with a fart my dogs used to fart so bad i'd be in bed i'd be like oh god what the fuck it was like i was eating shit in bed you know especially if you feed them wet food that's the key dogs love that wet food but that wet food would just just all gel together and stomach and the fermentation process and when it comes out just oh you just you feel it you feel it before you even smell it I don't know how we got this subject what dog if you like dogs you got to deal with that it's a weird thing that we have certain animals that we cherish and certain animals that we just you know we slaughter on a regular basis and they're clearly defined and when we step outside of those lines people get really upset.

[2165] I was watching this thing on TV where they, it was in the, one of the British papers, they were showing these, this, the latest trend is can the lion hunts.

[2166] Oh, I just saw that on the Guardian.

[2167] Yeah, the Guardian, that's what it was.

[2168] Yeah, I love the Guardian.

[2169] Yeah, it's really crazy.

[2170] If you haven't seen it, they raise these.

[2171] And it's disgusting.

[2172] Did you see that, it was on today's, in Today's Guardian on their website.

[2173] Yes.

[2174] And it was this beautiful lion.

[2175] Yeah.

[2176] This massive lion, and the guy standing there were like, this is rifle.

[2177] Stick underneath it.

[2178] Yeah.

[2179] Well, what's really crazy is this is not even a wild lion that's inside of a fence.

[2180] These are hand -raised lions.

[2181] So what they do is they take them from their mother, like right away.

[2182] And all they see is people.

[2183] They see lion cubs and people.

[2184] And the people provide them food and the people pet them.

[2185] So that's how you train these lions to be more docile.

[2186] So that's how when people are wandering around shooting these lions, These lions aren't stalking them and killing them Because these lions associate people with being like their parents So this is like one of the weirdest, strangest sort of canned hunts ever Because it's like shooting big dogs It's really similar shooting big dogs What's the sport in that, you know?

[2187] If you see how these lions are with the people That are in this park Before they send them to this park There's another company that's a farm that grows these lions and they take them away from their mom and then they feed them with bottles and they're cuddling with them and shit and then when they get full grown then they let them loose in this park and it's just this big giant fenced in place and the lions are walking around and then they let loose the white people and the white people come in with these guns and they set up and there's like four or five guys shooting at the lions because the lion makes it charge when you shoot them if you heard them they'll fucking charge at you they know what happened and so you got to like have like four or five dudes at the same time shoot so watch this like the lion's just sitting there chilling oh yeah they do oh look see he shot out him and missed the lion doesn't know what the fuck's going on the line doesn't recognize them it's a threat at all and then now he hit him so now the lion's running at them and then they drop the camera because they the lion hit with a bullet okay it's dying but it's running at them so they just start firing at it as it's running well this is so crazy because this is disgusting this is not even something that you you would eat for food and they're pretending that this is the dangerous game.

[2188] They're pretending that this is the they're the great white hunter, and they're out there taking down a lion.

[2189] And then they have it in their home.

[2190] Look, this is a lion I shot while I was in Africa.

[2191] Oh, Jesus.

[2192] But really, they've done, they've taken the balls out of lying hunting.

[2193] Right.

[2194] See, look, there's four guys with rifles.

[2195] Yeah.

[2196] I remember I went to, I was in Sevilla, Spain, and I went to the bull fights.

[2197] I had seen it once in Mexico, and it was one dude versus a bull, you know.

[2198] I had read Hemingway's death in the afternoon.

[2199] I thought it was like, you know, manly, it was like the minor leagues of bull fighting.

[2200] There was four guys against one bull.

[2201] One guy goes out there with the red cape, and then another dude sneaks up behind it with the prongs and sticks it in it.

[2202] And I got upset.

[2203] It was like the most cowardly chicken shit stuff I had ever seen in my life.

[2204] And that's what that lion thing reminds me of.

[2205] It's like, really four guys with rifles?

[2206] Isn't those things they jab in the bull?

[2207] Aren't they poison as well?

[2208] Hmm I don't know I didn't think so Are they poison Brian Yeah What's that Those things They jab in a bull During a bull fighting Aren't they Don't they have poison I don't know I don't know I think they do But either way They're stabbing them And you know Fucking him up He's hurt bad Yeah It's That that line thing It's really disturbing It's really disturbing It just shows How weak people are It's just such a weird Thing to want To want Well just show you Everything is for sale You can have any Experience you want If you're Flush They've appealed To the weakest of people you know the people that would want to go there just to shoot something and say they shot it and so you're shooting a pet i mean essentially that's a pet that's been let loose and the fact that they're trying look at this little hot dog is licking a lion oh you know oh that's adorable i had to see something good oh that's adorable you know like like that line clearly is not a fucking damn i mean if you went in his cage you're a beautiful creature man if you want to his cage you're probably fuck your world up if you wanted and you know the man lion uh is pretty lazy he's just lie around and fuck all the time.

[2209] The woman lion does all the hunting, right?

[2210] Yeah, if he's well fed the male lion is there to defend to make sure that he protects the females and the cubs against other males that will come in and try to rough everybody up and eat all the babies.

[2211] That's when a new male comes in, the big male has to be able to keep that male out because if that male gets in it's very likely he's going to kill all the cubs if they're not his.

[2212] He'll just dominate, take over, start fucking all these chicks again and kill all their babies.

[2213] So that's what the male's supposed to do.

[2214] The male's supposed to just take care of everything and fight off hyenas.

[2215] There you go, lions.

[2216] What I want.

[2217] It's just sad, man. It's edutainment.

[2218] It's sad that people would want to do that.

[2219] They would actually want to go and shoot something that's basically a pet.

[2220] And in this fenced -in area.

[2221] You know, we've talked about Ted Nugent on the show before.

[2222] Ted Nugent has a show called The Spirit of the Wild.

[2223] It's kind of fascinating.

[2224] and he has these ranches, two of them, one up in Minnesota and one in Texas, with his fenced -in ranch with all these deer running around on it.

[2225] He sits up in a tree, and he puts food out, and the deer walk out of the food, and it sticks him with a bow and arrow.

[2226] With his bow -hunting.

[2227] Yeah, but he eats all the meat.

[2228] I mean, that's all he eats, and he enjoys doing it, and, you know, it's all his property.

[2229] Deer meat makes you very flatulent, so he's a...

[2230] Does it?

[2231] Where did you hear that?

[2232] Haven't you ever had venison?

[2233] Yeah, I have.

[2234] It lights the bottle -hole up.

[2235] Hmm, maybe that's a personal thing.

[2236] I've revealed too much of it.

[2237] What makes me flat in is milk.

[2238] Ice cream.

[2239] Ice cream will make me have horrible farts.

[2240] I did, what was it, politically incorrect, when it was on Comedy Central years ago.

[2241] Oh, yeah.

[2242] When Bill Maher was first, you know, his first version of his show with Ted Nugent.

[2243] And so nobody got in an edge word in edgewise because he just, he just dominated the ball.

[2244] Yeah.

[2245] And afterwards, we're in the green room, and he comes up to me, and he puts his arm around me, And it's Tom, I like you, man. And I want you to have my magazine.

[2246] And he's got the magazine in his left hand.

[2247] He's got his right arm around me. It's called, it's Ted Nugent's Bowhunting magazine.

[2248] He goes, now, Tom, this magazine is more than about bowhunting.

[2249] This is about you and who you are as a man and getting in touch with your inner being.

[2250] I read the fucking magazine.

[2251] Cover to cover.

[2252] it was about bo -hunting it had nothing to do with me well to him that's what bo -hunting is about bow -hunting is about some spiritual quest to tap into the essence of the wilderness right even if he does it with an arrow that's kind of that's old school well it is he's really good at what is that song oh that's right why must we eat the animals that's right this is a real video by the way this is a white guy And this is a vegan reggae song.

[2253] Oh, wow.

[2254] And if this doesn't make you both laugh and want to get violent.

[2255] Look this.

[2256] You've got to see the video, too.

[2257] Look at how fucking hilarious this is.

[2258] Why must we eat the animals?

[2259] When I was in New Zealand, it was a billboard for something.

[2260] I don't know if it was a restaurant or something.

[2261] but it said if it didn't have a mother it doesn't go on our grill they won't even cook beans they won't even they won't even grill zucchini get the fuck out of here with this this guy's hilarious yeah and he's showing like things in this video that people don't eat like big yeah like they're showing like whales giraffe Japanese people do hunt the whales and he's like got the cow here you know Now, here's the real problem with this philosophy.

[2262] If you really did that, do you know how many people would get sick from poor nutrition?

[2263] First of all, they already are, right?

[2264] So that's a bad argument.

[2265] But the real issue is, what are you going to do with all these animals now?

[2266] Because if you're not killing them, you better introduce some predators into the food chain because otherwise you're going to have deer everywhere.

[2267] You aren't going to be able to drive.

[2268] You're not going to have cows are going to be all over there.

[2269] You're going to keep them from fucking?

[2270] You're going to castrate them?

[2271] You're going to, what are you going to do?

[2272] How are you going to neuter them?

[2273] How are you going to manage the population?

[2274] Are you going to kill a few?

[2275] What do you do then?

[2276] You don't eat the meat.

[2277] That seems pretty ridiculous when people are starving in the world and you ship it in boxes of fresh vegetables that are rotting.

[2278] My favorite sandwich is the BLT.

[2279] It's a great sandwich.

[2280] How are you going to take away bacon?

[2281] Dude, I've been eating the fuck out of bacon lately.

[2282] Bacon's good for you.

[2283] I went back to bacon.

[2284] Fuck, yeah, you did.

[2285] I had, like, turkey bacon for like two years.

[2286] I, like, started eating turkey bacon.

[2287] And I was like, oh, this tastes good enough.

[2288] Man, fuck that.

[2289] Yeah.

[2290] Good fat bacon.

[2291] Like freshly sliced bacon, not like the Oscar Meyer packs that you can buy.

[2292] You know what's the shit?

[2293] Oh, you're hardcore.

[2294] You're the boar's head at the deli.

[2295] You get that bacon out of the glass case.

[2296] You ever get the bacon they have at the Whole Foods?

[2297] Yes.

[2298] They get that fat bacon.

[2299] You got to go Rob Wolf style, though.

[2300] Dude, you got to cook it slow.

[2301] You got to get a big frying pan and cook it slow.

[2302] He does it on like some electrical jammy, but he cooks his bacon for like three hours.

[2303] Wow.

[2304] Yeah.

[2305] But when you do it, that, you do it, that.

[2306] way like if you ever go to like a four seasons and you eat at the buffet and you get that bacon you're like how the fuck are they doing this because my bacon's always fucked up and twisted black their bacon is like consistent and a rich brown and it's so perfect it's because they're slow cooking that bitch slow cooking that bitch i'm gonna get some bacon right now this podcast is over tom roads you're a bad motherfucker love you joe glad we're friends i love you too buddy respect and please let's do this more often it's ridiculous i totally i i totally i i I love your show, man. And then, you know, it's...

[2307] You're coming on again, all right?

[2308] You fuck.

[2309] I love you, baby.

[2310] I love you, too, man. All right, thank you, everybody, for tuning in to the podcast.

[2311] We appreciate the shit out of you.

[2312] Thanks to audible .com for sponsoring the podcast.

[2313] Go to audible .com forward slash Joe and get yourself free 30 days of service and one free audio book, the premier audio resource on the internet.

[2314] I love audible .com.

[2315] They're a fucking fantastic company.

[2316] Go check them out.

[2317] We're also brought to you by Hub.

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[2321] Use the code name Rogan, save 10 % off any in all supplements.

[2322] We are gone until Thursday night.

[2323] And Thursday night, I'm going to be doing a special after I get off of work.

[2324] Guy with Kelly Starrett.

[2325] And Kelly is a, he's growing to be very popular on the internet with some really excellent ideas about maintaining your body, taking care of injuries and shit.

[2326] So we're going to talk to you about that.

[2327] The human anatomy.

[2328] We're going to get down and dirty about muscles and tendons and ligaments and shit and discs.

[2329] And then Monday, we'll be back with Bobcat, Goldweight, and we've got some other cool guests next week.

[2330] All right, you fucks.

[2331] We love the shit out of you.

[2332] Friday, Ice House.

[2333] Oh, yeah, Friday, Ice House.

[2334] Friday, Ice House.

[2335] Tom Rhodes, Joey Diaz.

[2336] me, Brian Redband, and maybe we'll even get Brian to drive down after he does his show in Calabasas.

[2337] Okay, we love you.

[2338] Thank you, everybody.

[2339] Thank you.