Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, my name is Sarah Silverman, and I feel ambivalent, I guess, or what's...
[1] Well, that's just fantastic.
[2] Ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[3] Can tell that we are going to be friends.
[4] Hey there.
[5] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[6] Joined by my chums, my pals, my amigos.
[7] Sona Mofsessian.
[8] Hello, Sona.
[9] Hi, Conan.
[10] Oh, you're, get your fist over your mouth.
[11] Is it a, yeah, it's just comfortable this way.
[12] I know, but it sounds to people listening that you've had a mini stroke.
[13] And Matt Gourley, how are you?
[14] Ola, amigo.
[15] Okay.
[16] Nice, you're bilingual.
[17] That's fantastic.
[18] It's as far as it goes.
[19] We have lovely show today.
[20] Excited about it.
[21] And I see we're twinning a little bit.
[22] We've both not shaved.
[23] Yeah.
[24] And I'm stunned.
[25] by the face I see in the morning when I look in the mirror.
[26] Because I'm used to shaving.
[27] I shave a lot.
[28] I like this look on you.
[29] It looks good.
[30] But it's a total, you know, gold prospector time.
[31] It's a ghostly white beard that's freaking me out.
[32] Yeah, so is this the first time you've had a beard in a while since it's gone full on?
[33] Yeah, it's gone.
[34] It's funny.
[35] It used to be sort of coppery.
[36] It was redder than my hair.
[37] Sort of, well, you know, kind of like Prince Harry's.
[38] I'm just saying that because he's a name that everyone's talking about and I think I'm a lot like Prince Harry How so?
[39] Well, hounded by the Papps I'm forced to leave my native country Hounded by the Paps to marry the woman I loved Is your native country?
[40] Yeah.
[41] Which one is it?
[42] Let's not get into it.
[43] Let's not ask a lot of questions.
[44] You don't know what to answer the very basic question of which country?
[45] Why can't people just accept that I am so much like Prince Harry?
[46] Oh, it's because you're not.
[47] You're not at all like him.
[48] Yeah.
[49] Well, I don't know.
[50] I was when I got married, People said, sorry, ladies, but eligible Bachelor, Conan O 'Brien, is off the market.
[51] You know, he made jokes, but probably people said that.
[52] They didn't.
[53] I went looking.
[54] I was trying to be nice.
[55] You went looking.
[56] I hired six publicists to scour through microfilm, internet, everything.
[57] No, not one mention.
[58] We gave people a script and asked them to say that, and they still wouldn't do it.
[59] Yeah.
[60] No, a lot of women everywhere rejoice that El Cripo is off the market.
[61] That was a headline in the New York Times.
[62] A cruel paper.
[63] No, I had, it was very coppery red, and now I'll get up in the morning and I'll forget that I have, you know, I've just let it go.
[64] Yeah.
[65] And I look like my own ghost from the future.
[66] I think you look distinguished.
[67] Well, thank you.
[68] I think you look real.
[69] Yours looks good.
[70] Oh, thank you.
[71] Does it keep you warm?
[72] Does it even do, does it do anything?
[73] You know what it is?
[74] I remember my son, when he was really young, asked me, because this was back when I had originally had my beard for a little while during our touring period, during all that craziness in 2010.
[75] And he was worried because he thought, you know, someday he had to be able to grow a beard.
[76] And he thought that it hurt.
[77] He said, does it hurt when the hair pushes up through the skin?
[78] And I said, like you wouldn't believe.
[79] Oh, no, you lied.
[80] Yeah.
[81] I told him that it's very, very, it's an ending agony.
[82] Do you get food stuck in it?
[83] I don't think so.
[84] Okay.
[85] Not at this length, but there is a point.
[86] No, if we really let it go, and I don't know that I'm really going to let it go.
[87] Does Easy top it?
[88] You know what?
[89] Letterman.
[90] Letterman did that crazy escaped convict who's been living in the woods for six years, beard.
[91] And, you know, the Rumpelstiltskin beard where he fell asleep for 15 years.
[92] And so anyone else, no, it's like he grabbed that piece of pie.
[93] None of us can do that now.
[94] Are you bitter about it?
[95] Very bitter.
[96] Why don't you just do long mutton chops, long gray mutton chops that look like whisker wings?
[97] Yeah, like an old general in the Civil War.
[98] Yeah.
[99] But down so low that you could like wrap them under your armpits and flip them back.
[100] Wait, so it's going, it's basically sideburns that go down and then I braid them with my armpit hair.
[101] Yes.
[102] So it all attaches.
[103] And then I can, it's like a sling from my iPhone.
[104] Yes.
[105] And you could like theoretically move your head to the left and your right.
[106] right arm will come up.
[107] Yeah.
[108] You're like a puppeting yourself.
[109] Yeah.
[110] I could be my own puppeteer.
[111] I could be both puppet and puppeteer.
[112] That's what you've always wanted.
[113] That's the dream.
[114] That is the dream.
[115] No, I think this will go, it'll go soon.
[116] But what I will say is I've sometimes thought of growing crazy sideburns.
[117] Yeah, you should.
[118] Just real crazy sideburns.
[119] Why not?
[120] Because it would go with your kind of rockabilly aspirations.
[121] Yeah.
[122] Do you think you can Do you think you can pull it off?
[123] What do you mean?
[124] Pull it off.
[125] Say, say, be honest.
[126] I don't know.
[127] Do you have the, do you have that persona for?
[128] Rockabilly?
[129] Like, no, for like, sideburns.
[130] Well, listen, you've seen me perform rockabilly.
[131] I know, yeah.
[132] But you don't perform it all the time.
[133] I know.
[134] You're touring.
[135] I know.
[136] But I could.
[137] What I'm saying is, if I got the hair combed up and I got the flip collar going and I had crazy sideburns?
[138] Yeah.
[139] You want to be a cool guy with sideburns?
[140] burns?
[141] Here's the problem.
[142] When you hit a certain age and you're still out there playing electric guitar, uh, I remember it was, I was playing once with my band and one of my writers, I don't know if it was Sweeney or Matt.
[143] Someone said, um, that was fantastic.
[144] It's like a Viagra commercial.
[145] And I immediately thought of the guy who's in his like 60s.
[146] And there was one where where a guy's playing, he's rocking it out in his band and his wife who's got long gray hair and it's like 60 is with him with a tambourine.
[147] The minute I heard that, I burned.
[148] my guitar.
[149] But got a huge boner.
[150] Oh, massive.
[151] Because I didn't realize you're supposed to just take one.
[152] I put seven of them in a smoothie.
[153] Yeah.
[154] And I rented myself out as a coat hook at the Embarcadiro room.
[155] Oh.
[156] God.
[157] I don't like that imagery.
[158] What?
[159] Just people coming and hanging things on your dick?
[160] Well, I like that...
[161] Is your pair of pants up?
[162] I like that anyone, if I rented myself, out to a Stork Club coat room because I had a never -ending boner from meeting seven Viagras that they would accept that because they, it's somehow better than a normal coat hook.
[163] And not only that, it's one of those coat hooks that if you pull down, it opens a secret passage to the back of the room.
[164] But I scream as you pull it down.
[165] How many coats can you hold with your dick?
[166] Are you kidding me?
[167] I'm a, guess what?
[168] Four wet raincoats and a parka.
[169] Ladies Just so you know I've tested it These are wet raincoats Not dry, dry doesn't count I know there are some comedians out there soon Give me a dry raincoat Four wet raincoats These are the really good Like British raincoats And a parka that's laden with snow And has two five pound weights In the mitten pockets That's what this whole A cockaroo can do A caro Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
[170] You said the lucky word for the day.
[171] All right, well, we got...
[172] I think we have a show here somewhere.
[173] My guest today is a very funny comedian and actress.
[174] You know from the Larry Sanders show, the Sarah Silverman program, and Wreck -it Ralph.
[175] She's currently touring the country on her Grossome Lips tour.
[176] Tickets are available now.
[177] She's also guest hosting The Daily Show all next week on Comedy Central.
[178] That'll be great.
[179] I'm thrilled.
[180] She's here.
[181] Sarah Silverman, welcome.
[182] Sarah, you know I love you.
[183] I do.
[184] And I have for a long time.
[185] And we've been in the comedy trenches together.
[186] I like to act like it's sort of like trench warfare.
[187] When doing comedy is nothing like trench warfare.
[188] Right.
[189] Dysentery rats, bullets flying.
[190] I remember when you first came on my show in, I think it was 1993 when you were seven years old.
[191] That's right.
[192] You were just a tiny, tiny kid when you came on my show for the first time.
[193] And I was like your friendly old uncle.
[194] I was frightened.
[195] You know, it was more of a creepy uncle?
[196] No, just to, you know, be on TV.
[197] Oh, you were in front to be on TV?
[198] No, I don't know.
[199] Maybe you were.
[200] I don't know.
[201] But being on your show is the best.
[202] Well, thank you.
[203] But you always seemed fearless.
[204] Always.
[205] And I know that that's not true, but you're really good at faking it.
[206] Right.
[207] Thank you.
[208] And you're really good at going out there with really, smart, very edgy material and selling it.
[209] And afterwards, you leave this impression of sweetness and light.
[210] And I always think, how is that possible?
[211] Do you know what I mean?
[212] It's a magic trick you manage to pull off.
[213] It's like a aftertaste.
[214] There is.
[215] There's a very pleasant, God loves Sarah.
[216] She's so great after you're done.
[217] And then when I look at the transcript of some of the things that you've said, I want to have you arrested.
[218] So it's a very, very cool thing that you do.
[219] Thank you.
[220] This is over now.
[221] I'm ready to say.
[222] No, we're done.
[223] There was no question.
[224] I was just saying nice things about you.
[225] I was happy.
[226] I walked into the office and you had already gotten here and I walked upstairs and immediately I see you wearing a Philson's winter hat, which makes me really happy.
[227] I know you're from New Hampshire.
[228] Yeah.
[229] I'm from Massachusetts.
[230] I'm from Massachusetts, I'm wearing, I'm willing the weather to be colder than it is here in Los Angeles.
[231] So I'm wearing a very, I think you described it as very sexy and manly.
[232] Maybe I said that.
[233] I think it's, it's, what it is, is it's, I would say this is L .A. rugged.
[234] But, you know how you can like buy like $1 ,000 sneakers that look like they're used and jeans with holes in them and they're like expensive?
[235] Yeah.
[236] I mean, I'm just saying, like, if this were for actual cold weather, it would be lined.
[237] It would be lined.
[238] It's not lined.
[239] You're right.
[240] And what is this new fancy thing of unlined clothes?
[241] That's cheaper.
[242] Well, I don't think this is a very, I'm honestly saying this is not a very expensive.
[243] Is it a jacket or a shirt?
[244] You know, that's, it's called a shacket.
[245] Is it really?
[246] No, I just made that up.
[247] It's kind of a halfway between.
[248] Who makes it?
[249] It's not like this fancy company.
[250] It is a company called.
[251] Flint and Tinder Oh you knew Well the minute you said Flint I knew what it was Flint and Tinder And I'm not doing an ad for them But if they want to send me some stuff I'll split it with you Okay It is nice though I'm being I'm negging you Because I read the game And I heard that's Yeah that like brings them You know I pray on your insecurities That you'll want From me More if I Neg you I try to, because that's the thing that you do in dating.
[252] They say you're supposed to, you can do it in business.
[253] You can say, I don't really think you have a great company here.
[254] Oh, please, we'll lower our price.
[255] Well, I really don't think you, you know, that's, but they also say you can do it in dating.
[256] That's what is, that's the game.
[257] That's the, that book the game.
[258] Yeah, I'm always current.
[259] It's from about 19 years ago.
[260] Yeah, that's fine.
[261] It was current 19 years ago.
[262] You know when people on the internet go like, well, remember when you used to be funny?
[263] Or is that just me?
[264] I don't know what you're talking about.
[265] Yeah.
[266] I've never had, I've, this is interesting, I'm the only celebrity that's never had a negative thing said about me in social media.
[267] Oh my God, that's amazing.
[268] I've had them scrub the entire internet since 1993.
[269] It's unbelievable.
[270] Not one negative comment ever, of any kind.
[271] Oh, my God.
[272] So anyway, you get that sometimes?
[273] Remember when you used to be funny?
[274] Yeah, I do.
[275] But I get that and I go, oh, these jerks, they're, you know, whatever.
[276] But then last night, I was like, I remembered some old material and I was like, I did used to be way funnier.
[277] I mean, that is, and I do remember it.
[278] I mean, I was pretty hardcore funny.
[279] It's funny because my response would be, you used to think I was funny.
[280] Oh.
[281] Wow.
[282] Like what year specifically?
[283] 1995.
[284] What's that?
[285] You're all red.
[286] I just wanted to see my.
[287] fingerprint oh am i all red yeah you just suddenly got red i think because i it's it you know i am as we all know very white and when i laugh or show joy my face gets red in that irish way and then yes you can put your palm on my forehead and if you take it off quickly yeah oh there you go oh my god oh my god cool right yeah it's really fun is it cool well the problem is i just burst a vessel in my brain So I've got about 30 seconds to live.
[288] Yeah.
[289] Isn't it funny what we do for...
[290] To get a laugh.
[291] I mean, I can like make my hand like really like contorted, like, you know, like I go like this.
[292] Oh my God.
[293] Look at that.
[294] And people go, how do you do that?
[295] I go, it hurts.
[296] You know, like, that's how bad I want attention, I guess.
[297] Oh, it is, I can't do that at all.
[298] It's just painful.
[299] That looks insane.
[300] I mean, look at that.
[301] That is...
[302] Oh, my.
[303] Absolutely.
[304] We'll take a picture so you can post us still.
[305] Well, I think we already got it.
[306] Look at that.
[307] What?
[308] Is this a video podcast?
[309] Yeah.
[310] Is it really?
[311] Sure.
[312] Why not?
[313] Oh, no. No, you look amazing.
[314] I guess.
[315] I, to that point, if I thought I could make, it's got to be a pretty good size crowd.
[316] I'm going to say at least 3 ,500.
[317] Oh.
[318] Let's talk like Beacon Theater.
[319] Some big crowd.
[320] Yeah.
[321] But if I thought it would get a really big, great reaction, I would shatter my pelvis.
[322] If I knew that that was going to happen beforehand, and they said it's going to really hurt, and you'll get some, it'll be like a year before you walk again, and you're going to have a lot of pins, I'd be saying, but how hard do they laugh?
[323] Right.
[324] And they'd say, well, you know, it's like a four minutes.
[325] Four minutes.
[326] Wow.
[327] Have you, I mean, I've seen you, you fell off a water buffalo once, And that was part of the show so that, you know, I've seen you actually hurt yourself before, many times.
[328] Yeah, many times I have hurt myself.
[329] I don't know.
[330] Because I don't have, at my very core, I don't love myself.
[331] I love laughter.
[332] Isn't that, wait, that chill you to the bones?
[333] It did.
[334] It made me uncomfortable.
[335] I don't know.
[336] Well, I didn't mean it.
[337] I'll just joking around.
[338] Let's talk about you.
[339] Finally.
[340] I mean, But really, should we?
[341] Like, you interview people, so there's still a lot people don't know about you, although I think there's a lot people do.
[342] But is there anything left for me to reveal or say?
[343] I feel like, oh, there was something when I was eating salad with everyone out there.
[344] We had a little bit of a, it was a festive day here at work.
[345] Erica Brown went and got a lot of great food and laid it all out.
[346] That does not usually happen.
[347] I usually forbid that kind of thing.
[348] Of course.
[349] I'm sort of the Scrooge here.
[350] I don't like a lot of joy.
[351] Oh, that's right.
[352] I want to write a comment card for whatever the restaurant they got that from.
[353] I just have a comment.
[354] Oh, and it was.
[355] You can say.
[356] Well, I just feel like I don't think you need to have sundried tomato pieces be that big.
[357] Yes, I agree with you.
[358] I would cut each one into ninths, sprinkle it in throughout the salad, not just on top.
[359] And they only use like a third.
[360] It was a tubular pasta, a penny, I believe, with a light cream sauce.
[361] And then each piece of sun -dried tomato was a whole sun -dried tomato.
[362] Yeah, it was like vertical slices that were very long.
[363] Yeah, yeah.
[364] It's, you know, it's an accent wall.
[365] It's not the whole room, right?
[366] Exactly.
[367] Well, see, here's the thing.
[368] You thought there was nothing left you could reveal.
[369] You just revealed something about yourself.
[370] I'm helping people.
[371] You pay attention to the details.
[372] You always have.
[373] Yeah, God, I am.
[374] Well, oh, because we were talking out there and I go, I don't think I have anything left to reveal of myself.
[375] And then y 'all were like, well, how about the thing you just said?
[376] I go, oh, yeah, maybe, which is I have a very, I feel, rational fear of getting dementia and masturbating in public.
[377] That's specific.
[378] Very specific.
[379] And then even every once in a while, like every healthy person does, if I do choose to masturbate in a closet alone with several locks, I go, hold on a second.
[380] Do I have dementia and I'm elderly and I'm in a wheelchair at like my grandson's bat mitzvah right now?
[381] Bar mitzvah.
[382] These are not erotic thoughts.
[383] If you're trying to achieve the orgasmic state, you can't be thinking about, wait a minute, am I an incontinent person in a wheelchair?
[384] That's all I can, that's the only way I can come.
[385] That's crazy, me too.
[386] I'm like, I'm so old.
[387] I'm so old.
[388] I'm so goddamn old.
[389] I'm just shitting myself constantly.
[390] Is it okay though?
[391] I mean, you can get away with it because you have dementia.
[392] I mean, it's not okay, but it's like, oh, she's got dementia.
[393] Yeah, but it's definitely not how you want to be remembered.
[394] Well.
[395] I don't know.
[396] You know, here's what I think about this sometimes because I may already be suffering from dementia.
[397] I don't know.
[398] That's how I feel very worried.
[399] But I sometimes, you know, there's all these people that say, I don't want to be a burden on my loved ones.
[400] Yeah.
[401] I want to be a burden.
[402] What's the point of having kids otherwise?
[403] Exactly.
[404] I've been, I've, I've worked hard my whole life and I think I've been good to my, my wife and my children.
[405] I want to be an amazing burden.
[406] A huge burden.
[407] Yeah.
[408] More pudding, you know, just constantly.
[409] Ding, ding, ding.
[410] You have a little bell.
[411] No intercom.
[412] No, you don't use a cell phone.
[413] I get a big.
[414] Big bell, dong, don't you think you've already kind of been a burden?
[415] I mean, isn't it like kind of nice at the end to just be like, just put me somewhere and visit.
[416] Okay.
[417] I don't know.
[418] Yeah, yeah.
[419] All right.
[420] Well, yeah.
[421] Look, I think you're going to be fine.
[422] You're as sharp as ever.
[423] Do you have, I have the thing now where if I can't come up with a name, I immediately think I've lost it.
[424] Yeah.
[425] And then I realized, I was talking to a neurologist, just.
[426] at a social event.
[427] And he said, no, it's just that we have way too much to remember now.
[428] And then it changed.
[429] We have to know, like, who's the cast of the love boat?
[430] Right, but who was the bartender?
[431] But who played him?
[432] Okay, I mean, all that.
[433] Well, we know all those answers.
[434] I know.
[435] That's the sad thing.
[436] But don't ask me about the U .S. Constitution.
[437] Is it Lang or Lange would be that.
[438] But that is the sad part.
[439] I have a counter to that.
[440] Uh -huh.
[441] We have not had to remember a zillion things we've had to remember.
[442] We don't have to remember anything.
[443] right now because we have computers in our pockets.
[444] You're right.
[445] Do you know, I don't know my, my live -in partner's phone number.
[446] I know it starts with 9 -17.
[447] I bet I can figure it out from there.
[448] Yeah, I mean, how many, there could only be a handful of combinations after that.
[449] I don't know much about math, but I think I could get it in about four tries.
[450] That, I mean, the only way, if they're, when the grid gets shut down by Russia or some kind of natural disaster or whatever, we're all going to have to just hope someone is at the phone number of the house where we grew up at or our best friend at that time because those are the only numbers I know and probably the same for everyone.
[451] I have had moments where I have misplaced my phone.
[452] I don't know where it is and I'm out in the world and it's shocking how little you know in your mind.
[453] I mean, I think I don't know how to call just about anybody.
[454] You know, Sona, you've been with me for like 12, 13 years.
[455] You forget your own number.
[456] I don't know your number.
[457] I forget my number because I just have to, you know.
[458] You don't need to remember it.
[459] Right.
[460] There's an Armenian flag and I punch it and then it calls you.
[461] Is that how I'm saved in your phone?
[462] Yeah.
[463] Just an Armenian flag.
[464] Yeah.
[465] So you don't know any other Armenians.
[466] I don't even know your last name.
[467] Oh.
[468] I just know.
[469] But no, actually, it goes to you or Cher.
[470] It goes to either one of you.
[471] If you had Sherer's number and you didn't give it to me. We'd have a problem.
[472] Share asked me. I'm not thinking of a tail.
[473] Oh, no. Let's just say that.
[474] Which Cher is like real name?
[475] Sherilyn.
[476] Sarkeesian.
[477] That's her last name?
[478] Sarkeesian?
[479] Mm -hmm.
[480] I can't believe I never knew that.
[481] See?
[482] And now you do have something else to reveal.
[483] The next time you're on a podcast, you know shares real name.
[484] You can tell people you know shares real name.
[485] So what do we do?
[486] How do we, I mean, you're much younger than I. I think you're hitting on all cylinders.
[487] I really do.
[488] You look fantastic.
[489] Your brain is razor sharp.
[490] I think you should be worried about me. I'm more you should worry about.
[491] I'm falling apart like an old tree.
[492] I'm always worried.
[493] You were like the tree and the giving tree.
[494] Now you're just a stump.
[495] And yet still, you're like, you can use me as a chair.
[496] Isn't that how it goes?
[497] I think so.
[498] I can't remember.
[499] It's so sad.
[500] Right.
[501] But that's the way to think of me. I'm falling apart, but you can use me as a chair at some point when I'm just a stump.
[502] That's funny that you called me a stump because my mother growing up would refer to me as a bold stump.
[503] She'd say you're a bold stump.
[504] And I never knew what that was.
[505] I think it's an old Irish thing, like a stump that was right in the middle of the farm in Ireland, that you had to kind of like pull out of the ground with ropes.
[506] Don't we have like computers in her pockets?
[507] I want to know what bold stump means.
[508] I've looked it up.
[509] I've tried.
[510] I've even asked Irish people, they don't know what I'm talking about.
[511] I looked it up.
[512] Yeah, and what does it say?
[513] It's exactly what you described.
[514] In Irish terms, it says you can find a few examples, apparently meaning bold or a bold person.
[515] I don't know what the word.
[516] Oh, he's a bold stump, that one.
[517] Right.
[518] I know, but it was just so funny that I was, I mean, my mother grew up in the United States, as did her mother and her parents.
[519] You know, it's like, we had been around for a while, but she was still saying things like, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, you're a bold stump don't you be a bold stump and then I would go to school and my teachers are wearing deschikis and it's super cool liberal you know there's like a Malcolm X poster on the wall and we're all you know listening to be listening to free to be you and me and everything's groovy and I've just been growing up in Victorian Ireland for some reason just outside Boston my mother used to sing Danny boy to me at night with a whispery Irish accent.
[520] Why?
[521] I don't know.
[522] To put me to sleep or sing me to sleep, whatever?
[523] That's a weird one.
[524] Yeah, well, she's a weird one.
[525] But you have no Irish, there's no Irish blood.
[526] No, but she loved Ireland.
[527] It was her favorite place and she married an Irishman, although he's from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
[528] I used to sing our children to sleep at night with Ava Nagilia.
[529] Oh my God, that's so crazy.
[530] This is like the gift of the Magi.
[531] It is.
[532] It was my kids were like, I don't want to go to bed.
[533] I'm like, Hava, Nagila, Avahna gila.
[534] But then I would try and get them to be, I try to hoist them up in a chair.
[535] Yeah.
[536] They're like, I'm not sleepy.
[537] I'm not sleepy now.
[538] I'd get them and my wife would come in and go, what are you doing?
[539] And I'd say it's a mitzvah.
[540] It got really, it got really, man, it was a mess.
[541] But anyway, did you have a happy childhood?
[542] You've talked about how it really wasn't.
[543] Do you think I could absolutely paint a happy picture of a childhood that would also be true.
[544] I think everybody can make you cry with their miserable childhood and make you envious of your perfect childhood whilst not lying.
[545] Yes.
[546] You know?
[547] Yeah.
[548] We all have both flavors running through things.
[549] And I attribute most of the whatever unhappiness was, there's, you know, different reasons for it.
[550] But I remember thinking, yeah, my anxiety does.
[551] is way too high.
[552] It took me years to figure that out that not only was I anxious, but I think a lot of us were anxious in that house.
[553] And then mitigating it because it's you can't control your own and then you can't control anyone else's and that affects yours.
[554] Right.
[555] You know?
[556] One of the things that...
[557] Listen, if dad's ponies didn't come through, that wasn't my dad.
[558] That wasn't my dad either.
[559] My dad was in a laboratory like with a cyclotron looking at, bacteria, but I loved to tell people that he was a drunk at the racetrack.
[560] Because it's fun for me to paint that picture.
[561] People would think I was cooler if you were constantly, like you showed up today for the podcast and we're like, he went to the track and he's deep in a hole and we, he's, we can't get him out of there.
[562] You know, he really fucked up.
[563] Like, ooh, he's so, like, tortured.
[564] He's tortured.
[565] And I'd come in and my clothes were all wrinkled.
[566] and I have a lot of racing forms coming out of my pockets.
[567] I'm like, I got goddamn nag.
[568] You know, really screwed me over in the final stretch.
[569] Do you have a hat?
[570] I have a crumpled hat.
[571] Yeah, with the tickets in it?
[572] I don't know.
[573] I think you're thinking that's like an old press people.
[574] Yeah, you're thinking of the old press people.
[575] Hey, I'm at the press.
[576] Sorry, I'm off.
[577] In the 1930s, you could just wear a hat and write press on a card and stick it in your hat brim and get into any crime scene whatsoever.
[578] Hey, this is a, oh, sorry, sir.
[579] You have a three by five card in your hat.
[580] Okay, here's my idea.
[581] I want to do something.
[582] They would totally infuriate people and I've been obsessed with this for a while but I want to get a siren for my car and every now and then if I'm in a rush to get somewhere and there's a lot of traffic in L .A. I put the siren on the top of my car and woo, woo, woo, people get out of the way.
[583] But then eventually I pull up somewhere and people notice me just getting out of my car.
[584] Right.
[585] And they're like, what the fuck?
[586] and I'd be like, hey man, celebrity.
[587] Like, it's my celebrity siren.
[588] And it would make people so mad.
[589] Can you imagine?
[590] But what?
[591] Woo, woo, who clear out of the way.
[592] Woo, woo.
[593] Celebrity.
[594] And they're like, well, not really.
[595] It's been a while since you were on the air.
[596] Yeah.
[597] And I'm like real entitled about it.
[598] Just a bypass traffic?
[599] Woo, woo, who.
[600] Everybody pull the side of the road.
[601] Yeah.
[602] He's trying to get to coy.
[603] Yeah.
[604] No, it's never something important.
[605] He's meeting David Spade at Koi.
[606] Why do they know that?
[607] They just do.
[608] Why do people on the street know that?
[609] I would also get a, I would get a PA thing.
[610] Because I'm like, move aside.
[611] I'm meeting David Spade at Koi.
[612] We're going to talk about the late 80s.
[613] Woo!
[614] I would just love it.
[615] People would get so, so mad.
[616] Yeah.
[617] Then you'd be arrested for impersonating a police officer.
[618] I never wore the uniform.
[619] I never impersonated a...
[620] But you got a thing.
[621] You got a woo -woo on your car.
[622] So what?
[623] That's impersonating.
[624] Maybe it's an ambulance one.
[625] Yeah.
[626] I've never heard of a lot.
[627] You can't impersonate an ambulance.
[628] Yeah.
[629] Yeah.
[630] Maybe I'm with the Forestry Service.
[631] I'm here to cut dangerous brush.
[632] You don't know what my sirens for.
[633] By the time they figure it out, I'm long gone.
[634] They'll never catch me. They'll know it.
[635] It's you, though.
[636] Yeah, they'll just go to your house or...
[637] Yeah, I move around a lot.
[638] I'm pretty shifty.
[639] You don't.
[640] Not at all.
[641] You're not shifty at all.
[642] Pretty much know exactly where you are at any given time.
[643] Yeah.
[644] You were just at my house not too long ago.
[645] Yeah.
[646] We don't need to get specific, but you were there and you add life to any party.
[647] You do.
[648] You're always fun.
[649] People love to see you.
[650] It's always a good, I mean, it was a good group.
[651] We had a good group together.
[652] Yeah.
[653] We had a good time.
[654] And then I made everyone go around the room and talk about.
[655] their favorite qualities that I have.
[656] That didn't go well.
[657] I have been around, I have been at parties where people have done that where they're supposed to, it's a woman's birthday and everyone's supposed to go around and talk about what they know about that person.
[658] And then I always think, isn't this what Stalin made people do?
[659] Like, now you're done.
[660] Why am I great leader?
[661] I could never do that, ever.
[662] Did you join in?
[663] Did you say something?
[664] at that party?
[665] At which party?
[666] That party where you were supposed to say something nice?
[667] Did you just go pass?
[668] No, I'm not going to that.
[669] I said something.
[670] Oh, that's nice.
[671] Yeah, it wasn't that heartfelt.
[672] I'm sure there were a few little barbed jabs in there.
[673] Of course.
[674] Oh, I just understood what you're doing.
[675] Okay.
[676] One thing I really love about you, Connie.
[677] Yes.
[678] Whoa, that took a while.
[679] God damn.
[680] So did you have anxiety?
[681] Or would you call it depression when you?
[682] you were a kid.
[683] I had both.
[684] Well, no, I was like, things started out great.
[685] Like, it may have been hard for my older sisters.
[686] My parents hated each other, but I was like pretty much loving life as a kid.
[687] I was the youngest.
[688] I, I just, um, I was had friends.
[689] I, you know, and then something just like, well, I was a bedwet or so sleeping at friends.
[690] houses was not good except for my three best friends.
[691] They were like twins and another third.
[692] But even then, I do remember I wet my, I peed in my sleeping bag on Amy Martin's floor and I just did not want her parents to get involved, you know?
[693] So I woke up a little early, but there was nothing I could do.
[694] And she knew I was a bedrider.
[695] So I flipped the sleeping.
[696] bag and then once you woke up I go I peed but I peed up you know because like the circle was like up so you don't have to tell your mom you know I just remember that I don't understand I know it's not a very good lie but amongst peed on it and then went back in no like I just like it shot up and so it didn't hit the rug at all or anything yeah yeah so you don't have to tell your mom because it's I peed up.
[697] I made it so the circle is up.
[698] I get it now.
[699] Okay.
[700] I loved it.
[701] I hope you had to explain it this thoroughly at that time to everybody.
[702] You see, the liquid, the urine went up, not touching in contact with the floor or the rug.
[703] We all know that water or moisture never works its way down, so it stayed there for the evening.
[704] This is like, honestly, there are a lot of moments from my childhood that Tim Robinson could use for, I think you could.
[705] Like, I could see him arguing that on.
[706] I think you could leave.
[707] No, I peed up.
[708] But I was a little bit happy, go lucky.
[709] And then, like, depression hit me. What age was?
[710] I was just about 13.
[711] Yeah.
[712] To, like, 16.
[713] Horrible.
[714] And then I was better again for a while.
[715] Right.
[716] And this is the point.
[717] part, the eternal question is, did you need that period of time to be creative?
[718] Did you need that?
[719] I've had every therapist in the world say, no, you don't need that.
[720] You didn't need it.
[721] And there's some part of me that's always the self -inflicting part of me that's thinking, no, anxiety helped you or that depression helped you.
[722] And that's a bad, you know, that's a tricky thing to play with.
[723] you don't want anyone thinking I need this because they don't need it.
[724] But then there's part of you that thinks maybe I did need it.
[725] I don't know if that's just Catholics that do that.
[726] I do think that it's a good thing to go, I'm the sum of all of my parts and all my experience have brought me to this place that is good.
[727] But I don't think it's, I don't think it's, I think it's bullshit.
[728] I mean, when, like, comics or like, well, I don't want to get better because what if I'm not funny.
[729] Oh, but I'm not a good example of that because I'm not as funny as I used to be.
[730] I'm really not.
[731] You've been a little too happy.
[732] I think maybe.
[733] Yeah.
[734] I'm going to go outside and smash your car with a baseball bat.
[735] No, I'd be fine with it because it's just stuff.
[736] But exactly.
[737] Yeah, I don't know.
[738] But I do think that.
[739] And also, it is funny because I remember saying to my therapist once I was single and I go, I mean, like, how am I going to find someone that's done this level of work on themselves?
[740] And he just, like, sat politely.
[741] And then I went, oh, most people don't need this level of work on themselves.
[742] And he was like, yeah.
[743] You know.
[744] Have you been seen the same person for a long time?
[745] This guy I've seen for a while, but I've seen different people.
[746] Like, I remember, remember, do you remember?
[747] When I was your therapist?
[748] No, but we have mutual friends that also went to the same therapist because I'd see them in the waiting room.
[749] But Pamela Connelly, who was on Saturday Night Live one year.
[750] I didn't even realize it when I was seeing her.
[751] She's married to Billy Connolly.
[752] She was that British woman.
[753] She was a shrink.
[754] Billy Connolly, the great Scottish comedian.
[755] Yeah.
[756] Yeah.
[757] Then she was like, I wrote a book about Billy.
[758] I want you to read it.
[759] And I was like...
[760] This is in your therapy session?
[761] Yeah, I was like, I don't want to read a book.
[762] I don't know.
[763] To be fair, you hadn't ever read a book before.
[764] She just wanted you to read one.
[765] Yeah, but it wasn't like about my...
[766] It wasn't like what I pay.
[767] It wasn't like a book, like a Pema Chodron book.
[768] It was like she wrote a book about her celebrity husband.
[769] Like, why do I need to read that?
[770] Well, here's the thing.
[771] I think it's...
[772] Some people say when you're in therapy, and some therapists believe you're not supposed to know anything about the therapist and their life.
[773] So the person I talk to, I really know nothing about her life.
[774] I know nothing about it.
[775] And I just, because she has not revealed anything, I never say anything like, well, so I won't have a good holiday and I hope you have a good time with your family, question mark.
[776] They were killed in a fire.
[777] Yeah.
[778] How does that make you feel?
[779] To know that about me and what you just brought up.
[780] But in the course of my years of trying different people and different methods, I thought other people that tell me everything.
[781] And that's kind of weird, you know?
[782] I think there's a happy medium.
[783] But that is true.
[784] Like when I was seeing this Pamela, I remember I loved her.
[785] And I remember saying to friends like, I mean, she's like my best friend.
[786] I mean, I feel like she's like my best friend.
[787] And then, like, one session later, I asked her, do you have any kids?
[788] And she's like, I have five.
[789] And I was like, oh, I don't know her.
[790] I pay her and she's not my friend.
[791] I'm a fucking ass.
[792] If she is, I'm an asshole.
[793] Right.
[794] I still think you can pay people and then they're still your friend.
[795] Like, Sona, I've paid you to be my friend.
[796] That's true.
[797] That's true.
[798] I mean, that's why this whole podcast exists.
[799] So you could have friends that you don't pay.
[800] Okay.
[801] You just said this whole podcast is a trick for me to finally get some friends that aren't in my employ.
[802] Right.
[803] There have been times in the past where I've had, I mean, especially back in the late night days when I would have parties and look around and I employed everybody.
[804] Yeah.
[805] And I was having a really good time and then I realized, oh, maybe they think they have to be here.
[806] No, I don't think.
[807] No, no. Just to say something nice.
[808] But yeah.
[809] But yeah.
[810] I mean, you know, I think you get close to the people you work with.
[811] Some people don't.
[812] Like some people just work with people and go home and then that's it.
[813] But you actually, because I think that you genuinely like the people you work with, right?
[814] No. I tried to say something sincere and it backfired horribly.
[815] You're so funny, I wanted to talk about this because people have all these preconceived notions about like New Hampshire, growing up in New Hampshire.
[816] Well, I just, hold on.
[817] Can we just go back to Sona for one second?
[818] Oh, sure.
[819] Okay.
[820] When she said that you have to pay people to be your friends, and that's what this podcast was, it got real silent.
[821] It did.
[822] And I was going to fill that space.
[823] And I decided not to.
[824] Let's see where this goes.
[825] And now I can feel like her heart is beating faster because she has like a guilt pain.
[826] I'm sweating so much.
[827] Yeah.
[828] I am.
[829] I'm sweating.
[830] It's crazy.
[831] She's wearing this light purple sweater, and I can see it just vibrating with a heartbeat.
[832] Yeah.
[833] It makes me, it made me uncomfortable when I'm.
[834] said that thinking it was kind of a joke but then no one laughed so i'm like is that is that real no it was uncomfortable i wouldn't she's sweating and it's she's shaking like amy klobuchar's bangs during the presidential well no it's okay i mean i welcome i welcome truth here on on on the podcast and maybe you she thought we're all going to laugh i mean i just thought that that was like the whole concede of this podcast.
[835] You said it.
[836] You said it.
[837] You said it.
[838] You said it.
[839] You said it.
[840] I'm sure.
[841] I mean, but just no. I mean, you're batting like 600.
[842] That's really high.
[843] You know?
[844] That's pretty good.
[845] Yeah.
[846] I thought that that was what this whole podcast was about, but that's okay.
[847] Well, it sort of was kind of a jokey title, but then it became real in that I do like what is absolutely true is you're an exception, but there's a bunch of people because we've hung out and had real conversations.
[848] There are a bunch of people I really admire and have loved for years.
[849] And I had quick connections with them on a late night show in front of an audience with a band and I never really got to talk to them and this has been fantastic because I get to do that.
[850] But you and I over the years have hung out.
[851] I mean, I think it was the last time you did the podcast.
[852] Yeah, that was our like awesome bonding day.
[853] It was a really nice happening, which is we were in New York and I was taping at Earwolf Studios and you came over to do the podcast and then afterwards we're done and it was just one of those things where I think it was wintertime.
[854] I want to say it was winter and it's kind of dark and you said, yeah, okay, well, and then I said, so what do you do now?
[855] And you said, well, I got to go, were you doing the comedy seller?
[856] No, it was like Gotham, and we were right near Gotham.
[857] And so I go, I have to be basically here in three hours, so I'm just going to, like, walk around.
[858] You're like, you don't get something to eat?
[859] Yeah.
[860] And then you're never supposed to reveal that you have nothing on your schedule.
[861] Why?
[862] That's like world number one of being powerful.
[863] Oh, is that true?
[864] No. I'm kind of kidding, but I basically said, I've got nothing to do.
[865] Let's hang out together.
[866] And I said it just in that tone of words.
[867] That's weird.
[868] Yeah, and then, but we ended up walking around.
[869] We went to some...
[870] Grey dog.
[871] Yeah, what was that?
[872] There's like three of them, so...
[873] Yeah, it's like a chain...
[874] And it was very informal, like order at the counter, sit down.
[875] And then we were walking around, and it was funny because people were acting like we were doing some kind of bit.
[876] We'd get stopped occasionally, but people saying, Sarah, Conan, what's going on?
[877] Like, what are you shooting?
[878] No, we're just walking around.
[879] Right, like, because they don't see the cameras when they're watching a bit.
[880] on TV.
[881] So they're probably like, oh, you're shooting a bit.
[882] Like, no, we're just walking down the street.
[883] There'd be, you'd see like others around.
[884] We're digesting hot dogs right now, walking around.
[885] But it was really fun.
[886] It was really nice.
[887] And between the podcast and then walking around afterwards, I thought, that's not a job, you know, in a nice way.
[888] It's not, this is not a task I need to perform.
[889] This is just absolute fun.
[890] Was that the first time you two hung out, just the two of you, as pals?
[891] I don't, I think.
[892] One on one.
[893] Yeah, probably one on one, yeah.
[894] Yeah, there was always some other around.
[895] Somebody.
[896] Harshing or a mellow.
[897] That's kind of cool.
[898] It was nice.
[899] We were able to, like, complain to each other and stuff.
[900] Yes.
[901] You know.
[902] I mean that.
[903] I should have been wearing a wire because then we could have released that as Conan walks with the podcast guest after the podcast, secretly records it and we release that.
[904] That's more content.
[905] Secretly.
[906] That's kind of a dick move.
[907] Yeah, total dick move.
[908] Did you go to the comedy club?
[909] It would be called Dick Move with Conan O 'Brien.
[910] Oh my gosh, that's so good.
[911] That is good.
[912] All right, that's it for Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[913] Coming up, Dick move.
[914] I convince Sarah Silverman that I just want to go to Abon Pan and get a double -shot almond milk latte.
[915] But really, I badmouth people in the business and get her to confess that she hates them too.
[916] That's good.
[917] mom, like we lived in New Hampshire, you know, like my mother would, we would go to Dunkin' Donuts and she'd be like, I'd like a croissant.
[918] And the girl would be like, what?
[919] You're humiliating me. But she'd also say, Abupon.
[920] A bonpon.
[921] So where did that come from?
[922] Where did that come from with her?
[923] She wanted to show that she was kind of fancy and erudite.
[924] What was it?
[925] Yeah.
[926] I mean, she knew she spoke French.
[927] she went to, you know, she went to a high school like St. Margaret's.
[928] You know, she went to like a Catholic school or something or some sort of Christian school learned French.
[929] But she also, I remember when I was with Jimmy Kimmel.
[930] She was, he would have.
[931] You have to be specific because there's so many late night hosts named Jimmy.
[932] I know.
[933] That time I was with Jimmy.
[934] Wait, which one?
[935] No, it was Kimmel.
[936] But he, my mom had come to visit and he was, he was having a, you know, he would have like the Christmas Eve Seven Fishes thing.
[937] Yeah.
[938] And then we're hanging out and they're singing, everyone's singing Christmas carols and they're singing jingle bells.
[939] And my mom, you know, she's passed away.
[940] So now, of course, like, I love every piece of her, but she drove me totally insane.
[941] And she just was driving me crazy and I like whispered to him and I go, she's such a fucking know it all.
[942] And just as I said that the song ended and she goes, I can sing it in French.
[943] It's like the most incredible timing.
[944] You called it.
[945] She didn't disappoint.
[946] That's like a sitcom where they say, well, as long as no idiotic blowhard gets involved, we should be fine.
[947] Bang, Ted Knight comes through the door of Miracle Moore.
[948] Hello, yes, hello.
[949] But that's a perfect, that was perfect.
[950] Oh, my God.
[951] I do know there are people who I know who are always insisting that the real pronunciation is something that it possibly couldn't be.
[952] I mean, it just couldn't be.
[953] So you'll say, like, let's go get a gelato and they'll be like, well, you know, it's galato.
[954] I'd be like, what, no, it's gelato.
[955] Actually, you know, this is the kind of thing Jordan Shlansky would do who works for us.
[956] He'd say, and actually it's I'm sorry, it comes from the German derivation of the Italian, so it's gelato.
[957] You're like, no, it's not.
[958] At a certain point, we all agree that it's not.
[959] Well, that's the thing is, like a certain point, like it's just made more popular the wrong way and that makes it the right way.
[960] Like, my mom insisted that to say something is your forte, it's fort.
[961] And I believe her, but no one in the world says it that way.
[962] So if you say, well, that's my fort, they'll go, what is, you mean you built a fort?
[963] No, it's the correct way of saying what all you know as forte.
[964] My wife says tomato.
[965] and it in it in it's big her family they this is they just all say tomato and I know that that's an old of course you say tomato I say tomato but it's not tomato it's just not it's not anymore I met a woman who said tomato and I was just like oh who said who said a woman that I know who yeah who worked with me for a short time it sounds negative I hired her for a she was a decorator It was a short -term contract.
[966] It's not like you let her go because she was saying tomato.
[967] But it was funny because she said, no, no. She said tomato and it proved, in my mind, my point, which is that all interior designers come from money.
[968] Because who's a struggling interior?
[969] Nobody works their way up.
[970] You know, like there is no coming from nothing interior designers.
[971] You could put that crate over by that barrel and it might create a flow and then lay that pipe over there and then you're right they don't start out in an alley just arranging trash cans I think these people are from old money that become this and then she goes I like the tomato color and I go I look over at Rory what did I tell you but it could also be that is a Boston like my nana said like you know had a Boston accent but she said like she had a weird I don't know why I say but hollabred she'd say like holly You know Yeah Like she had that kind of like scrappy Boston accent But then she said boss But it wasn't like a rich person way It was like a Boston Both Like instead of bath Yeah I'm gonna take a boss Yeah I didn't know if you thought I was saying Like she had a lisp and she was saying boss or something No no but she It's like mid -Atlantic.
[972] My mother, I swear to God, the only reason I'm in comedy is my mother always reminded me and I love my mom and she's the best, but she always reminded me of Margaret Dumont from the Marks Brothers movies.
[973] Oh.
[974] The lady who's like, oh, well I, please, Groucho.
[975] And it was, she always had a little bit of that, now let's just all settle down here.
[976] Now I'd like to think we're the kind of family that knows how to respect itself and use the correct language and of course that made me want to go and then behaved like a complete idiot and they took us once to a fancy restaurant and they put down the little bowls that you're supposed to wash your hands in.
[977] We never went to fancy restaurants but there was some occasion might have been my parents' anniversary and they took us someplace downtown Boston that was kind of old -fashioned and they gave us a little bit and we all knew it was to dip your hands in to clean them.
[978] I'll never forget.
[979] I took my napkin.
[980] I'm like 12 and I tuck it like right into my shirt and I take my spoon and I go, eh, soup's on.
[981] And I start slurping it.
[982] And my mother was like, would you please?
[983] That's for washing your hands.
[984] And I'm like, eh, you know, why?
[985] But if she had been not doing that, she was such a good straight person that I had to do it.
[986] I had to.
[987] I always say babies.
[988] I'm sorry.
[989] there was more to that.
[990] Oh, no, I don't think there was.
[991] You just said so hoping that more words would come to your...
[992] Sometimes I'd do that.
[993] It was me throwing it to you in a professional way, yeah.
[994] That was like a behind the back pass by, you know, Magic Johnson, you know?
[995] That was just like a really cool thing I just did.
[996] I just went so, and I looked at you and you're supposed to like grab it and like...
[997] Oh, take it.
[998] Yeah, take the rock to the hole and just, you know, whang!
[999] Oh, wow, you really know basketball terms.
[1000] Pretty good sportster over here.
[1001] Sportsster.
[1002] I was going to say something, but now I want to say this, that my dream has always been, and now I think they don't play the, what's the big American basketball team?
[1003] They play the Washington Generals.
[1004] Oh, the Harlem Globetrotters.
[1005] Yeah, so I love the Harlem Globetrotters.
[1006] But then as an adult, I thought, wouldn't it be great?
[1007] If I went to Harlem Globetrotters games in like head -to -toe Washington Generals fan gear, and like the foil for the kids in the crowd.
[1008] crowd, you know, like, this is their year, you know, like really crazy.
[1009] That's funny.
[1010] But I looked into it and they don't, they like downsized.
[1011] So they don't play the Washington Generals anymore.
[1012] They just play like whatever local or something.
[1013] It was the Washington General's job to lose.
[1014] They were employed to lose every game.
[1015] And there must have been a time when they were just like, I know this is going to, we're going to get in big trouble, but let's beat the Harlem Globe trial.
[1016] That'd be amazing.
[1017] Yeah, because there are moments where I'm sure the Harlem Globetrotters are very good, but there are moments where they're busy filling a bucket with confetti or stealing the ref's whistle when you can, you know, pull off some major plays and get ahead, build a good, comfortable lead.
[1018] But that's not the point.
[1019] Well, it should be the point.
[1020] No, it's okay.
[1021] Kids need to learn that anyone can lose if they're busy stuffing a pail with confetti.
[1022] Yeah, or like throwing a fake basketball that comes back on a strength.
[1023] Yeah, because it has a rubber band on it.
[1024] Kids need to know that those kind of shenanigans can lead to trouble.
[1025] I don't know.
[1026] It's like wrestling, right?
[1027] You always have to choose someone who loses in wrestling.
[1028] Otherwise, what's the, I don't know.
[1029] Yeah, what are they called?
[1030] Not the foil, but the loser.
[1031] The heel.
[1032] The heel, the heel, the heel.
[1033] Yeah, the heel.
[1034] Or so in his term works also, the loser.
[1035] You know what?
[1036] You should, when you run out of comics to do this show, you never will.
[1037] Never.
[1038] There's too many.
[1039] But there are some really interesting professional wrestling.
[1040] you know like from that world and it's it's kind of adjacent like but also we don't just talk to comedians um we we talk to i think primarily comedians kings and queens and comedians and queens and down on their down on their luck royalty like really royalty from very small countries like you got harry and megan oh no oh god no no no this is from the duchy of lithe banya Can we get wrestlers on?
[1041] I think we should.
[1042] Of course we could.
[1043] Can we get a wrestler?
[1044] We can have anybody we want on.
[1045] Adam, can we have, we can have anyone we want on, as long as there an interesting interview.
[1046] Adam told me I'm probably going to have Alzheimer's.
[1047] Oh, man. No, did you say that, Adam?
[1048] Yep.
[1049] Adam, get over here.
[1050] Get on the mic.
[1051] Why?
[1052] Adam Sacks, the genius, the boy genius behind all of this.
[1053] That's a good podcast.
[1054] Great Sacks.
[1055] Great Sacks.
[1056] Sacks.
[1057] Oh, Sacks.
[1058] That could be his podcast thing.
[1059] Oh, that's my name.
[1060] I thought you said great sex.
[1061] That's the wacky thing about the name.
[1062] Okay, go ahead.
[1063] So we were having a little food before you got here.
[1064] We were a little late.
[1065] And I was not.
[1066] A little jab there.
[1067] I'm sorry, I got here.
[1068] I know.
[1069] Well, here's what happened today.
[1070] I was supposed to be here at one.
[1071] We were all supposed to be here at one.
[1072] You showed up at 1230.
[1073] This is what you're told because I was going to.
[1074] And then I realized it was going to be really early.
[1075] so I did an errand.
[1076] But I came around 1241.
[1077] Because I believe if you aren't early, if you're not 15 minutes early, you're 15 minutes late.
[1078] Yeah.
[1079] In the theater, that's what you, anyway, go on.
[1080] I got here at 104.
[1081] Now, that's still pretty good.
[1082] I think for L .A. standards, four minutes late isn't really late.
[1083] It's late.
[1084] It is.
[1085] It's past the time.
[1086] No, I don't think that's.
[1087] It's past the time you're supposed to be here.
[1088] You left the guest waiting.
[1089] It was always uncharacteristic.
[1090] I was having a good time.
[1091] Yeah.
[1092] I was always punctual.
[1093] But then I come up.
[1094] upstairs and you're having a feast on all this free food and then I and then we proceed to goof around and eat food for half an hour.
[1095] What if she was, you know, King Charles and then, you know, he's just sitting up here with us and I don't have to worry about that.
[1096] Anyway, back to what you were saying because that's the crux.
[1097] You've established that I was a little bit late and for that I apologize.
[1098] Oh, no. I really enjoyed myself.
[1099] I had a great time.
[1100] So Sarah mentioned that she was having trouble hearing.
[1101] I have recently.
[1102] I need hearing aids.
[1103] How do you know, wait, have you had a professional tell you need?
[1104] Actually, I was talking to someone at your party and we had both just come from an audiologist like not long ago, although he had just and I probably did about five months ago.
[1105] Okay, so I have a couple of questions.
[1106] You were told that you, well, you finished this.
[1107] She said you would benefit from hearing aids, but let's wait a year, you know.
[1108] So coincidentally, my mom texted me last night that she was at an E &T because she's had some kind of cold that's lasting forever.
[1109] And the E &T said that her hearing has decreased over time and that a leading cause for Alzheimer's is hearing loss that's not addressed.
[1110] Like if you don't get hearing aids when you need them, your brain starts to lose the signals.
[1111] I don't know the science.
[1112] Your brain starts to lose the signals that it's used to getting.
[1113] And that leads to dementia.
[1114] And so my mom had literally just last.
[1115] night texted me this article, which I showed to Sarah, which she pointed out was probably paid by the hearing aid body.
[1116] I said, okay, I looked at the headline in the article, and then I looked to see, is this the Washington Post?
[1117] Maybe it's the Wall Street Journal.
[1118] And what was it?
[1119] What was the article from?
[1120] I remember that the headline had a question mark at the end of it.
[1121] It was like, ad .net, you know?
[1122] It was like hearing loss, hearing aids company article.
[1123] Can I ask you a question.
[1124] Did the audiologist, does the audiologist, is the audiologist profit from selling you, you know, a hearing aid.
[1125] So what I'm saying is if you said, okay, thanks Dr. Ralph for this advice.
[1126] Do you have a good hearing aid for me?
[1127] I sure do.
[1128] Ralphies hearing aids.
[1129] And then you suddenly realize that they're just trying to upsell you a hearing aid.
[1130] I have a hard time believing you need a hearing aid.
[1131] I know.
[1132] I mean, I'm not the usual age of like needing a hearing.
[1133] I've always had, I have like a combination of super hearing.
[1134] and I can't hear it all, like whole chunks of things.
[1135] So, like, a lot I can't hear, but if someone's, like, eating an apple a mile away or, like, trying to open something with a crinkly, someone's doing like this, I can hear it, and it makes me insane.
[1136] I was getting very frustrated lately because when I watch TV with my kids and my wife, I'm always saying, what do you say?
[1137] I have subtitles.
[1138] What are you saying?
[1139] Why are you angry?
[1140] I don't know.
[1141] And I'm telling you, that's, it starts out, it started out a couple of years ago and I'd be like, I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
[1142] And then it just really does turn into, what was that?
[1143] What is he?
[1144] And then I read an article that they now mix, you know, all these shows are mixed with such fancy equipment and they're adding such a tapestry of sounds that it is hard objectively for anybody to hear dialogue.
[1145] I mean, you're times where you're watching movies and just and and it's very hard to tell what people are saying because there's so much happening on an audio, you know, in the audio environment.
[1146] That makes sense because it's also like conflicting sounds just like get everything gets lost.
[1147] So I think you don't need hearing aids.
[1148] I'm just saying that.
[1149] I don't like can you hear?
[1150] Listen, I don't want any kind of aids but oh this is here.
[1151] Maybe it'll benefit her.
[1152] I don't No?
[1153] No, I don't want to get a healthyhearing .com.
[1154] Healthyhearing .com.
[1155] Hey, wait a minute.
[1156] When we were doing the live podcast at the Beacon, one of the guys, we take questions from the audience at the end.
[1157] That's right.
[1158] And someone stood up and said that he's an audiologist, and he's in Brooklyn.
[1159] Is that correct?
[1160] That's right.
[1161] And see, my memory is holding together.
[1162] And he said he would give me a free audio exam.
[1163] And I said, I'll do it.
[1164] I think Sarah should come with me next time I'm in New York and we should both go there and see this guy and find out what our hearing is that situation is.
[1165] I'm going to be in New York a lot too.
[1166] Let's do it.
[1167] Because these audiologists, the E &T was a woman, this woman doctor, this doctor.
[1168] There is such thing.
[1169] Also known as a doctor.
[1170] That was funny.
[1171] You're funniest joke he had a woman doctor.
[1172] But the audiologist were these like two elderly men who were just like so excited because they recognized me and just constantly like, you could do this and you're comedy.
[1173] And I'm like, can you focus on like if I'm raising my hand or not and hearing the tone?
[1174] Don't you love it when people say, now this is going to be a comedy sketch?
[1175] What, me losing my hearing?
[1176] Oh, maybe it is.
[1177] I'm killing with it.
[1178] Mr. O 'Brien, this tumor is inoperable.
[1179] Hey, this could be a comedy sketch.
[1180] Thanks, doctor.
[1181] That got too dark.
[1182] Yeah, that was a whole dark.
[1183] Well, that's like the Al Franken.
[1184] That's my oncologist.
[1185] Whenever I bring it up, he sings the whole song.
[1186] Like, he remembers the whole song.
[1187] I don't know if it even got on the air.
[1188] I always love finding out from people.
[1189] I'm more interested in what didn't get on the air than what got on the air most of the time.
[1190] And I saw one, and it was Bill Hader's, like a country music, star he's got his band and uh at one point bill looks over and he's looks at fred armison and fred armison's wearing this big wig and outfit and he's the drummer and he goes and and and he's kind of smiling and hater goes i asked later on i asked uh fred why he was smiling at this moment and fred said because i knew i didn't have to put this makeup on again because it's dress rehearsal like i know i don't have to put this wig on again do they ever just stop, and they're like, what's the point?
[1191] They should.
[1192] They should.
[1193] I mean, why do you keep going?
[1194] I don't know.
[1195] They should do that on the live show.
[1196] Oh, no. Lauren should just dress as a referee and go like, that's it.
[1197] Fly that snow.
[1198] Someone plays song music and we'll fuck it.
[1199] We thought cats with encephalitis family was funny.
[1200] It's not.
[1201] So fuck it.
[1202] Like, fuck it.
[1203] Fuck it.
[1204] Just fuck it.
[1205] I don't know.
[1206] What are we going to do?
[1207] Are we going to walk around today for several hours before you play at a country music festival?
[1208] That'd be so great, but I've got to get my shit together to go on.
[1209] Yeah, what are you doing now?
[1210] Tell me. Going on a vacation.
[1211] I haven't gone on a vacation in like 14 years.
[1212] Where are you going?
[1213] We're just driving to Big Bear with their dogs.
[1214] We got like a house on Airbnb or whatever, what have you.
[1215] I've never been there.
[1216] You and your fellow?
[1217] I like your fellow, by the way.
[1218] He's great.
[1219] He's very funny, too.
[1220] He is.
[1221] He's very funny.
[1222] A little too funny.
[1223] He asked me. It's been uncomfortable.
[1224] That's nice.
[1225] Yeah.
[1226] You're going to have a good trip.
[1227] We're going to bring our dogs.
[1228] What if I came with you guys and we just, I recorded it all?
[1229] Absolutely, of course.
[1230] Dick move.
[1231] But we've Conroe, we've Conno, O 'Brien.
[1232] Very special installment of Dick Moved.
[1233] Sir Silerman hasn't had a real vacation for 14 years.
[1234] I've insinuated myself.
[1235] I'm here with President Obama.
[1236] It's also going to be pitching ideas.
[1237] This has been really fun.
[1238] I love talking to you.
[1239] You know that.
[1240] Yeah, and I, you.
[1241] And I don't even know that I can't even tell you what we talked about, but it's just effortless with you.
[1242] Until like the past minute or so, I just feel like, I don't know, I've got nothing.
[1243] Well, that's terrible.
[1244] You're never supposed to.
[1245] Oh, right.
[1246] You just telegraph that to the audience.
[1247] Yeah.
[1248] Never do that.
[1249] Never let the audience think they're getting anything less than a spectacular show.
[1250] It's been amazing, Conan.
[1251] I think the last minute's been the best part.
[1252] Probably, yeah.
[1253] Just laughs.
[1254] Well, we can add those later.
[1255] Is this for later?
[1256] Wait, that's more evil than anything else.
[1257] Well, listen, I do consider you a good friend and I...
[1258] Why aren't you looking at me in the eye when you say that?
[1259] Because I don't really because I do consider you.
[1260] Look at this.
[1261] I'm looking right in the area.
[1262] And you know what?
[1263] Who else I have this problem with?
[1264] Kevin Neal and we don't look each other in the eye.
[1265] Aw.
[1266] But you're at the same height and everything.
[1267] I know.
[1268] That's the tragedy of it all.
[1269] Our eyeballs are at the exact same height.
[1270] God, he's my favorite.
[1271] Okay, that hurt.
[1272] Oh, second favorite.
[1273] Tide.
[1274] Well, you're not really a stand.
[1275] Oh, I guess, no. Oh, my God.
[1276] It's just, no, I mean.
[1277] I don't know what I am.
[1278] I guess.
[1279] Oh, God.
[1280] Hey, I helped you before.
[1281] I know.
[1282] I know, but this is fun.
[1283] You do do stand -over.
[1284] You have done.
[1285] You have a old stand -up tour, of course.
[1286] Please, please.
[1287] No, no, I am not a true stand -up.
[1288] I know that.
[1289] I don't, I think I'm...
[1290] You're more.
[1291] You know what I am?
[1292] I'm a man that just lives by his wits.
[1293] Yeah.
[1294] Whatever you project onto me, I become that.
[1295] That would be a good, like, not naked and afraid, but, like, just drop Conan somewhere, and he has to just find his way.
[1296] Yeah.
[1297] That was called the 60s, 70s, and 80s.
[1298] Oh.
[1299] Yeah, it didn't go too well.
[1300] But that's not the point.
[1301] The point is that we are good friends, and I'm looking you right in the eye.
[1302] Yeah, we're definitely friends.
[1303] And your eyes look fantastic.
[1304] I see no sign of glaucoma.
[1305] Oh, really?
[1306] Yeah, I think your cones and rods are looking spectacular.
[1307] Ooh.
[1308] And I think your hearing's fine.
[1309] Oh, can I ask you a question about sight?
[1310] Sure.
[1311] I'm the guy to ask.
[1312] This is what I do.
[1313] Like, I've just been going when I get an email from the eye glass.
[1314] store that I get my glasses from and then there's a doctor there and they're like time to get a checkup like I don't go to a I don't know if he's an optometrist he like has a glasses store well does he make you look through a device yes and uh does he compare which E is sharper which A is sharper better better worse worse better worse then he's fitting you for he's giving you a prescription okay no he doing all of it is he checking your peripheral vision is he you know dilating your pupils.
[1315] I think so.
[1316] Okay.
[1317] I check Sona's peripheral vision every day by trying to attack her.
[1318] That's not.
[1319] And you know what?
[1320] You're still really good.
[1321] I am.
[1322] That's because I get my peripheral vision checked by an actual optometrist.
[1323] I used to go on the road with my friend Mark Cohen, the other Coco.
[1324] And he would drive and I would sit there and I would fall asleep.
[1325] And then when I'd wake up, he would notice that I was waking up.
[1326] I don't know if you say this on the, how to say this, but he would close his, like, right eye and act like he was sleeping, you know?
[1327] Oh, that's great.
[1328] And I'd wake up and I'd be like, Mark!
[1329] You had a lot of good ones.
[1330] And then he had a good one, like, if you have a cold, like, go, like, sniff.
[1331] This is visual, sorry.
[1332] But, like, sniffle like you have a cold.
[1333] Act like it pulled him towards you.
[1334] It's just so quick.
[1335] Like, how do you do that that fast?
[1336] That's like TIG when if you go to give her a high five, which for some reason I do fairly regularly.
[1337] She goes like, go to give me a high five.
[1338] Question?
[1339] I would never try to give TIG a high five.
[1340] I know.
[1341] I go, why does this happen so much that I try to give her a high five?
[1342] I don't know.
[1343] No one gives off, don't give me a high five energy.
[1344] Like Tick Natarro, you know?
[1345] That's true.
[1346] Just, I mean, the best, but she's just, yeah, don't even try it.
[1347] But don't you want to now knowing what she'll probably say?
[1348] Their kids, their twins are obsessed with Rory, which makes me so happy, like, we'll get text from them saying, like, one of the kids was like, oh, this is Rory's favorite team.
[1349] You know, like, they love it so much.
[1350] But Rory is so good with them.
[1351] Like, they came over one day, and he just, like, he just knew what they want.
[1352] They're, like, six -year -old twin boys, and they're so cool, and there's just good kids.
[1353] But, like, you know, they're bouncing around, and Rory walks in, hey, you guys want to drill holes in some wood?
[1354] Yes.
[1355] I would be in for that, too.
[1356] That just sounds fun.
[1357] That just sounds cool.
[1358] We were wrapping it up.
[1359] I'm sorry.
[1360] Sarah Silverman, God bless you.
[1361] And thank you so much for being here.
[1362] Always a joy.
[1363] I love you.
[1364] I love you.
[1365] And look, I'm looking at you.
[1366] Oh, my God.
[1367] I was kidding.
[1368] No, I do love you.
[1369] I'm kidding.
[1370] I really do love you.
[1371] Oh, I'm out.
[1372] You need a fool out.
[1373] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[1374] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.
[1375] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.
[1376] Executive produced by Adam Sack.
[1377] Joanna Solitaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1378] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1379] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1380] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1381] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1382] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
[1383] Additional production support by Mars Melnik.
[1384] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
[1385] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1386] Got a question for Conan?
[1387] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
[1388] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1389] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[1390] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.