MFM Minisode 222

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Welcome to my favorite murder.

[2] The minisode.

[3] My hair is standing up straight.

[4] I mean, it's core hair for sure.

[5] And that is.

[6] I say that as someone with wet 70s guy hair right now.

[7] I always take a shower just perfectly not in enough time to blow dry my hair when we get on Zoom.

[8] So that's my favorite thing to do.

[9] Dries terribly.

[10] Yeah.

[11] Nice and frizzy on the bottom, kind of a triangle.

[12] I need a haircut so bad Oh, you too We've reached you your emails here and your stories And they're about pretty much anything at this point Biting Biden Ballpits Celebrity sightings The dumps The haunted houses Things and walls Right murders We got it all Do you want to go first to speak?

[13] Sure Okay Speaking of biting I'm not going to reach you a little white subject hi Karen and Georgia long time fan here a while back you asked for biting stories and that's B -I -T -I -N -G like bite well not Joe Biden not Joe Biden well gee do I have one for you during my freshman year of high school my church youth group would play games of tag at night in the completely dark and creepy church building sexy if this sounds like a bad idea it most definitely was one of these nights I volunteered to be it completely out of character for me the girl who would feign injuries to get out of playing kickball do you know that I once went to like the high school for like a semester of for bad kids and PE was literally ping pong what which is why I am kind of good at ping pong is because I was juvenile delinquent hell yes and they finally pick something kids want to actually spend their time doing and getting good at They had that in the smoking section in the 90s, which you didn't have anymore.

[14] It was pretty...

[15] You're just like, what, that's the life?

[16] I'll do medial math.

[17] What's it called?

[18] Okay.

[19] Completely out of character.

[20] But, you know, I was feeling adventurous, aka I wanted to impress my church crush.

[21] And nothing says hot single and ready to mingle like what happens next.

[22] Oh.

[23] Anyways, the game has started.

[24] I'm doing okay.

[25] I've tagged a few people.

[26] I'm feeling good about myself when I see one of my friends running up the aisles of the church sanctuary and I've decided there next.

[27] They're pretty far ahead of me, but I'm running full speed and gaining ground when suddenly they come to a complete stop.

[28] It's too late for me though.

[29] I'm committed.

[30] I'm airborne.

[31] I'm crashing into him.

[32] My mouth collides with the back of his head.

[33] Suddenly I'm on the ground and something doesn't feel right.

[34] I think there's something floating in my mouth.

[35] Then it registers.

[36] It's my front tooth, root and all.

[37] I'm inconsolable as my best friend leads me to the bathroom to assess the damage, and the boy I crashed into follows apologizing profusely.

[38] I repeatedly tell him, probably not super coherently, considering my newly acquired Lisp.

[39] Let me try it.

[40] You knock my tooth out.

[41] You knock my tooth.

[42] My in shock self had no mercy.

[43] by this point someone had found my older brother who drives me to the emergency room where they spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to shove my tooth back in the socket which is about as fun as it sounds spoiler it doesn't work and I will eventually have to get fake teeth I'm sorry fake front teeth after I get home later that night with one last tooth than I started the evening with to my embarrassment and horror I find out through my completely full text inbox oh my God, am I popular now?

[44] That when I collided with this kid, I must have had my mouth open because he has a cut from my teeth on the back of his head and a concussion.

[45] But who really cares about them when you've essentially bit someone?

[46] Thankfully, he didn't care and even brought me flowers the next day to apologize to me. I didn't get him anything to apologize for my small foray into vampirism.

[47] But personally, I think my having to walk around missing a front tooth for a week at the already awkward age of 15 was probably apology enough.

[48] Anyway, that's my biting story.

[49] Thanks, ladies, for all you do.

[50] Your podcast brings some much needed levity to my days.

[51] I tend to listen while I'm at work and I'm sure some people are confused as to why I'm laughing to myself behind my mask.

[52] And remember, stay sexy and don't get murdered.

[53] And if you're ever playing tag, keep that mouth shut, Jamie.

[54] That's how hard Jamie was running up that aisle.

[55] dedicated but can I just ask and maybe I just miss this was it her crush she ended up biting or just a random guy like it but I think it was just a random guy and I'm sure either way but the crush was probably nearby probably stopped to gawk yeah losing a tooth is pretty intense an adult tooth shit yeah that was no like she wasn't in third grade no exactly hopefully the teeth that she fake teeth looked better than the original.

[56] Yeah.

[57] It's all you can help for.

[58] What did she just got her braces off?

[59] A week before.

[60] That's sad of a like teen movie or something.

[61] I told you about the time I was super drunk on tequila shots at the rap party for Shakespeare in the park, which the party was in the park.

[62] And my friends were like, come down here.

[63] And I started running between two sets of benches and were like basically built up all this steam between running and then ended up flipping over the bench.

[64] And when I sat up, I spit out like a perfect divot of grass that was like a retainer shape because when I fell my teeth went into the dirt.

[65] You're so lucky it wasn't like hard pavement.

[66] That was the last time I drank tequila and it was in 1991.

[67] That's the smartest thing you could have given up.

[68] It's the worst fucking...

[69] Truly.

[70] Don't fall for the tequila like promise.

[71] The tequila promise is you won't gain as much weight because there's not as much.

[72] There's some like saying about it's in like keto or like there's some diet that's like you can drink tequila right and then it's also like a cleaner whatever it's fucking it's it's still legitimately poison i disagree that it's clean i think it causes so many more problems than than fun yeah whether or not there's something it's like a psychedelic almost yeah where it's different than normal drunks it is it you go crazy stick with vodka everyone, if you're going to drink.

[73] Please.

[74] Not the bottom of the barrel vodka, too.

[75] Brought to you by Smyranoff.

[76] This is my dad's nightstocker story.

[77] Hello, MFFM fam.

[78] I finally have a story to submit to you.

[79] I was recently talking to my dad about the Netflix nightstocker series when he, which was amazing by the editorial opinions of us.

[80] When he casually slipped into the conversation, did I ever tell you about my night stalker story?

[81] What?

[82] So my parents met in Los Angeles and lived there around the time that the Night Stalker was active and terrorizing the city.

[83] In the midst of this, my folks decided to pick up and move to San Francisco and it just settled into their new home.

[84] When wouldn't you know it, suddenly it was reported that the Night Stalker was running around San Francisco instead of L .A. I'll never forget it.

[85] Never forget it.

[86] The Night Stalker migrated north.

[87] You guys must have been like everyone, he's coming.

[88] to our house.

[89] Every person.

[90] They were like, the rumor that first that I remember going around was he kills people in yellow houses.

[91] Then it was people in white houses.

[92] Then it was like you had to know certain people to know what the color of the house was.

[93] Because I think we've talked about this before, but we watched it happening in L .A. Very like, oh, that's horrible for them.

[94] And then it came fucking right into that.

[95] I mean, it's such, that story is unbelievable.

[96] I want to see everyone painting their house magenta.

[97] But everyone Everyone in Daily City was safe because that's the city that little boxes, the song, Little Boxes, the song, Little Boxes, Little Boxes, Okay, look that song up, it's amazing.

[98] There's a red one in the green.

[99] My dad synced that every time we're on that freeway.

[100] Oh, I love that.

[101] Okay.

[102] Where did we go?

[103] I don't know.

[104] My parents understood that the Nightstocker's M .O. meant anybody could be his next target.

[105] So my dad took up a new routine of casing the house every night before going.

[106] to bed to double and triple check that all the doors and windows were locked and that the house was secure.

[107] Fine.

[108] Work it out.

[109] At this time, my parents had a German short -haired pointer named Faust, who by all accounts, was just about the most perfect dog ever to exist.

[110] Stephen, will you pull up a picture of a German short -haired pointer so we can get a visual on this point?

[111] I have no idea what that is.

[112] German short -haired pointer Faust.

[113] Sounds perfect.

[114] But one night in the wee hours when everyone was fast to sleep, Faust started barking up a storm.

[115] My dad jumped out of bed, grabbed a baseball bat, and made his way downstairs to find Faust, growling by the front door with his hackles raised.

[116] With his adrenaline pumping, my dad started making his way throughout the house, throughout the house, looking for signs of a break -in.

[117] He found that all of the doors and windows were still locked and didn't seem to have been tampered with, so he opened the front door to take a look outside when he noticed something sitting on their doorstep.

[118] Hold on.

[119] Steven's got a picture.

[120] Bring it closer.

[121] Here we got.

[122] Right closer, closer.

[123] Oh, yeah, those guys.

[124] Gorgeous.

[125] It's basically, it's what you think of when you think of a duck hunting dog is a German short hair pointer.

[126] Right?

[127] It doesn't like a German shepherd at all.

[128] It's like a hound.

[129] It's definitely a hound.

[130] It's just a German version of a hound.

[131] Correct.

[132] It's got those pointing.

[133] I love those dogs.

[134] They're so cute.

[135] Those are dogs that like to have a job.

[136] Those are dogs that need to go do things for you.

[137] Oh, like go to office every day and just go.

[138] They want to earn a living to bring home the bacon for you.

[139] You got those Excel spreadsheets aren't going to spread themselves.

[140] The dog just deleting entire Excel spreadsheet with a paw.

[141] Okay.

[142] So I'll reread that part.

[143] So he opened the front door to take a look outside when he noticed something sitting on their doorstep.

[144] It was a newspaper.

[145] Since my parents had just moved to the area, they've signed up for a newspaper subscription.

[146] My dad had forgotten that their deliveries.

[147] would be that very morning.

[148] I thought it was like a calling card.

[149] I was like, a newspaper.

[150] Right.

[151] It's so sinister.

[152] The unexpected visitor that came by and freaked out the dog and my parents was none other than the paper delivery man. I'm always talking about true crime with my mom and my aunt, but I rarely have these kinds of conversations with my dad.

[153] He's the sort of person who prefers not to tell tragic and terrifying stories unless he can point out a silver lining or wrap you up in a hug afterwards.

[154] Oh.

[155] We get it, Dad.

[156] Thank you for continuing to feed my true crime addiction.

[157] and for providing a reason to laugh for so many throughout this hellscape that is COVID.

[158] MFM and the exactly right network is really getting me through it lately.

[159] Aw, my God.

[160] Stay sexy and just sign up for an online newspaper subscription instead.

[161] Ellen.

[162] I love that.

[163] And I love these stories of like people's kids finally asking them about their lives.

[164] Because you know we're all like so self -centered.

[165] And then suddenly like your parents have these stories, these untapped stories that no one's ever asked them about, I feel like that's a thing of our podcast that I really love.

[166] And I've, you know, it's with my dad, too.

[167] It's just like, it's really lovely.

[168] It's great.

[169] Yeah, especially dads who are like the, usually the strong silent, those of us who have the strong silent type dads.

[170] Yeah, the dads from the 60s can't come out and be like, honey, I was so scared and alone.

[171] Like, that's never going to happen.

[172] Yeah, you're not going to believe this.

[173] Totally.

[174] Okay.

[175] old school in car entertainment pays off to whom it may concern when i was a child i would get bored while riding in the car this was a quote few years ago so when we went places in a car our entertainment was mostly limited to looking out the window or fighting with my siblings amen what can i just say remember when they came about DVD players in the back of fucking headrests in the back I'm telling you what.

[176] Fuck you.

[177] You're so spoiled.

[178] You have no idea.

[179] My friend Lisa told me this when we were in high school, but she did it when she was a kid.

[180] And it made, for some reason, it stuck in my head.

[181] And it made me laugh so hard.

[182] Lisa Lanyon, SvH, class of eating.

[183] She said she used to stare out the window because she was, her older sister was a lot older than her.

[184] So she was kind of like an only child for a lot of her life.

[185] She would stare out the window and picture an invisible horse running along through.

[186] the fields as they drove by so the horse would she would make the horse like jump the fences and go through the trees and stuff like that and she pictured this like a wild horse running alongside the car what do now because that's such a great imagination she works with horses she always has she's like always she's an amazing artist and painter oh she does a lot of things but i believe the last time that i heard from her this was like a kind of a facebook old time facebook so it was a long time ago, but she was working with horses.

[187] That is beautiful.

[188] It's not the best, but it makes me laugh because it's such a specific, like, talk about having to get creative with your boredom.

[189] Truly.

[190] Like, we didn't, you guys don't even know.

[191] Okay.

[192] I never thought to learn about cars themselves, and I'm still horrible at recognizing make, model color, but numbers seem to stick in my head.

[193] So I started memorizing license plates.

[194] Every trip, I would memorize as many plates as I could.

[195] and I love seeing how the same cars would pass you and then show up next to you at a light only to pass you again.

[196] Don't speed, you guys.

[197] You're not going anywhere faster.

[198] Yeah, exactly.

[199] Just says the girl who's a fucking race car driver telling you.

[200] As I got older and learned to drive, I had to pay attention to the actual road, but I still habitually memorize the plates of anyone driving, quote, suspiciously.

[201] I believe this was fairly random teenager criteria consisting of driving too slow, stopping too long at lights and stop signs and driving a super nice car in my middle class neighborhood because those rich people surely must have been up to something eventually in college I started driving on the highway a lot and my criteria settled into people who cut in and out me and tailgators not not me which is when my weird habit finally paid off I was yeah I was visiting my parents this is the best line I've ever heard in the letter I was visiting my parents washer and dryer.

[202] Yes, searingly honest.

[203] Yes.

[204] One weekend and stopped at a gas station before I hit the road to head back to school.

[205] When I went to walk inside to pay, holy crap, the realization that this was before pay at the pump just made me feel so, so, so old.

[206] At any rate, when I went inside the store, there was a car sitting out front.

[207] A running car in front of a gas station really shouldn't seem that odd.

[208] and a gas station that is a block from the police station should be extra safe.

[209] You can literally see the police station from the parking lot of sheds in those sentences.

[210] A lot of sheds.

[211] You're setting yourself up for sadness.

[212] You could shud all over the place.

[213] You have shud all over this gas station.

[214] And it's not going to pay on.

[215] You should your pants.

[216] But something triggered my habit and without thinking, I memorized the plate number.

[217] Nice.

[218] Just as I walked in, I was bowled over by a man running out of the station and hopping in the passenger side as the car sped off.

[219] Someone had just robbed the gas station.

[220] Just after him, a teller ran out trying to get the car's information.

[221] I walked in, asked the other clerk if he wanted the plate number, rode it down, paid, walked out, and hit the road.

[222] Blew the smoke off both my guns, put them back into my holster, got into my truck.

[223] That's fucking right.

[224] Let a strike anywhere match on my belt buckle.

[225] I rolled a cigarette with one hand threw it up in the air caught it like Bugs Bunny oddly I have almost never remembered a license plate number since Oh that was the big It was like the rehearsal and the performance You showed it all over the place And then you did your duty And then boom My random habit found It's one useful instance And I moved on I guess And that's it There's no fucking I can't tell Emily or whoever, how great of a fucking nom -down that was.

[226] They just bailed right out of that letter with no, no wrap -it -up vibe.

[227] Because that's who they are.

[228] They left and they blew out their guns at the end of this letter.

[229] They Irish goodbyeed out an email.

[230] That's how cool that person is.

[231] Oh, my God.

[232] Thanks for even stopping by.

[233] Probably Emily.

[234] That was amazing.

[235] Probably Emily.

[236] Boquet.

[237] This one is a feel.

[238] sensitive to me. Okay.

[239] So what I'm going to do is it's, it's, it's, it's an email that's the based in earthquakes.

[240] So we're going to say that this took place in California and that's as specific as I'm going to be.

[241] Okay.

[242] So I'm going to say, I'm going to replace all the other city place names.

[243] With the phrase such and such.

[244] Okay.

[245] Hello, pets.

[246] And Karen, Georgia, an S man. That's the first.

[247] I love it.

[248] I'm sorry.

[249] The S man. S -Man is the new.

[250] S -Man.

[251] Oh, the S -Man.

[252] I just scared Mimi.

[253] Bye.

[254] Sorry.

[255] Karen, Georgia, and the S -man is our 70s sitcom.

[256] I'm currently writing from the car as I cross the such -and -such bridge with my family.

[257] Yay for family vacations.

[258] As we are bumping along and while I'm staring down at the water, imagining what it would feel like to jump off, parentheses, not suicidal, just curious.

[259] My mom casually brings up the time her family.

[260] thought her uncle such -and -such died in the such -and -such -freeway collapse during the 1989 this is complicated San Francisco Earthquoise oh I know all these details okay so sorry I can be as specific as San Francisco yeah because everyone knows the 1989 San Francisco of course for those who don't know and this is we're back in the email okay in 1989 earthquake here in the bay was a 6 .9 magnitude quake that rattled the area during the world series it killed roughly 60 to 70 people and had a massive financial impact on the Bay Area.

[261] Now, this is in quotes.

[262] Yes, we all thought uncle such and such died.

[263] He was a such and such on his way to work.

[264] And after the quake happened, no one was able to reach him.

[265] We basically planned out his funeral and had come to terms with his death, my mom says, which I thought wouldn't have been as interesting.

[266] But since we're coming home from a family reunion, where I, in all caps, literally just saw uncle such and such.

[267] I knew there was more to this story.

[268] Basically, my uncle isn't answering his cell phone because he snuck off to a different country with a new and secret girlfriend after his divorce.

[269] Damn.

[270] He was new to the cell phone scene and didn't have enough minutes on his phone for international calls.

[271] So he left the phone at home.

[272] Upon his return, he didn't have any missing messages or calls.

[273] Needless to say, my mom's family was shocked.

[274] when he showed up the following month for dinner with a new woman, completely unaware that they had a grave picked out for him.

[275] Oh, my God.

[276] Today, my uncle's is as carefree as ever.

[277] He still denies that it was a, quote, girlfriend.

[278] He took to a different country.

[279] As for my mom, I asked her what she did during the earthquake.

[280] And since her and my dad were living in the Bay Area during that time as newlyweds, my mom, the badass woman that she is, handed out shots of patron and vodka to her neighbors to, quote, calm their nerves.

[281] while the ground rumbled.

[282] Tatron.

[283] Oh.

[284] That's okay.

[285] Tequila's okay.

[286] That is a in an earthquake.

[287] When you're when the truly in San Francisco, the world has crumbled around you, she was doing God's work on the street that night.

[288] We were in Southern California and felt it mildly and then watched the new.

[289] I was in fifth grade.

[290] It was third grade.

[291] It was terrifying for you.

[292] Must have been that.

[293] I was in Sacramento.

[294] I was in Sacramento.

[295] Sacramento freshman in college.

[296] And we were on the second story of a building at SAC State.

[297] And it felt like some, it felt like God had picked up the floor and snapped it out like a sheet.

[298] The whole room rumbled like a big role.

[299] Yeah.

[300] It was one of the weirdest feelings I've ever felt.

[301] It was totally different.

[302] And it was completely an aftershock because Sacramento is two hours away from San Francisco.

[303] The crazy thing is I feel like nowadays all the earthquakes in California have been at night, which is almost like a blessing.

[304] Because during the day, when everyone's out and about, it's so much, there's so much more damage, it feels like.

[305] So much screaming ladies with babies.

[306] Help.

[307] I'm thinking of the movie Earthquake.

[308] Sorry.

[309] Stay sexy and always avoid earthquakes by going to Jamaica with your secret lover, Emma.

[310] Yeah.

[311] You know, whenever we travel for live shows, I'm like, okay, let the earthquake happen now that we're out of town.

[312] Nice.

[313] Is that terrible?

[314] Just throw it like, light the matter.

[315] and throw up behind you as you travel off.

[316] Okay.

[317] Oh my God.

[318] What if there's an earthquake tonight?

[319] There was one the other day.

[320] I know.

[321] There's been a swarm, as they call them.

[322] I slept through it.

[323] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[324] Absolutely.

[325] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[326] Exactly.

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[329] That's right.

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[339] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[340] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

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[342] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[343] Goodbye.

[344] Okay.

[345] Here is a retro meat cute.

[346] Salutation, MFMFM fam.

[347] You asked her meetcutes and my parents, Vaughn and Francis, have the best one.

[348] It's Colorado, 1973.

[349] And my grandma Betty, whose Glaswegian accent was so strong, by the way, my friends often thought she was speaking a different language.

[350] That's what it's like.

[351] Glasgow specifically, it is when it's like that that is an accent that is that you need to hear for a while.

[352] you need to be immersed in.

[353] I could just see you just furrowing your brow the entire time trying to catch a word.

[354] It was always a big fake smile going.

[355] What?

[356] One more time.

[357] I'm sorry.

[358] The local what?

[359] Okay.

[360] Was that her local watering hole?

[361] This is the grandma.

[362] She met a nice fella who she thought might make a good match for her daughter.

[363] Is it weird that my grandma was picking up men for her 17 year old daughter in a bar?

[364] It is.

[365] But, you know, the 70s.

[366] So she gives this man. who I think was inappropriately in his early 30s, my mother Francis's number, 17 -year -old's number.

[367] 17.

[368] Uh -huh.

[369] And he invites her to a party with him, mostly attended by his coworkers.

[370] While the party, which I'm sure was a great first date for my introverted mom, she notices a super handsome fella.

[371] In fact, all the girls were noticing this super handsome fella.

[372] Spoiler alert, it was my dad, who was a more age appropriate 21 years old.

[373] my mom saw this guy and knew knew he was meant for her so she inserted her super shy self into the gaggle of gals surrounding my dad and tried to make an impression but what about her date you ask well she knew she had to play it cool so she waited to make her move luckily my dad was leaving the party at the same time as them so sly like a fox my mom slipped her number into my dad's hand on the way to their car i've fucking done this before i did it less.

[374] I did it way more obviously.

[375] Just like put out my arm in the most dramatic gesture.

[376] Wow.

[377] And was the person like, did they call you?

[378] Oh yeah.

[379] I had met him before, but yeah, for sure.

[380] That's a cool move.

[381] That's a power move.

[382] Yeah.

[383] In front of a bunch of fucking people too.

[384] It was like, you're going to call me. What's up?

[385] First you look over your shoulder and you go, watch this shit.

[386] And then you hand it.

[387] Hey, check this out.

[388] And he'll date me. Everybody.

[389] Everybody look.

[390] Without her date being the wiser.

[391] She had never done anything like that before, but says she knew she couldn't let this man get away.

[392] She waited on pins and needles all night and barely slept, but she needn't have worried, as my dad called her first thing the next morning to ask her out.

[393] Oh.

[394] The real kicker?

[395] Her thing.

[396] I know.

[397] The real kicker?

[398] My mom's date was, you guessed it, my dad's boss.

[399] Because remember it was a work party?

[400] Yes.

[401] Oh, that's right.

[402] Oh, no. he won't come out and say he got fired over this but it wasn't long before he quote no longer worked there that's actionable these days anyways but it gets worse part of the reason my mom had no trouble getting my dad to call her was that he had seen her in a burger king two weeks earlier and noticed how smoking she was and then it says the most glorious long 70s hair and bell bottom clad legs up to her neck.

[403] That sounds real creepy.

[404] He recognized her at the party and was secretly thrilled when she slipped him her number.

[405] My parents have been happily married for 45 years on April 22nd, 2021, and they have been a truly inspirational role model of what a marriage can be.

[406] I can't wait until we are all vaccinated so I can visit them.

[407] Wherever it is, they happen to be parked in their big -ass RV.

[408] They roam the country in together.

[409] living the dream.

[410] Also, shout out to my murdering a mom who was a police dispatcher for the Lakewood Colorado Police Department for over a decade.

[411] She passed on her love of true crime to me, along with her luxurious hair, both of which have greatly improved my life.

[412] And then there's this new like gumdrop emoji that's got a winky face.

[413] You know what I'm talking about?

[414] It's a gum drop.

[415] Stay sexy and always slip cute guys your number when you're on a date with their boss.

[416] Heather from Atlanta Wow, that's amazing That's great advice fucking go for it It also must be nice to hear a story about your parents And have that feeling like it was a faded thing Yeah Like it wasn't she made the effort But he was already excited about her That's like such a sweet exciting Part of that story And the best part is they didn't have a bitter divorce And custody battle at the end It's like nice It's not as much of a meat cute When they end up fucking hating each other mom at home.

[417] No, it's not.

[418] It kind of takes away from it a little bit.

[419] So the fact that they're now roaming the country in an RV is like, it's hotter than ever.

[420] I bet they hold the hands when they drive.

[421] While they drive?

[422] That's not safe.

[423] I bet they have the hand.

[424] You're going crazy.

[425] What's happening?

[426] Okay.

[427] The subject line is new house surprises, a treasure in the wall story.

[428] Hello, Al. Love the show.

[429] Love you.

[430] Love your pets.

[431] Now on to the story.

[432] My family moved into our current home last August, moving across the province mid -pandemic and eight months pregnant is not something I would ever recommend doing.

[433] Thank you for the tip.

[434] Now that spring has sprung, my husband has started with some house projects.

[435] Project one with some landscaping out front, namely moving some overgrown shrubs from directly beside the foundation.

[436] He had been outside for about an hour when he came in and asked, is it a Catholic thing to bury Jesus in your garden?

[437] I mean, is it?

[438] Oh, fucking no. It's not.

[439] It's shaking it.

[440] That sounds like anti -Jesus.

[441] I think it just actually you're not supposed to do stuff.

[442] It's not the 12th commandment.

[443] Thou shall bury Jesus in your mulch.

[444] And hope of Jesus tree grows.

[445] No, that's not, that's not respectful of the icon of the J -Man.

[446] Got it.

[447] And then in parentheses, it says, I was raised, Roman Catholic, he was not.

[448] to which I replied, I'm sorry, what?

[449] He had found buried one foot down in a plastic bag, wrapped in cloth, a tiny religious figure.

[450] I immediately asked if there was any blood on it.

[451] I was assuming that it was a murder weapon.

[452] He replied, no, but I also didn't touch it with my bare hands just in case.

[453] Oh, murderinos.

[454] Yes, in parentheses, it says match made in heaven.

[455] I think so.

[456] My best friend is way more Catholic than me, and then in parentheses, because there are levels.

[457] And she asked what the figure looked like.

[458] It was a man holding a child.

[459] She told me it was probably St. Anthony and was buried because the previous owners lost something and wanted it returned.

[460] When I told my husband, his response was, quote, does it matter if it's glow in the dark?

[461] What?

[462] Because it was.

[463] And my friend responded, well, that's just who do.

[464] Glowing St. Anthony is now in our kitchen.

[465] I fucking love that.

[466] They found the thing that the people who lost something that did.

[467] They're like, where, please Jesus, help us find our statuary and then buried it.

[468] The very next day our sump pump was acting up, so my husband was in the cross space dealing with that.

[469] All of a sudden he comes running upstairs saying, you thought the figurine was cool.

[470] I just found the best thing you could find hidden in a house.

[471] VHS porn.

[472] He found tucked in the wall behind our sump, a VHS.

[473] copy of insatiable two, along with the receipt from the purchase in 2001.

[474] My husband's only regret is that we don't have a VHS player, and I told him it was not worth it to buy one to watch old porn.

[475] His second suggestion was the VHS player is at his parents' place.

[476] No!

[477] I also vetoed that idea.

[478] He is currently on the hunt for a digital copy.

[479] That is all SSDGM Bailey.

[480] Oh, Bailey.

[481] Hey, hey, everyone, gather around.

[482] Look what we found.

[483] Guys, guys, we're going to have a VHS porn party.

[484] Look what St. Jesus sent us or whatever.

[485] Glowing St. Anthony.

[486] It's just like, it's like a retainer that a kid would get that glows in the dark.

[487] I had one.

[488] Why is the statue to have to be glow in the dark?

[489] Well, because St. Anthony is the patron saint of lost or impossible, lost items or impossible cases.

[490] So you pray to St. Anthony.

[491] Like, it's like your daughter's wedding day and you lost.

[492] the keys to the car, whatever, then you stop and go, please, St. Anthony, help us right, da, da, da, da.

[493] So they must have lost something big and crazy to bury something in the yard.

[494] Also, I've never heard of burying anything as a part of the process.

[495] But I just don't understand what the glow in the dark part comes in.

[496] Patriots of St. Raves.

[497] Yeah, because it's lost cause.

[498] I think it's to help you find things in the dark.

[499] Ah, okay.

[500] I think.

[501] That's fun.

[502] Did they have glow in the dark in the patron saint age.

[503] Yes.

[504] Glow in the Dark was invented in 10 BC.

[505] By fucking ancient aliens.

[506] Who were making wallpaper.

[507] Wow.

[508] Was that the last one?

[509] But yes.

[510] You did yours?

[511] I started.

[512] But listen, if you want one more hometown each, we're doing fan cult hometowns now.

[513] If we've never read yours, we're only reading stories from the fan cult.

[514] So you get a, you know, better chance of us seeing those.

[515] You also get like merch when you join, like special and you get discounts on your merch.

[516] And once we start fucking touring again, you get first dibs at tickets.

[517] So it's.

[518] Oh, the benefits.

[519] They pile high and wide.

[520] Videos and.

[521] For just 22 cents a day, you two can have all of this and more.

[522] It's actually way less than that too.

[523] It's like 40 bucks now, right?

[524] Not now.

[525] It's always been 40 bucks.

[526] So we're not.

[527] You know, it's not a scam.

[528] Yeah, stop accusing us of scamming you and stay sexy.

[529] And don't get murdered.

[530] Goodbye.

[531] Elvis, do you want a cookie?