Armchair Anonymous: Movie Theater Experience

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Rather.

[5] I'm joined by Minister Mouse.

[6] Hello, today on Armchair Anonymous, Monica.

[7] As you may recall.

[8] I do.

[9] Okay.

[10] We got into the craziest movie -going experience.

[11] And you cannot listen to this one.

[12] Absolutely correct.

[13] Turn it off.

[14] You have to turn it off.

[15] I said this during it, but there's a story that made me say this is worse than psoriasis.

[16] Yeah.

[17] Well, I'd say particularly if you have a vagina, you're going to want to skip this one.

[18] If you've got a testy and a penis, you might be able to get through it.

[19] But, ooh, doggies, don't listen to this episode.

[20] And when you do and you're pissed off that you didn't listen to us, you've been warned.

[21] Yeah, that's right.

[22] Ouchy, ouchochi.

[23] Ouchy -cochy.

[24] That's a little bit of a foreshadowing.

[25] Someone's what China gets pretty hurt.

[26] Don't give it all.

[27] Okay.

[28] Please enjoy crazy movie -going experiences.

[29] All times come and go.

[30] Take them slow.

[31] I'm going to China.

[32] Hello.

[33] Hello.

[34] So wonderful to see you guys.

[35] How are you doing?

[36] Oh, wonderful.

[37] What a kind, inviting face you have.

[38] Oh, my gosh.

[39] Stop.

[40] Thanks.

[41] That means so much.

[42] Yes.

[43] Now, do you have a preferred fake name?

[44] Do you have, like, a name you love?

[45] I think I'm going to follow suit with some of my previous arm cherries and ask you guys to maybe pick a name that calls to you.

[46] Can we both give one and you pick?

[47] But then I'm picking favorites.

[48] Oh, you're right.

[49] Okay, Rob will pick.

[50] I throw Blake in the ring.

[51] You want Blake.

[52] Okay.

[53] I want Neil Patrick Harris.

[54] That's pretty distracting, I think.

[55] If you're a listener, Neil's good, though.

[56] No, that's my brother.

[57] We can't do that.

[58] All right, fine.

[59] You want to go basic.

[60] No, no, just people be so distracted by like, wow, what's this guy's life like moving through the world is Neil Patrick Harris, but it's not Neil Patrick Harris?

[61] Wouldn't you want that life?

[62] Well, we all would.

[63] What a life.

[64] But I think it's a little off topic.

[65] Okay, well, it could have been his chance to be Neil Patrick Harris for a day and you're robbing him of that, but that's okay.

[66] He's Blake.

[67] Well, oddly enough, it is a Neil Patrick Harris movie that I'm talking about today.

[68] Oh, are you serious?

[69] No, it's not.

[70] Oh.

[71] But wouldn't that be crazy?

[72] That would have been the hugest ding, ding, ding.

[73] Biggest sim.

[74] But at any rate, you had a crazy movie -going experience.

[75] Maybe you've had more than one, but you're going to tell us about one in particular.

[76] Yeah, the story I'm going to be talking about today takes place back in 2012.

[77] My friends and I were between 12 and 14 at the time.

[78] One Saturday night, we all decided that we would go to the movies, as tweens tend to do.

[79] at that age because you have no means of transportation other than your parents.

[80] Monica, you get it.

[81] The movie theater just kind of becomes one of those default hangout locations, right?

[82] So we all go to the movies, but because some of us were under 13, we were forced to go and see a PG movie, which we weren't exactly thrilled about, but nevertheless, we decided to go see the Lorax.

[83] Okay, real quick, Blake, 12 -year -olds and 13 -year -olds don't carry identification, so it's really just you reporting your own age to the ticket seller, right?

[84] Yeah, some of us very much looked under 13, I would say.

[85] Okay, okay, okay.

[86] I was going to say, like, abnormally honest crew of dudes you're hanging with.

[87] I think we did probably try to get into another movie, but either way, we ended up at the Lorax.

[88] The movie starts and kind of off the bat, we're not necessarily glued to the screen, kind of being under the impression that we're too old, way too cool and mature to be seeing a Dr. Seuss movie.

[89] Yeah.

[90] It's a little emasculating to be watching that movie at that age.

[91] Exactly.

[92] You look around the theater and it's primarily six and seven -year -olds, not cool, 12, 13, 14 -year -olds.

[93] So the first few minutes of the movie, we're kind of making small talk with one another, kind of joking around, talking quietly.

[94] I know breaking the golden rule of the moviegoing experience, not to be talking in the theater.

[95] Not proud of it, but as you can imagine, our attention spans weren't super high at that age.

[96] And seated directly in front of us is just this huge, burly guy there with his wife and kids.

[97] Every minute or so, he turns around and just glares at us, just absolutely shooting daggers at us, clearly pissed off that we're making any kind of noise whatsoever.

[98] Really quick, I do love the escalation of battle that exists.

[99] Like, you always start with turning around and just looking.

[100] Just a little love.

[101] Yeah, you're like, I see you.

[102] And I only would be doing this, obviously, if something you were doing was objectionable.

[103] Yep.

[104] And every time he turns around, he turns around a little bit farther, right?

[105] to the point where he's almost at 180, you know?

[106] And each time he would turn around, we would quiet down.

[107] But a few minutes later, the giggles spring back up.

[108] You know how it is.

[109] And at one point, somebody in our group cracks a joke, and one of the girls in our group let out a pretty hearty laugh.

[110] This guy promptly leans forward as far as he can in his chair and just launches himself backwards in his seat, slamming his chair into this girl's knees.

[111] Just direct impact.

[112] Oh, wow.

[113] Yes.

[114] And keep in mind, this.

[115] is a huge guy, a pretty dainty, 13 -year -old girl.

[116] She starts to tear up.

[117] She turns to her boyfriend, Mike, and she's like, I want to leave.

[118] I'm not having a good time anymore.

[119] So he's assaulted this team.

[120] Mike, my best friend at the time, still my best friend to this day, actually.

[121] He takes it upon himself to defend his girlfriend's honor.

[122] Oh, wonderful.

[123] Yes, he's going to stand up to this guy.

[124] Dax, I'm sure you would have done probably just the same.

[125] Dax would be either of these people.

[126] You wouldn't have assaulted the teen.

[127] I could be any of the three.

[128] I could be the teenage girl.

[129] I could be the boyfriend.

[130] I don't think you would have been the teenage girl crying.

[131] Well, but laughing uncontrolled way.

[132] Oh, sure, sure, yeah, yeah.

[133] Mike decides something needs to be done, you know.

[134] So he leans forward, gets right up in this guy's ear, and he whispers, sir, go fuck yourself.

[135] Oh, good for Mike.

[136] Without skipping a beat, this guy jumps clear over here.

[137] his chair into our row and just has both hands wrapped around Mike's neck.

[138] No!

[139] Yes, yep.

[140] He's screaming in his face.

[141] He's squeezing so hard it looks like he's trying to pop his head like a balloon, right?

[142] Oh my God, this escalated.

[143] And his children are there.

[144] Well, he's modeling the behavior.

[145] He hopes that they grew up.

[146] Oh, my God.

[147] He jumped into our row.

[148] He's attacking Mike.

[149] And obviously, our whole friend group is jumping on this guy trying to get him off.

[150] Oh.

[151] The Lorax.

[152] I vividly remember trying to muster all of my adolescent strength to just hit this guy as hard as I could.

[153] But he's just so big.

[154] I don't even think he noticed that we were there.

[155] So a minute or two of this goes on, and people from elsewhere in the theater from other rows, primarily parents, are trying to rush to our aid and subdue this guy.

[156] He is just so locked in, laser -focused, just in a tunnel vision of rage.

[157] Oh, my God.

[158] I don't think he registered anyone, anything going on around.

[159] him.

[160] He's in a PTSD.

[161] He is.

[162] This is someone else he's choking from his past.

[163] It's a passion or whatever.

[164] Crime of passion.

[165] Yes, yes.

[166] Definitely high aggression for a PG Dr. Seuss movie, right?

[167] Just off the bat.

[168] So I don't know where he was channeling it from, but probably not the present setting.

[169] So everybody is having a hard time getting this guy off of Mike.

[170] Next thing you know, the movie theater had completely stopped the film, turned all of the lights on, and three or four police officers are rushing into the theater to try and break things up.

[171] Whoa.

[172] Thankfully, they were successful in doing so.

[173] They grabbed this guy.

[174] They take him and my group of friends out into the lobby to get a statement.

[175] Not popcorn.

[176] Yep, exactly.

[177] And just to kind of add a little bit of background, my friends and I at the time were very much falling into the stereotype of skaters.

[178] I knew it.

[179] I almost said skaters.

[180] Yeah, okay, great.

[181] Long messy hair, you know, baggy metal band T -shirts, probably a spiked belt or two in the rotation.

[182] You know the type.

[183] So in the eyes of the police, this was a matchup of some punk kids versus a father who's taking his kids to the theater for the evening.

[184] The police really aren't buying into our recollection of events.

[185] And that's not to say that we are totally blameless in this situation.

[186] There was a bit of a back and forth, I guess, but we certainly weren't the ones that jumped into another row to assault.

[187] And kind of as we're having this conversation with the police officer, I look, over at this guy who's giving his statement to another officer.

[188] And standing next to him are his wife and kids.

[189] Right.

[190] Just staring at the ground, they looked a little embarrassed, but they did not look surprised or shocked.

[191] They did not look like this was the first time they had ever seen that kind of behavior before.

[192] So in my mind, I'm thinking, if this guy has no qualms about assaulting a stranger, a minor at that, and a public movie theater, what's he doing by?

[193] behind closed doors, what is his family potentially putting up with?

[194] Yes.

[195] Anyway, the police eventually tell us that they're not really going to do anything about the situation.

[196] You're kidding.

[197] I think in their eyes, we probably got what we deserved for talking in a movie theater.

[198] Can I ask what part of the country this happened?

[199] Yes, I was just wondering that.

[200] This was in the Boston area.

[201] Okay.

[202] That helps.

[203] Let me tell you something.

[204] This whole scenario goes down in Salt Lake City.

[205] That's not the outcome.

[206] Yeah, that guy's going to jail.

[207] If it happens in L .A., that guy's going to jail.

[208] It happens in Detroit, 50 -50.

[209] go that way, for sure.

[210] Right, right.

[211] I feel like it's a little bit regional.

[212] Fair enough.

[213] So they decide they're not going to do anything about it.

[214] They eventually just ask us to leave.

[215] I believe they asked the guy to leave as well, at least I hope so.

[216] I don't remember him necessarily walking out with us or anything.

[217] But if they let him back into the theater, that would be something else altogether.

[218] So needless to say, we did not get to finish the Lorax that day.

[219] And I have not finished the Lorax to this day.

[220] But doing all this reminiscing does kind of make me maybe want to go back and give it another shot.

[221] Okay, now, now, what happened when Mike went home and told his parents that he had been nearly choked to death by an adult man and the police let him go?

[222] Did they take any action?

[223] Oddly enough, Mike's girlfriend at the time, the one that got her knees bashed in, her mom was a lawyer.

[224] And she was the first one on the scene.

[225] And she was out for blood.

[226] She was very much in the lane of, what do you mean you're not going to do anything about this?

[227] Steps need to be taken.

[228] It deescalated, you know, nothing ever really came of it.

[229] But she heard our side of the story and definitely sided with us, obviously.

[230] Wow.

[231] This is, you know, first and foremost, I wish Mike was with us because you'd have to answer for him.

[232] Ultimately happy, he told that guy to fuck off.

[233] Or no, did he regret it?

[234] I think he would have done the exact same thing if it happened today.

[235] Yeah.

[236] That's very much the type of guy, Mike is.

[237] He's always there to stand up for his friends.

[238] For me, and it makes no sense logically, it's not really defend.

[239] but the pain I would experience by letting a guy assault my girlfriend and watch her cry and I didn't do anything, the amount of time I would carry that pain, because I've done that in my life.

[240] I've backed down in situations that I regretted.

[241] That's way more painful than getting choked for two minutes.

[242] I'd really prefer that.

[243] I know that's a weird, logical place to be able.

[244] It's long -term pain versus short -term pain.

[245] What he would have defeated me in that moment would be my character in who I think I am, but he can't really take that away from me by choking me. It was very interesting.

[246] Second thought, you know, you don't like that?

[247] No, I just hate that guy.

[248] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[249] Who knows where he is today?

[250] I can't imagine that guy's very happy.

[251] Of course not, but obviously.

[252] No one happy is doing that.

[253] Yeah, I mean, that's a really wild reaction.

[254] The idea that he has a family sitting next to them and that was his behavior is so.

[255] That's a little troubling, yeah.

[256] So scary.

[257] Yes.

[258] And the reaction of the family that Blake pointed out.

[259] I will say what's kind of ironic about hearing the story is I've had two altercations in movie theaters but one of them was the same thing we went to see chicken little and i got into it with this gangbanger in front of me who was on a phone call for 12 minutes but i think it's funny that you would imagine you're going to get in a fight at a stephen segal movie not the lorax but here we find that shit's popping off in these pg movies that's right my assumption is that he was also not necessarily glued to the screen you know he wasn't there for the plot so maybe he was just looking for something to kill the time that's a pretty good assumption yeah once he got fixated on you guys disturbing i guarantee that's all he was listening for you're right monica i've been in both sides of that i mean i've never assaulted a child yet oh we'll see as my daughter's age someone just got fancy with my daughter today at school she's 10 and i said well do you think you can take this dude with your jiu jutsu if it goes sideways and she said yes and i said okay great so i don't have to intervene you are not to physically enter that's correct right yeah that's kind of let's just make that clear right you recruit other children did you that's right yeah i just go you're right I'll signal out the tough kid at school and give him 20 bucks to handle the business.

[260] Wow, Blake, what an amazing story.

[261] What a hair -raising event for you to witness.

[262] And I learned my lesson.

[263] I do not talk in the movies anymore.

[264] Good.

[265] Lessons were learned.

[266] Well, incredibly nice meeting you and wonderful hearing that story.

[267] And I'm glad that Mike made it through.

[268] I will tell him that you commend his actions.

[269] Thank you.

[270] That's exactly what I'd want you to pass on to him.

[271] Great luck with everything.

[272] Thanks so much for telling him.

[273] us that story.

[274] Of course.

[275] Thank you so much for having me. This was excellent.

[276] Wonderful.

[277] All right.

[278] Be good.

[279] All righty.

[280] Have a great day.

[281] Thank you both so much.

[282] Take care.

[283] Well, that was a good movie theater story.

[284] Yeah.

[285] Hi.

[286] Hello.

[287] Hi.

[288] Can you see me?

[289] Oh, perfectly.

[290] Perfectly.

[291] Is it evening where you're at?

[292] It is four o 'clock.

[293] Oh, okay.

[294] That's a good.

[295] Central time.

[296] I am in the closet and the lighting isn't great.

[297] I like it.

[298] It's a little moody.

[299] Yeah, it's mildly romantic.

[300] It's lovely.

[301] A little bit.

[302] This can be a bedroom for my husband when he works third shift sometimes it's cozy wonderful is he a firefighter he's not 10 p .m. to 6 am.

[303] what does he do he's a police officer I was in the realm you were close 10 to 6 that's tough yeah that'll fuck up your schedule huh yeah and when you have kids it's just screws up everybody's schedules I've read a lot of stuff about people on night shift how damaging it is for your health yeah yeah and how many mistakes are made during night shift it's bad for your and your family, and it's just not how really the world works.

[304] Yeah.

[305] We're not a nocturnal animal.

[306] So, yes, and the topic was tell us about a crazy sleep schedule.

[307] So here we are.

[308] Oh, yes.

[309] I should not be the one here.

[310] He should be the one here.

[311] That's for sure.

[312] Okay, so you had a crazy movie going experience.

[313] Yeah, I did.

[314] I never thought I'd be retelling it here, but here we are.

[315] Please.

[316] So this story actually starts out.

[317] Hold on.

[318] Are you Canadian?

[319] I'm from Wisconsin.

[320] Oh, you?

[321] Okay.

[322] Very close.

[323] But I hate that you hear that.

[324] No, I love it.

[325] What are you talking?

[326] I'm a Missigander.

[327] Yeah, we got the UP.

[328] Try really hard to not identify with that, but that's okay.

[329] It's just very specific.

[330] Yes.

[331] Okay, what year was it?

[332] I interrupted you.

[333] Early 2000s, the movie going experience was not like it is now.

[334] You're like practically sitting in folding chairs.

[335] You know, if you see a movie that comes out, you get there, you don't see it for six more months.

[336] Right.

[337] Where I can just stream it in our basement.

[338] Hence the collapse of the movie industry, yes, yes.

[339] Definitely a different time.

[340] This is when Pearl Harbor came out.

[341] Oh, I saw it so many times in the movie theater.

[342] I mean, Fen Affleck and Josh Hartnett in uniforms.

[343] I obviously have a thing for uniforms here.

[344] I'm a heartnet.

[345] I'm a heartnet guy.

[346] He's not really a heartnet guy.

[347] He's just saying that because I'm a Ben girl.

[348] No, I mean, yes, that helps.

[349] But no, I fell in love with Josh Hartnett in faculty, the Rodriguez movie.

[350] He was sensational.

[351] And I'm like, this is the most captivating young actor.

[352] And gorgeous.

[353] Oh, so fucking good -looking.

[354] So, yeah.

[355] So my two best friends and I decide were going to go see this movie.

[356] And one of my best friends' parents decided we'll go to.

[357] What age are you?

[358] 14 at the time.

[359] The story is going to sound traumatic.

[360] It was not traumatic in any way to any of us.

[361] So just like a disclaimer.

[362] Anti -trigger warning.

[363] Okay.

[364] This is like, you think it's going to be triggering, but it's not for me. Yeah.

[365] I like it.

[366] You know, I have three kids.

[367] I have two daughters.

[368] And so when I'm telling the story as a parent, I'm like, but at the time or me right now, we all felt like it was more of a funny experience.

[369] Okay.

[370] Oh, I have predictions, but I'm not going to say.

[371] We get in line, and it's a booming place.

[372] That was the culture of movie theaters then.

[373] We get our tickets.

[374] We get our concession stand treats.

[375] And I said, I have to go to the restroom, click.

[376] And we get into the theater, and it's packed.

[377] her parents go up to the upper level and the only spot that we had available to us there was one row that had about six seats available and this was like four rows back from the screen well okay pretty close we tuck in right to like the middle so it's best friend number one goes best friend number two goes and then i go and there's three open seats closest to the aisle and the movie starts and a man comes and sits down in the middle seat so he's one or open seat away from me. Okay.

[378] One open seat away from the aisle.

[379] Weird move.

[380] I couldn't even guess an age.

[381] I would maybe say like 50.

[382] Probably 38 when you're young.

[383] Probably.

[384] When I was retelling the story, I was like, it was probably much younger.

[385] Yeah.

[386] And he sits down, whatever, it's fine.

[387] And then to the day, I have no idea what came over me, but I looked over.

[388] And he is aggressively rubbing the outside of his pants on his groin.

[389] Oh, can I ask a real quick wardrobe question?

[390] He He wasn't in sweatpants, was he?

[391] No, no, no. He's in shorts.

[392] It was a really hot summer day.

[393] So just like shorts, t -shirt, this low hat.

[394] Okay.

[395] So, like, tap my friend in the shoulder.

[396] And I was like, what is happening here?

[397] And we start to laugh because you're like, I don't know.

[398] I'm not a boy.

[399] It's hot out.

[400] Are his balls stuck to his thighs?

[401] That happens.

[402] Yeah.

[403] It's a whole world I don't know about.

[404] So we kind of laugh, ignore him.

[405] And then I look again, and it's aggressive.

[406] It is next level.

[407] Oh, wow.

[408] Is he making fit?

[409] faces or noises.

[410] So he has a hat.

[411] It's really low, which is suspicious.

[412] Yeah.

[413] There are so many people here, so we're not feeling unsafe.

[414] We must have been disruptive enough.

[415] We're laughing because we don't know what else to do.

[416] And the lady in front of us leaves.

[417] And when she comes back, she brings the manager of the theater.

[418] She is complaining about us.

[419] She has no idea what's happening next to us.

[420] Oh, my God.

[421] We're just laughing.

[422] and not really realizing because we're focused on what's happening next to us.

[423] So when he tries to get to us, he has to climb over him.

[424] And he has a flashlight.

[425] And so when he climbs over him, you can see a full erect penis.

[426] His penis is now out.

[427] In his hand.

[428] When we turned.

[429] Dick out.

[430] Yeah.

[431] That was the first penis we ever saw.

[432] Oh, sure.

[433] It wasn't traumatic.

[434] We were just like, it was what it was.

[435] How would this have ended if she didn't get the manager?

[436] And so he says something along lines of, sir, can you please put that away and come with me?

[437] And it's like, he's not going to zip up his pants.

[438] I'm like, okay, sure.

[439] So the guy stands up and just body checks him.

[440] No. Because he has to get him out of the way so he can run so he can get out.

[441] And so the exit is on the opposite side of where we're sitting.

[442] So he has to run across the screen.

[443] The world's most unfortunate shadow puppet.

[444] The manager has some sort of like walkie -talkie and yells, I need backup.

[445] Like you haven't given a location or what's happening.

[446] He thinks he's a cop all of a sudden.

[447] Some guy's shoveling popcorn and he just hears in his earpiece, I need backup.

[448] I'm like a ticket taker.

[449] Yeah.

[450] What of the 20 theaters do I run?

[451] Oh, wow.

[452] Right.

[453] And they're all teenagers.

[454] No one's qualified to take that backup call.

[455] Exactly.

[456] we're just all in shock and a man in the front row ran after so it's like the masturbator guy runs the manager runs after him trying to call for backup they chase them and we're there left to just watch the rest of the movie pretty much and so my best friend's parents are up top they know something has happened and then when we get to the end of the movie and we walk out there's just crowds saying what happened what's going on and we're teenagers and we're not wanting to say this guy I'm was a predator and disgusting and here jerking off next to us.

[457] So my friend's parents were like, well, we need to talk to a manager here and like figure out what is going on.

[458] He says, I chase the guy.

[459] I chased him down.

[460] There's like a strip mall.

[461] There's a garden center and he hopped the fence and he outran me. And I was really shocked.

[462] He didn't see him physically fit.

[463] The masturbator.

[464] The masturbator.

[465] Yes.

[466] I would imagine he was exhausted at this point.

[467] But he goes on.

[468] to say he is a serial movie theater, masturbator.

[469] Oh.

[470] At the time, they had a photo of him behind the ticket counter.

[471] He was, like, banned from the place.

[472] He finds females who walk out of the bathroom, as I did in the beginning of the story.

[473] No. Follows them to whatever theater they're in, finds a seat next to them.

[474] It just so happened that there were three seats next to me. What's up, guys?

[475] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is best.

[476] with a new season and let me tell you it's too good and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest okay every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation and I don't mean just friends I mean the likes of Amy polar Kell Mitchell Vivica Fox the list goes on so follow watch and listen to baby this is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast we've all been there turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains debilitating body aches sudden and fevers and strange rashes.

[477] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[478] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[479] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[480] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[481] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[482] Follow Mr. Ballin's medical mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[483] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon Music.

[484] So he was masturbating to you.

[485] Well, at that time, too.

[486] I'm 14, but I don't look 14.

[487] It's like I hit puberty way before my friends.

[488] I'm already feeling weird about them.

[489] Sure.

[490] I thought he was masturbating to To Judge Hartnett.

[491] To the sexy movie.

[492] Oh, I didn't.

[493] No, no, no, no. Kate Beckinsale.

[494] Sure.

[495] Everyone's hot in the movie, but that reeks of, that's his kink.

[496] Nobody has ever become so horny in a crowded theater watching a sex scene.

[497] They decided to whip their dick out and jerk off.

[498] If that's not 40 what they do.

[499] Yes, yes, yes.

[500] This is his kink.

[501] This is how he gets off.

[502] This is like a flasher.

[503] Like, I learned this about flashers.

[504] What they're in.

[505] it for is the look on your face when you react.

[506] That's the weird kink.

[507] It's me laughing with my friends when I realize what's happening.

[508] There's some people who get off on being disgusting.

[509] Like we've watched docs about this where the person hires a prostitute to basically belittle them and tell them they have a tiny penis and all these weird shaming things.

[510] Like there's such a cornucopia of weird sexual things happening.

[511] But he's a pedophile.

[512] Sure.

[513] Yeah.

[514] I'm not sure if it was specific to younger teenage girls.

[515] But he gave us each a free movie pass.

[516] Oh, congrats.

[517] Thanks for the six bucks at the time.

[518] And then he got us in contact with the police officers that he was working with.

[519] And then we were contacted later that week.

[520] They had to come to my parents' house.

[521] And my friend had to come.

[522] And they took us in separate rooms and had us look at six different mugshots.

[523] Because they ended up arresting him at a gas station.

[524] Wow.

[525] So you've had the experience that I think about so often and we talk about so often because eyewitness accounts are really tricky.

[526] Was it very obvious to you who it was when they showed you the six photos?

[527] They told us we were correct and who we chose.

[528] We ended up having to do it again two weeks later.

[529] They didn't give us a reason why.

[530] But it was mainly the body type versus the other body types that were there.

[531] So I don't know what ended up ever happening to him, but it was.

[532] was really just the weirdest experience.

[533] Yeah, here's what it does.

[534] Permanently now your worldview that could go down into movie theater, whereas it never crosses my mind.

[535] I'm going to look to the left and see a guy choking his chicken to Josh Hardin.

[536] Well, what would you do if you saw that happening when you're at the movie?

[537] There's a lot of different scenarios, right?

[538] If it were me and my three buddies in junior high, we would have loved this, right?

[539] We would have been laughing.

[540] We would have probably called him some names.

[541] We would have loved it.

[542] If I were there with a day, who was a young woman, I probably would have started shaming him and yelling at him.

[543] You know, I think it all depends on like, do I think this is funny and memorable, or is this threatening and scary to somebody around me?

[544] Maybe Monica's the better being a female in my same age.

[545] I hate to say this.

[546] I feel like at that time in my life or even in the world, I wouldn't have known how bad that was.

[547] Like, I wouldn't have known that was a predator.

[548] I would have been like, ew, like.

[549] That guy has his penis out.

[550] He's a terrible summer itch in his crotch.

[551] Oh, my God.

[552] Ew.

[553] That's a so itchy.

[554] Like, I would have been laughing with my friends, too.

[555] And I think it would have been years before I realized.

[556] Or maybe when the person said he follows girls, that is when I'd be like, oh, that was scary.

[557] But it would have taken a second.

[558] So I feel like I would have been on the exact same trajectory you were.

[559] It definitely wouldn't have said anything.

[560] It highlights a component of why predators are so often successful is that it is such a confusing thing that you don't jump to the scariest thing.

[561] It's just, I think that they count on the fact that you'll be more in a state of shock and confusion than you will.

[562] Oh, my God, that's a threat.

[563] You know, is that I also just wasn't taught to be afraid of that, I guess?

[564] Nowadays, I think parents are much better about teaching their kids about predators.

[565] I don't know.

[566] Unless he was a kidnapper.

[567] That's all we were warned about his kids is kidnappers.

[568] Yeah, yeah.

[569] Well, my family experienced within my family abuse, and so my older sister, it was a conversation.

[570] To a point where I was afraid of really things that I shouldn't have been afraid of.

[571] Right.

[572] To her point, she was really trying to do the thing where she was like, be aware.

[573] This is what can happen.

[574] I wasn't eight or nine, you know, so like you're already talking about these things.

[575] Right.

[576] Yeah, hand jobs are happening in junior high.

[577] And the movies that you are watching, it's a lot of American pie and road trip.

[578] And they're like laughing about these same situations.

[579] Now, if that guy you look over and he's fucking a pie, that's a problem.

[580] problem but in a movie very funny when jason biggs fucks a pie so it's so funny yeah and we think that's just fine it's definitely not fine when it's just this oh my god creep right next to us again i hate to show compassion to predators but i'm so grateful i don't have the urge to go do that and to feel completely unsatisfied in the absence that i'm just grateful well and is the kink that you're getting caught yes that run that chase over the fence is that the part that is that the part that is most appealing to you.

[581] Yeah, to learn that the gamblers like losing the most.

[582] It's like, what you don't know.

[583] Mary, this is a whopper.

[584] This was great.

[585] Big time.

[586] I am really glad you had the perfect preface because I think I would have been getting really nervous.

[587] It was the perfect setup to know that this is a funny thing that happened to you.

[588] You didn't feel trauma from it.

[589] Yes, that helped.

[590] And I submitted it.

[591] And then after I did, I was like, this may feel just a little too dicey.

[592] And then I wrote again to saying, hey, this was really not our experience at all.

[593] It was not at all.

[594] But I could see where it would be.

[595] So I wanted to be sensitive about that.

[596] But we laugh.

[597] Like, that's the first penis we saw.

[598] Right.

[599] It was so unfortunate.

[600] Yeah.

[601] Like, is that really what we're working with?

[602] Great.

[603] That's our future.

[604] Oh, wow.

[605] Wow, Mary, what a barn burner of a story.

[606] Thank you so much for telling us that.

[607] That was wonderful.

[608] Yeah, absolutely.

[609] It was so great to meet you guys.

[610] Yeah.

[611] Yeah, nice to meet you too.

[612] All right.

[613] Thank you.

[614] Bye.

[615] Can you hear me?

[616] Yes.

[617] Can you hear us?

[618] Yes.

[619] Perfectly.

[620] Oh, wonderful.

[621] Audrey, welcome.

[622] You have had an incredible or memorable or crazy movie going experience.

[623] I would say so.

[624] Set the stage for us.

[625] What year is this?

[626] What part of the country are we in?

[627] Anything you think is relevant?

[628] Not really relevant, but we're in Utah.

[629] 2019.

[630] I'm on a date night with my husband.

[631] We decided to go to a movie.

[632] We go see Captain Marvel.

[633] Didn't see it, though.

[634] Okay.

[635] Spoiler alert.

[636] Exactly.

[637] We get to the movie and my husband's like, I'm going to go get the seat.

[638] You can use the restroom if you need to.

[639] So he's already in there.

[640] And you know how there's usually two doors you can go in to the same theater room?

[641] I chose poorly and I went in the wrong one.

[642] That just meant that I was going to have to crawl over people to get to my seat.

[643] So I see my husband.

[644] I start going down the aisle.

[645] It's reclined seats.

[646] Oh, okay.

[647] Upscale.

[648] So fancy.

[649] This guy is totally reclined and he's very tall.

[650] So his feet are hanging well over the footrest.

[651] And I just kind of stand there for a second thinking, oh, maybe he'll accommodate me. He didn't.

[652] That was fine.

[653] Whatever.

[654] So I literally had to step over him.

[655] Were you dressed for the occasion?

[656] Were you in a dress or a skirt or did you have a pant on?

[657] Yeah, it was just jeans.

[658] Okay, perfect.

[659] And just to kind of give you an idea of what the theater was like, all of the rows up to mine had like a half wall, you know, for safety so that you don't fall over.

[660] Okay.

[661] Mine was the only aisle that did not have that.

[662] But what it did have was like a barrier of sorts.

[663] It was like eight inches tall, like an inch thick, basically so that if you drop your kid.

[664] candy it doesn't fall all the way so i step over the guy's feet and i do not land on anything with my foot what i do land on is that thin plastic barrier with my vagina no wait what wait wait wait wait so i'm trying to imagine this you're the guy's laid out i get that and then you're going to put one leg over him really quick did you decide to face him or give him Yeah, I was facing him and my foot, instead of landing back on the same level, it went behind the seat in front of him.

[665] Okay.

[666] And then you drop immediately out of frame.

[667] Oh, shit.

[668] My right leg is up here on the aisle.

[669] Uh -huh.

[670] And my left leg is down.

[671] Uh -huh.

[672] It's just dangling.

[673] There's nothing down there for it to touch.

[674] Okay.

[675] And you go vagina first into this.

[676] Yes, I just scissor this thin plastic barriers.

[677] Ouchy, carumba.

[678] I just did.

[679] And the lady in front of me, she heard me. And she just turned around.

[680] I was like, are you okay?

[681] And I was like, no. Yeah.

[682] Like it knocked the wind out of you through the vagina.

[683] Oh, yes.

[684] It was like, oh, just absolute pain.

[685] So nobody came to help.

[686] me. The guy still had his feet out.

[687] No. Is it possible he was paralyzed?

[688] Should we be showing compassion?

[689] Was he set in this seat?

[690] I have thought every scenario, I'm like, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

[691] Maybe he was handicapped of some sort.

[692] The social cues weren't there.

[693] Yes, yes, yes.

[694] Can I ask a really inappropriate question?

[695] Just because it is driving me nuts.

[696] I have never fallen on my vagina, but I have definitely been kicked and punched.

[697] And really, if you're going to receive a blow to the groin and you're a boy, your hope is that it hits your penis and not your testicles.

[698] The testicles send a very unique and terrible feeling up into your stomach.

[699] Now, I hate to say that I'm curious, did you land like on your perineum or your clitoris?

[700] No, not your clitoris, no. It's just the whole thing.

[701] It got the whole thing.

[702] Would I be right to assume that the worst place to get a hard object would be the actual clitoris?

[703] If it damaged it and then no longer worked.

[704] Right.

[705] Well, then we'd be looking into ending our life.

[706] But as far as the feeling, I think the feeling upon impact would be the same.

[707] Oh, okay.

[708] Interesting.

[709] Who's to say, really, but it's probably very similar.

[710] Okay.

[711] Maybe this is probably inappropriate question.

[712] I just, I guess I'd prefer to land on my perineum than my clitoris.

[713] No, it's different.

[714] Okay.

[715] Okay, great.

[716] We're moving on.

[717] All right.

[718] So just you're in a ton of pain.

[719] You're going to make your way to your husband still?

[720] Exactly.

[721] I stand up and I look at my husband.

[722] husband and he's looking at me like what the fuck's wrong with you why are you falling down what just happened so or like you were there and then all of a sudden you're not there so i i walked towards him and sit down and he just looks me and he's like what just happened i just heard like a really loud thud and i was like yeah i just fell back there and he's like well let's go get you checked out like do you need to go to the bathroom and see if you're okay i'm like no i'm fine i will be able to laugh about this in a minute, just let me get past this initial pain.

[723] And I was very embarrassed to just, like, walk past everybody after, like, they saw me fall, you know.

[724] Monica would have been bawling.

[725] Oh, I would have.

[726] Yeah.

[727] I mean, it hurt, but I wasn't thinking anything.

[728] You were in shock.

[729] So then I sat there for about 10 seconds, and then I just got this rush of warmth, down yonder.

[730] No. Oh, Lord.

[731] Okay.

[732] No. Well, two things could have happened.

[733] Right.

[734] Well, let's let her tell.

[735] Yeah, so I, I reached my hand down between my legs, lifted it up.

[736] Oh, crimson.

[737] Blood, blood, blood, blood, blood.

[738] And I show my husband, and he does not do well with the blood.

[739] He's like, get up.

[740] We're going now.

[741] Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

[742] It's hurting.

[743] Wobby, get Monica some eyes.

[744] Help, help, help.

[745] I feel it.

[746] I feel it.

[747] Yes, it pains me even, like, to the same.

[748] It like gets me right here and I'm like, so we get out.

[749] And luckily, there was an Instacare right next door.

[750] So we're like, oh, sweet.

[751] Okay, well, let's just head right there.

[752] And by this point, it was like, okay, I'm not okay.

[753] I'm hurting.

[754] This is very bad, you know.

[755] So we get to the Instacare.

[756] There's a sweet little mom and her son there waiting.

[757] And the mom is looking at me like, she is not okay.

[758] Just imagine like all the things.

[759] that would go through your minds, seeing someone bleeding from there and crying.

[760] It is your belief that it was visible through your pants and the mom saw that.

[761] It had started bleeding through.

[762] Okay.

[763] All right.

[764] Kind of like a roar shack.

[765] And you also must have been panicking.

[766] Like, I'm bleeding out.

[767] I would have to go look at what was happening before I continued on.

[768] My own curiosity would have forced me to look.

[769] No, not you guys?

[770] Keep it covered to a doctor.

[771] Yes.

[772] I don't want to see.

[773] Keep pressure on the wound.

[774] Well, Jesus, careful Monica.

[775] It hurts.

[776] I'm standing there and the guy comes out to get the next people that are waiting there to be seen.

[777] The mom just goes, no, no, no. She can go ahead of me. Her arm is like dangling off.

[778] I don't want my son seeing this.

[779] Yeah.

[780] I'm more worried about the emotional damage that's happening to my young son here.

[781] Mommy, did she have a baby in her pants?

[782] That is exactly like my fear was she was thinking that.

[783] Something really bad happened.

[784] Yeah.

[785] What if you were just there for a tampon?

[786] It's so stupid.

[787] What if the mom opened her purse and then just handed you a tampon?

[788] Here, ma 'am, I've been in this situation before.

[789] I don't think you need to see the doctor for this.

[790] Here's a tampon.

[791] I'm going to need a few more than just one.

[792] So, anyway, finally get back there.

[793] At this point, it's dripping on the floor.

[794] No. It's a gusher.

[795] That doesn't happen.

[796] Right.

[797] So I get back in there to be seen.

[798] They have me stripped down.

[799] She proceeds to take paper towels and white.

[800] Yeah.

[801] She doesn't dab.

[802] Rough paper towels wiping me. Oh, my God.

[803] You know, you guys think you should only have a female doctor for these things, but I just say personally, I would have wet that down.

[804] Okay.

[805] That would have been nice.

[806] Yeah, I would absolutely appreciate that.

[807] Yeah.

[808] No, there was no wedding.

[809] So just like scratchy.

[810] She was just wiping, trying to see where it was coming from.

[811] And my husband, oh, bless his sweet little soul, he was beside himself.

[812] He was just like, my wife is bleeding out.

[813] I think we need to go to the emergency room.

[814] Like, I don't know if you guys are equipped here.

[815] She's like, I can't stop the blood and I can't see where it's coming from, exactly.

[816] So I'm going to call the ambulance to come get you.

[817] The ambulance comes, gets me, takes me to.

[818] the ER.

[819] Obviously, they're, you know, well equipped to do all the things.

[820] So they cleaned me up and they found that I had three big laceration.

[821] Do you care to tell us where?

[822] Were they on the Volvo?

[823] No, we don't need to know that.

[824] I feel like I need to know.

[825] No, yeah.

[826] No, I shouldn't know.

[827] This isn't for horny purposes.

[828] I would hope not.

[829] Okay, good.

[830] She's married.

[831] There's other issues if this is for horny, you know?

[832] Yeah.

[833] I will say that one of them almost completely cut off one of my lip.

[834] Wow.

[835] See, I'm glad I asked.

[836] It almost bisected your, okay.

[837] When you fell, there must have been something poking out.

[838] This is why I asked where it was at, because here's what I'm thinking.

[839] I'm just thinking of physics.

[840] So it's a hard surface you're landing on.

[841] And then I think about what are the bones in that area?

[842] Well, there's really not a ton of bones between the mon's pubis and then all the way back to the coxics you need something else hard against that to create that slice right so i was inclined to think it was up pretty high by that mon's pubis but here we are with a nearly detached lip i don't know but no slicing that would be like a shattering or something but slicing feels weird i thought for sure something was broken honestly but i think what it was it was the hem of my jeans oh sure that's the only thing i I like that idea.

[843] That's almost, no one's going to like this.

[844] No, why?

[845] Remember you're in elementary school and you'd somehow have to use that huge paper cutter?

[846] Oh, stop!

[847] I'm just saying, I think the gusset, the hem, acted as that.

[848] I'm sorry.

[849] This is worse than psoriasis.

[850] I imagine you received some stitches.

[851] I had nine stitches.

[852] I did go to a gyno the next day and she said, you should have had way more than.

[853] right the ER doctor he is not equipped with the kind of sutures that a gynecologist or an OBGYN would use so he just had to use like fishing line no how was peeing after that oh god peeing oh oh oh although it is antiseptic which is no but stingy stingy but antiseptic you can imagine white being oh yeah clarified too much I can't It was so much worse than childbirth because you think like, oh, childbirth, obviously I'm getting a baby after this.

[854] Childbirth, they suture you up and you know that that's a possibility.

[855] But this was just a crazy accident.

[856] Holy shit.

[857] Yeah, you thought you were going to see some Marvel action.

[858] Well, you did.

[859] Expectations were not met.

[860] Well, I mean, in some ways, you are a superhero from making it through that.

[861] Audrey, that went as bad as a fall has gone that I've heard about.

[862] Yeah.

[863] In fact, we interviewed someone who jumped through a plate glass window in a sleep.

[864] Yeah, but that's nothing compared to it.

[865] That was nothing compared to this.

[866] I would have preferred to have done what he did, I think.

[867] Definitely.

[868] You're so sweet, too.

[869] No one can see you, unfortunately.

[870] But if there was a lineup of 100 people and I got to say five people I pick, that doesn't happen to, you're among them.

[871] I'm like, look at this sweet lady.

[872] Get her out of there.

[873] I don't want that to happen to her.

[874] That is one thing.

[875] I was like, I'm so glad that it happened to me on a date, so my kids weren't there to witness it or to have that happen to them or like a sweet little old person, you know?

[876] Like, that's on blood thinners.

[877] They would have.

[878] Oh, my God, they would have.

[879] Oh.

[880] And I did have to get a labiaplasty because of how things were sutured up.

[881] This is so serious.

[882] Wow, it is.

[883] This was, you said, 19.

[884] Oh, my God.

[885] Not an appropriate question, but here it comes.

[886] You're fine.

[887] How long before you were open for business again?

[888] Oh, yeah.

[889] That is a great question.

[890] PBD, TV, I mean, I wouldn't be.

[891] Let's see, 23 minus 19.

[892] Yeah, right.

[893] Four years, you need at least 14 years before you can get back on that saddle.

[894] I think it was four months.

[895] Wow, that's pretty good.

[896] Yeah, it really was just like, I just felt.

[897] bad for my husband you know oh i can't i know i know that's no it doesn't it doesn't i would feel bad for my wife if i couldn't have sex with her and she wanted to i think that's okay yeah i just got to push through at some point what i am delighted about is we've only listened to three cinema stories and two have already involved genitalia that to me is a good yeah yeah badding average really yeah yeah well i can't wait to hear what the other one well yeah when you put out the prompt for cinema you're not thinking genitalia is going to be the prevailing topic, but I did, but I thought it was going to be like two people having sex.

[898] Oh, I'd love to see that.

[899] But so far that has not been the case.

[900] Sadly.

[901] I thought for sure mine would be the only one that wasn't.

[902] Oh, well, yours was a doozy.

[903] It was so wonderful.

[904] I'm so sorry that happened.

[905] Yeah, me too.

[906] It's a cautionary tale.

[907] Now when you go into a movie theater, you're going to think.

[908] Be careful where you step.

[909] Look where you're stepping.

[910] Also a tale to any asshole who doesn't unrecline their chair.

[911] Exactly.

[912] Right.

[913] Like that dude needs to know.

[914] I fucked up my vagina for a year because you couldn't inconvenience yourself to fold your chair in.

[915] That's the price I paid for your fucking intolerance.

[916] Yeah.

[917] You have no idea how much I hope he listens to this and realizes that was probably that girl.

[918] I hope he gets a prolapsed anus.

[919] I think that's the only thing that would equal it.

[920] I don't think that would equal it.

[921] You're right.

[922] I'd rather of a prolapsed.

[923] He needs to get his dick chopped off.

[924] Oh, my God.

[925] Yeah, he needs a Lorena Bobbitt moment.

[926] Okay.

[927] What an incredible story.

[928] Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

[929] And feel better.

[930] I'm so sorry to your vagina from the bottom of my heart.

[931] She thanks you.

[932] From the bottom of our vaginas.

[933] To the top of your heart.

[934] Oh, my God.

[935] You're a party.

[936] That was wonderful.

[937] Thank you.

[938] Bye.

[939] Okay, bye.

[940] Wow.

[941] What a whopper.

[942] Wow.

[943] That you had a full out of body.

[944] Meltdown.

[945] You're like your skin was peeling off through a lot of them.

[946] You do.

[947] Okay.

[948] You know what?

[949] It reminds me of a little bit.

[950] I'll never be able to unhear, unsee when somebody's legs are up at the movie theater.

[951] Like, I'm going to be hyper aware.

[952] It's like in Garden State, the mom gets paralyzed because the dishwasher thing is down.

[953] The lid is down or whatever.

[954] What's it called?

[955] The door.

[956] Door, yeah.

[957] She trips on that and gets paralyzed.

[958] and now I'm so hyper aware of never having that open.

[959] Okay.

[960] All right.

[961] You got a lot of things to look for.

[962] Yeah.

[963] And in movie theaters, there's razor blades in all the seats and, like, people are, there's AIDS everywhere.

[964] Hearing all those, does it make you want to go to the movie theater or not want to go?

[965] Well, it just makes me nostalgic for the movie theater, but it's not making me want to run out to the movie theater, which is interesting.

[966] I want to.

[967] Okay.

[968] Have fun.

[969] Which goes to show the power of the cinema.

[970] because those were horrible stories.

[971] All right, well, that was fun.

[972] I adore you.

[973] It made me think I have so many more theater experiences that as people were talking, I was remembering.

[974] Yeah, I have a lot too.

[975] I've spent a lot of time in the movie theater in my life.

[976] And in junior high, that was our hang, six, seventh, and eighth grade, Milford Cinema.

[977] That was our hang.

[978] But we just hung out and front up.

[979] We didn't get tickets.

[980] You didn't go in.

[981] Except for bringing on coyote ugly.

[982] Everyone knows that story.

[983] I love you.

[984] I love you.

[985] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[986] something, I'm going to have a theme song.

[987] Oh, okay, great.

[988] We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

[989] We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of armchair, he's book, and some suggestions.

[990] On the fly a rhyme dish, on the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy.

[991] Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[992] listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

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