Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, my name is David Cross, and I feel envious about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[1] You're envious of me because I get to be your friend.
[2] I'm envious of myself for getting to be your friend.
[3] I got lost as well.
[4] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends I can tell that we are going to be friends Hello there Welcome to What was that?
[5] You don't like my hello there?
[6] No, it was just You were doing all these bits before Like picking up a phone And pretending you were talking to someone And then all of a sudden you got serious Here's the problem Here's the problem, and I'm explaining this Because we're using this open But I, I, don't you think we should, Gorley?
[7] This is a, yes, I do.
[8] Okay, so basically, they need to know we were screwing around, acting like fools.
[9] And then Matt said, okay, let's get going.
[10] And I suddenly switched from, I have an old -timey phone on my desk.
[11] And I was pretending, I was doing some stupid bit as I do.
[12] And then it was time to start our supposedly comedic podcast.
[13] But you said, let's get going.
[14] So I put the phone down, took one second, and just went, hello there.
[15] and you guys start laughing.
[16] And because, and you're right, it's so stupid.
[17] I'm not, you know, I'm not this respected figure that needs to say, and now the news.
[18] You know, of course, still, you know, it's absurd.
[19] Why did I go from doing stupid bits with you, with you guys that weren't being recorded?
[20] Yeah.
[21] Just being dumb.
[22] And Sona saying, I'm stupid.
[23] and me saying, yeah, well, idiot called, and it says it's you, whatever, whatever dumb stuff we're doing back and forth.
[24] Trying to hit me with whatever you had rolled up through the computer.
[25] Yeah, you were doing something weird.
[26] We're on Zoom, and I have a glasses case, and I was trying to jab you with it through Zoom.
[27] So all of this absolutely inane foolishness, and then Gorley says, not it's time to start the eye operation on the patient, which then it would make sense to like, okay, guys, settle down.
[28] Gorley, what you're saying is it's time to stop this foolishness to begin the foolishness.
[29] The actual bullshit dick around begins now.
[30] Yes, yeah.
[31] Stop this bullshit dick around and then I'm going to pull this lever.
[32] And so I said, okay, and then suddenly just change, when you did this tone of, hello there.
[33] And like, well, who's that guy?
[34] You become the full cronkite.
[35] Let's try again, we'll keep all this stuff, but just be yourself.
[36] Ready?
[37] Three, two, one.
[38] Well, stone is bad.
[39] What?
[40] What?
[41] I'm sorry.
[42] I thought you wanted me to be myself.
[43] No, why?
[44] We'll admit you're kind of...
[45] That wasn't creative at all.
[46] That was so bad.
[47] Oh, wait.
[48] You don't think it's creative, so you think I was just saying the truth.
[49] No, I respect your slams when they have some creativity behind it.
[50] When you're just like, Sonas bad.
[51] Here's why Picasso was great.
[52] Oh, come on.
[53] He was an incredible draftsman and incredible...
[54] Great man. But also, I didn't say that.
[55] able to, realistic, he could, he was, he was great at depicting, he could depict anything.
[56] He could draw the human hand beautifully, which is very difficult to do.
[57] He had studied anatomy, he knew what to do, but then he blew it up by going to the simple shapes, simple shapes, and that's what I just did.
[58] I've had my sophisticated sona slams, but like Picasso, it's now like 1917, and I'm deciding, I got to blow it up and do something that'll blow everyone's mind.
[59] and my new riff is Sona's bad.
[60] Oh, let's hear another one of these blown up Sona slams.
[61] That's my, that's my cubism.
[62] Oh, God, it's awful.
[63] Sona's unprofessional.
[64] There, you are.
[65] This is stupid.
[66] No, I don't like this.
[67] Cubism.
[68] Because it's true.
[69] It's not even like, it's like funny because it's like, yeah, I am unprofessional.
[70] State some more facts.
[71] Let's, yeah, I don't know.
[72] No, no, I just, this is my cubist period.
[73] And you guys say this is no good, just saying son is bad.
[74] But when they do put, and I believe this is artwork, what we're doing.
[75] Oh, no. Yes, 100 years from now, when people want to buy the digital snippet of me saying sewn is bad, it's going to be at Christy's auction house, it's going to be framed somehow.
[76] Don't ask me how.
[77] And it's going to be worth $35 million.
[78] Which will be about $350.
[79] I know.
[80] That was such an Austin Powers moment where Dr. Evil's like, and the ransom is $10 ,000.
[81] Dr. Evil, what?
[82] Oh, it's not 1968 anymore.
[83] All right.
[84] Well, anyway, I promise to become even less professional as we move forward.
[85] And these openings of the podcast will continue to deteriorate, but no more clowning around today.
[86] we've got to get to it.
[87] My guest today is an actor and comedian, you know, from the hilarious sketch comedy series, Mr. Show, and the Emmy Award winning series Arrested Development.
[88] Good God, I've seen every one of those episodes like five times.
[89] What a brilliant show.
[90] His new comedy special, David Cross, I'm from the future, is out now.
[91] I'm excited to chat with him today.
[92] David Cross, welcome.
[93] I want to be fair, this is your 12th podcast today.
[94] You are really fraught.
[95] You just came from Comedy Bang Bang, I believe.
[96] I did, and yeah, I've been running around.
[97] You just did the, we call it the Ackerman Waltz, and that takes it out of you.
[98] It does, and you, you know, you've got to be on top of, you've got to be a tip -top shape.
[99] Tip -top shape, yes.
[100] And all your improv skills have to be, your synapses have to be.
[101] Yeah, here you can relax.
[102] Trust me, this is the shady little glen in the woods where you can just hang out.
[103] have to be in top anything to be on this podcast.
[104] Oh, that's, that's fantastic.
[105] Can I fart?
[106] I'd rather you, just to let go.
[107] I'd rather you simulate it.
[108] Okay.
[109] Can I tell you, this is true, a thing that I, that you said long, long time ago, might have been the first time ever hung out with you.
[110] Maybe, maybe.
[111] You just stand up on my show in 90, you were early.
[112] This is before you had a, or you might have just gotten the talk show.
[113] This is before that.
[114] Where were you?
[115] And I can tell you a little bit more about this interview.
[116] I'm not exactly sure.
[117] We were either in New York or L .A. I know Janine was there and Bob was there.
[118] Janine Garoflo, Bob O'Donkirk.
[119] Yep, Bob O'Donkirk.
[120] And we were, there were probably, I'm going to say, at least eight people.
[121] And we were at a dinner.
[122] And you and I were sitting across from each other, much like we are currently.
[123] Yes.
[124] And eating delicious food as we are right now.
[125] Yes.
[126] And then you, whatever you got, whatever the thing was, I'm going to switch up the order of how I say this, because there's a, there's a dairy brand that is in my grocer's freezer.
[127] And it's a ridiculous name and it's called Cream O 'Land.
[128] And it's, you know, milk.
[129] Right, cream O 'Land Milk, yes.
[130] And I always, and I'm talking like once a week, we'll pop into my head because.
[131] because you were served something, and then you just took a bite, and you went, hmm, creamy.
[132] And it's the most innocuous thing, and it is stuck in my head.
[133] I'm sorry.
[134] And whenever I see Crabo land, I'll say, creamy.
[135] Creamy.
[136] That sounds like me, circa 1989, I'm going to guess.
[137] I don't think it was that early.
[138] I didn't know Bob until 90.
[139] Maybe it was pre -bye.
[140] I don't know.
[141] I think you had just got in the show, or it was.
[142] knew Bob Odenkirk, and obviously you and Bob come together for Mr. Show, which we're going to talk about, so many things to talk about, and so much comedy stuff to nerd out on.
[143] But you and I come from this same era of comedy.
[144] I distinctly remember being out here, and there was this L .A. period where I was through Bob meeting all these cool people.
[145] That's how I got to meet Janine Garoflo.
[146] I remember her hanging out once when Bob and I were shooting baskets.
[147] And if you've ever seen two guys that shouldn't be shooting baskets.
[148] It's me and Bob Odenkirk.
[149] And also we'd do bits the whole time we were shooting baskets.
[150] One of my bits was I was the Phantom and I would pull my shirt up over my head and be very pompous about home no one knows my identity while taking shots.
[151] And Bob, the straight man, would say, Phantom, if you took the shirt off, your shots would go in and I would braid him.
[152] We would do this.
[153] Janine was there saying, these people are idiots.
[154] Then he joins forces with you and you guys do, Mr. Show had such a clear comedy vision that, and you were very true to that comedy vision, and I've heard you talk about it before, but you talk about how a lot of us were influenced by Python, but you guys really wanted the show to have a very distinctive tone like Python, so that if anything happened on the show, no matter what order you saw the sketch or where you saw the sketch, you knew this is a Mr. Show sketch.
[155] Is that right?
[156] Yeah, yeah, amongst other things.
[157] We had certain um and bob was really more specific uh about that kind of stuff um and it was bob's idea to not have as i mean we did it a couple times but to try to avoid reoccurring characters right and that we wouldn't mention specific celebrities if there was a sketch about something that was very topical and it it would have been obvious if it was say like you know paris hilton or somebody of the time and is to not make it about Paris Hilton but about that idea and to to not name people who are who are you know current events yeah and I think that's helped keep it kind of you know not dated well I think that's my favorite stuff or the stuff that I've liked the most or I think the stuff that anything I've been involved in it's we call it evergreen comedy just because it's just silly and I find in general I gravitate towards that kind of comedy.
[158] That's what I like the most.
[159] Yeah, and Python did that too.
[160] I mean, Python might mention a certain minister that was a real person in the 70s that a 13 -year -old kid in Roswell, Georgia is going to have no concept of.
[161] But I understood the context.
[162] Right.
[163] I got the idea of what they were talking about.
[164] You know, I was so influenced by Python, and later on, all of us have had the chance to have these encounters with different pythons here and there.
[165] I always try and impart on them like, you guys were the atom bomb blast for a lot of us.
[166] You guys were the ones that, and I don't mean that they killed hundreds of thousands of people instantly.
[167] I mean.
[168] Over the years with radiation.
[169] Over the years with radiation, they did.
[170] And they started a brinksmanship between Russia and America that was really destructive.
[171] Other than that, I think what Python really did was they completely opened up this whole massive continent of comedic possibilities that the rest of us saw.
[172] And when you think about it, Python starts in.
[173] In 1969, and I thought 15 years later, America still hadn't come close to catching up.
[174] Because I was seeing Python in reruns when I was a young teenager, 14, 15, 16, and it was just completely changing my idea of comedy.
[175] And sometimes I just even, if I tried to write a sketch when I was very young, people had British accents in it.
[176] And it was just, I wrote one in particular, and I remember really clearly doing it.
[177] And people were saying, why is everyone speaking in a British accent?
[178] And I was like, whoa, the fuck, just do it.
[179] Yeah.
[180] Just don't be mean.
[181] Just do it like that.
[182] Because it beats a Boston accent any day.
[183] And all, and think about how when you're a kid and you're with like -minded kids, how many times did you, you know, were the knights who say neat and try to.
[184] And that was your like almost secret code with other comedy nerds, especially when you were around the jocks or whatever.
[185] And they didn't know what, why is that cracking this kid up?
[186] He keeps saying me or whatever the, you know.
[187] No, it was a secret way to let people know, oh, we are a small band of hobbits who've been banished to the forest.
[188] There are very few of us left.
[189] Most were killed by orcs.
[190] But this is how we'll let each other know that we're part of the tribe.
[191] We're part of the tribe.
[192] But one of the things that interests me is I know you come originally from the South, but then you make your way to Boston when you start doing comedy, doing stand -up.
[193] that is not always the most welcoming place for alternative or original comedy.
[194] Maybe it's changed a lot, but for a while there, that could be a, that can be a tough place to finally develop, to try and develop your kind of sensibility.
[195] Well, I got extremely lucky in the timing of that, and you're right.
[196] And I don't think the, you know, what's become known as alternative comedy didn't really kind of, there wasn't a term for it yet.
[197] Right.
[198] People back then just said, you're not funny.
[199] That's what we called it.
[200] Well, they go, you're not funny, faggot.
[201] What are you laughing?
[202] You know, there's a lot of...
[203] That was the 19...
[204] Yeah, that was 1986.
[205] It was tough, man. And so, yeah, so I got very, very lucky on the timing that the comedy boom, which was a real thing that was happening, really the kind of epicenter was...
[206] Boston was huge.
[207] It was between, when you think about New York, L .A., Boston and San Francisco, where I'd say for stand -up, where the kind of big places, Boston was the, you know, per capita had more places to do stand -up than those other three.
[208] And they needed bodies to go up on stage.
[209] They just needed to fill spots.
[210] And if it had been two years prior or three years post, I don't think I would have gotten the opportunities that, because I mean, they just, because I bombed a lot of times.
[211] And I was definitely a comics comic.
[212] I was still finding my voice.
[213] And I shouldn't say I bombed all the time.
[214] That's not true.
[215] But in certain venues when they need somebody to go up and fill 20 minutes at some cowboy bar in Methuen, you know, I'm not going to have the greatest set.
[216] Sometimes to thrive in that environment, you need to really be able to handle hecklers and people who aren't.
[217] And if you're spending a lot of time doing that, you might be developing the wrong muscle, which can be tricky, you know?
[218] I mean, famously, what I've always heard or sensed is that San Francisco was very welcoming comedically or traditionally was very welcoming for people that had offbeat ideas that they wanted to try on stage, almost as opposed to a Boston, which, you know, could be a much tougher environment.
[219] Yeah, but it toughens you up.
[220] You get a thicker skin, and that's an equally useful skill.
[221] Right, right.
[222] You know, to, if you go into something saying there's a fairly good chance, let's say a 65 % chance, I'm just going to have a awful, miserable set.
[223] You know, in order to keep doing that, you have to psychologically adjust, you know.
[224] So I think that was helpful.
[225] There's something like, you're like an R -A -F pilot.
[226] You know that it's 1940, the Germans are attacking in force.
[227] you're going up in your little spitfire, 80 % chance you don't come back.
[228] I don't know.
[229] It might heighten the senses a little bit, you know?
[230] Some great comedy came out of the RAF in 1940.
[231] Yeah, I mean, it's probably the best analogy you could make.
[232] I think so.
[233] That's your second war analogy.
[234] Oh, there's going to be more.
[235] Okay.
[236] If you think that's the only one I've got, hold on a second.
[237] I think if this comedy episode of the podcast is kind of a Gallipoli, if you will.
[238] Sure.
[239] You have a last stand.
[240] Yeah, fodder.
[241] We were just fodder.
[242] There's something that happens around this time where you're, I always think there are different phases.
[243] And I don't mean just for us, but what you just said about the timing, I think about this all the time, which is timing was essential for me. and luck, just dumb luck.
[244] Oh, sure.
[245] That goes without for me. Yeah, but just me coming along, you know, coming along at the time that I did, if I had shown up a few years earlier, I'd be measuring you for insoles somewhere.
[246] Do you know what I mean?
[247] But it just happened that this was a time when it was possible for me to maybe get into comedy and here we are all these years later.
[248] It's one of the most satisfying, things that can happen in one's life.
[249] Not only are you making, you know, lifelong friends and people you can work on projects with, but then you get to kind of do the same for others.
[250] You know, like I, anybody is in the position that I was in or you were in back then, and you can recognize it and you see some talent, you just sort of, you bring them in, you make an effort.
[251] I mean, Bob was extremely responsible for Tim and Eric.
[252] And their rise and getting them a show and look how many people they've influenced, you know.
[253] Right.
[254] And it's just a – I believe in what you just said unless they're very talented.
[255] And then I try and – it's called Kill them in the Crib.
[256] I try and take them out of the game very quickly before they can be a threat.
[257] I was saying this before, though.
[258] And tell me what you think, because I haven't thought it out completely.
[259] but the stand -up world, the comedy world to a larger extension, but the stand -up world is, I would say, probably the most supportive, creative community, more than, at least from what I understand, like visual artists and maybe playwrights and actors, certainly.
[260] I'm going to broaden that out to include improv.
[261] Yeah.
[262] Like, because I didn't come from stand -up.
[263] I came from improv and met people who.
[264] who were incredibly, hey, supportive.
[265] Yeah.
[266] I said, hey, you're good at this.
[267] You should try this now.
[268] You should do that and would push me and direct me. And also kind of give me some of the best advice that I ever had in terms of getting up in front of an audience.
[269] And help and help you get in front of an audience.
[270] And there's less like ego backstabbing, bitter recrimination type shit.
[271] That comes later.
[272] I started getting into that about a year ago.
[273] Yeah.
[274] How's it going?
[275] I have like a, I'm like Nixon.
[276] I have an enemy's list.
[277] You have a list, yeah.
[278] Who's next on the list?
[279] Oh, well, I keep putting people on the list and then people tell me they've died.
[280] They're already gone.
[281] You know, Regis was on my list.
[282] Like, I'm going to get him.
[283] And he never, he was only nothing but lovely to me. Yeah.
[284] But I just was like, oh, Regis.
[285] That's who you become.
[286] I'll get you.
[287] That's what this world has turned you into.
[288] I'm very paranoid.
[289] I was very paranoid about Regis for a long time.
[290] I want the listeners at home or in your car.
[291] wherever you are, to know that it is positively freezing in this room.
[292] And I appreciate it.
[293] Can I point something out?
[294] You are wearing not just a shirt, but you are wearing a lumberjack shirt over it.
[295] I've got a flannel, yeah.
[296] A flannel.
[297] I am wearing just a T -shirt.
[298] Because I wanted you to see my musculature as soon as I can...
[299] That's the Massachusetts in you.
[300] Yeah.
[301] Yeah, I want to show you what I'm fucking made of.
[302] But it is very cold in here.
[303] I don't know why.
[304] I think they're...
[305] Well, although there's meat stored in the corner.
[306] Oh, there you go.
[307] And a body.
[308] There's a body.
[309] Yeah.
[310] Oh, my God, it's Rhetes.
[311] For God to dispose of the body.
[312] How long has that been there?
[313] Well, three years.
[314] That's why the clothes he's wearing are out of fashion.
[315] No, you know, it's interesting to me, like there's, this is something that I think about when I think about the work that you've done.
[316] especially Mr. Show, and I want to talk about your stand -up special, I'm from the future, and your stand -up in general, which is somewhere along the line you learned to take incredible chances.
[317] I mean, you start your stand -up special, I'm from the future, and I don't want to give anything away.
[318] I will not give anything away.
[319] But you started with telling this story, and I won't give anything away, but I will say that I was watching it saying it is impossible the hole you're digging yourself with this very with this story I was watching it and I was thinking as a someone who does this for a living and has thought about comedy for such a long time I thought I don't know why he's doing this but there's no way he can get out of this hole it's he he's really digging a deep deep hole and you hear the audience get really quiet and I encourage you to to check this out but you dig an incredibly deep hole and then in one sentence you flip you flip everything around and it's very funny and everyone's with you and I was like okay shit all right that was that was frightening for me as a viewer I don't know how frightening it was for you performing it I was so delighted when I figured I was looking for a way to talk about that stuff and I don't want to talk too much about it because people haven't seen it.
[320] But I was looking for a way and I just couldn't find the end to that subject matter.
[321] And then I was literally at dinner with my wife and some friends.
[322] And then it just occurred to me. It was like, oh, I know what I'll do.
[323] I'll do this.
[324] And then, you know, I luckily I live in Brooklyn, which is very, and my fans are very forgiving.
[325] And so I was able to develop that fit.
[326] And really, it's about like, how far do I take this?
[327] And how, when is it too much and figuring out?
[328] But I can see how much you love.
[329] There's that.
[330] And again, we're talking about something that I don't want to get specific about because you need to check out the special.
[331] But there are many times in the special where you walk up to the line, you kind of stick a toe over the line.
[332] You pull it back a little bit, but then I can see you, you want to, if slightly encouraged, or even not, step a little more over the line and really play with that.
[333] And that's something to me that you don't develop.
[334] That's something that I'm guessing you had when you were 17 years old.
[335] Yeah, for sure.
[336] When I was first starting out and I was starting to get road work and I'd have to go to Augusta for a week.
[337] Corpus Christi or wherever, I always knew when I was going out and in those situations, I'd do my set, and then I'd come back and the headliner, if the headliner said something like, boy, kid, you got some balls, I knew he was going to suck.
[338] You know, like, I shouldn't say suck, but I knew what I could expect, you know.
[339] And I don't mean this to sound pompous or whatever, but it doesn't feel like, it doesn't feel to me like I'm taking the risk that it appears to others that I'm taking because I don't, it just, I guess I just don't think of it in terms, those terms.
[340] So there have been a few bits over the years where I would do it and I would get a little tense because I thought.
[341] maybe am I going to get beat up?
[342] Is somebody going to rush the stage?
[343] Somebody gets throw something.
[344] And there have been a handful of those, so I'm aware of the thing I'm doing.
[345] But for the most part, it's just, that's part of the fun and part of the joy of it.
[346] And look, an audience and several audiences in a row will let me know of like, okay, that's enough.
[347] That's too much.
[348] And if I can't justify it and defend it by.
[349] It's funny.
[350] Here's why it's funny.
[351] Here's why it works.
[352] Then I'll go, you know, you're right.
[353] That is too much.
[354] It's not.
[355] And it fucks up your set.
[356] It fucks up the whole, you know.
[357] So that, let's say an audience lets you know you've gone too far or that made us uncomfortable.
[358] It was too much.
[359] Do you carry that with you for a while or can you etch -a -sketched that pretty quickly by, can you shake it off, you know?
[360] Both, kind of.
[361] I mean, you have to shake.
[362] it off.
[363] But yes, you think about it and you, and look, there have been a, there have been a couple times where I was, you know, people came on stage.
[364] Like, I literally have been, especially with religious stuff more than anything else.
[365] For example, you being up front about your, you know, belief, your lack of belief.
[366] And making jokes.
[367] It's all in the context.
[368] You know, it's not a TED talk or anything.
[369] I mean, I'm doing, I'm trying my best to.
[370] I've been charged during Ted talks.
[371] I've had people come on stage, and it's been people like Sonia Sotomayor and Bill Gates that tackle me. Beat the shit out of me. Together.
[372] Together.
[373] They always attack together.
[374] They're very good.
[375] They're like ninja.
[376] They have a strategy.
[377] They flanked on the side.
[378] Yeah.
[379] I mean, it's, it's...
[380] Well, did anyone ever hit you?
[381] No. I had it at Stitches, the old stitches in Boston.
[382] This is how it got its name, by the way.
[383] Somebody threw one of those, like, thick glass ashtrays is back when they had smoking.
[384] This is how long ago.
[385] And it missed me, but, I mean, that thing would have really done some damage.
[386] And I had a guy, I was in Baton Rouge, and there was a bunch of, like, kind of frat type of guys, but a little doughier frat guys.
[387] And this guy stood up and he did the classic, you know, beating the palm into the...
[388] Palm into fist thing.
[389] I'll beat you, yeah.
[390] Yeah.
[391] And I was, I tried to make some joke.
[392] He's like, this is going to be you after the show.
[393] I'm going to be waiting for you.
[394] And, you know, you leave the stage and you run and you try to get protection.
[395] I've had over the years, I've had, I had a guy come up on stage.
[396] I was doing stuff about whatever, some Jesus stuff, whatever it was.
[397] And a guy came up on stage and there was a table with a pitcher of water.
[398] and he stared at me, and he poured the pitcher of water.
[399] I wish you could see this because part of it is a visual, but poured the pitcher water into the glass and then stared at me as he drank the water, which was supposed to be intimidating and kind of was.
[400] I will hydrate you, but also was the oddest, like what?
[401] That's so weird.
[402] It was very weird.
[403] You know, it's so funny, too, it's just like, this is you after the show, drinking a glass of water.
[404] And then after the show, he's in the alley and he's just like, you know, I just think it's important to hydrate.
[405] I worry.
[406] I was, I was speculating you was thirsty.
[407] It was such a strange thing because he stared at me, you know, and he knew he had, because believe me, I was, it was a mass exodus.
[408] people were not into the set.
[409] And he came on stage, and there's no security.
[410] This is a college.
[411] It was St. Louis University, which is a Jesuit school, which I didn't know until I was there.
[412] There's my question.
[413] Well, I'll get to my question in a second, but just so you know where I'm going, who's booking?
[414] Because it's so funny to me when people said, you know, we've got, we're a lovely group of Methodists, and we're going to have a dinner of grilled land.
[415] with mint sauce.
[416] Then we're going to have a prayer circle, and then we've hired a comedian to come in who doesn't believe in an afterlife and is hostile towards the concept of Jesus as the son of man. Hey, what the hell happened?
[417] I'm always stunned by that.
[418] I mean, it was a one -off college university gig, and those pay pretty well, and I was in New York, and, you know, it's fly out for it.
[419] They ask for you special.
[420] They, uh, and I, so I didn't know any of this at the time.
[421] And, you know, tell me about the school.
[422] The guy's driving, he's like, yeah, we're, you know, it's the oldest Jesuit school in the country, and it was founded and by Father Franciscan, you know, and I'm like, I'm sorry, it's a Jesuit school?
[423] Yeah.
[424] And then I said for, and I'm quote, I was like, have you seen my act?
[425] And the other kid, it was a girl, goes, you're the just super.
[426] me guy, right?
[427] No. They thought you were David Spade.
[428] No, no, sorry.
[429] I was on Just Shoot Me. I had done this running character that was, and I had this, there was a catchphrase, well, it became a thing called, it was Chick -Bot, Chick -Bot, Chip -Bop -Buy.
[430] And it was huge.
[431] And I got.
[432] They only knew that.
[433] They only knew that.
[434] They knew I'd done some other things, but they knew me as the Just Shoot Me guy.
[435] You're slow, Donnie from Just Shoot Me. That's the thing I was thought about, say, with, you know, recently past Bob Sagitt, is there some of people that thought America's Funniest Home Videos.
[436] And he's the dad on our favorite, you know, sitcom that we watched with our kids.
[437] Let's get him for the event.
[438] And, well, we all know.
[439] Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty.
[440] Dirty.
[441] A filthy man. But I don't know.
[442] I just, I'm always stunned when people will, I was somewhere and it was some snooty event and they had had, I don't know why I was there, but I was at some snooty event.
[443] The Metball, the Met Gala?
[444] Sure, yes, yes.
[445] I know you're a regular there.
[446] People were always want me at the Met Gala and I had, you know, wore my outfit and walked in and the crowd went crazy.
[447] Now, I was at some snooty event and it was sort of older blue.
[448] blood types and they were upset and I forget what I did I did whatever I did and they laughed and thought it was funny and then they were saying well I we had a very unpleasant time not long ago we had this gentleman kid rock and I said what and it would well someone someone knew someone who knew someone and they brought him in and he was you know and he was quite abusive I just my question is always who's booking it's my favorite thing in the world is hey it's a kid's party chill relax six year olds we got Rodney Dangerfield he'll be here in a minute and why why why where his eyes watering I don't know I'm just I find that to be one of life's great pleasures is just who's somewhere in the cosmos someone's playing a great joke on everybody.
[449] I mean, well, these people contacted somebody because they, I mean, you know, in the, they get that student, you know, they have the fund for, you know, they get three, four people a year.
[450] And I guess I was a cut rate.
[451] You know, I was brought in.
[452] Yeah, someone said, trust me, this is going to be good.
[453] They could afford it.
[454] I've seen him on a very fun sitcom that I watch with my parents.
[455] and he's going to be nice.
[456] And maybe he'll say that line over and over again for an hour.
[457] Yeah.
[458] That thing we loved.
[459] Well, it always reminds me of Man on the Moon, Jim Carrey portraying Eddie Kaufman.
[460] And he goes to the classic gig where his character, Stuck from Taxi, and he ends up getting angry, and he sits down.
[461] And he just reads Great Gatsby.
[462] Great Gatsby.
[463] I have Scott Fitzgerald, and he reads it page to page and leaves.
[464] And so there's that element.
[465] I know there's something when I saw the documentary about Andy Kaufman and wrestling.
[466] I had always liked Andy Kaufman, but when I saw the wrestling documentary where he's...
[467] I don't think I've seen that.
[468] Oh, my God.
[469] It's so incredible.
[470] What is it called?
[471] Where do I check that?
[472] I think he's called Andy Kaufman on wrestling.
[473] And what he does is it's just all the real footage of him traveling throughout the South, taunting people.
[474] Yeah.
[475] You know, he played intentionally the most awful, who would they most hate to see?
[476] Yeah, Hollywood.
[477] Yeah, and he would get in the ring and he would be a cut.
[478] He'd taunt his opponent.
[479] And then, of course, when his opponent came out of him, he'd run away.
[480] And then when the opponent was turned, he'd kick him.
[481] And then it'd say, if you touch me, I'll sue you.
[482] And then he'd go on and on about his Jewish lawyers in New York.
[483] Just think you could see people in the crowd losing their minds.
[484] Yeah, and that was 80s.
[485] That was early 80s, right?
[486] Late 70s?
[487] I think late 70s or 1980s.
[488] And then he went on, I think he went on, I mean, this is famous, people know about, but he goes on television at one point.
[489] He's holding up local television.
[490] He's like, hello, I'd like to show you something.
[491] Because he's somewhere in the deep south.
[492] Yeah.
[493] This is a bar of soap.
[494] Yeah.
[495] You might want to try it.
[496] And people came to that event to see him die.
[497] The best wrestling villain ever.
[498] Yeah.
[499] Because he really got under people's skin.
[500] Oh, yeah.
[501] And, of course, didn't mean any of it, but I just wanted to see, did I get this straight?
[502] Because I was looking at, there's a bunch of your influences that make sense to me, like Bill Hicks and Andy Kaufman.
[503] And then I, and Monty Python and Stephen Wright, obviously, and Richard Pryor.
[504] And then I saw Lou Costello.
[505] Is that the Lou Costello of Abin Costello?
[506] Yeah, in the sense that when I was young, my dad was pretty awful, but one of the best things he gave me was a love of comedy and he loved Laurel and Hardy and Evan Costello.
[507] And I really, really, for whatever reason, beyond Mark's brothers and Laurel, I really loved Abbott and Costello.
[508] And Lou Costello was just the funniest guy to me when I was, I mean, I'm talking like when I was 7, 8, 9, 10, whatever, and I would watch all the movies.
[509] And I, yeah, I wouldn't say he's necessarily an influence, but it was, it was an early love of that thing.
[510] Well, I like that you said that because like you, I grew up in an era where there wasn't television existed, but there wasn't enough content.
[511] So my dad, who was quite nice, but he, the similarity with your dad is that he also, it was important for, it was important that my dad, for my dad to show me this stuff.
[512] And he saw that I was interested and I knew that he was interested and it was a way for us to connect.
[513] And so he was very interested in showing me W .C. Fields, Mark's brothers, Charlie Chaplin.
[514] but it also was on TV a lot.
[515] They used to run that stuff.
[516] Yeah, yes.
[517] And now I would have to say to my son, I'm going to go and show you rather than watching all of the great things.
[518] I was going to ask, do you have that, do you desire that or do you have that connection with your kids?
[519] Yes.
[520] Yeah.
[521] Yeah, I do very much.
[522] I have an 18 -year -old daughter and I have a 16 -year -old son.
[523] And I love showing them stuff that I thought was really funny and having them like.
[524] And I'm just, that is just the best.
[525] When did you, at what age did you?
[526] And when I talk stuff, I'm just showing them all late night shows from the 90s.
[527] And they're like, Dad, it's not that good.
[528] And this clutch cargo's going on way too long.
[529] I'm like, you're going to watch it again.
[530] Dad, you had cheekbones.
[531] Shut up.
[532] What age did you start doing that?
[533] Pretty early.
[534] I think one of the things that I showed them that really made me happy is my dad used to take me to see.
[535] It was a big deal when a new Pink Panther, movie came along because I love Peter Sellers.
[536] And it was a big deal.
[537] We'd go and see it in the theater.
[538] And I would see my dad laugh until he was crying at Inspector Clouseau and the insanity of it.
[539] And how old are you at this point?
[540] I think I start seeing them when I'm 11, 12, 13.
[541] And so I remember showing my kids one.
[542] And it's tense because you think, if you tell your kids gather around, we're going to watch something, and you get them seated, and you show it and unveil it, and they're not having it.
[543] It's a total, it feels like you bombed on a massive stage somehow, because it's your kids, but they loved it and they wanted more, and we ended up watching all of them, and I felt like, this is great.
[544] Like, this is the circle of, to me, this is the circle of life.
[545] My dad shows me, the Marks Brothers, and I show my kids, night at the opera, and they love it, and wow, this is as good as it gets.
[546] Yeah, that's great.
[547] I'm looking forward to, we still have a couple years to go, but looking forward to introducing my daughter to that stuff.
[548] But you know what's interesting is like in our, I'm talking about an old man, but in our era, this stuff, you couldn't avoid it because local television.
[549] You're absolutely right.
[550] It's a completely different.
[551] Right.
[552] So now it's like a thing you have to choose to do, which is I want to show you, like it's their criterion collection.
[553] I want to show you horse feathers or I want to show you.
[554] They would not find it on their own.
[555] Right.
[556] They wouldn't find it on their own.
[557] And they'd say, like, well, wait a minute.
[558] If we can watch anything, you know, why don't we watch, you know, this latest, why don't we watch Dune?
[559] Or why don't we watch this thing that's the new glossy?
[560] And you have to make a real argument for, well, it's going to be in black and white.
[561] You're not going to understand some of it.
[562] But it's really fantastic.
[563] In our day, it was just what was on TV.
[564] And no one was presenting it to us.
[565] It was, look, it's this.
[566] Or you can watch the Catholic Mass. on the other channel.
[567] And I'm not watching that.
[568] There's a Western or there's this or, yeah, or there's the flag waving.
[569] I also think when you bring up Lou Costello, I think of Abbott and Costello, he was, Bud Abbott was the greatest straight man of all time.
[570] And really, what are you talking about?
[571] What did you do that to the man for?
[572] You know, he keeps the lines so tight between the two of them that I've always blown away by that.
[573] You probably know this, but you know that for years and years and years that the straight man was like 60 -40 was the cut.
[574] The straight man was the more valuable person in the act, which doesn't make sense when you think about it now.
[575] You know, you've got the straight man and then you've got the wacky person, but it was originally thought that, no, the straight man, it's Martin, then Dean, it's Dean Martin then Jerry Lewis.
[576] Yeah, nobody is, you know, nobody's watching, you know, Evan and Costello meet the werewolf for whatever because of Bud Abbott.
[577] Right.
[578] They're not, nobody.
[579] They're waiting for the set piece where Lou's going to fall down and get hit and all that stuff.
[580] Or get tapped on the shoulder and then realize it's Frankenstein and then do 20 minutes of being.
[581] And, yeah, you know, but I would say, I don't know, I always find it fascinating that, there's I can talk to someone like you and I just I never get over it like huh okay so you come from this unhappy experience in your youth right and um all this uh you could say like wow you've been placed as far from you you're not really given any leg up in any way but you have it in you you have that thing in you you search out all these different first of all as a kid you're finding on television, wherever you can find it, these people that make you laugh, you've probably finding yourself, there's something about this I like.
[582] You make your way to Boston, you keep at it, and then the next thing you know, at just the right time in the story, you're meeting Bob Odenkirk, you're meeting Ben Stiller, and then you're meeting more people, and then the next thing you know, you're part of this movement, and then there's Mr. Show, and then you're on a rest of development, and then you get to a point where people can cite things in your career, and you never know what thing they're going to cite because you've done about 85 different things, you know.
[583] And some of the most popular are things that I'm not even all that familiar with.
[584] Like, it really does depend on kind of age and ethnicity and cultural background.
[585] But, I mean, scary movie too.
[586] I still get that a lot.
[587] Oh, yeah.
[588] Lots and lots and lots.
[589] Yeah.
[590] And Alvin and the Chipmunks, you know.
[591] So people were kids when they watched it and now those kids are teenagers.
[592] Right, right.
[593] And the good thing is it opens them up to other stuff I've done.
[594] Like, you know, I'll run into some 17 -year -old who, like, never heard of Todd Margaret.
[595] And then because of this thing and that thing, they're like, oh, my God.
[596] But it, it, you said something that made me think that of kind of, it just comes full circle with the, you know, it's still, whether you're 13 and you're in a. weird kind of hostile environment and um and then you like we're talking about with python you find other people and it's uh and it's almost like a secret handshake and you know you're you find those people and you stick with them and all the way up through now with uh you know our individual successes and we still have lifelong friends that are have a secret code talk and we can talk about things that other people and the people that you mentioned at the stuffy place are not going to get.
[597] And you, if, you know, if you or if you were there and it was, you know, Bob or smigle or me or Janine or somebody, you would have these inside jokes that only we would get.
[598] Right.
[599] And that's been, I have to say, of everything, that's been the part that I have enjoyed the most.
[600] Yeah.
[601] It's the whole Robin Hood aspect of it, which is you make your way along.
[602] You start out as one person, you start to pick up people, and then you have your troop and, um...
[603] And in life, you know, not just in career in your life.
[604] No, I'm the only talking about career.
[605] Okay.
[606] I have no...
[607] You're good at separating the...
[608] I keep them very separate.
[609] Yeah.
[610] My wife understands.
[611] What are you, why are you calling me here?
[612] I told you never to call me here.
[613] Look, it's exclusive to being in comedy.
[614] You only want to talk to other people in comedy.
[615] and every now and then, my wife wants to have a conversation.
[616] And that doesn't go too well.
[617] My wife actually, she's started as like a joke, but she kind of means it when she's like, especially if I were out and I'm like with John Benjamin or somebody like that.
[618] And she's like, guys, no bits after 10.
[619] No, I'm serious, no bits after 10.
[620] I used to do so many bits so much.
[621] This is years ago, but with, Will Arnett because he can't be serious and I can't be serious.
[622] And you know the way they say certain times that know their famous killing duos like Leopold and Loeb or the people that committed those terrible in cold blood murders where they think none of them would have done these things individually but put them together and they create a unit that will kill everyone in the house.
[623] The problem I have is that when Will Arnette's around, he won't be real, I won't be real.
[624] and it's an evening of bits.
[625] And I remember years and years ago, back when they were newly married, Amy Poehler would see me show up at something that they were at, and she would come up preemptively and go like, guys.
[626] Yeah.
[627] Guys, just, okay, a few bits, and then that's, I think we're...
[628] And she would just in that very...
[629] I love Amy, but she's got this very common sense kind of like, you know, guys, okay, that's it.
[630] That's it.
[631] That's enough.
[632] We did it.
[633] You were, he was the colonel, and you were the private and, you know, he was the donkey and you were the guy that hits the don't.
[634] Good, that's enough.
[635] I'm calling it, you know, almost like she had a refus.
[636] It's tough on wives.
[637] It's tough on wives, whether they're in the business or not.
[638] Yeah, and children.
[639] And now, that's, yeah, I'm waiting for that.
[640] My kids are tired of it.
[641] I taught my kids early on something that made me really happy and they're really good at it and they'll do it to this day where I'll be leaving a building and it's something that I sort of taught them to do when they were like five and seven, but I'd be leaving a restaurant and I'd have them go out and there's nobody out there and I'd have them say no pictures, just everyone and there's no one there and it was this great way of...
[642] And their kids saying that.
[643] Yeah, and they're like...
[644] I remember my daughter being really good at she was like, I think she was six or seven and she'd be like, he's a person!
[645] He said, you know, get back.
[646] Conan, that's great.
[647] Did they know why it was funny how it was funny?
[648] Oh, no, no, they knew exactly why it was funny and it was great because it was...
[649] I would die if I saw it.
[650] No, no, it was so great because they're really funny kids and they got it, but also I was instructing them early that no one cares about your dad, which is a good, I mean, that's a really good lesson.
[651] Like, they know that they're a fans, they're people, but, but letting them know early on and instructing them that I am someone who should be mocked, I do think people should, it's healthy for kids to find their father somewhat ridiculous and silly.
[652] To a point.
[653] That's, I got to maintain the upper hand.
[654] Oh, wow.
[655] Yeah.
[656] Oh, Jesus.
[657] There's one thing I have to go back and say, have you ever, have you ever seen Will do his, I don't know how he'd describe it, but his super, Uber professional boom mic operator?
[658] I don't think I have.
[659] It's, this is Will Arnett being a holder of the, the long stick that has the mic.
[660] microphone at the end on movie sets, yeah.
[661] And it's something he started riffing when we were doing Todd Margaret.
[662] And, you know, it's just one of those things.
[663] I'll just request it.
[664] And it's just great.
[665] You'll have to ask him about it or have him do it.
[666] But he's got, you know, the guy has his boom mic is in his own really fancy carrying case.
[667] And he puts it together.
[668] Like he's a pool hustler.
[669] He's got like a beautiful case.
[670] Yeah.
[671] is really about him, you know, the whole.
[672] It's just, it's just really fun to watch.
[673] Just ask him to do it next time you see it.
[674] I'm going to see him in a couple days because we're getting married.
[675] Oh, fantastic.
[676] You'll be reading about it.
[677] It's going to be a big story.
[678] Well, let me make sure I mention, again, your stand -up special, which is out now.
[679] We're taping this in advance.
[680] What?
[681] Yeah.
[682] How does that work?
[683] Trust me. I could try to explain this to you.
[684] The title is really appropriate.
[685] The title is really appropriate.
[686] But David Cross, I'm From the Future, is a comedy special that is out right now.
[687] I should say that it's available on my website doing a different thing this time.
[688] Official davidcross .com.
[689] That's where you can go get it.
[690] Cool.
[691] All right.
[692] Well, check it out.
[693] And like I say, it is.
[694] very much about what we've all been going through the last two years and what people have been talking about.
[695] And there's a ton of really good work in there.
[696] So, thanks, man. It's fun to do.
[697] Yeah.
[698] And it also, you know, I've been away from an audience now for six months.
[699] And being an ass in front of an audience is something that I miss. So I'm going to probably just become like a strip club emcee or something.
[700] Oh, sure.
[701] Do all.
[702] You should MC, DJ, and be the stripper.
[703] That's right.
[704] Why stop there?
[705] Yeah.
[706] When do you see what I'm packing?
[707] Ooh.
[708] Talk about an audience clearing out.
[709] Hey, thank you so much for doing this.
[710] Oh, my pleasure.
[711] I really appreciate it.
[712] Absolutely.
[713] Very cool.
[714] For real.
[715] Okay.
[716] Well, this is something that happened to me yesterday.
[717] You know, I've been stuck at home because I'm sick.
[718] I have COVID.
[719] I'm okay.
[720] You have a very, you have the very mild.
[721] I have the mild.
[722] I'm vaccinated.
[723] So it didn't hit me that hard.
[724] But my husband and I - You have the Fisher -Price COVID.
[725] We have the Fisher -Price one.
[726] No, unfortunately, let me just be responsible.
[727] You've been fully vaccinated and then boosted.
[728] So you got COVID, but you've presented very mild, very mild symptoms.
[729] Very mild.
[730] You've still refused to really do any work.
[731] Oh, but anyway, go ahead.
[732] Sorry.
[733] Anyway.
[734] Me and Tack and our boys, we go for a walk every day.
[735] And yesterday, we're walking.
[736] And before I say this, you know, Conan, you know about my temper that I've tried really hard to...
[737] You have a hair trigger, temper.
[738] I've seen it in action.
[739] Yeah.
[740] When you get mad, you see red.
[741] And I've asked you to try and get under control because sometimes you're with me and you start to go off on somebody.
[742] And I'm like, Sona, I don't want to read about this tomorrow in the paper that Conan O 'Brien was seen with a Tasmanian devil.
[743] Yeah.
[744] So what happened?
[745] I'm curious.
[746] Okay.
[747] So it's been a long time since my temper has come out.
[748] But yesterday, some bitch is jogging with her dog on one of those waist leashes.
[749] So she's jogging and both her hands are free.
[750] And I'm walking my dog and we're with the boys and tax walking the boys.
[751] And she's jogging in the middle of the street on this cul -de -sac.
[752] So Oki goes towards her dog.
[753] Her dog comes towards my dog.
[754] And then she like swiveles because she's jogging.
[755] And she goes, lady, watch your dog and I go are you fucking serious and I go they're dogs and I tried to actually like held Oki back and then she just kept jogging I was like that's right keep jogging bitch and I turned towards tack and I was like what just happened to me like I was gonna I will I will tell you exactly this woman in the face I have been there for these instances with you when you completely lose it.
[756] And let me explain to people, Sona's a very polite, kind person most of the time.
[757] But when you lose it, it's immediate.
[758] Yeah.
[759] You've got your babies with you.
[760] Yes.
[761] You've got these six -month -old twins with you.
[762] And you want to throw down?
[763] I mean, what you're using is the language of a penitentiary.
[764] You want to pull out a shiv that you've fashioned in shop and that you've hidden in dark recesses of your body.
[765] and you want to pull that out and stab someone to death in that moment.
[766] I do.
[767] And, you know, luckily the boys were sleeping and they're six months old so they won't remember this.
[768] But I did.
[769] I yelled to this woman, keep running, bitch.
[770] But also...
[771] What if that's their first words?
[772] What if you're like, say mama, say dada, and your parents are there and everyone's gathered around and they're like, keep running, bitch.
[773] And then Charlie says that, and my kid goes, I keep running, bitch.
[774] And they teach each other how to correct it.
[775] And then it's just like, keep running, bitch.
[776] Then they harmonize, Keep running, bitch.
[777] Every time you put them down for a nap and then leave the room, you just hear, keep running, bitch.
[778] Yeah.
[779] Okay, there you go, guys.
[780] Nighty night.
[781] Have a good sleep.
[782] Mama loves you.
[783] Daddy loves you.
[784] Everybody loves you.
[785] And it'll just close a door.
[786] And yeah, keep running, bitch.
[787] I don't think you got the stones to be our mom.
[788] It's called a fucking dog, mom.
[789] I don't need your boobs We're getting our milk online From each other We just ordered some simulac Dehydrated milk What the hell Off Amazon So keep walking bitch And watch your goddamn dog We took a walk the other night And it was maybe 4 o 'clock And it was just barely starting to dim And this old woman jogged past us Doing that kind of walking jog, you know?
[790] and she just muttered to herself, not even to us, too dark to walk a baby.
[791] What do I mean?
[792] I've never heard of it's too dark to walk a baby.
[793] What does that even mean?
[794] I don't know, but I have to say, Sona, I understand it.
[795] The problem was I did that thing, and maybe Conan, you could relate with this, where also we were three houses from our house.
[796] And we got in the house and I went, wait, why didn't I yell at that lady, mind your own business?
[797] Instead, I just went, oh, you know?
[798] Yeah, well, that's you.
[799] I, when things like that would happen and my kids were really young, I would, I remember once throwing my daughter at the person.
[800] She was about four months old, but she had some, she had strong bones.
[801] Too dark to throw a baby.
[802] Yeah, I said it's too dark to walk a baby, but not too dark to throw a baby.
[803] Heave ho!
[804] Wow, that was.
[805] Catch this, grandma.
[806] Yeah.
[807] That's good, though.
[808] It's good to have restraint.
[809] Matt, I would have exploded and then I would have gone home and I would have been like, why did I do that?
[810] But I would regret it at the other side.
[811] Now I'm obsessed with that, too dark to walk a baby.
[812] What?
[813] I've never, I don't understand.
[814] I don't understand.
[815] I think everyone's losing their minds.
[816] And I will say I absolutely love our neighbors, but they saw us walking the baby at the same time too.
[817] And for Christmas they got us two of those like Caltrans reflector vests.
[818] It's not that dark.
[819] But that was fine.
[820] Wait a minute, I'm sorry, I'm on their side now.
[821] I assume when you told the story that you're walking a newborn at night that you're both wearing reflector vests and you have those lights on your head.
[822] Oh, no, we were in ninja suits.
[823] You were both dressed as people that put the scenery out in between scenes.
[824] Yes, black turtlenecks.
[825] Yeah, you were wearing black turtlenecks and...
[826] And your daughter has all black on too for no reason.
[827] She's a complete gilly suit, sniper camouflage.
[828] Yeah, yeah.
[829] Right.
[830] That's terrific.
[831] And also, I've never been in a fight before.
[832] I mean, I don't know why I even said that to her.
[833] Like, keep running.
[834] I mean, what was I going to do?
[835] Kicking in and you felt like a threat to your family.
[836] She had this before.
[837] Yeah.
[838] We were in many years ago.
[839] Sona and I were with a friend of hers, and we were in a very nice restaurant on the upper west side of Manhattan.
[840] Oh, I know that, Arby's.
[841] And I, yeah, and you know that place.
[842] There's only one left.
[843] Sona was being a little loud And there was a guy way over at the other end of the table And it was at the restaurant Just on the other side And he just kind of made a shh No Hold it He went shh And you went oh Really?
[844] And you stood up And you started to unload on this guy While I'm there in front of me And your friend was trying to restrain you Remember?
[845] You almost climbed across the table And tore this guy's face off Wow I And you know who the guy was?
[846] Who?
[847] Stephen Hawking.
[848] It was one of the great physicists of all times, Stephen Hawking.
[849] And he went, shh, please, please, it's upsetting.
[850] And she was like, oh, really?
[851] I've got ideas, too, about black holes.
[852] I'm going to carve one in your fucking forehead.
[853] I wasn't even shushing you.
[854] That was the sound of my machine.
[855] Sorry, I wasn't shushing you.
[856] That was my machine that helps keep me alive.
[857] so I can think of new ways to help humanity in my shortened lifespan.
[858] Oh, yeah, really?
[859] Remember that?
[860] And then you tried to wheel him out the door and security came?
[861] Yeah.
[862] Do you remember any of this?
[863] Yeah.
[864] You attacked him.
[865] You started hitting him with a baguette.
[866] You're right.
[867] I'm sorry.
[868] And then he ended up apologizing to you.
[869] I'm sorry if I upset you.
[870] Remember?
[871] Yeah.
[872] And then he said, wait a minute, I just had maybe my best idea yet.
[873] You went shut it.
[874] Yeah.
[875] And then you screamed at it.
[876] him for 10 minutes and then he went, I forgot my idea.
[877] He's being a dick.
[878] Well, there you have it.
[879] The story of the time that Sona on the Upper West Side attacked Stephen Hawke.
[880] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.
[881] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.
[882] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[883] Theme song by the White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy.
[884] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[885] Engineering by Will Beckton, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Khan.
[886] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.
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[891] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.