Armchair Anonymous: Stealing

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair to Anonymous, the juiciest of juicy shows.

[4] So secretive.

[5] This episode is the prompt.

[6] Tell us about a time you stole something.

[7] David has joined us too.

[8] Have you ever stolen anything?

[9] Surely.

[10] I legitimately have never stolen anything.

[11] Oh, my God.

[12] I know that's pathetic.

[13] Are you embarrassed by that?

[14] Absolutely.

[15] No. You lacked some bravery or something.

[16] I wish I'd stolen a little lolly or something or a candy or something in my life.

[17] Nothing.

[18] Yeah.

[19] I've stolen nothing.

[20] And if you stole one of those candies you brought us, no one even be bothered they were missing.

[21] They were not saying.

[22] They were so gross.

[23] You gave us a chaffa's and Whitakers.

[24] and they had the best candy and you turn your nose up at all of them Only the children have liked it Well and let's be clear Only one children liked it The one who does not have a discerning palette I mean one of them was a skittal So you bite into the hard crunchy shell You're like okay, I know what's coming next It's called a Jaffer Okay and it's got some And it's a delicious orange coating With delicious chocolate on the inside Yum yum yum Okay well you should have stolen And people would have thanked you for getting them off the shelves I'm teasing that's a great product everyone should buy as much zammers as possible what was it called zimmers jaffers jeffers jeffers okay no one sadly stole any jaffers in this episode but boy did they steal some interesting stuff one of them is an impossible caper you will hear i mean it becomes an international crisis i loved it it was so good so please enjoy armchared anonymous stealing got to know i'm gonna keep shining hey oh help rob make this work we're a square rob oh can you not hear me no we gotcha now we could hear you it's all rob's fault as you would totally imagine oh cool shirt thank you yeah a little golf polo nice to meet you joe dachs monaco now i'm gonna describe that you're a younger man are you 30 yet no in 27 boom okay how's 27 going for you because i remember Number 27 for me being fucking apex.

[25] It's pretty great, actually.

[26] As I'm getting to late 20s, I think it's just only getting better.

[27] Uh -huh.

[28] How the hormones start leveling off.

[29] You've got your foot in the door places.

[30] It starts happening.

[31] Yeah, yeah, totally agree.

[32] Okay, so you have a stealing story for us.

[33] I can't wait, because I've stolen some stuff.

[34] I've been a part of cons, I guess you'd call it.

[35] I mean, I'm not a great guy in the past.

[36] No judgment.

[37] No judgment.

[38] Okay, it requires a brief preamble to contextualize the events, But everyone kind of has a couple of things in their life that keep them up at night, whether it's embarrassing or shameful.

[39] And for me, it's this.

[40] I grew up in a family that we weren't exactly poor, but we just didn't really have all that much money for discretionary spending.

[41] And we had food and clothes that every now and again, the power would be off for a day because, you know, didn't get paid until Friday or something like that.

[42] So I really wanted a smartphone.

[43] I had a normal flip phone, had asked my parents a bunch of times for a smartphone.

[44] And it was a no -go, just wasn't in the budget.

[45] So in hindsight, I kind of know how ridiculous it sounds, but I was 14 years old at the time and I would, you know, do anything to have a smartphone.

[46] Joe, we're not going to judge you and I'm going to beg you not to judge yourself.

[47] You wanted a smartphone.

[48] Of course.

[49] Let's leave it at that.

[50] Why wouldn't you?

[51] Every fucking human wants a smartphone.

[52] Absolutely.

[53] Yeah, you're not wrong.

[54] I was on the water polo team in high school and we kind of won our way to the state championships, which were held in Ransom Everglades High School in Miami, if you know where that is.

[55] Super, super wealthy school.

[56] So we traveled to Miami and I make it to the school and the state tournaments going on and all that.

[57] And there's some other teams playing their matches.

[58] Well, my friend Robbie and I were roaming the school at this point.

[59] So we end up in the locker room and it's just me and Robbie and some other kid who's, I guess, on the Ransom Everglades team.

[60] And I noticed he pulls out his phone and his wallet and his keys.

[61] And he puts it in a locker.

[62] He throws a padlock on it and he kind of walks out.

[63] And in that moment, I think I did a good bit of mental gymnastics and somehow rationalized that this was my chance to get a smartphone.

[64] If I'm you, all it requires for me at that point is to assess that this kid has everything and his parents will replace it.

[65] This is a victimless crime.

[66] This is how I walk over that hurdle for me. It's exactly what it was.

[67] I figured he goes to this school that's however many tens of thousand dollars a semester and he'd probably go home and just replace it, whereas I would probably never get one otherwise.

[68] So at the time, that made sense to me. That math added up.

[69] And really quick, we don't know.

[70] Maybe he's a scholarship kid.

[71] Yeah.

[72] Yeah, you never know.

[73] Okay, I'm with you.

[74] But he had a smartphone.

[75] He did.

[76] And a wallet.

[77] Oh, okay.

[78] That's true.

[79] Okay.

[80] So the lock was.

[81] one of those just normal master locks that everyone uses in locker rooms.

[82] And the way the lockers worked, I was able to kind of hold it in my palm and leverage it against the little metal holes that you put it in through the locker.

[83] So I pushed as hard as I could and it finally broke.

[84] And in the process of breaking it, though, I kind of had a little bit too much momentum.

[85] And as I was pushing through it, the jagged edge of it, cut my wrist open vertically.

[86] Oh, God.

[87] I think I just, do you still have a scar?

[88] I have a scar permanently on my wrist right Oh my god.

[89] Wow.

[90] So I'm standing there in the locker room and I'm bleeding from my wrist and I open the lockers because the lock's now broken off of it.

[91] And inside there's keys to a rangeover, I'll say, so I don't think he was a scholarship kid.

[92] Good data point.

[93] Yeah.

[94] I'd rationalize stealing the phone, but I wasn't going to touch the wallet or the keys.

[95] So I just left those there.

[96] So I guess I have that little bit going for me. So I kind of pocketed the phone and my friend Robbie and I left the locker room to go sit in the bleachers and watch the games that were going on.

[97] And as soon as we got there, I used a thumb tag.

[98] that I took out of my backpack and kind of pop the SIM card out of it and stuff that in the bleachers.

[99] So I'm sitting there in a crazy paranoid and I'm starting to think that I might have made a mistake.

[100] And I was deciding whether it'd be worth it to risk it to go back to the locker room and return the phone or if I should just leave it somewhere.

[101] Yes.

[102] When I noticed that there's a group of guys going around and the bleachers with the guy that I had stolen it from in their little group and they got to where I was.

[103] And I remember seeing kind of like a flicker of recognition in his eyes, I guess, when he saw me, it was like, okay, this kid, it was the only one in the locker room.

[104] I left for 20 minutes.

[105] I came back to a bloody crime scene, and here he is, bleeding from his arm.

[106] Oh, my God.

[107] Oh, my God.

[108] Oh, my God.

[109] Oh, my God.

[110] But somehow, he didn't put two and two together because he asked me if I'd seen his phone, and I was like, no, I haven't seen it.

[111] And he just kept going.

[112] Oh, wow.

[113] Oh, my God.

[114] You were interrogated by the victim.

[115] I was, yeah, very briefly.

[116] We lost our first game.

[117] It was an absolute blowout, which was probably karma for what I did.

[118] And I'd play the whole game with my arm bandaged up and just bleeding everywhere.

[119] And my paranoia had kind of been growing this entire time.

[120] and I had brought the phone home with me, my backpack.

[121] I didn't want to use it just yet because I didn't have any explanation for where it came from, for my parents and friends and all that.

[122] So I wrapped it in tinfoil because I convinced myself that they were tracking it, which at the time in like 2012, I don't know if they even could.

[123] But I was sure they were, and I was sure they were going to kick down my door and come in the windows and come arrest me. Yes, yes, yes.

[124] But eventually, so I took it out of the drawer, through my sin and it, started using it.

[125] I used it, I think, probably for like two or three years.

[126] Wow.

[127] It's the one thing I think that's kept me up and it's really bothered me over the years.

[128] And it's just something that if I could go back and change, I would.

[129] But, I mean, this podcast has a huge audience.

[130] And if the guy's out there and says, I got my phone stolen in 2012 at a water pole tournament in Florida, hopefully get in contact with them.

[131] I'll give him some money and maybe get that off my conscience.

[132] Okay.

[133] You're so sweet.

[134] I relate to you so much, Joe.

[135] I had stole this Walkman.

[136] My brother was stealing a Walkman.

[137] So I did two.

[138] He was five years older.

[139] And he got busted and I didn't.

[140] And then I walked away.

[141] And same as you.

[142] In stealing it?

[143] No problem.

[144] it's fucking Sears.

[145] I don't care about Sears.

[146] And then once I got away with it, I was like, I want to basically take this back.

[147] So my version of take it back is I'm going to leave it on this bench.

[148] And I like immediately left this really expensive Walkman on a bench.

[149] Somebody found a Walkman that day.

[150] And a couple different times when I was younger and I stole stuff, I immediately got rid of it.

[151] It's the weird roller coaster of your chemicals of like the adrenaline to steal it.

[152] Your brain's working one way.

[153] And then the second that subsubes, Besides, this huge remorse and guilt comes in, right?

[154] It's so powerful.

[155] How could you be the same person in the span of 25 minutes?

[156] Yeah.

[157] No, I think it's easier to rationalize it in the moment.

[158] Well, here's this thing.

[159] I want it.

[160] Here's an opportunity to get it.

[161] And then 20 minutes later, you're like, what did I just do?

[162] Yeah.

[163] Yeah, I have it.

[164] Now, how much do I want this?

[165] I mean, there's so much going on.

[166] Some people do not have that second and third thought, and that separates you guys from sociopaths.

[167] I'm still on the fence about you being a sociopath.

[168] No, I know that.

[169] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[170] A lot of America is.

[171] Well, I think Joe's in the clear.

[172] Yeah, Joe's weak.

[173] The other thing that reminds me is, God damn it, I don't know if I'm going to admit this out loud, or I don't know if I'm going to keep it.

[174] Say it.

[175] My therapist said, am I the only person that really knows about this?

[176] And I said, yeah, except for the other three people.

[177] So I'm not a perfect driver.

[178] I rear -ended somebody when I was 18 on a road trip in someone else's car.

[179] So I was like, to their parents, here's $400 for the deductible.

[180] I didn't have much money, but whatever.

[181] I'm like, you're deductible.

[182] be that.

[183] That's how it works in California.

[184] So they had to pay for the whole thing and then the other person's car.

[185] That's been driving me nuts.

[186] I'm 47th for 29 years.

[187] I just literally three months to go track down the person from 29 years ago and sent them a check.

[188] Uh -uh.

[189] Uh -huh.

[190] Yeah, yeah.

[191] Aw.

[192] It was an accident.

[193] But I thought about it.

[194] Just like you, Joe.

[195] I thought about it.

[196] I'd be laying in bed randomly.

[197] I'd be like, oh, God, that poor girl.

[198] And her poor parents.

[199] I doubt they could just fucking pay for that.

[200] No big whoop or whatever.

[201] If the rates went up.

[202] I carried it, carried it, carried it.

[203] And And then, yeah, I wrote this check.

[204] And now I'm literally free of it.

[205] So I pray there's some resolution through us.

[206] But I do think minimally just you saying out loud, I regret that.

[207] And I'm sorry.

[208] I hope it's liberating to you.

[209] Yeah, it is.

[210] I think the only person I've told that story to is my girlfriend and not even my, you know, close friends and family.

[211] I don't know that they would judge me all that much.

[212] But it's just something that you don't want someone's opinion to change of you from one event like that.

[213] We all do stupid stuff.

[214] You were 14?

[215] Yeah.

[216] What 14 year old doesn't?

[217] Although that was only 13 years ago for him.

[218] Yeah, still.

[219] I really relate to growing up and people have shit and I don't.

[220] And this weird sense of injustice that's happening, as if we're all entitled to stuff.

[221] But I certainly when I was young thought, well, this just isn't just.

[222] These people have all this stuff and I don't.

[223] And so if it's unjust to begin with, I don't feel terrible about being amoral or immoral and right -sizing the scale.

[224] It's wrong now.

[225] But, I mean, I relate to that part as well.

[226] The justification.

[227] Yeah, I definitely agree.

[228] You know, I got some use out of it.

[229] I used it for a couple years.

[230] So it would have been, I think, even worse, if I was like, actually, I don't like this phone and just threw it out or something.

[231] Or what if it led into one of those famous trade -up stories where now you had somehow came across a thousand bitcoins six years ago and now you're a billionaire all based on that phone.

[232] Oh, my God.

[233] That's cool.

[234] That's a cool story.

[235] Unfortunately, not the way it worked out.

[236] Well, Joe, you're staying laser points consistent with all the armchairs we've talked to so far.

[237] You're super articulate.

[238] You're bright.

[239] You're really cute.

[240] My God.

[241] Very adorable.

[242] I'm happy for your girlfriend.

[243] She hit the lottery.

[244] Yeah, she got a cute, honest partner.

[245] That's awesome.

[246] Thank you very much.

[247] She introduced me to the podcast.

[248] She's obsessed with the Africa Toto video.

[249] That was the first time other than outside of movies that I'd seen you and introduced me to the podcast, but an avid listener since.

[250] Oh, that makes us so happy.

[251] Thanks for sharing that story with us.

[252] And again, if we somehow, through email, figure out who this victim is, this range rover driving wallet carrying victim.

[253] Also, I guess he was two years older than you if he was driving.

[254] So you're a You're also bold.

[255] You could have got your ass kicked.

[256] Yeah.

[257] Yeah, I'm lucky I didn't.

[258] I bet he's a good person, too, and he's like, eh, who cares?

[259] I had a lot.

[260] Yeah.

[261] Maybe he'll send you some money.

[262] We don't know how this is going to turn out, Joe.

[263] Please keep us posted.

[264] Yeah, yeah, I will.

[265] What's your girlfriend's name?

[266] Megan.

[267] Megan, hello.

[268] Thank you for listening.

[269] Thank you for turning Joe on to the show.

[270] Super delight talking to you.

[271] It was nice to meet you, brother.

[272] It was nice to meet you as well.

[273] You guys have a good one.

[274] All right.

[275] Bye.

[276] If anyone wants to steal from me, They can.

[277] Okay.

[278] Well, to what end?

[279] Like sunglasses and stuff, they can steal.

[280] Yeah.

[281] I don't want them to make me feel scared.

[282] Don't break in.

[283] Yeah, as gnarly as it is that I've stolen.

[284] I will say I've had a great attitude when I've been robbed, which has been a bunch of times.

[285] I've had a motorcycle stolen, a car stolen.

[286] I've had my house broken into three times.

[287] Except for the last one when they trashed the house.

[288] But that was like a different thing.

[289] Wasn't that you stole for me?

[290] It's like, don't fucking disrespect my space.

[291] But in general, I've been like, like yeah people take stuff i took some stuff it all comes out in the wash i can't wait till someone pop up who we know who it's about us like someone stole from us that would be good also when are we going to pop up and it's a weird perverted man masturbating because that's coming oh hi how's it did you catch any of that i caught a little bit of it yeah this is great bonnie do we use your real name or an alias we can just use my real name it is what it is We're using our real names.

[292] I've stole a lot of stuff.

[293] I hate to say.

[294] It's bad.

[295] It's bad.

[296] Yeah, you know, it's not my finest moment, but I think it makes for a good story.

[297] Okay, but Bonnie, before we jump into the deep end, I look at your environment and I think of Monica.

[298] Gorgeous.

[299] I love it.

[300] I love what's happening.

[301] Thank you so much.

[302] Very sleek.

[303] Walk people through it.

[304] Is there a hat hanging?

[305] There's a couple hats.

[306] And a plant.

[307] This is virtually your bedroom right here.

[308] I know.

[309] This is the sign of someone who cares.

[310] about aesthetics.

[311] Well, this is like the nicest compliment you guys could give me. Now how much, and be honest, Bonnie, how much did you hem and haw about this background?

[312] Like, if I were you, I would have made sure that bed spread was taught like seven, nine times.

[313] So I actually didn't touch the bed.

[314] I'm like kind of an OCD bedmaker, but I did position the camera a little bit so that we had this background.

[315] I was going to be in my living room, but the lighting's better in here, so.

[316] It's gorgeous.

[317] You look beautiful right now.

[318] Oh, thank you.

[319] Radiant.

[320] Also, Fun necklace accoutrema, right?

[321] Monica, that would be a good.

[322] We'd call those just regular necklaces.

[323] Everyday necklaces.

[324] But isn't that a story?

[325] It is a story.

[326] There's multiple necklaces.

[327] Good job.

[328] Thank you.

[329] Thank you.

[330] Thank you.

[331] I have a ring story as well.

[332] Oh my God, you're a storyteller.

[333] You're an author.

[334] Okay, hit us with your stealing story.

[335] Okay, so this is kind of funny.

[336] I feel like it's a little mixed messages because I don't know how Dax is going to feel.

[337] I know you're not very judgmental and like you said, you've stolen some things in your life, but this is a crossover with your anthropology background.

[338] So I went to Belize, my senior year of college.

[339] And we were teaching in the local schools, but also doing fun touristy type things as well.

[340] So we went to this archaeology site.

[341] It was a Mayan ruin.

[342] It was a tourist attraction.

[343] It had an info center and a gift shop, but it was also an archaeology site because they were still excavating it.

[344] So I'm like in this little gift shop, Hold on in a second.

[345] Hold on a second.

[346] I mean, we know where this is going, and it's antiquities.

[347] This is the theft of antiquities.

[348] I'm so for this.

[349] Okay, okay, okay.

[350] I just, I can't believe how already exciting this is.

[351] Yes, you get where I'm going.

[352] So I'm in this gift shop, and I'm talking to the caretaker, and I'm looking around at all these little display cases, and it's filled with these little ceramic figurines.

[353] And I'm chatting with them, and he's like, oh, yeah, this place is known for having a ton of these.

[354] It used to be a marketplace back in the day.

[355] So people still find them from time to the time.

[356] Our gardener just raked one up a couple weeks ago.

[357] So from that point on, I was in.

[358] I was finding an antiquity.

[359] My whole thing was I was going out there.

[360] I was not even taking in the sites of the beautiful Mayan structures.

[361] I was just like out there shuffling my feet and looking for anything that was that same kind of like terracotta color that I had been in the gift shop.

[362] Can I ask some details about it?

[363] Was it like pottery?

[364] Was it clay originally and it had been fired?

[365] it was somehow earthenware?

[366] It wasn't like chiseled out of stone or anything.

[367] No, it was fired ceramic clay.

[368] I'm out there and I'm looking, but I'm like, oh, I'm never going to find something.

[369] And it's like getting down to it.

[370] We're leaving in a couple minutes.

[371] And I looked down and I saw the exact color stone that I had seen in the gift shop.

[372] So I bent over and I picked it up.

[373] And sure enough, it was half of this little ceramic carving.

[374] And I was like, oh my God, so excited.

[375] I had no chill.

[376] I I started telling everyone I was with, like, I found one.

[377] Everyone knew it was my mission, right?

[378] I was with 10 people and everyone's like, what are you going to do?

[379] And in the heat of the moment, I'm like, well, I have to keep it.

[380] Finders keepers.

[381] Yeah, exactly.

[382] So I was the senior in college.

[383] So I think I was 20, 122 at the time.

[384] I wasn't the most worldly person or I didn't really know the full ramifications of what I was doing at the time.

[385] And so I took it and I got in the bus and guilt immediately set in.

[386] Wait.

[387] The high was over.

[388] You know those dope.

[389] about the search, the hunt.

[390] We're going to get into it.

[391] Okay.

[392] There is a good explanation.

[393] Okay.

[394] You're asking, why do you even feel bad?

[395] Yeah, you found it.

[396] There's a very deep history of white people going to all these places all over the world and stealing the cultural remains of civilizations and people that are still there.

[397] It's about as emblematic of colonialism as you can get.

[398] Okay, but I'm not a white person, so I can say that it would either have gone to your house or gone in that gift shop.

[399] Well, now's where it gets tricky.

[400] You're right.

[401] That's part of the nuance of this.

[402] So I mean, it's being sold to white people anyways.

[403] Exactly.

[404] Someone might argue, now you've denied this local, this native person of the $20 that could have fed their family, minimally you can give some money of the people that live there.

[405] That would be the next stage of the argument.

[406] person working at the gift shop?

[407] To be fair, I think they were selling replicas of the artifacts, but not actually selling the artifacts.

[408] I don't think that you could sell those.

[409] Those were just on display.

[410] I think what the caretaker did was he made molds and made replicas of the ancient artifacts.

[411] They were whistles.

[412] So I have this little rock.

[413] I'm going to call it a rock because it's kind of what it looks like.

[414] I have this little rock and I'm so excited.

[415] But I'm on this bus.

[416] And Belize is definitely still a developing name.

[417] So transportation is a little spotty.

[418] It's the last day of the trip, and we were two hours away from where we were staying.

[419] So I get back to where I'm staying.

[420] And I email my dad because he's a huge history nerd in general.

[421] And I grew up just always looking for arrowheads and stuff with him.

[422] So I was like, my dad's going to be so stoked.

[423] I found this thing.

[424] Like, I can't we need to tell him.

[425] And so I email him.

[426] And he's like, oh, Bond.

[427] Like, you really shouldn't come home with that.

[428] And take what he theft is a really hot topic right now.

[429] I would just hate for someone to make an example of you.

[430] Please do not cross customs with that.

[431] And he's really wise, right?

[432] He, like, listens to all these books on tape about Egypt.

[433] And this was back in 2013.

[434] So I think a lot was going on in the news about returning artifacts to ancient Egypt.

[435] And so it was also just real bad timing.

[436] Yeah, Germany in particular had accumulated tons of artifacts from around the world in their plunder of all these places.

[437] I think also bone apart Napoleon.

[438] Someone stole the nose off the sphinx or something.

[439] So what's kind of crazy is this particular site that I was at is actually known for this famous stolen antiquity.

[440] There's these famous crystal skulls that were chiseled out of quartz.

[441] Is this sounding familiar at all?

[442] No, but that's...

[443] I want that.

[444] That's like Indiana Jones.

[445] It's like the Jade mask.

[446] It's perhaps a myth, but there's these seven quartz skulls that have been found in different locations, and there's no chisel marks on them.

[447] So it's kind of a wonder of like how they came to be.

[448] One was found in this location.

[449] Found.

[450] I mean, there's no real evidence of it.

[451] But found in this location and then stolen from this location.

[452] And so it's this famous antiquity theft.

[453] It already has a lot of lure around it, right?

[454] Sure.

[455] So my dad sent that email and then I'm like really worked up because I was already feeling guilty and I was like, oh my gosh, my dad is right.

[456] And everyone I'm with is like, well, you've already done the thing.

[457] Like you've already taken it from where you've.

[458] found it.

[459] It's not at the site anymore.

[460] There's no way for you to get back there.

[461] Just go through with it, basically.

[462] So I'm like in a panic.

[463] We're supposed to be enjoying our last night.

[464] I'm like at a teaky bar, but I've worked myself up into a fever over this thing.

[465] So my friend's like, all right, I'll take it for you and I'll give it back to you and get back to the States.

[466] Just shut up about it, basically.

[467] He's like, you're ruining everyone's time.

[468] So we do just that.

[469] He takes it.

[470] He wraps it up, puts in a suitcase.

[471] We get through custom.

[472] We're like making jokes along the way, what we would player on our customs form.

[473] One ancient relic, priceless.

[474] Just being so stupid about it.

[475] We get back, he gives it to me all as well.

[476] We go on our merry ways.

[477] So then everything's fine.

[478] I have it.

[479] We're closing in on the end of my senior year and I'm not thinking anything of it.

[480] Me and my roommates are closing on Snapchat with it, just being filled with this artifact I have.

[481] And then the person that took it back in his suitcase went out for drinks with other people we were on the trip with that didn't know.

[482] So this was like a mix of undergrad graduate and then professors on the trip as well.

[483] He told one of the professors when they were out for drinks about it.

[484] And he was like, ah, you know, we're going to this country to build relations.

[485] It's not a good look for us to be pillaging their ancient history.

[486] We need to get that back to Belize.

[487] So he starts an email thread with a lot of people.

[488] And I'm not on it.

[489] But apparently the chair of the Board of Education for my university was on that email thread.

[490] So they're like, okay, this is a really big deal.

[491] Oh, boy.

[492] That university was trying to be extremely politically correct about it just because of everything that was going on at the time and, yeah, not a good look.

[493] They're imagining the headline.

[494] And it's a damning headline.

[495] My school was not about it.

[496] They were not stoked about this at all.

[497] They were having council meetings where probably a bunch of white men were getting together and discussing the fate of this thing.

[498] We get called into a meeting and my accomplice loose lips has the meeting before me. Yeah, he's really sweet, though, and I feel bad.

[499] I don't want to blame him for this because he did help me out.

[500] But his meeting is before my meeting.

[501] And I'm like, Dad, I have this meeting.

[502] And he's like, okay, well, just give me a slap on the wrist.

[503] Bring it with you.

[504] Give it back.

[505] Profusely apologize and let's keep it moving.

[506] You're a week away from graduation.

[507] Let's not make this any harder than it needs to be.

[508] And I'm like, okay, yeah, I'm going to do that.

[509] So I bring it with me and I'm in the waiting room outside the office and he leaves and he's in tears and he won't make eye contact with me. And so I'm like, this isn't going to go well.

[510] I mean, come on.

[511] So I go into this meeting and I meet the chair of the board of education for my university.

[512] He sits me down and there's paperwork everywhere and there's another woman in the room and he introduces me to her and he's like, I just want you to know, this is my legal witness.

[513] that is here to observe this conversation just so she knows that I've presented you with all the information.

[514] And I'm like, oh, crap.

[515] Do I need a lawyer?

[516] Yes.

[517] Yes.

[518] So he has all this paperwork out.

[519] And he's like, I just want you to know that you're facing a $10 ,000 fine and up to five years in Belizee in jail for the crime you have committed.

[520] This is not a slap on the wrist dad.

[521] This is big time.

[522] So I'm just crying and he's telling me how serious, the crime is that I've committed.

[523] And he's like, but the most important thing is that we preserve the artifact.

[524] So where is it?

[525] And I'm like, it's in my North Face pocket.

[526] I unzip my pocket and pull it out and it has lint and cracker crumbs on it.

[527] So I'm pulling it on, like handing it over to him.

[528] And he's like, interesting.

[529] Okay, I'll give this to the archaeology department.

[530] So he takes it from me and he's like, all right, we don't know what we're going to do, what sort of legal action we're going to take what sort of academic sanctions.

[531] Just know that your degree is on hold right now.

[532] He's like, you have an incomplete in the course without the two credits that the course was.

[533] You can't graduate.

[534] We need to figure out how you can complete the course if you'll be able to graduate and get your degree from our university and we might be seeking legal repercussions as well.

[535] So I call my dad and he's like, oh, well, sounds like we're going to need a lawyer.

[536] This is so out of control.

[537] It's insane.

[538] This is what I'm saying.

[539] This is so dumb.

[540] This is ridiculous.

[541] Now I'm really defensive of you.

[542] Me too.

[543] Okay.

[544] What if she had pulled it out and that Dean said, oh, fuck, that's what we're doing all this is about?

[545] What if in his mind he thought you were going to reveal the Jade Mask, or the mask of the mask of the Tudan Cummin, Gold, whatever?

[546] And he was like, Jesus, that's what all this is about?

[547] Okay.

[548] We're also a victim of shabby archaeological work.

[549] The fact that you tripped over this thing or that in 20 minutes of you going, I think I want an artifact found it.

[550] So, okay, call my dad and he's like, let me call my attorney friend and see if this is grounds for some legal counsel here.

[551] So he calls his friend and he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, she definitely needs a lawyer.

[552] And he's like, the crazy thing is my friend is a practicing attorney in the state that we were in.

[553] And he's the former ambassador to Belize.

[554] And so he's like, let me call him and see if he'll represent you.

[555] And this is very simulation.

[556] This is.

[557] This story is very theatrical.

[558] My dad's friend called him and he's like, yep, sounds like she needs legal counsel.

[559] I'll gladly represent her.

[560] He then contacts my university and he's like no longer talk to Bonnie.

[561] All of your questions can come through me. So he starts applying the heat a little bit because to your point, my university was taking this way over the top, very serious.

[562] The other wild thing that was super coincidental was that the United States and Belize had just signed a memorandum of understanding with each other.

[563] the day before I took the artifact and it was in effect that day that's where the expedition to Belizean jail comes in because there's this written contract that our country will extradite to each other.

[564] Oh my God.

[565] And so I'm like, what are the odds that we have signed this with Belize the day before I take this rock?

[566] I'll tell you.

[567] And I can't believe I didn't ask this question earlier.

[568] The one thing I would have thought when taking that out is Oh my God, I'm going to have a Mayan spell on me now.

[569] That's what I would have thought.

[570] And by the way, this is a Mayan spell.

[571] The notion that they passed that the day before you were exposed, this is the spell.

[572] It worked.

[573] Right.

[574] I did ask some questions before I took it.

[575] Was it religious?

[576] I, like, looked into those things.

[577] Then, nope, it was just part of this whistle.

[578] It had no religious meaning or anything.

[579] But I was very nervous.

[580] It's like the Brady Bunch episode where they take the art of that.

[581] That's exactly what I'm thinking about.

[582] I'm glad that you just.

[583] reminded me where it's coming from.

[584] That is exactly it.

[585] It's the Brady Bond.

[586] My attorney starts applying pressure to the university.

[587] Like, you've had this thing.

[588] You're now in unlawful possession of it for the last couple weeks.

[589] Has anyone even authenticated it?

[590] What's happening here, basically?

[591] So he applied enough pressure.

[592] And my university was like, oh, we were going to get him to represent us because they knew he was the former ambassador to Belize and that he was a practicing attorney in their state.

[593] And so they were going to reach out to him to represent their legal side of things.

[594] And then, yeah, my dad just happened to have a connection and lead him to it.

[595] And so then they freaked out because they were like, this is not going to end well for us.

[596] This is senior week of my college experience.

[597] So I'm day drinking at this Catalina wine mixer.

[598] I'm in a sun hat.

[599] And my attorney calls.

[600] My friends are just getting like an absolute kick out of this at the time.

[601] It was like really going through it.

[602] My family dog.

[603] had died.

[604] My boyfriend broke up with me. I'm maybe not graduating college.

[605] I'm like having a real bad time.

[606] And he's like, okay, I just want you to know that your university has handed the artifact over to the FBI.

[607] And I have no idea what happens next.

[608] Now the FBI is involved.

[609] He's like, honestly, I don't know what the FBI is going to do.

[610] But we need to figure out getting you to graduate and this other stuff.

[611] Let's focus as a matter at hand, basically.

[612] So my school is, still saying, we don't know.

[613] Your degree is being held.

[614] We have to figure it out.

[615] And so they work it out with my attorney that I can graduate and walk at graduation if I write a formal apology to the country of Belize and a 20 -page research paper on the law's repercussions, history and ramifications of antiquity theft and specific to Belize.

[616] So I have one day to bust out this 20 -page research paper while all of my friends are enjoying their last day of college, like, day before graduation.

[617] I'm spending, like, 24 hours in my college library, busting out this paper on Intiquity Fath.

[618] I hope you're doing a ton of copying and pasting.

[619] It's be the worst thing possible.

[620] Also plagiarism on top of them.

[621] This is like entrapment.

[622] They forced you into plagiarism.

[623] I copy and paste is like the whole memorandum of understanding and invented it a lot to take up a lot of space.

[624] So there was some tricks being had.

[625] I actually, when I got the email that I was going to talk to you guys, I pulled out my college laptop and found the paper and printed it out because I was like, I need to see this.

[626] And so, like, printed out the old apology letter and the 20 -page research paper.

[627] And it's just funny to go back and read something that you wrote 10 years ago.

[628] Yeah, yeah.

[629] Also, my laptop still turned on.

[630] More Mayan magic.

[631] The Mayans aren't mad at you.

[632] This is the thing.

[633] It's the University of We Won't Say, because I don't want anyone to go.

[634] there.

[635] I'm mad they weren't trying to help you.

[636] They're now an extra force against you.

[637] Look.

[638] That's not okay.

[639] Look, look, look, look.

[640] I hate what they did.

[641] I also am sympathetic to running a university where especially at that time when you say 2013, universities are going up and smoke every five minutes.

[642] Like every university's got a scandal.

[643] This is the beginning of the big liberal push for safe spaces.

[644] I'm a little bit sympathetic to the environment that they're running a college in, which is you're on thin ice.

[645] Now, I think it's preposterous what they did.

[646] And also, I'm sympathetic to this guy doesn't give a fuck about that antiquity.

[647] But he's like, oh, my God, this whole university is going to go down because of this gal.

[648] And now what punishment will hold up when it's in the New York Times?

[649] Well, let me tell you what doesn't hold up.

[650] It's going to get off.

[651] An apology letter to Belize.

[652] It doesn't get sent to Belize.

[653] It is so stupid.

[654] I get it.

[655] I feel bad for everyone involved.

[656] I'm going to take down that uni.

[657] Okay.

[658] What's up, guys?

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[678] So I write the 20 -page research paper.

[679] I'm allowed to graduate, but they're still not satisfied.

[680] I think to your point, Dax, they were like, shit hits the fan, what have we done?

[681] And so they settled on an official academic suspension post -graduation.

[682] After I graduated college, I have all of my GPA, you know, everything.

[683] And then underneath it, for two weeks over the summer, after graduation, I was suspended for academic dishonesty.

[684] So it says academic suspension, academic dishonesty on my official college transcript because of this.

[685] Oh, my God.

[686] That's actually more damaging than withholding your.

[687] degree.

[688] And I went to school to be a teacher, which is the one field that cares about your actual degree and your actual college transcript.

[689] So I was like, this is a real problem for me. And my attorney was like, okay, you weren't just there on your own.

[690] You totally have a case.

[691] You could sue them.

[692] You'll probably win, get money, and then they'll have to take this off your transcript.

[693] But if you do that, it will be a nationwide story.

[694] Students Sue's University over stolen antiquity.

[695] And he's like, anytime anyone Googles your name from here on out, this headline will be attached to your name.

[696] He's like, it'll probably make it harder for you to get a job than if this is just quietly on him.

[697] I like this attorney, by the way.

[698] I like all the moves he's making.

[699] He's great.

[700] He was like, lay low, let it blow over.

[701] Couldn't you at least threaten it, though, so they would take reverse of action?

[702] reverseive?

[703] I think there was a lot of threatening going on.

[704] The attorney and my dad were both pretty upset about this.

[705] Yeah, if you were my daughter, I would be meeting the dean in the parking lot one night.

[706] But also, your dad's so nice because he had enough foresight to be like, buddy, please don't.

[707] I'm going to tell you why your dad's the dream parent.

[708] He told you the right thing to do.

[709] And even though you fucked up, he still had your back.

[710] Yeah.

[711] That's what a nice dad.

[712] They never leave your corner, but they also tell you the truth.

[713] This is a bad move.

[714] And boy, was it ever.

[715] He's got bragging rights for life.

[716] He was great about it.

[717] And the connection to the ambassador was insanely lucky.

[718] So that was great.

[719] Thanks, my dad, for that.

[720] I know.

[721] We're all in the simulation.

[722] But yeah, so I just dipped out and lived on Martha's Vineyard for a little while and worked in a restaurant.

[723] Let it blow over.

[724] And then eventually I got my diploma in the mail way later.

[725] And, I mean, there's so many jokes that just write themselves.

[726] I was like, I can't believe.

[727] finally got my diploma.

[728] So stupid.

[729] Do you teach now?

[730] I don't actually.

[731] I do something completely unrelated.

[732] But it's been fine.

[733] I've been able to get jobs.

[734] I've actually told all of my bosses this story before.

[735] Yeah, of course.

[736] Right, right.

[737] Of course.

[738] It's a good one.

[739] Oh, my God.

[740] Do we know what happened to the artifact?

[741] Oh, it's in some agent's desk drawer, probably.

[742] There's actually photos of it online.

[743] So there's three different news articles about this online.

[744] They don't use my name their Belizean news outlets, so their student immediately expelled.

[745] There's actual pictures of two federal agents handing the artifact over and shaking hands, giving it back.

[746] I can actually show you the photo.

[747] Please show me. But, you know, as you were telling it, it was escalating and escalating, and you said the FBI, I honestly could imagine it was on Air Force One Obama handed it over personally.

[748] It felt like it got to that level.

[749] So this is what that whole thing he was about.

[750] It looks like a little animal.

[751] Like a little owl.

[752] Oh my god, he's so cute.

[753] I definitely would have kept it.

[754] Yeah.

[755] It was pretty fun.

[756] So it was a piece of something that was supposed to look like you blew air into its butt.

[757] And then a whistle sound came out.

[758] I mean, the university didn't tell you the rules that you couldn't do that.

[759] Wow.

[760] And the gift shop man didn't.

[761] Well, there was being noticeable sign.

[762] Yeah, yeah.

[763] We don't need to.

[764] mitigate Bonnie's responsibility.

[765] This isn't a story of like she was right.

[766] It's a story of a disproportionate reaction to a pretty small blunder that's regrettable.

[767] I think that's the theme of this story.

[768] But it's also a story of a university that then becomes so consumed with covering their own back.

[769] If they're that consume, you better go through every single rule with your students before you go.

[770] All right.

[771] Well, this is like when art meets life.

[772] In this case, they're not the same.

[773] So Indiana Jones he's a hero and he's celebrated everything's groovy she takes a very insignificant thing and it temporarily ruins her life yeah this is this is a patriarchy thing too it's like when indiana jones yeah you have a lawsuit against universal studios of whoever made that movie and steven spielberg and stephen spielberg personally oh my god well bonnie thank you thank you yeah so interesting this was super fun what a delight to talk to you thanks so much for telling us that story that was more than a story that was like an epic yeah I loved it I'm sorry that happened to you but I love it I can laugh about it now at the time it was insane but when you started doing this segment I was just waiting I was like I need the right prompt I got to tell the story.

[774] You're right.

[775] There's a few different ones that could have been brought into it.

[776] Like, have you ever ready to deal with the FBI?

[777] Have you ever had a problem with your school?

[778] Have you ever had a problem on vacation?

[779] Well, we had one betrayed someone you love.

[780] I guess that could have been the country of Belize.

[781] That would have been a stretch.

[782] This was much better.

[783] Yeah, this was clean.

[784] This was very clean.

[785] All right, Bonnie.

[786] So great meeting you.

[787] I hope we get to talk to you again.

[788] Maybe you'll have another fantastic story down the road.

[789] Thank you.

[790] Nice to meet you.

[791] Okay, bye, Bonnie.

[792] Wow, what a tale.

[793] I thought she was going to tell if she was zooming from a Belizean prison.

[794] Oh my God, that would be great.

[795] I thought it was, I thought it was going to end in that it wasn't a real artifact.

[796] Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[797] Welcome, welcome, welcome.

[798] Hi.

[799] How's it going?

[800] It's so good.

[801] How are you?

[802] I'm well.

[803] Thank you.

[804] It's Anna.

[805] Anna, yes.

[806] Anna or Anna?

[807] It's the same.

[808] I'm from a Latin.

[809] country.

[810] So they say Anna, but you can say Anna, Anna, Anna, whatever you want.

[811] Which Latin country?

[812] Argentina, Buenos Aires.

[813] Now we're talking.

[814] Home of delicious grilled meats.

[815] Exactly.

[816] Exactly.

[817] I think you would enjoy it, for sure.

[818] Are you currently in Argentina?

[819] No, I live in Miami in Florida.

[820] Okay.

[821] And what are we doing in Miami?

[822] I'm an interior designer.

[823] I work at an architecture and construction company.

[824] We do high -end residential homes.

[825] Okay, wonderful.

[826] Now, you don't look like a thief to me. Nobody.

[827] Well, some people look like.

[828] Yeah.

[829] But yeah, sometimes a guy robbing your house and you're like, yeah, that's what I would expect.

[830] That's what you would expect.

[831] Yes, I don't.

[832] That's maybe why I got away with things.

[833] Okay.

[834] Sure, sure, sure.

[835] Okay, what did you steal?

[836] Okay, so in order to give you an idea as to why I decided to act the way I acted, I'm going to give you guys a little backstory.

[837] First and foremost, I'm an open book.

[838] Similar to I think you guys, you're very open about my life.

[839] I tell people my stories.

[840] I enjoy that.

[841] But this is an untold secret that I've kept for 15 years.

[842] And I think the only reason why I felt comfortable is because you guys have been so vulnerable.

[843] And honestly, all of the armchair anonymous stories are just hilarious and super fun.

[844] So I felt like, okay, I feel comfortable enough.

[845] It's been 15 years.

[846] I can share this.

[847] Thank you.

[848] My pleasure.

[849] So the little back story is, like I said, was raised in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

[850] My parents were quite strict with us growing up.

[851] I have four brothers.

[852] So I had no older sisters or older cousins to kind of share my adventures with.

[853] And my mom, she has four sisters.

[854] And they were all raised to be ladies.

[855] And they were raised in a diplomatic house.

[856] So they were very strict with their innocence.

[857] So when I was 10 years old, my mom had a big religious conversion.

[858] and it kind of coincidentally went along at the same time where I got my first boyfriend.

[859] So when I had my first boyfriend, my school would organize these camping trips, and we would go 10 days to Batagonia.

[860] One of the nights we had to sleep under the stars, and so we were sleeping under the stars.

[861] I had my boyfriend next to me in our little, how much is the sleeping bag?

[862] Thank you.

[863] Really quick, did you say you were 10?

[864] I was around 10, 11, yeah.

[865] Okay, so you're an early starter.

[866] This is exciting.

[867] Okay, please continue.

[868] So we were sleeping under the stars and we kissed for the first time.

[869] My first kiss.

[870] So I come back home.

[871] I tell my mom, mom, I kissed with Franco.

[872] First kiss on the lips, little peck here and there.

[873] We were under the star, so romantic.

[874] And her reaction was, I wish you would have waited.

[875] So that kind of gave me a preliminary.

[876] I'm not sharing this stuff with my mom anymore.

[877] And I'll have to see where I release all of these stories with.

[878] So when I'm 15, I get into my.

[879] serious relationship.

[880] And I started dating the captain of the rugby team.

[881] He was a senior.

[882] I was a sophomore, a hunk of a dude.

[883] And I was like the choir girl and the play freak.

[884] And he was like all sporty.

[885] And my mom was thrilled.

[886] So first couple of months were in our honeymoon phase, keeping it PG -13.

[887] And up until that point, I had been pretty much PG -13.

[888] But the relationship started to develop.

[889] We started to feel more comfortable with each other.

[890] And maybe it was like four months in.

[891] I want to start experiencing things with my body and him too.

[892] But the problem I had was that up until that point, my mom would do my shopping for me. So I didn't have any sexyish clothing or underwear.

[893] All I had were these grandma styles when 100 % cotton pink underwear.

[894] Granny panties.

[895] Let's call for it.

[896] Granny panties, exactly.

[897] But I couldn't show the hunk of a dunk, the granny panties.

[898] I had to find something a little more.

[899] So my first resource was when I would go to my pajama parties with my girlfriends, I would go into their closets.

[900] And since I was always the first one to wake up, I would sneak into their panty drawer and see if they had anything kind of more sexy, at least black.

[901] So anyway, that's where it started.

[902] And it became a little bit of an addiction.

[903] Oh, like, like actual kleptomania?

[904] Like, it gave you a buzz?

[905] It gave me a little buzz, but not as much because I had to be subtle.

[906] These are my best friends.

[907] I mean, I was stealing their tongs and like black underwear.

[908] By the way, early bird gets the worm also moral of this story because she was up before everyone else.

[909] Oh, yeah.

[910] Right?

[911] That's part of this.

[912] Yeah, that helps.

[913] So it comes to the point that my friends, they were also 15.

[914] So even though their things would fit me, they were also kind of PG, right?

[915] And when it came to our anniversary with my boyfriend, I decided to maybe see if I could get something from my mom.

[916] But again, my mom was super innocent, very classic lady, religious.

[917] So it took a little while to find something.

[918] I found only one set and I used for one of our anniversaries.

[919] But that one I didn't steal.

[920] I put it back.

[921] It was a borrowing situation.

[922] A rental.

[923] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[924] Yeah.

[925] then I resorted to my grandma, La Nona.

[926] So she has very good taste, silk, see -through, lacy.

[927] Yes, exactly.

[928] So I said, okay, we're done with the teenage stuff.

[929] Now let's go into more of adult stuff.

[930] So I would steal from my grandma, her sex.

[931] Literally granny panties.

[932] But counterintuitive.

[933] But counterintuitive.

[934] My grandma is just hot.

[935] She's into her fashion.

[936] gangster.

[937] Yes.

[938] You're single -handedly rebranding Granny Panis.

[939] This is incredible.

[940] Or she is, I guess.

[941] Yes.

[942] I was never discovered per se, but it all hit rock bottom when at one point I resorted to my boyfriend's sister's thongs.

[943] Oh.

[944] And I was using them for him.

[945] So that was a little messed up.

[946] And then I was like, okay, I think this includes the stealing space.

[947] Psychologically, that is twisted.

[948] There's a lot of layers there.

[949] You stopped one base short of home plate, which would have been his own mother's garment.

[950] That would have probably been the worst.

[951] Oh, I wish you had gone.

[952] I don't think I could have got it there.

[953] Anyway, by the time I'm 18, I leave home.

[954] I go to college and I get my independence, a little spending money of my own, so I start getting my own underwear.

[955] That kind of concluded the stealing phase.

[956] What surprises me is that it's 15 years later and I still own my best friend's thong that I steal.

[957] That's the first one.

[958] That's it.

[959] That is cute, right?

[960] It's super cute.

[961] So this is one of the first ones.

[962] It's from a local Argentine store.

[963] And this is my grandmas.

[964] Look at how it caught.

[965] That's like a La Perla or a. It's beautiful.

[966] I like the purple and the seeth.

[967] Oh, grandma.

[968] You have the same as Monica's grandma.

[969] You have a sexy grandma.

[970] I do.

[971] But mine was not doing that.

[972] I wish she was.

[973] You don't know.

[974] She should have.

[975] My grandma Lannona, she is into her physique and stuff.

[976] I want to go dancing with her, I think.

[977] She doesn't dance very well.

[978] She doesn't have a lot of rhythm, but she looks great.

[979] Yet.

[980] With a nice partner, we'll see.

[981] With the right partner, she could just kind of latch in and follow the rhythm.

[982] Who could my grandma have been if she was dressing like that?

[983] Or if your grandmother had moved from India to Latin America as opposed to the South.

[984] America.

[985] Yeah.

[986] Wow.

[987] What did I say Latin American?

[988] The South.

[989] Oh, but you repeated Latin America.

[990] Did I say it wrong?

[991] I just said instead of the South, I said America.

[992] Oh, oh, oh, okay, I got nervous.

[993] I had blundered.

[994] I'm sorry, you have to see this.

[995] No worries.

[996] I'm used to it.

[997] I listen to it every morning, so that's normal.

[998] Oh, that makes us so happy.

[999] Anna, do you continue to have a fascination with undergarments on mentionables?

[1000] No. It passed.

[1001] Yeah.

[1002] It was all the excitement of the moment, first boyfriend.

[1003] and experimenting new things, and it was just a phase, luckily.

[1004] Speaking of lucky, this boyfriend, what a lucky guy.

[1005] You're out through hook or crook.

[1006] Yes, I don't think he ever found out.

[1007] I mean, of course not, because I never shared this story.

[1008] I literally told this story to my fiancé when I submitted the story for the first time with you guys.

[1009] And then I told my brother, one of my brothers.

[1010] And my brother was like, how come you've never told me this?

[1011] Like, we've told each other all of our embarrassing shit.

[1012] And you never confessed to this.

[1013] I'm like, no, this is just beyond.

[1014] But see, now this is the beauty of confessing things, is that I bet your estimation of what they were going to think of you versus what they thought, which is an adorable story of a teenager trying to be sexy.

[1015] But in your mind, you're like, oh, my God, if people knew this about me. But in reality, it's like, oh, my God, it's adorable.

[1016] It's not even regrettable.

[1017] I'm glad you were thieving everyone's undergarments.

[1018] Nothing was illegal.

[1019] Yes.

[1020] Exactly.

[1021] This one I plan on giving back to one of my best.

[1022] friends sending her this interview and this as a reminder and let me also say this I can't imagine what you think her response is going to be but I'll just tell you personally if I found out right now any of my friends had been stealing my undies because they thought I had sexy style I'd be so flattered me too I mean I didn't have sexy style so it won't ever happen to me but if it happened I would be flattered yeah and their style is good it's holding up it's still very cute oh yeah very cute Anna this has been so fun I thank you so much for telling this story And I'm so glad we got to meet you.

[1023] And I'm so happy for you and your fiancé.

[1024] Good luck.

[1025] And congratulations.

[1026] Thank you so much.

[1027] And thank you guys.

[1028] Seriously, it's a pleasure driving to work every day, just listening to you guys.

[1029] You're a great company.

[1030] That's so nice.

[1031] Thank you.

[1032] Thank you.

[1033] All right.

[1034] Have a good day.

[1035] Good luck.

[1036] Nice to meet you.

[1037] This made me want to go underwear shopping.

[1038] I bet.

[1039] There was some pretty options.

[1040] I liked the purple.

[1041] All right.

[1042] Okay.

[1043] Can you hear us, Adam?

[1044] I can hear you now.

[1045] Can you hear me?

[1046] Oh, wonderful.

[1047] Wonderful.

[1048] Wonderful.

[1049] Okay.

[1050] You're in an automobile.

[1051] I have very little clues.

[1052] Monica, what am I seeing?

[1053] Virtually nothing, right?

[1054] Gray interior.

[1055] Yep.

[1056] And there's a headrest in the middle seat and back.

[1057] Oh, and we've got a panoramic roof.

[1058] There's some clues here.

[1059] I'm going Toyota or Hyundai on this, is my guess.

[1060] You are wrong on both.

[1061] Okay, perfect.

[1062] Okay.

[1063] Wonderful, wonderful.

[1064] What are you in?

[1065] I am in a Honda Civic right now, 2015 Honda Civic coup.

[1066] Okay, great.

[1067] You know, it's very nice.

[1068] It's minimalist.

[1069] That's why I went Japanese with my guesses and one Korean.

[1070] Let's not get bogged down in that.

[1071] Adam, nice to meet you.

[1072] Nice to have you on the show.

[1073] Nice to meet you guys.

[1074] I love you both.

[1075] Oh, thank you.

[1076] And what part of the country are you in?

[1077] I'm in Sacramento.

[1078] Oh, wonderful.

[1079] Our state's capital.

[1080] Home to the Kings.

[1081] What else do we know?

[1082] Some other things.

[1083] Yep.

[1084] The I -5 drives them.

[1085] Said them all.

[1086] I'm not from here, so you probably know more about it than I do.

[1087] Where are you from?

[1088] I'm originally from Chicago.

[1089] Okay.

[1090] Robbie Rob's getting hard.

[1091] Okay, so you have stolen, as if I, as of Monica, Rob's mute on the topic, but I bet he's stolen.

[1092] What happened, what caused you to do it?

[1093] Tell us.

[1094] When I was 16 years old, I had my first job at a fast food restaurant.

[1095] I'm not sure if I should name the fast food restaurant, but let's just say they love having it their way, and I'm loving it.

[1096] as well.

[1097] Okay, great.

[1098] Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

[1099] At this fast food restaurant, I learned a technique from one of my managers to fix a cash register drawer and fix by her terms meant to make it more correct because sometimes people miscount the change.

[1100] They give away too much money.

[1101] You know, people don't pay for an order, whatever happens.

[1102] She had a method to correct the amount of money that should be in the cash register so that your cash register didn't come up short.

[1103] Yeah, so just really quickly if people don't know at the end of a shift when you're operator register, you're generally going to go through the receipts, then you're going to go through the actual hard money that's in there.

[1104] And rarely do these things match up perfectly.

[1105] Right.

[1106] So in order to not have the cash register come up short at the end of the night, her method was in the system, someone would come through an order of meal and she would ring it up as just a sandwich.

[1107] So just a sandwich might give you an extra dollar or two.

[1108] You give them the fries and the drinks so that they have the meal and you only charge them within the system for a sandwich.

[1109] Okay, perfect.

[1110] You're gaining a dollar or two on the sandwich.

[1111] Got it.

[1112] Yes.

[1113] Oh, I like this.

[1114] This is great.

[1115] Eventually working at this fast food job, I became somewhat disgruntled, I should say.

[1116] When you don't pay people, this tends to happen.

[1117] Yeah.

[1118] So I was 16.

[1119] And at the time they had a law where you could pay anyone under 18, like $2 less than anybody over 18.

[1120] Yeah.

[1121] When I worked at Big Boys in Michigan, I was making $2 .35 an hour.

[1122] I think I was making $6 .25, if I remember correctly.

[1123] And I was good.

[1124] I had been there for a little while.

[1125] and I think my manager wanted to make me a shift manager.

[1126] But even with that shift manager position, I would only get like an extra 50 cent bump.

[1127] Oh my God.

[1128] And people were coming in who were 18 and over who were making, I think, $8 plus, $8 .25 or something like that.

[1129] You're also paying a cultural capital price, which is you're probably running into classmates.

[1130] You're not stoked to see the hot girl from your school when you're working at a fast food restaurant, right?

[1131] I actually worked with my girlfriend at the restaurant at the time.

[1132] Oh, okay, that's much.

[1133] better.

[1134] Yeah.

[1135] She had the job before me and I got on there because of her.

[1136] It worked out for me that time.

[1137] And she actually plays a part in the story as well.

[1138] Okay.

[1139] Okay.

[1140] So the table is set.

[1141] After the point where I started training new people to come in and make more money than me, I was very upset about that.

[1142] So I decided it was time for me to take things into my own hands and make a little bit of extra money on the side.

[1143] So I've always been good at fast math.

[1144] And I knew every single price of every sandwich versus the meal.

[1145] I could price everything out in that store.

[1146] So I rang up a couple orders as just a sandwich instead of a meal.

[1147] I would do it five or six times and then I would count it in my head until I knew where the drawer was at.

[1148] And then I would take out a crisp $20 bill when I was at that point.

[1149] So I did that for the first time and it worked and it was so easy.

[1150] I started doing it more and more and more until just about every day I was taking at least $60 to $80 out of that.

[1151] Wow.

[1152] Okay.

[1153] Well, this is the trajectory of all criminal enterprises.

[1154] The hard hurdles beginning the enterprise, but then fuck it.

[1155] We'll take it to the...

[1156] Yeah, to the Macs.

[1157] Anything you can get away with at some point.

[1158] To the Max Donald's.

[1159] So even if you did it twice an hour, that's still very low percentage of the product you're moving.

[1160] But that's going to add up, because this is an extra $2 on top of the sandwich for the meal, I'm assuming.

[1161] So that's going to be $6 an hour.

[1162] You're working a six -hour shift.

[1163] There's 36 without anyone blinking an eye.

[1164] Exactly.

[1165] Nobody noticed.

[1166] And the thing you're giving away within their system is the fries and the drinks, which are basically expendable to them.

[1167] That's where they're making their money.

[1168] Yeah.

[1169] Yeah.

[1170] So they dump out fries when they get old.

[1171] The drinks, they spill them.

[1172] They refill them.

[1173] It doesn't really matter to them.

[1174] That's the way I justified it in my own head anyway.

[1175] Sure.

[1176] Well, you've got two things, I think.

[1177] If I'm you, and of course, I just want money, I'm saying there's an injustice here.

[1178] I have the ability to right size the justice.

[1179] So I imagine even I would start off going, I'm going to give myself the equipment.

[1180] of two extra dollars an hour.

[1181] But then when you're stealing in for a penny and for a pound, fuck it.

[1182] Let's see what we can get.

[1183] Yeah.

[1184] I think when I started, I literally had that thought of giving myself a couple extra dollars an hour.

[1185] I was like, well, I got $40 today.

[1186] I worked about nine, ten hours.

[1187] I think that's about right, you know?

[1188] Yeah.

[1189] I had done that math to myself and justified it.

[1190] Did you let your girlfriend know you were stealing?

[1191] So that is how it got out of hand.

[1192] Okay, okay.

[1193] We had a close friend that also worked with us and then another girl that we all hung out with.

[1194] So we would go out after work.

[1195] We'd go out to dinners, go to the movies, whatever.

[1196] It was actually right next to a mall.

[1197] So we would go hang out at the mall afterwards.

[1198] Easy and easy out.

[1199] Exactly.

[1200] You spend money you stole much differently than money you earned, don't you?

[1201] Oh yeah.

[1202] You blow that money.

[1203] That money's gone.

[1204] Get it out of your hand before you get caught.

[1205] So eventually they started noticing that I was picking up a lot of the checks and acting like a 16 -year -old big shot, just picking up, you know, $100 check.

[1206] on a table for four, which at the time we were all making nothing together.

[1207] And they knew how much money I made because we all had the same job.

[1208] And they started asking questions about how I was able to afford these extravagant meals.

[1209] At Red Robin.

[1210] I think it was Olive Garden, Red Robin.

[1211] Yeah.

[1212] We're spending it up.

[1213] And so I let them know one dinner about what I was doing.

[1214] I said, if you bring up a meal as a sandwich, it gives an extra $1 .75, an extra two bucks on whatever meal.

[1215] And you get to take out money once you get to a 20.

[1216] And that's what I've been doing.

[1217] At that point, I was taking out an extra $80 at the day or whatever.

[1218] I think the most I ever took out was maybe $140 on a busy Saturday.

[1219] Sure, sure.

[1220] So they took it upon themselves to join in on the fund.

[1221] And you're good at FastMath, but you can't guarantee the others.

[1222] I can tell that's where this story's going.

[1223] That's exactly where this story's going.

[1224] Oh, no. Okay.

[1225] So after everybody learned my methods, there was a busy Saturday shift one day where all four of us were working the cash registers.

[1226] All $7 ,000 was stolen.

[1227] Apparently, we were all working on our magic on these cash registered, and this was after an eight -hour shift with all four of us.

[1228] This is awful.

[1229] The receipt just read sandwich, sandwich, sandwich.

[1230] You're like, it's so weird.

[1231] We didn't sell any fries on Saturday.

[1232] No one was thirsty this Saturday.

[1233] So it gets down to the end of the shift, and they start counting the cash registers.

[1234] They come back, and the managers.

[1235] have this weird look on their faces.

[1236] There's two managers and they start looking at us and they start looking at each other.

[1237] And we're all like, what's going on?

[1238] Because we didn't watch them count it.

[1239] And they go, the drawer is not correct.

[1240] And we're like, okay, is it short or what's going on with it?

[1241] And they said it's over.

[1242] And we're like, all right, how much is it over by?

[1243] And they said, $65.

[1244] Yeah, that can't even happen.

[1245] No. Unless someone paid with a hundred and you gave them $10 back.

[1246] That's what they were thinking is somebody paid with a large bill and didn't get their change back.

[1247] And they said, did anybody remember taking a large bill today, $100 bill?

[1248] And I'm all like, no, no, everybody says no. And the only thing I'm thinking is you morons, I wish I had taken out an extra $60 out of the drawer today because I could have just pocketed that change and we would have been okay.

[1249] We talked afterwards and everybody had been doing the trick, taking out their own amounts of money without counting it correctly.

[1250] I had it all in my head, but everybody apparently was wasting my $60 that could have been grabbed.

[1251] Eventually, that had to shut down the show for us for a while because things just got too, I said, we all have to stop doing this.

[1252] And by we all, did you mean you three, and I'll keep doing it?

[1253] I did a little bit, a little bit.

[1254] Well, they weren't good at it.

[1255] Yeah.

[1256] Everybody can do fast math.

[1257] Oh, my God.

[1258] I feel like we're the same person.

[1259] I can see myself in that exact same scenario.

[1260] I can hear myself making the speech to them, how, look, guys, you know what?

[1261] We got away with murder.

[1262] We got to chalk this up.

[1263] up till we did it, and we're going to be the people that got away with it, but we got to shut it down.

[1264] That was very similar to the speech that I gave.

[1265] And then you just continue on your own.

[1266] Oh, boys.

[1267] Well, fuck, we had no choice.

[1268] You guys were fucking it up.

[1269] Okay, but you might have had to have stopped it too.

[1270] You should have probably stopped it too because you guys can't be trusted either.

[1271] You're telling all your friends, you're trying to press, taking them to the mall.

[1272] If you really look into criminal investigation statistics, you'd be shocked at how many cases resolve themselves because the people just can't keep their fucking mouth shut, right?

[1273] Like the majority of crimes are solved because guys are popping off at the bar about how cool they are.

[1274] Exactly.

[1275] The fact that your manager showed you that is so peculiar to begin with.

[1276] That's the first domino in this.

[1277] Oh, the original trick.

[1278] Yes.

[1279] Maybe you would have put that together at some point.

[1280] Why do you suppose she even taught you that?

[1281] I remember when she taught me it was because the drawer was short like $5 one day and she knew it was going to be short so she showed me how to do the trick because she trusted me. Right.

[1282] And she just wanted you to make up that $5.

[1283] Right.

[1284] And you were going to be in her position potentially at some point.

[1285] Right.

[1286] That was her idea.

[1287] Yeah.

[1288] She was trying to promote me into a ship manager.

[1289] Oh, man. Here's the broom by which we sweep the dust under the rug.

[1290] And if they had promoted me and given me a raise, it probably would have cost them a lot less money because I think I made off with at least four or five grand.

[1291] Oh, wow.

[1292] In a stick month period.

[1293] Wow.

[1294] Oh, this is fantastic.

[1295] Do you feel any guilt over this or are you pretty clean?

[1296] Is it terrible to say I feel zero guilt about it?

[1297] No, I care more about honesty than any other thing.

[1298] So I hate to say it because I guess if you chase it down, it's not like the corporation owns them, their franchise, maybe that person suffers.

[1299] Who knows, maybe they were scraping by and that would have made a difference to them.

[1300] I don't know.

[1301] Also, I'm not advocating for people to steal.

[1302] No, please don't.

[1303] Try not to.

[1304] And yet, there is an unavoidable truth, which is if you present injustice to people, don't be shocked when they figure out how to level the scale and then even further, don't be shocked when they'll go beyond leveling the scale is human nature.

[1305] So I guess I'm more interested in what reality is.

[1306] Why are Mexican cops all on the grift?

[1307] Because they don't make enough to survive.

[1308] What's the option?

[1309] They don't even have the right equipment.

[1310] Yeah, they fucking shake people down.

[1311] That's what happens.

[1312] Totally.

[1313] Everyone's definition of injustice is going to be different.

[1314] You're right.

[1315] I don't know that we should empower everyone to make those decisions.

[1316] Right.

[1317] Because yes, there's some level.

[1318] of entitlement we all have and it varies.

[1319] Yeah.

[1320] Wow, what a story.

[1321] I gotta be honest.

[1322] Story, which we like.

[1323] Yeah, that was incredible.

[1324] I just gotta add, growing up, I had friends of every strata socioeconomically, and I will say, I hung out with this one group of friends who all went to this school, St. Mary's.

[1325] They were all quote, rich kids, and those motherfuckers stole more than anybody I knew.

[1326] They were always doing beer runs.

[1327] They were always doing this.

[1328] They were, I don't know.

[1329] That's because they felt impervious to...

[1330] Above the law.

[1331] Entitled is either the real low -end burnouts that were like, fuck it, I'm taking four -wheelers and cars.

[1332] Nothing to lose.

[1333] And then they're really rich kids.

[1334] And I feel like everyone in between was just kind of like, you know.

[1335] I had a really rich friend growing up who wanted to steal all the time and his family got him anything he wanted.

[1336] He would try to go into people's cars and he'd steal a purse.

[1337] That's a power thing for sure.

[1338] Interesting.

[1339] Oh, Adam.

[1340] I enjoyed the shit out of that story.

[1341] I really did.

[1342] I really did.

[1343] Well, thank you guys for letting me tell it.

[1344] I love your podcast so much.

[1345] Thank you so much.

[1346] It was so fun.

[1347] Be well and I think we're pretty clean on the guilt level here.

[1348] Yeah, you're all right.

[1349] It's expunged.

[1350] All right, Adam.

[1351] So great talking to you, brother.

[1352] I've loved that story.

[1353] You too.

[1354] I like all of them.

[1355] I didn't expect when we asked for stealing stories for there to be like an international caper.

[1356] I was really on that ride.

[1357] I was too.

[1358] When the fucking FBI got involved, I thought, where is this thing going next?

[1359] Talk about a snowball.

[1360] My faith in universities has already been wavered recently, and that really is pushing it.

[1361] That got me. That was triggering for you.

[1362] Yeah, I'm upset.

[1363] In therapy, you'll explore a little more.

[1364] That was great.

[1365] Love you.

[1366] Love you.

[1367] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1368] We don't have a theme song.

[1369] We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

[1370] We're going to ask some random questions and with the help.

[1371] Of armchair, he'll get some suggestions.

[1372] On the flyer rhyme dish.

[1373] On the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy.

[1374] Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1375] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[1376] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.

[1377] Thank you.