Colin Jost

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dan Shepard.

[2] I'm joined by Monica Mouse.

[3] Hello.

[4] Hello, hello.

[5] We have a great guest on today.

[6] He was a guest that we heard on Howard Stern and just thought we must talk to him.

[7] In addition to being fans of his prior to that, Colin Jost.

[8] Colin Jost is a comedian, an actor, and a writer.

[9] He's been a writer for Saturday Night Live since 2005 and Weekend Update writers since 2004.

[10] You will see him host Weekend Update where he does an incredible job with his partner, Michael Che.

[11] So he also has a new book that recently made it onto the New York Times bestseller list, and it's called A Very Punchable Face, A Memoir.

[12] A Very Punchable Face, a Memoir.

[13] And if you like...

[14] Memoir.

[15] What did I say?

[16] Memoir?

[17] Oh, geez, here we go.

[18] We're not even in the fact check yet.

[19] Can't you tell me in the fact check I messed up the intro?

[20] He has a lot of funny pooping your pants stories.

[21] That's just the little teaser I'm going to give you.

[22] So Hope, you are in the market for that and enjoy Colin Jost.

[23] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and add free right now.

[24] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[25] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[26] He's an armchair expert.

[27] Oh my gosh.

[28] In the flesh, but not really, but kind of.

[29] Look how cute you are.

[30] Yeah.

[31] My goodness.

[32] Guys are adorable too.

[33] We just had Dave Franco on and I was saying, you know, that guy could cut your wife's head off and then that smile, he hits you with it.

[34] And you're like, my God, what a pleasure doing business with you.

[35] I got to say yours is.

[36] Yeah, this is rivaling.

[37] Yeah, it's in the same zone.

[38] Okay.

[39] Great.

[40] I'll start chopping heads off.

[41] Let's do it.

[42] Don't you love as someone who's funny?

[43] Like, don't all you want to be in life is hot as fuck.

[44] Yeah.

[45] Yeah.

[46] As early on as a kid, yeah, you're like, wow, that would be a great.

[47] Because it's such a thing you can't.

[48] switch.

[49] You know, when you're a kid, you're like, I can get smarter.

[50] I'm working at it.

[51] I'm trying to get better grades.

[52] I'm trying to get better at writing and math.

[53] But these other kids, they're just like, hot guys.

[54] If you do pull an all -nighter, odds are you're going to look worse.

[55] So it's actually, you know, inversely related.

[56] After all -nighters at work, anyone I was dating was really horrified to see me come home.

[57] A husk of a person, emotionally, physically.

[58] It was never, never a good time for them.

[59] I was re -listening to the Stern interview and I was playing it for Monica.

[60] You were so great on Stern the other day.

[61] Really good.

[62] I was terrified, you know, like I had never done it before.

[63] And he's a guy, obviously, I grew up listening to and watching like late night, whatever it was, reruns on E, whatever it was.

[64] Yeah, yeah, the weird video version he had.

[65] Yeah, the video version.

[66] I realize as I'm saying it, I don't even know.

[67] What was that a rerun?

[68] Was that happening at 9 a .m.?

[69] And then being replayed.

[70] But I loved him so much.

[71] And it was, you know, it's nerve -wracking to do it.

[72] You know, I was very grateful he liked the book because then I was less worried about going into some kind of buzzsaw and, you know, having no sense of where he would be coming from.

[73] Well, I had flown in from L .A. the first time I did it.

[74] And I stayed awake the entire night preparing.

[75] I was trying to anticipate his questions about my sex life.

[76] or about Kristen's vagina or anal sex and all, I'm thinking of every permutation of Kristen's body and how I'm going to divert him off that topic, right?

[77] I mean, I couldn't sleep.

[78] And I have to imagine you were doing the same thing, like, oh, this is going to be all about scarlet.

[79] You make it sound like a great exercise.

[80] He forced me to just contemplate every position.

[81] Yes, of course.

[82] So your mind goes to, yeah, where is he going to go?

[83] And you certainly don't want to volunteer.

[84] I'm also happy he didn't say, what was the worst question you thought I was going to ask?

[85] Because it probably was worse than whatever he had in mind.

[86] I just stumbled accidentally.

[87] Once he found out that I had been such a bad addict that I had been kicked off the Conan O 'Brien show, that was tasty enough for him to get off of sex, right?

[88] And then I think magically what you did was I think he was so interested.

[89] in the shitting the pants stories that he just really lost his original aim.

[90] That's my addiction.

[91] That was my addiction.

[92] And he found it out.

[93] You lead with the addiction.

[94] And can I tell you the reason we're talking is because I heard you and I said to Monica, we have to get calling on because I have a hundred shitting my pants stories, maybe more.

[95] I'm like, this is a fellow fisherman at sea.

[96] Oh, yeah.

[97] I'm so happy this will become my legacy.

[98] It's a good one.

[99] Like every author dreams of.

[100] Yes, all the great authors.

[101] This is the great Gatsby for pants shitting.

[102] Well, you majored in Russian literature.

[103] Dotsievsky couldn't go four days without shit in his pants.

[104] I think everyone knows that.

[105] Oh, my God.

[106] Yeah, he would do it on a dare to make money between books.

[107] I love that he, like, constantly lost all his money.

[108] Then he's like, I better write a novel.

[109] So he's like, it's so funny that something like crime and punishment was probably written because he needed money for more gambling.

[110] Hey, off of gambling debt.

[111] Yeah.

[112] I looked at crime and punishment.

[113] I was like, not a chance.

[114] What is that?

[115] 700 pages or something.

[116] But the gambler, we're looking at 100 pages, and I read it.

[117] And I was like, oh, I've never understood the mind of a gambling addict.

[118] And I fully do now.

[119] Like, I'm living inside of that head.

[120] And this guy is a genius at allowing you into someone's head like that.

[121] And then I made my way through crime and punishment.

[122] And about halfway through, I was like, oh, this is the greatest thing I've ever read in my life.

[123] And I think I know what it feels like to kill somebody and wait to get discovered.

[124] Yeah.

[125] Yeah.

[126] And you don't even have to necessarily do it.

[127] I mean, it's not to discourage you.

[128] I don't want to, but you don't necessarily have to.

[129] It's funny how the mind of a gambler, I guess, stays pretty consistent, and it's just the game or whatever they're gambling on that changes.

[130] I don't know if it's his, like, whist.

[131] Yeah, yeah, yeah, some weird Prussian parlor game.

[132] And then it could be horses or then it could be poker or blackjack or whatever.

[133] Whatever it is, the mindset's very much the same.

[134] It's just whatever you're doing.

[135] Yeah, but the novel aspect for me was like, oh, this obsession of this fairy tale of getting even.

[136] But that's the story they're all telling themselves.

[137] If I could just get even, I could quit this thing.

[138] And getting even's not probably mathematically possible at some point.

[139] You're going to go above it or below it or you've set a goal.

[140] Your exit strategy is unobtainable.

[141] And that's fascinating.

[142] It's not a great long -term plan.

[143] The other one I'll say too is the one that I read that was, it's also short notes from underground is another one that he wrote and it's like a great intro one because it's super intense it's it's maybe like a hundred pages it's so relevant now it's all about this guy who's like often his own world super angry at society totally misanthropic mind and he's so in his own world and is creating this whole conspiracy against himself and society and yeah it feels very much of today it sounds like the plot of Joker.

[144] Yes.

[145] It is essentially, honestly, it's kind of Joker.

[146] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[147] It's Joker before Joker.

[148] I was watching Joker.

[149] They paint such a detailed picture of like that experience in the 70s.

[150] And I actually thought for the first time, maybe video games are awesome.

[151] Maybe that type of person now has this outlet for aggression and the isolation feels communicative.

[152] And maybe there's more options for people that are of that inclination.

[153] I don't know.

[154] Yeah, they play call of duty and they're like, I have been called to duty.

[155] Yeah.

[156] I have a purpose.

[157] I have a purpose in life.

[158] Here's how my aggression's getting out and I'm doing it for, for honor and for country.

[159] Yes.

[160] And I've killed virtually 1 ,200 people today, which feels like a 10th of a real person and that's enough for me to not do it.

[161] Facts probably say otherwise, right?

[162] Because there's more shootings now.

[163] Stat scientists.

[164] Sure.

[165] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[166] Well.

[167] Come on.

[168] Who wants that?

[169] Who cares about that?

[170] Huey, what a stinky opinion.

[171] Oh, yeah.

[172] You probably wear masks, too.

[173] Jesus.

[174] I have a good Joker story.

[175] I just remembered.

[176] I went to see Joker in the theater, and I was alone in New York, and I was like, you know what?

[177] I hadn't seen it.

[178] I was going in Times Square to go see Joker after work or something.

[179] So I went, and I was like, it was the winter, and I was like, well, I don't want to go on alone into a theater.

[180] And the off chance, someone recognized me. I don't want to just be, like, exposed alone in the middle of a crowded theater.

[181] Yeah, yeah.

[182] So I had a coat on, hat down.

[183] I go in right when the movie's starting.

[184] I get a seat and, like, sit down, and then 10, 15 minutes in to the movie, like, past previews.

[185] The movie started.

[186] Two people come in and, like, excuse me, sir, we reserved this seat online in advance.

[187] You're actually in our seat.

[188] Okay.

[189] And I was like, whoa.

[190] And I was in the middle of a row.

[191] And I was like, there were other seats, too.

[192] I was like, I, this movie's already started.

[193] Yeah.

[194] I think you've lost your seating privileges.

[195] And then in my mind, I'm thinking, you're about to see the Joker.

[196] Do you really want to fuck with a guy who's in a trench coat alone in Times Square watching the Joker?

[197] You know, I was like, this is not your battle.

[198] I'm saying away from that guy.

[199] There's a lot of red flags there.

[200] I got to say, you just made me think of one of my bigger hurdles getting over being recognizable.

[201] in public is that I loved eating by myself and I love going to movies by myself, two of my favorite activities.

[202] And I got all of a sudden so self -conscious about that.

[203] Like, they're probably like, God, I would have thought that life would be more fun.

[204] I would have thought that guy had a lot of friends.

[205] You know, I just start filling in this narrative for everyone that's seeing me. You're basically, you know, I'm not just blowing it for you.

[206] You're blowing it for the idea of Hollywood.

[207] A thousand percent.

[208] They're like, this is what it is now, I guess.

[209] An iconoclass, just by going by myself.

[210] This is the best that gets.

[211] Sharky's pizza or whatever the fuck it's called.

[212] Shakies.

[213] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[214] Well, there's Shaky's pizza, but I was actually thinking of Sharksis, the Woodfire Grill, which is a healthy chickens and stuff.

[215] It's great.

[216] I'm in there by myself all the time.

[217] You could see me at any moment.

[218] We're clearly operating at different pizza levels where I'm like, have you heard of Shakies?

[219] Weirdly enough, I got invited to this gale's party 15 years ago.

[220] And we went, and she was throwing a party, but she was only renting the guest house.

[221] And it turned out she was renting the guest house of the shaky pizza family.

[222] Whoa.

[223] And they're on, I don't know, 11 acres.

[224] They have a fucking pond with swans and stuff, the shaky pizza people.

[225] It's the best now that we're getting into an era.

[226] And that's even a highbrow relative to other ones, like the shaky's pizza airs.

[227] Yeah.

[228] You know, the people that take that over.

[229] And it's going to get so much weirder when you go down the line of TikTok fortunes and.

[230] of these people.

[231] You know the like Johnson and Johnson people are like, wow, this is really gone to shit.

[232] Oh, yeah.

[233] Or you're on the East Coast.

[234] When you guys would go south, I imagine you grew up in Stanton Island.

[235] Did you guys like go on a yearly vacation to Florida?

[236] We went to Disney World.

[237] And pretty much the only place we went were parks out west.

[238] We would like fly to Denver and then just drive around.

[239] This is why you love Teddy Roosevelt.

[240] It's among many reasons, yes, of course.

[241] Yeah, it's so funny.

[242] The book comes out.

[243] like, Teddy Roosevelt, who I learned about, and launch got delayed and it comes out the same week.

[244] They're like ripping down the statue of Teddy Roosevelt.

[245] I'm like, oh, wow, I didn't know that was going to sink up so well.

[246] Yeah, no reference is safe, I don't think, at this point.

[247] Okay, so you're from Stanton Island, and your mom's a doctor, and she worked for the fire department, and your father was a teacher, and you were a very bright kid, and you went to a special school that I presume you've tested into, were at some point.

[248] Yeah.

[249] And then you were commuting this insane distance public mass transit prior to Malcolm Gladwell's tipping point with them turning around the subway system, right?

[250] It is like a graffiti -laden, people smoking crack.

[251] It's quite a commute, right, back then?

[252] Yeah, it was definitely, I'm sure, better than it was in like the 70s in New York.

[253] But it was still like, you know, still in the early phases of let's clean up or act kind of vibe.

[254] And it was just, it was long, You know, as a kid more in night, it's the weirder part.

[255] Coming home, you know, the sunsets at 5 o 'clock or something.

[256] And so I would usually be coming home at 7 or 8 or 9.

[257] And usually alone, if every that hour, I would commute in with other kids from Staten Island.

[258] But then you didn't sync up your schedules coming back.

[259] So you'd sometimes be alone.

[260] And that was pretty weird, you know, like intimidating.

[261] Yeah.

[262] So I'm six years older than you.

[263] And I took a road trip there when I was 18 in New York.

[264] And we wanted to go to Harlem.

[265] And we went about two in the morning.

[266] And a gentleman on the subway car said, hey, do you mind if I smoke?

[267] And we're like, of course not.

[268] We were smokers at the time.

[269] And then he pulled out a crack pipe and started smoking and was like, okay, this is great.

[270] It's kind of what we wanted to see, but also a different kind of smoking we were expecting.

[271] Also, wow, most polite crackings.

[272] Yeah, you can.

[273] I didn't know that was the style.

[274] Like just to pardon me, sirs.

[275] Might I partake?

[276] Would anyone be offended if I enjoyed some in cinderaries right now.

[277] Some Shuckies Brands.

[278] That just made me think, though, that you're from that area.

[279] Did you read the first tycoon by chance?

[280] Yes.

[281] The first second is the Vanderbilt.

[282] Yes, yes.

[283] Cornelius had no idea that, first of all, he's obviously from Staten Island, builds this crazy empire.

[284] Cornelius Vanderbilt was, I think, adjusted for inflation, like the fourth richest man in history.

[285] Yeah, I think he was the first to $100 million.

[286] back when the total GDP of the country was maybe like 900 million.

[287] It was like 200.

[288] Yeah, like I think he had discernible percentage of the overall wealth of the country.

[289] And he's the most Staten Island guy in retrospect because his business started with ferries, which I think is the thing we're most known for.

[290] And then the other part that I didn't even realize the lineage of, which is that he then leads to Gloria Vanderbilt, who I always heard as this, you know, high society name in New York.

[291] And then that Anderson Cooper is her.

[292] grandson?

[293] No, that's his mother.

[294] That's his mother.

[295] Yes, that's his mother.

[296] So Anderson Cooper is tied to Cornelius Vanderbilt, Staten Island, merchant, whatever, empire guy.

[297] He, whatever, I think Empire guy is the preferred term.

[298] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[299] And I did, I had no idea that that, that odd connection.

[300] Yeah, and he was just so blue collar.

[301] That's why I liked him.

[302] And then, you know, as a kid, I had gone to the Biltmore House in North Carolina.

[303] Did you ever go there in Asheville?

[304] I don't think I ever went.

[305] Sounds like a trip of your parents would have taken you on because it's a beautiful you know uh blue ridge parkway it's beautiful mountains and then ashrills is cute town and the built more house which i had visited as a kid was the vanderbilt money and i i assumed it was his but then come to find out after reading the book it was his children built the biggest house in america with his money you know they just fucked it all up in one generation yeah classic kids yeah i'm sure my if my parents are listening to this now they're going to be really upset they didn't bring me there now that you've called it out and they were like, oh, we missed this cultural opportunity.

[306] Well, I hope they feel deep shame and remorse.

[307] The place, if we're talking about weird places to visit, the place I will plug that I went to randomly in Delaware in Wilmington was Winterthur, which is the estate of, I think it was the DuPonts.

[308] Oh, sure.

[309] And it is a madhouse.

[310] You go in, it's like a hundred rooms.

[311] And each room is a completely different style of American, you know, design, and then in the middle, the coolest thing is in the middle of the house, they got, one of the departments bought four different old homes, like in from New England.

[312] Okay.

[313] And took the facade off of all four and built a room in the middle of the house where those are the four walls.

[314] Oh my gosh.

[315] And it's a cobblestone floor.

[316] So you go into the middle of the house and it looks like you're in a courtyard outside in New England.

[317] In the winter, they have like, fake snow that comes down, a Christmas tree.

[318] Kids go into like, hear story.

[319] It's this magical weird room.

[320] That sounds very ripe to go do mushrooms in.

[321] Oh, yeah.

[322] I think they distribute them.

[323] I think they're part of the, yeah.

[324] They're going to be really happy about that plug, except for the mushroom.

[325] The disappointed mushroom room.

[326] The other great one, sorry, that we're talking about.

[327] This is what happens when you're a stand -up comedian.

[328] You have the day free.

[329] Yeah.

[330] And so you really get to explore the things that, you know, Museum of Death.

[331] I want to go check that out, all that stuff.

[332] But the other great one is outside of Phoenix, Arizona, there's this place called, I think it's called like the Magic House or the Crystal Castle, whatever.

[333] It's something like that.

[334] And it's this guy from, I think he was from Washington State.

[335] He got sick and he didn't tell his family.

[336] His wife, kids, he was just like, you know what, I'm just going to get out of here.

[337] I'll figure it out on my own.

[338] He goes to Phoenix to help his lungs.

[339] they're like, oh, I guess he wandered into the ocean with stones in his feet or something.

[340] And then he goes to Phoenix and he buys this old plot of land and as his lungs start getting better and he beats this illness, he just starts collecting rocks, gems, pieces of glass, stuff he finds and he just starts building his own house.

[341] Oh, wow.

[342] From what he digs out of the ground, including like precious metals, whatever.

[343] And he finds like gold and he finds treasure.

[344] Wow.

[345] And he built in this crazy, beautiful house he's built out of all these things.

[346] He builds like a secret chamber with a treasure chest.

[347] And he lives there and he starts drinking heavily with locals.

[348] And he builds a bar in a like Goonies -style dumbwaiter that brings him drinks.

[349] A lot of it's alcohol -related.

[350] And then eventually after like 10 or 15 years of doing this, he writes a letter to his family.

[351] And it's like, surprise, I'm alive.

[352] So they're like, what the fuck's wrong with you?

[353] And he goes, hey, why don't you come by?

[354] I built a house.

[355] You're invited.

[356] And then he's like, but I don't trust you.

[357] So you have to live in my house I've built for a year before I tell you where the treasure is.

[358] Oh, my goodness.

[359] And if you're that wife, you must have been like, what fuck you, dude.

[360] Oh, yeah, I'm just, I'm not going to get the treasure after that.

[361] The drinking doesn't surprise me. This is one of the most addicty stories I've ever heard.

[362] Like, I would have been able to predict that guy was a hardcore addict just from the onset.

[363] He could not.

[364] have been vulnerable in front of his family.

[365] That was unacceptable.

[366] Better to just walk to Phoenix.

[367] Yes.

[368] And they construct a home out of precious metals.

[369] But it's actually a genuinely cool house to see and you're amazed that a human could slowly build it himself.

[370] Yeah, yeah.

[371] That weirdly interests me if I'm being dead honest.

[372] That seems like a cool goal to have.

[373] I'll find a link and say, thank you.

[374] It's worth it.

[375] It's worth a trip.

[376] If you got an hour to kill on the way to the Phoenix International Airport, check it out.

[377] So in this accelerated, gifted school you're going to that then lands you in Harvard.

[378] Throughout that whole course, what was the goal?

[379] How did comedy present itself?

[380] Hold on.

[381] I'm going to pause you.

[382] I just want you to know because I've read part of your book that you hate talking about yourself.

[383] So just it's the greatest premise for an interview.

[384] So I already know you hate this.

[385] That's great.

[386] Can I just talk about more castles I've seen?

[387] Well, handmade castles.

[388] I'm trying to build enough of that in there for you as little like breathers.

[389] I'll bring up other Patricia.

[390] and stuff.

[391] In my mind, now you'll know I'm building a small castle out of the story in order to distract myself.

[392] I didn't have a specific goal.

[393] I think with comedy and performing and writing, my goal was to make sure I always was around other people who did it and ideally had a job doing something in that world.

[394] And I had a sense enough, which we both know, obviously, how much of a crapshoot this industry that we are now in is.

[395] Yeah.

[396] And I think even starting out, I thought, I don't know where this is going to go.

[397] But if I have some kind of job with people that are funny, I'm going to be happy doing that, whatever it is, at least starting out.

[398] That was the goal to do something in that world.

[399] And then, of course, over time, your goals change.

[400] But at some point, you get yourself into the Harvard Lampoon and you become the editor, yeah.

[401] It's funny.

[402] The National Harvard Lampoon connection is such a strange one because most people, if they hear I was in the lampoon, they're like, oh yeah, he did National Lampoon.

[403] But, you know, people don't even know the sort of origin of it.

[404] And I didn't, of course.

[405] But there were people who were from the Harvard Lampoon that started the National Lampoon.

[406] Oh, like post -graduation they wanted to.

[407] Post -graduation in like the 60s, 70s, it was kind of the same people that were doing spy magazine and like early, really important comedy things.

[408] And National Lampoon did a yearbook.

[409] And then they did the movies.

[410] And they did those, what I grew up thinking of where the classics, like Chevy Chi, you know, the vacation movies.

[411] And then, I don't know when it is, somewhere in the 90s maybe, all the people that did all those classic things that we loved sold it.

[412] Oh.

[413] And so then there was no longer a comedy connection.

[414] It was like an different unrelated business entity.

[415] Yeah.

[416] So like, then anything that comes after that period is not really tethered to any comedic take.

[417] in the same way.

[418] So like something comes out now and it might say nationally a Poon, but it has no correlation.

[419] But that's now the brand everyone knows.

[420] Yeah.

[421] You know, it's a very weird thing.

[422] So yes, anyway, so that happened a long time ago.

[423] So I was on Lampin writing and I became president of it when I was a junior there.

[424] I think I was talking Mike Scher about it when I interviewed him.

[425] And I guess my fantasy of what you did is that you went to Hogwarts and sure was like, it was awesome and it's not Hogwarts and it's just another place you find yourself and you're like oh this is cool but none of these accomplishments really end up infusing themselves into your self -esteem or your your identity right it's like you're waiting for something magic to happen because you've arrived at this place you can't imagine you could have ever gotten to and then there's really no accompanying feeling of like boom I'm awesome or was there I will say to me it kind of was Hogwarts.

[426] Oh, good.

[427] Like, truly, but not in a way I got there and I thought I was awesome.

[428] The opposite, I got there and I was like, oh, there's real wizards.

[429] You know what I mean?

[430] Like, I'm not one, but there are, like, when I started there, like, the kids who were a year or two older than me, who were now, you know, have written for great shows, running great shows all over, were just the funniest people I'd ever seen.

[431] And it was like seeing magic in the sense of, that sounds lame, but they were so fucking funny that I was like oh my god I wish I could be that yeah so it was both Hogwarts and very deflating because you know I thought I was relatively funny among my friends and I could make my friends laugh and then you suddenly meet these people that are like super funny and intimidating yeah and you're like oh my god it's the same as when you start as a comedian you go to someplace like the comedy seller or the comedy store and you're like okay I'm getting my feet at this and then you see people who are who are already at the top of their game and it's sort of demoralizing.

[432] I understand what Mike's saying about it, but also for me, I like preserving that memory because, you know, it's so rare you ever get to feel that.

[433] And it was like getting into this crazy thing.

[434] And it changed my life.

[435] You know, I mean, I never would have known about this as a, as a potential craft and profession if I hadn't gotten in there.

[436] It was so much more than I even expected that when I started applying to write at a magazine, you know.

[437] Yeah, did you have the awareness, because I have to imagine, it's the very fastest track to being considered for employment as a TV writer, is to have been a Harvard Lampoon writer.

[438] I bet there's a good correlation.

[439] I think there used to be more of one than now.

[440] Oh, okay.

[441] I think, I bet if you looked at sort of the stats of it, I bet in like the 90s, there was probably a, it was like a great track.

[442] Yeah.

[443] And now, I don't know if it necessarily correlates.

[444] And I think there's probably a lot of people that write there now and go do something else, like become lawyers or become whatever, something unrelated.

[445] Yeah.

[446] The crazy advantage you have coming from there is the people that are really doing it, you spent almost your whole college career just writing comedy and performing, but you've basically just done that and intensively with other people who think that's an acceptable way to live your life.

[447] Yeah.

[448] And so that's pretty rare in college that you have an organization.

[449] that the infrastructure for that, where you're putting in all those Gladwell -style hours before you actually start in the world, you know?

[450] Yeah.

[451] Was SNL your first writing job?

[452] No, I worked for a newspaper.

[453] I was a journalist and I wrote for a local newspaper.

[454] Yeah.

[455] On Staten Island.

[456] I started commuting back home.

[457] You shit your pants, put it in the mom's washer and didn't, yeah, yeah.

[458] You know, I shit my pants here and there to keep them honest.

[459] Sure, sure, sure.

[460] And then I got a job writing in an animated show that was.

[461] was for Nickelodeon, but I think never aired or then aired on like a subsidiary of Nickelodeon.

[462] It was called Kappa Mikey, and it was a mix of Japanese anime and American pop art, I guess is how it was described to me. That's great.

[463] Pop art cartoons, like a fish out of water where an American pop art character gets cast in a Japanese anime.

[464] sitcom.

[465] And the title is Kappa Mikey, which I guess is a play on Kappa Maki, which I still am not even aware is a type of sushi maybe.

[466] Oh my goodness.

[467] And the characters in it, I mean.

[468] Talk about another great mushroom thing.

[469] Please.

[470] It's like a thing that I think is only available on physical DVDs that are not set for the region we live in.

[471] They're like region three.

[472] It's like only Eastern Europe, but it's set in Japan.

[473] It's just nothing makes sense about it.

[474] It's, so we did, I did that for a while, and we had to write full half -hour episodes of it.

[475] And we had no idea how to do that.

[476] There were obviously some issues perhaps with the show, character flaws.

[477] Sure, sure.

[478] And I think as it was going, Nickelodeon was essentially losing all confidence in the idea of children's programming.

[479] Do you remember the inciting incident?

[480] Because that's, I got to know that.

[481] How did the pop artist end up?

[482] in that fish out of water scenario.

[483] God, that's a great question.

[484] I guess he, I think it was kind of a Mr. baseball set up where he was a star in America and they bring him to Japan and it's all going to be, you know, gravy.

[485] But is it?

[486] Yeah, it turns out there's some, there's an adjustment here.

[487] Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.

[488] What's up, guys, it's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[489] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[490] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[491] And I don't mean just friends.

[492] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[493] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[494] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[495] We've all been there.

[496] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[497] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[498] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started showing jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[499] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[500] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[501] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[502] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[503] Prime members can listen early and ad free on Amazon Music.

[504] Right when I read the introduction of your book, there's a couple things that immediately I so relate to.

[505] One is you got a great quote.

[506] Yeah, it was Joan Diddy.

[507] I don't know what I think until I write it down.

[508] Joan Didion.

[509] She's a writer I really love.

[510] Her memoirs are really incredible.

[511] And I read her in high school first and then kind of just on and off throughout my life.

[512] She was in L .A. for a long time.

[513] And she wrote a really great thing about, I think it's called the White Album, about being in L .A. Right before all the Manson murders.

[514] Ooh.

[515] And what the vibe was there.

[516] and she said she almost wasn't surprised by the murders.

[517] Like it felt like that kind of thing was coming.

[518] Oh.

[519] And the way she sets it up and sort of, you know, sets the scene for that is really, is cool, a perspective from that era.

[520] Have you seen that documentary?

[521] It's about this guy who owned this health food store on sunset and then he created his own cult, the most fantastic ending of all time.

[522] This guy takes his cult all over the place.

[523] They end up in Hawaii.

[524] Out of nowhere, he wakes everyone up and says he realizes that he's been wrong.

[525] wrong.

[526] And then the next day he realizes, no, he was right.

[527] And then he's going to prove it by not parasailing, wind gliding, or what do you call it?

[528] Paragliding?

[529] No, that's the safe one with the parachute.

[530] Where you have a wing.

[531] Parasel.

[532] Oh, like squirrel suit five?

[533] Squirrel suiting.

[534] Yeah.

[535] Isn't that a thing?

[536] Yeah, it is.

[537] Hand gliding.

[538] Hang gliding.

[539] So he goes, I'm going to, I'm going to demonstrate that I'm touched by the Lord and I'm going to handglide off the side of this mountain in front of all you and I've never ever tried it.

[540] And then they just all gather and he just jumps off and they fucking dies.

[541] It's incredible and it's real.

[542] But yes, that's the kind of stuff.

[543] He delivers.

[544] That was the context in which Helter Skelter comes to fruition.

[545] People were like, they were testing the boundaries of all things here in L .A. in the 70s.

[546] Yeah.

[547] Wow, that's a great, I guess God doesn't exist, right?

[548] He really proved it.

[549] That was my takeaway.

[550] I know you're Catholic.

[551] I wonder if all those people were like, wow, I guess, whoof.

[552] We've been like, Let us stray.

[553] I hope there was one comedian there that really took the piss out of the whole thing after he landed.

[554] Yeah, it was immediately like, I think that went well.

[555] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[556] Yelling after, we still believe in you?

[557] This doesn't change a thing for me. What I really loved about that quote is you maybe also can relate is you have all these things swirling your head and sometimes it's really hard to get them out in a way that makes any kind of sense.

[558] and you go back and forth and you see all sides of something.

[559] And then when you actually sit down to write it, you feel like you're actually putting your thoughts on record in a way that's more structured or more that's a little deeper and you feel like I can stand by it.

[560] There's obviously a balance because you want to keep it conversational and you want to keep it.

[561] To me, it was always trying to get back to what's the tightest version or the funniest version of telling the story so that just on an entertainment level for people reading it because I think of that when I'm reading always, like how do you get to it the fastest you can.

[562] But I think you stumble on how you really feel about something when you have a little distance from and you go back and you reflect and you write about it.

[563] Yeah, I just related so much at the time that stuck out the most is my father died and about three months after the event and I was there for the whole shebang and I still was having no emotional connection to the event and it was very confusing to me to the point where I was, I remembered like, oh, I know the solution to this.

[564] I have to write this experience out and I did and then I was reading it to my wife and then all of a sudden all these emotions I had no attachment to were just all right there like it finally made sense to me in some way that opened me up emotionally to it and I've had many experiences like that through writing that are amazing yeah it's a way for you to organize both your thoughts and your emotions about it and kind of how to face your emotions when you're in situations like that.

[565] So then I'm wondering, too, if we have any similarity.

[566] And your line saying, I have always been writing a book in my head, right?

[567] Or I had always known I wanted to write a book.

[568] And I, too, have had that since, like, 12 years old.

[569] And I know a lot of it is just straight narcissism that I thought it was important enough that someone should read my thought.

[570] So that's probably number one.

[571] But number two is this love affair I had with books, as have you, and I think what I loved about it is I'm going to school and I have friends, but I'm also feeling like no one's having the experience I'm having.

[572] And then I would find these books that felt safe in that, oh, wow, yeah, another person's contemplating this stuff or they're questioning the rules of life and society.

[573] It gave me companionship for thoughts I thought no one else had.

[574] Yeah, you know, and as you're saying it, I'm realizing the other element of it that's not in the book is, I've always kind of felt in a almost famous way, you know, like the movie where I've always felt slightly removed from a lot of the situations that I've been in and that I've been going through.

[575] I've always a little bit felt outside of what's happening, not fully in it.

[576] And that's why I think I've been able to write about some of those episodes with clarity because I felt that sense of being removed of not really belonging.

[577] but having enough of an outsider's view of it to be able to write about it.

[578] I'm talking too much about myself, right?

[579] No, I think's great.

[580] Guys, things are great.

[581] You know what it is?

[582] You know what's happening?

[583] You want to know what's happening interpersonally is I think you're a great writer and I want you to respect me. I can tell that that is what's happening.

[584] That's what's happening.

[585] Really?

[586] Yeah.

[587] I think you're a really great writer and I want you to think I'm a good writer or at least am interested in writing for the same reasons as you even if I'm not good like you.

[588] It's sweet.

[589] I think that's exactly what's happening.

[590] It's nice that you can see it and get out of here.

[591] I've always respected you and always heard tremendous things about you from Seth, too.

[592] Oh, I love him.

[593] Of Seth Myers, who loves you too.

[594] So he was always very high on you always.

[595] And so your reputation preceding him.

[596] Oh, wonderful.

[597] He's another person I desperately wanted to think I was smart.

[598] Of course.

[599] Me too, still.

[600] That never goes away, I think.

[601] You know, you're like, oh, God, I hope I'm okay.

[602] So when you thought your life would ultimately lead up to you writing this book.

[603] At that time, of course, didn't know that you would end up being the headwriter on S &L or write there for 15 years or be the host of Weekend Update for six years.

[604] What was the reason you thought, you know, you should write a book?

[605] I don't know how else to ask it.

[606] Honestly, the only reason I thought I would write it, especially right now, is I thought the stories would be funny.

[607] That's the only thing I really want people to take.

[608] I wasn't trying to write a particularly like inspiring book or really educate people.

[609] I hope that people read it and there's certain things that they learn about S &L.

[610] They learn about comedy.

[611] They learn about stand -up.

[612] Like I do think if you're a comedy nerd, you'll learn things.

[613] Yeah.

[614] But the real reason I wanted to write it was there were enough chapters where I thought, oh, I think this story is funny.

[615] And I think people would laugh at it and would be entertained.

[616] They would read it and be like, oh, I'm glad I heard that story.

[617] There were enough of them that I thought, oh, I could do this book.

[618] And that was like the backbone of it.

[619] Like, you know, I think people would think that the backbone of the book is behind the scenes at S &L or whatever my origin story is that I'm getting to it.

[620] But in my mind, the backbone is like the really weird stories, like getting seriously injured at a virtual reality incident at Google or having Jimmy Buffett save my life while we're surfing.

[621] Those, to me, those are actually the backbone of the book.

[622] book, because I'm like, that's the kind of thing I want people to read.

[623] How did you get injured at Google, and what an ironic place to get injured?

[624] It's a long story that will elicit too much anger from me to tell.

[625] I do think if people listen to the audiobook and you listen to that chapter, you will hear violent rage in my voice to this day.

[626] When I retell that, you will sense how angry I still am.

[627] like it immediately conjures up that anger.

[628] That's great.

[629] How negligent the people working there were, how dumb, how truly dumb they were.

[630] And the fact that it's at Google, I have a quote at the beginning of the chapter that says, like, you should have sued, which is every friend, and I quote every friend I tell a story to, even now, friends of mine who read the story for the first time after they read it, go, you should sue.

[631] genuinely why are you not suing and it's it's real it's a really great corporate negligence moment is it just the perfect intersection of their like overconfidence in their genius yes i'm not going to give them the credit of the genius part of it i'm just going to say overconfidence like maybe they were so smart that it went full circle and they came back around to fully it you know but they really oh man it was it was really and of course any friend I told it to had zero sympathy for me you know I went to the emergency room and had stitches and an MRI bits of chunk of my bone floating around in under my skin my friends could not stop laughing I told they were like I couldn't even finish the story they were crying laughing at me yeah oh that's lovely now I know you told that in stern but I I really our audience is almost the opposite of Venn diagram yeah it's mostly gals but I have weeded out the weaker ones.

[632] I tell so many poop stories that you couldn't have made it to this episode if you were allergic to them.

[633] I'm going to hit you with ones as an act of good faith, okay?

[634] Please.

[635] Okay.

[636] So I move into a new house 15 years ago.

[637] It has an extra fridge in the garage.

[638] That to me is what rich people had.

[639] I was so thrilled to have an extra fridge.

[640] I went to Costco.

[641] I bought a palette of drinks, drinks that I had never had.

[642] I buy all these drinks I don't normally ever consume.

[643] And I discover I love Pellegrino.

[644] And I'm drinking.

[645] I'm drinking.

[646] like the big leader one every night and it's like my cocktail hour I'm into it right I'm at home depot I'm building a fence in my backyard I bend over to pick up all this lumber and I think I can fart and then I just fill myself I just fill up and I am so far away from the bathroom it's the opposite end of home depot and I'm aware of that there's cameras and I'm also aware of that I'm on TV so I'm trying to walk to the bathroom and there's just so much and I'm like pinching my bottom of my legs and trying to.

[647] Tying off the legs.

[648] Turn a kidding.

[649] Turn a kidding.

[650] We say in this business that you're in.

[651] And I make it to the bathroom and like you, I just, I have to ditch the underwear.

[652] And then this doesn't occur to me to later, but conveniently, there is a full -sized trash can in each stall of the Home Depot.

[653] I later realize, oh, this is happening around the clock at Home Depot.

[654] Obviously, why else would there be full -sized trash cans, right?

[655] It's a really humiliating one.

[656] It's so humiliating that when I get home, I go, you're so arrogant.

[657] You have IBS and you're just ignoring it.

[658] So I go online and I learn about an IBS diet.

[659] I start this IBS diet.

[660] I'm a week into it.

[661] I have a friend come over and visit my new house, go out to the second fridge.

[662] Hey, would you like a Pellegrino?

[663] He goes, oh, man, I can't drink those.

[664] I shit my pants when I drink Pellegrino.

[665] And I go, oh my God, that's what's been happening for the last three months.

[666] And then I stopped drinking Pellegrino.

[667] And by God, it all cleared up.

[668] but I had self -diagnosed myself with IBS.

[669] And I was just kind of wondering, before you tell one of your glorious ones, has that ever occurred to you that maybe you had IBS or if you've tried like a diet or anything?

[670] Well, let's get to that.

[671] But we just have a quick break to thank our sponsors, Pellegrino.

[672] Pellegrino, some people, some people can hold it down.

[673] And Home Depot, thanks.

[674] Please don't use the display toilets at Home Depot.

[675] Thank you for using the real bathroom.

[676] Putting full -sized trash cans in public bathrooms since 1996.

[677] Oh, man, Home Depot.

[678] That is a long, that is a long walk.

[679] Luckily high, luckily high ceilings, though, for the smell, it's good.

[680] And no one's in the wood aisle, thank God.

[681] Okay, your turn.

[682] Yes, your turn.

[683] So you're golfing.

[684] Well, I'm going to just, I'm going to go rogue.

[685] I'm because I just remembered another story.

[686] Oh, good.

[687] That's unrelated.

[688] Would you like to hear that?

[689] Yes.

[690] A novel, a novel proprietary story?

[691] Oh, my God.

[692] I was on a double date.

[693] I like where this is starting.

[694] Double date with a new girlfriend and another couple.

[695] We went to see if a movie, I can tell you that this will really date me because the film was kiss, kiss, bang, bang.

[696] Oh, great movie, great movie.

[697] Really liked it.

[698] Yeah, yeah.

[699] It was hard for me to focus.

[700] So me, other couple, we all walk into the theater, I'm like, oh, I just have to, P, I'll meet you guys in the theater.

[701] The other three go into the theater.

[702] I go in to use the urinal.

[703] And then while I'm there, something sneaks out the back while I'm sort of taking care of business in the front.

[704] And then I'm like, oh, my God.

[705] So then I go into the stall, lock the stall.

[706] I'm like, I just got to get this cleaned up and then get back in there.

[707] And I sit at what is, I guess, miraculously, a malfunctioning toilet that, essentially goes like one of those automatic ones that start shooting water up and it was like it was like violently off like not working well so as I'm attempting to like kind of sort of clean up this thing is exploding upwards every couple second every time I lean forward it explodes upward and it's so what I thought I could get a kind of get away with it instead it's like just spreading every it's spraying everywhere I'm in the I'm in the the movie hasn't started I'm in the in the for like 20 minutes while my date is with another couple probably having to make excuses like oh he probably went to get us some stuff at the snack bar you know whatever and then i eventually get out of there go into the theater sit down and i have i it's winter so i take my coat off and i sit next or put my coat over me of course say i'm feeling a little cold then i say i'm actually super cold.

[708] Can I borrow your coat?

[709] Oh, wow.

[710] No. I borrow her coat, put her coat over my coat.

[711] And then we watch the entirety of Kiss Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang in that state.

[712] Afterwards, I excuse myself and say, I'm really not feeling well.

[713] I think I should sprint away from this movie theater.

[714] And I do that.

[715] And that was really kind of the end of the courtship.

[716] Oh, wow.

[717] Yeah, when you're on minute 19 in there, you must be evaluating like best case scenario they think I've just taken a long dump I mean that's as good as it's going to get best case scenario yes when that's what you're praying for and that is also it was it was basically like you know the scene in old I Love Lucy episodes where all the chocolates are coming and they can't they're trying to like eat the on the conveyor belt it was that level it was that level of physical comedy perhaps in reverse with this toilet going off like it was truly you couldn't you wouldn't believe it as a bit on television it was so it was a set piece you were involved in a set piece that's what I've discovered and I guess that's why I read the book I've been involved in like 20 great set pieces in my life that would all go great in a movie and I want I want people to know just the set piece with none of the none of the heart none of the movie yeah no redemption just no redemption no heart no heart Just the set pieces.

[718] Oh, my gosh.

[719] I have a quick question, because you started by saying that you don't like talking about yourself.

[720] Why is that?

[721] Are you just private?

[722] Yeah, I think it's probably, you know, I talk about a little bit.

[723] I'm a little bit an Irish Catholic.

[724] I'm Irish Catholic and German.

[725] And those are both pretty repressed emotionally repressed people.

[726] Except for it was shit.

[727] You know, Germans love to talk about shit.

[728] Which they do.

[729] Yeah.

[730] They do.

[731] That is a real.

[732] There's a scatological.

[733] bent within that culture.

[734] Yes.

[735] Yeah.

[736] Love it.

[737] Love it.

[738] And so I think that's where it's come back.

[739] I don't know.

[740] I just I like it's easier now.

[741] It's actually been fun doing this when the book comes out because I can talk about the book and it's fun.

[742] And I always like talking about what I've worked on that has a story to it.

[743] It's just weird when it's you're talking about yourself in a vacuum.

[744] That's the part that feels weird.

[745] Yeah.

[746] Yeah.

[747] I'm not promoting a book and look how much I talked about myself.

[748] And I feel great.

[749] I feel I never felt better.

[750] Well, there's perhaps a reason I have lots of anxiety inside.

[751] I'm not doing the same thing, you know.

[752] Were you at the Chappelle?

[753] His award that.

[754] Mark Twain Award?

[755] Yes.

[756] And you were with Michael Shea, right?

[757] And you made this amazing joke.

[758] And I want you to remind me of it.

[759] Yeah, it was really, first of all, that whole weekend was so cool, like being there.

[760] It was such a fun.

[761] And it's got to be the most fun, Mark.

[762] between award ceremony.

[763] I mean, the whole thing started with Morgan Freeman singing a Prince song with a giant marching band.

[764] I mean, that's pretty awesome.

[765] So we went down there and we didn't know that we were even going to be presenting or saying anything.

[766] Like, we were just going to be supportive and because we love Dave and we wanted to be there and we were happy to be invited, you know?

[767] And then when we got there, they were like, you know, it might be good if you guys did something kind of just, you know, speak from the heart and say something, you know, and then we're like, oh, even more nervous.

[768] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[769] That's not really what we do.

[770] And then so that day, like, you know, probably an hour or two before, me and Chey and were kind of texting, like, what are you going to say or what are you going to say?

[771] And Keenan went first and was really thoughtful and really, and learned so much from Chappelle and looked up to him for so long.

[772] And it was really sweet.

[773] And on behalf of S &L, too.

[774] And Chey went south.

[775] And also really, like really super funny and that, you know, he knows him well, but also sweet, like ended really sincerely about how much Chappelle meant to him through the years.

[776] And then it went to me and I was like, and I'm here to talk about Mark Twain.

[777] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[778] And it was like, it was like white guy bringing it back to Mark Twos.

[779] All my friends, all the comedians in the afterwards came up to me because they know everything that like they know.

[780] They know.

[781] the inner workings, all these things, but they didn't know what was happening.

[782] And they all kept telling me how scared they were for me. As it led up to me, they were like, holy shit.

[783] What is Colin going to say after this?

[784] It's going to be awful.

[785] Yeah, my thoughts in order were, why is he on that stage?

[786] This is a mistake.

[787] Yes, correct.

[788] Totally correct.

[789] And then even more importantly, now that he's there, why is he ending it?

[790] He should have started and the guys would have topped it.

[791] Each guy would have topped it.

[792] But he's now got to top those two things.

[793] He can't.

[794] But you did.

[795] But you did.

[796] I started reading a passage from Mark Twain and I was like, oh, some of the language I really can't.

[797] You know, you get it, guys.

[798] And I kept saying how, like, how Mark Twain, that's comedy.

[799] Like, that's fun.

[800] You know, and trying to remind everyone there.

[801] But as it built, you know, I know what's coming.

[802] And as it builds, you know, as Keenan's talking and as Shay's talking and they are doing a masterful job.

[803] Yeah.

[804] It's a real all or nothing moment.

[805] It's like either that moment hits.

[806] or it is brutal.

[807] Yeah.

[808] And it really was, I was so relieved and so happy that it worked.

[809] Is that the best laugh you've ever gotten of your career?

[810] I would say it's probably the biggest laugh I've gotten to my life.

[811] Yeah.

[812] And most rewarding, like, to look up and see Chappelle laughing.

[813] Oh, my God.

[814] I felt so relieved.

[815] Yeah.

[816] And on top of just being there was like a crazy treat.

[817] Yeah.

[818] And then that work.

[819] And, you know, it's in front of all your idols who are there.

[820] And it's all, you're in front of John Stewart and you're there.

[821] And also all your peers, like you're there with Michelle Wolf watching and your Lauren's there watching, you know, and you so don't want to blow it.

[822] And also, you want to make them laugh.

[823] Yeah.

[824] And the fact that they afterwards were like, that was, that was awesome.

[825] I mean, that really was like a great, great moment in my life.

[826] Yeah.

[827] Yeah.

[828] Yeah, making heroes laugh is a tasty, rare, wonderful feeling.

[829] Yeah.

[830] And also, I so rarely ever feel back.

[831] You know, like, I so rarely am.

[832] First of all, I rarely am doing comedy around the people, like all these comedians that I, because, you know, I'm really usually in our studio audience at S &L.

[833] So to have the chance and to not totally blow it was cool.

[834] Now, the other thing I thought about when I was thinking about you being there for 15 years, and having gotten 500 sketches on the air, again, I'm going to relate myself to you, even though I have no business doing it.

[835] But when I was in the ground lanes, my entire life was mining for sketches.

[836] And it was, you know, insufferable for my girlfriend at the time.

[837] If we're at a restaurant and a guy just puts his pen away in an interesting way, I'm like, oh, my God, I think I could build.

[838] And then what's he do?

[839] Does he put the silverware weird?

[840] You know, like, I just, you need to fill that fucking furnace.

[841] Is that your life?

[842] Are you on scan?

[843] Have you figured out how to turn that off?

[844] Like, what's that part of your life?

[845] No, I never really turn it off.

[846] I mean, I still definitely write down, if not every day, then most days, an idea for a sketch.

[847] Every day, there's something that goes into a file for stand -up or that goes into a file for sketches or goes into a file for a movie I'm working on, you know, that's constant.

[848] But the S &L part of it, you know, we're always, like, among the cast and the writers, like, we're texting each other ideas for sketches in the summer that you, just because it's exciting to think about.

[849] And a lot of those sketches will eventually each shit at the table read and not work.

[850] But you're always kind of doing it.

[851] And by the way, I think most people who work at our show for a while are also still thinking about sketches years after they're on the show.

[852] I mean, people still from the 70s and 80s, like Dan Aykroyd will sometimes just send Lauren a sketch idea.

[853] You know, he's like, what about this?

[854] I thought about this.

[855] And it's funny.

[856] And you're like, wow, he's still in that mindset and still sees things sometimes through that lens or knows when something could be right for the show.

[857] And he's someone that was obviously wrote a ton of stuff for the show in addition to being in the cast.

[858] He was like kind of one of the best of doing both of those things.

[859] So he, you know, the fact that he still has that and that his brain makes me think it'll probably never be out of my brain.

[860] I'm sure I'll be doing the same thing.

[861] And Lauren will be probably rolling his eyes at my ideas in a way that he still treasures damn.

[862] There were so many writers at our show who were great performers who weren't performing on our show and then went on and were, you know, like the people that went through.

[863] Like I talk about some of them in the book, like J .B. Smooth, Jillian Bell, Tim Robinson.

[864] Mike O 'Brien.

[865] Like there's a whole wave of these writers who were...

[866] Oh, so Tim Robinson was a writer?

[867] Yeah, yeah.

[868] And wrote, you know, some of the funniest sketches.

[869] And then a lot of what his show was, you know, I think you should leave.

[870] It's the funniest sketch show I've seen in two decades.

[871] So funny.

[872] And it's like, it's like a perfect sketch show.

[873] You know, there's some of those sketches that he wanted to do even on our show.

[874] Some of them are really fun in a whole other level because you're like, Oh, yeah, I remember that.

[875] Oh, yeah.

[876] How was that not on our show?

[877] It's so funny.

[878] Yeah, he's amazing.

[879] All right, I want to ask you a couple juicy questions.

[880] I am not going to ask you to tell me who, but I am going to ask you, what's some of the worst behavior you've seen from a guest host?

[881] A guest host?

[882] Worst behavior is disappearing, you know, for a couple days is pretty bad behavior, I would say, considering it's only a week.

[883] That's pretty bad behavior.

[884] Yeah, when you miss 40 % of the work?

[885] Yeah, missing things.

[886] The missing things is the hardest because all these people are putting all this work in on the designing a set.

[887] They're getting costumes together.

[888] And if you're not there, that's pretty crazy behavior too.

[889] I mean, that almost never happens.

[890] Yeah.

[891] I would say that's bad.

[892] Bad behavior.

[893] I mean, there's drinking.

[894] I never even know.

[895] I'm also bad at identifying certain things.

[896] Like, someone might be like, oh, they're on pills.

[897] Yeah.

[898] Oh, I would never have.

[899] guess that, but some people know that you can identify it better in other people.

[900] And I, so I'm not the best of that, but peeping some version of inebriated or out of it to the point where it's detrimental.

[901] Can I guess who told you who was on pills?

[902] Yeah, please.

[903] Polar.

[904] Maybe at the time, I don't know if that, that doesn't, I wasn't, I wasn't specifically thinking of her, but.

[905] Her and I's big preoccupation in life is texting each other.

[906] who we just realizes on pills.

[907] That's really funny.

[908] It's such a specific.

[909] The term pills is so, like, seems so broad yet so specific.

[910] Oh, she and I know exactly what we're talking about.

[911] The voice is altered.

[912] One of the eyelids is blinking off syncopation from the other one.

[913] Polar is a uniquely also can really get to the heart of what's going on and can distill it down to this is what this is.

[914] Yes.

[915] You know, in a way, in a way, almost no one else can't.

[916] She and I have this, like, blue -colored chip on her shoulder where we're like, we got you, man, we see your fucking angle.

[917] It's all about who, here's her angle, I got it, and let me warn you about it.

[918] Oh, it's great.

[919] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[920] Okay, this is a bit of advice, I imagine, would actually transcend this whole conversation for people who are in a position where they're either managing.

[921] or they're leading some kind of process.

[922] You have to have discovered in 15 years a beautiful system for letting people know that their idea is not that great.

[923] Have you gotten good at supportively weeding out bad ideas?

[924] I've worked at getting better at just being straightforward about it as much as possible.

[925] I had to work at that because there were definitely years where I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news or I didn't want, you know, it's hard because there is a balance of some of it is you genuinely don't always know or you don't see it yet or something.

[926] You know what I mean?

[927] There is that part of our show, actually part of being in a managerial or headwriting or producing position at our show, is having the self -awareness and the humility to recognize that you don't always know.

[928] what's going to be funny, what's going to work for an audience, what's going to be the hit of the show.

[929] None of us actually know that.

[930] And you have to always remember that.

[931] And that's also why you have to take chances on things that you don't completely see or don't totally understand or they're outside of what you would write or how you would, you know, frame something.

[932] And part of being there a while is letting go of the feeling, feeling like you need to control everything or you need to understand everything.

[933] Some things are just, you know, their own sort of, their own gems that people discover.

[934] And so that's a big part of it.

[935] So you don't always know, but there's times where you think I, I really, as much as I can know, I don't think this is going anywhere.

[936] Yeah.

[937] And I've gotten better of telling people, this just might not be the best use of your time.

[938] Right, because you're not doing them a favor.

[939] Yeah.

[940] If you really see this and you really believe in this and you think this is the thing you most believe in for the week you'll go for it because I'm not going to say absolutely not and pretend I but consider that it might not it's an uphill battle for these reasons and I'll try to be honest about here's the problem I anticipate with the host part in this here's a problem I anticipate with the structure of the piece or how many sets it has or you know why is this four page sketch of eight sests, that seems like a many of things like that can actually be problems.

[941] Things like that I just try to get ahead, troubleshoot some of the issues at least, or say like, talk to some other people, see what they think.

[942] If I'm discouraging you don't let me be the only one, talk to some other people and see what they think too.

[943] Maybe I'm crazy, you know.

[944] Yeah.

[945] Well, I would imagine too, like it's performers specific in cases, right?

[946] Because I remember watching sketches that like Tracy Morgan was in, where I was like, well, I wouldn't know how to write that and I wouldn't even know how to give notes on it.

[947] It's like, you know, won't you bounce out of that green space suit and show me that fat ass?

[948] Like, that's all that needed to happen.

[949] It didn't need to.

[950] You might be in trouble if you did write it for him.

[951] Exactly.

[952] You're like, why would you write that?

[953] Because he can say it and I can't.

[954] I want to hear it said.

[955] Yeah.

[956] Well, the other thing that I'm, I'm really happy with what you do is race.

[957] In that among my black friends and I, we never tire of exploring all these little differences, these cultural differences, I find it always interesting.

[958] And I feel like you and Michael Shea have figured out just the most brilliant way to still fuck with that world and do it like flawlessly where no one's getting punched down upon.

[959] There's some brilliance to the way you guys do that.

[960] I think it's a delicate thing because part of it is like tonnage.

[961] You don't want to be overdoing anything.

[962] You want to have awareness about what.

[963] what's going on.

[964] You want to not make it all about that.

[965] You want those moments to be special in a different way.

[966] And I think a lot of sketches that have been on the show that were some of the best of the last year or two deal with those issues, like deal, like talk about them, you know, get at them in, and I think a really honest way and in a way that allows performers to get into it in an honest way too.

[967] And I think those are some of the most successful sketches of the last couple years.

[968] Well, it's surgery.

[969] You must feel really proud when they work, because it is so precise.

[970] Yeah, well, yeah, when they click, like when the first premise of a sketch like that clicks and you're a little bit relieved, like, oh, the audience is going to go with us on this.

[971] You know, they write each other's jokes?

[972] It's like a bit they do.

[973] He and Michael Shea write each other's jokes, and Michael is always just trying to fucking get him canceled.

[974] It's just, you've come up with a mouse trap by which it's perfect.

[975] Like, it's just, it's brilliant.

[976] It's actually giving Michael the power, which I like, and it's artful.

[977] I like it.

[978] The crazy thing, too, is at dress rehearsal, they're different jokes.

[979] So at dress rehearsal, they're often not related to race.

[980] Oh, okay.

[981] And then suddenly, at air, they are.

[982] Miraculously.

[983] And then my last thing I just want to say is, For me personally, most of my big growth in life is when I've identified another like -minded person and I create this dual identity with that person and I feel safety in that.

[984] And it's allowed me to be at my most confident points when I've felt like two of us are shouldering some thing.

[985] And I wonder if that's what you and Michael have.

[986] I love that he came to your defense when that stupid fucking article was written about you.

[987] I just feel like there must be something really special there.

[988] I was like, truly, I was like, which one?

[989] No, it's great.

[990] I mean, I really feel less anxiety when I'm with Michael about the job, about any job.

[991] Like, anything, anything we do together feels easier and more fun.

[992] And I'm less, yeah, I'm just less worried about what it's going to be.

[993] And I'm more on board to try whatever we're going to do.

[994] And that's a very powerful feeling.

[995] Isn't there almost a failsafe, or even if this thing crashed?

[996] and Burns, you two will walk off stage and you will laugh with each other so hard about what a fucking turd it was that it's almost as rewarding as crushing.

[997] Absolutely.

[998] And that's why you pair up with people at work when you write.

[999] And that's why certain cast members and writers work together.

[1000] You have this thing together where you do, you want someone else there to remember these moments and laugh about these moments with because, you know, there's definitely at least 50 % of them that are tough or not what you expected in some way.

[1001] And again, it goes back to why I thought about this path in general in life.

[1002] And I never thought of it as a solo journey.

[1003] I never thought about it as I'm going to go do this thing.

[1004] I always thought about it in the context of I want to be surrounded by the people I think are the funniest and work with the people I think are funny is because that's such a happier existence than trying to do it alone.

[1005] I have eaten shit as doing stand -up and there's no one to go commiserate with it's just straight terrible no other comedians will happily make fun of you yes mostly to your face and then even more viciously not to your face but otherwise yeah it's eager alone all right well obviously I need to mention you're engaged as scarlet I've met her a few times and I mean if I hadn't found the best woman in the world I probably would have dedicated my life to trying to become engaged to her as well I mean you really got yourself an amazing gal.

[1006] That was your career goal.

[1007] Oh, by far.

[1008] Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[1009] Yeah, yeah.

[1010] I feel very lucky.

[1011] It's nice.

[1012] I mean, it's, again, going back to the talking about yourself, it's also a thing that's weird to talk about.

[1013] But it's...

[1014] Well, it's even compounded right.

[1015] I don't feel like, oh, my God, am I, like, my cashing in on her success by, you know, like there's almost like an ethical fear of mind.

[1016] Like, I don't want to be drafting on her popularity.

[1017] Yeah, but you did enough.

[1018] that you know you know who you i hope you know who you are and what you've done you know well none of my fears and insecurities are all that firmly rooted in reality as i i suspect most people's aren't yeah that's right yeah yeah you never you never go to your therapist and they're like yeah wow that makes sense you should be really anxious about you should maybe even made a little more worried the fact that you the title of your book is a very punchable face i can just objectively say that you do not have a punchable face, but I can definitely believe you believe you have a punchable face.

[1019] I would never argue your own delusion with you.

[1020] Yeah, I think that's an accurate assessment.

[1021] Correct.

[1022] Well, Colin, you're awesome, and we appreciate your time, and we wish you a ton of look.

[1023] Everyone should definitely go by a very punchable face, or if you don't like reading, do the audiobook and you read it, so that's always a wonderful outcome.

[1024] At least everyone will know I can't read, and I guess someone could be whispering the words to my, into my ear.

[1025] Well, many people can write and they can't read.

[1026] Yeah.

[1027] Yeah, that's right.

[1028] That's right.

[1029] So check that out.

[1030] I think the audiobook's fun.

[1031] I've never listened to it again because, again, why would I listen to myself talk for whatever that is a number of hours?

[1032] But I think it's going to be good.

[1033] Not to bring it back a third time, but maybe on shrooms you could really have like some kind of.

[1034] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1035] Like real ego -shattering, like.

[1036] So sponsors are Pellegrino, Home Depot, and Mushrooms.

[1037] That's right.

[1038] And whatever that castle was.

[1039] So, but.

[1040] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1041] Whatever that castle, magic or crystal castle.

[1042] Listen.

[1043] Mystery Castle.

[1044] It's called the mystery castle.

[1045] Mystery Castle.

[1046] So listen, everybody.

[1047] Go do at least two grams of mushrooms.

[1048] No, we can't say that.

[1049] We're not saying that.

[1050] Grab a Pellegrino and plop yourself down on some lawn furniture you bought at Home Depot and listen to a very punchable face by Colin.

[1051] Thank you guys.

[1052] Thanks, man. Take care.

[1053] Bye.

[1054] Appreciate it.

[1055] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1056] You know what I really don't like about my email?

[1057] Tell me. Really quick, can I answer that?

[1058] Yeah.

[1059] Everything to my knowledge.

[1060] Yeah.

[1061] Okay, go ahead.

[1062] Well, specifically, though?

[1063] Well, wait, what do you mean?

[1064] I know that your email is a huge source of anxiety in your life.

[1065] Rightly so.

[1066] You get a trillion emails a day.

[1067] Exactly.

[1068] Yeah.

[1069] Yeah.

[1070] I'm not accusing you.

[1071] You're anything.

[1072] Sounds like it.

[1073] Oh, man. We're really touchy because you just had a joke that didn't go so well.

[1074] It went great.

[1075] You just weren't paying attention and you were the only one here.

[1076] Listen, I was in a time of need and it was no time for jokes.

[1077] I wish you would take a sip of that medicine, you know?

[1078] Oh, believe me. Just because I'm guilty of it doesn't mean that you weren't all so guilty of it.

[1079] I was trying to spell the word writhe.

[1080] I'm disabled.

[1081] Okay.

[1082] Oh, and I spelled it for you, and then I made a joke.

[1083] Yes, I did.

[1084] You did?

[1085] I said W -R -I -T -H, and then you said E. And then I typed that.

[1086] And I said, just E. You said just E. And you were expecting a big reaction, but I was typing E at the time.

[1087] And I missed your joke, and then you are immediately mad of me. And now you're still kind of, you're still, what do you call it?

[1088] Well, you accuse me of being upset about my email when I have every reason to be upset about me. No, I didn't accuse you.

[1089] I observed that you.

[1090] hate your email as you should you get a trillion emails you think it's me subtly implying you're ungrateful i know that's what it is that's the thing that it triggered yes and that felt like you were saying i lie about that or like i complain all the time about it or not at all no no i know how you feel about your email know you super well right and you fucking hate it's like how do i feel about pt cruisers you hate them i hate them i'm not always complaining about it.

[1091] It's not really the same.

[1092] It is identical.

[1093] I'm not always complaining about PT cruisers, but you know how I feel about PT cruisers.

[1094] Okay.

[1095] That's true.

[1096] All this is true.

[1097] Okay.

[1098] But that really what?

[1099] You know what?

[1100] I'm going to delete all this.

[1101] No, you don't you dare.

[1102] I have to.

[1103] Why?

[1104] Because no one cares.

[1105] Everyone cares.

[1106] They love when we bicker and then sort it out.

[1107] And I think we just sorted it out.

[1108] Well, and I'm not even going to tell you what I was going to say.

[1109] Oh, damn it.

[1110] Now you're punishing me. I have done nothing wrong yet.

[1111] And now I'm getting punished.

[1112] No, no, no, you're not.

[1113] Well, no, only because I really was telling you just on a side.

[1114] I was going to cut that.

[1115] And then now we've turned it into a really big conversation.

[1116] Well, we're running out of fodder.

[1117] No, we're not.

[1118] And I was going to cut it because the listeners don't care that what I don't like about the email is that Marcel's emails are now getting transitioned into my social folder, not my primary folder.

[1119] Oh, that's very weird.

[1120] Then I think I've done all my email.

[1121] Oh, God.

[1122] And I've done the most important ones.

[1123] That's right.

[1124] I've only done 30%.

[1125] Oh, God, yeah.

[1126] That's uniquely frustrating.

[1127] Yeah.

[1128] Thank you for understanding.

[1129] I do.

[1130] Thank you.

[1131] And I think you should hate your email.

[1132] I've looked at your inbox and I wanted to immediately put a gun in my mouth.

[1133] Do you want me to tell you what the numbers says on my phone?

[1134] Oh, my God.

[1135] For people like me, stop listening for one second because this is overwhelming.

[1136] I've had a lot of people really get taken aback when they see my phone.

[1137] Yeah.

[1138] Because the number, what do you think the number is?

[1139] 1300.

[1140] 9 ,400.

[1141] Oh, my, 9 ,400.

[1142] I don't think I've gotten 9 ,000 emails in the last seven years.

[1143] What do you have to buy from Google, like that terabyte of?

[1144] One time I did run out of email space.

[1145] Of course.

[1146] Yeah.

[1147] That hasn't happened in a while, but anyway.

[1148] You have to buy several terabytes probably.

[1149] I would say like a percentage of the Google server.

[1150] is dedicated to your email like 1 % or something you're getting nothing but sympathy from me because I don't get a third of the emails you get and I hate opening my email yeah it's just all to -dos and like there's never an email from a friend saying you want to go on a picnic there's no there's I'm going to send you one okay please do I think life was much happier without email I will say I I really, really think that's true.

[1151] Well, right.

[1152] Well, the proposition was good.

[1153] It was like, you know, this way you can deal with everything you need to deal with on your time frame, which that part rules.

[1154] It's not like if you miss the call, you're fucked, right?

[1155] You don't have to constantly be calling someone and getting them on their two minutes.

[1156] That's true.

[1157] That part was the promise and it did deliver.

[1158] But what it really did is just upped the amount of interactions by a hundredfold.

[1159] Yes.

[1160] On an average day before all this, I would talk to three people.

[1161] On the phone?

[1162] Yeah.

[1163] You know, two of those were friends.

[1164] Oh, no. Those days are gone.

[1165] Far gone.

[1166] Usually you and I get out of here.

[1167] And then this is what I'm met with.

[1168] Do I go home and sit in front of the children and go through all these stupid fucking emails and then, you know, partially ignore them?

[1169] And that's frustrating for them.

[1170] Yeah.

[1171] Or do I stay behind and sit in my car and do them all and then delay me getting home by an hour at least?

[1172] Yes.

[1173] This is a hard.

[1174] Wendy Mogul, what should I do?

[1175] Should I stay in my car and do all my emails and then come in and be fully available?

[1176] Or should I half -ass it?

[1177] What would probably be the best is that I come home and then I just spend an hour with them.

[1178] I just came up with this.

[1179] I think when I go home, I'm going to spend like a half hour.

[1180] I like that.

[1181] An hour seems like a little too big of it.

[1182] I think there's a little bit of a pie in the sky pipe dream.

[1183] Okay.

[1184] This is realistic.

[1185] Yeah, yeah.

[1186] I just re -correct.

[1187] I don't think people should set goals for themselves that are unobtainable.

[1188] And I think that might be uptime.

[1189] So I'm going to say 30 minutes.

[1190] I'm going to hit the stuff.

[1191] stop, watch, right when I walk in the door.

[1192] Hey, girls, what are you doing?

[1193] What'd you do today?

[1194] Oh, would you eat?

[1195] Blah, blah, blah.

[1196] Fucking, I did this.

[1197] You don't care.

[1198] Let's wrestle.

[1199] Let's wrestle.

[1200] And then pull the plug, emails.

[1201] Okay.

[1202] We haven't really figured out my problem.

[1203] No, but we solved mine.

[1204] I feel better about that.

[1205] Okay, great.

[1206] No, I know the answer to your problem, and you're not going to like it because you're not a good delegator.

[1207] You should probably have an assistant.

[1208] She doesn't know.

[1209] The problem is.

[1210] Here we go, but this is what everyone says.

[1211] They go, oh, well, someone couldn't do the thing I need to do.

[1212] No, no. That's the sign of a bad delegator.

[1213] Listen, I could use an assistant.

[1214] I can only use her for personal need.

[1215] Use sexist motherfucker.

[1216] Why don't you hire a white male?

[1217] Yeah.

[1218] Not because they need help.

[1219] Not because they need help.

[1220] They don't need help.

[1221] Oh, because maybe we could have a love affair.

[1222] Oh, well, that's cool, too.

[1223] But just the notion that you would be outranking him would be good for all white males.

[1224] I do like that.

[1225] Yeah.

[1226] Yeah, so why don't you get one and really boss this honky around?

[1227] I'm not outranking you, but I do boss you around already.

[1228] Oh, big time.

[1229] And isn't it pleasurable?

[1230] Don't you love bossing this white male around?

[1231] Yeah, but I'm already getting that out.

[1232] Oh, okay, that's satiated.

[1233] Yeah, but I don't, I can't have a professional assistant because literally so much of my job is discerning what to say yes and no to.

[1234] Yeah.

[1235] I can't have somebody else do that.

[1236] So I'm locked into my professional duties, but I could use some relief personally.

[1237] You should do it.

[1238] I just this morning was wrestling with this whole thing.

[1239] Okay.

[1240] So we have help.

[1241] We have, you know, we have help.

[1242] My sister is, my sister manages really everything domestic for me, right?

[1243] And she's awesome.

[1244] But she's one person.

[1245] Yeah.

[1246] So what she does do, which is so nice, we don't have our housekeeper because of Corona, who normally does my laundry once a week.

[1247] So there's no one around to do my laundry.

[1248] I mean, obviously I could do my laundry, but I can't because because I'm busy.

[1249] Anyways, I just, I won't do it.

[1250] That's, let's say it that way.

[1251] Right.

[1252] Maybe I could.

[1253] Maybe I'm a piece of shit and I'm lazy.

[1254] But the point is, is my sister does do the laundry and God bless her.

[1255] I'm so grateful, but she doesn't put it away.

[1256] So all my laundry ends up sitting in this enormous tower of Babel in the laundry room.

[1257] It's always looking like it's going to fall.

[1258] Sure.

[1259] And I, I am not finding the time to put that shit away.

[1260] Yep.

[1261] That's just what's happening.

[1262] I'm known as week after week.

[1263] Basically, what's happening is I go out of town every week.

[1264] week for TopCare.

[1265] And that's when I will get myself to go get all those clothes from that thing.

[1266] Sure.

[1267] Anyways, this morning, I was like, I got to solve this.

[1268] I have money to solve this problem, but I'm not going to ask my sister to do it.

[1269] So what I'm going to ask, this is literally what I was thinking about this morning.

[1270] I'm going to ask my sister to hire someone that comes and puts my clothes away.

[1271] No, we can.

[1272] Yeah, because I. This is too extreme.

[1273] Listen, but I need someone to put my clothes away.

[1274] And I don't want my sister do it because she's got her hands full.

[1275] So now I'm like, we need another person.

[1276] And then I was just thinking, this is just rolling downhill.

[1277] It's like...

[1278] This is so lofty.

[1279] But don't you think I'm owning it?

[1280] Yeah, but I'm just scared of it.

[1281] Yeah, I'm scared of it too, but it is the truth in my life.

[1282] I have a solution.

[1283] Hold on a second.

[1284] Okay.

[1285] I do believe in honesty.

[1286] I am a full -time lead of Top Gear and I travel every week.

[1287] And we do at least two shows a week.

[1288] And I have the real life house stuff that nobody can do but me, the mechanical stuff, the things I'm doing at the pool and the gate and the this and the that.

[1289] I'm not finding, or let's put it this way, I could cut into my time with my kids and put my shit away.

[1290] Or I could hire someone who wants some money to put my shit away.

[1291] I know.

[1292] I'm just saying when we talk about this, it's like...

[1293] It's gross.

[1294] It is because I know what you're saying is all true and you're busy, but there's also single moms with three jobs.

[1295] They're busier than us.

[1296] And they have to put away their kids' clothes and their clothes and cook.

[1297] And, you know, we're not on the scale of nearly, like too busy to handle everything.

[1298] But I mean, we are.

[1299] We are in some ways.

[1300] Like my shit's not getting done.

[1301] Your shit is not getting done.

[1302] Your house is a fucking disaster.

[1303] It's a fucking nightmare.

[1304] Yeah.

[1305] It's disgusting.

[1306] So you just have to be realistic.

[1307] So yes, people are working way harder than me. They have less time than me. They're also very unhappy as a result of it.

[1308] I agree.

[1309] And I am in a position to not make myself miserable to do some things.

[1310] So I also think it'd be insane for me to eat into time with my kids when I could hire someone to do something.

[1311] I know.

[1312] We just can't hire someone just to come put away or close.

[1313] No, that's why I brought it up.

[1314] It's preposterous.

[1315] But I'm saying that's where my mind was at this morning.

[1316] It was like, this needs to get done.

[1317] I'm not doing it.

[1318] I'm not going to ask Harley to do it.

[1319] So what's the solution?

[1320] I have one.

[1321] What is it?

[1322] I have a really, really good one.

[1323] What is it?

[1324] Chores for your children.

[1325] Make them put those clothes away and they can earn a dollar or whatever.

[1326] That's a really good idea.

[1327] They're old enough.

[1328] Do you think I can.

[1329] and trust them to put the shit in the right spot?

[1330] Yes, you teach them.

[1331] You take them one day and you take the whole thing.

[1332] Can I hire someone to teach them how to put this?

[1333] But this is how some people delegate.

[1334] They make their children do shit.

[1335] I'm going to do that.

[1336] That's a great idea.

[1337] Thank you.

[1338] It's going to fuck everything up and I'm going to go to pack and the shit will not be where it's supposed to be.

[1339] For maybe a couple weeks.

[1340] Uh -huh.

[1341] And then it'll be a learning curve.

[1342] It's a great idea.

[1343] Maybe I should make your kids go through my email.

[1344] Yeah.

[1345] Let's do it.

[1346] I'll just teach him on to use the delete button, and the problem will be solved.

[1347] Oh, no. Okay, so Colin.

[1348] Yes, Colin.

[1349] Oh, man, he was fun.

[1350] He was really fun.

[1351] What a smile.

[1352] Yeah.

[1353] Not in any way, shape, or form a punchable face.

[1354] No. Well, I guess if you're jealous.

[1355] I understand his narrative.

[1356] I'm not challenging his narrative.

[1357] Does he mean because people are jealous?

[1358] He has a whole narrative that he basically looks like a white guy that would go golfing.

[1359] all the time like you kind of want to punch him he looks entitled but i don't that's not how i feel at all as soon as i opened up the computer and looked at his face i was like no this guy has a beautiful smile i can tell he's present he's kind he's thoughtful he's mindful yeah there's nothing punchable about it i agree i don't want to punch it but you know he's dating scarlet they're at least engaged i think they're engaged and they might be married maybe they're married but you know scarlet she's put on a pedestal in male brains.

[1360] I think she's the closest in my lifetime there was to a Maryland Monroe.

[1361] Obviously, she's way more talented.

[1362] Yeah.

[1363] Oh, she's so talented.

[1364] Awesome actress.

[1365] Yes.

[1366] But she's the closest thing that I've ever seen in my lifetime that seemed to unify the most amount of males, where the most amount of my friends were like, this is consensus.

[1367] We are in love with her.

[1368] Yeah.

[1369] And I think it must be so interesting.

[1370] We didn't talk about this much with him or really at all.

[1371] she's a person.

[1372] She's ultimately a person, and he knows that.

[1373] He knows that more than anyone.

[1374] And then he's presented as this guy who got the girl that everyone wants.

[1375] By the way, there's nothing I could relate more to.

[1376] I wonder if he's at all like me where I'm like, I don't think anyone, no one should feel like they hit the lottery.

[1377] That's not a good dynamic in a relationship.

[1378] I totally agree.

[1379] I'll get in all these interviews and people will be like, don't you just worship your wife?

[1380] And I'm like, no, what a fucking terrible marriage would be if I was a fan.

[1381] of my wife.

[1382] I totally agree.

[1383] I see her take a shit every morning.

[1384] I'm not a fan.

[1385] I respect her.

[1386] Yeah.

[1387] That's what I feel about her.

[1388] Yeah.

[1389] But also when he was talking and stuff and we were kind of going through his life.

[1390] I was like, yeah, they're also so equal.

[1391] Like he's totally incredibly attractive.

[1392] A genius.

[1393] He's so smart.

[1394] He's a headwriter on S &L.

[1395] He's so funny.

[1396] Like there's no disparaging.

[1397] Yeah.

[1398] Like they found.

[1399] equals.

[1400] For sure.

[1401] Yeah.

[1402] Now look, good for guys.

[1403] They find them itself in this position because it is ultimately a result of like the patriarchate, which is it's very rare that you see a 10 guy getting engaged to a four girl where they've got to ask the girl like, don't you feel lucky that Brad picked you, you're a four?

[1404] Because it doesn't happen.

[1405] Right.

[1406] But there are many 10 women married to four guys.

[1407] Right, but that's not good.

[1408] But it's not, it's not good.

[1409] It's just, that's why it's a well -worn trope of like, can you believe this guy got this girl?

[1410] Because it's all over.

[1411] Right.

[1412] I'm not making any sense to you, am I?

[1413] Only vaguely, mainly because I'm hungry.

[1414] Okay.

[1415] Oh, let me glance at the progress seven minutes, it says.

[1416] Oh, great.

[1417] Okay, so you guys talked about Howard Stern.

[1418] You both love Howard Stern.

[1419] Yeah, what boy doesn't.

[1420] Yeah.

[1421] And that there was a, video version on E or something and no one could really remember.

[1422] So E announced on May 31st, 1994 that Stern confirmed a deal with the E network to bring his radio show, which was broadcast from WXRK at the time to television.

[1423] Six robotic cameras were installed in a small studio at 600 Madison Avenue to film the five -hour radio show.

[1424] The best part of all this is that my genius will be seen in so many more homes now, Stern.

[1425] It's a dream come true.

[1426] My genius.

[1427] Oh my gosh.

[1428] He's so funny.

[1429] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[1430] Now it says zero minutes.

[1431] Oh, it came.

[1432] The four minutes flew.

[1433] I'll see you later.

[1434] Okay.

[1435] I'm going to pause.

[1436] Okay, we're back from lunch.

[1437] Wow.

[1438] That we had at 4.

[1439] Oh, boy.

[1440] You and I are not great at staying ahead of our food needs.

[1441] No, we're not.

[1442] Monica and I's regular routine is to show up at the attic, generally around 10 a .m. Go back to back to recordings and then about three o 'clock go.

[1443] We're starving.

[1444] Have you eaten anything?

[1445] Exactly.

[1446] I guess though you could call that intermittent fasting and then we'd be proud of it.

[1447] Okay, I'm proud of it.

[1448] Me too.

[1449] Good job.

[1450] Great job.

[1451] Great job.

[1452] Oh, back to that babe, Colin.

[1453] Oh, yeah, Colin.

[1454] Okay.

[1455] So you said crime and punishment is 700 pages or something and that the gambler is 100 pages.

[1456] 576.

[1457] Okay.

[1458] And 191.

[1459] Okay.

[1460] So you're - Well, if we add them up, I'm almost, cumulatively, I was almost correct.

[1461] That's true.

[1462] But you were right.

[1463] There's quite a difference in length between those.

[1464] By the way, that was the effing book.

[1465] The last four nights in a row, I go into Audible and I'm like, what is the book I'm supposed to get?

[1466] And then I just stare at it.

[1467] Crime and Punishment?

[1468] No, he recommended a third Datsyevsky book I've not read.

[1469] Oh, right.

[1470] That he had said was also short, but was incredible.

[1471] So I need to first learn how to, well, first learn how to say Dotsievsky, second, learn how to spell Dotsieffsky so I can search Dotsieffsky inaudible.

[1472] So I can figure out what book he was saying.

[1473] Notes from underground.

[1474] Yeah, which I know.

[1475] I know that title.

[1476] I don't know.

[1477] Why did that escape me?

[1478] Okay.

[1479] You're welcome.

[1480] Thank you, Monica.

[1481] You're welcome, Dax.

[1482] Okay, so we talked a lot about crazy houses.

[1483] So the Winterthur Museum, Garden and Library, he mentions, he said he thought it was the DuPonts, and yes, was former home of Henry Francis DuPont, a renowned antique collector and a horticulturist.

[1484] Bader Mindhoff, frequency illusion.

[1485] Oh, my God.

[1486] In yesterday's interview, I brought up the DuPonts.

[1487] Remember, I say, could you be a Ford or a DuPont and still be a father?

[1488] Yeah, you did.

[1489] And how often do you bring up the DuPont family?

[1490] My God.

[1491] I don't even...

[1492] You didn't even hear that part.

[1493] Are you talking about the horticulturist?

[1494] No. Do you know what the DePont family made?

[1495] No. Well, they own 3M.

[1496] They own everything.

[1497] It's like anything high tech, but they were originally like a munitions company.

[1498] The DuPont family, chemicals.

[1499] So paint, all kinds of chemicals.

[1500] And then munitions.

[1501] Billions and billions of dollars.

[1502] That Fox Catcher, that...

[1503] Movie.

[1504] Great movie.

[1505] Yeah.

[1506] Is about a DuPont who killed that wrestler.

[1507] Oh, I didn't finish it.

[1508] Spoiler alert.

[1509] Wow.

[1510] Big spoiler.

[1511] Well, but as a news article, can you really be mad at?

[1512] Yeah, I'll be mad.

[1513] Okay.

[1514] Why didn't they label that on this?

[1515] They called him a renowned antique collector and horticulturist.

[1516] Because he's probably one of the many offspring.

[1517] Like, there's been many generations of DuPonts that did nothing but going to the garden and stuff.

[1518] I don't want to get sued by the DuPonts.

[1519] are all very industrious and everything else but one of you did kill a wrestler oh wow did you see that whole movie it's no i really did not finish it oh my god i would watch i'd watch it right now i didn't like you didn't like that's why stopped it okay it made me feel yeah that's what i like about it it's so bleak yeah but his embarrassing vanity in his lack of skill at anything and his aspirations to be a wrestler.

[1520] I mean, it was all so embarrassing and trying to impress his mother with her horse trophy case.

[1521] Like, all that stuff is just so dark.

[1522] I'm so interesting.

[1523] So is it Steve Corral?

[1524] Yeah, Steve Corral was playing the DuPont.

[1525] Oh, he was.

[1526] But his mother was still alive who was controlling the fortune.

[1527] And he had some, I guess, responsibilities to the thing.

[1528] But he had like tanks at his house and he would use the munition shit.

[1529] Like he, he was a dumb dumb.

[1530] Wow.

[1531] I love Steve Crowell so much.

[1532] Me too.

[1533] So Mystery Castle was the other place he was talking about.

[1534] He couldn't remember the name, but then he did remember it at the end, and he was correct.

[1535] Mystery Castle, except I still believe Colin.

[1536] Maybe my research just isn't thorough because it's just on Wikipedia.

[1537] So I think he still might be right, but.

[1538] Yeah, I got that part because someone said that you need to look somewhere other than Wikipedia, and I said she never references Wikipedia.

[1539] I got in a fight with someone.

[1540] You're always defending your honor.

[1541] Thank you.

[1542] But I do look at Wikipedia.

[1543] I know, but let's just not...

[1544] Well, well...

[1545] Just say your research.

[1546] I'm allowed to look at it, though.

[1547] I know, but this person was being critical as if that's the only thing you look at.

[1548] Okay, well, she can not listen.

[1549] That's what I should have said.

[1550] Stop listening.

[1551] Just don't listen that.

[1552] Instead, I said that you'd never use Wikipedia.

[1553] Okay, well, anyway, from what I found...

[1554] Okay.

[1555] I don't want to appease it.

[1556] I look...

[1557] No, and now you're again, now you have to appease it to defend me. Okay, fine.

[1558] Fine, fine, fine.

[1559] Just from what I found.

[1560] Yeah, on Wikipedia.

[1561] It says after learning he had tuberculosis, his name is Boyce Luther Gully.

[1562] Oh, boy.

[1563] He moved from Seattle to the Phoenix area and began building the house.

[1564] Oh, this is the other guy, not the DuPont.

[1565] No. Okay, yeah, we moved on mystery castle.

[1566] Oh, mystery castle.

[1567] From founder on inexpensive material.

[1568] So he told us about that.

[1569] But remember he said that?

[1570] There was a chest of booty.

[1571] buried in a room.

[1572] And he wouldn't give it to the the people, which maybe that's true.

[1573] I just didn't find that.

[1574] It just said he died in 1945 and the daughter and the mother had inherited the property.

[1575] Okay.

[1576] And then they moved in.

[1577] They find treasure.

[1578] We're now taking bids on lot 43 pirate chest of unknown booty.

[1579] You know, they do those blind lot auctions.

[1580] Yeah, sure.

[1581] Yeah, it's kind of cool.

[1582] It is kind of cool.

[1583] And it was said to be held together by mortar, cement, calcium, and goat milk.

[1584] Oh.

[1585] And it was 18 rooms, 3 stories, built from a wide range of material.

[1586] Stone, Adobe, automobile parts, salvaged rail tracks from a mine, telephone poles.

[1587] It had a chapel, canteena, and a dungeon.

[1588] It feels like it would take someone 80 years to do this.

[1589] I know.

[1590] But anyhow.

[1591] We should go see that.

[1592] I don't see that.

[1593] Yeah.

[1594] Want to go see that and do a live report?

[1595] Yes.

[1596] Okay, as we tour it.

[1597] I would love to.

[1598] What if we find the booty?

[1599] Pilots booty.

[1600] What if we find putty?

[1601] Oh, we're probably going to find pooty in there, yeah.

[1602] I'm sure some of the, quote, mud and mortar is poody.

[1603] Yeah, and quote, goat mill.

[1604] Is coyote poody.

[1605] Or human pooty.

[1606] Yeah.

[1607] Okay, so who did the National Ampoon sell to, they sold to a company called J2 Communications in 19.

[1608] Okay.

[1609] Collins' anime show, Kappa Mikey.

[1610] I remember he said it was he thought a play on Kappa Maki, which he thought was a sushi.

[1611] It is a sushi.

[1612] It's a cucumber roll.

[1613] Cucumber rolls in Japan are called Kappa Maki.

[1614] And it's one of the most popular sushi rolls, very easy to make.

[1615] Just three ingredients.

[1616] Seweed, sushi rice, and cucumber.

[1617] No fish.

[1618] I just had the funnest fantasy of a sushi chef.

[1619] in Tokyo passively listening to this program while preparing sushi and then heard that you got that wrong and then he threw his knife against the wall.

[1620] That was the fantasy I just had.

[1621] Wow.

[1622] Oh my God.

[1623] Like if we had gotten it wrong because it's like a religion, right?

[1624] The sushi sushi set.

[1625] Oh my God.

[1626] I never went.

[1627] Sushi chef sells seashores, now I'm by the seashells.

[1628] Well, do you think it's the guy from the dog?

[1629] Oh, Hero loves sushi?

[1630] Hero dreams of sushi.

[1631] If it's, is he alive still?

[1632] Yeah, I'm sure.

[1633] Okay, well, I hope it's him and he's listening.

[1634] Oh, that would be great.

[1635] Yes, I would love it.

[1636] Although we're so sorry that she mispronounced it and or got the item wrong.

[1637] Oh, yeah.

[1638] In my fantasy, you had messed up somehow.

[1639] Yeah, you want me to mess this up.

[1640] No, I don't.

[1641] I didn't find that info from Wikipedia.

[1642] Where'd you find it from?

[1643] Sushi .com.

[1644] I don't know.

[1645] Sushi .org?

[1646] The internet.

[1647] Okay, so you were talking about a cult guy who then did like a hang gliding.

[1648] But I think you said hand gliding.

[1649] Oh, I'm sure I did.

[1650] I think it's called hand gliding.

[1651] Okay, yeah.

[1652] So that's just one I want to make clear.

[1653] It's called hang gliding.

[1654] Hang gliding and paragliding.

[1655] They're both foot -launched glider aircraft.

[1656] And in both cases, the pilot is suspended.

[1657] hangs below the lift surface, but hang glider is the default term for those where the airframe contains rigid structures.

[1658] So you can see where I thought it made sense that it was called hand glider, because you're holding with your hands this glider.

[1659] You know, I'm caught between embarrassed and then I'm still 45, and there's lots of words that I think are one thing, and then equally excited by continued revelations, because it's kind of fun.

[1660] I think it's so fun, and it's good to correct it, right?

[1661] so then you can have learned hang i guarantee i'm going to see my mom tomorrow night i'm going to ask her what that's called and i bet dollars a donut she's going to say hang gliding dollars to daughter because i think at least half of my wrong words are from her yeah that's yeah they get passed along you should see hear her say throat next time she's here i'm going to have her say throat for you what does it sound like i almost don't want to ruin it but but it's throwette what i have a sore throw it.

[1662] No. Yeah, it's like she really hits the A. And she pronounces both vowels.

[1663] Sort throw it.

[1664] Throw it.

[1665] Throw it.

[1666] And my brother does too.

[1667] Your brother has a sore throw it?

[1668] I don't know that he currently has a sore throw it.

[1669] But if he had one, he would pronounce it that way.

[1670] Yeah.

[1671] Oh my gosh.

[1672] That's so funny.

[1673] Well, that's like, so Kristen says something really weird.

[1674] And I'm always like, she doesn't know how to say that.

[1675] But I actually think she might be right.

[1676] I'd be excited if you need.

[1677] new one because thus far the score count in our relationship is like 300 words to zero I've pointed out she's saying wrong okay it's the word oh I say it cupboard okay do you know what I'm talking about absolutely okay that's how I say it going to wait wait say it again I say go get me some cereal from the cupboard yeah great okay she says cupboard well that's how it's spelled exactly yeah so I've always been like she's wrong But then I realized recently it's spelled the way she says it.

[1678] So who's right?

[1679] Is it often or often?

[1680] It's often.

[1681] No, I know.

[1682] But I'm saying is this a situation where the T is silent?

[1683] Is the P is the Pee?

[1684] Actually pronounced kind of B. Is the Pooty silent on this one?

[1685] Is it just Ooty?

[1686] Well, the listeners can tell us after they berate me for being on Wikipedia.

[1687] That's not going to have it because you're not going to throw me under the bus.

[1688] feel annoyed, of course, by that.

[1689] Wait a minute.

[1690] It's also spelled cupboard.

[1691] Cupboard.

[1692] That's how I say it.

[1693] And it's spelled that.

[1694] Yeah.

[1695] I thought you were saying cupboard.

[1696] I thought you were throwing a tea at the end the first time you said it.

[1697] And I was going to say, no, you're, it's definitely not cupboard.

[1698] No, cupboard.

[1699] Covered.

[1700] Covered.

[1701] Yeah.

[1702] Go in the cupboard.

[1703] Go on the cupboard.

[1704] Okay.

[1705] So I do think Kristen's wrong now.

[1706] Oh, great.

[1707] We should have a big celebration.

[1708] When we get home tonight, let's run in the door laughing and pointing at her face, their mouth specifically.

[1709] You said a word wrong finally.

[1710] Speaking of poody, you guys are both saying how his poop story was a set piece, and I don't think everyone knows what a set piece is.

[1711] I think you should tell people.

[1712] Yeah, so when you're watching a comedy and the guy, oh, I'll give you a prime example.

[1713] of you've seen this movie, the Money Pit.

[1714] Most people have not seen that.

[1715] You need a bit of a different.

[1716] But it'll still work.

[1717] It'll still work.

[1718] Okay.

[1719] So in the Money Pit, they're restoring this old house.

[1720] And there's all these workers working on the house.

[1721] Shelly Long goes to plug in the coffee maker.

[1722] She has to unplug an extension cord.

[1723] And then you see that the extension cord was attached to a guy saw who was in the middle of sawing.

[1724] So when he stops sawing, he loses his balance.

[1725] And then she plugs the saw back in when he's fallen.

[1726] And now the saw cuts the piece of wood.

[1727] the soft falls through the wood it hits like a wheelbarrow the wheelbarrow pops up that shoots something through the window that hits another thing all of a sudden a bathtub drops through the ceiling where shelly long's at that's a set piece like one thing happens which causes another thing happens what it causes another or how about this chips there's a set piece okay so in chips i'm in a lot of pain because it's raining out and i have to get young poncherella to carry me to the tub and i'm naked so it's already starting.

[1728] Now, he's in this situation where he's got to carry a naked man. He's already not liking it.

[1729] Then he trips on my sheet.

[1730] Then he falls forward.

[1731] And when he falls forward, his face crashes into my penis.

[1732] And then I continue on and I smash into the wall and I fall into the bathtub.

[1733] That's right.

[1734] That's a set piece.

[1735] Yes.

[1736] And the technical death is in film production, a set piece is a scene or sequence of scenes whose execution requires complex logistical planning and considerable expenditure of money.

[1737] True.

[1738] And then, of course, they exist in action.

[1739] action movies, too.

[1740] It's like the guy.

[1741] And novel plays, films, music.

[1742] Okay, I didn't know about music.

[1743] I don't understand that.

[1744] But we're not going to get into that today.

[1745] Okay.

[1746] That's all.

[1747] That was great.

[1748] Thank you so much.

[1749] Thank you.

[1750] Thank you, Wikipedia.

[1751] Bye.

[1752] Love you.

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