#1396 - Michelle Wolf

[0] Mm. Yes.

[1] How many lame wolf jokes have you had to endure in your life?

[2] You know what?

[3] I like them.

[4] Do you?

[5] What's the worst?

[6] Bring them on.

[7] Joe List constantly tries to get the nickname Wolf of Wall Street started.

[8] Every time I see him, it's like, Wolf of Wall Street.

[9] Why?

[10] It's going to catch on.

[11] He says it to no one.

[12] It's going to catch on.

[13] It's going to catch on.

[14] You were saying that you like the turmeric coffee, but you don't like to admit that you like that stuff?

[15] Yeah.

[16] Yeah, I, like, recently got into, like, all this, like, kind of like, you know, this, like, new agey health stuff and crystals.

[17] You got into crystals?

[18] I mean, a little bit.

[19] I'm on the fringe of the crystal, you know, might be wearing a little rose courts.

[20] And, uh, what do you, like, what's the thought behind being into crystals?

[21] I honestly think it's a lot of it's, like, just in your 30s at some point.

[22] Oh, okay.

[23] As a woman, I think you get into crystals.

[24] Yeah, if you don't get a kid or a dog.

[25] Yeah, you kind of just, like, you're just like, you're just.

[26] Like, you know what?

[27] Maybe I can bring some energy from somewhere.

[28] It's like, why not?

[29] Start burning sage.

[30] Yeah.

[31] I don't think it'll last forever.

[32] I just think I'm in a little bit of a, a little bit of a crystal phase right now.

[33] Like a spiritual phase?

[34] Kind of, yeah.

[35] I was like thinking about, oh, my God, this is so embarrassing.

[36] Why am I starting so embarrassing?

[37] I was thinking about maybe looking up like shamans in New York, you know, to be like, maybe I can get like, just explore the spiritual.

[38] universe a little bit.

[39] I think it means I'm lonely.

[40] It probably means you lonely.

[41] But like shamans like do you want to do drugs?

[42] Oh, I mean I'd be I'd love to do ayahuasca.

[43] Yeah.

[44] So that's if they're not going to be listed.

[45] You're going to have to find some.

[46] You can't just like Google them.

[47] Some, some nark can just kind of Google, Google Iowaska.

[48] You could get away with it legally right now in Oakland.

[49] If you go to Oakland.

[50] Oh yeah?

[51] Yeah.

[52] Oakland decry they fucking stepped up.

[53] They decriminalized.

[54] to everything.

[55] Yeah, mushrooms, everything.

[56] They're like, fuck it, do it.

[57] Yeah.

[58] Yeah, which is what we need.

[59] Slowly, but surely, that's going to be the whole country.

[60] I, mushrooms are, I love mushrooms.

[61] I want to do some right now.

[62] I have too many other things to do today, although I recently did them, and I all of a sudden, I didn't realize this had happened on mushrooms.

[63] I got so giggly.

[64] Oh, yeah.

[65] If you take the right amount, you get super giggily.

[66] Like, just giggled for hours.

[67] I was like, oh, this is the best.

[68] This is, I was, I'm sure I was annoying to everyone around me, which is also pretty normal, but like, you know, I'm giggling nonstop at anything.

[69] Well, a lot of people are microdosing now, and what they're doing is they're taking a level of, they're taking like enough psilocybin so that you don't quite feel it.

[70] It's like, it's like knocking on the door or feeling it, like almost there.

[71] But they report this amazing alleviation of anxiety.

[72] They feel super creative and really friendly.

[73] and all these, like, powerful, positive vives, but they're basically sober.

[74] Yeah, I don't know.

[75] Does it affect you long, like, if you actually wanted to take...

[76] Oh, to blast off?

[77] Yeah, would you have to take, like, an extraordinary amount?

[78] You can always blast off.

[79] You're going to be able to blast off every single time.

[80] Yeah.

[81] I couldn't imagine that somehow or another it would get in the way.

[82] The feeling that happens when you take a large dose where it's like, you just feel the tingling and you get fucking scared.

[83] Yeah.

[84] Like, that shit's coming.

[85] I always, I always, always have to put my hand here for hours just like on my heart like I'm just like at the uh beginning of the the the Gulf War like right after 9 -11 Stanhope and I got fucked up on mushrooms like the day of the war and we were watching TV and they were like we all got to serve our country some way that's how we do it we get high and watch TV and we were watching TV and said war coverage begins today at five and he goes holy shit there's a kickoff for the war I don't have the whole that war that war like the invasion of Iraq the most recent one not desert storm but the most recent one that is forever cemented in my head by mushrooms and him saying holy shit there's a kickoff there's a coin toss it was so weird that would make war more fun if they were like they broadcast it like a game it would right yeah they're like flag on the play there's some iEDs it might be it might be the future like when when you have robot wars no i don't think people are going to be fighting people robots scare me they should so much i don't know why we're making them i don't i was doing a gig at mit recently and i spent like the first 10 minutes yelling at them to stop making robots they make these cheetahs why are you making robot cheetahs what is the point of that well that's boston dynamics that's not that's not MIT.

[86] Well, yeah, but they, like, they, but there's all the same people.

[87] They're all working together.

[88] Lex works at MIT.

[89] Yeah, he's a professor in MIT, Lex Friedman, who's a specialist in AI.

[90] He's been on this podcast a couple times before.

[91] Yeah.

[92] They're a little bit too blasé about it.

[93] Yeah, no, I don't like it.

[94] I'm not a fan.

[95] I won't even have an Alexa in my home.

[96] Oh, don't fuck that.

[97] They're listening.

[98] Yeah.

[99] They're listening.

[100] And I also feel like that, like, like, like 10 years from now, people are going to be like, uh, do you remember she said she didn't want to have an Alexa in her home?

[101] Like, that's, like, going to be the new racist.

[102] You hate robots.

[103] You're going to put a mark in your door.

[104] I'll never be Senator now.

[105] Yeah, they'll put a black X on your door.

[106] Doesn't like robots.

[107] I hate them.

[108] Hate them.

[109] Never be Senator.

[110] You don't want to be, you're not going to run for shit, right?

[111] No. Never.

[112] Never.

[113] Never.

[114] Never.

[115] I'm having too much fun.

[116] Yeah.

[117] Why would you want to stop having fun?

[118] But did you think about, like, when Trump was giving you a hard time?

[119] Did you think, hey, motherfucker, if I ran against you, I could really fuck you up.

[120] Did you ever think about that for a second while he was tweeting against you and all the, all the craziness as was going there?

[121] Never.

[122] I'm like, it didn't even occur to me, but also I'm still 34, so I couldn't even run if I wanted to.

[123] How old do you have to be?

[124] 35.

[125] You're close.

[126] 35 and born here.

[127] Yeah, right?

[128] Isn't that crazy?

[129] There should be more.

[130] Born there is important.

[131] Yeah.

[132] Because you don't want anybody sneaking in and just ruining the entire country on a sneak tip.

[133] Although if I was, like, I'd be like a long game terrorist, you know, like, yeah, they were born here, but they were in cells the whole time.

[134] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, have the kids over here.

[135] This is three generations of Americans.

[136] Yeah, they do plan in advance.

[137] They do plan some terrorists and some organizations do plan things way, way, way in advance.

[138] Yeah.

[139] That's like the thing they say about China, that China plans things like hundreds of years out.

[140] Yeah, they're good at it.

[141] Yeah.

[142] Yeah, they're really, we underestimate China.

[143] Well, how about that fucking wall?

[144] How long did that take to make?

[145] I don't know.

[146] Probably like six days knowing how hard they work.

[147] I think it took hundreds of years.

[148] They were just like, no, we got this.

[149] Don't worry.

[150] They were just getting tired of being invaded.

[151] I mean, that country is like, I mean, they invented everything.

[152] Everything.

[153] And they've been around forever.

[154] They've been around forever.

[155] And we just were like, no reason to be scared of them.

[156] They've been China forever.

[157] Forever.

[158] yeah yeah i mean america's a baby a little tiny baby we're a little yeah we're a little baby we're a little asshole baby it's not even they have bombs they have the best electronics they steal everything yeah all the intellectual property they're like fuck you they don't have any rules yeah no no we copy i used to work at this tech company and like we had a lot of chinese people that work it was a computational biochemistry research lab so of course we had a lot of chinese people that worked there because what are you trying to say very smart and qualified That sounds racist And that's my favorite thing You're like you're racist I just said you were smart Yeah we said you're amazing Is it racist that you guys are amazing Well then people they're like They're like not all Chinese people are doing well And I'm like yeah I'm sure there's Chinese people That aren't doing well But you know their parents never talk about them Well there's a lot of Chinese people When you say not all Chinese people are doing well There's fucking a billion of them Yeah I mean there's plenty that aren't doing well But the ones that are doing well are doing really well Yeah, you're concentrating on the glass is half empty.

[159] Yeah.

[160] I mean, really.

[161] There's a billion people.

[162] The Chinese people that worked at this tech company, if they were Chinese nationals, they were only allowed to have access to certain parts.

[163] Like there were certain parts they had to keep separate from them and they couldn't know about.

[164] Did they come over and stare at your computer?

[165] I had one guy who worked there.

[166] Okay, what are you working on?

[167] And me, I'm just like, I'm just recruiting new people to work here.

[168] You're not going to get anything from me. I don't understand what we're doing here.

[169] But the one guy who worked there, he came over, didn't know any English, and he learned English by watching Seinfeld.

[170] So I kid you not, he had this Seinfeld cadence that he spoke with.

[171] What a square?

[172] That's a break room.

[173] And he'd enter rooms a little bit like Kramer.

[174] No. I swear.

[175] Not the full thing, but every time he'd come into the office, he'd be like, whoa.

[176] No. Really?

[177] I swear.

[178] Whoa.

[179] That's weird.

[180] I wonder if there's an equivalent show in China where if you went over there and tried to learn Mandarin from a television show like what would you concentrate on?

[181] Yeah, it's like a way to hold your I'm going to get two races, hold on.

[182] Chopsticks.

[183] Don't say it.

[184] Don't say it.

[185] Don't say it.

[186] No, it's racial, you fucks.

[187] There's a difference between racial and racist.

[188] Yeah, exactly.

[189] I enjoy chopsticks.

[190] It's a great way to eat salad, by the way.

[191] It's a great way to eat slower.

[192] Yeah.

[193] Well, yeah, if you want to eat rice.

[194] Yeah, it's real slow.

[195] But if you want to eat salad, it's like the best way to eat salad.

[196] I eat salad with chopsticks.

[197] Yeah.

[198] Because you ever try to like get a fork in a tomato?

[199] It's fucking hard.

[200] Yeah.

[201] But you can grab a lot of lettuce with them chopsticks.

[202] You know?

[203] I'm going to try that next day.

[204] Like forks with sushi.

[205] Get the fuck out of here.

[206] You have to use chopsticks.

[207] Yeah.

[208] Or your hands.

[209] I use my hands a lot.

[210] You're an animal.

[211] Yeah.

[212] Like a wolf.

[213] Oh.

[214] Let's see how many we can get in this podcast.

[215] We can get a couple.

[216] Well, I got some photos of wolves.

[217] Did you see those wolves out there?

[218] Oh, I saw those wolves.

[219] Crazy, right?

[220] I have wolf paw tattoo on my side.

[221] Do you really?

[222] Yeah.

[223] How much do you regret that a lot or really a lot?

[224] I love them.

[225] People that are always like, they're like, are those cat paws?

[226] And I'm like, yeah, whatever.

[227] That fits too.

[228] Yeah, whatever.

[229] That's a weird one, the dog paw tattoo.

[230] That's a common weird one.

[231] Yeah.

[232] Is it?

[233] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[234] It's like barbed wire.

[235] Oh, yeah.

[236] I love a good barbed wire tattoo.

[237] You got any barbed wire?

[238] No, I got two sleeves, though.

[239] Both these arms are sleeved.

[240] But it's all traditional.

[241] Well, it's not really traditional Japanese stuff, but it's like Japanese new style American stuff.

[242] Yeah.

[243] No pause.

[244] No pause.

[245] Not that I wouldn't have got one.

[246] I'm lucky I didn't get a tattoo until I was like 25.

[247] And I didn't get sleeved until I was in my 30s.

[248] Yeah.

[249] Because I would have made some shit choices.

[250] That should be a 30s decision.

[251] Oh, God.

[252] I see these kids today.

[253] they're fucking 18 they got face tattoos like bro yeah slow down it's such a fun decision to make for your whole life like post malone that kid's talented as fuck really talented yeah but always tired you tattooed always tired on your face i every time i see a picture of him i get angry i just want to be like i i spend i don't spend a ton of time in hair and makeup but Anytime I have something, there's at least a little hair and makeup.

[254] And I'm looking at this guy and I'm like, why can't we just be that?

[255] Well, I think what he's doing and what a lot of people are doing is they're like going way overboard to not give a fuck.

[256] Just like scribbling on their face.

[257] Oh, yeah.

[258] Did you see the Lizzo thing from the Lakers game last night?

[259] No, what you did you feel that?

[260] Yeah, that's instruct.

[261] Oh, I thought it was very hard.

[262] Happens all the time.

[263] I do.

[264] I've never been here for an earthquake.

[265] Oh, we're due.

[266] We're due for a big one.

[267] That's what everyone keeps saying.

[268] They said that there was a recent shift in one of the tectonic plates that it was the first time it moved in 500 years.

[269] Uh -oh.

[270] And they're like, oh, Jesus.

[271] The other place I would think of them moving to was Bozeman, Montana.

[272] You know why, Jamie?

[273] Because it's right next to Yellowstone.

[274] So if it blows, it blows right on your fucking head.

[275] Wait, if the, like, the geyser?

[276] Whoa.

[277] Do you know what Yellowstone is?

[278] It's like a bunch of water under it, right?

[279] Hot water.

[280] Much, much, much, much, much, much more.

[281] that it's a continent destroyer it's hot water right it's a continent destroyer is a caldera volcano they didn't find out about it until satellites wait is that the geyser oh it's way more than a geyser okay the geyser's there but the geyser is a result of underground volcanic activity cool cool there's a super volcano under yellowstone that's so fucking big that when they first saw it didn't know what it was and then they realized it when they started looking at satellite images is that it's essentially what happens when a volcano just completely explodes and the mountain disappears and it becomes like a crater yeah so the whole top just blows up and happens every 600 to 800 ,000 years and the last time it happened was about 600 ,000 years ago oh they have thousands of earthquakes there and you want to live there great place to live yeah it's beautiful oh it's great out there but you want to be there for the explosion well I feel like if it blows you want to be there because you don't want to be one of those people eating people yeah oh that's true yeah I never that's why I never understood like shelter bomb shelters and stuff like that yeah preppers no no I'd rather yeah I'd not be I'd not be around if an asteroid hits you wanted to hit you yeah you literally want to see that giant city size thing just coming straight at you yeah those your eyes and let's see what happens when you die yeah I don't want any shrapnel yeah I want the full no you don't want I want the full asteroid to my face well there's been a bunch of super volcanoes have killed people there's one of them that we were um we were talking about um what island was that Jamie there was one that happened somewhere around i think it was indonesia where it killed most of the population on earth where they were it was about 70 000 years ago they were down to just a few thousand human beings toba toba is that near indonesia am i making that up yeah but tumatra yeah so where were the thousand people though yeah great coffee well a few thousand people other places other than that yeah because we're we're what happens is you get like nuclear winter yeah with the entire atmosphere gets filled with volcanic dust and it gets freezing cold it blocks out the sun animals die look at that bitch oh 75 ,000 years ago but look how pretty it is now it's gorgeous yeah it's gorgeous now but i mean when you see mountains that's the result of activity you know that's a result of plates moving and yeah shit moving upwards wait but the we were talking the um people Really trying not to care The Lakers game last night Lizzo Oh Jesus, is that her?

[282] Yeah What is she doing now?

[283] And I actually, I went to the game last night And she wore this t -shirt That had this big hole in the back And she was just wearing a thong out of it My theory is that she forgot underwear And then cut it And she was like, I can fashion it out of this hole But I think that's calculated She, first of all, she's sitting on a seat Right there?

[284] Right there Her butt is on that plastic Delta court side scene.

[285] Well, you know, little Duval, you know Lil Duval, he had a great point.

[286] He put it on his Twitter page.

[287] He said, how come when little skinny hot girls wear no clothes, everybody gets mad at him and calls them sluts?

[288] But when big giant girls, I don't think he said big giant girls.

[289] I think he's just said big.

[290] I had a giant.

[291] He's like, when big girls dress like that, when big girls dress like that, everybody, celebrates.

[292] Well, my biggest problem with it is that, like, it's, you'll see all these women, I'm sure, being like, she's just confident.

[293] She's confident.

[294] And I'm like, why does it still have to be, like, it doesn't matter.

[295] It's still wrapped up in women, like, needing to feel sexy to feel confident.

[296] Right.

[297] Or I'm like.

[298] Right.

[299] Or you can just be a really good artist.

[300] No. No, to be confident, you have to stick your ass out.

[301] Yeah.

[302] It's super important.

[303] Yeah, it's very important.

[304] That's what people do when they're confident.

[305] Yeah.

[306] like when baboons when they're in estrus look at her there dancing around well you also got to remember she's only been getting a lot oh jesus christ how long is she been getting attention for it hasn't been that long i feel like i've only known about her for like a year yeah so this is all new you know yeah look she's like she's got an old iphone have you see that iPhone back that up jamie back that up that shit had bezzles on it look See the bezzles on that phone?

[307] Back up.

[308] Look at that.

[309] See that?

[310] See the top?

[311] See the bottom?

[312] She got an old iPhone.

[313] I said, oh, so do I. Do you?

[314] Yeah.

[315] Oh, you might be one of them weird people who likes to do it as a choice.

[316] I just don't want a bigger phone.

[317] Oh, okay.

[318] It doesn't fit in my pocket.

[319] I get it.

[320] They're coming out with a new one, a new iPhone that's a real small one.

[321] Yeah.

[322] A four -inch one.

[323] She called it a lady phone.

[324] Lady phone.

[325] See how mad people get.

[326] Well, look for people that are tired of fucking staring at their screen all day.

[327] Maybe it would be, like, less interesting.

[328] Are you one of those people that wants to get into like flip phones again?

[329] No, I have thought about getting a flip phone, but the problem is everybody I messages me. Yeah.

[330] And then that gets, I've switched over to Android before it.

[331] It becomes a disaster.

[332] You miss half the messages.

[333] Apple fucks you.

[334] They're trying to keep you from switching over.

[335] Of course.

[336] It's genius.

[337] Well, when they figured out the blue text, too, the blue bubble carries status.

[338] Yeah.

[339] You know, someone with a green bubble, just like, what's wrong with you?

[340] Like, what are you doing?

[341] Yeah, I mean, get your life together.

[342] Or you're one of them tech weirdos, like deep, deep, deep in tech.

[343] Like, you use Linux.

[344] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[345] You're just, like, coding all the time a little bit.

[346] Like, you have your own, like, you made, like, your own phone program.

[347] Yeah.

[348] Like, what do they do with their phones when they don't, it's not jailbreaking?

[349] You do that with an iPhone, but you do something different with the, is it the same?

[350] I think the same thing, yeah.

[351] I thought it was, I thought it had a different name because I don't think it's jail.

[352] Oh, I know what you mean?

[353] What is it called?

[354] It's like, you do something.

[355] There's various words for it depends on.

[356] bootloading stuff like that yeah something like that so basically what they do is they erase everything off of the phone start fresh with a clean version of Android and then they add their own skins and they add their own loaders whatever makes them happy launchers they have launchers different launchers which launcher are you using they get really geeked out because with Android you could change everything I don't care I went back and forth I tried I tried Android to see But the Apple experience is smoother.

[357] It's a smoother experience.

[358] I have a friend who only uses an iPad and can only get messages when it's connected to Wi -Fi.

[359] Whoa.

[360] Yeah.

[361] It's very frustrating when you're trying to get a hold of that person.

[362] I have a friend who does that too.

[363] Is it your friend Ari Shafir?

[364] I mean, Ari does it too.

[365] But it's the same kind of thing.

[366] Oh, I know another guy who does that too.

[367] I bet I know who you're talking about.

[368] Maybe.

[369] Yeah.

[370] Yeah, he does that.

[371] But, yeah, Ari, I mean, he'll get...

[372] Well, Ari is an addict, and he knows it.

[373] He understands it, and I respect the fact that he made a proactive move.

[374] Yeah.

[375] To, like, say, look, this is fucking dumb.

[376] I have to figure out a way to not stare at my phone all day.

[377] I'll just get a flip phone.

[378] Right.

[379] But then he was, like, texting with the thumbs, doing that T -9 thing.

[380] Oof.

[381] Atel has a flip -phone.

[382] Oh, yeah.

[383] Well, he has an iPhone, too.

[384] Oh.

[385] Like, literally, iPhone, too.

[386] Like, you remember two?

[387] He does.

[388] It is.

[389] It's a second generation iPhone.

[390] It's hilarious.

[391] He pulls it out of his pocket.

[392] Like, what?

[393] He's like fucking receipts and diner matches and shit.

[394] He pulls it this old -ass iPhone.

[395] It tells hilarious.

[396] Not just hilarious as a comic, but hilarious is a human character.

[397] He's one of my favorites.

[398] He, every once in a while, he'll do like a joke check and you'll get this weird text from him that's like, hey, does anyone have anything about raccoons and cats eating flags or something?

[399] You know, it's like just a comic.

[400] combination of like it's like a mad lib you're like no i've i've not heard that one before well i guess when you're a guy like him too if you're writing joke jokes all the time like everything's a joke joke yeah like he you never know if you heard that before like you can don't you're like your memory only holds so much of course and and he's like i mean his joke he is all punch life yes that's all it is but um bum yeah yeah and it's great it's fucking the best but it is one of those things where it's like yeah does anyone have jokes about like smores and and hot air balloons you know he's to me to me he's the most underappreciated master of our age yeah you know like he's a like legitimate master comedian and you know he doesn't get the kind of love that he should like from the general public because he has zero marketing right zero anything other than people saying he's awesome and people seeing him be awesome yeah you know and he's one of the rare guys that got sober and got better.

[401] He really did.

[402] And also he'll bring candy to the club every once in a while, which I love candy.

[403] So I'm always happy.

[404] Like he gives it to people?

[405] Like he'll just bring bags of candy to the cellar every once in a while.

[406] And I'm like, I did want a little baby Ruth.

[407] Just brings candy for people?

[408] Yeah.

[409] She's the best.

[410] Everybody loves them.

[411] Like, nobody will tell you they hate a tell.

[412] Yeah.

[413] I've never heard that once.

[414] He had this one, there's this one story of him doing crowd work.

[415] There was like a group of like, Latino women in the front and mean mugging the whole time just arms crossed like every enough that comics were talking about it you know like after their set they'd be like yeah but then there's these women in the front we couldn't break them at all Attel gets on stage looks immediately at them and she goes he goes oh why so sad did Selena die again oh my god that's funny And everyone laughed, they laughed.

[416] Like, it's just like, but he has that like laser vision where he can just, he like sees it in the crowd.

[417] He has the perfect reference for it.

[418] Did Selena die again?

[419] Holy shit, that's funny.

[420] Oh my God, that's funny.

[421] They would have to laugh at that.

[422] You have to.

[423] You can't not.

[424] Oh, my God, that's so funny.

[425] Did Selena die again?

[426] Holy fuck.

[427] Oh my God He's one of the greatest For sure Like legitimately one of the greatest ever Just doesn't get enough credit But there's a lot of in that in comedy right now too Like I mean he's been around for decades And should definitely be like widely loved Who else?

[428] But like some of the younger guys too It's like you know like this Mark Norman, Samarelle Dan Soder Joe list Soder just had a special I'm not saying they're not getting some It's just like I feel like they're all underappreciation You know, like they're guys that are like great joke writers, you know, and it's like hard for them to sell specials now because it's, you know, I don't know, people are like, you're a straight white guy.

[429] Is that real?

[430] I think it is, yeah.

[431] But isn't like, I mean, there are straight white guys.

[432] What's that, that fuck, John Malaney.

[433] He's straight white guy allegedly.

[434] Pretty sure he is, yeah.

[435] But he has characteristics that make you go, hmm.

[436] He does.

[437] He looks.

[438] nice, he's presentable, he has a small dog, you know.

[439] There's a lot going on there.

[440] But I'm pretty, I'm pretty confident.

[441] Dress as well.

[442] Yeah, yeah.

[443] Stylish.

[444] Very good comic, though.

[445] I think he's just old -timey, you know.

[446] That's right it is.

[447] They were gay in the old days.

[448] Yeah.

[449] That's why the Flintstones will have a gay old time.

[450] Right?

[451] Oh, now I just want to see a gay Flintstones remake.

[452] They should do that.

[453] Be inclusive.

[454] Don't be bigots.

[455] You're going to remake all these shows.

[456] Let's do a gay Flintstone.

[457] Like, if you think back, like, Fred Astaire and things like that.

[458] Yeah.

[459] If there was a guy like that today, you're like, that poor guy, come out of the closet.

[460] Of course you would.

[461] Yeah.

[462] And you're just like, no, he's just a straight tap dancer.

[463] No chance.

[464] Who the fuck is a straight tap dancer?

[465] Sorry, straight tap dancers.

[466] Yeah, sorry, Savian Glover.

[467] There's got to be straight tap dancers.

[468] I mean, they must exist.

[469] But white ones?

[470] White straight tap dancers?

[471] I mean.

[472] I don't even know of white guys tap dance anymore There's a few There's like four Yeah Didn't you know?

[473] No, they're all living in Pennsylvania Hey They're all thinking of getting out That's where I'm from My parents used to live outside of Wilkesbury Really?

[474] I'm from Hershey Oh shit Yeah, yeah Boy, it smells out there Yeah Cows, right?

[475] So in town it would either smell like chocolate Because of the factory Or poop Cows or chocolate Yeah Boy, that's a confusing way to grow up Yeah, it really is How many people live in Hershey?

[476] I think it's like 30 ,000 maybe You get about 30 ,000 deer around there too Yeah, a lot of deer We have a day of school for deer hunting Oh, day off school?

[477] Yeah, it was always the Monday after Thanksgiving That's when deer season started Pennsylvania I mean a lot of venison I bet you have Yeah You want some?

[478] I got some I'm good right now Okay I used to eat venison bologna It's really good Yeah You get used to eating wild game and you start preferring it yeah well i have i have a lot of like a lot of people i know that hunt out there they're bow and error hunters yeah which i kind of appreciate that a lot that's what i do yeah really yeah that's all i do i haven't hunted with a rifle in years do you have to wait for a long time for things it's harder it's more nerve -racking it's more difficult to make a good shot it's uh it requires way more practice like you could if you know how to shoot a gun like if i had a good rest with a rifle.

[479] I haven't shot, well, I shot a rifle a couple months ago, but if I hadn't shot a rifle, like I shot an elk once and I hadn't shot a rifle in a year.

[480] Yeah.

[481] And if you have a rest and the rifle's on the rest and the rest is steady, all it is about trigger discipline.

[482] It's just squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, boom, let it go off on its own.

[483] Just don't jerk the trigger, keep the crosshair on the animal and it's not that hard.

[484] Right.

[485] But bow hunting is like a lifestyle.

[486] It's a different thing.

[487] For the guys who do it, It's like when you eat something, like we ate elk last night in my house.

[488] I shot that elk with a bow and arrow in Utah.

[489] You know, like I was there.

[490] I saw everything.

[491] I cut it up.

[492] Do you butcher it yourself?

[493] I didn't butcher it myself, but we quartered it, which means you take the legs off and the back straps off and you take all the big parts of meat.

[494] And then I send it to a butcher and they'll make sausages and cut it into roast.

[495] How do you get the elk back to California?

[496] Cooler.

[497] Just like on the plane?

[498] Yep.

[499] Yetty.

[500] Yeti coolers, they have these things called a Yeti hopper.

[501] So it's like a bag, like a big bag, like about this big.

[502] And you can get two backstraps in there from an elk.

[503] Elk backstrap's like, you know, elk's a big animal.

[504] I just love the idea that there's all these people on planes with like, they're going to L .A. with their little dog.

[505] And there's just like elk meat in storage.

[506] Yeah, I put it in the overhead.

[507] You put it in the overhead?

[508] Yeah.

[509] Wait, for real.

[510] For real.

[511] You have elk meat.

[512] 100%.

[513] But that's great.

[514] That's how I carry it back.

[515] Yeah.

[516] Well, you have to, look, if you, I could either send all of it to the, but the backstrap's What happens when you put it through security?

[517] Are they like, what's going on here?

[518] Oh, you got an elk.

[519] Oh, really?

[520] I mean, they know, in places like Utah, they're used to that.

[521] I mean, this makes me so mad because I had an Alexander McQueen purse.

[522] You know the ones, you guys know Alexander McQueen purses, right?

[523] You're familiar with the line.

[524] They have ones that have, like, rings that you, like, Like, you put your hand through, and it's like a bunch of rings attached to the purse.

[525] Well, I brought it through security, and they were like, no, you have to check this because it looks like brass knuckles.

[526] Oh, come on.

[527] And so I had to check my McQueen purse, my little quilted pet and leather McQueen purse.

[528] That is so ridiculous.

[529] And you can bring elk.

[530] Well, Tony Hinchcliffe tried to bring a pool stick.

[531] We went to, this is what's, here's what's really crazy.

[532] We went to Phoenix this past weekend.

[533] We're working together, and my friend Scott Frost has a, shout out to Scott Frost, has a place in Tempe, this big pool hall.

[534] Scott's like a big -time gambler, pool player, professional pool player, a very famous guy in the world of pool.

[535] And so we were going to go and play at his place.

[536] And so Tony brought his pool queue.

[537] And in L .A., he didn't even check it.

[538] He just walked right through security with a pool queue.

[539] Pool is totally illegal to bring on a plane.

[540] So we're walking around L .A .X. And I go, hey, man, you have a fucking pool queue with you?

[541] He goes, yeah, I go, how did you do that?

[542] He goes, I just walked right through.

[543] I go, what?

[544] He goes, yeah, I just walked through.

[545] I go, dude, that's illegal.

[546] You can't have that.

[547] He goes, I'm pretty sure it's legal now.

[548] So on the way back from Phoenix, they were like, what the fuck are you doing?

[549] He's like, oh, I'm just going to bring the pool queue on the plane.

[550] And I was like, no, you're not.

[551] Go check that shit.

[552] So he had to go back out.

[553] We had to hold on to his bags.

[554] He went back out, and he had to go back to the counter and check it and come back.

[555] Wait, why is it so illegal?

[556] Because you could beat someone to death with it.

[557] Oh, right.

[558] I was thinking poke.

[559] I guess you can do that too You just You somehow get into the You're just like poke in the back of their heads They're going to They annoyed me so much He made us fly to Miami No it's a hardwood club Basically Oh that's yeah I'm dumb That's a better That would be a better way to use a weapon How many ever watch a Steven Seagal movie Oh right Yeah It gets people up a pool cues There's fucking karate on them and shit.

[560] But there's so much stuff like that.

[561] Oh, yeah.

[562] Well, they sell glass bottles inside the terminal, which you could break.

[563] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[564] And then have a glass weapon.

[565] Right, but don't they hold those?

[566] Like, when you have duty -free, don't they hold on that stuff?

[567] And then you get it later or something?

[568] I think you can buy glass bottles of, like, sparkling water in, like, throughout the thing.

[569] I think you can.

[570] Yeah, you definitely can buy a bottle of water, like a water bottle.

[571] Can you buy like a Voss bottle?

[572] I think so.

[573] I've never seen one.

[574] I think they have the little glass sparkling ones.

[575] I might be wrong.

[576] We might both be full of shit here.

[577] Yeah.

[578] Let's fight it out.

[579] I brought a big, big fucking knife once on a plane.

[580] Really?

[581] Went right through security at LAX.

[582] Again, with a big...

[583] No. My friend Jocko gave me this knife.

[584] Shout out to Jocko.

[585] He gave me this knife and I had it in my fanny pack.

[586] And it just went right through security.

[587] I mean, it's a fucking click.

[588] A big hefty knife.

[589] Yeah.

[590] And I was like, whoa.

[591] I got back to my place And, you know, I was like, I was in my hotel room And then I noticed I had it.

[592] I was like, holy shit.

[593] Well, look, I get excited when I can get hair product through.

[594] What's the rule on hair products?

[595] Well, it's supposed to be under whatever three ounces, but every once in now I'll forget or like I'll be like running late And I'll throw in like the full size bottle.

[596] Crazy.

[597] And luckily a lot of times it'll be like black women.

[598] They'll be like, they'll see it and they'll be like, no, if it's fine, go ahead.

[599] I'll be like, thank you so much.

[600] Oh, my God.

[601] Well, they know you're not a fucking terrorist.

[602] It's so ridiculous.

[603] And also, it's hard to find, you know, the right hair product in some of the places we go.

[604] They were going to let people bring knives again.

[605] They were going to let people bring four -inch knives, and they were going to let people bring pool cues.

[606] But then I think something happened, and there was another event, oh, you know what it was?

[607] You remember at LAX where that guy shot one of the TSA agents, like, came to LAX with a rifle and shot a TSA agent?

[608] that's right when that was going down, then they locked it down.

[609] So if I was a conspiracy theorist, I'd say they don't want us bringing little knives and pool cues, so they shot that guy.

[610] It's a false flag.

[611] I mean, it's logical, though.

[612] I can follow the logic.

[613] It's just what you can and can't bring is crazy.

[614] How come you could bring a skateboard?

[615] I could beat someone to death of a skateboard.

[616] Oh, yeah.

[617] Way better than a pool cue.

[618] Yeah, also it's like you couldn't just have a bunch of three -ounce things.

[619] that you combine together.

[620] Yeah, make a big bomb?

[621] Yeah, you have a bunch of three -ounce things in an empty tub.

[622] What's the empty tub for?

[623] Why does it have a fuse?

[624] You don't know.

[625] You don't know.

[626] Right, it could be anything.

[627] Yeah.

[628] Right, like those little two.

[629] You could definitely take something and I probably shouldn't even say this.

[630] Yeah.

[631] I don't want to give anybody any ideas.

[632] Because what if I did say that and then someone did do that?

[633] See, there's a lot of people that are really crazy and not that creative.

[634] Right.

[635] You know?

[636] Yeah.

[637] Yeah, they're just like, ah, if only they're, I knew a way to do this.

[638] It's like, use your brain, buddy.

[639] Like the shoe bomber, that fucking asshole.

[640] Now everybody has to take their shoes off.

[641] Nobody took their shoes off before that.

[642] Because he had a bad shoe bomb.

[643] It was terrible.

[644] Yeah.

[645] But he was trying to light it in front of everybody.

[646] He didn't even do it in the bathroom, the fucking idiot.

[647] Is that what you do?

[648] You light bombs?

[649] If I was going to light a bomb, I'd light it in the bathroom.

[650] Yeah.

[651] I would.

[652] Just light it, flush it.

[653] And then.

[654] Oh.

[655] And then start walking.

[656] Like, you don't even know what's happening.

[657] Like, one of the action movies where the bomb goes off behind you.

[658] Yeah, yeah.

[659] That's what you do.

[660] Just walk.

[661] Just walk down the aisle.

[662] You're just hoping someone Instagrams it at the right time, too.

[663] You're like, oh, we're all going to die.

[664] But also, what a good post.

[665] But also, hopefully your phone is really durable.

[666] Yeah.

[667] Makes the trip.

[668] They can extract this video.

[669] It fell from this guy, and we did get this amazing action photo.

[670] Yeah, it's a weird thing that everybody, get super, super, super checked when you go to the mall.

[671] You don't get super, super, super check.

[672] There's all these other places where you don't get super, super checked.

[673] Yeah.

[674] I mean, I feel like there should just be metal detectors everywhere.

[675] How hard is it to get on a train?

[676] Very easy.

[677] Yeah.

[678] I take, I take, I love an Amtrak.

[679] Do you take guns?

[680] Well, I don't have any, but you could.

[681] Yeah, you could.

[682] Poisoned.

[683] You know, only if I'm trying to kill somebody.

[684] But yeah, you can just get on.

[685] You can get to the train station.

[686] If you're there like a minute before the train leaves, you can get on the train.

[687] Like there's nothing.

[688] They don't look for anything.

[689] Yeah, you just hop on.

[690] You hop right on.

[691] You ride the rails.

[692] You get to look at the beautiful scenery.

[693] I love a train.

[694] I do love a train in Europe.

[695] I was with my family in Italy and we took a train ride.

[696] They do trains really well out there.

[697] It was great.

[698] It was beautiful.

[699] Sit back, watch the countryside.

[700] Drink a Diet Coke.

[701] It was wonderful.

[702] They like in the UK They have like really good service on trains too If you take one of the virgin trains or whatever They come through and they're like But they have snacks they have Imagine being like in the old West times When they had those really nice first class trains That were going across the country Yeah chucka chugga chugga chugger And like everyone's dressed like a gentleman and the lady Yeah And you're just like Everyone looks beautiful Everything's velvet Yeah velvet.

[703] Velvet was classic They really liked velvet Why was that you think?

[704] I think it probably just felt soft and maybe it was expensive.

[705] And it just showed that you were wealthy.

[706] And then all the stains too.

[707] Do you know that they used to use beaver pelts to like line the inside of their hats?

[708] Really?

[709] Yeah.

[710] Like that was like a big thing.

[711] Like beavers would line the inside of the hats.

[712] And there was something about the inside of hats that they used mercury.

[713] And the mercury made people go crazy.

[714] Yeah.

[715] I was going to say that sounds like a bad idea.

[716] So that's where the expression, Mad Hats, Hatter came from.

[717] Really?

[718] It came from people not knowing that mercury was poison.

[719] So they were putting mercury in their fucking hats.

[720] This is how like I'm just like, yeah, 100 % I'm pretty sure that's true.

[721] I 100 % believe you.

[722] It sounds ridiculous.

[723] Is that true?

[724] I think it's totally true, right?

[725] I definitely think someone told me that on this podcast.

[726] My hard drive is so over full, so overful.

[727] Like I run into people and I go, oh, I know that guy.

[728] I'm like, fuck, he was on my podcast a month ago.

[729] Of course I know him.

[730] Like, literally, it's like, I'm forgetting everything.

[731] I'm wondering if it's just getting old.

[732] This is, what, something crazy?

[733] Yeah, all right.

[734] So, this is the explanation I just read on this, corrosion doctors .org, which I don't know, the validity of it.

[735] But so it was camel hair that was used as the felt material.

[736] In order to soften that up and speed up the softening process, they would use camel urine to process that.

[737] So as that became more popular, the French, workmen that were doing that would use their own urine to soften it some of them were being treated for syphilis with mercury whoa that would then bleed into it lead to some problems imagine you get some syphilis piss in the inside of your fancy hat sounds like a lot I mean this is what you get for having sex outside at marriage that's what I'm saying or even inside of marriage imagine if you wait all those days and she still gives you the clap like fuck god damn it they might have even used The mercury to process it and skipped all the pee process, but that's the first, the first paragraph says it was urine that did it and then.

[738] That's crazy.

[739] Yeah, I mean, I think I'd rather wear my own pee than a camel's pee.

[740] Yeah, or a dude with syphilis.

[741] Yeah.

[742] You ever see people, the pictures of people when they used to die from syphilis?

[743] No. It's a rough way to go.

[744] You get holes in your head.

[745] Oh, Jesus.

[746] Yeah, your nose falls off.

[747] It's fucking horrific.

[748] Maybe that's what Michael Jackson had.

[749] I don't think so.

[750] People develop like big, big holes.

[751] holes in their skin.

[752] Like there's this one guy.

[753] Lindsay Fitzherris, that's her name, right?

[754] She was, she's a woman who's got this amazing Instagram page.

[755] And she specializes in ancient medical procedures.

[756] She shows you the horrors of ancient surgery.

[757] Right.

[758] And one of the things she was showing us was photos of people who died from syphilis.

[759] Oh, that's, oh, here's another one.

[760] Old medicine is terrifying.

[761] Oh, terrifying.

[762] Terrifying.

[763] Like, I just don't even know who became doctors back then.

[764] They were like, I got this crazy idea that'll get rid of your blood and it's just more.

[765] They just practice on people.

[766] Well, that's where wigs came from.

[767] You know, like, when you used to see old, like, rich dudes wearing wigs.

[768] That was from syphilis.

[769] People had syphilis.

[770] Oh, you mean our founding father?

[771] This lady's face is falling off from syphilis.

[772] Oh, geez.

[773] Shouldn't be a whore.

[774] Yeah, well, you know what?

[775] Look at that one down in the middle.

[776] Look at that guy in the middle with his nose.

[777] That's from syphilis.

[778] And he's still alive?

[779] Or is he dead there?

[780] No, he's dying.

[781] I mean, he's not still alive today.

[782] But look at him.

[783] He looks like, look at his right eye.

[784] His right eye still normal.

[785] He's probably like, I shouldn't have fucked that whore.

[786] That's one of those things.

[787] Look at him.

[788] He's like, God, damn it.

[789] Can't believe him.

[790] I got a fucking hole in my head.

[791] He's just like, he just keeps walking around being like, it was worth it.

[792] Yes.

[793] Oh, yeah.

[794] I came so hard.

[795] Fuck this face.

[796] But the wig thing came from France.

[797] It came from, that's why, like, the expression big wig, the more money you had, the bigger the wig you got.

[798] And it all came from these royal guys.

[799] I think they were cousins, royalty, but they had syphilis.

[800] Their fucking hair was falling out, so they had wigs made.

[801] And so because these guys were the shit, they're like basically the male Kardashians of the day.

[802] Everybody started copying them, and people, probably a bunch of other people had syphilis as well.

[803] Their hair was falling out.

[804] So they all got wigs.

[805] So, like, when you see, like, a bunch of people in the old days that were in court, and how the judge and everyone would wear powdered wigs.

[806] All that started because of syphilis.

[807] You know that's first of all hilarious to think that everyone was like in court when they're like, so how's your syphilis?

[808] They didn't even know what it was.

[809] They barely knew what syphilis was.

[810] I got a hole in the head disease.

[811] I just lost all my hair, but look at this wig.

[812] I'm pimping.

[813] There's also, do you know, you ever watch like British crime dramas?

[814] Yes.

[815] They still wear those wigs for court.

[816] For court.

[817] I'm basing British crime dramas on what I think they actually still do in Britain.

[818] I feel like they do it on TV.

[819] They must still do it.

[820] They must.

[821] In court.

[822] I wonder when they stop doing it over here, when they're like, enough.

[823] I wonder who's the last guy I wore a wig?

[824] Fuck you, I'm keeping it.

[825] Who is the last guy who kept the powdered wig over here?

[826] Yeah, like the one, he was, it was definitely a bald guy.

[827] He was a holdout.

[828] Look, look, look at these assholes.

[829] Oh, my God, that is crazy.

[830] Those are terrible wigs, too.

[831] Those are not even kind of wigs.

[832] It's like a hat.

[833] It looks like a little carpet.

[834] Yeah, it doesn't look like anybody's head.

[835] It looks like a little format.

[836] Like a sheep.

[837] That's like a really well -cared -for and groomed sheep.

[838] Yeah.

[839] Like when someone loves their sheep and they brush it.

[840] My uncle's a sheep farmer.

[841] For real?

[842] For real.

[843] In Pennsylvania?

[844] In Ohio.

[845] Really?

[846] Yeah.

[847] Look at these guys.

[848] Look at these guys.

[849] This is today.

[850] They're Tories.

[851] Yeah.

[852] What's a Tory?

[853] Is that a lawyer?

[854] It's one of their parties.

[855] Look at the fucking, look at those guys wearing those stupid wigs and everybody else is modern behind them and around.

[856] They're just wearing a wig, but they also pull out their phone.

[857] They got that stupid old wig on.

[858] What's that?

[859] A little white bow tie they have to wear too.

[860] Oh, a little white bowtie.

[861] What's going on in the back of his head?

[862] The guy in the far right?

[863] What is that?

[864] It looks like a tail.

[865] Like he's got a rat tail.

[866] Is that other guy?

[867] Is the guy behind him picking his nose?

[868] I hope so.

[869] Yes, he is.

[870] Yes, he is.

[871] You are correct.

[872] That's why you don't get a wig, sir.

[873] You're a dirty fuck picking your nose.

[874] What happened to the picture?

[875] I accidentally dragged it.

[876] Oh.

[877] Yeah.

[878] So this is fairly recent.

[879] I mean, it's modern color photography.

[880] Yeah.

[881] I'm pretty sure they still do it.

[882] This is 2019, so.

[883] So look at the old picture down there, the painting, the far, the bottom of the screen, right there.

[884] Yeah.

[885] Look at that.

[886] That's what they used to do.

[887] Look at these weirdos.

[888] Kind of looks like my hair.

[889] Ho -ho.

[890] He's got a syphilis scar on his face.

[891] He's got a hole.

[892] Yeah.

[893] You look into his cheek.

[894] Oh, God.

[895] But he's still probably nutting in people.

[896] Everything sexual back then had to be terrible.

[897] Oh, disgusting.

[898] The smells.

[899] Oh, there's so many smells.

[900] But people get horny enough.

[901] They don't care about smells.

[902] That's why dudes in prison fuck dudes.

[903] They get to a point they're like, who cares?

[904] God, I can't imagine.

[905] Well, it's like you only, we have standards until, like, you get desperate.

[906] You have standards until you don't have options.

[907] Yes.

[908] Ooh, that's a perfect way to phrase it.

[909] You nailed it.

[910] You have standards until you don't have options.

[911] Yeah, that's true.

[912] It's like people get, look at these guys.

[913] What the hell?

[914] African judges still wear wigs.

[915] I just kept scrolling and they started getting weirder.

[916] What is this?

[917] Well, hold on, this might be some social justice warrior stuff.

[918] Click on that.

[919] Why African judges still wearing wigs is a glaring symbol of British colonel.

[920] Well, of course it is, right?

[921] Yeah, but also, if they still want to wear them, let them wear them.

[922] They want to look cool.

[923] Stop it.

[924] Opinion, Brittany, or whoever this is.

[925] Look how they did the top, though.

[926] They kind of like fluffed out the top.

[927] They made a little different.

[928] Yeah.

[929] Add their own twist to it.

[930] Yeah, I mean, you know, you got to put your own style.

[931] But I guess, like, having a judge where, like, today, why do they wear those stupid fucking robes?

[932] Those are outdated.

[933] We're making fun of wigs, but we're not making fun of these goddamn wizard robes they wear?

[934] Yeah, the robes are weird, too.

[935] Like the Supreme Court, they still wear the robes.

[936] What do the women wear?

[937] Did they wear that?

[938] Look at this guy.

[939] Hey, what's up?

[940] That guy looks like a...

[941] I don't want that long.

[942] A little tight.

[943] A perm.

[944] I'm pretty sure that's a character from an Eddie Murphy movie.

[945] He's got a nice watch though.

[946] Look, he's got a nice watch, fat ring.

[947] I think they wear...

[948] I think they...

[949] Do they wear the robes so that you can't tell, like...

[950] If they're beaten off?

[951] Yeah.

[952] You can't tell if they have a boner?

[953] I think they wear the robes to symbolize that there's something special.

[954] but they're much more important than you I was thinking it was like to hide any sort of affiliation to anything That would be the charitable way of looking at it Yeah I think they wear the robes because they're mystical Like they're the ones who are They have control of the law Right, we understand We rule Bang bang bang they have a hammer I would be a terrible judge Because I wouldn't be able to just I wouldn't just I'd be like No I just don't like this guy You'd be a comedy judge There wasn't there There was a bunch of those shows where they were trying to do them with comedians.

[955] I actually did a pilot once way back in the day where it was like a comedy court.

[956] I would love if we had comedy court.

[957] The idea was that you're going to bring people in with like disputes like, you know, you stole his records, that kind of shit.

[958] And then I would have to make a judgment and the judgment actually would stick.

[959] So people that had like small claims, they would go there.

[960] And I think Don Arara did one too.

[961] I think Don Marrera did a pilot for one of those.

[962] there was a few of those floating around for a while i think it'd be fun if we had comedy court now but like in the way where a lot of us comedians got to decide if you get to stay in comedy or not it's like no no you've been doing too much social justice stuff you're you're you're you're barred for the next six months yeah get back to writing jokes if you criticize someone for something and then we can pull up you doing that exact same kind of joke like if you if you get real social justice see yeah About a bit.

[963] And then we go, oh, look at this.

[964] 10 years ago, you fuck.

[965] Yeah.

[966] You did the exact same jokes.

[967] I mean, that's what people do on Twitter all the time.

[968] Oh, yeah.

[969] They're just like, it's so great because people are like, yeah, I can't believe you do this.

[970] It's so racist.

[971] And then, of course, minutes later, it's like, again, so were these times you use the N -word back in 2012.

[972] Well, back in the early days of Twitter, no one totally understood what it was.

[973] Well, for me, it was, I was still had a day job.

[974] And I used it every day.

[975] I just wrote jokes all of the time.

[976] Just like constantly, I'd read news stories and I'd practice joke writing.

[977] I had five followers and I was brand new to stand up.

[978] You know, like, it was nothing.

[979] And then it became a place of importance.

[980] And I was like, I got to delete everything.

[981] Everything.

[982] Once you start getting actual gigs, like, oh, no, this could fuck me. And then you've got to wonder, like, today people just store and wait.

[983] They'll store and wait for you to get something Oh, Comedy Central wants to give you a show I wonder if they know about this Yeah Michelle You fucking piece of shit Look what you said It's like come on Yeah well it's also Back then no one understood What it was Right Like they didn't understand what they were doing So it's like you thought you were talking shit to friends Right it's like Ashton Coucher was like the first First guy with Twitter Yeah Like, we didn't think, no one knew, and that was during, like, the heyday of punked, you know, like, we didn't know this was going to turn into a thing where, you know, it would cause, like, a, what was it, the spring rebellion in Egypt or whatever, you know, like.

[984] You remember when it would be your at, like, at Michelle Wolfe is eating pizza?

[985] Like, you would say that, you would, it was a weird way of communicating.

[986] You wouldn't say just stuff.

[987] You would always say the at thing is doing something.

[988] Right.

[989] It was real weird, like Jamie Vernon is working right now.

[990] Right.

[991] Like that would be a real tweet.

[992] It was like a status update.

[993] It was very, yeah, yeah, it was weird.

[994] And then, you know, somewhere along the line, it was like, this guy touched my tit.

[995] What?

[996] What happened?

[997] Yeah.

[998] And then it became like a reporting.

[999] And then it was like news.

[1000] Like if some, there was like a, you know, some breaking, some rebellion in some foreign country.

[1001] People would be tweeting updates and do you, you've been paying attention to Hong Kong?

[1002] Yes.

[1003] Holy shit.

[1004] The videos from Hong Kong, they have not stopped.

[1005] Yeah.

[1006] They're still going strong.

[1007] The crazy thing is like, you heard a little bit about it in America.

[1008] And then when the NBA stuff happened, they were finally like, then everyone heard about Hong Kong.

[1009] And you were like, wait, it took basketball to get this to make the news.

[1010] And even then it was still Sports Center.

[1011] Well, it was people didn't want to criticize China.

[1012] Look at that.

[1013] Look at that fucking photo.

[1014] But also, I got to say, again, shout out to China is as soon as the basketball.

[1015] basketball stuff started happening, the next morning they were painting over murals and taking things down.

[1016] I was like, these guys do not fuck around.

[1017] What was the controversy?

[1018] It was one of the, it was like a GM or something from the Houston Rockets.

[1019] He tweeted something in support of the Hong Kong protests.

[1020] And China immediately was like, nope, no more NBA.

[1021] We're not putting it on the TV.

[1022] And the thing is, a lot of NBA players have like huge shoe deals and like other endorsement deals in, China and like they might have an entirely separate shoe deal in China that's making them millions of dollars and so the players were sort of like hey hey let's backtrack on this a little bit they did backtrack right yeah human rights are not that important what's really important is Nike listen I got it China is at least a little bit upfront that they don't care about human rights sort of right like like here we kind of like gloss over it we're like it's like we go like an extra step to pretend that we care about human rights but we're not the best at it either we're not the best but we're we might be the best of the big countries uh i don't know who's better Canada Canada maybe but they're weird they have human rights like well they also have stuff like you're not allowed to yeah you're not you can get in trouble if you're saying stuff yeah well you know that kid mike ward you know he is that comic yeah he just lost his case where he's supposed to pay $35 ,000 because he made a joke about a there was a kid who was sick and everybody donated money and then like a bunch of years later the kid was still alive and he made a joke like can I get my fucking money back how's that kid still alive see see it was pretty good joke I mean obviously he didn't really mean it it's not a statement he's not saying this like right he's being funny he's being a stand -up comedian.

[1023] That's what he does.

[1024] And they fucking sued him and they won.

[1025] And so this has been going on forever.

[1026] Mike was on my podcast two years ago, three years.

[1027] How many years ago, Jamie?

[1028] I don't think it was at this spot.

[1029] Was it?

[1030] I think it was the old spot.

[1031] It was a year ago?

[1032] Okay, so it was at this spot.

[1033] And it was still going on.

[1034] And he just recently lost.

[1035] So it started, I believe, two years before that.

[1036] So it's been going on for several years.

[1037] You and Ari actually talked about it in 20.

[1038] 2016 or something.

[1039] Yeah, I remember there was one year at Montreal that people were talking about it.

[1040] What's a big deal?

[1041] I mean, Canada's weird.

[1042] There was another comic who got heckled by this.

[1043] They were in, I think this was in Vancouver.

[1044] And they were at a yuck yucks, I think.

[1045] Maybe I'm making this up.

[1046] I don't remember where it was.

[1047] But someone was on stage and this lesbian couple was heckling.

[1048] And they were heckling a bunch of comedians.

[1049] He got up and called him a bunch of dykes and said some crazy shit to them.

[1050] And they fucking...

[1051] I was like, heckles out of context are so funny.

[1052] It was lesbian, caught him a bunch of dykes.

[1053] You're like, what?

[1054] Well, you know, people get drunk and they yell stuff out at comedy clubs and it was disruptive.

[1055] And so that comic wound up having to pay money too.

[1056] That comic got sued.

[1057] I think he lost...

[1058] I want to say it was a lot of money.

[1059] I want to say it was like $100 ,000 or something crazy.

[1060] That's crazy.

[1061] Yeah.

[1062] It's also like, I don't know.

[1063] I don't like any time a comic is taken seriously.

[1064] Yeah.

[1065] Well, in that time, see, the thing is, heckles, it's like, is this comedy anymore?

[1066] Like, what's going on here?

[1067] Is there someone just, is someone's yelling at you while you're on stage?

[1068] They're disrupting your work.

[1069] Right.

[1070] And then your job is to make fun of them.

[1071] But if you just decide, listen, you fucking fat slob.

[1072] Yeah.

[1073] Like, oh my God, he called me fat.

[1074] Like, is that funny?

[1075] Also, are you fat?

[1076] Are you fat?

[1077] Are you a big old bulldog?

[1078] Did you hear about Elon?

[1079] case that he won this is kind of on the same topic because the pedal guy case where he's arguing that was a joke oh right yeah not serious you know why Elon won because he's got 28 billion dollars that's why he won and because uh wherever that dude was in Thailand they want some dope cars yeah he's like oh make you do he's like I'll give you those trucks totally cool I promise their windows don't break have you ever seen Kyle Dunnigan's uh face do you know Kyle Dunnigan's yeah I love swap videos with Elon yeah holy shit they're good I love he's the best he's so funny the best instagram page by far that one of my favorites is when he does the what's up chicken butt to his mom how about catty daddy catty daddy with annie letterman holy shit is it funny and he plays his daughter and he plays this like weirdly effeminate probably gay dad and just like gossipy like having sex with women you know like it's just like but he's like always gossipy about like uh celebrities and stuff like Oh my God, it's so funny.

[1080] It's so perfect.

[1081] But it's Caitlin Jenner's the best.

[1082] Yeah.

[1083] Because Caitlin Jenner's, that's the Coup de Gras.

[1084] Yeah, I love it.

[1085] You know, Comi Central, this is how fucking goofy they are over there, they were going to give him a show, you know, like a face swap show.

[1086] He was going to do a face swap show.

[1087] It would have been the best fucking show on their network.

[1088] Yeah.

[1089] But they were so bad in terms of like cutting controversial stuff out.

[1090] He had Caitlin Jenner fucking Donald Trump.

[1091] Like she was riding Donald Trump, you know, because he does a great.

[1092] Donald Trump, too.

[1093] Yeah.

[1094] And he showed it to me. I was in tears, in tears.

[1095] He goes, they cut this.

[1096] I go, what?

[1097] He goes, they said no to this.

[1098] I go, no. He goes, yes.

[1099] What was there a reason behind it?

[1100] Too controversial.

[1101] You can't make a friend of trans people.

[1102] But you're not making fun.

[1103] You're making fun of trans people.

[1104] Trans people are allowed to have sex with the president too.

[1105] No, no, no, no, no. You're mocking trans.

[1106] You're mocking people.

[1107] I think you're lifting up trans people.

[1108] Yeah, because she's on top.

[1109] She's fucking the shit on Trump.

[1110] She's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, fucking Trump.

[1111] I think that's a pretty good look for a trans person you know like it's not the worst look yeah yeah there is could be worse I mean and I think he she was a Republican yeah yeah yeah my favorite part was when you know there was the whole thing I was you know when all this was going out and she was winning women of the year I go do you understand that she's against gay marriage and gay friends and mom were like what I go do you understand this yeah do you understand this I want you to stop and pause before you decide this is a hero.

[1112] Yeah.

[1113] I want you to look into this.

[1114] This is a moron.

[1115] You have a moron who just happens to be transgender.

[1116] And just because she's a famous moron does not mean she's anything other than a moron.

[1117] Yeah.

[1118] Yeah, she's still not good.

[1119] No, her fucking, this is her response.

[1120] Why are you against gay marriage?

[1121] Well, I guess I'm just kind of a traditional girl.

[1122] She really said that.

[1123] Traditional girl?

[1124] This is where I wish we could get to with some of this stuff.

[1125] is that you can be like, yes, you have, I appreciate and respect everything about you being able to be trans.

[1126] I do not like you.

[1127] You're still, it's not because you're trans.

[1128] It has nothing to do with you being trans.

[1129] I don't like you as a person.

[1130] I think you're a bad person.

[1131] I don't know if she's a bad person.

[1132] I just think she's kind of a guy.

[1133] Well, like, but that's where I wish we could get to, you know, where it's like, no, no, this isn't about being anything, whatever the hot button issue that you are.

[1134] It's like, no, you're just still a shitty person.

[1135] Well, this is where the loophole has gone into women in sports, right?

[1136] That's where it's gone in.

[1137] This drives me crazy.

[1138] It should drive you crazy.

[1139] It drives me crazy, too.

[1140] Biological women are getting fucked.

[1141] Yes.

[1142] They're getting fucked over.

[1143] And they're not getting fucked like Trump with Caitlin on the job.

[1144] They're getting fucked the worst way.

[1145] And they're finally starting to step back.

[1146] The Olympic weightlifting, the people who do powerlifting tournament, they stopped it.

[1147] They won't let transgender women enter in and pretend to be a biological woman anymore.

[1148] Well, and there's one thing that, like, women have to, in order to, like, fight this correctly, women have to admit that men are physically stronger than us.

[1149] And they 100 % are.

[1150] Men are stronger than women.

[1151] But that's a crazy thing to say.

[1152] That's like admitting that women can have babies and men can't.

[1153] It's like, these are biological facts.

[1154] Of course.

[1155] But there's a thing, like, I mean, I've gotten into fights with people about Serena Williams, and they're saying, like, well, she could be any man. And I'm like, she literally can't.

[1156] She can't.

[1157] The last time she, I'm not saying she's not great, but the last time she played a against a man, he was like some guy who drinks and like, he was like, Rake 600th was like drinking, whatever.

[1158] He stomped her.

[1159] And she's still lost.

[1160] Yeah.

[1161] And this was back a couple years ago when she was like really at her peak.

[1162] Yeah.

[1163] It's not fair.

[1164] Like I say this all the time.

[1165] It's like, I love track, right?

[1166] But in high jump, the best woman in the world right now is jumping about six feet seven inches.

[1167] The best man in the world is jumping seven feet 11 inches.

[1168] That's close.

[1169] Yeah.

[1170] Close enough.

[1171] Let her in.

[1172] Put a skirt on.

[1173] It's also like, you know who else was jumping six, seven?

[1174] My friend Graham, when we were in high school.

[1175] He's an architect now.

[1176] He jumped six.

[1177] He jumped six, seven.

[1178] And he was a good high jumper, you know?

[1179] Like, he went to a D -1 school for it.

[1180] But like, he...

[1181] He would have been a world record holder if he was a woman.

[1182] World record holder.

[1183] Well, that's happening now.

[1184] You're getting world record holders now in weightlifting in particular where they're trans women.

[1185] Yeah.

[1186] It's not fair.

[1187] It's ridiculous.

[1188] It's ridiculous.

[1189] It was in fighting for a while.

[1190] There was a girl who was a man for.

[1191] 32 years became a woman for two and then started fighting women without telling them that she used to be a woman.

[1192] Yeah.

[1193] And so I came out against it and all these people were fucking mad.

[1194] I mean, I mean, dozens of articles written about what a piece of shit was.

[1195] And I was like, whoa, because I didn't understand how far this whole PC progressive culture had gotten in terms of like completely off the rails and not looking at things accurately.

[1196] I was like, come on, you got to be objective.

[1197] I'm not saying people can't be trans.

[1198] But what I'm saying is you can't not tell someone.

[1199] By the way, I'm 100 % for a woman fighting a man if she wants to.

[1200] If they weigh the same and she decides, I don't think it's smart.

[1201] I think it's very dangerous.

[1202] But some women can.

[1203] There's a woman who's fighting for the title this weekend, Jermaine Durandami.

[1204] She's a, see if you even find the video of Jermaine Durandami fucking this dude up.

[1205] She's a beast.

[1206] But she's a multiple time world kickboxing champion, Muay champion.

[1207] She's a fucking savage.

[1208] And she's fighting for the Bantamweight title this weekend in Vegas.

[1209] This is her.

[1210] This is her fucking up a dude.

[1211] See, now this, she just calculatedly decided that she was a better fighter than this guy and knew that even, look at this, fucking this dude up.

[1212] But he's trying.

[1213] He still clubbed her in the back of the head there.

[1214] Yeah.

[1215] Dangerous.

[1216] Fucking dangerous.

[1217] See, he's getting in trouble for clubbing her in the back of the head.

[1218] But she had a boxing match with this guy and fucking flattened him.

[1219] How is that guy ranked anything?

[1220] I don't know.

[1221] I don't know the specifics behind it.

[1222] but it's super risky for a woman to fight a man. Yes.

[1223] But she wanted the challenge, and I've completely supported.

[1224] Go to where she flattens them.

[1225] See, like, this dude is sweet.

[1226] It's fucking dangerous, but she's a super high -level fighter.

[1227] Right.

[1228] Boom, right there, son.

[1229] Outgo the lights.

[1230] You just got flatlined by a woman, kid.

[1231] Watch that again.

[1232] Back that up again.

[1233] But this is a, you're talking about a guy who's just a schmo.

[1234] I mean, not a bad fighter.

[1235] knows had a punch but that's a world champion so I'm if someone wants it like Jermaine Durand to me wants to do that I wouldn't say she couldn't do it you do whatever you want but the idea that you can not tell someone that you were a man for 30 years yeah I got into a conversation with this on Twitter back when I used to get in conversations with people right and uh this time of your life the lady actually said this to me she goes she's always been a woman and I go even when she fathered a child and she goes even then I go we're done we're done we're in crazy town now you're just making things up i mentally yes maybe she was always a woman mentally but physically you weren't so yeah it's the same thing like that's that mean mentally what does that mean i don't know i guess like you felt inside that you are always supposed to be a woman here's the thing she's a lesbian now the wrong words anyway but now she's a lesbian so she's into women yeah i mean it's hello it's such a complicated like i and the thing is this is what bothers me is that you can't even you can't even question or have any discussions around it where it's just like no i want to know and i want to be better but i need help understanding even the language you use it i want to be better yeah yeah i want to be better be better michel be best uh but yeah i mean like i don't like yeah i want people to live whatever way they want to live yeah but help me a little bit here like i i i don't know and i don't even know how to look it up online you can't you can't you're not allowed to yeah if they find out where you're searching yeah they'll come for you they'll come for you and they'll take away your woke past yeah now now you can't have you can't have another special because you googled are you allowed to be a lesbian well people literally have gotten massive blowback on their careers because of that yeah you know because of questioning whether or not trans people can fight i mean ronda rousey got a ton of shit what she was saying she didn't think trans women should be able to fight regular women in MMA or biological women, whatever you want to call it.

[1236] If you even say regular woman, like a piece of shit.

[1237] Of course.

[1238] She is a regular woman.

[1239] Everybody's so angry.

[1240] And it's such a mob thing, too.

[1241] It's funny because these are the people that don't want bullies.

[1242] It's like the same people, progressive people, are the ones who are like anti -bullying.

[1243] Oh, they bully just as much.

[1244] They bully each other.

[1245] You can't be woke enough.

[1246] You can't.

[1247] Because they're just feeding off of each other.

[1248] Like, I used to have piranhas, okay?

[1249] And one of the things that happens with piranus is when one of them gets sick the other ones fuck them up they they cannibalize each other all the time it was weird what an animal oh they're so crazy like one of them you'd see one of them had like a little slight little wiggle to them wrong and they'd be like oh they just eat them yeah they eat them fuck them up i'd come home and half a prana be at the bottom of the tank i'd be like oh you fucking creeps so i'd have to scoop it out i had a hamster that ate the other hamster was oh i had that happened when i was a little kid yeah they had like a wet tail there's like a disease i don't know but it's a weird thing to walk home to when you're five.

[1250] Yeah.

[1251] Her name was fluffy and she was eating her babies.

[1252] She was eating her baby.

[1253] We came when she was like a bloody fucking baby.

[1254] She's holding on the baby's head and just chewing up.

[1255] Like what in the fuck kind of pet is this?

[1256] Yeah, that was that for me for hamster.

[1257] There was no Google back then.

[1258] So I was like, what is happening here?

[1259] I guess I got to go to the library and look this up in the encyclopedia to see if it's a thing.

[1260] Why is my hamster eating its baby's head like it's a fucking ripe tomato?

[1261] Oh, so disgusting.

[1262] It was so disgusting It was burned into my head I was like seven years old I was like holy shit Yeah But how did we get to that Oh we were talking about woke people And Oh piranhas Piranhas Yeah Like that's what they're like Like when one steps out of line Even when woke people They don't say hey You know Sheila's a good person She just misspoke And you know And she was like I'm sorry I didn't really mean it that way It came out wrong And everybody's like That's cool This is what's important kindness.

[1263] That's what's important.

[1264] No, it's like fuck Sheila and fuck white people and fuck the patriarchy and fuck the and like, whoa!

[1265] It goes from, we support you to burn it to the ground.

[1266] Burn it to the ground.

[1267] Burn it.

[1268] She can have nothing anymore.

[1269] And everyone's trying to stand out as being like ultra -progressive and hardcore with it.

[1270] So everyone's like making these hard stances on Twitter where it's like, this is so aggressive.

[1271] I think though that my theory behind it is that we've always liked as a human We've always liked to watch people die, whether it's figuratively or literally, because, like, we used to do Gladiator, like, when people got beheaded or, like, burned at the stake.

[1272] That was, like, a thing.

[1273] Yeah.

[1274] Like, everyone came to that from the town, and they were all just like, yeah, because in that moment, your life isn't as bad as the person who's getting burned.

[1275] Right, right.

[1276] And I think that's what people are, people just want to feel powerful.

[1277] 100%.

[1278] They're online, and they're like, oh, I can take down this person.

[1279] And it's like, did you really do anything today?

[1280] Did you really just destroy someone's life who was trying to be a good person?

[1281] Yeah.

[1282] You know, and like, I mean, I don't know.

[1283] Go after companies using plastic or something like that, you know?

[1284] Yeah.

[1285] No, you're right.

[1286] There is a thing to that, right?

[1287] When anyone steps out of line publicly and then people start attacking them, this is not like a personal issue to them.

[1288] Right.

[1289] It's not like this person that did this thing.

[1290] It's like really affects your life.

[1291] Right.

[1292] But the amount of energy that people put into it and the amount of time, like, when people want to go dig up those old tweets and want to find out things that you said or, you know, and this, it is similar to that feeling of watching a public execution.

[1293] Right.

[1294] Like, hang him.

[1295] Hang him.

[1296] And everyone's so excited for it to happen.

[1297] Like, they're just, they pile on.

[1298] Yeah.

[1299] They'll go on your Instagram, leave tons and tons of, like, terrible comments.

[1300] Yeah.

[1301] You're getting canceled.

[1302] And it's like, okay, good.

[1303] Did you really feel, does that make your day better?

[1304] What are you making a face for, Jamie?

[1305] I just found something dark as you guys were talking about this.

[1306] About hamsters eating their kids?

[1307] The last public hanging, there was like a huge media event, like 20 ,000 people travel to Kentucky to watch it happen.

[1308] There's a -to -see a white woman hang a black man. She was a local sheriff, and she didn't go through with it because of probably the attention.

[1309] So some eager volunteers did it.

[1310] And while this was all going on, there was like a media circus.

[1311] People were eating hot dogs, drinking lemonade.

[1312] Camping out overnight.

[1313] Oh, my God.

[1314] It was a huge event.

[1315] And it was 1936.

[1316] Oh, boy.

[1317] What did they say he did?

[1318] That's what I was looking for before.

[1319] It said up there, scroll up.

[1320] It said he was wanted for the rape of a 70 -year -old woman.

[1321] That was the woman.

[1322] Go scrawl up.

[1323] Scroll up.

[1324] A little higher.

[1325] A little higher.

[1326] A little higher.

[1327] I think he was popping up.

[1328] There it is.

[1329] Yeah.

[1330] See, Bethesda confessed to the rape and murder of a 70 -year -old Lishy Edwards, a capital crime under Kentucky law.

[1331] and one that fell upon the local sheriff to punish.

[1332] I could appoint the deputy sheriff to deputize any citizen to spring the trap.

[1333] Thompson told reporters that she stoically resigned herself to the role, but to do that would inflict an unpleasant job upon someone else.

[1334] So she decided this disgusting job she was going to do it and then decided not to.

[1335] Oh, the first female executioner.

[1336] And then she couldn't do it.

[1337] Not a good look for women.

[1338] the problem with those anything post slavery post 1865 there were so many crimes that people were arrested for that were nothing where men were being forced to do labor so what it would happen was because of the fact that slavery was now abolished these men would be loitering right and people didn't know what the fuck to do like imagine you're a slave your whole life you grew up a slave and then all of a sudden you're free like you're like what the fuck what do i do well they would just arrest you yeah and then make you do hard labor in jail for nothing yeah they that's they essentially figured out how to make slavery legal again they did it for decades yeah i mean they still sort of do it today sure yeah i mean when you make a guy work in jail for a dollar a day whatever the fuck they pay how is that not slavery yeah we're giving them gruel what do you give them white bread and fucking shitty meatloaf what are you feeding them it's one of those things where i'm like we we get so mad at like something a lot of the current stuff that's happening with like who what we're supposed to be saying you know like the right pronouns to use all that stuff and it's like yeah okay I'll try to say the right pronouns that's a pretty easy fix how about we go back and like kind of correct some of this 400 years of slavery and oppression that we did for black people oh is it because it's harder to do like it's not a solvable problem they them is easy yeah kept in pink hair I think the real problem is these communities, like, they've never recovered, like places like Baltimore, there's certain communities that have been the same forever.

[1339] And Southside Chicago is another one, right?

[1340] There's these communities that they're just, they're fucked with, riddled with crime and drugs and so many people in and out of jail and this constant recidivism rate.

[1341] Yeah.

[1342] You grow up there, you're in that system.

[1343] Like, they would have to.

[1344] You may be in a terrible public school.

[1345] Sure.

[1346] You have to work as early as you can.

[1347] Drugs.

[1348] I mean, the people that are heroes in your neighborhood are drug dealers.

[1349] So how do you fix that?

[1350] Boy, there's no effort put to that in terms of like a systematic national effort on the federal level to step in and do something to these communities and do it on a scale that we do in other countries when we bomb the fuck out of them.

[1351] Right.

[1352] And I also just admit that we're racist.

[1353] like when an apartheid after apartheid happened they had like a day there was a couple days of reckoning or whatever it was called where everyone went up and they were like these are the things I did really yeah these are the things I did um these are like the laws I broke and it was like this like terrible like cathartic admit to your racism and then let's try to heal after that and then we're all just like no we're not racist and I'm like we're pretty racist Well, some people are racist, but what's racist is that these communities suffered under a system that was completely imposed because of racism.

[1354] Right.

[1355] In the 1800s, and then in the early 1900s and during the civil rights era, this is all, I mean, that there's no denying that it's the echoes of at least ancient racism that needs to be somehow or another addressed.

[1356] But, I mean, how do you address that?

[1357] Like people, some people want reparations.

[1358] And like the idea of it makes sense, right?

[1359] Clearly someone profited, right?

[1360] There are to this day, there's corporations.

[1361] You can trace their money back to slavery.

[1362] Right.

[1363] Right?

[1364] Well, it seems like they should pay something.

[1365] Yeah, they should pay a little bit.

[1366] How did you guys get rich?

[1367] Like, if you look at a giant plantation and they used to have slaves and they profited off those slaves and that plantation is somehow or they're still in operation today.

[1368] Right.

[1369] I don't know if that's the case.

[1370] but if it was like uh where'd you get your money yeah what'd you do and then how do you go back giving it back to how do you give it back who do you give it back to yeah do you give it back to the ancestors of the people who were slaves and the problem is like if you give people money i don't think it fixes the problem i think to fix the problem there has to be some sort of i mean we've beaten this horse to death on the show unfortunately but and i don't have any solutions no one ever has one i don't know what it would be but i think there has to be some way to clean up communities, and I don't know how you would do that.

[1371] I mean, I have no idea.

[1372] How do you go to a place like Southside Chicago has more murders than Afghanistan?

[1373] I mean, it's bad there.

[1374] It's fucking bad.

[1375] Am I making that up?

[1376] I'm not making that up.

[1377] I don't think so.

[1378] I think you're right.

[1379] But that's the thing.

[1380] It's like, this is such like an unsolvable problem and the stuff that people go after on Twitter, like the social justice stuff, is so easy to do.

[1381] And it's like, yeah, of course that's what you're going to like you can have a hard day or whatever shitty job you have and then you come home you see someone got mad at something or did something wrong and you get to be like yeah this person you're canceled yeah and then you close your computer or whatever or you watch people retweet it and you're like you're like I did do something today I'm an activist yeah I'm an online activist yeah yes activist and I have power I'm an educator I contributed yes contributing yeah it's a weird tool you know i mean it's a great tool sometimes like twitter is great for just getting out information letting people know about something you know you find something what i use it mostly i find cool stories like if i read some cool article like i was reading some article about um china has made um pig monkey hybrids cut china yeah and they've successfully made these pig monkey hybrids and you know what do they look like they didn't show they're I showed a picture of a pig fetus.

[1382] I'm pretty sure it was just a regular pig fetus.

[1383] But they didn't stay alive very long.

[1384] The idea is they want to get to a point, was it pig human or pig monkey?

[1385] I think it was pig monkey.

[1386] Pig monkey.

[1387] You tweeted was pig monkey, but they do a pig monkey.

[1388] They're always heard about, yeah.

[1389] Alex Jones says they're doing pig humans.

[1390] I bet he's right.

[1391] I guarantee he's right.

[1392] They do pig monkey and then just like a little baby boy is born.

[1393] You're like, you little pig.

[1394] Is that what we are?

[1395] Are we pig monkeys?

[1396] But I think what they're trying to do is develop pigs.

[1397] Their hearts and a lot of their organs are very similar to ours.

[1398] And their digestive tract is very similar to ours.

[1399] Like there's certain tests they do on how things are digested and they do them through pig stomachs.

[1400] Well, they do a lot of transplants with pigs now, too.

[1401] Yes.

[1402] So I think that's the idea is eventually get to a point where you can get harvestable organs from pigs.

[1403] You know, so they have some sort of a pig human hybrid.

[1404] But you know someone's going to fuck one.

[1405] Someone's going to bring it home.

[1406] I mean, you got some pig lady walking around your house.

[1407] Wee whey, cooking bacon for you.

[1408] It's got like a human vagina.

[1409] Yeah, pretty close.

[1410] Yeah, right.

[1411] A good one too.

[1412] Real tight, like a drum.

[1413] Tight like a giant.

[1414] Always wet.

[1415] Wait, where does that saying come from?

[1416] Like a drum.

[1417] Like a drum's pulled tight.

[1418] Oh, pulled tight.

[1419] Okay, sorry.

[1420] Sometimes I'm the dumbest person in the world.

[1421] But in my head, I'm like, I'm looking.

[1422] I was like, but drums.

[1423] have like a pretty big hole in the back yeah yeah ridiculous you know you're 100 % right tight like a drum is a dumb way describe a vagina for sure yeah yeah i don't think it but i guess it is unless there's like a weird covering yeah over a vagina type like a fist like a like a like a mason's fist like a yeah like a stone mason someone who carries bricks every day and has fat strong hands tight like a kind of like a fucking tight like a butthole like a strong butthole someone who's squat someone who's squat Lots of a lot.

[1424] But if you can get a pig with a human vagina, well, that's people fuck sheep, right?

[1425] Isn't that the whole deal with sheep?

[1426] Yeah, New Zealand, I think.

[1427] Is it supposed to be real close?

[1428] That's what they say.

[1429] Probably in Pennsylvania, too.

[1430] I mean, I'm sure in Pennsylvania.

[1431] It's not going to get carried away.

[1432] When people get, you know, again, what you said, no options.

[1433] No standards.

[1434] If you, yeah, if you found out that no one was looking.

[1435] I mean, they don't fuck sheep because it's gross.

[1436] They fuck sheep because it's, the sheep's that high and they're right there yeah and they look around and what about that poor guy who's the exact right hype for a sheep yeah perfect and he's got a boner and he's just like oh i don't even have to bend my knees at all what if the sheep's backing up into you too me the sheep likes it like who's the victim yeah yeah maybe the sheep was like maybe the sheep keeps like yeah keeps nuzzling up against him like like like a Lizzo dance like yeah I would love that's that guy's defense in court he's just like no but you've got to look at this video you can't tell me the sheep's not into this here's a video of me entering into the pen now look they're all back towards me backwards yeah they all just go right one of them is buying I'm pretty sure juice it's a ridiculous thing the people fucking animals but animals fuck people too yeah you know you ever see dolphins dolphins get a hold of people I've seen a video of that there's one of the dolphin like came up on a woman just trying to fuck her there was an article it's the best it's the best trolling that has ever been done to me there was an article that said I was guilty of bestiality oh said wolf guilty of bestiality and it was from my hometown newspaper the the Homelessown Sun and which is a very small newspaper there's like three or four people that work there I think, but like, it said that I was guilty of bestiality, and they did so much research.

[1437] Like, they got, they got, like, the paper, the right paper.

[1438] They got, like, all this information about me. And then the surprising thing was at the editor of article.

[1439] It said, I pled guilty, and the fine was $1 ,500.

[1440] And I was like, and it was about fucking dogs, that I was fucking dogs.

[1441] And I was like, well, if that was what I was into, $1 ,500, like, that's kind of worth.

[1442] it you know how much money you have and how big the dog's dick is yeah and i was also like how is the dog is the dog fucking me right is it like a peanut butter situation like there's videos like that that existed before the internet there was a video like i think it was called barnyard betty as me my friend billy and my friend ron we went over their house and it was in the basement i remember one of us had a guard the door in case someone came into the basement It was an old VHS tape, so they put the VHS tape on, and one of us had to stand by the doorway to the basement, just to make sure that nobody opened the door and busted us.

[1443] And we watched this fucked up video of these trailer trash -looking meth girls that were blowing donkeys and having sex with dogs.

[1444] One of them had sex with a German Shepherd.

[1445] It was so gross.

[1446] There was an episode of Nip -Tuck where that happened.

[1447] Nip -Tuck, I remember that show.

[1448] There was a woman, she put, like, peanut butter on her vagina, and their dog was.

[1449] like lick it off oh that's real that happens all the time yeah and I was like I was like this is I remember I was kind of younger and I was like that's a weird thing to put in TV with a dog bites yeah I don't lick chomp yeah I don't it's getting greedy it seems like a dangerous situation yeah if you had too many dogs like you said like oh one's not enough I wouldn't want to lick my butthole too oh god peanut butter down there peanut butter the BJJ this is so gross whatever happened that nip -tuck show i don't know i think it i think it went off the rails a little bit yeah there was one of those shows it started out real good and then after a while like wait what what the fuck's happening here yeah too many like yeah dexter went way off the rails like it started out like wow this is kind of cool show cool idea a guy who's like a good guy serial killer huh yeah and then like four seasons in you're like hey what do you do who wrote this one that happened with uh i was i loved the show's scandal and it was I mean it's just a I mean it's it's not actually a great show but I really did like it and uh the first couple of seasons like this is great this is great season three and four I was like this is crazy and then like the end of it I was like okay they brought it back around but well the term jump the shark came from Fonzie jumping over a tank full of sharks yeah literally like people were like get the fuck out of here what is this What are you doing?

[1450] Have you ever met Henry Winkler?

[1451] I did, actually.

[1452] He might be the nicest guy alive.

[1453] He's so nice.

[1454] I saw him at the Emmys last year, and he introduced himself to me, which I was like, this is the craziest thing.

[1455] I can't believe you know who I am.

[1456] Ah, that's weird, right?

[1457] Someone famous knows you.

[1458] And I was like, this is like, I mean, it's Henry Winkler.

[1459] Henry fucking Winkler.

[1460] Could not be further from the Fonz character.

[1461] Yeah.

[1462] Like super sweet.

[1463] Really nice guy.

[1464] He wrote a book called I've never met an I. idiot on the river it's about fly fishing yeah he loves fly fishing yeah apparently and he just wrote a book about like fly fishing there's fun yeah yeah but it's weird there he is the fons oh he he jet skied over the shark yeah i think was a motorcycle this is what he's popping up he was skiing in a lake or something look at that oh oh of course he has his jacket on oh the fons got a leather jacket on it yeah i think it's more unbelievable that he'd wear leather jacket water skiing then jump over a bunch of sharks well how about he's got it in between his legs look at look where how he's doing that go back to that original picture wait did henry winkler actually learn how to that one you just had it's right here too yeah but that's black and white that's too artsy right there look at he's got it in between his legs that's the pole wait that looks like he's really doing that too i bet he is wow good start work Henry.

[1465] I mean, they didn't have CGI back then.

[1466] He kind of had to do it.

[1467] Right, yeah.

[1468] Up until the point where it actually flew through the air and then they got some rugged Brad Pitt from once upon a time in Hollywood type dude.

[1469] Look at that.

[1470] Is that the shark?

[1471] No, no, no. It's jumped.

[1472] That moment has now jumped the shark as memes and stuff.

[1473] Yeah.

[1474] So many like jokes about it.

[1475] But it's crazy that it was such a bad episode that it became like symbolic of a show going off the rail.

[1476] show Jump the Shark.

[1477] I like a good two -season show.

[1478] Like I love a mini -series.

[1479] I love things at end.

[1480] Do you watch Maisel?

[1481] No. I watched a little bit of it.

[1482] Okay, here's my problem with it.

[1483] I don't think the jokes are funny.

[1484] Well, it's contextual.

[1485] Yeah.

[1486] And I get that, but it's like, I don't know.

[1487] I just have a hard time.

[1488] I don't.

[1489] Listen, I've been watching a lot of Lenny Bruce over the last few months.

[1490] I found this one Lenny Bruce channel on YouTube.

[1491] It's got all of his old, old clips from various television performances.

[1492] And they don't make me laugh.

[1493] You know, I know he's the best.

[1494] I mean, I mean, I don't want to say he's the best, but he's the godfather of this thing that we do, that you and I both do.

[1495] Right.

[1496] He's the guy that started.

[1497] He really is the guy who started talking about shit instead of just telling jokes.

[1498] He started, like, talking about social problems and why is this and relationships and sadness.

[1499] all kinds of weird stuff i mean he developed a whole different kind of style of stand -up comedy but it's not funny because you're looking at something that happened in 1950 in 1960s just it's so hard for it to translate yeah comedy unlike anything else loses its value or its power over time if you even like some even like red fox or something like really great old stand -up it's just not that good i don't i don't know though i do think there are some jokes that stand up sure sure i think there's some people that do it that like even you know 50 years from now people will look back and be like that joke's still funny oh yeah well he had some of those lenny bruce had one joke that many comics have accidentally told since then because they didn't know any better um but it was about uh gay people that being gay is against the law it's against the law dig so they put you in jail with a bunch of guys want to have sex with you Right It was great Back then it murdered I mean back then it was just a fucking nuclear bomb They're like oh shit that's so true I can't imagine being in the audience And hearing someone talk like that for the first time Oh yeah Because like the best comedy I think is things you You didn't like As soon as someone says it You're like I have always thought that Yes You know they're just like vocalizing something You were never able to kind of put together And that had to be that in that audience than being like yeah well people were so suppressed then i mean that's the other thing about lennie bruce he went to jail multiple times i mean he was arrested multiple times for telling jokes yeah just like just kept doing it didn't give up didn't say well this is obviously not smart right he kept doing it he kept pushing the envelope george carlin same thing he went to jail for it too that's real standups though you know like you know real standups The ones that are just like, no, I have to do this.

[1500] Yeah.

[1501] Like you don't do it for like a week and you're just like crawling out of your skin.

[1502] Also, the audience is ultimately supposed to be the judge of whether or not something's good.

[1503] And if that's not the case, then we're losing personal freedom.

[1504] We're not asking someone to like, you know, like someone's not going on stage and saying, you know, I'm going to advocate that you murder someone.

[1505] Here's their address.

[1506] We're all going to do it together.

[1507] Let's meet up.

[1508] We're not talking about that.

[1509] Right.

[1510] We're talking about someone cracking a joke and the audience laughs and they enjoy it.

[1511] And today, even today, when people get upset about someone stand upset and they try to cancel something and listen to the audience.

[1512] Right.

[1513] Was the audience laughing?

[1514] Well, they know it's a joke, right?

[1515] They're at a comedy show, so they know it's a joke and they were laughing.

[1516] Why do you have a problem with it?

[1517] You're not even there.

[1518] So you're just looking for problems?

[1519] Look at women in Saudi Arabia.

[1520] You want to look at real problems?

[1521] Look at real problems.

[1522] Why don't you speak out against that, you fucking cowards?

[1523] Yeah, again, it's hard.

[1524] Yeah.

[1525] It's easy.

[1526] Like, I hate any time, like, I'm in favor of a comic telling whatever joke they want.

[1527] And then, like, the only way you're going to know what's funny is if you say it out loud to an audience.

[1528] Yes.

[1529] And it might not be funny the first thousand times you say it until you figure it out.

[1530] Well, that was my giant issue with comics that were going after Louis after that set was leaked.

[1531] The only thing people should have been mad about that is that the set was leaked.

[1532] Yeah.

[1533] That should be, that should have been like, you don't know where he's going to.

[1534] end up with that.

[1535] He's known for doing huge premises that you disagree with and then he convinces you why he's right in a very funny way.

[1536] And tongue and cheek, too.

[1537] I mean, it's not like you really thinks that someone pushed a fat kid in front of a bullet and that's why they're talking in front of CNN.

[1538] He'll figure out a way to make that work.

[1539] This is his first time doing stand -up in 10 months.

[1540] Yeah.

[1541] Like, let let's see where the joke goes.

[1542] But you know that and I know that because that's what we do but there's a lot of people that don't even understand the mechanics of creating a joke that right like a lot of times you'll go up and you'll have a premise and you're like god i fucking know there's something he might eat shit with that joke for a couple months before it really starts really starts catching years maybe even you know like there's i there's always jokes i've had that like now i'm coming back to because i was like i wasn't ready to tell it then and now i'm getting back to it and i'm like okay maybe this direction yes yes like it's especially the heart of the premise they're like it's gonna take a while people have no idea how hard it is to write jokes well that's ari's entire new hour that he's doing you know his whole new hour is is called jew and it's all you know he grew up orthodox jewish like in you know he had to go to israel and take religious classes all day studying the talmud fucking 10 12 hours a day like he was doing the whole deal and his whole hour now is about this and we had talked about him doing bits about that years and years ago but he's like I wasn't ready because my stand -up wasn't good enough yet I didn't understand how to craft a joke yet yeah and it I mean it takes a while to get there and especially stuff that's personal like that to you and like you want to do it justice you only get to tell that story once on stage and then once you do those jokes hopefully they were good enough because you're really not going to get to revisit them yeah for you to go back over your like hey I put an album out 10 years ago and it kind of sucks so I'm going to redo all those bits yeah please don't go back and listen to the roots until after you see the second version.

[1543] Yeah.

[1544] No. There's some premises I would like to go back, redo.

[1545] Yeah.

[1546] Oh, God, that one.

[1547] I could have done so much more with that.

[1548] I feel like sometimes though, I feel sometimes you can like, you know, you can show kind of your evolution by redoing some stuff a little bit, but you can't, I don't know.

[1549] Yeah, you can show your evolution.

[1550] You can do whatever you want.

[1551] Look, Jerry Seinfeld still does old jokes.

[1552] Yeah.

[1553] I mean, they're perfectly good jokes.

[1554] Well, I want to throw him away?

[1555] I mean, he's done that a couple times for specials, right?

[1556] Didn't he do the Netflix special and an HBO special?

[1557] I'm telling you for the last time, I think that was HBO, right?

[1558] That was all his old stuff.

[1559] And then I think he did a Netflix special that was very similar.

[1560] It was like he went through his old notes and like, yeah, yeah.

[1561] And I think now, I think they made a multiple special deal with him or something like that.

[1562] And now he's putting together his new one.

[1563] Yeah.

[1564] Yeah.

[1565] I'm dying to see Eddie Murphy.

[1566] Yeah.

[1567] I want to see him work out.

[1568] I want to see it work out.

[1569] There was a rumor that he was going to be at the store, and we were all freaking out.

[1570] We were ready to go down.

[1571] It was a Sunday night.

[1572] It turned out to be Damon Wayans.

[1573] But there was a rumor that a legend still fucking awesome.

[1574] Damon is another one.

[1575] He, to me, is like one of the most unheralded of the great comics from the 90s.

[1576] Yeah.

[1577] But he was actually really funny, too.

[1578] I saw him recently at the lab in the improv.

[1579] So he hasn't done stand -up or anything in a long time.

[1580] And so he's starting to go and do it again.

[1581] And then there was this rumor.

[1582] that someone, some star who hasn't done stand -up in a long time is going to do stand -up at the store in the belly room and everybody's texting everybody.

[1583] Is fucking Eddie Murphy going to the goddamn comedy store?

[1584] Is that really happening?

[1585] Right.

[1586] We were all going to go down there and watch, but it turned out to be Damon.

[1587] I'd love to see Eddie working it out.

[1588] Yeah, I want to see him first time on stage.

[1589] I want to see middle.

[1590] I want to see like...

[1591] The middle?

[1592] Yeah.

[1593] I want to see like a couple times.

[1594] I want to see the first words out of his mouth.

[1595] in and then like six months in or however he's going to do it i hope so i really want to i mean like i i i don't know i mean i i we know what his early stuff is yeah he had this whole life yeah and i mean i think part of it is he sees dave just like destroying and i i hope there's like a little competitiveness in him where he's like he's like i got it i got to jump back in yeah he still looks great yeah he looks so healthy Like, I don't know what he's doing, but God damn it, that black don't crack shit is not a lie.

[1596] I mean, he looks amazing.

[1597] He's got to be close to 60, right?

[1598] And he looks 30.

[1599] Yeah.

[1600] He really does.

[1601] How old is he?

[1602] 58.

[1603] Okay.

[1604] Pull up a recent picture of Eddie Murphy.

[1605] Pull, like, when you saw him with Jerry in comedians and cars getting coffee, he's driving around with Jerry.

[1606] He looks great.

[1607] By the way, I said Jerry, because we're tight.

[1608] Right.

[1609] Yeah.

[1610] I don't even know him, but you know what I'm talking about.

[1611] He looks like, like, in Beverly Hills Cop, he's like, he's just thinner.

[1612] Yeah, he's just young.

[1613] And I don't mean thinner that he's fat now.

[1614] I just mean he's like.

[1615] Bulked up.

[1616] He's boled up.

[1617] Become a man. Yeah, yeah.

[1618] He was essentially still a child then.

[1619] He's so healthy looking.

[1620] Yeah, he looks great.

[1621] Whatever the fuck he's doing.

[1622] Look at that.

[1623] That photo.

[1624] I mean, he might be 36.

[1625] Yeah.

[1626] He does not look like he's almost 60.

[1627] I mean, that is crazy.

[1628] Look at Tracy.

[1629] Look those gold chains.

[1630] Those are.

[1631] preposterous.

[1632] Zoom in on those gold chains again.

[1633] What in the fuck, Tracy?

[1634] That's all about Walmart money.

[1635] We were at the cellar and Tracy Brought jelly beans And he was like He was like, yeah Talking about the jelly beans Like we don't have access to them With our money.

[1636] You know?

[1637] Like you'd be like, I can't do any impression So this is going to be the worst Tracy Morgan you ever heard of me. He's like, I got jelly beans.

[1638] Who else you know?

[1639] good bring jelly beans and then he's like eat them eat to jelly beans he makes like all of us eat jelly beans and then he goes not the green ones not to green ones no what is what are those emblems one of them is Jesus yeah it's a TM on that okay Tracy Morgan a big TM a plate and then that other way something I can't tell yeah what is that one in the back hard to tell I find that picture bro that fucking thing is got to be heavy that must hurt your neck that's like a bike chain go down Scroll down there with Eddie Murphy with that, that beautiful young lady.

[1640] Scroll down, scroll down, scroll, look at that.

[1641] Yeah.

[1642] Is that his girlfriend?

[1643] I think it's his wife, partner, whatever.

[1644] Oh, but he's divorced, right?

[1645] Isn't he?

[1646] Yeah.

[1647] Look at that.

[1648] I think she just had a baby recently.

[1649] Capow!

[1650] Still fertile.

[1651] Yeah.

[1652] 85 years old.

[1653] Ooh, she looks hot.

[1654] She looks very actressy hot.

[1655] Slim waist, nice booty.

[1656] Congratulations, Eddie.

[1657] But look at me, he's fucking almost 60 years old.

[1658] Looks amazing.

[1659] Look at him.

[1660] I can't see it there either.

[1661] This is amazing.

[1662] Yeah.

[1663] Whatever he's doing, health -wise.

[1664] Incredible.

[1665] This is what I want of all people in Hollywood who, like, look like that.

[1666] I'm like, just tell us.

[1667] What are you doing?

[1668] Tell us what you're doing.

[1669] I know we probably can't afford it.

[1670] Well, I could probably can't afford it.

[1671] But, like, tell us what you're doing so we at least have an idea that there's some crazy shit behind it.

[1672] Look at that fucking picture.

[1673] Look at that picture right there.

[1674] Like, is your water from a different place?

[1675] What kind of vitamins?

[1676] vitamins.

[1677] This is him for dolomite.

[1678] I believe so, yeah.

[1679] He's doing press.

[1680] Almost 60 years old.

[1681] He looks like he's 15 years younger than me, at least.

[1682] I'm looking side by side on the screen now, not bad.

[1683] Trust me, brother.

[1684] I'm pretty healthy, but I party a little too hard.

[1685] Like, he's got like a little wrinkle right here, like a little crease in his face.

[1686] He's a little character.

[1687] Slightly.

[1688] Makes them look a little bit better.

[1689] Just something that, and look at those.

[1690] He only has one earring, sign of the times, right?

[1691] Oh, yeah, look at that.

[1692] One diamond earring.

[1693] He's like, I'm not gay.

[1694] I'm not going to have two earrings.

[1695] That's a big fucking earring, too, boy.

[1696] That is a, look at the size of that earring.

[1697] That's like a fucking quarter million dollar earring.

[1698] It's a good diamond.

[1699] It's a good diamond.

[1700] It's a big diamond.

[1701] Big ass rock for your ear.

[1702] He's done well.

[1703] He's done well.

[1704] I don't know if you've heard about it.

[1705] Yeah.

[1706] And, you know, he did a thing a few years ago.

[1707] right when Cosby was starting to get into trouble when, I don't know if you saw it, but he did like this thing where he was at a panel and he was receiving some award and he started doing a little stand -up and talking about them taking away of Bill Cosby's awards and Bill Cosby's his his, what is it, was his diploma?

[1708] Was this that his Mark Twain?

[1709] His Mark Twain award.

[1710] Yeah.

[1711] First live set in 28 years and I'm telling you he was so sharp.

[1712] Did you see it?

[1713] No, I remember.

[1714] watched it back then i can't really remember what he said was really i remember watching it back then and i remember being like this guy two weeks on stage he'd be fine yeah like he's sharp if he had material he's fucking sharp sharp his attack i mean how great did you know his brother did you know charlie at all i didn't i mean a huge fan of his as well he was the nicest guy i loved that guy that was a bomber That was a huge bummer.

[1715] Charlie and I did a tour together in like 2007.

[1716] We did like 22 cities.

[1717] Yeah.

[1718] Travel together for the whole month, like the whole month together.

[1719] He's the best.

[1720] He was so nice.

[1721] He's so cool.

[1722] Yeah.

[1723] Just a fucking great guy.

[1724] Yeah.

[1725] I was a big fan of his too.

[1726] And a guy that was basically a famous person first and then started doing stand -up, which is the hardest way to do it.

[1727] That's definitely the hardest way.

[1728] For sure.

[1729] No one wants to believe you.

[1730] No. You're on stage.

[1731] and people like you're famous let's see your a plus act that I paid money to see and you're basically an open micer yeah and you get and people are paying to see you yeah so he started out he would host that's the that is a very smart way to do it smart dude he would host and then he would you know slowly work up enough material that he could do a set you know and he was an older guy too yeah like when that happened I mean he was deep into his 40s when things really started clicking That's awesome.

[1732] Imagine being an open micer and famous and in your 40s.

[1733] No. Fuck.

[1734] I mean, at least then, though, you have life experiences to pull from.

[1735] You hear a lot of these people when they're like, you know, some people start in their teens and they turn out to be, you know, the best in the world, Dave Chappelle.

[1736] Yeah.

[1737] But other people start out in their teens and I'm like, have some life first.

[1738] What are you telling jokes about?

[1739] Right.

[1740] You know, like, I mean, like, I had like, I had a whole career before I got into Stan.

[1741] How old were you started?

[1742] I started in 2011, so I was 26, 25, 26.

[1743] What was your, you were saying your career you were talking about?

[1744] So I was, I started in finance.

[1745] I used to work on Wall Street.

[1746] I got a job at Bear Stearns.

[1747] So that's the Wolf of Wall Street?

[1748] Yeah, that's where Joe, still trying to make it happen.

[1749] But I started Bear Stearns in the summer 2007, and then it collapsed in March of 2008.

[1750] And then I stayed up with J .P. Morgan for a couple years after that.

[1751] But I wore a suit every day.

[1752] Whoa.

[1753] I worked with like mutual fountains and separately managed accounts.

[1754] When do you think, when did you, when we were thinking about stand -up?

[1755] Were you thinking about it in the beginning?

[1756] Well, so in March of 2008, a bunch of friends in mine, this is like before Barrack collapsed, a bunch of friends in my went to see a taping of SNL.

[1757] And I've always been such a huge fan that.

[1758] Afterwards, I was like, how do these people do this?

[1759] Like, how do you get here?

[1760] And I Google them, and they all started in improv.

[1761] So I started doing improv, and I did that for a couple years.

[1762] And then even at my first improv class, I was like, whatever, I just want more of this.

[1763] And then I eventually got into stand -up after that around 2011.

[1764] But it was one of those things where I was very much like, you know, like a very type A, get good grades, try to get the best grade in the class type of person.

[1765] and I didn't really develop opinions or a point of view.

[1766] And so when I started doing improv, I was like, you know, like you make choices and you, you know, like, and then more I got into stand -up, I was like, yeah, how do I feel about these things?

[1767] Like, what do I think about them?

[1768] And then like, really just like, I don't know.

[1769] It's just that's how I, that's really when I feel like I started becoming a person.

[1770] Wow.

[1771] I don't really think I had a personality before that.

[1772] Yeah, I wonder if I would have been.

[1773] as curious if I wasn't a stand -up.

[1774] How much of my curiosity is because I started getting curious about things because I wanted to be able to talk about different things.

[1775] Yeah.

[1776] Like, I'm definitely much more observational in the world than I used to be.

[1777] But I'm also, I might be a little, like, darker, too.

[1778] Like, I remember thinking when I was a kid, like, I thought about what my wedding would look like as, like, a little girl.

[1779] And now the idea of having a wedding seems very.

[1780] ridiculous.

[1781] Like the idea of me in like a big dress walking down an aisle.

[1782] Like there's none of that I could take seriously.

[1783] But if you were going to get married, how would you do it?

[1784] I would just go to City Hall.

[1785] Really?

[1786] Yeah.

[1787] Wow.

[1788] And then have a party or something?

[1789] Maybe later.

[1790] I don't, I don't know.

[1791] It seems weird.

[1792] It seems weird to have a party right after because you're like, let's see if this is going to stay.

[1793] But if you're going to get to the point where you're going to have a legal contract with someone, especially you now, because you don't want to that Roseanne bar Tom Honorable type deal.

[1794] Oh, no. You don't want to pay some dude off.

[1795] Yeah, no. Like, imagine.

[1796] Yeah, I can't.

[1797] Things start popping for you.

[1798] You got some guy who kind of like gubs with you on the road, becomes your tour manager.

[1799] No way.

[1800] Yeah.

[1801] Well, that's the thing.

[1802] That would never happen to me, though, because one of the things I find most attractive is a guy being really good at something.

[1803] Oh.

[1804] So I was really good at being your tour manager.

[1805] Yeah, I mean, just the best tour manager.

[1806] The best.

[1807] always has the best hotel rooms waiting for you yeah he's like there's like every time i go in it's set up the exact way i want it stocked with green jelly beans yeah you tracy morgan yeah i think well that's the case with most women most women i think like guys that are good at stuff yeah yeah it's rarely it's rare that you see like a yeah i mean we want i don't know provider someone who's well you want successful genes yeah and that's really what it boils down to.

[1808] Men want attractive genes.

[1809] Women want successful genes.

[1810] Or they want, well, they also want attractive genes too.

[1811] They want dominant genes, like a big man, big tall man, good features, good symmetry.

[1812] Yeah.

[1813] All those things are genetic.

[1814] It's normal.

[1815] Yeah, I've been working on this new joke about how women, we're attracted to the exact thing that's the most dangerous to us.

[1816] Like, we like those men and so we make more dangerous men.

[1817] Like, we could decide to just only mate with like short, soft -boned men and like a whole generation of like killable killable dudes killable men and women would be like yeah we're the ones in power but we're not it's never going to happen yeah but that would have to be a real conscious decision that's yeah against evolutionary biology it would have to be like women have to be like first of all we'd have to get women to agree on something which isn't yeah can I happen no but then also like yeah you'd have to be like no this is the law like a reverse handmaids thing or something reverse handmaids yeah like we're gonna outbreed all the goliaths yeah all the gorillas all the savages and barbarians we're gonna cut them off every once in a while like a baby's born it's like at the height like height and weight is too high and they're like we've got to get rid of this one flush them yeah hold them down hold them in the tub yeah oh that's not wise because china's not going to do that china's not going to use crisper and develop hulk babies we're gonna need we're gonna need the might, we're going to need the muscle.

[1818] Dumb, dum, dumb, dumb.

[1819] Are you worried at all about something like that?

[1820] You worried about a war?

[1821] With China?

[1822] Do you ever think of that?

[1823] Do you ever think like Russia, China?

[1824] Like, I've been hearing this term, hot war.

[1825] You know, like we're involved in a cold war with Russia, and we're involved in a cold war with Russia.

[1826] What are they if I want to avoid a hot war?

[1827] Bullets.

[1828] Oh.

[1829] Yeah, I mean, I don't know if I can imagine us getting into a, a war like that again, but I do worry about, like, hacking, like, more of, like, a, what's it called?

[1830] Cyber War.

[1831] Yeah, cyber war.

[1832] I think that's much more likely.

[1833] It is much more likely, but God damn, if there was some sort of, like, a real attack from China or from Russia, it would be more China than Russia.

[1834] I think, from what I understand, Russia does not really have the money.

[1835] They have, you know, they have a military, but they don't have the kind of military that we, have it's pretty big drop off from the united states to what russia has but they're scary enough and dangerous enough that we have to keep an eye on them i feel like ever since nuclear weapons came about people are like yeah let's not do those kinds of wars anymore we still do them in iraqqa afghanistan we'll still go in if there's uh air quotes insurgents right yeah and you know we need the oil yeah a little bit oh no our oil is getting a little bit oh no our oil is getting a little oh low no I think about I think often like what if there was a war and they had to put the draft back in and then I'd think about all my guy friends and I'd be like well first of all I don't want them to fight like because I like them but also can you imagine like Mark Norman like as a soldier he's a pretty fit guy he's very fit but I can't imagine him like killing people you know like I can't imagine him on a battlefield.

[1836] He'd probably make snarky jokes.

[1837] I could imagine Ari could kill people.

[1838] I can imagine Ari could kill people.

[1839] I could imagine Ari giving the other soldiers some sort of pill.

[1840] Yeah, for sure.

[1841] He would definitely dose their water supply.

[1842] Guys, I know to stop this.

[1843] Find the reservoir and dump a bucket of acid into it.

[1844] This is just going to make whatever happens today a lot of fun.

[1845] Who out of your friends do you think would be a good soldier?

[1846] Well, I think Dan Soder would be a good soldier He's a big fellow He's a big guy And he's also just like He's a football player He was a football player I mean he's a teddy bear But he's also I think For the right reasons He'd be like I would kill them But it would have to feel personal to him Personal.

[1847] Yeah Like the commies I don't think It's more fun to think about the people I don't think could do it Like there's no way Keith Robinson even before his stroke was getting into a war That's fucked up But after the stroke Maybe he's got less to lose No he's even now Now he'd be like he'd be like I'm out I got a stroke Look at me I can't fight Has he had any recovery Of his motor skills?

[1848] It's still pretty much Not super usable But he gets up on stage Every night Jokes are probably funnier than ever His stroke material is like really, really good.

[1849] Really?

[1850] Yeah.

[1851] That's awesome.

[1852] Yeah.

[1853] And he's one of my favorite people to sit at the table with.

[1854] Because you sit down, you're immediately making fun of each other.

[1855] Right.

[1856] You know, you're making fun of everyone else.

[1857] Like, it's just jokes the whole night.

[1858] It's so fun.

[1859] People don't understand why that's so fun for us to shit on each other.

[1860] It's great.

[1861] It's so much fun.

[1862] It's one of my favorite things to do.

[1863] It's one of my favorite things, too, about comics, is shit on each other.

[1864] It's fun.

[1865] And also, it's good for you.

[1866] It really is.

[1867] it's healthy to like get shit on so you laugh and like know that you could laugh at people who can't laugh at someone's shitting on them they're the worst the worst it's the worst yeah it's just like we're just having fun it's also like it allows us to say this stuff that like because comics we'll say pretty much anything on stage but there is a line where we're like no this is for only other comics yes you know like this is we gotta yes there's oftentimes we'll be in a discussion and we'll kind of look around and be like if that guy heard any of that stuff If we were talking about having sex with midgets, I don't think any of us are going to have a career anymore.

[1868] Yeah, if someone put like a hidden camera and a hidden microphone in the back bar of the comedy store, oh, Jesus Christ.

[1869] No, yeah, I mean, really, really in trouble.

[1870] When you're trying to shock other comics, you know, shock road -hardened veterans.

[1871] Well, because our problem is that, like, we want to say the funniest thing.

[1872] Yeah.

[1873] And normally that's way past the line, even past our line, where you're just like, no. This isn't.

[1874] I have this sober October group text that I'm in with Ari Shafir, Burt Kreischer, and Tom Sigurra.

[1875] It's fucking ridiculous.

[1876] Yeah.

[1877] Sometimes it's so ruthless and so ridiculous.

[1878] I just go, oh, fuck.

[1879] I'm in a few of those texts.

[1880] Yeah, me too.

[1881] Group texts with other comics are the best.

[1882] It's so great.

[1883] I also have a group text that's with a couple of my female friends.

[1884] And like that one, I'll look away from my phone and then I'll look back a minute or two later and there'd be like 96.

[1885] texts and I'm just like what happened and there's three different conversations going on simultaneously yeah I can't do that it's I don't understand that it's really like being being friends with women is a lot of work it's like you prefer being friends with men I I love being friends with men I also love being friends with women because there's stuff that they you can talk to them about that just like either you can say it to men but they're not going to have the in depth of discussion about it that you want it to happen you know like women we'll just indulge each other and be like but how did he say it you know like oh he put a period like was there a period after the text and he's like yeah there's a period well then yeah i don't think that's good yeah if he just left it open maybe it's casual yeah you know what how many times have you ever a conversation when someone just writes something like sure yes like what does that mean i do it all that sure mean i do it accidentally so i'm I'll be like, yeah, sure.

[1886] Oh, no, I won't say, yeah, I'll just say sure.

[1887] Right.

[1888] Do you want to go there?

[1889] Sure.

[1890] Okay, she's mad.

[1891] Yeah.

[1892] She's mad.

[1893] Sure?

[1894] Sure.

[1895] Sure sounds like a fight is about to happen.

[1896] Yeah.

[1897] Sure.

[1898] You always decide.

[1899] You always.

[1900] Another, like, more aggressive would be fine.

[1901] Fine.

[1902] Yeah.

[1903] Do you want to go there?

[1904] Fine.

[1905] Oh, fine.

[1906] Yeah.

[1907] Fuck's that.

[1908] I'm in trouble.

[1909] Fine's not good.

[1910] I'm a lot of trouble.

[1911] Fine's not good.

[1912] You go to pick her up.

[1913] She's not smiling.

[1914] Like, what are we doing?

[1915] Should we do this?

[1916] Should we stay home?

[1917] Fine.

[1918] If you want to fight, let's just do it now and not wait until we get to the restaurant.

[1919] What is fine?

[1920] What the fuck does that mean?

[1921] I also think it's good for men when women have a lot of female friends because, like, good for the other person you're dating or married to.

[1922] You should want your girlfriend to have a couple female friends so that she can have the conversations.

[1923] Oh, yeah.

[1924] With, like, the more I think about relationships, the more I'm like, no, men and women, like, like, are, A husband and wife shouldn't be having all of those discussions.

[1925] Like, he doesn't want to hear it.

[1926] He doesn't want to hear it.

[1927] Have it with your girlfriends.

[1928] And then just talk to him about whatever else.

[1929] Yes, I couldn't agree more.

[1930] It's an unrealistic expectation.

[1931] I go on double dates on my wife and her and her friend and me and it winds up being two different conversations.

[1932] I get stuck with a husband and she's talking to her friend.

[1933] Like, oh my God, so cute.

[1934] Oh, my God.

[1935] Did he say that?

[1936] Oh, my God.

[1937] Oh, my God.

[1938] And they just have these these rambling girl conversations.

[1939] I go, hey, hey, hey, let's have one conversation.

[1940] Yeah.

[1941] We can't do this two conversations things.

[1942] Yeah.

[1943] And it's like, it's so nice to have like the girls just to be like, yeah, I get to indulge the girl side of myself.

[1944] Right.

[1945] But that's a thing.

[1946] That's a real thing.

[1947] It's a real thing.

[1948] Yeah.

[1949] Yeah.

[1950] But some people want to pretend that men and women are the same thing.

[1951] I think that's such a detriment to both men and women.

[1952] that women are the same as men, it's like, well, we're not, but also, why do we want to be?

[1953] Right.

[1954] Why is that happening?

[1955] Why is that even the standard?

[1956] Right.

[1957] Like, just let women be what we are.

[1958] Yes.

[1959] And men can be what they are.

[1960] And then there's some people that do float in the middle, but like...

[1961] Well, I think it all gets conflated with equal rights.

[1962] Like equality, equal rights, equal laws, equal, you know, willingness to try different jobs, those kinds of things.

[1963] Yeah.

[1964] And then we decide that men and women are not anything.

[1965] different and that these are all cultural creations and these are things that are concocted by society right and i think i mean i think it's kind of it's bad for women when we say well we're just the same as men because it's like you're saying with that sentence that men are correct and when you finally start to think of us as men as the same as men now we're correct too well i like to say is that men and women aren't math exactly we're not equal we're different things yeah it's not it's not an equality thing you make all the people like there will never be equal to you you make every fucking human it's ever made it's made in a woman's body exactly this this whole thing though is weird to me because i'm like where this come from this didn't exist before the equal rights thing existed before yeah but this that that it's some sort of a cultural creation that women are different than men that this is something that society has sort of imposed on women like no women like different things yeah and like we like we just sometimes just like to be around each other which men I think sometimes just like to be around each other too for sure you know like it's like I can hang out with the boys no problem I grew up with older brothers you know like all I ever did was hang out with boys but now like I also see so much value and just give getting to be with girls yeah you should I mean it's and men do with men there's a lot of stuff that men like that women don't a lot of women don't have interest in yeah yeah that's okay it's fine but this idea like that's toxic like toxic masculinity like all this nonsense that we hear today it's all exactly what we were talking about before where people trying to control people and define people yeah it's the same thing it's like I think that's one of the reasons you see it a lot especially online from white women because we want to to have power.

[1966] You know, like we want to, we want to be able to, and I mean, us being able to tell other people what they can and cannot do or say is us just being like, yep, that's our power now.

[1967] We might never be better than white men, you know, but we can at least control what you get to say about us.

[1968] And I think as soon as white women are like, yeah, we do like to have control, then we'll be like, thank you.

[1969] let's dismantle all of this it's the same kind of toxic masculinity you know like it's just like it's all toxic yeah you know like how dare you tell what black people how to feel about you know like what jokes we can and cannot say about black people did you ask any of them you know like you'll see it starts I'm sure you see at stand -up shows where there's like white women with their arms crossed and then like when you start talking about race and then black people who are laughing and you're like they're like you shouldn't be able to tell jokes about black people like that and it's like did you look well i think a lot of it too is people working in offices all day where they're constantly suppressed right like the way you communicated in an office is so vastly different than the way a comic communicates on stage in front of a nightclub yeah it's so different that most people the vast majority of their day is under the spell of human resources right you know they're they have this imposed standard of communication that's it's not how they want to talk it's not how they want behave and think like look and also men and women working together is strange it's strange and anybody says it's not strange never worked with women and men together right because people get attracted to each other people get petty people get jealous people get flirty people get mean people get controlling they play social games with each other yeah and like i mean it's one of those things where it's like you can't even broach the subject now because people are like it's not an issue and i'm like no there are so many issues it's fraught issues.

[1970] Like, let's talk about it.

[1971] Like, okay, yeah, there's a lot of sexual harassment that happens in offices, but there's also a lot of legitimate relationships that happen in offices.

[1972] Like, there's flirting, there's one -night stands.

[1973] There's, you know, like, all of this is happening.

[1974] People get married and have kids.

[1975] People fuck for a while, and then they might hate each other, but they still got to figure out how to work together.

[1976] That happens all the time.

[1977] All the time.

[1978] The hilarious thing is when that happens and there's a boss and someone who's below them.

[1979] They'll say, Oh, he abused his power.

[1980] And again, I look at it from my perspective where I'm like, I'm attracted to men who are good and powerful.

[1981] So if I were going to have, I worked in an office and my boss was really good looking and I was attracted to him and there was a chemistry and we started sleeping together.

[1982] Like, that's what I wanted.

[1983] And then, you know, like, yeah, this is like.

[1984] You're going to get canceled just for saying that.

[1985] A hundred percent.

[1986] You can't say that.

[1987] You can't say that you want to be with someone powerful and someone who holds something over you.

[1988] Yeah, I do see.

[1989] You should fuck the janitor.

[1990] Be a good person.

[1991] Yeah, I mean, if he's really hot.

[1992] Well, he needs a green card anyway.

[1993] Oh, well.

[1994] You could hook him up.

[1995] You'd get married now.

[1996] That was the whole thing.

[1997] But take it seriously.

[1998] It's important for his culture.

[1999] Don't be an asshole about it.

[2000] I'm his, I'm his way in.

[2001] There you go.

[2002] I do think, like, I do see it now, and this is a weird thing, but like super feminist women.

[2003] do see a lot of them kind of dating like jawless like kind of push over guys yeah and I'm like I'm like oh maybe they're maybe they're the women I'm talking about they're like no I found these short I found these soft bones men you know like jawless is a fun way to describe it they're so jawless jawless man fuck that's such a bummer but really bad genes like that like oh there's not a guy damn thing they can do about that.

[2004] No, I don't, I don't think you can get a new jaw.

[2005] They give you a jaw surgery.

[2006] They can, like, try to grow your jaw out with, like, the cut your jaw and break it and, ugh.

[2007] I know a lady who got a chin, she had a, chin like this.

[2008] And she didn't want to keep it?

[2009] No, she didn't want to keep it.

[2010] So she got a, like, a chin implant.

[2011] I think they might have done something to her actual jaw itself, too.

[2012] But it was one of those very unfortunate chins.

[2013] And then she, what, couldn't eat for like?

[2014] I don't know.

[2015] They put a piece of plastic or something where her chin, like it used to go in too far.

[2016] Yeah.

[2017] And it came out a little bit.

[2018] Did she have syphilis?

[2019] I don't know.

[2020] I didn't ask.

[2021] I didn't know her that well.

[2022] She told me she had a chin implant.

[2023] I was like, what?

[2024] What?

[2025] You're like your jaw?

[2026] She didn't like the shape of her jaw.

[2027] So she got her jaw reworked.

[2028] Well, some of these guys should get, look into that.

[2029] I don't think there's much you can do.

[2030] If you have a tiny little jaw.

[2031] Fuck.

[2032] That's a bummer.

[2033] But yeah, working with men and women working together.

[2034] It's like, there's a way to figure it out, but it's fraught with complications.

[2035] It is.

[2036] And the real issue is people holding things over you in order to get you to sleep with them.

[2037] It's not you being someone who works or someone who's legitimately attracted to this guy and then you get together.

[2038] Still, if I was running a company, I'd say, hey, don't fuck each other, you assholes.

[2039] I'm trying to make money.

[2040] Right.

[2041] Yeah.

[2042] I want productivity.

[2043] I don't want, yeah, like, I don't want to spend.

[2044] and I can't I can't condone it legally right because if I say yeah what are you banging your secretary all right fuck yeah take a picture you know what am I going to say you would have to say that it's in the rules and regulations you would have to say but it's there's no way you can tell me that it's not possible for a man and a woman who work together and the guy's the boss and the woman works under him and they fall in love and they have an amazing relationship it happens all the time it does Bill and Melinda Gates.

[2045] Oh.

[2046] She worked in Microsoft.

[2047] That piece of shit.

[2048] Bill is a piece of shit.

[2049] I mean, he's a power hungry, piece of shit who abused his power.

[2050] And you can see it when you look at it.

[2051] It's basically rape.

[2052] It's basically rape.

[2053] He had power over her.

[2054] Basically.

[2055] Yeah.

[2056] She's actually been a prisoner.

[2057] Oh my God.

[2058] I can't believe this.

[2059] We've got to give her half of that $100 billion that he has and get her out of that ivory tower.

[2060] Of course.

[2061] Of course this happens.

[2062] Yeah.

[2063] Of course it happens.

[2064] Yeah.

[2065] It's what the real.

[2066] real issue is someone sexually harassing you like some guy was holding a promotion over your head saying that he wants you to sleep with him or making lewd comments and make you feel disgusted or you show up to work and you're not interested in that person at all you just want to do your job and they're making comments about your breasts or your legs or your mouth or fuck oh the mouth comments are the worst they're somehow creepier than like the breast or the butt it's just like your mouth oh stop it just picture him with his just fly down pants still on that pulls his cock.

[2067] Oh, God.

[2068] Oh, look at that little mouth.

[2069] Stop talking about my mouth.

[2070] The problem is there's no equivalent with men.

[2071] There's no one thing that a woman could say to a man that makes him feel like a piece of meat like that, like humiliated.

[2072] It's so hard to sexually harass men because they're into so much of it.

[2073] Yeah, we'd like it.

[2074] Yeah.

[2075] Especially if we're attracted to you, you sexually harassing.

[2076] Like if your boss is like, it's like, if you're, like, if your boss is, like, like you want this job you got to eat my pussy but like how you fucking do this here or later or you're on that desk right now how much am i getting how much of a raise are we talking about here can i also get a couple of vacation days how many days do i get and how many can i get does it depend on the performance right right right like what if i really know what i'm doing can we do this a lot she's like well let me see i don't know i'll give you a performance review i know you You're married, and I have a wife as well, so let's just, like, keep this on the salon.

[2077] I'll just fuck the shit out of your work.

[2078] We're good.

[2079] Good.

[2080] You're good.

[2081] I'll make an extra 40, 50 grand a year.

[2082] By the way, we are going to need to get something to lock that door.

[2083] And you win the Matt Lauer buttons click.

[2084] Yeah.

[2085] But the thing is, like, even if, so even if, like, a mail boss, even if you got everything, like, in writing beforehand, saying, like, this is consensual.

[2086] Yes.

[2087] I think you could easily say afterwards, it wasn't.

[2088] I felt coerced into signing.

[2089] what's exactly happening with Matt Lauer.

[2090] Yeah.

[2091] That's exactly what happened.

[2092] Is it?

[2093] Yeah, it's exactly.

[2094] He was having a sexual affair with a woman that he worked with that wasn't even under him.

[2095] She was in a different department.

[2096] And they're still saying that he had like power over her.

[2097] It might be correct though.

[2098] See, the thing is this Rowan Farrow guy, Ronan Farrow guy, you know, he's obviously a real legitimate journalist and he's done a deep dive into these things.

[2099] So it's so hard to say until Matt Lauer comes out and just like has a, he has to make statements, I guess, on all these different things.

[2100] Because apparently there were some people that got paid off.

[2101] Right.

[2102] And it's something that like NBC denied.

[2103] And then he's proven there's been several different compensation payoffs, people that were sexually harassed.

[2104] Well, even when you hear like about payments, you're like, yeah, that might mean it's legitimate or it might mean that they're.

[2105] They thought, this is the easiest way to fix this problem.

[2106] Unless you're talking about Bill O 'Reilly.

[2107] That is.

[2108] Yeah.

[2109] That's the gold standard of sexual harassment pants.

[2110] When you paid that chick 32 million, you're like, what did you say, Bill?

[2111] Yeah, yeah.

[2112] What did you do?

[2113] That's not just keep quiet money.

[2114] That's just like, no, we don't, I don't want to deal with it anymore.

[2115] Just give her the $32 million.

[2116] It's like.

[2117] And we went over it.

[2118] Apparently, there's also a clause that she has to denounce.

[2119] that anything ever took place and then if evidence comes out she has to lie and say that evidence is not valid i mean for 32 million you got to do you guys you're in the clear for life you don't have to work again that lady right now is probably got her feet up she's probably got like like uh fluffy slippers on just sipping tea living exactly where she wants to live laughing Because every now and then she just like wakes up in the morning and they just realize she doesn't have to do shit ever again.

[2120] Fuck you, Bill!

[2121] I mean, she won.

[2122] Oh, my God, did she win?

[2123] She won $32 million.

[2124] Yeah.

[2125] If you live a reasonable life, you don't have to do a goddamn thing with $32 million.

[2126] You take vacations every year.

[2127] You buy a nice, fat new car every year.

[2128] You live in a beautiful house.

[2129] You have to do shit.

[2130] You have help.

[2131] You have like, I mean.

[2132] Yes.

[2133] You're set.

[2134] 32 million.

[2135] What is that in just if 10 % that's $3 million a year just in interest?

[2136] Yeah.

[2137] Right?

[2138] If you can make your money work for you.

[2139] You're a financial person.

[2140] Is that real?

[2141] Can you do that?

[2142] Get 10 % interest?

[2143] I mean, it depends what you're invested in.

[2144] If you have legit 32 million in the bank, what would you get out of that?

[2145] Well, is it just in, what is it?

[2146] It would have to be in funds and 401Ks and what would it have to be in to, in order to get $3 million a year?

[2147] I don't know.

[2148] Wow, it would have to be in.

[2149] But.

[2150] Bernie Madoff type shit.

[2151] I know, I mean, I only ever, like, sold mutual funds.

[2152] Like, that's what we, we did, like, due diligence on mutual funds and stuff like that.

[2153] What's a good return?

[2154] It really depends.

[2155] Like, I mean, there's a lot of funds that, like, it fluctuates, but there's, like, a good 4%, you know, like.

[2156] 4%.

[2157] Yeah.

[2158] That's not good enough.

[2159] She wants to live like a baller Yeah, she needs more I'm sure there's higher yield ones that you could use 4 % is not even a million a year She needs 10 What are we going to do?

[2160] We got to diversify I don't have anything in the stock market anymore Because after Bear it collapsed And I saw I literally saw people that were working there For 30 years lose everything Because they lost their job And they were reinvested in the company Which they say you're not supposed to do But this company like Bear like built itself on being like like loyalty and like you know like like work for us help people move ahead and then they'd reinvest back into the company you give you get stocks like all this stuff and then you lost your job and the stock price went from one 30 to two dollars you're fucked did it help you when everything crashed to give you a jump to get into stand up and go balls out no it was sorry for the male expression how dare you gender uh yeah because you can't say labia out that's very weird what can you say clit out yeah I real I went real clit out on this that might be a new thing that sounds bad coming out my little mouth oh my god no it was like I was I was cheap I was cheap relatively cheap labor compared to everyone else I knew I wasn't going to lose my job I also came up with a Microsoft access program that we used in the department that no one else knew how to use.

[2161] Really?

[2162] Yeah.

[2163] So you kind of had your job locked in.

[2164] Yeah.

[2165] But the company could go under.

[2166] The company could go under, but it wasn't, I was still in the early enough phase that, like, I had no idea what this whole comedy thing was going to turn into.

[2167] And I - Did it give you a motivation, like knowing that all these people that did work hard towards a legitimate career, that it could all fall apart on them?

[2168] I mean, that scarred.

[2169] me I think in a different way where I was just like oh you can't you can't trust the stock market like that's it more put me like it didn't make me worry about like my career anything like that like I was I think it was too young to think about longevity career wise and I was too new in in comedy to think it was like that could all fall apart I was I didn't assume it was going to go anywhere anyway and but it really did like people always like well you should be invested you be like they're like no over time i'm like no i know all the sayings but if it crashes when you want to retire it doesn't matter like if you're at 60 or whatever it is and you want to retire and your 401k just completely drops then you got to wait what 10 more years to retire until it gets back up to where it was so you know keep it in cash baby so that's what you do now yeah you got a safe at home every now and then you throw the money on the bed and just roll in the money.

[2170] I know.

[2171] Every once in a decent proposal.

[2172] How bad would that be like you're like I'm just going to roll around this money and then afterwards you're like I gotta clean up all this money.

[2173] Not only that you test positive for cocaine.

[2174] Yeah.

[2175] You got like you got every germ.

[2176] Yeah.

[2177] If you're naked and you're rolling around with money that's fucking gross.

[2178] I don't even like I like wash my hands after I touch money.

[2179] You should.

[2180] It's disgusting I mean it's Everyone's carrying it Yeah So it's it's something that we know people touch It's like one of the one things that you know Has been passed on From person to person to person to person Very few objects like a watch or a light Very few objects are touched by as many people as money Yeah and often And strangers Yeah Dirty people It's on the ground Yes It's in a machine Yes It's gross And the numbers of People that get dollar bills that test positive for cocaine, it's crazy.

[2181] It's awful charts.

[2182] Yeah, they did some study on $100 bills, like the percentage of $100 bills that test positive for cocaine.

[2183] It's really high.

[2184] Yeah?

[2185] It's really high.

[2186] Yeah, I mean, I guess it would be hundreds.

[2187] Yeah.

[2188] Hundreds in circulation.

[2189] You're trying to impress people.

[2190] I don't get a fuck.

[2191] I'm going to lay down fire when I'm done.

[2192] Do you see that Walmart sweater that they got in trouble for?

[2193] Yeah, the cocaine Santa?

[2194] Yeah, cocaine Santa.

[2195] I like that one.

[2196] They're so lame.

[2197] They didn't even know what the fuck it was.

[2198] Yeah, they were like, no, it's snow.

[2199] No, no, no, stupid.

[2200] He's got a straw on his hand.

[2201] What's the percentage of dollar bills?

[2202] Does it say?

[2203] What?

[2204] It's not legit?

[2205] Fecal matter showed up more than cocaine.

[2206] Of course.

[2207] Dirty people wipe their hands with their own hands.

[2208] Just smudge it on their dollar bills.

[2209] Maybe they wipe their ass with dollar bills when they run out.

[2210] toilet paper and then they washed the dollar bill off in the sink but do a shitty job of it pardon the pun i mean if you did run out of toilet paper yeah it'd be good it's probably solid clean it off in the sink says the flu can last for up to 17 days on the dollar bill oh great credit cards that's where credit card when people start getting sick just pull out the credit card that's why when i was little i ate i ate dirt i ain't boogers i ate grass good move and i rarely get sick good move solid immune system solid immune system yeah that's why people in dirt I was a gross child.

[2211] 80 % for cocaine, 94 % according to a 2002 report for poop.

[2212] 94 % How is poop getting on everything?

[2213] Because people are gross.

[2214] They always say like there's poop, like there's fecal matter on like your toothbrush.

[2215] If it's like near you, I'm like, how is it getting there?

[2216] People are gross.

[2217] We're disgusting.

[2218] How is it popping?

[2219] What's happening?

[2220] Oh, we're touching railings.

[2221] After you wash your hands.

[2222] Like I was at Disneyland, this little kid was sucking on a chain.

[2223] Oh, no. Just had the chain in his mouth.

[2224] I'm like, you're a kid.

[2225] Blah!

[2226] Just shit chain.

[2227] At Disneyland.

[2228] I picture someone pulling that chain out of their ass.

[2229] Clink, clink, clink, clink.

[2230] Rehooking it up.

[2231] That is my favorite ride at Disneyland.

[2232] The shit chain.

[2233] He was sucking on the chain.

[2234] What's up?

[2235] That was beauty.

[2236] Oh, there's so much.

[2237] That's such a high percentage.

[2238] 94 per poop and 80 something for Coke.

[2239] Yeah, a lot of fucking people doing Coke on $100 bills.

[2240] 100 different strains of bacteria for animals, unspecified domestic animals.

[2241] Yeah.

[2242] Yeah, if you wanted to really spread a disease in this country, spread it through money.

[2243] Yeah.

[2244] Oh, don't give people that idea.

[2245] Sorry, more creative with my ideas.

[2246] I didn't tell them the one about the plane.

[2247] I'll tell you afterwards.

[2248] I'll tell you my plane idea.

[2249] Yeah, but yeah, you could, it would be really easy.

[2250] If you had, like, cocaine on dollars, you could easily just put some sort of a fucking horrible disease on dollars.

[2251] Yeah.

[2252] Spread it around.

[2253] There was a guy last night at the Lakers game who was throwing money, just $1 bills into the crowd.

[2254] And people were scrambling for it.

[2255] And I was like, this could be, he could be passing anything.

[2256] Yeah, easily.

[2257] Yeah.

[2258] I was like, or this is a really great way to see if your counterfeit bills were.

[2259] work.

[2260] Or to get people in trouble.

[2261] Yeah, you fucking losers.

[2262] Have ten bucks for free.

[2263] Yeah, there's a, that's a weird thing, right?

[2264] The throwing money thing.

[2265] I'm so rich.

[2266] I can throw money away.

[2267] Throw it up in the air.

[2268] Making it rain.

[2269] Yeah.

[2270] It feels weird when you're like with no specified target.

[2271] Right, right, right.

[2272] You know, if you're like, oh, I'm so rich, I'm going to give it to a school.

[2273] That's nice.

[2274] That'll be a nice thing to do.

[2275] I'm so rich.

[2276] I'm just going to throw it in the air.

[2277] Yeah, it's the ultimate and frivolous spending.

[2278] Yeah.

[2279] I mean, even at strip clubs, I can get behind it because you're like, oh, yeah, you're paying this lady.

[2280] But you're making her scratch it all up together.

[2281] Yeah.

[2282] Like she's sweeping leaves.

[2283] It's weird.

[2284] I bet strippers really hate raking in the fall.

[2285] They're probably like, ugh.

[2286] It's not even money.

[2287] Not even money.

[2288] But they must get money thrown at them all the time, right?

[2289] Oh, they do.

[2290] They would get it crumpling.

[2291] Yeah.

[2292] And guys would throw it.

[2293] That has to be the worst flattening it back out.

[2294] Yeah, ironing.

[2295] Oh, God.

[2296] You're like, this isn't going to work in the vending machine.

[2297] That's another job where there's no male equivalent that's as humiliating.

[2298] Because, like, Chippendale's dancers, like, if a guy's a Chippendale's dancer, it doesn't even come with a stigma.

[2299] No. Like, he's a good -looking guy with a six -pack.

[2300] He wants to make some money.

[2301] Yeah.

[2302] puts his hog in a tube and starts dancing for ladies with cowboy boots on.

[2303] It's normal.

[2304] No one cares.

[2305] Like, hey, our boyfriend used to be a Chibbantil's dancer.

[2306] Yeah, I'd have to pay my way through college.

[2307] I mean, it's a real testament to how much better women's bodies are.

[2308] Like, we're just like, like, the male by is like, I mean, I'm attracted to it.

[2309] But, like, it's still just like, it's not something I want to see dancing around necessarily.

[2310] It's a weird thing.

[2311] Guys dancing is feminine, too.

[2312] Yeah.

[2313] It's like a guy just sitting there dancing in front of you.

[2314] It's like, what are you doing?

[2315] Yeah.

[2316] Like, you know, when women are dancing, they're letting you know, you.

[2317] could fuck me yeah you know you could fuck the guy guys will fuck anything it's so easy i always to say like you want to fuck a guy be the last one there just be the one who goes i'm ready to fuck yeah he's like oh you ready to fuck okay get out of here it's also like it's so we're just attracted to different things too like you know like yeah we like attractive men but like you want to get us like show us you're capable of things you know yeah that's hot like your life so fucked up the year of Chippendales dancer we're like yeah I'm just like what do you how come you don't have your shit together you're 35 yeah like why you'd be like an accountant or something yeah yeah you have a full beard you should have a real job yeah you're a fucking real grown up man why why are you dancing why are you dancing like where do this go wrong for you oh like stop it it's such a different reaction too like when girls go to see men strip or men dancing they scream they're screaming and yelling yeah guys are just sitting there looking creepy guys are sitting back like this they're like yeah and I'm like oh your posture it's a reverse of roles for guys like the women are aggressive because they want to make money like would you like a dance would you like the women are coming up to you like whoa this is crazy they're coming up to me yeah and it's like yeah because you're panging them how I get all technical on it what do you think would change in society if prostitution was legal um i think it'd be a lot less guys that are stressed i think there would be yeah i mean i people would probably be a little nicer i think people would be nicer i think those women would finally get like like they could have like a union yeah you know like they could not really hos will just break union lines i want to be at a prostitute union meeting i really do i really Y 'all are charging too little They're like I'm not giving my fees The health care was not good this year You fucking bitches need to step up Could you imagine what it would be like Being in a prostitution meeting All smoking They're all sitting around I gotta get out of this fucking job This job is fucking bullshit But there's also like one woman in like a skirt And heels who's just like We're not all like that Okay some of us We're the classy ones like there's the classy versus the unclassy side of the room you know I knew a girl who in college she was uh she was a prostitute but she was a prostitute like she would fuck guys she knew for money and she didn't want to get a job and she liked these guys they were like older married guys and she was trying to explain it and I was like oh okay so you like you knew the guys and you would fuck them for money she's an artist right and she was explaining the whole thing I was Oh, okay.

[2318] Well, that's an argument that comes up a lot where there's, there's some women who say that, like, no, I want to do this.

[2319] Well, if you want, look, imagine if you're a woman, right, and you're in college, and some guy says, I will pay you $2 ,000 to have sex.

[2320] It'll take about an hour versus you have to work for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours.

[2321] And the guy's a nice guy.

[2322] Right.

[2323] And you go, oh, okay, he's like this nice businessman and he can't get.

[2324] Maybe would have done it anyway.

[2325] Yeah, maybe, probably not.

[2326] But either way, it's not the worst thing in the world.

[2327] You're not disgusted by it.

[2328] He's not treating you terrible.

[2329] Right.

[2330] He just likes sexual pleasure from a pretty girl and you like money.

[2331] And then next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire.

[2332] Like, what is wrong with that?

[2333] But that obviously, that's best case scenario, right?

[2334] The worst case scenario, I think, is pimps and people abusing women and sexual trafficking and all the stuff that's associated with the same sort of thing that's associated with illegal drugs is associated with illegal prostitution crime organized crime i mean that's that's what the real problem is and look i have three daughters i don't want anybody to be a prostitute but if they were going to be a prostitute i would like it to be like a legal thing not not my kids right right some other losers kids but if you're going to have prostitution if it was legal first of all why isn't it legal how come it's okay to fuck anybody you want but it's not okay to pay for it That's crazy.

[2335] I mean, it's, it's the oldest profession.

[2336] Yes.

[2337] So there should be something at this point, we should go as a society.

[2338] Hey, we're not getting rid of this.

[2339] Yeah.

[2340] Let's just figure out a way to make it as safe.

[2341] Test people.

[2342] Protect them from creeps.

[2343] Make sure you have security.

[2344] But maybe that's also part of why guys, some guys like it because it is illegal.

[2345] Forbidden, it's dirty.

[2346] Yeah, you can't.

[2347] Oh, it's naughty.

[2348] Like, if you look at porn, it's all naughty porn that's popular now.

[2349] It's all like my step -sister, step -mother, step -brother.

[2350] That's all it is.

[2351] It's all naughty stuff.

[2352] A step stuff.

[2353] It's all step.

[2354] Everybody's step.

[2355] I'm not kidding.

[2356] It's like, those are all the titles.

[2357] Yeah.

[2358] If I did look, that's what I would find.

[2359] It's all step, step this and step that.

[2360] It's weird.

[2361] Like people want to be, like, and this is a site where, see, because porn is so prevalent now, and it's so easily accessible.

[2362] Right.

[2363] And it's so, you get on your fucking phone.

[2364] You're watching it on the nice screen in your phone.

[2365] It's in 4K.

[2366] You stream it anytime you want.

[2367] So because of that, we're gravitating towards weirder and weirder shit.

[2368] Like, to get our kink off, like, people have to be like, I can't even, I can't even believe we're doing this.

[2369] You're supposed to be my sister.

[2370] Yeah.

[2371] I'm not your real sister.

[2372] I'm just your step sister.

[2373] And next thing you know, go, they're getting crazy.

[2374] I love the amount of time it takes to convince someone in porn.

[2375] Yeah, real quick.

[2376] Yeah, yeah, it's just always like, oh, five seconds?

[2377] Do you have a heart on?

[2378] I can't believe this.

[2379] dare you you're disgusting no no just it's like that all the time i mean i'm not even thinking anything you're my sister this is crazy let me see it i want to see i want to see a porn that actually takes the amount of time it would take to convince someone it depends on who it is if it's a slut it would be accurate but if it's uh sorry to slut shame but if it's uh yeah like a relationship slut in power you just slut empowered i don't think you're shamed oh yeah yeah i slut in power Some people like a long, drawn -out courtship sort of deal.

[2380] Yeah.

[2381] Like, some guys, like, guys that are friends with, they prefer that a girl doesn't want to sleep with them quickly because this way, this is a girl that is making good choices.

[2382] Yeah, I mean.

[2383] Especially in your 30s, you start thinking about, like, okay, this could be the one.

[2384] Yeah.

[2385] You hear that a lot of times with guys, like, I mean, that's how they always say you're supposed to play the game.

[2386] It's just be like, no, hold out for him, hold out for him.

[2387] And it's just like, whatever.

[2388] You don't have to.

[2389] You can have great relationships after a first one -night stand.

[2390] Yeah.

[2391] 100%.

[2392] I'm pretty sure it happens all the time.

[2393] All the time.

[2394] 100%.

[2395] Yeah.

[2396] But I also get the appeal of it.

[2397] I get it.

[2398] Yeah.

[2399] I know that people like to chase.

[2400] Both things are good.

[2401] Sometimes it's good to have a couple of cocktails and go, fuck it.

[2402] Let's do this.

[2403] Woo!

[2404] Of course.

[2405] Yes.

[2406] Why else were you drinking?

[2407] Yes.

[2408] Well, that's these moments where like the universe creates like especially nightclub moments a couple of cocktails the universe says it just puts those little seeds out there like you look at them they look at you and you're like what do you think right you're like i'm like yeah yeah wow and then but then like i always think about like like i live in new york there's plenty of opportunities for that how do people in other cities in not even cities towns like you're at a bar what are you doing like what are there farmers only dot com Yeah, is it all dating app?

[2409] Yeah, there's a farmer's website dating app.

[2410] I know that one.

[2411] You know that one?

[2412] There's a commercial for it.

[2413] Farmers only dot com.

[2414] It's like a hot girl on Daisy Duke's shorts like with a tractor.

[2415] I'm like, please tell me how many look like that.

[2416] No, no. I'm sure there's hot farmer girls out there that live in those small towns.

[2417] Of course they're not.

[2418] Yeah.

[2419] I know, I know a farmer from back home.

[2420] He's really attractive and his wife's really attractive.

[2421] What the hell?

[2422] There you go.

[2423] It's real.

[2424] Yeah.

[2425] Farmers work hard.

[2426] Date.

[2427] and work too hard.

[2428] They work really hard for not a lot of money.

[2429] That's a difficult job.

[2430] That's like a whole government issue.

[2431] And it's, you know, they have to like mine their books carefully.

[2432] It's, I mean, and then part of it's just dependent on like the weather that year.

[2433] You work so hard and then all of a sudden it just doesn't rain.

[2434] How about farmers' almanacs?

[2435] Like, what in the fuck is that?

[2436] You can predict the rain two years from now?

[2437] Like they have these books where they're like, Back before they had like real weather satellites, they had farmers' almanacs.

[2438] And they're accurate for the most part.

[2439] How is that possible?

[2440] I don't know.

[2441] What kind of voodoo are they using?

[2442] It sounds like witchery.

[2443] Yeah.

[2444] This is a thing.

[2445] Like there's a lot of things you hear from back then where people got, you know, people said they were witches.

[2446] And then you're like, yeah, but also, how did they know?

[2447] Well, do you know what that whole witch trial shit was about?

[2448] I don't know.

[2449] It was about ergot.

[2450] It was about late frosts.

[2451] Uh -huh.

[2452] of late frosts a lot of like wheat in particular it develops fungus and that fungus is ergot is one of the funguses that could grow on it and ergot produces uh lysurgic acid produces a very lSD like effect so these people were getting acid from the bread so people were tripping balls and freaking out and thinking that you know and also it's always women right it's always men burning women it wasn't a warlock hunt no no one was on that yeah right so it's like this bitch she did it to me she was in witchcraft it was up i bet a lot of it was men who were attracted to women and those women weren't attracted to them and they were angry and then they were on acid and then they were like oh my god she's a witch and then they were paranoid and they believed in witches back then they believed in witchcraft and why wouldn't you if you're on acid eating bread you didn't even know and all of a sudden you're like i'm bewitched i has been bewitched also it's a much better excuse for your wife when you're like yeah no she bewitched me she's witch and there's no way women aren't going to turn on each other immediately they never burnt them though that was that was a miss man yeah they used to drown them which is kind of more well my favorite thing not my favorite thing my favorite thing in the world they used to hold their hair it was one of those things where it's like we'll we'll load her with rocks and if she sinks she's not a witch oh that's right but then she's dead because she sank to the bottom and then we feel bad so then we're like oh she wasn't a witch let's give her a nice burial But a cross on it But then if they put a bunch of rocks on you And you floated, you were a witch And so then they killed you Oh boy But I'm gonna guess they never found ones That didn't sink to the bottom Can you imagine if you had to live back then Forget about all the smells and the syphilis And all the fucking powdered wigs Then they're fucking drowning witches Like Christ Yeah and then like Also you just have kids And they just keep dying Oh yeah Like you die You're like everyone's dying everyone was always dying well that's also the like the whole life expectancy thing yeah were people it's like someone that's my friend chris ryan had explained that to me like when people think that people back in like the the the the 1200s only lived to be 30 years old right on average just because of infant mortality exactly so there's so much infant mortality and childhood mortality that it like lowered that that the life expectancy yeah people were living to the 60s and 70s it's just that all the baby were also dying.

[2453] There's a great, there's a book by Stephen Pinker.

[2454] I can't remember the name of it is escaping me, but it's a, it's a really good book about like, oh my God, why can't even get the name?

[2455] Can you look up a Stephen Pinker book?

[2456] And it just essentially talks about like how things are actually, because you know, people always say good old days and how things are getting exponentially better and will continue to get better.

[2457] Yeah, he was on recently.

[2458] Oh, he was?

[2459] Yeah, yeah, about five, six, months ago.

[2460] He's great.

[2461] I really like him.

[2462] I love his word.

[2463] I love Outliers.

[2464] Oh, that's Malcolm Gladwell.

[2465] I love that too.

[2466] He was on recently too.

[2467] He was on much more recently.

[2468] He was on like a couple weeks ago.

[2469] But Pinker's excellent.

[2470] He's just, uh, his work.

[2471] Enlightenment now?

[2472] Yes.

[2473] Yeah.

[2474] Yes.

[2475] Yeah, he gets massive pushback on that.

[2476] That's what's interesting because he's saying that everything's better, that there's less violence, there's less crime, there's less rape, there's less, all these things.

[2477] And he shows it statistically.

[2478] And people are like, you're belittling all the horrible crimes that take place.

[2479] And you're enabling all these assholes to try to say things are fine and to not be protesting about all these issues like no just using statistics but he's not like what it's again what makes me bad about the like the social justice stuff is that he's not saying don't try to keep making things better don't try to like yeah there are things we should protest he's just saying that like no statistically we're headed in the right direction yes and then he even talks about anomalies where we do go backwards sometimes.

[2480] But like, this is all stuff where it's like, if you don't want to know the actual information, don't get in the fight to begin with.

[2481] Yeah.

[2482] And don't look at statistics.

[2483] People don't want to know facts anymore.

[2484] They want to go based off their feelings.

[2485] That's a lot of what happens when you talk about women not being as strong as men.

[2486] With sports.

[2487] Yeah, with sports.

[2488] Like where women, other people or men who are like trying to fight for women, they're like, they want it to not be true.

[2489] They want men and women to be the same.

[2490] as good as each other in sports.

[2491] And it's like, just because you want it, it doesn't mean it's true.

[2492] Well, very few people say that.

[2493] But something that people do say is that a trans woman is equal to a biological woman.

[2494] And then that argument is horseshit.

[2495] Yeah.

[2496] And that argument has been disproved by all these women that are winning world records.

[2497] And they say, well, there's outliers in sports, period.

[2498] So there's people that are athletic anomalies like Michael Jordan or whoever.

[2499] you know people that are just supreme genetic athletes so do you discount them but no they're they're coming from a different gender you fucking idiot yeah like you can't do that like i know what you're trying to do you're trying to find some loophole where it makes sense where a six foot six man can play girls basketball right but you can't because 90 % of the population that's not on Twitter the regular people are going to go hey fuck you yeah that's what's going on right now people are going hey fuck you because this is crazy yeah martina never Trelova.

[2500] They're calling her a bigot.

[2501] She's a famous lesbian.

[2502] And they're calling her a bigot.

[2503] She's transphobic.

[2504] Martina and her transphobic.

[2505] No, she just wants, she wants things to be competitive.

[2506] Have a trans only league.

[2507] Yeah.

[2508] You're welcome.

[2509] Yeah.

[2510] Super simple.

[2511] And like people are so many of them.

[2512] It's not fair that it has to be separated.

[2513] Yes, it is.

[2514] Yeah, it is fair.

[2515] That's why men and women are separated.

[2516] Well, this is the argument that I got in with this guy on the show.

[2517] But he was saying that there's not that much difference between men and women.

[2518] I go, okay, so you think women should be able to compete with men in sports he said well i'm not i'm not really saying that's exactly what you're saying do you think that it's okay if women compete against men in weightlifting and basketball how well do you think that would work out for women how well do you think it would work out in track and field how old do you think it'll work out in anything it's nonsense there's a reason why there's a difference where we define men's sports and women's sports for fairness so we should have trans only sports that way just fucking like if there's that many of them let's have trans, you're going to find out how few they really are.

[2519] That's what's going to be really weird.

[2520] Exactly, but it's like, is it not fair, like, that they have to have their own league?

[2521] I mean, maybe, but also, none of this is fair, you know?

[2522] Like, it's not, like, none of us...

[2523] I don't think it's not fair if they have their own league.

[2524] I think it's the only thing that's fair.

[2525] Yeah.

[2526] Well, and it's like, none of us have made any of these choices.

[2527] Like, I, we're all born the way we're born, right?

[2528] If you're a trans person and you were born a man and, but you're, you're, you're a man and, but, you've always believed that you're a woman, that's also not fair.

[2529] You know, like, that's like, that's a crazy predicament to be put into.

[2530] Sure, yeah.

[2531] But that doesn't mean, I want you competing with me because you're going to destroy me. Yeah, it's not fair.

[2532] It's not fair.

[2533] But you know it is fair?

[2534] What?

[2535] You're a comedy special that's on Netflix right now.

[2536] Is that a good segue?

[2537] Nah, it's terrible.

[2538] Stop lying.

[2539] What's it called again?

[2540] Joke show.

[2541] It's on right now, right?

[2542] It comes Tuesday?

[2543] Yeah, Tuesday.

[2544] So tonight at midnight?

[2545] Tonight at midnight.

[2546] Oh, exciting.

[2547] Yeah, I'm really excited for people to see it.

[2548] I've seen clips of it.

[2549] It's very funny.

[2550] Thank you.

[2551] You're very funny.

[2552] Thank you.

[2553] I'm really happy that you came on the show.

[2554] Me too.

[2555] It was fucking awesome.

[2556] Thanks.

[2557] Yeah, I want, I mean, I think out of the correspondence dinner, all these people think I'm just a political comic.

[2558] And I'm like, I'll write jokes for any topic.

[2559] Yeah.

[2560] Like, but I don't like telling political jokes.

[2561] But it was kind of cool, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, Respondent's dinner thing because that put you on the map.

[2562] Yeah, I'm very happy I did it.

[2563] Don't get me wrong.

[2564] And I stand by those jokes to this day.

[2565] They were great jokes.

[2566] Thanks.

[2567] You got the president to tweet at you.

[2568] Yeah, I mean, come on.

[2569] Was it disconcerting when that was happening?

[2570] I just remember that when he tweeted at me, I, like, because he tweeted once after the dinner and then sometime in like later in the year, like months after.

[2571] And I was doing like, I was doing a show in Brooklyn.

[2572] I don't have Twitter on my phone.

[2573] and you don't no I only have it on my computer and I was out in Brooklyn two shows and I was like drinking hot toddies because I think I was like feeling a little under the weather and I was like this will fix it and I was someone I kept getting messages about this tweet and I was like what?

[2574] What's going on?

[2575] What's happening?

[2576] And then I finally saw what happened and I was like well I guess I got to go home so I can tweet something back Go home after you've been drinking The tweet back at the president I'm like three hot toddies in And I'm just like All right What can I say What was your B -Best You said something When you fucking roasted him We actually said it On the podcast Just now No no no We actually When you did it We were howling We said what you said On the podcast He said something about When he I don't remember the exact tweet He sent me But it was like So called comedian Did such a terrible job Oh yeah I bet you'd be on my side if I'd kill the journalist And that was right after the That was during the Khashoggi stuff Or whatever it was The Saudi Yeah the Saudi journalist That had been murdered This is what he said So called comedian Michelle Wolf By the way, best fucking That is like some of the best publicity You could ever get The president says this Bomb so badly last year At the White House Correspondence Center First of all, not true You can go listen to the recordings people were laughing like come on this is so crazy that you say that bomb so belly play it back yeah let's play it back huh what's all that noise there was parts of it where people got kind of quiet but i remember i was like first of all this is for the audience at home but also it's like i it's one of those rooms where you're like yeah this they at best they're it feels fine right you know like it's like a corporate yeah exactly a corporate gig yeah they will have an author instead of a comedian what a great idea good first step and comeback of a dying evening and tradition maybe i will go question mark what imagine that like maybe i'll go what do you think oh please donald i have my new maga hat for that event i love this because i don't know if he wrote this tweet though because the grammar is so perfect that i'm like right the dash in between so and called yeah it just feels like i was like did someone else draft this could be but maybe i will go look at correspondence there's a the correct apostrophe after the yes yeah it feels like i don't know maybe maybe he dictated this one and someone was like i'm going to spell everything right yeah well they've done various things to try to stop him this is 2018 they've done various things to try to slow down his use of Twitter and social media.

[2577] And I do think that there was a time when someone else was handling it.

[2578] Yeah.

[2579] But now I think he just fucking goes guns blaze and pops two Adderalls and a suit of bed and just start fucking thumbing it.

[2580] Hammering up.

[2581] Two Adderals and his suit of it.

[2582] Just gets after it.

[2583] You know?

[2584] It's fucking wild to see.

[2585] I had a dream last night and I forgot about it until we started talking about it that he was battle rapping and that some woman made a rap about him and then he made a rap back at her.

[2586] I had a dream.

[2587] Maybe it's because I knew you were coming in here and we were probably going to talk about it.

[2588] But we're a weird fucking dream.

[2589] And his battle rap was pretty good.

[2590] Yeah.

[2591] And people were like, that is pretty fucking good.

[2592] Like it was a good battle rap.

[2593] He says stuff sometimes where you're like, that's like, that's bars, you know?

[2594] Yes.

[2595] But then there's other times where you're like, then you're like, wait, but he's the president.

[2596] I wish he wasn't the president because sometimes the shit he says it's hilarious.

[2597] When he put a fucking giant Trump tower on Greenland, when they were talking about whether or not he was going to we were going to buy greenland he goes I promise not to do this and he shows greenly with a giant gold Trump tower and he tweeted that the present that's fucking hilarious it's funny and then you're also like oh come on why are you president?

[2598] Like anytime he holds up a graph of any sort I'm just like this is great there's no why access you know like it's always stuff where you're just like this is amazing why are you president yeah I don't I don't know if there's a a better person to represent how crazy today is, though.

[2599] Yeah.

[2600] Like, if you wanted to look at, like, the personificate, yeah, yes, yes, and on that note, Michelle Wolf, thank you very much.

[2601] Your Netflix special will be, by the time people hear this, a little bit out later today, but the actual special will be Tuesday night at midnight, or midnight tonight, midnight, Monday night.

[2602] Midnight, Monday night, yeah.

[2603] Right, so Tuesday, it's out.

[2604] So you can hear this, it's out.

[2605] Most likely it's out.

[2606] Go get it.

[2607] Go get it, bitches.

[2608] Thanks.

[2609] Thank you.

[2610] Thanks for having me. It was fun.

[2611] I loved it.