Sibling Rivalry, Tantrums, “It’s Not Fair,” Unmotivated Teens

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[23] So this is what you want.

[24] You want a happy, confident, purposeful kid and a peaceful home.

[25] It's not too much to ask.

[26] You want a child who uses his natural gifts, talents, and passions in purposeful ways and has healthy relationships throughout his life?

[27] Well, what do you have now?

[28] You have a challenging child who makes everything a power struggle, who isn't motivated, and always does things the hard way, who makes things difficult for himself and your whole family.

[29] He also has big heart, big brains, and big potential, but you're not seeing it now.

[30] So why are you listening to this podcast?

[31] Why do you listen to our programs?

[32] It's because nothing.

[33] you have tried works because consequences really don't work for these kids.

[34] Most therapy doesn't work and you're at your wits and desperate to have a good relationship with your child.

[35] So if that's kind of what you're feeling, if that's what you want where you are right now, good, because I'm going to show you some different ways to handle this strong will child on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[36] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[37] You can find us at CelebrateCallum .com.

[38] If you happen to need anything, you can talk directly to our strong -willed son, Casey, who is just like your child gets it.

[39] It's Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateColm .com.

[40] If you're interested in our resources, you reach out to him.

[41] We will put together a custom package for you within your budget.

[42] You can reach out and ask for advice, and we will get together as a family and discuss it and get back to you with tips and strategies and advice and encouragement for you because that's what we do.

[43] if, by the way, we're starting to schedule now live events again.

[44] We're still doing some Zoom stuff, right, with some companies doing a big one this coming Wednesday for families in this company, but we're doing live stuff.

[45] So if you have a company, a school, PTA, church, synagogue, mosque, foster adoption care, right?

[46] Reach out to Casey at celebrate calm .com and let them know just where you are.

[47] and we'll put together a very, very simple one -page proposal.

[48] He'll do it within hours.

[49] We'll come right to your town.

[50] By the way, we're doing a private event out west in February.

[51] So if you happen to be in Colorado or Wyoming or Montana, say Salt Lake City, we might be able to come and do a live event there because our travel expenses are already paid, so we can do it a lot cheaper.

[52] And then in March, we're already scheduled to be in Atlanta, Georgia.

[53] So anywhere along the southeast, that doesn't matter anywhere you all.

[54] We love traveling.

[55] We love meeting you at live events.

[56] So, here's what we're going to get into today.

[57] I want to ask you to take a radically different approach to your kids that is going to make you uncomfortable.

[58] You're going to resist like your kids do.

[59] And you will continually wrestle with this.

[60] You'll find yourself falling back into the same old patterns of thinking.

[61] You can change your child by lecturing, micromanaging, or trying to fit him into your own mold.

[62] But every time you do, you'll be reminded why the typical approach hasn't worked for the first four years of your child's life or maybe the first 14 years of your child's life.

[63] So I want you to keep coming back to this.

[64] I want you to grit your teeth and I want you to try what I'm going to talk about because it will work over time and the fruit will be in a relationship you actually enjoy and cherish one day, even if the path getting there was fraught with pitfalls and huge obstacles.

[65] And the reason this is so personal is because I almost threw away the relationship with Casey that I cherish.

[66] We talk almost every single day.

[67] He's a young man now, 27, and we talk, we share a lot of the same interests.

[68] We wrestle with big ideas with each other.

[69] We challenge each other.

[70] And I cherish that relationship with Casey and almost blew it.

[71] And I don't want you missing out on that because you follow the traditional path.

[72] So, be ready to be challenged and try what we're going to be talking about.

[73] And don't give up when it gets hard, which is what you accuse your kids of doing, isn't it?

[74] See, I got you.

[75] So, first of all, I want you to reset your expectations.

[76] The majority of this is taken from something called, we call them no BS instruction manual for strong will children because everybody's like, there should be an instruction manual for these children.

[77] And you should have gotten that at the hospital when you had your child or when you adopted your child.

[78] So after working with a million families for 20 years, I finally just said, I'm going to cut right to it and create this no BS instruction manual.

[79] So I call it that because I'm going to tell you exactly what I know and think after working with thousands of these kids right in our home, right?

[80] Including my own son.

[81] And you're not going to like a lot of it.

[82] you don't need to and I don't need you to like it.

[83] I simply ask you to do exactly what I'm advising you to do for say the next three months.

[84] And if it doesn't work, you can go back to what you were doing before.

[85] But if you're truly desperate enough to change, this will work.

[86] And my goal for you is to make progress, right?

[87] You're not going to get to the ideal.

[88] Your strong will child is not going to say, of course, mother and father, I want to do what you want me to do right away.

[89] That's not happening.

[90] But I want you to get somewhere between the ideal and a catastrophe, which is, if you, I hate you, right?

[91] In between there is a good space, and that's progress.

[92] So, you likely come from one of two places.

[93] One, you may be the naturally compliant person who grew up following the rules.

[94] And this is tough for you because when someone asked you to do something, your natural instinct is to just do it.

[95] And you think, why is that so hard?

[96] But your strong -willed child is going to ask you why, right?

[97] And they're going to choose a harder path.

[98] And you'll likely misinterpret most of what your child does as being defiant, rebellious, and difficult.

[99] But I promise that's not what's going on.

[100] Or number two, maybe you were the strong -willed child yourself.

[101] So you and your child can push each other's buttons without even trying.

[102] And you don't want your strong -willed child making the same mistakes that you did right you want to help them avoid that pain so you lecture and control this child and that always makes it worse so i want to take a look in this podcast at your strong -willed child and then after that we'll do in the program we go through 25 specific action steps but i want to set this up for you so 10 truths about your strong -willed child that you're not going to like number one your strong -willed child is never going to do things your way or the way you want them done.

[103] They won't, they won't, they won't, they won't.

[104] It's just the way it is.

[105] They will do things and they will often do what you want them to do just not the way you want them to do it, not the way you would naturally do it.

[106] And you need to get over your control issues, right?

[107] Because your way isn't the only way.

[108] Now, I know your way is more efficient and more effective because like me, you're 54 and you're like, hey, you know what, if you just do it this way, it'd be so much easier.

[109] They don't care about doing it the easy way because they like a challenge and they need to brain stimulated, right?

[110] Your strong will child is not going to be immediately obedient.

[111] By the way, that's a horrible expectation of anyone and it's not rooted in human nature.

[112] They're always going to push back at first.

[113] It's part of who they are.

[114] So please don't project out and label them as defined.

[115] they are looking for space and ownership and we talk a lot about that in our programs about giving them ownership which is space within your boundaries that you set up to do things but do them differently than you would do them but you're accomplishing the same task it's a beautiful thing you've got to give these kids a large box so to speak to live in with very clear expectations and boundaries, but plenty of space to do things differently than you.

[116] Well, shouldn't kids just know how to listen and not take no for and take no for an answer?

[117] Yeah, but your kids don't.

[118] And they haven't in the first 16 years of their life.

[119] You've known them.

[120] So you're looking for some trick that's going to work and I want you to give up on that and just deal with the fact it's reality.

[121] They don't listen to you that well.

[122] And I can teach you on a program how to get them to listen and we do that a lot on the podcast with the ownership but it's not how they're wired number two your strong well child is going to choose the harder path why they just do they're hardwired this way they don't wake up and think i just want to make life hard for everybody around me and myself i love losing everything i own and having people be mad at me they're going to make choices that you think are stupid because you're going to say it would be so much easier if they just did it the right way my way but they have to touch the hot stove their stove touchers it's a necessary part of the learning process to do it the hard way and learn from that number three consequences and punishment simply do not work with these kids and it doesn't motivate them so stop using it as your first response because they simply don't care your my way or the highway tough guy approach won't work either unless you like destroying your relationship right your child may fear you but he won't respect you and it hasn't worked for the first four seven or 16 years of your child's life so look what makes you think that all of a sudden it's going to work the next time it won't now that said and i want to be very clear about this i like appreciate and encourage you to use discipline.

[123] I want tough discipline because boundaries are really good for kids and they need to know that you're in control of yourself primarily, right?

[124] And so I don't, look, if your child's throwing a tantrum, whether they're three or 13, look, my response is like, you can throw a tantrum if you want.

[125] You can do it in public.

[126] I just want you to know I've got two roles in our home.

[127] The first one is that we do everything with excellence.

[128] So if you were going to throw a tantrum because you're upset because I didn't do what you wanted me to do, go for it.

[129] Go for it.

[130] Throw a good tantrum.

[131] Just do it really well.

[132] But just know that the second rule in our home is that your tantrums accomplish nothing.

[133] Never, ever, ever, ever.

[134] Because your mood does not determine my mood.

[135] And your behavior does not change or control my behavior.

[136] I am not responsible for your happiness.

[137] You are.

[138] You have every right to be upset and you've got every right to be bored.

[139] It's not my job to fix it.

[140] My job is just to model things for you.

[141] And you know why?

[142] Because I believe you are capable of overcoming your own boredom.

[143] I believe you are capable of controlling your own emotions.

[144] I believe you're capable of dealing with disappointment because that's what life is about.

[145] Lots of disappointment.

[146] So if you want to problem solve and talk to me like an adult, I'm happy to listen.

[147] But otherwise, if you throw a tantrum, if you demand something of me, call me names, you will simply get the opposite of what you're asking or demanding of me. If you listen to the Discipline that Work CDs, I go through, we have something called the opposites rule.

[148] And I use this with 1 ,500 kids in my home because it was a very quick way of saying opposites, opposites, which means you're not getting what you want, and in fact, you're going to get the opposite of what you want.

[149] So every time you badger me, bug me, talk to me about that, and try to manipulate me, it will be one more week, one more day until you get what you want.

[150] Choice is up to you.

[151] I'm not going to control what you do, because I'm not going to tell you what you have to do, but I will tell you what I'm going to do.

[152] Does that make sense?

[153] look, it's, but here's how I want you to do it.

[154] Short and sweet.

[155] Even a matter of fact, I'm not getting upset.

[156] There's no long lecture.

[157] I like one word, code words.

[158] Opposites.

[159] Look, opposites, right?

[160] And I've explained it before.

[161] So, what works better, though, than all of that is if you give them tools to succeed and show them how to be successful and also challenge your own assumptions.

[162] Look, part of No BS program is letting you know simple facts.

[163] Kids that are three, four, five, six years old, they're not supposed to be productive or efficient.

[164] And you're getting frustrated because, well, I'm sitting down to do schoolwork with my five -year -old and he's not doing his right.

[165] He's five.

[166] He's probably not supposed to be doing homework assignments.

[167] Now, it's fine if you do, just realize you have to give that child tools and let him do assignments while he's moving, quizzing them on vocabulary words while they're jumping on a mini trampoline or while you're playing, catch let them move right but we have all kinds of false expectations because we've got our own agenda right and that's just what happens your child is probably ruining your type a agenda and that's not their issue that's your issue and you're setting yourself and your kids up for for frustration over a false expectation it's just like with middle school kids well my middle school child's not motivated welcome to life there tell me a middle school child really that's motivated.

[168] It's a hibernation phase.

[169] It doesn't mean we don't expect them to do things, but I give them tools to do things.

[170] And I relax a little bit to realize, especially a seventh or eighth grade boy?

[171] What do you think he's going to come home every day and say, mom, I want some extra schoolwork and homework.

[172] I hope you give me some chores because I've got a vision for my life.

[173] They're just trying to get through every day with all the hormonal changes and social media and everything else.

[174] And what they don't need is a parent getting on them every single day about things they're not doing, which drives them far away from you and gives you no influence over them.

[175] Right.

[176] And I'll show you how to motivate them, but just chill a little bit, right?

[177] Adjust your false expectations and control your own anxiety about their future because you're projecting out that four -year -old who can't sit still in circle time or the middle school child who's not like gung -ho about life and school work, right?

[178] Or even the high school student who's not like setting up his ACTs to take and you're projecting into the future thinking, how are they ever going to be successful when you get on them and get on them and get on them?

[179] And what happens?

[180] Does that motivate them?

[181] No. It causes them to shut down.

[182] Number four, your child is going to resist what you want.

[183] It is built into their DNA and it is not a bad thing.

[184] In the long run, it's a really good thing to, want to have ownership of your choices, to want to do things, to have enough confidence to want to choose a different path, even the hard path, and work through it.

[185] Right?

[186] But just know that you have to draw and lead these kids, not push and stand over them or they will keep resisting and pushing back.

[187] Your strong world child, number five, is going to appear self -centered and selfish.

[188] I guarantee that's what you're saying, but it's nothing more than self -preservation from an insecure, immature human being who feels different and is expending all of his emotional energy just trying to hold it together inside, because maybe these kids have a lot of anxiety, right?

[189] So, look, he literally can't look outward because he's so focused inwardly trying to just hold himself together, right?

[190] I've had friends who are recovering alcoholics, and during their addiction time, they were the most selfish people on the planet.

[191] Why?

[192] Because they had to spend all their energy simply holding themselves together so they didn't self -destruct.

[193] But once they got control of that, once they were able to go through AA, go through the therapy, and had control of that and their anxiety and everything else that they were in pain over, they had big hearts.

[194] Your child's not a sociopath.

[195] He's just an overwhelmed kid.

[196] He's a frustrated kid.

[197] See, if you see him that way, you can reach into his heart and change his heart.

[198] Otherwise, you will destroy his spirit and cause him to be really angry.

[199] And that's why a lot of teenagers don't do work for you.

[200] They've shut down, and the only way they know to get back at you is to shut down because it freaks you out.

[201] number six your strong old child this is good an o b s thing your strong old child will likely never do his chores around the house very well if at all and you're going to have to wrestle with this one with your spouse but i believe it is true our son casey and i'm kind of joking with this but it's true i always say at our live events there's casey back there he was virtually useless as a child around the house.

[202] He was.

[203] He didn't do anything.

[204] But outside the home, he was extremely responsible and awesome for other people.

[205] And what we as a couple had to wrestle with was this, huh.

[206] So he's not great at doing stuff for us, but we're raising him to be a responsible adult out on his own.

[207] And when he's out on his own with other adults, he's actually amazing.

[208] And other people tell us that they love Casey.

[209] And he's ultra responsible.

[210] And so we had to reconcile that.

[211] We're Right.

[212] And so he was awful for us.

[213] So certain things, we just change the expectation.

[214] So one thing I always recommend for you to do is instead of just your narrow prescription prescribed list of chores around the house, expand it to doing other things that are adult type jobs, because your kids are often great in the adult world, just not good as kids.

[215] So I have kids who will do, um, they love yard work.

[216] They love shoveling mulch.

[217] They'll dig holes in the backyard.

[218] They'll change the oil.

[219] They'll do all.

[220] They'll cook, right?

[221] But they're not going to do simple things that are easy.

[222] And you just have to make the decision of, here's what we want.

[223] We want a child who's responsible.

[224] So there are lots of different ways to show that.

[225] And rather just sticking to, well, when I was a kid, we just did, well, then you're just old, right?

[226] And you're bitter.

[227] So I'm kind of kidding, but not really stop it.

[228] Right?

[229] I'm trying to, look, I try to be blunt with this, but also make it lighthearted and fun in a way of being able to laugh at yourself, because otherwise you're going to be like, well, when we were a kid, and you're just going to be bitter and you're just going to pick fights with your kid, their whole childhood.

[230] And at the end of the day, you will not have motivated them and you will ruin the relationship.

[231] And that's not what we want, right?

[232] And I know where you're going with this in your head.

[233] Well, if he doesn't learn how to do his chores, he won't be able to keep a job.

[234] That's an absolute lie.

[235] My son is fantastic for always been fantastic for other people, extremely conscientious as a young man. He has a budget.

[236] He sticks to it.

[237] He's highly disciplined.

[238] He works out.

[239] He takes care of himself.

[240] His apartment is spotlessly clean.

[241] When he was a kid, none of that was true.

[242] Right?

[243] And so I want you to keep a friend.

[244] for what they're doing right instead of always picking out everything they're doing wrong, right?

[245] And you're going to be like, look, I'll make this joke because I kind of do this live events.

[246] If you have three kids, you're going to want them to all do the same number of chores.

[247] And they won't because the Strong Will Child is going to pay one sibling to do his chores and he's going to manipulate the other one.

[248] And your appropriate response is, that's good thinking, Strong Will Child, because you've determined that doing chores is boring.

[249] But you're really good at making money.

[250] with that money, you paid your one sibling to do your chores, and that's called delegation.

[251] And it's a mature smart strategy used by entrepreneurs.

[252] And you're going to need that one day because God knows, nobody's going to be able to keep a job because you don't like doing what other people tell you to do.

[253] I'm kidding.

[254] But then you manipulated your other sibling, and that's because you understand human nature and how to push people's buttons, and you understand how to motivate them.

[255] Some people call that influence, right?

[256] Well done.

[257] And yes, you should say that.

[258] And the real problem is the child who allows himself or herself to get manipulated.

[259] That child needs to learn self -respect to be assertive and not get walked on by other people because otherwise, if it's your daughter, she's going to grow up and marry a controlling man, which is what half of you did, right?

[260] So by the way, I'll save you some trouble as well.

[261] OBS thing.

[262] Your strong will toddler will not pick up all of his toys by himself, even if he dumped 40 ,000 Legos on the floor.

[263] He's not.

[264] He's not.

[265] He's not.

[266] He's not.

[267] And you're going to find yourself on the floor grumbling, picking up even more toys than him.

[268] And it's just the way that it goes with these kids.

[269] And no, it doesn't mean they're going to grow up to be lazy and homeless.

[270] Number seven, your strong will child is going to make you really uncomfortable.

[271] And it's going to cause you cause fights with your spouse.

[272] So it's just what's going to happen.

[273] Your strong -willed child, I'll give you a few more.

[274] Won't show his work when doing math problems because it's stupid and I just showed you my work by getting the answer right.

[275] Duh.

[276] And he's correct when he says it.

[277] So let him take it up with his teacher who will mark his grade down and your child doesn't care about grades.

[278] So just let it go or keep fighting over it forever.

[279] Because when your child, does care he will do it and do it the right now do it the right way but right now he just doesn't care your strong will child may do the minimum work necessary just to skate by and i get that so i dare you to say that you know what that's actually really smart because you don't care about grades right now because you know that they don't count because you're only in seventh grade or eighth grade so you're preserving your energy for things you care about but i know that when you do care something, you are persistent and goal -oriented, and you'll get it done.

[280] So that's good thinking, son.

[281] And I dare you to say that.

[282] And then you're going to have to go drink, right?

[283] Because that's hard to do.

[284] But it's going to be very uncomfortable, even though it's true.

[285] And you're going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that your child simply doesn't care about what you care about yet.

[286] And we will get to that in an OBS program.

[287] We're going to get to it later.

[288] But you're going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that all of your lecturing, prodding, bribing, and threatening hasn't changed or motivated your child at all, and instead it simply hurt your relationship and destroyed your trust.

[289] So, a quick note here.

[290] This is cool.

[291] I think you'll find this helpful.

[292] Mom, a mom emails in and had listened to the OBS program and said, I responded, I got the program after responded to an email, I sent about motivating teenage girl.

[293] I'm on step 15 of 25, but yesterday we had an incredible moment.

[294] While driving in the car, I apologize to my 16 -year -old daughter for making school too important.

[295] I apologized for making her performance and grades overly valued.

[296] She is not a good student except in art and music, and even in art, only when she's drawing what she wants.

[297] But as I apologized and told her that I said, see in her compassion, kindness, deep opinions, intelligent thinking, I watched tears form in her eyes.

[298] And her response was like watching a closed fist unfurl.

[299] By the way, that is a beautiful description of your kids, watching a closed fist, waiting for one more lecture, waiting to be told that they don't measure up, waiting to feel like they're stupid because they're not as good as their siblings.

[300] But she said it was like watching a closed fist unfurl or a not yet bloom flower open up.

[301] She told me that it meant so much to her.

[302] And I told her that I believe she is going to be a fantastic adult, which the mom said is true.

[303] And that her school experience has been fairly traumatic, but is in no way a predictor of her future self.

[304] She went on to apologize to me for making life hard sometimes and it was just awesome and mom went on and say she came home to slap together forgive me for her language here a half -ass job of a final project for science which makes me crazy right i'm not saying you're going to have to come to like oh i just love my daughter and everything she does no truth to mom crazy because she just did like kind of a hard for a chop but i told her good job for getting it done and we moved on because what does a cardboard model of your 16 -year -old dream home have to do with life success at all, right?

[305] So your natural response to this mom's email and what I'm saying is, well, but shouldn't my child just, no, just my, I plead with you to cut it out.

[306] This is about you and your anxiety about your child's future.

[307] Focus on controlling and changing yourself instead of your child because it hasn't worked before and it's not going to magically happen now.

[308] So let's dive into another favorite parenting myth.

[309] Well, kids have to learn to push through when things get hard because life is filled with doing things you don't want to do.

[310] And that's true in one sense.

[311] And later on in the program, I'm going to show you how to jumpstart your child's brain to get them to push through.

[312] But there's a flaw in that thinking.

[313] Here is where the reasoning falls apart.

[314] we push through as adults because we have a reason to because we need to support a family because we have a job that our family is depending on maybe it's because we have the internal drive to accomplish something we care about but in childhood we're largely giving our kids things to do that they simply don't care about and that is not really attributable to life success so they're not motivated right we push through when we're motivated but i bet if i spent a few hours with you i could find five things in your life that you don't push through to accomplish whether it's diet exercise giving to others maybe you don't pray enough serve other people maybe uh you don't take on more responsibility at work than you should than you should right why because you don't care enough about it right when i worked in the corporate world I wasn't great at managing the details of the business.

[315] But now that I own Celebrate Calm, I know every single thing going on this business.

[316] Why?

[317] Because I'm motivated because I have ownership.

[318] And your kids aren't going to push through and be motivated until they care about something, right?

[319] Think about it.

[320] Why would you push through if you didn't care about the mission or you saw no reason or purpose in it.

[321] Later on, we'll get to motivating your kids.

[322] Here's one more.

[323] Your Strong World Child is not going to practice his instrument or sports skills.

[324] And you're going to say, but he can be so good and make the varsity team or first chair violin.

[325] If he or she just practice, here's what I want you to know.

[326] They're not going to practice yet.

[327] They just want to play the game or the concert because they don't care enough yet.

[328] And they won't learn to read music.

[329] but they will learn by watching YouTube videos on their own.

[330] So if it's not working, don't pay for expensive lessons.

[331] It's just going to drive you crazy and waste your money.

[332] Don't invest all this money and stuff that they're going to quit after one or two times.

[333] At least make them pay for part of it and then just relax and let them enjoy experimenting on their own because they're really good at learning on their own.

[334] so you're just going to have to get accustomed to being uncomfortable and be willing to toss out all those parenting lies you've told yourself and your child.

[335] By the way, quick note for spouses, one of you is going to be too soft and give in and the other one is going to be too rich and rough.

[336] And that's why you're together because you balance each other out and help each other.

[337] By the way, one quick thing for your marriage.

[338] Ask your spouse's question.

[339] What is one thing you want me to change or begin doing differently.

[340] Just ask them, honey, or a person I haven't talked to that we live together and we're married, but we haven't really had a good talk in years.

[341] What's one thing I could begin doing differently?

[342] And then listen to your spouse and then just begin doing it.

[343] That's all.

[344] Just begin doing it.

[345] Just start there small steps.

[346] Number eight, family life is going to be unfair.

[347] You're going to have to grade on a curve, your strong will child because they're not going to be measure up when they're compared to their siblings and you're going to feel like you're letting them get away with things and sometimes you are because you don't want to murder your child and you just want to get through the day and you know what i mean there were and our times when i look at my son and say hmm you are almost respectful to me so i think i'll engage and you're going to wrestle with it you just are because your kids are often very blunt and direct, and they just say things to you that you would never have thought, and you're going to have to wrestle with it and think, hmm, this is who my child is, and I'll engage on that level.

[348] Now, you always have to have your no -go zone and your boundaries that you stick to.

[349] But I'm just encouraging.

[350] You're going to grade on a curve, right?

[351] Now, the other kids in your home are going to complain that it isn't fair, right?

[352] Also, because this child is going to drive.

[353] drain the energy from everyone else.

[354] And there's nothing you can do about it.

[355] And you can't even out the time, moms.

[356] It's just the way that it is.

[357] So don't try to fight it.

[358] By the way, it is a gift to your more compliant child because you are so busy, disciplining and getting on the strong will child that the other kids get away with stuff.

[359] Right?

[360] It all evens out.

[361] And other kids are going to say, well, it's not fair.

[362] And I want you to take a tough approach.

[363] I do because I don't like giving in.

[364] Well, honey, I'm, now I'm going to apologize for.

[365] your brother and I'm going to apologize.

[366] No, I'm not apologizing because that's what life is.

[367] It's not fair.

[368] So I can talk to their kids and say, look, you want to talk about fairness?

[369] Let's do it.

[370] You know what it isn't fair?

[371] What isn't fair?

[372] It's not fair that you are made in such a way that you have a brain and a constitution that makes it easy for you to get good grades in school, to do your homework quickly, to make friends, to get invited to sleepovers, and you're just generally likable.

[373] You didn't choose that.

[374] It's the way you were born.

[375] But your brother's brain is made in such a way.

[376] He has to work five times harder than you just to sit still all day, memorize information for a test, and do homework.

[377] It's not fair that it's harder for him to connect with kids his own age.

[378] Have you ever noticed how difficult life is for him?

[379] Would you want to walk in his shoes or trade places with him?

[380] I don't think so.

[381] So instead of talking about fairness why don't we talk about gratitude and by the way you better be nice to your brother because one day you're probably going to be working for him when he starts his own business and rolls the world right number nine you're going to have to understand the arc of their lives strong will kids feel like they're streaming upstream and childhood just doesn't suit them and you've said before if we can just get this child to adulthood he's going to be fine strong will kids face adversity from the time they begin preschool until they time they right until all through school it just doesn't let up and navigating childhood just doesn't come easy for them so watch it's almost like to get most of their difficulties out of the way as kids now here's the beneficial part by the time they're 26 they're so accustomed to adversity they can handle real life where's your compliant child will we wilt like a flower after they get fired from their first job.

[382] But the strong wheel child is going to be like, I've had everybody against me since birth.

[383] Bring it.

[384] And please notice as well, this adversity forces them to create different coping mechanisms and workarounds that often give them a competitive, competitive advantage later in life.

[385] They learn street smarts, right?

[386] It's almost like the kids from rough backgrounds.

[387] They learn street smarts.

[388] Your strong world child number 10 is, not going to progress on your timeline according to artificial societal standards you cannot must not compare to them to siblings or peers unless you want them to develop a lot of anger and basically reinvent cane and able right many of them are late bloomers so they may need a gap year or two before going to college or figure out the life plan be patient don't force it right if i were you i would beg them to go to community college for the first two years right who needs a prestigious bumper sticker says, my daughter saved me $50 ,000 going to community college and we took a trip around the world after COVID was done, right?

[389] Seriously, there isn't a right college for your child most of the time.

[390] It's better if they take it slowly, get a success first before transferring to a better college.

[391] Now, that doesn't mean some of your kids are going to be ready for college.

[392] Some of them aren't, but they're not going to progress on your timeline.

[393] I hope this makes sense.

[394] I know that was a little bit long, but I think it's worth it.

[395] So if we can help you, go right to celebrate calm .com.

[396] If you want that no BS instruction manual, it is on sale this week.

[397] We've discounted from $299 to $99.

[398] We shaved off, what's that?

[399] Like 67 % why?

[400] Look, that is a lifetime of wisdom right there.

[401] It's 25 action steps for 99 bucks.

[402] So if you've got a stimulus check, or if you're getting tax refund back, or if you just want to make that investment instead of spending, spending a lot more on therapy.

[403] We can walk you through this.

[404] And if we can help you with anything else, reach out to Casey at Celebrate Calm.

[405] I think we probably still have the New Year's sale on, which includes a ton of programs for not much more than that.

[406] I think we'll probably just keep it up on the website for those that want everything we have.

[407] So if we can help you, let us know.

[408] And hopefully, we'll see you live and in person if you schedule a live event.

[409] Thank you for listening.

[410] Please let others know about the Calm Parenting Podcast and let us know how we can serve your family.

[411] Love you all.

[412] Bye.