Proper Expectations: Why Kids Do Things on Their Own Terms

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[22] So let's say you have a couple kids, say in this case, two daughters.

[23] And one of the daughters, maybe the strong -willed one, says something mean to her.

[24] sister.

[25] If you're a normal parent, you are going to walk in and say, young lady, you need to apologize to your sister right now.

[26] And I can almost guarantee you with 100 % certainty that that little girl's going to say, no. And you're going to respond, if you don't apologize right now, I'm going to take away everything you own.

[27] To which your strong little child is going to reply, fine.

[28] Sorry, stupid sister.

[29] Right?

[30] That's what you get when you try to conform, force compliance, force an apology, force anything on the strong will child.

[31] And especially if you say right now, it guarantees they're going to push back every time.

[32] So I want to show you a different way to handle this.

[33] And in this podcast, there's going to be a lot of good insight into how the strong will child thinks and what motivates them.

[34] Because I think part of our, I don't I want to say problem, but I'll say it.

[35] Part of our problem is parents, part of the difficulty is that we're assuming that our kids are motivated by the same things that motivate us.

[36] That alone is a huge insight because what motivates us is, well, good behavior, good grades, raise a responsible citizen, all those things and your kids don't care about those things right now.

[37] And you have to get inside the heart and head of a strong -willed child or any child to understand what makes them tick.

[38] So that's what we're going to address today on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[39] So welcome.

[40] This is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

[41] You can find us at celebrate calm .com.

[42] All of our resources are there.

[43] The most popular one is just get the everything package because it's 35 hours worth of very, very practical strategies.

[44] But the most important thing to me is not the strategies.

[45] It's understanding your kids and why they do what they do.

[46] right so if you need any help reach out to our strong will child who understands yours because he was one and he still is one k c c a s e white celebrate calm dot com so back to this scene you're being a good parent you're demanding hey you need to apologize right now and then you get the whole fine sorry stupid sister now some of you give a little checkmark and you're like oh pretty close to an apology for our daughter I think we'll accept it.

[47] And I make this joke sometimes in live workshops that sometimes you have to grade on a curve with the Strong Will Child because they're not always going to do things the way that you want them done.

[48] But let's go back to this situation.

[49] I'll show you a different way to handle it.

[50] And more importantly than the way to handle it is why it works and what we're looking for.

[51] So imagine instead that I don't react.

[52] I don't get upset because I realize that sibling fights have gone on since the beginning of time.

[53] And so instead, I walk into the living room and I kind of whisper or talk silently quietly into my daughter's ear and say, hey, honey, I know that when you're ready, you know the right thing to do.

[54] And then I walk away and drink.

[55] I'm kidding.

[56] I'm not going to drink.

[57] But I walk away because I want to give my daughter some space.

[58] So let's break this down.

[59] when I walked into that room I was confident I'm not freaking out because my kids are fighting and what happens and what if what if look a little side note it is why I do not really participate at all in social media we have our own Facebook page right I get on that but I don't participate a lot I don't watch the regular news because I don't like all the fear and anxiety it creates them well what if this happens what if that happens I'm 55.

[60] Here's what I've realized throughout my life.

[61] Most of the what -ifs never happen.

[62] And even if they do, they don't happen in the way that you imagined.

[63] And so either way, I'm not talking about not planning.

[64] I'm a control freak.

[65] I like to plan.

[66] But I don't like it spinning all the time.

[67] And we spin with our, well, what if our daughters does apologize?

[68] What does that mean?

[69] Does that mean she's a sociopath?

[70] And what's going to happen later in life?

[71] Who's going to marry her?

[72] And who's going to hire her?

[73] What's going to happen to her?

[74] And we spin and spin in all of this anxiety.

[75] makes everything worse and it creates pressure on your kids and you have lecturing too much and they shut down, it ruins your relationship.

[76] So when I walk in the room and said, hey, honey, I know that when you're ready, you know the right thing to do.

[77] And then I remove myself.

[78] Here's what I'm doing.

[79] Let's break it down.

[80] Number one, that phrase, hey, when you're ready, I love that phrase.

[81] Never ever, ever use it like this.

[82] Hey, son, when you're ready, go upstairs and get your shoes on.

[83] We need to go.

[84] You're never going to go anywhere.

[85] But in an emotional power struggle situation.

[86] When I say when you're ready, think of this, it almost like releases them to do what you want them to do, but it was in their timeline.

[87] They had a certain amount of ownership, a certain amount of control over it.

[88] I like the word ownership.

[89] I like giving kids ownership over their choices within my boundaries.

[90] I'm not giving them control of my home or my classroom, but within my clear boundaries, within my clear expectations.

[91] I give them some ownership and so when I say hey there's in that example I always use of de -escalating going in and say young man you need to calm down right now almost always escalates things hey son I can tell you're frustrated when you're ready if you want to come outside and play catch if you want to come inside if you want to come in the living room and play with Legos with me love to help you out with whatever you're struggling with that phrase when you are ready to a child who is in the middle of a power struggle who is upset and who is frustrated and who doesn't know what to do in the moment, when you come in and demand right now, it causes them to freeze or it causes them to resist even more and say, no. And if I'm being honest, I would say that's not the child's issue.

[92] That's your issue for creating that power struggle in that moment because you got freaked out, we need to discipline promptly.

[93] Well, sure, but it doesn't mean right away.

[94] it doesn't mean ASAP in the moment while you're upset and everybody's still frazzled.

[95] I want to, I want some space to calm down a little bit.

[96] So I want you to be confident in that, relax a little bit, so that you can take a more measured approach.

[97] Hey, when you're ready, I know you know the right thing to do.

[98] Look, that's imparting confidence.

[99] Your kids know in that moment what you need them to do.

[100] The long lecture about how it's important to apologize and we need to show contrition.

[101] and when you're good, it doesn't matter.

[102] They already know I did something wrong and I need to apologize.

[103] Now, the main way they're going to know isn't because you've lectured them.

[104] This is hugely important too.

[105] It's because you've modeled it for them.

[106] When you have done something wrong or messed up or gossiped about someone at church or said something disrespectful or bad about someone else or didn't let someone cut in front of you when you should have or whatever it is, you apologized for that.

[107] If your kids hear you modeling humility, they will grow up and they will eventually follow you in that, and they will repeat that.

[108] So don't freak out so much.

[109] So when I say, hey, honey, I know that when you're ready, you know the right thing to do.

[110] There's an assumed close thing there.

[111] There's that part of it is of, I'm imparting confidence of you're a smart kid, you're a good kid.

[112] I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this.

[113] I know you know the right thing to do.

[114] And then I remove myself because I want to give strong will kids space in the moment to own their moods, their behaviors, to wrestle with things.

[115] Right?

[116] And this is why it's so important.

[117] Write this word down if you want.

[118] It's expectations.

[119] Our kids, see if this isn't true.

[120] Our kids resist having expectations put on them.

[121] They don't like that extra.

[122] expectation.

[123] So you standing over them saying, I am not going to leave until I get an apology.

[124] Guess what?

[125] You're not going to get one for days, perhaps.

[126] They don't want that expectation on them.

[127] They don't want someone standing over them, watching how they did it, because you know what they know, they're not going to apologize in the right way or quickly enough.

[128] And then you're going to lecture about that.

[129] It is why we don't use overt praise.

[130] I don't do that.

[131] Oh, honey, you made such a good choice you did such a good job it sounds fake for one it sounds a little condescending and it creates this expectation that they'll always make a good choice and the reason your kids is like no it wasn't i didn't do a great job is they don't want that expectation it's too much for them to carry and that's a really important thing to know when dealing with a strong -willed child that's why when I praise, it's low -key matter.

[132] Hey, good job.

[133] Saw how you handled that with your sister.

[134] Shows me you're growing up.

[135] Hey, you know what?

[136] It was a really good choice.

[137] Proud of you.

[138] Fist bump.

[139] And then I'm out of there.

[140] I plan a lot of little seeds, but I'm not hanging out there, making a big deal out of it.

[141] I'm letting him know.

[142] I saw that.

[143] I'm impressed.

[144] Well done.

[145] I'm out of here.

[146] Here's the other thing.

[147] So here's what's going to happen.

[148] Your daughter, the one daughter, is not going to apologize right away, not even for a few hours.

[149] So you're going to be lying in bed at night talking to your spouse or yourself, right?

[150] Or God's saying, are we raising a sociopath?

[151] What's going on here?

[152] Why can't she just apologize?

[153] But tomorrow morning, after you didn't sleep, although she slept just fine, she will get up and that little girl or older girl will do something thoughtful for her sister as an active contrition.

[154] And your appropriate response is to go up and give a hug, a fist bump, whatever.

[155] fist bump probably better and say hey saw how you handled that shows me you're really growing up fist bump that's all now here's what you're going to struggle with as well she's not going to use the words i'm sorry and that's going to bother a lot of you because you're like well when you apologize you have to use the words i'm sorry why why what we're after is a changed heart actual contrition and this daughter put into action the fact that she was sorry about saying something mean and then she actually took action and did something nice for her sister.

[156] She just doesn't want to say the words.

[157] Why?

[158] Because our kids don't want to do things the way everybody else does things.

[159] They're not joiners.

[160] Look, she doesn't want to apologize right now because her mommy or daddy.

[161] Or to be honest, if you're a religion, just because God wants them to.

[162] They want to do it because they know it's the right thing to do and they're ready to do it.

[163] And we get all freaked out about, well, she just wants to do things on our own terms.

[164] So do you and so do I and so does everybody else, right?

[165] Let's stop putting that on the strong -willed child.

[166] Why don't we spend a couple weeks getting on the compliant child who's too much of a people -pleaser and won't take any risks or chances and does things just so you're happy with him, not always out of a good heart?

[167] that's equally as true at times right there are times that the good child the good person those of you who are good out there your hearts can be nasty but you cover it up because you know how to behave the right way your strong will child just puts all out there i don't feel like apologizing too my stupid sister right now i can't believe that you would feel that way and say that why that's what she's really thinking right now But at the end of the day, well, actually not the end of the day, because she didn't do it by midnight, but the next morning, she showed you by being contrite, by doing something thought for.

[168] she just didn't do it the way you want it done and if you have a strong will child you're going to have to own that for the rest of their lives they're not going to do it your way and that's a good thing they have many of these kids are just i'm not doing it they have big hearts but if you're standing over them and hovering and put all these expectations look i'm just going to be honest be honest about and really look into some of the expectations you have put on your children Look, I pick on my religious friends a lot because I come from that background and I know what it's like.

[169] Many of my religious friends, you have so many hang -ups over things that sometimes have nothing to do with morality.

[170] And it all about some belief system that you've had that was drilled into you as a kid and you've never really challenged it.

[171] And now you're putting it on your kids.

[172] And it even, for many of you, it's suffocated and crushed you.

[173] right and it actually drove you away from your faith right and now you're doing the same thing to your kids at times and it's just arbitrary we do arbitrary things all the time because well that's just the way that i was raised and it's the way i've always thought well start to question it is anything wrong with questioning it right because you're putting these expectations on your kids that sometimes i will dare to say god doesn't even put on on your kids but you are because that's that's the way you were raised.

[174] So challenge that.

[175] And again, I'm going to keep mentioning this.

[176] Look, I'm asking you, I'm doing this podcast.

[177] I want to help you.

[178] Look, there are some people like, oh, you mentioned religion.

[179] Well, my honest answer is just grow up with that.

[180] I'm not asking you to believe what I believe.

[181] I don't even share what I believe because I don't want pushback from everybody.

[182] Those of you who don't like me mentioning will probably would probably find that I'm probably closer to you in many sentiments than I am to other people on that side that you right so look we're grownups now I don't want to be this whole silence thing well he mentioned that look I if if on this particular platform I were allowed to swear I would swear but I don't swear all the time you know why because that bothers people and I don't want to but I'm asking you to listen and not tune out just because you don't like my delivery or because I mention this, I sometimes bring up religious stuff because more than half of my audience and any audience has some kind of religious background and so it's relevant.

[183] So I hope that makes sense.

[184] And most of the time when I bring up religion it's to hammer us to actually get to the basics and do the right stuff right.

[185] So, love you all.

[186] If we can help you in any way, let us know.

[187] We want you to understand your kids so you can actually enjoy them again.

[188] Take advantage of our sale.

[189] Take advantage of the resources on the website.

[190] Reach out to Casey.

[191] He will help you with all this.

[192] And if we can help you in any way, please let us know.

[193] Talk to you soon.

[194] Bye -bye.