The Rise, The Fall & The Rebuild Of True Geordie

[0] I feel like I'm struggling to breathe.

[1] It blew my fucking mind.

[2] I don't know who's dick I've got to suck to get fucking respect round here.

[3] True Jordy went through incredible adversity to get to where he is today.

[4] Depression, anxiety.

[5] And he's one of the few people that's willing to tell you about it.

[6] My ego was just going fucking crazy.

[7] I'm the man. All the worst parts of me amplified.

[8] It was better than a drug.

[9] It was better than anything.

[10] It was like, wow.

[11] I would have carried on doing that probably if I hadn't have had a moment of like, Boom.

[12] It just felt like everything I'd been building to had been, like, really, like, fucked up.

[13] I know I needed humbled, but it was brutal.

[14] I literally wanted to kill myself, like, you know, I really, really did.

[15] When you love someone more than anything else in this world, that matters more than anything.

[16] And where others would have capitalized on a sob story, she was far too precious for me to share.

[17] She was mine.

[18] She wasn't there for anyone else was just my man And I miss her every fucking day, bro But once you give it, there's no taking it back The day I don't need money anymore That's going to be a scary day for the rest of the internet I don't want to let the fans down And I don't want to stop doing what they love me for But True Jordy, Brian He's one of the real pioneers in the YouTube space He runs one of the biggest football shows The biggest podcast, the biggest boxing shows and much, much more.

[19] But he is at heart, not the guy you see on screen.

[20] He is a gentle giant, one born in a council estate, who went through incredible adversity to get to where he is today.

[21] Billions of views.

[22] His conversations seem to sway cultural conversation, but he's still not getting what he deserves, in his opinion, and in mine.

[23] When you see True Jordy, what you see is this big six -foot -five guy with tattoos and huge muscles, but when you peel the layers back, you find the total opposite.

[24] You find a small kid in there, one that's still living in the council estate in his mind, and one that's missing his mother after her tragic death a few years ago.

[25] He's been to rock bottom.

[26] Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation.

[27] And he's one of the few people that's willing to tell you about it and tell you about it with full honesty and vulnerability.

[28] I've known Brian a long time, and I've been so fascinated by him because he appears to be this contradiction.

[29] He appears to be someone that does not give A -F.

[30] But at the same time, he's incredibly, incredibly sensitive.

[31] To me, he's the ultimate reminder that we are all a contradiction and that you should never judge a book by its cover.

[32] What you're going to hear today is some stories that Brian has never told.

[33] Stories that will move you, some that might move you to tears, but also stories that will inspire you and teach you some important life lessons about what it really is to be a human being, scars and all.

[34] Without further ado, I'm Stephen Bartlett, and this is the dire of a CEO.

[35] I hope nobody's listening.

[36] But if you are, then please keep this to yourself.

[37] How would you define and describe the rise of True Jordy?

[38] And when I say that, I'm talking about, take me back the early days.

[39] Okay.

[40] The stuff that made you who you are today.

[41] I'm an opportunistic person.

[42] When I see a tiny little thing, I'd just blow it open straight away.

[43] So the first thing that happened to me was I made a random rant about a footballer that went viral, didn't really do YouTube at all, just boom.

[44] And then loads of people seeing it in the Northeast.

[45] It was like this crazy son of a bitch because no one really did stuff like that then.

[46] I was one of the first guys to do a football rant.

[47] I want to go back further.

[48] What really?

[49] Farther in how?

[50] I want to know that the insecure kid on the council estate.

[51] Oh, right, okay.

[52] Kind of sensitive inside, but had to act sort of tough because if you didn't, you would be fucked up.

[53] Like, you know, on the estate, like my shed once got burned down, like set on fire, just by some kids, just because it was a shed and it was there.

[54] You know, like you had to carry yourself in a certain way, because all of our dads were in prison, all of our dads.

[55] Like, it was, like, weird, you know what I mean?

[56] So we were sort of raising each other.

[57] And, like, I was, like, a milk kid at school just because I could, like, drink extra milk in that, like, dinner time and stuff.

[58] And I was smart, obviously, I'm a smart guy, but, like, I was looked upon as, like, a nightmare.

[59] Like, when I was 10 years old, my teacher told my mother at parents evening, she went, you can just tell when some of them are dead, for prison, can't you?

[60] But, like, she worded it like that, you know what I mean?

[61] And my mom's like, I know exactly what you're saying.

[62] But, like, it was because I hated her.

[63] She didn't understand me, get me. She talked down to me. So being talked down to, that really pisses me off, even at a 10 -year -old age.

[64] Like, I didn't like that.

[65] You can win me over and I'll be brilliant for you.

[66] But just respect this.

[67] Ask me. Don't tell me. You know, like, even, and I know that's, like, a naive way to look at the world.

[68] But I was 10 and I just had a chip on my shoulder.

[69] and um yeah didn't like authority um but i always was quite like a little bit competitive uh i remember like there was a couple of kids like just little random memories i have of like i was fighting all the time but like i remember i always thought of myself as one of the smarter lads and there was this thing about like some sort of school day where they selected like the brightest boys and the brightest girls and i wasn't selected no i'm thinking I'm smarter than them, you know, like, but I couldn't prove it or whatever, I don't know, it was, I was in detention a lot, I got thrown out of school multiple times, ones for pissing on the, uh, the schoolteacher's lounge window and telling them all the fuck off when I was eight years old, one for fighting, uh, just, just white, like, rebellious, you know, but like, but with a brain and I just needed to like find something there.

[70] caused you to be that rebellious eight -year -old kid?

[71] I think it's genetic a little bit.

[72] My dad was a rebellious man, very much so.

[73] My mom, not at all.

[74] My mom, loving, care, and kind, Mother Teresa.

[75] My dad, uh, like a punk rocker who wanted, like, he, like, he did mad shit when he was at school, like, took the whole school on strike once just because he didn't like a teacher and, like, he was known for, like, he was thrown out of schools for, like, beating teachers up and stuff like that.

[76] Because when he was, like, 14, violence was his life, you know what I mean?

[77] Do you actually think it's just.

[78] genetic?

[79] I think that yeah I think part of what makes me aggressive is my genetic yeah because even the look I get on my face when I'm about to fight is identical to the look my dad gets like it's that that switch you know what I mean so I'm lucky that I've got it diluted with the kindness of my mother and I finally managed to channel the aggression into later on in life into like focus into dry into the good stuff, you know what I mean?

[80] But at the time, I didn't, I was overwhelmed with whatever the fuck was going on in my head.

[81] I didn't really know what the hell it was.

[82] I had Joe Wicks sat here, you know, the body coach guy.

[83] And he told me about his mum and his dad.

[84] And his mom was very, very caring and compassionate.

[85] And his dad would punch holes in the door every day and, you know, was violent and abusive.

[86] And Joe Wicks has come out as really, really compassionate and kind.

[87] I don't know if you know him personally.

[88] Even, you know, during the lockdown, people saw him doing P with Joe and dancing and doing P in his room and stuff.

[89] Was that the guy who went popular for the P .E. stuff?

[90] Yeah.

[91] But he was crying.

[92] He was deeply upset that there was a lockdown because it would hurt other people.

[93] One of the most compassionate people I've ever met, and his dad was, from his account, very, very aggressive.

[94] So I've always wondered about these generational cycles, whether it's, you know...

[95] I think it's different for different people.

[96] personally I believe that there's a cocktail in me that's a real weird mixture of a self -obsessed arrogant showman who was my dad bodybuilder hard man went to prison fighter and then a woman who worked like looking after people very caring compassionate loving charitable generous you know all the good things and I'm not saying my dad can't be good in any way but it was just who were very polar opposite people and for me I see that come out in me and there's and there's they i believe in both genetic and uh like the sociology side of it as well even any brothers or sisters i've got a half sister from my dad's side yeah do you think it makes a difference being an only child of sorts uh yeah yeah definitely me and lawrence have had a few conversations about this he's an only child too um and i think it does make you just live in your own head a little bit you know and it makes you like i have times where if i spend too much time around people.

[97] I'm like, I need a fucking break from this.

[98] Like, I want to be on my own and just listen to music for a bit.

[99] I heard you say this thing.

[100] I heard you say that people who live in their own heads and think the most, a struggle the most?

[101] They're the ones who are most susceptible.

[102] It's depression, I would say, yeah.

[103] So take me through the rise.

[104] So we, I know everyone, it's well documented how you became to be a YouTuber.

[105] Yeah, apologies.

[106] I'm just used to rehearsing.

[107] Yeah, I know, yeah.

[108] And I don't.

[109] You're the same.

[110] You tell the story a lot that just rolls off the tongue in it.

[111] It loses its emotion.

[112] because I've said it that many times.

[113] So you rose as a YouTube.

[114] I want to get to the point where money starts coming in.

[115] Because for me, 23, 24 years old, when money started coming in, I was going to every nightclub on the weekend and getting five bottles of Don Perry on, and I was trying to fill some kind of gap in me. And from what I saw in your videos, you did a similar path.

[116] I'd had a bit of money before YouTube because I was working offshore on the oil rigs doing my deep sea diving.

[117] So that was good money.

[118] I was earning about 10 ,000, a month doing that.

[119] And that was a bit of a while lifestyle because I was young, I was working class, I was surrounded by men who were military men who wanted to go out, beat men up and fuck women and take drugs and get drunk, you know?

[120] So I was surrounded, they were my male role models, you know, so it was a crazy lifestyle that.

[121] So that was kind of partly me getting raised by these fucking men around me. And then obviously, when I found YouTube, it was like a rebirth of like oh um like i went in it's a long story but i went into a bit of depression coming out of diving and not knowing what the fuck i wanted to do with my life because i didn't know like i knew i didn't want to be a diver anymore i knew i was done with that and when i found youtube it felt like a little uh window of hope and then obviously that took off and once i uh once i started getting money yeah it was like okay I made it because I basically gave up my money.

[122] I chose YouTube as a path to happiness.

[123] That was the idea was give up the money, forget that, you're not happy doing that job.

[124] I'd rather make minimum wage doing videos than make six figures doing diving.

[125] So I went on that path and then they dawned on me, oh, I'm going to make more money doing this actually.

[126] Once I was in the thousands a month, it was a bit of a, oh, fuck, like, okay, how do I handle this and I thought I had a good handle on it like it was little stuff at first new car move house better place and all that and then once I came to London that was when it really went tits up to be honest with you I just started spending money like crazy I bought three new cars in the space of about 18 months not altogether one after the other sort of thing but like I was able to get things that I never dream possible and that was moment of like oh i can have this like my favorite car ever wow uh bought an audi rate first that went fast nice nice blue audio r8 beautiful then i swapped that for a mcclaren uh which they had the convertible the roof come down i thought i was the dog's bollocks and that especially a guy like me like what the fuck am i doing in a mcclaren you know it looked ridiculous because i'm so huge And then I swapped that for a Bentley, GT, 6 -litre, the Continental.

[127] White leather interior.

[128] Gorgeous.

[129] All black, wheels, black, everything.

[130] Black and white.

[131] There's this bit you talked about when you leave diving and you kind of lose your orientation.

[132] And that gives you minor depression, which seems to be so common in people when they lose their purpose.

[133] And, I mean, I had Tom Bloomfield sat here as well.

[134] It was very similar.

[135] they lose their sense of purpose in life, their direction.

[136] They feel that disorientation.

[137] They feel the depression.

[138] Then you went after something that you thought would give you like intrinsic internal joy.

[139] And then it becomes a career.

[140] And I read this study, which I found fascinating, that in psychology, if they give someone a game that they enjoy and they play it, they enjoy it, da -da -da -da.

[141] And then if they then give them the same game and pay them to do it, they lose joy.

[142] So when you start paying someone to do something that they once did, for the sheer fun of it, they lose the fulfillment they're getting from it.

[143] I've seen it in boxing and stuff like that a lot.

[144] Like the passion goes once it becomes monetary and obligatory, you have to do it.

[145] It's not, I'm getting up and doing this passion now.

[146] But I have never lost a passion for video making.

[147] That's still there.

[148] I love it.

[149] But, yeah, I lost my way, like this whole thing of doing something for the right reasons.

[150] because I'd never experienced that kind of money before I remember like driving that Audi the first one the Audi R8 when I drove that off the parking lot that was a moment of like what the fuck like it just blew me mind you know what I mean the fact that I was able to drive a car worth it was worth a hundred thousand pound and I paid for it in cash you didn't really boom yeah I was like and I remember just driving it and it was honestly I don't regret it because even though it was a complete waste of fucking money and I wasted even more money swapping it for the other two cars it was a real healthy lesson to learn and get out my system but it was like a drug you know it was it was better than a drug it was better than anything it was like wow this like for me I don't know what it is about fast cars and they look nice and the way you feel you feel you feel when you're in, just makes you feel like a fucking movie star or something, you know, um, especially coming from a place where people set fire to your shed because there was a shed, you know, like nobody had a nice car where I came from, you know, it wasn't, people didn't even have like a Mercedes or a BMW, let alone a supercar.

[151] So that was mind -blown, you know what I mean?

[152] And they just, it was too much for us, just was.

[153] And a lot, my ego was just going, fuck, crazy you know what I mean like I'm the man you know all the worst parts of me just amplified there must be a reason why you got you traded it in so many times though I was addicted to that feeling the new the new shit that that was the oh but but what if oh and then I seen the McLaren I remember driving it into the fucking this super car place I looked at the McLaren I look back at me already I was like I don't really and then I just kept looking at McCown going it's new that's the new shit the new heart darkness and it's ridiculous just absolutely idiotic never ends yeah I would have carried on I would have carried on doing that probably if I hadn't have had a moment of like that boom you know what I mean what are you doing me you know health health life's good at that give you a good slap around the head when you need it and I really needed it you know I mean because everything that a man does when he's from nothing like all these rappers you know I was doing the same thing like spunk money up the wall buy pointless jewelry clothes bullshit like that treating people the wrong way treating myself the wrong way not looking after myself i piled away on i think i just skipped like the good years to elvis at the end do you know what i mean like i just went full throttle so yeah you said boom oh yeah yeah so i had a bit of a moment where everything was just you know came crashing down there was um a lot of people know there was the dms but also in the same same week, there was the loss of a huge deal, which, for anybody that doesn't know, the DMs, somebody leaked some DMs.

[154] Yeah, I had sexual DMs that were out there.

[155] And me being the crazy wild bastard that I was at that moment, you know, drinking a lot, just doing all sort of, just fucking lost my way.

[156] And then in the same week, I also had a deal that was on the table that was pretty much negotiated, done, science, he'll delivered, which would have secured my financial future for the next two years with a huge company, big betting company, multi -million pound deal.

[157] It wasn't just one.

[158] You know what I mean?

[159] It was the deal.

[160] And they had hired a new guy who thought he knew better than the last guy.

[161] And he, I think he just, like, didn't like me. He also, I think it was partly, like, you don't want to carry on the work of the guy who used to have your job.

[162] So he was trying to find any reason he could to, you know, fuck it up.

[163] And, you know, he did what he did.

[164] We got to a point where I was like, are you going to do the deal or not, mate?

[165] Like, and there was, I can't go out to specifics because I agreed to, like, keep it, you know, respectful, like, but there were some things asked of me, which were just outrageous.

[166] And we couldn't move on, basically.

[167] And I'm very glad, I didn't because otherwise everything I now have might it might not have ended up that way do you know what I mean when you're put in a position where do you want to do you want to keep your ownership of things or not you know what I mean so but yeah that was a devastating blow and then obviously having people laughing at you for sexual DMs and stuff when you know it was I was drunk as fuck at the time and it was just a stupid moment but regardless you know knowing that there's just such a little compassion out there for you when you're having an awful time.

[168] It really, it took me, I got from as high as I was, it took as as as low as possible in that moment of like, no one cares, everything you've worked hard for, you now don't have.

[169] I'd literally agree to tenancy agreement on my flat for two years on the basis that this was all going to be saying.

[170] So I'm like, how the, what the fuck do I do now?

[171] You know what I mean?

[172] And then I was hit with a tax bill That was way more than I could handle as well Because in my head it's like got the cash come in And got the tax bill paid off and don't worry about it So everything that could go wrong went wrong And you know I know I needed humbled But it was brutal That was and I know it might sound To some people like out there like Oh Oh poor pitiful you know white boy problems and shit like that but it i literally wanted to kill myself like you know i really really did because it it was just too much even for me like and i'm a pretty tough person it was just it was awful like the level of abuse and ridicule i got online and and the financial mess i was in it just felt like everything i'd been building to had been like really like fucked up and uh yeah it was even just talking about and i was hard to say.

[173] Do you know what I mean?

[174] Because it was bad.

[175] It was awful.

[176] So that left me in a really, really low place.

[177] The people online would have had no idea because I remember watching that play out from afar.

[178] And it was just online.

[179] It was just kind of jokes.

[180] Well, what you have to remember is they didn't know I'd lost a multi -million pound deal that week.

[181] They didn't know I had a six -figure tax bill to pay.

[182] Yes.

[183] So that's happening behind the scenes.

[184] And that happened before the DMs.

[185] So then the DMs happened as well.

[186] The icing on the cake was the DMs.

[187] Right.

[188] If it was just one or the other, you could say maybe, but when you're financially fucked and you're also trending on Twitter being called, I'm not even going to say the words, but the things people say about gay people that are to hurt them, the things people, you know, you should go and do this, you should, you know, and people love to kick people on the way down, but what they especially love, and this is the difference is, if you're a vulnerable person publicly, you're seeing to be, I don't know, let's say you're seeing to be in some sort of subculture that people view in a way that's like, oh, poor them, I hope they're all right.

[189] I'm a big, strong alpha male.

[190] I look tough.

[191] I look like I can handle all the ridicule in the world.

[192] I'm brash cocky.

[193] You're like, you know, so they, people probably didn't think, you And also when you're a man, you don't get sympathy the way women get sympathy when they go through revenge, porn or anything like that.

[194] It's not looked upon the same.

[195] And I just had to sort of think about it and take and go, yeah, this isn't fair, but life isn't fair.

[196] So what the fuck do you expect, Brian?

[197] Like, you know, so I drank a lot of whiskey and smoked a lot of weed that week, if I'm honest with you.

[198] Do you know what's so funny?

[199] I remember seeing it trending.

[200] And I thought, I'll go on his, Brian's account and see what he said about it.

[201] Yeah, yeah.

[202] nothing silence yeah yeah and that for me was really surprising oh yeah yeah i think a lot of people thought that actually but i even in the chaos i act quite cerebrally i'm a i'm i'm i'm i can be quite reptilian what i need to be to get myself out of a you see in diving for example in the moment of panic in that moment of like i could fucking die here i've been in those situations if i don't act smart.

[203] I'm in a shit situation, yeah.

[204] I've got to pull my knife out, cut this rope, I'm used to thinking, like, in that way, in it.

[205] So I just thought, I'm going to, I'm just going to say nothing.

[206] I might have a night to think about this.

[207] Just think about how we're, I felt awful, don't get it was wrong, but I knew I wasn't going to give up.

[208] But even though I wanted to kill myself, I also thought that weirdly, I think all the shit sort of, it gave me something to resist.

[209] Do you know what I mean?

[210] Because I'm a fighter in my heart.

[211] So I was like, nah, fuck you.

[212] So within a day, I was like, okay, this is how we're going to do this.

[213] I'm going to get the two best piss take, as I know, and I'm going to get them to rip the piss out of me, make everyone feel like it's over and done with now.

[214] Because the minute you acknowledge it, laugh it off, and show that you're not frightened, people will get bored and move on to something else, and they'll scratch the itch of saying, because what they really want me to do is self -destruct.

[215] but if I show I'm brave, they'll respect that and then move on.

[216] What they don't realize is I was pretty fucking drunk during that whole episode.

[217] Really?

[218] Like I was, we were recording 11am.

[219] I was on the whiskey.

[220] Like, I had like, fucking two massive glasses full of whiskey straight.

[221] And then I was like, right, let's do this.

[222] And like, because I knew they were going to be brutal, but I said you have to be.

[223] You have to just say every worst thing, because then people will leave me the fuck alone.

[224] And then I'll really get on with my depression then.

[225] Do you know what I mean?

[226] So that's how I was like, kind of like, sensible in planning out my own self -destruction.

[227] Smart, yeah.

[228] Yeah, it's very weird.

[229] And I've spoken to other people about this when they've been in similar situations, like when Logan went through his thing, and he was like, yeah, same.

[230] I just drank a lot and smoked a lot.

[231] And that was what we both did, like, you know.

[232] So, yeah, so after that happened, I then had to, okay, where do we go from here then?

[233] and I had a production company who were partnered with us at the time who agreed that they would carry the cost to the kickoff while we were looking for another sponsor so that was very kind of them shout out of their pete, he knows who he is and we don't get me wrong those costs had to be paid back at some point so every show is X amount of money every single fee debt you know and this is the thing that people forget I've probably got the biggest crew on YouTube really So there's like 15 people every show who need paid and every single time we do a kickoff show.

[234] That cost was building.

[235] My tax wasn't going anywhere.

[236] I needed a fucking sponsor big time.

[237] So that was, it was a bad time.

[238] You know what I mean?

[239] A lot of pressure.

[240] I think that was the thing.

[241] Pressure.

[242] I felt it from every angle, you know.

[243] How does that impact other areas of your life?

[244] I've heard you talk about the impact it had on your sleep, which I think is something people, don't think about enough because I think sleep is probably the foundation of your mood how you make decisions and everything in between so probably I still haven't quite mastered that I think that's the thing that I think partly it's because when you have your own business there's not enough hours in the day so you're always like late night being like what else can we do what else can we do so I'm shit at sleeping and like as soon as I wake up by the time I've made the toilet for a piss I'm thinking about what we need to do like it so that's part of it um but yeah i drank myself to sleep to a point where i was more collapsing rather than sleeping you know and uh it was awful like i'm gonna play just because these are the questions i come to mind you're drinking yourself to sleep but you're a smart guy you know that that's not good oh yeah yeah but but at that point i cared more about uh it was like almost like it was like a a mathematical equation is like what is more important right now me being like I didn't care about myself I just thought get through the days because so my mom died right this is totally side thing previously to that and I remembered when I got through that I did a similar thing where I would just I drank myself to sleep for about a month at least and I knew if I could just get a few weeks under my belt, no matter how I got through it, it would be easier.

[245] So I just had to get to that point.

[246] And I think, I'm not recommending this, by the way, but few people will go through the kind of week I went through.

[247] So luckily, it won't be necessary.

[248] But sometimes you've just got to put distance between you and the event, and daylight will slowly become sayable.

[249] I'm not saying it was a good idea.

[250] Yeah.

[251] Yeah, this is, yeah.

[252] It doesn't.

[253] It looks good on the movies.

[254] Yeah, I can imagine.

[255] For me, because if those issues aren't ever properly addressed, then they kind of re -emerge or they sit there.

[256] So I hear you, but there's a time and a place and right in the aftermath isn't always the best time to go and go, right, let's figure out what went wrong here.

[257] It was emotionally so distressing.

[258] I just thought, I am one of fucking, every waking moment was they're all, Like the whole thing, the finances, the Twitter, all this bullshit, I couldn't address it at that point.

[259] I couldn't think about it at that point.

[260] I couldn't work out what had gone wrong or all of that.

[261] I just thought, get a fucking sponsor.

[262] Keep doing the shows.

[263] Drink yourself to sleep if you have to.

[264] Just get a fucking sponsor.

[265] Keep the money coming in.

[266] Because right now, without money, you're fucked.

[267] So fucked.

[268] Like, I'm homeless.

[269] You know what I mean?

[270] The amount of bills that were crewing up and the amount of money I had, I was going to end up, like, I was like, I might end up fucking wherever, you know what I mean?

[271] Like, so it really wasn't about, oh, let's go and work through my problems.

[272] It was like, let's put some fucking money in the bank, yeah.

[273] Was there one day through that period which you remember as being the most agonising, one particular day?

[274] Every single day.

[275] Every single day was just as bad as.

[276] It was like when my mom died.

[277] That was what it reminded me of.

[278] It was like I had died almost like every day I'd wake up.

[279] So when my mom died, I remember when I'd wake up, I'd go, oh.

[280] And it was that first moment when your eyes wake up, and you go, oh, it's real.

[281] It's actually happened.

[282] And that's the moment where when my life had ended, it was that moment of when I'd first wake up, I'd go, oh, it's real, it's real.

[283] And then I'd have to get up and face the day, you know what I mean, and just try and block it out.

[284] When I'd go outside, I wore a cap, I'd try everything I could to hide who I would.

[285] was because I felt ashamed that I was the DM guy or I used to think of myself as like a great podcast of someone who had changed his life brought himself out from and now I was like being like shamed laughter all of that shit so I just felt so like humiliated you know what I mean I just didn't feel like me anymore when you said you woke up and you the first couple of seconds you thought it's real yeah does that mean that your sleep was a place of peace or a place of escape I'm asking this question because Tom Bloomfield from Monzo was sat there and he talks about being anxious and depressed for about two years and he said when I'd wake and he literally said he's here last week he said when I woke up for two or three seconds I didn't know who I was or where I was and those were the best and then he said it would just come crashing back down no so the best time was when I was drunk before I went to sleep that was the point where I really enjoyed it because I was like oh it's like I'm not even here.

[286] You know what I mean?

[287] So that was the best time because then nothing felt, I couldn't feel anything, you know what I mean?

[288] That was ideal.

[289] That's why I kept going back there every night.

[290] But I wasn't an alcoholic or anything.

[291] It was that feeling that I was chasing, the I don't feel pain.

[292] Numnness.

[293] Yeah, that was the good bit.

[294] When your mother passed away, you didn't talk about it.

[295] No, no. I mean, YouTube's a shitty place, isn't it?

[296] It's a horror.

[297] Like, as I found out the hard way, you know so um and also she's just precious to me so i i keep it to myself always um i keep her to myself always i've only talked about her once online and that was the rebuild yeah and even in even in that video which i watched twice um i still had no idea when it happened yeah yeah because i was trying to pinpoint if there was like a change in you or if it was during your YouTube career at the height of your YouTube career before and I thought it was you know for a guy that does really pour it out on the internet and I've seen you you know when the Logan Paul incident happened I watched that video and you were pouring out your heart in a way that was just remarkably vulnerable and that was just a secret yeah but it's like um it's like um it's like what I said earlier I can be quite cerebral when I have to be and I can make decisions when I have to be pardon me for my own my own sake and here's the thing when you love someone more than anything else in this world that matters more than anything and where others would have capitalised on a sob story she was far too precious for me to share with anyone you know it wasn't about she was mine she wasn't there for anyone else was just my man do you know what I mean and that's the way I plan to keep it, do you know what I mean?

[298] I've explained what she meant to us in that video and how much I love her, I always will, and I miss her every fucking day, bro.

[299] But it's just one of those things where I think to myself, certain things, I think, you draw the line online, you know, you have to, there has to be some stuff that's for you.

[300] And even if I say, yeah, my mom died and I loved her, and she meant the world, it was, and I did try and give her, some ins and out of what my relationship was like with us so that people could feel how much, feel the love, you know what I mean?

[301] I didn't want to give everything because, I don't know, it's just too special for me to give everything, do you know what I mean, like that?

[302] And I think that's one thing that some creators could do with learning as well is like what is, how much value does something have if you'll just share it with everyone.

[303] and I do think you've got to pick and choose, you know what I mean, carefully.

[304] Because once you give it, there's no taking it back.

[305] And that's the problem, isn't it?

[306] You know what I mean?

[307] With YouTube, it's like once it's out there, it's out there.

[308] In that video, you say when you're, I think you've just been fighting with, is it Vlad's dad?

[309] Oh, with Vidal's dad, yeah.

[310] Vidal's dad.

[311] And you, I mean, you've, looks like you've gone like 12 rounds with him or something, and you fall over and you're back and you get emotional.

[312] And he says, you know, that's what boxing does.

[313] It brings all those emotions.

[314] And you said a line, you said, I'm just a guy that misses his mum.

[315] Mm -hmm.

[316] Have you ever processed that?

[317] Yeah, a lot, a lot.

[318] I've truly faced...

[319] I know everything, like, about me. That's good, but I really face up to my...

[320] to everything in my life.

[321] You know what I mean?

[322] I know where I've gone wrong.

[323] I know...

[324] I really feel.

[325] face things head on and with my mom I faced it more than anything because it was it was a constant in my it's like losing a parent if you're especially if it's an it's an if you're an only child and there's only one parent it's um so severe because it's like I try to describe it to someone it was like one day I went outside and um the whole world was full of water and people are swimming around in their scuba gear or whatever going but what what everything's normal Brian.

[326] I'm like, no, no, you don't understand.

[327] Like, the constants in my life have been like, the sun comes up in the morning, I breathe there, you know, the moon comes out in the night, my mom loves me. Those four things, like, or this is reality.

[328] So to remove one of those components, it blew my fucking mind, like that she couldn't be here anymore.

[329] I was like, it doesn't make sense to me, you know what I mean?

[330] So I had to face it, and I really have processed it.

[331] And I think that's why I never felt the need to share it either, because I was like, you know, I'm at peace with that as hard as it is.

[332] It's just part of my life now.

[333] And I feel like as people say things like it's, but I feel like she's there.

[334] I don't need anything from anyone to make me feel better because when a mother loves the son the way my mother love me, there's nothing anyone can tell me in this world about her, about me, about us.

[335] I don't need to share it, you know what I mean?

[336] You said you had one parent then?

[337] Well, my dad was, you know, around sort of, but like in and out there, you know.

[338] He's like, he was an old school guy, my dad, you know, like fucking shagged around, went to prison, just a wild man. But I'm okay with my dad now.

[339] I've just reached a place of like understanding that.

[340] My dad's got bipolar disorder.

[341] he's uh he's never going to be quote unquote normal like he's just that guy and uh you know he recently had a suicide attempt which i had to phone the ambulance for and that and it's like what the fucking hell is this like you know what i mean you're panicking um hoping he's going to be all right he then got sectioned again um which this was this year you know and you had to phone the ambulance Yeah, yeah.

[342] He texts me basically a sort of a message that let me know what was going down, you know.

[343] So instantly got on the ambulance and then you're panicking because the ambulance, they're like, oh, COVID, COVID.

[344] I'm like, well, you fucking just get there.

[345] Like, are you shitting me?

[346] Two hours it took them to get there, you know, two fucking hours.

[347] And, like, it was like a full -blown suicide attempt.

[348] Like, the pills were already gone, you know what I mean?

[349] So, yeah.

[350] Just like, it's stressful, you know, when you go through that.

[351] And it was, I did a podcast about it because, you know, you don't really know what to do.

[352] Like, last time my dad was sectioned, I was a fucking child.

[353] Like, so I'm now his next of kin.

[354] I'm his parent now in this situation.

[355] So he's mentally unstable.

[356] They're coming to me asking me for the answers.

[357] I'm trying to run a company and do my YouTube videos.

[358] Hey, everyone, welcome back.

[359] you know what I mean it's fucking mental and that's one of the weird things about uh being a YouTuber is like I know that people rely on me for their escape that it's sometimes that's why like you you message me to do a podcast around that time and I said mate I ain't doing a fucking podcast right now I'm not in a and I didn't because I just said I'll just be fucking miserable I mean great start anyway we're talking about that stuff but yeah I just knew I couldn't I couldn't do it you know what I mean but yeah it's been a me and my dad are all right like he sometimes he just um he sees things from a different angle because he's got bipolar so it's it's challenging you know what I mean to get him to see where I'm coming from sometimes it's so difficult when eventually I think a kid has to kind of forgive their parents and start parenting their parents it's even kind of happened to me in a strange way because I think my mom I think my mom has bipolar dude your mom's such a character.

[360] I've heard stories and I'm like yeah I remember being young and being told that well I mean the first one I wrote my book is when she came to the school in her lingerie when I was like four or five years old because she wanted to put on a show and then the other instance that sticks my mind there's one where she chased my dad to the house with a knife and the third one I remember is being told that she had been locked up because they'd come to repossess her restaurant and she was stood in the street with a knife and she was smashing up her own shop and there was police in the street and everything and I didn't see that but we'll have to set them up for a day a great couple no but there is you get to a point when you realise that I'm not going to have the perfect family that I see in the films and I'm going to have to forgive these people who were meant to be my idols and guardians for their own flaws and then I just Yeah it's I'm I've made I've sort of I've made peace with my dad's mistakes in life it's difficult though you know you know it's a really long process of why don't you love me why won't you be like this why aren't you doing that why you know and as the years go by you realize other people's parents are also fucked up you know how many people can actually say they've got two parents who love each other in a great marriage and have been great parents most people i know don't have that situation even if their parents are together it's a fucking shit show so yeah people are on perfect and um i think just accepting that is a good start of life anxiety is a really interesting topic i've been involved in this mental health company for some time now a tie and i've just got really fascinated about the concept of anxiety no it's fucking horrible just and i've experienced it as well i've oh yeah been there tell me about your experience with anxiety um and when and was it later in your life that you first?

[361] I think the first time I'd had anxiety was after my mom died.

[362] In the immediate, I didn't know what was going on.

[363] I just remember being in the room and saying to my mates, my chest is getting really tight.

[364] I feel like I'm struggling to breathe.

[365] And I was like, and then, you know, the doctor's hired us some volume and fucking, I think I had that with some alcohol at the same time.

[366] And that was when the forcing myself to sleep sort of was, was started but um as i got older um i realized uh through the youtube thing just like being known is is a really weird thing particularly obviously around that time with the the fall of true jordy as i called it on the video uh lots of anxiety and depression um and it is just such a horrible feeling to go through, because it feels very serious at the time.

[367] Yeah.

[368] But it is in your head, in it really.

[369] You've been very open about your, and I don't want to continue on the topic because we've got a lot to talk about, you've been very open about your depression and suicidal ideation.

[370] And one thing that I haven't quite managed to get over in your head is what you said earlier where you said, one of the things that actually made you hang in there was that people didn't want you to hang in there.

[371] And that's the fire in you.

[372] Yeah.

[373] Yeah, I like, I sort of, there was a, there was a tweet that was tweeted at me. It's such a weird little confession where a guy went, I've heard about your financial issues or whatever he said in his tweet, and it couldn't happen to a better guy.

[374] And I've got like a dark sense of humor, and I sort of smirked at it.

[375] And I thought, in my head I thought, I know I am not beaten.

[376] Like, I just know it and I know I'm going to be rich.

[377] And I know shit's going to go.

[378] back around.

[379] So I just screenshot the tweet.

[380] And I remember thinking, I'm going to use that as like an air freshener on a Ferrari.

[381] You know what I mean?

[382] Like, I have this like, I don't know, you know what I mean?

[383] Like, I want to prove people wrong.

[384] And I think that drive at the start was a lot of that was like, when I started YouTube, so many people were like, the fuck, is this idiot doing?

[385] Like shouting on these camera and all that.

[386] So then all of a sudden there was that, that negativity came in droves, fucking thousands of tweets.

[387] and yeah it was sort of a weird like oh it's like starting the game again but like on a different level so I'm like okay now I'm fucked but I've been fucked worse before so it's kind of like all right let's let's use this a bit so but to sort of uh yeah the depression it's like it's awful and it's so negative and you think about like I was thinking about suicide on a daily basis at one point I was, you know, I'm sorry if this is bringing people down when I was you know, I was really seriously contemplating it in a way of like he has what I would do and when the anxiety attacks were coming over me it was just an awful way of living and I honestly don't know how I got through what I got through like looking back at it it was fucking mental I've never been to that point so when I hear people talking about it it just, it's like incomprehensible to me that you could get to the point where you think the best route is to end your life?

[388] So, yeah, I mean, looking at it at the time, I thought I had what was like situational depression where I'm in this horrible situation and that's why I'm depressed, which was partly true, obviously.

[389] But I was also chemically depressed as well.

[390] Like there was, what I now realize is, through that, my mom dying, other trauma in my life, I definitely had chemical depression.

[391] Like, I needed medication, you know.

[392] But I sort of didn't believe in it, didn't want to do it, didn't think it would work for me, you know.

[393] And also, like, when you're a guy who lives in his head and thinks, you know, I'm a smart guy, yad yad, yad.

[394] you sort of you're worried it's going to change the way you think and make you a bit what if it makes me dumber you know something silly like that or you hear about other people's bad experiences on it like fucks your libido all of this sort of weird shit puts weight on you there's this all sorts of little fears so um it had to get so bad uh before i would try medication but like one day it got bad enough where i was like i realized i thought i'm definitely going to to do it soon otherwise um so i'm going to have to i was like frightened almost like as a kind of like as a friend of me if that makes sense like i'm i was frightened for me because i was like you're really going to fucking do this year soon like uh the way i was thinking and the way my life was going and the way i was feeling about small things that really are like you know when people sort of push your buttons a little bit yeah the way that was making me feel was awful like I was shouting at my friends and my crew and when someone was challenging me in any way the fear and anxiety was bubbling underneath it was just overwhelming and I had like really bad nightmares and I'd wake up in the morning and I remember just waking up one morning just being like oh I really don't want to live anymore and that was when I was like on the phone to the doctor and I was like give us whatever the fuck you've got because I'm willing to try anything now and thank fuck you know um so they uh they prescribed as some antidepressants and i'm really fucking glad i tried them mate honestly you called the doctor yourself one night one morning uh it was in the morning you woke up and thought i need to call yeah i just knew i thought i'm like i'm a liability to myself here and it was like the fear of oh fuck you're getting dangerously close like you like thoughts become things right so like We know that because when we challenge our brains in an ambitious way, we can make magic happen.

[395] But also, if I'm thinking negatively, I can go to the worst possible place.

[396] And I really knew I was like almost manifesting it because I was spending so many times it would pass through my head.

[397] Oh, well, I'll just kill myself.

[398] Oh, well, I'll just kill myself.

[399] Oh, well, like if this doesn't happen, if this doesn't happen, if this doesn't happen.

[400] It was becoming an answer.

[401] it was becoming a solution to all of the problems that felt like they were mounting on my shoulders and stuff like that so yeah um and when i took the medication that was when it really dawned on me like oh that wasn't just because of what i've been through or it was a it was yeah post -traumatic stress disorder and all sorts of other shit but it was also like a chemical imbalance probably in the brain where my serotonin levels were real low um And, you know, I was desperate, so I'm glad I took them.

[402] I never see you meditate, go on holiday, relax, chill out, go to the jungle.

[403] I was in the jungle and you messaged me and said, oh, I need a little bit of that.

[404] Yeah, I mean, you look like you were having a whale of a fucking camera.

[405] Yeah, but I am on like a treadmill, you know what I mean?

[406] like and I'm not quite at that point of financial um what I want from like financially I haven't quite clinched that moment of well you have set yeah I will I will you think so yeah because I don't think I have um you know but so well well yeah but we're at different points you know what I mean sort of like um financially speaking um I'm nearly there i think i'm getting there i've got a really good organized team now money is is sorting itself out and it's like if i just carry on the way i'm going will be okay and then i can have those moments where i go now i'm going to rest i'm going to enjoy myself but yeah i don't i don't meditate i don't uh you know how do you relax um glass of wine and um i say a glass of bottle of wine uh but you know um were you ever taught how to relax no not really i feel like i don't really relax like the minute i put out something i'm really happy with i get this feeling of like content like i'm like oh that's class that that's a really good piece of work that i'm really happy with that then like 10 minutes will go by and that'll be when I'm like, okay, what we're doing next then, you know what I mean?

[407] And I think like, you know, we have that in common for sure.

[408] And I know doubt that when I hit that point of where I'm financially secure, I'll still carry on being a bastard.

[409] This is it.

[410] But I will chill out more.

[411] I will, I will chill out more.

[412] And I'm already chilling out more since I started the antidepressants actually.

[413] Like in terms of the way I behave, like all of those, I'm so much more in control of myself now, my anger, my ups and downs, like, you know, everything's a lot more relaxed and I communicate in a way that's not as, like, you know, there's times where people have pissed me off and I would just not even look at them because I would be so frustrated that when I'd tell them, I wouldn't, I wouldn't even make to look at them because I'd be like, I want to punch you right now, so I'm not you know what I mean like I just exude anger even when I was trying to hold it back it was there obvious and I don't want people who work with me to feel like they're working with a fucking lunatic you know what I mean so the the antidepressants have been a godsend and um that really helped me communicate and now now if I have an issue I just sit down and I'm just honest and calm and I just go here's what's gone wrong here's what I think we should do better if you want to tell me what I need to do better I'm all he has and it's like I'm a different I'm a better person now you know what I mean still not the finished article by any means got lots of work to do but it just made me realize like my and it goes but ironically to the trolls you know even even the trolls you give me all that shit it's like when you're really unhappy within yourself it comes out everywhere and that was really what was happening to me I was like and part of it actually made my YouTube videos good because like the pain that like that fall of true jordy video it was just i just said lawrence you need to fucking sit down and i need to sit down because i've got so much shit i want to say right now and if i don't get this out there i'm going to fucking explode so we're doing this it wasn't thought out or anything um but it brings sometimes it's like that struggling artist thing isn't it people like that a little bit like to feel like they're battling something so it makes the videos better.

[414] So it worked in my favour a little bit.

[415] I just, I've just come to, I mean, from my own experiences, I'm sure you've heard this, heard me say this before.

[416] Just when I, when I was insecure, broke and striving to be rich and successful, upon actually getting there, I realized that that was totally unfulfilling because it just moves off into the future.

[417] And so when I, what I think I've come to learn maybe is happiness is in fact finding peace today, irrespective of uncompleted goals?

[418] That's definitely in my head as well.

[419] that word peace today yeah like in even in the last month actually I remember thinking I only want to be around people who are who make me feel peaceful if you bring drama if you bring agro stress you can fuck off because I'm trying to turn over a new leaf now and not deal like and I think a lot of people just did not realize like well they were heaping stuff out on my plate because I'm the mountain of a man who can handle anything apparently that I was like fucking bro breaking point and I just wasn't saying it you know whereas now I'm saying it I'm like no I'm not doing that like you know the other day one of the lads in the team said it was um oh um it was about research or something like you know for graphic design and stuff and me mate went it was um oh it would help if you if you had a look and I said would Joe Rogan's team tell him to do that with you or do your own research Joe you know and and now I'm just very much like he has the standards this is what we do and you know and are you still it do you think this is what really what i'm getting at here is do you think you're still attaching some happiness to the future attainment of some goal or or and this is like this is scary no but it's it's it's healthy in a way because it's like i'm not under the illusion that the minute i hit the big number that all of a sudden i'm going to that will make me happy but the freedom that that number will then give me is what I'm looking for freedom from what?

[420] Freedom of choice freedom to do whatever I want with my life right now I'm a slave to the game the game for me right now is I've got all these shows all these brands that I'm trying to build I'm doing the fighting I've got the kickoff the football brand I've got the podcast and other things I'm working on as well like my poker and stuff and Twitch I am on a treadmill where every single week I have to do, I'm contracted to do this show, this show, this show.

[421] I'm the most consistent YouTuber in the UK.

[422] It's just nobody really realises it because it's kind of always been that way.

[423] I've always been that guy, even though I slowed the podcast down, in terms of like the amount of videos I've been putting out, it's been insane for years now.

[424] So I have to do them because I'm not at a point of financial, freedom and even when I am I might still carry on but it would be nice to have the option to go yeah I'm going to do this and yeah I'm going to interview that guy.

[425] Hey if I want to interview a guy in America I can stop the kick off because I just don't want to do it this week or I'll let my other boys do it and I'm going to go to LA and interview Joe Rogan you know I'd love to have the I can't do that I'm chained to my content and I love my content fortunately and I love the people I'm around.

[426] But if I didn't, it would be really hard.

[427] Got you.

[428] I've been thinking a ton about this.

[429] It's actually, again, the last chapter in the book art's writing.

[430] And I think my conclusion...

[431] My book's actually quite similar.

[432] It's called Happy Sexy Jodie.

[433] Is it?

[434] When did you get the name for?

[435] It's just that last, I was, I thought so much about ambition.

[436] And my conclusive point was when you realize that you are enough and you actually don't need more money or you don't need more external validation, that foundation, that foundation, that foundation It's such a contradiction, right, that when you realize that you're actually, you've got everything you need, then you, then the result is true ambition, not ambition to impress girls with a Lamborghini, not ambition to prove everyone wrong, but you go after the things that you actually genuinely give a shit about.

[437] And when you get to the point where you are, you know that you're enough, then you start to go for things just for the sake of like the intrinsic and that's what I'm talking about.

[438] Yeah.

[439] That's where I am.

[440] It's like, I know I want to get there, but I'm not there yet.

[441] And when that, when, when, When I get that big fuck -off deal, that's insane, then I can be like, I mean, unfortunately, that'll mean more work.

[442] There you go, right?

[443] But I'll have the money to then have that in, bring the plane into land eventually and go, okay, now what do I want to do?

[444] Ultimately, the funny thing is, I'm doing what I want to do now.

[445] I'm just doing a lot more of it than probably physically I should be.

[446] You know what I mean?

[447] It would be nice to have a bit more.

[448] A bigger team is really what I'd like to do is invest more into the team and have more people to help me because me and the boys, we do a lot.

[449] It's funny because it feels like the snowball then gets bigger as it's rolling down there.

[450] Possibly.

[451] Add five more people, then that means more brand obligations to pay for them.

[452] Do you know what it is, though?

[453] It would make me so fucking happy to be, I know this is like, I get why this is bullshit, but it's also like it's enough for me. even people from Newcastle have like underestimated me even people who should be championing me and supporting me are telling me I ain't shit so just to like go beyond what anyone could even imagine it would be such a fucking ride and ultimately that's all I want to do at the end is look back and go fuck me I showed those cunts didn't I like and have a good laugh and spend time with my friends make great videos that's what I want to do what are your ambitions now then I don't think you've you know you've signed this deal with um obviously jim shark which is great and you've you've done a deal with beats which is great you're over on twitch now poker stars as well poker stars shout out of popa stars got love poker stars what is the big when you talk about that big you know vision that you have in your mind of where you will be in five 10 years from now what is that um I feel like I've um I'm in a bit of a unique situation in that I want to kind of be the king of multiple different things and it's going to be interesting to see how that goes.

[454] I think I'm the best podcaster currently about, aside from Joe Rogan, no offence of your good self -saint.

[455] I think you're very good.

[456] And, you know, I want to kill the podcast game, but that's been something that I've had to, in the past, when that shit happened, I kind of had to put that back and go, where's the money going to come from and sports is a lot easier to make money out of so i went full steam head with the kickoff i think i've got something really special with the kickoff that to me is the the future of football in terms of how people will consume it in the UK that show the the brand the kickoff the the personalities i've got there i'm working on rebranding it right now you know jillette soccer saturday is dying a death i've seen it coming a mile off.

[457] Soccer -R -M is so fucked.

[458] Like, they've all piled.

[459] Like, there's, what that happened in that space right now?

[460] There's so many YouTube channels, they're faking their views.

[461] I know them all.

[462] They've got all the big brands.

[463] Budweiser, you're getting robbed.

[464] I'm just saying that right now.

[465] You want to check the fucking, why have certain YouTube channels switch the likes off, switch the views, switch the comments off, because they're fucking buying views and stuff like that.

[466] What we've got is so authentic and real my studio I've spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on the equipment in there we've got something special there so it's just about watering it and letting it grow and if I build the team right I think we could like no one can fuck with us like everyone's copying us everyone's copying the kickoff no one can copy the kickoff they're all wasting their time all they do is make us look better their shit attempts at the kickoff make us look ten times stronger so So with that one, I think we've got something really special there.

[467] And I'm surprised a huge brand has not seen that yet, like an Amazon or a Google or whoever the fuck, you know.

[468] Because, all right, we swear on there, but we are killing it, you know.

[469] And credit to Twitch, they did see it.

[470] And, you know, I'm proud of that.

[471] But the potential for that brand, I just think is enormous.

[472] I just, like I say, I've been through so many financial struggles while keeping that going.

[473] I haven't really been in it had a chance to put it in third gear yet but we're getting there and then there's the fighting I feel like thanks to Logan Paul and KSI they've put me in a really particular position where I really know fighting but I also know the entertainment side of fighting and as boxing moves towards that direction and MMA as well and my history of loving boxing in UFC I can really nail down a special place in that where, you know, live stream -wise, we're number one on fighting and football.

[474] How weird is it that there's one guy in the world who does a live stream on football and he's got the number one audience and fighting?

[475] You know, that alone puts me in a really unique position without having to talk about the podcast where it's Ricky Jervais one week.

[476] It could be Camaro Ouzman, and the UFC champion the next Tyson Fury, Logan Paul.

[477] Do you think you've got the credit you deserve?

[478] I definitely don't, no. Why?

[479] I don't know.

[480] I don't know.

[481] I think, you know, I just did an interview, for example, with Kamara Usman.

[482] And the older I get and the wiser I get and the better at questioning I get and the better I get as an interviewer and leading the guest and taking them on that journey, my emotional compassionate side is really another gear that I have that other interviewers I just, you know, I've always aspired to be like Joe Rogan, but Joe Rogan has things I don't and I have things he doesn't.

[483] He knows everything about everything.

[484] This guy can talk to anyone.

[485] I just don't have that, but my emotional compassionate side, my empathy, I think, gives me something else.

[486] And on that interview, I got so many comments because it was one of the first interviews I've done which was the same guest Joe Rogan had.

[487] And loads of people saying, you did a lot better.

[488] You fucking out, did Joe Rogan with that one.

[489] And I knew I did.

[490] And I don't mean that as a disrespect because he's like a god to me. But on that one, it really showed because I just did a totally different interview.

[491] And Joe is always going to be the goat to me, but sometimes even the goat can be got and I can get him every now and then.

[492] And I'm, he's who I aspire to beat on every podcast, you know.

[493] maybe I don't know I don't know what the fuck it's going to take I don't know if it's because I'm I feel like it's because I'm working class and I don't necessarily like some people just get credit thrown at them like Mr. Beast wow you spent loads of money on a video what's the other fucker who's always surprised his friends with cars I don't give a shit like with all due respect you don't impress me none of you know your creativity's bang average you know like I could turn up with fucking money and buy a car for a friend you know what I mean so I'm trying to tell stories like with the fall of true Jordi with the rebuild with the podcasts though that content is like I poured my heart and soul into it I edited it with my editor Geo shout out to him amazing editor we sat together and did frame by frame I do degrade I fucking everything like every minute detail I care about why does my podcast look different to everyone else because I care and I will literally go and go right we're going to do the grade, we're going to do the sound, that doesn't sound right, and every fucking detail I care about.

[494] So it frustrates me that I'm not where I think I should be, because the numbers are there, the deals are there, but the critical acclaim for whatever reason isn't there.

[495] And I guess it's because I swear and I'm not like mainstream worthy.

[496] Like I'm never, I'm never going to be the kid who Jonathan Ross invites on or, you know, I'm not, and I don't want to.

[497] I don't give a fuck about, being well known on telly i don't want to go on it particularly um and it's not because there's anything wrong with it it's just i'm happy where i am you know but um i don't know what it's going to take bro do you think i've got to move a fucking mountain no i know i i was just thinking about it then because i agree with everything you said in terms of the influence you have and i and you also agree that you are the best podcast in this country and really you were one of the real pioneers of a certain style of podcasting but also on the kickoff right you're a real pioneer there but from what I've learned about company valuations and even how brands do deals, it's the way that it is packaged.

[498] Yeah, and look, I'm not greasing the wheels of these companies and that's definitely a thing I need to do better because you talk about certain YouTube channels.

[499] Yeah, certain YouTube channels will take people out for dinner, they'll schmooze, they'll do all of that shit.

[500] And I'm clearly not doing that.

[501] But like credit of the companies who have invested in me, because I've just went, look, I'm the best and you know I learned how to do decks myself I've done decks I do all my own decks you shouldn't be I sell well I've just hired a guy so he's going to do them from now one but the point is is like I got I've done all right you know yeah you've done really well I've done well I don't I'm going to say it you're not getting the credit you deserve yeah and it's you know and you're not getting the money you deserve either it's fucking frustrating bro I don't know what money you're getting but I know it's not what you deserve Trust me, bro.

[502] It ain't what I...

[503] No, I'm credit to the partners we've got because they've looked after us, particularly Jim Shark and Poker Stars and Twitch.

[504] I'm grateful for those people to be partnered with us.

[505] But yeah, I definitely feel like where I am is not reflected.

[506] But yeah, I need to do the schmoozing bullshit a lot better.

[507] And the deck side of things, we've built that out, and we're packaging up and brand - I need to be a bit more there's a lot of rich old white dudes who sign the fucking checks who I need to be more friendly towards I and I get that I don't even think you do I think you need a bunch of rich old white dudes to be friendly with rich old white dudes yeah I think you should probably call your company like true true entertainment yeah you put it all under there the minute so people when they look at something if they if they value it as a YouTube channel you get in paid X yeah if they value you as a media company a Buzzfeed or a vice well well which I am Yeah, you are.

[508] Which I am.

[509] But you're not packaged like that.

[510] You're packaged as a YouTube channel.

[511] Vice is worth five, like, I don't know.

[512] No, it was $1 .5 billion.

[513] Yeah.

[514] Like, if you think about the influence and reach, you're probably up there with Vice.

[515] But you're branded differently.

[516] You're branded as a YouTube channel.

[517] And I've done all this on a shoestring as well, bro.

[518] Exactly, yeah.

[519] I've been in debt for the tax man. I've got that rub pulled out from under me with a deal.

[520] I've had to scramble to get other deals.

[521] I had to pay off the production company, all the money I owe the, them you know you know that one who kept us going after the deal i'd pay them off and then i went solo and got my own production company set up so we are beginning which is the obviously the concept where the promotion where the distribution we are a fucking media company it's just fucking frustrating because i don't know who's dick i've got to suck to get fucking respect around here um but i'd i should be a multi -fucking millionaire right now bowling out of control I'm not bowling out of control I should be going back down to the fucking Audi garage now yeah I'm pissed off and I think that chip on my shoulder is a healthy thing in a way because it'll just keep driving me to get that respect I deserve and ultimately to get the money to look after the people I care about and that's the goal it ain't about like ultimately yes I've got an ego yes I want to be respected yes but I could quit all that as long as I get the money to secure everyone who all my team all of that you know what I mean and you 100 % own your your formats absolutely yeah I pulled up on Heineken because they used the kickoff trademark and said I want my fucking money really yeah shout out to Heineken they paid me off oh did they yeah they they used the kickoff and I was like the kickoff the European Champions League night with Heineken and I'm like what the fuck tweeted there And yeah, I had everyone fucking, oh, can we make this go away?

[522] But to be fair, the gaffer at Heineken was cool as fuck.

[523] Well, he better have been.

[524] Yeah, you should sponsor the fucking kickoff.

[525] Do you think you're happy now?

[526] I want to answer this honestly.

[527] I'm really, really going there.

[528] No, I wouldn't say happy is the right word.

[529] But I'm closer to in the middle than I have been in a long time.

[530] you know what I mean like that neutral point of like I'm not really happy but I mean also not low I'm heading up to like okay you know what I mean I have more okay days than I have had in a long time since I started taking my antidepressants and stuff that's really helped me sort of level out a bit so yeah I'm definitely a bit better but I wouldn't say happy would be the right word and also I don't I'm not striving to be happy either I think I'm striving for peace and content and just yeah you have your happy days you're also going to have your bad days but it's like I want to get to a place where I ride the storm and enjoy the good bits and appreciate them and know that there will be hard times again but that I'm mentally equipped to deal with them and that if I do have a bad moment that I don't want to kill myself or anything that's thought of my what I'm looking for do you know what it's going to what work it takes to get there do you have any idea what it's going to take to that day yeah yeah I think so, but also I'm kind of think I'm one of those people that I'm not anticipating an easy ride in life.

[531] I'd be a fool after everything I've been through to think, but now it's going to go great, you know?

[532] So it's like, that's kind of why I search for money because I think money does solve a lot of problems and it can make life a lot easier.

[533] And it's not like money isn't the answer, but that can help a lot.

[534] The freedom it gives you.

[535] Yeah.

[536] I'm still super scared slash conscious about my relationship with money because I know that there's nothing you can do to take that kid out of me it will never leave me there's still bits of me man I say a fast car and I'm like oh fuck me I can really go for one of them right now Bitcoin was taken off I'm like oh should I get on the train you know what I mean?

[537] Once every three months I'll send my friends one of them's over there and my manager and my PA a picture of a Rolls Royce and I'll just be like should I do it fuck them yeah yeah yeah and I'll do it five times a year I'll never buy it but it's that kid showing up again being like get fucking show them and this all I've tried to do in my life is just be way more conscious of that kid in me but this is the thing is like at this point for you everyone thinks you're way more loaded than you probably are anyway so it's gone to a point where it's like for you there's nothing left to prove you've proven it you know what I mean like you're and I guess yeah bro credit to you by the way you've done a fucking good job oh thank you you're proud of you thank you bro I appreciate that I hope you're proud of your son as well I am and you're right I don't feel like I've got a ton left to prove to people and that's what I was kind of referring to and that for me has been a really good place to actually realise what I care about in life because before it was all trying to get laid trying to get girls trying to get respect trying to get followers trying to get whatever and when I was doing that I was making myself unhappy but I was self -destructing when you finally get to the point where you realise that you are actually never going to be internally worth more.

[538] You're never actually going to be more valuable as a human being.

[539] No matter how much money I have, my value doesn't change.

[540] But insecurity is, it's a gift and a curse, isn't it?

[541] It's like rocket fuel.

[542] It's like before when I was talking about my podcasts and how I'm underrated, you see the way I talk, like the passion.

[543] Whereas Joe Rogan ain't fucking talking like that.

[544] He's content.

[545] He is the king.

[546] Like he has nothing there.

[547] And also, I kind of envy it because he's never been that way.

[548] He's never been, he's never come across as, I need validation.

[549] And I know that in me, you know what I mean?

[550] And it's not a healthy thing.

[551] Do you think it's a good thing?

[552] It's certainly fucking driven us.

[553] So I can't hate it all.

[554] But it's like controlling it.

[555] It's like the beast inside you.

[556] And it's like mastering it, you know, and knowing when to let it.

[557] go and like it's that same thing that will make me obsess over the quality of the content or you know the detail or the research or and it's the same thing that when people let me down in a work situation I get fucking frustrated because I'm like why the fuck don't you want this as bad as I do you know what I mean but if they did they'd be me you know what I mean I'm I'm I'm I'm me there then but it's it just drives as fucking insane sometimes you know I think it's about balancing that thing and as you say, trying to master it because you're definitely right.

[558] It was like the fucking rocket ship that took you here.

[559] But at some point, I think probably to fly you've got to let go.

[560] And I genuinely think, I've thought this, from just watching from afar and seeing the similarities in me and you, I've thought to myself, the day that Brian reaches his full potential will be the day that he no longer gives a fuck about proving himself to people.

[561] Because I think then, I think then how you operate becomes a lot more healthy.

[562] and more productive and more effective.

[563] You're not being driven by these external forces.

[564] You clearly, you know, that don't want your best interest.

[565] You can be in control because you're not in control if there's that driving you, right?

[566] You're not actually.

[567] And I'm the same.

[568] As I said, I'm on the treadmill, bro.

[569] And the day I don't need money anymore, that's going to be a scary day for the rest of the internet.

[570] Because the content's going to fucking change.

[571] like I don't know what the fuck I'll do but it'll probably one I don't know I don't want to let the fans down and I don't want to stop doing what they love me for but I am a person who evolves constantly and I'm always thinking and re -evaluating and what is this what am I doing why am I here all of that and it'll be interesting to see what happens then I'm excited to see if that happens you know what I mean like what I would say what I will do you're relentless like Eddie Hearn Yeah, yeah He's one of the most relentless characters I've ever met And he told me, you know, he's just working for that day To sell his to sell Matroo And I asked him why he wants to sell Matum If it's making him happy And he goes, well, we were never supposed to be here And it sounds a lot like what you say to me And then he goes, what I'm going to do Is I'm going to sell Matum 5 billion Then I'm going to go to the beach And smoke my cigar And I said, Eddie, you're not No, but Yeah, I'm not trying to do that I get that I love what I do but like take matrim for example right this is me going on and rant again I look at DeZone I look at what Matron are doing I'm like you guys are fucking geniuses this is great why am you not coming for me what are you waiting for UFC had Joe Rogan I've got a fucking huge podcast audience every video I do about fighting gets loads of views my production quality my shows you know they've tried to copy my shows no offence but I know I mean I can say the way they try get a round table going.

[572] They got Joella in there and stuff like that.

[573] I see what they're doing.

[574] Good on them.

[575] You know, it looked all right.

[576] But we just come for the real McCoy, pays the money and I'll fucking, I'll make you guys, I'll help you out.

[577] You know what I mean?

[578] There might be an issue of being dependent then on you, right, for brands?

[579] Because if you're the main event, one day if you decide to cut the brand.

[580] But look at what Joe Rogan did with the UFC.

[581] It was a perfect marriage.

[582] His podcast had the fighters on.

[583] he told the stories for the fighters he helped promote them they then go back into the UFC they're now more relevant they get more pay -per -view buys and it's a symbiotic relationship there where you give me the fight you give me Anthony Joshua the new Anthony Joshua you need to build them up and I tell the story better than he could himself I helped make a documentary on him better than he could himself I'm king of content and I help you out on that like I don't know I just feel like I've got all these fucking skills and I'm sitting here making my own stuff but like with a budget imagine what i made the rebuild me and two other guys made the rebuild like it was good but imagine if i actually had a fucking netflix budget you know what i mean like why don't you take investment then uh i i would consider it but it would have to be from the right person who understood what the goal was and actually backed me but unfortunately because i've had those previous issues where companies have tried to um get me to sign over my ip for fucking peanuts, putting a gun to my head and shit like that.

[584] And I've had multiple people try and do that.

[585] It's made me very wary, you know.

[586] It would have to be a big amount of money and a good long -term partner.

[587] So, you fancy it?

[588] No, I genuinely, I've always looked at what you do, and you know this anyway, and I've always thought that you had been undervalued.

[589] And I tend to believe that.

[590] And because you do, you've been the king of what you do for a long time.

[591] I'm not blowing smoke up your ass.

[592] You know this anyway.

[593] I appreciate it, though.

[594] No, but you know it's true.

[595] And other people who aren't as good because they're packaged as these, like, big media companies, they're getting the big seven, eight -figure contracts.

[596] It's fucking destroys us, man. Yeah.

[597] Destroises.

[598] When I hear, I'm just going to fucking say it.

[599] When I hear, fucking got a massive fucking deal with Budweiser or anyone.

[600] We'll bleep that, bleep because they'll fucking take me to court.

[601] It destroys us because I'm just like, you guys are putting out shit content.

[602] You don't get any views.

[603] Randomly, your video, one video's got 10 ,000 views the next video's got 5 million no one asked anything no one at Budweiser double check in that like I ain't that and I'm sure there's some back scratching going on behind closed doors where someone went to eating where there's other fucking mate and I'm not invited to these business dinners but if you actually want to sell some shit and you actually want to make a fucking buzz and you want to kick us on the next world cup or whatever we do the content we are I can tell you've, you've had this.

[604] It's because we, me and my team work so hard.

[605] It's not just me either, you know what I mean?

[606] We're all like grafting constantly.

[607] My editor, for example, this kid works to like four in the morning fucking regularly, you know, to give everything.

[608] And someone's got to pay for that one day.

[609] Like I've got to get my end result from that, you know?

[610] We do.

[611] because it won't I'm very loyal to them and we're all deserve that do you know what I mean that moment of look at what we've built you know when I see Spotify signing they've just signed the girl in the America call her daddy yeah right they give her a fucking huge contract I'm like look at her views what the fuck am I doing over here like I don't know what it is man I don't know what it is but do you think I'm right when I say it's because you've not packaged yourself as a media company that you're Well, I think all her daddy had a lot of help from Barstool.

[612] And obviously Barstool being a huge company in America.

[613] They packaged her well and put her on the map and stuff.

[614] And we've had to do everything.

[615] Like, when you met me, I was in a fucking bomb shelter, bro.

[616] I paid a toothless Russian man 50 pounds a day for a sweaty bomb shelter because that's all I could afford when I met you in 2017.

[617] Because a company had sat me, a company had let me go because they quote unquote I'm not brandable and they couldn't make money out of me because they couldn't sell me properly because of the way I was and I was on 50 quid a day paying rent for the studio and that studio was fucking horrible but now poker stars beats by trade gym shock and Twitch apparently think are marketable so I proved that fucker wrong didn't I sometimes it does feel good to prove people wrong Steve do you know what I mean but that's not the goal the goal's the bank balance Proving him wrong.

[618] And he said I wasn't sellable.

[619] I've competed with a company before when I was in the bomb shelter for a sponsorship, which was a six -figure sponsorship deal, and they were a 20 million pound company and I beat them.

[620] You know what I mean?

[621] So to say I've come up from nothing's the understatement of the fucking century and I just, I need to get at that point where I'm content like yourself.

[622] I just hope and pray and I think this is what I keep, you can hear me keep coming back back to it is I just hope that you don't believe too much in you getting there and finally being completely happy and content.

[623] I don't.

[624] I'm aware of what you're saying.

[625] And I've had plenty money before and I've had the adrenaline dump of bloody driving a fast car and all that.

[626] You can live anywhere in the world.

[627] You can drive any car in the world.

[628] If the people around you aren't who you want to be around, if you yourself on content, it doesn't matter because I wanted to kill myself in a situation where many people would have felt like it was the best thing and all of that.

[629] And I'm aware of what you're saying.

[630] I just want it all.

[631] I want the content, peaceful, happiness, nice people around me, and I want the money.

[632] Life's a good ride in it, so I might as well go for it.

[633] I think it's possible.

[634] Do you want to know something that's funny?

[635] Do you know what, during that week of hell I had?

[636] I remember I was just sat there.

[637] I was like, I think I was having no whiskey at the time.

[638] And this is what, like, a dark sense of the humor.

[639] I remember thinking, hey, this is so fucked, isn't it?

[640] But what a ride.

[641] Like, there was just a bit of me that was like, this is a fucking story.

[642] And that's Jesus.

[643] Like, you know what I mean?

[644] Like, you know what I mean?

[645] Yeah, you just got a laugh and go.

[646] hey my life is not fucking boring if anything like it was like you know got to laugh at it sometimes I'm you your fitness stuff at the moment I've been getting very into health and fitness yeah I've seen that yeah you're looking shredded thank you bro yeah I'm on his friends on his close friends yeah yeah yeah I say I see the stories other people don't see is I getting cut as well how's that how's that how's that um impacted your life just having You know, you've started boxing and you've started working out a lot and you're looking good.

[647] Thank you.

[648] Yeah.

[649] How has that had an impact on your mental health?

[650] Be honest with me. It's great in terms of like making you feel better and you have a great workout and you get the endorphins and stuff.

[651] But also weirdly, there's the, if I have a bad week, I feel worse about it.

[652] Like if I have like a week where I haven't trained or I've put weight on and stuff like that, me go, I'm let myself down here.

[653] You know what I mean?

[654] I need to fucking soak myself out.

[655] It's supposed to be a gym shot athlete.

[656] You know what I mean?

[657] So now there's more pressure on it, if anything, but...

[658] Are you going to fight?

[659] You've got a fight.

[660] I don't know who because you're massive, but...

[661] I think I might do something like a charity boxing match at some point.

[662] Something that isn't like what the YouTubers do.

[663] I'd rather...

[664] I'm sparring quite a lot now.

[665] I'm getting some like heavyweight sparring in with like I'm going to get some pros to spar with me and stuff like that and really push myself I feel like what a lot of these YouTube boys do is they call someone out and then learn how to fight whereas I'm actually just learning how to fight because I enjoy it and also because I'm dedicated to what I do like if you look at my analysis on fighting three four years ago when I did Logan Paul KSI one or Joe Weller KSI and then look at what I can do now when I break a fight down it is looking so much better now.

[666] And I think a lot of the, to be fair, a lot of the boxing and MMA fans, although they always disagree with you.

[667] I think a lot of them are recognising, like, this guy's getting punched in the head just to learn fighting so he can do better videos.

[668] And that's real dedication.

[669] So that's my actual goal, to be better on camera.

[670] But I do love fighting, for whatever reason.

[671] It just brings out this, all the things about me that I've probably showed in this podcast or they come out in the ring when you're being challenged and wanting to quit but keeping going anyway like I think every entrepreneur has that in them really they're all fighters they're just doing it in a different way but when you're in a boxing ring it really brings that out of you and it gives you some sort of self -worth and self -esteem because I got that when I was at my lowest point really my depression all of a sudden it was like yeah I am tough so I'm not just a big lad I'm hard as fucking nails me you know and it give me a lot of give me a good thing in the time I really needed it so if I was to do a fight it would probably I'd rather do it like a social club where everyone's getting pissed drinking pints and a live street on my own channel or something and donate everything to charity rather than making it a like spectacle yeah and I'd rather fight a real amateur fighter who I respect he respects no trash talk shake hands we'll have a pint together afterwards and, you know, just something like that, really.

[672] When you were going through that depressive period and you started boxing, I noticed that you stopped podcasting as much and you talked about how that was to do with money, but I...

[673] Yeah, it was also mental health.

[674] It's hard to do with a two -hour podcast.

[675] Even now, I'm in a much better place now, but it still comes out.

[676] I don't talk about it because it was my state of mind and obviously this was a podcast about my life, but when you're really rock bottom, I could get on, and we do these comedy events, videos for those who haven't seen them called True News, where we basically look at the news and we just rip the piss out of it.

[677] And, you know, people like Piers Morgan and the like, they get a lot of stick of us.

[678] And I can do that because we can edit it down.

[679] It's me and Lawrence.

[680] We're laughing and joking.

[681] And then afterwards, you know, you switch off and you go back to being normal.

[682] When you're podcasting, there's really no way to hide.

[683] And that's what I love about podcast is like you really do get a good idea of who someone is if they podcast regularly it's hard to hide it's hard to pretend you know and that's why i didn't do it because i knew i couldn't lie to the i didn't want to lie to the audience i didn't want to i'd rather come out and do like a month later in when i'm feeling up to it and tell them what i've been going through so for example when like i say like my mom died i never mentioned it or when when my dad went through um his um suicide attempt I only did a podcast on it once I knew he was all right and once that moment had been and gone.

[684] It's difficult when you're a podcaster and you're living a life to pretend like this isn't happening to you.

[685] You also turned off all the comments on your social media channels.

[686] I was just thinking then.

[687] I was like, yeah.

[688] I realized I can't respond to your tweets or I can't reply to Instagram.

[689] You know what?

[690] That's an interesting one, isn't it?

[691] Because it's something no YouTuber ever does because it's bad for engagement and I did that on a couple of YouTube videos as well and they still trended in the top 10 in the world and I realize well that's bollocks then oh you need comments for engagement no you don't actually and you know when you're watching something on Netflix you're not like I need to comment on this so why is the comment such a big deal but mainly I got to a point where mentally I realized this wasn't helping me and for all I get lovely comments and shout out with the fans you know they make us who we are the negative ones were so nasty at times it made me just think I don't need any of these and there's that old fucking poem is it Rudyard Kipling treat these two impostors just the same you know treat people who who praise you and people who criticize you, I just thought, you can all keep your comments because I'm going to do what I'm going to do regardless, to be honest with you.

[692] The numbers, you're watching it, cool.

[693] But for my own mental health, I don't want to hear it, right?

[694] Watch it, enjoy it, don't watch it, don't enjoy it, vote with your feet.

[695] I don't need to read this stuff right now because it ain't helping me. So, you know, a lot of people, even people in my team were like, oh, you know, you shouldn't do this, shouldn't do that.

[696] And I was like, bro, if you're going to sit and troll through these, troll through these comments and delete them all that was the night, cool.

[697] But if you're not, I'm turning them off.

[698] And it's, it's really helped me that.

[699] It's because, because it's like, I put a tweet out.

[700] I put an Instagram post out.

[701] I put an, and I'm not going, what are the comments in?

[702] Are they good?

[703] Are they bad?

[704] I just go, fuck it.

[705] Do you know what I mean?

[706] Like, the video is the video.

[707] And that's who I really am because I truly, I don't want to sound like it's a weird thing to say I don't give a fuck but like I do give a fuck in a way if that makes sense like I want you to enjoy it but if you don't enjoy it cool but if you're then going to try and insult me for it or say anything bad about me I'm not interested you know what I mean because I know I'm a good person I know I look after the people around me I know I've got a lot of qualities and I don't need you guys tearing me down right now so that's sort of the way I look at it, just...

[708] It's so...

[709] One would say it was...

[710] It's not surprising to me because I think I've spent a long time talking to people on this topic, but it would be surprising to someone viewing in thinking, you know, true Jordy, big man, you know, says he doesn't give a fuck, swears down the camera all the time and then for him to be affected by the comments on Instagram, it feels like a...

[711] It feels, it's not, but it feels like a contradiction, doesn't it to the outside person who's viewing in but then as okay so to be absolutely brutally honest then to really narrow it down for somebody who might think that there is a contradiction it's like um i don't mind whether you like me or hate me i'm actually fine with that but if you insult me that will hurt my feelings so i'm choosing not to listen to either side because i truly don't care if you like me or hate me you know what i mean i don't care i just don't want to hear it because then I will care and I don't want to have to do that and that's the truth you know what I mean and I'm comfortable with that reality of some people will like me some people won't like me and I think to be as honest I have from day one and just be like fuck it put it out there like that I'm not I'm not trying to make people dislike me if anything I want to make people enjoy life forget about their problems have a laugh and it's probably as passionate as I've come across here sometimes I'm really like a lighthearted person and surprisingly I think one of the main things people say about me when they get to know me is I'm actually really chilled out off camera but when the camera comes on I know it's time to fucking do what I do and it's like the volume goes up and the opinions become more powerful more passionate more definitive you know what I mean and I don't know that's just what I've learned to do yeah it's what I've come to learn about you as well I think the first time I met you, I remember thinking, God, this is such a, such a soft, nice, kind, gentleman.

[712] I am soft as shit, actually.

[713] But then there's this exterior, which is, can be quite, can be quite, like, aggressive at times.

[714] And it comes back to what we started the podcast on, really, is it's that two sides to me. Like, and I kind of called it my mom and my dad.

[715] But, yeah, very much so.

[716] like there's my mom's side of me which makes me the care and compassionate interviewer who can pull things out with people I think other people can't and make people feel like it's okay to share that and then there's the arrogant show off who has a huge ego sometimes and that is my dad's qualities you know coming out with me and I'm lucky to have both of those you know because it is such a weird combo but yeah I guess is that it yeah that's it yeah no I genuinely I've been fascinated by you by you for so long and the more you shared and the more vulnerable you've been online the more it's all started to make sense to some degree right and I'm looking forward to see where we go with it you know because I want to dig deeper I want to I want to be even more vulnerable I want to go further in the future but I got a grow I like the grows a person and then let it come out like in stages because you know like you know how people like us we sort of we're mulling things over on a daily basis like who am i what am i becoming is this the direction i want to go on all these fucking questions and when you do that every single day and you're laying a brick in the house that eventually becomes like the person you are in your life three months to someone like that is a lot they can do a lot so yeah i feel like we can I'm looking forward to finding out that direction and hopefully making a shitload of money as I said that's the if anyone any I know a lot of investors listen to this podcast if you info at truejordy .com if you want to well we'll end it there but no I genuinely do you know crazy things have happened from people that have listened to this podcast so I know that a certain big brand got a very big deal off the back of oh really yeah yeah big probably worth nine figures from the guy that's right podcast finally finally I came out to do you a fop in favour but it could work out for me no but you have you've really done me a favour because you know we just for anyone that's listening we had a guest move till next week and bloody Ben Francis honestly if I wasn't his favourite employee I better be now I tell you I text you I think yesterday or the day before and you've moved things around to be here so I appreciate that and I owe you a big big favour and you didn't have to you know I mean we're all very busy so I do honestly appreciate that I've always got on all right mate and I've always I like obsessive people who are pushing themselves to the limit and I appreciate what you're doing and you've always been respectful of the space that we're in because I feel like you're trying to bridge the gap a bit between mainstream hence the TV show and other stuff but also the space that I come from and you don't talk down to people who are on this side and I think there's a lot of people who are in the mainstream who sort of they just don't know what the fuck we're doing over here and by the time they do it'll be too late and they'll be swallowed by this industry so I'm coming for your jobs I agree man I look at you as a businessman and I genuinely and I'm sure a ton of people watching this will as well I just see and I've always you probably know this I've always seen a massive opportunity because I do think what you do represents the future and I also think the way you present your content and not having the filter also represents the future Because the reason we have watershed and this and the BBC are so scared of everything, even though I'm now on the BBC, is because they, is because of the medium in which we deliver the content TV and schedule.

[717] If you look at Sky social media, they're trying to copy us every step of the way.

[718] Now, they're trying to do what we do.

[719] You know what I mean?

[720] And that's a compliment.

[721] And they're pulling YouTube is in from...

[722] Oh, mate.

[723] All the time.

[724] But when Sky set up their own version of the kickoff, that was the ultimate compliment.

[725] And when it went down in flames within two years, it was an even bigger compliment.

[726] We're going to end the podcast here, but we'll talk offline about, you know, if there's anyway, now I'm a free agent.

[727] Maybe there's some way that I can help you get the value that you've...

[728] Oh, man, imagine you were the guy who finally sold True Jordy to the mainstream and made it all happen.

[729] If you can do that, then you'll really prove yourself.

[730] But we'll leave that, we'll let Steve Bartlett go and do his Dragon's Den thing for now.

[731] Okay, but if you really want to say if he's good, can he sell True Jordy?

[732] Well, that sounds like a challenge.

[733] I love how I'll play with your ego a little bit, just to see it.

[734] If you know me as well, I'll be going upstairs and like, yeah.

[735] No, well done on the drug.

[736] I appreciate it, mate.

[737] Thank you, Brian.

[738] Amazing, isn't it?