Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Father's here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can be friends, can tell that we are gonna be friends.
[1] Please welcome Mr. Conan O 'Brien.
[2] Room tone and you gave it to me. Now get the fuck out of here.
[3] Please have a seat.
[4] That was insane.
[5] Very much.
[6] Welcome to day 75 of the Netflix is a joke.
[7] 140 days of comedy special.
[8] 55 comedians a day for 15 weeks.
[9] So much more comedy than anybody wants.
[10] I think at the end it's just the same comics at the beginning with mustache is on.
[11] That's just my theory.
[12] but very happy to be here.
[13] I don't know why we're here.
[14] We do a show on Max, so, yeah.
[15] Honestly, think, I honestly think Netflix doesn't know we're on Max.
[16] I'm not kidding.
[17] They're like, we're really excited for the show.
[18] It's doing great.
[19] I'm like, okay.
[20] We want you to be part of our big Netflix.
[21] 19 weeks of every comedian that's ever been born.
[22] God, look at this.
[23] place.
[24] I have performed in many venues, and I've never been in this one before.
[25] This is the Orphium Theater.
[26] This is gorgeous.
[27] Look at this.
[28] This is a lot of pressure, this room.
[29] We'll get to you in a minute.
[30] This is a lot of pressure.
[31] This is a lot of pressure.
[32] This is a jewel box.
[33] This is a massive, gorgeous vaudeville jewel box, and I feel we should be like staging lay mis here.
[34] Seriously, we should be doing something that has like 55 people having a battle on stage and instead we're doing a podcast We have the most beautiful theater One of the most beautiful theaters in the world Just so you can hear Sona call me a dick Look at this, opera boxes What did you people think you were coming to see?
[35] You're in opera boxes I've never been in an opera box my whole life Lincoln was in one once You guys are in an opera box Did you bring those lorgnettes Those glasses You can peer at the other ladies Ooh Sona called him a dick We're canceling our season tickets Incredible Is that the same?
[36] So that they're just the same Is it extra to be in an opera box Or it's just luck of the draw How does it work?
[37] Speak to me, God damn it!
[38] 175 ,000 comics on Netflix, this seven -month period.
[39] What's that, Stubhub?
[40] I just love, that's the world we've come to.
[41] Do you know what I mean?
[42] That's the world we're in right now.
[43] You're sitting in an opera box and just went, Stubhub, I pressed the button on Stubhap.
[44] Kings and Queens should be sitting there.
[45] But the king couldn't figure out Stubhub.
[46] You guys are amazing.
[47] What a fantastic crowd, and you're here.
[48] I love you, too.
[49] I really do love you.
[50] I'm saying that now.
[51] I've never said that to my wife.
[52] She calls me a good earner.
[53] Uh, there's two empty seats right here.
[54] What's going on?
[55] What's that?
[56] Well, what's the policy here?
[57] I think someone should be sitting in those seats.
[58] Not one of you, someone very wealthy.
[59] A bubble who can pay us millions of dollars to sit there.
[60] So I can spend it on a gold helicopter.
[61] Don't you understand?
[62] how show business works.
[63] No, we should seriously put people in these two seats.
[64] And I think it should be, I think, go way to the back.
[65] Go to some people that really got screwed over way in the back.
[66] Way in the back.
[67] I command you, come forward.
[68] And you can be even closer when Sona calls me a dick.
[69] See?
[70] Hey, quick shout out.
[71] My trainer's in the audience tonight.
[72] Jim, where are you?
[73] Stand up.
[74] You hear?
[75] The guy, stand up.
[76] There he is.
[77] That I look like this.
[78] Jim Lubinsky.
[79] name is the lube that is not a joke and i'll tell him before we go on a run i'll be like i'm sore and he's like how can the lube help it's disgusting i mean i have answers but i don't want to go into him lub i'm getting a workout and thanks to you i look exactly how old i am listen we have so much show to get to but before we do i have to talk to you about this band i i've been asked i've been asked by many people, many people have asked me, what is it you miss most?
[80] Do you miss anything about doing the late night show every night?
[81] And I said, I loved it.
[82] I did it for 28 years.
[83] I thoroughly enjoyed it.
[84] I like what I'm doing now.
[85] I don't miss anything except I miss the band.
[86] I miss you guys.
[87] I miss you every day.
[88] Jimmy Vivino is our fearless leader.
[89] On Keys, Scott Healy.
[90] Those two guys were with me all those years.
[91] They heard every shitty monologue joke.
[92] On drums, Andy Seney is here.
[93] And straight from the Old Testament on bass.
[94] Lee Sclar is here.
[95] Lee's an amazing guy.
[96] He is one of the best bass players in the world.
[97] And also, I think he's been in every third R. Crum comic.
[98] And I...
[99] That's an unbelievable beard.
[100] And you know what's disappointing?
[101] It ties on in the back.
[102] That's the sad part.
[103] Let me bring out two people who...
[104] make my life a joy.
[105] I'm talking about my attorney and my agent.
[106] No, I have, this podcast has been a revelation to me. We've been doing it over five years now, and I, it's, I hope it comes through, but I don't know when I've enjoyed anything more than just screwing around this podcast.
[107] And these two people always surprise me and make it so much fun.
[108] Son I'm obsessedian, Matt Garley.
[109] Very nice intro.
[110] That was nice.
[111] That sure was, you, dick.
[112] Yeah.
[113] And the opera boxes are emptying out.
[114] That's incredible.
[115] I haven't played this theater before, but it's absolutely gorgeous.
[116] Yeah.
[117] 1924, it was purchased.
[118] It was built.
[119] I don't know why I said it was purchased.
[120] It was built in 1772.
[121] And then purchased, yeah.
[122] I think we have a fantastic show tonight.
[123] I'm very happy to be part of this festival, even though we clearly don't belong.
[124] Yeah.
[125] And I want to thank everyone for coming to a show.
[126] I don't think our listeners across the world understand how difficult it is to get to a show downtown in Los Angeles.
[127] A lot of people here tonight, and I just want to point this out, a lot of people here had to begin their journey 19 days ago.
[128] Many people didn't make it.
[129] They used pack mules and horses.
[130] It is amazing to get all the way down here, and people did it.
[131] I told, no, you don't think so?
[132] that bad.
[133] Sorry.
[134] Okay, you just undercut everything I said.
[135] I know, I completely deflated your whole joke, but it's just, it's not that bad.
[136] There's actually a lot of different ways you could take public transportation, you could drive, there's a lot of different...
[137] Wait a minute, those little lime scooters, you know?
[138] So you took public transportation to get here?
[139] No, I didn't.
[140] She actually bummed a ride with me. Yeah, you could.
[141] So you two came together?
[142] Yeah.
[143] Okay, all right.
[144] Do you do those lime scooters?
[145] I picture you on a lime scooter.
[146] What do you mean, do I do them?
[147] Do you fuck the scooter?
[148] Do you ride around on those?
[149] I see you doing it.
[150] I see you with your two feet looking all like, ooh, I'm in Larchmont, you know?
[151] No. Do you do that?
[152] No, you're the one that put us in Larchmont.
[153] I know.
[154] I like it there, but I'm not going to ride one of those scooters around.
[155] People wouldn't have it.
[156] I don't either.
[157] Okay.
[158] I've scootered.
[159] Really?
[160] You got to be careful.
[161] What do you mean?
[162] No, I mean, like you're very clumsy.
[163] Yeah, you do, but you get scooter.
[164] It's a scooter -friendly town.
[165] I want to see our bass player on a scooter.
[166] Wouldn't you see that beard?
[167] Leeland Squar.
[168] Flowing in the wind?
[169] Wouldn't that just be incredible?
[170] So aerodynamic.
[171] People would think, oh my God, God is back and he's on a lion's scooter.
[172] God came back to Earth to save us and look what he's spending his time doing.
[173] Instead of all the problems we have in the world, well, time to solve all the, huh?
[174] Well, that seems reasonable, swipe.
[175] I don't know.
[176] I've got, I take seven limos to work.
[177] They're all tied together, so I burn more fossil fuels.
[178] Hi, I'm an asshole.
[179] I'm so sorry.
[180] You think there's like a card reader on the scooter?
[181] It's possible?
[182] Oh, is this one of those things where I'm exposed as not knowing what's going on?
[183] Well, trust me, on the Lime Scooter I used, you swipe.
[184] Okay.
[185] Yeah.
[186] All right.
[187] Yeah, you're exposed because no one knew you were out of it before.
[188] I know.
[189] Okay, laugh it up, you two.
[190] Laf it up.
[191] You are a dick.
[192] Yeah.
[193] What the fuck?
[194] You, what's you?
[195] This, you right there, you applauded me being a dick.
[196] I've proven I have the power to move people in their seats.
[197] I could snap one finger.
[198] And you'd be one row behind and slightly to the left.
[199] I won't do it.
[200] I promise.
[201] No, no. Well, okay.
[202] You may live.
[203] God, the power.
[204] Power, what else can you do with that?
[205] I don't know.
[206] I'm just telling you.
[207] This is, I get a big crowd like this, and I get all excited.
[208] I won't sleep for weeks after this.
[209] I know, I know.
[210] I get, I get revved up by a crowd.
[211] Yeah.
[212] I'm going to be ready to party after this.
[213] And by party, I mean, have aspirin and go to bed.
[214] After watching an old lawn order.
[215] Yeah, this is fun.
[216] My family's here.
[217] So you have to be, you have to be nice to me. I know.
[218] When you say your family's here, A picture everybody.
[219] Every single person is in the audience.
[220] That's true.
[221] Yeah.
[222] Yeah, no. So you have to be nice to me is what I'm saying.
[223] I do not have to be nice to you.
[224] Yes, you should.
[225] People don't like that.
[226] It's been proven.
[227] People like it when we get into it, when we're totally ourselves, when you reveal some of your, you know, flaws.
[228] People like that.
[229] People love that about the podcast.
[230] Okay.
[231] All right.
[232] Shoplifter.
[233] Oh, it's been a long time since I did that.
[234] Oh.
[235] You can't keep bringing it up.
[236] Every Manson member said that in prison.
[237] Oh.
[238] It's been since 69.
[239] You chopped up 75 people.
[240] It's been a while.
[241] No, I'm not equating your shoplifting with the Manson.
[242] You are.
[243] Yes, you are.
[244] That is exactly what you're doing.
[245] You know what?
[246] That's exactly what I'm doing, and I apologize.
[247] Oh, you do?
[248] No, I don't.
[249] Okay.
[250] I didn't think so.
[251] I'm excited for our show.
[252] I really am.
[253] I think we have a good one.
[254] I think we have a good one.
[255] It's going to be fun.
[256] You know, I don't know if we should other matters that need to be discussed.
[257] Well, there are.
[258] Actually, there's an announcement we have about something coming out, very special.
[259] You know what?
[260] I'm so glad you reminded me. Thank you.
[261] I'm pregnant.
[262] It's possible.
[263] It is.
[264] It's not.
[265] Who knows?
[266] I'm very fertile.
[267] I don't know.
[268] Stop wooing him.
[269] What are you guys doing?
[270] Yeah, what is this?
[271] You know, you're going to You know, these are edited by Matt Gorley, who's a genius.
[272] He has a special machine that he invented that removes woos and turns them into, I hate you, Conan's.
[273] You've never listened so you don't realize that Sona and I get all the laughs and you're just chirps, cricket chirps.
[274] I don't listen to the podcast.
[275] I like to make it, but I'm not one of those people.
[276] I will, at Sirius XM, I will listen to that and I'll check it out.
[277] but I don't do that but my brother's even my brother Neil won't listen to the podcast at all and he says well I don't know how to do that I mean it's the easiest thing in the world and he won't listen to it because to him it's like no something comes on NBC CBS or ABC at you know 11 o 'clock and that's how it works no you don't just swipe you do you swipe you just go up to a radio and you swipe it and then it plays a podcast oh healer you're laughing it up huh you're fucking up Everyone's laughing at you.
[278] Everyone's laughing at me. But anyway, I asked him the other day, like, we have this Max show, and it's been really fun, you know, it's been getting a very nice reception.
[279] And I asked my brother, Neil, like, have you checked it out?
[280] And he went, we don't have Cinemax.
[281] And I said, it's not Cinemax.
[282] You're my brother.
[283] You watched every late -night show I did for 28 years.
[284] And he's like, I don't think we have it.
[285] I don't know.
[286] Forget it.
[287] Anyway, I'm not bitter at all.
[288] I've got exciting news.
[289] And when I say I've got exciting news, you better believe it.
[290] Check this out.
[291] He turns to cards.
[292] Hey!
[293] I already said that part.
[294] We are pressing a second edition of our highly sought after Conan O 'Brien needs a friend Quinquennial Celebration vinyl album.
[295] Yes.
[296] There it is.
[297] Wow, raw enthusiasm.
[298] Now, screw you, it's too late.
[299] We're unpressing.
[300] Screw you.
[301] I love a noddy.
[302] I'm yelling at the crowd.
[303] Screw you.
[304] It's a real push -pull with you in the audience.
[305] I know, I can't help it.
[306] I love you guys.
[307] Screw yourselves!
[308] The team Cocoa Vinyl contains Never Before Heard Comedy Bits and Fulishness that doesn't exist anywhere else because why would it?
[309] This limited edition Orange Vinyl, this one's Orange.
[310] Yeah.
[311] Oh, you're trying so hard to make up.
[312] is limited to 5 ,000 copies.
[313] Oh, my God, these things are going to be like those coins that my parents bought.
[314] Oh, the Franklin Mint coins?
[315] Franklin Mint coins that have like Jimmy Carter on them.
[316] Then you find them later on in the attic and they're worthless and they have chocolate inside.
[317] Anyway, I'm really hyped in this vinyl.
[318] There should be.
[319] Then I'd have one.
[320] Hey, you got to check these out.
[321] These things went like hotcakes last time.
[322] That's right.
[323] Meaning they cooled quickly.
[324] and only tasted good for about three minutes.
[325] I'm serious.
[326] These are a highly sought after item.
[327] A real collector's disc.
[328] Be sure to follow...
[329] Shut up.
[330] Be sure to follow at Team Coco on social.
[331] And look for QR codes in the lobby to order yours after the show.
[332] Just walk up to the QR code and swipe your card.
[333] Never used a QR code?
[334] Of course I've used a QR code.
[335] Walk me through how it went.
[336] You hold your camera up to it, because that's the way all menus were during the old COVID times.
[337] Most of you don't remember.
[338] But when I was a child, there was this pestilence called COVID, and you'd say, I'm still going to go to a restaurant and breathe everyone else's air, but I can't touch a menu that never made sense to me. Waiter would come up.
[339] I'd like a menu.
[340] They spread desserts.
[341] Well, now the whole office.
[342] You guys are in the splash, though, there.
[343] No, no, no, no. You're like the Gallagher of disease.
[344] No, I am not, that's terrible.
[345] Gallagher was the disease of disease.
[346] God rest his soul.
[347] There, that fixed everything.
[348] He dead?
[349] Listen, I hate to put a kill on this, but we got to, we got to cover some business.
[350] I was on a great COVID run.
[351] Yeah, keep going.
[352] It's not fresh or anything on everybody's mind.
[353] Lay it on me. What's going on?
[354] Before we get into the main part of our show, we have some business we have to take care of.
[355] That's true.
[356] I did hear about this.
[357] I don't know much about it.
[358] I was told just before the show, these are not as well prepared, you can probably imagine, as you might think.
[359] But we were told that we have a sponsor who wants to come out and pitch in person.
[360] Usually we just read the sponsored ad, but we have a sponsor who wants to read in person.
[361] And I guess this is a very important service.
[362] I don't know much about who this is or what's going on.
[363] They told me it was a little bit of a surprise, so let's find out.
[364] Yeah.
[365] I'm Dr. Arroyo.
[366] You may have seen me indoors on a recent episode of Hot Ones with Sean Evans.
[367] Sean Evans and his guest.
[368] But tonight, tonight I'm here to talk to you.
[369] If you're looking for high -quality, affordable health care, or just affordable health care, I can help you.
[370] Have you ever gone to a doctor with a health concern only to be told it was nothing?
[371] You paid a lot of money to be told it was nothing.
[372] I'll tell you it's nothing for just $19 cash.
[373] Hello, I'm Dr. Arroyo.
[374] You said that.
[375] I know.
[376] And for just $19 cash, I'll conduct a medical exam, check your vital signs, and say the reassuring phrases you came to.
[377] a doctor to hear.
[378] Phrases like, it's harmless.
[379] That goes away on its own.
[380] And you should see my leg.
[381] Now, you may ask, who am I to give medical advice?
[382] I'm Dr. Arroyo.
[383] I graduated from one of the top doctor schools in the country it was in.
[384] And just this week, WebMD put me on their list of doctors to watch.
[385] I keep medical costs low by conducting exams alfresco in low -traffic outdoor areas like alleys and bus shelters, underground parking garages.
[386] That's it.
[387] I know when the guard has to take a whiz.
[388] Of course, if your problems persist, by all means, get a second opinion from a fancy indoor doctor, but get your first opinion from me for just $19 cash.
[389] For years, A -list celebrity hypochondriacs like Conan O 'Brien have been coming to me for their first opinion, and I've been right so far.
[390] Let me be right so far with you.
[391] Don't take my word for it.
[392] Here's Conan himself to vouch for my services.
[393] Conan?
[394] No one told me I was part of this.
[395] I know.
[396] It would help out a lot.
[397] No, no, I am not going to vouch for you.
[398] I'll give you $19.
[399] No. I'm good for that.
[400] You put a stethoscope on my tongue.
[401] Yes, I did.
[402] Yes, I did.
[403] It was the only way to get you to stop talking.
[404] Okay.
[405] No, I am not going to endorse you.
[406] He's the best doctor in L .A., the best doctor in L .A. The best doctor in L .A. No, I'm not endorsing you.
[407] I'm worried about the legal ramification.
[408] of me endorsing you?
[409] I'll defend you.
[410] Okay.
[411] You're barely a doctor and I know you're not a lawyer.
[412] Neither are you.
[413] Tie game.
[414] Great point.
[415] Why don't we just wrap it out, Dr. Arroyo?
[416] Well, all right.
[417] This is a very hot crowd.
[418] Thank you.
[419] At top doctor schools of the country, it is in.
[420] It is in.
[421] Just having him on stage is like a tacit endorsement for you.
[422] That's troublesome.
[423] And for him, that's more troublesome.
[424] Well, I think we should move on to the crux of the evening, shall we not?
[425] Yes.
[426] I think it's time that we brought out our surprise guest for the evening.
[427] And to do that, I think we should set the tone, set the mood.
[428] So why don't we...
[429] Who is it?
[430] You're about to...
[431] Why don't I take you backstage and we'll talk about it?
[432] That killed me. That ends.
[433] Stop hub!
[434] Okay.
[435] Let's set the tone.
[436] Let's dim the lights.
[437] And yes, let's dim the lights and get the band to play some nice mood music here.
[438] Hello, California.
[439] I'm fucking stoked about being cornered.
[440] Happy to see you, Mr. Riley.
[441] I feel like I kind of shot my wad up there.
[442] I don't have much else to say.
[443] Well, that's fine.
[444] That was enough.
[445] Again, we're just getting room tone.
[446] I have to say, I was thrilled when I found out that you were able to do this.
[447] And this man is shooting.
[448] He's always busy.
[449] he's in high demand, shooting a movie, and then his company called and said, they're not going to let him out for this movie, and this man said, no, no, no, I want to do it, and moved everything so he could be here tonight.
[450] So a lot of people are out of work right now because of your selfish actions.
[451] I have to go back.
[452] There's a whole film crew just sitting around, like not working right now, down the street.
[453] You know, we have a lot to talk about, But it's funny because we've chatted a bunch of times.
[454] We have a bunch of things in common.
[455] It's hard to know where to begin with you because you've had a unique career.
[456] You've just, you've managed to play so many incredible roles and so many different types of roles.
[457] And we're going to get in.
[458] You can't believe I made it this far?
[459] Yeah, that's the old Kevin Neeland.
[460] That's all he ever says to me is I can't believe you made it this far.
[461] And he means it.
[462] But you and I are both from, I'm one of six.
[463] I'm one of six kids.
[464] As am I. Irish Catholic family.
[465] And you are...
[466] One of six.
[467] One of six.
[468] Fifth of six.
[469] Fifth of six.
[470] I was third of sixth.
[471] And I've got...
[472] Do you think birth order makes a huge difference?
[473] Oh, yeah.
[474] Oh, yeah.
[475] The middle ones, which in our families was two through five, are like, hey, I exist.
[476] That was me. Yeah.
[477] And that was me tonight, too.
[478] That's my whole life story is, look at me, everyone.
[479] don't write me off and it's been that way since I was a kid you still got it man you still got it Conan I watch you warm up this beautiful crowd this whole podcast thing I love because it's almost like you know when I watched your show on TV I always thought like what's it like when they just sit around and shoot the shit like in the room when they're coming up with ideas that's what you really want to see after a while and here we're getting to see it yeah it's been it's been mistimed woo That's a stub -hub has too much confidence now.
[480] But like, you know, I don't know how much Catholicism played a role in your life growing up, but I know it had a huge, huge influence on me. You might think you're done with Catholicism, but it ain't done with you.
[481] Yeah.
[482] What was your, did you have, did you go to like a Catholic school?
[483] I had to have Catholic instruction where, you know, the nuns had the whole outfit.
[484] fit.
[485] It was insane.
[486] I went to CCD, which I don't even know if they do this anymore, but in Chicago on the south side where I grew up, on Wednesday afternoon, if you were in public school like I was, they would let everyone out of school to go to the Catholic school to learn to be Catholics.
[487] Like the whole afternoon.
[488] And there were like, always like three kids that were like, I'm Arab, Muslim, whatever, like, I guess I'll just sit here and draw pictures while you guys are learning.
[489] learning to be Catholics down the street.
[490] Yeah, so I was the full, full...
[491] Was it strict?
[492] How strict was it?
[493] Catholicism?
[494] No, not Catholicism.
[495] It's known to be rather strict.
[496] I heard it's pretty much whatever you want to do.
[497] You know, in a weird way it is, actually.
[498] As long as you say, I'm sorry.
[499] I'm sorry.
[500] Bless me, father, for I severed someone's head.
[501] I mean, I really think that.
[502] my dad and all his brothers and stuff, like their attitude was like, yeah, I know the church says this and this and this, but, you know, we fuck up, you know.
[503] And so I thought that was kind of a great, you know, I don't know, there was a little bit of flexibility there in practice, but in dogma.
[504] No, no, no. But what about when you went to the school?
[505] Because some people didn't really happen in my era, but I know that there were people that would say, and I think it did happen in my era, but just not in the CCD classes that I went to, but they said that, oh, the nun would, like, corporal punishment that hit you with a ruler, that kind of thing.
[506] Did you ever see anything like that?
[507] Not at CCD.
[508] Yeah.
[509] Because CCD, you know, we were public school kids, being like, what are you, don't you touch them.
[510] And it was, for the most part, was taught by lay people, believe it or not, that's non -Cathlet, or non -priests or whatever.
[511] You know, I had this one moment where I was like, I don't think I've ever told anyone this publicly, but just between He's a pretty private place.
[512] He said to the opera boxes.
[513] I've been doing plays since I was eight years old, and I always wanted to be on stage.
[514] And at a certain point in CCD, they said, would anyone like to volunteer to be an altar boy?
[515] And I was like, holy shit, it's my chance to get on the biggest stage of all.
[516] God's stage.
[517] Man, sure I'm a stage hand, but I'll be up there.
[518] And I was like, I would like to.
[519] And then the day came when my teacher was like, okay, John, you're going to go see Pastor Rizniewski or whatever his name was.
[520] He's going to talk to you about being an altar boy.
[521] And I was like, just me?
[522] And she's like, yeah, just go to the rectory.
[523] And I was like, oh, okay.
[524] And I went out of that classroom and I walked down some stairs.
[525] And I was like, oh, fuck no. And I went out the door and went home.
[526] I'm not meeting with a man alone.
[527] No, no, no. Not this one.
[528] The wrong kid.
[529] But when I went to Catholic high school, I was taught by the Christian brothers, and they used to beat the shit out of you.
[530] Seriously?
[531] Yeah.
[532] They would wail on you for seemingly innocuous things.
[533] Like would they use their, I mean, I don't want to get too grabbed, but like you were, did you?
[534] Yeah, slav, slav, slap, slap, slap, slum.
[535] Yeah, like that kind of stuff.
[536] You make it look like three stooges, which is less...
[537] It's less toxic when you do that, yeah.
[538] It all seems kind of more fun rather than a child being brutalized.
[539] I don't know.
[540] Laughing up, everybody.
[541] It was like some of them were...
[542] I know, we lived in, okay.
[543] You know you got a good crowd when they're like, a child was hurt.
[544] I'm going to change the tone by saying that you contemplated going to clown college.
[545] You didn't follow through, but you contemplated it.
[546] You must have read my Wikipedia.
[547] I did.
[548] No, I hired someone to do it for me. So I could nap up until 11 minutes ago.
[549] Well, yeah, I went to acting school after college at DePaul University, and then I was like, I was actually speaking of the Catholic Church, when in those early days, when I was a teenager, I was part of clown ministry.
[550] What?
[551] That's not a thing.
[552] It is a thing.
[553] They were tricking you somehow.
[554] Now take off your pants.
[555] No, no. Put on the clown makeup.
[556] No, it wasn't like that.
[557] I actually, you know, to tell you the truth...
[558] And there go the opera boxes.
[559] Plenty of room now.
[560] The truth is, I mean, I took all the best stuff of Catholicism.
[561] I was like, do you want to others?
[562] Yeah, I'm down with that.
[563] And what's all the scary blood of the lamb bullshit?
[564] I don't even know what that is.
[565] I'm just going to ignore that.
[566] I just talk all the positive things.
[567] And I like that.
[568] I like the community of it.
[569] But, yeah, I was in clown ministry, which...
[570] I don't...
[571] I was not insane now, but...
[572] I've never heard it as a segue.
[573] That just doesn't segue.
[574] So they teach you to be a clown.
[575] They actually taught us, like, really how to be clowns.
[576] This is how you do the makeup.
[577] This is the rules of being a clown and everything.
[578] And then we would go to, like, nursing homes or street fairs or whatever.
[579] We were just, wherever clowns were needed, you know.
[580] This is 911.
[581] We need a clown in here.
[582] One car, 70 clowns.
[583] Do you get him down here?
[584] Yeah.
[585] So, yeah.
[586] So anyway, cut to, I go through, I've been doing musicals since I was eight years old, all the way through high school, I did musicals.
[587] Then I went to the series acting school.
[588] And then at the end of that, I was like, what am I going to do?
[589] I kind of want to get out of Chicago.
[590] I'll go to clown college, which was a thing.
[591] It doesn't exist anymore, but the Ringling Brothers Circus had a thing called the clown college down in Florida, and you'd go down there, and they would teach you how to further teach you how to be a clown.
[592] And then you'd join the circus.
[593] You get like a five -year contract with the circus.
[594] And I was like, awesome.
[595] That's like a job for five years.
[596] It's perfect.
[597] And then some guy who actually taught clowning at the acting school pulled me aside.
[598] He's like, did I hear you say?
[599] you were talking about going to clown college?
[600] I said, yeah.
[601] And he's like, you know what happens.
[602] I'm Catholic.
[603] I know already.
[604] No, he said, if you go, sure, they give you free room and board and they teach you how to be a clown, they give you a job.
[605] But you spent about four years shoveling elephant shit in the worst train car of all of them.
[606] It's not, you know, and I was like, okay, never mind.
[607] I'll do theater.
[608] Yeah.
[609] So you chose your profession.
[610] so you didn't have to shovel elephant shit.
[611] It's funny, you did a lot of, I'm sure, dramatic work early on, but you're such a good comic actor.
[612] You do both extremely well.
[613] One of my, I remember when, when, I know you've done so many iconic movies, but one of my favorites that you've done is your role in Boogie Nights.
[614] And I'll tell you why.
[615] Yeah.
[616] I'll tell you why.
[617] it's because I think your relationship with Mark Wahlberg in that movie is maybe one of the best depictions of a friendship that I've ever seen.
[618] Don't you, do you know what I mean?
[619] Like when I see when you guys meet at the pool and you start talking that is one of the best depictions of how a real friendship forms in cinema.
[620] What are you bench?
[621] Yeah, but you know what I mean?
[622] I've always loved that part of the movie and then to watch you go through that whole thing together I thought was the the real heart of the movie.
[623] Thank you.
[624] Thank you very much, Conan.
[625] You know, Paul Anderson used to laugh all the time after the movie was done.
[626] By the way, there's a new 70 -millimeter print of that movie, which if you get a chance to see it, it's a revelation.
[627] But anyway, he goes, you started off the day with Dirk saying, you know, what do you bench?
[628] People tell me I look like hand solo.
[629] By the end of that day, you're saying, want to hear a poem I wrote?
[630] That's a great, but that's a, that's, What an arc in one day.
[631] And then, of course, when you guys are writing a song together.
[632] Oh, yeah.
[633] I always go back to that, and I always want you to, I want to hear more of that song.
[634] Yeah, well, I don't know if you really want to hear more of that song.
[635] No, no, I don't.
[636] You worked with, you've worked with everybody.
[637] You worked with Daniel DeLewis in Gangs of New York.
[638] And I have to ask you about that, because I'm just in awe of that guy and curious, what he's really like.
[639] I've always heard he's extremely method.
[640] Yes, very, very method.
[641] In fact, on that movie, he got pneumonia because he would not wear a warm coat on the set.
[642] He would only wear his costume, and it was freezing cold when we were shooting in Italy, but for some reason he got pneumonia.
[643] Anyway, he had a little son at the time, and I had a little son at the time, and he said, and somehow I got word through intermediaries, Daniel would like to invite you to the house this weekend with your son because his son is here and blah, blah, blah.
[644] I was like, okay, wow.
[645] You could have asked me himself, but okay.
[646] And so I go to this house that he's living in outside of Rome, and he's so lovely.
[647] We walk and he's like, oh, hello, John, would you like a cup of tea?
[648] And now the kids are in the back and is there anything else?
[649] Like the most like gentle, you know, really just hospitable.
[650] guy, you know.
[651] And I was like, wow, I had this guy pegged all wrong.
[652] So the kids play.
[653] We had this lovely time, and I did have a cup of tea with them, and just the most gentle soul.
[654] And then on Monday, I went to work.
[655] And I was like, I'm in with Daniel.
[656] I was at his house this weekend.
[657] Our kids play, you know.
[658] And I saw him, like walking around the dressing rooms, and I was like, Hey, I want to say thanks a lot for the Saturday.
[659] It was really lovely.
[660] And he goes, fuck off, Jack.
[661] He calls me my character's name.
[662] In his accent.
[663] And I was like, oh, right, right.
[664] Never mind.
[665] Never mind.
[666] There's something about that guy.
[667] He has this like, I don't know if I could probably take him or at least get a couple of good shots in.
[668] Sure.
[669] I say that about everybody.
[670] Yeah.
[671] And I'm always wrong.
[672] Now that I think about it, he trained for the box.
[673] or probably, you're probably knocking out immediately, but anyway, but physically you look at him, you're like, I can, I have a shot against that guy, but there's something about him, this violence that's coursing just under the eyeballs, you're like, oh, fuck, I do not want to be in a fight with that guy.
[674] I do not want to fight him.
[675] So he has this menace.
[676] Apparently, he's like making shoes now or something.
[677] I, one of the shows that I shot, this travel show that's, not Netflix, sorry Netflix, but Max.
[678] Netflix is a joke.
[679] Nice!
[680] And they immediately shut us down.
[681] But one of the episodes was in this part, we were in this little town in Ireland on the sea and we're there to shoot something at a lighthouse and someone says, oh yeah, Daniel Day Lewis lives in this town and he makes shoes.
[682] Like the greatest actor in the world and I really wanted to go in there and just buy a pair of shoes from Daniel Day Lewis and then return them five minutes later.
[683] Not quite what I wanted.
[684] Try again.
[685] Take two.
[686] Take two on my loafers.
[687] I really respect that, though, because, you know, in all seriousness, being an actor, you know, if you play the violin, the violin gets a little banged up, gets fucked up, you take it to the luthier, and sorry, I'm swearing a lot if there's children here, you take it to the luthier and they fix the violin but when you're an actor you're the violin and you get knocked around and your heart gets broken and even though you're only you know like when you drink diet coke your body still has a diabetic response because it thinks it's sugar well when you pretend to do traumatic things your body thinks it's real and your soul thinks it's real so there's a lot of baggage so i actually really respect daniel and i completely completely understand the craving for a simpler life where you just work on stuff and no one's asking you to change clothes and, you know, I heard, because I'm such a, you know, a Lincolnophile that on the set of Lincoln, and I thought his depiction of Abraham Lincoln was insanely good, just like the Abe I knew.
[688] Yeah, exactly.
[689] What do you have to compare it to?
[690] I know, I know.
[691] It's so stupid.
[692] Oh, I looked at my money and then I was like, that's good.
[693] Looks like the guy on the insurance company.
[694] That's a fiber.
[695] But, you know, he was just so amazing, but I've always heard that in the death scene, like that he stayed in Lincoln the whole time, and that people were saying things like, you know...
[696] Like they embalmed him, or...
[697] No, no, no, no. He insisted.
[698] He wanted to be embalmed, and they did.
[699] He was very sick for a long time afterwards.
[700] But just, you know, people would say, like, did you see on TV last night?
[701] Well, I don't much about this television you're talking.
[702] You know, he was doing that for months.
[703] I guess, and then he dies at the end of the movie, spoiler alert, and then he had to, like, come out of it, which is so intense.
[704] Yeah, you know, when I was working with him, I thought, like, man, that's a lot of work to do that much off -camera.
[705] Yeah.
[706] But whatever it takes, you know, every actor is different.
[707] Some people can just kind of clown around and then turn it on, and some people need to live it or else they feel like total douche bags.
[708] I don't mind being a douche.
[709] I seriously, I would be the kind of actor.
[710] I'm not an actor, but if I was, I would just be the kind that, just tell me, am I smiling or am I frowning in this scene?
[711] Faster or slower?
[712] Yeah, faster, slower, smiling, or frowning, and have the lines right off camera.
[713] I love you.
[714] I hate you.
[715] And Oscar.
[716] I gotta tell you, it ain't that different than what you just described, I have to say.
[717] I want to talk to you about, about your show, which is incredible.
[718] It's a live show, Mr. Romantic.
[719] That's right.
[720] I know you've been doing it at Largo, which is one of the greatest venues.
[721] You're home away from home.
[722] I love Largo, and you've been doing this show.
[723] And tell me about the show, because it really sounds magical.
[724] Well, Mr. Romantic is a thing I started doing a little over a year ago.
[725] After I finished this big TV job, I was like, I need to do something that means something to me. And I was looking at the world, and I was full of despair and joy.
[726] but mostly despair, let's be real.
[727] Been a real doozy of a couple years, hasn't it, folks?
[728] Yeah, it has been.
[729] Anyway, I thought, what, I'm not good at, like, picketing or whatever, get out the vote thing.
[730] But God bless you if you're doing that, because it's important, but I'm like, what can I do?
[731] And I was like, I can make people laugh, I can dance a little bit, I can sing songs.
[732] So I created this vaudeville show called Mr. Romantic.
[733] And it's essentially like this mythical character that comes out of a box and it says, Hello, I'm Mr. Romantic.
[734] I don't remember what happened before.
[735] All I know is when I come out of, all I know is I have to stay in that box.
[736] And when I come out of that box, I have to put it on a show.
[737] And I don't have to go back into the box if I can get one person to love me forever.
[738] And then I proceed to do this show.
[739] I sing all these unrequited love songs.
[740] and I goof around and go out into the audience and I try to meet people, and I fail over and over again.
[741] But somehow, at the end of it, people walk out feeling like really nourished in their souls, you know?
[742] And that was the whole point of doing it.
[743] So I hope you come see it sometime.
[744] Yeah, there's a lot of, I mean, you're very...
[745] It's kind of an extension of Mr. Salafane.
[746] Yes, I was going to say that.
[747] Mr. Salafane.
[748] And there's a...
[749] One of the theater people at.
[750] Music's a big part of your life.
[751] and I've actually hung out backstage and I've run into you randomly at some music venues where it's just clear like okay we both love music we both love the same kind of music Jack White Jack White I noticed he did you know one of his tunes he must have given you special permission we did but when we started the podcast I thought that is the perfect song for the podcast so had the luxury of having his number and called up and asked if we could do it I sent him a video for my dressing room here complaining about the couch and how it was upholstered.
[752] I don't know if you know, but Jack had an upholstery company when he was younger.
[753] And he was an upholster and apprenticed to an upholster and an upholster for the early part of his life, as most rock musicians are.
[754] And when he retires, that's what he'll go back to do.
[755] Just like Daniel Day.
[756] But you have a band, right?
[757] Yeah, it's a folk band.
[758] Well, yes, that's another band.
[759] I haven't done that in a little while, but John Riley and friends, yeah, we do like bluegrass and old Americana kind of tunes, but I'm fully committed to Mr. Romantic right now, and I do have an amazing quartet of musicians, David Garza, Sebastian Steinberg, Gabe Wisher, who was in The Punch Brothers.
[760] David and Sebastian were on Fiona Apple's last record.
[761] So it's a real crackerjack outfit I got behind me. I haven't heard crackerjack outfit in a very long time.
[762] We're a real crackerjack outfit we are.
[763] Wait until I get to Moxie.
[764] I also want to compliment your style for years now.
[765] Look at this man's style.
[766] Yeah, all right.
[767] Give him the ass, work it.
[768] You know, I was on Ellen DeGeneres once and for some reason that beforehand this is going to cause some fucking viral shit.
[769] I'm warning you.
[770] That's all right.
[771] But I was on Ellen DeGeneres' show and beforehand they asked me in the pre -interview like, what would you say is your best attribute?
[772] like physical attribute and I was like I hate myself I don't I don't have any favorite things and then I was like give him an answer and I was like well a couple people said you have a nice butt you know like and then they asked me like 15 other questions and then I got out there with Ellen and she's like I heard you have quite a nice butt may I see it wow and I was like wait a minute And I stood up on national television and did this.
[773] I was wearing these baggy old jeans.
[774] I looked like I had no butt.
[775] It looked terrible.
[776] But then I walked away from that.
[777] I was like, what if I was a girl and she was a guy?
[778] How would that go down?
[779] But do you have a nice butt?
[780] I do have a very nice butt.
[781] I don't.
[782] I have no ass.
[783] And Sona, you've seen this.
[784] You haven't seen the actual ass.
[785] Wait, I haven't seen the actual.
[786] No, no, no, no. I haven't seen it.
[787] No, I was making it.
[788] Listen, there was a time there.
[789] No. No. No, not that.
[790] There was a time when you were my assistant.
[791] Yes.
[792] When literally you'd be there, I'd be like, you know, whatever.
[793] Boxer briefs or whatever.
[794] And you would say, you have not cleared this up.
[795] What are you doing?
[796] Stop talking.
[797] This is the viral moment right here.
[798] You know what?
[799] You should show everyone your ass so that they know.
[800] No, there's nothing there.
[801] There's no ass.
[802] Oh, it's less.
[803] How's that feel?
[804] I loved it.
[805] It's the only, I felt for the first time validated about my body.
[806] My point, Sona, was that you had a lot of fun about the fact that I clearly had nothing back there.
[807] It's a straight drop.
[808] It might even go in a little.
[809] There's a shelf, and I keep rare coins and Hummel figurines.
[810] Yeah, it's a negative, Yeah.
[811] The Cliffs of Dover.
[812] And just as white.
[813] Chalky White.
[814] Chalky White, right down to the sea.
[815] But you also wear hats.
[816] I'm not a hat guy.
[817] Yeah.
[818] I don't, I just can't, I can't pull off a hat.
[819] You look fantastic.
[820] Thank you very much.
[821] Yeah, well, I always loved hats when I was a kid, which is kind of an actor, a cliche, a little bit, like being into hats.
[822] Like, I, like, I. My dad had this one black felt hat that looked like a robber.
[823] We used to call it the robber's hat.
[824] And when my dad, he kept it into this closet in this very high shelf.
[825] And when he would leave the house, we'd be like, let's play with the robber's hat.
[826] So, I don't know, it was one of those things.
[827] You probably have something like this, like a thing you couldn't have when you were a kid.
[828] And when you got some money, you're like, I'm getting the hats.
[829] You know, like, that was me. For me, it's guns.
[830] Lots of guns.
[831] Yeah.
[832] I have so many.
[833] guns everywhere.
[834] I am definitely not a gun guy.
[835] I remember when I was a kid, I just wanted the nerdiest things.
[836] I mostly wanted like, I want a briefcase to keep papers in.
[837] With a handcuff on the handle.
[838] Yeah, and I wanted, but I had no papers and I also wanted stamps to stamp papers.
[839] Like other kids were out, you know, throwing a football around and I was like, I've got to get through these papers.
[840] And the papers did nothing.
[841] And I was like, stamp, stamp.
[842] I've got some stamps.
[843] And I used to say, I'll be at my desk.
[844] And I was just, my dream was to be a mid -level bureaucrat in like Soviet era Russia.
[845] Yeah, you should have grown up in the Soviet Floss.
[846] Well, we'll see.
[847] We'll come back tomorrow.
[848] I'll talk to the directorate.
[849] Stamp, stamp.
[850] Did you ever have a thing when you were young where you lied about something so much that you started to believe yourself that it was true?
[851] I convinced myself and a number of my friends that I was getting a chimpanzee.
[852] They're like, what?
[853] I'm like, yep, my parents are getting me one for my birthday.
[854] No way, where are you going to keep it?
[855] And I was like, keep lying.
[856] We're going to build a habitat in my bedroom.
[857] And I said it so many times, I was like, I actually am going to get a chimpanzee.
[858] This is a real...
[859] It could happen.
[860] Like, it didn't happen.
[861] And it turns out they're very dangerous once they grow up.
[862] Oh, no. Tear your face off.
[863] Tear your face off.
[864] You can't have a chimpanzee.
[865] No. I did a scene.
[866] Well, I did...
[867] In fact, I think we shot some of it here.
[868] This movie Walk Hard.
[869] Yeah.
[870] This movie Walk Hard.
[871] I had so many crazy days on that movie.
[872] And one day, I made out with Cheryl lad, Cheryl Teigs, a playboy playmate, this is all in the same day, and a chimpanzee.
[873] Wow.
[874] It was a little baby chimpanzee, and it was like this scene where I'm like, oh, you know, I was supposed to be like, I've lost everyone.
[875] All I have left is my monkey, like Elvis or whatever, you know.
[876] Elvis had a monkey called, a chimpanzee called Scatter.
[877] I do know that.
[878] Because he would make everyone run away, reaching up their skirts and stuff.
[879] Anyway.
[880] Gross.
[881] He went to jail that chimp.
[882] Don't worry about it.
[883] No, it's much sadder, actually.
[884] I know this.
[885] I can't believe I know these stories, too.
[886] That's the saddest part.
[887] Everything, the minute you brought up Elvis's chimp, I'm like, yeah, Scatter.
[888] Yeah, I used to lift upskirts and parties.
[889] What happened to Scatter?
[890] Yeah, how did he?
[891] Skatter, froze to death in his cage outside of Graceland because the housekeepers refused to deal with him after a while.
[892] Oh.
[893] But anyway, about my story.
[894] Hold it.
[895] I want to brighten that up just a little bit.
[896] Before Scatter, froze to death.
[897] When Elvis and his Memphis Mafia were living in Beverly Hills, they thought it was really funny.
[898] They bought a tricked -out car that had a fake steering wheel, and they put Scatter behind the wheel, and someone else controlled the car, and they would drive through Beverly Hills, and it looked like Scatter was driving a car, a real car through Beverly Hills, and any chimp that can have that experience, look so he froze to death I still think he had a good good ride thank you and applause and out well I'll try to keep this story I can't believe you you're the only person I know that will talk about this shit with me oh yeah wait till we get to the Beatles they had an alpaca yeah the whole Maharishi scene that was wild so I'm doing this scene and walk hard there's this little chimpanzee and the thing in the script was written like, he's so low.
[899] He's like, all I have left is you bubbles or whatever.
[900] And that was Michael Jackson's chimp.
[901] Don't worry, only happy memories there.
[902] Sweet pee.
[903] Any shot you take hits the mother load.
[904] So this was a very cute, very young chimpanzee with a little pink face and a little, you know.
[905] And I don't know what his name was.
[906] I don't remember now.
[907] but...
[908] Harvey Weinstein.
[909] He's doing it, so why can I throw one out?
[910] Oh, God.
[911] Oh, boy.
[912] I'm not a great name for an animal.
[913] No, so this scene was supposed to be this thing, I'm like, all I have is you.
[914] Thank you for still being my friend.
[915] And we did a couple takes like that, and it was really cute.
[916] And I love chimpanzees, you know?
[917] And Jay Kazan, the director comes up to me, he's like, John, you know, with how cute the chimp is and how sentimental what you're saying is it's like it's like marshmallow on marshmallow it's just not it's not funny it's not really playing how about you go after him so I ended up improvising this line like fuck you scatter all you care about us touching yourself and eating fruit you never supported me either and I suddenly turned in an angry way on this little chimp and he goes like this and then runs away And they were like, oh, we got to do another one.
[918] If I do another, and they're like, a chimp is not hiding in the back of the bus that we're shooting on.
[919] And I know, it was awful.
[920] I felt, believe me. Another chimp froze to death.
[921] This one, this one just got his feelings hurt and's chilling at the back of an air -conditioned bus.
[922] There's proportionality here.
[923] And he wouldn't come back.
[924] And the trainer was like, you have to apologize to him.
[925] And I was like, oh, absolutely.
[926] I'm so sorry.
[927] I'm sorry.
[928] I didn't mean it.
[929] We're still friends.
[930] We're actors, you see.
[931] And that part, he was just like, their eyes, by the way, when you look in their eyes, it's freaky.
[932] Yeah.
[933] It really is like a human, there's human eyes in there.
[934] That way.
[935] I'm so sorry.
[936] I don't know why I reacted like that.
[937] Don't need to apologize.
[938] It's a normal conversation.
[939] What if I, should he have bird -like eyes?
[940] You know.
[941] I don't know.
[942] Anyway, we had to do a couple more takes.
[943] And finally, he kept going, when I would turn on him.
[944] And I was like, why does he keep smiling?
[945] And he's like, that's not smiling, John.
[946] He's about to bite you.
[947] I was like, okay, we're done with that scene.
[948] Anyway, it's in the movie, I think.
[949] But you were never attacked by the way.
[950] No, no, I felt bad, but I made up with him.
[951] He was all right.
[952] Although he's a little like, Who the fuck are you now?
[953] Yeah.
[954] Do you guys ever hang now, now that it's all behind you?
[955] No, I don't think it's really a thing that's allowed anymore.
[956] What?
[957] Honestly.
[958] I think there's laws about animals and the way you can use them in filming situations.
[959] I don't think that's allowed.
[960] And I'm 100 % behind that, by the way.
[961] I thought you meant you're not allowed to befriend an animal?
[962] That's a union rule?
[963] No, you can't, like, keep a baby chimp in a truck and be like, all right, bring them out and have John be mean to him.
[964] You know, that's not allowed anymore.
[965] Yeah, well, better times.
[966] Different times, folks.
[967] I want to make sure I get the word out.
[968] More information and tickets for Mr. Romantic can be found at Mr. Romantic .com.
[969] You know, when we do these live shows in a big venue, I always think you need the right kind of guest.
[970] And when I found out that it was a possibility that you would do it, I was like, thank the Lord.
[971] I would call across broken glass for you.
[972] This is, you're fantastic.
[973] You're a great raconteur.
[974] You're a fantastic actor and you've been a good friend to me and I appreciate it.
[975] Thank you, Connor.
[976] Ladies and gentlemen, there's no one better.
[977] John C. Raleigh!
[978] I do love that, man. I really do.
[979] It took everything in me not to bring up stepbrothers.
[980] I know, I know.
[981] Yeah, because that movie is so important to my life.
[982] It took everything for me not to bring up the first chip that went into space.
[983] What happened to the first chimp that went into space?
[984] Take a guess.
[985] He didn't come back.
[986] I didn't know that.
[987] I think he's still out there.
[988] Yeah.
[989] Well, he is.
[990] He might be alive.
[991] No. Oh.
[992] Wait, you have to, you can't just say that and then move on.
[993] What did you guys do?
[994] The whole time you kept talking about dead chimps?
[995] I didn't know there was a chimp.
[996] Who sent it up there?
[997] The U .S.?
[998] The Soviets?
[999] Who sent it up?
[1000] I think we both did, didn't we?
[1001] We got to do the chimp before.
[1002] What?
[1003] You go, it goes like mouse, dog, chimp.
[1004] Before you do human.
[1005] Right?
[1006] Yeah, you got to, you got to make sure the chip.
[1007] But I thought the chimp's all came back.
[1008] I don't think so.
[1009] I don't think they did.
[1010] No, I'm, you've got, you can't even, I'm not sure.
[1011] Remember this?
[1012] No, I think the chimps came back.
[1013] Did the chimps come back?
[1014] No, they did it.
[1015] What kind of people are you?
[1016] This is Wikipedia.
[1017] Yeah.
[1018] We have a recreation of Wikipedia right here.
[1019] Okay, well, maybe they didn't come back.
[1020] But they, maybe they crashed landed, thought they were safe in Elvis's yard.
[1021] Oh.
[1022] Sorry.
[1023] See, that's kind of one of those O. Henry endings where they think we're okay now.
[1024] And then they freeze to death.
[1025] after being forced to perform at parties.
[1026] Look, I think you're going to think about that on the ride home and really enjoy it.
[1027] You got a chimp.
[1028] It's a chimp.
[1029] And a lot of laughs here, they can't all be winners.
[1030] Okay, well, we have a nice little thing where we have some pre -selected voicemails that we're going to take from my audience.
[1031] These are real voicemails that are going to happen right now.
[1032] Piper.
[1033] Hi, Piper.
[1034] How are you?
[1035] Is it on?
[1036] Oh.
[1037] Yes.
[1038] Yes.
[1039] It would be kind of stupid if it didn't work.
[1040] Yes.
[1041] That would be unfortunate.
[1042] Hi, Piper.
[1043] How are you?
[1044] I'm good.
[1045] How are you?
[1046] This is awesome.
[1047] We're doing...
[1048] Oh, thank you for being here.
[1049] Nice to have you here.
[1050] Yes, amazing.
[1051] Should I just ask the question?
[1052] Sure, yeah.
[1053] It would be you.
[1054] Okay, so nice to meet you.
[1055] First of all.
[1056] Nice to meet you, too, Piper.
[1057] Can I ask where you're from?
[1058] I'm from here, Los Angeles, Culver City.
[1059] Yeah.
[1060] Very nice.
[1061] We love it.
[1062] Fun fact about me, I work at a trendy grocery store called Aeroon.
[1063] I don't know if you've heard of it.
[1064] Yes.
[1065] I've had your $90 carrot.
[1066] Oh, good.
[1067] What'd you think?
[1068] Worth every $90 I spent on it.
[1069] Good.
[1070] I go to Arawan and just look and go like, oh my God, this is incredible.
[1071] That's $47 .99 per minute.
[1072] Exactly, yeah.
[1073] And then you have to co -sign a loan to get, but it's quite fantastic.
[1074] My hats off to this incredible thing you guys have done with food.
[1075] It's a fun time to work there.
[1076] So as an Aeroon employee, I'm curious about your smoothie taste.
[1077] We already have Haley Bieber's skin glaze smoothie, and we also have Olivia Rodrigo's Good for Your Guts smoothie and we might need another one soon.
[1078] Yeah, because everyone wants to know my beauty secret.
[1079] Well, there you go.
[1080] How can I look like Conan O 'Brien without having a car accident?
[1081] I can't wait.
[1082] I can't wait to you guys have a Conan O 'Brien smoothie and then all the 17 - and 18 -year -old women show up.
[1083] Well, that's my question, Conan.
[1084] If they were to make a Conan O 'Brien, what would be the name of it and what would be inside.
[1085] Okay.
[1086] I don't know what, the catechai, yeah, let's call it the catechai.
[1087] I, um, I would just, I would, I would just throw the health thing out the window, I think, if I...
[1088] Oh.
[1089] Yeah, I would just not go for that.
[1090] I would take a whole loaf of bread and grind it down, and then I'd put, like, bolognaise sauce in there.
[1091] Oh, God.
[1092] And Miracle Whip.
[1093] Everything that I had as a kid, you know, and I would just, that I would sit and watch, you know, television in my...
[1094] Cap and Crunch.
[1095] Cat and Crunch with Crunch Berries.
[1096] And I would put all that in there and grind it up.
[1097] But then tell everybody, oh, it's tapioca and it's made of, you know, Gwyneth Paltrow smiled at it.
[1098] And it costs $900.
[1099] And then you eat it, and your cholesterol goes through the roof.
[1100] And you're only 19, but they have to put a stent in your heart.
[1101] That's evil.
[1102] Oh, yeah, I know.
[1103] Who do you think you were talking to?
[1104] St. Mr. Rogers.
[1105] This is Conan of Hot Ones' Conan episode.
[1106] I should have expected.
[1107] Exactly, yeah.
[1108] No, I think it would be a very unhealthy smoothie and probably not worthy of Arawan.
[1109] Well, I'll make sure to tell my manager.
[1110] Thank you.
[1111] I'm sure your manager's a regular fan and we'll hear this.
[1112] Hi, I'm a naive idiot.
[1113] All right.
[1114] Well, very nice to meet you, Piper.
[1115] That's a great question.
[1116] Thank you very much.
[1117] Actually, I do try to be healthy, and I put two fistfuls of spinach into a blender every day and a little pea protein and other stuff, and I just lost you.
[1118] No, you didn't.
[1119] It's just the way you did, like, two fistfuls of spinach.
[1120] I didn't do that.
[1121] Sexualizing it.
[1122] I didn't do, I never did that.
[1123] He did.
[1124] Did I do that?
[1125] He did that.
[1126] I didn't say I take two fistfuls.
[1127] Yes.
[1128] And then I jam them up my rectum.
[1129] Swirl my ass around.
[1130] What the hell?
[1131] I didn't do that.
[1132] You did.
[1133] You did that.
[1134] You did that.
[1135] No, you did that.
[1136] Stop poor guy.
[1137] Look, yes.
[1138] She's nodding.
[1139] You did that.
[1140] This man has a right to be heard.
[1141] Okay, I'm sorry.
[1142] He's waiting patiently at the fake microphone.
[1143] You're Jatin.
[1144] Yes.
[1145] Jatin, how are you?
[1146] I'm good.
[1147] I've come here all the way from New Delhi, India, just to see you guys.
[1148] No, you didn't.
[1149] Did you really?
[1150] Yes.
[1151] You came from New Delhi?
[1152] Wow.
[1153] This is like that time we had the guy from Denmark.
[1154] Yeah, that's right.
[1155] All the way from...
[1156] Oh, no. Oh, no. How's he going to come back up here?
[1157] Honor, a real honor.
[1158] Thank you.
[1159] It's an honor to meet you.
[1160] I've been watching you since 10th grade, so this has taken 26 years to finally be here.
[1161] See you live.
[1162] I don't know what to say.
[1163] That's crazy to me. That really...
[1164] I want to say your name correctly.
[1165] Jatin.
[1166] Jotin.
[1167] That means everything to me. Seriously.
[1168] That anyone would let someone...
[1169] when that young, watch the show.
[1170] They used to air it on CNBC in India.
[1171] They aired it on CNBC?
[1172] I'm told the government intervened, I'm sure.
[1173] And said, this must stop.
[1174] I mean, I used to watch it while studying for my exams, and my father wouldn't know there was a TV in that space.
[1175] And on the weekends, they would air your show.
[1176] In the beginning, I didn't get the jokes.
[1177] But eventually...
[1178] Okay, Jatin.
[1179] I mean, after...
[1180] There's a thing.
[1181] in America where we stop when the fun stuff is over we stop and then we don't keep going to the part that's not so good no but it went on and tell you something that was not a language barrier there's really nothing to get with some of that stuff no I loved everything on the late night show and then when I got to college I came to US and I came to New York I stood in line to get a pass a standby ticket to your show I couldn't I got a pass to the last call with Carson Daly.
[1182] I didn't go for that.
[1183] But ever since then, I lied to everyone back home that I actually saw you live.
[1184] I've been saying that for over 20 years.
[1185] Now I can leave it.
[1186] You want to get a picture?
[1187] How can we prove to people that you can send this to people and they'll just say, who's that weird woman you're with?
[1188] Did you have a question or...
[1189] Yes, I did.
[1190] It was just a cheap ploy to get that photo.
[1191] Well, I mean, I did come all the way, so...
[1192] But, so, um, back in India, I do a bunch of things.
[1193] I produce comic book conventions called Comic On India.
[1194] I've published books, comics.
[1195] I've even produced television shows.
[1196] But all of that has been a stepping stone to my main goal, which is to produce my own Bollywood movie.
[1197] Oh, wow.
[1198] And I'm actually there now.
[1199] You're going to produce a Bollywood movie.
[1200] movie.
[1201] Yes, I'm actually reading scripts, true fact.
[1202] So I want to ask you, do you want to start in my...
[1203] Yes, I do.
[1204] Yes, I do.
[1205] Because...
[1206] Yes, I do.
[1207] No. It'll be our debut together.
[1208] Let me just say one thing, and I'm totally 100 % serious.
[1209] Let's turn towards the crowd, because they're the ones watching.
[1210] This is a historic moment.
[1211] Yes.
[1212] This is a historic moment, because this marks the death of your film career.
[1213] Jaddin, I very much would be so thrilled and honored to be in your movie.
[1214] I want you to be a success.
[1215] I do not think I should be the star of your Bollywood movie.
[1216] And I'm saying this as a friend now.
[1217] You're my best friend from India now.
[1218] So, first of all, I know you have some visa problems in India.
[1219] Sort it out.
[1220] Okay, that's actually true.
[1221] It's a long story.
[1222] It doesn't really involve me, but years and years and years ago, we filmed a bit and one of our, and it was actually a very funny bit where one of our writers, Andy Blitz, had a hard time with his computer and decides to take it to the call center and travels holding the computer on the plane.
[1223] And it was a really in a lot of ways really brilliant bit but we forgot or he forgot or someone forgot to get all the paperwork done.
[1224] And so we're on some bad list with the Indian government, which you know I've tried to reassure them.
[1225] No, no, no, no. Andy Blitz is long gone.
[1226] I've had him killed.
[1227] Your team can contact me. It's all sorted.
[1228] What are you talking about?
[1229] Why should I, I shouldn't be the...
[1230] So you should be a...
[1231] Let's stop talking about paperwork, for God's sakes, Chattin.
[1232] No, so...
[1233] We've got an audience here.
[1234] I should not be the star.
[1235] I should be a quick comic turn.
[1236] No, I...
[1237] Come out.
[1238] I'm acting a little cookey.
[1239] I'll tell you why.
[1240] Because you're tall, handsome, great hair.
[1241] No, Chattin.
[1242] No, no, let me finish.
[1243] Take a closer look.
[1244] I don't mind.
[1245] Also...
[1246] That's an old Irish head and it's rotting fast, Jotten.
[1247] No, no, so...
[1248] It's not getting better every day.
[1249] It's getting worse.
[1250] Some of our biggest actors are right at your age and they're still the most popular actors.
[1251] Also...
[1252] What I mean at my age?
[1253] Also, I...
[1254] Have you researched how old I am?
[1255] Uh, kind of, yeah.
[1256] But also, I want to tell you, we have, in India, we have an unhealthy attraction to being fair.
[1257] You would be the fairest of them all, for sure.
[1258] You know what?
[1259] Here's the thing.
[1260] Here's the thing.
[1261] I'm going to move heaven and earth to try and help you with this.
[1262] I really am.
[1263] But, you know, we'll try and figure it out because my time is so valuable.
[1264] I'm kidding.
[1265] I have so much time.
[1266] No, because, you know, you were on hot ones recently and I saw the whole gamut of emotions.
[1267] Hot ones.
[1268] Yeah, so...
[1269] So, what you know is that I'm not too old, but old.
[1270] And you thought I tolerated hot sauce.
[1271] as well.
[1272] No, but...
[1273] And you've wanted me to be the star of your movie.
[1274] You went through a range of emotions, so you can add.
[1275] I mean, you can bring it, you know, so I'm willing to...
[1276] John, what's the name of the movie?
[1277] Well, I mean, we're still working on that.
[1278] But the star needs to be on the sign first, you know?
[1279] Then we can get to the script.
[1280] We can customize it.
[1281] You are so full of shit right now.
[1282] There is no movie.
[1283] There's a fan.
[1284] You know what?
[1285] Let's get your information and I would love to try and make this happen.
[1286] But you know what I'll say?
[1287] Whatever happens with us.
[1288] And I say this sincerely, it means...
[1289] I don't know why, but for some reason, trying to connect with people in any way means the world to me. And the fact that you saw me when you were 10 and saw something in all that foolishness and that we connected and that now we're here is magic.
[1290] So thank you so much.
[1291] Thank you.
[1292] Matt, I know you edit the show.
[1293] Please to keep everything in.
[1294] If you can share a clip, I can prove to people I met him.
[1295] I promise you, I will keep it in.
[1296] Wait, you're interfering with the editing of this podcast.
[1297] Nice to meet you, too.
[1298] Nice to meet you, too.
[1299] Stay out of my podcast.
[1300] I'm kind of trying to get on Conan needs a fan, too.
[1301] Yeah, you just went a little too far.
[1302] All right, I think we should, I mean, That's such a high note.
[1303] I think we need to say goodbye to everybody.
[1304] Thank you, Jahan.
[1305] Take her out.
[1306] Jesus Christ.
[1307] Matt Goreley just whispers in my ear.
[1308] The last guy drove 2 ,000 miles to be here.
[1309] So we're not done.
[1310] Get him down here.
[1311] Where is this man?
[1312] He's still driving here.
[1313] My God.
[1314] Hello.
[1315] Closer to the mic.
[1316] Hello.
[1317] Yes, you can take it out and you can hold it up to your mouth.
[1318] You're allowed to do that.
[1319] Probably be good.
[1320] You drove 2 ,000 miles to be here?
[1321] Yes.
[1322] Wait, do I owe you money?
[1323] Your whole attitude is not joy.
[1324] But like, yeah.
[1325] Remember me?
[1326] Look at his whole pose.
[1327] Do we even have security?
[1328] Oh, my God.
[1329] Are you a bounty hunter?
[1330] I'm just happy to be here after the last guy.
[1331] So that's, I, so, yeah, so my wife and I right here, we just celebrated.
[1332] You just gestured to 10 ,000 people.
[1333] Hi, how are you?
[1334] This beautiful redhead woman.
[1335] Hi, how are you?
[1336] We celebrated our 29th anniversary on the fifth.
[1337] Oh, happy anniversary.
[1338] Thank you.
[1339] And for that, we scheduled this show, but we had some extra time, and so we were in Orlando.
[1340] At the time, we split time between Utah and Orlando.
[1341] That's where we come from.
[1342] And apparently that's pretty hilarious.
[1343] No, no, it's probably under the more facts than we need, but it's cool.
[1344] It's good.
[1345] We're all good.
[1346] We're all friends here.
[1347] And so, we decided to take a drive.
[1348] We went up to Oregon, and we're going all the way down the coast, down every one.
[1349] Oh, you know, you get to look at the, well, Pacific.
[1350] You see all that.
[1351] Saw the Redwoods.
[1352] Saw the Redwoods.
[1353] What did you guys talk about?
[1354] We just listened to Conan O 'Brien.
[1355] We need to spend the whole time.
[1356] That's what we do.
[1357] Has you all been amazed at what I'm doing for my anniversary?
[1358] My question was, I'll get to that.
[1359] Take your time.
[1360] I'll get to that eventually.
[1361] The last guy just may be the star of a fucking Bollywood movie.
[1362] The biggest firework in the world and the history of live podcast blew up.
[1363] And then you're like, no, it's not over yet.
[1364] I took a drive.
[1365] Conan, we're huge fans.
[1366] Oh.
[1367] Let me go on and on.
[1368] Thank you.
[1369] No, we started watching you back in 1996 when our oldest daughter was very, very young, and we'd wake up at night to take care of her.
[1370] That's nice.
[1371] And you were our only friend on the television.
[1372] Oh.
[1373] And so since then, we've been huge fans.
[1374] We went to your show in New York in 2007.
[1375] Now we're here.
[1376] That's very sweet.
[1377] That's very sweet, and I appreciate that.
[1378] Okay.
[1379] I do.
[1380] I believe you.
[1381] I meant that.
[1382] That's sweet.
[1383] I want to acknowledge that.
[1384] That's meaningful to me. I'm happy that it is.
[1385] Thank you.
[1386] That's, we're, I'm serious.
[1387] What the fuck is going on?
[1388] I don't know what's happening anymore.
[1389] I'm a big star in India.
[1390] I'm no longer welcome at Arawan.
[1391] We'll invite you to a barbecue.
[1392] Yeah.
[1393] Okay, so you have a question.
[1394] Let's go.
[1395] I do have a question.
[1396] So, my question.
[1397] So, my question.
[1398] is, Conan.
[1399] I'm in the, this is my listening very carefully post.
[1400] Not distracting.
[1401] What is, what is the worst possible way to celebrate a major anniversary with your partner?
[1402] Well, you are, you are skating very close to it yourself.
[1403] It's this moment right now.
[1404] Yeah.
[1405] You drove 2 ,000.
[1406] miles to tell an anecdote on a podcast.
[1407] What's the worst way?
[1408] The worst way.
[1409] I don't know, Matt.
[1410] Someone, I don't know the worst way.
[1411] What's the worst?
[1412] Doing someone else.
[1413] What?
[1414] Sona!
[1415] Doing someone else.
[1416] It's to the point.
[1417] I think that's the right answer.
[1418] Doing someone else.
[1419] Yeah.
[1420] And wait, while you're looking at your partner?
[1421] Are they in the room and you're like, And you're looking at them?
[1422] Well, that, for some people, that might be a kink.
[1423] It's like, I mean, like, you know.
[1424] That would be for me, yeah.
[1425] Yeah, but if it's the worst.
[1426] Well, it would be.
[1427] If it's the worst, that means that you're, you know, you're cheating.
[1428] Yeah.
[1429] You're fucking someone else.
[1430] Okay, so we understood.
[1431] We got it.
[1432] We're all right.
[1433] All right.
[1434] This is also simulcast on Nickelodeon.
[1435] Take it easy.
[1436] I think she has the answer, doing someone else.
[1437] That is terrible.
[1438] What's that?
[1439] That is terrible.
[1440] It is very bad.
[1441] Yes.
[1442] You're a pretty chill guy, aren't you?
[1443] You take life as it comes.
[1444] I like this guy.
[1445] I do like you, too.
[1446] What's the plan now?
[1447] You've, I mean, you've come here, you asked me the question, and what do you do now?
[1448] And not, like, in detail.
[1449] We're gonna go home.
[1450] I wish you a great trip and happy anniversary.
[1451] Hey, everybody, thank you.
[1452] I don't know why.
[1453] I don't know what we did in a previous life, but we do have the funniest, coolest, most amazing fans.
[1454] Thank you very much for being here.
[1455] I want to thank Sonam Obsessian.
[1456] Let's hear it for the best band that could ever help any man. You know, it's been an incredible night.
[1457] John C. Riley is a friend, and it was so nice to connect with him.
[1458] But then to meet some of you, and then to get to sing this song without having to pay for it, because I know the guy who wrote it.
[1459] Brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens.
[1460] I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
[1461] I can tell that by the tree, we will rest upon the ground and look at all the bugs we found.
[1462] Safely walk to school without a sound.
[1463] Safely walk to school without a sound.
[1464] We walk to school all by ourselves.
[1465] There's dirt on all uniforms from playing with the ants and world.
[1466] We climb up and now it's time to learn Notice any time pass notice anything We sit side by side in every class Teacher thinks that I sound funny But she likes it When you sing tonight I'll dream When I'm in bed Silly thoughts run through my head About the box in alphabet When I wait tomorrow I'll bet You and I will walk together again I can tell that we are going to be friend.
[1467] Yes, I can tell.
[1468] O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goorley.
[1469] Produced by me, Matt Goorley.
[1470] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1471] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1472] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1473] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1474] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1475] Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
[1476] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
[1477] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1478] Got a question for Conan?
[1479] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.
[1480] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1481] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[1482] I'm