#615 - Greg Fitzsimmons

[0] The Joe Rogan experience.

[1] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[2] Yes.

[3] We're back, ladies and gentlemen, with Greg Fitzsimmons.

[4] He's writing a letter of Santa right now.

[5] Please.

[6] It's not too late.

[7] Next year.

[8] It's always next year.

[9] I was thinking about Santa with the elves.

[10] Isn't there a funny metaphor that he's got all these little elves working to make children's toys for no money?

[11] And then you think about our toys do come from China?

[12] That is kind of fucked up, but Chinese people aren't elves, dude.

[13] They're children.

[14] How rude.

[15] Some of them are.

[16] You're right.

[17] They're making the toys.

[18] Yeah.

[19] Little elf children.

[20] That is kind of fucked up.

[21] Yeah.

[22] The whole idea of getting a bunch of people to work for way less than they would ever make here is kind of a weird accepted thing that we have as far as like our items, our electronics and the things that we love.

[23] Like almost all of them are made by people in another country working for shit money.

[24] Hmm.

[25] That's NAFTA, man. We opened it up.

[26] Is that what it is?

[27] The WTO, too, trade organization?

[28] Yeah, it's basically, you know, there used to be slavery.

[29] And with slavery, you paid the help nothing, or very little.

[30] And you had to house them and you had to feed them and you had to heal them.

[31] You go to a third world country, it's slavery, but you don't have to deal with any of the overhead.

[32] Yeah, because they don't really care if they own you all the time.

[33] They just care if they own you enough so that you show up and do what you have to do.

[34] do.

[35] Exactly.

[36] Like the idea that you're just free to wander around and quit and come back, but if you keep them in economic slavery, you're essentially always going to be enslaved.

[37] Well, that's what Mark said.

[38] That capitalism depends on a certain percentage of population being hardcore unemployables so that you can always say there's somebody else.

[39] That's weird.

[40] It's weird because I like the idea that people can do whatever they want, them do with their life.

[41] They can make whatever choices they would like to make.

[42] They could take on any job they want.

[43] But it's strange when you think of someone who's so far ahead of the game, like some Warren Buffett type character.

[44] Not him.

[45] I don't know what kind of business he owns.

[46] Sam Walton.

[47] Some dude.

[48] Let's make up some fucking billionaire character.

[49] Who decides he can make, you know, X amount more per year if they open up a shop in Guatemala.

[50] And they just close up that one they have here in the States, a little too pricey.

[51] This one's going to make us, you know, X amount more on the dollar.

[52] Yeah.

[53] And probably he will never even notice it.

[54] He will, oh, it's a fucking, it's another zero in a column and in one of his, and a crazy thing is, is that, you know, I don't know.

[55] I'm not super wealthy, but if I was, I would really be thinking about a different agenda than making more.

[56] You know, you really look at the people that create, you know, an economy within their own country within their own community and at the same time live the life that they'll never fucking eat that money up anyway.

[57] I mean, look at you.

[58] You got your own little economy.

[59] You got a little podcast coming off of yours and you got people that work for you and comedians that you bring on the road and, you know, it's everywhere.

[60] It's almost like, you know, I hate that expression that Obama used when he was running, when he was in office about small businesses.

[61] You didn't do that alone.

[62] You didn't do that by yourself.

[63] Right.

[64] But the reality is his point was right, and it's right with everything.

[65] Like, you can't sell iPhones if no one shows up for work at the factory.

[66] Right.

[67] If everyone goes, fuck you.

[68] You can't pay me 25 cents an hour.

[69] Fuck you.

[70] Then we don't have iPhones anymore.

[71] Yeah.

[72] But because we know that these people are poor, not we, we're not, we don't have any iPhone factories, but because they know these people are poor, they can continue doing that.

[73] Yeah.

[74] That's so weird, man. That's so weird.

[75] They're jumping off the building so much they have nets around them.

[76] Is that right?

[77] You didn't know that?

[78] No. Oh my God, dude, the Foxcon factories are terrifying because those people live there.

[79] They have dormitories there.

[80] They eat there, live there, sleep there, and they have nets all around them.

[81] And this work is really weird.

[82] You know, there's always going to be people who, on the hardcore right, will always argue towards whatever is, like, economically best for the company.

[83] Yeah.

[84] You know, they'll somehow know they come up with some justification for what kind of damage tapping in oil well do or oil spills or this kind of shit.

[85] But this guy said to me, he goes, well, you know, if you look at the numbers, it's actually very similar to the number of people that commit suicide in an overall population.

[86] Because you've got to look at it.

[87] There's like 500 ,000 people working at this factory.

[88] Yeah.

[89] Or some crazy number.

[90] I just made that up.

[91] We should find out what the actual number is.

[92] But it's some nutty number like that.

[93] You're talking about thousands of people work at the factory complex.

[94] that has a half a million people there?

[95] I don't think it's a half a million.

[96] I made that up.

[97] But it might be 50 ,000, whatever it is.

[98] There's so many people that work there, that the amount of people that commit suicide on the job are directly proportioned to a normal city.

[99] Right.

[100] Which is, okay, I get it.

[101] But how many people kill themselves at work?

[102] If I was going to go down, it would be at my job.

[103] I'm taking a couple people with me. I really think suicide is, The only reason I would kill myself is that I wanted to kill some other people, and I don't want to do the time.

[104] God, damn.

[105] That's what a lot of people do it when they know the jig is up.

[106] Yep.

[107] Just put that gun in their head.

[108] B 'am.

[109] How's that feeling?

[110] Imagine that moment before you committed suicide.

[111] Jesus Christ.

[112] How high your heart rate would be pacing, dealing with your own mortality, the biggest question.

[113] And we both know people who've done it.

[114] Right.

[115] You know, I know two people that did it.

[116] I know one guy that did it pretty well.

[117] I knew him pretty well.

[118] He was a really nice guy.

[119] It was really disturbing.

[120] It really hurt.

[121] Like, you know, you hear that someone was in such pain.

[122] They put a gun to their head.

[123] You're like, damn, I really like that guy.

[124] Like, that's fucked.

[125] Like, I don't know what tipped left or right in his chemical makeup or his life, you know, situation and circumstances, whatever it was.

[126] But, God, damn, that's a, that's a sad.

[127] sad, sad thing that the game gets so far gone that you're like, I just got to pull the plug.

[128] I just got to flip the board over.

[129] Yeah.

[130] This is never going to work out.

[131] Because the instinct to not kill yourself is so strong that the pain that would make you do it must just be something you can't imagine.

[132] You know, I've talked to quite a few people now with what you would call depression, or have had depression and overcome it, or have had any sort of mental issues.

[133] and how to take medication for it and overcome it and I just think we vary so much man I think human bring our minds and what we can do our norm what makes us happy like whatever whatever your state is that what you need to achieve to get out of like the muck like the the down feeling and what another person needs to achieve could be very different yeah you know it's just like everything else like people that are tall people that are short freckles whatever the fuck it is we vary so much that we got to be really careful when we look at, like, yeah, how could he do that?

[134] He had such a good life.

[135] Like, yeah, it might have been a good life for you on the outside.

[136] Right.

[137] But that guy was in, like, some sort of chemical hell all the time.

[138] Yeah, with the exterior maybe doesn't have much to do with the interior.

[139] I mean, if you talk about the statistics of people committing suicide, I wonder if it's not about the same in the lower class as it is in the upper class.

[140] I wonder.

[141] You know, I mean, I don't know if that's really the factor because I think there's quite a few people.

[142] Like they said Mexico was one of the happiest countries on earth and it was also like not a very wealthy country So they have community.

[143] Yeah, I think there's there's a benefit to that that we don't recognize because we're so wrapped up in the idea of Cumulating money accumulating dollars that we forget like that's only part of wealth like the really intelligent wealth is keeping the vibe good as long as possible whether it's happiness with friends happiness with co -worth workers, happiness with what you do for a living pride in your accomplishments, whatever the fuck it is that it takes to keep.

[144] Well, feeling included in a group of people.

[145] That's huge.

[146] That's huge for everybody.

[147] People have always wanted to deny that.

[148] Everybody wants to be the rugged individualist, but that's stupid.

[149] Well, that's our whole mythology in this country.

[150] It's the, you know, the guy riding off alone into the sunset.

[151] That's America.

[152] That's the cool guy in every movie is the guy who doesn't need the chick.

[153] Right.

[154] You never seen with a buddy.

[155] He's got one black buddy, and that guy dies in the first act.

[156] Yeah.

[157] Somehow or another, he just gets on a horse, and it's like, I got to go.

[158] He just gets on a fucking horse.

[159] Did you see that commercial?

[160] And I would rarely quote a commercial, I think one is funny.

[161] But it's like this chick, and she's saying about to a guy, and it's an insurance commercial.

[162] No. And she's in, like, a big prairie dress with a bonnet, and he's the real cowboy, and he's putting his hat on.

[163] And he's like, I got to go off into the sunset.

[164] And she's pulling his leg, no, no. And then he rides off towards the sunset.

[165] he just falls off the horse.

[166] It's just so fucking immediate, so funny.

[167] That is funny.

[168] Yeah, but that's it, man. Being loners is an important thing, I think, as comedians, obviously, that's a solo craft.

[169] Podcasting is, you know, a solo craft.

[170] But at the same time, to feel part of a group.

[171] And I think, like, you and I have both gone to the comedy store, it's become part of our lives, mine for the first time, yours for the second act.

[172] And it's like a great feeling to be doing your solo thing, but you're surrounded by other people that have the same background and are following the same path.

[173] And, you know, you really feel very included there.

[174] Yeah, it's a really good vibe.

[175] It's a way better vibe than it was the first time I was there.

[176] Yeah.

[177] Like, I really believe it's the Internet.

[178] I think the Internet has inspired more people to try stand up that we're on like maybe the right frequency to become a comic.

[179] They recognize their own personality, all the shit.

[180] that we talk about that's wrong with us.

[181] Like, oh, maybe I'm just a comic.

[182] Like, maybe, like, I might be able to do that.

[183] I make people laugh at work.

[184] I might, I'd literally be able to do that.

[185] I think more people were inspired by that.

[186] And then also, when you hear a bunch of comics doing these podcasts talking about comedy, like as an art form and what's involved in it, and you kind of get a sense.

[187] Like, this guy described it to me, and he became an open micer, and now he's actually a working comic.

[188] He started out doing it from hearing us talk about it on the podcast.

[189] He's been doing comedy, like, I think he said, like, two and a half years now.

[190] But he said it's like taking a master's class in comedy.

[191] He listened to Bill Burrett, talk about how he writes jokes.

[192] He listened to Greg Fitzsimmons talk about the differences between his act now and his act then, where the errors are.

[193] He'd get Joey Diaz talking about how he learned to let go and how he had fear when he was on stage and always worried about people accepting him.

[194] And one day he was like, fuck you.

[195] And I remember that turnaround for Joey.

[196] This is just like radical turnaround where he was always really funny offstage.

[197] We had a hard time being funny on stage.

[198] And then it was like, like 99 somewhere around then, 98, 99, boom, he figured it out.

[199] Yeah.

[200] Just like out of nowhere.

[201] Right.

[202] He went quicker than I've ever seen anybody go from having a hard time on stage to destroy him.

[203] Yeah.

[204] Like I remember he gained a lot of weight coincidentally at that same time.

[205] That was how didn't give a fuck he got.

[206] Yeah.

[207] That's when he went from like 210 pounds to like over 300 pounds like in a year.

[208] But God damn was he funny.

[209] Yeah.

[210] Yeah.

[211] I've seen it happen with guys.

[212] And, you know, like Jim Norton, man. He haunted the comedy seller in those clubs for a decade, you know, 12 years, something before he got any real traction.

[213] And then when he found his voice, I mean, the guy is just fucking great.

[214] He's phenomenal.

[215] Yeah, he's a really good comic, man. I saw him in Austin.

[216] And it was a good thing for me to see because I was doing sets that maybe were, like, too long.

[217] Yeah.

[218] And he did like 55, 50, 55 minutes.

[219] to just murder it.

[220] And I'm like, that's a good amount of time.

[221] Because you don't get tired of a guy.

[222] You know, like, I know, and people are tired of hearing me talking.

[223] Yeah.

[224] But you always feel like there's this borderline between wanting to give them their money's worth and just like, even a great movie sucks after three and a half hours, you know, or whatever it is for comedy, an hour and 10 minutes, or whatever the number is.

[225] Yeah.

[226] But seeing him in Austin was great because I hadn't gone to like a show, like sit down and watch a show in a while.

[227] It always been like I'm at a set.

[228] oh who's on you know oh blah blah's on oh let's go peek in real quick but to sit down and watch like the whole show his whole set was really fun yeah it's really fun that is weird to sit down like i just was in Vegas with some friends and stephen wright was playing so we said fuck man how was it it was great he was great god damn you know he was doing a lot of new shit and just you know everyone was high of course and it was just this perfect match and then uh he hung out with us after the show for a while.

[229] I told him my friend my friend got so baked he fell asleep during the show and so Stephen came out and he goes how'd you guys like the show and I go my friend Dan fell asleep and Stephen Wright could not stop laughing he's like because he's been on my podcast and he's just like in all the years I've done this I've never had anybody like throw somebody under the bus like that and he just kept talking about it for like 15 minutes.

[230] It's a funny thing like about people don't want to admit they were asleep right right you know I fell asleep during your show.

[231] You're in Vegas.

[232] Of course you fall asleep.

[233] You've been up for 72 hours.

[234] It's the first time you sat still in 72 hours.

[235] And Stephen Wright, if you're going to like that, that's a, that's not like a Kevin Hart, like a lot of explosion.

[236] Stephen Wright is the guy.

[237] You know, like, I used to work in a firehardtron factory.

[238] Couldn't park anywhere near the place.

[239] He was like the first Twitterer.

[240] He was.

[241] You know?

[242] His comedy was Twitter.

[243] Like, easily, he would have been a monster on Twitter.

[244] Yeah.

[245] If he put just those jokes on Twitter.

[246] Yeah.

[247] But then they would, you know, you would ruin the bits.

[248] Yeah, maybe he should go back and just take all the shit he never put out and just start tweeting it.

[249] Because you know that guy doesn't tweet.

[250] He probably doesn't give a shit.

[251] Well, didn't he write it?

[252] He was tweeting a whole book.

[253] Oh, really?

[254] Yeah.

[255] He was doing this weird thing where he was tweeting a whole book, 140 characters at a time.

[256] Damn.

[257] That's really cool I love that idea Yeah I think you would write Like a new 140 characters every day Oh he wasn't just like he wrote it And he was releasing it I don't know I don't think so I think he was doing it like How was he doing it How many tweets a day was he doing it?

[258] It probably had a limited number of tweets He was doing every day Yeah He explains it on Conan He explains it on Conan We can't play that though We'd get in trouble Yeah But whatever it is He tweeted a book He's such fucking weirdo That's amazing He's the guy man That changed Boston comedy That was the one guy That changed the whole scene At least if you listen to Like the guys that grew up During that time And that Franz Salamito documentary When stand -up stood out It's a great documentary Yeah it's really cool Especially for guys like us Because it was like The generation right before we started Yeah it really let us know That like how lucky we got Like you and I have talked about this before But we came along at the perfect time, like ever in the history of comedy, except maybe now.

[259] Now it's pretty goddamn good time.

[260] Yeah, they're making a lot less money now.

[261] Me and you were making money right out of the gate.

[262] Hey, you got a car?

[263] You got 10 minutes?

[264] There's 50 bucks, kid.

[265] There was so many satellite rooms.

[266] Yeah.

[267] We were living in Boston, and we could go in any direction.

[268] There was probably two or three hundred rooms.

[269] Yeah.

[270] Between Boston comedy, between Sherry Hirsch, between Norm LaFoe, Billie Downs.

[271] Billy Downs, Paul Barkley.

[272] They all had, like, Boston comedy, Barry Katz's organization had many, many, many rooms.

[273] Barry alone had 50 rooms, probably.

[274] They had so many rooms.

[275] So there's, I mean, maybe exaggerating saying hundreds, but it was more than 100 rooms all around this area.

[276] And so we could just go to a different place all the time.

[277] They always needed comics.

[278] And if you were, if you were a good comic and you were reliable, and again, if you had a car and you would pick up the headliner, you would literally call a guy like Mike Clark and he would fill.

[279] seven weekends on the spot in one phone call and then you'd call Barry Katz and he'd fill seven weekends and like you know in a week you talk to five agents and your year is booked six nights a week and then all you got to do is play softball go to the movies and drive to the gig at night that's a lot of guys fall into that Mike Clark had some of the craziest fucking gigs dude I did a restaurant for him once I was the one opening week and it never happened happened again after me it was it was one of the worst i opened and closed it uh because i told them how it was set up and he agreed that they couldn't do a show there i was like you just literally can't do a show there because you do stand up at a lounge first of all nobody told these people there's going to be stand up so they're sitting there waiting to get seated it was the biggest seafood restaurant and like this part of the cape so there would be you know this giant fucking like room where people are seating waiting for them to call their seat and their name.

[280] Oh, no shit.

[281] So when they're calling their seat and their name or their name and their, you know, Johnson Party of Six, they're doing it on the same microphone as you.

[282] So you're on stage.

[283] You're on stage.

[284] I'm on stage.

[285] And it became a joke after a while.

[286] I'm like, this is like truly hilarious.

[287] Because you'd be right.

[288] And I'm telling her, Johnson Party of Six.

[289] Your table's ready.

[290] Johnson Party of Six.

[291] Your tables ready.

[292] Johnson.

[293] Johnson party of saying you're like oh my god I mean I'm not joking man because they're not even in the same room as you so they have no fucking idea no no no no it's a big place so like you're in this giant lounge area with these families you're talking about blow jobs yeah and these families are like what the fuck is going on and then it's surreal it's so surreal and in the middle of your act just right in the middle out of nowhere.

[294] There's six birds and Johnson, Party of Six, your table's ready?

[295] It was the worst.

[296] It was one of the...

[297] It wasn't the worst because the people were friendly, you know.

[298] Can you imagine just go back to that same place now and you know it's the same restaurant with the same P .A. system The whole thing.

[299] Bring cameras and film your one hour special with them come for Johnson Party of Six.

[300] Try to work around it.

[301] Just work the Johnsons they're heading into the family.

[302] Hey, nice.

[303] jacket well you know what if people knew you were filming though they would come up with stupid names yeah it's just so someone would yell out their name dick hurt hunt party of six your table's ready mike hunt they would probably hate that kind of comedy out there even no matter how famous you got there's like a really conservative part of the cape yeah yeah yeah the cape is very family it's very norman rock well very tight buttoned up right they leave the cape and my friend dated this girl from the Cape.

[304] She became a whore and a crackhead.

[305] She was this sweet, like, preppy girl from the Cape, came from money, moved to Venice Beach, and all of a sudden she was getting skinny, and all of a sudden she had a herpes virus on her lip, and he got it from her.

[306] And then he found, I think he found an ad.

[307] Like she had the newspaper with the classified section where she had put an ad.

[308] This was back before the Internet for herself.

[309] And she was selling her.

[310] selling herself and then she came by and then so they broke up and she came by like a year later with another dude she weighed like you know 90 pounds wow all from the cape from the cape man well there's a lot of sheltered people up in that neck of the woods it's beautiful though oh it's great god it's so nice in the summer especially and in the winter there's something about it's just so gray and the water is so unforgiving you know it's there's something cool but even being cold walking around the beach and it's just so gray and the water is so unforgiving you know it's there's something cool but even being cold walking around the beach and the winter was always weird for me. I enjoy it.

[311] You look at the trees and with no leaves on them and they just look strong.

[312] Everything is strong because it's just getting battered by wind and cold.

[313] It also gives you this sense of cycle that I think we miss out on a bit of here.

[314] I think the cycle of seasons is much more normal than no seasons.

[315] And what we're doing is we're sort of adapting our perceptions of nature on this really unrealistic spot.

[316] You know, a spot where it fucking never rains It's stalled out Yeah I mean it gets kind of hot for a while But just go near the water You'll be fine No, you need the cycle That's, in my house We celebrate my wife's menstrual flow You know, change clothes Like fall We'll go fall You go fall colors Yeah fall colors on her September On her September Tripping Did you see that I don't know if this is bullshit or not Somebody you sent it to me on Twitter And I looked at it was about to get in my car.

[317] I was like, what?

[318] It was something about women that don't want to be forced to wear maxi pads or tampons.

[319] I think it's bullshit.

[320] So they're just going natural.

[321] They're just doing natural flow.

[322] Like they're literally in your face about their period blood dripping out of their underwear.

[323] They don't give a fuck.

[324] They just wear like fluffy socks?

[325] I think they just let it drip down their leg.

[326] I mean, it might be bullshit.

[327] I might be getting trolled right now because I just looked at it like really briefy.

[328] Take a look at it there, young Jamie.

[329] and you tell me with your discerning eye.

[330] I could see that because the tampon, that's what you stick inside, right?

[331] The tampon?

[332] Yes, Gregory.

[333] I would get confused.

[334] The tampon causes toxic shock syndrome.

[335] It can if you leave it in, right?

[336] Is that what happens?

[337] I don't know.

[338] I don't even know what it was.

[339] Help catalyze the movement.

[340] Oh, my God, this is real.

[341] Benefits of sustainable menstrual options.

[342] What is this sustainable?

[343] I'm really tired of people using that word.

[344] I think the people that use the word sustainable and the people that use the word, the word handcrafted, should get together and go fuck themselves.

[345] I'm tired of both of those terms.

[346] All natural.

[347] You're sustainable.

[348] What are you taught?

[349] What?

[350] Human beings devour the planet.

[351] Stop with your sustainable.

[352] Yeah.

[353] Oh, this is better.

[354] It's better for the environment.

[355] One dump truck of waste per person versus a few dozen reusable pads.

[356] Reduce pollution.

[357] Oh, they're reusable pads.

[358] Hold on a second.

[359] Barf.

[360] Could you imagine your cooter is blowing into this fucking wad of cotton every month you're scrubbing out the bacteria and the blood it's intertwined and all the fibers of your cooch area of your underwear i mean get the fuck out of here with this listen we live in 2015 if we still use paper to write down on you we can afford a little cotton to plug your clam with okay i'll kick in a few bucks for that i'm on board i mean yeah there's a Few things that.

[361] Whoa, whoa, whoa, look at that picture.

[362] Hold on a second.

[363] Pull that picture back out.

[364] What did it say?

[365] The stat...

[366] Oh, my God.

[367] It says a disposable tampon pad user produces a dump truck of menstrual waste in their lifetime.

[368] And it's showing you this giant fucking dump truck, which probably doesn't have only tampons in it.

[369] That would be great as if every time you threw out a tampon, you had to throw it in your truck.

[370] Every woman gets one truck.

[371] And once it's filled, we kill you.

[372] Yeah, you have like a year.

[373] dump of your tampons.

[374] Like for a year they have to stay in your backyard in a big pink barrel.

[375] Just dogs barking from all over the neighborhood.

[376] Yeah, you know how you have like trash?

[377] It's like one color.

[378] The recyclables like brown, like lawn trimings and stuff.

[379] Everybody has different.

[380] It would be like once a year.

[381] They pick up your soiled menstrual plugs.

[382] That's a weird thing with guys being scared of menstrual blood.

[383] I've never really understood that.

[384] It doesn't bother me at all I mean not even a little bit Not even a little bit I don't get it Doesn't bother me Some dude is freak though I had a friend and he would fucking be like I'm never banging a chick on her period Get out of here I'm like so your girlfriend really wants to have sex She's on her period You won't have sex where he's like Fuck that And I want she's on that shit I think it's even better Ooh Greg is dirty But like we were well We were down to Florida one time Me and uh you know Mike gibbons My buddy Mike And this other guy The guy whose girlfriend became a hooker As a matter of fact And it was a there was a water slide park and it was it was locked and we got through the chain link fence and we went in and my buddy turned the water on it was like a real rudimentary roadside water park and we started going down the slide in the middle of the night it's like fucking you know midnight and uh i remember thinking like i would not have had that much fun during the day and i think that's what menstrual sex is like you're not supposed to be in there so it's like a it's a special treat a special treat but a lot of girls are hornyer when they're on their periods.

[385] Oh, yeah.

[386] Oh, yeah.

[387] That's right.

[388] Would you...

[389] They push back.

[390] Let me ask you this, in all sincerity, because I've debated this myself, would you, if they one day figure out a way to manipulate human bodies in such an incredible way that they can actually turn you into a woman, like, turn you back into a woman back into Greg again?

[391] Like, would you try to, would you be a woman for a day?

[392] Of course, yes.

[393] For a whole day, Or how long would you do it for?

[394] I'd do it for a week.

[395] A week?

[396] Would you take the D?

[397] Fuck yeah.

[398] No. No, I would do the woman thing now.

[399] I would definitely masturbate relentlessly.

[400] You would stick something in there.

[401] I would go to some spas.

[402] I'd go to a lot of spas where women are walking around naked.

[403] Okay, what about this?

[404] How about this?

[405] What if, here's, we went, we're going deep.

[406] What if you, they figure out a way to manipulate genetics to the point where you could become your wife and your wife could become you, like literally become you?

[407] And then, fuck you.

[408] Would you agree to that?

[409] No, no way You wouldn't let your wife be you and you be your wife Just for a day No, no Why not?

[410] Because I could never look at it the same way again But it's her I don't want to be inside there I want the mystery There's so many little secrets that women have And there's things you wonder about their soul And what they're really thinking when you're talking And all those little subtle things I don't want that I see your point I don't want to know that.

[411] That's beautiful.

[412] You're a man of, like, you love romance, mystery.

[413] Yeah.

[414] That's beautiful.

[415] I love my wife.

[416] I'm not even talking about your wife.

[417] I think in everything in life.

[418] Yeah.

[419] 50 Shades of Gray that was in the book, there was a tampon sex scene, and they took it out in the movie.

[420] How dare they?

[421] That movie made a trillion dollars.

[422] A movie cured the deficit.

[423] Yeah, right.

[424] I know.

[425] It's fucking crazy.

[426] Why do you think it did?

[427] You think guys went, like, did women drag their men to it, or is that just women?

[428] women going.

[429] Mostly women, I think, probably.

[430] Right.

[431] And psychologically, if I had to analyze, with all due respect, and this is, again, just my opinion, I think the reason why those, like, savage -type sexual scenarios, like savage, lustful, crazy things, ball gags, and spitting in your mouth, and, you know, a lot of the crazy shit that seems to excite people unexpectedly, you know, when you talk about, like, the average American woman, and then you talk about them, I don't know exactly what 50 shades of Ray as I'm just talking out of my ass, but I read it.

[432] I understand it was a lot of like time.

[433] You read the whole thing?

[434] Well, I was hired to do a parody of it.

[435] Oh.

[436] So I read it.

[437] Well, tell me, because I would assume that it's like a lot of like choking and abuse type stuff.

[438] But it's really light.

[439] It's light.

[440] Yeah, I mean, it's the funny thing is, is there's no, I described it as if you had a seven year old and you showed them nothing but porn and then you said, write a story, it's so inane.

[441] There's no fucking story.

[442] It's just a, it's an excuse for a rich guy to completely humiliate a college girl and women get off on it because he's so beautiful and wealthy and but there's no nothing happen I mean I don't want to ruin the ending I don't fuck it up spoiler alert literally nothing happens I think everybody knows already I don't think they care it's just it's just the same kind of shit you'd see at cinemax I think there is a lot of women I think there are a lot of women that don't feel sexually attractive they don't like they don't feel like anyone ever feels like that with them like anyone has ever overcome with like desire to be with them yeah they look at themselves as like god i wish that was happening to me and they developed this like intense need for romance it's like the classic story of romance novel readers like what do they look like it's usually like an overweight woman like that's what a lot of people think about when they think of someone who reads romance novels that's what comes to mind not necessarily true but the idea being that like for a lot of of people like that is so attractive this this you know this crazy maniacal passionate little even disgusting and abusive situation between a guy and a girl because there's so much lust there yeah there's like lust and depravity and they're missing that they're not getting you know they're not getting anybody that wants to be with them and touch them that's like a fundamental need that people have that we kind of ignore a lot when we're looking at like social trends and the way people behave like the fun there's a fundamental need that we have to touch each other like it's a hundred percent necessary like if you if you take people and you give them no contact with other people they literally go bananas yeah we need to be around each other i always hug sad people oh like if i meet somebody and they just seem really sad i not right then and there but the next time i see them i'll throw a hug on them and it's amazing to see the change they fucking like you so much oh yeah man I've told this story, but just in the nature of this discussion, I got the first job that I ever did in Hollywood, that stupid hardball show.

[443] I had this situation where I came out here, didn't have very many friends, and I was out here filming it for like two weeks, and didn't have a girlfriend in L .A. didn't know anybody, so I'd just go to the comedy store or go home.

[444] And we had this scene that we were doing with me and this girl, And she gave me a hug.

[445] And she didn't even give me a hug, like a sexual hug.

[446] It wasn't like I was a track.

[447] I mean, she was very attractive, but it wasn't like that.

[448] She was like, aw, she came over, give me a hug.

[449] And my whole body just tingled, like, not sexually.

[450] Because you'd been so alone.

[451] Love, like, I felt love.

[452] Like, I felt like a warm hug from a, I'm like, God damn.

[453] And I realized, like, right there immediately.

[454] I was like, I need this in my life.

[455] Like, this is something like, if you don't have, you feel dull.

[456] your life feels dulled down and unfortunately whether it's because of genetics or because of diet or because of fucking fill in the blank where some people just aren't that attractive to other people and that's not a politically correct thing to say but that's exactly what it is and so they're super excited about someone being excited about them there's an app where you can hug people where people meet they meet up in a public place and here look it up they meet in a public place and they just come they say hello they hug and then they walk away oh my god and it's worldwide that's insane that is so insane and i heard the guy getting interviewed and they were like well does it sometimes like then lead to sex like you would naturally think he's like no most people just they just wanted the hug that's why they went on the app that's all they wanted wow yeah yeah that's gonna end badly well my son yeah oh yeah yeah that'll end bad cuddle curious free app makes it easy to score hugs.

[457] Cuddler.

[458] Aw, that's cute.

[459] Isn't that hilarious?

[460] Like it is, hugging people's nice.

[461] It's just the problem is there's a lot of like overly needy people out there, a lot of crazy people out there, a lot of mean people out there, a lot of insult, people that will insult you just to get a rise out of you.

[462] And that's the world.

[463] And girls have to deal that way more than we do.

[464] Like it's the worst thing in the world when you see a guy hit on a girl and then the girl refutes him and you know, fuck you bitch, you know, I didn't like you anywhere.

[465] Like, that is disgusting.

[466] Yeah.

[467] That's like, you realize, like, guys like that are the reason why chicks are fucking weirded out by dudes.

[468] Yeah.

[469] You know, someone who hits on you, and then when you say no, they get angry at you.

[470] They all of a sudden, like, from I want to fuck you to, I want to hit you, you know?

[471] And that's something, fortunately, we don't have to deal with.

[472] Yeah, it's, I mean, you can see it.

[473] It's an insecurity.

[474] Obviously, the guy got hurt, and so he lashed out with anger.

[475] it could be that for sure i mean certainly that's i think there's a lot of factors i think that's that's a big part of it though definitely i think the other part of it is that like i think for a lot of men it's like very frustrating to try to figure out how to get someone to choose you over you know x guys x number it's a competition yeah and you're losing yeah i mean that's the reason why men dress the way they dress i mean a big part of it for them is like to try to look good You know, like guys who wear the right watch or guys who have the right shoes or guys who wear like a really slick jacket.

[476] Like, you're doing it to look good.

[477] You're doing, I mean, that's why you're doing it.

[478] You're doing it to be more attractive.

[479] You know, whether you're doing it for yourself or you're doing it for your business images ultimately for yourself, you're trying to be more attractive.

[480] And no matter how unattractive you are, you're trying to be more attractive because you're trying to, you know, it's nature.

[481] You're trying to attract the best mate that you can get.

[482] It's crazy that guys will, some guys will go, like, all out, like, with diamonds and shit, and, like, giant watches with crusted in diamonds.

[483] And they know, like, look, I am only going to attract dumbhows.

[484] Yeah.

[485] Like, that's it.

[486] That's what I'm shooting for.

[487] Right.

[488] You know, and they'll, like, walk around with, like, giant gold encrusted or diamond -encrusted necklaces and shit.

[489] Yeah.

[490] Especially black guys can pull that off.

[491] Right.

[492] Yeah, they could pull it off.

[493] Way better than we can.

[494] You know, or certain cars, you see a guy pull up in a certain car, and for some guys it makes sense, you're like, yeah, that guy belongs in a Porsche.

[495] And then you see another guy, and you're like, you're, I'm not going to say it.

[496] You're not supposed to be in a Porsche.

[497] Anybody who really likes a Porsche should be in a Porsche, but Porsche.

[498] No, but they want to be, no, you shouldn't be in a Porsche, right?

[499] You should be in a Porsche?

[500] Well, it's a Porsche.

[501] Is it?

[502] Yeah, that's what you're supposed to say.

[503] Porsche, but there's still a lot of people that are, like, car journalists, like Chris Harris, who calls it Porsche.

[504] It's Porsche, though.

[505] Is it Jaguar or Jaguar?

[506] Depends on what country.

[507] And this is America, motherfucker.

[508] It's right.

[509] It's made out of good American aluminium.

[510] Jaguar.

[511] Jaguar.

[512] Yeah, that sounds like you're cursing somebody out.

[513] Jaguar.

[514] Jaguar.

[515] You Jaguar, Fitzsimmons.

[516] Yeah, I got to.

[517] I got to get that fucking Mustang.

[518] I saw one yesterday.

[519] The new ones.

[520] Wait for the new ones.

[521] Yeah, they're coming out, 50th year anniversary.

[522] Yeah, this is what you want.

[523] You want the GT 350.

[524] Don't fuck around.

[525] Do not pass go.

[526] The Shelby GT 350.

[527] Shelby.

[528] Coming out very soon, Gregory.

[529] How much?

[530] This is what you want.

[531] I don't know how much.

[532] Stop with the money.

[533] You're going to live forever.

[534] Stop.

[535] You make good money.

[536] This is what you need to do.

[537] You need to get 500 American naturally aspirated horsepower.

[538] or under your balls.

[539] Boom, boom.

[540] Dude, it's doing Newburgh ring times, like low numbers, man. They had like spectacular results with this car.

[541] It's like got, it's independent suspension for the first time in a long time for Mustangs.

[542] Like they had it for a while and then they went back to the live rear axle, I guess.

[543] I don't know enough about that.

[544] But this new suspension is supposed to be incredible.

[545] This car's coming out soon, son.

[546] Don't fuck around.

[547] Or get one of those Challenger Hellcats.

[548] I drove one of those in Denver.

[549] How's the visibility out the back of those?

[550] enough.

[551] It doesn't matter.

[552] America.

[553] Nothing's coming up behind you.

[554] Look at that fucking car.

[555] 2016, Shelby GT350.

[556] I like the back.

[557] Good Lord, that makes my dick hard.

[558] It's a fastback.

[559] It's a fucking American car, son.

[560] That's real American muscle.

[561] But, like, super sophisticated now.

[562] They're making these cars like this car where they're American muscle, meaning like stupid, high horse power, V8, awesome sound, rumble.

[563] But they handle.

[564] That car fucking handles, man. How much money do they spend making that roar sound right?

[565] You know, they got all kinds of acoustics experts on that muffler.

[566] They probably do, yeah, they probably do.

[567] I think so.

[568] Especially the Shelby has that awesome deep throaty, like bobble -b -b -b -b -b -b -b -ha.

[569] They sound so good.

[570] V -8 sounds always the best.

[571] Like, you can have a beautiful V -6, like Porsches are sixes, flat -six.

[572] They sound really good, too.

[573] But that sounds the best.

[574] The American V8 rumble.

[575] It's just fucking ball draining.

[576] Raw.

[577] That's something about that engine sound, for whatever reason, actually stimulates testosterone, man. There's been studies done.

[578] Oh, I'm sure.

[579] That's insane.

[580] The sound of an engine.

[581] Well, it's like a lion roaring.

[582] You probably hear that, and you've got to grow some balls fast.

[583] Yeah, man. If you had lions all around your bedroom, I bet you'd have so much testosterone.

[584] That's right.

[585] Imagine if you slept in, like, you had this, like, super thick wire cage, like, really fucking thick where lions definitely can't get through it, no way.

[586] And that's your walls.

[587] And the rest of your house, like, all in the outside, there's an outside wall way, way out there.

[588] But most of it is a lion sanctuary.

[589] Yeah.

[590] So where you live is, like, the outside is like a house.

[591] But the inside, like where it faces the lion sanctuary, is all wire mesh, and it's all around your bed.

[592] So it's like your walls are insulated with lions.

[593] And you walk out there, and then you sleep.

[594] You walk out there, like a long path through this thick wire mesh, and you sleep in the middle of the lion sanctuary.

[595] And periodically, throughout the day, they release animals for the lions to chase and kill in front of you.

[596] You're brushing your teeth.

[597] And you see some poor giraffe, stumble out, look left, look right, and you see them run towards it and take it down.

[598] Like, fucking Christ, you hear bones snap, and one of them's got the neck, and the thing's flop around, it's trying to kick, and they're tearing its guts apart, and you're 20 feet away.

[599] And your chest is rumbling from the noise a lot.

[600] You can barely hear it over your electric toothbrush.

[601] Yeah.

[602] Just ripping apart some giraffe right in front of you.

[603] Blood splatters on your face.

[604] Fighting over chunks of meat.

[605] The new male comes into town.

[606] There's a fucking brawl.

[607] And you're just getting manly.

[608] You're either shrinking from it and becoming a complete pussy or you're growing hair in your chest and you're going...

[609] You would look like an Armenian bodybuilder.

[610] That's what you'd look like, just hairy, thick.

[611] You'd get angry.

[612] You're not even working.

[613] You're freaking out.

[614] You've never lifted a weight and you're ripped.

[615] Your body's just prepared for death every second of every day.

[616] You just hear that roar in the middle of the night.

[617] Plus, you're inhaling all that, the pharynx that they're spraying it out the whole time.

[618] They'll probably piss on your fucking cage.

[619] They'll probably spray your cage.

[620] You're probably going to have to call in the maid and shit.

[621] There's some lion piss, all of this thing.

[622] Can you mop up the pheromones?

[623] I just want to take a nap.

[624] I'm you know what I'm not getting pissed on tonight I'm putting up the shades I'm just you know I'm not avoiding the lions I just don't want to peeing on me I can handle the lions I just don't want to piss it on my head while I'm sleeping that's it yeah they will they will piss on things right like a regular cat does well especially after they fight then they spray the area they just won it's fucking weird to watch man it's like where's that even coming from yeah you know what you got an extra hole back there like what is that how's it work yeah because they spray out the back like out of their ass.

[625] Yeah, some kind of little gland back there.

[626] How bizarre.

[627] Yeah.

[628] Like, they have almost like an extra dick.

[629] Like an extra like a blowhole on their dick.

[630] Well, I guess it's like pre -semen, right?

[631] I don't know where it comes from.

[632] I'd never have thought about it.

[633] I had a cat that used to spray too.

[634] Really?

[635] Ah, man, I had a feral cat.

[636] And at one point in time, I had a great veterinarian.

[637] Luckily, Dr. Craig, unfortunately, he died.

[638] Dr. Driver hit her, man. Fucking bummer.

[639] Oh, that sucks.

[640] He was the nicest guy.

[641] He was hilarious.

[642] Like a really funny guy.

[643] Loved, loved, loved animals.

[644] Anyway, I had this feral cat, and when it was timed, like, most of the time I could pet him, but there was occasionally times when you try to pick him up, he'll fight you to the death.

[645] Yeah.

[646] He's like, just fucking freak out and run away.

[647] Yeah.

[648] And I had to get him to the vet because it was time to get him fixed because he was pissing in my fucking house.

[649] Smell nasty?

[650] Yeah, it would pick up his back, like his ass and his tail.

[651] He would just see it, pst, come out.

[652] You like, you little mother.

[653] fucker yeah and when i trapped him in the bathroom he was just spraying everywhere dude just spraying but i never looked at where it came from because i was in mortal danger yeah like i was trying to figure out how to get this little guy in a basket what i did was i threw a blanket over him i wrapped him up in the blanket and then i stuffed the blanket inside of a laundry basket and then i carried him out i carried him to the vet in a fucking laundry basket wrapped in a blanket she's like going crazy oh my god he was going bananas He was going bananas.

[654] He's trying to kill me. He was trying to kill me. But he was my buddy.

[655] It was the weirdest thing, man. And no one else could even touch this cat.

[656] If you came over my house, he would run from you.

[657] But he would sit in my lap.

[658] I could pet him up.

[659] I could pick him up.

[660] Once I started petting him, he would purse so loud.

[661] But it was like the person never got touched.

[662] Yeah.

[663] Like once, like it was the weirdest thing.

[664] He would go from, scared at everything.

[665] You pick him up.

[666] Dude, it's all right.

[667] It's all right.

[668] Like immediately, like really loud pur.

[669] Yeah.

[670] Like the poor guy, his, whatever months of his life where he was wild before I got a hold of him, just fucked his head up.

[671] Yeah.

[672] Like trying to maintain in your home a feral cat is a very unique situation.

[673] Yeah.

[674] Taught me a lot.

[675] Did the behavior change after he got neutered?

[676] He never, did the behavior never changed?

[677] No. I mean, he was always cool only with me. That's it.

[678] No other people.

[679] That's it.

[680] He liked my cats.

[681] My cats and him were very close.

[682] You know, he would hang out with them.

[683] Everybody was groovy, but there was no other person that was allowed to pick him up.

[684] He just wouldn't have it.

[685] And he wouldn't have it sometimes from me. Yeah.

[686] Like, he knew me from the time he was a little baby, and I had him for, like, at least seven or eight years.

[687] How did you find him?

[688] My friend found him.

[689] Oh.

[690] Her and her boyfriend were living in this apartment, and underneath it, there was, like, a cat that had given birth to a bunch of kittens.

[691] And so, like, she kind of freaked out, like, oh, my God, these poor little things.

[692] They're wild, and they're hissing to people, so they set traps for them.

[693] Because they were like, you know, they would go out to their car and there's like this litter of kittens, like living under your house.

[694] Yeah.

[695] It was really depressing to her.

[696] So her and her boyfriend decided to trap them, trap the cats.

[697] And, you know, they were little demons, man. Just fucking hissing there and sputtering.

[698] And then you realize like, man, once you, if you're that fucked up from like that, like, first couple months, like your view of the world is that dangerous.

[699] I mean, you're literally wild in the street.

[700] No one's petting you.

[701] you're not getting a little can of tuna in front of you oh do you like it no it's full on instinct you're eating bugs you're eating anything that moves and you're fighting other cats to get to the bugs yeah and you know your parents are trying to bring you back food you're barely staying alive and so he goes from that to all of a sudden he's hanging out with me in my house and he's eating cat food you know he's got cat food every day you can't believe the food's still here every day you know it was really weird does he will he overeat if you leave out food he's dead now But he didn't overeat.

[702] No, he, you know, he normalized to the point where, like, walking around the house, he didn't look like it was constantly in terror.

[703] But if you got too close to him, he would be like, what the fuck are you planning?

[704] You know, it's like, it was when he was by himself, he was fine.

[705] Like, he was cool.

[706] He would just chill out and you'd catch him, like, sunning himself by the window.

[707] Everything was groovy.

[708] So when people got too close to him, he just wasn't, oh, never was totally sure.

[709] Yeah.

[710] Never was totally sure.

[711] You know, it reminded me of when you talked about grabbing them in the laundry basket.

[712] Do you remember back in Boston, you were out one night with Jennifer, and I was home, and I swear to God, on my father's grave, this happened.

[713] I rented Batman at the Blockbuster, and I put it in, and I'm sitting at home, and I'm watching it.

[714] And then all of a sudden I see this shadow, and then I turn my head, and I see another shadow, and I look up, and there's a bat flying around the apartment.

[715] And I'm like, what, and I'm scared shitless of bats.

[716] Like, it's like my thing.

[717] And it's like, ever since I was a kid, my aunt had this barn near her, and they had bats.

[718] And they would be told me they were fruit bats, and if they bite you, you'll get rabies, and you'll die.

[719] And so, and we would always be outside playing tag at night, and I would, the fucking bats would fly by, and I'd freak out.

[720] And so I'm alone in the apartment, and there's a bat flying around, and Batman is on TV.

[721] And so all I knew is they go in your hair, which I think is like.

[722] like not even true.

[723] So I put on a baseball cap backwards and I had on sunglasses and a tennis racket.

[724] I didn't want to go in my eyes.

[725] He's going to go for my eyes.

[726] That's so funny.

[727] So I'm running around the apartment.

[728] I'm swinging at him.

[729] He's taken off.

[730] He's like, you know, he's just, they're erratic the way they fly.

[731] You don't know where they're fucking going.

[732] And this goes on for like 10 minutes and then there's like a standoff and I'm waiting.

[733] And then I hear you coming up the stairs and you came in and you opened the door.

[734] And you came in and you opened the door and you go, what the fuck are you doing?

[735] I thought, there's a bat in here.

[736] And you just grabbed the tennis racket out of my hand and he walked up and he was in the window and you just bashed him once and he just went down.

[737] And then you just walked over and you had takeout in your hand and you just went into the kitchen and started eating it.

[738] I'm standing there with sunglasses and a hat -off.

[739] I remember that.

[740] That's hilarious.

[741] That's hilarious.

[742] I probably wouldn't even killed it if you weren't already trying to kill it.

[743] I think you might I call the animal people.

[744] to come get it because it looked like it was stunned.

[745] Ooh.

[746] So I don't know if he was actually dead.

[747] It might have been sick.

[748] Oh, you mean once I hit it?

[749] No, it was dead.

[750] It was probably dead.

[751] Yeah, I remember I'm like, I'm not going to have this thing suffer.

[752] I don't remember what I did, but I remember there was some hitting involved.

[753] I'm pretty sure it was the tennis racket.

[754] Could have been.

[755] Yeah.

[756] But you were fearless.

[757] I was like, fuck, man. Well, I don't like bats, but I do know that on very rare, very rare occasions of bats.

[758] have rabies yeah it's very very rare so like like same thing with like squirrels very rare they have rabies but i'm not taking any fucking chances i'm not getting rabies dude right get rabies you have some crazy shot they put through your stomach you know you can call in retrospect probably could have tried to save the thing throw throw but it might have been sick too yeah i don't flown in there was a lot of bats in that neighborhood in brookline yeah there were raccoons too right Remember those raccoons?

[759] Here in L .A. you get rats.

[760] They're everywhere.

[761] The Hollywood Hills, apparently, is especially bad.

[762] Yeah, they're filled with them.

[763] Well, there probably isn't as many birds.

[764] You know, you don't see hawks flying around that much.

[765] You see a lot more hawks.

[766] And they're not around, so they're not killing the vermin.

[767] Well, it's also, unfortunately, coyotes, too.

[768] People hate coyotes, and I, you know, I'm not a fan because they will kill your dog right in front of you.

[769] And they would bite children if they could get away with it.

[770] Oh, yeah.

[771] There's been many instances.

[772] I mean, they don't have, like, rules.

[773] They're just, they're opportunists.

[774] And if you have a three -year -old and it's wandering around naked, a coyote will eat it.

[775] It's just, I mean, it's a fucked up thing to say because most people don't leave their three -year -olds alone.

[776] But, you know, coyotes are creepy.

[777] But they do keep rat populations down.

[778] And, like, there is a balance that has to be, unless we're going to kill all the rats, too, like we're just going to be the executioners in the fucking natural world.

[779] Yeah.

[780] Doesn't work like that.

[781] It doesn't work like that.

[782] So when you force coyotes out of neighborhoods, which I agree with, it's a two -edged sword.

[783] Yeah.

[784] Because I don't want coyotes killing my friend's dog.

[785] Yeah, that's a sad thing.

[786] There's one of the guys that, I think it was one of the guys that worked on Fear Factor.

[787] I forget who it was.

[788] In his neighborhood, this lady was walking her dog in Brentwood, and this fucking coyote came running up behind her.

[789] She said she just heard click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, and she didn't even know what it was.

[790] And it just snatched her fucking dog right off the leash and ran with it.

[791] Yeah?

[792] Just grabbed it right in front of her.

[793] She screamed, she let go of the leash, the coyote ran off with her dog.

[794] Wow.

[795] Killed it right in front of her.

[796] Brazen.

[797] Shit.

[798] That's brutal.

[799] So I would rather have rat traps out than those little fucking cunty dog -eaten monsters.

[800] Yeah, yeah.

[801] They'll eat dogs, man. I mean, that's, that is on the diet.

[802] Because I guess are coyotes related to wolves?

[803] Fuck yeah.

[804] They're dogs.

[805] They're all dogs.

[806] Right.

[807] Everything comes from wolves.

[808] Because you've got to think if you come from a wolf and you're now a coyote, you're pretty badass.

[809] And then you see an Americanized like a small dog.

[810] They are not very tough.

[811] You probably don't even see it as the same species as you.

[812] That's just an easy, soft lunch.

[813] Well, what's fucked is that coyotes are actually so clever that they will get dogs to think that they're their friends.

[814] Like, they come around, they hang out with them.

[815] They're right outside the fence.

[816] Yeah.

[817] Like, my neighbor has this little dog.

[818] He has a beagle.

[819] And he says the coyote comes out and the dog starts wagging its tail.

[820] Like, look, my friend is here.

[821] But meanwhile, that coyote will eat that beagle.

[822] The beagle thinks everybody's like him.

[823] You know, at 4 o 'clock in the afternoon, the food gets put into a bowl, and his tail wags, and he waddles his little fucking chubby body over to the bowl, and he eats.

[824] And meanwhile, outside, it's this thing, his ribs are showing, and it's getting this big, long face just designed for snatching shit up.

[825] And it's like, come on, man. Come on outside and play.

[826] Hey, I'm your friend, Mr. Beagle.

[827] I like you.

[828] Come on out, man. Look at my tail.

[829] Look at my tail.

[830] Look at my tail.

[831] Look, the door's open, man. The door's open.

[832] Should I come out?

[833] Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.

[834] Just use your nose.

[835] Use your nose.

[836] Open the door.

[837] Come on.

[838] Just grab them.

[839] Come here.

[840] Check this out.

[841] Check this up.

[842] Run with them.

[843] Oh, yeah.

[844] Poor big.

[845] I was on playing golf recently in this coyote just came out on the course.

[846] Just looked at us.

[847] It wasn't scared at all.

[848] Yeah.

[849] They're slippery because, you know, I'm not saying I hate them.

[850] I think there's something beautiful about their existence.

[851] I don't want to do it.

[852] But there's something beautiful about this animal that lives, like just adjacent.

[853] to civilization, intertwined slightly, occasionally dips into their world and steals a cat, you know?

[854] Last once to leave the party.

[855] See, they got one of my chickens.

[856] I watched it.

[857] Watch it jump over the fence with my chicken.

[858] Yeah?

[859] Yeah, recently.

[860] It was, it jumped over, like, I had a fountain, and it jumped onto the fountain and then right over the fence.

[861] I got the fountain right up, like one of those little portable little fountains.

[862] With the chicken in his mouth, just boom.

[863] Just right over.

[864] It's a nice meal for him, huh?

[865] times before yeah i had a chicken in one of not in the regular pen but in another box and it was uh when chickens brood you have to uh you have to take them away from the rest of the chickens um you got to take them out of their box you're going to force them to sit on a perch for like usually a day or two and then they calm down they get out of it but if you don't they'll start picking their feathers off and what it is is like females in the natural world of chickens they want to fuck a rooster and And they want the egg that they give, you know, they make an egg almost every day.

[866] But most of the time those eggs are unfertilized.

[867] So the eggs that we eat are unfertilized eggs.

[868] I didn't even fucking know this.

[869] I was in my 40s.

[870] I thought that all eggs could be chumped chickens if you just laid on them, which is really retarded.

[871] I had no idea that chickens just lay an egg every day, whether or not they're pregnant or not.

[872] So how do they know which ones to sit on?

[873] They don't.

[874] I mean, you know, when you leave the eggs there, some of them they'll like.

[875] I guess like some of them time sometimes they'll peck away at their eggs and they'll eat them and you have to like make sure that they don't do that they're really stupid man yeah they're stupid as fuck but when they get broody when they get broody is when they think that somehow or another one of these eggs even though there's no rooster is going to become a baby so they sit on it and they don't want to get off of it and then they start pecking at their belly and fluffing it up and it gets ugly but you could fix it as long as you catch it early catch it early you just put them on a perch so it was a smaller box and the coyote got on it under it and smashed the bottom of it and stole the chicken huh it's fucked up man clever little cunt you ever get attacked by a chicken never they never bit you no but if they did that would be the end of their life that's my rules right yeah no I'm just kidding but do oh you don't you don't raise them to eat them no no they're little pets oh really they're pets oh they're pets that make food I feel bad I was more sensitive to the loss of your chicken no I mean I would I would do that I mean you name chicken yeah I don't.

[876] My kids do.

[877] I don't, like, I don't have any desire to eat these chickens.

[878] Like, they're cool.

[879] I like having them around.

[880] I like eating their eggs.

[881] But it's a really weird thing that I buy other chicken from a grocery store.

[882] Like, I'll go to a grocery store and buy chickens.

[883] He's completely murdered, fucked up chicken.

[884] You don't get to ever look at its face.

[885] You don't have to cut its neck and see its last blood drip out of it.

[886] You don't have to really recognize what it is you're doing.

[887] when you're eating a chicken.

[888] Right.

[889] You're just letting the supermarket hitman take care of all the dirty work for you.

[890] Well, it's almost like we've got this hamster that's in a cage in our house, which is really, to me, the saddest thing in the world because he's alone and nobody holds him.

[891] My daughter picks him up, like, once a week for about 20 minutes, tops.

[892] Wow.

[893] And the rest of the time, he gnaws on the bars to get out.

[894] And I just think, like, this is the most pathetic existential existence this thing lives in.

[895] And I hate that we have him as a pet.

[896] And then we had a mouse that was loose, and we set a trap.

[897] And I was like, this mouse and that hamster are a fucking chromosome apart.

[898] And one of them we hold and pat and give a little baths in a little fucking butter dish.

[899] Yeah.

[900] And the other one, I'm trying to snap his neck with a spring.

[901] Well, how about squirrels, man?

[902] I mean, squirrels have this free ride in the rodent community.

[903] Nobody hates squirrels.

[904] Everybody hates rats.

[905] But squirrels, all they had to do was get cute.

[906] All they had to do, listen.

[907] Just stay an herbivore, don't go eat any animal protein, and grow something pretty.

[908] Grow a big fluffy tail that looks cute.

[909] Do a little tail show.

[910] They do a little tail show.

[911] They chew in their little nuts.

[912] And everybody thinks they're cute.

[913] Little kids walk up to these wild rodents, and they'll give them nuts.

[914] Could you imagine if you saw your little kid walking up to a fucking rat, how much you'd be terrified?

[915] But they're like, we're so confident in their behavior.

[916] that will just walk up to them, give them peanuts and shit.

[917] Oh, I used to love squirrels.

[918] We had them where I grew up.

[919] I used to feed them all the time, give them little peanuts.

[920] There's a park in North Hollywood that you could go to, and these squirrels, apparently people have been feeding them forever.

[921] So they come up to you when they see you.

[922] They're like, you got something for me?

[923] You got something for me?

[924] And I watched this one dude, this old Chinese guy, he laid down on a blanket and he had a bag of peanuts, and he would just slowly reach his hand out, and squirrels would come over and just take it from them.

[925] They were so confident.

[926] Yeah.

[927] Just greets.

[928] I mean, he's holding the peanut.

[929] They're just taking it from him.

[930] And they just stepped back just a little bit, and they would eat it.

[931] They didn't worry about him at all.

[932] It's true.

[933] They're just a rodent that got cute.

[934] That's it.

[935] I mean, it's like going back to the wolf.

[936] Like the dogs that we have today are just the wolves that were able to be around man. They were able to chill the fuck out, grab some scraps.

[937] Man liked him because he was protection.

[938] Yeah.

[939] Wolf liked the man because he was giving him food.

[940] But it weeded out the vicious ones until they got smaller and cuter, and we crafted them to be the little lap dogs that we wanted?

[941] The crazy thing is how short of a time it takes to do that to change these animals.

[942] Like, we don't know how long it took before wolves became dogs, but they did this experiment.

[943] They did a, I was listening to this podcast on Radio Lab.

[944] I forget the name of it, but it was about wolves.

[945] And they did this experiment on, I was about dogs, dogs in their wild nature, whatever the fuck it was.

[946] But they did this experiment with foxes where this guy was raised, foxes and whenever he would go towards like the cage where the fox were if the foxes were scared of him if they like feared him if there was any like aggression towards him he'd kill those foxes so the only foxes that he let stay alive were the foxes that were actually like happy to see people and then over time they did this over a period of like 10 years they literally changed the way the foxes looked they changed the way their face looked their face became smaller their bones became more petite they became different colors their colors changed their overall even the males their bodies became much more feminine and they became domesticated like in 10 years to the point where you would go near the fox cage and they would wag their tail and like whimper to be near you like they wanted to be near people and they were in a fucking fur factory essentially They're killing these things And this guy Recorded all this stuff And did these studies Over the period of like 10 years Change the foxes that he had Change them Sounds like a George Orwell book Was it something about the reaction to adrenaline That some of these animals Didn't have the same reaction to adrenaline The same response to seeing strangers And that those By favoring those You sort of domesticated this animal Like very quickly And the idea behind it was they were trying to make an analogy towards people like that we're kind of doing that with society if you look at the way people used to be like there was some study recently about hunter gatherers and the difference between their bones and our bones that their bones were much more dense and because these people were working from the time they were babies I mean they just never stopped like picking things up and climbing hills and like they were constantly at work but we're becoming like more and more fragile as we sit at desks all day and sit in our car to get to our desk and sit on the couch to watch the TV after you're done and then read a book in bed I mean fucking we're falling apart we're like mush yeah and that you know when you really think about that like that's kind of very similar to what is happening with those foxes it's just a matter of preferring one type of behavior not breeding with the other ones and I think their premise was about like the best way to eliminate like war and eliminate all these different negative aspects of our culture would be for and people have said this for people like that to just people to stop fucking them stop fucking the savages stop fucking all the people that want to go to war yeah i give as as a as a rule like all across the world if women just stop fucking all men who want to go to war well if you think about it and stay with me on this because it's a little dark but If the people that are natural soldiers, they are going to war, and they are dying without breeding as much as the guys that are afraid to go to war.

[947] Right.

[948] So in a sense, there is some natural selection.

[949] If that is a gene, if there is a gene that makes you more, you know, likely to want to go to battle.

[950] That kind of makes sense.

[951] Someone's car alarm.

[952] Isn't that hilarious?

[953] Like, back in the day, car alarms were, like, something that anybody took seriously?

[954] Like, oh my God, there's a car alarm going up.

[955] I bet this is a crime.

[956] Now it's like asshole.

[957] Yeah.

[958] Is that in the back or in the front?

[959] Front?

[960] Yeah, you go take a look at it if you want.

[961] Just make sure it's not one of ours.

[962] One of ours?

[963] Yeah, I mean, let's somebody hit your car, and that's why the alarm's going on.

[964] Yeah.

[965] That is possible.

[966] It's in the back.

[967] Oh, then don't worry about it.

[968] These people, what they got?

[969] Remember those ones that would do, like, different.

[970] I remember in, when I lived in Little Italy, this fucking Cadillac got tapped and it played the theme from the godfather.

[971] That's hilarious.

[972] Remember everybody used to have that one alarm, that one type of alarm?

[973] Do do, do, do da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, do, do.

[974] You would hear that.

[975] You'd be like, fuck.

[976] Somebody, it was always somebody bumping into it while they were parking.

[977] And they used to go, they used to go for way longer.

[978] Now usually people are near their car.

[979] It's almost always somebody set it off by accident, which means it usually stops pretty quickly.

[980] But back then, it would go on for 10, 15 minutes.

[981] And you'd be going out of your fucking mind.

[982] You're sitting there trying to write on your computer or whatever.

[983] Death.

[984] Yeah, those things are fucking distracting and shit.

[985] When they came along with noise reducing headphones, that is, that was a beautiful thing.

[986] thing.

[987] To be able to sit and have, if you had like noise reducing headphones on right now, you could totally filter that out.

[988] Yeah.

[989] Most of it.

[990] Well, the mics probably didn't pick up on that.

[991] Do you think they did?

[992] Yeah, if some of these, like, got headphones on, I bet they could hear it.

[993] That was pretty fucking loud.

[994] But those Bose ones, I mean, I've got a pair.

[995] I've had the same pair.

[996] Put it this way.

[997] I've had them long enough that I got replacement, you know, the rubber padding thing in the middle.

[998] I was in a Bose store and I was like, oh, fuck, you can buy replacements?

[999] Because I had stopped using them because they just wore out.

[1000] And I popped in some new ones.

[1001] I swear to got 10.

[1002] years I've had these things.

[1003] They still, I don't think they make a better version.

[1004] It's like one of those products, you know, they make a year of it.

[1005] Like the Honda Civic in like 1982 was like a perfect fucking car.

[1006] Yeah.

[1007] There's a bunch of cars from that era that are like, to this day, like they're becoming like really valuable.

[1008] Like Volvo DLs.

[1009] Land Cruisers.

[1010] Yeah.

[1011] Those old Toyota land cruisers.

[1012] People are taking those land cruisers.

[1013] The old ones that look like jeeps and even the newer ones like after that and they're fixing them up.

[1014] and selling them for over $100 ,000.

[1015] What?

[1016] Yeah.

[1017] No shit.

[1018] Yeah.

[1019] There's a company called ICON, and they make incredible cars, man. I mean, it's like you're talking about very, very expensive shit, and I agree.

[1020] I mean, it's not necessarily something that I would buy, because it is a lot of fucking money.

[1021] But they take these, like, Broncos, and they take an old Bronco, they take the shell, and they completely redo it with the highest end components, like the best suspension possible.

[1022] a completely modern engine with like 400 horsepower they take a coyote engine from the 5 .0 Mustang so it's a Mustang GT engine like this crate engine it's a beautiful engine they stick it in an old Bronco those really cool old ones I love those bodies you gotta see pull up like the convertible ones icon Bronco pull up the silver one because there's a fucking silver one if it doesn't make you dipart so people are spending all this money for the body live well it's not just the body it's the engineering like this guy I forget his name I think Jonathan Ward I think his name is the guy who is the lead CEO whatever the fuck he is president of this company just leave that thing on there for a second so I can stare at it good Lord that's beautiful look at that fucking truck how long that hood is God damn that's a fucking work of art man It's like something you played with as a kid and dreamed of driving Yeah like when you think about a regular truck Like regular trucks are cool You know hey you know you got kids You want to pile them into an escalade That's cool But if you see that that thing driving down the street i mean that's like some mad max apocalyptic wonder ride it's a cool west side car too because it looks like you could take it on the beach you could take that on the beach you could take that wherever the fuck you want to go well that's what i think about is when the shit hits the fan and it's going to in l .a obviously there's going to be some type of a terrorist strike or there's going to be a poisoning of oh hey easy easy easy gregg fitzimmons i want to have i've uh prius and my wife has a toy at highlander so if i want to get a out, I know the way out, because if I live in Venice, I'm the last one in line for the 10, for the 405, for the Pacific Coast Highway.

[1023] We're the last ones to leave L .A. Like, lock up on our way out.

[1024] Everyone's in front of us.

[1025] Right.

[1026] So I think, well, you get two options.

[1027] One of them is to jump on a boat.

[1028] Like you've got to be able to Jerry Rigg a something simple little fucking motorboat, go off to Catalina Island, wade it out.

[1029] The other option is, like, because when I was a teenager, we used to ride motorcycles on the power lines because wherever there's power lines, they have to have a path cleared underneath it so they can service the power lines.

[1030] So if you drive dirt bikes, you always know if there's power lines, there's a good trail underneath it.

[1031] Wow.

[1032] So if you want to get out to L .A., you get on one of those power lines, but you need a truck like that.

[1033] You need something with like a lot of clearance, big fat wheels.

[1034] Dude.

[1035] Do you want to live if the apocalypse hits?

[1036] Like, okay, there's stages is the apocalypse.

[1037] There's a power goes out apocalypse.

[1038] That's going to suck.

[1039] Yeah.

[1040] Especially if it's in July.

[1041] People are going to be hot as fuck.

[1042] No one's going to know what to do.

[1043] People are going to be camping out in the beach because they can't take living in the valley in the middle of the summer.

[1044] There's going to be some shortages of food for sure.

[1045] There's going to be some looting for sure.

[1046] You can't pump gas because they're all electric pumps.

[1047] It's going to be a real problem until they figure out how to get the power back on.

[1048] And, you know, there's been situations in other parts of the world where power in a modern city has been off for weeks.

[1049] Like Toronto apparently had some crazy ice storm in the 90s and you know it was like fucking zero below you know 10 below zero something like that horrible horrible weather you know Celsius whatever they do up there and these people have no power for like two fucking weeks and in Toronto wow in the middle of the winter so that it could happen in L .A. man if it happened in L .A. in the summer it could get ugly quick so that would be one that's like one kind of apocalypse okay I can handle that that's not that bad but the real bad one is like super volcano earthquake asteroid impact those are the big tsunami tsunami I mean I'm right in a tsunami zone you probably are well I am because the way the bay is shaped you know you've got you know from the palisades down to whatever Manhattan Beach is all one half circle basically and Venice is in the center of that half circle so as the water is rushing in from a tsunami it's all getting channeled into one which is Venice Beach.

[1050] Oh, my God.

[1051] And that shit's going to come straight down Venice Boulevard, take everything out.

[1052] The canals.

[1053] Canals will be underwater.

[1054] That's right.

[1055] It's canals.

[1056] Right.

[1057] They have canals right through the city.

[1058] Yeah.

[1059] Get out now.

[1060] Get out now.

[1061] Actually, we moved up to hill.

[1062] We moved from Venice to Mar Vista, which is about a mile, but it's straight up hill.

[1063] The people that live on the beach, like right on the water, a bold as fuck.

[1064] Bold as fuck.

[1065] You have to have some, either some mad loot, whether it's like house number five, some, you know, CEO of Q -tips or some shit You know And his house is shaped like a Q -tip And the servants replaced with real cotton every day That would be it Q -tips man Because people are not going to stop using Q -tips And there's no like Nobody wants the generic ones Because the generic ones are like They get flat Q -tips stay fluffy as shit Yeah Who's the asshole that makes those Q -tip fake Q -tips with plastic stems.

[1066] You cut the inside of your ear because you're digging around.

[1067] The fucking cotton falls right off.

[1068] Now you've got a cocktail straw in your ear.

[1069] Now the real Q -tips is like one of those, again, going back to like the 82 Civic or it's just they made perfect products.

[1070] And sometimes you just, you nail it, you got it.

[1071] Walk away.

[1072] Walk away.

[1073] Walk away.

[1074] You know, certain cameras, like I don't know what kind of camera you got, But I had those old cannons, the original, like, first -generation cannon video cameras, they were high eight.

[1075] They were beautiful pieces of machinery that I have one that I still use to this day.

[1076] Wow.

[1077] Yeah, I mean, if you got really good shit that does the purpose and does it at a really high level, you essentially could just maintain it forever.

[1078] That's what they've been really doing in Cuba with cars, you know.

[1079] If you go to Cuba, you look at their cars, apparently a large percentage of them are American automobiles.

[1080] the 50s and 60s.

[1081] Big -ass cars.

[1082] Crazy and beautiful and in really good shape.

[1083] Oh, yeah.

[1084] And I think that's what that guy's doing with those icons.

[1085] He's just taking these old cars and just putting the best components on it and building, you know, like what it could have been.

[1086] Oh, yeah, guys from Europe come over here and they buy muscle cars and they just ship them right over to Germany, double it.

[1087] They're worth a lot of money in other countries, I'm sure.

[1088] Yeah.

[1089] There's a flavor those things have, too, those American muscle cars that, like, the best engineered cars, in my opinion, are like the Japanese and the German and some of the Italians.

[1090] They have some amazing engineered cars.

[1091] But like the coolest cars?

[1092] There's no question.

[1093] Like just straight cool.

[1094] 69 Mustang rolls up.

[1095] Just shut the fuck up.

[1096] Everybody shut the fuck up.

[1097] You have a Ferrari and a Lamborghini your doors open up like wings.

[1098] Stop.

[1099] Just stop.

[1100] If somebody pulls up one of those Eleanor Mustangs, on those 67 GT 500s, just, good Lord, what a beautiful car that is.

[1101] Yeah, it's so simple.

[1102] They just nailed it.

[1103] Yeah.

[1104] Like those corvettes, like, you ever see those corvettes from like 1968, 69, that stingray car?

[1105] Yeah, the beautiful fucking, and the wide tires and the wide back end, that rumble that engine.

[1106] It looked like a lion about to pounce with big back.

[1107] hunches and just They just nailed it I don't know what drugs they were doing When they were designing cars in the 60s But they just fucking nailed it They nailed it over and over again Barracudas I mean everybody was just creating Yeah they were creating these fucking masterpieces Yeah yeah They're getting back to that now for sure Like the cars look better today than it did for a long time But I would really like to know What the fuck happened What happened In like the 1980s where things went so bad Yeah Like, I know there's peaks and valleys and a lot of things, but in American automobile design, it doesn't make any sense.

[1108] Yeah, and at the exact same time is when the Japanese cars that are coming out, just when we needed to be at our best to compete, we suddenly just, I don't know what, you know, the factories where they...

[1109] I don't know.

[1110] I bet there's probably two versions of the story.

[1111] There's the pro -union version and the con union version.

[1112] Yeah.

[1113] Oh, I'm sure there's a lot of people that blame the unions.

[1114] I mean, it's tough because I was just talking to somebody who's very pro -union yesterday.

[1115] day.

[1116] And I'm very pro -union, but I'm starting to slip a little bit in some ways.

[1117] Like, I'm in the Writers Guild, and I'm very, you know, I walked the walk.

[1118] I walked away from a deal so I could walk the picket line.

[1119] And my dad was in the radio union after for his whole career.

[1120] That's what left my, left my mom a pension.

[1121] And I, and I believe that there should be a living wage for people.

[1122] But I also think, God, how do we fix these fucking corrupt broken engines?

[1123] Like what corrupt broken engines union -wise?

[1124] You mean like things like, Well, construction, certain, you know...

[1125] Teamsters, that kind of shit.

[1126] Yeah, if you want to build something, it's really gotten to the point where you're just getting squows from every direction.

[1127] And it's adding, you know, I'd rather see another guy get a job than see the union just absorb that much more money.

[1128] Well, any of times you have bureaucracy, bureaucracy, anytime you have a large number of people that are involved in something that really only needs a couple people.

[1129] You know, I mean, how many people really need to be involved in going over your...

[1130] your construction plans or how many people really need.

[1131] I mean, once you establish environmental parameters, things like people trying to fix their house up or something like that, like how many people really need to be involved in this?

[1132] Like, are you hiring a contractor?

[1133] Does a contractor know what he's doing?

[1134] Yes.

[1135] Okay.

[1136] Well, we're good.

[1137] Yeah.

[1138] Like, let me just get the fuck out of your hair.

[1139] Yeah.

[1140] Like, unless you're doing something dangerous, we're just going to assume that everyone's doing something dangerous.

[1141] No, there's a lot of people getting paid off, too.

[1142] I have a friend who is trying to get a house built.

[1143] and they're dealing with this commission in this area, this particular area they're trying to develop a house and they've literally been told like you have to like grease wheels you have to like to get things moving to get things approved you have to like get on people's good side like they're saying things to these people like to indicate that like Amy you might want to buy these people something you might want to bribe them you might be friends with them either closer you can get to these people the easier they'll lube this process like this is so bizarre this is like they have power over you.

[1144] This is not like there's real clear parameters.

[1145] This is how we operate, regardless of whether or not we'd like you or don't like you.

[1146] No, there's like this is like this little wiggle room going on.

[1147] I mean, that's essentially what corruption really is, right?

[1148] It's wiggle room.

[1149] Yeah, it's never, nobody ever states it as corruption.

[1150] Nobody ever says black and white, I'm bribing this guy.

[1151] It's just, I happen to take this guy out to dinner.

[1152] Well, it starts there.

[1153] Yeah.

[1154] Well, was that the difference between him going with you and going with somebody else?

[1155] Very likely.

[1156] Well, then that's a bribe.

[1157] that's true right in a lot of ways i mean you should be able to hire whoever the fuck you want if it's your money and your job but when you're talking about something like you know a union that's involved in construction or a union's involved and you know coastal commissions those type of things you know where people are deciding whether or the groups of people that decide whether or not this happens to or that doesn't happen yeah things get real weird man well japan is ridiculous Apparently, like, you know, they tried to build a high -speed railroad, or they did build a high -speed railroad.

[1158] And the unions, not the unions, but the different levels of bureaucracy within the government and privately were squeezing everybody to the point where the project was 10 times as much as it should have been, and then the train started crashing because they were trying to save so much money they were putting inferior parts in.

[1159] Yeah, that's where the argument for unions come in, right?

[1160] because it's not a it's not a black and white issue like I definitely think look we're talking about Foxcon and all those people that are being forced to work for such a horrible wage they're jumping off roofs you gotta you gotta establish like a living wage you got to establish like if people are working for you and this is a valuable thing they're doing for you like you have to pay them enough so they could feed themselves and clothe themselves like you can't so like in and then you know healthcare and all the different things that are going to come up I mean you're a a piece of their organization and they're they're demanding to be recognized as a valuable piece of the organization like you can't have all the money like that's what it is like you have people working for you you need to pay them that makes sense but it's like whenever you get a group that is exploiting these uh these laws that are in place to protect people like that's when shit gets weird like my buddy was in the um automotive industry in Detroit he was in the auto workers union And he was telling me, like, how crazy some of the contracts were and some of the gigs were.

[1161] They had this thing where you would both work.

[1162] You would have a two -man contract, like, meaning that this was a, this, not a two -man contract, a two -man job.

[1163] Like, this job to run this machine, it really only took one guy.

[1164] Yeah.

[1165] But they would, the union would require two men.

[1166] So you guys get two guys, get jobs.

[1167] So you're both, you would do four hours a day.

[1168] Yeah.

[1169] Like, you would do four hours in the morning, and I would come in at noon, and I would take over, and I would do the job for the next four hours.

[1170] And then you go to the gym, you go fucking have lunch, you literally would work four hours a day.

[1171] And that's what they all did.

[1172] And they all were making like 150 grand a year.

[1173] Right.

[1174] I mean, it was crazy money.

[1175] He was talking about how much money these different workers were making.

[1176] He's like, you know, if you got to a certain level, like you got benefits, you got this, it was like super expensive to keep all those people employed at that level.

[1177] Not only that, but for that money that you're paying them, you're also paying 13 % into the union, which pays for the benefits.

[1178] So that, you know, if, you What's $50 an hour or that worker actually costs the employer, you know, what's $12 % of $50, $6, $7?

[1179] Something along those lines.

[1180] Does it matter?

[1181] Did I need to break down that math?

[1182] No, I don't think so.

[1183] I think your listeners get it.

[1184] Yeah.

[1185] I think unions, if used correctly, are a nice sort of insurance to people getting paid a fair wage and getting treated ethically and having.

[1186] you know, money distributed in an ethical and fair way.

[1187] There, you know, a problem with anything is things don't always go the way they should, best case scenario.

[1188] Yeah, it's almost like you've got to start over again with the unions.

[1189] You've got to get still, like the teachers union is insane.

[1190] You got women in there.

[1191] There was a woman that, women, there's male teachers.

[1192] I dare you.

[1193] No, I was thinking about this one woman, though, that works at my kid's school.

[1194] And she had liquor on her breath, and she was like, you know, just ignoring the class and reading the paper, and like, they couldn't get rid of her they just yeah it was just impossible to get rid of her there's so much you have to go through well 10 years a weird thing man and i had this professor you get it after three years as a teacher that's it three years welcome to the jungle though you gotta survive three years yeah right yeah especially in l. you deserve it who you get through three years of working in L .A. babysitting kids you're gray hair the women are balls you're just beating down yeah ulcers and shit yeah fucking how many kids brought a gun to class today it's a weird world man It's a weird world.

[1195] There's so many haves and have -nots in this world.

[1196] It doesn't seem to be any solution or anybody reaching for it.

[1197] But that might be the one thing that's ever going to level anything out when it comes to.

[1198] Unions?

[1199] Yeah.

[1200] I mean, having groups of people that are all behaving in an ethical way, having them in a large number, like whether it's a big group like the actors union or whether it's a carpenter's union or it's just it's fucking really hard.

[1201] It's really hard to get people all together in a group like that to act ethically.

[1202] To just like always be cool.

[1203] Just to agree.

[1204] I mean, unions just split apart.

[1205] There was the Writers Guild East and the Writers Guild West, which effectively, you know, destroyed the power of either one.

[1206] There was AFRA and SAG, which are both actors unions.

[1207] They're finally combined now, but it should have been, it should right now.

[1208] It should be the DGA, which is the Director's Guild, the Writers Guild, and the Actors' Union should all be under the same time.

[1209] And Aiazzi, which is like the technical guy.

[1210] It should all be one union because what they do is the studios will line it up so that the contract for the actors union comes up in January every two years.

[1211] But then they set up the Writers Guild to renew in February every two years, but they make them off years.

[1212] So that way you've never got everybody lining up against you on a union contract at the same time.

[1213] And they can weaken everybody.

[1214] What kind of disagreements do they have?

[1215] Like, when you have disagreements in, like, the actors union or something like that?

[1216] Mostly it's digital downloads, which is a battle that everybody lost.

[1217] You know, that should have been...

[1218] I mean, I just got a residual check on a TV show that I did.

[1219] And I got...

[1220] First, I got the check for the reruns on TV, cable reruns.

[1221] Then I got the one for digital online.

[1222] And the one on cable was like, I know, $1 ,700.

[1223] And the same usage period on digital was like $1 ,300.

[1224] And it's like probably more views digitally than it was on cable.

[1225] But we gave that away during the last strike.

[1226] Ooh, yeah.

[1227] They weren't looking down the road.

[1228] They were really fighting for network and cable re -usage and they weren't looking at...

[1229] They missed it.

[1230] Yeah, Netflix, all this shit that's taken off.

[1231] We're barely getting a taste of it.

[1232] That's crazy.

[1233] Yeah.

[1234] They missed that.

[1235] That's a big one to miss. It's the whole future.

[1236] Wow, that is so nuts.

[1237] Yeah.

[1238] But there's benefits, right, to having a union?

[1239] Fuck yeah.

[1240] What do you think are like the primary benefits of...

[1241] Well, I've had my health coverage, because I've been in the Writers Guild for like 13 years straight.

[1242] So I've had my health insurance paid for.

[1243] It's amazing coverage, low deductible, low premiums.

[1244] It's like, I think I pay like $250 a quarter or something crazy.

[1245] That's amazing.

[1246] And I'm paying $13 ,000.

[1247] I was in the union for 12 years out for one year, and now I'm back in again.

[1248] And that one year that I had off, I paid $13 ,000 for my first.

[1249] family.

[1250] So that's, you know, that's a lot of money right there.

[1251] Right.

[1252] And then you get the residuals that come in, which is big.

[1253] And, um, you don't get abused.

[1254] You know, you have certain, like, you get meals, you get, um, they can't, they can only work you a certain number of hours.

[1255] I mean, there's not too many people to dig in on that, but the spirit of it is there.

[1256] You know, producers know that they, if you're in the union, that they're not going to, I've worked on both sides of it.

[1257] I've worked non -union jobs.

[1258] And as, as a producer, not a writer.

[1259] Um, because I can't, but I've seen the hours that you work and how you, writers guild jobs, you get, you can take an hour for lunch.

[1260] Yeah.

[1261] And you also get treated in like a pretty commensurate way.

[1262] Right.

[1263] You know, like, when you're in a SAG TV show or something like that, it's like, it's pretty across the board, everybody's pretty professional.

[1264] Like, as far as like, you know, you've got a craft service table, you know, this is where your dressing room is, you know, you're out by X amount of times.

[1265] You have a 12 -hour turnover.

[1266] Like, they have all these rules.

[1267] Yeah.

[1268] They have to follow by those rules.

[1269] When they go over, like, they get all bummed out.

[1270] Like, everybody gets bummed out.

[1271] It's super expensive when they start going overtime.

[1272] And money talks.

[1273] That makes them get...

[1274] There's no way, like, most shows shouldn't take more than eight hours to shoot, you know, and instead it takes 15.

[1275] Why do you think that is?

[1276] Because everybody wants to brand whatever it is that they're putting into the project.

[1277] You know, if you're the hairstylist, you want the hair to look perfect.

[1278] If you're, you know, the set guy, you want...

[1279] You need an extra 20 minutes to do this, as opposed to if there's penalties, it's like, no, we got to fucking go, get it done, and then we're going to move on.

[1280] So I think with cable, there's usually not a strong hand on the wheel as much as there is in network shows where there's somebody that's a showrunner that really has to answer the studio and say, no, we are done at 6 p .m. That's it.

[1281] You know, maybe they go an hour long.

[1282] But I work on cable shows where I worked on one, and it was T .I .'s wife, Tiny.

[1283] and her ghetto fabulous friends.

[1284] Wow, what'd you do on that?

[1285] It was a panel show.

[1286] I was, what was I on that?

[1287] I was the showrunner on that.

[1288] And they came in, and we were supposed to start tipping at 4 o 'clock, started at 7 p .m. Because they all were getting their hair done, and it was a cat fight.

[1289] The next night we were taping again, supposed to be 4 o 'clock taping, 7 .30.

[1290] Wow.

[1291] You know how much fucking money that is?

[1292] That's a lot of money.

[1293] You're paying everybody all their union wages for 3 .5 hours.

[1294] Right.

[1295] And then you're going long, which means now you're going into overtime wages on the other side.

[1296] So there's many good things about having a union.

[1297] There's many good things about those unions.

[1298] Oh, yeah.

[1299] There's some unions that are fucked, man. There's a big dispute right now with the UFC and the culinary union.

[1300] And the culinary union is they attack the UFC and make all these like websites and posts and they have like stories that they have people write about how horrible the UFC is because they want the UFC.

[1301] to give up station casinos owns the UFC.

[1302] The UFC is owned by Zufa.

[1303] They own station casinos.

[1304] They owned the UFC.

[1305] And they own 22 casinos.

[1306] And if those casinos went union, they're not union, they're non -union.

[1307] And I guess I might be speaking out of school here.

[1308] I don't really know.

[1309] I believe, check this, that the workers don't want it to be union.

[1310] Like they voted against it because they didn't want to pay the wages.

[1311] But if they did pay the wages, I guess they're happy with what they make.

[1312] They want to pay the dues.

[1313] The dues.

[1314] But if they did do it, the culinary union would make some insane amount of money every year, millions of dollars every year.

[1315] So what they do is they have this like smear campaign, like constant smear campaign about the UFC.

[1316] And they hired politicians.

[1317] And one of them actually just got busted.

[1318] It's one of the main guys in New York that they had supposedly that had been a roadblock to getting the UFC legalized in New York.

[1319] UFC is not legal in New York.

[1320] Still?

[1321] No, still, to this day.

[1322] It's illegal in New York State.

[1323] The reason being because of corrupt politicians and all goes back to the culinary union trying to keep the UFC, like trying to turn the station casinos into union casinos.

[1324] Right.

[1325] So they're spending all this money and like getting people upset about the UFC and making all these nutty websites and anytime anybody says anything fucked up, anytime anything goes wrong, the culinary union jumps all over it.

[1326] And they're just trying to muscle the UFC into relinquishing control of these.

[1327] casinos.

[1328] It's hilarious.

[1329] That's allegedly the story.

[1330] Obviously, I don't know all the details, so I should probably say for legal purposes, this is how it's been told to me. Yeah.

[1331] But ultimately, you know that if there's a lot of money to be made and you've got some organization that relies on keeping strong numbers of members, they're going to be, you know, financially motivated to try to make some things happen.

[1332] Smear campaigns are cheap.

[1333] I had a buddy was in the Teamsters.

[1334] Like when I was a kid, when I was like 21, 22 years old, he was a and he would work the docks.

[1335] He would fillet fish all day.

[1336] And he had a dent in his hip.

[1337] And the dent in his hip was from his hip pressing up against the fish fillet table all day.

[1338] He got a dent.

[1339] Really?

[1340] One hip was like dented in.

[1341] He was like, hey, I thought you right here.

[1342] It's dented.

[1343] Because he just leaned all day.

[1344] He leaned all day.

[1345] And he always smelt like fish.

[1346] Always smelt like fish.

[1347] This poor bastard.

[1348] I don't mean to laugh.

[1349] I mean, the guy's making a living.

[1350] But what a life.

[1351] Holy shit.

[1352] He was my.

[1353] boxing coach and so he would uh when he would rub this uh like vaseline stuff on your face there's stuff called abalone so that like punches when they they hit you they slide they don't cut you yeah the leather doesn't cut you so he'd rub this stuff all over your face you just smell fish uh fish and abeline and you just rub it so he so he was fillet and fish and training as a boxer yeah he's one of the craziest guys ever met he uh he got his finger bitten off in a street fight and they replaced it with his toe and they curved it permanently so he could still Right Hooks.

[1354] Crazy Irishman.

[1355] Joe Lake.

[1356] Which toe?

[1357] The big toe?

[1358] They took the second toe, not the big toe, but the one next to it.

[1359] I guess you don't use that.

[1360] I guess you don't need it.

[1361] You just strengthen up those last three babies.

[1362] Keep that party rolling with no toe.

[1363] No, I mean, the thing is, if you think about a finger, each one individually is doing things, but your toes are just that you don't even really need them.

[1364] We could get rid of toes at this point.

[1365] No, they do help you.

[1366] They help you with movement.

[1367] With movement and, you know, like, they're adjustable.

[1368] I guess you got to balance yourself.

[1369] Like, you need toes.

[1370] Like, it fucks with people when they lose a toe.

[1371] They lose a lot of their ability to move around.

[1372] Yeah.

[1373] It's not the same.

[1374] I used to caddy for this guy that something happened to him in Vietnam and his feet were paralyzed.

[1375] So, like, his ankles worked, but, like, from the ankle down, everything was just fucking dead.

[1376] Whoa.

[1377] And this guy walked, he walked, like, he'd have to almost bring his knee up.

[1378] in the front every time he'd step forward.

[1379] Like ski boots?

[1380] Yeah, almost like that.

[1381] And then he'd hit the ball and he just never could hit it straight because you need, you know, you need balance.

[1382] But the guy fucking loved golf.

[1383] He'd play like two rounds a day.

[1384] You have to caddy for him.

[1385] You'd be all over the course.

[1386] Look over this guy's fucking ball.

[1387] Fucking numb feet.

[1388] That's so weird.

[1389] What a weird ailment.

[1390] Dead feet.

[1391] I guess he's probably happy.

[1392] That was it.

[1393] Yeah.

[1394] Right.

[1395] On all the shit that could go wrong.

[1396] I know.

[1397] I know a dude who broke his.

[1398] his toe really bad and they told him he couldn't do jujitsu for six months if they were going to fix the toe or they could amputate it so he said cut it off no shit yeah which tell uh i think it was like the same one why am i so fascinated by which toes are in each story i think it was the one next to the big toe yeah i might be wrong wow one of his toes if you had to lose one toe which one would it be uh that little hmm that's a good question I was going to say that freeloader toe right next to the little toe.

[1399] All right.

[1400] That fucking toes.

[1401] Your ring finger.

[1402] Yeah.

[1403] That toe doesn't.

[1404] It does nothing.

[1405] I never pay attention to that toe.

[1406] No. Watch that toe a million times in my life.

[1407] I've never looked at it twice.

[1408] Do you go look at my pinky toe?

[1409] I check it out because it's weird.

[1410] Yeah.

[1411] I look at that tiny little nail.

[1412] Go look at this stupid nail.

[1413] You know, I'll look.

[1414] Looks like a clipping of another nail.

[1415] Yeah.

[1416] It's not even its own nail.

[1417] Put that little toe next to the pinky toe.

[1418] No love.

[1419] Gets no love.

[1420] Do you get in there and individually wash your toes?

[1421] I used to and now I don't.

[1422] You give up.

[1423] You got no desire.

[1424] Slap it on the top, slap it on the bottom, done.

[1425] I wash my feet, yeah.

[1426] In between.

[1427] I'm always doing stuff barefoot.

[1428] Yeah.

[1429] Like I lift weights barefoot.

[1430] I do kickboxing barefoot.

[1431] Jiu -Jitsu's barefoot.

[1432] It's all barefoot.

[1433] You got to get in there.

[1434] You also got to make sure you don't get athletes' foot.

[1435] Like, you know, athlete's foot is when you get those cracks underneath your toes, like at the base.

[1436] where the ball of your foot reaches the bottom of your toe.

[1437] Like that gets all dry and fucked up and cracks and it hurts.

[1438] And a lot of that comes from your toes being dirty.

[1439] It comes from like weird fungus getting in there.

[1440] Apparently this is the same as ringworm.

[1441] Like athlete's foot is kind of the same fungus as ringworm.

[1442] It's just in a different spot on your body.

[1443] And jock itch, all same shit.

[1444] Yeah, that's right.

[1445] Jockage is the same as athlete's foot.

[1446] Yeah.

[1447] Get some fucking funk growing on.

[1448] you dick boy yeah right yeah oh god i would i would hate that it's important if anybody's listening to this though if you do have some funk on you um whatever you do don't use anti -bacterial soap don't ever use that stuff if you use anti -bacterial soap i mean unless you're a hospital you know paper you're a you know a doctor or something then you should use it but there's stuff called um defense soap that is a probiotic it's uh it discourages the growth of bad bacteria but it promotes healthy bacteria It's all like natural oils They use like eucalyptus oil and tea tree oil And it just like staff and ringworm and all that stuff It's really good for grapplers That's why it's called defense soap They made it for grapplers But for anybody like for keeping like healthy skin flora That and here's a big one dude This is really big Probiotics Fucking I drink this shit all the time Oh yeah you tell me about that So important man These are organisms like live organisms You take them into your body and it literally strengthens your immune system.

[1449] Like Acidophilus, I was reading this thing where they were saying that acidophilus, they believe, can discourage when you touch things, like say if you touch something and it's got some sort of a funk on it, and then you accidentally touch your face.

[1450] Well, if you're taking healthy doses of Acidophilus, apparently Acidophilus will resist the introduction of new bacteria.

[1451] They're like, whoa, whoa, bitch, what are you doing here?

[1452] What the fuck are you doing here?

[1453] Whereas if you have that antibacterial soap, your skin is, like, devoid of even healthy bacteria.

[1454] Yeah.

[1455] The healthy flora is just as important.

[1456] Like, you can't, like, strip it off.

[1457] It's just as important to keep the healthy flora as it is to get rid of the bad shit.

[1458] Yeah, the, um, somebody, somebody told me, I was reading an article about bacteria, and it's like, there's a pretty big percentage of your body that's made up of bacteria.

[1459] Yeah, it's huge.

[1460] Like the amount of weight in your body is like 12 pounds or something of bacteria.

[1461] This is the way I saw it explain once I'm making that number up, but it's a lot This is the way, I saw a scientist explain this So I'm pretty sure he's correct He said there's more E. coli In your gut than have ever been people Ever Wow Whoa Yeah Yeah And it's just sitting there?

[1462] Well it's doing, it's working Like healthy stomach bacteria Is like very important for digestion That's what you're getting when you're absorbing Like these kombuches and shit like that you're changing your your gut bacteria and there's a lot of studies that are trying to link that to autism and they think that autism and poor gut bacteria in intestinal tract bacteria it might be an issue the inflammation factor that inflammation might cause or all sorts of distress throughout the entire body like as a you know the symbiosis of your stomach your digestive tract your circulatory system and your brain, all of them together, being affected equally, that this digestive disorder might also fuck with people's heads.

[1463] Yeah.

[1464] Yeah, I got my gut's fucked, man. I fart, soft shits, pain.

[1465] My gut is wrong.

[1466] How's your diet?

[1467] Diet's great.

[1468] Really?

[1469] Fantastic.

[1470] So what the fuck?

[1471] I think I got Giardi when I was in Florida like 20 years ago, and I never really got rid of it.

[1472] Ever since I got it, I've had gas.

[1473] Jardia, you get that from drinking water than animal shit in.

[1474] Right, down in Florida.

[1475] They don't have fresh water very much in Florida.

[1476] So what were you doing?

[1477] How'd you get it?

[1478] Just staying in a hotel.

[1479] Me and my wife, she got rid of it.

[1480] I never did.

[1481] You got it from a hotel?

[1482] Yeah.

[1483] What?

[1484] Yeah.

[1485] How the fuck did you get it?

[1486] Because they don't have a lot of groundwater in Florida.

[1487] They fucking pump all that shit in from out of town.

[1488] So, like, the tap water gave you, John?

[1489] Tap water gave us Giordia.

[1490] Jesus.

[1491] Yeah.

[1492] fucking christ i went on like three different cycles of i figured it was tetracycline or something to the point where the doctor was like you can't keep taking this and it should just it should equal out and i've gone back and it never has oh my god dude that's insane i haven't farted once since we've been in here by the way thank you i wouldn't do it thank you i appreciate that i would fart um it i did fart in an elevator recently in the someone did the running like hand in open the doors and I came in and I just looked at him like, hey, it's an asshole move.

[1493] Mine was an asshole move, but you don't open up elevator doors on somebody.

[1494] So let's take a ride.

[1495] So because he shoved his arm in the elevator door.

[1496] No, I had just farted, and then I saw the hand come in.

[1497] It's not, you don't like people shoving the hand through it?

[1498] I don't think you should do that ever.

[1499] Unless it's like, if you're in a parking structure in Santa Monica that's six stories and there's like one elevator, so it comes every 12 minutes, you can stick your hand in that.

[1500] But if I'm into like an office complex and there's like six banks of elevators, or a hotel, you don't stick your hand in the door.

[1501] Wow.

[1502] But what if the guy's in a super hurry?

[1503] He can wait for the next elevator.

[1504] Wow.

[1505] I'm in a super hurry, too.

[1506] Always am.

[1507] Greg Fitzsimmons, looking for excuses to fart on people.

[1508] You're going to stand.

[1509] Is that what this is?

[1510] Or this is just an excuse to fart on people?

[1511] Well, the other thing is if you put, I'll forget that I'm, that it's Valley parking somewhere.

[1512] Like if I go to the comedy story, I always forget, and I'll fart before I get there.

[1513] And I was like, oh, fuck.

[1514] Sorry, Doc.

[1515] So, this Jardia, like you saw, a noticeable change from the way your farts were before the Jardia.

[1516] Immediate.

[1517] Damn.

[1518] No, it's way better than it was, but it's still there.

[1519] I got to watch what I eat.

[1520] Like, I'm lactose intolerant now.

[1521] My friend, Steve Ronella, he got Jardia, and then he got trichinosis.

[1522] Trichonosis from bad beef?

[1523] His was from bad bear.

[1524] His is from eating a bear.

[1525] But apparently, he keeps it for life.

[1526] like they kill it in your stomach like it lives in your stomach and then it goes like it migrates into your muscle cells and it hurts like a fuck like you have like agony like muscle agony like you're in pain like your back hurts your shoulders hurt they can't kill that they just plant spores in you so essentially that's brutal it's crazy the shit that's in your stomach that's gone but the stuff that's in your arms and your legs and your tissue stays there for the rest of your life those spores Like, if you ate him, if you were in the, if the apocalypse came around, you got to cook them to 160 degrees.

[1527] 160.

[1528] Oh, let me write that down.

[1529] 160 bill.

[1530] Oh, speaking of which, by the way.

[1531] Can I plug some dates?

[1532] Fuck you.

[1533] What do we got?

[1534] Addison, Texas.

[1535] Coming to see you, folks.

[1536] Oh, I love that club.

[1537] February 28th through March 1st.

[1538] Yeah, is not a great room?

[1539] Great fucking room.

[1540] That's a great fucking room.

[1541] Up on the second floor and it's just a perfect shape.

[1542] It's been around forever, too, so it's soaked with laughter.

[1543] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1544] You know, like the different sets that have been.

[1545] in that room.

[1546] That's a great room.

[1547] Addison, Texas.

[1548] They still have the piano bar right next door?

[1549] Oh, yeah.

[1550] That's great.

[1551] Well, a handjob shack too, right around the corner.

[1552] How dare you?

[1553] I didn't go.

[1554] How dare you even know?

[1555] No, I walked past it, and I saw this guy who was loitering out front, and he just kept, like, walking back and forth, and I was like, why is this guy hanging out of front?

[1556] And then I looked over, and it was like a, somebody told me that you can tell it's a jackshack, because if it has a neon footprint on it, those are the jackshack?

[1557] That's like a sign that it's a happy ending place.

[1558] That's what certain comedians told me. I don't know if he's right, but isn't that like a reflexology thing?

[1559] That's what they want you to think.

[1560] No shit.

[1561] Yeah.

[1562] So you go in, they rub your feet and just jerk you off.

[1563] I have no idea.

[1564] Do they even touch your feet?

[1565] If I had a choice, if I was going to do what I would say, as long as I'm in here, you know, let's get the feet going on first.

[1566] Yeah.

[1567] Some people, like, get weirded out about people touching their feet.

[1568] We're not into it at all.

[1569] I like women's feet.

[1570] I enjoy looking at women's feet.

[1571] We've talked about this.

[1572] Well, when they're attractive, you know.

[1573] When they're attractive, it's great.

[1574] What is it about that, though?

[1575] I mean, I'm not asking you personally, but what is it about, like, why would a guy give a shit about a girl, if a girl's toes took a hook turn and her feet are all butt?

[1576] Like, what does it even affect us?

[1577] Like, why is it more desirable to see, like, perfect toes?

[1578] Well, I mean, it's just me. My personal thing is I believe it shows they're evil.

[1579] that they're haunted Hammer toe equals haunted Haunted She will fucking kill you one day With that toe You'll be sleeping All of a sudden you'll feel This little hook going around your trachea And you'll look up and you'll see an ankle Can you imagine if people were that transparent Where the way their hands looked Was like how deadly or nice they were Yeah So if people had beautiful smooth, clean hands You never had to worry about them They're all knuckled up and fucked up I think of Cinderella Remember her sisters had those nasty fucking feet You couldn't fit in the shoes.

[1580] That's right.

[1581] She was the original foot fetish worship goddess.

[1582] She was.

[1583] But maybe she was just a part of a narrative that's been going on forever.

[1584] Like the Chinese people with their binding.

[1585] The bindings, yeah.

[1586] That's the crazy shit of all time.

[1587] That's crazy.

[1588] That's so frightening.

[1589] But it's totally logical.

[1590] If you go back, I mean, if you put it in context of going back, you could show wealth by saying, it wasn't just the aesthetic of small feet.

[1591] It was also saying, my bitch doesn't have to work.

[1592] I can bind her feet.

[1593] That's so much money I have.

[1594] Good Lord.

[1595] Yeah.

[1596] Yeah, she could never work in the fields.

[1597] That's why Japanese people wear fucking hats and sunblock and gloves because in their culture having fair skin is a sign of wealth.

[1598] Wow.

[1599] Well, you know, in some cultures, they're trying to bleach people.

[1600] Like, Filipinos are really getting into glutathione for some, which is, I think it's like an amino acid or something like that, some nutrition.

[1601] I mean, I take it, actually.

[1602] It's like really good for your liver.

[1603] but they're taking this stuff through some injection process that I don't totally understand it makes your skin lighter so they want to be like maybe they're darker brown Filipinos they want to be light because lighter skin Do you think that's what Michael Jackson did No Michael Jackson had what I have He had Vidaligo You know like if you look at my hands Like you see these spots of my hands I'm just a white guy So it doesn't look that freaky But if I get a tan it can look pretty freaky Like all my knuckles Like trauma areas are big areas that get it like knuckles because you know uh anytime you get cuts scratches sometimes that can turn to vitiligo i have to put like an ointment on it to keep it from spreading yeah but um plus you're hairy so it just looks like patches a hair on your knuckles yeah but michael me but i'm a white guy again it's not that much of a contrast between the area where i have pigment and the area where i don't have pigment but if you're black like michael jackson was when he was young it's super traumatic for a lot of people.

[1604] Some people freak out.

[1605] They have like some really good remedies for it now.

[1606] They have ointment that can pretty much stop it from spreading and they have these pova treatments that they do that repigment areas.

[1607] They're pretty good at it now.

[1608] But in the Michael Jackson days, they couldn't do shit.

[1609] I'm the opposite.

[1610] I'm so fair that I try to, I try to darken.

[1611] Like on the weekends I put a black shoe polish on my face and I go sing.

[1612] Do you leave like a white thing around your mouth so you don't fuck your food up?

[1613] I'll eat some powdered donuts before I go.

[1614] Oh, I'm going to be at the Helium Comedy Club in Philly.

[1615] I forgot what we were doing.

[1616] March 6th and 7th.

[1617] Don't forget, Denver Comedy Works, I think it's your favorite club in the country.

[1618] March 12th through 14.

[1619] You just rattled off two of my favorite clubs in the country.

[1620] Helium in Philly is fucking amazing.

[1621] Amazing.

[1622] And the Comedy Works is where I did my last special, Rocky Mountain High.

[1623] I did that in the comedy works.

[1624] So great.

[1625] It's the best club ever.

[1626] It's the best club.

[1627] It's just so perfect.

[1628] I mean, there's a bunch of the best clubs ever.

[1629] You know, there's like five or six of them all over the country.

[1630] Those are two of them right there.

[1631] Two of the top five right there.

[1632] And then the Hollywood Improv, which is definitely up in that rankings.

[1633] Yeah, that's a great spot.

[1634] March 21st.

[1635] That's a fucking great spot.

[1636] The Hollywood Improv is so, that's such a good fucking room for comedy and such like a high level room.

[1637] You go there, you see Judd Apatow working out.

[1638] Yeah.

[1639] I mean, you're there all time.

[1640] There's so many good comics there.

[1641] That's a fucking showcase spot, man. And they run it tight.

[1642] They keep it on time for the most part.

[1643] You know, they had Arsenio Hall dropped in one night.

[1644] And he did about 35 at the top of the show, unannounced.

[1645] And I spent, I don't know, 16 of my 20 minutes shitting all over Arsenio Hall for going long.

[1646] And the crowd fucking went crazy.

[1647] I think he'd tanked it.

[1648] Oh, did he really?

[1649] So nothing like starting to show off with a tank and going, you know, over your five, drop -by is four.

[1650] five minutes.

[1651] That's all they were giving him?

[1652] Yeah.

[1653] Well, that's not good.

[1654] I don't know, 10 minutes.

[1655] What was he supposed to do any?

[1656] Are you listening to Arsenio?

[1657] Whoa, I can't believe this.

[1658] Throwing it down.

[1659] I know that dude.

[1660] He's a good guy?

[1661] He's a very nice guy.

[1662] Yeah, I never met him.

[1663] He's a very nice guy.

[1664] He left before I started.

[1665] I talked to him really recently about social media stuff.

[1666] When he was doing the new version of the Arsenio Hall show, they took over his social media, like his Facebook and his Twitter and all that shit.

[1667] They asked to do that now.

[1668] Like, there was, I was doing this one thing.

[1669] They asked me to do that.

[1670] They wanted to take over my Twitter.

[1671] I go, fuck you.

[1672] Like, what are you crazy?

[1673] Well, we're going to tweet for you.

[1674] The fuck you're going to tweet for me. Yeah.

[1675] Like, no, you're not.

[1676] Like, you want to start a Twitter page for the show?

[1677] Well, you start that, and then you can tweet from that.

[1678] You're not going to tweet from my personal Twitter page just because I'm on a show.

[1679] Like, the idea that you have to give it up.

[1680] Some genius in the digital marketing department brought that up in a meeting.

[1681] And they went, sounds like a good idea, Phil.

[1682] Can you imagine you have to be such a whore That you have to give up your Twitter page Yeah Like get the fuck out of here Like no You can't know you can't have my Twitter page If you want me to tweet stuff Send it to me And I'll tweet it if I agree with it Yeah But you can't take but for him He didn't even think about it He just he like didn't think that it was a big deal Yeah He was just like yeah cool But now he's trying to get it back Like he was struggling to get it back Under his own control after his show was canceled No shit Yeah I was like this is ridiculous Wow Like they own your social media presence, which is worth a fuckload of money.

[1683] Yeah.

[1684] Like, what if you did a project for, you know, name X production company and in the project was they can tweet anything they want from your social media sites, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, they could tweet anything they want.

[1685] They could put out anything they want.

[1686] They would just release commercials all day.

[1687] Yeah.

[1688] I mean, imagine if that was in your contract and they just started putting out, like, there's a tied commercial.

[1689] on your fucking Twitter feed.

[1690] Tide got my clothes smelling fucking amazing.

[1691] Greg Fitzsimmons.

[1692] And then there's a video and you're like, what?

[1693] Yeah.

[1694] I can't believe this.

[1695] And then you call your agent like, look, Greg, it's in the contract.

[1696] You're like, oh my God.

[1697] I'm retired.

[1698] I'm out.

[1699] It's funny.

[1700] It's about the Greg Fitzsimmons show.

[1701] It's funny.

[1702] But it's also product placement.

[1703] Yeah.

[1704] Like, oh, no. Nobody can really write a tweet for you that doesn't sound like it's not you.

[1705] It's kind of like because it's so tight, it's like it really.

[1706] has to be your wording.

[1707] You would have to get somebody who really knew you.

[1708] Well, like, I put out, when I put out my podcast, I have my producer put out the tweet because he's the one that uploads it, so then I know that as soon as it uploads, he just sends a tweet saying, so I give him a blurb to write ahead of time so that when it goes up, it's written.

[1709] But sometimes if I don't give him one, he writes it, and it's just immediately, I don't know what it is.

[1710] Like something subtle, you can just tell it wasn't sent by the person that it says it is.

[1711] Well, you get a sense of someone who they are when you read just their posts on a message board, or you read their Twitter feed.

[1712] You don't get it all, but if you're reading 140 characters a day over a long period of time, 140 characters, a tweet, rather, over a long period of time, you kind of get a sense of the terrain.

[1713] You kind of get a sense of the way people phrase things and say.

[1714] How angry they are?

[1715] Yeah.

[1716] Oh, yeah, man. It's a big indicator of anger.

[1717] You could find out some fucked up shit about people just by reading their angry tweets.

[1718] Yeah.

[1719] Like, what are you getting mad at dummy?

[1720] Yeah.

[1721] Like, Jesus Christ, get this person away from your fucking life.

[1722] And just everything's, like, I have to watch myself.

[1723] I can get bitter.

[1724] Because I think it's funny to write something that, and I'm not really being bitter.

[1725] It's just like, it's the easy path to a laugh, bitter.

[1726] And then I look back and I go, wow, that was 12 bitter ones in a row.

[1727] How the fuck do I look right now?

[1728] I follow several people that I think are idiots.

[1729] And one of the things that I really enjoy following is people that are not very bright, but that give a lot of advice.

[1730] Yeah.

[1731] Like, people are not very bright, but their Twitter feed is always advice.

[1732] Like, what you need to do in this world is go for your dreams.

[1733] And, like, like, you read their Twitter feed.

[1734] You're like, oh, okay.

[1735] Like, it's an insight.

[1736] It's an insight to, like, someone struggling for sanity.

[1737] Like, an insight to someone trying to, like, find sense in the world with this dull 9 -volt brain.

[1738] Yeah, it's definitely the access to giving people information has outweighed the ability to supply it in an equality way.

[1739] There's just, there's just like, I even feel it.

[1740] Like, I can't tweet every day.

[1741] Sometimes I just don't really have anything to say, but, you know, you feel like, ah, I should put something out today, and then you write something, you go, what in the fuck did I write that for?

[1742] That was stupid.

[1743] I like taking days off Twitter.

[1744] I think it's good to do.

[1745] Yeah.

[1746] Yeah, because I think some days I don't have shit to say.

[1747] I think taking days off, you know, I was talking about this the other day, we were talking about stand -up in this way, that taking days off stand -up, taking weeks off stand -up, I think it was Cal and I was talking to, we were talking about how if you go and go and go, your act gets really tight, everything feels really good, but when you take like a week off and then jump back in, the enthusiasm just cranks back up again.

[1748] Yeah.

[1749] You know, I think that's the case with pretty much everything in life.

[1750] If you do things too much, you lose your perspective.

[1751] Like, you lose, like, what it is about that thing that you really enjoy.

[1752] Yeah.

[1753] You need little breaks.

[1754] Yeah, your bit can get a lot stronger when you walk away from it for a little while.

[1755] And you come back and you go, oh, I didn't even get why I wrote that bit.

[1756] That's what I was originally thinking.

[1757] It's about this.

[1758] Yeah.

[1759] You tighten it up and you realize that, like, for me, you know, you make a lot of choices throughout a bit.

[1760] I can go this way or go that way.

[1761] Sometimes you just get the clarity when you come back to it to see that you were, that was a, you got a cheap, off that one time and you thought that was part of the bit and it wasn't it was just a it was a you got lost for a second you got to come back yeah I have a bit that I just added to another bit that I I abandoned years ago like I had it and then I lost it like I had it for a while it was like a very strong bit and then I fuck something up with it I twicked it wrong and and it just got too complicated and I was like well there's too many jokes similar to that man I just put it aside and I put it aside for years yeah years and the other day I was on stage I was in the middle of one bit and I started thinking about oh my god that fits right in there and like a glove it just slid into place and crushed it was like almost like I was holding it like it was a wedge that I didn't have a gap for yeah and then all a sudden oh it's right there yeah yeah and all its liabilities were out the window because it didn't like as a standalone bit it didn't have an ending it's like but when I shoved it in the middle of this other bit that already had an ending it just made that bit way better yeah and you didn't have to work on it and fine -tuning you had already done that work yeah it just needed a place that's why i think stand -up comedy like spending time just going over your act is like one of the one things that we all could do more of i did this thing with ari where i went over uh shiny happy jihad which was a cd i put out in like 86 or something like that or 2006 rather and um when we went over it we're talking about why you did this why he did that and i really hadn't thought about a lot of it and listening to it for the first time in all these years like I don't remember the jokes so like a few of them I remembered but some of them were really making me laugh like I didn't I never had heard them before even though they were mine you know I completely forgot them and going over it like that like made me like super fucking enthusiastic to go to stand -up and I got on this like real rampage over the next few weeks after that yeah that really helped me yeah and it made me think like man that's probably an aspect um of comedy that we don't like to do that we probably all should be doing just sitting down going over all of your act going over your notes going over all the different bits and is this the right order for them what's a better order why don't we try this order tonight why don't we try this for the first show and that for the second show well that's what's nice about when you go to a club and you work there for three nights is you got two afternoons where you can tape your set and listen to it the next day and think about it and then give yourself some time to write new shit and you know you really have nothing to do except focus on your stand up for you know two straight days, then you come back to L .A., and you go on at the improvise somewhere, and people are like, wow, you got, like, a lot of new material there that's good.

[1762] And, like, you wouldn't have that if you were just working in town.

[1763] Right.

[1764] Or if you were, you'd have to be really disciplined.

[1765] Yeah.

[1766] Really disciplined to make sure that you're just going up and doing, this is, this 15 minutes is going to be all about blank, you know?

[1767] Yeah.

[1768] It's just a fun, fun fucking thing to do, man. Yeah.

[1769] Still, after all these years, people who don't know, we started out together, like, within a week of each other.

[1770] Right.

[1771] That's crazy.

[1772] Dude, we're old as shit.

[1773] We have 25 years?

[1774] Dude, we're old as fuck.

[1775] Yeah, we're old as shit.

[1776] Remember when you were a kid and you thought of someone who was 47?

[1777] You're like, what?

[1778] Yeah.

[1779] That was beyond middle age.

[1780] Like, middle age is 40.

[1781] Yeah, you're a dead man. I remember I was in high school and I had a thing for Madonna.

[1782] I found out Madonna was 26.

[1783] It's like, God damn, that bitch is old.

[1784] She's 26.

[1785] Good Lord.

[1786] Yeah.

[1787] Yeah.

[1788] I used to like older.

[1789] I always liked older women.

[1790] How old?

[1791] Well, when I was, I guess when I was in like ninth grade, I fooled around with this girl that was a senior.

[1792] But it was like, you know, she wasn't doing it because she was turned on by me. It was just like, I hung around her a lot and she was like throwing me a bone.

[1793] So she'd let me see her tits and stuff.

[1794] But then when I was like 19, I dated a woman who was turning 40 that summer.

[1795] It was like a whole summer -long romance.

[1796] Whoa.

[1797] She was this big corporate lawyer.

[1798] successful.

[1799] And I was living out in the Hamptons with my brother and another guy in like this shitty, it was a one bedroom just flea ridden.

[1800] You woke up every day covered in bites.

[1801] Oh my God.

[1802] And they had a two bedroom next to us, her and her sister, the Palumbo sisters.

[1803] And they would, uh, they had this beautiful two bedroom with like top shelf liquor and they were Italian from Queens.

[1804] And so they would, they'd come out and they would cook pasta and chicken cutlets, everything all weekend.

[1805] And we would just move over there.

[1806] My brother was hooking up with one sister.

[1807] and I was hooking up with the other one.

[1808] And then we would just like, fuck around and eat and drink.

[1809] And then we'd go dancing with them at night.

[1810] And then they'd leave on Sunday night.

[1811] And they'd give us like all this Tupperware with all the leftovers in it that we'd survive on for a couple more days.

[1812] Then they'd come out on the weekends.

[1813] Oh, she was the greatest.

[1814] Wow.

[1815] 40, huh?

[1816] 40 years old.

[1817] And you were 19?

[1818] I was 19.

[1819] How was her body?

[1820] Good.

[1821] You know Italian girls.

[1822] They age well.

[1823] That brown skin.

[1824] Tight.

[1825] Was she getting off a big divorce?

[1826] Good feet.

[1827] No?

[1828] She was a workaholic, I think.

[1829] She was, you know, she was a corporate lawyer.

[1830] She was big.

[1831] God damn.

[1832] Made a lot of money.

[1833] Was she on top most of the time?

[1834] Yeah, she took control.

[1835] Wow.

[1836] She'd ride it?

[1837] She'd ride it, yeah, she'd hold the base, and then it was all.

[1838] Damn.

[1839] It was all up to her.

[1840] All up to her.

[1841] Wow.

[1842] Standard shift.

[1843] She fucked you.

[1844] She fucked you.

[1845] She fucked me. Whoa.

[1846] I'd push back and she'd yell at me. Whoa.

[1847] You don't move.

[1848] Whoa.

[1849] You little shit.

[1850] You're in high school, spit in my mouth.

[1851] Stick her feet in my...

[1852] That's where the foot thing came from.

[1853] She would stick her feet in your mouth?

[1854] Oh, God, no. Will you allow it to be on top?

[1855] Oh, yeah.

[1856] Now, look, I was an animal.

[1857] When I was 19, I was an animal.

[1858] I couldn't be stopped.

[1859] Oh, tell me more.

[1860] I just was so horny.

[1861] I was so horny that when women finally let me start having sex with them, I would ravage them.

[1862] I would just, I, my hands, I was, you wouldn't see me laying with my arms by my side.

[1863] I didn't care for having sex for an hour.

[1864] I was still working.

[1865] I would grab a nipple, fucking fish hook.

[1866] The hands were moving all the time.

[1867] Can I get one in the asshole?

[1868] Then I am.

[1869] I'm checking.

[1870] I'm going to check the oil.

[1871] Let's check it.

[1872] Yeah, every time.

[1873] Let's see what we can get away with here.

[1874] How far can I push it on every single encounter?

[1875] That was my M .O. Wow.

[1876] Yeah.

[1877] You're an animal.

[1878] Then they stop you and you go, all right, that's the line.

[1879] We don't cross that.

[1880] Until next time.

[1881] We try it again.

[1882] If you thought about the difference between you as like a 12 year old or 11 year old and then puberty and then riding the furious waves of puberty which is what I call like 16, 17, 18.

[1883] Yeah.

[1884] Like those years, like into 19 even, like by the time you like figure out how to stay on the wave, the wave of hormones that your body starts producing and how different your observations on life are.

[1885] Like when you're 10, you don't give a fuck about ass or tits or feet or high heels or the way a girl puts her lipstick on.

[1886] But when you're 17, you're jerking off to magazines.

[1887] Like you're taking magazines.

[1888] You're beating off on the girls' pictures, on magazines.

[1889] Like, look at naked bodies, and you're beating off.

[1890] Like, yeah.

[1891] And all, I can just remember going into a white noise space where nothing else mattered.

[1892] I was jerking off, and the world shut down around me. It was just so intense.

[1893] It was like, I guess what somebody would feel like if they went in, like, heroin nod.

[1894] It was so, like, all -encompassing.

[1895] Yeah.

[1896] Yeah, it's a drug.

[1897] I mean, your body's trying to reproduce.

[1898] Your body's trying to give you all these fucking neurochemicals, these feel -good juices to pump through your body.

[1899] Serotonin and dopamine and love and oxytocin and come, hurry up, come!

[1900] Ah, good, we win.

[1901] We reproduce.

[1902] And the eggs break open.

[1903] The little kid comes out screaming.

[1904] You're like, how the fuck?

[1905] Yeah.

[1906] Because they tricked you with that cum juice.

[1907] That's it.

[1908] Feeling that you get when you just, oh, rub my balls.

[1909] Oh, that's how you make a person.

[1910] That sweet relief is this weird biological trick.

[1911] Isn't that amazing?

[1912] It's the most intense, incredible thing you do, and it's also the most intense, incredible feeling that you're having while you do it.

[1913] And if you don't smoke pot, you don't even know what sex feels like.

[1914] You think you do.

[1915] We'd make sex feel so much better.

[1916] Hey, what did you think of that article?

[1917] I sent you from the New Yorker about the...

[1918] Fascinating.

[1919] Isn't that wild?

[1920] Yeah.

[1921] Explain what it is.

[1922] Basically, you know, all the testing that they did on mushrooms and LSD back in the 60s.

[1923] I mean, starting, I think they started in what, like the 40s, right?

[1924] Well, Gordon Wasson was the guy who originally started bringing mushrooms to the Western world.

[1925] He was the one who started, I think it was Life magazine.

[1926] They published some shit about him or some shit about his trials to Mexico, travels to Mexico and his experiments with magic mushrooms.

[1927] I think that was in the 50s.

[1928] Yeah, so they did all these studies, and then obviously the CIA did all the LSD studies in the 50s and 60s, or mostly 50s, I think.

[1929] And then all of a sudden they outlawed it, and they just said, bury that data.

[1930] And it just disappeared.

[1931] You cannot find any of the testing results that they did from back then.

[1932] And so they lost a lot of good progress.

[1933] And so this New Yorker piece is talking about how suddenly scientists are getting.

[1934] the green light from major universities, Harvard and Yale and Boston University are all funding studies to look back into, what do you call the drug and magic mushrooms?

[1935] psilocybin.

[1936] Silocybin.

[1937] And what they're doing is they're doing controlled testing, and they're giving it to people specifically that have terminal illnesses and helping them deal with their mortality, literally that they're going to die, and how do you wrap your head around that?

[1938] How do you deal with the depression that comes with that?

[1939] And they're giving them the mushrooms, and they're having, 70 % of them are having mystical experiences, like God -like experiences.

[1940] And then they are holding on to it.

[1941] It doesn't go away.

[1942] They are walking through the rest of their lives, realizing that all is love.

[1943] They said that's the common thread that runs through all of them is that it's all about love.

[1944] And they get that in their head, and they die with it.

[1945] whenever, you know, if they last another year, two years, they don't need another experience on the mushrooms to get back to that place.

[1946] It stays with them.

[1947] Well, I think if you were at a real transformative period of your life, I mean, that's the biggest transformation ever, right?

[1948] Right.

[1949] Going from life to death, the ultimate last trip that we all take, you're probably like super emotional and very engaged.

[1950] And I would imagine that under that kind of stress and that kind of uncertainty, a mushroom trip would be.

[1951] be even more profound but if you have a real powerful psychedelic trip and it doesn't change your your complete total view of reality you probably just didn't get a high enough dose that's all it is i mean i know i've talked to a lot of people who've done mushrooms and they loved it they had a great time they're like oh my god we were on the beach we were so silly we laughed for hours it was so beautiful it was this amazing experience opened me up to the way the world was and made me feel like they probably had that wonderful experience they really probably did but the difference between that kind of experience and like what they're giving these people in these these trials like you give people like five dried grams of psilocybin mushrooms that's like a big breakthrough dose and you have this overwhelming like incredible visionary like transformative experience that most people don't get to like the DMT experience is supposedly the most intense out of all the psychedelics out of all the the what McKenna used to call like the center of the mandala if there's all all psychedelic experiences vary whether it's peyote or mushrooms or sage which is what is that that fucking one that everybody gets at grocery stores still available salvia salvia divinorum is essentially like a sage plant they all like reach some different psychedelic state but the center of the mandala the craziest one is the dimethythotryptamine experience.

[1952] And if you have the dimethylptomy experience, like, it's impossible to look at the rest of reality the same way again, because you always know that that's in your head.

[1953] How long does that last?

[1954] Very, very short.

[1955] It's only like 15 minutes.

[1956] No, but I'm saying how long does the effect last?

[1957] It depends on how much you entrench yourself in the common threads and themes and pathways of everyday life.

[1958] You can jump right back in everyday life and it doesn't last very long at all it's like this unbelievably profound loving experience where when it's happening you you just feel overwhelmed first of all by the truth in these entities that you're encountering like how much they know about you like how much they know about who you are and then the reality of like that might not even be entities it might be you it might be there are many yous that encompass you just like there's billions of ecoli living in your gut there might be like various streams of consciousness that are almost like entities that exist in your mind at any given time and you might be tapping into these and turning these to 11 when you're on a psychedelic it might be what the psychedelic is really doing is introducing you the potential of all the chemicals in your mind if like optimized and it's one brief burst of love and color and and just geometric objects and patterns just representing imagination at its fullest wildest most open flower and then that might be what's happening when you're doing these things but regardless of what the actual you know whether it's both or neither one the experiences themselves they change the way you view the world because you know that that's possible now where you never knew that that was possible you always felt like everything in my life you know if if there was a scale from the worst experiences i've ever had to the best experiences I've ever had, everything is sort of categorized.

[1959] So I was like, well, I know what it's like to be scared.

[1960] Well, I know what it's like to be in a car accident.

[1961] Well, I know what it's like to get a blowjob.

[1962] I know what it's like to play football.

[1963] I know, you know, you know, you have all these things and you say, well, I have a pretty good idea of what life is.

[1964] And then you take three hits off of this little vaporizer pipe and you hear this like crackling, like burning plastic.

[1965] And you see this chrysanthemum looking sort of like the flower of life.

[1966] You know that flower of life that's described like you you see it in a lot of like ancient Hindu art yeah it's um it's a geometric pattern and um this flower of like you you see this flower of life this on DMT oh yeah for sure almost everybody sees it you see some version of it but the things that you're seeing are happening so fast it's so different and they're all they're never the same thing like you look at something and it becomes something else like instantly constantly always changing so you never can really lock on to anything.

[1967] Everything is constantly moving and morphing and looking at you and sometimes it's like gestures and they're giving you the finger and then they disappear behind these fractal cyclones of geometric patterns that turn into flowers, they turn into grass, they turn into babies coming out of vaginas, they're turning to you, they're turning to handshakes and hugs and love.

[1968] It is insane and it happens for about 15 minutes.

[1969] And when it's over, just knowing that that can ever happen.

[1970] It's just a matter of whether or not you remember it.

[1971] Well, they said also it deals with depression.

[1972] It helps people with depression a lot.

[1973] And I think it's maybe that.

[1974] When you're depressed for long enough, you literally forget what it feels like to feel good.

[1975] And I think that by giving you that intense of a good, positive experience, it makes you go, oh, yeah, I'm supposed to try.

[1976] I'm supposed to, you know, achieve that in whatever means I can, you know, whether it's exercise or, you know, sex or whatever it is that you've just stop doing because you're so depressed, it gives you the inspiration to try to get back there.

[1977] Yeah.

[1978] And it also, it's like a really intense form of love.

[1979] You know, that's a weird way to describe it, but the psychedelic experience is make you feel loved.

[1980] Not to everybody.

[1981] But does that mean you have to do it?

[1982] Everybody shouldn't do it because some people have mental issues.

[1983] Some people, regular reality is slippery already.

[1984] Yeah.

[1985] And they probably shouldn't be doing anything.

[1986] Right.

[1987] But the people that do do it that are in a good place when they wind up doing it, oftentimes, experience just like profound sense of being loved how important is it who you do it with very important that's what it said in this is they have people that walk you through it that are professionals at guiding you through this kind of experience yeah that's super super super important um like a lot of those indigenous tribes that do these shamanic rituals they have like very like rigid sort of ideas of like this is what we do we sit down and we're all going to like you know we're all going to talk we're going to drink this liquid and this guy's going to blow tobacco smoke and play the drums and it's like slowly going to come on and it's like orchestrated like they're setting this up and this guy's going to sing and these guys will sing these things called ikaros and these ikaros are these songs that they they sing that accompany the DMT experience so when you smoke DMT and you listen to these songs you see these things dancing like as they're like I'll play it for you I've played it on the podcast I think there's like tours now of some of these native places to take the oh there's a lot of them dude oh I cut it on my phone there's a lot of these fucking tours they're doing it all over the place and they're doing it you know some of them it's not good too because there's going to be people that are capitalizing on those situations where you know they they're just profiting of course you see people holding up their cell phone recording it.

[1988] Yeah, I got it right there.

[1989] Oh, plug it in?

[1990] No, I'll just play it on the thing here.

[1991] But I think that it should all be legal.

[1992] I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do as far as you want to, if you want to run around and you want to have a good time and do mushrooms or drink whiskey or, you know, whatever it is.

[1993] Well, the whole scare used to be, I'm sorry.

[1994] I was going to say, but when you see these, studies coming out about the benefits of it you just it makes you feel bad that all these people were kept from that for so many decades that like there's a lot of people over from 1970 when they made mushrooms illegal and LSD and pretty much everything to 2014 that's horrible that's 44 45 years while these really beneficial plants have been illegal and for no fucking reason there's no no reason that makes any sense yeah it's um Man, it was the Rockefeller laws, right?

[1995] Was that what started?

[1996] Someone, I don't know, who was responsible for it all, but there was a sweeping illegalization or, you know, sweeping Prohibition Act that covered shit that's not even psychoactive.

[1997] There's like, they just started marking things illegal, like a bunch.

[1998] They didn't know exactly what was legal, what wasn't legal.

[1999] But they lumped shit in, like, everything that was Schedule 1.

[2000] There's all non -toxic, non -lethal drugs that are.

[2001] Schedule 1, like a giant percentage of them, which is crazy, because that just shows you that there's a giant problem with the way they're classifying drugs still in 2015.

[2002] Marijuana federally is still a schedule -run drug.

[2003] It's fucking completely ridiculous.

[2004] Same as, yes.

[2005] Same as cocaine.

[2006] Well, cocaine and then heroin is scheduled 2, right?

[2007] Because I think they have medicinal uses, you know, because opiates, they use for painkillers.

[2008] and there's medical cocaine.

[2009] I'm going to make sure that I'm right about that because I think they might have changed that.

[2010] Well, that was the whole thing that black people feel like is that why is it that crack is Schedule 1 and Cocaine is because crack is for black people and cocaine is for white people is the implication.

[2011] Yeah, it's true.

[2012] Which is unbelievably racist.

[2013] There's the issue.

[2014] It's heroin is one.

[2015] It used to be two, I believe now it's one.

[2016] And Coke is still two, which is fucking bananas.

[2017] But look, Silocybin, psilocybin, and marijuana, N -L -S -D, and mescaline.

[2018] Jesus Christ.

[2019] Is there a danger with psilocybin?

[2020] No. You can't freak out on it.

[2021] Yeah, you can definitely freak out.

[2022] But you come back.

[2023] Well, hopefully.

[2024] So there is a possibility.

[2025] If you get that close to the abyss, I mean, the experiences that you have in those things, if you have a weak heart, it would probably be incredibly taxing.

[2026] Because a lot of people feel like they're going to die.

[2027] They relive their entire life.

[2028] They look at themselves through this really intense.

[2029] introspective vision that freaks them out, you know, the harsh introspective aspects of a lot of these psychedelics really bothers some people.

[2030] And if you're like barely hanging on, if you're like on the verge of a heart attack, it could push you over the top.

[2031] Adderall's schedule, too.

[2032] I used to take that shit.

[2033] Well, that's legal.

[2034] Yeah.

[2035] All that shit they could prescribe.

[2036] Look at all that stuff.

[2037] There's a lot of stuff.

[2038] Yeah, there's a lot of drugs up there.

[2039] Look at all those drugs.

[2040] They were special on 60 Minutes last night about that they.

[2041] They think they have a cure for the Ebola virus.

[2042] I mean, it worked.

[2043] They only had like seven batches of it, and they gave it to seven people, and they were all cured.

[2044] But that they knew about it since the 70s, but it's taken them this many years to develop it because none of the pharmaceutical companies can make a profit off of it because the government wasn't buying it.

[2045] They weren't really actively, you know, actively.

[2046] You know, they were looking for a cure, but not really putting any money behind it.

[2047] And so, but in order to make this cure, they have to like take fucking thousands of acres of this special kind of tobacco and they have to soak it in this chemical and all to come up with like a dozen doses.

[2048] Wow.

[2049] It's crazy.

[2050] That's so strange.

[2051] When you think about what these indigenous tribes have been able to do with these plants, that's when it gets really strange.

[2052] Think about the fact they've figured out like a big percentage of the farm.

[2053] pharmaceutical drugs that we use today, a big percentage of them come from like rainforests.

[2054] They find these plants.

[2055] Yeah, they find a lot of plants.

[2056] Like, they're constantly searching the rainforests for different medicinal properties of plants.

[2057] They think that one day they're going to come up with some plant that cures cancer.

[2058] They're going to find it in the Amazon.

[2059] They use them for a lot of different purposes, which is, you know, weird.

[2060] These people figured out some of them on their own.

[2061] You know, the ayahuasca thing, they figured that thing on their own.

[2062] They figured out how to blend plants and make a drug out of it.

[2063] They figured out how to boil it.

[2064] And the whole thing they use a pot and they boil it and it takes hours yeah and they all figured out a way how to do this which is just a lot of trial and error a lot of stuff they tried that somebody died from and they went well check that one off yeah like the the knowledge of what you can eat in your neighborhood yeah fucking super important yeah the long the wrong little stripe on a frog and you're dead you know the wrong little you know little spot on a bug yeah can kill you Knowing how to plant the seeds in a way that makes them grow correctly and how to burn out the forest when it needs to be burned out.

[2065] I was just in Yellowstone, and they were talking about how that, you know, that the native people used to set fires.

[2066] They just, they knew the schedule to rotate burning the forest out so that they didn't get superfires.

[2067] And that the ashes were, is that it?

[2068] Yeah, this is the sound that you listen to when you're fucked up on DMT.

[2069] I wish I could describe what it looks like, but you see the song.

[2070] When you're under the influence, you actually see it.

[2071] Like the song takes place in a three -dimensional form.

[2072] It's like it's a dancing thing.

[2073] It's not just a sound.

[2074] It becomes like a dancing object in your mind.

[2075] Like it transforms the trip.

[2076] And do people describe it similarly, what they see?

[2077] Yeah, but it's hard to describe.

[2078] So I think they're saying something similar, but there's no real word.

[2079] for it like the like everything that I've said the way I described it is really shitty it's like the you can't really do it you don't there's no context for the experience the experience is so weird there's no context for it so it does it like if you described it and I listened to your description I'm like I guess we were in the same place but it's not like yeah there was this tree you remember there was a tree and it had a broken branch and it laid over oh yeah I remember that it was right near the fountain yes and it's not like that like you would be describing it to me it would be like okay maybe complex geometric patterns floating in and out of existence constantly morphing in front of you it's all love and understand i guess i guess you were in the same spot you know was there a 7 -11 what did it smell like did smell like bum piss yes bump piss oh we were in the same spot yeah you know you could talk about like oh i went to the ski lodge you know you walk in there's a big moose in the wall oh yeah yeah i've been in that spot you say you know oh we did LSD what was it like oh, it's just, I spent an hour staring in the mirror, and I watched my entire life from birth to that moment on fast forward.

[2080] Yeah.

[2081] You know, okay.

[2082] That's because you're not going to jot it down while you're doing it.

[2083] It'd be great if they come up to the technology where they can videotape what your imagination is going through while you're tripping on something and then show it in major theaters around the country.

[2084] That's one of the things that someone, it might have been McKenna, again, was speculating that one of the best ways to, deliver a psychedelic trip to someone was with virtual reality and figuring out a way through like CGI imagery to reproduce the effects of the trip like this to reproduce what you're seeing yeah if they could get the technology to that point where they could someone could go to trip you know do mushrooms or do DMT trip and then figure out a way to reproduce that then you would take the drugs out somebody could just watch the trip and feel the trip yeah Yeah.

[2085] Yeah, that it could be possible, that it could be done that way.

[2086] He was totally believing it could be done that way.

[2087] There's people that say they could do it with yoga, man. There's people that say they can have full -blown psychedelic experiences, hallucinations, visuals, being able to transport it to the center of the universe and dancing with angels, the whole deal.

[2088] And they do it all through yoga.

[2089] Yeah, yeah.

[2090] I know with meditation, there's certain levels you can get to.

[2091] I mean, I do very basic TM.

[2092] I've been doing it for like six months, but I do it twice a day.

[2093] Yeah.

[2094] What made you start?

[2095] Um, everybody I talked to that had done it had a profound experience with it.

[2096] You know, their lives are better.

[2097] You know, you guys like, you know, Seinfeld, it's done it forever.

[2098] And a lot of comics that, uh, that I like were doing it.

[2099] What do you do?

[2100] It's really simple.

[2101] It's a very unguided meditation.

[2102] You just kind of sit in a comfortable place.

[2103] They give you a mantra that you do.

[2104] And you're not tied to the mantra.

[2105] You're not like repeating it over and over again.

[2106] And that's all you think about.

[2107] It's more of like, it kind of leads you.

[2108] it's sort of the way they describe it is it's almost like it's off in the distance and you can hear it but you're not it's not your whole focus and then your brain can go wherever it's going to go you can go into little daydreams and then you can gently notice that and pull yourself back to the mantra and do that and you just let yourself go with it and it's very non -judgmental you don't ever judge where your mind went you don't snap yourself back to it and then and then it ends, it feels like five, ten minutes and twenty minutes ends.

[2109] I set my alarm.

[2110] And then you just feel totally rested and centered and stress is gone.

[2111] And like my baseline of depression has been so much higher since I started.

[2112] You mean the baseline meaning like...

[2113] Like I get depression and this helped me a lot.

[2114] Oh, so you're not saying like the depression is higher.

[2115] Now I'd say the bad, the bad part of the depression, the level is higher.

[2116] Right.

[2117] Um, that's, that's really fascinating.

[2118] And what is the mantra?

[2119] Like, what do you say?

[2120] Well, they give each person a different one.

[2121] I mean, there's X number of mantras.

[2122] I don't know how many there are, but they assign them to you.

[2123] Like, give me an example.

[2124] What a mantra like.

[2125] Ohm is like the, you know, classic mantra.

[2126] So it doesn't have to be a word.

[2127] It could be like a sound.

[2128] It's always a sound.

[2129] Yeah.

[2130] So you just sit there and make the sound.

[2131] So it's different Sanskrit sounds.

[2132] TM is like trans and dental meditation is all Sanskrit?

[2133] Right.

[2134] Wow.

[2135] And so just.

[2136] sitting there going oh well no it's all you don't say it you don't verbalize it in your mind in your mind you do it but it does have a resonant sound because they say even mentally there's some kind of reverberation that goes on so this just doing this has raised like whatever depression that you do get it takes a longer time to come on and it's it's less impactful it doesn't stay doesn't stay and I don't go down as far as I did and that's probably the chief reason I started is that I'd read a lot about it and it said that that's one of the main things you you know, anxiety and depression can be tied hand in hand.

[2137] I don't think I experience anxiety as much as just, you know, my family has depression.

[2138] You know, everybody in my family's got it.

[2139] And it's just something that, you know, you can medicate it, you can exercise it out, or you can, you know, there's a lot of different ways to go at it.

[2140] That's a weird way that we have to regulate the mind, to manage the mind, by just taking a thing, like a sound and rolling it over in your mind, over and over and over again and it's almost like a cycle like a cleaning cycle yeah it's like stopping the cycle it's stopping the cycle of thoughts that are non -stop in your mind it gives you a break it's almost like it's like doing a cleanse it gives your stomach and your colon a chance to clean itself so twice a day you're stopping that and and that's the thing that I find with it is that I get bored of the cycle like if I'm going through my day I'm having the cycle of thoughts like anybody does and you don't notice that it's a cycle until you stop And it's all that's in your mind.

[2141] And then you go, oh, you're fucking, that's boring.

[2142] We've already thought that.

[2143] Yeah.

[2144] And you just kind of let it go and it goes away.

[2145] That's that, I like that idea of a cleaning cycle.

[2146] Like you introduced like a cleaning agent for 20 minutes and you nip all the buds and parse all the problems and settle it all down.

[2147] That makes sense because me and my worst in my life, the one I felt most out of control in my life are doing the wrong shit or, you know, least in control of my my emotions i've always felt like i was on like too much momentum like i couldn't stop like i was like the the momentum of all my past acts was like overwhelming me and i was just running to keep from getting run over and like something like tm or for me it became uh martial arts and then later the tank the tank helps a lot to just get into that space where you just let it all go and once you do let it all go and once you do let it all go you could start fresh.

[2148] But when you don't get a chance to do that, it seems like you're constantly dealing with this phone call, what's connected to that thing that you've got to take care of, and you didn't clean out that thing, and fucking this guy wants to meet you because you're supposed to do that thing.

[2149] And it's all like, ah, it all builds up to the point where the anxiety is oftentimes just the data, the sheer data that you're dealing with every day in life.

[2150] Yeah.

[2151] Whether it's emotional shit, whether it's memory shit, whether it's work -related shit or family -related shit.

[2152] It's like, fuck.

[2153] And your thoughts all go to, they all go back to, I mean, not to be Freudian, because I'm not Freudian, but there are, there are aberrations in your thoughts in terms of how we perceive ourselves and what external events, how we identify ourselves based on external events like, I didn't get this job.

[2154] That means, well, you can control what that means is ways of having, you know, cognitive changes where you stop yourself from thinking what you thought from being a child and having a father that beat you or even something more subtle, you know, things that affected over time, the way you connected external events to how you felt about yourself.

[2155] And you can go in and you can just, by repeating, you know, no, that doesn't mean that, you know, that just means that this happened, like power of now.

[2156] It's like you don't, you know, a thought is not a reality.

[2157] It's just something that is flowing through you and you can notice it and you can comment on it without internalizing it and going for the full ride.

[2158] They say that's one of the things that people have the hardest time with when it comes to sufferers, people that are trying to overcome the abuse that they have when they're a childhood that, when they were in childhood, because that abuse oftentimes defines them.

[2159] They feel like they're a shitty person for being abused.

[2160] You're damaged because you've been abused.

[2161] And you just sort of define yourself by this abuse that you've suffered.

[2162] Where you can't look at the bright side things like you look like it's always bad things are always going to happen you it's like you've defined yourself in some way because of the abuse you've suffered or you even caused the abuse because you're bad right yeah you could have there was a reason why i was beat it's my fault so then when anything bad happens in your life you go back to thinking you caused it it makes you think if this psychedelic legislation of the 1970s if it never had been passed and if these 35 years since that happened if people had been allowed to explore these things and come to these conclusions and try to figure out like what what are the beneficial aspects of the way we behave and the way we think and the way we sort of qualify and quantify life's meaning whether it's financial or whether it's what what what what's really smart about this and how much more could we have done if people were doing mushrooms doing acid yeah so much more thinking would have taken place on these really people could say they're frivolous there's just these are distractions but they're not you know these are these ideas and concepts that you develop when you're either doing psychedelics or meditating or anything where you're involved in sort of an active assessment and resetting of your consciousness whether it's yoga meditation whatever the fuck it is tanks isolation tanks what you're doing is you're allowing yourself time to reflect on what you're doing and whether or not it's beneficial and what could be changed.

[2163] And if you don't have that reflection time, you oftentimes don't change unless you fall completely apart and you're forced to rebuild.

[2164] Yeah, that happens a lot of people.

[2165] That's what they always say about drug addicts.

[2166] They have to hit rock bottom.

[2167] They have to hit bottom.

[2168] Anything, gambling, you know, and we're always shocked by people's bottoms.

[2169] Like, you know, you look at somebody who just keeps fucking up.

[2170] Like, you know, Britney Spears, when she was really going down the rails, it was like, hasn't she hit bottom yet?

[2171] Nope.

[2172] Not even close.

[2173] yeah and then there's other people like me I had a pretty shallow bottom I quit drinking when I was like I don't know 24 and uh I'd started drinking when I was probably 12 so I drank for you know a decent period of time but like I wasn't blowing guys for a sandwich I was just feeling like it was controlling my life I was feeling like this is something I'm going to when I'm feeling sad or I'm going to when I'm feeling uh stressed or whatever it was definitely the relationship to alcohol I had was bad because my father was an alcoholic, you know, he died at 51.

[2174] And so I just knew I didn't want to go down that path.

[2175] So I had what you'd call a shallow bottom.

[2176] But, you know, to see other people where it just can get, it can get so extreme, but that's the only time you really change.

[2177] And so for me, I think changing it with the shallow bottom meant that there was so much more baggage that went with it, you know, that I was bottoming out with feeling that I was dependent on something.

[2178] And I wasn't, I couldn't be myself fully because there was a part of my psyche that was locked up in this thing.

[2179] And that was enough for me to go, I got a change.

[2180] I don't want to live my life like that.

[2181] You did it young, man. I remember when you did it.

[2182] I remember it because I remember you were almost like, like you had remorse, you know, that you had to do this.

[2183] Like I felt like there was almost a sadness about you, about the having it like, fuck.

[2184] Yeah.

[2185] I can't do this.

[2186] I just can't do it.

[2187] I'm sorry.

[2188] I'm going to miss it, but it's over.

[2189] Yeah.

[2190] And you just, you just stopped.

[2191] You know, You didn't have to fucking join AA with all these other comics.

[2192] There was a million comics that were in AA, and they were all, like, they had this, like, real weird preachy thing about them, too.

[2193] They'd look at you drinking.

[2194] They'd shake their head.

[2195] They were really annoying, you know.

[2196] You didn't do that.

[2197] You just stopped drinking.

[2198] You stopped.

[2199] Yeah, and it's funny because Boston, AA in Boston is a very intense thing.

[2200] Because with the same power they drank with, they got sober with.

[2201] You know, they would rage with sobriety.

[2202] Yeah.

[2203] And, you know, look, God bless them.

[2204] People that used it and it worked for them, that's fantastic.

[2205] But for some of them, it became like two meetings a day.

[2206] And, you know, you got three sponsors and it's like, you know, that's great.

[2207] But, you know, move along a little bit here.

[2208] You're getting a little caught up in this thing.

[2209] Well, it becomes their culture.

[2210] Yeah.

[2211] The culture of sober people.

[2212] Yeah.

[2213] That's a big culture.

[2214] Strong culture.

[2215] Yeah.

[2216] And again, like for some people, it's life or death.

[2217] It literally is those of the stakes with the meetings.

[2218] Oh, yeah, man. And also it's a good launching pad for a lot of comics.

[2219] They get up and do those meetings.

[2220] They tell hilarious stories about waking up shit face, stuffed into a laundry machine.

[2221] And, you know, they have these ridiculous shit their pants stories.

[2222] Best crowd of all time.

[2223] They're all sober.

[2224] They're jacked up on coffee.

[2225] They love it.

[2226] And they know what the fuck you're talking about.

[2227] Yeah, yeah.

[2228] You know, they're having a good time.

[2229] I remember going to something.

[2230] They was saying, I think it was called like misky pa or something.

[2231] I don't know why I remember that.

[2232] But it was in Worcester and the AA community gets together and they do these conventions where they had like, you know, a thousand.

[2233] people coming from all over New England staying in this hotel and just having meetings.

[2234] You know, there's a 9 a .m., there's a 12 o 'clock step meeting, and they'd all go.

[2235] And apparently, everybody's fucking everybody because they got all this energy to channel and burn off.

[2236] And so it's just hypersexual.

[2237] Obviously, very social.

[2238] I mean, what's more social than you sit down in a meeting and the person next to you go, how you doing, 12 years sober?

[2239] How are you doing?

[2240] I'm great.

[2241] 10 years ago.

[2242] Blu -la.

[2243] Somebody does a motivational talk.

[2244] You clap, you laugh, everybody has a coffee halfway through.

[2245] What a fucking great way to meet people.

[2246] And now you're just like, normally you would go get drunk and pass out.

[2247] And instead, you're awake.

[2248] And jacked up on coffee.

[2249] And you all have something in common.

[2250] Yeah.

[2251] Talk about your sobriety while you fuck.

[2252] Oh, I'm drunk with your cock.

[2253] People love little groups being part of a nice little group that everybody else is trying to run marathons.

[2254] Let's all get our marathon runners group together.

[2255] Yeah.

[2256] Oh, we're all owners of Dotsons.

[2257] We're going to get our Dotsons.

[2258] Oh, little doggies.

[2259] Look, you're a little Dotson.

[2260] I got a Dotson, too.

[2261] I think they meant Dotsons, because it's probably a group of people that own Dotsons.

[2262] Sure, those old 240 Zs, those are the shit.

[2263] Yep.

[2264] Those old little Japanese sports cars, those are fucking badass.

[2265] But those little groups of people, man, no matter what it is.

[2266] People love being part of those little groups.

[2267] You ever go to a dog park?

[2268] What are you shitting me?

[2269] Same people every day.

[2270] And you know what they talk about while they hang out?

[2271] Dogs.

[2272] That's all they talk about.

[2273] Well, I got a corgi.

[2274] Mine's half corgi.

[2275] have poodle so it's a cucko -c -c -c -c -c -c -c -c -c -c -c -c -h.

[2276] She is such a Pomeranian.

[2277] Sometimes she looks in the mirror and she thinks it's another Pomeranian.

[2278] She barks.

[2279] It's adorable.

[2280] But she's protective.

[2281] I mean, you look at the size of her.

[2282] You wouldn't think she's protected.

[2283] Oh, she becomes an animal.

[2284] She becomes a bear.

[2285] How many people hear that?

[2286] Did you ever see Best in Show?

[2287] Oh, yeah.

[2288] That was great.

[2289] Fucking amazing.

[2290] That was awesome.

[2291] They nailed it.

[2292] They nailed that culture, and they did it in a subtle enough way.

[2293] So it was just ridiculous enough where you want, that would never happen.

[2294] Like you go, that could fucking totally happen.

[2295] Yeah, those people that are really into anything, man, no matter what it is.

[2296] It's always funny.

[2297] It's, even us, like the way we talk about comedy, I'm sure people think it's hilarious.

[2298] Yeah, you got to have something because, and I think as you get older, the more you want, because I think you don't realize when you're young that having a shared history about something is going to be so important than the nostalgia of it, the self -identity of it.

[2299] And so as you get older, all of a sudden, like you got guys now that are, you know, just rejoicing in the fact that they're geeks.

[2300] Yeah.

[2301] That they all watch Star Wars when they were kids, and now they get together and they talk about it.

[2302] When they were watching Star Wars as a kid, they felt like a fucking geek, and they weren't necessarily sharing it with anybody.

[2303] They were quietly watching it again and again and then crying in their father's basement.

[2304] You know, there wasn't like a solidarity about it.

[2305] No, and you remember when, like, comic books used to be like for losers.

[2306] Yeah.

[2307] Like when I got rid of my comic books, I remember the great.

[2308] girl I was dating was like good why do you need them why'd you have them still you're 21 I'm like I only got rid of them because I'm fucking broke I sold them to eat I missed them I missed them I I missed all of them I collect those for a long fucking time I sold them for like no money and I remember what it was but I had like these boxes you know I had like three or four boxes filled with comics that I collected from the time I was like 15 oh shit yeah probably even earlier no way earlier because I had a couple of them from the time I was like 12 that I really started collecting when I moved to Boston but before that I guess I had someone in San Francisco too but the point being I'd have them I'd have them for a good chunk of my life and I would open the plastic bags and pull out the fucking Hulk and like different episodes that were like valuable this one's worth five bucks you know like old X -Men and punishers and I love those fucking things but you were taught that you were like a loser like you're clinging onto some childhood stupidity Now they have Comic Con. A million people fly from all over the country to hang out in San Diego and they all wear costumes and shit.

[2309] And those magazines would be worth a lot of money right now.

[2310] Probably.

[2311] I had all the Mad Magazine starting in 1975.

[2312] I had a subscription all the way through probably like three, four, five years.

[2313] And I had them all.

[2314] And then my mom just tossed them all out while I was in college, cleaned out the attic.

[2315] It was devastating.

[2316] Because like you, I used to actually go back and read them.

[2317] I thought they were hilarious.

[2318] Those old mad magazines were fucking brilliant Those were good My parents bought those when I was a little kid I used to read them in a toilet They used to, you know what else they had?

[2319] R. Crum My stepdad was into R. Crum No shit.

[2320] Yeah, you ever read these comics?

[2321] Yeah, I read that and the fabulous freak brothers My stepdad was a hippie.

[2322] And when I was like seven, eight years old When we all started living together I was like seven I got introduced to this weird kind of comic books they would leave in the bathroom.

[2323] The fabulous Freak Brothers and...

[2324] That's San Francisco?

[2325] Yeah.

[2326] Yeah, that's when I was living in San Francisco from like 7 to 11.

[2327] No, but I mean, I think the artist, that's San Francisco, right?

[2328] Was he?

[2329] I think so.

[2330] Yeah, Archrome is San Francisco.

[2331] Did you ever see that documentary?

[2332] Fascinating.

[2333] Yeah, really cool.

[2334] He was a weird motherfucker.

[2335] Still is.

[2336] A weird motherfucker.

[2337] Is he still alive?

[2338] Yeah.

[2339] I think he lives in France.

[2340] I think he moved to Paris or something.

[2341] But his images, like, he would draw these women with these ridiculous, enormous asses, and, like, men would be riding them.

[2342] shit.

[2343] It was just very strange, fetish.

[2344] And, like, seeing that as, like, a little boy, I remember thinking, like, what, who is this weird fucking guy?

[2345] Why is he drawing these people like this?

[2346] Yeah.

[2347] Yeah, the fabulous freak brothers was a big one.

[2348] Like, there's all, they were all, like, hippie comic strips, all black and white comic books that were sort of designed for adults.

[2349] It was very strange stuff.

[2350] Yeah, it was very, uh, it was very, like, you could call it perverted, but it was actually just really raw.

[2351] It was like, it wasn't dirty.

[2352] It was just graphic.

[2353] Yeah.

[2354] It was just like, and resonated.

[2355] It seemed kind of honest.

[2356] Yeah.

[2357] Like, watching this weird fucking guy with glasses, R. Krum, like, his version of himself, they would do, like, riding on top of these women with his enormous asses and high heels.

[2358] And they, it was very strange.

[2359] But you could tell, like, for him, this is like this wild fantasy.

[2360] I got to see that movie again.

[2361] It's really good.

[2362] Shit.

[2363] Inside into, you know, like.

[2364] A really extremely creative artist and all the weird demons that flow through his brain, or angels, whatever it is, that make him create his very strange art. I think if there's anything like that today.

[2365] I mean, there's all this cartoons, like Adult Swim kind of cartoons that are a little offbeat, but they're nowhere near as raw as this stuff is.

[2366] No. I think that if you did it today, you'd be accused of being misogynist.

[2367] Oh, yeah.

[2368] No, his stuff was definitely had race, you know, a lot of racist overtone.

[2369] Yeah.

[2370] But it was, that's what I mean by, it was raw.

[2371] It was honest.

[2372] It was like, no, this is how this guy thinks.

[2373] He's writing, there's something that you could appreciate about.

[2374] This guy is unadulterated putting his thoughts on paper.

[2375] Yeah, let's Google R. Crum Racism.

[2376] And then look at this.

[2377] Bam.

[2378] Oh, yeah.

[2379] Yeah, I mean, he's doing total blackface images.

[2380] Like, Jesus Christ.

[2381] Yeah.

[2382] But he was like a hero of the counterculture at the time.

[2383] Oh, yeah.

[2384] Like, he did a lot of, like, oh, my God, look at this one.

[2385] Shit.

[2386] I mean, these are really fucking racist, man. Holy shit.

[2387] But they had a sense of humor to them that you had to be in on the joke.

[2388] I guess.

[2389] If you just looked at it from the outside, you would just be like, what the fuck kind of hate mail is this?

[2390] I know, man. Wow, this is weird to see.

[2391] I had forgotten how racist some of this shit was and how weird some of them.

[2392] if it was like there's him and this woman with these enormous like horse -like legs like they were so exaggerated the size of their asses and legs he was the first big ass guy way before jalo way before any any of these people he was like the first he was like really into giant asses but he also had like really cool like political shit you know he had like here's one of him riding a woman look at that how strange look at the legs yeah yeah he would ride these women that were in cut -off jeans Jesus Christ oh yeah I've seen this this is a this is a famous one the true Amazon low center of gravity wide hips strong back he like had these weird fetishes about thick powerful women that he would ride I wonder who his sex life was you think he was he must know big prostitutes uh damn who knows I wonder if he would tell us You gotta get him on your podcast Yeah I bet he doesn't do podcasts I mean I don't know where he even is I think he is in France Do you think he's on Twitter?

[2393] I'm gonna say no I'm gonna say that if you got in touch with him And you said I'll come to you I want to talk to you I'm a big fan He wouldn't give a shit if it was a podcast or whatever I bet you that guy would sit down with you Really?

[2394] Yeah That's my guess I would say just the opposite I'd say he's just some fucking weird guy who likes to hide from people but I might be wrong I mean I just find out I think you'd be kind of introverted some of it is here drawing a blank with Robert Crum's a guardian article some of his work is pretty striking but he's hardly worthy of his current status as God of the literary underground wow these are people are upset I remember my sister used to work in an art gallery in New York the Alexander Gallery and they had an art crumb exhibit and I remember asking her and she said no he didn't come It was a huge month -long exhibit Yeah, he probably doesn't want to deal with all the weirdness That he must get from these kind of strange images If you're most of your images are like women with big giant asses And huge legs, tree trunk legs And a lot of them have dudes riding these women Like, people would get upset at you Those would be uncomfortable moments Why are you making me look at this?

[2395] What is this?

[2396] What is your obsession with women with giant ankles?

[2397] I think they put him I think they used to put them in penthouse Really?

[2398] I think so.

[2399] Hmm.

[2400] This is really interesting.

[2401] Keep on trucking.

[2402] That was his shit.

[2403] Yeah.

[2404] Yeah, I mean, he was like a part of that weird hippie subculture of, like, the late 60s and the 70s.

[2405] It's a strange time to be alive, man. These are the first people that were really kind of experimenting with LSD and cannabis was like, oh, my God.

[2406] Some of these are so racist.

[2407] I can't even look at them anymore.

[2408] I am upset, Greg Fitzsimmons.

[2409] I literally can't look at them.

[2410] them looking at penhouse I know that's not one I would have around the house with the kids well I think people now they look at the content of it that was kind of what that guardian article was about they're like hey this guy was kind of fucked up like why we make it amount to be this amazing artist but it is amazing art because it does something to you it gives you this reaction you know is it necessarily all good no but it's it's art like this is a very this is a very unique individual viewpoint like This is this guy's viewpoint.

[2411] And that is art. You might not like it.

[2412] You might be weirded out by it.

[2413] But it takes weird people to make shit that strikes you in the way that this guy's work strikes people.

[2414] Well, art's turned into something that people are supposed to agree with.

[2415] And, you know, and it's supposed to not offend anybody.

[2416] And that's the opposite.

[2417] Art's supposed to shake it up.

[2418] It's supposed to challenge.

[2419] I mean, you think about punk rock.

[2420] And now it's almost like folksy.

[2421] When you think about, oh, punk rock, yeah, they have a mohawk and they pierce stuff and they jump up.

[2422] But when it came out, it was anarchy.

[2423] It was at a time, you know, when it came out in London, it was about, you know, there were strikes going out at the time and there was riots going on in the street.

[2424] And, you know, punk rock represented something that was really fucking scary to the status quo.

[2425] Yeah, it wasn't just your mom won't buy you a car.

[2426] And now they call Green Day punk rock.

[2427] It's like, are you fucking kidding me?

[2428] When Green Day was shitting on Justin Bieber, we're not fucking Justin Bieber.

[2429] It was like, oh, God.

[2430] Oh, did they say?

[2431] If you have to say that, you're not punk rock.

[2432] rock.

[2433] Yeah.

[2434] I mean, there was something where they're getting them off stage early.

[2435] Do you remember that Jamie?

[2436] Yeah, he freaked out and he said, we're not fucking Justin Bieber.

[2437] I think he probably apologized to Justin Bieber after that.

[2438] Yeah.

[2439] I know offense.

[2440] Green Day is a great band, but they're not punk rock.

[2441] Yeah, they're okay.

[2442] They're an okay pop band.

[2443] Yeah, they're pop band.

[2444] Yeah, it's not my style, but they have some songs that I like.

[2445] Sure.

[2446] If I hear them, I think they're enjoyable.

[2447] Right.

[2448] But it's not like, this is like, our crumb was like really essentially, like, punk rock comic books.

[2449] A lot of the racist stuff that he did, he wasn't necessarily being racist as he was highlighting, like, how a racist would view something and doing it in a very shocking way.

[2450] Like, I don't think there can be, I don't think I've ever read anything.

[2451] I might be wrong.

[2452] But I don't think I've ever read anything that indicated that he was actually racist.

[2453] No, no, I don't think so.

[2454] I think he's actually a big liberal.

[2455] I think, you know, he lived in San Francisco.

[2456] I believe.

[2457] But I think it was a lot to do with just being a boy expressing himself.

[2458] He was, he kind of had a rest of development.

[2459] And he was in the same way that when I was 12 years old, the pictures that I would make would probably be in the wheelhouse of the shit that he was making.

[2460] He just made it much better and he did it as a man. But to put big pussy lips and nipples that are, you know, four inches long, like, that's what he used to write.

[2461] I think he was just expressing that.

[2462] Yeah.

[2463] Yeah.

[2464] Well, also, I guess what he was doing with a lot of his images, there were racist pop culture images from the 1940s.

[2465] So he was reviving this very specific type of imagery that was really racist.

[2466] And so the real question, the argument in this article on hooded utilitarian .com, the argument was whether or not it was ironic and or parody, and like whether it's enough.

[2467] to absolve him of doing, you know, these images of re -enacting them or recreating them.

[2468] Hmm.

[2469] It's interesting.

[2470] It's interesting because it's kind of, it's revealing like a very specific style of racist cartoons that they used to do.

[2471] Yeah.

[2472] And in doing so, he's like, you know, he's highlighting it.

[2473] He's showing you like, hey, like this is, if you're normal and if you are a reasonable person who's not racist, you're not going to get.

[2474] racist feelings from looking at this.

[2475] What you're going to do is you're going to say, wow, this was like how people who are racist think.

[2476] Yeah.

[2477] It's not going to make you racist.

[2478] No, you look at like, you know, Chaplin was doing Hitler, you know, F -Troop.

[2479] You know, you're depicting the Holocaust in a way that brings some humor to it and brings a different angle to it.

[2480] No, and he brought, he had humor in his pictures.

[2481] Yeah, you don't become racist by looking at racist shit, right?

[2482] The idea is affecting developing minds, developing, you know, personalities, children.

[2483] adolescents like showing them racist stuff and letting them know it's okay that can plant racist seeds but once you're an adult no one's gonna no one's gonna like make you racist like if you're greg fitzimmons in 2015 and you see some some fucking ridiculous racist racist imagery you're not going to automatically become racist right so the real concern is like are we protecting people from these satire images because we're worried about the impact of them or because it's offensive.

[2484] It's offensive to some people.

[2485] And it's only going to be offensive to some people until things even out.

[2486] Like if you do ridiculous, racist versions of white people, I think it's hilarious and I'm white.

[2487] You know why?

[2488] Because white people are ahead of the curve.

[2489] And if it evens out to the point where black people and white people and Chinese people and everyone, it's on such a fucking even ground and that racism is completely preposterous.

[2490] But the racial differences of each nationality is allowed to be highlighted in brutal fashion and nobody cares.

[2491] Yeah.

[2492] Like if you You, like Richard Pryor sold to white people, the idea of mocking white people.

[2493] Hey, there fella, you know, the white motherfuckers at work, you know, like.

[2494] And we laughed.

[2495] Yeah.

[2496] We all laughed.

[2497] You know, like, you could mock.

[2498] White people never got offended by that.

[2499] Oh, never.

[2500] Never.

[2501] It's like, ah, ha, very cute.

[2502] But there's a lot of jokes.

[2503] Like, you're not even a lot of joke about certain people on stage, like, at all.

[2504] Like any joke about them is racist This is racist Or it's homophobic or it's whatever Fill in the blank And that's ridiculous Like that's ridiculous Who did the joke about Rosa Parks And they got a lot of shit about it Someone did a joke about Rosa Parks Yeah something like he was She was just too tired She was too lazy to move to the back of the bus Or something like that And it was like It fucking blew up It was a black comic I don't know if it was Cat Williams No it wasn't Cat Williams but it's uh what do you think about Leslie Jones what's Leslie Jones?

[2505] She's doing fucking great she's just uh she's gonna be in the new Ghostbusters movie who's Leslie Jones you know her from the comedy oh you know what she probably left the comedy story before you came back she's black chick she's tall she opened for uh cat Williams for years she's a killer okay I don't know her she's really fucking I think I've seen her on TV once she's she's a big funny great chick and she's uh she struggled for fucking 15 20 years doing stand up i don't know 15 years maybe good for her and then she got a she got an SNL and she's just blowing up on SNL and then she just got ghostbusters wow ghostbusters with all checks is that what it is yes oh all chick cast okay good luck with that yeah that's going to be a different angle on that the new new remakes of movies are just it's hard to get behind these remakes of movies.

[2506] It's like, you know, we're going to flip the switch.

[2507] We're going to do Cagney and Lacey with gay men.

[2508] Yeah.

[2509] You know, we're going to do you know, not Cagney and Lacey.

[2510] What was the one when they went off to fucking Thelman Louise?

[2511] They read the Thelman Louise?

[2512] With gay men.

[2513] No. No. I was in.

[2514] I was in.

[2515] Two gay guys holding hands driving off the cliff.

[2516] And they're driving across the country just blowing guys in rest areas.

[2517] Just blowing guys and shooting women.

[2518] Women that don't want her to be gay they get a gun down and then they're running from the law.

[2519] No, let her run first.

[2520] Because wasn't Thelman Louise like some guy did something horrible to them?

[2521] Yeah, you know who played that guy who was Brad Pitt.

[2522] Oh shit, that's right.

[2523] That's when he was a young sexy thing.

[2524] Oh, God damn and he was a good -looking man. Oh, the tits on him?

[2525] Damn it.

[2526] He was perfect.

[2527] That was a great movie though.

[2528] That was like the first chick buddy movie where the chicks were gangster.

[2529] Right.

[2530] You know, there's a few of those moments where the chicks were like super fucking badass in a believable way yeah one of the best ones was pulp fiction pulp fiction and kill bill was just as badass or how about this maybe even better what was the not not pulp fiction what was the one with christian slater that uh turns turn true romance dude yeah she was great come on man what's her name patricia arquette is it patricia arquette or the other one well there was two movies that were similar It was Patty Arquette, did one, and then what's your name in the other one?

[2531] There's a David Arquette, Patricia, she was the one in True Remens?

[2532] Yeah, when she, was it Gandalfini and her have that fucking crazy fight scene, or was it John Madsen?

[2533] Who was it?

[2534] Who else is in it?

[2535] Is Gandalfini in it?

[2536] That's all it says for the cast?

[2537] Dennis Hopper?

[2538] but who uh no there was somebody that got in that that it was gendalphini yeah gandlefini beats the shit out of her and she eventually kills him at the end and it was just so why because it was like believable she was talking shit while he was beating the fuck out of her and then she eventually kills him and it's just so wild and primal when she does and she's all fucked up and beating up like you really felt like she had been in a fight and just killed this fucking yeah it wasn't like a charlie's angels type thing it like was so real yeah it was It was so real.

[2539] What was the one with Juliette Lewis?

[2540] Natural born killers.

[2541] Oh, natural born killers.

[2542] That was pretty badass.

[2543] I want to get her in here, man. She said she would do it, too.

[2544] She said she would do the podcast.

[2545] She's a comedy fan, right?

[2546] She hates out with a lot of comics.

[2547] She's a fascinating person.

[2548] Is she?

[2549] And she believes that, like, Tom Cruise is a victim of, like, propaganda when it comes to, like, anti -Scientology propaganda.

[2550] I would love to hear someone who's like a happy Scientologist.

[2551] Oh, she's a Scientologist?

[2552] Yeah, hardcore.

[2553] Wow.

[2554] Unless she doesn't want to talk about that.

[2555] Have you had a Scientologist on before?

[2556] No. I was curious how much they want to talk about it.

[2557] I used to have a neighbor who couldn't shut the fuck up about it.

[2558] He loved it.

[2559] He was telling me about his wife was going clear.

[2560] Yeah.

[2561] She spent a 50 grand turned clear.

[2562] 50 grand.

[2563] When you know what happens when you're clear?

[2564] What?

[2565] You're no longer negatively affected by outside influence, Gregory.

[2566] That's amazing.

[2567] It's incredible.

[2568] $50?

[2569] Pay up.

[2570] Probably going to be some outside influences because you're going to be.

[2571] broke this guy wanted to buy a piece of property and he couldn't buy it because his wife was going clear I'm not kidding he was talking about this piece of property are you shitting me yeah he wanted to it was like adjacent to his property he was thinking about buying it but he couldn't afford it did he try to did he try to uh no no never tried nope nope explain it to me tell me how much it benefited him but it wasn't proselytizing thank goodness wow that would have been ugly that would be ding dong mr ogan no you're in there It's me happiness Your happiness waits It's clarity.

[2572] It's at the door.

[2573] It's your choice Go with clarity or with none The coast is clear, Joe Don't they like to use like acronyms They use abbreviations or whatever it is For like all these different types of people Suppressive people Yeah Like they have all these different like things that they call upon When they define like various aspects Of negative people That you're encounter in your life That disbelieve the tenets of Scientology Yeah there's like orgs Orbs something.

[2574] I read a book about written by the niece of the guy who is the head of Scientology.

[2575] She broke out.

[2576] She talked about being a child slave.

[2577] They literally separated her.

[2578] Meanwhile, her uncle is the head of Scientology.

[2579] So she had juice.

[2580] Still took her away from her parents and sent her to an all child colony where she was raised.

[2581] And then brought to Hollywood to live.

[2582] They kept moving her around.

[2583] Every time she gets settled in, they just uproot her, separate her from her brother.

[2584] send her to fucking Florida, send her to L .A., the desert, and she talked about how the kids built the entire colony that they lived in.

[2585] They would just put them out to work every day.

[2586] They'd work like eight hours just weeding and gardening and building fences and all this crazy shit.

[2587] And they would get schooled for like two hours a day and it was mostly Scientology schooling.

[2588] What's the name of the book?

[2589] Raised by...

[2590] Do you remember the woman?

[2591] I get the worst fucking memory.

[2592] Hey, I can look it up.

[2593] Jamie, he'll find it.

[2594] He'll find it.

[2595] I got to read that.

[2596] And it just tracks how, you know, then she, they don't want you to procreate because babies are a burden on the church.

[2597] They want you to work.

[2598] They want to create worker bees.

[2599] And they discourage the, you know.

[2600] How much does someone like Tom Cruise have to pay?

[2601] They pay 10%.

[2602] Is that the deal?

[2603] I think it's tithing.

[2604] Yeah, it's probably like a 10 % tithe.

[2605] That's strong.

[2606] And they've got some videotapes if you don't want to pay.

[2607] Or, you know, they make it worth your while to pay.

[2608] Right.

[2609] They benefit you.

[2610] Like, they throw rose petals wherever that guy walks.

[2611] And they're a publicity firm.

[2612] They, they, whatever you want, changed about your, uh...

[2613] Is this the book, Beyond Belief?

[2614] Yeah, that's it.

[2615] My Secret Life Inside Scientology and My Heroing Escape by Jenna Miskavage.

[2616] Yes, Miss Kavage.

[2617] And Ms. Cavage is the name of the guy who's the head of Scientology.

[2618] Wow.

[2619] Yeah.

[2620] That's crazy.

[2621] I mean, it's really crazy that she wrote it because when she left the church, she was threatened by, I mean, this is her fucking family.

[2622] And they would come down and like threaten her, threaten her brother who was still inside the church, threaten her mother.

[2623] They don't fuck around.

[2624] Yeah, you could have been born there.

[2625] You know, I could have been born there.

[2626] That's the luck of the draw.

[2627] Hey, I was born Catholic.

[2628] It's not.

[2629] As was I. Could have been better.

[2630] Did you do Catholic school?

[2631] Oh, yeah.

[2632] No, no, I did Catholic school on Wednesdays and then church on Sundays.

[2633] I did one whole year, Catholic school.

[2634] What grade?

[2635] First.

[2636] Oh, that's not too bad.

[2637] They spack you around a little bit?

[2638] No, scared me. Yeah.

[2639] He didn't maybe hit me very gently.

[2640] Nothing serious.

[2641] Nobody beat me up, but scared the fucking shit out of me and just sorrow.

[2642] Just the walls were soaked with sorrow.

[2643] Yeah.

[2644] Awful, awful place.

[2645] Who's the bloody guy hanging on the wall?

[2646] That's the guy that you're supposed to be more like.

[2647] Oh, I should end up like him if you're good.

[2648] If you're lucky.

[2649] We're out of time, Greg Fitzsimmons.

[2650] Did you read off all your dates?

[2651] I did.

[2652] We're coming up in Denver, Addison, wherever.

[2653] What's the website again?

[2654] Fitzdog .com and then the podcast, Fitzdog Radio, is twice a week.

[2655] Tonight, Greg Fitzsimmons is also going to be at the Ice House in Pasadena, probably sold out.

[2656] It was very close earlier this morning, so most likely.

[2657] It's going to be fun of shit.

[2658] You, me, Duncan, and Tony Hinchcliff.

[2659] and Ian Edwards.

[2660] Jesus Christ.

[2661] Nice.

[2662] That's hell of a show.

[2663] Tony Hinchcliff, Duncan, Ian, and Greg.

[2664] God damn, son.

[2665] Yeah.

[2666] And me. So we'll see you dirty fucks tonight.

[2667] Greg Fitzg .com.

[2668] What is it?

[2669] Fitzdog .com.

[2670] Fitzdog .com.

[2671] Greg Fitzschow on Twitter.

[2672] And that's it, ladies and gentlemen.

[2673] We'll see you next week.

[2674] Until then, enjoy.

[2675] Big kiss.

[2676] Be nice to each other.

[2677] Bye.