#3 - Ari Shaffir

[0] Bam!

[1] Is that it?

[2] Can you people hear us?

[3] Are we up in Cracking?

[4] We had sound for a second there.

[5] Oh, we did have sound.

[6] It just didn't show it in the window.

[7] Hmm.

[8] Okay.

[9] We have sound now?

[10] Come on.

[11] Jump over to the chat.

[12] Bitches.

[13] Jump over to the chat.

[14] They'll tell you right up immediately.

[15] I don't want to look at the chat.

[16] These faggots.

[17] They're all living in there.

[18] Chad's gay.

[19] I heard you for two seconds just now.

[20] Yes.

[21] Okay.

[22] It's working.

[23] So I should close out of this, right?

[24] Otherwise, it won't work.

[25] All right, I'll tell the Twitter people last time.

[26] This is weak, though.

[27] This thing, because it already adds, Hey, Joe Rogan.

[28] See?

[29] Hi, everybody.

[30] Welcome to the Joe Rogan podcast.

[31] So, yeah.

[32] Where's that tomah?

[33] Trying to figure out technical difficulties.

[34] Brian shut that tomahawk pipe up his ass and we've got to get it out.

[35] So we got our tomahawk pipe that we're going to order last.

[36] week.

[37] You said a peace pipe.

[38] What is a piece pipe?

[39] It's a fucking battle at peace or war.

[40] Your choice, bitch.

[41] That's how the Indians roll.

[42] firepower.

[43] I don't think it's probably the best pipe.

[44] It looks like a piece of shit.

[45] It's already clogged.

[46] It comes clog, no. It looks cool though.

[47] But we got a real one right here.

[48] So why fuck around, bitches?

[49] And since all three of us are legal, this, we're legal.

[50] medicating here.

[51] See, what you're looking at is three sick people.

[52] Or you get headaches, is that what you get?

[53] I get headaches and I have sleeplessness.

[54] Sleeplessness and headaches from Mr. Shafir.

[55] No, I didn't tell him headaches.

[56] I said sleeplessness and I said I had surgery the year before.

[57] That's all true.

[58] Yeah.

[59] I get really bad in anxiety, but the rest of the sentence is when I smoke weed.

[60] All right.

[61] We're up and crack at people.

[62] You keep your pot in a bag like the old days?

[63] That was given to me. Oh really?

[64] I was like, there's no other reason.

[65] So, I should kill his gay music, huh?

[66] Yeah.

[67] It's not really gay.

[68] It's just not really good.

[69] It's created by and four homosexuals.

[70] What?

[71] It doesn't fit with the vibe what we're trying to flow here.

[72] You guys are liars, and it's completely cool.

[73] what do we lie about fella oh about our prescriptions no man oh no it helps me sleep one it gives me anxiety and I had surgery and it did it is legal Brian if you had to guess either everyone's watching you or no one's watching you what would you say everybody yeah right now I feel like everybody's watching me because you're paranoid yeah he gets paranoid when he smokes the weed but that's what I told the doctor and he still gave it to me yeah is everybody in here oh you need um pop that this one yeah this one's fucking us up i got some weak ass whack ass dsl internet but um i got new internet installed i just have to install a new router and then from there we'll be able to upload videos we'll be able to i'm gonna change this background and i bring a couch in here and get rid of this desk and put a new desk in and so I only have one desk.

[74] I got this big ass long desk, so this room's all clocked up.

[75] Someone put a couch in here, have a little table right there.

[76] So we have the microphone set up there so we can lounge and do this properly, ladies and gentlemen.

[77] Check this shit out.

[78] I just got in, this is awful.

[79] Imagine having to deal with this.

[80] My mom has a Windows XP computer that's like seven years old and she only has 56K internet available at her house.

[81] Really?

[82] Trying to to help her fix a computer from a virus and she can only connect.

[83] 56K.

[84] Oh my God.

[85] I read the letter said they won't even run.

[86] Yeah.

[87] Old people in viruses man, you should just shoot that computer.

[88] There's no way you're going to fix it.

[89] But can you imagine only getting 56K?

[90] No, I can't.

[91] I did for a long time.

[92] Shit, I started out with 144.

[93] I started out with AOL on an old ass Mac, one of those tan ones, the beige ones, and it had 144 Baud Internet connection.

[94] God, remember how brutal that shit was?

[95] Remember when 336 came out You were like, I'm a motherfucker Everybody got 56K and I was like, man I can't believe it That's like five times as fast I remember paying like $120 for a 56K modem back in the day And that was like so much money It was just like oh So much better than how it started It's even worse You got out of line you gotta tell people Hey I'm online Who wants to use it when I'm done Before I get off Yeah you couldn't use the goddamn phone No That's craziness man Well now that's that AT &TUverse thing If the phone, if the internet goes down, everything's down.

[96] If the computer, if the, the, the TV's down, then your phone's down.

[97] Fires.

[98] And your internet goes down.

[99] Everything's down.

[100] How would you masturbate?

[101] How would you masturbate?

[102] You've got to go by memory.

[103] Those are your three things.

[104] How was the last time you masturbated by memory?

[105] Shower, I do you all the time.

[106] Wow, look at you, sexy bitch.

[107] Do you think cavemen had to draw what they wanted to masturbate to first?

[108] Like, I don't think cavemen just raped and fucked.

[109] I don't think they bothered masturbating.

[110] masturbation is a byproduct of civilization if we weren't civilized we'd be raping like a motherfucker there'd be no there'd be no masturbating you just find someone there would be no gay yeah there'd be no gay you'd just rape your brother and shit you'd be raping everybody yeah there would be no masturbation if there was caveman right yeah i don't know i think rape takes a lot more work same as now when you ever got not with old people old people just get raped all day yeah that's good point everybody'd be waiting in line to rape the next old person when you didn't have a language and you couldn't say hey fucking stop and you couldn't fight someone off back in those days no rape it was just rape if you couldn't like reason with people and say listen when you're raping me you're hurting me i know it feels good temporarily but there's other solutions you can't talk someone out of rape when there's no language right they just attack your ass right i mean that's logic right do you think a girl that's in a coma is just like a robot fucked off no she didn't do anything no that's rude man, that's not a doll, it's a person.

[111] She's never going to come out of the coma, though.

[112] So what?

[113] No, not the role of...

[114] But she's still a human being.

[115] Is she?

[116] I don't know.

[117] But here's the thing about comas.

[118] Haven't you ever seen, like, one of those interviews where someone was in a coma for like seven years, and then for whatever reason I just woke up and he said he was awake the whole time?

[119] Wouldn't that be awful?

[120] Fuck that.

[121] Fuck that, man. Get webcast tips from Anthony Coomia.

[122] That's a very good idea.

[123] Next time we're going on ONA, We're definitely going to do that.

[124] We're going to find out what the fuck is up.

[125] Oh, yeah, he does a great one from his compound.

[126] His is sweet.

[127] Yeah, trust me. Once you get your internet hooked up there, it's all I'm waiting for.

[128] I just bring a laptop over here, and this shit would be changed.

[129] Brian, the second.

[130] I've been just waiting for the internet upgrade.

[131] I think this is a good thing to commit to.

[132] This is the 2010 commitment.

[133] We're going to do this every week.

[134] So easy.

[135] Just hop on and fuck around, and everybody enjoys it.

[136] Does Anthony have guests?

[137] He's got everything.

[138] Everything, man. He's got guests.

[139] He's got these cameras that are, like, real, like, studio quality cameras.

[140] He's got real, like, radio station microphones.

[141] He's got everything.

[142] He's got a background green screen.

[143] So he changes it.

[144] You make it, like, buildings.

[145] That was a green screen.

[146] Dude, that's what we need.

[147] This back wall needs to be a fucking green screen.

[148] Yeah, I just have a space behind.

[149] No, like that roller coaster effect.

[150] How hard would that be?

[151] That wouldn't be hard, right?

[152] Dude, oh, you have to buy a sheet.

[153] I have a sheet.

[154] I can bring a shoot over.

[155] Oh, that's going to happen right there.

[156] The one we got right now.

[157] Well, the cable's installed.

[158] I just need to change the router.

[159] Can you take a picture of this and green screen the exact same background behind us?

[160] Oh, that would be so dope.

[161] So we could pull cameras.

[162] You know, it would be cool as if we edit like two mirrors looking into each other where they look infinitely.

[163] Back right back.

[164] Yeah, that would be cool.

[165] Did you see that video I posted today on your message board under I wish so, or I can't wait to my cell phone does this?

[166] No, what is it?

[167] There's a video on Joe's message board.

[168] It's under the topic on the called I can't wait till my cell phone does this.

[169] And it's this company that does special effects so that you could pretty much, and it shows like all their samples.

[170] And it's just like backgrounds of buildings that you'd never think was a green screen.

[171] And it just shows you like the scenes first.

[172] And then it shows how they're, yeah, it's amazing.

[173] Could you imagine if you could do that with your phone, if you could like put your phone down and change what you're looking at?

[174] You know, that's what's going to happen eventually.

[175] When they figure out how to broadcast images and make them look real like it's right in front of you, like not just on a screen, but an actual hologram that looks real right in front of you.

[176] God damn.

[177] Could you imagine when your TV becomes something that you just place in the middle of your living room, you put it down, you turn it on, and the image just comes out of it?

[178] Yeah, man, like old -school Princess Leia type shit.

[179] But, like, you can't tell the difference, though.

[180] You know what I mean?

[181] How intense would that be?

[182] It'll start off like VHS quality where you're like, I can kind of tell the difference.

[183] It's all static -y and stuff.

[184] It's going to happen.

[185] 3 -D television was the big thing at the...

[186] Fuck wearing 3D glasses, though.

[187] No, they said one has one where you don't have to.

[188] Well, I didn't see the avatar in 3D.

[189] I saw it in regular.

[190] And even in regular, holy fucking shit, that movie's good.

[191] Yeah.

[192] It's not like a good movie, like really great writing.

[193] You can't believe they went there.

[194] You see everything coming a mile away, and you don't care.

[195] I'm probably going to say this week, but it's like, I just feel like I'll leave going like, yeah, I'm sorry.

[196] No, you're not going to say it's all right.

[197] If you get super baked, you're going to love the fuck out of that movie.

[198] it's so big you see it no it either has yeah this guys haven't seen it I see through storylines too easily hilarious these guys are both nerds listen are you gonna see through the story you're gonna see through storyline but it's not gonna matter but it's not for that it's a comic book man it's bullshit it's just entertainment just pretend like you're 15 again and you're just watching some stupid Batman movie oh my god is there good action Jesus fucking Christ bro I didn't want to tell you about it because I don't want to doing it.

[199] I don't want to be the person.

[200] I don't want to be the person.

[201] I don't want to spy movies or shit like that or just action movies.

[202] Fuck a spy movie.

[203] This thing's off the charts.

[204] And I didn't even see it in 3D.

[205] Apparently in 3D, it's insane.

[206] Mike Black said that 3D's a must.

[207] He sees movies like more than anybody, but IMAX is not necessary.

[208] Oh.

[209] He said you have to go 3D but not IMAX, you can take it to leave it.

[210] He's probably seen 10 times already, right?

[211] He's seen a few times.

[212] If you, Mike Black, if you talk to him on a Tuesday and say, want to see a movie, he's already seen everything.

[213] Jesus.

[214] Yeah.

[215] every week.

[216] He just goes every week.

[217] Friday night.

[218] He's always going to him all.

[219] Yeah.

[220] He always gets that midnight show.

[221] I love movies when they're good.

[222] Like, Avatar was a great experience.

[223] There's something, I believe there's something about seeing a movie in front of a bunch of people, too.

[224] It's a totally different experience.

[225] Watching a movie by yourself.

[226] You know, when it's a shitty movie, then you're just watching a shitty movie with a bunch of people.

[227] And it sucks even more.

[228] We also have Hellboy 3.

[229] Oh, El Boy.

[230] Yeah, and we still walk that, right?

[231] Yeah.

[232] That was awful.

[233] That was terrible.

[234] that movie was so dumb there's people that love I know but I think they're Hellboy fans they're fans of the comic book first and that's what we fucked up on we didn't know what's going on I couldn't get high enough it's the responsibility of the movie to make you understand even if you're not a fan yes but that's what that happens in those big like big story things like Harry Potter I saw the last Harry Potter it was deaf I couldn't I couldn't wait for it to be over it was like being in jail it was terrible it wasn't even remotely entertaining there was nothing entertaining about so one Harry Potter was pretty good yeah the first one was really good first couple were good were they had that broomball thing yeah that was fucking dope I don't know one of the second ones I think the second one was when the dragon was coming after was that the second one I think that was no I think that was the third one the third one would have that dragon scene was worth the whole movie to me like everybody talked about how the Hulk sucked that Hulk totally sucked but when he's fucking shit up, man It's worth it That's good All the new Marvel movies have been pretty good The Iron Man was fucking insane The new one looks even crazier man That's gonna be the shit I need a good story along with the action I couldn't watch Wolverine man The last Wolverine was terrible I'm sure the action was just as good as some other stuff But it's like If there's nothing gripping you It's too predictable Like there's the scene where the gasoline's running away from the car And he's walking away and he lights the gasoline the car blows up behind him, how many fucking times can you see that one?

[235] That fucking scene is so weak.

[236] Exactly, exactly what he did.

[237] And then when it blows up, it just keeps watered.

[238] Yeah, it's so stupid.

[239] So, like, I'm a badass.

[240] You know, you got to come up with a new way to be, the new badass isn't like some guys like snarling, and the new badass is a guy like Fador.

[241] It doesn't say shit.

[242] There's no image.

[243] I would do it.

[244] I'd try to be cool and let it start to walk away, but then I'd start to assume it's going to happen, so I start going like that and I'm like, and I'm like, wait, what's happening?

[245] And then I'm going to blow up.

[246] Well, not only that.

[247] You've got to look out for shrapnel.

[248] Yeah.

[249] Stupid.

[250] How can you assume it's not going to hate you?

[251] It's going to fuck blow up back there.

[252] It's going to come flying at you, man. I would make my trail so long and a route of building.

[253] Yeah, I would run like a...

[254] Still pay a bum to light it.

[255] I still want to sit.

[256] Yeah, pay a bumble to light it.

[257] That's the move.

[258] So look, I'm pretty sure.

[259] In the movies.

[260] One's the last time anybody died doing that in the movies.

[261] Never.

[262] You could talk some sensitive to them.

[263] He'd be like, yep, yep, yep.

[264] That'd be a great ending to a movie.

[265] Have a guy I liked the cigarette, put it out, and then just, ow!

[266] And just die.

[267] Yeah, that would be, that would be crazy.

[268] I've talked to you guys about this before.

[269] Wouldn't it be awesome to have a job to watch a movie and just, your whole job was just going, all right, I totally wouldn't do that.

[270] I wouldn't do that.

[271] I wouldn't keep my keys on the dashboard while I'm at McDonald's, you know, or something like, you know?

[272] Right.

[273] Because it seems like there's so many movies you're into, and then you're like, oh, what?

[274] It's so gay.

[275] It seems like they have a bunch of nitpickers.

[276] could be cured, Professional Hollywood nitpickers.

[277] Yes, nitpickers.

[278] You should start an agency.

[279] You should have that thing where people go to see TV shows and they go to see TV shows and they go out right?

[280] It's probably they probably had that already and it's like the gaffer but we just never knew what the gaffer was.

[281] But it's like if you're bugging one person you're probably bugging a whole bunch of people.

[282] Yeah, totally and people just deal with it.

[283] Yeah.

[284] It's like girls that won't tell you that your breast stinks.

[285] But the more you have to do that the more takes you out of the movie.

[286] Totally, yeah.

[287] Well, there's some scenes like that in Avatar, definitely.

[288] There's a couple of scenes like that.

[289] You didn't have to do it.

[290] It was just, there was a few clichés that were like so extreme.

[291] It was almost like it wasn't even a movie.

[292] It was like, this is how clunky some of the acting was.

[293] Even Sigourney Weaver was so clunky.

[294] It wasn't like it was a movie.

[295] It was like, you know how you go to Universal Studios and you go on a ride?

[296] And before the ride you play that little video?

[297] It was like that.

[298] Oh, really?

[299] Yeah.

[300] And you're like, oh, what?

[301] And you're like, okay, go back in.

[302] but you're not fully back in.

[303] You've got to come out and it's like the cliches were just so off the charts.

[304] They were in zombie land it was pretty good but the chicks that are lined at the end it was almost like you had me at hello that's like oh, what are you doing?

[305] And all of a sudden I'm like, oh, I'm watching a movie.

[306] yeah, but isn't that what that whole movie was kind of about?

[307] Cheesy humor mixed with zombies and stuff?

[308] This is what I want to know.

[309] Is there a single human being is there a single human being that saw the ads for that fucking, let me tell you about the Morgans that you know the movie with Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant, the new one that's out now, something about the Morgans.

[310] Is there a fucking single shoeman who saw that, that ad and went, fuck yeah.

[311] Yeah, that had to be.

[312] I'm sure there's huge Sarah Jessica Parker fans.

[313] Oh, yeah, but even a huge Sarah Jessica Parker fan doesn't give a fuck about Hugh Grant.

[314] You know?

[315] There's got to be somebody.

[316] Who was coked out of their mind when they greenlit that fucking movie?

[317] I think we got a winner here.

[318] We got Hugh Grant and we got Sarah Jessica Parker.

[319] And then someone pulls the guy aside, yeah, but it's 2010.

[320] It must suck, too, if you're a scream on her.

[321] It's not, 19 -a -old.

[322] Yeah, you're like, I'm thinking about Brad Pitt and Julian and Jolie.

[323] It's like, awesome.

[324] It's like, and in the studio, some doctors, like, hey, instead of that, we're going with these guys, want to keep a little low budget.

[325] You'd be like, no, no. Why would you?

[326] Well, they're committed.

[327] They have two projects going right now.

[328] It would be at least a year and a half.

[329] This script is so good.

[330] We don't need stars.

[331] We don't need beauty.

[332] We don't need talent.

[333] Your script is so good.

[334] We want a guy that got arrested for getting blown by black hookers.

[335] Remember that?

[336] Disgusting ones.

[337] Ruined his career, sort of, but not really, right?

[338] He kind of came back after that.

[339] They all come back.

[340] You know, you could get busted doing something like that if you're an actor, and for some reason it's okay.

[341] You've got projects in the works already.

[342] They don't want to feed the money.

[343] Crangy didn't have anything in the works.

[344] Yeah, if you got projects in the work...

[345] Well, he'd never had anything in the works.

[346] He's a weird fuck.

[347] Like Mel Gibson had like three things coming.

[348] What are they going to do to not show him?

[349] Let's talk shit about Kramer.

[350] Did you ever have to deal with him?

[351] The Jews?

[352] Did you ever have to deal with him at the Comedy Store?

[353] Yeah, I saw him, not in a bad way I saw him when he got there And I was like, oh cool, Scramers here, you know He just always felt like he wasn't really there Yeah, he wasn't.

[354] But then you saw him on stage Like, oh, this isn't good And then people stopped People stopped like being weirded out by it was like I called you that night before it happened He's like, dude, Kramer's here He's fucking like a crack or something He's with some crazy chick And like an hour later That all happened.

[355] It was either Brent Ernst Or Mazja Brani Was he what he told us?

[356] He came back from the laugh factory and told us he was like, Brent.

[357] What is he, Brett, Brent.

[358] Brent.

[359] That's what I was saying.

[360] I thought you said Brent.

[361] I thought you said Brent.

[362] No, I said Brent.

[363] Anyway, he came over and just told us to do.

[364] Kramer went fucking crazy.

[365] Started yelling, nigger of people.

[366] We were like, what?

[367] But we thought it was like another one of those things.

[368] In the world of comedy you always hear about some show like, hey, we hear what happened in the conversation?

[369] Don Barris pulled his cock out and slap some lady in the face with it.

[370] You're like, shut the fuck up.

[371] Yeah, she's suing, man. It's getting crazy.

[372] That's normal.

[373] For us?

[374] Like, cool.

[375] I wish I would have been there.

[376] I left like an hour ago.

[377] Yeah, you'd be pissed off.

[378] Oh, well, I'll see you next week.

[379] That's one of the things about the old school comedy stores.

[380] You never wanted to go home because you never knew what the fuck was going to happen.

[381] I made the mistake of thinking a show was over where a guy was miming out being broken up with by a porn star as she started fondling and touching her boyfriend.

[382] And he was like, please, Pete Garboni, please take me back.

[383] I can change.

[384] And then they got on stage and I thought it was done.

[385] I was like, ah, that was a great night.

[386] I left.

[387] Later, that porn star was fucking her boyfriend right to the side of the stage.

[388] while everybody was watching.

[389] Yeah, well, embarrassed on stage just trying it down.

[390] And I'm like, why would I have gone home?

[391] It just seemed like it was all wrapped up.

[392] That shit will happen all the time to comic stories.

[393] You never know what you're going to see there.

[394] A lot of penis.

[395] A lot of penis has a comedy story.

[396] Seems like everyone was to show you their dick.

[397] Why did comedy comics like that?

[398] It's so funny.

[399] Because it's funny.

[400] Lips dick is hilarious.

[401] You live dick with your ballsack to say in there.

[402] Flasset gross penises.

[403] It's something else.

[404] What was the chick's name that was on stage where Joey was in the back of?

[405] the room at the original room and he came out and kept pulling his balls out and she thought she was killing he would come out she was terrible she was a terrible comedian christie i forget what her name no no anyway whatever the chick's name was she she's on stage and she's one of those lifers that had been doing comedy like 20 plus years but had never made a living out of it which was the comedy store kind of like kept those people around whereas like those people like the really crazy people that are not really in the world of comedy but they're sort of in the world would come me. They don't get up at the improv.

[406] They don't get, but at the store, those people would get up on a better basis.

[407] And they'd really want their stage time.

[408] And they want to run through their jokes.

[409] And you'd see them and panic when you see them on the lineup, because you thought they would clear the room out.

[410] They would.

[411] They would usually will.

[412] Clear that fucking room.

[413] Eight times out of town.

[414] Yeah, and so anyway, so she's on stage and every time she goes near her box, like we all seen her act a million times.

[415] Jilly Diaz is behind her.

[416] The way the original room worked, you could actually sneak up on somebody while they're on stage.

[417] Open up the curtain and grab them.

[418] pulling to the darkness.

[419] There's a curtain right there.

[420] And you can fully stand back there.

[421] Totally stand.

[422] Plenty of room.

[423] You got like this much room.

[424] So Joey goes back there, takes all his fucking clothes off, and every time she hits the punchline, he pulls open the curtain and starts shaking his balls, and his big giant grapefruit balls are slapping around, and then he would close it back up.

[425] And she didn't see shit.

[426] She thought she was slaying.

[427] She thought she was slaying.

[428] She was like, oh, you guys like that one?

[429] Like, she was all jolly and happy.

[430] like all of a sudden she figured comedy out like yes my hard work has come to fruition and when that happens to the whole back row fills up with comedians and the comedian that's on the stage she's like oh cool the comics are watching me they whatever nope we've seen so much crazy shit at that place that the comedy store the old school hangouts were the best part about the comedy store the audiences were some of the worst ever which is one of the reasons why you develop like like people always say like you know oh you know you're always dealing with hecklers like uh you know what it was that like is that is that freaking out like when you start out the comedy store dude you have to deal with hecklers yeah it's not every time but it's like one out of five the only time they get rid of the guys when violence is about to happen it gets like to the point of violence like people are standing up screaming at people and then you really need audience members that come to the booth to complain yeah about a different audience yeah yeah yeah you need like people ready to stab people for them to do anything otherwise they wouldn't shit.

[431] So you develop that style, the style that you have and I have and Joey has where you could just flip around.

[432] You don't say you're at from beginning to end.

[433] Like some people, especially like a lot of guys who start out in clubs like in New York, you get really short sets.

[434] You know, you don't get to fuck around on stage for a half an hour or an hour.

[435] You don't get like those nice long sets.

[436] And when you get those nice long sets, then you could put material where you want it and fuck around and be loose and it's got more of flow to it's like you have to do some seven minutes tests to get ready.

[437] You don't have time to like hey what's up everybody let it you don't have time at all you go go go and get off.

[438] Like isn't it frustrated to you when you have to do a TV show and you have to do like seven minutes?

[439] You're like shit.

[440] It's not of times a bit and a half, two bits.

[441] And you don't know how to set it up.

[442] It's like yeah this is a good bit but it's really good after I've been talking for 10 minutes and you know my personality you know where I'm coming from.

[443] It's a different It's a different technique.

[444] Yeah, it's totally different.

[445] The people who do seven minutes sets only pretty much are better at that.

[446] Yeah.

[447] Yeah.

[448] They're more realize their potential than someone who's used to a long sets and has to cut it down.

[449] Yeah, you get used to what you can get away with because you can't really dig a hole.

[450] And you really know you're pacing there.

[451] If you dig a hole in seven minutes, like there's bits that I have where I know, like the baby blowjob bit, that's, that's a possible hole.

[452] Any time, someone can fall into that can't open and close with it.

[453] I can't open with that fucking thing.

[454] People will be like, what?

[455] Yeah.

[456] No, you can't talk about this yet.

[457] I don't know how you think.

[458] But if they know how you think, they know, oh, this guy's just being silly, he's just fucking around.

[459] He's a really nice guy and you realize this is all in fun we're just having a good time up here then people will accept craziness if they know it's all bullshit but if they don't know you you can't just go on stage and you might have this killer brilliant bit but you'll do the first opening line of it and I'll just start eating it right away and you're like fuck yeah it's like wow I have one you over here I got a hole I have a four minute hole I have to fill the side of just dropped the bit right now I'm like fuck it I do something else I mean real comedy is in front of an audience and comedy any comedy on television even comedy like when I felt like I did my comedy special like I'm happy that people get a hold of it but it's really just an ad to get them to come see us it's a bastardized version of the real thing yeah it's I mean it's nice it's got the material down and you know you can see it without having to drive across the country to where people like well what's a difference I can still see the jokes it's exactly what they saw it's like no you don't because then what you miss is the connection you try to make with an audience and you weren't in that audience and you feel that feel and hear the same things you heard that's a huge point right there the connection because it doesn't count that it's not just the jokes that are written yes it's not it's you can't discount it it's a real there's a real thing that's happening with you in the audience yeah it's very strange it's like um like almost like like a psychic connection you know like there's moments where they know exactly what you're thinking and you can just pause and consider something and they'll start laughing because they know by based on you know they're going there with you I try not to judge other comics by watching them on TV, but I do.

[460] But I try to talk about it's like, oh, no, no, maybe it was...

[461] Yeah, same thing.

[462] It's hard not to.

[463] It still looks right.

[464] It looks like what I see what they're doing.

[465] Somebody just sent me a tape of some guy.

[466] Check out this guy that he's really funny, and I was like, watching the clip, and I'm like, no, no. I saw this, Lori Clementon, remember her?

[467] No. New York.

[468] I think January 1st or 2nd, she was doing a show that somebody threw a roll letter, bread roll.

[469] It was just a heckler video.

[470] And I was watching it.

[471] I was like, yeah, that's pretty good.

[472] But if I was there, I'd be like, oh, this is fucking great, you know?

[473] You don't know what's going to happen.

[474] You're caught up in the moment.

[475] It's a completely different thing.

[476] And she knows that about the crowd.

[477] That's how she was just a certain way.

[478] People love that when moments just happen when you're in the middle of a show.

[479] Stand -up comedy really is sort of like a mass hypnosis.

[480] It's like some weird mass connection with people.

[481] And what you're doing with, like, a video is you're just hoping that someone will sort of get a little bit of that connection.

[482] You know, you'll get like a little, like a little vibration of it, a little, just like a faint memory of that connection.

[483] You get the material and you understand good writing and all that stuff, but there's a moment that happens when you're on stage and you're killing.

[484] You know that moment where it's just it's a weird feeling, man?

[485] I don't think too many people understand that.

[486] You know?

[487] What people talk about like, oh, is comedy scary?

[488] It's not scary.

[489] People want to have a good time.

[490] You just got to do what you're supposed to do put into work, write a lot, perform a lot, do it with the right state of mind, do it the right intentions, do it all for fun.

[491] As long as you work, if you're intelligent, you've been doing it, you know how to do it, just fucking do it, man. The only time I heard is called Scarlett.

[492] Jonathan Gottsich was on stage once, I don't know, like 11 -3rd, whatever it was, and he was just killing.

[493] Right from the star, you start fucking destroying.

[494] And you see him about like 10 or 12 minutes going, uh -huh.

[495] I've done that.

[496] And then he hiccups, because he realized this might be the best set of all time.

[497] And then he's like, yeah.

[498] And the last like three minutes was probably like a B plus A minus.

[499] And he was like, oh I know.

[500] But he was like, oh my God, I'm doing so well.

[501] He felt responsible for the rest of the set.

[502] I was like, how's totally done that?

[503] Have you talked yourself out of killing?

[504] Yeah, we're like, what?

[505] I'm happy to be this good.

[506] I started eating it.

[507] I remember there was a set that I had when I first started doing comedy with the first five minutes.

[508] I fucking crushed.

[509] And then I have 10 minutes set.

[510] And then I dropped a glass.

[511] I just fumbled, dropped the glass, and didn't even address it.

[512] And it's so fucking word.

[513] Yeah.

[514] And in the next five minutes I just ate shit.

[515] I fucking ate shit, man. It was like I went from everybody laughing and wow, this guy's really funny.

[516] What a great choice.

[517] We picked the comedy show.

[518] This is awesome.

[519] Because it was like in some weird place in the middle of Rhode Island.

[520] It wasn't even a comedy club.

[521] It was like one of these little little comedy gigs that you would get where you know you chopping and do a guest bot like before you were actually getting paid you know it took me like a year before ever got any paid sets but before that year there was always guys that had like these little barrooms and you can go up and do 10 minutes like in boston they developed a whole network of those there were shows everywhere they had comedy night all over the place when i was doing comedy they had three comedy clubs on one block warrington street three on one block and our fourth one to open upstairs they were all packed it was crazy and then you had another one that was only a block away was a little Dick Dardy place.

[522] And then you had another one, Stitches that was only a couple miles away.

[523] And then on Route 1, you had two huge ones.

[524] You had the Cowloons, and you had Giggles.

[525] These are like full -time clubs.

[526] Like, Giggles wasn't.

[527] Cowloons, maybe I think was just a weekend one, too.

[528] But the other ones were seven -day -a -week clubs.

[529] How many people in Boston?

[530] I don't know.

[531] There's a few million, but it was crazy, man. There was stitches.

[532] There was duck soup, which was later became the improv.

[533] And then there was, of course, the next comedy stuff.

[534] There were so many fucking clubs.

[535] it was the most incredible play it was so lucky just a total streak of luck that I was in Boston in 1988 when I wanted to do comedy because that was like that was like Mecca so much stage time and it was Mecca for the whole country for whatever reason that one place developed all these comics I mean like him or not Dennis Leary Whits his face Stephen Wright and then guys you've never heard Jay Leno of course Nick DePaolo Anthony Clark Anthony Clark back then was a murderer dude I remember seeing on TV doing his jokes Yeah he You know I think you got a television show When things started Happened for him And I just think A lot of stuff Didn't fall into place But when I was starting out Back in Boston Ari Shafir moved away from the camera So my grandma doesn't see Oh his grandma Start taking some questions That nosy bitch She's still watching your news streams Start taking some questions Yeah you got so many people asking you Well, man, shit happens You can't, Brian.

[536] Oh, no, no, no, I mean, listen, man. No, no, no, no. Let me tell you something, man. Let me tell you something how this shit works, okay?

[537] When you're on the radio show, you never have someone telling you to take some questions.

[538] Yeah, they always say that.

[539] You say, hey, let's take some calls when they want to.

[540] When there's a break.

[541] When there's a break in the action?

[542] That was a break in the conversation.

[543] So I said, let's take the question.

[544] What's wrong with you, people?

[545] Let's do it.

[546] Let's do it.

[547] What are the, what are some questions?

[548] No, no, no. You get reception in here.

[549] AT &T is fucking good up here.

[550] Yeah.

[551] Verizon sucks up there.

[552] Yeah, Verizon's terrible up here, but AT &T's the bomb diggity up here.

[553] But Verizon's better everywhere else.

[554] And I'm going to get something hooked up where you can have Verizon in your house through the internet.

[555] You have like a little internet thing.

[556] And it's like Wi -Fi through your house.

[557] So even if where you live doesn't have good internet, you want to get it off that.

[558] It's actually what it does is it uses your Wi -Fi and it rebroadcasts.

[559] Hey, this ain't radio.

[560] I know it's not radio.

[561] but I mean a precedent has been set sir I would try to um we're doing it like radio this guy Tobias holft he's saying red band hit him already listen fellow you got a lot of pent up anxiety we're friends all right attention you gave it to him we're friends here there's no no one's hitting anybody god damn it just settle the fuck down so many angry people that that that hang out in the USC community well it's something It's not just the UFC community.

[562] It's in the world, man. There's a lot of angry motherfuckers over.

[563] But I've noticed since...

[564] Even on the bros...

[565] It's like 8 .45 a .m. Yeah, the economy's in the shitter.

[566] We're in two fucking wars that makes zero sense.

[567] There's a lot of angry fucking people out there, man. Yeah, but there's a lot of UFC people that have noticed that have come on to your message board lately that has kind of taken over the crowd and they're either cool, which a lot of them are cool.

[568] A lot of them are cool.

[569] But there are so many dumbasses and fucking morons and fighter guys.

[570] It's true, but the beauty of that message board is the retard room.

[571] That's the beautiful thing.

[572] I have out of this killer message board on Joe Rogan .net.

[573] It's forums .jo Rogan .net.

[574] And these forums, we have it set up.

[575] So people are just generally instructed to be cool with each other.

[576] Don't be retarded.

[577] Post interesting shit.

[578] Talk about things.

[579] And occasionally someone will fucking blow up.

[580] They get retarded.

[581] They get stupid.

[582] They get angry.

[583] They get agro.

[584] They start fights.

[585] And so then we send them to the retard room.

[586] And we have a special room that's just for everyone in it.

[587] has been deemed a retard i mean you're not all retarded i know some of you're probably just young and some of you had a tough life and you're crazy i don't hate you i just don't want you fucking up the conversations and when people fuck up the conversations for more than you know a certain couple and two or three times we sent him to this retard room it's the greatest invention ever i don't know whose it was whose idea was it i forget crescent wrench was the guy who came up the idea where everybody should have to post porn that was his idea which was cool yeah that was the original you got creepy You got too fucked up.

[588] Because it wasn't about saying, I'm cool, look, here's the next moment, I'm cool.

[589] It became like, let me show you a better porn, asshole.

[590] Yeah, and it became like a website where you could just get porn.

[591] You wouldn't have to go anywhere else but my website to get porn.

[592] It was videos and now with those, those fucking, those you porns and X movies, big giant ass fucking pictures.

[593] Porn hub.

[594] they're huge.

[595] They're twice as big as YouTube one.

[596] And they look good.

[597] You know, it's funny.

[598] It's funny is it also the people that were most addicted to porn and had the best porn photos were the most popular people so actually we were friends with the most creepy people we're friends of people that were like 7 gigabytes full fairly legal Jews who will go to strip clubs when the girl's performing with like magazines heard of sign yeah I met Gina Lynn she's really pretty she's very nice It's actually cool It's actually really cool She's a nice person She's not doing porn very much longer I love that they like them because of porn and then they're proud Yeah, then they want them out.

[599] Just picking up for them.

[600] You can do better than this.

[601] I just want you to know.

[602] Some dudes are just into it.

[603] Bella said she's done with porn.

[604] Wow.

[605] She's done acting in them.

[606] What is she going to do now?

[607] Just produce.

[608] Wow.

[609] She's going to become a pimp.

[610] Yeah.

[611] She's tired of baseball bats up the pooper, huh?

[612] I don't think she's tired.

[613] I don't know how anybody can get tired of that.

[614] She is the best.

[615] She's going to continue with that.

[616] She does.

[617] Because out of nowhere, she's like, oh, here, here's my asshole.

[618] And you're like, oh, it's great.

[619] There it is It really is like that too She sends you NSFW Not safe for work I think you need a bigger warning Than loads dripping out of your Gaping asshole That's not just not That's not safe for life That's ridiculous You're showing me You're showing the whole world You're like right to the butthole Like not mysterious Lips and sucking on fingers and taunting you with lingerie Uh -uh.

[620] She loves it?

[621] Wide open butthole with spurns squirty up.

[622] That's what she's into.

[623] God damn.

[624] She's on the flowers.

[625] A bitch goes deep.

[626] She takes it to another level.

[627] She does.

[628] She set the bar like a motherfucker.

[629] Uh -huh.

[630] I've never seen anybody shove a baseball bat up their ass like that.

[631] It's a loss of the community.

[632] It's a huge loss.

[633] It's like Jordan retiring the first time.

[634] It is.

[635] It is.

[636] Who's the dirtiest girl in porn now, Sasha Gray?

[637] No, that she's gone?

[638] Is she dirty?

[639] She's supposed to be really dirty.

[640] It's just a good marketer.

[641] I don't think she's way dirty in the last.

[642] rest of him.

[643] Um, she looks pretty dirty.

[644] Jesus.

[645] What happened, Brian?

[646] Brian's acting like John Candy?

[647] Thing balancing on this?

[648] Man, you don't know what the fuck you're doing, man. You're doing everything.

[649] This is a story behind this thing behind us, and I'm gonna put something in front of it, so I was a fucking...

[650] Is that a bunch of pot on the ground?

[651] Yep.

[652] What business we're running, man?

[653] All right.

[654] This sign, when Doug Stanhope and I were, uh, hosted the man show there was a segment called make me hard and the segment uh we had like boxes attached to dudes dicks and like uh we would show them things like uh like a midget eating a banana and we would decide oh he's getting a hard on ding ding ding it was really stupid but the whole reason for the bit was so that we could use this tranny and in the bit we had this tranny and she was really hot i mean she's fucking super hot like my friend eddie saw her in a car once and he goes damn that bitch is hot look at her and I go dude that's a tranny and he goes the whole fucking way I go yeah we used her on the manchills I'm like hey what's up how you doing so anyway we got this guy with the box on so the idea is that we show them all this stuff that's not not sexy like guys playing with her nipples big fat guys and the light would go off you know midget's eating a banana the light would go off and then we had this super hot chick and she's rubbing on him and she's touching him and nothing Nothing's happened.

[655] His light is not going off.

[656] And she pulls her tits out.

[657] The fucking audience is going crazy.

[658] And he's sucking whipped cream off her tits.

[659] And then she pulls her cock out.

[660] And her cock is this wrinkled, shriveled up little poison dick.

[661] Because it's a real dick.

[662] Like, she used to be a man. But she's been injecting herself with so many female hormones that her dick is like a dick that's been poisoned.

[663] It was like a monkey that got shot with a poison dart, which you would imagine his dick would look It was dark and shriveled up.

[664] And then, of course, the lights going off like crazy.

[665] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[666] But they let us do all this.

[667] What they didn't let us do was call it Make Me Hard.

[668] They wanted to call it Make Me Stiff.

[669] And that was like a legitimate argument.

[670] So you changed it.

[671] So we had to change it for Make Me Hard to Make Me Stead.

[672] It was your choice.

[673] I just said, you're going to put your foot down as a creative person and say, no, without hard, it's not the same.

[674] But that's how dumb it is when you're dealing with network television.

[675] And that's how dumb their arguments are.

[676] It's like everybody wants to change something.

[677] And they really believe that they have to change something to get your respect.

[678] That you know, that you're going to have to listen to them.

[679] And they want to come in and they all, none of them are creative and all of them have an opinion.

[680] How could that be more offensive?

[681] How could the word hard be more offensive than the word stiff?

[682] That doesn't even make any sense.

[683] Stiff to me sounds like even more like, like pokey.

[684] You know, like make me hard as like, ugh, it's like you're rare in the girl.

[685] make me stiff as like, like you're stabbing somebody with it.

[686] Like, eh.

[687] You know, it's like, they don't even want your dick.

[688] You just get a little stiffy.

[689] That doesn't sound fun.

[690] But that's how dumb the arguments are, man. Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're learning the difference in connotative value and denotator value.

[691] Our Shafair, educated to the masses, giving you knowledge.

[692] Where's the laptop?

[693] It'd be easier to read off the laptop.

[694] Go to Twitter up.

[695] It's fucking your feet up.

[696] Your internet.

[697] It's so weak.

[698] But that will be fixed tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen.

[699] We're going to do this every week.

[700] We're going to start taking some questions now.

[701] Just Twitter feeds coming too fucking fast.

[702] It's crazy when your Twitter feeds going faster than a chat room usually does, you know?

[703] What are the big news stories?

[704] Is that Lenny Bruce on the wall?

[705] No, that's a picture of me from my first CD.

[706] This dude made it with snake blood.

[707] Some crazy dude sent it to me. He makes paintings with snake blood.

[708] And I lost that dude's email.

[709] if he gets to see this the dude who makes paintings with snake blood thank you very much for the picture it's pretty fucking dope and it's up there these questions are so hard it's hard to read this shit man what's going on the news right now the Nexus phones coming out no no terrorism Brian fucking they don't use those kind of phones Joe these people don't use those phones no the terrorist people oh okay I don't know what you're saying god damn this is impossible to read I'm way too high to be in this moving shit.

[710] Any updates on Hardy?

[711] This keeps moving.

[712] What are we going to jump?

[713] What are you going to put a hospital for?

[714] There's so many rumors floating around.

[715] I heard.

[716] There's a report, but this doesn't say why?

[717] Yeah, I haven't heard anything official.

[718] No. I've heard some crazy shit.

[719] Like what?

[720] Drinking bleach, stabbing himself in the stomach.

[721] Fucking, I hope that's not real.

[722] Fingering his asshole.

[723] What?

[724] Don't make that up.

[725] Did you hear that?

[726] Not the fingering an asshole, of course.

[727] That's all I. No one heard overdosing?

[728] What?

[729] No one heard overdosing?

[730] I think that's just obvious I think that's just obvious But I heard drinking bleach Like he tried to drink bleach Like suicide God that's so scared Come to a hospital Just to get a checkup And then it's open Blown It's fucking up Yeah I didn't Did you hear the Howard Stern show this week No I haven't heard it at all It's probably like old news Everyone probably knows what's happening He's probably fine Did you hear about Tiger Woods I just love saying that I don't even have any news Did you hear about the new thing with the whiskey or the bottles of vodka and Red Bull and the three hot chicks came up to his room?

[731] He shook a little bit of pussy?

[732] Maybe.

[733] He ordered 20 bottles of vodka.

[734] 20?

[735] Yeah, in a case of Red Bull.

[736] I had three really hot chicks up in his room.

[737] That's how he celebrated New Year's.

[738] This year?

[739] Yes.

[740] This year?

[741] Yes.

[742] This year?

[743] Yes.

[744] There's also a porn video being shot around.

[745] How do you know that?

[746] Where did that come from?

[747] It was in the news.

[748] That he was celebrating.

[749] That's how he celebrated New Year's.

[750] TMZ apparently was there.

[751] He didn't just say, like, I thought he hadn't left his house.

[752] I think he just said, fuck it, you know.

[753] This year?

[754] I could see in the packs.

[755] This year?

[756] I think he just said, fuck it.

[757] I'm tired of this bullshit.

[758] I'm just going to live.

[759] I'm going to live my life.

[760] Honestly, if he just answered a question for like six months, it'd be over.

[761] Yeah, like to fuck people.

[762] Who's out there?

[763] Not only that.

[764] Like, he has so much money that he doesn't have to work ever again.

[765] keep working though he can keep playing golf right he can totally play golf but he doesn't need the endorsements to crush people yeah and how he'll get the endorsements back he'll get different endorsements you don't think somebody's gonna sponsor who's winning these tournaments yeah who they keep showing on Sunday most of the time yeah let's put our fucking logo on his bag it's a lot of money in that golf huh that's a businessman sport there's so much money in big golf yeah it's like no offense you get Jeff Ogilby as you're a man guy just doesn't carry as much weight Do you think people, like, go into golf thinking that you're going to make money off with, though?

[766] It's so hard.

[767] I think it's the same as any sport, basketball, well, any of the major sports, basketball, baseball, baseball, football, that you go into it going, like, I love playing.

[768] I want to, like, all -star.

[769] I want, like, all -a -calford.

[770] You know, I think I can go to a, I think I can go to a big division one school.

[771] In the back of your head, you're like, I want to play pro.

[772] Yeah.

[773] I'm sure.

[774] Right.

[775] But it's just that, you know, the hardest thing about becoming a professional at anything difficult, like golf or, you know, whatever, playing football or any sport is the, this.

[776] saying, okay, this is what I'm gonna do.

[777] Because you don't have a fucking backup plan if that's what you're gonna do.

[778] Oh, yeah, it's the, it's the scratcher.

[779] The guy who just makes ties get on a tour.

[780] It's got a Q school.

[781] Scratch off a fucking, you know, eighth place finish.

[782] I've done on a Best Buy tour for $8 ,000.

[783] You know, hopefully.

[784] Yeah.

[785] It's similar with fighters, too.

[786] I see some of them.

[787] I'm going to fight for 8 and 8.

[788] You fight three fights a year and getting 30 grand.

[789] Similar to just see the graphic.

[790] Oh, Brian's having little conversations all of his own.

[791] Someone said Winning is everything Cody Ness Okay Would you bang Tiger Woods' wife Right now I think no Because she'd be very vulnerable And I would feel bad about that But I would fuck the life out of it I didn't consider the vulnerable part I think You gotta think Poor girl You know She's having a hard time right now Do I have to rape her or just No she wants to fuck you She wants to fuck you She needs someone to hold her And then as she's holding you, you grab her ass and she says nothing.

[792] And then you just go for it.

[793] You just go for it.

[794] Yeah.

[795] But she doesn't really like grab your dick.

[796] You grab her hand and put her in your dick and she just goes with it.

[797] Does she get into it when she's doing that?

[798] Sort of a little bit, but she feels bad.

[799] So the whole time she looks.

[800] It sounds like a terrible light.

[801] I think I'd still go for it.

[802] You still go for it?

[803] I think I'd still like.

[804] And then after she died.

[805] I would be disappointed though.

[806] I'd be like, you know what?

[807] Yeah, that would be very disappointing.

[808] It wouldn't leave me the great feeling.

[809] Yeah, it wouldn't be the, it would be.

[810] If she got really into it.

[811] And she gave it, say, her B game.

[812] Yeah.

[813] Just a BV plus game.

[814] I think I'd be super pleased.

[815] So much more important to have a chick that's really into it.

[816] It's so important.

[817] Yeah.

[818] A hot chick that's not into it.

[819] But there's some point, there's a point of diminishing returns.

[820] Right.

[821] You know?

[822] Like a super hot chick who just lays there is way bad.

[823] That's not as good as a one step down.

[824] It goes crazy.

[825] But it is better than it steps down.

[826] Like at a certain point, at a certain weight.

[827] certain smell it's like okay okay I'll take the hot the chick that doesn't move but the into it gives you like quarter credit hotness gives you full credit so here's the thing that gets me is those those robot things those are those those dolls those are those real dolls would you fuck one of those because I don't think I would fuck one of those I fuck one I fucked pillows before I would definitely fuck on those but I'm saying I wouldn't invest a lot of money I would rather jerk off than fuck that thing I'd try it out I mean how could that possibly be good do you think that's good I don't know.

[828] I mean, sometimes lotion feels better than not lotion.

[829] Yeah, but it feels weird.

[830] It's still in business.

[831] There's one thing to fantasize and masturbate.

[832] There's another thing to fuck a rubber dog.

[833] I think it's the same thing.

[834] That's a totally different level.

[835] I think it's the same thing.

[836] I think if it feels right, just like extension of that's 3D versus 2D.

[837] Same shit.

[838] Just gives you more texture.

[839] True, but it's a thing.

[840] It's not your imagination with auto manipulation.

[841] It's a thing.

[842] It's a thing.

[843] It's all being off.

[844] I guess it's a thing.

[845] You're fucking a rubber thing.

[846] Yeah.

[847] And if it feels good, and as you're, like, closing your eyes and doing like this, if you can feel something that feels like skin, you're like, oh, it's even better.

[848] Here's my point.

[849] It seems much more humiliating.

[850] If someone catches you...

[851] Okay, what the fuck?

[852] If someone catches you fucking a rubber doll, you feel like shit.

[853] I think you're supposed to feel like shit.

[854] If someone catches you, that would be worse.

[855] Well, that's because I think you're supposed to feel like shit for doing that.

[856] That's a fucking creepy thing you're doing.

[857] You're fucking a rubber doll, you weirdo.

[858] You should just jerk off.

[859] Oh, powerful gum.

[860] Now we're going to make chewing noises.

[861] This is the chewing.

[862] knows this portion of the program.

[863] All right, ladies gentlemen.

[864] This guy says about Real Dolls.

[865] Dave Brunfield says they look awesome.

[866] Talking, taking them to dinner is awkward though.

[867] Did you ever see that movie, Lars, and the Real Doll?

[868] No, that's what.

[869] This guy's ridiculous.

[870] You know, if you were somebody that never got laid, like, ever...

[871] By the way, did you guys watch that conveyor of love, that show?

[872] No. Oh, that's great.

[873] What is that?

[874] It's a new reality show Where like four hot chicks Just have a conveyor belt in front of them And they just send guys down The guy has like 20 seconds to impress them Or they just go get out of here And he gives off on the conveyor belt And then at the end of like a hundred guys Then they take him on a date And so then like there was one It sounds demeaning Yeah there's one chick's like Oh I just want that guy I want to do him so bad It was like a guy with no shirt on And a puppy And then the next person would be like a stand -up comic Like do you like five?

[875] and he had like a fireball coming out.

[876] What's this on?

[877] It was right after the Bachelor.

[878] Whatever's The Bachelor, it was right after the Bachelor.

[879] Is that ABC?

[880] ABC?

[881] I said what do they choose like four out of ten?

[882] Like, well, yes, no, no, yes.

[883] It's called conveyor of love, I think.

[884] And then all the people they choose, they go on dates with them later.

[885] Yeah, and then the dates were awful.

[886] Like, this one guy was like crazy.

[887] Oh, you guys got to download it.

[888] How incredible is that?

[889] This one chick got stuck with this fat guy that had like really ugly hair by mistake, because it's a game.

[890] steal other people.

[891] Oh, no. If there's two girls that want the guy, then the guy has to decide between the two girls.

[892] And they're just blunt.

[893] This might be the greatest show of all time.

[894] Oh, it's great.

[895] It's so bad.

[896] It's just like, let's see how much more we can let people demean themselves.

[897] Right.

[898] Do you remember that show?

[899] Temptation Island.

[900] Do you remember that?

[901] That shit was hilarious.

[902] That was good, too.

[903] How crazy was that?

[904] They would take these fucking checks and tell them to try to get these guys to cheat and film everything they did, and people would still cheat.

[905] And they would fuck the girls?

[906] Yes!

[907] So, it's...

[908] There was a girl who worked for Fear Factor that was one of the girls.

[909] They're just prostitutes.

[910] Yeah, basically.

[911] I mean, I mean, they're...

[912] It's not on an American soil.

[913] They have to be attracted to the...

[914] I don't know.

[915] It's not an American soil.

[916] They're not paying them to fuck them.

[917] They're paying them to flirt, but...

[918] The interview processes with stealing sluts.

[919] With whatever happens.

[920] If something happens...

[921] Did any girl, like, feel like...

[922] As kissing was like, okay, stop.

[923] I don't know.

[924] It's a good question.

[925] I don't remember watching it.

[926] I think that.

[927] I'd be highly discouraged.

[928] I just remember Mrs. Rogan being so upset at it.

[929] Really?

[930] Mrs. Rogan did not like it.

[931] She was like, God, that's a terrible show.

[932] So, Bean.

[933] Those weak motherfuckers, they got the weakest, dumbest.

[934] And it's like, they know that big film, but eventually, like, fuck it.

[935] Poor fools.

[936] Just wrecked their lives on TV.

[937] Cheaters is so fake, by the way.

[938] Did you know that?

[939] Cheaters is fake.

[940] But not always, because you got stabbed for real.

[941] No, look at the stab video now.

[942] Look at it now.

[943] It's like watching it.

[944] ET now and you know you see how fake it is if you watch the stabbing video of cheaters now our brains have gotten past that and now it's so fake looking like he's like this he's like this he's like oh oh and no one's like helping him out and he's just like there's four people just filming him and stuff and he's just sitting there oh oh I do remember he says don't stop filming yeah dude it it looks like watching ET now really yeah you're just like that's a fake alien it's what we're gonna google that right now and this is the beauty of the internet bitches.

[945] And you turn it off to we watch with them?

[946] No. Joey Greco from Cheaters gets stabbed.

[947] It's the stabbing.

[948] Now I want you guys to look at it like All right, is that real?

[949] No. Would this really happen?

[950] Do the one above it.

[951] Is that the one?

[952] Oh wait.

[953] This one?

[954] Cheaters get even.

[955] Oh yeah, yeah.

[956] Yeah.

[957] Cheaters get even is what it is when you look it up on YouTube.

[958] See how slow my internet is?

[959] So whack.

[960] I'm wearing a wute shirt.

[961] Are you?

[962] I'm wearing Triumph United.

[963] That was probably staged.

[964] First comment on YouTube, the dude says, that was probably staged.

[965] All right, let's see that shit.

[966] We're watching it right now, ladies and gentlemen, this is like when we're watching two girls, one cup, except the shit is live over the internet right now.

[967] We're about to watch Joey Greco from Cheaters get stabbed.

[968] I love the one comment says, I hope Joey is going to be okay.

[969] This happened four years ago.

[970] The comments from three days ago.

[971] I hope Joey's going to be okay And you know what's even creepy about that?

[972] I think it's real.

[973] I want to find her stuff later.

[974] I bet it's real.

[975] Yeah, let's go read her posts.

[976] By the way, when you get your internet hooked up, we'll be able to show them what we're watching.

[977] Just can't do it right now.

[978] That will be hooked up.

[979] Next week.

[980] Well, no, it'll be hooked up tomorrow.

[981] Yeah, but next week's episode.

[982] We're going to do this every week, folks.

[983] All right, here's the cheaters thing.

[984] Let's watch it from the beginning.

[985] I wasn't really paying attention.

[986] By the way, it's beautifully filmed.

[987] Okay.

[988] Oh, some guy gets thrown into the water.

[989] Somebody's been stabbed, by the way.

[990] Right.

[991] Hold on, hold on.

[992] Don't say, no. I'll watch him.

[993] Help him out.

[994] He's just been stabbed.

[995] Well, you've got to think, though, that if he did get stabbed, the guy's a failed actor, and he's going to ham it up even if he did get stabbed and if he hammed it up if you were stabbed I wouldn't be holding a camera and stuff I'd be like alright don't explain I'm sure this is available we can find this out online okay Joey Greco is that his name is that's it stay as constant as possible okay I gotta be honest with me it looks pretty funny okay and there's another part if I had a gas Joe there's another part in the video where they got the guy it stabbed him.

[996] Ooh, right here.

[997] Cheaters host Joey Greco stabbing was staged says paid actor.

[998] Look at that.

[999] And this just came out in November.

[1000] So this is a recent finding.

[1001] So they're recently finding out that whole thing was staged.

[1002] Dude, I told you.

[1003] Oh, my man, I called it.

[1004] Dude, my brain has gotten past the part where I could just tell.

[1005] Cheaters has been on the air for nine years now documenting scorn lovers confronting their cheating partners in the act with a camera crew in tow.

[1006] It's like an episode of Jerry Springer filled blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah inside edition reports today the stabbing was faked and as was a relationship shown on at least one episode.

[1007] Go to the Inside Edition website.

[1008] I'm always a little weirded out by reality blurred websites if those are just made up or not.

[1009] That's a good point.

[1010] It might be just inside edition .com.

[1011] It might not even be the store right?

[1012] Insideadition .com My internet's so weak.

[1013] Wow.

[1014] There's another part where they have the guy that stabbed them in a chokehold.

[1015] If you're in a chokehold, wouldn't you just, his hand's just like this, look, wouldn't you be like trying to punch the guy in the face that has you in the chokehold or trying to undo the chokehold?

[1016] His arms like this and the guy has him in a chokehold and his arms just to his side.

[1017] You know?

[1018] Not doing anything.

[1019] Yeah, this ain't shit.

[1020] Okay.

[1021] Investigates Cheaters, is it all a hoax.

[1022] Each week, millions of viewers, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1023] Every episode, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1024] Bobby Goldstein, is the show's owner executive producer is adamant that every episode is real.

[1025] Bobby Goldstein, you're so full of shit.

[1026] Bobby Goldstein, you're a fucking liar, dude.

[1027] Bobby Goldstein, the show's owner and executive producer, is adamant that every episode is real.

[1028] Yes, you're showing real people.

[1029] Those are real people.

[1030] They're not holograms.

[1031] They're not cartoons.

[1032] But they're acting, motherfucker.

[1033] Come on, man. There's some re -shot scenes left and right on that show.

[1034] It's obvious.

[1035] Now the popular enough.

[1036] Shut the fuck up, whore.

[1037] I was going to say.

[1038] Fuck is she talking.

[1039] That's the Inside Edition, Brad.

[1040] It's probably she's going to say what it's printed here.

[1041] That's a goddamn lie.

[1042] Let that load up and I'll say what she has to say.

[1043] Are you taking my mom's internet, Joe?

[1044] No, I did.

[1045] This is just like it.

[1046] While it's run on the website, boss one on the webcam, I've got no juice.

[1047] I got nothing.

[1048] The whole thing was fabricated.

[1049] Correct, says Wyatt.

[1050] All right, so it's not real at all.

[1051] Says Carrie Wyatt, who tells Inside Edition, She was paid $500 to appear in an episode of Cheaters.

[1052] She said she was asked to pretend that she was having a tort affair with one guy while she was engaged to another.

[1053] Huh.

[1054] Well, that's a different story, though.

[1055] That's not the stab.

[1056] But they're saying against what that guy said, every episode's real.

[1057] They're just breaking that, what he's saying is fake.

[1058] Oh, you, hold on.

[1059] Inside Edition, your website sucks.

[1060] Is this really an episode of your website?

[1061] Yes, look, you have to hit on this little, put your cursor over this arrow to get your text to scroll down.

[1062] I hate that.

[1063] This is a link you follow from the other guy's website.

[1064] I wonder if this is all fake.

[1065] Dude, look at it.

[1066] No, this is Inside Edition.

[1067] Inside Edition is the worst website ever.

[1068] Look, it's Flash -based.

[1069] You have to hold your cursor over that.

[1070] I fucking hate Flash.

[1071] I'm done with Flash.

[1072] This is the weakest thing I've ever seen.

[1073] Oh, you can't take it and scroll down?

[1074] No. You can't use your scorer.

[1075] You have to use their stupid thing, and you have to figure it out.

[1076] I thought that that was the whole article because it's actually cut off.

[1077] It doesn't even say more at the bottom.

[1078] Shame on you Inside Edition.

[1079] Your articles.

[1080] Your whole website sucks.

[1081] so we're going to move off of it bitch but I think I think I would have to go with that was a hoax totally and rewatch it sometime watch when he's getting choked and just watch his arm if you're getting choked you're not arms not just going to be like gently resting on your side hold on this fellow Johnny Bananas has a question and says what do you think about the suicide bomber that was a CIA double agent what the fuck is he talking about dude Kim Trails Jordan oh the guy who killed all the CIA people he was a double agent Is that what it was?

[1082] He was accrued by the Jordanians.

[1083] Jordanians, I think.

[1084] And he was a CIA agent as well.

[1085] Yeah, I don't know.

[1086] He killed a bunch of like really high -level guys.

[1087] Yeah, hey, guys?

[1088] Yeah.

[1089] Something like that.

[1090] These are like news stories.

[1091] He killed.

[1092] Yeah, so he was recruited by the CIA through the Jordanians.

[1093] And I'm like, no, the Jordanians never got him back or I don't know what the story was.

[1094] I'm so hot, I can't even type.

[1095] I'm Googling the CIA suicide bomber.

[1096] news ticker.

[1097] This is some crazy shit, ladies and gentlemen.

[1098] In the meantime, look at this guys.

[1099] That's marijuana, soda pop.

[1100] Root buzz.

[1101] It's I don't like it.

[1102] I don't like the feeling.

[1103] It's one of those almost like narcotic feelings.

[1104] Really?

[1105] Like you have one of the sodas?

[1106] I don't like edibles as much anymore.

[1107] Period.

[1108] Yeah, I don't feel like tripping.

[1109] I just want to get a little high and think about some shit.

[1110] I don't want to invest that much day yeah this is crazy shit there's a dude who's a CIA double agent he's the suicide bomber and he blew himself up and a bunch of so he was what's that mean double agent well he was working for the CIA pretending to be a CIA and also working for I guess Al Qaeda or the Taliban man or whoever the hell it is he sent him to blow everybody up but he was a CIA agent he was in so that's how it killed so many where was it where did it happen I don't know it's loading up I think it said Jordan crazy shit yeah I guess CIA operatives killed by double agent that's pretty intense shit man suicide bomber killed seven seven central intelligence agency operatives in Afghanistan last week was a Jordanian double agent who lured them into a meeting by promising information on al -Qaeda leaders, a former U .S. intelligence official said.

[1111] So he lured them in and just blew himself up.

[1112] He got them to come to him.

[1113] He's going to give them some information.

[1114] And then they're all in the room.

[1115] He just went, bam.

[1116] Obama had been arrested with a year ago by a Jordanian authorities who thought they had convinced him to work for them.

[1117] So the Jordanians thought they had gotten him to work for their Jordanians.

[1118] Wow.

[1119] They thought they convinced him to work.

[1120] Jordanian good guys.

[1121] Yeah, but how the fuck...

[1122] Well, supposedly.

[1123] You know, how the fuck did they talk him into doing that?

[1124] He only got arrested a year ago.

[1125] So they had him for a year?

[1126] He thought he would go out providing good intelligence.

[1127] God damn.

[1128] What a lokster that guy is, huh?

[1129] He gets friends with him, gets him all in the room, and then goes...

[1130] Dahr, boom!

[1131] And just does the whole thing.

[1132] Just fucking blows himself up.

[1133] How crazy is that?

[1134] Oh, this is Brian's new kitty.

[1135] You got to see this, folks.

[1136] Brian just got a new kitty cat.

[1137] Let me see this.

[1138] Fucking glare.

[1139] Can you see it?

[1140] Is it a short -haired Persian?

[1141] Is that what it is, Brian?

[1142] Yeah, exotic short -haired.

[1143] Where's the girl from?

[1144] There's too much glare from this.

[1145] Oh, you know, I'm stupid.

[1146] Let me...

[1147] Oh, yes.

[1148] Something that goes into my girlfriend's work as a breeder.

[1149] Yeah.

[1150] I said she had kittens.

[1151] And I was thinking just kittens.

[1152] And then she showed me it.

[1153] I was like, oh, my God, that's like a real cat.

[1154] I had to get it I suppose to what It's supposed to like a Tom cat Type thing We think He had such a good time With a 10 Last week A little cat over Should get him A friend Yeah Cats like having friends Man My cat is a friend Yeah To have friends It's cool when there's like Life all around you too When you're at home And you're anywhere you go There's something Like a creature's like Trying to create something Or do something That's what I feel living on sunset This man says Joey Greco Is not his real name Wow.

[1155] Well, that doesn't matter.

[1156] Well, that doesn't matter.

[1157] No, he's a lot of change his name.

[1158] He's like Carlos Wenzia.

[1159] He's fucking faking the fuck.

[1160] Ari Shafir?

[1161] How many times are people mispronounced your name?

[1162] Oh, I don't...

[1163] But that's your fucking name, son.

[1164] That's a part of who you are.

[1165] You can't change your name.

[1166] You should never change your name.

[1167] Arnold Schwarzenegger is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[1168] That's part of the flavor is he's got this fucked up name.

[1169] That's part of the thing.

[1170] It defines who you are.

[1171] Here's a thing about cheaters.

[1172] Start watching it and just notice how there's never really good There's never good punches.

[1173] When the boyfriends fight.

[1174] Bob Dylan.

[1175] People change their names all the time.

[1176] It's gag.

[1177] Bob Dylan was like Jewie Kikinstein.

[1178] I like it.

[1179] Julie Kikinstein.

[1180] See, Bob Dylan, he's a fucking self -hating Jew.

[1181] He could have been good if he had just.

[1182] If he just stuck with his name, what did you say it was?

[1183] Jewie Kikinstein.

[1184] If you stuck with Julie Kikinstein and just still rocked the house just that hard, maybe they would have said, you know what?

[1185] Look, Janice Joppa became famous She was fat and ugly as fuck.

[1186] She had a big, fat, stupid face.

[1187] Was that her real?

[1188] Was that her so good?

[1189] I don't know.

[1190] You know, like, I didn't even think about it.

[1191] I didn't think.

[1192] I'm totally off the track.

[1193] I'm not even making sense.

[1194] I mean, I'm not even going to the heart of the argument, which is her fucking name and tell.

[1195] You're like, you know who else is cool?

[1196] I'm like, she didn't wear makeup.

[1197] And I buy, like, Nissan.

[1198] Talk about circuitous arguing.

[1199] That's like the chem trail, crop trails argument.

[1200] Just tell you something else.

[1201] And you're like, okay.

[1202] Okay, I guess that's right.

[1203] Man, I watched a documentary last night on ancient aliens on the history channel.

[1204] I ordered on DVD because Eddie Bravo is just always constantly talking about aliens.

[1205] Ancient aliens?

[1206] There comes a certain point in time where someone is so obsessed with aliens, you run the risk of...

[1207] Why don't you marry an alien?

[1208] Yeah, you run the risk of not wanting to even consider aliens anymore.

[1209] It's not like, it's not real, it's not possible.

[1210] But it's so possible.

[1211] It's possible.

[1212] You know what's more possible when you watch these videos?

[1213] these ancient alien videos where they talk about these ancient structures and you know what what technology put these together I think if you just look around at the evidence there's not that much evidence that aliens have landed but there's a lot of evidence that life on this planet has been fucking seriously jacked at least three or four times like big ones that we know about like mass extinctions you know that's just mass extinctions is the call coming from inside the house Jeff Sussman management this is my manager they don't even know that I'm fucking on a podcast I would think that Jeff Suspman management would be aware of my podcasting from 3 to 5 on Ustream today It started at 3 .30 Shandra well that's the best way we're all going to become one on Twitter I'm on the podcast I'll call you later bye that was my manager Shandra a very nice lady she's on the Twitter she said that's how she finds out my schedule I don't even talk to my manager You're just Twitter Real fun I talk to them occasionally Sometimes I'm elusive What's up Brian Stown A little bit huh Let's get Take some questions from the field Ladies and gentlemen What am I going to educate Dana and Zufa on copyright Well I am I am a retard I'm not educating anybody on anything But Copyright Yeah Copyright law I think is The UFC is threatening to sue all these people that take illegal downloads of the UFC.

[1214] Oh, that's threatening.

[1215] Yeah.

[1216] Yeah, they're just going to their spaces.

[1217] Well, they're talking about putting people in jail.

[1218] Yeah, and the threat of that is enough to get those people to stop.

[1219] They're going to make some examples and stuff.

[1220] They're going to throw some people in jail.

[1221] That's what the L .A. guy said about pot stores, the L .A. sheriff, whatever.

[1222] They're like, you're going to shut down all 900.

[1223] It goes, won't have to.

[1224] Shut down a few.

[1225] Don't close.

[1226] Yeah.

[1227] He's right, too.

[1228] Yeah.

[1229] He's going to risk going to jail.

[1230] just going down the block.

[1231] No one's going to risk.

[1232] There was a dude that was in Eddie's school that was selling.

[1233] He was all licensed and legal and everything like that, but he decided it was too risky.

[1234] It is.

[1235] And it's like, you think it's like, no, Obama won't, eh.

[1236] It's not, you never know.

[1237] There's a lot of people deciding how to interpret them long.

[1238] You know, the interesting thing is, it's moving along.

[1239] There's on Tuesday the 12th, there's some vote in California.

[1240] It's on the message board where they're talking about trying to vote to move towards legalizing it.

[1241] I'm not a registered voter You got to participate in a fake game After Obama I swear to God I thought before Obama was in office I was like you know what This is going to be very different We have a black guy He's a liberal I'm like the very least It'll be good for the consciousness To the country They'll have a leader They'll have someone to look up to That's more peaceful And has their shit together more Can speak better And it's black And it's been through a rough childhood And everything shit they'll do.

[1242] He's doing the same exact shit.

[1243] It's almost like they have all these ideas and they get into office.

[1244] They realize it's not as easy to make it happen.

[1245] But it's not just not easy.

[1246] He has to go along with things like sending the troops to Afghanistan.

[1247] Sending his extra 30 ,000.

[1248] Yeah.

[1249] At certain points, he realized what choice do I have?

[1250] I can't just pull everybody out and make it a huge vacuum and just have to destroy itself.

[1251] That's true.

[1252] We can't just leave.

[1253] Yeah, I guess.

[1254] And then he realized I can make this problem.

[1255] It's way past the year.

[1256] Fuck.

[1257] You know?

[1258] Well, not way past, but there's sending more troops.

[1259] But they talk about how it's, it would become a hotbed for terrorists if we left.

[1260] It's a hotbed now.

[1261] That whole Middle East just mad at us.

[1262] That whole Middle East is mad at us.

[1263] And it's like now, it's like once you start bullying someone and you start pushing them, once they go down, you've got to keep pushing them.

[1264] You know, that's what's going on right now.

[1265] You've got to keep them down.

[1266] No, fuck you, you've got to keep them down.

[1267] Because if they rise up and they over get something to eat and they take a nap and they come back refreshed, they're going to punch you in a fucking face.

[1268] You know, you're going to walk out of a restaurant.

[1269] That guy's going to go right there.

[1270] Hey, I want to talk about what we had to talk about earlier.

[1271] Here, this thing at NPR, the people that have been released now and sent to Yemen.

[1272] Yeah.

[1273] And they're worried about them, you know, reintegrating.

[1274] Of course.

[1275] The problem is no one will give them jobs there because they're like, ugh, whatever, and they're getting, becoming disillusioned and leaning on people like Akkad and saying, well, they'll help me. It's like there's newly being recruited.

[1276] Like, maybe they were wrongly accused before, but it's like...

[1277] So it's like their life is such shit.

[1278] Yeah, no one gets a job to the fuck in the right direction.

[1279] They don't.

[1280] They just become angry.

[1281] Well, because, like, I can't get a job and fucking waste it eight years in my life, what we're supposed to do when someone else is offering you jobs and telling you all this stuff it sounds right what a shit place to live could you fucking imagine could you imagine how lucky you are that you were born in the middle of a war I bet in a place like that symptoms only comes on like once a day instead of twice what must it like to be pregnant to be a pregnant woman living in Afghanistan how crazy must that be the feeling of vulnerability the constant stress and shaking I mean, that would be just absolutely horrible.

[1282] Morning sickness.

[1283] What?

[1284] Tuesday, January 12th, members of California, that's what they always do, dude.

[1285] California Assembly will hold a historic vote on statewide marijuana policy.

[1286] Members of the Public Safety Committee will decide on Assembly Bill 390, the Marijuana Control, Regulation, and Education Act, which seeks to regulate and control the production, distribution and personal use of marijuana for adults age 20 year older all these things are just wide open so it's really open to interpretation you know no cash sales no it's like what house is being and then they really want to narrow it down now to say what's legal what's not legal and if they did open it up legally statewide it wouldn't be much different it's very easy to get a recommendation the recommendation's not the problem the taxes were selling the pot well there's always going to be that's where they're going to shut down not people not doctors giving up yeah but with these guys what they're saying is they're trying to legalize it.

[1287] This is not about medical.

[1288] This is about legalization of personal use.

[1289] This is a totally different situation.

[1290] They're talking about taxing it and trying to make money out of it.

[1291] It seems to regulate and control the production, distribution, and person who's marriage.

[1292] Yeah.

[1293] It's not medical.

[1294] They're not talking about medical marijuana.

[1295] Federally, medical marijuana doesn't exist.

[1296] And that's what fucks you.

[1297] That's what happened to Todd McCormick when he got arrested.

[1298] He got to court and in court, they told him that you can't even use the term medical marijuana.

[1299] How wacky is that?

[1300] You can't even say it.

[1301] You can't even say, were you selling marijuana?

[1302] And you go, yes, I was selling marijuana under, you know, the assumption that, you know, it was legal because proposition 250, they don't want to hear a fucking word of that.

[1303] They go, shut the fuck up.

[1304] Were you selling marijuana?

[1305] You were?

[1306] Good.

[1307] What is this?

[1308] Look at his face.

[1309] Who is this guy?

[1310] Brody Stevens.

[1311] That's Brody?

[1312] Isn't it?

[1313] No. Oh, no, never mind.

[1314] Bordom?

[1315] Bordom strikes.

[1316] What are you blind?

[1317] I am blind.

[1318] No, I can't.

[1319] Let it co -host.

[1320] No, I don't want to let this guy.

[1321] Co -host.

[1322] I don't think my internet can handle it.

[1323] How do you just, somebody can I get on that?

[1324] Well, now we know.

[1325] Now we know that you can try to call us.

[1326] The problem is if you have somebody that's going to want to, you're like, oh, yeah, sure.

[1327] Come sit in with it.

[1328] Like, it's like, but the problem is you can have a million people who are requesting it.

[1329] Oh, then that would go crazy.

[1330] You need a direct line.

[1331] I think eventually everyone's going to have their own reality show.

[1332] That's my vision of the apocalypse.

[1333] Is it we all have a channel?

[1334] We'll all have a channel.

[1335] We'll all have a channel.

[1336] I mean, basically, that's what we're doing right now.

[1337] Well, once you get the internet, you could have up to six co -hosts where anyone could have their, I think, have their face on the side, and you could just mute them.

[1338] But if you want to ask them a question, you can join them in on the conversation.

[1339] Oh, I like.

[1340] But we're waiting on your internet.

[1341] Oh, shit.

[1342] So we could have like an interview Like mayhem and stuff like that would be beautiful We could have a bunch of people in it We have a bunch of windows And they could all open up the different windows Right And they could be watching all the same time We could move it like like Hollywood squares Right We go to go to Wuppie Goldberg Right Whoppy And we got to put desktop like overlaid on this camp We want to see if you could show things Things are getting crazy Pretty cool right I just think about 10 years ago You couldn't even do something like this Yeah There was nothing.

[1343] There was no Twitter.

[1344] The webcam shows were just blurry pictures of fucked up girls showing you their pussy, and you had to be in their membership to get that, right?

[1345] Slow.

[1346] Those bitches went out of business with the internet.

[1347] They blossomed those cam girls, but then that shit just rotted on the vine.

[1348] I miss that, though.

[1349] Because you remember when you used to have that one cam girl, and it would be like a whole group of people that were all just like, look at this, she's going to, you know.

[1350] Well, you know who's really cool is that crazy Amber chick.

[1351] She was really cool.

[1352] It was just a sex tease.

[1353] It was a modern day, like, you know.

[1354] Well, this chick would do real porn.

[1355] Really?

[1356] Her and her boyfriend would do porn and put them on the internet.

[1357] She didn't give a fuck.

[1358] I followed this one where it was a girl that just had her camera on 24 hours a day and was just her and her husband living in New York.

[1359] But they would have fucking straight on.

[1360] When they had sex, they would have sex right on the camera.

[1361] But other than that, it was just them living their life 24 hours a day.

[1362] Holy shit.

[1363] And now she got to stop that.

[1364] And now she's a successful author, and she's trying to erase her past.

[1365] You know, so no one knows that.

[1366] Oh, really?

[1367] Did anybody save the video of her and her husband fucking?

[1368] I don't know, but Google Cash is Wonders.

[1369] And I'm not going to say her name now because...

[1370] Would you say Cash Wonders?

[1371] Google Cash?

[1372] Google Cash?

[1373] If you go to Google and type in Internet history, there's a thing that comes up called a Wayback Machine.

[1374] You can type in your website and see what it looked like back in, like, 1985.

[1375] Isn't that incredible?

[1376] Yeah.

[1377] Google is fucking...

[1378] We were just talking about this.

[1379] me and my tech friend that wires my house, he was like, Google is like, they have so much power.

[1380] It's almost like, if Google were evil, like, we wouldn't even see them coming, and they document everything.

[1381] You know, like, if there's an artificial intelligence out there, it's Google.

[1382] You know, Google is a weird company, man. I mean, they're so powerful.

[1383] They do my...

[1384] Terminator.

[1385] They do mail.

[1386] They do searching.

[1387] They do your fucking maps.

[1388] They do what your house looks like from space.

[1389] I think longitude is the scariest one, the one where it just tracks where you are throughout the whole day so you could look at it and see like, oh, I was here, here, the whole day, and it records that information, puts it in some kind of database to see where people are going, you know.

[1390] That's fucking crazy.

[1391] That you would ever sign up for that, too.

[1392] It's fucking crazy, man. The whole Google thing, but, you know, they seem like a nice company.

[1393] And that's why, by the way, that's why GPS on the Google phone is kind of scary because if you use Google, what is Google doing with that information?

[1394] Because there's a way for them to use that information if you're using your G -Maps, you know, whatever.

[1395] Talk about where people are going and when they're going.

[1396] Right.

[1397] It's, yeah.

[1398] My theory is - You're running it through Google now.

[1399] You're running GPS through Google.

[1400] I'm okay with that.

[1401] You know what's really cute, though?

[1402] What if they were evil and they decided, well, let's just have a lovable name like Google.

[1403] Right.

[1404] Colorful.

[1405] We work really hard on our image, worked really hard on being green and ecological.

[1406] conscious and we really pay our employees well.

[1407] They're all swell, but they're just ruthless monsters.

[1408] What if it's the government?

[1409] What if it is the government?

[1410] That's like Area 57 branch.

[1411] No shit.

[1412] What if they like developed?

[1413] They figured that way...

[1414] Pleads are not boycott, Google, because of these idiots.

[1415] What if they sat down?

[1416] What have they sat down and looked at the trends that humanity is participating in?

[1417] Look where things are going technologically and said, you know what?

[1418] And they got the best scientists on it.

[1419] And they said, this is where we think things are going.

[1420] We think things are going to an online -based email service so you can access it from multiple ports.

[1421] We think things are going to, and they just started listing all these things in Google's after we go.

[1422] What if it's people from the future making sure we're going along the right path?

[1423] What if Mr. G's was trying to save us the whole time?

[1424] And he was just like this butler trying to be our friend.

[1425] And we was like, fuck you, Mr. Gis.

[1426] Bitch.

[1427] You don't say it.

[1428] I'm going out of goodness.

[1429] I don't want to ask you to something.

[1430] Because how come up is not more goddamn.

[1431] I have answers.

[1432] You, anyone?

[1433] How many hits this ass Jeeves get a day?

[1434] I don't know, but remember web crawler?

[1435] Remember web crawler?

[1436] No, I don't know.

[1437] That used to be like a pre -Gole.

[1438] It was like back in the day, web crawler.

[1439] I kind of remember that now.

[1440] Barely.

[1441] I remember, I remember realizing that I didn't have to get online through AOL.

[1442] That was a great day, wasn't it?

[1443] Yeah, I was like, what, there's another thing?

[1444] I was like, oh, my God, but that's like space.

[1445] That's like the wilderness.

[1446] Right.

[1447] I'm going to take a browser, and I'm going on my own.

[1448] how do I get my email now?

[1449] I have to write all that shit up to a program and they get it from the wow, that was crazy.

[1450] Remember when you first figured out you didn't have to use Internet Explorer?

[1451] I can use Firefox?

[1452] Yeah, no, something else.

[1453] NetScape?

[1454] Yeah.

[1455] Just went under.

[1456] A few months ago, they finally closed up.

[1457] Isn't it crazy?

[1458] Once on top of the world, once huge, now irrelevant and so quickly within a decade, gone.

[1459] You know, so much technology and so many things that were invented like CDs that just have this really short life like there's going to come a point in time and no one gives a fuck.

[1460] Flash drives hold a fuckload more and everything's gonna have a USB port shut up, you know?

[1461] It's like CDs are like really hot chicks that got old, you know?

[1462] Like now they have no power.

[1463] Poor Laserdisc.

[1464] Poor Laserdisc.

[1465] I miss my Laserdisc.

[1466] Dave Foley was a big Laserdisc fan.

[1467] He used to have, like even when Laserdist was dying he was buying up really good movies.

[1468] Me too.

[1469] Me too.

[1470] I got like Terminator Beauty and a Beast.

[1471] It can't be better visual quality than Blu -ray though It's not better than Blu -ray, but it was better than CD It's kind of like how records were better than CD But it's better than DVD Image -wise?

[1472] Yeah, yeah Sounds better too.

[1473] Blue -ray's so insane, man Blu -ray's so insane HD is so insane Anything in movies in HD now It's just getting so crazy This fucking Avatar man Wait until you see this shit like visually it's like whoa I didn't even see three months I know it said that they wouldn't go back in that world and live there fuck yeah that's what I said I said I want to fuck that that's the future though that we're going to have fucking masks or wires in our brains and we're like pick the avatar 19 2009 you'll be able to go places 2009 you'll be able to go places what do I think of coast to coast with Art Bell that's the greatest fucking radio show in the history of the universe man every now and then they get some land psychic on talking stupid shit but for the most part it's all people that knew Bigfoot and dudes who used to be werewolves but they got cured yeah and yeah by the way if you want to know more about what they were talking about go to ask Jeeves and enter Google conspiracies and the first link we'll tell you all about it oh there's a conspiracy site about it uh huh Google conspiracy why would I think that see this is the thing great minds think alike whoever you are out there thinks like us from November 22nd 2002 is it Yeah, that's hilarious.

[1474] We're so lame.

[1475] That was eight years ago.

[1476] They had their wheat and said to be wrong.

[1477] We're just going, man, you know, I believe what I figured out, bro.

[1478] If you fucking keep food cold, it lasts longer.

[1479] That's hilarious.

[1480] If you keep food out, it lasts longer.

[1481] That's green and fucking light growing on it.

[1482] Of course, that's good for you.

[1483] I said if you keep it cold, it lasts longer.

[1484] Oh.

[1485] That's kind of cold.

[1486] It's so dumb.

[1487] of course there had to be a million people people think there's a conspiracy and everything those the 9 -11 people man those are hard fucking conversations here's the conversation it's always like but maybe and the night just tune out maybe it doesn't mean anything well the problem is if it was really but maybe I'll have that conversation with you you know if you say maybe the government you know really arranged that building to be blown up maybe bears arranged it but but you know when someone says maybe but the problem is they don't say that they go maybe the government doesn't give a fuck about you and they plotted this and they're attached to that idea they don't know if it happened there's information and that makes everything they're not even saying it's like fucking do you believe that because you sound like you do quit saying maybe yeah I think they did this yeah but yeah I think they just know that that's a ridiculous argument it's too hard nobody knows what the fuck happened but the idea that it was some gigantic fucking conspiracy that thousands and thousands of people are in on I'm not sure that a few people didn't know that something was going to happen, but the idea that this many people had to be together and put what the fuck are you doing?

[1488] I don't know.

[1489] My phone just started playing music.

[1490] Your phone's gay as fuck, bro.

[1491] What song was it?

[1492] I'm not going to even say.

[1493] Was it?

[1494] Lily Allen?

[1495] Huh?

[1496] What was it?

[1497] Oh, that's what it was an alarm?

[1498] Was it alarm?

[1499] Yeah, yeah.

[1500] What was song was it?

[1501] No, I don't want to talk about.

[1502] Just tell me the song.

[1503] I didn't download it.

[1504] What, all right?

[1505] It was...

[1506] This is a funny...

[1507] What song was it?

[1508] Lady Gaga.

[1509] Oh, my God, that is embarrassing.

[1510] Did you hear Carl?

[1511] Carmen.

[1512] Do you like it?

[1513] No. Carrioking Lady Gaga is so funny.

[1514] Why did your girl put Lady Gaga on your fucking cell?

[1515] Because my phone connects to my cars.

[1516] When we're going to the car, it's kind of like our jukebox.

[1517] And so she throws music on my phone all the time.

[1518] My girlfriend put it on there.

[1519] It's a modern day.

[1520] I ran into a wall.

[1521] You know what happened?

[1522] Do you like Lady Gaga?

[1523] It's fine.

[1524] You like Lady Gaga.

[1525] Whatever.

[1526] I appreciate it because she actually knows how to play her instruments and she doesn't lip sing.

[1527] She's a real musician behind that.

[1528] Oh, there you go.

[1529] Lady Gaga.

[1530] Oh, my God.

[1531] All that hermaphrodite talk, it's just like, it's just more playing it up for the media.

[1532] Very interesting.

[1533] Very interesting how people bite into that.

[1534] That one song, though, gives me fucking brain cancer.

[1535] That thing.

[1536] Karen Hartman's thing that was so fucking funny.

[1537] That thing hurts my mind.

[1538] I didn't see that.

[1539] They did a montage to it later, too.

[1540] And you actually could hear the words when he says it.

[1541] So it's like, these are ridiculous.

[1542] There's never been a better TV show than South Park.

[1543] I love that.

[1544] Consistently irreverent, consistently brilliant.

[1545] It's so great.

[1546] They get away with shit that no one can get away with.

[1547] That whore off, when that gay dude stuff, Paris Hilton, his asshole.

[1548] That's the greatest moment of television history, as far as I'm concerned.

[1549] The fact that they even got away with that, the fact that they went there, when that's where you go if you're going to go crazy.

[1550] you want to go crazy that's where you go and then at the end he shoves her up his ass and wins the contest fuck man can we really put that on tv you know but because of these blocky cartoons they got away with it and because comedy central knows that they're monsters they're just unstoppable people want to watch them i don't think comedy central gets to tell them what to do at all i think well yeah i think there's a lot of that i think they're just like shut the fuck i think it's probably the fcc does not cover yeah cable it's just them saying we we figure the advertising might pull a but the average aren't deployed from South Park they brand themselves to this thing so everyone who goes knows okay it might be something like this they have movie success behind them too and that movie success those two big huge films those both films were giant successes I don't know if they were financially but like I think they were I think the Team America though that was one of my favorite movies ever and they hate they said that was the hardest movie ever they would never do that ever again because it's a really hard time consuming but man that was such a great movie fucking genius and I believe lead that it was really time -consuming but it was so goddamn good I got to see the puppets in real life even the silliness of it when they had this they released in the giant cats it's just kitty cats that are the same size of them and like just close up shots you're like ah!

[1551] The whole thing, just black kittens the beginning of it with the fucking terrorists when that's sexing was the funniest I'd ever see.

[1552] Before that was probably like the safe sex and make a gun when they're covered in rubber you know but it's like there's no funny stuff that was hilarious They're just boning, hardcore.

[1553] And did you see the unedited version when they dropped logs in each other?

[1554] Oh, I did not see that.

[1555] They pee -P's on it, too, right?

[1556] Yeah.

[1557] What's unedited?

[1558] That wasn't in the movie?

[1559] No, they cut it from the movie, otherwise it was going to do.

[1560] Wow.

[1561] Pee and pooper, no go.

[1562] How about when he threw up and never stopped throwing up?

[1563] Yeah, just kept on it covered an entire block.

[1564] It was so funny.

[1565] I remember crying, laughing when I see that.

[1566] I couldn't believe how fine it was.

[1567] I was like, I can't believe they pulled this off.

[1568] When they did that first South Park movie, And it was like, here we go.

[1569] And I was like, wait, they're singing, oh, my.

[1570] This is a shocking.

[1571] They did a musical?

[1572] They were waiting for a South Park movie this long, and they did a musical.

[1573] And I loved it.

[1574] Yeah, it was great.

[1575] And they did a great job of it.

[1576] How do you do a musical?

[1577] That was a genius show.

[1578] Blame Canada?

[1579] Yeah.

[1580] Come on.

[1581] How good was that?

[1582] How about all the Canadians with their heads pop off?

[1583] It just all looked different.

[1584] They just look completely weird and different.

[1585] Their heads look totally different.

[1586] Just the fact that we accept that as a head.

[1587] That's what a kid.

[1588] That's a talk.

[1589] You just a poo.

[1590] this round this thing that's not even connected and bobbled it up and that we accept that.

[1591] Okay, that's the head.

[1592] There's the head.

[1593] That shit's genius.

[1594] That show's so goddamn good.

[1595] Like I was looking at a cartoon the other day the one that you gave me. The Barney Rubble picture?

[1596] Barney Rubble doesn't have eyeballs.

[1597] No. That's crazy.

[1598] He's just black.

[1599] He's tripped out black pupils.

[1600] But everybody else on the show had eyeballs.

[1601] Because his pupils because his pupils.

[1602] Barney Rubble, no, he's all white.

[1603] He's all white.

[1604] He's got nothing.

[1605] I know.

[1606] Because they're a goddamn A zombie.

[1607] It's like he's on Furti Pebbles.

[1608] Yeah.

[1609] Burti Pebbles doesn't have it either?

[1610] What's that?

[1611] Our Fruty Pebbles doesn't have it?

[1612] No. I think, well, I don't know.

[1613] Maybe in Frutty Pebbles he has.

[1614] I didn't even know he was on Fuddy Pebbles.

[1615] I thought that it was Bam Bam.

[1616] It's all of Pell's, right?

[1617] I don't remember.

[1618] Oh, it's all of them on there?

[1619] I think so.

[1620] An awful expert in the Flintstones.

[1621] But it's just weird that you just get comfortable with the fact that his face looked like that.

[1622] It's like that this Avatar movie.

[1623] After an hour, I didn't care that that chick was blue.

[1624] and looked like a lizard, I still wanted to fuck her.

[1625] You were into it.

[1626] Yeah, man. I wanted to fuck her.

[1627] And if I lived with them, I would totally think she was hot.

[1628] But if I lived with them in the woods and shit, I would totally think she was hot.

[1629] I would totally want a fuck her.

[1630] You know?

[1631] It's like, it's subjective.

[1632] Um.

[1633] But if she, like, made a sound other than English, I wouldn't want a fuck her.

[1634] Like if she meowed?

[1635] Yeah, I'd love it.

[1636] As long as I can love it.

[1637] Remember, uh, the show V, the old show V or whatever?

[1638] and they started I never watched that show which stuff The V show I like the old B I would not watch the new V I would not watch the new V This guy wants to know This DA 78 fella He wants to know who do you think is better in bed Oprah or Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton You think so?

[1639] I'd say Hillary Clinton Because I don't have a pussy Oprah Winfrey is a fucking huge lesbo You think so?

[1640] Really?

[1641] Her and their friend Seems like more of a one Who things like seem like more of a one Hiller Clinton More of a lesbian She seems like more She made a human But she had sex and made a human Yeah So she knows She's at least accepted dick Right And you have no idea about Oprah We have no idea Yeah That's Stedman guy If there was ever a man That looked like a beard Yeah That's that gentleman That poor fuck Dude I bet if you Google Oprah went free gay It's like when gay guys Marry old ladies Yeah New conspiracy theory Oprah is good I can see it happen Totally That's why Ellen wanted to be on the cover with her?

[1642] Well, she's super powerful, man. Maybe she's so powerful that the testosterone that she has from having like a billion dollars the surge of power that she has, maybe it just made her, just want to dominate some bitches.

[1643] Maybe she doesn't even maybe Oprah only gets them to eat her pussy.

[1644] Oh, yeah.

[1645] You're probably trying, girl.

[1646] Can me grow up.

[1647] She holds her hair.

[1648] She doesn't have to do shit.

[1649] She doesn't have to do shit.

[1650] Oprah doesn't do shit.

[1651] Oprah's worth a billion dollars and she hangs out with these broke bitches.

[1652] That's what it is.

[1653] Oprah's, do you know how much a billion?

[1654] That's a thousand million.

[1655] That's incredible money.

[1656] That's an insane amount of money.

[1657] She's so rich.

[1658] You couldn't spend that.

[1659] You would have to go nutty if you wanted to spend that.

[1660] She's probably worth more than a billion.

[1661] She's probably worth several billion, right?

[1662] Oprah fucking Winfrey.

[1663] She just keeps coming out with new stuff.

[1664] No one's ever been more successful than Oprah Winfrey.

[1665] Like for daytime TV?

[1666] It's not even close.

[1667] I'm not the old Oprah.

[1668] I still remember that.

[1669] Old school Oprah.

[1670] What's a question?

[1671] I love this question.

[1672] What's that?

[1673] Read it like how he writes it or she writes it.

[1674] This guy?

[1675] Yo, what's your ethnicity?

[1676] Were you born into religion?

[1677] He says, yo, what's your ethnicity?

[1678] Will you board into a religion?

[1679] That's not a bad question if you're an 18.

[1680] I just like how you wrote.

[1681] What's you born into a religion?

[1682] Ashley Brio.

[1683] Is that his name?

[1684] Ashley Brio.

[1685] Oh, so this is what Twitter does.

[1686] It doesn't actually scroll.

[1687] It just bumps.

[1688] Right.

[1689] but you know when new people are leaving it.

[1690] Oh, it does scroll.

[1691] It does scroll.

[1692] A little bit, but it's really far.

[1693] It's slow.

[1694] Slow, yeah.

[1695] So what do they have to do?

[1696] They have to put hashtags on it?

[1697] And you follow the hashtags?

[1698] I don't know.

[1699] I don't know why it's doing that.

[1700] That's what I was looking at earlier.

[1701] They're putting the hashtags on it.

[1702] Is that what it is?

[1703] No, I think it just writes on saying, oh, it's yeah, hashtag.

[1704] That's exactly what it is.

[1705] But why is it doing that?

[1706] That's weird.

[1707] But why isn't it?

[1708] It does it have the little ad thing on it?

[1709] Why does it have that?

[1710] Does it mean they're in this Twitter room?

[1711] Is that what it is?

[1712] I don't know.

[1713] Let me check my iPhone.

[1714] A young Hillary Clinton.

[1715] Did you think young Hillary Clinton was cool looking?

[1716] Yeah, she was good looking.

[1717] I remember her being not bad when the first time he ran.

[1718] It was like, yeah.

[1719] I don't think she's bad.

[1720] Yeah.

[1721] And by then, she had had a child.

[1722] Who would you rather fuck now?

[1723] Is that the story?

[1724] Now.

[1725] Someone said who you think is better and bad.

[1726] I think that's a question.

[1727] Yeah, it wasn't.

[1728] Probably Hillary would suck her dick.

[1729] Hillary would give you some action, whereas Oprah would make you eat her pussy.

[1730] Hillary would have better cocaine.

[1731] I'm just.

[1732] not in the black chicks.

[1733] Did you just imagine that's what Oprah Winfrey really did.

[1734] She just had girls eat her pussy.

[1735] That's hilarious.

[1736] And it came out just like Tiger Woods is coming out that he's a freak and he's married with children but he's really banging like 16 different chicks at the same time.

[1737] What if it came out that Oprah Winfrey is this crazy bitch that just has all these young girls eat her pussy.

[1738] They're all blindfolded.

[1739] So they bring them into a special room so they don't know who's pussy they're eating.

[1740] Right.

[1741] Right.

[1742] This is your rule.

[1743] This is your assignment.

[1744] You have been paid 125 ,000 ,000 dollars a month will you accept you know you can't give them that much you'd have to give them 125 a year but should you call upon you no you're going to get more than that if you want to be like not they're blindfold and just go into a room to eat your pussy 125 a year and to be on call at all times yep on call no that's too much but you can't keep you my bitch no all you have to do is work for a couple years you can retire no i want to keep you my bitch i give you enough money so that you get used to money, but you can't really hold enough away.

[1745] Okay, what you can do is you can take someone who's super broke, start them off at 75, give him a 35 % pay increase every year.

[1746] We start them off 50.

[1747] But you've got to get him super broke.

[1748] All right, start him 50.

[1749] Next year, like, I want to leave now.

[1750] I have to stay.

[1751] Next year, we'll give you 75.

[1752] Ooh, now I have to stay.

[1753] You're after that, I want to leave.

[1754] It all depends on what you...

[1755] 150 this year.

[1756] Ooh.

[1757] Okay, I can't leave that.

[1758] Okay, now I want to leave.

[1759] 300 this year.

[1760] He's out jewing me right now.

[1761] Just keep upcoming, not letting him.

[1762] leave.

[1763] It's like Hollywood shit.

[1764] You can never never get to a certain point.

[1765] You have to be cultivating other boys.

[1766] You get them used to the money.

[1767] reforestation.

[1768] You get them used to the money and then look, you want to talk some shit.

[1769] Hector over there is ready to become a number one boy.

[1770] And Hector doesn't mind.

[1771] Hector likes sucking dick.

[1772] He'll suck three, He'll suck my friend's dick.

[1773] Not to mention.

[1774] If I got some guy, he looks like he's 28 now, 29.

[1775] Look, with the road, 10.

[1776] I can feel a grizzle on your tongue.

[1777] Hector is 19.

[1778] all the way from Guatemala to get here on a banana boat I don't even walk in a certain point Hector's so happy to have a fresh pair of Nikes, he'll suck the life out of your balls.

[1779] Hector's here.

[1780] He's here for you.

[1781] Totally, right?

[1782] Oh, yeah.

[1783] So the competition of being a male whore.

[1784] You know, in Nevada, they just recently approved male whores.

[1785] They're going to have male horrors.

[1786] They didn't have the four?

[1787] No, apparently they didn't.

[1788] Apparently, it was only females.

[1789] That's crazy.

[1790] Why would they not have that?

[1791] I don't know.

[1792] That seems, that's interesting.

[1793] I don't know.

[1794] It doesn't seem worse.

[1795] This is the way, way guys will...

[1796] If guys think they're Fred is gay, they're going to get him a male whore now.

[1797] I'm like, dude, you're not going to believe what I got you for your birthday.

[1798] Hey, looks at it rough.

[1799] I got you a fucking whore at the bunny ranch.

[1800] Get the fuck out of here.

[1801] That'd be a nice moment because you're like, oh, I've got to fake it with this girl from my friends.

[1802] You're like, you guys knew!

[1803] Yeah, he comes out.

[1804] I'm out of number.

[1805] Could you imagine?

[1806] You get him a whore at the bunny wretch.

[1807] Just going out of him.

[1808] Go in that room.

[1809] What does she look like?

[1810] Don't worry.

[1811] You're going to like it.

[1812] You're going to like it.

[1813] You just send him in there.

[1814] And then the red light comes on.

[1815] It's a naked guy with a heart on.

[1816] It's like, yes.

[1817] Oh, my God.

[1818] Did you imagine?

[1819] I thought this was going to be a terrible day.

[1820] And if the guy says, what the fuck?

[1821] Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

[1822] You know that he's just a little femmy.

[1823] He's not gay.

[1824] He's just a little femmy.

[1825] He's not gay.

[1826] My dad had a friend when I was growing up, I had a swore this dude was gay.

[1827] But he wasn't gay.

[1828] He was just a little femmy.

[1829] Femi.

[1830] Yeah.

[1831] Look, if you didn't know Duncan Trussell, there are times when Duncan Trussell were you Yeah, I act Femmy, but I just think that it's, I couldn't act serious and normal and stuff like that, but I just always let myself like, who cares, you know?

[1832] No, no, no, no, no, no, you're not understanding me. That's not Femmy.

[1833] That's relaxed.

[1834] This guy was like, gosh.

[1835] Oh, that kind of Femmy, those people are always gay.

[1836] Really?

[1837] I think you just never get into it.

[1838] Why is it doing hashtags and stuff at signs?

[1839] That's a better question.

[1840] I don't know, do you think that's why it works That's fucked up Did you try to fix it?

[1841] No, I don't want to fuck anything up, but I'll try Does anyone know why it's doing Hashtags instead of the at signs In the Twitter social stream On Ustream Yeah, because they're socializing about this subject Yeah, well, last week it did At signs and that's what we want We don't want this hashtag bullshit Does anyone know how to change it To hashtags to add signs I still do the same thing Duncan Trussell is awesome Yes, Duncan Trussell is awesome When he goes femme He's really just playing Duncan likes girls Trust me What's that?

[1842] What's that?

[1843] His Red Band a comic Red Band's done comedy He's technically a comic He'll go up anytime he wants He wants to fuck around He's very funny actually Wrote some good material We have to get it When we're gonna I can't tell you about that I was going to tell him About that show thing Can't tell you about that but he's done it a bunch of times it's just doing these videos even though it doesn't seem like it takes a lot of time it takes a lot of fucking time and he's got to archive all this goddamn material He's doing open mic sucks ass That too He puts me in front of him on Like his sold out shows And I'm like a noob trying to do comedy But you get spoiled And then you have to go to When you go back to L .A You go in front of like three other comics You know and he spent four hours a day Just you can have you know Five minutes on stage it sucks Yeah, open mic.

[1844] Fuck that shit.

[1845] I'm too old for that, you know?

[1846] They're brutal.

[1847] Is you going to water?

[1848] Yeah.

[1849] I'll be right back.

[1850] We got cotton mouth.

[1851] So, they'll entertain you guys.

[1852] I try to change the hashtag this.

[1853] Why are they all doing it?

[1854] They're all putting it in.

[1855] They don't do it.

[1856] It is because...

[1857] Brian, what are the new videos coming out?

[1858] We're logged into you stream via our Twitter account.

[1859] What are the new videos coming up, Brian?

[1860] What videos?

[1861] What do you got coming out in your life?

[1862] I'm not really doing.

[1863] doing much of videos right now.

[1864] Really?

[1865] Brian is doing a new thing where he's doing before a show on the road every time he makes a video specifically for that town.

[1866] Yeah.

[1867] Like he has material from Austin.

[1868] Yeah, if you go see Joe do stand -up at most places nowadays, we have a thing called Death Squad that's like before the show.

[1869] It's just kind of collection of videos and we film a bunch of stuff like, hey, we're coming to Austin.

[1870] It's kind of centered around that city.

[1871] So if you see...

[1872] get there at least 15 minutes before the showtime to watch that stuff what's that oh the videos yeah yeah yeah we're gonna do that at most places we go to when i'll be they'll be shown just that week and then done yeah when i go like to like one -nighters like dc like dc like rye and i are doing dc this um next sunday this upcoming sunday brian's not gonna come to that one but when we do weekends like the next week was the next weekend dog to add us we'll probably do it no tempi no uh ice house of pride in next one.

[1873] Oh yeah, Ice House, then Addison and Tempe.

[1874] It's all up on my Twitter page.

[1875] Oh, it's right in front of me. I'm asking questions.

[1876] It's right there.

[1877] Ice House, Addison, and then Tempe.

[1878] Addison's, I'm looking forward to that.

[1879] I fucking love Texas.

[1880] How much fun is Texas?

[1881] I love Texas.

[1882] So much fun.

[1883] I'm looking at those dates.

[1884] Tempe's going to be a lot of fun.

[1885] Always is.

[1886] Ice House is always a lot of fun, but I'm like, fuck, man, I'm going to Texas.

[1887] You know?

[1888] It's like the food's a little better.

[1889] The people are a little more fun.

[1890] It's a little more rowdy.

[1891] It's like they're like healthier there's like something about them they're like they got something that we don't have here in California this this place is so polluted by the entertainment business but yet I hate the East Coast most of it East Coast too angry yeah why is it so angry why he's so fucking mad you know I grew up with a lot of guys like that always everyone's insulting they're usually the funniest guys because they have to like learn quickly to deal with you know people's bullshit but Boston Boston's so fucking agro So many agro guys Everybody's upset Everybody wants to fight In New York How can't imagine Living around that many people It's rough So many people It's something that's just This guy T. Saps said Because it's cold That is definitely part of it Boston is cold as Fuck in the winter I was there in October And when I was there in October It was starting to be freezing It was like 50 But it was a different kind of 50 It wasn't like LA 50 L .A. 50's nothing.

[1892] This is literally in January.

[1893] Yeah.

[1894] I mean, we wear shorts in January out here all the time.

[1895] Well, a grown man really should never wear shorts.

[1896] Oh, my.

[1897] You can look at my legs, bitch.

[1898] What's wrong with my legs?

[1899] I'm all sexy and hairy and shit.

[1900] When I get gray hair in my legs, that's when you stop seeing me in shorts.

[1901] Or, you'll see me in shorts with shaved legs.

[1902] And I'm like, you fucking faggot.

[1903] You wouldn't die?

[1904] Just remain your legs?

[1905] Yeah.

[1906] You would shave them?

[1907] No, I'm not going to die my legs, black.

[1908] Does that you do?

[1909] You die.

[1910] I know dudes who.

[1911] do their facial hair.

[1912] They dye their facial hair, but I don't do that.

[1913] I'm going to shave.

[1914] I shave my balls.

[1915] I don't dye my ball hair.

[1916] So I'm not going to dye my leg hair either.

[1917] Right?

[1918] You can't be dying your leg hair.

[1919] That's just fucking utter faggotry.

[1920] Lining a bathtub with some fucking black ink trying to pretend that you're not dying.

[1921] You're dying, man. You don't dye your fucking leg hair.

[1922] That's hilarious.

[1923] And have you ever seen like an old dude whose hair has dyed?

[1924] They have like a reddish tint to the hair because the dye looks kind of funky.

[1925] They use that brown instead of a blonde base.

[1926] Could you imagine if you have it on your leg?

[1927] and your legs look like Sasquatch legs?

[1928] Ginger Sasquatch.

[1929] Who is Red Band?

[1930] What does he do?

[1931] Red Band is the guy who, if you ever saw the Carlos Mancia video, you've seen his work.

[1932] Have you seen the Jew Clam video, you've seen his work.

[1933] And if you haven't, you really need to check that out.

[1934] Google Jew Clam and look away.

[1935] He does all the videos for me and for my website and for, you know, we just, it's like one of the things we do when we go on these shows and we you know we travel all these different towns one of the things we do is we a lot of funny shit happens and we film it and brian takes all that funny shit has to yeah watch nine hours of bullshit to get 10 minutes of awesomeness and so 10 minutes of you know fun and with the right music and the right editing and he just makes his cool ass videos i just heard some director talking about he shot this movie with Julian Moore in 21 days and the editing took five months he thought it was like they said 10 or 12 weeks he goes I'll finish it in 5 to 7 for five months because that's so much longer he goes you can make a joke funny you can make a joke not funny you can do whatever you want through editing I can't even imagine shit I hate dealing with just the music because I make my videos around music but then if I pick a song that will get me banned off YouTube and off all these websites then it fuck so then you have to like try to do it with your own music or make your own kind of shit and then you lose the creativity part if you're like working with bullshit instead of working with Led Zeppelin you know it's fucked up I hate it I know it's like look at like one of Martin Scorsese's best movies Goodfellas Do you remember the scene where It was all falling apart For what's his face That's all the coke we had It's all the money we had Remember when he was driving in the car And looking at helicopters Yeah the music was so important To all that shit It's all that rolling Stone shit, you know?

[1936] I mean, it was like, that was that made...

[1937] Well, let's imagine at the end when he put in, when he's picking up his mail or whatever, or the newspaper and they have, we did it my way, by Sid Vicious and whatever, but he was like, that's a reason.

[1938] He's not using this Nautra version.

[1939] He's only on purpose.

[1940] He wants the fucking, that version of it, this bastardized version of the mafia that he's trying to show.

[1941] It's like, yes, it's important.

[1942] Yeah.

[1943] Music is so important to a good movie.

[1944] All those, that's one the great things about like Scorsese Tornino.

[1945] Yeah, Francis Ford Coppola they know how to pick the right fucking music man. You know, the great guys they know how to really jazz it up, right?

[1946] Anya or Marconi, those good, the bad, the ugly, those were all the same guy Sergio Lone, always use Anya or Marconi or whatever his name was.

[1947] The good, the bad and the ugly.

[1948] I wish I knew how to DJ.

[1949] I wish I, like, remix and stuff like that.

[1950] Because you watch it, it seems like it's so much fun and then you make your own music and that's, you know, in a way, you know?

[1951] right away yeah and i just wish i could do that you what's weird whereas every now and then a guy gets through and is huge like there's that guy i think his name is tiesto he's a gigantic dj and these people were telling me this dude was telling me that he went to a tiesto concert on new years and it was like this big thing i think he did it in south america and he said it was insane it was really crazy 50 000 people yeah like more and they're all in ecstasy i mean like just fucking utter craziness 100 ,000 people on ecstasy when this guy is jamming this guy gets, apparently he's like this multi -million selling DJ guy.

[1952] I don't know where they make their money.

[1953] I guess they make their money on personal appearances and people showing up for their show.

[1954] DJ sounds so good when you're on ecstasy.

[1955] Nightclubs are running out.

[1956] He makes it sound like, well yeah, I get it, man. They're good, right?

[1957] Yeah, if they're good.

[1958] Man, ecstasy, I only did it once, but god damn, do it feel good.

[1959] It's just named right.

[1960] It was like it kind of feel, yeah, Yeah, you got it.

[1961] It felt so good, but it scared the shit out of me the next day.

[1962] The next day...

[1963] Did you have a come down?

[1964] Yeah.

[1965] I never got one of those.

[1966] I might have had shitty ecstasy.

[1967] I might have to get me some good ecstasy and see what happens.

[1968] But it might be my biochemical mechanism.

[1969] I think it's more that.

[1970] Yeah.

[1971] It's a real gospel.

[1972] Yeah, DJs produce music, but they produce music that's, like, other people's music, that they're, like, piecing it together and making it their own.

[1973] But there is an art to it, for sure.

[1974] You know?

[1975] Sometimes the people that make the music don't see it as well as someone who's listening to the music.

[1976] I know that sounds crazy, but it's possible that a DJ could take a song that wasn't really that good and make it pretty fucking dope.

[1977] That's possible.

[1978] Sometimes remixes are better than the original songs, you know?

[1979] Most of the time it is.

[1980] Like if you go to Party Ben or What's that other dude's Girl Talk, if you go download some of their music, they take some really good songs.

[1981] But, man, listen to them mixed up and stuff like.

[1982] I actually like that better.

[1983] And, like...

[1984] Well, that's what everybody says about, like, Quentin Tarantino, right?

[1985] That his themes are all stories from, like, other movies like older than...

[1986] But he makes him fucking badass, you know?

[1987] Yeah.

[1988] That's an interesting little fine line there.

[1989] Kick Paris 7891.

[1990] We're having a fight in here.

[1991] This dude is telling someone to kick somebody off.

[1992] Are angry?

[1993] Oh, Paris.

[1994] Because Paris keeps on saying, Hey, suck my cock, Joe.

[1995] How much money do you suck my cock?

[1996] Ribbons gay.

[1997] How much money do you have?

[1998] have, fella.

[1999] You think that's the real Paris?

[2000] Paris Hilton?

[2001] Do you think cities are on Twitter?

[2002] How do I ban you, dude?

[2003] Do you just message when you say ban the sender?

[2004] Yes.

[2005] I want to ban the sender.

[2006] Bam, sorry, bitch.

[2007] Nobody's getting their cock suck now.

[2008] What I was going to do is suck everybody's cock that was listening, but you had to go and fuck it up, son.

[2009] Dude, I didn't know Joey Diaz was here.

[2010] Oh, sorry.

[2011] smoke weed, man. Why are you so rude?

[2012] He's going deep nowadays.

[2013] All right, it's going deep.

[2014] I remember the old Ari that would smoke half a hit and then, like, in a car accident on the way home?

[2015] I remember when you used to get nervous before getting too hot going on stage.

[2016] You got barbecued in Vegas.

[2017] How hard did you get in Vegas?

[2018] Yeah, pretty hot.

[2019] You kept going.

[2020] We had a joint, and usually, this is the way it works when you do comedy.

[2021] One hit, this would be fun.

[2022] This would be fun to get loose.

[2023] Two hits are like, ooh.

[2024] You're trusting.

[2025] We're trusting the universe, and you're trusting your state of mind.

[2026] We had four heads.

[2027] We were fucking blitzkrieked.

[2028] You're like, no, all right, one more.

[2029] We were fucking blitzkrieged.

[2030] The worst is when I was so stoned, like, my first week out here, you invited me to go see you at Fear Factor set.

[2031] Oh, that's right.

[2032] He gave me these, these are like when Lollipop's first came out.

[2033] And he's like, hey, Ohio boy, Brian, come here.

[2034] You want this Lollipop?

[2035] I'm like, all right.

[2036] Sure.

[2037] And so I take it.

[2038] And then like 10 minutes later, is that you feel anything yet?

[2039] And I'm like, no. And we're like, let's take another one.

[2040] So I took a second one.

[2041] Yes, we took two of them.

[2042] And then Joe's like, well, here is hang out with all the directors and producers in this trailer.

[2043] I got to go now.

[2044] And I'm like, they're like, hey, Brian, how's it going?

[2045] And they're like, like, outside.

[2046] He was so, so so high.

[2047] Yeah, it was horrible.

[2048] I called you El Diablo for like three months.

[2049] I did everyone.

[2050] You know what?

[2051] You know what?

[2052] That's the only thing.

[2053] You know what?

[2054] That's the one.

[2055] You know what?

[2056] That's the only thing.

[2057] You know what?

[2058] You know what?

[2059] That's the one.

[2060] You know what?

[2061] You know what?

[2062] You know what?

[2063] You know what?

[2064] That's how much I hated Fear Factor.

[2065] I hated Fear Factor so much that I had to do it that I would get barbecued.

[2066] I would get so fucking hot.

[2067] I would take these crazy Beyond bomb that was the name of the company that would make them lollipops and I'd eat one of those before I would do Fear Factor and I'd be blitz -creaked to the point where I could remember what I was talking about 10 seconds ago and that's how I would do the show.

[2068] But it made it so much more interesting.

[2069] It's fun to watch Fear Factor now knowing that though because all the episodes You can tell your eyes are all glazed over.

[2070] He was like, oh, my God, you're going to eat!

[2071] It must be so windy and allergenic out there.

[2072] The producers knew it and liked that fact that I did it because it made me more relaxed and funnier.

[2073] There were so many agro douchebags on that show.

[2074] I'm sure, too, of the producers, they must work with so many acro dishbags over the years.

[2075] So many.

[2076] So many.

[2077] And if you want to be a douche, you can make a lives miserable.

[2078] Yeah.

[2079] Most of the people that did that show were really cool.

[2080] They were there to have fun, trying to win some money.

[2081] Holy shit, I'm on TV, you know.

[2082] Some of the contestants you're talking about?

[2083] Got like stars?

[2084] Yeah, they got douchey.

[2085] Well, not only that, they got aggressive.

[2086] You know, there was some contestants that were, like, really aggressive, you know?

[2087] And that was annoying because they were all hyped up trying to win this fucking show and they would start shit with me. You know, they're at home in Jersey practicing.

[2088] If Joe Goode could say some shit, this woman would say to him.

[2089] So, like, they're already like...

[2090] You don't really say it, but they go for it anyway.

[2091] They're already wrapped up by the time they get there.

[2092] I'm like, hey, man, relax.

[2093] I'm here to help you.

[2094] Yeah, you relax.

[2095] Yeah, you relax.

[2096] What?

[2097] Yeah.

[2098] So the weed helps.

[2099] that the weed helps nothing helps you deal with aggression better than weed it does help for gift sometimes people watch it look oh right there it's fun very nice was that the Vegas show last May says aduna adunja a D -U N -J -A no we were talking about yeah we were talking about Saturday night oh Friday night the um we do the house of blues in Vegas all the time we also do the palms and I'm gonna be doing that like every couple months I think you do the palms more yeah I'm getting to a while later, but yeah, it's a regular more of a club.

[2100] Yeah, I think so do it.

[2101] And if it's similar to the other stuff, then it's like, do where it's set up that way.

[2102] Yeah, it's, the only thing I don't like about the palms is that the stage lighting is not the best.

[2103] The House of Blues is all, like, really lit up well, but they might have fixed that by now.

[2104] Yeah.

[2105] That's not a big fix.

[2106] It's just a spotlight.

[2107] But yeah, so either way, we're going to be in Vegas a lot.

[2108] Talk about M .MA, Joe, fuck.

[2109] The Mark Gaden.

[2110] Oh, that's John Copenhaver.

[2111] I wonder if that's the real John Copenhaver.

[2112] That's the Real Mark Gaden.

[2113] War Machine would have...

[2114] Is that the real Mark Gaden?

[2115] Oh, that's cool.

[2116] Real John Copenhaver, the War Machine wouldn't have a fucking little Tweety Bird next to him.

[2117] What is up with those Tweety Birds?

[2118] The yellow and the green.

[2119] Is that what it?

[2120] That's no picture.

[2121] They just joined or there are a lot of UFC guys.

[2122] Because War Machine's got a picture of him looking all buff on it.

[2123] The Palms has the naked girl pick on stage.

[2124] Yes.

[2125] Yeah, exactly.

[2126] When you're on stage of the Palms, right to your left, there's a naked picture.

[2127] There's a picture of a girl showing her pussy.

[2128] in the new place yeah she's got a tits her out and she's like showing a little bit of pubic here right on stage oh because the playboy night yeah it's like the playboy comedy club yeah it's very strange man but uh I think we're gonna do that I think we're gonna do that much more the next one we're doing that in February is there any female comics that you know of that show their pussy all the time like hey look at my pussy like Joey shows his balls yeah yeah like any no god that'd be awesome it's a problem God's like I want to see it again right That'd be awesome.

[2129] There's nothing funny about a girl showing her pussy.

[2130] A dude pulls his dick out and goes, what?

[2131] What?

[2132] That's funny.

[2133] Yeah, but what if a chick's like?

[2134] Look, I'm fingering myself with my cell phone.

[2135] Where's your bad?

[2136] Where's your dad?

[2137] What happened when you were young?

[2138] What happened?

[2139] Sarah Silverman?

[2140] Yeah.

[2141] Sarah Silverman's funny.

[2142] But she wouldn't be funny if she showed her pussy.

[2143] She's fun if she talks about her pussy.

[2144] But if she showed it, she killed her.

[2145] I did that K -Rock thing with her last year.

[2146] There was like some K -Rock comedy night.

[2147] She's crushed it.

[2148] God damn.

[2149] She crushed it.

[2150] She's funny, man. Patton Oswald, too.

[2151] Yeah, he's hilarious.

[2152] That guy's a really good writer.

[2153] I always seem at Starbucks.

[2154] He's always with his kid.

[2155] He's like being dad, Mr. Dad, instead of the kids.

[2156] He always surprises me with where he goes, with his writing.

[2157] I really like his writing.

[2158] you know his his stuff is like he'll go someplace and he'll take a premise that like you would think like maybe you would like think about like maybe I'll talk about this on stage and then you go and it's not funny enough but he makes it fun yeah he actually makes the joke out of it yeah he beats it down and conforms it and makes it funny with his writing he always takes shit to a place that I'm always surprised come to Seattle I'm going to come to Seattle motherfucker eventually Josh Chiv's here on a new place is it better it changed it uh i don't know i've not heard it's about good again this is a stupid way to see this because these hashtag things yeah this is stupid well because it keeps scrolling and they can't fucking read it at least when you go to actual twitter it doesn't do that oh when you go to actual Twitter you can actually sit there it's probably a way to stop it yeah i'm not looking at hashtags I'm just looking at that um that app thing now I'm going to just look at that now.

[2159] Can we do that?

[2160] It depends.

[2161] It seems like...

[2162] What happened with this?

[2163] I think what Ustream's thinking, if that's who he's doing it, I think Ustream's thinking if there's a ton of people that do the hashtag, then it'll show up as a trending topic.

[2164] Here's a good question.

[2165] Salvia, have you ever done it?

[2166] Brian's done Salvia.

[2167] You have videos on.

[2168] Did you have a video already?

[2169] I did it once.

[2170] Did you put a video up?

[2171] Are you doing it?

[2172] Brian did.

[2173] What was that on?

[2174] It was super cool.

[2175] It was just totally tripping out.

[2176] You're on top of houses looking at people's lawns or something like that.

[2177] I was on my childhood lawn and I could feel that reality here and the other reality it went like this and bent right here, the real reality here and I was trying to not make them overlap because I would never come back.

[2178] I was like, no, no, I'm not there.

[2179] Stop, hold on, man. How incredible is this?

[2180] I thought my face became carpet and then it melted and tore off and then I went down a water slide.

[2181] And then I was like, are you talking about my face?

[2182] You're talking about my face?

[2183] How crazy is that that's legal?

[2184] Salvia's illegal.

[2185] Well, in some places it is.

[2186] It's actually turning illegal now, a lot of places.

[2187] In a couple places.

[2188] Really?

[2189] Yeah, Florida.

[2190] Yeah, but there's 50 states.

[2191] Florida.

[2192] How many of them are going to make it illegal?

[2193] I don't know.

[2194] Pretty fast, though.

[2195] I think they just did seven states recently or something like that.

[2196] Man, this is the Mark Gaden, whoever you are?

[2197] Who's Mark Gaden?

[2198] I'm going to block you.

[2199] Do you know him?

[2200] Yeah, you talk too much.

[2201] Is that Mark Hayden?

[2202] I don't think so.

[2203] it's a fake one.

[2204] No, it's real.

[2205] It's real.

[2206] Wow.

[2207] Just like the cheaters.

[2208] It's real.

[2209] This woman Canadianlisha says, were they all on lollipops also?

[2210] The contestants?

[2211] No, I got the contestants high on meth because you want to have a good show.

[2212] You want to have a good, motivated group of people out there trying to compete.

[2213] So it was common knowledge that the set supplied, no, I'm making this.

[2214] What?

[2215] Packing this up.

[2216] Hey, have you ever seen that?

[2217] No one was on any.

[2218] drugs, ladies and gentlemen.

[2219] They were on...

[2220] We gave a Diet Coke and you can have a water if you wanted that too.

[2221] Or you could have a regular Coke if you don't give a fuck.

[2222] But no, there was...

[2223] No, no, the contestants who were not drugs.

[2224] It was just me. I was on a little bit of weed to try to get through the day.

[2225] Have you ever seen a pussy with great pubic hair yet in real life?

[2226] How not in real life?

[2227] Have you?

[2228] No. Really?

[2229] Not yet.

[2230] But one day, that's all we're going to be seeing all day.

[2231] You got to be like, why did you start shaving your pussy?

[2232] Shut up.

[2233] I want to talk about it.

[2234] It's going to have that gray tent.

[2235] Yeah.

[2236] It's going to always look dusty.

[2237] Oh, no. You're like, there's something on there.

[2238] What is that?

[2239] You're going to be able to see the ingrown hair.

[2240] Like cubes.

[2241] Of the knees and downward elbows, what other MMA rules we like to see on it?

[2242] I don't know.

[2243] You know, I think that should be up to a boat, what they should allow.

[2244] What?

[2245] Rules?

[2246] Yeah, knees on the ground and stuff like that.

[2247] I think in a certain.

[2248] there's a certain part about knees on the ground it kicks or the cage you can't get away from them in certain places if you get trapped up against the cage dudes are going to take damage that they wouldn't normally take whereas like if they did it in a ring the thing about the ring is you can slide out of that bitch you can get your head under it and just avoid the kick you could pull with it instead of having to stop right on it yeah you can't get trapped there I mean you kind of can get trapped in the turn buckle in the corner but not the same it's there's openings all over the place What about having a warning track around the cage and you can't kick somebody in the head on the ground inside that warning truck?

[2249] That's a good idea.

[2250] That's a real good.

[2251] Dude, look at you.

[2252] Just thought of it.

[2253] That's a real good idea right there, ladies and gentlemen.

[2254] A warning track around the cage where knees on the ground are not effective.

[2255] And so what you do is you grab a guy, you get him in a fucking hold and you pull them into the middle so you can knee him in the head.

[2256] Knee him on the ground.

[2257] Maybe.

[2258] Yeah, that's actually a smart move.

[2259] That would make it really interesting.

[2260] No gravity.

[2261] Everyone had more strategies.

[2262] People try to go to that warning track.

[2263] I think people probably be excited about that, too.

[2264] You know, like the knee of the knee, near the knee area.

[2265] Yeah.

[2266] And people talk shit.

[2267] It's like, oh shit, it's in the middle.

[2268] What's he going to do?

[2269] He can't go anywhere.

[2270] He's going to knee left.

[2271] Yeah.

[2272] Yeah, and people talk shit.

[2273] Well, he was real smart.

[2274] He stayed away from the knee area.

[2275] I was going to fuck him up in that knee area.

[2276] He was scared of my strength, so he didn't want to bang with me. Exactly.

[2277] He didn't want to bang with me. I don't know.

[2278] Fucking.

[2279] You said he wanted a fight.

[2280] Do one of them?

[2281] Yeah.

[2282] This guy says in the past he broadcasts with UFC with guest announcers.

[2283] You find that limits your broadcasting or messes with chemistry.

[2284] No, no, you know, those guys were nice guys.

[2285] I did it once with Craig Hummer and once with Matt Vaskergeon.

[2286] They're both nice guys.

[2287] Very professional, you know, but Goldberg's my, you know, he's a good buddy.

[2288] We're friends.

[2289] We're real good friends.

[2290] So I like having him around.

[2291] It's fun.

[2292] And I think he's excellent the way he does.

[2293] That shit is very hard.

[2294] Did I ever see Bill Hicks live be Frederick 30?

[2295] Yeah, I saw him a couple of times live.

[2296] I saw him in L .A. when he was just, like, just starting to be known.

[2297] It was fun.

[2298] I saw him clear a room.

[2299] I saw him bomb.

[2300] He went up after this really hacky guy, and the guy was doing all these, like, impressions of different cartoon characters smoking weed.

[2301] And it was just, he's a nice guy, but it was just really hacky stuff.

[2302] And the audience was eating it up.

[2303] And Hicks went on afterwards with all this George, Bush, war, John Davidson coming out of Oprah Winfrey's ass when Oprah Winfrey's on the toilet.

[2304] No, it wasn't Oprah Winfrey, who was it?

[2305] He would do it with a bunch of different people.

[2306] Anyway, he has these crazy fucking bits and social commentary and the audience is getting up in giant chunks.

[2307] They were getting up like 10, 15 people at a time.

[2308] They left.

[2309] They abandoned him.

[2310] And he was just eating in on stage.

[2311] But we, were loving it.

[2312] It was like me and maybe like seven or eight other comics.

[2313] But he was bombing better than I'd ever seen anybody bomb.

[2314] He was bombing like a champion.

[2315] Like you didn't give a fuck.

[2316] He's taking a shit, right?

[2317] He's doing this bit where I don't remember who the other.

[2318] He did want, sometimes he used to do it with Oprah Winfrey.

[2319] I don't think that was Oprah this time, but it was like that she shits out John Davidson.

[2320] So I forget how the bit goes, but it was a really funny bit.

[2321] John Davidson was the host of That's incredible.

[2322] Well, maybe it was the devil fuck John Davidson.

[2323] So anyway, she's in the middle, he's in the middle of squatting down on stage, just making these moaning noises like he's taking a shit.

[2324] And he's doing it for like a minute.

[2325] Like, he's like, eh, eh.

[2326] And he looks up, he goes, yeah, that usually clears room.

[2327] And then he goes back to it.

[2328] And he did it, like, without any, there was no feeling that he was self -conscious.

[2329] it was like feeling like yeah I'm bombing fuck it it wasn't like holy shit I'm bombing it was like he was making fun of it and it was awesome it was really really interesting to watch it was like the best I'd ever seen anybody bomb but we like I said we laughed our asses off and I seen him kill too I saw him kill a couple times at the common connection with all his Jimmy Hendricks when Debbie Gibson was famous Jimmy Hendricks running into Debbie Gibson at the mall Yeah it was really loud it was funny stuff he was a lot like like Sam Kinnison a lot like Kinnison like you could tell like that they they work together you know and dudes work together as much as we try not to we pick up a little pieces of each other's styles yeah yeah totally and it's part of it is like I don't know it's like we all say powerful right you know why do we all say powerful because my friend Larry because Larry said power Larry was the original powerful so you got to give credit to the original powerful but everybody says powerful yeah it's like it's out there too much yeah it's like it's out there's nobody's now never no one's saying they invented it they're also yeah exactly you get it it's not like people all around in saying that yeah like you can't exactly rad is a perfect example anything like that there's like something that's hot it just becomes a part of the vernacular huge huge all that shit dude it's huge and when that happens but that's the original powerful's layering but anyway my point is that Bill Hicks and Kinnison I don't know who, which came first, the chicken of the egg, you know, I don't know who was influencing who.

[2330] I know, Kinnison was the godfather, common in Houston.

[2331] He was the guy that made everybody want to do comedy.

[2332] He was the guy that, you know, was the leader of the outlaws, and Hicks was clearly like his underling.

[2333] But if you look at, like, the writing, like Hicks' writing was so much different.

[2334] You know, they were so different.

[2335] You know, when they, when they, they both developed into their own thing.

[2336] Yeah.

[2337] You know, Hicks always had to, like, say something whereas Kinnison was just fucking, we're here for fun we're here to party, we're here for chaos you know You got it with Kinnison on your way You got his tape Yeah definitely You didn't have to say it I did it with jokes Like I think that that did Life keeps fucking you in the ass Yeah Oh it was like wow You can't say better How you really about life Can't say better That was an awesome one And the one on the starving children Those commercials Come on that's one of the greatest Comedy bits in the history of the universe when he's doing that bit about those kids starving like what you want me to feed him why don't you feed them you're right fucking there you know that it's like don't feed them shout up people like me seven people that are going to go there and tell you that we wouldn't have to come here 5 ,000 miles with your food if you people who live with a food is you live in a desert there's no winchels donuts in the desert come here motherfucker you know what this is that's sad it's gonna be a thousand years from now fuck sand we got deserts in america too we just don't live in a asshole oh oh and you go god damn yeah i remember when i first saw that i was like that's the greatest comedy i've ever completely not caring just didn't give a fuck and there was no one like it because i i grew up in like when i first heard kennison i was living in really conservative boston really religious everyone was either Catholic or Jewish, very conservative.

[2338] A lot of angry people, but also very conservative.

[2339] You never heard shit like that.

[2340] Nothing.

[2341] You never heard people have the balls to talk like that.

[2342] Even when your friends are around, you're all by yourself.

[2343] You don't have the balls to talk that crazy.

[2344] So to hear someone like that, you're like, whoa!

[2345] He changed comedy.

[2346] He's one of those guys who came on and changed comedy.

[2347] There was nobody like that before him.

[2348] He was a total original.

[2349] There's a young comedian special when you see I think Saga was on it, a couple other guys Nelson or whatever this guy's name was and it was like, oh, you know what that's that type of kind of and you see him come on and you're like, oh, it's all going to be that from now on.

[2350] It's all It can't be the whole way anymore.

[2351] Yeah, they were fine.

[2352] They were all good, but he was just so raw, so much energy, so much power and what he was saying made so much fucking sense.

[2353] It wasn't like, hey, this is the same one with Bob Nelson.

[2354] Is that his name, Bob Nelson?

[2355] Yeah.

[2356] And he put, uh, balloons and it's my impression of a football player and he runs and it's like and it's like alright that's a funny thing you did but it's not you yeah it's not it wasn't as good when kensen did that joke about jesus yeah you think jesus coming back i think the last words we ever heard from jesus are oh oh not my left hand oh oh that whole screaming style that that powerful style i mean that's my favorite kind of comedy like Joey Diaz when he's mad when he's fucking screaming at you when he's getting fucking crazy $5 for gas.

[2357] I love that style.

[2358] I fucking kill Osama bin Laden I'll kill George Bush.

[2359] I'll fucking I'll kill Kobe Bryant.

[2360] Fuck you $5.

[2361] Come all.

[2362] That was awesome.

[2363] I like Hedgberg's style.

[2364] I like them all, man. I like a goofy retarded shit.

[2365] I like that too but I like them all man. That's a beautiful thing about comedy is you can't tell someone how to do comedy right.

[2366] Nobody can do it correctly.

[2367] There's just anybody's got their own way comedy is just a nutty fucking art for him man everybody's got a different way doing it and every way it works you know like if Mitch Headberg was trying to do his act like Kinnison that would be crazy but if Kinison was trying to do his act like Mitch Headberg like what I wonder if there's any footage of old old Mitch Heberg right when he's starting to do it of mics when he's trying to do like normal boy comedy before you develop it that would be really interesting to see how you guys how you doing?

[2368] Well have you seen Larry the Cable guy videos yeah right that's incredible dan whitney yeah that guy Larry the cable guy is the most successful stand -up comedian in the history of the world no one's even close as far as live gate sales he sells out like football arenas man really football arena's like 50 ,000 people Josh Wolfe opens for him they get on a giant stage in a fucking football arena dude that's crazy he had pictures of it on his phone.

[2369] He was showing the pictures.

[2370] He's like, look, man, this is the audience.

[2371] And you look at it, he go, what the fuck?

[2372] That's like a world.

[2373] You're doing it for like, like, you're doing like a country.

[2374] How do you connect with all those fucking people?

[2375] Just tell your jokes.

[2376] Slowly.

[2377] I don't know, man. Do you think you could connect with all those people?

[2378] I don't know.

[2379] No. I think you'd have to be a powerful, charismatic motherfucker.

[2380] They would have to really like you, too, to connect with all those people.

[2381] They can't even see.

[2382] Macial expressions are so far back.

[2383] It's true.

[2384] But the only thing is that they would have to have some big gas screens.

[2385] Yeah, I'm sure they'll have that.

[2386] But football arenas are primarily their outdoor things, right?

[2387] Uh -huh.

[2388] They're never covered, right?

[2389] They're covered sometimes?

[2390] Yeah, they're heated sometimes.

[2391] Sometimes they're heated?

[2392] If they're indoors, yeah, they're heated.

[2393] There's like Minneapolis, the Metro and whatever it is.

[2394] They have to be able to do, right?

[2395] It's like 30 below zero.

[2396] No, they can have outside.

[2397] No, they can have outside of 30 below zero?

[2398] Yeah, people go to the games?

[2399] They never cancel football games.

[2400] God damn, that's crazy.

[2401] Football games.

[2402] are motherfuckers, man. When you see those dudes playing snow...

[2403] There's always that one fan, no shirt on, paint it up.

[2404] Nuts, man. There's something cool about that.

[2405] Yeah.

[2406] There's something...

[2407] If you want to talk about a sport that really does represent America, that represents America.

[2408] That's a crazy -ass fucking sport.

[2409] They will play, even if it's pouring rain.

[2410] No rain out.

[2411] Bonsons.

[2412] Well, that conditions aren't good.

[2413] Tough shit.

[2414] Sunday, brother.

[2415] Yeah.

[2416] It's like...

[2417] In some countries, they have to deal with inclement weather so much.

[2418] Yeah.

[2419] Some places.

[2420] have to do with something.

[2421] We don't have nothing in California.

[2422] Baseball, it's like, it's raining.

[2423] Let's go.

[2424] I'm like, it's 703 degrees.

[2425] Isn't that incredible?

[2426] Yeah.

[2427] Isn't that incredible?

[2428] They won't even play in the rain.

[2429] I'm like, yeah, it'll be harder.

[2430] They're not even hitting each other with anything.

[2431] You know?

[2432] Those guys are snowed in and they're running into each other.

[2433] Full clip in the fucking freezing cold.

[2434] You remember, you remember when you were a little kid, you would fall when it was cold out and it would hurt so much more.

[2435] Well, catching a football on the cold, when somebody who went to say, you go, oh, fuck, it hurts so bad.

[2436] I mean, how cold.

[2437] How much does it hurt when you get clipped by a fucking gigantic 300 -pound mind -man?

[2438] God, that must be so painful.

[2439] Do you think we reached the end of this program?

[2440] I was going to eat something.

[2441] Pretty close.

[2442] I think this is about the end.

[2443] We've determined that at two hours in, we usually start getting boring.

[2444] I'm not very shit.

[2445] And Ari, Arifir, got them monkeys.

[2446] We didn't take that many questions, but hopefully we were entertaining, too, bitches.

[2447] But sometimes the questions helped us go on with that.

[2448] Yes.

[2449] Yes, definitely well if it wasn't for you guys we couldn't have done this obviously what did we do we just talked that's what we're doing oh and a they'll take a call to deal with them for a while and they'll go off until they're ready for another caller you know they'll just keep going well we've been looking for something like this for a long time we've been looking for something like this like to do some sort of a radio show and I've talked about it like hey maybe you know we could all do like death squad radio or something like that but really what I realized is that the best way to do it is to do it like this do it on the internet and we'll have this thing evolve turn this room into like a real like setup where you can sit down and watch us Yeah and we're gonna have laptop set up so that we can play videos like You know like hey there's a you know Some crazy new fucking animal attack video Can we figure it right away so that when we do play a video Just plug it and then the screen goes to that video No no no next week we're gonna have it completely different Next week is when we're gonna have all that stuff Like video on video we could have like three people talking at once we're just, he's going to have his internet done to, you know.

[2450] It's done right now.

[2451] We just have to change the router.

[2452] Next week's show, have a bunch of fun shit.

[2453] Yeah, well, what we're going to do is we're going to keep doing this every week, and we're going to, um, like, it's going to expand.

[2454] And eventually, I think eventually the internet is going to make its way into your car.

[2455] That's what I think it's going to happen.

[2456] I think the internet would podcast and stuff like that.

[2457] Like, we aren't making MP3s of this.

[2458] We should have.

[2459] Maybe we can.

[2460] No, we can.

[2461] We can still make it.

[2462] Yeah.

[2463] Okay.

[2464] Well, we'll start making MP3s and put it up as podcast because there was nothing about this what you needed to see us.

[2465] So we're going to do shit like this, and then we're just going to do a lot more internet stuff.

[2466] Really, what's really good about any sort of a television show is the money, A, and the fact that people now come out to see your stand -up, which is what we're always trying to work on.

[2467] You know, I mean, if you've never seen ARI, Ari's fucking hilarious.

[2468] There's a lot of dudes that are out there that are headlining these big clubs that, in my opinion, they're not as developed as Ari is.

[2469] They're not as funny as Ari is, but Ari doesn't have that many credits.

[2470] So it's hard for just clubs to book him, and then they assume that people are going to come out and see him.

[2471] You know, people come out and see somebody because they know that guy from a movie or from a television show or whatever.

[2472] But R is a filthy pig, and he goes on stage in these auditions, and they say, whatever you do, don't talk about rape.

[2473] So what does Ari do?

[2474] How can I not talk about it?

[2475] What is a minute rape bit?

[2476] Which is a hilarious bit.

[2477] But, you know, like, the reason why some dudes are funny is also the reason why people don't find out that some dudes are funny.

[2478] We have a guy that we know that's probably one of the funniest guys ever.

[2479] This guy, Brian Holtzman, and no one knows who Brian Holtzman has because he's so crazy.

[2480] And he should have, he should have hit big.

[2481] He was the guy that, like, he was so crazy.

[2482] We would always go into the back of the room and watch him when he went on stage.

[2483] Such a real hatred.

[2484] Yeah, and gets so angry and nutty.

[2485] And every now and then he'd break character.

[2486] And a nice guy to be around, too, when he was hanging around at the club.

[2487] He's always friendly and...

[2488] You know what I would love to see, a reality show with Brody, Stevens, and him, and they live together.

[2489] Why, Brody was too sensitive.

[2490] He'd get mad.

[2491] But wouldn't that be great?

[2492] No. No, Brody Stevens and Brent Ernst.

[2493] No. No, I think of the Holtzman and Brody Stevens together would be hilarious.

[2494] Do you think that the following comedians would be worthwhile for, like, a shit?

[2495] Like, if you look at, like, the Kardashians...

[2496] You have to edit it.

[2497] But if it was actually real, real, I think it would be interesting.

[2498] If you could get them to have fucked out someone more.

[2499] What's the appeal of keeping up with the Kardashians?

[2500] Just that she's got a fat ass.

[2501] That's it.

[2502] Are they dumb?

[2503] Yeah, they're dumb.

[2504] Is that what it is?

[2505] But a lot of people are dumb, too.

[2506] The Harris is, right?

[2507] Well, sort of.

[2508] You know, they have some money.

[2509] Not like Paris Hilton money.

[2510] There's a lot of people with good asses.

[2511] Yeah, but you just got to put one on TV.

[2512] People become famous just because they're ass.

[2513] A Vida Guerra chick.

[2514] I know who she is.

[2515] She probably doesn't even who I am.

[2516] I know who she is.

[2517] Why?

[2518] Because of her ass.

[2519] I don't even know what her voice sounds like.

[2520] I know her face looks like Joey Diaz.

[2521] But she's only doing...

[2522] She sits up.

[2523] She sits on that shit.

[2524] You know her for what she's doing.

[2525] But they'll take someone like, what's her name, but okay, you're a TV star now.

[2526] Jennifer Lopez, how about that?

[2527] Famous because of her ass.

[2528] Not really.

[2529] Famous because they're a talent, but recognized because of her ass.

[2530] That's like one celebrity where everybody talks...

[2531] If you talk about Jennifer Lopez, you talk about her ass.

[2532] There's a lot of celebrities that have great asses.

[2533] And her feet.

[2534] Our feet are hot?

[2535] You're a fucking weirdo.

[2536] God, damn it.

[2537] What's up with people like in feet?

[2538] That's so gross.

[2539] That's a very strange thing.

[2540] Yeah, a very strange thing.

[2541] But anyway, we're always trying to do something fun, where we could all do it together and just hang out and shoot the shit because we have these conversations sometimes and we say, man, you know, this is way more fun than like a radio show.

[2542] Why don't we do our own thing like this?

[2543] Just figuring out how to get it made is always done.

[2544] the bitch.

[2545] That's always the hard part but this is easy.

[2546] Now that there's something like this we don't have to figure out shit.

[2547] So we'll do this I think it's a good creative outlet we have to go over what we said today but there was some funny shit that could have been bits you know?

[2548] Because we're just regular.

[2549] I like the idea of a 360 camera.

[2550] 360 of the whole room.

[2551] Multiple cameras.

[2552] Multiple cameras.

[2553] We're going to multiple cameras.

[2554] Yeah.

[2555] I may have it set up so you can choose which camera you are.

[2556] So if it's multiple cameras, can we have So they set up to choose which camera is, but everyone comes off one sound feed.

[2557] Right.

[2558] Oh, okay, good.

[2559] Oh, that's awesome, though.

[2560] All right, well, that's what we're going to do, ladies and gentlemen.

[2561] I'll get in a four square box.

[2562] And we're just going to do more of this shit, let you guys know what the fuck is going down.

[2563] This Sunday night, Ari and I are at the 930 club in Washington, D .C., and it's Ari's old stomping grounds.

[2564] So if there's any of you hookers out there with an itchy mouth.

[2565] But there's nothing to do with my old stomping grounds.

[2566] I'm still willing.

[2567] We're going to get it scratched.

[2568] There's nothing to do with a stopping around.

[2569] Ari's been saying he really would like a blow job of his returning show in D .C. It's a way we can honor our new president of Barack Obama.

[2570] And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning into our little YouTube, or excuse me, Ustream, Ustream show, and we'll see you next week.

[2571] And eventually we'll have a regular time that we try to adhere to every week.

[2572] And it might move around a little bit, but for the most part, it'll be like around that.

[2573] like Wednesday afternoon, possibly Tuesday if we have to step out.

[2574] If you get started more on time, people get used to like at three, it'll be on, you know?

[2575] You know, it's...