MFM Minisode 143

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Welcome.

[2] It's my favorite murder.

[3] The minisode.

[4] That's Karen Kilgarra.

[5] That's Georgia Marie Hart Stark.

[6] Full names only.

[7] Thanks for joining us.

[8] It's getting into spooky Halloween.

[9] That's right.

[10] And we've made a call to have you guys send us your spooky Halloween and fucked -up Ouija board stories.

[11] Any kind of creepy, perhaps paranormal or maybe just your sister fucking with you.

[12] A great coincidence?

[13] That's like crazy.

[14] Yeah.

[15] dreams like what what scared you the most when you're 10 yeah that's not tv or something like that like a real life experience don't send us your creepy dreams we don't care no no dreams don't count yeah that's your personal business um go to my favorite murder dot com or my favorite murder at gmail i think we're going to do like a special Halloween episode about them yeah that's right and we and basically you guys it's a Halloween takeover just we on the radio this is MTV Yo!

[16] It's a Halloween takeover.

[17] Go ahead.

[18] Yo, it's a Halloween takeover.

[19] These are your stories.

[20] Subject line of this is, Home Town Story.

[21] Dear MFM, people and pets.

[22] When I was a sophomore in high school, 97 through 98, I received a typed letter in the mail asking if I wanted a blow job.

[23] Just a strong start.

[24] We are off to the races.

[25] The letter ended with instructions that if I were interested, I should leave an orange sticker included in the envelope on a specific stop sign by my house.

[26] Complicated for a blow job.

[27] Yeah, it's several steps.

[28] Kind of the Rube Goldberg of a free blow job.

[29] I must have put the sticker on a day late because I never received a second letter.

[30] What can I say?

[31] I was a 16 -year -old Catholic Virgin.

[32] I thought this was how sex happened.

[33] My friend, a few blocks away, however, received multiple letters.

[34] Each was designed to build trust between the writer and the recipient.

[35] One letter he received said that to show that the letter writer was serious, they put an envelope with $5 in it under a very specific rock in my friend's Zariscaped Yard.

[36] I wonder if that's when you have the bushes are cut into the shape of animals.

[37] That's my guess.

[38] I'm going to guess that it's like a good water resistant garden.

[39] But we'll never know because we'll forget about it immediately.

[40] Well, what if Stephen remembers and looks it up for us?

[41] Xero escaped X -E -R -I Okay, and then the end will have the big reveal.

[42] Luckily, no blowjobs happened.

[43] Luckily, get those blows jobs.

[44] Time and time passed until one day I saw on the news, a local priest shock does not fall over the crowd, was arrested for soliciting oral sex through the male two boys who went to St. Pius High School, my alma mater, go Spartans.

[45] It was a priest.

[46] I recognized him.

[47] Sophomore year at St. Pius, we were required to take a comparative religions class where we learned about Judaism, Buddhism, and for one day out of the semester, a priest would come and talk to us about Satanism.

[48] This letter writing suspect, oh, this was the letter writing suspect.

[49] He had been coming to this theology class for years and must have snagged a student directory during a visit.

[50] Holy shit.

[51] I believe it was defrocked and may actually see jail time due to the fact that some of his alleged abuse occurred while he was a chaplain on a local Air Force base, meaning no statute of limitations.

[52] They got the U .S. military's got the right idea.

[53] That's right.

[54] Stay sexy and don't have sex by snail mail.

[55] One of your many fans in Albuquerque, Scott.

[56] Oh, wow.

[57] My God.

[58] Wow.

[59] Twists and turns.

[60] Now, I was telling Georgia this earlier, and I'm sorry that I'm like this because I know it drives a lot of people crazy.

[61] But I read Twitter like in the middle of the night.

[62] I often wake up at 4 in the morning and just pick up my phone and start scrolling and then go to sleep.

[63] I'm next door.

[64] or at Instagram hanging out with you.

[65] At 4 a .m. Yes.

[66] So I saw this, and I don't know if someone sent it to me, which I think is like 90 % likely, but I saw this story, I believe in the middle of the night last night.

[67] And he's, I believe if it's the same story, this priest signed these letters, Joyce, which is the most hilarious, unless it's a different letter writing priest, but I can't imagine that it is.

[68] I mean, coincidence.

[69] There's a coincidence that we talked about that we want to hear from you.

[70] We love coincidences.

[71] Are they just coincidences?

[72] Oh, Steven's got the answer.

[73] Okay.

[74] We already forgot about.

[75] Is this Zerescape?

[76] Yeah, Zerescape.

[77] It's basically like if you want to not use tons of water.

[78] It's like rocks and...

[79] Oh, well, congratulations.

[80] That's what I said.

[81] Did I say it wrong?

[82] I don't remember what you said.

[83] I said water resistant.

[84] Oh, good.

[85] But you meant drought resistant.

[86] Thank you.

[87] What you meant was drought resistant.

[88] Thank you.

[89] Good job.

[90] I really wanted it to be weird green giraffes.

[91] I wanted you to be right.

[92] Thanks.

[93] I really did.

[94] I did not want you to be right.

[95] Well, thank you.

[96] Okay.

[97] This one's called More Reasons to Lock Your Fucking Door.

[98] Great.

[99] Okay.

[100] Hi, everyone.

[101] Hi.

[102] Hi.

[103] Oh, sorry.

[104] Hi.

[105] My husband and I got our first apartment together in 2011 in Kansas City.

[106] It was a very small one -bedroom ground floor unit with a walk -out patio.

[107] It was in a much more urban area than my husband, a man from rural Arkansas, was used to.

[108] He had, I had to constantly remind him to lock the door, something he thought was overkill.

[109] Oh.

[110] I'm locking the door being overkill.

[111] Hey, let's not show off and be all crazy with the door locks.

[112] Look, it's, you only get so many locks a year.

[113] Right.

[114] One afternoon, my husband returned home from work.

[115] He was startled by a frantic knock on the front door.

[116] He jumped up and looked through the peephole to see our across the hall neighbor looking very anxious.

[117] My husband, being a kind Southern man, opened the door.

[118] Something, a cold northern woman such as myself would never have done.

[119] A neighbor burst in the apartment, and my husband immediately realized something was really wrong.

[120] The neighbor was frantically looking out the sliding glass door.

[121] He asked to borrow a phone saying that he needed to call 911.

[122] The neighbor began to explain to the dispatcher that upon coming home from work that day, he heard noises in the storage closet.

[123] Each apartment had a small closet attached to the patio or deck that was only accessible from the outside.

[124] Okay.

[125] Do you get it?

[126] You're there and your mind?

[127] Yes, I think so.

[128] Kind of like your old patio.

[129] Yes.

[130] So if there was like a, yeah.

[131] The neighbor walked to his sliding glass door and began to pull the blinds seeing what looked like a person running away from his patio.

[132] He went outside and opened the storage closet to discover that someone had clearly broken the lock and had been living there.

[133] What?

[134] Empty vodka bottles, cigarette butts, fast food containers, and his patio furniture cushions made into a bed.

[135] Someone had been partying there.

[136] Yeah.

[137] Living and partying are very different.

[138] moments later the police arrived with sirens on they quickly began taping off the area as several more cars arrived the police spoke to my husband and the neighbor asking them to recall anyone and everything they'd seen after a good 30 minutes my husband was asked if he'd be willing to let them look in our storage closet he led the officers over and opened the door which my husband had left unlocked all caps inside was the same scene as our neighbors he sent me a text message that started okay so you were right about locking the doors we were asked To please be alert and told there would be police in our parking lot until this person was caught.

[139] It seemed like a lot for a pretty basic break -in.

[140] The next day, we were told by the management company that a serial arsonist was suspected to have been hiding in our complex.

[141] And the police were working to capture this individual.

[142] With a little research, we found out that this person was suspected of setting fires in at least two other complexes in our area causing millions of dollars in damage and injury to multiple people.

[143] Shit.

[144] Needless to say, we moved.

[145] okay now you ready for this line but not before subletting to a friend of mine that we never told oh my god evil maybe cost effective absolutely stay sexy and lock your fucking storage closet s friend no yeah good friend shit yeah it was like seemed like overkill for someone just like camping out right but fucking arson arson and also just like if your house is the house where the arson fire starts right Oh, right.

[146] What a nightmare.

[147] Wow.

[148] Okay.

[149] I'm not going to be the subject line of this one.

[150] Hi, friends.

[151] And then in parentheses, simple, inclusive to the point.

[152] When I was 10 years old, my parents took my 13 -year -old sister and I to Charlotte, North Carolina, for a week over summer vacation.

[153] We were staying at a palatial estate right on the Lake Norman that was owned by one of my dad's business partners.

[154] One morning in the middle of our stay, I woke up to find a note from my parents.

[155] saying that they had gone out for a morning walk.

[156] My sister was asleep in one of the bedrooms on the third floor, palatial, remember?

[157] Oh, hoity -toid.

[158] Richie Rich.

[159] I decided to help myself to a snack and investigate the television situation.

[160] No sooner had I walked into the den slash living room situation, then I heard the front door being unlocked.

[161] I was about to call out for my parents when I heard distinctly southern voices talking about disarming the alarm system and how, Quote, the owners are out of town all month.

[162] It quickly clicked in my 10 -year -old brain that this house had been cased and some burglars were looking to rob it while the owners were out of town.

[163] That's some home -alone shit right here.

[164] This is home -alone.

[165] While my first instinct was to go get my sister, this staircase was past the front door and I'd risk being seen.

[166] I immediately thought of calling the cops, but I didn't even know the address or the location of the house, let alone have a cell phone.

[167] This was 2002.

[168] Also, I'm 10.

[169] Thinking I could find one return.

[170] address.

[171] I think they meant thinking I could find a return address on one.

[172] I located a stack of bills rifling through them frantically as the voices started getting closer.

[173] Eventually I decided to drop down and hide, scooting behind an oversized armchair by the window.

[174] As I crouched down, I saw movement outside the window and noticed a team of landscapers with large shovels renovating the garden of the property next door.

[175] I tried waving and getting their attention.

[176] And when that ceased to do anything, I painstakingly inched up the window, inched by agonizing inch so as not to alert the burglars.

[177] She's so brave.

[178] I know.

[179] I would have been just screaming as a 10 year old or just like blanked out entirely.

[180] Yeah.

[181] Lots of planning, lots of like strategic thinking.

[182] I like it.

[183] I whispered yelled as desperately as I could.

[184] Help someone's in the house.

[185] Whisper yelling is the saddest.

[186] Help me. Help someone's in the house.

[187] And must have been convincing because they dropped their shovels and took off as did I. I sprinted to the front door where I was met with my confused parents, a team of sweaty landscapers and two sweet southern housekeepers who were there to do their weekly cleaning.

[188] Two, Jesus, this is a political state.

[189] The owners of the house had neglected to tell us to expect their cleaning team to be there.

[190] No. The six adults smiled and chuckled at the dramatic 10 -year -old in the oversized YMCA T -shirt, but later that day my parents were quick to applaud my quick thinking in the face of potential danger.

[191] Yeah.

[192] I'm still dramatic as fuck, but I'm also a great problem -solve.

[193] in high -stress situations.

[194] Yes.

[195] So fuck politeness, but also fuck pride, because I'd rather look dramatic than be dead.

[196] SSDGM, Blair.

[197] Yes, Blair.

[198] So good, Blair.

[199] You were right.

[200] Immediately thinking to find the address so you could, when you call 911, you'd have the address, is brilliant.

[201] And then finding a hiding place, too.

[202] Like, that's so hard when you're scared, right?

[203] Like, even when you're not scared, you're playing hide and seek, it's fucking impossible.

[204] And then whisper screaming.

[205] One of the hardest things you can do as a person.

[206] But then it turned out not.

[207] to me and everything was fine.

[208] Yeah, that's good.

[209] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[210] Absolutely.

[211] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[212] Exactly.

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[215] That's right.

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[225] important note that promo code is all lowercase go to shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today that's shopify .com slash murder goodbye okay I'm not going to read you the title of this okay ohoy hooy picture it Detroit in the early 1920s prohibition is in full effect but in Detroit the Canadian border provides a unique opportunity to smuggle hooch into Michigan via the water yes my great grandfather frank decided to make some extra money running booze across the border in his car and selling it to locals.

[226] He made a name for himself and unfortunately caught the attention of the notorious purple gang who ran the city.

[227] Eventually, a gang member murdered Frank, leaving my preteen grandfather as the new head of the household.

[228] How fucking crazy is that?

[229] That's super crazy.

[230] The story has been passed down through the family and I've heard it a hundred times.

[231] So my now husband mentioned the purple gang on a date.

[232] I know, great pillow talk.

[233] I couldn't wait to tell him my connection.

[234] Before I got the chance, though, he mentioned that his great -uncle Gus was a member of the gang.

[235] After talking with his parents, we learned that Gus was a lower member of the gang.

[236] I have no idea how gang hierarchy names work, who was in charge of the messy jobs, including ridding the city of the competition.

[237] There is literally no way to know for sure because the mom doesn't keep a diary.

[238] No. But it's not unlikely that Gus would have been responsible for offing Frank.

[239] Yes.

[240] I love being a part of this wonderful community.

[241] one of the first things I searched for when we got the internet as a kid was serial killers and now I'm not alone.

[242] Stay sexy and don't smuggle booze into Michigan, E. Oh, E. That is like the Romeo and Juliet of Michigan.

[243] Oh, my God.

[244] Your great -grandfather's uncles killed each other.

[245] Yeah.

[246] How crazy is that?

[247] Intense.

[248] I like it.

[249] I do.

[250] Well, let's go back even further.

[251] Hey.

[252] And the subject line of this email is, my ancestor was the shittiest dude on the Mayflower.

[253] Oh, my God.

[254] Hey, y 'all.

[255] My aunt is a genealogy hobbyist and discovered at some point that we're related to a few people on the Mayflower, including one John Billington, America's first messy bitch who loved drama.

[256] Amazing.

[257] John and his family were opportunistic, devout members of the Church of England, and were quite disgruntled to discover that their fellow passengers on the Mayflower were religious separatists.

[258] He was like, great.

[259] I'm stuck on a boat with all.

[260] heathen so naturally he decided to stir the pot before they'd even dropped anchor in plymouth john almost sank the damn boat by firing a gun near a barrel of gunpowder he also set fire to a cabin one time two question marks once on land john started to utter quote discontented and mutinous speeches about how their independent pilgrims who can do what they want he and some other non -separatists protested for a while until they acquiesced and signed a pact saying they would abide by colonial law.

[261] But did he?

[262] Of course not.

[263] John was a hot -ass mess and refused to be tamed by laws.

[264] He insulted the military commander and he was sentenced to, quote, public humiliation by tying his neck and feet together, which honestly, now I know how I inherited my kink.

[265] He's a blue blood with a kink.

[266] Oh my goodness.

[267] He had a few other feuds for no other reason besides being a real housewife before his time.

[268] But it all culminated with him.

[269] his neighbor, John Newcomen.

[270] When Billington came upon Newcomen in a field one day, presumably coining the phrase, this town ain't big enough for the two of us, Billington shot Newcomen dead.

[271] He was tried and hanged for the crime and thus became the first person in the Plymouth colony to be executed for murder.

[272] Wow.

[273] Family pride.

[274] Here's the article where I found most of this info, and there's a link, XOXO, Maggie.

[275] Wow.

[276] How amazing.

[277] Maggie, great writing.

[278] Good job, Maggie.

[279] It must be similar to the time my mom told me that my great grandfather was a crooked cop in San Francisco and was super rich because he just...

[280] He was on the take.

[281] He was on the take and he, in the like turn of the century.

[282] So there was plenty of money to be made in San Francisco at that time.

[283] And then he died first and his wife, who hated him, took all the money and donated it to the SPCA.

[284] I mean, good for her.

[285] So we could have been, we can have all been crooked rich bitches.

[286] up in the Bay Area, but instead, those goddamn dogs got to live.

[287] Email my favorite murder at gmail .com.

[288] That was Karen Kilgarious.

[289] We're all your upset dog emails.

[290] Okay, this is called a hometown, hometown haunting.

[291] Good old haunting.

[292] Okay.

[293] Hello, murder girls.

[294] And then in parentheses, it says, that's what I call you when I recap your shows to my husband every week.

[295] Oh.

[296] I live in a suburb, suburb?

[297] Probably.

[298] I live in a suburb north of Boston.

[299] Is it in Arizona?

[300] Cute New England town, but not exciting until about six months ago.

[301] A resident posted a question on a Facebook community page.

[302] Has anyone else seen the ghost in Market Basket?

[303] Apparently, this person noticed an elderly woman strangely out of place and dressed in Victorian -era clothing, wandering around the frozen food section of our local supermarket.

[304] The strange woman apparently vanished into thin air, leaving ghostly vibes and goosebumps in her wake.

[305] And for some reason, this Facebook post about the haunting went viral.

[306] Yeah, for some reason, it's the best.

[307] Like local and national news story, front page at the Boston Globe kind of viral.

[308] News vans and photographers showed up in the parking lot, and I was getting extra text from my friends asking if I needed a protein pack.

[309] Nope, a proton pack to go grocery shopping.

[310] Do you need a protein bar to go grocery shopping?

[311] I obviously need a protein right now.

[312] Some reporters connected her ghost to a Wilmington woman with a strange fixation on death.

[313] Her name was France Hiller.

[314] Her nickname was the lady of the cast.

[315] It's incredibly wealthy, thanks to her husband's medical career, France hired a contractor to build nesting coffins and sarcophagi for the two of them so that when they died, they could be laid to rest above ground.

[316] She had a fear of being buried underground.

[317] France used to dress up in her funeral clothes.

[318] Yes, she picked out her own funeral clothes.

[319] Wow.

[320] And go lie inside her coffin, gazing at herself in a mirror she had installed in the ceiling above.

[321] When her husband died, France remarried a much younger man and made him legally change his name to that of her late husband.

[322] What?

[323] And says, ah, sweet romance.

[324] She became the first woman to hold town office when she served a term on, I can't make this up, the cemetery committee.

[325] What?

[326] When France Hiller died in 1900, she joined her husband on their funeral mound above ground until their tombs began to leak and they had to be buried underground in the 1930s.

[327] Oh, she doesn't want that.

[328] No. No, she's, that's going to upset her ghost.

[329] That's classic haunting reasoning.

[330] This is the beginning of every haunted movie.

[331] That's right.

[332] Is France Miller the market basket ghost?

[333] If anyone's haunting my hometown, it's got to be her, a murderina before her time.

[334] She's probably pissed she ended up buried and she's taking it out on the frozen peas.

[335] Stay sexy and don't bother a ghost who's just trying to get the shopping done, Kate.

[336] Wow.

[337] creepy, right?

[338] Yeah, but also, I get, you know, she's obsessed with death and da -da -da and this and that.

[339] Then she marries a 24 -year -old.

[340] I feel like, lady, your problems are solved.

[341] How about living in the here and now?

[342] Yeah, you got a good.

[343] You got a good young man. That's right.

[344] Did you hear that thing where they were trying to make up a story about how Elizabeth Warren was having an affair with a 24 -year -old trainer?

[345] No. It's the funniest, dumbest fucking fake story.

[346] And it's just made everybody love Elizabeth Warren even more.

[347] Because you're like, get it, girl.

[348] They were like, somebody tweeted, like, how does she, she does four hours of selfies and then goes and has an affair with a 24 -year -old that she should be leading this country.

[349] smokes or bait to relax at night.

[350] Good.

[351] Yes, get it.

[352] Everybody get it.

[353] Get it and send it.

[354] My favorite murder at Gmail.

[355] And stay sexy.

[356] And don't get murdered.

[357] Goodbye.

[358] Elvis, you want a cookie?