Ryan Hansen

[0] Hello, everybody.

[1] Welcome to Armchair Expert.

[2] I'm Monica Padman.

[3] Across from me is Dax Shepard.

[4] Hi, Minnie Mouse.

[5] Hi, Polar Bear.

[6] Boy, we have a very special guest today.

[7] The most special we could ever have.

[8] He must be the most reference person on Armchair Expert, wouldn't you think?

[9] No, I think Kristen probably is the most reference, but he's top three.

[10] That makes sense.

[11] Yeah.

[12] Yeah, you think you're on to something there.

[13] Ryan Hansen.

[14] Started his illustrious career in Veronica Mars.

[15] You'll hear some, you know, debate about what that role was initially and what it became.

[16] Then he was on Party Down, which people love that.

[17] A real cult favorite, Party Down.

[18] Great show.

[19] Then he had like four of his own sitcoms.

[20] Oh, yeah.

[21] Bad teacher.

[22] He was in Bad Santa.

[23] Bad Santa, too.

[24] Yep.

[25] He did three or four things ever.

[26] But they weren't bad.

[27] They were good.

[28] Bads.

[29] Yes.

[30] And, uh, Of course, he is on Ryan Hanson solves crimes on TV, which is on YouTube in the second season, is now out.

[31] Just came out.

[32] Yeah.

[33] So check that out.

[34] Yeah, please.

[35] Just enjoy the most charismatic, physically able person will likely ever talk to.

[36] Get ready to fall in love.

[37] Yeah.

[38] Put on whatever pants you prefer to fall in love in.

[39] Yeah.

[40] Put those on.

[41] Get comfy.

[42] Pop on some meundies.

[43] You might need a second pair.

[44] Ryan Hansen.

[45] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to armchair expert early and ad free right now.

[46] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[47] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[48] He's an armchair expert.

[49] Love it so much.

[50] And here's the thing.

[51] I kind of hate that I know your wardrobe that.

[52] Oh, I haven't seen you wear that.

[53] I hate that.

[54] Oh, you hate it?

[55] I love it.

[56] It's a love it.

[57] It makes me feel like 7th, great girlfriend.

[58] I'm really paying attention, you know.

[59] Yeah.

[60] Like, we both know each other's outfits so well in case we need to borrow something for somebody.

[61] Yeah.

[62] For like a dance or a date and a green striped shirt you're wearing.

[63] Oh, ooh, I was going to wear it.

[64] But yeah, you take it.

[65] You take it.

[66] Just don't spill anything on it, okay?

[67] Absolutely not.

[68] And then you spill something on it.

[69] And then the next two acts of the movie, are you trying to replace it?

[70] It writes itself.

[71] Did you, are you old enough to have seen Can't Buy me love, my favorite movie ever.

[72] Oh, God, I'm so young.

[73] God, you're so young.

[74] I have seen it, but I did see it like maybe in the last 10 years.

[75] Oh, okay, so not in your youth.

[76] Am I 10 years older than you?

[77] How old are you?

[78] I think I'm, okay, let's see this a little fast math.

[79] I'm 37.

[80] Oh, you're 37, so I'm seven years older than you.

[81] I'm 44.

[82] I love that you guys edit these because it actually took you 10 minutes to figure out, but you just going to sound like he did it.

[83] Son of a bitch.

[84] That fast math is just edited math.

[85] Listen, Ryan's here to do one single thing, expose me for all my tricks.

[86] Yeah, you brought, I just want to paint a picture for everyone so they know what happened.

[87] You came in and you have a gigantic box of Starbucks coffee.

[88] You have some coffee cake and an old -fashioned donut.

[89] That's yours.

[90] That's right.

[91] Well, no, it's not mine.

[92] For sharing.

[93] It's for everyone, yeah.

[94] Oh, I thought I heard you say that's for me. They're my favorite.

[95] Oh, well, that's a polite way to say that's for me. Guys, can I just say real quick?

[96] Say.

[97] What an honor.

[98] This is, I'm serious, it is an honor to be here.

[99] Is it?

[100] I am such a fan of this show.

[101] And I am nervous because I'm a fan of the show and I'm on it.

[102] And I, and I love you guys so much.

[103] And I see you every other day, maybe every day.

[104] And so I'm big fans of you guys.

[105] I'm going to say best friends.

[106] And I just blew by that really quick.

[107] But we're best friends.

[108] Yeah.

[109] And you're the only adult male that I spend the night at your house.

[110] Well, I'm glad you're not horring it up and just spending it out of every male's house.

[111] Yeah, no, I can tell you that you're the only male friend's house.

[112] You haven't spent the night at our house.

[113] We haven't?

[114] Ours isn't as accommodating as your house.

[115] You're much wealthier than us and have a much bigger home.

[116] Listen, this Bitcoin thing really paid off for us.

[117] You got in at the right time.

[118] No, you guys are so, are you kidding?

[119] We just don't.

[120] We just don't do it.

[121] Well, but in actuality, it would be hard for you and your three children to get comfy at our house with only three bedrooms.

[122] It's just not as spacious as what.

[123] When we go to your house, there's so many.

[124] Pick a room.

[125] Pick a room.

[126] It gets their own room.

[127] Like Tracy Morgan.

[128] Have you heard about his house?

[129] No, what's up with Trace?

[130] I guess his house has like a hundred bedrooms or something.

[131] He was on Stern talking about...

[132] A hundred bedrooms.

[133] You know what's funny is when I was trying to remember his name.

[134] my first impulse was to do an impersonation of him, and then I stop myself.

[135] No, let's just talk, though, for a second.

[136] To do a generalized black guy voice, clearly dicey and you shouldn't do it.

[137] But when his voice is that specific, it's not actually, you're not mimicking his blackness.

[138] You're mimicking his Tracy Morgan.

[139] That's right.

[140] That is true.

[141] I think there's a distinction to be made from his Britney Spears sketch.

[142] Do you remember when she was the host of Serent Live?

[143] Okay, yeah.

[144] And he's doing that Tracy Morgan in space sketch.

[145] You remember that?

[146] Yes, yes, yes.

[147] And he goes, why don't you both out of that green space suit and show me that fad ass?

[148] That's so good.

[149] That was great.

[150] You go.

[151] Okay.

[152] The one I go to is when he's on the news.

[153] Oh, okay.

[154] And he, I'm going to do a mating call.

[155] I'm going to get somebody pregnant.

[156] It's not very good.

[157] It's pretty good.

[158] It's pretty good.

[159] I'm not going to rate that.

[160] Have you seen that when he's on live on the news and he had just come from a strip club or something and he's banging on his belly.

[161] And he's talking about getting someone pregnant.

[162] He's very cool.

[163] He's the best.

[164] He's the best.

[165] But, you know, he, some undisclosed amount of money from the accident he was in with the Walmart truck.

[166] It has to be in the hundreds of millions because on Stern, he was talking about he owns a Bugatti Veyron.

[167] He has some 80 ,000 square foot house.

[168] He has a G5 airplane.

[169] Yes.

[170] He's bought like $100 million to stop.

[171] So he's saying it was worth it.

[172] I don't think he was going that far.

[173] Okay, yes.

[174] But he does have quite a bit of money, apparently.

[175] Some coin.

[176] Yeah, we could definitely spend the night at his house.

[177] I hope he invites us.

[178] Trace.

[179] Well, once he hears that accent, we do.

[180] These guys.

[181] Okay, so let's just take a walk down memory lane.

[182] Let's, well, first let's talk about your anxiety level.

[183] Because you, what I think is really weird about you is I say this, objectively, Monica will back me up.

[184] You're the most charismatic human being I've ever met in my life.

[185] And I've met a couple hundred thousand people at this point.

[186] That's a lot of people.

[187] The most charismatic person.

[188] Come on.

[189] All right.

[190] No. I'll take it because I'm in the attic.

[191] Number one.

[192] You're the number one most charismatic person.

[193] And yet you had all this anxiety about coming on the show.

[194] Well, yeah.

[195] Because you have a narrative, which is what, that you're bad at?

[196] At articulating what I want to say.

[197] Like you think you're a bad storyteller.

[198] Yeah.

[199] that half of the day with you is you telling stories that land.

[200] So it's very confusing to me that you have this opinion of yourself.

[201] I'm very fearful about it because I hate when I'm trapped in a story, someone's telling me a story, and I'm bored out of my mind.

[202] And I'm like, oh my God, this person's still, I'm so fearful of being that guy.

[203] Oh, sure.

[204] And when we're just hanging, it's like, who cares?

[205] Like, we're all, I'm not telling these long stories.

[206] Right.

[207] It's part of Ryan's charm, though, because he's also a little bit self -deprecating about everything.

[208] I'm a lot self -deprecating.

[209] That is true.

[210] You do, but it's, it's sweet because it's always totally unfounded.

[211] Well, I'm going to get to what I think is a Machiavellian part of his self -deprecation.

[212] Machiavellian, that's a Tupac's alter ego.

[213] Exactly, exactly.

[214] I'm going to unveil that, I think, a little later.

[215] Okay.

[216] Because I'm making us wait for it.

[217] He's playing, he also cleverly plays a role.

[218] And I had one other friend growing up that played the same role.

[219] And in retrospect, it was the most genius.

[220] role you could play, which is if you say you're dumb all the time out loud, people will expect nothing from you.

[221] Like, if Amy were to come home and you were making a meatloaf in a blender, she would just go, oh, yeah, he doesn't even know, he doesn't know how to do that.

[222] And you would smile cute.

[223] And you really don't have to be held accountable for anything.

[224] Okay.

[225] And I want to know how calculated it is, because you're very smart.

[226] And yet you're, you kind of, the thing you profess is that you're dumb and you don't know you couldn't get through school and all these things.

[227] But I don't buy it.

[228] You don't navigate the world the way you have as a dumb dumb.

[229] I know I'm not dumb.

[230] I'm definitely not book smart.

[231] That's that I know that.

[232] I'm that's not my thing.

[233] I don't have like these, these like, you know, think research, you know, things to pull from.

[234] So I know that.

[235] So I know that.

[236] But I know that.

[237] Hold on.

[238] Let's just pause real quick.

[239] No, you can talk.

[240] do we know like Monica's getting protective of you but but i'm not going to let you blow by something sure okay okay i'm not going to let you blow by something so are you bad at school and bad at book smarts or did you early on just go like i don't enjoy this and now i'm going to say i suck at it and then no one will expect me to really do anything because it could not if it could just be you just didn't enjoy it like a lot of folks didn't enjoy it no no i'm i'm pretty bad at it you are yeah oh yeah i'll read something and have no idea what I just read you know as a dyslexic I didn't understand anything I read either I mean sometimes it was like four passes over a paragraph before I like understood what was going on yeah yeah so I just took one pass nope don't get that and moving on but do you think you were just not focusing on it like anyone can just read words and it not go through you have to make sure you're focusing on it like maybe your brain was just somewhere else well right that is for sure I love to have a good time and have a, and I want to only have a good time.

[241] Yes, that was your main focus.

[242] And that's exactly, Monica, what I was going to say, which is we now know that you, like, your show, Ryan Hanson solves crimes on television, available on YouTube premium.

[243] I think.

[244] That's what it's called now.

[245] Yeah, YouTube premium.

[246] All three of us have been on that program.

[247] Oh, yeah.

[248] That's right.

[249] Spoiler alert.

[250] Spoiler alert.

[251] You, on any given day on that show, often had like 14 pages of dialogue.

[252] Yeah.

[253] So you clearly have the skill to read something, understand it, because you're going to have to now relay the intention of that paragraph in front of a camera.

[254] Yeah.

[255] And you have to memorize 14 pages.

[256] Uh -huh.

[257] I see what you're saying.

[258] It's a little incongruous.

[259] Like, you can't have been that bad at it and yet this good at the text of a script.

[260] I don't think that memorizing a script is the same thing as being like, look smart.

[261] being good at school.

[262] But you're doing more than memorizing it because you are understanding what the intention of that bit of dialogue is.

[263] So if your partner says, we can't, we're going to break the rules.

[264] And you go, no, because blank, blank, blank.

[265] You have to understand what you're really trying to say or you couldn't be an actor.

[266] I got to go back to school, guys.

[267] What if I convinced you to go back that was the end result of all this?

[268] I think it would be, if there was a subject that I cared about, I think I would dive in now.

[269] And, like, it would be great.

[270] Right.

[271] But I don't care about anything.

[272] Now, how, if you were that bad, how did you graduate?

[273] Was it, did you barely graduate?

[274] No, I graduated fine.

[275] Okay.

[276] Do you remember what your grade point was?

[277] I'm sure it was C's.

[278] Okay.

[279] Yeah, so fine.

[280] Yeah, that's what I graduated with.

[281] And you were dumb.

[282] You were dumb.

[283] You were dumbie.

[284] I think the downfall started in sixth grade.

[285] Okay.

[286] Because I had moved to San Diego in sixth grade.

[287] From.

[288] From San Jose.

[289] Oh, right.

[290] Right.

[291] Born in Fountain Valley.

[292] Where's Fountain Valley?

[293] That's Orange County.

[294] Oh, right.

[295] I was about five years old.

[296] Dad got a new job.

[297] He's a pastor.

[298] Uh -huh.

[299] Up to San Jose.

[300] So we lived in Campbell.

[301] And he's specifically a music pasture, right?

[302] Pasture.

[303] Did you do you do?

[304] I did say pastor, yeah.

[305] Pastor, right?

[306] Yes.

[307] So he...

[308] Music minister.

[309] So he does like the choir.

[310] He does the plays.

[311] He does all the arrangements and all that.

[312] He does the performing, the worship, all that stuff.

[313] Yeah.

[314] So can he, can he, write and read music?

[315] He can definitely read music.

[316] More of an arranger.

[317] I don't know if he writes anything.

[318] Okay.

[319] And what, does he play instruments?

[320] He's a pianist.

[321] And so, giant penis.

[322] Growing up.

[323] He's actually a little guy, so he's a little penis.

[324] Well.

[325] Burn, Dad.

[326] 5 -7.

[327] Take that, Dad.

[328] Oh, my God.

[329] I'm so glad you just brought up your height.

[330] My favorite moment between Ryan and I, maybe ever.

[331] But at one point, your friend and who you always call your cousin, Peter.

[332] Peter Hansen.

[333] Yeah, he's not really his cousin.

[334] What's his last name?

[335] Hansen.

[336] Okay.

[337] Okay.

[338] Love you, Peter.

[339] Shout out.

[340] Another big shout out.

[341] What if you just did two hours of shoutouts?

[342] You give a shout out to Peter and Lindsay.

[343] They live in Chicago now.

[344] What's up, baby?

[345] So Peter was over.

[346] We were at your old house on Biloxi.

[347] Yeah.

[348] And the topic of our height came up.

[349] Peter and I's like, oh, who's taller?

[350] Because he and I are roughly the exact same height.

[351] And I think you'd love to talk about height.

[352] Yeah, go ahead.

[353] Okay.

[354] And so.

[355] So I think either he was referring to himself as 6 -3 and me 6 -2 or vice versa.

[356] Yeah.

[357] But we were the same height.

[358] So we were like, oh, well, who's right?

[359] Yes.

[360] So we decided to measure ourselves, the three of us.

[361] And it turned out that Peter and I were the exact same height at 6 -2 and a half.

[362] Yeah.

[363] Okay.

[364] Then you measured yourself and you, your whole life have been.

[365] Well, I think I said like, oh, you guys are, yeah, I'm six foot.

[366] You're like, I think you said, like, no, you're not.

[367] I was like, yeah, I am.

[368] You were definitely like, I'm six foot.

[369] And the way you were saying it was, which is great, because you're the nicest person I've ever met in my life.

[370] Yet there's only, there's two zones where you'll get cranky.

[371] You have a competitive streak, which is lovely.

[372] I really do.

[373] To see that side of you during a game of horse is really fun.

[374] But I could tell right when you said, I'm six foot, that this was a zone that I should be careful around.

[375] So you measured yourself and as it turned out, you were 5 .11.

[376] For that measuring tape and that wall we were, it was...

[377] That's not the best part of the story.

[378] So it's revealed that you're not six foot.

[379] You're 5 -11.

[380] And then 40 minutes later, I'm in the living room and I see Ryan walking through like the dining room into the kitchen.

[381] And he goes, six foot.

[382] Like, he was talking to himself.

[383] Whenever I'm six foot.

[384] Whenever someone asked me if I have to write it down on paper, I am six fucking foot, baby.

[385] Because you know what?

[386] Who doesn't wear shoes?

[387] Right.

[388] Who doesn't wear shoes?

[389] No, it's not a lift.

[390] It's just shoes on them six foot with shoes.

[391] Listen, you do like to debunk everyone's height.

[392] He says that about me too because I'm five feet.

[393] Not a chance.

[394] And I am.

[395] Is there a measuring tape here, Rob?

[396] No. Oh, well, we're just kind of take my word for it.

[397] I'm six foot because there's, and you're five foot.

[398] Yes.

[399] Oh, boy.

[400] And I'm 511.

[401] So, okay, back to your.

[402] Yeah, so, okay, so Fountain Valley.

[403] moved up to San Jose.

[404] We lived in Campbell.

[405] You have an older brother.

[406] I have an older brother.

[407] Love him so much.

[408] I love my brother, Jay, so much.

[409] How much older is he?

[410] He's just like two years, right?

[411] Solid, right?

[412] And you guys wrestled every day growing up, right?

[413] Very physical boys, wild boys?

[414] Uh, wrestled.

[415] Torture would come to mind.

[416] He'd beat the shit out of you, right?

[417] The living shit on me every day, which I, I love it.

[418] I loved it.

[419] I think I loved it.

[420] You did?

[421] Well, I hated it.

[422] But we, we had so much fun together.

[423] he would beat the shit out of him he'd pin me down do that you know spit on you the knees on the um on my shoulders and just like this balls are in my face he just tapping on my forehead or spitting on me yeah you have older brother oh yeah five five years older so was that do you feel like that was like more of a gap so he didn't do that as much to you or oh no 24 seven yeah he was beating my ass now he would disagree uh respectfully i will disagree with him but yes we were engaged in fisticuffs for the first 12 years in my life every day all day god you love that That word fisticuffs.

[424] I really do.

[425] It's one of your words.

[426] Now, where does that come from?

[427] Fistacuffs.

[428] That word?

[429] I don't know.

[430] You can make it up?

[431] No. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[432] A saying.

[433] Is it fist a word?

[434] It's one word.

[435] Yeah, fistacuffs, one word.

[436] Pistakuffs.

[437] Yeah, do you want me to look it up?

[438] That's one of his words.

[439] What are your words?

[440] I have, yeah.

[441] Or I have like, you know, what's up?

[442] I'm always saying like, what up?

[443] Fistacuffs.

[444] What are yours?

[445] You have a couple.

[446] I think I do, but.

[447] I think this, this platform really exposes you on your, It does.

[448] Yeah, we all listen and know what you guys.

[449] You're going to run out of words eventually.

[450] Yeah, if you talk for a couple hundred hours, you're going to repeat yourself.

[451] So fisticuffs, fighting with the fists.

[452] The result, and here's a sentence, the result was an outbreak of fistacuffs.

[453] Okay.

[454] Now we know.

[455] You use it correctly.

[456] Yeah.

[457] You know, I'm resentful that my brother beat me up so often.

[458] But I'm also grateful because it made me a very good wrestler.

[459] Like, by the time I started fighting kids my own age, I was like, oh, this is easy.

[460] I'm telling you, if I knew I was going to, uh, scrap or something with someone who didn't have brothers.

[461] I knew it was game on for me. Right.

[462] I had Jay training me every day.

[463] And he was bigger than you, right?

[464] He's a big boy, yeah.

[465] He's a lot bigger than me. I'm a little taller.

[466] He's a little over six foot.

[467] Yeah, just about, just about.

[468] In high school, and I love telling people that don't know you this about you.

[469] This is pretty much what I lead with, is that you are, and I'll get this wrong because you always correct me, but the gist of it is you were the captain of the football team on defense.

[470] Is that accurate so far?

[471] It is.

[472] May I say that we, there was probably four of us captains.

[473] Okay.

[474] So it's not the captain, but there's four of us.

[475] Still a captain of the football team.

[476] And we were terrible.

[477] Okay.

[478] Right.

[479] So there's that.

[480] There's self -deprecation coming in.

[481] No, no. Straight up.

[482] We were terrible.

[483] I think two or three games might say, but we did win homecoming, which was a big deal.

[484] Yeah.

[485] And I was on court, so it's like, whatever.

[486] Were you king?

[487] No, I didn't.

[488] No, you don't.

[489] want to be king you should be on court oh tell me that i don't i never been on either okay so during half time all the players go to the locker room and they have like a big meeting well i had to go on the float oh me and me and my my best friend in high school jeremy dent he was also on court how many people were on court there's four four couples oh okay four guys and the king and the queen so three backups a lot of people play football you know there's several people that have come in here have been football stars.

[490] Simultaneously to your football career, you were also on the cheer squad.

[491] That's right.

[492] I love it.

[493] Monica, here we go, baby.

[494] Here we go.

[495] So it wasn't, okay, guys, it wasn't cheer for high school.

[496] It was an all -star squad?

[497] All -star.

[498] Okay.

[499] Delineate the difference.

[500] Now, an all -star squad would be like...

[501] Like a traveling soccer team.

[502] It's not really...

[503] Exactly.

[504] Yeah, I think soccer would be, that's called like club soccer, and this is all -star squad.

[505] So it's like all the best ones, you have to try out or whatever, to be on it.

[506] It's a big deal.

[507] They're doing crazy stuff.

[508] So the way I got in it, though, was my girlfriend in high school, Jessica.

[509] What's up, Jess?

[510] What's up, Jess.

[511] Big shout out to Jeff.

[512] She was on this All -Star Squad.

[513] Okay.

[514] And I would go to, she was older than me. So I'd go and, like, hang out at the gym and whatever.

[515] And then, you know, after practices, I'd go, like, tumble because I could do backflips before I was a cheerleader.

[516] Already.

[517] Yeah.

[518] Because this is another defining characteristic of yours is that you can do backflips.

[519] And you'll do them anywhere.

[520] I'll do it right fucking here.

[521] Yes, I know you will.

[522] This place might fall, but yeah.

[523] So anyway, so I could do a backflip.

[524] And so I pick her up and the coaches would be like, dude, you got it.

[525] Come on, dude, cheer, because I was a little bigger.

[526] I was, you know, I was a football guy.

[527] And there was a co -ed cheer squad.

[528] And I'm like, yeah, right.

[529] Now, when you were being urged to join the squad, you must have having an older brother and being in a jockey kind of world, were you a little bit like, I can't do that.

[530] That's emasculating.

[531] So no. Okay.

[532] Absolutely not.

[533] Oh, good.

[534] That's great.

[535] I just didn't think it was for me because I was doing, I grew up doing choir and ensemble and, which is like singing and dancing.

[536] And that's largely because of your dad's involvement in the church.

[537] Yes, my mom led all the choir through all the church.

[538] Since we were like, you know, toddlers, we were in choir.

[539] Okay.

[540] And then once I got to high school, some friends from church were doing the, the ensemble.

[541] at school, which was kind of cool at the time.

[542] Mm -hmm.

[543] And, like, some of the cool kids would do it.

[544] And so I...

[545] This is in San Diego.

[546] This is in San Diego.

[547] Yeah, I went to Valhalla High School.

[548] Shout out.

[549] Valhalla Norsemen.

[550] The Norsemen.

[551] They did a thing.

[552] They did a Scandinavian call.

[553] Norsemen.

[554] The men of the North.

[555] They miss their opportunity with Valhalla Vikings, though.

[556] What's going on?

[557] Right.

[558] There must have been a Vikings in the district.

[559] There wasn't.

[560] But, but, but, kind of a surprise to me. I don't, I didn't know a ton about San Diego until I met you.

[561] And again, maybe it's anecdotal because that was your circle.

[562] But San Diego, kind of a wholesome Christian pocket of California, wouldn't you agree?

[563] Or was it just your guys' circle?

[564] I don't think necessarily that San Diego is.

[565] No. Oh, okay.

[566] I don't think so.

[567] Most of my friends in high school were not going to church.

[568] Oh, they were?

[569] No. Oh, okay.

[570] They were all my football buddies.

[571] Because so many of your friends in adulthood who.

[572] made the journey with you are.

[573] Yeah.

[574] I got rid of the other guys.

[575] They're all going to hell.

[576] Right.

[577] Right.

[578] Yeah.

[579] One of the times when we were friends as adults, you took me back to San Diego and I watched this huge production of a that was a Christian -themed Christmas show, wasn't it?

[580] Yeah, yeah.

[581] Like the players were Christian performers.

[582] So that is Amy's family.

[583] Your wife?

[584] My wife, Amy.

[585] I almost did a bore out.

[586] I'm so glad I didn't.

[587] Oh, boy.

[588] Like, we're done with that, right?

[589] Yeah.

[590] Although we're just on the precipice of it coming back.

[591] Yeah, you could be the one.

[592] Like Ben there, done that.

[593] Yeah.

[594] So her family started the largest children's theater company in the nation.

[595] It's called CYT Christian Youth Theater.

[596] And I found out about it when I went to high school.

[597] I get to high school, Valhalla High School.

[598] And I auditioned for the ensemble.

[599] And Jason is a senior.

[600] Amy's brother is a senior in high school and he's leading the audition.

[601] Okay.

[602] He's like directing?

[603] Yes.

[604] Oh wow.

[605] Yes.

[606] So he's always been like a leader.

[607] He's not directing but he's He is in charge.

[608] He is in charge.

[609] And we become best buds.

[610] And a freshman and a senior is really weird for become best friends.

[611] Yes.

[612] What were you attracted to in him?

[613] He blew my mind.

[614] Like he really opened up so many, like musical theater.

[615] I didn't really know what that was.

[616] I did choir, but I didn't know a music theater was and he showed me all these plays and like musicals and like different kinds of music Dave Matthews band like I was like you know shitty punk music right like ska punk and um but then we connected on that and so he would go to like ska shows with me and we'd go to like real big fish and like we and maybe because he had a car I don't know well also did you think he was like super talented and charismatic and he wanted what he had he was so all of that yeah all of that he was so talented on stage and he could do all this stuff and he was a leader he was like like the king of what it was their theater company, CYT.

[617] Right.

[618] So he took me, took me to CYT.

[619] Is that when you started performing in plays and stuff?

[620] Yes.

[621] Yes.

[622] So I went back to Jason's house.

[623] We became buds.

[624] And then I met Janie, his sister.

[625] You fell in love with all of his sisters.

[626] I fell in love with every single one.

[627] Jamie was one grade older than me. We started dating.

[628] That's Amy's sister.

[629] Felt her up.

[630] Oh, my goodness.

[631] Paul and Carol.

[632] off the radio, I felt both of her titties.

[633] I'm pretty sure.

[634] All two of them?

[635] All two.

[636] And I think it was over the bra under the shirt, which is still pretty cool.

[637] Yeah, I remember my first over the bra under the shirt experience.

[638] It was at a basketball game at Highland Junior High.

[639] I was in sixth grade.

[640] My girlfriend was in eighth grade.

[641] And she invited me to do it.

[642] She invited me to feel her boobs.

[643] But when I got under that sweater, and I felt how tight.

[644] tight and snug that braw was against the skin, I really thought, if I work my hand under that brazier, it's going to be very painful for her.

[645] I was very worried about how much that was going to pull.

[646] What a gentleman.

[647] And I never, and then I just, then I was just kind of roaming around the padded braw and that felt bizarre.

[648] And I knew I really wasn't doing what she had asked me to.

[649] And then I was like, should I try to come up over the top of it and go down in and kind of scoop?

[650] But we were at, maybe just pop the nipple out.

[651] Well, I would have, yeah, that would have been a great idea.

[652] But again, we were at a, we were at a live basketball game.

[653] Oh my gosh.

[654] In the bleachers.

[655] We're like making out and I had my hand up.

[656] But if I would have gone like this all the way over the top to come up from the top, I would have probably exposed everything.

[657] So anyways, point is.

[658] You also would have probably broke her bra.

[659] If I, if you, if you came down the top and it was pushing out.

[660] Yeah, it might break.

[661] And those, those brassiers can be quite pricey.

[662] Thank you.

[663] So that you don't want to do that.

[664] Right.

[665] Right.

[666] bucks sometimes.

[667] Really?

[668] Sometimes.

[669] Suffice to say you like girls right away, right?

[670] Oh boy, did I?

[671] Me too.

[672] Yeah, I fell hard quite quite a bit.

[673] I will say about Janie real quick and she would want me to say this.

[674] Big shout out to Janie.

[675] She dumped my ass.

[676] So yeah, let's just get that.

[677] How long were you guys together?

[678] Two months, two solid months.

[679] That's a pretty long time.

[680] And she was like, she basically made me choose her or Jason.

[681] Oh, really?

[682] Bros before hose.

[683] Boy, did he blow my mind, though?

[684] And I think my parents thought we were gay.

[685] Uh -huh.

[686] And maybe you were just a little bit.

[687] Yeah, we didn't experiment enough, I don't think.

[688] Well, as you know, my best friend, Aaron and I used to snuggle and stuff.

[689] Like, we were, by all accounts, you would definitely deduce we were gay.

[690] Yeah.

[691] My mom would come in my bedroom in the morning.

[692] We'd be snuggling asleep.

[693] Yeah.

[694] I mean, with their clothes on.

[695] Sure.

[696] So did other bros know that you guys would, like, snuggle?

[697] Or was it just kind of like, we're saying the night?

[698] Like, whatever.

[699] Well, and let me just be clear.

[700] We didn't snuggle every night, but we did sometimes snuggle.

[701] It was more like we'd be talking, looking at something, and then I don't even really know how it all happened.

[702] But you've seen us together.

[703] If we're together, we're touching.

[704] We have to be touching.

[705] So if we go to a restaurant, it starts with, like, my arms behind him on a booth.

[706] And then before you know, he, like, lays on my shoulder or vice versa.

[707] We just love touching each other.

[708] Yeah.

[709] That's special.

[710] That's nice.

[711] It's nice.

[712] Yeah, never sexual, but love.

[713] touching him.

[714] I love it.

[715] But anyways, very, very interesting, unique route through high school, which is you were doing theater, singing and dancing.

[716] That's like, seems to be one road someone would be on, like singing and dancing.

[717] Right.

[718] And that person's just generally not on the football team.

[719] Right.

[720] And then that person's just generally not on the cheer squad.

[721] That's for sure.

[722] Yeah.

[723] It was definitely weird that I was on the cheer, and I will say that was only for one of the seasons.

[724] It was my, I think it was my senior year.

[725] and it was only for like, I don't know, four months.

[726] Okay.

[727] What a blast.

[728] I've never been more nervous in my life than nationals.

[729] Yeah, that's about to go out in Florida.

[730] Oh, by the way, so, so how I got on the team, the coaches were like, dude, come on.

[731] Like, yeah, right.

[732] And then the next season, like, we need you, we'll pay for everything.

[733] Come do it.

[734] I'm like, hey.

[735] Oh, my God, you had a full ride.

[736] Oh, yeah.

[737] Oh, wow.

[738] Yeah, they're hurting for guys.

[739] And guys are so dumb.

[740] It's the chicks.

[741] It's just chik's either gay dudes or like two straight guys.

[742] Right.

[743] It's great.

[744] Sometimes you got to grab me. grab them by the pussy.

[745] Catch them by the pussy.

[746] Oh, I'm sorry, catch them by the pussy.

[747] I had a couple digits disappear.

[748] Yeah, see?

[749] See it?

[750] But you got to do what you got to do.

[751] Did you?

[752] Well, because I asked Monica, like, did you ever get caught by the anus or pussy?

[753] And she said, yeah, of course.

[754] That happens.

[755] Did that happen to you as the catcher ever?

[756] Yeah.

[757] Yeah.

[758] But you're not thinking, but you're like really performing and like, of course.

[759] And nail it.

[760] So it's not even that cool, unfortunately.

[761] You are right.

[762] guys are stupid because you still get to spend all your time with a whole bunch of cute girls and cute small tiny shorts very tot yeah if you can't get some conversation going on those bus rides and stuff oh that's when it all goes down yeah the even the plane ride yeah you guys flew to florida we're on ESPN no yeah stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[763] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[764] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[765] And I don't mean just friends.

[766] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[767] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[768] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[769] We've all been there.

[770] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating thoughts, body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

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[778] So you liked acting and you were doing that, right?

[779] And then let's just also say that you, sometime after Janie dumps you, you start dating her kids.

[780] sister, Amy Hansen.

[781] Okay, a couple things here.

[782] I did not fall in love with acting then.

[783] Okay.

[784] Because I was definitely like background chorus.

[785] I was like, uh, never really a lead.

[786] You liked attention.

[787] Who doesn't like attention?

[788] Well, some people don't, but I love it.

[789] I think everyone does.

[790] They just want it in different ways.

[791] Yeah, that's probably true.

[792] Really?

[793] Because some attention makes me like embarrassed and a little, well, not, that's not true.

[794] No, I've, yeah.

[795] Tell me when that's happened in the last 11 years.

[796] I miss that.

[797] I just I think some people do hate attention.

[798] Like they don't want to be looked at.

[799] They don't want to be fussed over.

[800] It just makes them super insecure and uncomfortable.

[801] But some people, no. Look, I don't think that you like attention for the same reason that other people like attention.

[802] I feel like you just like being fun.

[803] Well, you don't, it's not about the approval.

[804] But let's just make a distinction.

[805] Yeah, there's versions of getting attention right.

[806] There's a symbiotic version of getting attention right.

[807] attention where everyone's benefiting from you getting attention.

[808] And that's Ryan.

[809] And then there's like a parasitic attention where that's the person who's just speaking loudest at a party and fucking not yielding the floor.

[810] And that person is just a fucking black hole.

[811] You don't do.

[812] No, Ryan never does that.

[813] But he still loves attention as I love attention.

[814] But it happens to be symbiotic.

[815] Everyone else loves when he's getting attention too.

[816] Okay.

[817] All right.

[818] Yeah.

[819] I do like everyone to enjoy having a good time.

[820] And if it involves me getting attention to have everyone have a good time, then I'm fine with that.

[821] It's okay that it's like working on both levels.

[822] Yeah.

[823] But it doesn't feel like you need approval.

[824] Yeah.

[825] From, that's my opinion on it.

[826] I do not think I need approval.

[827] I think maybe that's because I'm so secure with my family and my friends that I'm like, it doesn't, you know, I don't know.

[828] That brings us to another really exciting chapter in your high school career.

[829] You were a professional party pumper.

[830] That's right.

[831] Which I don't even know that we had those.

[832] in Michigan.

[833] Maybe we did.

[834] And I just wasn't in that circle.

[835] But, but you were employed officially to go to parties and get that motherfucker started.

[836] That's right.

[837] I was a party pumper in high school.

[838] Now, I don't think we, I didn't know of them either.

[839] They were for like rich bat mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs and stuff, which I had never even been to.

[840] Right.

[841] My friend was doing it.

[842] And she's like, Ryan, you'd be great.

[843] I'm like, all right.

[844] And what age?

[845] In high school.

[846] So I was probably, I don't know, 17, 16, 17.

[847] Okay.

[848] And what would happen?

[849] So we'd go to, I would get, they'd, they'd They'd hire the DJ, and then they'd pick a party pumper or two.

[850] Okay.

[851] Depending on how lavish this party was.

[852] It'd be rough to be a singular party pumper.

[853] Most of the time it was just one.

[854] Oh, really?

[855] Yeah, I thrived.

[856] Oh, you did.

[857] Oh, yeah.

[858] I did even better.

[859] There's all these junior high kids that are awkward, but think you're cool.

[860] And so I'm out there, and I'm handing out the blow -up guitars and the blow -up microphones and teaching the dances.

[861] It was like macarena and dancing, getting the moms out there, and the moms loved it.

[862] Oh, yeah.

[863] A lot of flirting with the mothers.

[864] Yeah.

[865] High fives with the dads.

[866] It was like, come on, everybody.

[867] And I just loved it.

[868] And I was getting everyone hiding.

[869] Would you do backflips?

[870] Sure, of course.

[871] Get the circle around me. I'll backflips.

[872] I even did a wedding.

[873] I did a wedding.

[874] You pumped up so bad.

[875] I'm like, these people want me at their wedding?

[876] How lame.

[877] Did you ever have ever have a t -shirt air gun or anything?

[878] No, no, no t -shirt air gun, which would have been pretty sweet.

[879] Never shot one.

[880] You?

[881] Yeah, when promoting chips twice on the, on the tour, one said a Maple Leafs game.

[882] So awesome, dude.

[883] And then another time in the 76ers game, from the court shooting into the fucking upper way deck, like really turning it up and there's nothing feels better.

[884] Stupid, we don't own them.

[885] We got to get them.

[886] Yeah, we must get them.

[887] You guys should get up for your live shows.

[888] That's what you're talking about.

[889] Not just me and you having them.

[890] Oh, no, I wasn't talking about that, but that's a great idea.

[891] Maybe that could be my bet.

[892] I come out and fire the fucking t -shirt gun.

[893] Yeah, send some t -shirts out.

[894] That'd be great.

[895] Rip a backflip, fire a fire.

[896] How do you pump that shit?

[897] Listen, you fly me out.

[898] All right.

[899] So first class, I'm flown out.

[900] Wait, I just wanted, because I'm a pervert.

[901] I, too.

[902] What?

[903] I loved talking to moms when I was like in high school and junior.

[904] Did you love it?

[905] I loved it.

[906] I loved it so much.

[907] But I will say my buddy on the football team on the Norseman, Norseman, John Wright.

[908] Okay.

[909] He was like, he was like a 40 -year -old man. I mean, he had so much chest hair and a unibrow and just, but the moms loved him.

[910] Yeah.

[911] Oh, my gosh.

[912] He could, I don't know if he ever did.

[913] And we've talked about this.

[914] For some reason, to me, I think everyone's winning in that scenario.

[915] Yeah.

[916] He's got hair everywhere.

[917] The moms love him and good for them.

[918] And I have no ethical dilemma about that.

[919] Now, now there were like 50 -year -old dads, like with visible wood while they were talking.

[920] You know, I'd be like, this is a nightmare.

[921] It's your double standard.

[922] What's going on?

[923] Double standard.

[924] I don't like it.

[925] I don't like it either.

[926] We should be able to purve out on high school group.

[927] Well, hold on.

[928] What the fuck?

[929] There are guys.

[930] There were, like, there were, I will not name this person, but I knew someone who was outraged that so many moms loved Taylor Lottner in those movies when he was 16.

[931] Like, they would go with signs, and he would always have his shirt off and he was like 16, 17.

[932] Yeah, the moms would get really horny.

[933] Like, they'd be on the news and stuff.

[934] There'd be lines to see those movies, and the moms, they'd be, like, holding signs.

[935] Like, I can't wait to see Taylor Lottner with his shirt up.

[936] My friend would be outraged.

[937] Like, this is bullshit.

[938] If there was a bunch of men, super excited that there was going to be a girl in a bikini, was underage people.

[939] And I'm like, yeah, in big deal.

[940] And big fucking deal.

[941] You're right.

[942] There's a double standard.

[943] Has this friend been caught cheering for maybe a younger?

[944] Never.

[945] Never had been.

[946] But perhaps what it tells me is they would have liked to have.

[947] Right.

[948] you know and then they weren't allowed to they felt like well if I can't do it you can't do it that's my guess yeah unfortunately that's not how life works it's not how life works now when did you turn your eyes onto Amy okay this is gonna sound like BS so when Jason brought me home and I had met Janie Janie is my bud we weren't I don't think we were dating yet but I went home to the Russell's house and there was, Amy was there.

[949] Amy was 12 year old Amy, maybe even a love.

[950] No, I think she was 12 years old.

[951] I know exactly what she was wearing.

[952] I know it sounds super pervy and gross.

[953] The fact that you guys are married get you out of all this.

[954] Yeah, but nothing happened.

[955] We just, I just instantly fell in love with that person.

[956] I, this is so gross.

[957] I wrote, like we started hanging and like talking.

[958] She was just my bud.

[959] Like we were we just connected.

[960] Yeah, you were soulmates.

[961] Soulmates.

[962] And I was 15 and she was 12.

[963] And I wrote in her playhouse outside will you go to prom with me the day i met her oh wow and you thought you were just being like a cute older guy like yeah be cute older guy yeah make her feel good yeah all that but you really did want to take her to her prom at some point no no no i never had intentions of doing that but um but i did but i did yeah um then amy started going to our high school and i bring her at all the parties and all my buddies fell in love with her like like you know so she was in ninth grade and you were in 11th or 12th 11th okay okay and then that's nothing that's two grades apart yeah well we didn't start dating until I broke up with my long time girlfriend then my buddy was like dude hook me up with Amy it was like right during that time and I was like wait a minute I can I can date Amy my buddies want to hook up with her yeah started doing started going out and you but and also because I've heard Amy tell it Amy was in love with you the second she she's been in love with you since she was 12 years old we seriously found love when we met it's It's crazy.

[964] It is so crazy.

[965] One sad little story.

[966] Me and Jason were like going to Starbucks and his Toyota Tricel or whatever.

[967] And we go outside and we're like, yay, we're going to Starbucks.

[968] And we just see that out of the corner of our someone fall out of a tree.

[969] And she fell out of a tree.

[970] Wait, she figured her tree she was climbing.

[971] Because of you?

[972] I'm like, Amy, are you okay?

[973] Oh, no. Oh, she was so embarrassed.

[974] She was so embarrassed.

[975] Do you think she lost her footing because she saw you?

[976] She, uh, I, I, Monica, I think you're on to.

[977] something here.

[978] I think you're right.

[979] I think she saw you and got flustered and fell.

[980] I could go even further as like she was only up in that tree to get a view of you.

[981] Yeah.

[982] She was, I mean, she tells me. She was very jealous of me and Jason and Janie and all that.

[983] This is so, they basically threw a panther into the hen house when they invited Ryan Hanson over to the Russell's because it sounds like the whole family was in love with you.

[984] Well, Cheryl and Paul, the mom and dad were not in love with me. They were skeptical of day one.

[985] Yeah.

[986] I had a reputation.

[987] Okay.

[988] of the Christian guys of being a whore.

[989] Oh.

[990] Which means I felt a lot of boobs.

[991] Okay.

[992] Under the shirt over the bra.

[993] That's right.

[994] And some dry humping?

[995] A lot of dry humping.

[996] The Christian grind, I think I perfected.

[997] Uh -huh.

[998] You're like the Peter North of the Christian grind.

[999] That's right.

[1000] Yeah.

[1001] We did a lot of gene jamming.

[1002] And I mean, it was, it didn't matter.

[1003] Gene on Gene.

[1004] It was game on.

[1005] So you know what's funny is when we first met, I was like, oh, I was just trying to imagine being on your trajectory.

[1006] through life where Christianity was such a big part of your life and a foundation and everyone in your circle was.

[1007] And you didn't have sex with people and all these things.

[1008] And I remember thinking like, oh, God, that would have not worked for me. I just couldn't have done that.

[1009] Maybe sometimes he'd been feeling like, oh, it's a bummer for Ryan.

[1010] He didn't get to experiment and all these things.

[1011] Yeah.

[1012] But over the course of our 11 year friendship, there have been a couple different moments where I was like, oh, man, maybe I missed out on something big.

[1013] Definitely one of the things being like the story of you and Amy waiting to get married and then the wedding night and all those things.

[1014] Yeah.

[1015] I have to say like it's almost made me cry a couple times.

[1016] Yeah.

[1017] And I think there is something so beautiful about that.

[1018] It's very special and I'm so glad that, to be honest, I'm glad it worked out because, because, I the how young we were when we got married and that we waited and all this stuff is so beautiful and great but it's like very high risk and I totally see that and I see kids at that age now and even myself at that age and it is insane yeah to get married that young and and but it worked out and it was what were your ages I was 22 and she was 19 yeah and we waited to get married we dated for four years but there were some breakups you breaking up with her yeah I had moved to LA and I was like trying to do my thing and I was like I knew from day one and I told everybody that I'm going to marry her or someone just like Amy yeah whatever so I knew I was going to marry her yeah so I kind of freaked me out a little bit so I broke up and I got to be in LA and so there's a little gray area of sure experimentation and we have we have talked to amy and I've talked about it and well I had a very similar thing which is I met my girlfriend Carrie in high school my last year high school and I was dead in love with her yeah to the point where I was like oh my gosh God, I found the person already.

[1019] And that would freak me out a lot.

[1020] Like, no, it's too early to find the person.

[1021] And that really ate at me. Yeah.

[1022] So when I decided it was the time to marry Amy and I talked to her dad and he was like, absolutely, let's do this.

[1023] I was like, all right.

[1024] And I talked to my dad.

[1025] Yep.

[1026] This is great.

[1027] I'm like, all right.

[1028] Well, I guess we're doing this.

[1029] Uh -huh.

[1030] And so, yeah, so we got married and we had a very large wedding, which I think I would do different now.

[1031] Uh -huh.

[1032] It was, I say 650.

[1033] Amy always says 500 people I don't think it matters so crazy because going to the wedding of a 19 year old is I want to know what like how many hundred were like oh is a disaster I I think everyone was it felt like everyone believed in it and supported us and I think that's a big part of what helps a marriage anyways having that support and that foundation both of our parents are together both of our grandparents you know like all the you guys have no divorce yeah which is so wild it's very I think that's very rare I mean my parents went through a lot of rough stuff, you know, bringing us up and stuff.

[1034] And there was many times where they definitely could have gotten divorced.

[1035] And they didn't.

[1036] And they did not.

[1037] Now I appreciate as a guy that's been married for 14 and a half years.

[1038] Yeah.

[1039] There are challenges, of course.

[1040] And the fact that my parents worked through that, I love it.

[1041] It's amazing.

[1042] Oh, it's one of the things I admire most about my brother and his wife.

[1043] Yeah, totally.

[1044] So, so many people would have quit.

[1045] Yep.

[1046] You know?

[1047] Yeah, absolutely.

[1048] And you can make shit work.

[1049] You can make it work.

[1050] That's really inspiring.

[1051] So, So in the four years between high school and getting on Veronica Mars, you had gone to L .A.?

[1052] Yep.

[1053] And you wanted to be an actor.

[1054] I found that out.

[1055] Or you wanted to be famous.

[1056] No. I'm teasing.

[1057] Neither.

[1058] Okay.

[1059] Well, that's not neither.

[1060] Both.

[1061] Yeah, yeah.

[1062] So the end of my senior year, I was going to maybe go to junior college.

[1063] I, like, submitted some tapes to NCA, like, maybe going to do cheerleading because I didn't know what.

[1064] I didn't know what I was going to do.

[1065] And so I was maybe going to go to junior college.

[1066] My aunt, she lives in Orange County.

[1067] shout out to Ann Allison.

[1068] What up, Ann Allison.

[1069] Her son was doing commercials and stuff, and she's like, you should audition for this manager.

[1070] You could do commercials.

[1071] You'd be great.

[1072] I'm like, God, that's great.

[1073] So I went up and met with this manager and.

[1074] Who was in Orange County, right?

[1075] Orange County, yeah.

[1076] Almost to L .A. Almost.

[1077] So I moved to Orange County and lived with my aunt and uncle in a closet.

[1078] I got to put a little mattress in a closet.

[1079] And I went to Saddleback Junior College for, Two weeks.

[1080] Two weeks.

[1081] Maybe three.

[1082] Okay.

[1083] And you just said.

[1084] I remember I went and got the books.

[1085] I'm like, these books are so, I could not believe how expensive they were.

[1086] So I got my books and I walked out.

[1087] I stole them.

[1088] I stole the books.

[1089] Oh, you stole them.

[1090] Oh, wow.

[1091] You've been this really neat mashup of being like a bad kid and a great kid.

[1092] Yeah.

[1093] I think if you didn't have Christianity in your life.

[1094] I'd be rough.

[1095] I'd be rough.

[1096] You would probably have this similar life as mine.

[1097] Maybe.

[1098] I think.

[1099] So I'd be sitting here on the podcast.

[1100] Well, you're seven years.

[1101] You'd be in the armchair.

[1102] So I started doing a random.

[1103] Okay.

[1104] And that brings us to, I believe, one of your very first paid engagements.

[1105] Dick Simmons workout.

[1106] Richard Simmons workout video.

[1107] I was paid.

[1108] A lot of money.

[1109] A lot of money.

[1110] I think it was $500.

[1111] Really?

[1112] Yeah.

[1113] I want to make sure everyone heard what I just said.

[1114] So you were in a Richard Simmons workout video.

[1115] I thought we're just going to blow by that.

[1116] No, no, no, we're going to, no. So one of my, I would pretty much do anything.

[1117] Sure, me too.

[1118] Even now.

[1119] I don't even do a podcast, fuck it.

[1120] Yeah, why not?

[1121] So, yeah, I did a Richard Simmons workout video, and to prove it, I brought it.

[1122] The VHS today.

[1123] I brought the VHS video, yeah, it's on VHS.

[1124] So thankfully no one has VHS, you can't watch it.

[1125] I have one in the store.

[1126] It is, it looks like a 70s porn.

[1127] I mean, it is like shot so terribly.

[1128] Yeah.

[1129] So it's so bad.

[1130] And I'm really giving it my all in this video, too.

[1131] You are.

[1132] Oh, yeah.

[1133] 100%.

[1134] I'm like, I'm like, shouting now.

[1135] I'm like, doing all the box steps.

[1136] And oh, it's bad.

[1137] You were party pumping his video.

[1138] Yes, I was trying to make it the best for everybody.

[1139] And it's a real rag tag bunch, right?

[1140] You've got some elderly people on mats.

[1141] There's you.

[1142] There's me. It was so, I mean, like, I'm not necessarily fit.

[1143] Maybe that's why I got the job.

[1144] Well, truly.

[1145] Normal looking people.

[1146] He doesn't want, like, hunks in his video.

[1147] No, he doesn't.

[1148] No, he wants everyone to be just a bit.

[1149] And you know I came I I I've orange County met with the manager and she she wanted me to do modeling like print work and I was like oh I'm a model yeah sure so like I got all these pictures taking it and oh these they're so embarrassing I'm like trying to like pout my lips and it's like oh I just look so gross and it oh it's so sad I love it I auditioned for so much I think I got one modeling gig.

[1150] It was Paxon online only.

[1151] What's Paxon?

[1152] Pacific Sunware.

[1153] Oh, I don't even know what that is.

[1154] What?

[1155] Oh, my gosh, guys.

[1156] Pacific Sunware.

[1157] Yeah, it was a big deal.

[1158] It's a clothing line.

[1159] Yeah.

[1160] No, it's a clothing store.

[1161] It's like a, um, a Tilly's or a, you know, a Tilly's?

[1162] Nope.

[1163] Nope.

[1164] You didn't spend enough time in a mall.

[1165] That's why you don't know it.

[1166] That is a big, I have a big blind spot when it comes to different.

[1167] I wonder if they didn't have Paxon in, uh, Michigan.

[1168] Anyway, so I did, I did, I think I got that gig and it was like only for online.

[1169] I didn't even make the store.

[1170] Now, when Kristen recounts your meteoric rise on Veronica Mars, she tells a version of it that you don't agree with or like.

[1171] But I just, I want to get her version out.

[1172] Let's hear it.

[1173] So she likes to say Ryan Hansen started as an extra.

[1174] Yeah.

[1175] And worked his way up to a main character on Veronica Mars.

[1176] Series rag.

[1177] Through his unbridled charm and likability.

[1178] So, but you have a little bit different of an account of that.

[1179] I mean, I basically was an extra, but I was not an extra.

[1180] So I got, I went down and I auditioned to play Duncan.

[1181] Not even Logan.

[1182] I played Duncan.

[1183] And I didn't get it.

[1184] And then they brought me back to play, because I didn't get the pilot.

[1185] And then for the first episode back, they needed, um, a dick.

[1186] Yeah, Dick.

[1187] So they just named him Dick.

[1188] And it was the Paris Hilton episode, Dick Casablancus.

[1189] And then there was a, the Paris Hilton episode.

[1190] And I auditioned and there was two scenes and there was like a classroom scene where I have a couple lines.

[1191] And then there's the one scene where I say, Logan.

[1192] And so that's when I filmed Logan.

[1193] Yeah.

[1194] And, um, and I didn't even get to shoot the other one that I auditioned for.

[1195] They just cut the scene or whatever.

[1196] So I was that.

[1197] And then they liked my hair.

[1198] Dan Etheridge loved my hair.

[1199] Yeah.

[1200] And so they brought me back the next episode.

[1201] And I say like, check it out.

[1202] Uh, I kind of became like the Hawaiian shirt like.

[1203] Surfer dude.

[1204] Funny stuff.

[1205] Yeah.

[1206] Yeah.

[1207] And you, um, we just recently rewatched episode two of Veronica Mars.

[1208] And we were, you, you, perform the hell out of the word, Logan.

[1209] I mean, you've got a lot of layers going on.

[1210] Yes.

[1211] I'm like, your nostrils are flared.

[1212] You're like, Logan.

[1213] Like, how could we possibly let this guy go?

[1214] That's what I was saying.

[1215] I almost missed that day.

[1216] I almost didn't do it.

[1217] Why?

[1218] Because I was starring.

[1219] Okay.

[1220] In Bye By Birdie.

[1221] What?

[1222] In San Diego.

[1223] CYT?

[1224] No, this is CCT.

[1225] This is the adult.

[1226] It's 18 and up.

[1227] And they do a summer show.

[1228] Oh.

[1229] They were so fun.

[1230] And so he came down and did it and I was the star and I booked this thing.

[1231] And I'm like, so I ended up going.

[1232] I did the Veronica Mars bit.

[1233] And then I came back and the director was all in his birdie outfit.

[1234] And he was so bummed when I showed up because he really wanted to be it.

[1235] Shout out to John Lorenz.

[1236] Love you, buddy.

[1237] Oh, so the director was your understudy?

[1238] Oh, wow.

[1239] Who else could do it?

[1240] Real loosey goosy down there with the CCTV.

[1241] Yeah.

[1242] What I would find to be very challenging as I found it to be very challenging because I'm nearly as cute as you, but I have a similar personality to you.

[1243] You're monogamous in like leading towards marriage and clearly a lot of girls in your life like you at that time.

[1244] I didn't have many friends in L .A. I spent most of my time.

[1245] I'd be in L .A. during the week.

[1246] I do my job.

[1247] I worked for a clothing company called Jedediah.

[1248] And then on the weekends, I'd go home and see Amy.

[1249] I'd go back to San Diego.

[1250] Okay.

[1251] And I, so I never really like had a life in L .A. until she moved up there.

[1252] Right.

[1253] Which was a few years of me living there.

[1254] And so the ladies liking me, I don't know if I necessarily had time for that or if, like, I just didn't have a, I didn't really.

[1255] Do you think some of it blew over your head?

[1256] Or you were aware?

[1257] Well, when we did break up, I did.

[1258] You called some people.

[1259] Called some hoes.

[1260] Okay.

[1261] Uh -huh, sure.

[1262] So when we broke up, I'd go, we'd go out, me and my old roommate and, uh, and tussle around the town sure uh and be a 21 year old in lost i don't remember being it was i was never it i was never like no not you girls not tonight i was never that guy right i don't know i don't know if i just think it comes with uh i don't know you're just let's put this way i've been on many sets where you come in and do a day or two or something and then when you leave all these different women tell me like oh my god i'm in love with ryan hanson or oh my god i was heartbroken to find out Ryan's married.

[1263] Like this is something I've heard that's nice out of many ladies mouths.

[1264] Most people are in love with Ryan.

[1265] They're magnetic.

[1266] Yeah, you're very magnetic and I just think oh boy God bless you you know you really you've really kept it together.

[1267] I think for me it's like I I really give off of like a like a best friend vibe rather than like a sexual but I don't know if I I would like to have a sexual vibe.

[1268] Yeah I've had a friend tell me before that I have zero sexual energy uh -huh Kim Biddle.

[1269] Where are you at?

[1270] Shout out to Biddle.

[1271] Shout out to Biddle.

[1272] Love you.

[1273] So Veronica Mars.

[1274] So I end up doing 10 episodes that first season.

[1275] Yeah.

[1276] And little one -liners, little tiny scenes here and there.

[1277] And I thought it was so fun.

[1278] I was like, I get to come down to San Diego for it.

[1279] It was great.

[1280] How quickly do you and Kristen connect?

[1281] So we connected right away.

[1282] Immediately.

[1283] Immediately.

[1284] But not like, let's hang out.

[1285] I mean, she was so busy.

[1286] She's going back to L .A. with her boyfriend.

[1287] Uh -huh.

[1288] I don't know if you knew.

[1289] She was.

[1290] Wait.

[1291] She had a fucking.

[1292] She had a boyfriend?

[1293] Oh, my God.

[1294] And she would go to malls on the weekends to promote the show and stuff.

[1295] She had quite a schedule.

[1296] Oh, yeah.

[1297] She was all over the place.

[1298] Really, season three, the last season is when we kind of started hanging out, Kristen and I, the most.

[1299] So what really connected us was my birthday party in San Diego, July 5th.

[1300] And I invite everybody.

[1301] And then we get to the spot.

[1302] We get there a little early because I like to be on time or early.

[1303] And she is sitting at the bar by herself.

[1304] It's this old kind of dive bar.

[1305] And I couldn't believe she came.

[1306] which was so sweet because she didn't have to.

[1307] She's a very busy schedule.

[1308] She's the star of the show.

[1309] I mean, we weren't shooting, I don't think, at the time.

[1310] But she came.

[1311] And it was crazy.

[1312] And we just danced.

[1313] It was fun because we'd already been buddies.

[1314] And then she, and season, we found out season three was canceled.

[1315] Oh.

[1316] Before the birthday party?

[1317] Before the birthday party, yes.

[1318] No season four.

[1319] No season four was happening.

[1320] And anyway, we have a good time.

[1321] And then towards the end of the night, she's tipsy off of two sips of champagne.

[1322] And she's like, we're like, Amy and I, we're going to have to move back to L .A. and we're going to find a place.

[1323] Which is like, well, just stay with me until, you know, you find a place in L .A. We're like, no, okay.

[1324] So, and her situation was she had a big old house in the hills in studios.

[1325] A mansion.

[1326] It was a mansion.

[1327] Yeah.

[1328] Well, the first time I went over there, I was like, what the fuck are they paying her on Veronica Mars?

[1329] So we went up there and we've been there a few times.

[1330] She had a couple little parties there and stuff, but it turns out her and her boyfriend were splitting up, and that was supposed to be like their kind of house together forever and all that stuff.

[1331] So she's like, I have this big house, and it's just me, come stay here until, you know, you find a place.

[1332] And so we did.

[1333] And that turned into two years.

[1334] Two years.

[1335] It was the best.

[1336] So, yeah.

[1337] So each week we check in, like, should we, we, we didn't find a place.

[1338] Should we just stay?

[1339] Just stay for like another moment.

[1340] At the end of the month, we'd be like, didn't really find a place.

[1341] And I think what really connected as, too, is Amy and I had gone to Africa with Invisible Children, which is her brother, Jason's organization.

[1342] and we came back and showed her all of our pictures and we're gushing about Africa and how much how amazing it was and mind -blowing and she she obviously has the biggest heart in the world and really wanted to get involved.

[1343] And so she got very involved with Invisible Children and they even did like an Invisible Children episode in Veronica Mars which was the coolest thing ever.

[1344] I remember that.

[1345] We did like a little PSA at the end.

[1346] Yeah, it was very cool.

[1347] And so we really connected on that.

[1348] I think that might have been the foundation.

[1349] Shortly thereafter, you and I meet.

[1350] Mm -hmm.

[1351] Because you hadn't been living with, how long have you been living with Kristen?

[1352] A year?

[1353] It must have been a year, yeah.

[1354] So we saw a bunch of comedy nerds really trying to court her coming in and out of the house.

[1355] She was newly single.

[1356] Newly single.

[1357] And man, did the paparazzi really love that?

[1358] Did they?

[1359] They just wanted her with anyone.

[1360] It was so much fun at the commune.

[1361] We had, it was game night after game night.

[1362] It was just the best up there.

[1363] She is amazing, yeah.

[1364] And so this is where now I enter the scene.

[1365] Kristen and I had met at a dinner and no sparks or anything And then a week or two later King's Game Go to a King's Red Wings Kings Yep I'm with Michael Rosenbaum You're with Kristen Just you two right No, it was me and Amy Oh okay I'm almost positive Amy was there Well here's my recollection Is maybe not Maybe I maybe I All I know is I was like I meet you and you're cute And you're with Kristen And I'm like Oh I don't know if that's her boyfriend and then I'm like no he's gay because your style was so progressive and yeah it really I came to love it but at the time um you were like in a ton of pink and stuff and you were just so outgoing and I'm not sure I was actually in pink I think you were in a lot of pink that night yeah at the game okay I love that you remember me just in a bunch of pink yeah you had an inordinate amount of pink accoutrema in your outfit and like so I'm like I'm talking to her and then she's like this is my friend, this is Ryan, not even this is my friend, this is Ryan.

[1366] And I'm like, oh, this is her guy.

[1367] And I'm like, no, this isn't her guy because he's totally excited.

[1368] I'm talking to her.

[1369] And he's got a ton of pink on.

[1370] And then maybe Amy was there because then I want to say that I was like, oh, no, he's straight.

[1371] He's married to this beautiful girl.

[1372] Yeah, maybe.

[1373] Maybe she wasn't there.

[1374] Maybe you just thought I was gay.

[1375] I definitely thought you were gay at first.

[1376] I was like, this makes sense.

[1377] She's with her gay friend at the hockey game.

[1378] He seems to be very supportive of her talking with guys and whatever.

[1379] stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare and then maybe a week after that i went and met you guys out at your favorite tuesday night restaurant yep that's right firefly we called that jule tuesdays unintentional tuesdays became intentional which was hilarious yes yeah and so when i arrived on the scene it was culture shock to me because I couldn't fathom letting a bunch of people live with me. Yeah.

[1380] Oh, totally.

[1381] Yeah.

[1382] I could see that.

[1383] I was so different then, which you've observed probably more than anyone.

[1384] Yeah, I want to hear about that.

[1385] Because Kristen and I have our version of maybe how much she changed and how much I changed as a result of one another.

[1386] But really, the most objective outsiders would be you and Amy.

[1387] Yeah, so you guys have seen us together from day one.

[1388] Yep.

[1389] And till now.

[1390] Yep.

[1391] To kids and the whole thing.

[1392] And so let me just say, from my perspective, I was like, oh, wow, all these people live here.

[1393] And I was like, how much rent do they pay?

[1394] She's like, no, they do chores.

[1395] And I'm like, what the, like, I was so apprehensive use the service or quite a bit.

[1396] Well, that's true.

[1397] It was a chore.

[1398] We had to pay for the cleaning of the house that we paid, which was twice a week because we had so many dogs there.

[1399] That's pretty much it.

[1400] But I was like a big.

[1401] There's no other chores.

[1402] We basically took care of that.

[1403] She was off doing movies.

[1404] all that stuff.

[1405] We just watched the house and our minds were blown by her generosity.

[1406] And still, I mean, she's the same way.

[1407] Well, and as you've said many times, she's what allowed you guys to save up enough money to buy a house.

[1408] Absolutely.

[1409] And all these things and enabled you to start having a family and all these.

[1410] Yeah, it's incredible.

[1411] It is incredible.

[1412] And I was slowly every trip over there thawing.

[1413] Yeah.

[1414] To this idea.

[1415] Years and years of thorn.

[1416] But I was thawing.

[1417] to this thing where I was like, oh, they're all taking advantage of her.

[1418] Yeah.

[1419] And then I would go home to my lonely house decorated with Christmas lights that only I saw in pictures of myself all over the house.

[1420] Just totally embarrassing.

[1421] And then the quantity of fun and joy and love and companionship she was experiencing was worth billions of dollars as I came to find out.

[1422] So I did thought of the whole thing.

[1423] But I want to say something really quick because I'm afraid we'll forget.

[1424] And it is important to say that you have taken the generosity that, you and Amy both have taken the generosity that Kristen bestowed on you and you have paid it forward times 10.

[1425] Well, thank you for saying that, Monica.

[1426] It's the truth.

[1427] We definitely learned a lot from Kristen's generosity.

[1428] We really did.

[1429] And like you said, we do, we try our darned us to...

[1430] You've opened up your house to people and just to all of our friends all the time.

[1431] You make it such a fun hub.

[1432] And you've let people live there?

[1433] We've had a few different borders.

[1434] Yeah.

[1435] Right?

[1436] Upwards of 10 has it been that many well probably at months at a time sure not not a long not long period who is your longest uh inhabiting i think our longest was ashley di agostini shout out to ashley i think she lived there for about a year maybe a little over a year and well you know when we lived with uh kb our why we left was because amy got knocked up by me and um say it like she felt she tripped right yeah and kb's like okay no we'll make this wing the baby wing and da -da -da -da.

[1437] She wanted you to stay?

[1438] Oh, yeah.

[1439] We're like, we should get a place now.

[1440] Should I talk about really quick why my daughter's name is Crosby?

[1441] Yeah.

[1442] When we talk about Crosby, everyone will maybe think of your parenthood character.

[1443] Oh, right, right.

[1444] This is really funny because you guys got pregnant literally like right when I got parenthood.

[1445] Yeah, right?

[1446] And you went out and did that pilot, didn't really talk about it again.

[1447] And then we end up having a girl, which we thought we were having a boy just because we didn't find out.

[1448] And everyone's like, you're having a boy.

[1449] It's great.

[1450] You're carrying that way.

[1451] And so we're in the hospital We have a girl Holy smokes Well when we would go out to lunch Or dinner with people We would they'd be like What do you get to name it?

[1452] We'll name him Dax We'll name him Monica Whoever we're with would say Whatever that person's name is And they'd think And so we were out with our friend Caitlin Who I had done a movie with Caitlin Crosby And we're like Well name were Crosby I'm like oh that's a cute name Right right Anyway so it's stuck in our heads And that's why we named her after Caitlin Crosby Who started the Giving Keys now And she's amazing But I think a lot of people, in my, even my close circle, pretty sure they're convinced I named it after your character on parenthood.

[1453] Well, they happen at the exact same time, virtually.

[1454] But what's really funny is so you kind of have had to deal with people thinking you named your daughter after character on parenthood.

[1455] And then your second, you're not going to make that mistake again.

[1456] You're going to steer as far away from my gosh, I did forget about that.

[1457] Yes.

[1458] So you name your second daughter.

[1459] milly after my grandma after your grandma and then you're watching an episode of parenthood yeah and you realize oh my god that's what crag t nelson calls bonnie badalia's character as a nickname i couldn't believe it i was like oh my gosh we have crosbie and millie and our youngest daughter zeke braverman hanson again is another complete coincidence so when you came into the picture I remember at the hockey game You said to her, do you have any more gum She said, no, I don't have any more And you like took her gum out of her mouth And put it in your mouth She said, do you want some of this?

[1460] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I go, yeah, I'll take half of that And I put it in my mouth.

[1461] Out of her mouth, though.

[1462] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1463] And to this day we travel with one toothbrush.

[1464] Yeah, I love it.

[1465] And so I saw you there And I thought it was cool because I don't see a lot of celebrities like, whoa, that's Doc Shepherd.

[1466] Hard for me to imagine, but I'll take your word for it.

[1467] And then I was like, you know, I was with KB and how is you?

[1468] He was nice, you know, it was kind of checking on her.

[1469] I was happy that she was talking to you, but I was like, you know, trying to be a big brother a little bit.

[1470] Sure.

[1471] Not that you felt that at all.

[1472] I was wearing pink, apparently.

[1473] And pink flamingo outfit.

[1474] And then, yeah, so you started coming around the house and it was cool.

[1475] You definitely, if I may, please, flexed a little bit when you guys started getting a little more serious.

[1476] Oh, tell me. Yeah, I imagine I did.

[1477] Do you initiate any rules?

[1478] Do it.

[1479] Expose me. I don't know about it.

[1480] I can handle it.

[1481] But it was definitely like, and I don't know if necessarily it was to me, but if other dudes were there especially, and we were going to watch something or have a dinner and they were in your seat, it was, you let them know to get out of the seat.

[1482] Oh, okay.

[1483] Doesn't shock me. Yeah.

[1484] Which I thought was kind of cool.

[1485] A douche.

[1486] A little bit.

[1487] Yeah.

[1488] You can be critical.

[1489] But I think, but like we all have our seats.

[1490] I have a seat at the house when I ate dinner with my kids.

[1491] So it's not that big of a deal.

[1492] Well, let me just say from my perspective.

[1493] I acknowledge I was wrong to do that.

[1494] But here's my only experience is like I had had two long -term girlfriends before that.

[1495] If I'm dating a girl and I've got to spend every other night at her house, I want to feel comfortable there.

[1496] And she owns the fucking house and I want a seat.

[1497] Like I want a, I'm a creature of habit.

[1498] I want a seat.

[1499] I feel entitled to have a certain seat.

[1500] You got that seat.

[1501] You got that fucking seat.

[1502] And it was probably a huge dick to everyone.

[1503] But in my mind, I was like, no, I have some kind of.

[1504] If I got to be here every other night, I want to, like, this has got to be the same as my house.

[1505] Yeah.

[1506] In some way.

[1507] You're always very, very sweet to me, which I don't know why.

[1508] I always loved you, right, right from the get -go.

[1509] Which I, we really did have a connection with other friends.

[1510] I think it took a long time for you to let them.

[1511] I think actually yesterday you let a few in.

[1512] No, 100%.

[1513] Yeah, and I don't.

[1514] Well, it was a confluence of many things.

[1515] This whole scenario was very foreign to me. Also, everyone was Christian and a goody -goody in my mind.

[1516] But they weren't.

[1517] They weren't.

[1518] But in my mind, they were.

[1519] And you guys represented what I was foreseen is going to be a huge stumbling block between Chris and I. Because one of our biggest fights right out of the gates was watching a show on that couch with everyone.

[1520] And there was some story on the news about someone having a baby out of wedlock.

[1521] And then all of a sudden we're fighting over what we would do with our kids.

[1522] And her thing to me was motivated solely on this text that was written a thousand years ago.

[1523] And I'm panicking.

[1524] Like, I love this person.

[1525] How am I going to raise kids with this person?

[1526] We have such different worldviews.

[1527] And then you guys ended up representing to me that force.

[1528] Yep.

[1529] Right or wrong is what it was.

[1530] Yeah.

[1531] It was wrong.

[1532] But it probably was symptomatic of like, oh, these are the people steering her towards this thing that's going to eventually unravel us or be a wedge between us.

[1533] Right.

[1534] But I always adored you and I always.

[1535] adored Amy yeah I well I think you were you liked me I'm gonna say adored you adored me maybe because of Amy and I think that's why a lot of people like me is because my wife no no no no she's just the greatest but I remember one of our first like within the first few weeks of Chris and I dating we all went to Vegas you guys yep were on a one trip and Nate and I were on another trip and then we all hung out and that's when I really got to know Amy and then I was just kind of blown away with how like I mean your wife is angelic she is an angel the most beautiful human with the biggest heart ever.

[1536] And I was just like, she was my breakthrough, to be honest, where I was like, oh, there's something real to all this.

[1537] There's something true and real.

[1538] And it's not like, I guess I saw from my own childhood, like those Christians in my neighborhood, again, this is all my baggage.

[1539] I felt like they were looking down on our family because my mom was divorced and we were the shitty kids and we were like I, and I just found Christians to be judgmental.

[1540] and always thinking they were fucking morally superior to everyone.

[1541] And that was all my baggage.

[1542] And then I looked at Amy and I was like, no, that person just has the Lord in her heart and is a beautiful, giving, non -judgmental person.

[1543] She is, and what I strive to be, like, she is the Christian, I think that Christians should be.

[1544] I think that's what you're saying.

[1545] She's like, she's Jesus.

[1546] Yeah, she's Jesus with a great act.

[1547] Beautiful rack.

[1548] Like, if Jesus had like a fat, natural rack and a nice, juicy, Yeah, she really, she really, really is.

[1549] And, um, oh, man, I love her so much.

[1550] And yeah, and it does suck because a lot of Christians grew up that way, the judgmental way.

[1551] And I, I mean, I definitely did too.

[1552] I grew up in the mega church.

[1553] My dad was a part of these mega churches, you know.

[1554] And I mean, I, although I loved it, I mean, that was like my social life growing up until high school was church.

[1555] And I, and we, we ran that, ran that shit.

[1556] Yeah.

[1557] So, um, but yeah, but a lot of Christians get a bad rap.

[1558] They do it the wrong way.

[1559] of them yeah some some some just as any group has absolutely yeah like I can't defend everyone in a I would never try to you know terribly yeah man would you and Kristen have these blowout fights oh my god I mean I don't think people real like we try to tell people like it was a long road to get here but I need you as an outsider to confirm what you guys would argue over the crazy I don't even know what you guys were arguing we would never be in the arguments but it was like me and Amy were like the kids in the other room like shivering like oh mom and dad are fighting and hour just yelling so much yelling and slamming and then you guys I think you broke up a few times nothing crazy you guys would break up and she's like she's heartbroken she's crying we're like yeah fuck that guy he's the worst yeah yeah and then you guys would get back together and we're like no no he's great he's great but man it has been so awesome to see you guys grow together and really I mean she's well she's Kristen she's the best and you're the best but you've become the best like really like it's been so cool to watch you grow your heart has just expanded not that you were the grinch but that's a you know it's an analogy that's when everyone can relate that's right they can visualize it well if you were my inside circle i've always been this way to my inside circle right i just didn't my circle was tiny and i didn't want it any bigger totally i'm just threatened by every outsider yeah early on we always double dated yeah right so we went to mammoth i don't know how clearly you remember this trip but i i remember it quite well.

[1560] We were having a great, great time.

[1561] And then we went in the hot tub.

[1562] We were all in the hot tub.

[1563] I don't know if you remember this, but I mentioned someone I had dated in the hot tub.

[1564] And that's what set off the crazy fight.

[1565] Oh, yeah.

[1566] Okay.

[1567] That ended with, I think her wouldn't leave the living room and me being in the bedroom and her wanting to argue over email and you guys hiding in your bedroom.

[1568] That was a memory of mine and then the longest drive imaginable home from mammoth because we were in my truck and you guys were in whatever we took off somewhere else after that i think probably blew out north or something versus a snowstorm coming in so that's right i did go catch some fucking trails yeah well you guys do still get into arguments they definitely turn into debates and and not blow out arguments like you guys used to have it's been so cool to see that and your relationship and then also to see you become a billion times more generous.

[1569] Not that you weren't with like your core, because you were.

[1570] It's just been so fun to watch you grow as a man. You became even more manly when, I think when the kids, when your kids came about and when you and Kristen got married, I don't know what it was.

[1571] There's a shift in you that just like really opened up to everyone and to everything.

[1572] You're just a beautiful person and you always happen.

[1573] But man, has it been fun to watch?

[1574] Thank you.

[1575] Well, by my recollection, the big turning point was asking her to marry.

[1576] Getting engaged.

[1577] That's when the fighting stop.

[1578] That's when like she was no longer jealous of my past or any of these things.

[1579] And then I'm sure I had an equal level of, you know, letting some shit go and just adopting the way she lived and getting better results living like she did and all those things.

[1580] But, um, well, she's benefited from, from, uh, you too.

[1581] She, uh, the dip.

[1582] Yeah, yeah.

[1583] I taught her, I taught her to chew tobacco at one point.

[1584] Uh, she's been in doom buggies now and on motorcycles.

[1585] It's really broadened her horizon.

[1586] But I was going to say you've, you've seen me at my, you've seen a couple of my explosions, which is rare.

[1587] Yeah.

[1588] Because now they don't really happen too much.

[1589] No, but.

[1590] I remember one time this guy, you were holding, I think it was Crosby.

[1591] I was.

[1592] My oldest daughter, when she first was, she was a little, little baby.

[1593] And this guy like zooms by in this residential.

[1594] And when I say zoomed, I mean, the guy was going 70 in your neighborhood.

[1595] And you came out there.

[1596] You almost like hit his car with your fist when he's going.

[1597] And so he stops and reverses.

[1598] And I, and you.

[1599] hand the baby over to me i was so proud i love that shit i was so into it yeah when he started reverse and i was like yes out of the car motherfucker let's go and then again this has happened so many times with you this is why you're like an angel of my better nature is we've been in a couple situations where i lose my temper with other guys and then i go home and i am so embarrassed by it i was so embarrassed that like here's the irony of all of it is like in my mind i'm like protecting Crosby she lives on the street you have a little kid and I'm like I'm enraged and feel like I'm protecting your daughter and yet what could be worse for your one year old daughter to see than me hand her to you and then start screaming motherfucker at a guy and trying to pull him out of the car like that's the worst thing she was never going to get hit by that guy I know she's just witnessing this display of violence you've talked to me out of like three things well I don't know if you have the same thing but like back in the day especially before kids I think still married.

[1600] But even before that, but whenever my brother and I would go out, it was like, if anyone said anything to either of us, it was fucking game on.

[1601] Yes, of course.

[1602] Well, I got in many, I've been in many fights.

[1603] I think part of it is, too, like people, I think they don't think that I'll...

[1604] You're so cute.

[1605] You're so cute and you wear a lot of pink and these guys think they can...

[1606] You come out of nowhere.

[1607] They think they can...

[1608] One quick one?

[1609] Yeah, absolutely.

[1610] My buddy, my best friend from high school, Jeremy Dent.

[1611] What's up?

[1612] Jeremy.

[1613] out to Jeremy Dent.

[1614] So Jeremy Nett comes up to LA, visit me, and also his cousin who was rushing at UCLA.

[1615] His cousin invites us.

[1616] He was just rushing to a frat party, a fraternity party.

[1617] Okay.

[1618] And so we're like, great, we'll go.

[1619] It'll be fun.

[1620] Chicks.

[1621] And so we go and it's like a spy versus spy parties are like black and white and we're not dressed like that.

[1622] And he's just rushing.

[1623] He's not even in the fraternity.

[1624] So these, the, his brothers.

[1625] By the way, just bold move to bring some bros to the party when you're still rushing.

[1626] That's an error right there.

[1627] Right there.

[1628] Big mistake.

[1629] Right then and there.

[1630] Come on, Alan.

[1631] Come on.

[1632] And so his fraternity guys were not happy.

[1633] And they were mad dogging.

[1634] As they should have been.

[1635] Because you guys are cuter.

[1636] I guarantee it.

[1637] I don't know about Dan, but you're cuter than everyone there.

[1638] I'm guaranteeing it.

[1639] Jeremy's the cutest funniest guy.

[1640] He's a 10.

[1641] Okay.

[1642] So, yeah.

[1643] So I'm mad if I am a fraternity hosting a party.

[1644] I totally get that.

[1645] And these two San Diego 10s roll up to pump the party.

[1646] We're pumping the party.

[1647] We're talking to girls This and that And his frat guys were not having it They're mad dog And they're picking on Alan They're like punching him and stuff And we're like, dude, what's up?

[1648] Let's do this.

[1649] And then they were like, let's do this.

[1650] I think they did it first.

[1651] Anyway, to go outside, we literally go out front of their fraternity And two of them, it was two on two.

[1652] It was great.

[1653] And you kind of step up And Jeremy hits one guy Oh, drops to the ground.

[1654] Boom, out.

[1655] Jeremy's on a boom.

[1656] And so I'm kind of, And then me, I'm having a little harder of a time.

[1657] But I'm boxing this guy.

[1658] I'm hitting him, hitting him.

[1659] And I just keep slamming.

[1660] But nothing's really landing, but, you know, I'm hitting pretty good.

[1661] You're in the mix, though.

[1662] And he starts yelling, brothers, brothers!

[1663] Oh, my God.

[1664] Brian and I always...

[1665] He runs back into the fraternity.

[1666] And me and Jeremy and Adam are like, oh, let's get out of here.

[1667] So we kind of like scurry down the way and all these guys come out, like, look around.

[1668] We're like, I picture them in togas.

[1669] Like, I picture every fraternity party being a toga party, a bunch of guys in sheets.

[1670] and then just like go back inside.

[1671] And study for their final.

[1672] Well, that's the part of you that, yeah, that you would underestimate that is the competitive jock side of you.

[1673] That probably people aren't super aware.

[1674] Because again, you're also acting.

[1675] You're cheering.

[1676] Let's go back to when Dax was evolving as a good human.

[1677] I think, and I definitely have this, too, games.

[1678] So we play a lot of games.

[1679] And there was one scenario specifically where.

[1680] we were playing a game.

[1681] I forget whose house we were at, Natalie Portman's.

[1682] She wasn't there.

[1683] She wasn't even there.

[1684] Her friend was working for her.

[1685] It's not a big game.

[1686] It's not a big.

[1687] It's not a bit.

[1688] But we're playing this game and you, I forget what it was, but there was some injustice that you were so mad.

[1689] And you started yelling at this girl who was like kind of, not really even in the group, but she was kind of like new to the group.

[1690] Fringe.

[1691] Yeah, fringe group.

[1692] And you laid into her and all of us were like, oh, wow.

[1693] Oh, boy.

[1694] And, but I've definitely done that.

[1695] Well, Jason, my best friend and I got in a fight and stopped talking for at least two months over Cranium.

[1696] You guys playing Cranium.

[1697] I think it was Creative Cat or maybe it was Zelpus.

[1698] I don't know.

[1699] There was a debate and we, yeah, stopped talking for a long time.

[1700] Wow.

[1701] Wow.

[1702] Yeah, a lot of your stories that were like there's been friendships have gone, have parted ways.

[1703] There's a few of them that have been.

[1704] Game based.

[1705] The epicenter is a game.

[1706] Oh, yeah.

[1707] Yeah.

[1708] I feel like when I saw, when I saw you do that, I'm like, that is so me. I definitely lose my shit for no reason and who cares.

[1709] I'm going to try to change.

[1710] And it's helped a little bit.

[1711] And you definitely have changed, like a big time.

[1712] Yeah, because, you know, if we're throwing mud, like, just like four months ago, you really put bit through the ringer when she couldn't think of her clue.

[1713] And what was that game?

[1714] Code names.

[1715] Code names.

[1716] Okay, here's the thing about that.

[1717] That wasn't me losing my shit.

[1718] I was just, that was me giving zingers.

[1719] Oh, that's different.

[1720] So when I do it, I'm a gorilla when you do with their singers.

[1721] I get it, I get it.

[1722] No, you were.

[1723] No, no, no. Do you remember?

[1724] What I'm talking.

[1725] I remember this.

[1726] I don't remember yelling.

[1727] Oh.

[1728] I don't remember yelling at.

[1729] I'm trying to throw my.

[1730] No, no, no, do it?

[1731] I don't know.

[1732] Tell me specifically, do you remember what my issue was?

[1733] Like, what was a yelling?

[1734] I don't even remember the game it was.

[1735] Oh, well, I can't imagine yelling at a girl.

[1736] You're saying, I'm not.

[1737] was yelling at a little girl you've yelled at girls you've yelled at me it was yes i have it was yeah yeah well family members for sure it wasn't so much that you were yelling at her it was at like well it was at her but it wasn't like it was like it was the rules of the game and you she was breaking them or something and she didn't even you know something like that did she cry no no no no one cried it wasn't like that i mean it was it kind of made it sound like that didn't okay i think she probably cried and now he doesn't want to say that but he does she doesn't Definitely cry.

[1738] All it was, it wasn't even that big.

[1739] Okay, I guess yelling is the wrong word.

[1740] It was uncomfortable for everyone.

[1741] Well, crazy.

[1742] Maybe I'm not learning because this just happened over Christmas.

[1743] Me and my brother ripped into my dad because he couldn't get this game right.

[1744] I've apologized to my dad.

[1745] The upside and the downside of family is that they're always going to be your family.

[1746] So you feel like you can kind of.

[1747] You can do whatever you want to them.

[1748] So, because, well, there's a lot of fun.

[1749] I've enjoyed more than anything being friends with you for the last 11 years.

[1750] I've also enjoyed, maybe I'm flattering myself, but there has.

[1751] been, from my perspective, a little bit of a big brother thing, which I've never got to be to somebody.

[1752] Absolutely.

[1753] I know how to put it into words, but you absolutely a big brother to me. It's been so awesome these last 11 years or whatever.

[1754] I love my brother so much, but he's not in L .A. with me. Right.

[1755] And to have you as my big brother, it's been pretty great.

[1756] And we're so similar in so many ways.

[1757] We're very different in a lot of ways.

[1758] But just the simple fact is people mistake us for each other, which is so flattering to me. Listen, you, we both get flattered in different ways.

[1759] I get Jack Shepard.

[1760] Yeah, but I don't get Zach Prap.

[1761] Yeah, there's some kind of divergent at you.

[1762] And also, Zach Brough gets Ray Romano, which makes total sense.

[1763] Oh, yeah, that is weird.

[1764] He and I share nothing in common Ray Romano.

[1765] Physically, no way.

[1766] But, so Amy, your wife, who does hair in the film and television business, has had a couple of different times.

[1767] She has a picture of her family on her stand.

[1768] And people have sat in her chair and said, oh, you're friends with Dak Shepard?

[1769] Yeah, all the time.

[1770] Which is so funny.

[1771] And when I heard that, I was thrilled.

[1772] This is one of the few times that both people are thrilled.

[1773] It's like looking in the damn mirror.

[1774] Are you kidding?

[1775] You're adorable.

[1776] You love to tell yourself that you're like a two or what?

[1777] I'm a six.

[1778] I'm a six.

[1779] It's insane.

[1780] And you're a solid.

[1781] I'm six and a half.

[1782] No, no. You're an eight plus your ten personality.

[1783] You're a nine.

[1784] No. Yeah, yeah.

[1785] You're a straight nine.

[1786] Monica.

[1787] Yeah.

[1788] Oh, my gosh.

[1789] She is that assessment.

[1790] I say you're low balling.

[1791] Then I take up my shirt.

[1792] I'm going back down to a six.

[1793] But in this big brother, you're going to a flip and you're back to the night.

[1794] And in this big brother, little brother, friendship we've had, we've had a lot of fun times.

[1795] We have had so many good times, so many good trips.

[1796] It's been.

[1797] And a theme of those is you often, which is, again, is very traditional for Big Brother, Our little brother is we've raced a lot of things.

[1798] And I've seen you have some of the most spectacular crashes.

[1799] This whole thing's a damn set up.

[1800] I'm like, crutches.

[1801] I finally got there too.

[1802] I do try to keep up with my big brother and things that I should not be trying to keep up in.

[1803] One of the most spectacular ones, I guess it was eight and a half years ago.

[1804] And it was your birthday and we were in Oregon.

[1805] Yeah.

[1806] Visiting my mom and we went to this downhill luge thing on Mount Hood.

[1807] And there was two paths you could take.

[1808] and you have these, like, carts, and you can put the brakes on the carts.

[1809] That's all you can really do.

[1810] You can't steer them or anything, right?

[1811] No. And first trip down, we left at the same time, and I finished before Ryan.

[1812] And he...

[1813] You blew by me. Yeah, it was very fast.

[1814] Yeah, he won by a mile.

[1815] And he was hot about that.

[1816] And on the next trip up, he...

[1817] I wasn't, like, mad.

[1818] No, just...

[1819] You just got fired up a little.

[1820] Yeah, you're tough.

[1821] Your competitive edge was ignited.

[1822] Yeah.

[1823] Yeah.

[1824] So we're coming down this hail.

[1825] again, we left at the exact same time, and we're coming into this sharp right -hand turn, and by my estimation, I'm going as fast as can be gone through.

[1826] Like, physics -wise, you couldn't go faster through this right turn we're approaching.

[1827] And at that moment, I'm thinking, oh, I'm just on the edge of how fast you can go down, this thing.

[1828] Ryan blows by me. And I am flying.

[1829] He's going.

[1830] I think I used the brakes the whole time on the same.

[1831] Oh, fast.

[1832] And I was already debating whether or not I'm going too fast to make it through the thing.

[1833] turn and then I just see out of my peripheral vision Ryan shoot past me on the inside and I think oh he's got to be going way too fast and right as I think that he he flies up to the top of the turn loops out gets airborne oh wow oh yeah flies over me I'm in the cement tube you know there's no top to the tube but it's like half a tube and you fly over me you land in my cement runway right you're coming right at me oh my god yeah And I look up and he's coming right at me. Like 35, 40 miles an hour on a hard plastic sled.

[1834] Oh, no. You were pretty fucked up from that accident, right?

[1835] You opened your hand up pretty good.

[1836] Yeah, I got some scars from that, for sure.

[1837] But I did get out of the tube just in time, rolled out of there.

[1838] Oh, good job.

[1839] Just in time.

[1840] But there's fucking dirt and debris all in the tube, and your little sled went flying.

[1841] And then we had to go to the medic station.

[1842] Yeah, get patched up.

[1843] Get you patched up.

[1844] And I had right back down the list.

[1845] And I had that immediate thing where I was like, oh, no, I pushed him too hard.

[1846] Now I've ruined his birthday, but what a spirit of Ryan.

[1847] He didn't bother him at all.

[1848] I think we went bungee jumping right after that.

[1849] Yeah, we did.

[1850] Now you can embarrass me because I've only crashed one time in a razor.

[1851] It was a legendary crash.

[1852] So Ryan and I go to Glamis, which is the biggest sand dunes in North America, 400 square miles of sand dunes.

[1853] It's heaven on earth.

[1854] But now I've been with the Bell Shepherds quite a few times.

[1855] now and it is so fun out it is amazing it's like mad max out there it's so fun you've been i know it's so fun with you i don't think i've had fun or trips than when we've all gone out in motor homes it's so fun yeah so but you and i are there on a bros weekend oh yeah and you are a little backed up we've been there a couple days and you've not taken up dump got to go poop and we're staying in tyler's trailer as i recall right so we think brian's like i got to take a shit finally like after two days of being backed up.

[1856] And we decide it would be rude for him to unload in Tyler's trailer or guests, right?

[1857] You got to go somewhere else.

[1858] You got to go to the facilities, yeah.

[1859] So we drive at night in the razor to an area, a campground that's got a porta potty.

[1860] Ryan goes in there.

[1861] He does his business.

[1862] Am I paying this?

[1863] I unload.

[1864] You unload.

[1865] Yeah.

[1866] And then drop heat.

[1867] We decide to take, like, the dunes back.

[1868] And it's the middle of the night.

[1869] And so, and then lo and hole little jiggling around old Dan Shepard's got to take a dump now got to go poop I'm not gonna drive back to that porta potty so I just decide I'm gonna poop in the sand dunes so we pull over I poop in the sand dunes get back in the razor I had a bunch of tissue in my pocket just so if you're worried how to wipe my body I wipe my body I handle that we get back in the the razor and we find this epic jump right perfect little kicker perfect oh my gosh and we are we hit this jump over and over again we're getting maybe 10 times I mean at least Yeah, just we're getting crazy airborne.

[1870] It's landing so softly.

[1871] Having a blast.

[1872] We're loving it.

[1873] Couldn't be having a better time.

[1874] And we decide, well, let's see how many feet we jumped.

[1875] Like, it feels like we're jumping 50, 60 feet.

[1876] So we get out of the razor and we like walk off with our feet, our takeoff point and our landing point.

[1877] We're like, oh, cool, we jump 60 feet or whatever the fuck it was.

[1878] Yeah.

[1879] We get back in the razor and we're like, let's go back to camp.

[1880] So we've already set a record.

[1881] We're not even trying to do anything special.

[1882] So we hit the jump, hit the jump at half the speed we've been hitting it at.

[1883] And about at the apex of our jump, it becomes really clear that we are going to roll end over and forward.

[1884] We go straight up in the air towards the stars.

[1885] I see the star.

[1886] It was like, wow, we're doing it.

[1887] And then we just, it just tilts right forward.

[1888] Directly towards the sand.

[1889] We're coming just nose first.

[1890] I've never crashed like this before.

[1891] It was crazy.

[1892] And then we, boom, hit.

[1893] And then roll, roll, roll, roll.

[1894] It was crazy.

[1895] And then we land and we're upside down.

[1896] And he first checks on me right away because I did put my hands up, which you're not supposed to do, I guess.

[1897] Yeah.

[1898] It's a natural reaction.

[1899] He checked on me. And you were okay.

[1900] I was fine.

[1901] I was fine.

[1902] Brother, brother, are you okay?

[1903] Brothers.

[1904] So we like, we're upside down.

[1905] We unbuckle.

[1906] We get out.

[1907] We're looking at the razor.

[1908] It is fucked.

[1909] It's a yard sale.

[1910] We've grenaded it.

[1911] All the front ends broken off.

[1912] The wheels are broken off.

[1913] I mean, it's, it ain't coming out of that fucking desert.

[1914] No way.

[1915] So then we got to walk back to camp and this is years and years ago.

[1916] Now I know that place pretty well.

[1917] Back then, I did not know that well.

[1918] So we get to the road and we think, oh, well, our camp is to the right.

[1919] We fucking walk down this road.

[1920] We walk for at least a mile and a half.

[1921] We get back to that toilet we were at.

[1922] And then we go, oh, geez, Louise.

[1923] So then we turn around, we come back 45 minutes later.

[1924] And Tyler and Shaggy and all them.

[1925] I don't even think they notice, but they see us walk into camp.

[1926] We left in a razor and then we walk back into camp and they're like, okay, what happened?

[1927] And we tell them the story.

[1928] And we tell them the story.

[1929] And we're like, we got to go get that thing out of the dunes.

[1930] And Shaggy's like, okay, we can use my sandrail.

[1931] And we all go out and we're like, I hope we can find it.

[1932] And we go over the sand dune directly in front of our camp.

[1933] The fucking razor was literally 1 ,000 feet from camp.

[1934] Not even.

[1935] It was so close.

[1936] We had walked two miles for no reason.

[1937] We were right at camp where we crashed.

[1938] Well, we were in a big accident.

[1939] We got disoriented.

[1940] Yeah, your brain was scrambled.

[1941] Guys, we're not even at the punchline of this story.

[1942] So there's a couple guys in razors, and then they're shaggy and his doom buggy.

[1943] And everyone pulls up and shines their bright lights on the totaled razor that's upside down.

[1944] And they start kind of evaluating the damage, how are we going to get this thing back to camp?

[1945] We're going to have to go over a sand dune, blah, blah, blah.

[1946] And in the midst of all this, I see that we have landed within six inches of my dump.

[1947] It was right there.

[1948] We crashed, rolled, landed, and we could have reached out and touched my dump.

[1949] What are the, Monica, what are the odds of that?

[1950] Very slim.

[1951] 400 square miles and the turd was six inches long.

[1952] Do the math.

[1953] Give us some fast math.

[1954] I don't think I can do it.

[1955] It was crazy.

[1956] You could have landed right in it.

[1957] I wish we had.

[1958] I mean, it would have sucked.

[1959] It felt like we were like miles from that.

[1960] Because we were been ripping around and, oh my God.

[1961] We were right in front of it.

[1962] You guys were just always in a, like a, I know.

[1963] And I know it was his because he's a distinct smell.

[1964] Yeah, yeah, sure.

[1965] Okay, now I want to get into your career for a minute, okay?

[1966] Yeah.

[1967] Because I think also, I think I really relate to you watching you just being like seven years ahead of you and watching you and I having kind of similar like things where it's not like we're not Jim Carrey, right?

[1968] We're not Will Ferrell.

[1969] No. But we have a certain enthusiasm that reads as funny and puts us in a comedic category.

[1970] And it's it's a specific thing.

[1971] Yeah, because although I will say you are like a trained, groundling comedian, can do stand -up, all of it.

[1972] I don't have, I don't, I'm not that.

[1973] Like, I'm not a comedian.

[1974] Well, but, but you're a comedic actor and everything you now are in.

[1975] Generally, you're funny and you're super duper funny.

[1976] And we end up, whether the training's different or the things I'm doing on the side are different, you know, your role in Ryan Hansen solves crimes is not any different than any role I've really.

[1977] I mean, you were on Veronica Mars and you were a regular.

[1978] And then after that show ended, you at least had representation and you could now go up.

[1979] But there's a couple lean years in there, right?

[1980] Well, so after season three, my wife and I do a little trip.

[1981] We do a little backpacking across Europe and we go to Africa and all that.

[1982] It was so fun.

[1983] And we should just brought suitcases why a backpack?

[1984] I don't know.

[1985] It's so dumb.

[1986] And on that trip, I get an email from Rob Thomas saying, show's not picked up we're so bummed whatever whatever I was pretty devastated because I'm like well I'm on this trip yeah we thought we're getting a season four and then but he's like read this script it's really funny it was party down he's like I want to see if you want to be a part of it I'm like I didn't even I think I responded I'd love to be a part of it love the script I didn't read it you know sure who cares I want to do it yeah yeah you don't care what it is and so when I got back from that trip we shot the pilot of party down in Rob's house Martin Star Martin Star Adam Martin star Adam Scott Ken Marino Lizzie Kaplan that's a great cast Jane Lynch and then the next season was Megan Malawi and then all these awesome guests are it was the best and to be a part of that show but those kind of actors was huge for me I mean Veronica Mars was my acting school to begin with I learned everything on that show yeah Jason Doring how to like be intense and like cry all this stuff he was so great yeah he's the best and Kristen watching her be the lead of a show I really got to like take all that in and then party down watching those guys riff and and and you were intimidated yeah a little bit or no uh intimidated a little bit just because they were kind of already in that world yeah they were like established improvers but like I was like whatever I'm doing it too I guess I'm here but you did that show did that show and then you had a string of shows by my recollection where um you were the lead of the show with Jessica Lucas so that was a huge deal for me. Yeah, a network show that you were the lead of.

[1987] I did pilot season after Party Down got canceled with my long hair, didn't get anything.

[1988] It was so mad that I just couldn't get anything.

[1989] And I cut my hair.

[1990] I was like, I got to cut my hair.

[1991] Because I thought that was my thing.

[1992] It's my hair.

[1993] That's why I'm getting these jobs.

[1994] Right, right.

[1995] Part of it was.

[1996] It kind of was.

[1997] And I go back for the same show that Patrick Adams was on.

[1998] And he got fired from the pilot.

[1999] And I go back in and they're like, yeah, this is great.

[2000] but I had already auditioned with my long hair but I came back in with my short hair and they're like, of course.

[2001] Oh, wow.

[2002] So then I got that part with Jessica Lucas, who's a buddy already.

[2003] Yeah.

[2004] And that was called Friends with Benefits.

[2005] How many episodes do you guys do?

[2006] We did a solid 12 or 13.

[2007] Yeah.

[2008] Yeah.

[2009] And just got it.

[2010] It was a burn.

[2011] I remember that.

[2012] That was exciting.

[2013] And Patrick Adams moved on to suits and he's still doing it.

[2014] Oh, that's lucrative.

[2015] Yeah.

[2016] I would imagine.

[2017] Yeah.

[2018] And then after that was bad teacher.

[2019] Bad judge I think was a slew of pilots Okay Didn't get picked up A couple pilots And then I think I did Bad teacher Bad Judge Bad Santa Bad Sanda You did three bads in a row Three bads in a row Yeah And then at the same time You were doing movies And you Central Intelligence wasn't your first Thurber Was it?

[2020] That was my first time Ever meeting them And they offered me this Part on it It's not a very big part But it's a fun part Yeah Of course I'd love to do it What had they seen you in that they offered it?

[2021] They love Party Down.

[2022] Oh, that's great.

[2023] That was huge for me as far as like the comedy world.

[2024] Like anyone...

[2025] That's how everyone kind of came to know you in that circle.

[2026] Totally.

[2027] And so I got to do this really fun part on Central Intelligence and had a blast with those dudes and they're like, we should do something back in L .A. I'm like, because we shot it in Boston.

[2028] I'm like, yeah, cool.

[2029] See in L .A. dudes.

[2030] Yeah.

[2031] It was so like...

[2032] Everyone says that.

[2033] And then we actually met up in L .A., which was very exciting.

[2034] And we met like, I don't know, two or three times.

[2035] Like, what should we do?

[2036] I don't know.

[2037] We brought some writers.

[2038] in and they're like, we don't know, whatever, we want to make something.

[2039] And then Rosson, you know, after like six months of that or whatever was like, emailed me. He was like, hey, I'm sick of waiting for somebody to write something for you.

[2040] So I wrote this.

[2041] What do you think?

[2042] And it was Ryan Hanson solves crimes on television.

[2043] Wow.

[2044] And I'm like, this is the weirdest original show I've ever read.

[2045] Then we went and sold it.

[2046] He's like, great.

[2047] It was crazy.

[2048] It's the coolest, most fun show I've ever done.

[2049] And it's, and Monica's in it, season one.

[2050] And Dax is in season two.

[2051] Is he season three?

[2052] Kristen's in season one.

[2053] And Joe McCau is in season one and two?

[2054] And two.

[2055] Yeah.

[2056] There's a lot of fun people in season one and two.

[2057] I'm not good at promoting my show, though.

[2058] I will tell you that.

[2059] It's tough to explain.

[2060] Can you explain it?

[2061] Well, you're, I don't think it can be explained, but I'll attempt to.

[2062] Okay.

[2063] So you're playing yourself, Ryan Hanson.

[2064] And you are, you have a crime show.

[2065] and so you're going to do research at the LAPD.

[2066] Oh, boy.

[2067] Is that how it works?

[2068] Nope.

[2069] That's not how it works.

[2070] No. Tell me how works.

[2071] So Ryan Hanson solves crimes on television.

[2072] I play Ryan Hanson, an actor, and the LAPD has teamed up with some famous -ish actors to help solve crimes in Hollywood because there's been an uptick in crime.

[2073] Right.

[2074] And so I decide to, so I team up with a detective and help solve crimes.

[2075] And it's super weird and meta.

[2076] talk about my life and my career and it's also some of it's fake but it's real and I go home to my sitcom family at the end of every episode where it's like a multi -cam audience so there is a crime solved yeah yeah Samira Wiley ever heard of her yeah Emmy winner Samir Wiley is my partner in the first one and then Orange is the new black orange is the new black handmade and and then Wood Harris is my partner in the second one and Samir's from the wire Samira comes back for season two yeah she's in season two oh fun oh that's nice It's so meta and hilarious.

[2077] In the best way.

[2078] Oh, Jess is in season two.

[2079] Hello.

[2080] Jess Rowland.

[2081] One of the questions that I got from, I asked people like, I'm going to be on armchair.

[2082] Are there any questions you want to ask Dax and Monica?

[2083] One of them was, why doesn't Monica date Jess?

[2084] We talk about him all the time.

[2085] He's like all this stuff.

[2086] Do you break it to him?

[2087] Let's tell them.

[2088] Yeah, Jess doesn't like Monica's type.

[2089] Yeah, he doesn't like fat macsies.

[2090] No. In fact, he has a really funny story.

[2091] about he's gay being being taken to a strip club by somebody and or maybe he was like at a birthday party that had a stripper and the stripper was rubbing her boobs on his face and he was like dax it just felt like her might as well rub her ears on my face oh can you imagine that's how sexual it felt as if she was just rubbing her ears on my face and I thought well that is that's a real good distinction yeah for me so if a boob ever feels like an ear yeah then you know you might know then you know but um the show is genuinely hysterical.

[2092] I really, really want people to watch it because you're incredible on the show.

[2093] It's also one of the hardest shows someone could star in, because I was there.

[2094] You're in every fucking scene.

[2095] You have to sing and dance.

[2096] You have to do flips.

[2097] You have to do...

[2098] I mean, it's crazy how much you have to do.

[2099] Dialogue's really quick.

[2100] Dialogue heavy.

[2101] Very heavy dialogue.

[2102] It's definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but like the cool...

[2103] I mean, it's so cliche to say that, but it is one of the coolest things I've ever done and got to be a part of.

[2104] and I thank Ross and Marshall Thurber the Third, so much.

[2105] So another fun thing about you and I is that you have been in every single thing I've ever directed with the exception of about a boy, but you were in the episode of Parenthood I directed.

[2106] Oh, that's right.

[2107] You were in Brothers Justice.

[2108] We rode together as lovers on a motorcycle off into the sunset, and then you were in hit and run.

[2109] You were a bad guy.

[2110] I made you do a flippin' that.

[2111] Of course.

[2112] Boa Bridges hit me and punched me in the face.

[2113] you know he was supposed to like be punching me and like it's like fake punches he's far away well he was getting tired yeah and just started actually hitting me in the face it was like oh what an honor sir I love your whole family yeah and then uh chips you're in chips chips and let's tell one behind the scene story of chips what you and I had to bang our penises together in tight underpants had to you I love that.

[2114] Oh, right.

[2115] Remember?

[2116] Well, I mean, we had to disservice the joke.

[2117] Sure.

[2118] That you wrote.

[2119] That I wrote, yeah.

[2120] So I was a little nervous about that because, you know, Dax is going to have his shirt off, and he looks like a superhero in this movie, and then there's me. And, you know, I look fine.

[2121] I'm not embarrassed.

[2122] It's fine.

[2123] You look great.

[2124] It's fine.

[2125] And, but we were both a little concerned about wearing little whitey tides and having to smash those together to have a nice close -up on that.

[2126] Is this where you were getting that?

[2127] Yeah, absolutely.

[2128] Absolutely.

[2129] And so we both kind of talk to each other about it.

[2130] This is on the day.

[2131] I mean, like, we're about to shoot it.

[2132] Yeah.

[2133] And I haven't eaten in, I don't know, 36 hours or something.

[2134] You know, because I shot all my shirt off scenes back to back to back.

[2135] So I was like really calorie cutting.

[2136] So I had no water in me. I had nothing.

[2137] And my penis was smaller than I think I'd ever seen it in my life.

[2138] Do you think that has to do with food?

[2139] 100%.

[2140] Because I started eating again.

[2141] So I think it has to do with blood flow.

[2142] No, with hydration.

[2143] Okay.

[2144] Yeah, I think when you're dehydrated, your penis doesn't work so hot.

[2145] Okay, got it.

[2146] Because I've seen that now.

[2147] Because when I did went in Rome all week on my, but glycogen depletion.

[2148] So five of the days were glycogen depletion and not horny.

[2149] Don't even know if I could get a boner, probably not.

[2150] Then I would have a 36 -hour carbload period.

[2151] Remember that?

[2152] I would eat like a whole box of cereal, two, three boxes of cereal.

[2153] That night I would just be in.

[2154] engorged and have a heart on whether it was horny or not that was the craziest diet it really was that was horrible yeah not it was not fun so yes i i found that on that when i was when i would be carb loading boners galore wow and so i definitely was in glycogen depletion during that chip scene anyways you and i were kind of going off and just trying to wake our penises up well so we we found space away from the cast and the extras and the crew in these little uh creepy little rooms I think it was an abandoned insane asylum.

[2155] Yeah, yeah, virtually.

[2156] So it wasn't sexy.

[2157] No, no, no, no. We're both kind of yanking on our things, separate rooms.

[2158] Yeah, trying to wake them up.

[2159] Yeah, and...

[2160] I'm not, we're not looking for an erection.

[2161] I don't need a boner.

[2162] We just want them to be awake, an alert.

[2163] Yeah, sure.

[2164] Zero movement.

[2165] I couldn't, I couldn't get...

[2166] I mean, really.

[2167] Oh, my gosh.

[2168] It was...

[2169] And we kept reconvening.

[2170] Yeah.

[2171] Like, any luck?

[2172] No. I'm pretty sure they're like, okay, guys, we're ready for you.

[2173] One minute!

[2174] We're like, we're like, it was, and we were.

[2175] And we were.

[2176] come out it's just like oh whatever who cares smash mash what's funny is i was like 41 i still cared i know i think i'll always care i guess sure but yeah i just could not wake that thing up and then you and i were just like you know what fuck it we're just gonna be banging the tiniest versions of our dongs together what a weird um what a weird sensation that was i found it so funny oh my we were dying up top we were laughing so hard and michael pania had to have his like look at it and have a straight face.

[2177] Yeah, poor Michael, the camera's on our penises, and then beyond our penises is Michael Pena, staring at the collision of the penis, but we can't stop laughing because we're paying our penises together.

[2178] And I don't think I've ever had the giggles that bad on set.

[2179] That was so funny.

[2180] If you're ever feeling down in the dumps and you can't break out of your doldrums, get into some tight panties and get one of your brothers and just smash.

[2181] Just bang and smash those penises together.

[2182] If it's anything like what we experienced, a highlight of my year that was so funny.

[2183] We, it was in the way, how many times we, it was like a, it was like a, like a rhythm to it.

[2184] Hundreds of times.

[2185] Smash.

[2186] It's multiple takes, multiple camera angles.

[2187] Off camera we were doing it.

[2188] In a trailer.

[2189] What a thing to share though, right?

[2190] Oh, yeah.

[2191] Well, you know, I go very much want you guys to do ecstasy together.

[2192] Molly party.

[2193] I want to host a Molly party for you guys.

[2194] I think I would, I would love that.

[2195] Yeah.

[2196] I tried it once.

[2197] Oh, you did?

[2198] Yeah, I went at the Hard Rock Cafe.

[2199] Just tell them why you got fired from the Hard Rock Cafe.

[2200] Well, I wasn't going to bring that up, but I did get fired from the Hard Rock Cafe.

[2201] I was working the merch store.

[2202] Working the merch.

[2203] I was slinging buttons and T -shirts.

[2204] It was so fun.

[2205] It was like, you know, rock and roll playing.

[2206] It was great.

[2207] I used to collect Hard Rock T -shirts.

[2208] Yeah, so I didn't work there for that long because the guys were so nice, the owners or the managers.

[2209] Like, Ryan, we know you're not stealing, but your change box that you have to give in every night and count all this up, it's always wrong.

[2210] It's either too much money or not enough money in it.

[2211] His trie is, his till was always wrong.

[2212] Yeah, my till.

[2213] So funny.

[2214] Anyway, so a bunch of the hard rock people went out and I went with them and I was a little younger and they're like, we're doing ecstasy tonight, whatever.

[2215] I'm like, okay, yeah, I'm going to do it.

[2216] I gave my $20 and I got my pill and an E on it and everything.

[2217] I popped that baby.

[2218] Nothing.

[2219] Pretty sure I had an excedron.

[2220] But no headache, no hangover.

[2221] No, we'll get the real stuff for you.

[2222] the real pure MDMA, and we'll get you guys together.

[2223] And we'll just see, you know, what happens.

[2224] I'll be there to kind of guide everyone to make sure nothing goes wrong.

[2225] I got to have Amy sign off on that even more.

[2226] I want Amy to do it.

[2227] Of course.

[2228] Yeah, we'd all be doing it.

[2229] I don't know if we're going to do that.

[2230] I think I would rather do mushrooms.

[2231] You would?

[2232] Yeah, I've never done that.

[2233] Never done Coke.

[2234] I think I would like Coke too much.

[2235] Yeah, I think you would enjoy it.

[2236] Yeah.

[2237] I will say odds of a great experience, highest with MDMA.

[2238] Okay.

[2239] Like shrooms, you know, you take the voyage, and I love feeling confused.

[2240] Fantastic boy.

[2241] You know, I love feeling that way, and like I'm eight, and I don't understand anything.

[2242] Yeah.

[2243] But, but, but, but ecstasy or Molly makes you actually feel like you understand things more.

[2244] You feel more in control than less in control.

[2245] Even more in control than you feel like right now.

[2246] Oh, really?

[2247] Yes.

[2248] That's weird.

[2249] You feel like absolutely positive.

[2250] You're in the exact right place you're supposed to be and everything's good.

[2251] But there is a hangover with excess.

[2252] Because there is a hangover.

[2253] I don't like that part.

[2254] And mushrooms, there's no hangover.

[2255] There's no hangover.

[2256] I hate hangovers.

[2257] And I think it's like depression.

[2258] I think that's why I'm not an alcoholic.

[2259] Because I hate hangovers.

[2260] I hate them.

[2261] Yeah.

[2262] I get them pretty bad.

[2263] Yeah.

[2264] And the other - Hangovers?

[2265] Oh, yeah.

[2266] That's why I ended up drinking in the morning.

[2267] Like, I couldn't function.

[2268] You know, I wanted to die.

[2269] I got to start drinking in the morning.

[2270] It's really the answer.

[2271] The upside of mushrooms is also when you come off mushrooms, you don't have any desire to do more mushrooms.

[2272] but most people, certainly me, when you're coming off of MDMA, you want more.

[2273] Oh, okay, yeah.

[2274] It's not a comfortable exit of the experience.

[2275] Are you doing that for turning?

[2276] Yes, I'm going to hold you.

[2277] We're going to bang penises and just get through it.

[2278] I love it.

[2279] Okay, so from the outside, from my vantage point, I just can't imagine being a more perfect person.

[2280] And you don't see, you seem to be a perfect person.

[2281] without having to get like all these demons in a headlock like i'm not nearly as good of a person as you and it's taking a ton of work i'm like going to meetings and i'm journaling every morning all this stuff just to try to be have as good as you is there stuff you're wrestling with that i don't see uh great question i'm definitely not a perfect person that is so nice of you to say okay um oh boy yeah so i i i struggle you get depressed i don't see yet yeah i think um I do have levels of depression that I don't think I even knew I had.

[2282] There's been different phases of when I've had that.

[2283] For instance, when my brother -in -law, Jason...

[2284] Yeah, had a little rough patch.

[2285] And my pilot didn't get picked up.

[2286] Right.

[2287] All of this, honestly, it was like all with a couple weeks of each other.

[2288] The pilot, whatever.

[2289] Well, kind of.

[2290] I was in a real dark, dark space.

[2291] It's so crazy.

[2292] Now that you say that, I remember talking to you, I was in, I was in New York writing, and I talked to you and Amy on the phone that night.

[2293] You said things that made us cry, supporting Jason and that whole situation.

[2294] And just reassuring you that people come back from everything.

[2295] Yeah.

[2296] Yeah.

[2297] It was, it was amazing and so well said and so perfect at the right time.

[2298] And I really helped Amy and me. Oh, that's good.

[2299] Very big brother of you.

[2300] it was really good anyway so i think that was the first time i've really realized and then i jumped onto this movie and it just it was like doing night shoots and it was the really thing that saved us was um we had milly at that time too our second right maybe and that kind of brings a light to everything oh yeah it's crazy but it's like the best and you kind of remember why you're here and and so so i have gone through bouts of it a lot of work stuff probably right because you get you get scared and anxious about work and supporting your family yeah all that all that so i get in a real kind of low place during pilot season of course even though you know it usually ends up okay but it's like oh he's really weird and i have really low patience and i have um i'm a little insecure sometimes and i deal with um what are you what what are you insecure about i have a hard time imagining talking uh interviews a podcast podcast Yeah, I think I'm insecure about being smart enough.

[2301] Uh -huh.

[2302] Because I play a dumb dumb on most of my stuff, but I love doing it on my terms.

[2303] And I think I usually beat people to the punch.

[2304] I'm gonna be dumb when I want to be dumb and I - 100%.

[2305] Yeah.

[2306] And so I pretty much play that.

[2307] And then right, if someone makes the exact same joke, like my thing is I'll be the first to say like my wife makes more money to me. Yeah.

[2308] Right?

[2309] Or make fun of myself.

[2310] Totally.

[2311] If someone else makes that joke, I'm not great with it.

[2312] You're not happy about it.

[2313] How about, like, envy or jealousy?

[2314] Do you have that?

[2315] Not really.

[2316] Okay.

[2317] I'm pretty secure in what I have.

[2318] I'm so almost even the opposite.

[2319] I'm so proud of, like, my family and my wife and my kids and, like, my friends and, like, what we have going.

[2320] Yeah.

[2321] That it's hard to be, and, like, jealous of anybody else and other things.

[2322] Like, I'm like, that's great for them.

[2323] That wouldn't be good for me. I would be a different person if that was me. 100 % because look, and I'm glad you have awareness of that because it's funny because I have friends who have 30 ,000 square foot houses in Malibu on 12 acres overlooking the ocean.

[2324] And when I go there, I'm not jealous.

[2325] I've been at your house, your old house in Biloxi and been jealous and gone, I want to live in this house.

[2326] I want to live in this warm, wonderful, inviting house.

[2327] and it's very enviable.

[2328] So I'm glad you don't look at the other stuff and not recognize what a warm, perfect kind of existence you guys have.

[2329] It's not perfect.

[2330] No one's it's perfect.

[2331] No. That's, well, that's really sweet of you to say.

[2332] I'm going to make you feel even way more uncomfortable.

[2333] You're ready?

[2334] Okay.

[2335] A couple of things I love about you.

[2336] Such a great dad, but there are a lot of great dads.

[2337] My best friend Aaron Weekly came out to visit.

[2338] He brought his 11 -year -old son.

[2339] very awkward age to be 11, to be in a new house with a bunch of different people.

[2340] We watch a UFC fight.

[2341] I've resigned to the fact that he is shy.

[2342] Aaron was the exact same way when we were 11 and 12.

[2343] I would take him with me to my dad's for a weekend and he'd whispered to me. My dad would yell at him and then he would cry.

[2344] Like the whole thing, I was like, oh, he's just Aaron.

[2345] And I know Aaron.

[2346] He's perfect.

[2347] So I'm not worried about him.

[2348] But also, I didn't put much time into like trying to bring him into the fold.

[2349] I'm like, oh, if he wants to sit in the bedroom and do shit on his phone, cool.

[2350] you made like seven attempts to get Wade to come join us.

[2351] You're like, hey, bud, what's going on here?

[2352] Main fight's about to start.

[2353] And I was just like, I was just watching you over and over and going, like, oh, my God, why don't I have the capacity to do that?

[2354] I'm so impressed with the type of person that could go out of their way to make other people feel good and comfortable.

[2355] And again, that's not you trying to get attention.

[2356] That's just like your total intrinsic good nature that I so aspire to.

[2357] But the thing I really want to say about you is in your group of friends that you are the hub of, and we are all spokes of, there's about 40 of us.

[2358] I think your Christmas party has at least 40 people at it, maybe 50.

[2359] Yeah, I think so.

[2360] Over the last 11 years, if I had to list 100 most joyous times of my last decade, 60 of those things are at your house.

[2361] I don't think you'll ever understand the value and warmth and love that you add to all of our lives.

[2362] It's incredible.

[2363] My most happy joy -filled and I'm doing the right thing moments are at your house.

[2364] It's the most beautiful place to be.

[2365] I feel so grateful that Kristen introduced me to you.

[2366] You're like one of the nicest parts of my whole life.

[2367] You've given me like a whole life outside of this group of friends I came in with.

[2368] And I'm so grateful for it.

[2369] And I hope I'm like 90 years old with you.

[2370] Still big brothering it.

[2371] I love you so much.

[2372] I know you know that.

[2373] And that's, it's crazy for me to hear that, for you to say that.

[2374] And we feel the same way about you and KB.

[2375] You give you guys so many people's life meaning.

[2376] Oh, gosh.

[2377] It's really generous.

[2378] And I'm really, really grateful, and I know Monica is, too.

[2379] I am.

[2380] Do you want to concur Monica?

[2381] No, I think you stole the show.

[2382] Yep, per usual.

[2383] Hold on, Monica.

[2384] How do you feel about me, Monica?

[2385] I love.

[2386] I feel the same way.

[2387] I love you so much, Monica.

[2388] And I'm so happy for you that you have found this space with Dax and you have this going.

[2389] It's amazing.

[2390] So happy.

[2391] I'm so happy we're all here.

[2392] Should we bang our private parts together all three of us?

[2393] Maybe you should.

[2394] All right.

[2395] Well, Ryan Hanson, I love you so much.

[2396] Ryan Hanson solves crime is currently on YouTube premium.

[2397] Please watch it.

[2398] It's so fucking funny.

[2399] And we want you to get a third season because I want you to buy some toys.

[2400] You know, that's really high on my priority.

[2401] I need to get a couple of razors.

[2402] Yeah.

[2403] Let's kick Ryan a nice little Polaris.

[2404] He's a great brand representative, ambassador.

[2405] You heard how good he can describe his show.

[2406] Just imagine how good he'll sell those side by sides.

[2407] It's got tires.

[2408] It's got a cage.

[2409] It's got a wheel.

[2410] And Veronica Mars is coming back.

[2411] Oh, Mars is coming out.

[2412] Yeah, really.

[2413] So fun.

[2414] All right.

[2415] Well, I love you.

[2416] And we'll do this again.

[2417] Derek.

[2418] I love you so much.

[2419] Monica, I love you so much.

[2420] Rob.

[2421] Hey, dude.

[2422] I love you, guys.

[2423] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[2424] Check the facts.

[2425] Don't knock the facts over.

[2426] Rock on with your bad self.

[2427] Oh, that's lovely.

[2428] Check the facts.

[2429] Don't knock the facts over.

[2430] Rock on with your bad self.

[2431] I don't know it.

[2432] You know, rock the boat.

[2433] Don't knock the boat over.

[2434] Don't rock the boat.

[2435] Is it?

[2436] It's a...

[2437] Is it Paul Abdul?

[2438] No, it is what we would probably call Motown.

[2439] I think it's more of a Motown song.

[2440] Oh, okay.

[2441] I think 70s R &B pop.

[2442] I like that style.

[2443] Yeah, it's really good song.

[2444] It's a good style.

[2445] Rock the boat, don't knock the boat over.

[2446] And they say, rock on with your bad self.

[2447] Any song that says rock on with your bad self.

[2448] 70s.

[2449] Well, great, yes.

[2450] Probably in the 70s it was created, but also it has my number.

[2451] Oh, sure.

[2452] I'm always looking for an excuse to rock on with my bad self.

[2453] Of course.

[2454] Who isn't?

[2455] Yeah.

[2456] Special day.

[2457] Yeah.

[2458] Ryan Hanson Day?

[2459] Special boy.

[2460] Yeah, most special beloved boy.

[2461] Yeah.

[2462] It's so fun having best friends in here.

[2463] It really is.

[2464] It really picks up your toad.

[2465] It's hard to have a toad when you're best friends here.

[2466] Oh, picks up your attitude.

[2467] I took it the other way.

[2468] I thought you meant picks up your two like you had an attitude.

[2469] Oh, you're right.

[2470] It's always used in a negative way, right?

[2471] Yeah.

[2472] She has a lot of toad.

[2473] Mm -hmm.

[2474] But you could have a good toad.

[2475] Yeah, you could be in a good toad.

[2476] Yeah.

[2477] Let's reinvent it.

[2478] We should.

[2479] Let's reclaim it.

[2480] Okay.

[2481] You have the best toot about this podcast.

[2482] Thank you.

[2483] Anyway, I'm just glad that we had him on.

[2484] Yeah, it was a long time coming.

[2485] It was a really long time.

[2486] People were asking nonstop.

[2487] Hello.

[2488] We heard you.

[2489] Yeah, enough.

[2490] We want him too.

[2491] Yeah, he's busy, okay?

[2492] Well, he's busy and he admittedly had some anxiety about coming on because he thinks he's a bad storyteller.

[2493] I know, which is so endearing.

[2494] Oh, endearing, yes.

[2495] He said correct.

[2496] I know, it's teasing.

[2497] I was making an easy joke.

[2498] Yeah, sure.

[2499] No, it's not correct.

[2500] He tells great stories.

[2501] Wonderful stories.

[2502] And it was a lot of memory lane in this episode for you guys.

[2503] Uh -huh.

[2504] That was fun for you, right?

[2505] Yeah, hard to check, right?

[2506] Like, what are you going to call the people at Mountain Hood to see if he really flipped out of that downhill luge tube?

[2507] Right, exactly.

[2508] Saw the medic?

[2509] I didn't contact the medic.

[2510] I can't imagine the same medic is still working there.

[2511] What if he is?

[2512] A lifer.

[2513] That would be great.

[2514] I feel like that's a job with high turnover, don't you?

[2515] I would.

[2516] Do you remember if he seemed young or elderly or a medium?

[2517] I was so focused on Ryan's injuries and feeling a little guilty for having pushed him that far.

[2518] Okay, but that's another thing.

[2519] You didn't push him.

[2520] Well.

[2521] He chose to do that and you took it on yourself.

[2522] You did that in your head.

[2523] Well, look, I want to go down that thing as fast as humanly possible.

[2524] Okay.

[2525] But if I was being older and mature and responsible, I would think, right and I are competitive.

[2526] Maybe let's not raise the bar.

[2527] to a level where someone might have to see the medic.

[2528] I could have made that choice.

[2529] Probably still had fun, maybe.

[2530] Because you knew he was going to be competing with you, though.

[2531] I do know that, yes.

[2532] And pretty much anything he and I are going to do, there's going to be a subtext of competition.

[2533] Interesting.

[2534] Yeah.

[2535] Do we get into our fight we had during one -on -one basketball, or a game of horse?

[2536] No. One of the only times we were in a legit fight was about playing the game horse.

[2537] Okay.

[2538] And he got real sticky on something.

[2539] He was trying to call foul.

[2540] Okay.

[2541] And I didn't, I wasn't going for it.

[2542] Oh, okay.

[2543] And we got legitimately mad at one another.

[2544] You did?

[2545] Yeah, yeah.

[2546] How long did it last?

[2547] Not long at all, maybe half hour.

[2548] Oh, okay.

[2549] Yeah, but I was saying coarse things to him, and he was saying coarse things to me. Oh, my gosh.

[2550] Yeah, this isn't fair.

[2551] I'll be honest.

[2552] This isn't fair.

[2553] But for some reason, I, um, I think it's worse when you're saying coarse things to him.

[2554] You do.

[2555] Isn't that interesting?

[2556] Yeah.

[2557] Why?

[2558] I'm going to be honest about that.

[2559] I know.

[2560] I don't know why.

[2561] I think this circles back to me winning at Scrabble.

[2562] No. It doesn't?

[2563] Well, no. I'm happy that you won at Scrabble.

[2564] Well, I lost at Scrabble.

[2565] You were very happy that I lost it back with it.

[2566] The sentence you just said it was actually the opposite.

[2567] Well, you win all the time.

[2568] So I'm happy that you win all the time.

[2569] Okay.

[2570] I was happy that Molly won.

[2571] I wasn't happy that you lost.

[2572] I was happy that Molly won.

[2573] Yeah, you were just very, you were very happy.

[2574] Let's start there.

[2575] You were very happy.

[2576] And then also coincidingly, I had lost.

[2577] Right.

[2578] A lot of things were happening at once.

[2579] I was happy, Molly won, and you lost.

[2580] That's right.

[2581] All at the exact same time.

[2582] Yeah.

[2583] But yeah, why would.

[2584] Maybe it's adjacent, but I. I don't know.

[2585] I think because, hmm.

[2586] Let's really unpack this.

[2587] I bet there's something juicy at the bottom.

[2588] Probably.

[2589] Yeah.

[2590] And you can be honest.

[2591] I will be.

[2592] Here would be my guesses.

[2593] Okay.

[2594] Tell me your guesses.

[2595] Okay.

[2596] So you don't like when I'm coarse with him.

[2597] With anyone.

[2598] With anyone.

[2599] Yeah.

[2600] Yeah.

[2601] And is it because I'm tall?

[2602] Or is it because I'm very empowered by being a tall, white, wealthy, rich guy?

[2603] No, I don't think it's that because Ryan is a pretty tall.

[2604] Well, not above six foot.

[2605] Let's just be clear.

[2606] Okay.

[2607] Well, you know I'm on his side with that because you're against my height too.

[2608] I have no proof though in your own eyes debate, but in his, I have proof.

[2609] Right.

[2610] Well, I'll fact check that just right now.

[2611] I'm five feet.

[2612] Okay, great.

[2613] We'll measure you publicly and we'll find out.

[2614] Maybe at the next live show.

[2615] Okay.

[2616] Bare foot.

[2617] Okay.

[2618] Okay.

[2619] Most of my shoes are pretty flat, but okay.

[2620] Yeah, but, you know, we're talking about your real height, unaided by footwear.

[2621] All right.

[2622] Okay.

[2623] Anyway, he's, he's in my opinion, a tallish, wealthy white guy.

[2624] So there's no difference there.

[2625] Okay.

[2626] I don't think that's why.

[2627] And I'm happy that you're wealthy.

[2628] Okay.

[2629] Yeah, so what do you think that is, that I'm innately more threatening physically?

[2630] Or does it feel like a real betrayal of what I'm advertising?

[2631] then I'm nice.

[2632] Hmm, that's interesting.

[2633] No. There's like a layer of hypocrisy.

[2634] No. You're supposed to be nice.

[2635] Well, first of all, I don't think that you...

[2636] Are nice.

[2637] Present yourself.

[2638] I don't think you claim to be like Mr. Nice guy or anything.

[2639] Right.

[2640] So no, that wouldn't be hypocritical.

[2641] It probably is because I care about your feelings.

[2642] It's very hurtful when I'm mad at you.

[2643] Yes, way more than if other people are.

[2644] Right.

[2645] I relate...

[2646] Which is my issue, not yours.

[2647] No, but like why.

[2648] Otherwise, when you're mad at me, I find it very uncomfortable.

[2649] I can't stand it.

[2650] Yeah.

[2651] But, but, um.

[2652] But Ryan, let's go back to me. But Ryan, yes, but like, I guess I'm projecting because I know what it feels like when you're doing that to me. Mm -hmm.

[2653] And it feels, as you said, really uncomfortable and painful.

[2654] Mm -hmm.

[2655] So when I know you're doing that to somebody else, I'm like, I don't like it.

[2656] I'm like, I hate that thing you're doing.

[2657] Yeah.

[2658] And I use that word properly.

[2659] I don't use it anymore, but I do hate it.

[2660] Right.

[2661] And when Ryan is doing that, it doesn't come with that same level of like.

[2662] Well, I don't know that you've seen Ryan's aggressive side.

[2663] I've seen it sometimes.

[2664] You have?

[2665] You've played enough sports.

[2666] It generally is brought out during sports.

[2667] Well, during games.

[2668] Yeah, sometimes during games.

[2669] It comes out sometimes.

[2670] Yeah.

[2671] Now, by your account, how many times do you think I've been that way to you?

[2672] Because I have an opinion about how many times that's been.

[2673] I'm curious what yours is.

[2674] Oh, 60 or 70.

[2675] Oh, my goodness.

[2676] I'm just kidding.

[2677] I think three in my head.

[2678] Three?

[2679] Yeah, where I've been, like, mad at you and I'm using swear words when we're communicating.

[2680] Oh, yeah.

[2681] Okay.

[2682] So that to me is even another level.

[2683] Oh.

[2684] That's not even what I'm talking about.

[2685] Oh, it's not.

[2686] Okay, so there's even worse.

[2687] That is horrible when you do that.

[2688] Uh -huh.

[2689] Is that what you were doing to Ryan at whores?

[2690] No, not at whores.

[2691] I don't think I was swearing at whores.

[2692] When you start swearing, that's a new, that's like you just, you're a new person.

[2693] Okay.

[2694] It's my goal not to do that.

[2695] What are the three times that you can recall?

[2696] Turks and Caicos.

[2697] Yeah.

[2698] Uh -huh.

[2699] Ostensibly are fighting about my sister, which is.

[2700] I have a bad pattern of yelling at people in regards to my sister or my mom or whatever.

[2701] But it was, yeah, which is, I guess, respectable.

[2702] I don't know.

[2703] It's not.

[2704] There's no reason I need to be swearing at you.

[2705] Sure.

[2706] And then one time on the patio we got in a debate about this podcast and the inner workings of this podcast.

[2707] And I was using some F bombs.

[2708] Yeah.

[2709] Yeah.

[2710] And then I know there's a third.

[2711] and I for some reason feel like it was in the kitchen.

[2712] One time we got in one big argument after Catan, me and you did.

[2713] That was a long time ago, though.

[2714] I don't remember if there were F bombs, but there might have been.

[2715] I don't remember that in Catan.

[2716] Although we were playing Catan when the Turks and Caicos incident.

[2717] That's true.

[2718] That game's not good for me. I'll just speak for myself.

[2719] For whatever reason, I can't play that game and enjoy myself.

[2720] It never seems fun anymore.

[2721] It seems like always three people are miserable and one person's happy.

[2722] Well, oh, man. That's sad.

[2723] Yeah.

[2724] Do you think it's different than that?

[2725] Well, the last couple times we played, or maybe the last time we played, we revisited it.

[2726] Uh -huh.

[2727] And I just felt like everyone was on edge before we even started because we were afraid of that.

[2728] Yeah.

[2729] And so you're kind of right, but I don't think it needed to be that way.

[2730] Yeah.

[2731] We're just already scared that there's going to be a fight or something, yeah.

[2732] Right.

[2733] I mean, you can't say, we played it for a year straight, almost every day.

[2734] And you think, and what would you say the percentages of bad outcomes?

[2735] I would say it was about 30%.

[2736] Okay, so 70's pretty good.

[2737] It is, but nothing to me, like if you were to say one and three chances, you're going to You guys are going to be mad at each other.

[2738] There's so many activities we could take on that are also fun that we just don't end up mad at each other.

[2739] Right.

[2740] That seems to be the only one or like predictably people are going to be mad.

[2741] You're going to leave with like very few words.

[2742] You're just going to be like, all right, I'm going to go home.

[2743] And I'm like, oh, great.

[2744] There's been several of those departures that are like three, four words and you're out the door.

[2745] Sure.

[2746] And I'm like, ugh.

[2747] And then the whole night I just have this bad feeling in my stomach.

[2748] Yeah.

[2749] Yeah.

[2750] We all have unique terrible characteristics during that game.

[2751] I know I have a bunch of them.

[2752] Yeah, that's true.

[2753] Yeah, Jess does when Jess is winning, he gets too effervescent and show offy.

[2754] And that drives me crazy.

[2755] And I get moody.

[2756] You get moody.

[2757] You don't like it.

[2758] Yeah.

[2759] By my account, Kristen's always plotting against me. Like, even if I don't start off as a...

[2760] Never happening.

[2761] That is so made up in your brain.

[2762] Yeah.

[2763] no one even has a distinct lead yet and already it's the consensus is that she should come for me well you think everyone's coming for you the whole time i do i do not just her but yeah yeah yeah i do i do think that maybe it's my paranoia maybe it's the truth we would need an objective outsider to observe a game sure yeah yeah we could do that we could probably plan that bobby -wob do you Sure.

[2764] We'll get that on the books.

[2765] We'll report back.

[2766] Anyway, even just when you get stern, you get a little mean.

[2767] Okay.

[2768] Maybe that happened during horse.

[2769] And maybe Ryan got mean to it.

[2770] I think basically for me being mean to, Ryan is I get real sarcastic to him.

[2771] Yeah, I start getting real sarcastic.

[2772] Oh, interesting.

[2773] Yeah, like, oh, really, if that you think you'd be winning.

[2774] if that was, that rule had been followed.

[2775] Really, that's, that's what's deciding this game, like that kind of thing.

[2776] Sure.

[2777] And then he gets sarcastic back, and then it's just like a big toxic vortex of sarcasm.

[2778] Okay.

[2779] Maybe I would like it, actually.

[2780] Maybe I would like all of this if I were an audience member.

[2781] Yeah.

[2782] I don't think we really got down to why it is I'm not allowed to be mean to people, but other people are allowed to be mean.

[2783] We don't think we've cracked it yet.

[2784] We can circle back.

[2785] What were your, what was, your guess again too big too loud uh yeah i mean i guess that is like it's it's threatening then this i concede to like christend will say what when you raise your voice it's different when the girls in the house are raising their voice it's different oh yeah and and from my point of view i'm like no no if everyone's raising their voice i'm raising my voice too right and it's not the same and it's not the same though yeah yeah yeah i try to remind myself of that i'm sure that is a part of it I'm sure that is a part of it Yeah And it's also just your childhood Like clearly your dad never yelled at you Right?

[2786] Is that what I'm learning?

[2787] Um Very little, yeah He never did But if he did It was really bad Impactful Yes Okay When he's when he really got angry It was it was a 10 Uh huh But most of the times he's operating at a zero Like not letting anything Right He's not It's not mercurial.

[2788] It's the opposite of macurial.

[2789] No, no. But my family's kind of mercurial.

[2790] You know, and we've stormed out as a family of family reunions.

[2791] We've, you know, there's been obscenities being screamed at Christmas.

[2792] Well, yeah.

[2793] It's just, yeah.

[2794] It's kind of an elevated.

[2795] I know, but we have that.

[2796] Like every time there's a family gathering, there's always, it's always loud.

[2797] There's always so many arguments.

[2798] Everyone's.

[2799] Are people swearing?

[2800] no yeah i think that's a line we cross pretty quickly yeah maybe that's part of it yeah you're right because like my mom will start swearing have you heard her irritated yet i look forward to you seeing it because she's here now i want it directed at me no no it's best to observe her doing it to me i'll try to agitate her okay she's here till april so there's a good shot she'll lose her shit yeah i've never seen her be anything but loving to and all of the shepherd children and oh she's got a she's got a overdrive gear she can get herself into pretty easy that actually yeah you know as a kid she would she would occasionally not frequency no well that but she would hop out of her car to stoplight and like challenge a guy to a fight oh wow a man and we'd be terrified in the car like, Jesus, I hope this guy doesn't take her up on this.

[2801] Proposition, this guy's huge.

[2802] No, of course not.

[2803] She's 5 '4.

[2804] But she'd be calling the motherfucker, get out of the car motherfucker.

[2805] Wow.

[2806] You betcha.

[2807] Oh, wow.

[2808] You bet.

[2809] So it's interesting.

[2810] So it's like I recognize and accept that you guys don't appreciate or accept the way I get.

[2811] But in my mind, it's such a huge leap forward.

[2812] There's so much progress in how, you know, infrequently, I do get angry.

[2813] Yeah, I think that's true.

[2814] Yeah, by my account, it's been three times at you in the last five years.

[2815] My sister got one the other day.

[2816] That was the first time in five years.

[2817] Yeah.

[2818] And it's been a long time since I dropped any F bombs around Kristen.

[2819] Yeah, that's great.

[2820] Progress is good.

[2821] We claim progress, not perfection.

[2822] Yeah, that's right.

[2823] That's right.

[2824] All right, well, I guess let's begin.

[2825] Okay.

[2826] Does Tracy Morgan's house have a hundred bedrooms?

[2827] No. Okay.

[2828] So on Stern, that's where you heard it.

[2829] He said he purchased a 31 ,000 square foot house in New Jersey.

[2830] So 10 of our houses.

[2831] Has a bowling alley.

[2832] Several pieces of Michael Jackson memorabilia on display.

[2833] He has one of the gloves, I believe.

[2834] Oh, really?

[2835] Wow.

[2836] And a 30 ,000 gallon aquarium to house his share.

[2837] Sharks.

[2838] Right.

[2839] Okay.

[2840] And it's a million dollar tank.

[2841] Uh -huh.

[2842] But there's six bedrooms in that house.

[2843] Now, I believe Ryan said that he had a hundred bedroom.

[2844] No, you did.

[2845] Okay.

[2846] You would know.

[2847] I would.

[2848] I never thought that.

[2849] I don't know why I said that.

[2850] I just knew that it was like 30 ,000 square feet.

[2851] Oh.

[2852] Yeah.

[2853] Yeah, you said a hundred bedding.

[2854] Hyperbolic.

[2855] Yeah, hyperbolic.

[2856] But did you get into his cars at all?

[2857] Several cars worth over a million dollars.

[2858] Yeah.

[2859] And a jet, a really, really expensive jet.

[2860] But I think I saw on more recent articles that that house was for sale.

[2861] Uh -oh.

[2862] Yeah.

[2863] Okay.

[2864] I'm so nervous.

[2865] You don't need to be nervous.

[2866] I know you're nervous about people's money.

[2867] I am very nervous about people's money, but is there racism going on?

[2868] Am I more worried about his money because he's black?

[2869] No, because when we're watching Silicon Valley, all you care about is their money.

[2870] That's true.

[2871] and they're all white.

[2872] And everyone's white, except Kamail Nanjiani's character.

[2873] He is Pakistani.

[2874] Right, he sure is.

[2875] Pakistani.

[2876] Yeah.

[2877] You know what it is?

[2878] I'm nervous for all poor people who get money.

[2879] So that might extend to a lot of black folks.

[2880] Like there's a lot of athletes where I'm really nervous when I'm watching shows about how much stuff they have.

[2881] But that's also the white athletes that get money to that were poor.

[2882] I'm really nervous that they're going to.

[2883] Because I watch that 30 for 30 called Broke.

[2884] Oh, I haven't seen that.

[2885] Again, I hate putting numbers out there in the fact check.

[2886] because we'll never know but i want to say it's in the 70 % okay of NFL players will file bankruptcy within five years of leaving the league it's it's preposterously high and they made this really good point in there which is the general pattern for people with normal jobs is you make very little when you graduate college and then you're earning potential increases increases increases till about your mid 40s is when it peaks out now you've had 20 years experience of handling finances and then you get the most amount of money you're ever trusted with.

[2887] Sure.

[2888] Whereas these athletes, they're 21.

[2889] They've never managed a checkbook or made a payment on anything.

[2890] And they're given the bulk of the money they'll ever get.

[2891] Yeah.

[2892] And of course, yeah, it's not a great recipe for long, yeah, yeah, continued wealth.

[2893] Okay, so Tracy, just real quick, Tracy told Howard about his tank that he loves his motherfucking aquarium and that he loves marine life.

[2894] Uh -huh.

[2895] So is Machiavellian Tupac's alter ego?

[2896] Um, yeah.

[2897] Macaveli?

[2898] Because you said Machiavellian and then Ryan said, oh, isn't that Tupac's alter ego?

[2899] Ah.

[2900] Um, shrouded in a cloud of conspiracy theories, it's been widely uttered that Tupac formed his Machaveli moniker during a stint in prison where, he studied the works of Machiavelli.

[2901] Allegedly inspired by Machiavelli's attempts of fooling his enemies by faking his own death, Tupac recorded his sixth studio album under the Machiavelli stage name, which was released posthumously as the rapper died six months prior to the LP's scheduled release, resulting in a wave of bizarre speculation that Tupac faked his own death.

[2902] I just got to feel like no matter how thorough his plan is, Tupac's coming up for air to get some ass at some point.

[2903] I just think you're just coming up.

[2904] Oh, sure.

[2905] You know what I'm saying?

[2906] Yeah.

[2907] I just can't see it.

[2908] Eventually you slip because you want to go out and get some ass.

[2909] I don't think that happened with Bin Laden.

[2910] He wasn't getting any ass?

[2911] Well, he wasn't coming up for air.

[2912] They found a lot of pornography on his computer.

[2913] Do you remember that part?

[2914] No. Yeah, yeah.

[2915] He was definitely indulging in Western porn.

[2916] But I just don't think People weren't seeing him out and about fucking and stuff.

[2917] You're right.

[2918] You're right.

[2919] So he kept it under.

[2920] Although, Tupac's been much longer.

[2921] Also, Bin Laden had dozens of wives.

[2922] He was well harrimmed up.

[2923] So he might not have needed to surface for ass.

[2924] That's true.

[2925] Although even with that harem, he's still on that you porn, which is really interesting.

[2926] You would think if you had yourself a dozen wives, your lust would be slaked.

[2927] And it just goes to show the bottomless pit.

[2928] that is human hornyness.

[2929] Yeah, or just a crazy pathology.

[2930] Yeah.

[2931] That it's never enough.

[2932] It's just never enough.

[2933] Yeah.

[2934] I would love to know what he was searching.

[2935] Like, I'm going to go out on a limb.

[2936] I feel it's like cheerleaders.

[2937] No. You know, something exotic.

[2938] Like something he was not getting, he didn't have access to.

[2939] Remember when Michael Pena was on and he was talking about Pam?

[2940] Yeah, exactly.

[2941] He was probably searching.

[2942] I'm like Pam, Debbie, Karen, Michelle, cheerleader.

[2943] Maybe.

[2944] Yeah.

[2945] Which, oh, the irony, because, like, they're just not allowed to be cheerleaders there.

[2946] Correct.

[2947] By him.

[2948] That's right.

[2949] Yeah.

[2950] By his rules.

[2951] Do you think sometimes he would have not cheerleading nights and he would let them all cheer in front of him and teach them cheers and stuff?

[2952] To be honest, yes.

[2953] I think all these people that have.

[2954] these rules they live under they're they make an exception for themselves yeah like i don't want to out anybody but i was around people that that lived in a country with sharia law in fact they had imposed that law and these people all drank and i found that a little bit hypocritical yeah i think that people who have money and uh means they do whatever the fuck they want in general i'm sure there's a because also it's not about the rules it's about wielding power and controlling other people exactly so Ryan, I'm going to go ahead and fact check him correct on he was not an extra because I know why Kristen thinks that.

[2955] It's a better story.

[2956] No, no. She thinks that because, look, when I'm on a commercial and I'm looking somewhere, I wasn't an extra in that commercial.

[2957] I booked that commercial.

[2958] I auditioned for it and I was cast in that.

[2959] Her theory is he was started as background and they gave him.

[2960] him a line.

[2961] Oh.

[2962] That's her exact theory.

[2963] Oh, okay.

[2964] So I believe Ryan, because he knows if he auditioned what she did.

[2965] Right.

[2966] And if you audition for something and then you book it, you're not an extra.

[2967] That's right.

[2968] You're a day player.

[2969] Yeah.

[2970] Co -starring role.

[2971] Supporting cast.

[2972] That's a few of five lines are under.

[2973] You're a co -star.

[2974] Oh.

[2975] Yeah.

[2976] Five lines or under or five lines isn't over?

[2977] Five lines are under.

[2978] It would be, it's called a co -star.

[2979] Well, there's also a thing called featured extra.

[2980] And to me, that would be five and under, I would imagine.

[2981] And then above five is a guest star.

[2982] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, so I'm getting into a real touchy territory.

[2983] No, you're not, but you, look, I don't mean to throw this out there about you two, but you're a little bit out of touch.

[2984] Sure, it's been 20 years since I figured out how to get into SAG, where I got my Taft -Hartley paperwork and all that.

[2985] So you're right, it's 20 years ago.

[2986] When you were auditioning for one line and two lines, stop.

[2987] That was a long time ago, for the both of you.

[2988] By the way, I never even did that.

[2989] I auditioned for commercials for 10 years.

[2990] And then I went from punked to without a paddle.

[2991] I never, like, went and did little roles on TV shows.

[2992] Yeah.

[2993] So I actually missed the whole under five round that you would normally go through as you're building.

[2994] It went no work ever punked then without a paddle.

[2995] Exactly.

[2996] Yeah.

[2997] I mean, cheaper by the dozen.

[2998] Right.

[2999] So in that, so Sean Levy was on an episode of Punked, and he really liked me. Mm -hmm.

[3000] And then so he just offered me that role.

[3001] That's nice.

[3002] And then I went away almost immediately after in film without a panel.

[3003] Got it.

[3004] Got it.

[3005] Got it.

[3006] Well, yeah.

[3007] So, again, so you're a little out of touch, and that's fine.

[3008] And congrats.

[3009] Okay, great.

[3010] But, yeah, you don't want to call someone an extra when.

[3011] they're not one.

[3012] It really takes away.

[3013] But what if someone really was just an extra?

[3014] Then they had been around in some scenes and they started noticing like, hey, that guy's charismatic.

[3015] Let's give him a line.

[3016] That's also a great story.

[3017] There's no shame in that version of the story.

[3018] No, it's a wonderful story.

[3019] But then they're not an extra anymore.

[3020] Well, as soon as they have the line, correct.

[3021] But I just think the debate here is that Kristen believes he had originally been hired his background.

[3022] Then they gave him a line.

[3023] And he's saying, no, he auditioned to always be someone that was going to speak, which is great.

[3024] Both stories are good.

[3025] You don't audition to be an extra.

[3026] You do not.

[3027] You do not.

[3028] So, yeah.

[3029] Okay.

[3030] Anyway, okay, speaking of live shows, I mean, we weren't, but you said it earlier that we would measure my height at a live show.

[3031] Oh, uh -huh.

[3032] Ryan said that we should have a T -shirt gun at a live show, and we should.

[3033] We 100 % should, and we should shoot out armchair swag.

[3034] Exactly.

[3035] Rob, starred ordering.

[3036] There are a couple thousand dollars, but I can't think of a better way to spend too.

[3037] grand it's a must rob it's a must or we at least need to look into rentals when we arrive places money is no option no money is no object we have a we have an inside joke about money is with the perfect 10 and ryan hanson they argued for a month about whether the expression was money is no option or money is no object correct their debates are the funniest things in the world it is like listening to six -year -olds try to figure something out they're both bright guys you Yeah, when they debate each other, neither can figure out up or down.

[3038] Okay.

[3039] So how old was Taylor Lautner and Twilight?

[3040] You said 16 or 17 and he was 16.

[3041] Yeah.

[3042] And you were saying that moms liked him and your friend didn't like that.

[3043] Yeah.

[3044] Oh, okay.

[3045] So how many people were at Ryan and Amy's wedding?

[3046] He says 650 and she says 500.

[3047] So I called Amy.

[3048] And she said that from her memory, they invited 700 and 500 Oh my God.

[3049] That would be my whole school when I was...

[3050] 700 people at their wedding.

[3051] Oh my God.

[3052] Like a royal wedding.

[3053] She said and 500 came and then she asked her mom, which I thought was very thorough.

[3054] And her mom said they bought 500 white chairs that they knew they could use and rent out.

[3055] So she said it's good proof that there was $5 .50.

[3056] because they were all full and then there was a little more standing room only yeah so wow what a successful wedding i know i'm kind of jealous because i i don't i wouldn't 550 people would never come to my wedding no me either yeah and i'm on television now i'm most curious about what the take was like when they added up all the money people gave them i wonder how much they walked with Good question.

[3057] Thousands of dollars.

[3058] Even if each guest only gave them $10 ,000, that's $5 ,000.

[3059] But they probably gave them $100.

[3060] Well, these are like high schoolers.

[3061] Well, listen, let's just say for shits and giggies that it was $100.

[3062] Now you're talking $50 ,000 they walked with.

[3063] Yeah.

[3064] Maybe this whole thing was a money -making scheme.

[3065] That's a good money -making scheme.

[3066] I'd do that.

[3067] Great scheme, guys.

[3068] Because also your parents are paying.

[3069] They're foot in the bill for this thing.

[3070] Yes.

[3071] You're just, it's just a positive, net positive.

[3072] All profit.

[3073] Buy yourself a 31 ,000 square foot home with a million dollar shark tank.

[3074] Oh, yeah.

[3075] Okay, so you didn't know Pacific Sunware, and we wondered if maybe they didn't have any in Michigan.

[3076] But there are a lot of Pacific Sunwar stores in Michigan now.

[3077] I recognize it's now.

[3078] Maybe they weren't then.

[3079] There's no way for me to know that.

[3080] But now, if you want to go to a pack sun in Michigan, you can go to Ann Arbor, Grand Rapids, Sterling Heights, Novi?

[3081] Novi.

[3082] Interesting story about Novi.

[3083] Okay.

[3084] Look at that word, Novi.

[3085] Novi.

[3086] Yes.

[3087] And you know why it's called Novi?

[3088] Why?

[3089] Because there was a train station in Novi back in the day, and it was the sixth station when leaving Detroit.

[3090] So it was N -O -V -I, Roman numeral V -I.

[3091] It was stop number six.

[3092] Oh.

[3093] Novi.

[3094] Number six.

[3095] Interesting.

[3096] Isn't that a great little bit of history on Novi, Michigan?

[3097] I like that.

[3098] Ken Kennedy is from Novi, Michigan.

[3099] Oh, he is.

[3100] Oh, wow.

[3101] It's kind of similar to Dumbo.

[3102] Tell me about Dumbo.

[3103] Dumbo in New York is...

[3104] Oh, not the elephant from the cartoons.

[3105] No, I'm sorry.

[3106] Okay.

[3107] Dumbo in New York is down under Manhattan Bridge Overpass.

[3108] Oh, and it's a store?

[3109] No, Dumbo's an area.

[3110] Oh, okay, great.

[3111] Yeah, it's an area.

[3112] It's a location.

[3113] How embarrassing, I like to act cosmopolitan and hip to all these.

[3114] I know.

[3115] I hope I'm right about exactly what those letters stand for, but it's something like that.

[3116] Yeah, I like that.

[3117] And I like it.

[3118] Okay, so Grand Rapids, Sterling Heights, Novi, Granville, Byron.

[3119] Center, Auburn Hills, and Troy.

[3120] I worked in Troy.

[3121] Lots of them.

[3122] Saw basketball games at the Palace of Auburn Hills.

[3123] That's where the Pistos played.

[3124] Do you get a lot of nostalgia when I read all those?

[3125] Absolutely.

[3126] Yeah, I thought you might.

[3127] Ann Arbor is probably the hippest town in Michigan.

[3128] It's where Ann Arbor, I'm sorry, it's where U of M is.

[3129] And then Grand Rapids, which is the biggest city in Michigan.

[3130] It had always been Detroit, but they fell under a million a long time ago.

[3131] I believe Grand Rapids is either at a million or a million.

[3132] above.

[3133] It's the biggest city.

[3134] And they do a lot of product testing in Grand Rapids.

[3135] So that was where you could go and get that clear Pepsi that didn't work out.

[3136] Oh, cool.

[3137] Yeah, they test shit there.

[3138] I'm against Pepsi because I'm from Atlanta, so I'm a Coke girl.

[3139] That makes sense.

[3140] Yeah.

[3141] Coca -Cola.

[3142] Yeah, exactly.

[3143] Me and the boys are going to go knock back a couple of co -colas.

[3144] Love that movie.

[3145] Okay.

[3146] Was Amy at the hockey game where you and Kristen really met?

[3147] Kindled.

[3148] Yes.

[3149] Yes, she was.

[3150] And she was pretty offended that nobody remembered that.

[3151] Oh, boy.

[3152] I bet she was.

[3153] Everyone kidding.

[3154] Well, I had my hands full.

[3155] I had my hands full.

[3156] She actually said it was fine that you didn't.

[3157] But Ryan should have.

[3158] And by the way, Ryan thought she was.

[3159] So everyone's doing okay.

[3160] Okay, yeah, yeah.

[3161] I was like trying to land a chick.

[3162] I was busy.

[3163] And you did.

[3164] Yeah.

[3165] You were successful.

[3166] Yeah, if I had to spend all a bunch of time like checking it with Amy, maybe we're all not sitting here.

[3167] That's true.

[3168] Sorry, Ames.

[3169] Yeah, because also.

[3170] Also, if you saw Amy, you might have started asking her for her gum.

[3171] Could have happened.

[3172] Because you love her.

[3173] She was only 22 at the time, 23.

[3174] Yeah.

[3175] One of the prettiest human beings I've ever seen.

[3176] Yeah.

[3177] Yeah.

[3178] And as nice as the day is long.

[3179] She really is.

[3180] But then Ryan would have socked me from behind in his pink outfit.

[3181] Yeah, in his flamingo outfit.

[3182] Yeah.

[3183] Yeah.

[3184] Okay.

[3185] So we talk a little bit about your growth.

[3186] Oh, uh -huh.

[3187] Yeah.

[3188] Yeah, which I like.

[3189] Yeah, although we started this podcast with this fact check by demonstrating all my, yeah.

[3190] How you haven't really grown all that much.

[3191] That's right.

[3192] But that's not true.

[3193] You have.

[3194] And I think it's wonderful and you should be proud of yourself.

[3195] Thank you.

[3196] And one of the stories is that you would kick people out of your seat at Kristen's house.

[3197] Yes.

[3198] After we talked a little bit about it, I came to the conclusion that this is a male dominance thing.

[3199] because we all went to dinner after this episode and it was a bunch of our friends, girls and guys.

[3200] And I was asking the girls, does anyone have a seat at the table that's theirs that they feel ownership over?

[3201] Ownership over, exactly.

[3202] And none of the women did.

[3203] And a lot of the guys were like, yeah, they at least recognize that feeling and that instinct.

[3204] and women are just way more flexible.

[3205] We're more territorial, I guess.

[3206] Yeah.

[3207] But I want to add to this.

[3208] Okay.

[3209] So when he told that story, I didn't remember it, but it also sounded in keeping with who I was 11 years ago.

[3210] But there's a much, much bigger piece of the puzzle that when we went out to dinner, it was revealed.

[3211] Someone goes, oh, yeah, I know that story.

[3212] It was Chris Lowell.

[3213] That's who you told to get out of the seat.

[3214] And once I heard it was Chris Lowell, I'm like, oh, it's 100 % true.

[3215] I definitely did that.

[3216] I don't know that I would have done it to someone else.

[3217] But Chris Loll, who was on Veronica Mars, who was one of Kristen's friends, was very cute.

[3218] He was very young, and he was very traveling every five days without any plans and inviting all the friends.

[3219] And I think I had, in my head, some insecurity about being older than everyone.

[3220] And this guy kind of represented everything that I was nervous Kristen would be wanted and was settling for this older.

[3221] man, me. Got it.

[3222] So I think he was very threatening.

[3223] Yeah.

[3224] So that's my side of the street.

[3225] And then Lowell's also a button pusher.

[3226] So he recognized that I was agitated by him at times and he liked to push.

[3227] So I don't think for a second that he wasn't intentional about sitting in that seat to begin with.

[3228] And I own 100 % that I definitely would have had a showdown with Chris Lowell at the time.

[3229] Now I love him and I don't have any of those fears.

[3230] Okay.

[3231] Yeah.

[3232] Hmm.

[3233] That's interesting.

[3234] Yeah.

[3235] Once I heard it was Lowell, I was like, oh yeah, definitely happened.

[3236] But I think you would have done that with other people.

[3237] And I even have seen you do it recently.

[3238] In my house.

[3239] In your house.

[3240] Yes, I have a seat in my house.

[3241] Yeah, but I don't have a seat in my house.

[3242] But you have a seat in my house.

[3243] I can tell you where your seat is.

[3244] And when people sit in your seat, like if random people are going to watch TV with us at night, and someone sits in your seat, I go, oh, Monica sits there.

[3245] I do that for you.

[3246] Oh, but you don't need to.

[3247] It doesn't matter.

[3248] That's your spot.

[3249] It's okay that you have a spot.

[3250] And the other people will be fine somewhere else.

[3251] No, no, no, I don't agree.

[3252] I think it, look, it's sweet that you do that.

[3253] But let's start with the facts.

[3254] You prefer that spot, and we know you do because you sit in the exact same spot every single time.

[3255] But that's because that has nothing to do with the spot.

[3256] I mean, sure.

[3257] It's a good spot.

[3258] It's that you have your spot.

[3259] That's right.

[3260] That's very, no one's messing with that spot.

[3261] It's right next to the end table.

[3262] And I always have about 16 drinks going at one time.

[3263] Yeah.

[3264] I'm drinking flat water, bubbly water, some kind of like healthy shake, you know, some athletic greens shit.

[3265] Six or seven paris.

[3266] That's right.

[3267] Yeah.

[3268] And I bought that end table and that couch and it's my house.

[3269] So I do feel entitled to sit in that seat.

[3270] And I don't think that makes me a bad person.

[3271] It doesn't make you a bad person.

[3272] If I go to Ryan's house, it's his house.

[3273] I don't want to sit in his seat.

[3274] I want him to sit in the catbird seat.

[3275] It's his house.

[3276] There doesn't need to be a catbird.

[3277] It doesn't need to be someone's above.

[3278] Someone owns the couch.

[3279] Someone's this.

[3280] It's just everyone's just there.

[3281] You should move to communist China.

[3282] I should.

[3283] Maybe I should.

[3284] That sounds fine to me. I don't.

[3285] How is that different than when you get into someone's car?

[3286] The guy who owns the car, the woman who owns the car drives the car.

[3287] It's her fucking car.

[3288] I'd be perfectly fine with someone else driving my car, driving me where I want to go.

[3289] I don't care about that.

[3290] I don't have that about.

[3291] items.

[3292] Great.

[3293] I don't want someone driving my car when they get in it.

[3294] And if I go in someone else's car, I acknowledge it's their car and I'm relegated to the passenger seat.

[3295] Also, you know that's not the same thing because it is identical to me. No, it's not because a car you're protective of and you might, someone might crash it or something.

[3296] There's a high risk involved.

[3297] No, it's that I bought it so I'm entitled to drive it.

[3298] I paid for it so I'm the one who gets to drive it.

[3299] That's what it is in my mind.

[3300] I just think it's a waste of energy to be super concerned with who is in my spot, who's sitting where.

[3301] I mean, look, some spots are better than others where you can, like, put your feet out.

[3302] That's nice.

[3303] I understand that.

[3304] Yeah.

[3305] But if someone's in my spot, the idea of saying, oh, actually, that's my spot.

[3306] Can you move?

[3307] Yeah.

[3308] And that's actually the nicest way of saying it.

[3309] Uh -huh.

[3310] Um, you would never do it.

[3311] Never.

[3312] Never.

[3313] And here's me. Even in my house.

[3314] So here's the choice I have to make.

[3315] Because if I have to sit in the middle of the couch with no end table and I've got to somehow juggle my five drinks, I will not enjoy watching TV.

[3316] Sure.

[3317] So in that case, if I'm deciding, like, I just don't, I'd rather not have to be awkward and confront someone about it.

[3318] Uh, if I accept that, then I'm not inviting anyone over to watch TV because I'm not going to enjoy watching TV holding on the five drinks.

[3319] I just, so then I'll just won't have.

[3320] anyone over.

[3321] So for me, the choice is really like, I'm just honest about where I want to sit, and then I can have many people over.

[3322] Otherwise, it's just going to be me so that I don't have to deal with that.

[3323] I think I value the company over the drink station.

[3324] I'd rather have people in my life sitting on the couch with me that I like than being by myself and being able to reach a drink.

[3325] Right.

[3326] That's a good priority to have.

[3327] Yeah, I think so.

[3328] I'm pretty happy about that.

[3329] And then also, I know what it's like going into a house and feeling like, I don't know what to do here.

[3330] I don't know where to sit.

[3331] I don't know what to do.

[3332] I'm going to mess something up and I don't like that.

[3333] Well, hold on, though.

[3334] Let's be very clear.

[3335] I am the person that you come in my house.

[3336] I'm like, go take a bath.

[3337] Go through all the cupboards.

[3338] Make whatever you want.

[3339] Use the grill.

[3340] Go into the garage.

[3341] Get whatever toys out you want for the kids.

[3342] It's not like in any way, my house is you're on eggshells.

[3343] But I do sit in a certain seat when I watch TV.

[3344] Yeah.

[3345] Yeah.

[3346] And the only person who has the right to tell me to get out of that seat is Kristen.

[3347] And if she wants to do that, then I'll give it up to her.

[3348] She's also paid for the couch.

[3349] Okay.

[3350] Okay.

[3351] Does hydration affect erections?

[3352] The more hydrated your body is the higher your volume of blood cells and plasma.

[3353] And the more efficiently blood can flow through your veins and arteries.

[3354] A low volume of red blood cells and plasma can lead to erectile dysfunction because the penis cannot get enough oxygen and nutrient -rich blood to maintain an erection.

[3355] Second, when fluid levels in your body fall, your body starts creating a hormone called angiotensin.

[3356] Angiotensin.

[3357] This hormone causes blood vessels to constrict or tighten.

[3358] This can lead to an increase in blood pressure and it prevents adequate blood flow through the body.

[3359] This includes blood flow to the penis.

[3360] Oh, wow.

[3361] So it sounds like there is a scientific basis for this problem Ryan and I were experiencing.

[3362] Yes, that's true.

[3363] Max flasticity.

[3364] I'm going to label it that.

[3365] Maximum flaccicity.

[3366] Great.

[3367] Flacidity?

[3368] Flacidity?

[3369] Flacid.

[3370] Probably bad.

[3371] Flacidity.

[3372] Yeah.

[3373] So if you want that penis to be plump when the time calls for it, stay hydrated.

[3374] That's the takeaway.

[3375] Get six, seven drinks.

[3376] Put them next to your favorite place to watch TV and get hydrated.

[3377] Yeah, exactly.

[3378] Oh, we talked a little bit about the Hard Rock Cafe because Ryan worked there and got fired.

[3379] And I just wanted to add.

[3380] I didn't get to add in the episode that I used to collect Hard Rock Cafe T -shirts.

[3381] And how many did you have?

[3382] I wish I really knew.

[3383] I don't know a lot.

[3384] Uh -huh.

[3385] Probably at least 20.

[3386] I would like you to research why people collect stuff.

[3387] Okay.

[3388] Well, I was just about to say I used to love collecting.

[3389] I really liked a collection.

[3390] And that definitely is some psychological thing.

[3391] Yeah, I think it's like almost a version of OCD where you're like control.

[3392] Yeah, it's controlling.

[3393] There's something adjacent to controlling.

[3394] There's something in your life that you want that you can't have.

[3395] Mm -hmm.

[3396] So the search of collecting and getting stuff feels really good.

[3397] Yeah, the gathering.

[3398] Yeah, because I also used to collect got milk ads, as you know.

[3399] Oh, yes, yes.

[3400] Yes, what the, what celebrities?

[3401] Obviously.

[3402] Yeah.

[3403] And you also have expressed that that's the itch that shopping scratches for you.

[3404] Absolutely, yeah.

[3405] Is that when you're feeling a lack of control about your life and environment, you'll get into a shop over at Americana, not Americana, the grove.

[3406] How dare you.

[3407] Well, they have a grove and the Americana is a grove, right?

[3408] Same company.

[3409] Same company, but not the same.

[3410] Okay, different experience.

[3411] But you'll get yourself into one of those shops.

[3412] and you'll just start popping that credit card down.

[3413] Okay, but, okay.

[3414] And collecting a bunch of garments and stuff.

[3415] And then as you're walking to your car with many, many bags, you feel better.

[3416] Yeah.

[3417] I don't want to put out the wrong idea.

[3418] I'm not overspending.

[3419] Okay, well, okay.

[3420] I'm not.

[3421] What was the bath mat I was really concerned about?

[3422] Didn't you buy a $500?

[3423] I spent too much money, but I don't overspend.

[3424] I don't spend more than I have.

[3425] Okay, right.

[3426] You're still responsible -ish.

[3427] Ish.

[3428] Yeah.

[3429] I don't know.

[3430] I mean, anyone who has got a $500.

[3431] bath mats.

[3432] You can't be labeled responsible.

[3433] It's not $500.

[3434] It's like $30.

[3435] No, I would never have been worried about a $30 bath mat.

[3436] That sounds...

[3437] Are you talking about the throw pillows?

[3438] How much were those?

[3439] I didn't get them.

[3440] You didn't get them, but how much were they?

[3441] They were $500.

[3442] Okay, great.

[3443] Yeah, you were circling a set of throw pillows and I was very concerned.

[3444] There were $500 a piece.

[3445] I did not get them although I was back at that store last weekend and there was a new one and it was 300 and I held it for about three minutes and I thought I can buy this if I want it uh -huh it's only 300 now sure for pillow that's a good deal 40 % off and I got kind of like sassy about it like I can really buy this if I want you're like you were arguing with your parents in your head with you And then I did not get it.

[3446] I didn't get it.

[3447] You didn't get it?

[3448] No. Do you feel good about not getting it or bad?

[3449] I feel good about it.

[3450] Okay.

[3451] Yeah.

[3452] All right.

[3453] I do.

[3454] What's funny is I would buy you that pillow.

[3455] I would not want you to buy yourself that pillow.

[3456] Well, I would not want you to buy me that.

[3457] Well, I guess we're not getting this pillow.

[3458] And I guess not.

[3459] It's going to stay at the store.

[3460] All right.

[3461] That's it.

[3462] Well, I love you.

[3463] I love you.

[3464] And I love Ryan Hansen.

[3465] Me too.

[3466] And I love you.

[3467] armcherrys.

[3468] Me too.

[3469] Night night.

[3470] Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[3471] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

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