Jimmy Fallon

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome.

[1] I'm trying to be the shredder.

[2] Who's the shredder?

[3] Oh.

[4] Now I'm trying to do Easter eggs in that.

[5] Okay, try it again.

[6] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[7] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert.

[8] That's an Easter egg.

[9] Maybe everyone turned it off.

[10] No, no. It's rough.

[11] It's fun to do Easter eggs.

[12] I like Easter eggs.

[13] And it's the season.

[14] It's Easter.

[15] Ding, ding, ding.

[16] I think of those.

[17] Today we have a very, very, very, very extra funny person.

[18] But beyond funny, just talented as a motherfucker.

[19] Oh, my God, you should see a signature.

[20] That's a great point.

[21] He's also a calligrapher.

[22] Fuck, that's not even in the description, Wobby.

[23] Jimmy Fallon is a television host, a comedian, and actor.

[24] He's also an incredible musician.

[25] Yes.

[26] And as you just said, spoiler alert, he's a calligrapher.

[27] I don't know if it's actually calligraphy.

[28] His signature is incredible.

[29] He shows his book with his signature in it.

[30] Also another spoiler alert.

[31] An inventor.

[32] Big time.

[33] He's a huge inventor.

[34] Okay, listen, he is the host of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Phelan.

[35] We fall in love with him on Saturday Night Live.

[36] He also, and this may shock people, but he's a very prolific children's book author.

[37] Yes.

[38] His huge first hit was, your baby's first words will be da -da.

[39] And then everything is Mama, then five more sleep still Christmas.

[40] And his new book comes out tomorrow.

[41] Tomorrow, tomorrow.

[42] I bet you could pre -order it today for tomorrow.

[43] It's called Nana Loves You More.

[44] please enjoy Jimmy Phelan.

[45] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now.

[46] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[47] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[48] He's an upchair expert.

[49] He's an option next to.

[50] Check, check.

[51] Check, check.

[52] Who is that scary guy next to you?

[53] Rodney Dangerfield.

[54] I read about this in your entrepreneur interview.

[55] You hit record yet on your recorder?

[56] Oh, Jesus.

[57] You hit record?

[58] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[59] I've been recording.

[60] In fact, the podcast is over on my end.

[61] Don't believe I'll know how he did it.

[62] And it's really good.

[63] It's one of the very best ones we've ever done.

[64] Yeah, just send it over to us and we'll backfill the questions.

[65] You just go like, oh, I think I was 29 when that happened.

[66] I answered 150 questions.

[67] The first interview that was done backwards.

[68] You guys look great.

[69] Thanks for having me on.

[70] I appreciate this.

[71] We're so excited.

[72] Yeah, I'm very excited to see you.

[73] So I read the entrepreneur interview.

[74] You're already smiling, but I'm sincere.

[75] And the interviewer commented that he tried or she tried to pick up that Rodney Dangerfield statue with both hands and found it hard.

[76] What would you say the weight is?

[77] I'd say it's 20 pounds, 25 pounds?

[78] Wow.

[79] Oh, my God.

[80] You ever bang out any curls for the girls in your office with it?

[81] Honestly, I actually do have these very expensive dumbbells that somebody bought me. Ooh.

[82] They're Swedish dumbbells.

[83] They're in kilograms.

[84] Oh, wonderful.

[85] So that says 10.

[86] So that's 22 pounds.

[87] Thank you.

[88] Yeah.

[89] Do you have my number?

[90] I want you to call me anytime you're like.

[91] Fast math.

[92] How many teaspoons go into a tablespoon?

[93] Oh, I'm out to see you at that one.

[94] I don't know.

[95] Dude, I would say they're equal.

[96] Oh, my God.

[97] They're equal.

[98] And I'm struggling.

[99] And so the listener understands the Swedish dumbbell.

[100] is really, really minimalist.

[101] It's sleek, it's gorgeous, it's simple.

[102] Who is it wood?

[103] You know, of course it's wood.

[104] I only live with wooden weights.

[105] I have allergies and certain metals and any rubber grips and stuff.

[106] So at the gym, I'm kind of a nightmare.

[107] The whole gym has to be like medieval.

[108] You have a big broomstick with weights piled on the end for your bench.

[109] Exactly what it is.

[110] That's just the way I work out.

[111] That's how I get the body that everyone's talking about, you know.

[112] Yeah, I'm glad you started us off there because I was worried about the transition into your routine.

[113] No, I get right into it.

[114] I get up.

[115] I run 20 miles.

[116] And then I have a car pick me up because I'm not going to run back.

[117] You know, I try to go in a different direction and see new places.

[118] Oh, my God.

[119] And then they drive me back to the studio and I start my day.

[120] Then you hit the woods.

[121] Yeah.

[122] You guys want to hit the wood.

[123] That's how I say.

[124] And no one joins me. Dax, I don't know if I've seen you in years.

[125] Yeah, maybe a decade.

[126] I can't imagine you think about me as much as I've thought about you.

[127] Well, and also I just researched.

[128] you, but are you aware of the insane parallels between our lives?

[129] It's uncanny.

[130] I'm going to unfurl them for you, but are you aware of any of them just right now at face value?

[131] I remember two things about you, and one might not be true, but I think we did improv together at the groundlings in L .A. I think like one of the wow classes, like, yeah, stay fit between classes.

[132] But I remember being impressed because you're very good improvisers, and I loved doing that with you.

[133] I also remember I was asked to host David Letterman's show when Dave had...

[134] either a heart attack or shingles.

[135] Oh, wow.

[136] Neither a great option.

[137] No. And I hosted the show, much to NBC's chagrin, they did not enjoy that at all.

[138] I got a letter from the head of late night saying, please don't do this.

[139] We love you here at Saturday Live.

[140] We want a future with you for you to do CBS.

[141] This would be the worst thing.

[142] Like, please don't do this.

[143] We're going to ask you officially not to do this and pass.

[144] Oh, my God.

[145] And I was like, no, I can never pass.

[146] One of my idols, I love Dave Letterman.

[147] And I remember doing Letterman.

[148] And they said, here's the only.

[149] problem.

[150] We're not going to help you with the monologue or the booking of guests or any other fits.

[151] You can't do a top 10 list or anything.

[152] I go, okay.

[153] They're like, who do you know?

[154] Or we have these people that we, and I remember they said something about Dak Shepard.

[155] And I go, I love Dak Shepard.

[156] He would be great to have on.

[157] I think you were doing punked at the time.

[158] Yes.

[159] So my memory of it's crystal clear because that was the very first time I was on a late night talk show.

[160] Additionally, and this is not a burn to you, but it's a really funny story.

[161] That's like kind saying, hey, don't take this the wrong way.

[162] Already I'm feeling like it's a burn to me. No, no, it is not a bird.

[163] You're like saying, Jimmy, don't take this the wrong way.

[164] I already took it the wrong way.

[165] Your face looks like a canned ham.

[166] All I got was a call that said, David Letterman wants you to be on the show.

[167] I already knows it burn.

[168] So I fly to New York.

[169] I've never been on a late night talk show.

[170] Obviously, Letterman is God, right?

[171] So I can't even believe this is happening.

[172] I fly there.

[173] I don't even have a nice outfit.

[174] And it is on the ride to the...

[175] where I asked my agent, who else is on the show?

[176] And he said, oh, Kristana Loken, the gal from the new Terminator, great memory, Jimmy Phelan, and you.

[177] I write back, that's too many guests.

[178] Am I even really on?

[179] Because Phelan will be on before I'll be on.

[180] I'll be on.

[181] I'm thinking, are they adding a third segment that seems implausible?

[182] And then I say that to the agent.

[183] Let me do some more digging.

[184] Oh, Phelan's hosting.

[185] It was the last minute feeling because something happened with Dave, and I think it was a heart attack.

[186] Have you seen the shingles commercial?

[187] I think I'd rather have a heart attack than shingles, based on what the commercial tells me. I'll tell you what commercial I keep watching, and I think that she's a great actress, but there's one for Xantak or something, where someone's sneezing, he's doing like trust falls, and he has the girl on his back, and he's going like, and she's like making these really funny faces, and she's on his back.

[188] And I'm like, she deserves whatever commercial Emmys they give for, what are they called?

[189] The Rodney Dangerfield Award.

[190] Oh, my God.

[191] Don't make me lift it up again.

[192] Please.

[193] I'm exhausted.

[194] No, it's going to stay there.

[195] Wherever I put it, it stays there for the next three hours.

[196] Monica, you have a great laugh.

[197] You have a couple different laughs.

[198] Oh, thank you.

[199] Oh, do I?

[200] Do you want to do an impression?

[201] I want to hear, as the interview goes, your different laughs.

[202] You do like three different ones.

[203] As we go on, I'll see if we hit all.

[204] This is new.

[205] Do you think one's fake and one's authentic?

[206] Oh, I hope not.

[207] I live in a world where everything's real.

[208] Do you get told that you have a Bradley Cooper quality?

[209] Oh, my God.

[210] I'm getting those vibes.

[211] Oh, wow.

[212] Are you?

[213] I think I probably know Bradley too well to see it.

[214] But it's not.

[215] It's like a quality.

[216] You also didn't have to answer really, Dax.

[217] I'm going to pass on that answer.

[218] Because I think Monica's got a point.

[219] I didn't want to discount her observation, but I also want to say I've known him for 15 years very intimately.

[220] I just want to take a good look at you.

[221] Oh, God.

[222] I love that part of the movie where the way talks is in the movie.

[223] You know, it's tough being on the movie.

[224] road.

[225] Here's my first song.

[226] Oh, rock and roll, oh, rock and roll.

[227] We're going out and down in the shallow, lo, la, la, lo.

[228] Oh, that was a good song.

[229] This next song.

[230] It's called Frick Rabbit Tams.

[231] It's called Give Me the Biggins.

[232] It's called Give Me the Biggins.

[233] Here he goes, Give me the Biggins, give it to me now.

[234] Ooh, la, la. That was a great song.

[235] I wrote that song in the bag of a tour bus again as a friend of his i watch his talk show appearances and you guys trying to talk about the elephant man there's nothing more incredible oh my god there's a moment bradley says my man couldn't walk he said my man dude and that made me laugh harder than anything and we were in these dumb wigs and i was trying to help him i go right let's take the wigs off it's reset and you know me i laughed all the time and so i'm just laughing at the stuff and i'm like oh my god i couldn't stop it at all I couldn't stop laughing, and it just got worse.

[236] I think we edited it down to 15 minutes, but it was 25 minutes long of us laughing.

[237] Oh, my God.

[238] Yes, and because the topic is something so sad.

[239] Without that being the topic, it doesn't go on that long, but it's just you're basically at a funeral.

[240] Like, you guys got the giggles at a funeral.

[241] It's the Mary Tyler Moore episode.

[242] It's the Chuck of the Clown episode, which is my high school yearbook quote, by the way, which was a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.

[243] The idea was everyone from the office at Mary Tyler, went to the Chuckles the clown.

[244] It's his famous local clown.

[245] He got stomped by an elephant at a parade because he was dressed like a peanut.

[246] They're trying not to laugh at all these details during the funeral.

[247] And they're like, and then somebody gets up and they're crying.

[248] They go, I'll never forget what Chuckles used to say.

[249] A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your path.

[250] And then they all just lose it.

[251] And it's like the funniest episode.

[252] But I always remember that as a kid.

[253] I was like, oh, yeah, Mariton Moore.

[254] Well, hold on, hold on.

[255] I want to give you some credit that you probably have not been arrogant enough to take for yourself.

[256] So when you had Cooper do the guitar solo on your show, do you remember this?

[257] You had like an air guitar thing.

[258] Yeah.

[259] Like he really channeled something, right?

[260] Oh, interesting.

[261] You see where I'm going with this?

[262] I gave him the inspo to do Star is born.

[263] I think he was dipping his toe in the water of can I pull off a rock star?

[264] And so this thing starts as like a ha -ha bit air guitar.

[265] That's embarrassing for all humans except for him.

[266] Yeah, he's Bradley.

[267] Cooper.

[268] Him doing anything is the coolest.

[269] Yeah, so he's just out there fucking ro -mo -won.

[270] And then girls are going crazy.

[271] And I honestly think that could have pushed him towards ultimately doing when a star is born.

[272] I didn't make it through the end credits, but I'm sure you were thanked.

[273] Thanks for the inspiration, Jimmy.

[274] Or J. F .F. even.

[275] To my two top dogs, elephant man and Jay Fallon.

[276] Call him a top dog.

[277] I mean, and then I would say stuff to try to like steer the conversation and go, well, his name is John Merrick, had a T. Oh, it wasn't actually even his name.

[278] they renamed her?

[279] They were, yeah, they changed his name and had no control.

[280] I go, and dude, we just lost, completely fell on the ground.

[281] It was like old school Johnny Carson, like Dom Deloese types of bits where, like, cartoon tears were coming out sideways.

[282] Yes.

[283] Flying out of my, and I was like, if someone came over and had put a whipped cream pie in my face, it would have been like straight out of the 70s.

[284] It was so much fun.

[285] That was insane.

[286] It's rare that you like pass all the different markers.

[287] It's like, you're laughing, huh?

[288] Now you're smacking things, right?

[289] Did you ever see four rooms?

[290] that movie.

[291] Tarantino directed a room, Robert Rodriguez.

[292] Yes.

[293] And there was one called Misbehaving where these little kids are left in a hotel room and they find a dead person with a syringe in their arm under the bed and they're combing each other's hair really violently.

[294] Anyways, I was laughing so hard at that that I had done what you did.

[295] I was slapping my knees and I was screaming.

[296] And then I just stood up as high as I could in the movie theater and I was just going, like standing.

[297] And I thought, where do we go after standing up on my tippy toes?

[298] You die.

[299] There's so many times in my life where you're I think I've died laughing because it's so funny.

[300] That was one of the moments.

[301] The other was I saw American movie.

[302] Remember that movie that was like a reality about two guys making a horror film?

[303] Oh, no. It's my favorite movie of all time.

[304] Mark Bortchard.

[305] Dude, when he's slamming the dentist under the kitchen sink, he's banging a dude's head who's not an actor.

[306] He's a dentist.

[307] And he's trying to help out his horror movie.

[308] He's smashing his head into this board that is not breakaway.

[309] No. Over and over, and he keeps doing the scene.

[310] And he's screaming, his acting.

[311] He's going like, you said of him.

[312] You just shot of him!

[313] And he's banging the guy's head.

[314] Well, if you remember, he had scored, quote, scored the back of it.

[315] You know, like, normally in a movie, there'd be a breakaway door.

[316] And so when you revealed the scoring, it was like someone just took like a sharp pan and just scratched.

[317] Yeah, they scratched the backside with a nail clipper.

[318] That was them scoring the woods that it would break in pieces.

[319] And do you remember the punchline of that is, he's beside himself, that thing didn't break?

[320] And he's like, fuck.

[321] And he starts punching it.

[322] And his knuckles are bleeding.

[323] And he goes, fuck, that thing is like.

[324] Everything's so earnest.

[325] Can I tell you my favorite moment of that is he's at the funeral home, one of his many jobs that he has.

[326] He's in the cemetery and he's putting flags up for some holiday.

[327] And he goes, yeah, I just had kind of a profound life moment.

[328] I went into the bathroom to clean out the stall.

[329] And instead of shitting in the toilet, someone had shat on the toilet.

[330] They shat on the walls.

[331] They shat.

[332] And I thought to myself, dude, I'm 36 years old.

[333] I'm about to clean up someone else's shat.

[334] My favorite one was, He went to his buddy, who I just got, he couldn't be more lovable.

[335] Mike, he goes, what do you smile at?

[336] Mike?

[337] Looks like you won the lottery or something.

[338] And then they cut to a confession.

[339] He's like, I just wanted to scratch off.

[340] I didn't want to tell Mark because he didn't want the money for me. So he actually did win the lottery.

[341] Oh, my God.

[342] The line Kristen and I always do is he calls his buddy for some help.

[343] And he's like, you think you come over?

[344] Okay.

[345] Do you know where I live?

[346] Okay.

[347] You want the address?

[348] Do you have a pen?

[349] Can you get a pen?

[350] Can you get a pen?

[351] The guy said, no. By the way, can we just say your wife is one of the most talented, most unbelievable people in the world, and she is crushed on my show, and I always heard that she was a great guest, and I was like, oh, great, we met on S &L days.

[352] She was on Broadway.

[353] She comes on my show.

[354] I was like, wow, she's just one of the most talented people I've ever seen, and she's nice to everybody, and she sent a video to my daughters just to say happy birthday because they're big fans of Frozen.

[355] And please get the word back because I'm a big fan.

[356] I call her the Julia Louis Drivus of her Jen.

[357] She can do like absolutely every fucking thing.

[358] It's pretty wild.

[359] It's singing like it's not even funny.

[360] She's a mimic like crazy like you.

[361] She can mimic anybody.

[362] It's kind of awesome.

[363] The fact that you notice Monica has three different laughs is exactly what Kristen would have noticed.

[364] Like you probably have some auditory specificity that's unique to you.

[365] Like you pick up all these little details and what is for the most of us just kind of a bland cacophony of sound.

[366] You are really good at impressions.

[367] Thank you.

[368] But I guess what I was saying is even just being an improviser, being in comedy, a lot of people think hang around comedians is like the funniest thing because everyone's a comedian, but it's really like a lot of analyzing before it gets funny.

[369] What is this fish tank?

[370] Let me break it down all the parts and how many fish are in the fish tank.

[371] Hopefully three.

[372] The comedy's always in rule three.

[373] So you're always constantly analyzing and think of what the next sentence is going to be.

[374] And it's flashing in your brain when we don't even think about it.

[375] why or where yours comes from?

[376] I don't know.

[377] I mean, I've tried to think about it.

[378] I mean, my grandparents are very funny.

[379] My parents are funny.

[380] We always had a funny household, but I think I just was born loving comedy.

[381] And now I have two daughters.

[382] You have two girls as well, right?

[383] Not only that, they're born in 2013 and 14.

[384] Now it's getting weird.

[385] Now this is like mirror image.

[386] Did anyone ever tell you have a Bradley Cooper quality too?

[387] Actually, yeah.

[388] He does a little bit, right?

[389] Yeah.

[390] I think he does.

[391] Sadly, that hasn't been said to me. I feel like we could be in the same family.

[392] The three of you could be brothers.

[393] Fuck.

[394] I'd feel so proud walking into a restaurant if you two were my brothers.

[395] I feel like an 80s sitcom.

[396] But I want to walk in first, though.

[397] I don't want Bradley Cooper walk in.

[398] They go, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me see his brother.

[399] And then I walk in and I was like, oh, boy, here we go.

[400] Yeah, he's got to go last for sure.

[401] Here's what we'll do.

[402] When we're in the parking lot, you and I will go like, what do you think they want cute or tall first?

[403] This was going to be another one.

[404] of the similarities I think we share, which is like, you and I are graded very kindly on a curve.

[405] Like, for a comedian, you're a goddamn smoke show.

[406] There's no question about it.

[407] For a comedian.

[408] For a comedian.

[409] Yeah.

[410] No. No, he's so cute anyways.

[411] But for a comedian, it's impossible.

[412] And then I will give myself the same thing.

[413] Like, for a comedian, I'm virtually Sylvester Stallone.

[414] You are.

[415] You're jacked.

[416] I'm tall.

[417] You really are.

[418] How tall are you, by the way?

[419] six -two.

[420] You are six -two.

[421] Yeah, I'll look Will Ferrell right in the eyes.

[422] I'll stare him right in the eyes if you asked me to.

[423] God, is Will 6 -2?

[424] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[425] Maybe even a hint taller.

[426] Will Ferrell is one of the best guests we've had on the show.

[427] He's unbelievable.

[428] What Will does is, I'm not even kidding.

[429] He says yes to a bit before we even send him the bit.

[430] I go, you should read it first, Will, because it might not be funny and I'm fine with you passing.

[431] I don't want to force him, I want to do anything.

[432] He's like, Will's in.

[433] He loves it.

[434] I go, I have him dressed his little Debbie.

[435] You go, all right, well, he'll figure it out.

[436] And I go, all right, man. And then he comes out, dress his little Debbie.

[437] And I go, so, Will, why are you dressed his little Debbie?

[438] He's like, well, you know, you got to pay the bills.

[439] But your career is going so well.

[440] He's like, I know, look, he has a baked potato and aluminum foil.

[441] Then he has a little Debbie snacks cake.

[442] And he goes, all right, close your eyes.

[443] And just by holding it, see if you can guess which one's a baked potato and which one's a little Debbie snack cake.

[444] Okay, let's now brought back into your first hosting.

[445] So what I like about that is that was my first time ever on a late -night talk show.

[446] That was your first time ever hosting one.

[447] So I feel like that's kind of like a very special thing that we were both sharing something terrifying and fun.

[448] So your first letterman was me hosting Letterman's show.

[449] Your first time ever hosting something, right?

[450] I never hosted anything, yeah.

[451] That was my absolute first time.

[452] I was so nervous.

[453] Okay, now I'm going to pick up the pace because we had so much fun and got derailed, but I'm going to throw them out there for you.

[454] You're three months older than me. Our children were born in the same time.

[455] We both were at the groundlings.

[456] If you hosted for the first time, I was a guest for the first time.

[457] Then we both did a slew of movies.

[458] And that didn't pan out for us so well.

[459] Yeah, mine didn't work out.

[460] I guess what I'm getting to is this long, long trajectory.

[461] To me, figuring out that just me being me was going to be the thing that was most successful, as implausible as that was to me, because I was, like, thinking of what everyone I idolized had done.

[462] And now my greatest success in yours seems to be landing with just, I don't know what I am.

[463] I'm a guy who loves going to a party and chatting with everyone and fucking goofing all.

[464] And being you, you being you, turned out to be the thing all along.

[465] And you go, wait, wow, that is so interesting.

[466] Yeah, but that is the truth.

[467] I didn't have a plan.

[468] I thought Sarat Live.

[469] I go, oh, my gosh, what's next?

[470] I remember leaving Sarat Live.

[471] And at the time, Conan signed some contract that said that he would take over the Tonight Show in six years.

[472] I might be wrong about this, but I think I'm correct.

[473] And it was just the oddest thing.

[474] I don't know why six years.

[475] But I was leaving SNL.

[476] And Lauren's like, so what's the plan?

[477] What are you going to do?

[478] And I go, I don't know.

[479] I guess, movies.

[480] In my head, I'm like, are Bill Murray, John Belushi, Eddie Murphy, that's what they do.

[481] When you leave Sarah Live, you become a big movie star.

[482] Well, who were you?

[483] Can I ask?

[484] Balushi was always my favorite.

[485] Okay.

[486] Like, as far as energy -wise, and he could sing, and he'll just do anything for the laugh.

[487] And that's kind of what I do.

[488] Obviously, not saying I'm John Belushi, but at the time, I thought, that's the career I wanted to go with.

[489] Movies didn't pan out, like we said.

[490] Yeah.

[491] Six years passed, and Lauren calls me, and he goes, do you remember I offered you to that thing?

[492] Six years ago, I go, yeah, Conan, the talk, he goes, yeah, would you want to do it?

[493] And I go, yeah, I go, but I'm married now.

[494] So I got to ask my wife.

[495] Yeah.

[496] So I'm in L .A. and I asked Nancy, she's like, are you kidding me?

[497] You have to do this.

[498] She's like, there's three people.

[499] It's you and who, Conan and Dave Letterman?

[500] Even if you're terrible, what a great list to be on.

[501] Oh, God, yeah.

[502] So I go, all right.

[503] So then I said yes to Lauren and then NBC was like, oh, we're not sure if we want Jimmy Fallon.

[504] Wait, I just saw Cooper for the first time.

[505] I told you.

[506] I just saw it.

[507] We are brothers.

[508] man okay sorry i interrupted you but i saw it and it was thrilling i can get compared to bradley cooper i mean i'm taking this might be the best day of my lifetime and i'm getting genuine last for monica these are authentic now i've hyped it up too much you have a great laugh that i can't do two of your laughs that's one of them which is kind of breathy and a exhaustion but there exhaustion well you're like you're leaning backwards on the chair laughing so hard do you have arms in your it's very sturdy yeah yeah because that's why it keeps you in there that's right fall out if you had no arms.

[509] And then that's the second laugh.

[510] I'm so self -conscious.

[511] That's the second one.

[512] It's audible.

[513] So you can hear it.

[514] And then there's a laugh almost like Ernie from Sessner's Street that goes Oh, wow.

[515] That sounds so like dastardly.

[516] Yo, it is like, that might be your fake laugh if you do that.

[517] All right.

[518] Let's see when it comes up.

[519] You are one step away from being the dude in Police Academy.

[520] We love growing up.

[521] Steve Gutenberg?

[522] No, well, no, no, no, no, the man who made all the noises that, as a kid, I love Michael Winsla, boom.

[523] I mean, when I just say, you go, I was like, I bet he could do like a weed whipper.

[524] Don't we, all right, it's a statue.

[525] Okay, it's a Star Spangled Banner.

[526] Very good.

[527] Okay.

[528] You better not open with it.

[529] Close with Star Spangled Bann.

[530] Here is Jimmy Hendrix, I know, but don't open one.

[531] Close with the Jimmy Hendricks.

[532] Open with a door creaking.

[533] You know, open with the smaller stuff.

[534] Yeah, you've got to be able to top yourself.

[535] Who's next?

[536] Sinatra?

[537] Here's Sinatra opening a guitar case.

[538] Okay, what he's referencing, Monica, is there is this incredible, what would you call?

[539] Vocal comedian.

[540] He could make any noise in the world.

[541] He's a genius.

[542] Yeah, like he'd be in the car, driving in the back seat, and he'd go, it sounds like a flat tire.

[543] The person's like, oh, damn, I must have driven over a nail.

[544] That was like the gag in the movie.

[545] He's unbelievable.

[546] Then he could do a boom -bye.

[547] talks about going like, and then put guitars over his drumbeat.

[548] It would be like there's four people doing it at once.

[549] He was brilliant.

[550] He came on our show once.

[551] We had him on.

[552] Oh, really?

[553] He played with the roots.

[554] He played electric guitar because he can play like a fuzzy electronic, like, I can't do it clearly, but that's why we had him on.

[555] That's why he's so special.

[556] Exactly.

[557] Michael Winslow.

[558] So he was just saying in his comedy routine, he would not recommend that the guy starts being a better.

[559] Yeah, then you're going to close with the door crees.

[560] No, all right, I'm going to let myself out.

[561] Now, that would suck.

[562] That's the classic magic bit, which I love.

[563] I do love magicians, but my favorite bit ever, and a lot of magicians do it.

[564] They're probably hacky.

[565] I don't know, but who cares?

[566] I think it's great.

[567] I saw one guy and he had like a three -piece, like, a jazz band, and he was like, do this trick.

[568] He's like, guess a card, pick a card, and then he's like, b -doom -boom -dun -blum -with -bun -bun -b, and then he's like, okay, is your card the ace of spades?

[569] And the guy in the audience goes, actually, no, it's not.

[570] okay, I'm sorry.

[571] Well, as the seven spades.

[572] He goes, no. Sorry.

[573] He goes, all right.

[574] And I swear he did this.

[575] He goes, okay, he's like, well, anyways, my name is, I'm going to make up the name.

[576] Ron Gentry, and magic is hard, but, you know, practice at home.

[577] And thank you very much.

[578] And he leaves the stage and you go, oh, my gosh.

[579] And then the band's playing.

[580] And then he runs back on stage.

[581] He goes, stop the music.

[582] Stop the music.

[583] He goes, where's that guy?

[584] He goes, three of hearts.

[585] He goes, that's it.

[586] He goes, yeah.

[587] And the band's playing.

[588] He guesses the number at the end.

[589] And it's the greatest bit.

[590] It's part of his act that you want him to think he's a loser.

[591] And then he comes back and saves a day.

[592] Well, what he's done is he's giving himself two strikes.

[593] And the bases are loaded.

[594] Yeah.

[595] And then he comes out.

[596] He connects with that third.

[597] He does the Hendricks.

[598] Hits him with the Hendricks.

[599] He knows how to close.

[600] And he's like, yeah.

[601] Oh, my God.

[602] And he's like, magic is hard.

[603] Try it at home practice.

[604] I'm like, magic is hard.

[605] This is awful practice.

[606] And he's talking about himself.

[607] You go, this is terrible.

[608] I like the assumption, too, everyone's there to learn.

[609] Like, you know, like there's students.

[610] Okay, so look, as you see, it's really hard.

[611] That's why we'd practice.

[612] It was a fantastic bit, and it was just, I love that.

[613] Speaking of Hendricks, there was a guy called the two -fisted art attack, and I saw him at Woodstock, not the one with the fires and the toxic masculinity.

[614] It was just disaster.

[615] But it was at the Woodstock 92, and he comes out, he's like, hey, man, I'm going to paint for you with my hands.

[616] Jimmy Hendricks.

[617] And he goes, let's go, and you hear like, and he's like throwing the paint on this canvas and he's eating the paint and it's in his beard.

[618] The pain looks nothing like Jimmy Hendon.

[619] He just go, let's get him off the stage and just honestly ask him some questions.

[620] Maybe he's overheated.

[621] Who knows what's happening?

[622] He goes, stop the music.

[623] Sometimes you need to look at things from a different angle.

[624] And he turns the painting upside down and it's Jimmy.

[625] Now the guy's crowd surfing Everyone's like, what's real, what's fake?

[626] Who knows?

[627] It was awesome.

[628] It's a good bit.

[629] The comedians who enjoy that 12 minutes of them hating you before they flip it, I think I'm most impressed by them.

[630] It's an art to it, yeah?

[631] It really is.

[632] It hurts me when just even one reference doesn't really land.

[633] I mean, what's great about having Questlove and having Higgins there is because if it joke bombs, they're laughing louder than the audience.

[634] Yes.

[635] Because they like to watch me squirm and they're like, wow, that one tanked.

[636] And so then it kind of makes me laugh that they laughed, you know, so that it makes me feel better.

[637] I never was in the SNL writing room, but certainly at the groundlings, we'd put up all of our sketches that had been written all week long on a Wednesday night.

[638] You'd see 35 sketches.

[639] And 15 of them are horrendous.

[640] Nothing is funner than those.

[641] Because once someone acknowledges that this thing's shit in the bad, the amount of joy that everyone's experiencing is you want those stinkers in there.

[642] Yeah.

[643] Luckily, I have more than enough.

[644] Right.

[645] I give you a couple examples from tonight.

[646] night show.

[647] But yeah, the thing that's great about the tonight show, even though you didn't even ask me, Jimmy, what's great about the tonight show?

[648] What if I had to ask?

[649] Because implicit in that is like that, I don't know if there is something.

[650] That's the implicit.

[651] Compared to Saturday Live where if you do Saturday Live, you do a sketch that bombs, you have a week to be depressed that you're sketched bomb.

[652] On the Tonight Show, if you do a joke that bombs, you have another show tomorrow.

[653] So you got to get over it, buddy.

[654] There's no time to wallow.

[655] No, no, no. You have to make people laugh like in the next commercial break you got to be over it how quickly did you pick up that rhythm when you first started were you like hammering yourself on friday about a monday monologue completely oh my gosh wait how long have you been hosting now between the late show and now this 13 years okay i'm going to take a wild stab in the dark that around 2014 you stopped caring wait about life or no about the joke on monday because i did gain a few pounds 2014 you did Are you referring to?

[656] No, no, no. I think you've always been very svel.

[657] Once I had kids, every time I hated myself, I'd go, but I'm still these little girls' dad.

[658] That's pretty great.

[659] I just eat pizza.

[660] Okay, good.

[661] Like 90 % of my body's dough.

[662] If you press my tummy, I giggle like the Pillsbury Doe Boy.

[663] Oh, my God.

[664] I can't wait to try that in person.

[665] But do you think having kids at all for you, like kind of right -sized how important show business was to you?

[666] I think definitely priorities change when you have things you have to take care of.

[667] A dog is one thing, but a kid is like, oh my gosh, this is like, you got to be responsible for this.

[668] So I think you kind of grow up that way.

[669] I can be more articulate.

[670] I think I only had as my identity.

[671] I'm funny.

[672] And then when I wasn't funny, I was like, oh, Jesus Christ, who am I if I'm not funny?

[673] But then I got these other two great identity cornerstones, which are my two kids.

[674] So it's kind of like, oh, shit, I don't have the comedy thing today, but I still have two thirds of my identity.

[675] I'm still holding, yeah, two great cards in my hands.

[676] Yeah.

[677] All right.

[678] We didn't connect on that but that's okay that's right we connected other things okay so although we're the same age do we grow up together yes i went my trevor and peterbrook oh my god trevor petersburg you were my best friend i know my god we should say that thing all the time yeah one two three four five six seven eight go raw dogs raw dogs yeah they changed her name that's right to the raw dogs that's right that was you oh my god you were youngest in your class and i was old the in my class.

[679] We're the same age, but you have a September birthday.

[680] Like, you graduated at 17, yeah?

[681] Yeah.

[682] And I graduated at 23.

[683] Wait, what?

[684] I'll tease you with it.

[685] I'm like, yeah, I'm not good at that, but that's way up.

[686] That's right.

[687] So you were 18?

[688] Yeah, I was 18.

[689] I was driving in 11th grade.

[690] Yeah, I couldn't drive.

[691] I was kind of bigger than everyone.

[692] Like, I don't know if you ever read that Gladwell book where they break down, like, how many players in the NHL are born between January and March?

[693] You know, I know.

[694] I think it's first chapter of that Gladwell book.

[695] Oh, right, right, right.

[696] I'm going to say, yes, I read the whole book.

[697] Yeah.

[698] It was great, especially that chapter.

[699] That little dynamic can kind of shift everything.

[700] Everything, right?

[701] He compares it to a hockey team, I think.

[702] Yes, it's the farm leagues up in Canada.

[703] So he's like, hey, you're a senior, you're an eighth grader.

[704] But, you know, this eighth grader is 17 years old, while the other eighth grader, the Jimmy Fallon, is only 16.

[705] So the older, one, even though he's still in eighth grade gets special treatment and gets sent to the all -star camps.

[706] And all of a set, they're like, oh, he's a brilliant.

[707] He's a prodigy when it's like, not necessarily.

[708] He might be a prodigy, but he's also a year older than the other kids.

[709] Even younger, it's more impactful.

[710] So they start those hockey leagues at like six years old.

[711] So if you were born in January versus December in the six -year -old league, you're 20 % older than the kid.

[712] It's not just a year.

[713] It's like a fifth.

[714] That's significant.

[715] So then you get funneled in the better team.

[716] Do you remember how long high school was?

[717] Oh, God.

[718] It's only four years.

[719] Well, for Dax, it was eight years, obviously.

[720] Yeah, for me, it was eight.

[721] But it feels like forever.

[722] And now, when we've been through this pandemic, I go, I can't believe it's gone.

[723] It's two and a half years already, or three years.

[724] Almost I've gone by.

[725] I agree.

[726] It's terrifying.

[727] That's its own topic, which is like, how do you slow that now?

[728] And I'm obsessed with that.

[729] Are you?

[730] Yeah, I remember doing all this stuff.

[731] And I remember everything that went down during the pandemic.

[732] The show ended.

[733] I went home.

[734] I talked to my wife.

[735] She's like, what's the plan?

[736] I go, there's no plan.

[737] I mean, I think I'm just off for a couple weeks.

[738] She goes, what are you talking about?

[739] You go get your phone, get a tripod, and you put a show on.

[740] This is what people need you.

[741] Your wife sounds great.

[742] I lucked out.

[743] She's Drew's best friend, right?

[744] When Drew was here.

[745] Oh, yeah.

[746] She was going on and on about this very organized, productive.

[747] You got a photo of her?

[748] I got a bunch of photos.

[749] Oh, my God.

[750] Wow, she's a fucking bombs show.

[751] She's beautiful, yeah.

[752] My Lord.

[753] Thank you, bud.

[754] No, I looked down.

[755] I can't hang this thing up.

[756] Just throw it up.

[757] Throw it against the wall.

[758] Maybe it'll stick.

[759] I'll put it in the Rodney Award.

[760] I'll get to those later.

[761] You've got to see my floor.

[762] It's just riddled with it.

[763] It's like going to Caratops' playroom, you know?

[764] It's like, nothing but gags.

[765] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[766] We've all been there.

[767] Turning to the Internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pain.

[768] debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[769] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[770] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[771] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[772] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[773] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[774] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[775] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[776] What's up, guys?

[777] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good, and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[778] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[779] And I don't mean just friends.

[780] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[781] The list goes on.

[782] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[783] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[784] Here's a question.

[785] So how was drinking for you?

[786] For me, I just grew up drinking.

[787] You know, it was just part of my family.

[788] Everyone drank.

[789] Let me back up.

[790] Do you know I'm an alcoholic?

[791] Yes, I know that.

[792] Very openly.

[793] You're sober, though.

[794] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[795] Yeah, I'm sober.

[796] So I'm fascinated with everybody else's drinking naturally because I wish I could live in that sweet spot.

[797] I couldn't.

[798] When I know other dudes are doing it, I'm kind of impressed.

[799] I'm drawn to it and then I'm curious.

[800] I can handle it all now.

[801] But I mean, back in the SNL days, I would drink to excess and have a crazy night where you're like, what happened?

[802] What was that all about?

[803] And it's not great memories, but you laugh at them.

[804] Yeah, we're getting in bar fights and all this stuff.

[805] We're just morons.

[806] Who would start fights with you?

[807] This feels crazy.

[808] You're so likable.

[809] If you stay somewhere long enough, someone will start something over nothing.

[810] A lot of the times for me, I think it was over jukebox music.

[811] Okay.

[812] That makes sense because you're passionate about that.

[813] I think someone would skip my song or something.

[814] I'd be like, hey, what was that all about?

[815] I was like, well, you're going to do something?

[816] I go, yeah, here we go.

[817] And I fight over the doors.

[818] People were pissed that you always wanted to play this as the end.

[819] 14 minutes longer.

[820] And I already have my jacket on.

[821] You can't leave and make me listen to this song.

[822] You're settling up.

[823] Then I get in a fight.

[824] over it.

[825] It was always just like scrappy things and then we'd kind of just either get thrown out and go to another bar and you know, whatever like that.

[826] The next day, we'd kind of act like nothing happened or like, oh, that was weird or something.

[827] Wait, where are you from?

[828] Brooklyn.

[829] I was born in Brooklyn, New York.

[830] I moved out when I was like one.

[831] So I can't really say I'm from Brooklyn.

[832] I'm from upstate New York, Socrates, New York, which is beautiful little town, kind of like little house in the prairie, just awesome Catholic school, the altar boy, Irish Catholic.

[833] But there were fights and all that stuff growing up.

[834] Was it all boys' school?

[835] No. Coa Catholic school.

[836] And I was really into being an ultra boy.

[837] I was like going to be a priest at one point.

[838] I loved it.

[839] I was like into it.

[840] What aspect did you love?

[841] I love the incense.

[842] I love the smell of incense.

[843] I love the smell of the church.

[844] And I love getting dressed up and the costumes.

[845] I'm trying to remember what they're called, like a Hasick or something.

[846] And I knew all the terms and everything.

[847] I was friends with the nuns and everybody.

[848] I was good at ringing the bells.

[849] I was the best kid.

[850] Great timing.

[851] And then I think I was talking to Bill Maher.

[852] about this.

[853] And he said, dude, that was your first experience on stage.

[854] Oh, for sure.

[855] And I didn't even think about it, but you're up on the altar.

[856] And you're looking down and all these people and your parents are in the pews and they're watching you.

[857] I think that did have a lot to do with me getting on stage and liking that feeling.

[858] Did you also like approval from like older male figures?

[859] That's not loaded.

[860] I'm being sincere.

[861] No, I'm being sincere.

[862] Yeah, I did actually.

[863] I really did.

[864] I was friends with a lot of people, you know, in my school and all that stuff.

[865] But I actually did have a lot of older friends.

[866] I was friends with old men and stuff.

[867] Also, my grandfather used to bring me to the VFW and he'd just go and get a couple of drinks at the bar and I would sit there and I'd play the jukebox and just kind of, I'd have to hang out with either of my sister.

[868] If she came, if she didn't come, I'd hang out with old men.

[869] They would talk about foreign wars.

[870] Sure.

[871] Vets of foreign wars.

[872] That's what they talk about.

[873] Exactly.

[874] And they'd tell me all these war stories and I'd sit there and listen and now it was probably 12 or something.

[875] You said that your parents were pretty protective of you and your sister.

[876] Overprotected.

[877] They didn't let me cross the street.

[878] I'd have to ask their permission.

[879] What do you think drove that kind of fear about you getting hurt?

[880] Was it having been in Brooklyn with a one -year -old?

[881] What was it?

[882] I think the city was pretty rough where they grew up in Brooklyn, and it was tough neighborhoods, and my dad was in gangs and stuff.

[883] And to go from that extreme to beautiful, quiet, upstate New York, where, honestly, quiet scares city people.

[884] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[885] City people need sirens.

[886] They don't want to hear nothing.

[887] That freaks you out.

[888] When it's quiet, it's like, okay, there's a raccoon out there, there's a bear.

[889] My mom would make up all this stuff.

[890] She wouldn't even let me camp in my backyard.

[891] I remember I had a subscription to Boys Life or one of those magazines just because she wouldn't let me join the Boy Scouts or do anything like that.

[892] So I had to use a magazine and live vicariously through other boys and see how to tie knots and do stuff.

[893] And so I remember I got a tent at a garage sale.

[894] I go, I'm going to stay out in the yard.

[895] She was like, all right, you'd be careful, you know, could be animals and stuff.

[896] I go, all right.

[897] And I went and I camped.

[898] And in the middle of the night, she couldn't take it.

[899] She came and woke me up and said, get inside.

[900] I can't take it.

[901] I can't sleep.

[902] I can't sleep.

[903] I think you're going to get attacked by a raccoon or something.

[904] Right.

[905] One of the many raccoon attacks in your county.

[906] That never happened once.

[907] And we'd always lock our car doors.

[908] Like, we would lock everything.

[909] Lock the cars, lock the house.

[910] No one's ever stolen a car from us.

[911] No one never broke into our house.

[912] I don't know what this is basically.

[913] off of just the city life, I guess.

[914] Did you develop kind of a duality?

[915] Because you're a rascal.

[916] Like, you like to have a good time.

[917] I'm sure you like girls.

[918] Did you find that you're keeping part of you secret at all?

[919] Because you're in the church heavily.

[920] Your parents are fearful.

[921] You must have to lie to them so that you can do the things you want to do.

[922] No, I mean, I didn't have to do that.

[923] I think I made a choice around ninth grade to not be a priest.

[924] I didn't date anyone.

[925] I was really kind of an odd kid.

[926] I had maybe two girlfriends in high school, maybe.

[927] Really?

[928] Maybe.

[929] I don't even know if I really actually said girlfriend.

[930] I mean, it was weird.

[931] So then is it weird when you became kind of a pin -upy heartthrob?

[932] Like, you're named most beautiful person.

[933] You're on that list.

[934] Like, was that all abstract to you?

[935] Yeah.

[936] It was all crazy.

[937] And you're like living the dream.

[938] You're actually getting every dose of fame that you could possibly think of.

[939] It's kind of fun.

[940] It's great.

[941] I would fool around with girls.

[942] But college is where I go, okay, you should probably get a girlfriend and just see what that is like.

[943] And so I got like a pretty serious girlfriend in college.

[944] Was it because you were so hyper -focused on what you wanted to do in life, do you think?

[945] Yeah, I mean, I remember, like, the big breakup, I just was like, hey, I got to be selfish, and I can't do this.

[946] I'm really going to go and follow my dream here, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to get on Sarent Live, and I'm going to move to Los Angeles and take classes, and I want to see if I can sign with someone at Brilstein Gray.

[947] I had this weird plan because I read all these Sarent Live books, and I'm like, a lot of these Saren't Live cast members were signed with this management company, Brilstein Gray.

[948] I'm like, if I get signed there, then I can somehow get an audition for a silent live.

[949] And yeah, so I had this whole plan in my head and I had to say like, yeah, I have to be selfish.

[950] I don't have time to think about anyone else.

[951] That's actually kind of admirable instead of trying to juggle two things you knew you were going to fail at.

[952] And then ultimately you would just be unavailable and that person would have to relieve themselves from it eventually.

[953] It worked out.

[954] I mean, for both of us.

[955] I have one last question where we're going to talk about your book.

[956] And that is we've had so many awesome people on here who have gotten the whole thing that they were singularly focused on.

[957] Even like to talk to Mike Sher about getting into Harvard, that was his thing.

[958] Or are these different people who have like gone to Harvard and they got there and they're like, hmm, where's the magic feeling?

[959] And I did it myself too.

[960] It's like I had a whole fantasy about what people recognizing me would feel like, what having money would be like, what having girls out of my league like me be like.

[961] And although all of it was fun, none of it did anything to me internally.

[962] And it kind of fucked me up on some level where I was like, Oh, this was all supposed to, like, satiate my spirit in a way that I was going to know contentment.

[963] Did you have that experience after, like, accomplishing all those things by 23?

[964] No, I think maybe it was after S &O where I go, like, now what do I do?

[965] Because when I was on SNL, I did it to the max.

[966] I did everything I could possibly do.

[967] I go, this is it.

[968] And I'm totally going to remember all of this.

[969] And I'm going to come in.

[970] I'll be the impressions guy.

[971] Then I did update, which I never thought I'd do.

[972] I host weekend update.

[973] Oh, my gosh, that's great.

[974] Then I became the guy who lapsed himself.

[975] And you go, okay.

[976] So you kind of run the gamut.

[977] And I loved every second of it, every party, every sketch, every late night writing, bags under your eyes, things that work, things that bomb.

[978] And it was just so fun.

[979] I just loved it.

[980] And then I think it was after SNO and the movie's not working where it just kind of felt a little lost like, well, now what do I do?

[981] Because that was my dream.

[982] And I did my dream.

[983] Yeah.

[984] And there's a lot of life left ahead of me still.

[985] And there's probably a second where you think in your head, I'd like, they'll probably cancel Siret Live if I leave.

[986] Sure, sure, sure.

[987] They'll realize that I'm the glue and they're going to have to have me back and I'll have to start Siret Live again and keep it going forever.

[988] And it'll be they who embarrass themselves, not you.

[989] Of course, yeah.

[990] And of course, life moves on, new cast members come in.

[991] No one even remembers that you were on the show.

[992] Again, I give it to my wife, who I was dating at the time.

[993] She was like, all right, well, what do you want to do?

[994] You want to do stand up?

[995] I mean, you did stand up.

[996] you can do that.

[997] I go, yeah, I guess she goes, write an album.

[998] If you want to write comedy songs, just write an album and do something fun.

[999] And so I'm like, I don't know who to write with, you know, everyone's still at SNL.

[1000] She's like, get your friend from high school who you always talk to all the time and you write stuff with him.

[1001] Justin Petersburg.

[1002] Exactly.

[1003] Wait, that was you?

[1004] I'm sorry, Trevor.

[1005] Trevor.

[1006] Sorry.

[1007] And so I did that.

[1008] I had my friend.

[1009] I said, hey, would you quit your job and come just write a thing?

[1010] And so he's like, sure.

[1011] So, so actually quit his job and just wrote with me. And we wrote a script that didn't go anywhere, but we sold it called Going Country.

[1012] It's about an emo singer who writes a country jingle, and the country jingle becomes gigantic, and everyone wants that guy to be famous.

[1013] And now the emo guy has to pretend to be a country singer.

[1014] That's an easy transition, I think.

[1015] But we did that.

[1016] We wrote a song called Car Wash for Peace.

[1017] As that was all going, it kind of got me through those six years where then I got the opportunity to do late night, And then he ended up coming over and writing for late night.

[1018] And he's still here writing for the Tonight Show.

[1019] Well, first of all, that's so cool that was the end result of him quitting his job.

[1020] I'm relieved.

[1021] I'm glad he didn't just get you through your six years.

[1022] And then I was like, bye.

[1023] Peace.

[1024] But the lesson in there, I think when this thing's cold, I work at that thing.

[1025] When that thing's cold, I work at this thing.

[1026] Like, you just keep fucking moving like a shark.

[1027] And then you find yourself somewhere that loves your back.

[1028] Yeah.

[1029] Just keep working.

[1030] I do love working.

[1031] I love coming up with ideas, or they're good or funny or stupid or silly.

[1032] I think, thank God for an iPhone or the notes or voice recorders or whatever it is.

[1033] Because I'll wake up in the middle of the night and just hum something so dumb.

[1034] And my wife must be like, he's out of his mind.

[1035] And then next thing you know, it's a sketch on the show.

[1036] And we do it.

[1037] And you go, oh, that's what he was humming the other night.

[1038] I love the feeling of accomplishing that.

[1039] And I feel like the show is kind of perfect for me because I get to talk and have conversations and meet people.

[1040] And I am a fan of pop.

[1041] I love music.

[1042] I love art. I love movies, TV, all that stuff.

[1043] And then I can also do sketches if I want.

[1044] But then if I have a song, I do a song if I feel like it.

[1045] If I want to pretend I'm a game show host, I'll be a fake game show host.

[1046] And it's all the stuff you're like, why not?

[1047] Let's just keep doing it.

[1048] It's like, I don't know what my brain would do if I didn't have the show.

[1049] I'm very, very lucky.

[1050] Well, I think that I would give you the same compliment that I give Will Farrell, which is of all the comedians I've known.

[1051] So few literally do it because they just love.

[1052] playing.

[1053] I see in you, like, this insatiable desire to play at all times, which is so lovely, by the way.

[1054] It's why you're a great performer.

[1055] I can see that you're having fun and it's contagious.

[1056] Like, it's a gift.

[1057] And I'm glad you've always embraced it.

[1058] And by the way, I think it's why, like any comedian that went on to write many children's books that are all successful, you're such a shoe in for that because you're just a fucking fun kid.

[1059] And it makes sense.

[1060] I fell into that because, again, I have these dumb ideas.

[1061] I have an idea for sunglasses.

[1062] When I'm waiting online, I would spin my sunglasses around.

[1063] I go, what if they had like a ball bearing here?

[1064] Ooh.

[1065] And you can get a good whip to them.

[1066] And so I invented a sunglass called Spinneys.

[1067] They sold it Warby Parker.

[1068] They sold out in a week.

[1069] And all the money went to these eye doctors going to kids' schools and giving kids glasses.

[1070] And they made them.

[1071] I will send you guys pairs of Spinneys.

[1072] They were the coolest thing.

[1073] I saved like a box of them here.

[1074] How cool.

[1075] It's a fidget glasses.

[1076] Yes, got a good whip.

[1077] Yeah.

[1078] I just had our first baby, Winnie.

[1079] It was tough because we couldn't have children.

[1080] You know, we're trying everything, and we ended up having her through surrogate, so it was just an awesome thing.

[1081] Kristen stepped in.

[1082] Most people don't know that.

[1083] In addition to her comedic skills and dramatic.

[1084] Oh, she's so, that's why I compliment her early.

[1085] So fertile.

[1086] A lot of people were saying, what's the baby's first words with the mama or dad -dad.

[1087] And so I go, it was mama, But I got to be honest, I was really pushing for her to say, dad -da.

[1088] Every time I would see her, I'd just go, dad -da, dad -da.

[1089] And I would give her a bottle, and I would say, dad -da.

[1090] I don't care if she thought a bottle was dad -da.

[1091] I don't care if she got it wrong for the history books.

[1092] If she says dad -da first, that's a win for me, you know?

[1093] And then later she'll figure out what dad -da really is.

[1094] And so I go, maybe I'll write a kid's book because I'm reading all these books every single night to the babies.

[1095] And if it's called your baby's first word, will be dad -da.

[1096] And the whole book is just basically the word dad -da on every page.

[1097] So it's quack, dad -da, moo, dad -da, you know, bah, dad -da.

[1098] So I did that as a joke, the book took off.

[1099] It became a hit.

[1100] And then even crazier, I was getting videos of kids reading the book back to their parents.

[1101] And, like, it was a lot of kids' first book they've ever read.

[1102] And then kids were laughing, so they're figuring out their sense of humor to the book.

[1103] And I'm like, I didn't plan any of this.

[1104] And it became so rewarding to me. I'm like, yeah, that's what I had planned the whole time to teach kids how to read.

[1105] And I was like, I was just being silly.

[1106] So I just did that.

[1107] And it just turned out to be such a fun experience for me, top to bottom.

[1108] It still is.

[1109] I'll get on my social videos of people going, you did it again, Jimmy, my kids loving Dada.

[1110] And he says quack and he laughs at a duck and all this stuff.

[1111] He go, awesome.

[1112] So I did Dada.

[1113] Then, of course, I had to do Mama because I have two girls.

[1114] and I obviously have a mother.

[1115] And so I wrote Mama, and then I wrote, This is Baby, which is kind of a baby body part book.

[1116] These are your eyes, these are your nose, these are your fingers, these are your toes, you know, rhyming and all that stuff.

[1117] And so I just did that.

[1118] And now the newest one, well, then five more sleeps till Christmas.

[1119] That one was another one I didn't understand if that was going to work or not.

[1120] I just thought that'd be fun because I was walking my daughter home from school once, and she goes, how many more sleeps till we go to Grandma's house?

[1121] I go, how many more sleeps?

[1122] heard that.

[1123] So cute.

[1124] Yeah.

[1125] That should probably be something.

[1126] How many more sleep still Christmas or something?

[1127] So that inspired me. So I stole the idea for my daughter for that one.

[1128] And she gets no residuals.

[1129] Well, she'll get it at some point.

[1130] I'm the one who started Bradley Cooper's career and I'm getting nothing.

[1131] Right.

[1132] He's walking around with all these awards.

[1133] You just did the ultimate Bradley Cooper, which is when you do this, that's straight Cooper.

[1134] I've seen him do that three thousand times.

[1135] You know he does that?

[1136] Explain it.

[1137] It's all your fingertips on either side of your forehead.

[1138] And then you shoot the arm.

[1139] out straight, you spring it.

[1140] Yeah, he would be saying, bro, bro, bro, yes.

[1141] Wow, interesting.

[1142] Holy fuck, you got it.

[1143] This is so interesting.

[1144] It is.

[1145] Now when he comes on, all we're going to talk about is you guys.

[1146] I think the three of us need to announce ourselves is triplets, brothers.

[1147] That's a side project.

[1148] Put it in your voice memos or however you do it.

[1149] I do have a sense that when anyone's with you, you get about seven minutes of dial in it.

[1150] Then you got another idea, and you're like, the phone's out and you're doing this.

[1151] And then you're back, you're back for six and a half minutes.

[1152] And then you're like, oh, straw that explodes.

[1153] you put it in the trash.

[1154] You know what?

[1155] I feel like wasting times.

[1156] Is that ADHD?

[1157] I mean, it seems like you have ADHD.

[1158] Yeah, I didn't get diagnosed with it, but I don't know, I'm not sure if I want to.

[1159] Sometimes I just kind of zone out and go like, hold on one second.

[1160] Then I'm like, all right, what about cranberry sauce slices?

[1161] Pre -wrapped like American cheese, you unwrapped them and you put them on your turkey sandwich, only have them seasonal for Thanksgiving.

[1162] And then, you go, all right, now what were saying again?

[1163] You probably won't admit to this.

[1164] I would because, again, I'm overly out there about this.

[1165] But a psychiatrist could actually diagnose you with ADHD if you can go to sleep on cocaine.

[1166] And I'm just going to judge from your face.

[1167] Dude, that's the only way I can go to sleep.

[1168] Sleep dust.

[1169] Your wife is taking like a Tylenolp .m. And then you fall at your mirror.

[1170] Night nine, sweet dreams.

[1171] Alcohol would be my drug of choice.

[1172] I've never really been a druggie or gotten into drugs.

[1173] Okay.

[1174] But just you personally, you can answer the question in your own head.

[1175] Wow.

[1176] Yeah, I can fall right asleep on cocaine.

[1177] I'm not saying you've ever done it, but I'm just saying after the interview, you could diagnose yourself based on just that.

[1178] I've been asleep for the past five minutes.

[1179] Okay.

[1180] And answered all of your questions, perfectly.

[1181] You channeled it into something productive, so who cares if your ADHD or not?

[1182] Like, ultimately it's served you well.

[1183] Yeah, I mean, I guess I could talk to someone and just see what it is.

[1184] But isn't it so fun for you that, like, you can stand in line and be like, I think it'd be fun to twist these glasses around and then that can happen.

[1185] Like, all of this crazy stuff in your head because who you are and what you've built, you can make happen.

[1186] That's amazing.

[1187] It's wild.

[1188] And it's the most luckiest thing in the world because I had another dumb invention.

[1189] I go, okay, ready?

[1190] And you guys can do this.

[1191] You're at a sporting event, okay?

[1192] You're rooting for your team.

[1193] Your team scores.

[1194] What do you do?

[1195] Freeze!

[1196] What's exposed right now?

[1197] Your armpits.

[1198] That's what I'm saying.

[1199] Prime real estate.

[1200] Why not put logos on the armpits?

[1201] You put, I love New York or I love L .A. That's the only time you.

[1202] And then when your arms are down, you're a normal person.

[1203] Oh, my God.

[1204] You're not rooting for your team.

[1205] Why it's so brilliant is that you're also connecting an emotion to the product.

[1206] So we only see the product when someone's at their happiest.

[1207] Yeah, your arms aren't up when your team's, they're like, yeah, we lost.

[1208] Right.

[1209] Right.

[1210] So the Pavlovian response would be when you see the product you feel triumphant and joyous.

[1211] Thank you.

[1212] Okay.

[1213] We got to talk about Nana loves you more.

[1214] You don't actually have to.

[1215] No, no, I want to.

[1216] I want to.

[1217] But maybe I don't want to now.

[1218] Or then I want to tell you.

[1219] I got to tell you because I read it, obviously.

[1220] You get into this fun game that if you have kids, you have to know this game, which is every night when I say good night to my girls, they say, I love you.

[1221] And I say, you have no idea.

[1222] I love you.

[1223] And then it becomes this fun contest of how much we love each other.

[1224] You're trying to come up with some expansive notion that is bigger than the other persons.

[1225] And that's virtually what this book is, is that Nana loves you more than anything you could ever conceive.

[1226] That's exactly right.

[1227] Yeah.

[1228] My wife's parents, when we say goodbye, then we go, bye, we go, love you.

[1229] And her dad would say, I love you more.

[1230] And I go, that's pretty cool.

[1231] I wish it was my line.

[1232] It's such a good line.

[1233] It was a tribute to him and to them and it's Nana or Noma or Grammy or whatever you call, your grandma.

[1234] Gaga, is that what do you call your grandma?

[1235] Gaga, is that what did you call your grandma?

[1236] Pretty standard.

[1237] Yeah, I was grandma too.

[1238] She was trying to assimilate, though.

[1239] yeah doing my best my copy's autographed by the way oh my what a fucking i know honest to god i'm not just blown smoking your turlet you're so goddamn talented you just do so many things the impressions musically the inventions the fucking book that's the bradley cooper in you that's the brad it's the bc so anyways the books things have been fun i really just wanted to come talk to you and tell you guys you do a great job and especially during the times when people need entertainment and need something to not think about when they watch the news and they're going, the world's falling apart.

[1240] You can watch two smart people just talk and have great smart conversations and funny.

[1241] And you don't know where the time went.

[1242] And you go, oh my gosh, was that already an hour?

[1243] I can't tell you what you've done for so many people.

[1244] It's the best thing.

[1245] I'm so happy you guys are doing this.

[1246] Thank you so much.

[1247] And that was going to be a whole other conversation.

[1248] We don't have time for it.

[1249] But just like you and I are lockstep in that.

[1250] Jeopardy doesn't have to tell you about the Affordable Care Act.

[1251] You can just watch Jeopardy.

[1252] You can have 22 minutes of your life where you watch trivia.

[1253] It doesn't need to seep into every motherfucking thing on the planet.

[1254] Can I have an option?

[1255] Can I have an option where something's just fun?

[1256] Also, so many people do it better than you and I?

[1257] Yeah, I would never do the Daily Show.

[1258] Right.

[1259] It would make no sense to me. I would be awful at it and Trevor Noah is nailing it.

[1260] He's fantastic at it.

[1261] And he can't do Obie's impersonation.

[1262] He can't do it.

[1263] Thank you.

[1264] I'm going to call you OBC from now on original Bradley Cooper.

[1265] So with much love and much admiration.

[1266] OBC, thanks for sitting down with us on what I know is a busy day.

[1267] And everyone should buy Nana loves you more.

[1268] Monica, I heard all different types of laughs.

[1269] Oh, good.

[1270] We got all three?

[1271] You added a couple more in there, which I didn't know now seeing you.

[1272] There's a silent laugh that no one can hear.

[1273] That's actually the most common, I would say.

[1274] Yeah, I would say that too.

[1275] But watching you, you lean to your right side and you almost fell off the chair a couple times.

[1276] And it's so good.

[1277] Like right now you're doing it.

[1278] And it's great.

[1279] You need to invent something for Monica that wherever she goes.

[1280] I've already thought of it.

[1281] Okay, okay, good.

[1282] It's a headset mic, first of all, that goes basically almost in your mouth.

[1283] There's probably some audible breath coming out of you that you're just not by the mic when you're laughing, you're rocking.

[1284] But I want you to invent for her a portable sidearm so that when she goes out like with friends and there's no side thing for her to lean on while she laughs, we don't want her to fall down and crack her head open.

[1285] So it's like she comes out of her purse, it unfolds and then it's just a little support on either side of her.

[1286] Like a high chair.

[1287] Like a muffin top?

[1288] Yes, like a very.

[1289] architecturally designed Muffin Top and when you lean it inflates That's nice We can work on this We can work on the Muffin Top We'll work on inventions next time We'll talk Man this has been fun So good seeing you brother And it's so good to see you too And best to everybody And thank you thank you again All right take care Stay tuned for more Armchair expert If you dare And now my favorite part of the show The Fact Check with my soulmate Monica Padman Jimbo Phelan Yeah I wonder if he ever thought about Going by Jimbo for his stage name I just Well maybe because he loves Chuckles the clown Oh okay that makes sense Chuckles the clown for Mary Tyler Moore That was his That was a funny quote Very I've never really watched The Mary Tyler Moore show Everyone loves it they revere it They do Highly revered I hate to say I feel like a charlatan, I guess, or not a charlatan, I feel unsophisticated.

[1290] A philistine.

[1291] Thank you.

[1292] A philistine.

[1293] Because I would always, when I was at my grandparents' house, they'd have block party summer on Niconite.

[1294] Okay.

[1295] And so each night of the week, there was a marathon.

[1296] So it was like, Monday was I dream a genie Tuesday was bewitched.

[1297] Mary Tyler Moore was in the mix.

[1298] One of the marathons.

[1299] Yes, and I always never cared about that day.

[1300] Oh, a misogynist.

[1301] Yeah, definitely.

[1302] That's Nick at night.

[1303] Nick at night.

[1304] Yeah, Nick at night.

[1305] I love to be witch and I love it, like, Tram Cheney.

[1306] What aspects?

[1307] All of it.

[1308] Well, magic.

[1309] You're not a misogynist because those were also female -driven shows.

[1310] They were.

[1311] They were.

[1312] Good job.

[1313] You know, I watched with my grandma.

[1314] Granny.

[1315] Yeah.

[1316] Oh, grandma.

[1317] Oh, that's a ding -ding -ding, because we talk about what we called our nannas.

[1318] Yeah.

[1319] Oh.

[1320] Oh, my God.

[1321] The allergies.

[1322] Pollin's in the air.

[1323] Wow.

[1324] Tis the season.

[1325] Do you have any reaction to all the pollen that's around right now?

[1326] I feel horrible.

[1327] Okay.

[1328] Okay, great.

[1329] I wake up every morning like, I'm dying.

[1330] Are you taking any Zyrtec?

[1331] No, I forgot to get some at Rite Aid when I was there this week.

[1332] I need to go get some.

[1333] Yeah.

[1334] I don't have any D anymore.

[1335] Oh, Dingles.

[1336] What happened?

[1337] There's so many ding ding dings that just keep popping up.

[1338] Go on and I'll circle back.

[1339] That's it.

[1340] Zertech.

[1341] I don't have any D left.

[1342] I know.

[1343] I'll get us.

[1344] But I'm on normal Zyrtec.

[1345] Because it's in software.

[1346] for me. I don't know if you've looked at my driveway, but this oak tree, which is majestic in all ways.

[1347] It's a fucking thousand feet across.

[1348] The landmark in Los Felas.

[1349] The Los Felas landmark is just pissing pollen.

[1350] It's two inches deep on my driveway.

[1351] There's big, big circles, globs of all of it.

[1352] Oh, my God.

[1353] Yeah, it looks like it snowed outside.

[1354] Sned.

[1355] Skitter came over, and it looked like it fucking sned.

[1356] Skidder was like, did it?

[1357] no and I was like no that's our oak trick wow that was good thank you I looked away from you at all time it was fine so you're able what I just discovered is you're able to look at it just as long as there's no eye contact because my mouth got really gross there as you just saw fine because I got to go like this with my left I do and my tape he's a little ripper I think it is eye contact because what it is is I feel like you need me to be doing something to respond in some way totally good anxious.

[1358] It's that anxiety of unwrapping Christmas presents when everyone's staring at you.

[1359] Just never react big enough for anyone.

[1360] Yeah.

[1361] I think that's where I learned to act.

[1362] Oh, that's where you credit your acting skills.

[1363] Ding, ding, ding, major.

[1364] Zyrtec is the commercial that he was talking about where there's trust falls and people sneezing.

[1365] It's a fact written down here.

[1366] What's the commercial with the sneezing and the, Trust false.

[1367] He said he thought maybe Xantac, but Zyrtec, and it makes sense.

[1368] Well, Zantac is an abdominal.

[1369] It's an indigestion medication.

[1370] I've had to use it a couple of times.

[1371] If I were in the audience, the skeptic that I am, I'd be like, this is orchestrated.

[1372] They planned it.

[1373] Zyrtec is a big, big, whopper of a sponsor.

[1374] I wish.

[1375] Me too.

[1376] But don't you think, like, oh, it was in the episode, now randomly we're talking about it.

[1377] We must get it because of our allergies.

[1378] I mean, this is, I'd be calling bullshit.

[1379] I mean, I'm fine with us pushing Zyrtec so that they become a sponsor.

[1380] I would love free Zirtec D for the rest of my life.

[1381] So I've thought about that, but I've thought, if I'm them, I'm like, well, you already got a ad.

[1382] You know, you want us to pay for it?

[1383] Retroactively get paid for it.

[1384] That's what I would love.

[1385] I think it's on the bill.

[1386] You owe us, all right?

[1387] And I would call it that tone.

[1388] Be Zyrtec.

[1389] Bring, bring.

[1390] Hello, Zirtec here.

[1391] Yes, can I speak to the general manager?

[1392] Yes.

[1393] One second.

[1394] Let me put you on hold.

[1395] Fuck.

[1396] Okay, connecting you to GM Minuture Mouse.

[1397] Oh, hello.

[1398] Hello.

[1399] You fucking owe us.

[1400] Excuse me?

[1401] Who are you?

[1402] This is Dax Shepard.

[1403] Oh, hi.

[1404] I'm a big arm cherry.

[1405] Oh, fuck.

[1406] Well, then you heard.

[1407] It was such a beautiful shout out.

[1408] Thank you so much.

[1409] Yeah, that's worth like a million dollars.

[1410] You owe us a million dollars.

[1411] Okay.

[1412] Okay, bye.

[1413] Oh, my God.

[1414] I couldn't go through with it if I knew they were in armchair.

[1415] All right, this is exactly how it goes.

[1416] So let's just back up.

[1417] So you're Maximus.

[1418] Hey, you owe us some money.

[1419] Excuse me?

[1420] Who's this?

[1421] Who is this?

[1422] This is Dax Shepherd.

[1423] Okay, I thought I recognized the voice.

[1424] I'm a big fan.

[1425] You got to do the whole thing.

[1426] You got to do your part again.

[1427] I'm sorry.

[1428] No, you got to set me up.

[1429] Okay, okay.

[1430] I just don't know what you're trying to do.

[1431] So, okay.

[1432] Right.

[1433] Okay, this is, Dak Shepard, hello, I'm a big fan.

[1434] I'm a huge arm cherry.

[1435] Love the podcast.

[1436] Oh, my God.

[1437] You are?

[1438] Yes, I love the Roy Choi episode.

[1439] Oh, thank you.

[1440] I'm just calling because we wanted to send you a present.

[1441] Oh, my God.

[1442] That's so kind.

[1443] Do you want a hundred dollars?

[1444] I'll have my assistant give you my info.

[1445] Yeah, I just wanted to get to.

[1446] If I found out their armchair, I'd start offering them money.

[1447] Sure.

[1448] Yeah, I would flip.

[1449] Remember, when I feel.

[1450] like we talked about this how whenever it's a good hack for you whenever you're feeling angry yeah big time to think perhaps this is a person who enjoys my show and you know what i just want to be clear about that it's not they enjoy my show like it's an ego thing it's that i know they're sweethears are sweethears that's right so if i see someone in traffic lollygagging at first i just think like oh this fucker doesn't want to go to where they're going yeah and now they're going me not get to get, you know, I run the whole thing, attributionary.

[1451] Of course.

[1452] But if I go, armchairing in there, they're just bobbing through their day, trying to leave the world better than they found it.

[1453] Yeah.

[1454] And they're doing the right thing, and I'm doing the wrong thing.

[1455] I should have left earlier.

[1456] Well, I think it's lovely that you think of all armchairs of sweethearts, but also don't you feel like you want them to see your best self?

[1457] Like, you want to be the best for them.

[1458] There's some accountability.

[1459] There's that.

[1460] Yeah, like, right.

[1461] So it works in two different ways.

[1462] One is when I'm interacting with people.

[1463] Yes.

[1464] And that is probably ego or vanity or something where I think, oh, my God, they like this person.

[1465] And now they're seeing this shitty person.

[1466] Yeah.

[1467] And I don't want to be.

[1468] But you're both.

[1469] So I want to be the best version of myself.

[1470] And then there's another time where it's just I'm getting annoyed with somebody.

[1471] I'm not going to interact with them.

[1472] Oh, I see.

[1473] And I just imagine they're an arm cherry.

[1474] Yeah.

[1475] Give them some grace.

[1476] And I imagine what they're doing is the proper thing to do.

[1477] And maybe they're struggling.

[1478] Yeah, they're probably going through some stuff.

[1479] That's why they like to show.

[1480] Yeah, exactly.

[1481] Well, I've got a really dangerous question to ask you.

[1482] Okay, go.

[1483] Okay, so there's a guy driving erratically, okay, and you're getting a mad.

[1484] Okay, and then as you're pulling up next to the car, you're passing slowly, though.

[1485] This takes a minute.

[1486] Your window's down, his windows down, and you hear that he's listening to armchair expert.

[1487] Oh, yeah.

[1488] Okay.

[1489] And then as you get next to him, at the light, you see he's masturbating to it.

[1490] Okay.

[1491] Oh, my God.

[1492] Where does it go?

[1493] What's your conclusion after that?

[1494] Arm cherries are purves.

[1495] Okay, here's the thing.

[1496] I'm not going to generalize all arm cherries based on that one guy.

[1497] Right.

[1498] Okay.

[1499] But I'm just at your emotions.

[1500] Like, first it was like agitated, then, oh, he's listening to the show, probably endearment.

[1501] Yeah.

[1502] Then he's masturbating.

[1503] Then, like, oh.

[1504] Yeah.

[1505] The whole gamut then.

[1506] Yeah.

[1507] Yeah, a real ride.

[1508] And it's specifically to your voice.

[1509] So it's like he keeps hitting 15 seconds back as well.

[1510] So you know, not only is he doing this.

[1511] Is the guy Brad Pitt?

[1512] Yeah, it's Brad Pitt.

[1513] Then I'm excited.

[1514] Okay.

[1515] Then you take your shirt up.

[1516] The real thing's over here.

[1517] Then there'd be zero questions left about the simulation.

[1518] If you pulled up at a light and Brad Pitt was choking his chicken, this means to you talk about your mouse.

[1519] But then again, we wouldn't know if he's horny for mice.

[1520] Yeah.

[1521] But then it still still works.

[1522] Still works.

[1523] Okay.

[1524] So this was a fun revelation.

[1525] We were discussing him, gas hosting.

[1526] You were on the show.

[1527] Yeah, yeah.

[1528] And he said, you know, heart attack or shingles.

[1529] I thought he was joking.

[1530] Oh, okay.

[1531] I mean, I thought he was just joking like it was maybe shingles.

[1532] Now I knew about all the heart stuff.

[1533] I didn't know about the shingles.

[1534] Well, yeah.

[1535] He said, like, I had to get.

[1536] I guess so I don't remember why I think it was because he had a heart attack or maybe it was shingles so I laughed because I was like oh he's I was obviously the heart thing he's just adding in this funny right as a throw away yeah yeah um not so funny and it was shingles and it was shingles oh my god he did have a heart attack but you know I live in great fear of shingles you do do you know that it's a it's supposed to be so painful sometimes you see my post on instagram but I had one where it's just a direct to camera I'd seen like my 25th commercial for shingles in a row and I had to take to the internet to just say I'm so grateful I don't have shingles and I'm so afraid of them.

[1537] Yeah.

[1538] I understand.

[1539] I have a friend that got it and it was bad.

[1540] It's brutal, right?

[1541] Yeah, I do too.

[1542] She couldn't wear like a shirt for weeks.

[1543] Oh, yeah.

[1544] David Letterman, this is in 2003.

[1545] This is when you were on the show.

[1546] This actually, this took me a while.

[1547] I bet.

[1548] Because I kept looking up heart attack.

[1549] Oh.

[1550] And he had one.

[1551] So then I was like finding out that.

[1552] He had like quadruple bypass maybe.

[1553] He did in 2000.

[1554] So I was like, okay, now I need to look and see when Dax was on to see if it was in 2000.

[1555] There's a proper investigation.

[1556] It was.

[1557] So I found out first that you were on in 2003.

[1558] Then I was like, this doesn't add up with the heart attack.

[1559] So then I was like, I guess I'll look up shingles.

[1560] Sure.

[1561] Turns out.

[1562] David Letterman will continue.

[1563] Process of elimination.

[1564] He'll continue his recuperation from an eye infection caused by shingles.

[1565] Ooh, an eye infection.

[1566] Jesus.

[1567] With guest host scheduled to appear on the late show this week.

[1568] That was in March 2003.

[1569] Shingles sounds like an STD.

[1570] I think that's why it's.

[1571] It sounds gross.

[1572] For me, what it does is like there's a visual to it, so shingles from a house.

[1573] So I think your skin is like chingley though.

[1574] I think it is.

[1575] I'm so sorry for anyone who's battled shingles.

[1576] It's supposed to be so painful.

[1577] It's like nerve.

[1578] Yeah, the condition is a viral infection of the nerve roots that typically results in pain and rash.

[1579] Caused by the same virus that causes chicken pox.

[1580] Oh, my pox.

[1581] Holy pox.

[1582] Sheesh.

[1583] Restesqually On guard, God Listen, I found something Cool Oh good Kind of Why they have so many people though That is confusing But yeah Wow I forgot that aspect of it That Chloe somehow was on Maybe she sang No she doesn't sing But they don't have three guests Rufus Raintain Maybe no one got two segments Oh maybe I certainly didn't for your part.

[1584] Okay.

[1585] This is 42 minutes.

[1586] Oh gosh.

[1587] You have a look on your face that has pity.

[1588] No, it's not.

[1589] Oh, okay, okay.

[1590] Look how young.

[1591] One of the stars of MTV's punked, which can be seen Monday nights at 10 .30.

[1592] Please welcome.

[1593] Very funny.

[1594] Dax Shepherd, ladies and gentlemen.

[1595] Okay, everyone has to watch this.

[1596] You did a cute little entrance.

[1597] I did.

[1598] Yeah.

[1599] Trying my hardest to get noticed.

[1600] You see you're doing like a dance.

[1601] Oh, you did some air.

[1602] Oh, Jesus.

[1603] No, I've gone too far.

[1604] Oh, they just keep playing because apparently I'm dancing.

[1605] Am I embarrassing myself yet?

[1606] That's still working?

[1607] Oh, it's good to a bad.

[1608] Oh, it's great.

[1609] I just say your name.

[1610] I just Dax, you know.

[1611] It's a good time.

[1612] Sometimes I'll sit at home for hours on in, just looking in the mirror.

[1613] You look so young.

[1614] Doing your answering machine over here.

[1615] Dax isn't here.

[1616] Unfortunately, Dax is not home.

[1617] Yeah.

[1618] At Dax's house.

[1619] Hi, I'm Dax.

[1620] I'm Dax.

[1621] Here right now.

[1622] And again, I came after the Dax.

[1623] This is rough.

[1624] It's not.

[1625] It's fine.

[1626] This is rock.

[1627] Good, you're keeping, yeah.

[1628] Oh.

[1629] So.

[1630] Working with, uh, I did a little bit with you in the groundlings at one point.

[1631] I was hoping you would remember.

[1632] I totally do.

[1633] I totally remember that, because I did the groundlings for a while.

[1634] Yeah, I didn't actually become one.

[1635] Did you?

[1636] Uh, you, in the Sunday company for a year.

[1637] Did you take lessons in LA, uh, this improv, these teacher?

[1638] And when you're in between classes, you paid $25 to go act like a dip.

[1639] Just dick.

[1640] Oh my god, you just looked just like Lincoln.

[1641] Really?

[1642] Really?

[1643] You went straight to them.

[1644] Wow.

[1645] And then it went to our life.

[1646] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1647] And by the way, I heard your song, and I'm so glad that you didn't take B. Arthur, because I have her phone number.

[1648] Big laugh.

[1649] Big laugh for that.

[1650] Oh, you're doing your funny face.

[1651] That's funny.

[1652] Because B. Bee told me this morning she changed her number but I'm in doing it awkward because we date the same girl it's so weird but it's a great movie what opens your life for us he's easy unfortunately I thought I had won the you know the gold chain and I'll hear you who ran into a celebrity in the airport oh my goodness yeah well mind you the entire experience flying here was um what you'd beg to happen prior to going on a talk show I'm walking through the airport and I see people taking pictures.

[1653] And by God, if it isn't Mr. T. B .A. Barakas is waiting aboard a flight.

[1654] Yeah.

[1655] I don't know where he was headed to by the Garden State, but, um, enough celebrities watch punk because they're afraid and they want to know what to watch out for.

[1656] But there's an awkward moment where you're like trying to feel if they can know you or, you know what I'm saying?

[1657] So I went up to Mr. T. They must feel like they're getting punked as well, right?

[1658] Right.

[1659] Yeah.

[1660] So I went up to Mr. T and I just shot straight in.

[1661] And I was like, I pity the fool.

[1662] And he goes, was.

[1663] He just would do that with anyone.

[1664] Oh, you're up.

[1665] I was like, pitied up.

[1666] Inside the actor's studio when I'm like 70.

[1667] 120 -year -old James Lipton's going to go.

[1668] Please, the kids want to hear it.

[1669] Tell us we've been pumped.

[1670] That is going to be a catcher as ugly.

[1671] Mr. T. When he expires, you're like, I thought about punching him.

[1672] I pity the first.

[1673] But seeing him in person, he's 112.

[1674] I have zero recollection of this.

[1675] That's so confusing.

[1676] If there's any time to try your luck with Mr. T, it's right now.

[1677] It's go to.

[1678] Oh, you're going to punch her?

[1679] Yeah.

[1680] It actually does pity the fool.

[1681] That's hilarious.

[1682] I'm sweating a bit on my forehead.

[1683] Oh, man. That was your first appearance ever.

[1684] That is so stressful.

[1685] Okay, there's so much to talk about it.

[1686] I need to remind you that.

[1687] I was in front of a camera for the very first time, like three months before that.

[1688] I do not.

[1689] You think that was bad?

[1690] Oh, yeah.

[1691] I think that was rough.

[1692] That was rough.

[1693] I'm trying so hard.

[1694] I'm not letting him talk.

[1695] No, no, no. Notes.

[1696] No. It is so fascinating for me to watch this because I know you so well.

[1697] Yes.

[1698] And I don't know him.

[1699] Yeah.

[1700] But I do.

[1701] Like there's this weird thing where I'm like, oh yeah, there he is.

[1702] Like it's very, it's very rare to be able to do that.

[1703] with someone like you'll never be able to do that with me you'll never be able to go back in not true i watch you in the cheer um in your cheer competition oh sure but that's not my personality that by the way that's not mine that's what's weird but there are pieces that are that's what i'm saying it's like even just the way you like change names and stuff like that's so you that's true that's true and it's like sweet to see it in this little boy yeah i think because the reason i was getting asked to be places.

[1704] I was on this show that was crazy.

[1705] Yeah, exactly.

[1706] And I was like, oh, they want me to be crazy.

[1707] That's not weird.

[1708] That's exactly right.

[1709] You had a persona.

[1710] Yeah.

[1711] But I didn't really know what it was yet.

[1712] Because punk isn't my, I'm not a prankster.

[1713] No, but that's why you were getting noticed for.

[1714] Yeah, it was very weird.

[1715] Wow.

[1716] Also, I'm talking about, like, whether people know me or not.

[1717] Oh, my God.

[1718] No. Well, I did.

[1719] I was talking about that.

[1720] Well, I thought that was extremely sweet.

[1721] And it's nice to see before and afters.

[1722] Before and afters.

[1723] Yeah.

[1724] I love that.

[1725] Wow.

[1726] Ooh, that gave me the sweats.

[1727] That gave me the deep sweats.

[1728] It takes a minute to figure out talk shows.

[1729] For me, it takes a minute.

[1730] It took me many to just relax out there.

[1731] Yeah.

[1732] Well, it's scary.

[1733] It is.

[1734] It feels like a starter pistol.

[1735] still goes off when they call your name.

[1736] Yeah.

[1737] You're like, oh my God, I have four minutes to make everyone fall in love with me. Cheerleading.

[1738] It feels like a performance.

[1739] Exactly.

[1740] Yeah.

[1741] But I haven't practiced.

[1742] And I don't have a routine.

[1743] Well, yeah.

[1744] Like, even in that, I'm trying to think, like, was there a pre -interview?

[1745] It doesn't feel like there was a pre -interview.

[1746] I think the Mr. T. Okay.

[1747] Because the way he said, like, you saw someone at the airport.

[1748] Yes, you're right.

[1749] Also, that is not smooth either.

[1750] No. That was clearly his first because.

[1751] Now there's a much...

[1752] More elegant when you're going to get into it.

[1753] Yes.

[1754] Well, it's great.

[1755] Yeah, it's great.

[1756] It's his first time hosting and my first time being I wanted.

[1757] I'm shocked.

[1758] I guess you could say I'm shocked at win as well as it did.

[1759] I think it's great.

[1760] You look so little, and so does he.

[1761] Oh, my gosh.

[1762] It's very sweet.

[1763] A couple teenagers on TV.

[1764] It's very sweet.

[1765] You were both 28 there.

[1766] I was just a little baby.

[1767] You were a 12?

[1768] No, a 16 -year -old.

[1769] Yeah.

[1770] Not really a baby.

[1771] You were prepping for your first trip to the States.

[1772] 11th grade.

[1773] To the States.

[1774] Isn't that what you would call state championship?

[1775] You meant to America.

[1776] Yeah.

[1777] That's what I thought to.

[1778] Oh.

[1779] I was born here.

[1780] Oh, my God.

[1781] Oh, my God.

[1782] No. Like, they would say the basketball team's going to states.

[1783] State.

[1784] Where I'm from.

[1785] State.

[1786] Okay.

[1787] But in Michigan, they put us on everything, Ford's, K -Marts.

[1788] That's right.

[1789] Ted Seeger's.

[1790] Okay.

[1791] How tall is Will Ferrell?

[1792] Will Ferrell is 6 -3 according to the internet.

[1793] There you go.

[1794] Yeah, taller than I am.

[1795] Yeah, I mean, I don't remember that, but whatever.

[1796] Like, I don't remember being like, he's even taller than you.

[1797] He's a big boy.

[1798] He's a big boy.

[1799] How many teaspoons go into a tablespoon?

[1800] Three.

[1801] Oh, wonderful.

[1802] Oh, my God, these are fun.

[1803] And they're coming fast, too.

[1804] Will Ferrell, 6 .3.

[1805] Well, we ate up a lot of time with that.

[1806] Oh, I'm embarrassed by the whole thing.

[1807] You're allowed to grow.

[1808] It's okay.

[1809] I wasn't sober yet either.

[1810] Oh, I was going to ask that.

[1811] Yeah.

[1812] I mean, I might have been on like a month.

[1813] I am on the appearance for sure.

[1814] Yeah.

[1815] And again, I probably started trying to get sober around 28.

[1816] So I bet Who knows what's going on there?

[1817] That might have been in this spell Where I didn't drink for a year But I did drugs.

[1818] I don't know.

[1819] I don't know.

[1820] Yeah.

[1821] That's a better way to put it.

[1822] I've not begun doing any self -work yet.

[1823] Yeah.

[1824] But that's beautiful.

[1825] Oh, thank you.

[1826] Isn't it nice to see the change?

[1827] Yeah, I guess it's just embarrassing for me, but...

[1828] Well, no one starts out.

[1829] I mean, that's the whole point.

[1830] You have to put in work.

[1831] Yeah.

[1832] That's wild, though, that I don't remember one second.

[1833] The only thing I do, remember is Paul Schaefer.

[1834] Because Dave wasn't there, I wanted to connect with one of the icons of the show I've been watching forever, so I got a little distracted.

[1835] It was fine.

[1836] It was cute.

[1837] Oh, my gosh.

[1838] Okay.

[1839] 18 years ago?

[1840] 19 years ago.

[1841] That was 19 years ago.

[1842] Okay, I tried to find out how much the Rodney Dangerfield trophy weighed.

[1843] Oh.

[1844] But I can't find it.

[1845] Unknowable.

[1846] Well, I'm sure it is.

[1847] but I didn't find it.

[1848] But it's called the Rodney Respect Award.

[1849] It's a unique recognition award that is presented annually to a comedian who embodies Rodney Dangerfield's professional legacy and devotion to making a difference in the lives of others.

[1850] Rodney Dangerfield was so funny.

[1851] And one of the most legendary hoover's in all of show business.

[1852] Yeah, yeah.

[1853] Just a real vacuum.

[1854] That means cocaine for the listener who does that.

[1855] Yeah.

[1856] It's amazing.

[1857] He made it last so long.

[1858] Okay.

[1859] So he tells this story about Conan was going to take the Tonight Show in six years.

[1860] Yeah.

[1861] I have to be honest, confused by that story.

[1862] Okay.

[1863] I'm still confused.

[1864] Oh, I can tell you.

[1865] Yeah.

[1866] So basically, Conan had gotten big enough.

[1867] Yeah.

[1868] He came on after Leno.

[1869] Right.

[1870] And when his contract was up, NBC really wanted.

[1871] to keep him.

[1872] Yeah.

[1873] But he was getting offers from ABC and all these other places to come there.

[1874] So what NBC did is they said, if you stay, if you re -up, we promise you the Leno spot in six years, which is where they got into all that trouble.

[1875] Because they made that promise to him contractually.

[1876] And then so Leno basically just found out like, we're retiring you in six years.

[1877] Right.

[1878] They didn't tell him or ask him.

[1879] No, no, no. I think they just thought somehow this would not be a problem.

[1880] six years and then of course leno was subsequently kind of ushered out and didn't really want to go and then a month after this whole thing happens they then offer leno do you want to come back and have a show at 10 because leno was crushing in the ratings he's beating letterman it was working quite well for mbc and then when conan first came on the ratings went down so they're like oh my god what the fuck have we done oh here's an idea we'll take over the 10 10 o 'clock slot and the show is so cheap to produce and in the 10 o 'clock slot there's always a one hour drama well those are expensive shows so those were like three and a half million dollar in episodes so like oh this is genius we're spending 15 million a week on these other shows we'll put him on this will be great well what happened was it it further crushed Conan's ratings it also fucked up the lead in for the news because the nature of talk shows is people like generally watch the monologue and maybe they'll watch the first guess there's like a very precise Cipidus drop off with late night.

[1881] So all the news affiliates were pissed that their leading ones fucked.

[1882] The whole thing was a big old disaster.

[1883] And then ultimately, they decided to buy Conan out of his contract and just bring Leno back.

[1884] Right.

[1885] And then Conan went to TBS.

[1886] And then the 10 o 'clock spot is what Fallon came in to do?

[1887] No, Phelan went into Conan's spot that he left.

[1888] Copy.

[1889] That is what?

[1890] The late show.

[1891] I was confused about.

[1892] Okay.

[1893] And by the way, it's the truth.

[1894] trajectory.

[1895] So Letterman started following Carson in the late show.

[1896] And then he got his own at 1130 slot on Channel 2, whatever that is CBS, CBS I think, where he stayed for the rest of his career.

[1897] And then Leno took over for Carson.

[1898] And then Conan went after that.

[1899] And then Conan went up to prime time.

[1900] Phelan went to late night and Phelan went up.

[1901] Yeah.

[1902] Yeah.

[1903] Yeah.

[1904] Isn't there, there's like a book on it, I think.

[1905] There is.

[1906] The late shift or something.

[1907] Wars or something.

[1908] Oh, there's that too.

[1909] I think there was a movie The Late Shift based on a book.

[1910] There's currently, and I watched a few episodes of it's really good, there's a history of late night that may be CNN ended or something.

[1911] I like it a lot because Kimmel's in it a bunch.

[1912] Oh, fun.

[1913] And it just makes me happy for him because they're telling you that Jack Parsons, the very beginning, how you get to Johnny Carson, Johnny Carson's whole run.

[1914] It's a very, very few people.

[1915] Oh, God, yeah.

[1916] Over a 40 -year period that have got to do that.

[1917] And he's one of them.

[1918] And I like that.

[1919] for him.

[1920] Was that the HBO one that used a bunch of our clips?

[1921] Oh, yes.

[1922] I think I said it to you because when they talk about Leno they played clips from our show.

[1923] Yeah, that's amazing.

[1924] And by the way, I didn't know that.

[1925] I'm so interested in that whole story.

[1926] So I'm watching it as a fan of light night and all of a sudden they cut the clips of our show.

[1927] I almost...

[1928] With our photos too.

[1929] Yeah, yeah.

[1930] Almost shit my slacks.

[1931] Wow.

[1932] Very exciting.

[1933] That's really flattering.

[1934] It sounded like Robbie was more.

[1935] and why that copyright infringement.

[1936] Yeah, he seems so sad.

[1937] I was just flattered that we made.

[1938] I was like, oh, I'm not in there, but I'm somehow in there.

[1939] Yeah, you made it in.

[1940] Yeah.

[1941] All right.

[1942] Well, those are all our, those are good facts.

[1943] Some are hot and fast.

[1944] Some were embarrassing for me or stressful.

[1945] And here we are.

[1946] And here we are.

[1947] I love you.

[1948] Love you.

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