#169 - Brian Redban, Doug Benson, Bert Kreischer, Ari Shaffir, Jason Gillearn

[0] It's the Joe Rogan experience.

[1] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[2] We're sitting here drinking, I think it's cognac.

[3] Is that what it is?

[4] I don't know what it is, man. It's intense.

[5] Brought to me by the Armenians.

[6] The Armenians are some bad motherfuckers.

[7] Yeah.

[8] The Armenians who train with Ronda Rousey, they brought over some delicious cognac, and it's perfect for our second anniversary show, Mani Garmin.

[9] Shout out to my man, Mani, and Go -Car and all those people over there.

[10] And, of course, Carol Peresian.

[11] And Armenians are some fun people.

[12] That's one of the cool things about ethnicities, you know, that you get to meet, you know, some people just, like, as a group that are, like, different than your normal white people.

[13] Yeah.

[14] You know, Armenians are way more fun than your normal white people.

[15] I got my haircut today by one.

[16] I think we've talked about how scary that is.

[17] Yo, this shit is, like, flashing in my face and freaking me out.

[18] Can we not have this?

[19] This is, like, the worst way you could ever hold a conversation.

[20] Oh, okay.

[21] Sorry.

[22] Dude, I can't see.

[23] Like, right now, I'm looking at...

[24] Pac -Man's right of my eyeballs.

[25] He burned it in my fucking retina.

[26] That's funny.

[27] What are you playing behind me, man?

[28] Tetris?

[29] Remember Tetris?

[30] Yeah.

[31] It's, it's, it's actually, I have a great idea.

[32] There's all these lasers in this room now.

[33] Imagine also projecting the old -school 80s asteroids mixed into it.

[34] That would be very cool.

[35] Not Tetris.

[36] I didn't mean Tetris, though.

[37] You know what I meant?

[38] Simon says.

[39] Remember the game where it was like, it was so stupid.

[40] It was like one color and then another color and you had to keep up with the color.

[41] do you have to remember it and then relay exactly how it did the beats.

[42] Yep.

[43] Like that's how desperate we were for games back then.

[44] Yeah.

[45] Who gives a fuck if you get that right?

[46] You know?

[47] It's frustrating for me. I don't like it.

[48] Did you think they ever had like competitions?

[49] Oh, I'm sure they had.

[50] What was it called again?

[51] Simon says.

[52] What Simon says?

[53] Yeah.

[54] Do you think they had Simon says competitions?

[55] Oh, I'm sure they have.

[56] Because they have like Rubik's Cube competitions.

[57] Simon says seems like that the winner would be interesting because there's only really so many, Like you've talked about it before, how many numbers or names you can keep in your head.

[58] That's the same way as Simon says.

[59] That's how many things you can remember in a row or, you know, short -term memory.

[60] And there has to be a cutoff number.

[61] I don't think that's how many names you can remember.

[62] I think they say how many semi -intimate relationships you can have.

[63] Like not even, you know, just have knowledge of someone.

[64] Right.

[65] Have them in your head.

[66] There's people that I, like, completely forgot about.

[67] And then someone will bring it back.

[68] And it's like someone dusts off the file and hands it.

[69] it to me. And then I can start going through, oh, yeah.

[70] Oh, my God.

[71] Oh, yeah.

[72] And, you know, and then all of a sudden, these memories are now available again.

[73] But, like, my brain was ready to get rid of them.

[74] You know, my brain was ready to, we don't need that there.

[75] You can only remember so much.

[76] You can only remember so many people.

[77] You only remember so many names, so many things you've done.

[78] You've got a certain point in time.

[79] It's like, why are you even accessing this memory?

[80] You know, you've got to be concentrating on your own life right now, stupid.

[81] Stop living in the past.

[82] It's almost like it won't let you have access to it just to, you know, just to keep your fucking moving forward so you don't sit around like a dumb monkey thinking about every moment that ever happened ever in your life and make second guesses left and right you know if you if you were if you had access to every memory that you ever had how many people would just obsess at every fucking single mistake they've ever made and why they made it and you know just go over the the whole list of every fucking step it'd be really hard to ignore like the way to move on and ignore it's just kind of forget about it that's like the best way like if you had a trouble past if you know you were like a drunk and a fucking loser and you know you hit your girlfriend or something and you've reformed yourself from that make wouldn't it be awesome if those memories just dissolved when you were actually reformed once you've actually become reformed once you've actually paid your debt would it would be great if you didn't have to think about that anymore if you learn your lesson and you just like you could delete it from your head completely that's going to delete that that definitely seems like that's going to be in the future that would probably be hacking your brain people would say you know um I want him to remember I want him to remember no don't let him delete it and then people would have like legal battles to see if a guy you know who did some horrendous crime that is ultimately incredibly sorry for could could he delete his memory of that crime right oh it probably that's a weird that would really be oh sorry but it would be a real weird contest where it would we come down to punishment or reform like what are we really interested in a really really interested in fixing people or we really interested in in some retribution what what is it when someone does a crime you know yeah they're there would do it there would have to have rules for it like you can't you can't abuse it like it you could only delete like if you were molested or if you uh yeah maybe if some shit was holding you back right but then it would be like a battle for consciousness why can't you just delete it any way you want i mean you can delete it now if you just want to sniff pain all day right you know you know they're self -medicating yeah when you get around down to certain things there's certain things like sniff and paint you're like okay really you know like you when you see those pictures there's one there's a brilliant one on the internet of a guy with with believe it's silver silver gold paint all over his face all over his face the guy was cops they have it all the time people with silver on their face and they're oh my god what is that guy running from that guy's running from something deep you know i don't know if it's a genetic thing it's running school and jobs teeth health well -being he's running from all those things yeah sprinting away you'd be this it's weird man it's like they're almost has to be a full spectrum of people it seems like if you just let things go hairy carry all over the fucking place if you just let if it's not engineered it seems like human life can hit the whole spectrum from monster to saint from from angel to killer to slut to perfect person to you know i mean you could every fucking step along the way it's possible and you can meet it It's just, it has to get mashed up into one crazy chaotic soup that is the human existence.

[83] You know, it almost seems like in order to have, we all want everything to be perfect and everything to be beautiful.

[84] But it's almost like in order to have these beautiful moments, you have to have something contrasting it.

[85] You have to have something that opposes it.

[86] You have to have something that motivates it.

[87] You have to have something that's moving against.

[88] It seems almost like some sort of a grand pattern for improvement.

[89] You know, if you looked at the human race, you have to have something that's moving against, you know, as like something other than, you know, what we are.

[90] You looked at it as other than your friends and your neighbors and loved ones.

[91] Just look at it as like an organism, like how it's working.

[92] Yeah.

[93] You know?

[94] It's almost like all these things have to be in place.

[95] You almost have to have the full spectrum of human behavior, of fuck -ups and geniuses and humbling people and incredible talents and child prodigies and lazy fucks.

[96] You almost have to all have them all together.

[97] It's like they all play a piece in this crazy puzzle.

[98] It's just to us that's in it They're like, oh, look at this fat fuck who's in my way Well, that fat fuck like is a part of the spectrum Like he's in there for a reason You know, everybody is We were at Target the other day And this super obese old fat lady I'm talking like maybe 70, 75 But that's incredible obese like yeah so it's like a unicorn And but she was like She walked into Target And she couldn't walk anymore So she like leaned on the security thing like those things you walk through when you, you know, it goes, beep, beep, beep, you know, like when you walk out.

[99] Right.

[100] She leaned on, and it's about to crack over, like, over.

[101] And Veronica was like, hey, do you need help, ma 'am?

[102] And she goes, no, I need this place to send me a wheelchair, though.

[103] And so then she's like, oh, okay.

[104] And so she told, like, this lady, like, hey, I think this woman needs a wheelchair.

[105] And the woman's like, we're out of wheelchairs right now because there's, you know, we only have 12 or something like that.

[106] And so she just started to lean more and more on that security thing.

[107] And it's just broken now.

[108] It's just, like, hanging to the side.

[109] But you're just like, looking like, these poor people at Target, you know, they're like, it's not their fault.

[110] This woman is so obese and old and breaking their shit, but they can't get mad at her.

[111] Like, if I went over there and just knocked that thing over, they'd be like, all right, you owe us $400 for a new security system, you know?

[112] Well, that's an unfortunate situation just all around.

[113] You know, when you get someone that gets that out of hand, I don't care how old they are.

[114] That's like, wow, who, you know.

[115] Yeah.

[116] That's a cry for help.

[117] There's something.

[118] I think she's already been crying enough, you know.

[119] I mean, that's just, that's horrendous lack of self -aware.

[120] I don't know if you could say awareness or discipline or certainly control, control of your biology.

[121] Your biology is completely out of whack.

[122] You know, that's probably one of the worst things that can happen to a person, just not be able to control their biology anymore.

[123] Yeah.

[124] You know, that's devastating.

[125] To get caught up in some crazy thing where you want to eat all the time.

[126] You know, what is it?

[127] It's a fucking kink, man. It's a mental kink.

[128] It's like any other one, man. It's like the ones that make people addicted to looking at underage girls and shit like that.

[129] Like, what the fuck is that, man?

[130] How is that broken shit still around?

[131] Like, how is that genetically even in the code?

[132] You know, how are those?

[133] It's like, you know, when you have dogs, one of the things about dog breeders is if you go to a good breeder who really cares about dogs, you can get a brilliant dog because these dogs are bred to not be aggressive to people, the smart ones are the ones they want to breed.

[134] And any dog that's aggressive to other dogs, they don't let them breed.

[135] No, no crazy dogs.

[136] And everybody was cool and calm.

[137] And because of that, like, I have one of my dogs, Johnny is the greatest dog.

[138] He's so nice.

[139] He's just a sweetheart.

[140] He's smart.

[141] He's not stupid.

[142] He always just likes to be around people and be friendly.

[143] Just a great dog.

[144] And I swear it's because this guy was conscientious and he thought about it.

[145] Yeah.

[146] We can't do that with people, though.

[147] We can't treat people like dogs.

[148] Unfortunately.

[149] We should be.

[150] That's Hitler talk, man. We should be able to.

[151] No, that's Hitler talk.

[152] You can't have too much control over the wave.

[153] You just got to ride it.

[154] You've got to influence it as much as possible in a positive sense.

[155] But you can't ultimately control shit like that because those people are here.

[156] They're here.

[157] You've got to be nice to them.

[158] Try to steer them in the right direction possible if you can.

[159] But they're here.

[160] Yeah.

[161] Can't keep them from fucking.

[162] We're already turning into Nazis anyways, this country.

[163] It's weird.

[164] This new soap is.

[165] Explain it to me. The SOPA shit.

[166] All right.

[167] I don't even know it that well.

[168] But what I understand.

[169] What is it called?

[170] What I get from it.

[171] Stop online piracy act.

[172] Yeah.

[173] It's a way for, you know, like they can pretty much start censoring websites.

[174] So like if you have a copywritten video on your website and stuff like that, it's pretty much giving permission for like a third party, I believe, just to be able to shut it down.

[175] So what it's going to turn into, I believe, is like, you know how YouTube is like the biggest Nazis when it comes to, like, if you have a song on there, they'll just, you know, delete your video or if you even have the word UFC and a title they'll just delete the video you know a lot of times very big instance that's what i'm starting that's what's going to allow the government i believe to do you can just pull stuff off your website and and then it's like well how where does it stop like what if i have an avatar of harry potter you know what i mean like on a message board somebody uses can they say hey that's a copyrighted image you know this is almost all because of um the um hollywood yeah this is all because of movies right this is the what justification for SOPA and protect IP and it says two words rogue sites that's Hollywood's term for websites that happen to be located in a nation more hospitable to copyright infringement than the United States in fact the U .S. is probably the least hospitable jurisdiction in the world for such an endeavor because the target is offshore a lawsuit against the owners in a U .S. court would be futile so that's what they're doing so that's what it is is you you we have a problem with sites that can start just fucking showing movies and and and yeah but does it stop just that movies or does it shows and well i mean if this with what they're saying there there is something to that that makes sense that you shouldn't be able to steal people shit i agree with that like what the because like this i don't agree i certainly don't agree with anybody getting any more control than they already have this seems like to me state that right right i don't think they shouldn't i don't think it's a slippery slope and you start the internet is free and the internet is supposed to be free and why it's so beautiful and why so much has come out of it and why it's so hospitable you know to us to this generation to the people that grew up with it to the people that recognize that it's changed the whole fucking world man it's changed our reality it changed our perceptions our connections the internet being free is what made this whole thing happen the way it's happening right now and understandably the powers it be are not happy about that so if they can give in to the whims of Hollywood or whatever in order to you know protect themselves and on the other hand though I think that people should be fucking prosecuted too I feel like there should be some sort of a law without some sort of a sweeping justification like this there should certainly be a way to keep someone from stealing someone's material a common sense law or if it's a pay -per -view fight whether it's UFC or boxing or a WWE event I think there should be laws there should be laws that keep people from streaming that shit there should be a way they could stop that because that is theft there's a there's a difference between that and the freedom of just to be able to distribute information, especially information like little YouTube clips or something like that.

[176] Like you might link in a blog.

[177] Like what if you link something in a blog?

[178] Like say if you had a YouTube clip where there's a great scene in the movie The Shining and you use this great scene and as a point in your blog.

[179] And it's sort of like this scene, the Shining.

[180] This is what I felt like at that moment.

[181] Well, if you have that in your blog, what if it's just, you know, embedded from YouTube?

[182] YouTube?

[183] Does that still count?

[184] Can they can they fucking pull you?

[185] I bet they can.

[186] Yeah, that's why I'm saying this law, it seems like it's almost like a seatbelt law.

[187] Like this is just letting them get the power to do whatever they fuck they want to.

[188] Meaning like it might be, you might think of it like, oh no, they're only going to go after you if you're like fucking streaming fucking Goodfellows too on your website.

[189] You can't give them that door because they can alter it from then.

[190] Well, then it could be any other crime.

[191] And then it could be, you know, you know, conspiracy to commit crime or being involved in, um, medical marijuana, which is federally illegal, things can get real slippery.

[192] Yeah.

[193] You know, and it really depends on who's spreading the right money in the right direction.

[194] This crazy, corrupt fucking whackadoo system we got growing on here.

[195] Did you hear about Good Daddy?

[196] We're a fucking gigantic Banana Republic.

[197] That's what we are, bro.

[198] We are just selling our ass to the highest bidder over and over and over again.

[199] And I guess the highest bitter right now is Hollywood.

[200] Yeah, did you hear about GoDaddy?

[201] What happened to them?

[202] What are they doing?

[203] This is, you know, this is so amazing that nowadays, Like anonymous.

[204] I feel safer that anonymous exists than our own government right now.

[205] Because this is a perfect example of how awesome.

[206] They seem to have more a conscience that's more in tune with mine.

[207] Yeah, absolutely.

[208] And yours.

[209] Absolutely.

[210] So what happened is, is GoDaddies put on their website yesterday that they support SOPA, this new law that's going to do all this crap.

[211] And I guess there's like 150 big corporations that do, mostly probably Hollywood and stuff like that.

[212] Anyways, so everybody, they started, like people on the internet, through anonymous and through websites and community, they started transferring their domains and registers out of GoDaddy to like other different companies because of this.

[213] And they got such a huge hit that today GoDaddy said, you know what?

[214] We change our mind.

[215] We're whatever the internet wants.

[216] Holy shit.

[217] And they deleted the old thread.

[218] They deleted the old thing off their website.

[219] They did the new one.

[220] Holy shit.

[221] That's amazing.

[222] That's incredible.

[223] Yeah.

[224] That's a beautiful moment.

[225] Yeah.

[226] And it was so fast.

[227] I mean, here's a really disturbing.

[228] Sorry to interrupt you, but here's a really disturbing comment from Verizon.

[229] Said Verizon continues to look at SOPA.

[230] And while it's fair to say that we have concerns about the legislation, we are working with the congressional staff to address those concerns.

[231] A representative told us that I don't like the way that sounds.

[232] Verizon's one of the biggest supporters of this.

[233] And that's already been noted.

[234] That's what we've talked about this before, where I said, you know, that's one of the reasons that I fucking jump ship off of Verizon.

[235] So AT &T doesn't?

[236] Because Tim McCone and AT &T executive vice president of federalizing said, we have been supportive of the general framework of the Senate bill.

[237] When it comes to SOPA, all AT &T would say is that it is working constructively with Chairman Smith and others towards a similar end in the House.

[238] So it sounds like they're supporting it, too.

[239] Yeah, but also, don't you remember Google and Google and Google?

[240] and Verizon, remember, teamed up I think, listen, I think they have to.

[241] I think if I owned a big corporation, I would definitely feel differently.

[242] If I own the UFC, I would feel differently.

[243] I'm, look, I want to be real clear.

[244] I think, you know, when you fucking steal someone's stream off, you know, a pay -per -view and somehow or another, you get that shit out into the internet, man, that's, you're, you're fucking people out of money, and that's not fair.

[245] You're not supposed to be doing that.

[246] That's, that's clearly doing something that's shitty.

[247] You know, you're stealing.

[248] Yeah.

[249] But But there's a big difference between that like yes you should stop that but you know what you shouldn't do you shouldn't give anyone the ability to just start shutting down websites you shouldn't give anyone the ability to decide what they think is offensive or what they think is dangerous to the country whatever the fuck that means you know that's all they need to see they need to see something along those lines on top of the online piracy and it's just once the doors open man once you let the vampire in the house didn't you see fright night no it's good it's pretty good the new one it's pretty fucking good with the handsome irish bloke what's his name?

[250] I don't know.

[251] I don't even know what that movie is.

[252] The fuck's his name.

[253] The guy, he had a sex tape a while back with Billy Hot Black Girl who was in Playboy.

[254] Colin McFarrell.

[255] Is that his name?

[256] Oh yeah, yeah.

[257] Yeah, he's the vampire.

[258] Badass vampire.

[259] It's a good fucking movie, man. It didn't get any credit.

[260] It's a fun movie.

[261] I mean, it's not trying to be Citizen Kane.

[262] But it's a fun fucking vampire movie.

[263] I liked it.

[264] I enjoyed it.

[265] That's because It's the second anniversary.

[266] Yeah, dude.

[267] It's so crazy.

[268] It's been two years from this shit.

[269] Well, it's definitely changed.

[270] Look at us now.

[271] Got a fucking studio here.

[272] Yeah.

[273] Got a real place.

[274] Yeah.

[275] We've got cameras all up in this bitch.

[276] Got fucking lasers.

[277] Got our NASA shirts back, though.

[278] These lasers could be frying my eyeballs, bro.

[279] How do you even know?

[280] Are these safe?

[281] Yeah, they're safe lasers.

[282] Dude, if I lose my vision, I swear to God, I'm going to fucking hit you.

[283] It's going to slowly help your vision.

[284] What?

[285] Really?

[286] Yeah, it's going to shave off a little one by one.

[287] Wow.

[288] There's a new app you have to download.

[289] free i i've fucking been going i don't know if you've been watching my twitter lately no but it is the most amazing thing the guys that do bad robot that did lost uh they have a new app and it's called it's free action movie and what they did is they got together with skywalker sound and a couple of like like real video movie people and they have these things where you just record something and like like i've been doing it with my cats and dogs and then like your dog sit there and suddenly a helicopter will come in like realistically and then crash on your dog blowing your dog up and then like like movie shit it's amazing dude i'll show you i'll show you one here i'll show you one right now that's incredible oh it's called action movie it's free it's called action move movie and why did they did they just do this for fun because there's some advertising advertising in it you know and then you can buy extra scenes like if no i want missiles well you would think if someone could come up with something like angry birds i mean i don't play angry birds because i have a real fear of anything that's addictive and all i hear about that thing is angry birds so addictive angry birds so addictive but I mean what if you can come up with something brilliant like that that's really the way to make money come up with your own and then get it get advertising on it and then advertisement you know get it you know X amount of dollars per whatever downloads you can get and that's like a legitimate way of putting shit out now right yeah it totally well look at louis CK Louis CK yeah let's talk about that he already made one million dollars first of all it's so inspirational I mean not just that it's other shit that he said afterwards he gave a bunch of it away man yeah he gave like he's only keeping a quarter of it so far but what he he's he well the money's still coming in yeah but what he forgot to do is like to to to take out tax because that's probably going to be like what 40 % of that million dollars well no because not if he doesn't take it as payment you know if he if he gives it away in charity it actually he doesn't have to pay as much but what i love is his attitude about it was a really fascinating attitude and this is a real attitude this isn't a guy like pretending to be like super thoughtful you know he said something like really selfless he said i never thought of it as my money i just thought of it as the money right it's like a resource and you got it you got to just put it right back into work yeah and i i remember uh i read that i was like wow what a brilliant statement and what a great representation of who he is you know he's such an interesting guy an interesting thinker you know i mean he he really puts his money where his mouth is and it's a stupid statement but you know i have to say i mean you know i mean that's really what he did i mean that's a beautiful thing.

[290] He really is that weird dude.

[291] He's one of my favorites of all time right now.

[292] I can't wait to get him on a podcast someday.

[293] I'll have to ask him.

[294] I always avoid asking him because I know how busy he is and I know he's, I mean, he does his own show dude.

[295] He fucking edits it.

[296] He films it and he edits it.

[297] I mean, I would love to sit down and talk to him about the process, but he's so crazy that he won't even do it on like a Big Mac.

[298] He has like a 13 -inch lap.

[299] Well, that might be old 30 -2.

[300] I don't know.

[301] That's what he said.

[302] He probably has a fucking...

[303] I'm sure he has it, but that's not the point.

[304] I think he could always afford it, dude.

[305] He was always making plenty of money before that.

[306] I mean, Louis's been a, you know, a big name national headliner for years.

[307] Like, it was never like he had an issue of hoarding a good laptop.

[308] You know, he just wants to do it on his laptop for some crazy reason.

[309] Check this out.

[310] I did this on my phone.

[311] Watch this.

[312] Watch a TV right there.

[313] Is this as the action movie thing?

[314] Oh, shit.

[315] I just killed my cat.

[316] Wow, that is fucking crazy.

[317] Yeah, and I did a whole bunch of them, like, Stitcher, you know, Stitcher radio.

[318] We shouldn't tell people about this.

[319] Why?

[320] Because then people are going to take videos of their ex -girlfriends and then do that and then put that shit online.

[321] So that's cool.

[322] How disturbing would that be?

[323] Check this one out.

[324] You don't even listen to me, you fuck?

[325] Check this one out.

[326] You don't think that that's disturbing?

[327] No, it's so fake.

[328] That's my name, guys.

[329] Everyone check out the Stitcher.

[330] Isn't that cool?

[331] Um, yeah, it's kind of the same joke, though, over it over again.

[332] Here's something.

[333] We're going to blow it up.

[334] here something we're gonna blow it up so you think people are gonna use their ex -girlfriends and ex -boyfriends for sure blow the fuck out of them making a video of them getting missiles shot in their head why wouldn't you like this there's a lot of people that want to do that like that we have oh she's hot oh no dude that's bullshit she acted that's total bullshit that's stupid why'd you play that how dare you brian how dare you on our second anniversary so let's get back to this crazy sofa thing man Have you looked into it?

[335] Because I have not.

[336] And, you know, everything I'm saying is just, I don't know the words of the legislation.

[337] I don't know how it's written.

[338] But what I do know is it's very dangerous to give people or give the government the option to go into your shit and shut things down.

[339] Just to have that door open, in my opinion, that shouldn't be the case.

[340] It should be, you know, aggressive prosecution of people who violate the current laws.

[341] You know, I'm for that.

[342] But what I'm not for is anybody having the ability to shut your shit off.

[343] Yeah.

[344] Or censor your shit.

[345] Imagine your website, like you put a video, a fear factor on there, like on the front page.

[346] And they're like, oh, the copyright.

[347] Bam, your website's gone.

[348] Sorry, you can't have another website.

[349] Well, I've had shit yanked off of YouTube that was my own work.

[350] Yeah.

[351] My own work.

[352] You know, my own clips from one of my specials I put up and it got yanked down for copyright infringement.

[353] And that's when I really felt like a little hooker.

[354] And I was like, wow, look at this.

[355] I don't even own my own jokes anymore.

[356] I can't even take a clip and say, hey, you know, this is from my last CD.

[357] Here it is.

[358] I can't let you watch that clip.

[359] It's not up to me anymore.

[360] Like, they pull it down.

[361] Like, they knew it was my fucking YouTube page, I think.

[362] Maybe.

[363] Unless they just have a bot.

[364] But that's just it.

[365] What if they start doing that?

[366] What if, you know, that's the first time, if they ever start censoring the Internet, that pretty much makes it North Korea.

[367] You know, they're pretty much controlling us like that.

[368] Not, I think we get more electricity.

[369] and you can eat things other than rice.

[370] Well, I mean, that's the first step of being like a country.

[371] Well, everything seems to be moving in that direction.

[372] Well, the real issue with this country is that people are really worried right now.

[373] And, you know, the economy in a lot of parts is based on some crazy shit that nobody understands.

[374] And when it all starts fucking falling apart, people get nutty.

[375] And if it continues to fall apart and then gets to some really chaotic state where the resources and the money and the, you know, It all doesn't match up right anymore.

[376] And the whole thing needs to be re -evaluated and it causes a massive, massive state of turmoil.

[377] People are going to want to be able to control people.

[378] And that's what's going on right now.

[379] As the shit was when everything was great, you know, in the 90s when Clinton was in office and the economy was booming, you know, you never worried about the military on your streets.

[380] That wouldn't even come into your head.

[381] You'd be like, what?

[382] Who the fuck is going to have tank?

[383] No, no, no, no. People are generally good in this country.

[384] You know, before that Timothy McVay thing happened, everybody was like, what, an American terrorist killing Americans?

[385] Really?

[386] No, this is generally a pretty prosperous nation.

[387] Things are generally going well for us.

[388] But I think in this day and age, man, in this day and age, the more people lose faith in the honesty of their representatives, the more people lose faith in the way the system is set up, the more it's likely there's going to be some sort of unrest.

[389] and the fact that that's coinciding with all these new laws and new bills that are being passed that are completely unconstitutional, that are completely against what this whole country is supposed to be started from.

[390] It's such a mad dash for power and so obvious.

[391] The ones in charge are willing to really pervert the Constitution to bend to their current will because they're worried about losing power.

[392] because it seems like people are just lining up in the streets hundreds of thousands at a time and when that doesn't get resolved it has to end somehow how's it going to end how's it going to end they're going to keep piling out to the streets and what well we've got to figure out a way to bring tanks into the equation you know we got to figure out a way to bring helicopters and tear gas and fucking sound machines that make it impossible for you to breathe yeah we've got to do some some crazy shit that really should be terrorist shit and this is how every country it's losing power ultimately gets nobody ever just gives up power nobody ever goes all right you guys are listening you're making some really good points i've been a really shitty representative and i know i got cited for 40 different house at house ethics violations and i want to be the king come on come on guys i know i fucked up no those those conversations never take place because everybody who wants to run things is absolutely confident they should be the one running it and everybody that's running it is absolutely confident that they should be the one who continues to run it and they don't want to give up that fucking throne.

[393] They don't want to give it up.

[394] And they're willing to pervert the very foundation of what this country is supposed to be all about.

[395] Liberty and justice for all.

[396] And Benjamin Franklin said it best.

[397] He who would give up liberty for security deserves neither.

[398] And that's where we're at.

[399] We're at a terrible, terrible point where the system is inadequate for the information that's available.

[400] People are too smart now.

[401] The world is aware.

[402] You can't have your crazy lobbyist special interest group set up.

[403] It's nonsense.

[404] It's crazy.

[405] And it seems like some people are bribing you to do some shit the rest of us don't want to do.

[406] Well, guess what?

[407] Now, because we have this thing called the internet, the rest of us get to let you know exactly how you feel.

[408] We get to say exactly how we feel for the first time in human history.

[409] And we don't like this.

[410] And that's why there's hundreds of thousands of people in the streets.

[411] It doesn't have to be for one specific reason that you can nail down in an intellectual debate with, you know, some fucking guy on C -SPAN.

[412] It doesn't have to be that.

[413] It is an obvious sentiment that is the, it's the, the nature of the being is revolting.

[414] It's like something fighting cancer.

[415] Those people are like white blood cells.

[416] They don't know what the fuck they're doing, but they know they're supposed to gather where this part is sick.

[417] Amen.

[418] That's what's going on, man. Salute.

[419] Cheers.

[420] The armouse.

[421] How badass is Rhonda Rousey, huh?

[422] Yeah.

[423] Cool chick.

[424] I fell in love.

[425] I know you did.

[426] I saw you fade.

[427] I saw you fade into Love'sville.

[428] Well, you know, it's weird being around a girl like that.

[429] You're very, I got very intimidated.

[430] That girl would fuck you up, man. I know.

[431] I got intimidated.

[432] Like, I didn't want to.

[433] She might be able to tap me, man. I'm scared.

[434] I wouldn't want to roll with her.

[435] Right.

[436] I hated if Rhonda Rousey tapped me. Most girls I meet, though, like if, like, that come to a podcast or if I meet in person, And like, even if I don't know them well, if I, like, hung out with them for like five or ten minutes, I'd be like, I could sing and give him a hug.

[437] Right.

[438] Like, I don't know why I automatically go for a hug when it comes to girls.

[439] Yeah, we all do it.

[440] It's a friendliness.

[441] But with her, I was like, well, here you go.

[442] And I put out my hand.

[443] And she goes, you can have a hug.

[444] Come on.

[445] Yeah.

[446] You didn't want her to get those double underhooks.

[447] That's instinctual.

[448] You didn't want her to fucking harry goshi your ass.

[449] That was cool with all the different terms.

[450] I knew Yuchimata and Harrogoshi and I often used them wrong.

[451] You know, and she seemed like she was just like a cool.

[452] super check almost you know you know what she is man she's like a winner you know and winters come in all sorts of weird different forms but they're always they always have one thing they have in common they're always exceptional and it's in some way shape or form she's got an exceptional brain you know like you know this girl's only 24 years old man you know she could totally hang in any sort of conversation yeah she says like a lot so what so do you you know people say like a lot sometimes you know it's it's a version of uh you know i understand and people got upset about that like Dude, like it really word, but yeah, but what did she say, though?

[453] What was what she was saying?

[454] She said some pretty cool fucking interesting shit, you know, can you imagine growing up a pretty girl doing judo, traveling around the world with your badass judo mom, who was a fucking, you know, who was going to college while she was raising you and competing on the Olympic judo team and fucking people up, the first person ever to win a gold medal from the United States for judo?

[455] It would be like dating a superhero.

[456] The closest you can get to dating a superhero.

[457] It's terrifying for you.

[458] Yeah.

[459] That would be a total role.

[460] reversal from damage girls do you think you could go from a girl who's like sort of a shy demure girl to a girl that could just fucking hip -tossed dudes on their heads do you think you can handle that I don't know because they probably have their own kind of reason why that they you know it's like a stripper or like a comedic comic you know they all have their reason to why they want to be an ass kicker you know or why they're right I think she she most certainly was influenced by her mother I mean her mother was a fucking super badass Who is it?

[461] Who is it?

[462] Doug Benson and Ari Sheffer Welcome gentlemen We're in the middle of our second anniversary podcast This is NASA I work for NASA Not really, don't sue me Have a seat, boys This is our second anniversary podcast What's up?

[463] Dougie Pooze Two years ago What up buddy?

[464] How are you my brother?

[465] I don't know This is the full fucking podcast network Of friends here folks Everybody's got a podcast If you don't know, Doug Benson has Doug loves movies, a fucking awesome podcast that I was on many years before I ever even started my podcast.

[466] And Doug's the shit, as always.

[467] And of course, Ari Shafir has a podcast, too.

[468] Ari Shafir is the skeptic tank, and you can get all that shit on iTunes for freezes, except sometimes Doug Benson gets crazy greedy and wants like a dollar.

[469] And dudes want to rape your mother for that.

[470] Give me $2 .00.

[471] I want your $2.

[472] Is that what you're asked for?

[473] $1 .99.

[474] Do you feel bad now that you found out of the Louis C .K. sold this whole special for $5 bucks?

[475] Because that's a fucking goddamn bargain.

[476] He made a lot of money.

[477] And then he's so smart with the whole, and I'm giving this much of it back to charity.

[478] Like, everybody just loves him.

[479] He's awesome.

[480] That's a lot of money back to charity.

[481] He couldn't be a cooler human being.

[482] Yeah.

[483] That's also such a windfall that he wasn't necessarily expecting.

[484] I mean, the man already has a TV show and sold out concert tours.

[485] A million bucks in 10 days.

[486] That was just like an extra little.

[487] I love how he's being.

[488] so open about all the numbers, I don't tell people shit.

[489] Yeah, he's being crazy open with the numbers, but he's just that's his whole thing.

[490] It's just how honesty is in every aspect of his everything.

[491] No, he's awesome.

[492] He's a, he's an inspirational guy.

[493] I'm really glad he's around.

[494] 200 ,000 people got that in 10 days.

[495] Yeah, in just 10 days.

[496] And by the way, that fucking thing's going to sell for years.

[497] That could be something he could like live in some castle in the fucking, in an island.

[498] He's going to sell the commercial HBO at the end of it too, I'm sure.

[499] You think so?

[500] Yeah, put it out to everybody else.

[501] Maybe.

[502] Yeah, why not?

[503] As long as it's still available.

[504] He used to buy HBO specials.

[505] Or he might not do shit and just keep it on that website forever, and that's the only place to get it from ever.

[506] It's him.

[507] Well, you know, my TV is now linked up to the internet.

[508] This is the first TV that I've ever had.

[509] It's linked up to the internet.

[510] I fucking love it.

[511] I got Apple TV.

[512] You know what it is?

[513] Yeah, I only watch Hulu now and Netflix.

[514] And I'm like about to cancel cable.

[515] If Hulu can get local channels, then I'm done.

[516] I don't need any more cable TV.

[517] Does Hulu have network shows?

[518] They have network shows They don't have them all But guess what?

[519] Just like Netflix I'll take whatever I can get No no like if Netflix has something No I don't give a shit about torrents anymore I'm doing it legally now Like I'm like looking at Netflix and going All right This documentary actually seems interesting I'll watch it You know but before it was just I only watched Family Guy Doesn't Hulu Doesn't Hulu only have like last four episodes of certain shows They have full seasons of shows Dude I fucking love I want to try to Battlestar Galatic on there And they were like now We got like three episodes of season Did you go to iTunes?

[520] No, Lulu.

[521] Did you go Netflix after that?

[522] Apple TV.

[523] Apple TV is this little tiny thing.

[524] It's only like 100 bucks.

[525] Whatever it is.

[526] It's the shit.

[527] It's one of the best little inventions.

[528] It has so many documentaries on it too.

[529] Like amazing documentaries.

[530] Oh, really?

[531] Even Jen's Pulvers Driven was on that.

[532] A really kind of obscure documentary.

[533] A real low -budget documentary about former UFC lightweight champion, Jens Pover, a bad one.

[534] And that's what?

[535] Netflix?

[536] No, yeah, Apple TV.

[537] It's fucking amazing.

[538] Doug, I've watched Super High Me probably six times on Netflix because that's an easy like background movie like if I'm hanging out smoking smoking weed.

[539] What a compliment.

[540] No, no, seriously.

[541] How many times have you watched it, Doug?

[542] But do you get paid every time somebody watches it on Netflix or do you even know?

[543] No. No, the accounting on that movie has become extremely fuzzy and there's potential litigation.

[544] Well, that was what Louis C .K. was frustrated by.

[545] Louis C .K. said that he never saw any sort of rewards check what's the word not rewards residuals never saw any residuals never saw any any any payments from what and you know they're continuing to his see his DVDs they're creating all these revenue streams for this product and then they just do some fancy numbers they just do some tricky math where they just explained to you oh we didn't you know we spent so much on production yeah like you only get a percentage of the profits and it's just a it's just a ridiculous percentage And in the case of Superhimey, it got sold.

[546] One distributor sold it to another.

[547] So then now there's a, well, then who's supposed to pay us?

[548] You know, like, how are we supposed to get money from every time somebody watches it or whatever?

[549] And the G4 network plays the shit out of it.

[550] Yeah.

[551] And they play it constantly.

[552] And yeah, I don't see any money for that.

[553] It's good exposure.

[554] What I really love what Louis did.

[555] Louis really set the price too.

[556] Five bucks.

[557] Can't charge more than that.

[558] You can't charge more.

[559] I mentioned other people.

[560] They're like, we should all do that.

[561] Charge 20 bucks for.

[562] totally makes some money.

[563] I'm like, nope.

[564] He's charging five.

[565] Yeah, you'd move a few.

[566] You'd move some, you know?

[567] Like, that's the thing.

[568] Like, my $2 podcast, like, they sell, but it's not like, I don't know, making millions like that.

[569] Pull those down, Doug Benson.

[570] Be free.

[571] Let the internet enjoy freedom.

[572] Do whatever you want to do.

[573] Hey, get so much.

[574] You're thinking about selling his podcast.

[575] I got so much freezes and early.

[576] But no advert, no advertising.

[577] You have sponsors?

[578] Who's your sponsor?

[579] Like everybody else, adult companies.

[580] Adam and Eve .com.

[581] Oh, that's cool.

[582] So when did they start sponsoring you?

[583] Last week.

[584] Powerful.

[585] You have to do your own accounting?

[586] You're going to go to jail.

[587] You can not pay your taxes.

[588] You're going to go right to the pocket.

[589] Oh, yeah.

[590] I usually pay them.

[591] Usually?

[592] That's smart.

[593] I can see R. You should feel like having a fucking stack of bills like sitting in the corner that you're supposed to like go through.

[594] Oh, I definitely have that.

[595] I pay late fees.

[596] But the taxes is optional, right?

[597] It's like some years you don't get around to it.

[598] It's cool.

[599] Powerful Burke Christi.

[600] This is our second anniversary podcast show.

[601] Yeah, this isn't.

[602] Yeah.

[603] We started late.

[604] Come sit down, brother.

[605] Come show out.

[606] Joe never stops podcasting.

[607] Joe and Brian have podcastings happening every minute of the day.

[608] We're just doing this shit all day, kid.

[609] I saw Doug at the improv last night.

[610] That's what you said.

[611] You know, like it seems like such a waste.

[612] Not to be able to fucking do something.

[613] Yeah.

[614] No, that was, you know, it was an okay time last night over there, but we didn't get to podcasts.

[615] We just stood around in the hall talking to each other.

[616] Yeah.

[617] In between ourselves.

[618] Not recording it.

[619] Yeah, not recording it.

[620] Like, why bother to have a car?

[621] conversation if it's not being podcast.

[622] Well, I'm glad you guys are all here during the second anniversary podcast because you guys are, you know, amongst my favorite podcast guest ever.

[623] Do you have a second anniversary song, Brian?

[624] Second anniversary.

[625] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[626] That sounds good.

[627] But two years ago, tomorrow, we started this fucker.

[628] Start the podcast with a laptop.

[629] And snowflakes.

[630] Now we got lasers, bitch.

[631] is this part of live streaming?

[632] Is this live streaming?

[633] Yeah, but this is Joe Rogan podcast And then we're going to do the Ice House later Yeah, it's crazy I saw Joe tweet at like 8 o 'clock Podcast is starting bitches And I was like, Brian told me 9 o 'clock Yeah It's fine.

[634] We expected everybody to show With the holiday traffic We just figured that once we would get talking Everybody just join in and just whatever It was a lot easier getting here tonight Than the night when the day When that guy went nuts on Vine with the gun Oh my God I heard that was the worst.

[635] traffic in the road and isn't that scary that just an earthquake can cause that times a million.

[636] You know, you're going to be stuck where you're at.

[637] So you better have guns and water.

[638] Like when I get Arrowhead water now, it seems like the earthquake should do way more than one gunman.

[639] Do you keep it in your car?

[640] No, no, no. You know those water dispensers?

[641] It's like seven bucks a bottle for Arrowhead water to deliver it to your house.

[642] I now get like two extra.

[643] Just in case I always have two extra.

[644] You can't leave those outside though.

[645] No, but you just Put them in a room.

[646] It's really important.

[647] They say that it actually gives you some sort of a weird poisonous form of estrogen.

[648] Some freaky.

[649] When you have bottles, like plastic bottles and they have water in them and they're sitting out in the sun.

[650] Oh, yeah.

[651] That's no good idea.

[652] Apparently there's some weird leakage that gives you some like creepy fucking hormonal thing.

[653] It's like a type of like a form of estrogen.

[654] I have a period.

[655] Totally butcher.

[656] I cry.

[657] I at movies whenever I drink warm water on a bottle that's been in my car.

[658] Everything that gives you your period.

[659] Brian that's flocking to it.

[660] Oh, I know.

[661] Flox towards soybeans and water.

[662] Eta -a -a -a -a -a -a -law.

[663] But once you have the gun, what do you care about whether or not you have water?

[664] You just go get some water from somebody when you have a gun.

[665] That's why I only think girls that are bisexual.

[666] You can't do that, man. You ruin the whole brother'ship of man thing just to get some fucking water.

[667] It should be everybody goes into cooperation mode.

[668] So why do we need guns at all then?

[669] Because there's a lot of bitches out there.

[670] Most of my men.

[671] I saw the movie.

[672] I saw the movie with John Cusack.

[673] What's the movie with John Cusack where they get them all in pods?

[674] And then they take off and they go out when the end of the world.

[675] Come on, people.

[676] I just saw this whole fucking movie.

[677] Man. That's how it ends.

[678] They leave in pods?

[679] Well, they made like these giant, like Noah's Ark type fucking metal ships.

[680] A billion euros to get all.

[681] I didn't see that one.

[682] I was done with that guy's movies when he did the day after tomorrow.

[683] They give a little subplot of the girls.

[684] has a problem pissing her pants at the very beginning and the little girl the last line of the movie is Daddy look no more pull -ups and the movie ends and I'm like are you fucking getting me What do you mean that's the it?

[685] She doesn't piss her pants anymore Oh Wow and and Bert Kreischer The movie is so dumb I never knew Sorry I was just going to say Bert Kreischer doesn't It's a man had never heard the word spoiler At the very end Right Yeah Bert Chrys Why do we have to tell the last fucking line of the movie?

[686] Now everybody's going to be looking for it.

[687] Here's the deal about that movie, though.

[688] Fuck that movie.

[689] You haven't seen it by now.

[690] It's not really a movie.

[691] Don't tell me who Kaiser -Sosier.

[692] It's not a movie.

[693] What it is is an exercise in technology.

[694] It's an exercise.

[695] Look with the crazy shit we can do.

[696] This is almost happening.

[697] I mean, at a certain point in time, it becomes like one of those rides you take it universal that are kind of like, you know, they're great for like 15 minutes because it's like, whoa, King Kong's really going to stop on us.

[698] Oh, no, he doesn't.

[699] You know?

[700] Because it's crazy, how realistic it looks.

[701] While this fucking plane is flying, there's chunks of shit falling right next to it.

[702] The runway is falling out underneath it as it takes off.

[703] Oh, yeah, everything's always, they're just two steps ahead of certain death.

[704] They went way past preposterous to the fucking ridiculous zone, to the point where it was just, you're not even making a movie stupid.

[705] They got chased by a preposterous.

[706] You know what they are?

[707] You know what they are?

[708] They're like a stripper that has tits that are this big.

[709] and doesn't know why nobody thinks she's hot.

[710] Yeah.

[711] She's got tins that are this big.

[712] 2012.

[713] Oh, that's a movie.

[714] No, the fucking special effects were so stupid and unnecessary and took away from the actual movie.

[715] Took away from any connection.

[716] You have to what's going on.

[717] It's like a girl who has unbelievable giant tits, and she doesn't understand that that's gross.

[718] You're a freak.

[719] First of all, I know they're not real.

[720] And second of all, why the fuck are they that big?

[721] Like, what kind of a crazy neurosis do you have going on in your head?

[722] and she doesn't get it.

[723] It's like that mom from that MTV show made, and it's like, I just want my mom to be normal.

[724] That's the whole thing.

[725] And the mom's tits, it's my wife.

[726] Oh, gigantic.

[727] Tits are like so fucking cats.

[728] It is, like, literally preposterous.

[729] Now, do you believe in breast reduction?

[730] Yeah.

[731] Yeah, man. I dated a girl who had to have that.

[732] Yeah, really?

[733] Yeah, she had these scars around her nipple and underneath it.

[734] And what happened was she was just born with giant tits.

[735] and they were always hurting her back they would hurt her neck and she wasn't a fat girl so she had to do something about it she was just super voluptuous she was given a lot of unnecessary boners that weren't fair they weren't fair she didn't like it she didn't like all the boners plus she was beautiful she was beautiful and she had these ridiculous tits but when I got to them there had already been reduced reduced but they still I mean they can recreate yeah I mean it looks just like a breast you just have to deal with reducing looks a lot better They actually remove the nipple and then relocated.

[736] It's really kind of crazy.

[737] Really?

[738] Yeah, but to women that have giant tits, it's like a, I don't want.

[739] It's an affliction.

[740] Well, yeah, it is, man. It's your fuck, man. It really hurts, you know?

[741] She would tell me that she would, like, her back would, like, lock up and shit.

[742] You can't jog.

[743] Yeah, she had crazy neck pains.

[744] And she was, like, real athletic, too.

[745] So she really used to piss her off because she used to do a lot of different sports.

[746] And their fucking tits would hit her in the face and shit.

[747] I saw somebody walking the other day and them jiggling up so hard.

[748] And it's like, how do you love?

[749] lip with those she showed me a picture go get her man what you doing you leaving your wife out there in the wild this is Pasadena son shit gets crazy here at night she might be compliment it careful you're gonna bring her in here careful careful burr krischer all right I've never seen his wife I don't think you can't bring her into the jungle you're not supposed to be bringing wives in here that's a smart move yeah this is a dumb move would be you bring your wife in and she sits down and takes the microphone and starts talking stupid shit oh no you know what I'm saying not that not that everybody's wife talk stupid shit but let's be honest a lot of people's wives talk stupid shit right yeah every down then like Tom Sigura's wife is awesome you know right when you know the two of them together they actually enhance each of she's fucking hilarious comedian you know Christina Positsky is fuck she's really fucking funny man when I saw her at the Sam Tripley show I was like this poor girl has to go on Chipley show is hard to do it's really hard to do it's so wild all these porn stars are on stage and there was a dude that was getting whipped Whenever he's like going to do the show I'm like I'll do a character or something But I'm not doing stand up in that It's a crazy menagerie of chaos And she walked up after the guy was getting whipped And just own the place And I was like And I had been talking to her before It was the first time I had met her It was just like a half an hour before And I was like wow Tom's wife is so nice And then I knew what the fuck she was going to have to do She was going to have to go on after this guy With his pants down Getting spanked by a porn star And I was like whoa How is she gonna just You know she better on have some lame bullshit you know you know like you have that one friend who doesn't know how to they might have some good jokes but they don't know how to get going yeah yeah you get off to a bad start in one of those places like it's like running on on ice you know she just went out there she just went out there and crushed and i was like wow i went to a wrestling event in toronto and somebody had to go on like during intermission some like new comic i was like oh everybody left i stayed there just because i felt bad i wanted to give an audience oh my god it's such an impossible situation you know my dad's been married for so long and he always gives me these he always gives me these weird Christmas gifts and like all these tools from like hardware stores like he gave me a Dremel recently he gave me rope to keep in the car just in case I have to tow something and I'm thinking like you know what why does he give me all these these tools and all these fucking things and I'm thinking all these are all the same things that Dexter uses to murder his his victims I think my dad's just getting me he's like living in hell and he's just like no you can do you listen to this there's a place, there's a, there's a show called Hidden City.

[750] It's a new show on the travel channel.

[751] Yeah, yeah.

[752] Good fucking show.

[753] And one of the things they had on is the Black Dahlia murder.

[754] You know the Black Dahlia murder?

[755] Yeah.

[756] They made a movie about it.

[757] It was a woman.

[758] She was in, it was in L .A. And a surgeon had cut her open and left her there.

[759] They knew that it was a surgeon.

[760] Like the way it was done, it was like, she was expertly dissected.

[761] And it really creep people to fuck out.

[762] And they had this guy who found his father's fucking.

[763] journal when after his father died and it had all these photos of this woman in it this black dahlia woman and then it turns out that he found out that this guy his father was actually fucking this chick and then he looks at the fucking letters that this guy had sent to the police because he was like mocking them the black dahlia murderer like he found out yeah he would send things to the police things of hers that she owned the son found out that his dad who is a prominent doctor who like did a lot of like creepy shit one of the reasons why he got away with this and they didn't even chase him down as a suspect was because he did a lot of abortions and a lot of like he treated people for VD he did a lot of things for Hollywood stars and he knew some secrets and so there's too many people in power had some influence and somehow this guy slipped under the radar but his guy's son was outing him his son was saying that's my dad's handwriting and looking at these letters his dad died already?

[764] His dad was already dead His dad He knows his dad was boning her Yeah, I would I want my kids to share it too Fuck yeah you do I'd want my kids to share it too Fuck yeah you do You don't get caught You already did Jesus Christ Let it out I want everybody to know What I did But you're taking the bullet That's like paying off your dad's deaths That's information that people need to know They first of all They need to know that people Are capable of doing such shit And that someone could be Your dad and a loving father That's information You can't hold that back It's a terrifying possibility That your own father Could have cut a woman in half He kept all those pictures He must have enjoyed It was like a person to his death.

[765] He kept sending them letters and sending them like pieces, articles over clothing.

[766] Like he taunted them.

[767] I would want my son to tell.

[768] Right?

[769] You would want your son to know?

[770] To tell everybody.

[771] Yeah.

[772] Well, if you were that fucked up and off the rails, yeah.

[773] Yeah, you want it getting out.

[774] When you have no chance of getting caught, that's perfect.

[775] Not even.

[776] Why would this beautiful legacy?

[777] Is that what you're thinking?

[778] No, I don't want to ruin mine.

[779] Would you tell you?

[780] What do you have to do with it?

[781] You're the son.

[782] How did you do wrong?

[783] That's not a fucking common name.

[784] All of a sudden, it's like, Chrysar the Dahlia killers.

[785] And then I'm also Albert Kreischer.

[786] And they're like, so you did it?

[787] Well, let's start that anyway.

[788] Let's start Chrysor the killer anyway.

[789] Bert Mncia.

[790] Burtman Sia has a nice ring to it.

[791] Killing machine.

[792] What's to stop you from, like, it's not really his name.

[793] What's to stop you from making it your name?

[794] Two.

[795] Why couldn't you just call yourself Bert Micea?

[796] How fucking brilliant would that be if someone just took like the name of a famous person?

[797] Like, you know, like, my name's Joe Rock.

[798] Can anybody stop you?

[799] We'll be Goldberg.

[800] I said, fuck it.

[801] My Chris Rock's brother, no, no, no, no. But we're all related.

[802] Why didn't I come out with Bert Pitt?

[803] My name is...

[804] I was fat comic brother.

[805] So we should call themselves Carl Mencia.

[806] Because then even alphabetically, he'd always be right before him in listings of comedians.

[807] That's like Bruce Lye winning the Oscar.

[808] That's what I thought of when I did Super Jaime.

[809] that it's funny that it'll be right next to supersize me in, like, you know, listings of movies and stuff.

[810] So I still get that little extra push of, like, people are probably going to be looking up the other movie and then maybe notice mine, you know.

[811] It's like Cigura's albums, thrilled.

[812] Is it a thriller?

[813] I told him he should call it Thriller 2.

[814] I think I did.

[815] I don't know.

[816] Like this album.

[817] But you got to call it, you got to call it something like, like, something like they were, I'm trying to name.

[818] Thriller again.

[819] I've never been good at naming things, though.

[820] You're good at naming things, though.

[821] You're good at.

[822] What's your next movie?

[823] The greatest movie ever ruled?

[824] Right.

[825] Like that's...

[826] What is that about?

[827] Is anybody on the planet more connected to the weed than Doug Benson?

[828] Yeah.

[829] Good point.

[830] Me. I'm right up there with you, buddy.

[831] I got a tattooed on my body.

[832] Oh, see, that's...

[833] You've gone a step further than me. I wanted to be able to be buried in a Jewish cemetery, so I can't.

[834] I can't get a tattooed.

[835] He's not Jewish.

[836] No. He wants to.

[837] Hence the joke.

[838] What a comedy.

[839] What if he meets the right girl.

[840] whoa damn burr christer it's fun when we get him in the room turned into a dolphin you're like a you're like even if you didn't even if you weren't a hilarious comic you would just be the most fun person to be around right oh because I'm like is that why you went into stand -up because people are always having a good time when you're around I don't know I don't know you just got a great energy I think I think yeah you know what's so funny is I don't know I have no fucking idea but yeah you know why did you go to you know what let me tell you something though you got a great energy but you also have an energy that's like you're such a fucking nice guy when guys like us run India like oh somebody might take advantage of this guy I'm the first guy getting raped into prison right you know you're not just like you're not just a fun nice guy you're like you're a fucking sweetheart thanks Joe but he also says that you know he's got some pretty dark tweets which are always fun when I'm my dark tweet I never have anything dark I'm old my Christian company no man has ever earned the life of the party title you and Joey Diaz are neck and neck.

[841] Joey Diaz was a different kind of magic because he's a human cartoon.

[842] He's a human cartoon.

[843] Do you know how often I hear him in my head?

[844] He just turned him on and watch him go.

[845] He just walks in the room just owns that bitch.

[846] Dog, you ever get him, break into a girl's house and eat her pussy on the Greyloops.

[847] Lucy Snorbush.

[848] I hear that in my head all the fucking time.

[849] She woke up, what are you doing?

[850] Don't worry about it.

[851] I mean, your monkey, you're two in the morning.

[852] Come on.

[853] Why walk on ice when you can dance?

[854] There was a moment.

[855] There was a moment when he was telling that story that I've never laughed as hard in my life.

[856] Oh, no, that must have sounded horrible.

[857] He's like, don't you've never done that.

[858] And I started going, none of us have broken into girls' house on a quail -lood.

[859] None of us, I've never even had quail -ludes.

[860] I had so many great moments with him at the comedy store.

[861] You know, when I first met Brian, Joey was one of the main reasons for hiring a guy like Brian to follow us around the comedy store because you never knew when magic would just come popping out of his mouth.

[862] You know?

[863] When the egg roll would come out.

[864] You never know.

[865] He was so crazy.

[866] He was always willing to drop his pants, always pulling his dick out.

[867] I'll take my dick out in a heart.

[868] He's taken to the next level.

[869] Bert's like, like, I'm a soldier.

[870] Take my dick out like a soldier.

[871] I was doing radio in Richmond.

[872] There was this young band and they were playing like in there.

[873] Did you ever do Richmond, sludge, the morning sludge?

[874] No. And so this young man and I go, you guys ready for the road?

[875] They're all like, I didn't realize they were 14.

[876] And they're like, yeah, we're ready for the road.

[877] And I go, yeah, we're ready for the road.

[878] And they're like, what goes on the road?

[879] And I go, like, leaky submarine.

[880] Like, you ever playing that with your friends?

[881] Like, what?

[882] I go, how about this?

[883] And I just take my dance on the show there with my dick.

[884] And these guys just, they're just, they're just.

[885] I totally forget that.

[886] Listen, maybe you should be admitted to this.

[887] 10 years ago.

[888] I think there's no statute of limitations on that shit.

[889] The parents are in the waiting room.

[890] I don't have.

[891] I had not expected that to happen.

[892] What if your dad did that?

[893] Would you tell people after he died?

[894] Hey man, that was that never really happened, right?

[895] That's all a joke.

[896] It's a joke you were talking about earlier.

[897] It's really important to let everybody know.

[898] People are thinking like, did Burke Chrys should really expose himself to?

[899] No. No, it's a joke.

[900] It's just material.

[901] And they were 12?

[902] They were.

[903] literally eight like eight did you hear the fucking story in the end of a guy who shot his gun off to shoot a fucking mouse missed the mouse hit his friend in the chest the police come and find out that his other roommate had a 13 year old hiding in the closet and no one knew no one had any idea this guy snuck a 13 year old and was fucking her for months and had her hiding in the closet and he got caught because she wasn't hiding as much as being held Shot out of a mouse.

[904] She was hiding with her hands.

[905] Stop hiding, little girl.

[906] Could you imagine if you were a roommate of that guy and you had no idea?

[907] But I bet that guy, I bet that guy who got caught was like, you fucking asshole, why would you shoot a mouse?

[908] You idiot?

[909] I don't know.

[910] I bet he did.

[911] That's the thing is they believe his friends didn't know.

[912] They believed by their reaction that his friends had no idea.

[913] It was apparently, it was.

[914] was like really obvious I mean I don't know cops have a pretty good judgment when you know they're the right there the scene of a crime they've seen a million fucking guilty people today there's when when shit like that happens like did you know that guy was there and if you jump back no I didn't fucking know there's certain dudes where you know that's not that's not a even just having been a cop for a while you have that that street sense where you know what's going down yeah it's like how you can sit in an audience you can almost tell someone I mean not all of them but a lot of them though it's when you sit in an audience and you can tell someone a comic.

[915] Yeah, you can, or you can, like, I can tell you what someone does almost.

[916] I can tell you what kind of car they drive, just from having it done so much.

[917] No, I'm good.

[918] What that weed's like?

[919] I can't.

[920] I don't smoke weed.

[921] Get in there, son.

[922] Here.

[923] You shouldn't even touch it.

[924] Listen, you're smoking weed in this room whether you're like it or not.

[925] I got news for you.

[926] The ventilation is not the best.

[927] It's designed to be non -ventilated to keep the good stuff in.

[928] Wait, do you think the mouse was on the wall, or was the guy on the floor already in aiming at the house?

[929] That was on the ground.

[930] The guy shot at the ground.

[931] Look, when you're fucking shoot.

[932] was on the ground also?

[933] He just missed.

[934] He's an asshole.

[935] And somehow another a bullet ricochade or somehow hit him in the chest.

[936] I mean, maybe the fucking mouse was on a counter.

[937] Who the hell knows?

[938] But the point is he shot his roommate, went through the wall, hit his roommate in the chest.

[939] I mean, it's a scene in a fucking Cohen brothers movie.

[940] It's what it is.

[941] It's more evidence that life is fiction.

[942] I mean, just try to imagine that being a scene in a movie.

[943] A cop shows up because another guy, you would even want to, you would have to see the whole scene play out.

[944] You'd have to see the guy, go to shoot at the mouse, miss the mouse, hit his friend in the chest.

[945] cops come what the fuck is in that guy's closet and one guy slept through the whole thing one guy they woke him up they woke him up he didn't even hear he didn't hear anything until the cops were like shaking him up are you serious what who fucked who he had no idea can imagine you go to bed you're just hanging out with your bros we got a cool house together you know I don't know Tom he's kind of weird stays in his room most of the time but he's a great roommate man it's a good situation we have a nice neighborhood you know my car is safe at night I'm just gonna get some sleep and you wake up in the middle of it's the cops Listen I got news for you kid Your world has been shattered You're running as a fucking pedo And the other one shot the other one in the chest Because he was trying to hit a mouse Is that dreaming?

[946] What?

[947] Shit!

[948] I don't want to move back in with my fucking parents I'm never taking alpha brain again Yeah It does sound like a dream It sounds like a dream This guy went to bed thinking he has a great place Where he lived What was the art like on the walls of that apartment It was all deaf leopard All deaf leopards Of fucking velvet posters Yeah Yeah, all velvet and Elvis And he likes Elvis without even knowing his music You know, it's fucking Elvis is the shit, bro Elvis was number one Elvis always number one bro The suspicious minds can get me going Yeah, you know who does it better?

[949] Dwight Yolkum Dwight Yolkum, bro Dwight Yolk has got to every Dwight Yolk concert out of suspicious minds It's so good you go, damn He might have done it better than Elvis It's that fucking good If you're into that shit You gotta open up If you're not into Dwight Yokam You ain't got no soul bitch you're missing something what's the what's the little bit of country how could you do it i go merle haggard i go john i'm a big big johnny cash fan my dog's named johnny cash yeah i love johnny cash uh who just made the album with jack with jack white when ronstat oh did she really he produced it yeah then the ronsstack could sing her fucking ass off you're no good you know good you know good baby you're no good yeah is that her yeah a little bit chubby so you know she needs it right yeah No, she definitely sang that song.

[950] She sang a bunch of songs.

[951] Blue Bay You, that Blue By You song.

[952] Her fucking voice is beautiful, man. I mean, people don't give Linda Ronstadt any credit.

[953] I'm going back someday.

[954] She chubed up.

[955] Come what made to Blue Bayou.

[956] She kind of tapped out in life.

[957] She looked good when I saw on that video with Jack White.

[958] She didn't really take a lot of yoga classes and stick to that vegan diet and really try to make the most out of the body.

[959] She looks okay.

[960] She got back.

[961] She sprung back.

[962] She looks okay.

[963] I mean, she's old.

[964] She was a badass.

[965] She had one music video that I really liked.

[966] Watching because she would like jump around and dress or something Brian is a picture of her man if you could find it like one of her first albums Find it she had some picture up she's super cute I have a fucking thing for the seven she hit it like 30 I have this crazy girls I don't know been through some shit Brian's right oh yeah yeah most likely she had a lot of Linda Rodstap bitch pay attention to the show I was helping bird out with something oh yeah Bert trying to get them stuck your dick just got a situation I got to do his ass man did you have to show Brian your penis here Jesus Christ You know God, you know good.

[967] Fucking switching the camera every five seconds.

[968] Baby, you'll know.

[969] Oh, damn, her butthole's gross.

[970] The, um.

[971] That's an inside joke because of Brian's assistant.

[972] Do you know what song I was addicted to the other day?

[973] What?

[974] Every day I'm shuffling.

[975] Really?

[976] That's the fucking weak version, bro.

[977] It's hustling.

[978] But for whatever reason, they censor it.

[979] When you go to a Christian version.

[980] You're going to the Walmart version.

[981] So this whole weekend I've been singing the little stage and I've been singing the Christian version?

[982] You see this Sesame Street version of the damn shuffling?

[983] Why would you be shuffling when you could be hustling?

[984] What photo do you want?

[985] Linda Ronstadt, one of her album covers, the early album covers.

[986] Look behind you.

[987] Yeah, there you go.

[988] I'm trying to scroll as if, you know, somehow I know they have control over this.

[989] That looks like a dude with a shotgun.

[990] Look at the one where she's in the roller skates in the hallway.

[991] Oh, and that red top, that's a cute one too.

[992] Down, down, down, down.

[993] No, the down.

[994] No, they're down.

[995] The down.

[996] Click on that.

[997] That's right.

[998] That's right.

[999] That's right.

[1000] Full size, son, full size.

[1001] Full size that image.

[1002] Yeah, she's a cutie.

[1003] Look at how cute she is.

[1004] She's got a moon face.

[1005] She looks like the girl from growing pains.

[1006] She looks like Tracy Gold.

[1007] I had a crush on her too, though.

[1008] Listen, Linda Ronstad was a bad ass.

[1009] Tracy Gold.

[1010] Linda Ronstad, we're talking over each other here, people.

[1011] Linda Ronstad was a badass bitch.

[1012] You got to respect Linda Rodstead.

[1013] Brian, play some Linda Rossan.

[1014] Let's hope she'll sue us.

[1015] Just do it, bitch.

[1016] You're no good.

[1017] Look up that, get up that song, you're no good.

[1018] I think as long as we talk over, we're allowed to do this somehow or another.

[1019] Hopefully SOPA doesn't lock us up and steal our feet.

[1020] Yeah, don't take our feet, please.

[1021] What is the SOPA thing?

[1022] Do you have an opinion on this, being a man of the internet?

[1023] What is it?

[1024] Do you know it?

[1025] Stop online piracy, I do.

[1026] Isn't that soup in Spanish?

[1027] Yes, Sopa.

[1028] I'll tell a little bit about it.

[1029] It's people are pretty fired up about it.

[1030] Yeah?

[1031] Some people, yeah.

[1032] I saw it was trending today at one point.

[1033] What is it?

[1034] Well, it's stopping online piracy act, and what people are worried about is that it's going to give the government permission to shut down websites.

[1035] Oh, yeah, they try to do that.

[1036] Shut up.

[1037] Yeah, it wouldn't be a good power for them to have, but I also, something tells me that that, you know, especially in an election year, they're not going to try to, it's become such a big hot potato that I don't know how, I don't know how committed they're going to be to it anymore.

[1038] You know, as soon as they find out that it might lose the votes.

[1039] Desperado?

[1040] No, you're no good.

[1041] You're no good.

[1042] That's Desperado.

[1043] Bro, that's a fucking Eagle's song.

[1044] You don't know that song?

[1045] How dare you?

[1046] You have no knowledge of the 70s rock, do you?

[1047] You just live in.

[1048] Is Desperado Eagles or did they just cover that?

[1049] Oh, I could get into this, like drunk on a plane.

[1050] Listen to this bitch's voice.

[1051] Just stop.

[1052] You don't get that without some pain in your life.

[1053] Feeling better since I'm over you.

[1054] You guys listen to this shit.

[1055] Oh, God.

[1056] You hear that, man?

[1057] That's some righteous indignation for your ass, son.

[1058] That's a chick speaking from the fucking soul, on a stage with a microphone.

[1059] Imagine if you were the guy who fucked her over, and then you knew that this song was about you.

[1060] God damn, Linda Ronstadt just fucking iced you out in front of the country.

[1061] Especially if she was a gentleman.

[1062] Are you playing this video?

[1063] I want to hear her singing.

[1064] What?

[1065] Are you playing this video?

[1066] I want to hear her singing.

[1067] No, it's just a song.

[1068] Oh, you did not play.

[1069] I like watching the old ladies sing.

[1070] And it does.

[1071] Shut a beautiful voice.

[1072] Did you just speed it up?

[1073] No. You're stoned.

[1074] Brian, did you speed it up?

[1075] It's been spit up the whole time.

[1076] What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

[1077] Just play the real song.

[1078] That's so stupid.

[1079] That was like a faster version.

[1080] I thought her voice is a little more chip monkey.

[1081] When we want to talk about something, don't do that.

[1082] That's stupid.

[1083] No, there was an effect on.

[1084] You fucking.

[1085] Yeah, you fucked up the whole thing.

[1086] I just realized.

[1087] Let this, listen to this.

[1088] Thank you.

[1089] Oh, wow.

[1090] Now she looks out like a woman, asshole.

[1091] That's such an asshole thing you do.

[1092] What are you talking about?

[1093] Listen to this.

[1094] This is a real voice.

[1095] Yeah, it sounds more like a woman now.

[1096] I thought it was just a shitty recording.

[1097] She sounded like Susanna Hoffs.

[1098] Go change your tampon.

[1099] You made her sound like Susanna Hoffs in that in that town.

[1100] She had a really high voice.

[1101] Santa more, yeah, Chipmokey.

[1102] Still was good.

[1103] How about that?

[1104] Still.

[1105] Still.

[1106] Still was good.

[1107] Still better than most shit.

[1108] Still listen to this.

[1109] Even Brian Red Band can't ruin it Yeah, look at this Backgrounds like before There's like something about chicks That have that kind of power in their voice It's really scary It's intimidating, man Yeah, but the wheels come off And they're 40 Fuck yeah, they do Hardcore Into the hoods You ever seen Hart lately?

[1110] Well, listen, dude, they're in their 50s Yeah, are they still going?

[1111] Man, I can listen to that song That's what's that song?

[1112] They need a CGI -a -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -a -da -da -a -da -da -a - Yeah They need the CGI those bitches.

[1113] They need to do like they do that Japanese band.

[1114] What's it got?

[1115] One of those girls got fat.

[1116] She didn't matter.

[1117] She still built it out.

[1118] The Wilson sisters.

[1119] Yeah.

[1120] Nancy's still at it.

[1121] That's hard.

[1122] She's married to Cameron Crow.

[1123] Yeah.

[1124] What?

[1125] She's the pretty one.

[1126] She's the thin one, right?

[1127] And then there's the other one.

[1128] They both had their moments, I thought.

[1129] I thought they were both when Hart was going, they were like, they wore really flowy clothes, but they were They did a lot of kicking, you know, a lot of, you know, a lot of, you know, high kicks when there's belt and out listen to this and shit let her sing it let us say it can you imagine if that was you she was singing about god damn everybody would be on her side she sings too good I keep thinking that the guy sitting next to you as you're hearing this for the first time and goes hit you and like dude it's a good song huh you're like fuck not for me Linda Ronstat had it whatever the fuck it was listen to this is that an effect why do you have to do that just let it in man Somebody suggested to me on Twitter today that we, instead of a drinking game, we do a smoking game and you have to take a bong rep every time Brian Redband says something stupid.

[1130] I don't want to die.

[1131] I don't want to be the first guy to die from marijuana.

[1132] I don't have that kind of lung capacity.

[1133] I don't want to be the first dude.

[1134] I told that Twitter early was rude, Brian.

[1135] It was a rude thing for him to say.

[1136] We ruin the cause.

[1137] You know what happened to me?

[1138] I got a fake Doug Benson that I've been talking to.

[1139] Yeah, the underscored.

[1140] This is dumb.

[1141] Underscore Doug.

[1142] Hey, buddy, don't do that.

[1143] Why don't you just change your name to Doug Benson fan that would be totally cool but right now you're confusing he still just retweets everything I write it's the weirdest thing he loves you he loves you anyone that's following him is following you too it's a good thing man he loves you he ain't a bad guy he loves you but it's confusing sir please change your name change your name on the honor system I think it's fair that Doug Benson should tell you and you should respond to this right so you know the guy listens to this stuff of course listens to everything you do right every movie's sold out this guy's got a Google chip in your underwear and he's following you on town he's on a bike he's on a bike he's on a bike with a GPS thing following you he trolled me because he thought I thought he was asking I thought you were asking me to be on your podcast in like a joke and I go oh yeah sure and then you replied something like sounds great bert I don't can't DM you give me your number no for a while now my no no no I did say give me your number but I was joking it was a joke It was me joking, but that guy retweeted it.

[1144] And then I replied, I've fallen for that too many times.

[1145] I'll just keep my address.

[1146] Yeah, and he gave me a fake address.

[1147] So that was a funny reply.

[1148] But the thing that cracked me up about you is for months now, every time you mentioned me on Twitter, I always click on your thing to send you a direct message to say, hey, let's trade numbers or email or something.

[1149] And you don't follow me. I do follow you.

[1150] No, I've been following that guy.

[1151] I've been following that guy.

[1152] That guy hasn't been around that long.

[1153] I'm talking about for months now You haven't been a follower Oh man Twitter random unfollows me No I don't blame you I don't care I'm just saying I'm just saying it took this exchange Before you clicked on follow Arii said it doesn't follow nobody What are you lying about bitch?

[1154] Because of this reason This reason I don't want to get into stupid fights like this Let me tell you this Let me tell you this I don't think we're gonna fight You guys first of all A this is not a fight But yes it is a common thing That people get upset When people are not following them Me I let it go but Doug Benson if you want to get all agro No I just want to go after Byrd for not following you I'm just lazy And I wanted to get in touch with him So it's funny every time I click on it It's just funny when somebody mentions you Generally when you click on it You can write back to them You know because they're following you That's why they're talking about you Yeah like they're not typing at and your name Unless they're not you know Yeah unless they're trying to get your attention Yeah I got a lot of people that just write my name And something shitty and then I I can't write back to them Because they're not even following me in the first place But that's you know My Twitter or randomly unfollow people.

[1155] Yeah, it unfolds me. It does that.

[1156] Because I did follow you for a long time because you're the one that got me on to, you don't, you just DM people.

[1157] You don't reply.

[1158] I don't reply to, I don't reply in front of everybody because I think that's boring.

[1159] It's so smart.

[1160] Some people are weird, man. They want to have like conversations out in the public.

[1161] Hey, man, how's everything?

[1162] They're trying to drag you out into like involving them in front of everybody.

[1163] Yeah.

[1164] You know, and it's, yeah, instead of it being a natural conversation.

[1165] I'm happy to engage in natural, If I have the time, like if I'm somewhere, I'm a doctor's officer or something, I've got 10 minutes to kill.

[1166] I'll hop on Twitter and answer questions, read everything and just answer questions.

[1167] But, you know, it's got to be on my convenience.

[1168] I got to be able to do it whenever I want to do it.

[1169] Yeah, and you retweet the question and your answer so that the people get the whole story.

[1170] I just don't still get that people just write to other people back and, yeah, they're right back and forth.

[1171] It's like, why is it, you should be, whatever you're doing on Twitter, you should want people to read because it's going to be interesting.

[1172] Not something, not something that's just white noise or confusing.

[1173] Doug.

[1174] You don't see those.

[1175] Like if you click on something and that it was, if it was properly tweeted, it will show up on most applications and in the website as a timeline.

[1176] So you don't have to retweet it if you click on it right and retweet that thread.

[1177] Yeah, if you're just replying, nobody else sees it.

[1178] Right, right.

[1179] But if somebody does that, yeah.

[1180] Yeah, but most people do that, don't they?

[1181] No, you give people that extra level of research, they're not going to do it.

[1182] I mean, as it is, you'll find most people writing to you on Twitter, they just signed up.

[1183] They just heard about it through you or however.

[1184] And so they're, they're, like, testing the waters, and they're like, they'll say something to you.

[1185] And their avatar is always an egg, you know, because they haven't even figured out how to do that.

[1186] And so at first, everyone's really confused.

[1187] So, like, whenever I DM somebody, the immediately I get back, hey, man, I can't write back.

[1188] It won't let me write back to you, is the phrase people use.

[1189] It won't let me. And I always write back, you know, the system works.

[1190] That's, like, how it's supposed to be.

[1191] I'm happy to say something back to you, but I can't follow everybody.

[1192] Can you imagine following everybody?

[1193] Direct messages direct to your phone?

[1194] You do.

[1195] Oh, you're ridiculous.

[1196] That's ridiculous.

[1197] I don't do that.

[1198] But that's because all the people I follow, I want to know when they say something about me. 420 people?

[1199] You want to know when they say anything about you?

[1200] Jesus Christ.

[1201] Or, you know, whenever they're like trying to say something to me. Oh, any direct message.

[1202] Direct message.

[1203] But it's not.

[1204] You don't have it go off in your phone every time there's a tweet to your name, do you?

[1205] No, I do.

[1206] No. But if someone I'm following tweets my name for some reason, and it comes up.

[1207] And that's usually saying something to me that I would like to respond to.

[1208] So even if they say it out in the public stratosphere, not even a direct message, just in the public, if they say your name, it comes to your phone.

[1209] So that's 420 people that text you every day.

[1210] No, they don't.

[1211] Because a lot of people just attack it.

[1212] A lot of people chill.

[1213] That's a great way to do it, I guess, right?

[1214] If you want to give them ultimate access to you, that's the smart way to do it.

[1215] That just made sense, Doug, because that does my phone does the same thing now that I realize that.

[1216] It's only the people I follow that they're at.

[1217] Like today, Mark Maren wrote, I'm on Doug Benson's, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it came up on my phone, and I like to know that.

[1218] I like to know that Mark was nice enough to give it a plug and what he said about it.

[1219] All of this just to name drop Mark Merritt.

[1220] Did that tweet end with a sigh?

[1221] He's trying to be a nice guy.

[1222] He's a nice guy.

[1223] He's trying to be a nice guy.

[1224] He is.

[1225] He has his moment.

[1226] Yeah, and if you look at it in the right way, it's engaging watching him try to be a nice guy.

[1227] Because, like, he was on a show with some friends of mine.

[1228] And, you know, he's fun to.

[1229] you know like he's always wearing something like a hat or something that is easy to make a visual joke about that makes him he flips out even more than most people because he's so neurotic he's so neurotic that like he's he's so thin skin that it's hilarious to watch him he explodes in a humorous way you know he's really likes a lot he's funny he's funny when he's doing it but it's yeah you got to understand his thing you know it's all it is he is a good guy he just got to understand his thing and his thing he just tends to go to the negative yeah and he's he's he'll be my podcast I asked him what he had to do and he was like, come over, what are you doing?

[1230] I'll show you everything.

[1231] He's not a bad guy, man. He's just struggle.

[1232] He's in a constant struggle with himself.

[1233] But he's not a bad person.

[1234] He's just, he's just, he's just, he's just a, he's a fucking artist, man. You know, when you're an artist, there's a lot of us are weird, you know.

[1235] That's just something we have to accept.

[1236] And all the cool people that I know are in one way or another weird, you know.

[1237] Jason Gillard is weird.

[1238] He learned is in the house, powerful.

[1239] Is this weird as it gets right here?

[1240] We just happen to be talking about weird people.

[1241] Look who fucking shows up.

[1242] Perfect timing, weirdo.

[1243] Is the Mark Maren drinking game to listen to the podcast, and every time there's a sniffle you drink?

[1244] Does he sniffle a lot?

[1245] Yeah, but you drink coffee, you don't drink.

[1246] Yeah, nobody looks at those drinking games.

[1247] Yeah.

[1248] They're all winners.

[1249] I said, I'm happy to see that guy doing good, though.

[1250] You know, I always thought he's a talented comedian, and, you know, it's whatever had held him back for however long, you know, before he got really recognition for, like, what he's capable of.

[1251] But as, like, an interviewer, he's excellent, you know, he's great.

[1252] Even if he goes a tad towards the negative, I think that he'd get stuff out of you, you know, like people, like I did not mind my conversation that I had with him was really open and I tried to be as honest as possible.

[1253] And people say, oh, I was trying to get you.

[1254] And I said, I don't think so.

[1255] I think he just wanted all the information.

[1256] He wants to be an interesting interviewer.

[1257] He wants to make the whole thing interesting to listen to.

[1258] Yeah, to get all, if you really want to do that, if you want to get all the information at the expense of, you know, person's feelings or that is the way to do it.

[1259] It's the only way to do it.

[1260] And you have to be open to that if you're willing to sit down and talk to a guy like that.

[1261] And that's supposed to be that way.

[1262] It's a good thing.

[1263] It's a good thing.

[1264] You know, whatever it confronts for you, it's probably good.

[1265] You know, I mean, it's not dishonest about it.

[1266] It's, you know, when he's confronting you or communicating about something, he's most certainly doing it out of an intellectual point of view.

[1267] He's thought about it.

[1268] He's dissected it.

[1269] And this is what he is coming up on.

[1270] But a lot of times, whatever your thing is that makes you you, is also the thing that fucks you up.

[1271] I think.

[1272] A lot of people, yeah.

[1273] Because I'm really, I'm really.

[1274] For a lot of artists.

[1275] I'm really honest and always try to be friendly if I see someone.

[1276] Like, and I, and I, and I, and I, even if I don't know them, if I do them, like, like, I didn't barely know Doug at all.

[1277] And one day he was getting high outside my daughter's school.

[1278] And I was like, swear to God.

[1279] I wasn't getting high out there.

[1280] You were, I just swear to God.

[1281] What were you doing?

[1282] I was, I was going back to my car from the, from the gym right there.

[1283] I go to Gold's gym.

[1284] Okay.

[1285] You looked like you were getting high.

[1286] But I went up, I went up, and I totally approached him in like this, like, like, like, almost, it's like a fan like hey Doug uh just want to say you know all this things and then so often that that view is taken as oh he's weak like no one respects like i'm just trying to be very honest in the moment well let me be honest man because when i first had gotten in contact with you was through twitter and i didn't i didn't know anything about you other than that jay more story that's why i kept hearing from people but just by following you on twitter and they communicate with you on twitter i was like look how nice this fucking guy is there's like certain things that come through like in text where you can tell you know and then when we had you on the podcast it was like boom you are like exactly how you're right you're just a you're a great guy but because you're such a warm guy people who have deep set insecurities will try to pray on that yeah and that's where a guy like you has to be careful because you really are like the life of the party but you need to be around a bunch of people who are like your bros who are gonna fuck yeah i'm so sad that i said that bros but I meant it in the right way.

[1287] I met it in the correct context.

[1288] It was just really the incorrect word.

[1289] I stumbled there.

[1290] I apologized profusely.

[1291] If I was writing, if I was writing, yeah, comrades is excellent.

[1292] I was writing.

[1293] I would hit backspace and go, bro, it's the fuck, idiot.

[1294] I would step away from the computer right now and like rub my hands together and then I'd reengage because that was the...

[1295] No, I totally know what you're saying.

[1296] But you know what I'm saying?

[1297] You're one of those guys.

[1298] You're the life of the party guy.

[1299] To borrow a phrase from Brody Stevens.

[1300] Positive energy.

[1301] What the fuck it's going on?

[1302] You're on the wrong side of that thing.

[1303] The microphone is actually in the other side.

[1304] purple tape side yeah that's purple tape that's it right there if you don't it's so ridiculous but if you don't talk in that thing you're in the distance yeah yeah the thing's broken we had this porn star in there and she broke the mic I think she stuffed it up her ass there we're ruined everything what do you think of this bam bitches I feel like I'm eating corn on the cob now yeah it's yellow it looks like a like a kill shot it looks like a like one of those hot dogs in a little croissant what is that pig in the blanket yeah so what I think it's a pig in the blanket yeah so what I think it's a pig set off Mike was that to borrow a phrase from Brody Stevens, Burt Kreischer is positive positive energy.

[1305] Yeah, yeah.

[1306] But your problem is you're so positive that I feel like I have to look out for you.

[1307] Thank you, Joe.

[1308] I do.

[1309] I went to the company.

[1310] I mean, I don't feel like you need it.

[1311] I know you don't need it.

[1312] You're a grown man. You're a fucking grown man. A husband.

[1313] No, you're not.

[1314] I'm not a regular mess.

[1315] Like every one of this table is a mess.

[1316] You just need to be protected.

[1317] But you're that guy.

[1318] I need to be the right cult.

[1319] I need to be the right cult.

[1320] I get totally good.

[1321] We're going to take you in.

[1322] We're going to bring you in.

[1323] If you start a cult, I'm fucking we're in we already have it's called the death squad you're a part of it so we all let's stop playing oh death squad's a cult totally do I'm in well then where's my drink let's get out it's like branded it's a super positive cult do whatever you want to do we're not controlling you guys let's take it to the next level and brand each other tonight I'll do it I'm in I'm in it's all about impulse show sure Burr crusher was seconds away from drinking his own piss at my house I swear to God I would have I had him we would have done it I'm drinking my piss okay I'm just saying I've already done it I saw you do it I know so much more about you guys Do you just, what, sorry?

[1324] Go, I was going to say that, Doug, go ahead, Doug.

[1325] No, you said it.

[1326] I was going to ask Joe if he ever just reaches in, like, I'll be one of these bugs.

[1327] Like what, you know, have you ever done that?

[1328] All of a sudden, Doug Benson becomes some guy that I meet at Fridays in Oklahoma.

[1329] Hey, man, I just got to ask you something.

[1330] You ever just reach in and grab one of those bugs?

[1331] Doug Benson, you ever do that guy?

[1332] You ever do that, though?

[1333] How long you've been working as a manager at Fridays?

[1334] Years.

[1335] I should probably answer that.

[1336] Wow, it's crazy.

[1337] It's a crazy question.

[1338] I have to think about that.

[1339] Come back to you.

[1340] I'm going to write something down.

[1341] No, but you've done like, I just let this go off the top of my head.

[1342] I want to really consider it.

[1343] You've done like you've tried some of the stunt things they have to do, right?

[1344] I've only caught me eat a few things.

[1345] I've only eaten like some spider.

[1346] I've eaten in a spider or roach.

[1347] Most of it's nothing.

[1348] Most of it's completely in your head.

[1349] Like on E. this kid named Michael Yo.

[1350] Michael Yo was on the, he's on the E. channel brand the e channel drink everybody entertainment um he uh he's uh Michael yo was on the first season of Fear Factor I think he was on the very first episode of Fear Factor and now he's like one of these on TV guys and so he came and we came to the show to film some stuff like hey this is where you started out this is your first time on TV and we ate these spiders together and I ate this cave dwelling spider it looked horrific but it was like nothing yeah we can we fucking nice guy really nice guy fun guy he's a big time radio DJ in Miami.

[1351] He does like really well on the radio and he actually does it like he goes to Miami and also does it from L .A. as well.

[1352] I think you know he does it somehow or another like records segments.

[1353] It's a great guy though.

[1354] I have a fear factor question.

[1355] When am I going to see that girl crying with the other person shaving her head?

[1356] That's coming up.

[1357] I don't know what that's a two hour episode and when you tell you something man that's some of the deepest shit you're ever going to see on TV.

[1358] That is fascinating.

[1359] Water cooler conversation.

[1360] I don't want to tell I don't want to say anything until it's but god damn that that chick was badass and i'll tell you what man she looked better she looked better after she shaved her head i don't want to say anything more than this but this is this is an amazing episode i have a fear factor question uh that that that that video that you showed us that we can't talk about uh no but is there any updates it's that's on the schedule as far as we know question episode definitely be the last episode uh what was she wearing and who designed it do you get personally disappointed when the team of Hot Girls is the first team eliminated.

[1361] No. Sometimes it's better.

[1362] I don't want to stare at it.

[1363] Just get out of here.

[1364] Cut, Joe.

[1365] Look up.

[1366] The sad shots they do of the contestants walking away when they've been eliminated.

[1367] It's so funny.

[1368] I know it is kind of funny.

[1369] It's kind of ridiculous.

[1370] Burt Kreischer will be back in two seconds, everybody.

[1371] Powerful Bert Kreiser.

[1372] In the meantime, let's get to know Jason Galer.

[1373] Do you have any music?

[1374] Do you play in the background?

[1375] It's about applause or something.

[1376] I actually.

[1377] Cued up.

[1378] Hold on please.

[1379] Sir, we'll introduce you on our own time, sir.

[1380] Thank you.

[1381] Welcome to the podcast.

[1382] Listen to these guys.

[1383] First time on, they want to just take control.

[1384] Start talking when they want to talk.

[1385] You're going to feel really bad when I give you a gift, Joe.

[1386] I don't ever feel bad.

[1387] I'll give me gifts.

[1388] That's part of what makes me happy.

[1389] There's keys for him?

[1390] Whatever you choose to do, I do not feel bad for ever.

[1391] This is intro music for another guest?

[1392] You can choose to give me all the money in the world, then I'm going to go, oopsies.

[1393] I'm not going to feel bad.

[1394] I'm going to say, well, I've got to give some of it to other people.

[1395] I've been waiting for Glearn to get on this podcast for the longest time.

[1396] I love this guy so much.

[1397] You want to kiss him right now?

[1398] Let's do this, Brian.

[1399] Let's bring in the new year the right way.

[1400] Come on, boy.

[1401] Gay cult.

[1402] Get up.

[1403] Let everybody know.

[1404] Let everybody show you your love.

[1405] Cung, Brian.

[1406] Don't be scared.

[1407] A man. It's just like holding hands.

[1408] If you can hold his hand, you can tongue him.

[1409] Get in there, boy.

[1410] He is hilarious.

[1411] and are you allowed to talk about what you do for a living?

[1412] Yeah, I mean, if I get shit can, can I be like a fucking page on your show?

[1413] Because, you know, with the internet.

[1414] We're going to have to talk.

[1415] What is the issue?

[1416] Is there an issue in hand?

[1417] Is there a problem?

[1418] No, it's like there's no issue, but I teach high school.

[1419] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[1420] Stop the presses.

[1421] Stop the press.

[1422] Yeah, so it's like with.

[1423] Let's get all our.

[1424] Facebook.

[1425] Generals over here.

[1426] Let's pull aside.

[1427] Does anybody know anything about the law?

[1428] Here's what I think Call Joe Diaz I think I think it could be easily discharged For anything that he says A thousand percent Do you use your real name Yeah absolutely Oh okay We got a problem Yeah Yeah you can't talk All right Well that's why like even on the Twitter stuff Hello love how are you I won't say I won't say that I teach On Twitter Or whatever Oh Oh They just got And then what happened I thought we got Hi how are you What's going on They just, uh...

[1429] Yo, bear.

[1430] The, um, we just, uh, the entire cult of Krecher just entered the building.

[1431] They're big fans of, uh, they have back problems.

[1432] They have back problems?

[1433] Are they going to go to the, but?

[1434] Oh, I think.

[1435] They have glaucoma.

[1436] Because they're going to the comedy show, right?

[1437] So I knew that was happening.

[1438] So they're taking a nice break.

[1439] Go give them this and it's really good for glaucoma.

[1440] Okay.

[1441] Hey, so I think I've come up with a solution for Jason.

[1442] Uh, I, I, I think, I think, I think, You just need to draw pictures of what you're thinking of for the whole time Because I don't think you can get sued for pitchers Do you like doing it?

[1443] You really like, you know, yeah, it's all right I mean, it's just like, you know, I'm the same in that fucking class as I am anywhere So I can appreciate it.

[1444] Like I teach, they're like juvenile offenders, so, you know But you enjoy doing that?

[1445] You enjoy working with those kids?

[1446] Yeah, I mean, it's a fucking job.

[1447] I mean, you know, it's like.

[1448] Would you do it if you had, I mean, if you didn't need the money?

[1449] If I didn't have a fucking family and a mortgage and I could make some money, I'd probably go to this place that I teach and volunteer, play soccer and fucking...

[1450] Is that rewarding?

[1451] No, no, no, no, no. See, Brigh.

[1452] I mean, look, it's like...

[1453] Well, no, it's not...

[1454] I mean, I've been doing it so fucking long that I just treat them like I would treat anybody.

[1455] Right.

[1456] You know what I mean?

[1457] So it's not like I'm trying to save the fucking world.

[1458] Well, for them, that's probably a nice thing.

[1459] man because you're a nice guy you know they might not have anybody that's willing to treat them nice and then i i remember that when they come back and they're all fucking you know that's really bad ass man i really appreciate the shit out of that that's awesome it's all right do you think those kids listen to podcasts uh no they're technologically they're kind of fucking out to lunch man so you were really to start with reading you were not going to hear all these things you're saying about them well i want to talk about this man because you're a really funny guy you know and uh you're a really smart guy and I see a guy like you and I've seen guys make that struggle to be a professional comic you know I've seen guys you know make that struggle to get booked you know I've seen it with Ari I saw with Ari for years you know for years Ari was like way underrated and he would like ask to him in my place it was really frustrating for me I was like you guys are crazy he's going up I would bring Ari on the road with me he would go up dead cold in front of you know 300 fucking savages and within 20 minutes he was crushing I was the best ones I'd done by far I was like look you get somebody else to get in front of those fucking monsters right you know I'm like this is a headliner he's a headliner you can do 45 minutes but for whatever reason it wasn't until like Twitter and the internet and the podcast and then the the obvious online following it's like now people they see it like now you're fucking headlining everywhere and you're like working all the time it's like I watch that frustration so I see got like you and I go I don't know what it is I mean if we can blow you up on the podcast maybe that's it but you gotta stop working you're a fucking comic yeah I know if you love doing that shit and volunteering that's beautiful and I'm sure that'll help you as a human and make your comedy better but you shouldn't be relying on that shit as an income you should be making a comfortable living off your art form you're the funniest comics I know I love you and I love you're a great guy man amazing and I'm very proud of what you've always get fired from the school anyway after this Listen, it's over, son They're going to test your hair They're going to pull some mustache hairs out, bitch You're going to jail Well, look, I think everything's connected I think everything complements itself And if everything can ultimately connect At some fucking point And, you know, I'm just Write it out and see what the fuck happens I should probably be more proactive But why don't you start your own podcast?

[1460] Actually, me and Sean Pulaski have one But just like me getting booked, it's like it's half -ass.

[1461] You want to get together?

[1462] All right, that type of shit.

[1463] So maybe I need a kick of me fucking arse and then maybe to stay off the smoke.

[1464] Yeah, there's a lot of, no, it's not that, man. You need one of those kids, though.

[1465] You need one of those kids to hold a gun through.

[1466] Weed made me more ambitious than ever.

[1467] Seriously?

[1468] Absolutely.

[1469] Because it makes you more introspective.

[1470] If you make you, makes you more introspective, you consider all the possibilities pro and con. If you don't get your shit together.

[1471] And you're like, weed made me want to get like ahead of the.

[1472] occur financially so I don't have to think about money makes me want to water my lawn really well makes me do that too yeah that's productive that's a productive thing to do i always say everybody's get their own different reaction but for me it cleans up my life little holes little things that are bothering me little things that i don't like about the way i behave things i don't like about the way i use my day if i get high those are the things that bug me i don't like that feeling so i don't do those things anymore i correct myself i use the dvies not to disagree with you man you're fucking.

[1473] I cannot disagree.

[1474] that's why he's such a nice guy.

[1475] How do you not like Doug Benson?

[1476] He's always like super positive and high as fuck every time you meet him.

[1477] He's 100 % guaranteed.

[1478] I've never seen Doug Moody, ever.

[1479] I've never seen Doug Benson get past like a five on the pissed off scale.

[1480] Yeah, really.

[1481] Well, we're always just hanging out having fun, though.

[1482] We do fun things together.

[1483] Not a lot of people raise their voice at you show.

[1484] Even if Doug gets like halfway mad at something, he's like, oh man, fuck him.

[1485] You know, it's like, But it's really easy to be mellow when you're on, when you're just hanging out with somebody that's at their thing, you know, like when I'm at UFC or one of your stand -up shows, it's fun to just hang out there because it's your thing and I'm just hanging out.

[1486] But like if you saw me how I am, like if it's my show, you know what I mean?

[1487] Like if I'm the headliner and the opening act goes long or something stupid happens, I have a temper.

[1488] I get, you know, I get frustrated with things.

[1489] Opening acts going along can be upsetting.

[1490] It's when people get unprofessional.

[1491] And we've all done it.

[1492] I'm so guilty of it.

[1493] Me talking about it at all is completely hypocritical.

[1494] I've totally gone long many times.

[1495] It's like you don't want to get off stage.

[1496] The audience is so prime.

[1497] It's so awesome.

[1498] You have more bits.

[1499] And you'll just say, I'll just do this one more bit.

[1500] And before you know it, you're like 10 minutes late and 50.

[1501] I didn't know you weren't allowed until I started doing it now.

[1502] And they were like, why did you do an hour and 10?

[1503] I'm like, that wasn't that long.

[1504] And they were like, no, 40.

[1505] Do 40 and stop.

[1506] Yeah.

[1507] For headlining?

[1508] Yeah, or whatever.

[1509] Give me that club.

[1510] I want to work that club.

[1511] See, what it is, dude, is that you're used to doing my shows where we just sort of take over.

[1512] Like, I know the second show.

[1513] Oh, the rules are very different when you're on your own.

[1514] Yeah.

[1515] But you still have weird curfew sometimes, like that last place in Houston.

[1516] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1517] That was a real curfew.

[1518] Why?

[1519] Those big theaters, you have to, you know, you have to, well, you have to be consider the union rules.

[1520] I mean, people don't want to work all night, you know.

[1521] And so if you make them work three or four hours after they're supposed to work, Yeah, guess what?

[1522] I'm with the union people.

[1523] They should be conversated.

[1524] You know, why do you want to have this show go dragging on forever?

[1525] You know, if it makes sense financial, I'd even be willing to pay the extra.

[1526] You know, I don't think they should have to work extra hard.

[1527] I mean, the contract is pretty simple.

[1528] It's like, you know, a few hours.

[1529] You get it for a few hours and then get the fuck out of here.

[1530] If not, you've got to keep paying us.

[1531] That's reasonable to me. Yeah.

[1532] But, you know, you're good at doing, you're good at a long, you've got a good long game.

[1533] Like, you can do a good long set, you know, like, that's just not my, I'm just not that.

[1534] For me, it would start to get a little.

[1535] little too potentially repetitive or I'd go to the crowd too much or something you know and then it would just be I just feel I like to just leave them wanting more you know and you do even though you do longer sets I backed off a lot I backed off a lot I used to do Q &A you do a tight show that's pretty long one time I knew I was in Phoenix and this is why I decided to stop and I was doing Q &As all weekend and they would go like an hour and a half after the show and I was like wow this is like there's no way to end this right and I was like I would like end it with like some old bit or something like that just to get off stage with a laugh yeah yeah I was like I clearly dragged this out way too far and it was like for some people they loved it but for it was more than like 20 or 30 percent that are like let's get fucking done with this this is yeah and they also they've also got in their mind probably because of the publicity is probably out there that there's a good chance that they can if they stick around they can meet you yeah show yeah it's like me they're so excited about meeting you they don't need to hear you talk for another hour they would rather meet you they'd rather get that experience you know like well that happens people have such short attention spans you know it's uh you you you know you you can give too much of a good thing where it's not entertaining at all anymore it's just becomes a chore and i've been there i've been there as an audience member and i've been there as a performer and i just learned so i never i very rarely do more than an hour in 10 hour and 20 at the most and i just fucking try to hit it as hard as i worst when just standing behind the curtain waiting to wrap up the show for an hour and 45 minutes I can't even go smoke I have no idea yeah I can't do it any moment unfortunately we have some fucking fun shows though man we you know one of the people uh I was I was talking to somebody recently they're like oh I really don't like the road it's like so depressing I'm like wow when we go on the road we have a fucking party yeah you're doing it wrong if you're doing it totally if it's depressing when Ari and Joey and Doug I mean when we show up in Houston together We're all smoking weed, eat and steak, and high -fiving.

[1536] We had margaritas in the morning before the UFC.

[1537] You guys are on the floor.

[1538] I'm getting paid to be there.

[1539] Who's getting depressed?

[1540] This is, like, the greatest experience ever.

[1541] Here, let me walk you through the Depression weekend.

[1542] I like what you see.

[1543] This is a miracle dream weekend.

[1544] It happens every two years.

[1545] Yeah, that's a big table service at that nightclub.

[1546] You show up Thursday, and your feature is 47 years old and black, and he's got an issue with the fact that you're 39 and white.

[1547] So he does 35 of clean killer hacking material.

[1548] Then he's selling five.

[1549] DVDs and three shirts for $20, right?

[1550] And then you have to hang out with him all fucking week.

[1551] That's what the road's really like.

[1552] No, no, no, no. That's not true.

[1553] For the average comic, for the average comic.

[1554] Okay, for the average comic.

[1555] But guess what?

[1556] That's seasoning, son.

[1557] You don't get to be a pool hustler just straight away.

[1558] You've got to make your time in the little bars and hustling people for a dollar.

[1559] You can't just take on.

[1560] Have you hung out with people you meet on line?

[1561] Have you have.

[1562] That's all I hang out with these people.

[1563] Yeah, they're cool.

[1564] Yeah, of course.

[1565] Oh, yeah, they're always cool, but I always afraid they're going to I'm going to flip something in my drink.

[1566] Yeah, there's that fear.

[1567] Ari Shapir would just like, he would just open himself up like Jesus.

[1568] Every town he goes to, let's hang out smoke pot.

[1569] You got me. Edible, that means eat it.

[1570] Here we go.

[1571] It's easy to buy Ariris - Can you bring it open that you like?

[1572] I can now.

[1573] I can now.

[1574] You have to.

[1575] But this is the first year that it's been like mandatory.

[1576] It's important to go through the ones where it's bad so that you'd appreciate the ones where it's good.

[1577] It's very important.

[1578] Yeah, and you'll always get a bad one anyway.

[1579] Like the other night it was at the end.

[1580] and there's this young lady that was emceeing that like just the rudimentary fundamental MC skills were just out the window.

[1581] So now Doug Benson's going to come to the stage.

[1582] He's been in.

[1583] Well, that's it.

[1584] You don't need to say anymore.

[1585] You've said my name.

[1586] I'm going to come up now.

[1587] You know, stuff like that.

[1588] And standing there holding the microphone and hands it to each act when they come on.

[1589] Instead of just put it back in the stand.

[1590] And just leave.

[1591] Let's go to neutral.

[1592] I don't necessarily want to start.

[1593] with the microphone in my hand.

[1594] I always feel bad for them, man. Yeah, yeah, because it's...

[1595] Their awkwardness and this, like, you know, when someone says, when someone comes up to you, what should I say before I bring you on?

[1596] What do you say?

[1597] I give them something to say, because if you just, you know, because you feel like the nice thing to say is just say whatever you want.

[1598] But when you give them that license, then they say the weirdest shit.

[1599] Really?

[1600] Because they don't know.

[1601] But it's funny.

[1602] You're right.

[1603] It can be funny what they say, but it also...

[1604] Don't ever leave a joke.

[1605] It also puts them into white -hot panic because they don't want to think of what they're going to say about you sometimes you know they don't want to have that on them they want right what if they think you suck and they don't want to say it you know yeah yeah like what if it's like austin you're working at cap city and you're fucking you got your bag of tricks and rockets you're to shoot out of your asshole and they're like austin comedians they don't want to say what to say bitch yeah come on i'm in a real fucking comedy town you suck tell me what to say stupid it's like those guys what's that story about judy gold she came up to someone and she was like i think it was like a you know some dick and he was like what do you want me to say and she was like I don't care.

[1606] I don't give a fucking shit.

[1607] Just don't, you know what?

[1608] Here's the thing.

[1609] Don't make any jokes about my height.

[1610] And he was like, okay.

[1611] That just puts the idea to say.

[1612] Yeah, so then he says, what can I say about this next lady except for Fifi, faux fum?

[1613] And then brought her on stage.

[1614] And you're like, man, you do not fucking, I mean, I had the worst person ever brought me on stage was Frankie Pace.

[1615] And it was total misunderstanding.

[1616] For whatever reason, he thought that I was making fun of him.

[1617] Because I had brought him up and I said he was old school I said Frankie Pace I go with some old school Long Island comedy Because he was like this guy When I came up He had already been on television And he was on You know He was like a big guy in Long Island Like he would do like really well out there When I said that like old school Long Island comedian I didn't mean All he heard was old old old old He heard man It's all you heard Someone get a ramp for the stage And so So I said it You know I heard he got upset, and I talked to him about it, and I explained to him.

[1618] I said, no, listen, man, I go, it's not, I go, it's a compliment.

[1619] And so he, even after I said that to him, he went on stage, and he, you know, the comedy store is always like, you bring on the next comic, you know, so it might be, you know, dice claim might bring you up.

[1620] You know, you never know who's going to bring you up to the comedy store.

[1621] And he brings me up, and as he's bringing me up, he's telling my closing bit.

[1622] He's doing my, I's got this really kind of, it's a strange bit about tigers, tigers, having sex with each other and it's just really loud I want you to prepare you for that it's like a really like the douchiest intro of all time and so I go on stage and I go listen man I go when I called you old school I said I go it means you have skills and I go doesn't that mean that folks like in the rapper world and the audience cheered I go dude I mean no disrespect and he goes well yeah well then you're new school and I was like oh no I reached out with love and this is what you did you now you've shown the green face of jealousy and then you said you're no school you know no no I see you brought him up or I don't get here he brought you up he brought me he brought you up I had brought him up at another instance and I said he was an old school comedy veteran from Long Island you know when I said Bert Christch with some old school stand up for fucking Tallahassee wherever we're part of Florida Tampa Tampa Florida bitches I wouldn't want to see that if you would high five.

[1623] We would high five as I brought him on stage and that would be the end of it.

[1624] I was just trying to hype him up.

[1625] I mean, when I said he's an old school comedy veteran from Long Island, I didn't mean he sucked, man. But for whatever reason, mostly because, you know, I'm on this television show.

[1626] I was on a sitcom at the time.

[1627] He was still trying to make it and he was flying back and forth.

[1628] You know, it was a total misunderstanding.

[1629] That always bugged the shit up.

[1630] I'm like, why are you mad at me, man?

[1631] I always liked you.

[1632] It was fun.

[1633] It's the people can get upset, man. This is a fucking tricky business.

[1634] And a lot of people feel like it's not fair.

[1635] And when they feel like it's not fair, for whatever reason, they focus their energy on you.

[1636] And really, this is a life lesson.

[1637] If you see someone and their success is making you angry, look inward.

[1638] Look at yourself because that is your fucking problem 100 % of the time.

[1639] If that person upsets you, you may use them as fuel.

[1640] You may use them as motivation.

[1641] You can use them to say, I don't ever want to be that guy.

[1642] This is a lesson that the universe has given me. But you can choose to not be upset at them.

[1643] You can choose how you move forward.

[1644] It's up to you.

[1645] Of course.

[1646] It's 100 % up to you.

[1647] It's really hard.

[1648] Guys like that.

[1649] It is hard as, fuck, bitch.

[1650] You got to be able to stand in a horse dance.

[1651] I don't think it's hard at all.

[1652] Yeah, but that's you, man. If you don't think it's hard.

[1653] You got to dig in, dude, you got to dig in.

[1654] You got occasionally do squats.

[1655] So weed helps me to not be angry at other people's successes.

[1656] You need to have good posture and go deep and then go all the way up.

[1657] What's he smoking?

[1658] I don't know.

[1659] I think you put on the NASA suit and you're in space.

[1660] I'm pretty sure that the podcast is off the air by now.

[1661] We're on Ustream.

[1662] The shit cuts out at least 20 times a show.

[1663] I thought that was the bonus round for only the folks that are going to get this on iTunes.

[1664] it's it's it's frozen look behind you Brian no that's just the mac mini from four years ago oh we need you equipment we're YMCA is in a studio learn what is this is a fucking disc for you it's rock and roll I saw that this what this is is a fucking CIA worm now I know why this funny guy has not made it because he's with them he's undercover man he's with the other side listen a while back I saw a tweet or whatever front you're jamming it's Queens the Stone Age and I'm like Love them.

[1665] Okay.

[1666] There's some queens on there.

[1667] And then I heard you say.

[1668] It's a mixed tape.

[1669] Sir, we're not distributing illegal MP3s in the age of soap.

[1670] You can't do that.

[1671] You can't burn the law, man. I bought those fucking CDs.

[1672] I believe you did, sir, and I thank you kindly.

[1673] This was what I would prefer from you.

[1674] Since I'm not poor, I would like just a list of all the shit you think is cool.

[1675] And I fucking pay for it.

[1676] I'll pay for that shit.

[1677] Oh, look at that.

[1678] Like, what do you?

[1679] Well, man, I have no business taking anybody's free shit.

[1680] Burt Chrysler's taking it.

[1681] If anybody's selling any of the things on that CD, Burt's going to keep it for sure.

[1682] I would have no...

[1683] There's no way in my good conscience I could not buy it.

[1684] It started with the double cassette player in the 80s.

[1685] That's where this copyright shit came.

[1686] Well, the cassette player period, when people were freaking out, when cassette players came along, they could actually tape the radio.

[1687] How dare you?

[1688] I remember tape the radio.

[1689] Dude, one of my favorite Terrence McKenna interviews, one of my favorite Terrence McKenna interviews, Terrence McKenna was being interviewed by Art Bell and someone taped it off the radio and Terrence McKenna's fucking signals cutting out and it's all and the actual radio signal goes out almost at one point where you could barely hear them.

[1690] It's crackling but it's still it's still there and it's awesome because it's got this weird feeling of suspense it's almost like you're there while you're really there while this whole thing is being like taped and recorded do do do do I'm not we're for We're just a collective We have no response to that High by contact Bird Chryser How it's a good record Do you want to take a little breaky poo And start Like It's 940 We have 20 minutes Before the show starts Why will we take a breaky poo Now We have The most Hilarious and talented people On the fucking planet Earth Where'd that juke Where's that you go Where's the Jew?

[1691] No I'm just saying Take a little break Where's your fear I don't know Do you want to take a break You're going to get them into the show Because I have a lot of shit.

[1692] I have to set up and all this.

[1693] What are you doing?

[1694] You got a puppet show?

[1695] No, we have another comedy.

[1696] We're doing a live comedy show in the next room.

[1697] What are you worried about?

[1698] It's 20 minutes from now.

[1699] We'll do 10 more minutes.

[1700] How about that?

[1701] Your cult leader has spoken, Brian.

[1702] I want to give people some of the fucking Armo's drinks.

[1703] And plus, I want to get illegal with the shit.

[1704] You know, I want to start playing songs.

[1705] I'm being like, let's have a party.

[1706] Let's make it like legit, you know?

[1707] You know what?

[1708] Brian just made a really excellent point.

[1709] And I'm going to, I'm going to rescind my prior ruling.

[1710] because if I were president, that's what I would do.

[1711] This is what we're going to do.

[1712] You're like Go Daddy style.

[1713] Yeah, I'm going back, just like Go Daddy.

[1714] We're going to end this podcast.

[1715] I want to thank you everybody for joining in.

[1716] Thank you to Doug Benson.

[1717] Please, please, please subscribe to his podcast.

[1718] It is on iTunes and it's called Doug Love's Movies.

[1719] Jason Glearned, you have anything these motherfuckers can connect to you on anything because they will.

[1720] They're going to reach out right now.

[1721] The Twitter.

[1722] Twitter.

[1723] What is it?

[1724] What the fuck is your name on Twitter?

[1725] Jason Geleran.

[1726] Spell it, son!

[1727] What the fuck is a G -I -L -E -A -R -N?

[1728] Say it one more time.

[1729] Bingo.

[1730] Jason, J -A -S.

[1731] It's not like J -A -Y -Y.

[1732] He is not and he's busy.

[1733] You can't use my guy.

[1734] Get your own guy, fuck face, okay?

[1735] With all the technology, they can't find my fucking Twitter name.

[1736] Spell your Twitter, son.

[1737] If they're not fucking retarded, I don't want them to follow them.

[1738] Just go to desktop.

[1739] You'll be able to find it.

[1740] What if another guy comes in Glearn and he spells it?

[1741] Underscore Jason Glearn.

[1742] alphabetically you know what either way it doesn't fucking matter man listen folks we're going away but we're not going away hey I have shows at Tampa Improop New Year's Eve go see him Powerful Burke Kreischer has spoken Hey is it true that the SATs are for faggots Oh shit By the way If you see Burke Chryser If you see Burke Kreischer out there on the street The proper way to address him is Powerful Burke Kreischer That is how you're supposed to say it So if you see Burke Chrysher I don't care if you're at the airport If you're at the fucking DMV If you're in the line at Walmart It is powerful, Bert Christiard What if I'm smoking in front of his kid's school?

[1743] Don't do that Keep it to yourself, junkie You're fucking up the cause, Dare Benson Ruining it for the good folks We'll be right back with the Ice House Chronicles Which is only available on the death squad We're going to stop this Ustream show And come back under the same banner At the same website But it's, I know it's confusing Stick with us.

[1744] Listen, motherfucker, the podcast's still going Don't go talking to your own separate groups Jesus Christ I know you're a first timer I know I'm about to thank the flashlight these motherfuckers want to start talking about their kids I know what the fuck Thank you Shut the fuck up I'm talking This is a goddamn It's a commercial This is fake anger All of it's fake We actually like each other Sometimes comedians will like pretend to be upset Just to try to make light out of everything And you know This is Jason's first time here I don't want to really make it one comfortable So I want them to know It's okay buddy Hey your mic's not on That's right you're fucking You can't talk.

[1745] You can't talk while I'm talking.

[1746] You're censored like soap a bitch.

[1747] Oh my goodness.

[1748] Censored like soapa.

[1749] Listen, we love you and we thank you all for tuning in as always.

[1750] This is our second anniversary show and we are happy as fuck that you guys are enjoying this.

[1751] We love to do it.

[1752] Thank you to all our friends that are in this sort of a network of freaks.

[1753] Our friend Doug Benson from Doug Loved Movies and Bert Kreischer from Bert the Conqueror on the Travel Channel.

[1754] Benchon is Jason Glearn.

[1755] Follow him on Twitter.

[1756] Figure it out.

[1757] He doesn't want.

[1758] to spell his name because he only wants people that can figure that out.

[1759] And that's a smart move.

[1760] Thank you to the fleshlight.

[1761] If you go to joe rogan.

[1762] And click on the link for the fleshlight and entering the code name, Rogan, you will get 15 % off.

[1763] Holla at your boy.

[1764] And then also we are sponsored by Onit .com.

[1765] O -N -N -I -T, makers of Alpha Brain, a cognitive enhancer, shroom tech sport, an energy pill based on the cordyceps mushroom.

[1766] This is an excellent supplement if you're into working out really hard.

[1767] and Shroom Tech Immune, which is an immunity supplement based on a completely different mushroom.

[1768] All information available at Onit .com.

[1769] O -N -N -N -I -T, enter in the code name Rogan, and you will get 10 % off.

[1770] What, what?

[1771] Thank you all.

[1772] We love you.

[1773] Thank you for tuning in for two years.

[1774] 200 %, buddy.

[1775] Funnest thing we've ever done.

[1776] And 2012 is not even, December 21st, 2012 is not even a year away.

[1777] Oh, shit.