#163 - Doug Stanhope, Joey Diaz

[0] That was one of the best commercials we ever did.

[1] Come on, folks.

[2] I know you don't like the commercials, ladies and gentlemen.

[3] But it's a fucking free podcast, okay?

[4] I didn't know where to do a commercials.

[5] I know.

[6] They're ridiculous.

[7] They need to be edited.

[8] This is a good argument for the necessary having a producer.

[9] All right.

[10] I need a real producer.

[11] Yeah, it was fun.

[12] It goes a fun commercial.

[13] How did you know the difference between that and this?

[14] You don't.

[15] That's the fucking boy.

[16] Oh, because you just hit a button and now we're actually talking?

[17] Now it actually is the talking.

[18] I no longer have to promote anything, but in the beginning, before we start, the way, the way we got it out of the way, we used to just talk about the fleshlight all the time, and then we figured I once along, somewhere along the line.

[19] It's best to just get it out of the way and then go about the podcast.

[20] So that's the, it seems a little disingenuous.

[21] Yeah, no, I'm just.

[22] It's a vehicle.

[23] Yeah, I'm a bit scatterbrained.

[24] Doug Stanhope, on his way over here, my good buddy, Dunn Stanhope, who I've not seen in probably like a year, a year somewhere around that.

[25] Yeah, no, it's been a while.

[26] maybe a year and a half since the last time I did the show yeah man yeah yeah and when we went to see your live show dude I learned something I learned I don't like going to shows where I have to stand up oh that was a couple years ago that was that fucking kick cat club yeah that's like three years ago do you have people sitting down yeah no I'm doing now that I can cut my own deal I'm fucking back of the improv oh that's nice oh so they just they gave up they came around now that I can do an Off night.

[27] What's going on with Joey's microphone, bro?

[28] Yo, Mike, no, they need fucking buck a lot.

[29] They got all these open micas Tuesday, too.

[30] This is Doug fucking Stan -old.

[31] It's all over.

[32] You got all these fucking mooks during the week.

[33] Bring it this fucking savage.

[34] But I can do one night there on an off -night and bring my own fucking crowd.

[35] Yeah.

[36] Well, you did.

[37] You were one of the first guys to figure out how to get your own crowd online.

[38] You know, what you did was really a smart move by just leaving the comedy clubs almost completely and just going to a little rock and roll club.

[39] and booking it yourself and yeah it's all out of spite spite does it drives you a lot well you really like a sex drive but it was genius yeah it was balzy hate and needing the fucker let these motherfuckers know you're a voice and you got to get the fuck out there I don't give a fuck what you do you don't want to hire me I got to keep doing what I do it's the best way you did it the best way though you you you really found your own audience like you you're one of those dudes where you go to see a Stanhope show you know it's a fucking Stanhope crowd when you see him walking on the street you know they're all days from suicide they're all smolked there was it i was in calgary where i actually crossed this i i'm looking for the gig oh that's right yeah yeah so yeah we talked about this last let's tell it tell it anyway yeah calgary there's a train station in front of where the gig was so i see all these fucking hoodlums standing i think they're waiting for a train so i cross a street to get away from them and then only to realize that was they were waiting not for the train but that was my gig that was the fucking cue for my fucking show that I'm crossing the street to get away from my own fans because it seems scary that's one of his fans right there look at running Stanhope's fans right there that's how he shows up with the outfit stop making me look at fucking there's a dude that's on Fear Factor this new season of Fear Factor and there was a thing on CNN about a guy living in a tree you were saying oh yeah if they did Fear Factor I'd suck the devil's dick again and then now i'm fucking watching football and here's i can't believe it's back oh rogan's big fucking huge head in my face on 55 inches of a fair factor i love it though they came with the long money stanhope they came with that vacation home cash in the middle of the fucking world falling apart we're way too old for fucking talk about selling out or all that shit that young comics care about rivalries dane cook hey daint cook thank you very much dang cook like i'm doing this fucking benefit show in Tucson that it's a long story but like Dane Cook said Hey I haven't done stand -up but I'll help you out Like fuck thanks thanks a lot Like who gives this shit Someone emailed me today about Mencia this new MNCid thing is I hope it's so hot right now touches on Your bit like who gives the fuck Yeah Oh you fucking internet snipes So was Dane doing the benefit?

[40] No he's not he hasn't done Standup in almost a year Yeah it was very fun of February I ran out of February and some of the premier of warriors.

[41] Not the name drop.

[42] It's on the red carpet.

[43] Avoided the paparazzi.

[44] But even people are like snipey about that.

[45] Like, yeah, Danko, well, he didn't put the, like, I don't know how Twitter really works, but he didn't put the apostrophe thing in front of it.

[46] So he's just telling your own fans that he's promoting.

[47] What?

[48] Oh, I see what I understand.

[49] I don't know how Twitter works.

[50] Yeah, yeah, he didn't put the A, the M. People are just still so fucking cunty.

[51] Yeah, they're very cunty.

[52] We're old people.

[53] Well, people are looking for a reason to, because they're trying to distract themselves from the shit life that they live.

[54] Instead of looking at their life and trying to fucking figure out their real problems, they just go online and just fucking pop.

[55] You don't have it.

[56] You don't give a fuck about comedy anymore, do you?

[57] I care about good comedy.

[58] I still like it.

[59] I still enjoy it.

[60] I don't know.

[61] I don't care at all.

[62] I realize somewhere along the line, it's mostly just jealousy and insecurity and you know, one of the, realize one of the things I realized is people had a shit way of looking at comedy when I used to tell people that I take Joey on the road with me. I'd take people, you know, like, who'd you do rascals with?

[63] Oh, Joey Diaz and I. He goes, you bring fucking Joey Diaz on the road?

[64] Like, what are you crazy?

[65] Like, you follow Joey Diaz on purpose?

[66] And I was like, and I couldn't understand it.

[67] I was like, why would you even think like that?

[68] Like, why does everybody, you know, everybody's worried at every moment that they're not the life of the fucking party.

[69] Like, at every moment, they can't even enjoy when other people are funny.

[70] I'm like, you don't want to be around funny people?

[71] That's all I want to do.

[72] I want guys to fucking crush in front of me. You know, I want, I want, I want to just, I want the whole thing to be fun.

[73] I don't want to just be the only one who's having fun up there.

[74] I'm so spoiled socially.

[75] Because, yeah, my fucking best friends in the world are literally the funniest people alive.

[76] So spoiled.

[77] So if you try to hang out with idiots.

[78] You go to your fucking in -laws or some shit.

[79] It's brutal.

[80] You can do this joke on stage.

[81] When they tell you, you can do this joke on stage.

[82] They don't understand.

[83] They don't understand.

[84] Take this on stage.

[85] See if you like it.

[86] You know what?

[87] When I was dating this girl at one time, she's a nice girl, but I was at a transitionary point in my life.

[88] There's nothing bad about her.

[89] She was just who she was.

[90] She was a young girl, wanted to do what she wanted to do.

[91] I hate that.

[92] She was always upset.

[93] She's a good girl.

[94] She was a really good person.

[95] But she was always upset that I was doing other things, and I was hanging out this pool hall all the time.

[96] And she would always give me shit about it.

[97] But, you know, I finally, I had to sit her down and have a moment.

[98] Like, I have fucking fun there.

[99] Do you understand?

[100] Again, I have to remind people I'm tripping a bit, just picturing you at a pool.

[101] Hall, like he's a flashback in a movie and they put weird hair on.

[102] Yeah, a full head of it.

[103] Yeah.

[104] Back to Joe Rogan and Pool Hall days.

[105] That's my pool all days.

[106] No, it wasn't in Boston.

[107] It was New York.

[108] I became obsessed when I first moved to New York.

[109] But she hated it.

[110] She fucking hated it because I never wanted to hang out with her.

[111] And I would tell her, look, you know, and I had a conversation with him.

[112] I'm like, look, you're a very cool person.

[113] You're very sweet.

[114] I don't want to date another girl.

[115] But I don't want to fucking hang out with you every day.

[116] Well, you hate chicks.

[117] I don't hate checks.

[118] I hate dumb ones, though.

[119] I hate dumb dudes, and I hate dumb chicks.

[120] Equally, it's not a gender thing.

[121] It's just dummies.

[122] But when you're in that situation, man, when you're just like, God, I just can't.

[123] I can't hang out with you all the time.

[124] It hurts me. It hurts me to know that there's all this fun going on over there.

[125] I'm hanging out with you, and these dudes are gambling and staying up to three in the morning, and no one's married, no one that knows what the fuck is going on the next day.

[126] They're all wild gambling motherfuckers, and they're my friends, and they're funny.

[127] They say funny shit.

[128] And I'm like, what am I going to do?

[129] I'm going to hang out with you?

[130] And what are you going to tell me, like, what you're going to tell me, what you like to eat, you know, what your mom said that was mean?

[131] You know, Jesus fucking Christ, I want to go have fun.

[132] Yeah, no, I think, go ahead.

[133] Are you too far gone on to talk?

[134] No, no, I'm good.

[135] I'm good.

[136] I was just, that thought was cramping my mind.

[137] It's so important to have friends that are fun, you know.

[138] It's the one thing that you, you know, you get out of podcasts and shit, too, though.

[139] like people that don't know anybody like you don't know anybody like joey they get to talk to you essentially on a podcast they get to kind of feel your vibe see how you think about things you sit down and see somebody talk for an hour you don't just see them talk you see how they think you see how they decipher stuff and it kind of can give you insight on how maybe you're not doing it that way or maybe you could you could do it that way and it would enhance your shit you know right it's so important man you can get stuck in a fucking bad place with bad friends are you freaking out No, I'm not freaking out.

[140] I'm just enjoying the entire experience.

[141] Yeah, yeah.

[142] Yeah, man. Led Zeppelin's on the wall.

[143] We got this new studio for the folks that are just listening on iTunes.

[144] If you go to Ustream .tv forward slash Joe Rogan, you could watch all these now.

[145] And we actually have it set up where we have projectors.

[146] Now we're on fucking TV on delay.

[147] Yeah, yeah.

[148] I should not look in that direction.

[149] I did that for you.

[150] I did that for you so you can, you know, it would be easy.

[151] One of my favorite Stanhope stories that I tell us when you and not.

[152] I did mushrooms and then we went out to the desert and it was the day the war started.

[153] Yeah, watching pregame for the war.

[154] I'll never forget this.

[155] You and I were sitting in Jan Irvin's living room twisted to our balls, right?

[156] They had a fucking giant kettle of some kind of ayahuasca they were trying to produce.

[157] Aminaina Muscaria and it gave us just a weird feeling in the head.

[158] It didn't get us off at all.

[159] Nothing and I had like I felt like a popper like but I'll tell you what I think...

[160] A little bag of mushrooms in my pocket and then I come in they have this whole fucking giant kettle going.

[161] But you know what?

[162] The two of them together, though, I think that's what really blasted it off.

[163] And, you know, that's what they think Soma was.

[164] They think Soma might have been, you know, Soma from like the ancient Hindu religion.

[165] They don't know what it is, but it was like the basis of a lot of their belief and a lot of their, you know, their ancient scriptures talk about it and, like, grave about Soma.

[166] And they think that it was Aminida muscaria mushrooms mixed with Cubensis mushrooms, like mixed like that.

[167] And that might have been, because we were, we were fucking balasteroo, dude.

[168] We, I was, I remember staring at the wall and looking at this crazy geometric pattern that the universe was made out of.

[169] And stand, we're watching count down to the war.

[170] It's like fucking Sunday.

[171] But you go, this is what, you, you were standing there and you go, holy shit.

[172] And all it was missing was fucking, what's his name?

[173] Frank Calliendo.

[174] Doing a depression.

[175] Giving his picks as.

[176] Right.

[177] I'm going to give you my picks as John Madden, who hasn't been relevant from fucking.

[178] in seven years.

[179] We're sitting there blasted, and I'll never forget this, because you just go, holy shit, there's a fucking kickoff.

[180] There's a kickoff to the war, yeah.

[181] There's a kickoff.

[182] And we were both, like, really just starting a trip.

[183] Like, it was just coming on, and then you go, holy shit, there's a kickoff.

[184] It's at six.

[185] And we were sitting, we just sat down.

[186] 5 .45, we should get a cocktail and some snacks.

[187] We sat down, and we were like, Terry Bradshaw is going to fucking come on and tell you how he feels.

[188] It's like, it's the strangest time ever to be alive.

[189] What kind of a world is this?

[190] They're telling us the war coverage begins at five.

[191] What are you saying?

[192] They timed it?

[193] You tell me they timed it?

[194] They waited.

[195] Isn't it like a different time over there?

[196] So they waited all day.

[197] Yeah.

[198] And it's not like it was their time.

[199] It was prime time here.

[200] It was like six in the afternoon.

[201] Could you imagine if they actually timed the missiles to prime time in America?

[202] They probably had fucking.

[203] They probably fucking did.

[204] They probably fucking do.

[205] Right after Law & Order.

[206] CNN had fucking advertisers.

[207] Oh, God.

[208] Well, you know, George Bush, if, uh, yeah, if that three in the morning, you know, their time.

[209] Yeah, Sizzler, we can get fucking tied to sponsor it.

[210] If you're going to, you know, nuke him at six.

[211] It was such a strange fucking moment, man. What a weird moment.

[212] Stan, remember those two broads that live next to you?

[213] Remember the tall journey?

[214] chick that was lanky and cute the short brunette and then there was the chubby of chick sage remember the chubby oh those are the yeah you did like heroin or something with them or something oh I did everything with them yeah I remember sage is the one I remember why stopped there Sage is the one I did like Sage's father at one time was the Rolling Stones manager and what he did for this chick was he bought her a fucking blockbuster in Ventura bought her a blockbuster and she said I don't I think you turned her on to heroin and she was giving me shit about herpes.

[215] I go, yeah, I got herpes.

[216] I didn't give herpes.

[217] I didn't give her no fucking herpes.

[218] She was giving me shit about having herpes, but she's over there fucking doing heroin with Joey Diaz.

[219] Listen to me. I was homeless.

[220] She would come to the store on Sundays.

[221] She would come to the store on Sundays and give me pills.

[222] and she was an expert and mixing, what was that shit that was big 10 -year, M -D -B -A?

[223] M -D -M -D -M -A with water.

[224] Ecstasy with water?

[225] She'd drinking none of the other stuff that was...

[226] Oh, GHB.

[227] G -HB.

[228] And she'd bring it to the comedy store and I'd be hosting on Sundays and she'd give me drinks of the GSP, whatever the fuck.

[229] G -S -B?

[230] Who the fucking is G -HB, whatever?

[231] I'm not impressed with you.

[232] Listen, so this happened, this one out for six months.

[233] She'd take me on...

[234] On Sundays, I go to a house.

[235] Rogan, I go to a house on Sundays, after I'd host, she'd come down, we'd buy coke from Chewy, we'd go to her house, we'd do heroin, eat her ass, pills, I'd whip her, she'd make little shows at lingerie for me. She was 100 pounds overweight, but this bitch was bad, big red tits.

[236] It's not an ass you want to eat.

[237] No, no, no, no, she lost the weight.

[238] She'd want to die it.

[239] Then, then, I didn't see it for a long time, right?

[240] And then she started coming around the comedy store and giving me that GSP and shit out.

[241] So one, this is a great story.

[242] I forgot about this.

[243] I was thinking of Stanhope on the way up here.

[244] and our friend Mike was selling weed but at one time he worked at CAA and he goes listen one of the interns over to me blew up he ended up being Whitney Houston's manager and you know and the tour manager and he's looking for powder so every day they would come over and I would sell Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston you know they would come over like $1 ,100 which was per die of money I was taking Whitney's per diem money right every day they come over with a little white envelope and give me the per diem money and I go up to the Martel cartel and I'd buy 14 grams of blow, take an 8 ball out and cut it and then give it to Whitney Houston and they were fucking going crazy this went on for 30, 40 days but I couldn't snort all the blow I was stealing from me. I couldn't snort it.

[245] It was just too much.

[246] So I was giving it to Marilyn Martinez to hold for me. Is it she dead?

[247] She's dead.

[248] That's the Coke that killed her.

[249] So, okay.

[250] I got like 2 ounces of blow plus I snorted all this I can't snort no more.

[251] I don't have to do with it, right?

[252] One night, I go, Maryland, bring the Coke down to the fucking store, right?

[253] I'm selling Coke to Whitney fucking Houston.

[254] They're picking me up at 9 in the morning, paging me on the red pager.

[255] I'm coming downstairs, getting in the car with them, going to the Martel cartel, to the brothers, going in the house with two grams of coke already cut in my pocket.

[256] And I would just go in, take rocks out, throw the cut in, mix it up, and give it right back to them in the car, and they'd be happy as shit.

[257] They were inviting me to A &M records to come party with them.

[258] I don't party away.

[259] So how much coke were you stealing from them?

[260] I was selling them.

[261] I was getting them a half ounce and taking an eight ball out and throwing an eight ball to cut in.

[262] What is an eight ball?

[263] Three and a half grams.

[264] I see, I've done coke my entire fucking life and I don't know like a percentage.

[265] Like what it costs or is not crazy.

[266] It's not crazy that people are so sleazy that it's all cut.

[267] No, no. Do you ever get pure at house?

[268] I don't know what it's worth.

[269] You know, I always know what a fucking shit is.

[270] I know, like, Coke, because someone goes, hey, do you want to do a bump?

[271] And you go, okay.

[272] Right.

[273] But you don't know what the fuck is.

[274] He's never bought it.

[275] No, he does whatever.

[276] When you go out with Stanhope, somebody got cokes, he'll do coke.

[277] You got elephant tranquilize.

[278] Stanhope's like Uncle Joy.

[279] We don't give a fuck.

[280] The train's already running.

[281] I got nowhere to be tomorrow.

[282] Fuck it.

[283] We're here already.

[284] You know what I got out of here?

[285] And he said he had mushrooms.

[286] I'm like, what the fuck?

[287] You don't be, this is a cock sucker that knocks on your door with rolling papers and no weed, you know what I got no roll.

[288] I got no wheel.

[289] I got rolling papers.

[290] Next time you bring those fucking mushrooms with you And we could have been right here This would have been a great fucking podcast Nothing is it So I'm robin Whitney and Bobby Brown For a fucking month I'm robbing their blow every day I can't do it I can't snort it fast now How much are they doing?

[291] They're doing a half ounce a day This is what?

[292] This is God This is 90s No this is 98 They're doing a half ounce a day Which is three ounces a week Oh my God And singing What does that look like?

[293] Oh an ounces like this Like a half ounce of weed Oh, my God.

[294] They're doing one of those a day.

[295] Oh, my God.

[296] Bobby Brown, his face twisted.

[297] And I was getting this shit that was flaky.

[298] Oh, my God.

[299] So, right?

[300] I tell Marilyn and bring the Coke to the store.

[301] You would say, like, well, aren't they feeding an entourage at this point?

[302] No, I thought we just goes to.

[303] But that's the thing about Coke.

[304] It's just those two.

[305] Yeah, you start.

[306] Oh, there's only so much coke left.

[307] All right.

[308] You got to go.

[309] You got to go.

[310] Right.

[311] So this went on.

[312] So on Saturday night I call Marilyn Martinez.

[313] I go, Maryland, do me a favor.

[314] but bring the blow to the comedy store because I'm just going to sell it.

[315] And a kid, after my set, gives me a little baggy with the bottom of it filled up.

[316] Like, not even two lines.

[317] And I put it in my pocket, and I take it home, and when I get home, I do it.

[318] It's not coke.

[319] It's crank.

[320] So I'm on fire now.

[321] It's 3 in the morning.

[322] I'm in my house on fire.

[323] I got the Coke hidden in the trunk of the car.

[324] All right.

[325] I have the Coke in the fucking car.

[326] No, I'm not bouncing.

[327] I have the Coke in the car.

[328] Earlier.

[329] I always do that shit.

[330] I have the Coke in the car, right?

[331] And I wouldn't bring it upstairs because I don't like coke in my house.

[332] So I would go down and do a little bump about five in the morning.

[333] Whoa, you would always keep it in the car?

[334] In the car, right, hiding on the rock outside.

[335] Paranoia is a good thing.

[336] I don't like it in the house.

[337] I don't like it.

[338] Better to be parallel.

[339] But I don't like it in my house anyway.

[340] I never like Coke in my house.

[341] It's just bad, but I don't like it.

[342] Right.

[343] I used to leave it outside on the rocks and somebody else's garage.

[344] Then I would go over and do a bump and go back upstairs.

[345] So there's one night I got upstairs and the page is going off and it's sage.

[346] And I said, fuck it, let me just bring the two ounces to her house of blow.

[347] And I brought, at that time, it was like an ounce and a half and three quarters.

[348] This bitch picked me up at six in the morning with a case of Starbucks coffee and can and a half a gallon of vodka.

[349] And we went back to the house and we did that whole package of blow, heroin, Valiums, MDMA, GSP.

[350] How many days?

[351] How many days?

[352] Two days.

[353] Just two days.

[354] Day afternoon, I had to get Scott Wolf, Josh Wolf's brother, Fredo, to come get me over by the Directors Guild.

[355] Oh, my God.

[356] For two days.

[357] I puked till Thursday.

[358] Jesus Christ.

[359] But here's how sick I was.

[360] The fucking Houston's kept calling me. And I'm like, fuck you motherfuckers.

[361] I'm out of commission, right?

[362] So finally, that next week was the Grammys.

[363] This is the last time I seen them.

[364] I don't think I told you about this.

[365] Last time ever I seen Whitney Houston, I got a call on a Monday morning after the Grammys at 9 in the morning.

[366] And they're like, is your boy up?

[367] He'd have to be.

[368] Come get me. And they pull up to my fucking house where I live by the YMCA.

[369] And it was the manager, Whitney Houston, and Ricky Martin in the fucking back.

[370] And they're all going.

[371] They're going from the Grammys.

[372] That jaw, all them jaws are fucking going, Jack.

[373] And I got in the car with them.

[374] I drive to the Martel cartel.

[375] I'm sitting there.

[376] I don't even know it's Ricky Martin.

[377] I just looked out the window.

[378] I was more paranoid than he was.

[379] I got in, bought it, brought it back to the car they draw that's the last time i fucking seen wow she they went out of town after they were here to sing uh they were doing what year is this had to be 98 97 99 they were doing the soundtrack this uh james bond a whitecliff gene who just robbed half a fucking haiti that cock sucker that's why i'm haiti you didn't see that he robbed his own fucking earthquake relief fund no 10 million dollars no yeah bro that's why i don't unless i see the guy on the street bleeding i give them money when you sent a hundred dollars they get 30 of it did you steal my change jar in the late 90s probably did right no no I don't steal a fucking change jar a fucking change jar what's a change jar it's just like thought he had your head out of the fucking blue he's just talking about robbery yeah he was just thinking about the 90s and where we lived on curse on and there was a fucking change jar I go that probably is fucking I called you Joey jingles for a while no no I would never rob you change show I I know.

[380] It was someone who just fucking...

[381] A change jarling a fucking cup of change?

[382] Yeah.

[383] Yeah, it was just a weird thought that just came into my head.

[384] No, I was just...

[385] Sorry, now I've smoked pot, which I never do.

[386] The fuck is wrong with you.

[387] I'm a professional.

[388] No, no, I remember calling you.

[389] What the fuck is you?

[390] We were doing Seattle one time.

[391] I was opening up for Stanhope, and I picked them up in an RV.

[392] And it was snowing in Seattle.

[393] Oh, you know.

[394] Weird chick.

[395] And the puppy, Carol, who I stuck the fucking aluminum -for -ass.

[396] He was around for that.

[397] He knew all about that shit in Seattle.

[398] Hey, Brian, you shouldn't probably play copyrighted shit on the background like this?

[399] No, I'm not.

[400] I'm just playing old shit.

[401] All right.

[402] I'm looking at all these images.

[403] You should probably not fucking start defamation suits.

[404] That's a definition suit?

[405] About Ricky fucking water.

[406] It's a true story.

[407] If it didn't fucking happen, then it wouldn't give a fuck.

[408] Well, Ricky Martin's clean and sober now.

[409] He came out of the closet.

[410] He's got kids.

[411] So he'll look.

[412] These opinions of the stories are.

[413] not a representative of the Joe Logan What is this?

[414] Law & Order.

[415] What the fuck is this?

[416] I was actually promoting copyrighted stuff and What is this?

[417] You know what?

[418] The law and order, the story might think that you might know these individuals.

[419] They ain't the fucking people.

[420] You know, this story's going to get on the internet now.

[421] You know, I've never played, I've never played the brain improv.

[422] What was he going to say to me?

[423] No, you remember me, bitch?

[424] Oh, I remember.

[425] The fuck.

[426] Sing, bitch.

[427] Sing.

[428] I kept her alive for three fucking months.

[429] God.

[430] Damn.

[431] Rocks and shit.

[432] So you think it was just them doing that amount?

[433] Joe Rogan, you could go crazy.

[434] You got a chick that's sucking your dig.

[435] I got no experience with this cocaine.

[436] Zero.

[437] I've never, I don't, I don't have any experience with it.

[438] You're fucking change, John.

[439] Jesus Christ.

[440] Yeah, what happened?

[441] Did they break into your house and change a change?

[442] No, no, I just noticed the fucking all the change had been taken out and nothing else was stolen.

[443] I go, who would do that?

[444] And I go, I think Joey's back.

[445] on drugs maybe you fucking so I called you it's impossible Joe you might have done it forgot about it I think the last time I went to stay in hopes house it was like someone like I had an open house policy he had an open house policy still do like who would just like I was just going this is the fucking like 1996 we were all broke I'm going which one of my friends would be broke enough to just fucking I remember I was at the coaching horses Joey jingles out of my fucking mind and I couldn't walk to vista so I went to Stanhope's because he had the open door policy and I go to Stanhope's.

[446] I open the door.

[447] He's got the bunk beds.

[448] I get on the...

[449] No, and this time in the living room he just had a cot.

[450] I get on the cot because I couldn't even make it to the fucking bed.

[451] And that's the night there's an earthquake.

[452] And I wake up to the house and I open my eyes sideways and I see the clock.

[453] So I'm focusing on the clock.

[454] But the fucking earth is moving.

[455] You know what I'm saying?

[456] And that was just...

[457] I think the last time I was...

[458] Do you still have that apartment?

[459] Yeah, yeah.

[460] It's subsidized.

[461] You have somebody in there.

[462] It's rent control.

[463] I still beat the fucking horn.

[464] I still live there all the time.

[465] I still beat the horn when I go by like a motherfucker out of respect.

[466] Hennigan's there now.

[467] Is Hennigan in town?

[468] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[469] Do you ever miss L .A.?

[470] Yeah, now.

[471] Yeah.

[472] Right now, the fucking drive here was horrific.

[473] I was going to change.

[474] I was trying to get a hold of you.

[475] Like, I'll, if we have to do this the next day, I'm going to change my flight.

[476] I'm like, I can just fly, I could fucking 10 days off.

[477] I just fly to fucking somewhere.

[478] I never do that.

[479] fly somewhere for a vacation grab my passport go to Costa Rica if I'm going to extend my stay here to fucking hang out with you I'll probably be fucked up when I leave why not and then just the thought of LAX fucking ruined that entire fantasy really oh sorry you get a talk down here no it's perfect there it's fine well my audio functions are way fucked oh yeah medicinally you know you why did you move there in the first place why did you decide to you live in Bisbee, Arizona, in the middle of nowhere, right?

[480] What was the...

[481] Just wanted to get away.

[482] Impulse by.

[483] It's a place I found when I was driving on the road.

[484] Really?

[485] Impulse by.

[486] Yeah, I don't even see the inside.

[487] Did you know anything about the town?

[488] Did you know anything about the town?

[489] I'd been there a lot.

[490] Sorry, I had a fucking...

[491] It's fine, dude.

[492] Yeah, yeah, no. All right.

[493] Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

[494] So, um...

[495] Yeah, so I've...

[496] What's the downside?

[497] What's the downside of living in a tiny little town like that?

[498] Because you're in, like, a town of like, what, 6 ,000 people or something crazy?

[499] Yeah, Jake LaMotta has come over to the house a couple times.

[500] Jake LaMotta, the fighter?

[501] Yeah.

[502] Really?

[503] Yeah.

[504] The guy who they made the movie Raging Bull About?

[505] Yeah.

[506] What's that guy like?

[507] You know what?

[508] I could do a fucking 20 -minute bit.

[509] That's the downside.

[510] Like, he...

[511] He lives there?

[512] Yeah, yeah, no, but you have to be respectful of people there.

[513] because any good story that comes out of there that's your neighbor that's the downside of living in a small town you can't talk about fun shit that happens fucking stop sign because they cut you off because that guy will be behind you in line at fucking safe way yeah like how often you run in the same people over and over you all the time all the time yeah that's a weird thing huh so yeah you get a fucking really funny fucking bit about your neighbor so do you guys think that Joe Diaz took care of this change Real quick No I don't think There's this spot There's a spot on the microphone If I was here It doesn't matter I was looking for it You're fine Your voice on there Do you?

[514] Not to me Not to you Really?

[515] It sounded fucked I think it's probably those headphones I know I just had a bit Echo No yeah No it's because My senses are peaked Right now So what's the good side There's got to be a good side You know I fucking love it No One of the bad sides Is I hate the road now Because I want to be home Really Because now you have a lot of friends in town There's no fucking joy in Cleveland Like what am I going to accomplish That I haven't in 21 years Right same thing I'm gonna throw soft cock at a younger girl I hang out all night Until she's deluded enough What are we gonna do a fucking triple run Let's do a triple run old school Take red band the drive I'd fucking love to do that We did a 10 year anniversary Did you really?

[516] Yeah, Becker and I went up We did a 10 years from now We're gonna go back And we're gonna do a triple run.

[517] Triple runs are these legendary one -nighters in the northwest.

[518] I forget we're on radio.

[519] We should probably fucking entertain or something.

[520] No, this is entertaining.

[521] Yeah, but so you'd go, you'd play Idaho Falls.

[522] That's where I met Joey Cocoa Diaz on a triple gig in Boulder, Colorado.

[523] I was a host at the Boulder broker.

[524] The Joker broker.

[525] The Joker broker, and he came out on a Tuesday and the run was.

[526] My driver's license for a long time, because I lived on the road, I didn't have a home, the fucking joker broker's address in bold colorado i got a colorado license mike kessler mike kessler's house you bought the car from mike kessler oh that's right piece of shit that's right you bought yeah that fucking dodged neon that's right forever jay more fucking yeah spotted me in the uh parking lot of the comedy store in the late 90s and said oh dodge neon yeah you he had some condescending thing where i'm good for the environment or so what a cunt that guy is But we met on the Boulder broker run was Tuesday in Boulder, then you had Wednesday off, and then you had Thursday in Craig, Colorado, Friday, and some other Gunnison, and it ended up in Colorado Springs at some fucking barn.

[527] So Tuesdays you had to come to Boulder, and I became friends with Doug, and then Wednesday you had off, so instead of having him to stay at a hotel, he stayed at my house.

[528] That's when my wife when I first broke up, it was a condo.

[529] That's when I first met him.

[530] He was still telemarketing in Vegas.

[531] The second time he came back.

[532] he had just done evening at the improv.

[533] Yeah, yeah.

[534] And you stayed again, and that's how he became friends.

[535] I didn't see him again.

[536] He won San Francisco, and he came up to Seattle, and then I talked to.

[537] Well, it's fun when you go on one of those gigs and you meet a real comic, you know, because you never know who you're working with.

[538] Joey came into the Joker broker.

[539] He was like the House MC guy, but he didn't give a fuck.

[540] You're like, hi, I'm the comic, and he's like, I don't go.

[541] And he goes on stage.

[542] I just had to fucking push me, pull you.

[543] That's how I remember.

[544] he was doing a bit about having the shits and the vomits at the same time but you knew it was honest because you could tell by Joey's face he was a fucking sick person he was like sweating profusely and it was about having to push me pull you shits like trying to figure out which end to aim towards the toilet I got $50 a show and I would sell balance I would take 100 volumes and sell them all for $3 a piece and I would make $50 a show and a stake it was steak night and I had to go up every Tuesday in front of the same 80 people and do new material every fucking Tuesday so I'd have to get the bowl in the paper and write five minutes and no place to practice I didn't know about that I thought you just wrote it and brought it up there like you know and it was the same people and I remember that if you got them to lift their head up while they were cutting into the stake that they just paid $6 .95 for you know those type of people that was their thing on Tuesdays two comics and a stake for $14 or whatever the fuck it was you know but it's amazing how that's how i got to comedy if you can get them to look at you you did your job i did a gig once from mike clark lennie clark's brother mike clark is a great guy lennie clark is one of the legendary comedians of boston a fucking awesome guy and mike used to book me on a lot of road gigs back in the boston days and one of them booked me was the waiting room of a restaurant so it was as your people are waiting to be seated they have like a room where they all sit down i don't know why they didn't just make that part a part of the restaurant too it was real weird but they had a band and then they had a comedian so these people are just sitting around waiting and you just go up and start talking about blow jobs and taking shits or whatever stupid act I had at the time and as I'm talking like I'm in the middle of a bit right about to hit the punchline and over the PA system that I'm using it's like Johnson party of two your tables ready please come to the front desk and I'm like oh no it's it was the same sound system so every time when you were on stage, you could be in the middle of talking, and they would just start announcing people's names, and it would happen like every 15 seconds.

[545] It was the most ridiculous gig of all time.

[546] And I replaced a host that was a magician that came out with a bird on stage, but the bird would always get stuck on the lights and he would shit on him, so they had to fire him.

[547] That's who I replaced.

[548] That's how my comedy career fucking started.

[549] And I'll never forget, when I seen the parrot or whatever it was, shit on him, I went right to the manager on my dog.

[550] Because you got the hosting job was the winner of the Bex comedy competition, Bex Beer.

[551] Right.

[552] And that's how I want.

[553] You're more popular than that brand of beer right now.

[554] Yeah.

[555] Bex beer, yeah.

[556] In hindsight, yes.

[557] Bex.

[558] What happened to that beer?

[559] How come that beer never caught on?

[560] I still drink Bex.

[561] Yeah, there's something stanky to it.

[562] Bex?

[563] Yeah, it's like a little.

[564] If they're out of Heineken, you'll get a Beck.

[565] Yeah, I'll take it.

[566] People still drink Honey Brown.

[567] Remember Honey Brown?

[568] Why don't they just make it taste like Heineken?

[569] Remember Honey Brown?

[570] It was really popular in like the.

[571] like nine early 90s when you were a kid what do you think sells more becks or heineken hineken right has to i think i got commercials running is that what it is i guess so beck's got a lot of commercials dude do they haven't seen beck haven't had a bex in forever maybe i'm just prejudiced maybe i need to drop the becks go get me a beck you are pretty prejudiced with beer though i've noticed just from being a comedy clubs you're always like what the fuck is that ugh why are you drinking that you got to get a man's beer like sam adams well you start drinking those little light fairy drinks i'm like that's not really a beer God damn it try to give me a fucking light beer Get out of here bitch It's not a light beer Give me a fucking Sam Adams That's a man's beer right now There's a high I hate the beer that I like Is any beer spurn?

[572] Yeah you want some Fuck yeah son Another time Are they light beer?

[573] They're stella's and Sam Adams Sam Adams They weren't We're in Ann Adams Stella Yo we're an Ann over Mass And it was at the club Grill 93 Oh yeah And there's three clubs The time I had to follow Joey Diaz.

[574] No, no, no. And there's a...

[575] On fire.

[576] There's a...

[577] Now is nobody with a mullet.

[578] Oh, please.

[579] And he went up on stage and the middle of his set there's a priest walking by and Stanhope sees him out of a corner of his end.

[580] He goes, hey, father, where you're going?

[581] I got a tit -fuck joke to blow your fucking socks off.

[582] The whole fucking room like to shit.

[583] The priest just ran out of that.

[584] Me and Chris motherfucking McGuire.

[585] That's who it was.

[586] I think that that might have been A -Cu -A -Coo.

[587] A -Coo.

[588] A -Coo.

[589] Me, you and Chris McGuire.

[590] What a beer, Joey?

[591] Yeah, no, no, I'm good.

[592] We did, uh, we did, the priest was there with my dad.

[593] We did Aku -A -Waku on Friday night, but we did grill 93 on Saturday night.

[594] That's where I had to follow you in that monster fucking, I was booed off stage.

[595] No, he was.

[596] Not this is that fucking.

[597] I got boot off stage where I followed Jim Brewer once.

[598] Really?

[599] Yeah, Nannuette, New York, I think it was.

[600] Maybe not Nannuette.

[601] Somewhere, somewhere in the outside of New York, it was humiliating.

[602] Oh, I died a brutal.

[603] a horrible death.

[604] I didn't, I didn't know how to, um, get myself out of a bad mindset back then.

[605] And if I, if anything happened bad during the day, if I got in a fight with a chick, anything that went wrong, I could spiral on stage.

[606] Like, I could do good.

[607] I could hold it together.

[608] But I really had no business headlining.

[609] And Brewer was having good sets all week.

[610] We were both having good sets.

[611] There were fun crowds.

[612] But on the last show on Saturday night, it was a late show and the crowd was fucking drunk and he killed.

[613] He fucking killed.

[614] And I was standing backstage, and this is one of my manager, had just convinced me to start dressing nice.

[615] So I was wearing, like, club pants.

[616] I was wearing, like, a nice pair of slacks and some nice shoes.

[617] And I looked like the most unfunny fuck on earth.

[618] And I knew it, and I felt it.

[619] Like, I'm, like, dressed like this fucking stylish douchebag, and I'm going to go on stage, and I don't dress like this.

[620] This is not how I would dress if I was hanging out with my friends.

[621] Like, this is not comfortable.

[622] This is fucking the clothes of an asshole.

[623] And so I felt backstage, I was like, shit.

[624] I'm like, I can't be thinking like this.

[625] I can't be thinking that I shouldn't be dressed like this.

[626] But I couldn't help it.

[627] And my knee was fucked up at the time.

[628] I had just gotten, my ACL had just torn.

[629] I hadn't had the surgery yet.

[630] So I couldn't move good on stage.

[631] If I moved funny one way or another, my leg would pop out.

[632] So I had all this shit in my head.

[633] Like, oh, what if my knee pops out?

[634] Fuck, I don't feel funny.

[635] And I went on stage and just ate dick.

[636] I mean every joke that came out of my mouth I didn't know how to say it right my timing was off I was panicking and the worst part about it was this dude fucking in the crowd goes man you're not fucking funny and I couldn't say anything to him I couldn't say anything to him because I know he's right you know all I can say to him is you're not helping this is not helping you know but there's nothing in that this is you know just pointing out that he's an asshole he knows he's an asshole he thinks he's entitled to be an asshole he paid to see my my shitty act you know and uh that was a huge learning point for me man about uh the mindset that you have to have when you go on stage when you're young and your you know your life is in disorder and you go on stage like that you could have a goddamn tailspin you know and at the comedy store bombing one night and at the fuck it's great though let me let me just great though address the fucking elephant in my head oh shit yeah i'm fucked you're gonna be You're going to be fine.

[637] Listen, this is not...

[638] Joey and I are going to come with you.

[639] No, I can't go to Bray.

[640] All right.

[641] I'm going to come with.

[642] Brian and I will come with you.

[643] I can't break.

[644] Shit.

[645] I will come with you.

[646] I am fuck.

[647] We're going to be fine.

[648] Whatever you passed that, like, I don't smoke pod.

[649] You're on mushrooms, pal.

[650] You're on mushrooms.

[651] The pot hands is it?

[652] Oh, the 5HDP.

[653] You got 22 fucking pills in you.

[654] I want you to, I want you to, what do you expect?

[655] I want to just throw out a quick disclaimer.

[656] I'm even.

[657] going to smoke a cigarette.

[658] That's how wide you motherfuckers got me now.

[659] I don't even need to find a I really have no concept of fucking time like I was staring at you with a backdrop.

[660] Don't worry about it.

[661] Let it go.

[662] I haven't talked to like...

[663] This is what I was going to tell you.

[664] But it seems like I can.

[665] Okay.

[666] I'm going to help you right here.

[667] I'm going to help you right here.

[668] Yeah, I'm good.

[669] You're tripping.

[670] I'm not.

[671] So let me take care of everything.

[672] Everything.

[673] I'll get you to your show.

[674] You live on this weed.

[675] Yeah, yeah.

[676] You're fine.

[677] The mushrooms you're not afraid of.

[678] The weed is what's freaking out?

[679] And there's more what I came from.

[680] I was just introspective juice, bro.

[681] I was.

[682] I was It taps you into the fucking nature of the universe.

[683] Oh, I was just getting out the fucking, like, the problems that I had my head.

[684] And then, well, I'll be fine.

[685] Now, I just wanted to say, I really don't have any concept of time right now.

[686] Good, good.

[687] I got it.

[688] Well, I handle it.

[689] Okay, so you can, good.

[690] You said it so that now it's my responsibility.

[691] I'm going to get you to your show.

[692] Who are you working with tonight?

[693] I'm not worried about anything.

[694] But I wanted you to not.

[695] I was looking at you kind of melting, like, wanting to say.

[696] But I didn't want to interrupt your story.

[697] is a fuck you're beautiful baby look at me with these oh i got glasses on i'm not a i'm not fucking i'm not fucking 22 fucking kicking on the couch saying call 9 -1 -1 no fuck i did uh stanhope and i did dmt one weird thing i had to get out of my step stanhope and i did dmt and stanhope went into like almost like a semi -seizure and uh it was the only time i'd ever been around anybody who did dmt yeah that's what when you came out but before you came out of it you were moaning man you're like this.

[698] And it was like you got knocked out, dude.

[699] It was the same sound that a guy makes when he gets brutally knocked out.

[700] When a guy just gets fucking smashed, they have this...

[701] Like the guy last night, the ultimate fighter, the first fight.

[702] I didn't see the fights last night.

[703] Fucking spoiler alert, Joey.

[704] Well, I don't know who it happened to, so thanks for not saying the names.

[705] But I'm going to go check it out tonight.

[706] This weekend, man, I wish you could come.

[707] You're not around this weekend.

[708] No, I'm busy this weekend.

[709] Domirera is coming.

[710] Don Marrera's coming to the fights.

[711] Ari's coming.

[712] Is he working Dom Herrera in Vegas?

[713] No, no, he's just coming down and see the fights.

[714] Okay.

[715] And there's a perfect, you know, Domaira is really good at pool.

[716] Right.

[717] And Domirera and I play pool sometimes.

[718] We're going to go watch some professionals gamble.

[719] There's this thing called the ActionReport .com, and they have like professional pool players, and they have these big high -level gambling matches where they all pool together, like $50, $100 ,000.

[720] And, you know, like the buy -in is usually like $10 ,000 each guy, and then they bet a bunch of money on the side.

[721] Brian, that shit is really distracting.

[722] I'm trying to put something on it.

[723] No, no, not as distracting.

[724] Not as distracting is.

[725] That's Joey's breathing.

[726] He's breathing.

[727] I was on opi and Anthony.

[728] Like the fucking Darth Vader.

[729] I was on opi and Anthony the other day and I was listening to it when I was in my car.

[730] And Bobby Kelly's like, Joe, what are you fucking breathing?

[731] What's up with you're breathing?

[732] And I didn't hear it when I was on the phone.

[733] But then I was listening on the radio.

[734] I have a stupid headset and it sits in front of my nostrils.

[735] So as, you know, I'm talking to my, I don't even realize I'm doing this.

[736] It was the most annoying fucking thing ever.

[737] So all you who were listening that day, I'm really sorry.

[738] I did not know that I was making those annoying noises in the background.

[739] That's going to be some great fights this weekend and motherfucking next weekend.

[740] Oh, yeah.

[741] Oh, absolutely.

[742] You got John Jones Machita.

[743] You got some great.

[744] They just announced Ellen Burger against Diego Sanchez.

[745] Eve Edwards versus El Cucui on Spike TV.

[746] Oh, shit.

[747] What about fucking Phil Davis against Rashad?

[748] They're finally doing that in February or January.

[749] You're going to Japan.

[750] I love it.

[751] Naham and Bisping is going to be a crazy fight.

[752] Five rounds, too, five rounds.

[753] Yes, it is.

[754] That's going to be a great fucking fight.

[755] God, I wish you were going to be there.

[756] Yeah, we'd go for him.

[757] Ari Shafir is going to be there, the ladies and gentlemen, and he's also going to be playing his famous R .A. Shafir, wait, wait, wait.

[758] Non -U -F -C -sponsored, non -U -S -C sanction, hunt for the edible.

[759] I don't know what that means, but if you want to follow it, and I have no connection to this whatsoever.

[760] Go to Ari Shafir on Twitter at A -R -I -S -H -H -A -F -F -I -R.

[761] And he may or may not be hiding weed plays.

[762] Arii listen to the UFC on Fox.

[763] Ari showed up with a bag of Carmel's.

[764] All right, Ari always has 29 ,000 edibles close by.

[765] He had a day, I called him, I go, I can't believe.

[766] He's a savage.

[767] I call him up, I can't believe I'm in traffic.

[768] He goes, now, you know, I always have weed in my car.

[769] Yeah.

[770] And he talked me into rolling the joint on the 405.

[771] He goes, roll it.

[772] Who gives the fuck?

[773] Smoke it.

[774] You rolled it while you're stuck in traffic?

[775] Fuck yeah.

[776] That's beautiful.

[777] One fucking hand, old school.

[778] You know what I like, man?

[779] I don't mind being in my car in traffic as long as I got that hands -free system.

[780] Yeah, it's great.

[781] You can talk to people on the phone.

[782] It's not bad, man. You have a conversation.

[783] You know, I have, like, nice, long conversations with friends.

[784] Well, you catch up.

[785] Yeah.

[786] Now you catch up on 20 phone calls you've been.

[787] Everybody's texting.

[788] That's all everybody does is text these days.

[789] You know, the calls to calls to text.

[790] It's like text is five to one, you know.

[791] Have you been doing any of the Siri texting while you're in the car?

[792] No, as soon as I found out that Siri goes to a fucking database, I just said, why am I doing this?

[793] Yeah, everything you do goes to a database.

[794] And I was like, I don't, you know.

[795] I thought you were, like, talking about that fucking shit that we were talking about.

[796] Oh, that's another thing.

[797] Yeah.

[798] Well, you know, Apparently that was in iOS, the iPhone operating system for in a diagnostic mode only back in the day, but it's not in it like Android phones.

[799] Brian and I are talking about some new thing that came out.

[800] What is it called IQ client?

[801] Yeah, IQ client.

[802] Something like that.

[803] Isn't it, is there a reason why they say it's in there?

[804] Have they released that?

[805] I don't think anybody has figured it out yet.

[806] It's just been recently discovered.

[807] And what it is for the folks who don't know what the fuck we're talking about, when you buy an Android phone, Doug Stanhope, you have an Android.

[808] phone now, all right?

[809] You fucked up.

[810] You should have went iPhone.

[811] I know you tried to be a nice contrarian and go against the tide.

[812] I would, I got what they had.

[813] I go give me one of those things I can fucking see.

[814] So I don't have to put on reading glasses.

[815] Well, they apparently every time you send a text, it logs it in a database somewhere.

[816] It stores it.

[817] Every key press.

[818] Every number you press.

[819] Everything you do is logged in a database somewhere.

[820] It's all right.

[821] My girlfriend doesn't get on the line much.

[822] So what you're telling me that's not even it.

[823] You think these are only people that do this Joe Broke?

[824] No, no, it's not that I don't think it's that it's been proven, and that's where it gets interesting.

[825] It's not that I don't think other people have done it.

[826] I mean, I think the FBI and the CIA has been trying to do this, trying to have the ability to spy on people, and you know, the argument is well, if you're not doing anything wrong, what are you worried about?

[827] Yeah, but that's not...

[828] The point is, it can be done, so it will be so you get in the fucking database, like Yeah, but it's...

[829] And then manipulate that.

[830] That's a...

[831] It's a shit argument, that argument, like, if you're not doing anything wrong, what are you worried about it?

[832] That's a shit, are you?

[833] They're still in your fucking life.

[834] They shouldn't be finding every fucking number you press.

[835] Then let me film you poop.

[836] I want to see how much you do you look at the paper.

[837] You're not doing anything wrong.

[838] Yeah, let me do it.

[839] Let me watch.

[840] But I also don't want somebody to know how many times I do happy faces, you know, or stupid stuff like that.

[841] You know, right.

[842] Like I do stuff that I'm like.

[843] Happy faces all day.

[844] Yeah.

[845] What's wrong with that?

[846] It's not their business.

[847] At the other end of this fucking wire, there's the human being that does that.

[848] And he'll be dead with all that in for me. Give some fun.

[849] No, it's not that, man. You know what the real picture is?

[850] It's not that.

[851] What the real picture is is that we're losing all of our secrets.

[852] Yeah.

[853] And it's going to come to a point in time where there will be no secrets at all.

[854] Yeah, absolute honesty.

[855] Yeah, absolute honesty.

[856] But, yeah, it's like you can't fight this.

[857] It's a compelling thought.

[858] It is a compelling thought.

[859] But it's, you know, everyone's terrified of it because it's being controlled by a group of us.

[860] It's by one, one group of the population.

[861] The people who, you know, have this information that's being controlled by them.

[862] And we don't like the idea of anybody having any control over any of us because we know it's natural human nature to want to dominate people.

[863] So when you see something like this and there's just a database that records everything you foot, that's inevitable, right?

[864] I mean, if this is the direction that it's going, if you look at like just how interconnected everybody is with Facebook now and, you know, you just look at like that's a reason.

[865] It's going in that direction.

[866] The person in the cubicle next to you is now a celebrity because she can ego surf herself and go, yeah, oh, fucking Candy Stouffer is a fucking cunt.

[867] She talks too loud her breath smells like yeah and that's just because the fucking person next to you in the cubicle that you bitch at every morning is Facebooking about you so yeah and you could get famous where with one fucking YouTube video you're gonna have one YouTube video you put up there and you can get famous and you'll be as famous as the next YouTube video unless you're really good but that's a good thing yeah it is a good thing yeah the whole thing's amazing it's Remember Clear Channel?

[868] Just the word struck fear.

[869] What a fucking corporate.

[870] I don't even know if they exist anymore.

[871] I think they do.

[872] Well, because this is what matters.

[873] Yeah, podcasts.

[874] What people, I was about to dump serious because, but now you're getting a show on serious.

[875] Well, we've been on series for a while on Saturday and Sunday, but fucking dump it.

[876] Who gives a shit?

[877] No, no. Don't dump it, Joe.

[878] You don't want to dump serious radio.

[879] I love, I love serious.

[880] I love serious.

[881] I'm just not telling you what to do it.

[882] I knew I could get it in my car.

[883] I'd listen, I get a fucking drive an hour and a half to an airport every car.

[884] Yeah, you can get it in your car.

[885] Yeah, I get serious.

[886] Dude, yes, every weekend we're on the Opie and Anthony channel.

[887] I wish we had free...

[888] I used to be the virus, but now it was the Opie and Anthony channel.

[889] Joe, we should give free passes from Sirius at least.

[890] Yeah, it's ridiculous.

[891] See, we could give Doug a free year right now.

[892] Yeah, we pay for our own serious.

[893] Talk good about serious here.

[894] But, yeah, it's fun.

[895] It's cool.

[896] I love the fact that we could be in the car.

[897] And I listen to series every day.

[898] I listen to O .P. Anthony, basically every day.

[899] Ron and Fez, and I listen to the...

[900] news CNN there's a lot of good talk radio stations like I have this built -in thing I can't get the XM things for some reason really was that or maybe I haven't no you can't you can't now either I maybe just need to up your I got a package I have stern CNN BBC yeah I get there's no music on my fucking presets no it's all yeah I have classic vinyl because every now and then I'll hit it for a goof and something go ooh yeah I forgot that one you have a record player in your car no classic vinyl's a station you you fuck get it oh brian you buffoon need to get no brian sure what the fuck bro come on dog i i don't dog it's only four 30 i got it's only 4 30 cars i just i just i know oh good it's only 4 30 oh you got tons of time guys yeah no i just yeah i wanted to actually put a fucking my watch on the table as a like they dropped a bomb on me late so um are you coming uh December 30th that UFC Brock Lesnar versus Alastair Overeem no I'm gonna do new years with you okay we're gonna do um we're gonna do a um a Vegas show in February around like Super Bowl time right the fourth yeah we're gonna do another one mad big big big one big one big two UFC questions a does anyone in the UFC do any of the fighters not like you I get along with pretty much everyone yeah I don't have any problems with it.

[901] If I do, I always straighten it out.

[902] It's a difficult thing when you're criticizing people that can beat the fuck out of you.

[903] And you're criticizing them about their ability to beat the fuck out of each other.

[904] And you've got to go look, man. I'm not saying I can do it better than you because that's the automatic presumption.

[905] I'm just saying this is what you're doing wrong.

[906] I can see it.

[907] Now, who's fighting for the Super Bowl Sunday?

[908] Who's fighting the Super Bowl?

[909] Earlier, did you say Bispings not fighting the fucking guy from the show again?

[910] No, Bispings fighting mayhem.

[911] Oh, okay.

[912] Yeah, I thought I heard a different name.

[913] No, they're fighting and they're fighting this weekend.

[914] This is a fucking huge fight for Mayhem.

[915] And for, you know, for Bisping, this is, you know, this brings him into, like, top contender status.

[916] If he beats Mayhem, you know, he's right up there with everybody else.

[917] Does Mayhem have credits other than the, oh, yeah, stupid, fraudulent VH?

[918] It wasn't fraudulent.

[919] It was irresponsible, perhaps, but.

[920] No, just like, not fraudulent from just a viewer's level.

[921] like oh yeah they have a beef and they're gonna a change jar cocks sucker that's what you thought of I rub your fucking change that's why Joey jingles I don't see I'm on UFC dot com they don't have the Super Bowl card up yet as big as that's how big as it's more of a jar Joey don't have the Super Bowl card up here unfortunately we can all talk about Joey jingles watch your fucking change jar people showy jingles that's your new nickname the only time is that fucking time showy jingles the only time i got in trouble i would steal change out of cars and shit was when i was an open micer open micr and i sold cars and at night i was living in the city and i needed chains to get back over the fucking bridge and i would steal quarters or dimes to get a dollar 35 or something but this is this is it was one of those periods and this is this is what you always have to worry when when your friends are telling you they don't do drugs.

[922] That's when you worry about them.

[923] When they go, yeah, I'm fucking doing heroin fucking sage all night.

[924] That's a guy you can trust.

[925] Right.

[926] It's a guy who, no, I cleaned up.

[927] Do you need any landscaping done?

[928] Yeah.

[929] You need me to house sit while you're gone.

[930] I've cleaned up.

[931] That was some fucking crazy times.

[932] Those are some crazy fucking times, man. I really don't have this Joey Jingles thing is like, young Hollywood days.

[933] I hope he's not really fixated.

[934] Crazy days.

[935] It's just a weird thought that came into my head about a change jar and gillie jingles.

[936] I remember being at the coach, coaching horses, coaked up to the point where I couldn't talk, looking to my left and seeing James Ganslifini there with two of the hottest fucking blondes you ever seen your life, ready to get his dick sucked.

[937] Looking at me and he's as whacked up as I am.

[938] Like him looking at me and me looking at him going, what I'm doing?

[939] And me being fucked up with that friend of yours, the girl.

[940] I mean, that was...

[941] Me and Hedberg went in there.

[942] as when he lived on Sierra Benita I was fucking staying on his couch and we went in there as like a like a dare who were danger like we always walk past it's right up the fucking street and then you realize how cool it was and no one was in there there they had this bartender named ginger ginger she was like fucking throw mama from the train you know mama yeah she was that fucked up and she like and she was covered in liver spots or cranked She's still alive?

[943] No, she fucking, they booted.

[944] This is all fucking 90s, but yeah, they, they, she'd been a bartender there for, since it's heyday before.

[945] Wow.

[946] You know how dive bars go.

[947] Yeah.

[948] They go through it.

[949] So they couldn't fire her and those old alcoholic ran it, but she, she was let, she threw a blind guy out of the bar for having a dog.

[950] There's no dogs!

[951] And then the regulars that knew her were trying to explain, no, it's a seeing eye dog he's a he's blind I don't care no dogs wow this is like horrific fucking human being you'd be sitting at you'd sit at the bar and and you your drink is out and am I good yeah no everyone's listening to me so I got thrown off it's just the sound of Joey's breathing and the silence together was disturbing from you know you'd have an empty drink and she'd go out you need another one and and people and say, uh, no, I'm good right now.

[952] And she go, this isn't a bus stop.

[953] Wow.

[954] Like, there was, that's why there was no one in there.

[955] But then you'd fucking, next thing you know, you're fucking doing, it was Quentin Tarantino, I think we're doing it.

[956] It's me in, like, Hedberg and Quentin Tarantino.

[957] And that's it in this dive shit hole.

[958] It's closed now, right?

[959] Yeah.

[960] Remember we used to play tennis?

[961] Oh, that place is closed?

[962] Tenets.

[963] Remember we used to get tennis rackets and play tennis?

[964] I have pictures of it, yeah.

[965] Me, him and Headberg.

[966] What was the, kid with the long hair from Seattle that was an Ireland doing comedy and he Shard Hogan or something?

[967] Oh my God.

[968] All those guys And then Dave Fulton Dave Fulton Stanhope had a rent a car that was in front of his house Again, you could just jump in it and drive it whenever you need it but the gash gaze was broken I got busted one time in Santa Monica San Vicente on fucking rush hour because you know you just get in a car I have an audition standoff I'm in a bind take the car boom getting a fucking car ran out of gas oh my god no fucking there's the gas gauge is broken that's what you have the fucking idea another night stand hope is out of town or something like that he goes take the car seline and seline goes take the car and just bring it to stanhope's in the morning i park it on sunset they fucking tow it the white neon 200 dollars for the white neon to take it yeah yeah yeah 10 of the fucking remember when you lived in venice in that house that was painted like the American flag Yeah, they painted it right after 9 -11 They painted this giant It was a duplex and they It was fucking giant stars And fucking stripes Oh, so Super Bowl weekend is Diaz versus St. Pierre.

[969] Oh shit, yeah, I don't know if St. Pierre is fully repaired though He's repaired.

[970] He had an injury.

[971] The anger he had from listening to Diaz healed the fucking thing.

[972] Just healed it.

[973] I hope so.

[974] He a lot of other fights.

[975] Carlis Condit, Josh Kosh.

[976] Listen, let's stop fucking talking like fans and talk like men.

[977] We don't watch GSP for his knees, all right?

[978] Keep wearing those tight fucking shorts.

[979] I love you, motherfucker.

[980] Do you like the fact that he shaved?

[981] Is that what it is?

[982] I don't know what it is.

[983] Sunday, we're going to have a show here at the ice house.

[984] 8 p .m.?

[985] Is that what it is, Brian?

[986] Yeah.

[987] Podcast starts at seven shows at 8 o 'clock.

[988] Powerful, ladies and gentlemen.

[989] Joe Diaz, ladies and gentlemen, follow him on Twitter.

[990] It's Mad Flavor.

[991] Mad flavor, bitch.

[992] Bitches.

[993] Funniest fucking guy in the world.

[994] I love you, love you too, man. I'll see you Sunday.

[995] Oh, Jesus.

[996] Powerful, Joe Diaz.

[997] Ralphie Mae was making out with your mom?

[998] Oh, yeah.

[999] We were...

[1000] Whoa, wait a minute.

[1001] We had talked my...

[1002] Oh, yeah, yeah, the cats.

[1003] I fucking said.

[1004] I still talk about that my act.

[1005] I still talk about that my act.

[1006] And stand home of mother's cat died.

[1007] So she had a wait for the cat And she put a little towel And she put the fucking towel And she had all the cats Sit around the dead cat Look at them And express their condolences for the cat And I told Mrs. Stano And I told Mrs. Stanthold She goes, look at them They love the cat I don't love this sitting around And going how we're going to get that ear I need that leg I need that tail Because everybody was missing something A mother was great with cats If a cat was missing a leg That belonged to Mrs. Stanthold Fuck it And that leads me into Plugging the Tucson Tucson, uh, Tucson, December 10th, December 10th, Tucson.

[1008] Fucking Joey Diaz says he's showing up.

[1009] Sean Rouse says he's showing up.

[1010] What is it?

[1011] But we already have Brendan, uh, Brendan Walsh, Brody Stevens.

[1012] It's Saturday, December 10th.

[1013] What is it?

[1014] Where you're at?

[1015] It's, uh, the Rialto Theater in, uh, Tucson.

[1016] Oh, wow, that sounds awesome.

[1017] What is it for?

[1018] It's a, I, I, I, it's a benefit for the Humane Society.

[1019] Oh, really?

[1020] Every fucking penny.

[1021] I'm paying comics, fucking airfares.

[1022] Really?

[1023] Oh, that's awesome, man. Nothing's coming out of the gate.

[1024] I got that surgery.

[1025] I had a fucking umbilical hernia.

[1026] So I just put on my website as a joke.

[1027] Is it, uh, yeah, uh, if you, I have this, I describe the problem.

[1028] So it's a belly button hernia, which is your fucking intestines pouring out of your guts.

[1029] Oh, my God.

[1030] But the fatter and older I got, the more pronounced it became and people are like, you got to get that check.

[1031] Anyway, I put on my website, I'll give you a, if you're a surgeon out there, I'll give you a free DVD if you give me free surgery, and I got it.

[1032] Really?

[1033] Free surgery.

[1034] What is it like gotten under some, a fan that's going to put you under and open you up?

[1035] It wasn't fucking wilds and whites of West Virginia fucking oxy cotton.

[1036] I can fix anything kind of surgery.

[1037] It was a respectable doctor.

[1038] Yeah, no, they were anesthesiologists that were fans.

[1039] and you look like Robert De Niro at some points and I'm trying to fucking ignore a lot of things that are going on in my head but which Robert De Niro, the Cape Fear one I don't know your fucking head's just it does that naturally but it's kind of twisting out of control do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do That's so funny It's all going to be groovy What is the story?

[1040] Who knows?

[1041] It could be anything.

[1042] what any idea what his story was about i can't remember something about uh ralphie may making out with your mom oh yeah that's right oh yeah that's what it was supposed to that's where it was supposed to go yeah what was i fucking was i talking about my mother no i think i think joey dyes just did one of those things where he just ran out and he's like oh i'm i drop this bomb and run you know what i mean it's so important man guys like him man so important it's so important to meet dudes that are just out there on the fringes.

[1043] We were randomly talking about this last night or this morning about people that you know that are funnier than any comics, you know.

[1044] They fucking died.

[1045] They're like, oh, comedy lost a master.

[1046] No, that was a funny dude at a bar.

[1047] I have so many people I know that are just fucking funny.

[1048] And they just never get in a stand -up.

[1049] My manager is funnier than me, and I know it fucking destroys them.

[1050] This is just genuinely brilliant and funny.

[1051] My manager's funny.

[1052] My business manager's funny.

[1053] My business manager.

[1054] But as funny as comics are funny.

[1055] Yeah, he could be a comic.

[1056] They could easily.

[1057] Both of them could have been comics if they wanted to be.

[1058] Yeah.

[1059] I know a lot of people that could have been comics.

[1060] There's a lot of them, you know.

[1061] And it's a funny thing.

[1062] It's who decides to take that road.

[1063] Who decides not to?

[1064] Same.

[1065] But, you know, those people that could have done it, man. They're the same type of people to be around.

[1066] You know, some of the, like, The guys I used to hang out with at the pool Funniest fucking human beings I ever met They were just derelicks Yeah Gambling junkies and they're just Wild motherfuckers Just dudes who they weren't fitting into some 9 to 5 suit job It wasn't working out for them And it wasn't even like comics Where comics try to say something funny On purpose, they're just funny people Exactly They're not working on it They're not working on a bit Yeah Joey Diaz just fucking Yeah I mean come on what it cliche is yeah You can read the phone book But he's just he's that funny.

[1067] Do you remember the early days when dudes would actually try bits on you?

[1068] That's the worst.

[1069] Oh yeah, no, I still get it.

[1070] I do it all the time.

[1071] You do it all the time to people?

[1072] I don't do, I don't like, it's not a bit.

[1073] It's something I think of that's funny and I'm just like, oh, I'll just say it out loud to see if I think it's fun, if everyone thinks it's funny or if, you know, but it's not like I'm, I've been writing this bit for many, many weeks and I can't you know what I mean.

[1074] You know, like it's more something I just thought of maybe like that minute, you know?

[1075] So you're not sure.

[1076] So you try it out on people?

[1077] I don't really.

[1078] If you're open about trying it out, if you're saying, hey, listen, I'm working on this bit.

[1079] Right.

[1080] Do you have any ideas?

[1081] No, he'll just fucking force this in the conversation.

[1082] I won't even say what city because he'd know.

[1083] But there was a comic, like an old, like fucking 30 some plus years in the business in the green room.

[1084] I haven't seen it in so long.

[1085] You haven't worked out.

[1086] And he starts telling me. He's fucking giving it away with that voice.

[1087] no no it's no one you you probably know okay yeah no it's a British guy no no no no no no no no black British British sorry sorry I'm happy I'm talking like this is so anyway no no I'm good I'm good I'm gonna fucking power through this oh yeah so he's fucking riffs all these jokes but at bam like from the as conversation but he's doing a guest set oh my and then goes immediately from the green room and has the exact same conversation that we just had in the green room as a set.

[1088] Oh, you know what he did?

[1089] He just ear -fucked you.

[1090] He just made you sit and listen to his set so he could warm up.

[1091] That's what he did.

[1092] Wow.

[1093] But it was, I mean, it was almost immediate.

[1094] Like, hey, well.

[1095] Perfect for him.

[1096] He's like, if I can get it off in front of Stanhope, I'll be fun.

[1097] No, but it was someone I've known for like, it was Yeah, but he doesn't care.

[1098] There's there's these people that are basically almost sociopathic.

[1099] You know, their desire to succeed and the desire to like do well on stage supersedes everything supersedes being a human yeah you know and they don't care if they just use you to get their shit off and practice before they go on stage you're gonna my friend I'm gonna practice on you know you my friend suck my dick they just mouth they're just ear fucking you instead of fucking your mouth they're fucking your ear like they want to get off in your mouth they can't Finnegan had the their talk blockers talk blockers that's a good way of putting it yeah There's people that just want to talk at you, man. That's the cocaine effect.

[1100] I don't know what that is, but I've noticed, you know, I'm very ignorant to the effects of cocaine.

[1101] The only insight that I have is the one time that you and I drank that matta de cocoa tea.

[1102] It was the same time that we, the whole day of the war.

[1103] Oh, yeah, all right.

[1104] And I remember saying, I can't shut the fuck up.

[1105] Like, I've got a real problem.

[1106] I cannot shut the fuck up.

[1107] I'll give you a podcast.

[1108] I'll give you an analogy that might work.

[1109] You know when you're.

[1110] you're writing really well and you're like, fuck and I do this to bingo you fucking just be with me because my head's going faster than I can write and I just bounce ideas off of her on perp that's what cocaine is like where you're fucking okay I'm rapid cycling no you need to hear this because my fucking brain's going and right but it's two people doing that at the same time and it's all fucking pointless and it's a bad notebook it's inorganic yeah well is Adderall the medium then because a lot of people that run Atterol day.

[1111] They mean, but what is, what's the difference between the, the cocaine high and a speed high?

[1112] Well, I know Adderall is very much a lot like cocaine.

[1113] It makes me feel like I'm even getting drips because it just is like a constant reminder that it feels like I'm on cocaine.

[1114] Wow.

[1115] But it seems like it lasts longer and like where cocaine, you feel this like up and then like 15 minutes later.

[1116] Cocaine is just like a jolt where for me, Adderall, that just gives me anxiety.

[1117] Yeah.

[1118] It's a long term.

[1119] I'm like, I don't, I, I like the, uh, the cella, what do you call it?

[1120] The practice of doing Coke.

[1121] I like the chopping up and doing a line is really romantic.

[1122] And if you do it in the fucking comedy, like the comedy store green room of the, the main stage green room in the comedy store.

[1123] Just like, I want to chop up a rail.

[1124] That mirror is just covered.

[1125] I want a piano.

[1126] But it's mirrored.

[1127] Honestly.

[1128] It's a mirrored piano.

[1129] But it's not a real piano.

[1130] Like you do Red Bullers, like I can do a, yeah, boom, okay, I do a bump and I move on with my life.

[1131] It's like a fucking energy drink now.

[1132] Yeah.

[1133] Yeah, really?

[1134] Wow, that's amazing.

[1135] But it's, yeah, it's the whole act of it is.

[1136] I was on the highway once.

[1137] I was like 18 years old.

[1138] I was with my friends.

[1139] We were driving home, and we were in Revere.

[1140] We're near Kelly's roast beef.

[1141] It's fucking really sketchy neighborhood with a great place to get fried clams.

[1142] And as we're driving, we see this car.

[1143] beside us and the people in the backseat had the light on they had the dome line on and they were doing coke and the girl looks over me i looked at her and she just goes to fuck you she just looks at me and has this fucking evil look at her face fuck you and i'm like whoa i didn't know all i did was look over you caught you doing coke and she's going and i was like okay so but it's weird how a little thing like that will scare you off of it yeah yeah there was that The first time I did acid, we lived in Vegas, I lived with this family, we're all, like, renting from her.

[1144] But there was kids in the fucking, they'd play basketball in the driveway every day.

[1145] And like, you know, eight to 12 years old every day.

[1146] And the first time I did acid, we took it.

[1147] And I'm having a fun time.

[1148] And I'm like, this is fucking good.

[1149] And then we went back in for a second hit.

[1150] And I put the acid on my tongue.

[1151] And then we walked back out.

[1152] into this I'm fucking tripping hard and there's a bunch of kids little kids playing basketball and someone threw me the basketball so I inhaled still had the paper on my tongue and it stuck to the fucking clitoris in the back of your throat so I puked into my mouth in front of kids where but I'm consciously thinking I don't want to lose the hit of acid that I just put so I'm I have a mouthful of puke trying not to so I try to swallow the puke which which makes you puke way harder than anything else.

[1153] So I just, I extreme vomit in front of all these horrified children.

[1154] It's four in the afternoon.

[1155] And I start picking through the puke because I sell, I don't want to lose that hit of acid.

[1156] Oh my God.

[1157] And I found the acid in my puke and I wiped it off in my beer neck.

[1158] Would it even still work?

[1159] But just the looks on the faces of the children.

[1160] where some guy that was just your neighbor guy kind of guy is coming out.

[1161] And now he's rummaging through his own vomit in the afternoon.

[1162] Such a beautiful image.

[1163] And that might queer those kids off and do an acid, is my point.

[1164] You know what?

[1165] Much like you are queered off Coke from a finger.

[1166] Some man in a mullet rummaging through his vomit on a side street in Vegas.

[1167] Oh, my God.

[1168] That might make you think.

[1169] But it was one of the.

[1170] the best nights of my life did you tell this day it was one of the that fucking trip was still legendary like yeah just from eating that dude did you think it when you put it back in your mouth it it hit you harder oh well it was a second hit the point is the no it was my first time tripping so i was already on one hit and wanted more of course let's do more uh yeah that probably did queer them off it yeah probably just much Is it okay to say queer the Moffat?

[1171] No. I'm just so happy.

[1172] I remembered why I started the story is because you were talking about the cocaine and the woman.

[1173] That seems like 40 minutes ago.

[1174] It was a long time ago.

[1175] Really?

[1176] I'm so fucking.

[1177] It was weird when you started taking a nap just right there.

[1178] You took like a little nap.

[1179] Do you remember?

[1180] Did I?

[1181] Brian's fucking with you.

[1182] Don't do that, Brian.

[1183] Don't fuck with dudes that are tripping on.

[1184] Oh, come on.

[1185] That was not fucking.

[1186] I'm sorry.

[1187] All right, fellow.

[1188] Settle though.

[1189] Your cigarette went out?

[1190] I never.

[1191] The new cigarette.

[1192] It went out.

[1193] Yeah, well, I guess I talked for a minute.

[1194] I thought cigarettes just designed to burn forever.

[1195] There's been a lot of the show that are just sitting listening to in my car and I'm like, oh, wait, I'm on it.

[1196] Fuck, I got to talk.

[1197] I was just a huge fan sitting back for a while.

[1198] In California, they actually have these new cigarettes where they stop burning after certain parts of the cigarette.

[1199] Oh, that's only California.

[1200] We were talking about that.

[1201] Like, that was a fad, like childproof lighters, but it's a California thing.

[1202] Well, I don't know if it's all California or if they just did them for all cigarettes, but it's so that people, when they flick them out their windows, it will go out and not blow and catch a fire.

[1203] Yeah.

[1204] It seems like it would be, how did they do that?

[1205] What kind of chemical is that?

[1206] Who knows what the fuck they're putting in there anyway?

[1207] The FDA, Food and Drug Administration, those what is?

[1208] They approved more than 500 different chemicals that are in cigarettes.

[1209] Well, that's fantastic for Philip Morris, who I've just put.

[1210] Did you buy stock?

[1211] Did you buy some Philip Morris stock?

[1212] The other day, yeah, my fucking accountant, you know, do something, your money or something.

[1213] Is that he talks to you?

[1214] Well, no, it is an accountant.

[1215] Brennan Walsh.

[1216] I, well, no, that's how I hear it.

[1217] It's just, yeah, well, for, like, trying to tell me about a rainy day.

[1218] Like, I, I've actually said that to him.

[1219] I go, I don't really have that much confidence in saving for later.

[1220] so yeah let's just uh just keep it in the bank well you can i get it with an ATM all right that's all i care about just kind of hope it's still real right but yeah no i had to get comedy accounts they're very cool but it was when when they're trying to talk to you real business like and you go yeah i probably won't be alive then oh how do we talk So you got an accountant that's just a regular dude?

[1221] No, he's the comics accountant.

[1222] He has like 500 comics.

[1223] I want a name drop.

[1224] I can't remember his name.

[1225] But it's something Jewish.

[1226] So he's still shocked?

[1227] Harvey Altman and his kid.

[1228] They're fucking big comedy fans.

[1229] Well, that's cool.

[1230] So what he's trying to do is he's trying to do is.

[1231] Or Scheister's.

[1232] And we'll find out soon.

[1233] That does happen upon occasion.

[1234] They've done well by me. You've been Scheisted?

[1235] No, I said they've done it.

[1236] Well, by you.

[1237] That was my plug.

[1238] I have to always mention Harvey Altman.

[1239] Have you heard about...

[1240] After I stutter and try to remember his name.

[1241] Have you heard about this new fucking thing that's going down, this new bill?

[1242] That they're trying to define the United States as a battle world.

[1243] First of all, don't fucking Owen Amy where you're talking to your laptop.

[1244] I'm trying to make it seem like your conversation.

[1245] I'm trying to remember why I don't talk for 30 minutes.

[1246] But he's just for a second.

[1247] He's got that cheats.

[1248] Even fucking Norton.

[1249] Even Norton sits on the.

[1250] there with his he's constantly just looking at his cell phone fucking oh i guess is always staring at a laptop me like what the fuck it does it does ruin the flow you're correct i just wanted to get your take i always thought i always thought it was closing like every time you do oh and a i love them they're all great people there's no pretense with them but it all all seems like they're going out of business like why what do you mean they just have that attitude of yeah anytime they're going start taking boxes out of your they're all just watching like they're done it's not even like for the show like you're looking up something for the show they're just fucking around why they're working yeah oh that's funny Norton's fucking twittering that's a problem when nobody stops everybody from doing that shit I went on there last time and I felt like are we really on the air so easy to just fucking check your Twitter all the time I think it's I think it's just because they do it every day can you imagine doing this every day for what four six hours how long do they do it that's crazy Yeah, what we do is a lot, and it's still...

[1251] Don't get me wrong.

[1252] I was...

[1253] No problem, very manageable, but...

[1254] It was very comfortable, but it was like where you go, we're just, hey, we're just four of us hanging out.

[1255] They're just so comfortable with hanging out that it doesn't seem like they're putting on a show.

[1256] No, come on, they don't do that.

[1257] No, it just seemed like that when you're in there.

[1258] That's my favorite show to do, because when you do that show, it's just like you're hanging out.

[1259] It doesn't feel like, you know, so many shows, it's like...

[1260] You feel like you're upright, your posture's up, and you're just trying to give a good presentation and you leave, you know, you're like, this is, I never feel like I connected with these people, but, you know, you go to O &A, it's just a hangout and people just walk in, you know?

[1261] There's people walking in the hall just wander in.

[1262] Yeah, walked in, just owned the place.

[1263] And it was so amazing.

[1264] Marion Barry walked in once.

[1265] Marion Barry, and we were asking him questions about smoking crack.

[1266] Yeah, but just was in the hallway, watered in.

[1267] The, the amount of energy, dice clay can still put into being dice clay.

[1268] Oh, yeah.

[1269] And you don't know.

[1270] He's a master.

[1271] You have no. idea what's an act yeah i'm like i'm talking to norton he's my friend i'm going like how much is that that's what it's like on the road and they like well you're not telling me if it's so you don't know if it's him or if it's real yeah well he's got that what's her name the great chick from the comedy store legendary elinor yeah yeah yeah she was funny that you immediately knew who it is that's who i was thinking oh eleanor is amazing she's amazing she is the comedy store to me yeah when she's gone that place is dead you know they don't have any of the old waitresses work Is she still there?

[1272] No, no, no, no. She's a comic, man. You know, she's a comic, she's doing well.

[1273] Oh, fuck.

[1274] She's doing really well.

[1275] But all the waitresses are all done.

[1276] I really thought there was someone over there.

[1277] It's Robert Plant.

[1278] And when they started gyrating on them, I'm like, oh, fuck, what is?

[1279] Look at Robert Plant.

[1280] This is a giant, fucking half -naked Robert Plant, balls and cock right there.

[1281] Clearly defined.

[1282] That's an 18 -foot ceiling, and they're projecting Robert Plant's fucking package.

[1283] Wow, that's so weird.

[1284] He's got his balls and cock are clearly.

[1285] in the left side of his pants yeah no look there's his dick it's almost sculpted it's weird it's not even real and the way he moves like he would be terrible at fucking you know he's not like Bobby Brown up there they have a little step out take they call that whiskey dick he just looks like the way he moves is like real awkward he's a bottom one of I wouldn't want him fucking me I'll tell you that I'm like come on buddy what's this what we don't ever seen you dance Joe you never know bro you guys he's gonna become a dance off Robert plants on the wall They just didn't have the same awareness back there, I don't think.

[1286] Don't worry.

[1287] No one's filming.

[1288] They just look different.

[1289] They are, though.

[1290] If you had an all -time favorite band, Led Zeppin, is it up there?

[1291] No. Really?

[1292] Pink Floyd the Wall would be, like, on my top five albums.

[1293] Yeah, I agree.

[1294] But I also have Counting Crows and Tim Curry, who no one knows his fucking music at all, Tim Curry put out some really fucking...

[1295] Tim Curry, the actor?

[1296] Yeah.

[1297] Really?

[1298] From Clue?

[1299] No. He had one kind of vague hit with, I Do the Rock.

[1300] I do the Rock myself.

[1301] No?

[1302] Oh, yeah.

[1303] And that was it.

[1304] Like, he did Rocky Horror and then put out two albums and the best of.

[1305] He was the lead in Rocky Horror, right?

[1306] He was the, that, that wasn't he?

[1307] Yeah, yeah.

[1308] Wow, that guys are like a really good singer.

[1309] Yeah.

[1310] Like, what kind of music?

[1311] He's kind of, Robert, Robert, what's his?

[1312] You putting him above?

[1313] There's no Zeppelin album I want to sit on a fucking island and listen to Alone That's crazy You heard the ocean But I don't like music I don't like It just fucking It just ruins conversation It does sometimes But it's great when you're on airplanes I you know I read or I sleep I do too I do those too But I also like listening to music and writing I hate music Really?

[1314] Yeah no I want to download And I And if you're out there, if you're listening, I want a lot of fucking, like, big band swing, but no vocals.

[1315] That's what I want to listen to when I write is no vocals.

[1316] I want to have that as background, huh?

[1317] Yeah, background music.

[1318] Oh, that's, I do the same thing.

[1319] You know what I do?

[1320] I do Spanish music.

[1321] Yeah, fucking, Joe, does classical, yeah, it sounds just, has an air of cunty right around.

[1322] Right, it does.

[1323] Makes me right, cunty.

[1324] Does Ralphie Mae play the guitar?

[1325] Um, I don't know.

[1326] No, but he's.

[1327] didn't fucking die like ralphie may's in my deathpool i had to put one comic this is a for money one it's a real death pool not like just something we joke about this is for money how much money 50 bucks each person for a year how many people there's only 11 people but next year we're gonna get this rocking i've never had more fun than being in a death pool really yeah it's like it's like having stocks or something.

[1328] Are you like checking the paper?

[1329] People get super offended when you put them in your death pool though.

[1330] Well I was fucking I like I've had so many people I front -loaded celebrity rehab.

[1331] So Tom Seismore if you're listening, geez, you know what?

[1332] Fucking remember the crackle of that rock.

[1333] How fuck the adrenaline, the self -confidence.

[1334] Get back with Heidi Fleiss.

[1335] I don't think he's a great together.

[1336] Because I need you to die by.

[1337] December 31st because I'm in seventh place.

[1338] My only death this year is Jeff Conaway and I get some Oh, that guy died, huh?

[1339] Yeah, but there's a bonus system.

[1340] Like if he died, if there's an overdose I get another 25 points for the overdose and he was a Scientologist.

[1341] He went to that after celebrity rehab so Scientology is another fucking...

[1342] Scientologist late in life then.

[1343] Very late, right?

[1344] Yeah, because Dr. Drew didn't work so he's...

[1345] Brian, can you pull up a video of that guy?

[1346] All fucked up because I heard that on celebrity rehab.

[1347] He was super fucked up.

[1348] I heard it like a bunch of different times But I never saw it.

[1349] Did you ever see it?

[1350] Who the guy that got a guy?

[1351] Jeff Connoe.

[1352] Yeah, that's that because I don't follow pop culture can I watch Celebrity Rehab because I hate dr. Drew with such a violent passion isn't because he's a fucking Schiester snake oil salesman piece of shit And it's all all on a fucking the the new DVD that'll come out as soon as I can pick a cover Dr. Drew is a good guy.

[1353] I like Dr. Drew.

[1354] That's why he's a real nice guy.

[1355] It makes him more evil because he believes what he's saying.

[1356] He says some crazy shit, though.

[1357] He said some really ridiculous shit about marijuana and the addiction properties of it.

[1358] That keeps him in business.

[1359] Again, he's one of those like non -compliant frauds.

[1360] But he's kind of adjusted his stance on that.

[1361] You know, he's kind of like, hey, you know, this is what always pisses me off about people when they have this.

[1362] He adjusts his stance based on.

[1363] fucking the poles, basically.

[1364] Yeah, well, you know, it's a personal freedom issue, and anybody who doesn't understand that, it's ridiculous.

[1365] And if it was really that bad, there'd be a bunch of fucking bodies attributed to it, and there's none.

[1366] And my real problem with it is that they always have this whole life.

[1367] Well, see me tonight in Brea.

[1368] You'll be fine.

[1369] I might be just on a fucking slab.

[1370] Dude, you're going to be great.

[1371] You're great.

[1372] It's only 5 o 'clock.

[1373] You got mad time, dude.

[1374] Three hours from now, you'll be lucid.

[1375] That was me. It's just self -deprecating and plugging Braia.

[1376] Brea improv tonight.

[1377] Yeah, one show, what time?

[1378] 8 p .m. If you're not listening to this, then you'll have no idea why the show went like that.

[1379] Is it 8 p .m?

[1380] Yeah, I guess.

[1381] Who's doing the show with you?

[1382] It's fucking like...

[1383] Usually 8 p .m. Who's doing the show with you?

[1384] It's like your family.

[1385] Wednesday.

[1386] Five.

[1387] Yeah.

[1388] Always five.

[1389] Always five.

[1390] Always eight.

[1391] Yeah, you can't have a nutty 1145 show.

[1392] I've played like three improvs now.

[1393] It was three out of three out of four where they hadn't updated the fucking video screen.

[1394] Stop that.

[1395] fucking red band right now it's making me yeah dude you keep changing that and it's distracting told me to show you the video you do search the video for Jeff Conaway and so I was gonna play it video that's Doug's face yeah but I was gonna play it for you guys giant that I'm against okay I love your head let's play that Jeff Conno way thing let's see now that you got it up there oh that's that one oh he's over there oh wow what's that music Brian is that in this that's your fucking shitty Music?

[1396] That's really in your iPod?

[1397] Oh, play this back so I can hear this guy's voice.

[1398] He's jacked, dude.

[1399] Put it early.

[1400] They're subtitling it for a reason.

[1401] He's not making it.

[1402] I know, but I want to hear the noises.

[1403] But that guy was fucked.

[1404] This is back when they glorified the pre -story.

[1405] Look at him.

[1406] Dude, drugs suck.

[1407] Killing myself.

[1408] Killing myself.

[1409] How would you do that?

[1410] Are you seeing something?

[1411] What do you see?

[1412] I'm seeing myself breaking out of mirror and slashing my throat with it.

[1413] Jesus.

[1414] And those glasses.

[1415] I could break them and I could slid my wrist with them.

[1416] How amazing would it be if this guy didn't do any drugs at all, and this was like a role he was playing to try to let people know he can still fucking act?

[1417] Yeah.

[1418] But, yeah, and Dr. Drew is about to tell him that fucking God will heal it.

[1419] Dr. Drew doesn't say that, does he?

[1420] Yeah, he's a fucking 12 -steper.

[1421] That's what A .A. is.

[1422] They put you into 12 -step programs.

[1423] Yeah, but you're all about God.

[1424] You know why I think they do that?

[1425] I think it's a mechanism.

[1426] I agree with you that it's silly.

[1427] If you want to look at it as far as, like, whether it's plausible.

[1428] And I'm crying at the same time.

[1429] And some guy in the audience talks to me. He says, you laugh and you crying.

[1430] I turned my head.

[1431] I said, I'm laughing.

[1432] and I'm crying.

[1433] Okay, kill it.

[1434] Kill it, thank you.

[1435] If that guy was really acting, if that's really how it wasn't how he really is, if he was just acting, that would be brilliant.

[1436] What a great move.

[1437] Somebody should do that.

[1438] He should go on celebrity rehab.

[1439] He died like that.

[1440] Yeah, but he wasn't doing it.

[1441] But what a great idea that would be to show people how good you can act.

[1442] Go on celebrity rehab and just fake being fucked up.

[1443] No, that's what they do.

[1444] They've had people on there for, uh marijuana addiction they just no they're like it i think he said he's not doing it anymore which i hate because i love trashing yeah i think he takes shit for it we's got that new cnn show now i think yeah no he's yeah now he's trying to you know i'm not just a doctor of sex and drugs now now i'm a doctor of life you know that's something like yeah that's cnn destiny or they become celebrity doctors very tricky like that cnn jupta I actually thanked him on my no refunds I just thanked weird people just it's a name that sticks in your head syrup Sanjay Gupta next it was Sanjay Stop was saying Sanjay Gupta Fucking just make up another name So I put Sanjay Gupta back into the universe Instead of stuck in my head like a fucking leper That guy took hundreds of thousands of dollars From pharmaceutical companies takes over $100 ,000 a year It's a piece of shit Isn't that ridiculous I can't stand those fucking He's always talking about To take our fucking white people's pieces of shit jobs Coming over here And stealing our fucking Where's that white guy I used to hate Sanjay Gupta He's coming over here and taking our corruption Is that nonsense sayer Wow You're all right buddy Yeah no I'm good I'm good I just I haven't been high in so far is that what it is you used to not smoke weed at all i don't smoke weed at all that was yeah but you like i'm like many years i've seen you turn down weed like every single time until this is the first time i think i've ever seen yeah it's great isn't it i love it i'm intimidated why intimidated by it no no i'm intimidated i made me smoke pot oh it was going around the table i didn't want to be the uncool kid well you said you were the only reason i even pass it to you is because you said before that yeah i'm even willing to smoke pot well i i really want to It's so fucking available.

[1445] Yeah, it's awesome.

[1446] That's the thing.

[1447] I want to have a taste for it.

[1448] I want to stop fucking drinking so much.

[1449] You should try the edibles.

[1450] The reason why the edibles have a totally different effect, man. It's like really like a strong psychedelic.

[1451] Yeah.

[1452] You know, you eat cookies.

[1453] Eat one of these fucking cookies that Joey takes.

[1454] I guarantee you enjoy it.

[1455] It's like every other drug or alcohol, like it would be starting.

[1456] I'd be 18 years old again, which is what I feel like right now where I'm just fucking stupid.

[1457] And forgetting, though, we have to fucking entertain, you assholes.

[1458] We're fine.

[1459] It's entertaining.

[1460] You're fine.

[1461] You're fine.

[1462] I know what you're saying.

[1463] But the point is, yeah, I don't want to have to start with weed.

[1464] Like, okay, how much can I smoke before a show?

[1465] It always amazed me that you were so introspective.

[1466] You're a very introspective dude, and you don't have any ego problems.

[1467] And yet, you didn't smoke weed.

[1468] I always thought that was really interesting.

[1469] It always made it, because it was never a community thing.

[1470] When you trip with people, you're all like, we're together.

[1471] right right right we're all fucking in this and every time i smoked weed it seemed like everyone was laughing without me or at me and i it wasn't never felt maybe you gave up on it like way too early maybe and you're smoking it with the wrong people because if you're smoking it with us it's just a giggle fest you know we just smoke weed break down the universe and laugh at shit yeah you're probably smoking too much too but you're probably thinking it's like a beer where you have to have many hits honestly i think like even before a show one hit usually it would be awesome yeah you wouldn't want to do it before you know But it's been so long that since I actually was like a teenage fucking weed smoker and realized I don't, I've given it plenty of opportunities.

[1472] The problem is there's two kinds of weed.

[1473] There's Indica, which is what you always get.

[1474] That's what you normally get in Florida.

[1475] It's where you get.

[1476] If you don't know a guy, it's what you get.

[1477] If you're not educated, Indica is the stuff that makes you sleepy.

[1478] It makes you, it's really bad for short -term memory loss.

[1479] Sativa is not so great for it either.

[1480] Short -term memory is a weird thing with marijuana.

[1481] It's almost like the thoughts are coming at you so quick.

[1482] You're telling me how many push -ups I should be able to do when you can do a fucking lot.

[1483] No, no, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.

[1484] I'm just saying there's two different kinds of weed.

[1485] That the indica is probably what you were getting all the time.

[1486] You probably weren't getting this.

[1487] These are your legendary for giving a dude that smokes pot, a lollipop, and he can't get off a fucking couch.

[1488] All right.

[1489] Who is that?

[1490] Tell me, I don't, a lot of people that have fucking.

[1491] I tell him.

[1492] It's fucking, yeah, it's supposed to be pot.

[1493] Like, I couldn't move.

[1494] well you know what it is man I like it hard I like I'm like if it's going to hit me it should knock me on my ass I did say yeah I wanted to knock my my ass man when you take an edible you know you want to you want to really blast off into the the ultimate like the furthest extent that yeah you could but you function like that yeah the same way I function shit phase drunk yeah I don't always function perfectly like that I gotta be careful I've spent 21 years doing it.

[1495] Like you're a fucking seasoned weed guy.

[1496] I just feel like shit all the time.

[1497] Every second.

[1498] No energy.

[1499] I've quit smoking, quit drinking coffee rather.

[1500] I quit drinking coffee like a day ago.

[1501] No, just for a goof.

[1502] Daddy, we don't like it when you.

[1503] You fucking drink and coffee.

[1504] Why are you awake?

[1505] Why are you awake?

[1506] I just You sleep with the TV on a town.

[1507] I need a shuttle bus to the other wing.

[1508] I took off a few days and then I had a cup of coffee and it hit me like a lightning bolt.

[1509] I was like, whoa, is this what coffee is normally like?

[1510] Because usually I drink it and I don't even feel it.

[1511] It's like I'm so used to just drinking coffee.

[1512] Like I'll have two cups of coffee in a day and maybe even more when we're doing the podcast.

[1513] I'll just pound down three while we're sitting there.

[1514] And you don't realize that your body just developed like, whoa, whoa, we need to process this shit nice and quick.

[1515] We need to develop a fucking tolerance for it.

[1516] And then when you don't have it for a while, your body sort of normalizes.

[1517] And then you'll have a coffee and it's like, wow, like it really jolts the shit out of you.

[1518] My nerve, I attribute it to alcohol, but my nervous system, when I drink coffee now, a lot of times, I just fucking visibly shake just from a, like I drink decaf.

[1519] Wow.

[1520] But I don't know if it's my nervous system is like that week where just coffee effect.

[1521] it you know you're fucking you get older you think everything is attributed to something yeah and i'm so happy when my friends that don't drink all the time don't remember anything like i yeah shit well you use your mind a lot more than a lot of people i bet just because of the fact you're always writing and you're always performing you're always putting your act together and organizing it and putting new shit together and putting out DVDs but you know all of us this doesn't matter who you are it's it's eventually this thing is going to shut up off well yeah there's a water level of high water mark to how much fun you had yeah and it has to be more fun than that to register yeah okay yeah well i get drunk with you in indianapolis but that's happened how many fucking decades in a row okay i don't remember you did we fucking kill a guy is that like i don't that you'd have to be you'd have to supersede other levels oh we went to a titty bar oh did i see tits there oh of course i remember you from two thousand and two you fucking stewed There's been too many decades and too many Yeah, it's interesting when you look back at it I've likened it to like if you went to your entire public schooling comedy 21 years of comedy It's like if you went to your entire public schooling and then college and then a couple years of grad work But you were shit faced every day for your entire fucking schooling and in a different school every week, and you come up and say, do you remember me from eighth grade?

[1522] There's a fucking million eighth grades in this career.

[1523] Well, not only that.

[1524] You think about the numbers of people you meet every night.

[1525] Your brain's not designed for that.

[1526] Your brain's designed to meet like 50 people.

[1527] You know, you're designed to have 100 people around you.

[1528] Because Richard Jenny, when I was, remember that head of the class chick I dated forever, the fucking redhead.

[1529] I was dating her.

[1530] So she had done a platypus.

[1531] man's like pilot for and and so she'd be at the improv and they'd like hug and kiss and you know how richard jenny was a bit of a lech and she'd introduce me as her boyfriend she goes and this my boyfriend Doug and I'm like this fucking cunt with a mullet in the corner and you go yeah anyway anyway it's great to see you want to go out to the thing and sushi and like and he did that a lot to me and then he was hosting one night at the fucking Montreal like one of the dirty shows one of their late night contrived pieces yeah it's the danger zone and he was emceeing it Richard Jenny you know the dangerous Richard Jenny on the danger midnight fucking get another 25 quids out of you he says I've never seen this next comic before and I went out and go you fucking hit on my girlfriend all the time So this is my opening Yeah he introduces me I've never seen I've never met this comic before But I've heard good things That I just opened with You never met me You fucking try to hammer my girlfriend In front of me like I'm nothing all the time Wow He too getting good spirit Well till he and Till he killed himself Because I said it Do you think that's what really Ultimately triggered him I'm pretty sure that was Just a slow burn my young fucking spirited Montreal that one rant just destroyed his self -esteem yes did you like him as a comic he had one of the fucking best bits and I've tried to find it on the internet about something about playing the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald clear parties oh yeah I try to find that on the fucking YouTube yeah it was a good comic man I didn't know him as a human being.

[1532] I guess you did, but he was a great, great comic.

[1533] I just, I know, and I was just poking fun when I said that on stage.

[1534] No, of course, I know.

[1535] But the point of that story is now I'm Richard Jenny.

[1536] Like, people like, you don't fucking remember me. I open for you like five times.

[1537] Like, I'm sorry.

[1538] I know you when we're doing shots of Yeagermeister.

[1539] During that time, I know you.

[1540] Yeah, and maybe that memory comes back.

[1541] Do you know a thing called Dunbar's number?

[1542] it's a theory that there's only a certain amount of numbers a certain amount of human beings you can keep inside your head you can only have like a friendship with like 150 people and when it's more than 150 people you simply don't have storage for it so all the people that you meet I mean you're meeting hundreds of people every fucking weekend your brain is just overly burdened and you try to keep in touch these people and stay friends with them and it's a building process because when you first start getting any kind of fame you're like oh you traveled from Youngstown well I'll take you to fucking after hours and then they think they're your friends but then you get more fans so there there's a value to them because they're fans and you've never had that which is a shitty thing to say but it's the truth then you get more fans and you're like all right i'm not taking you to fucking breakfast every time i see you because now i have actual fan base and then you have too many fans and then you don't even understand why they like you because you hate yourself and then uh oh sorry Did I go too far?

[1543] Douglas, you don't hate yourself.

[1544] No, no, I was trying to bring that to an absurd place, but you can't be friends with your fans on some level.

[1545] It's a tricky thing.

[1546] Well, your fans especially.

[1547] You got a bunch of fucking psychos following you.

[1548] I have another fucking suicide.

[1549] I have a suicide letter.

[1550] I got a post fucking.

[1551] Really?

[1552] Yeah, we got a 4th of July where I had my lawyer.

[1553] fucking fact check it and they it's a real suicide yeah somebody killed themselves and sent a letter to you yeah they sent a letter he'd I wanted to see it before you know it was nice it was my friend is you get a picture 4th of July party at the house so I get this fan mail I always put my address on the fucking website hey steal stuff hey today it's Friday right whatever it is Tuesday steal something from work right now podcast listeners steal something from work it doesn't have to have any value just some piece of shit take your fucking co -workers picture of their niece off their desk and mail it on the company dime right now to bingo at 212 Van Dyke Street like Dick Van Dyke 212 Van Dyke Bisbee Arizona 85603 so I put this I'll do this every now and then on radio or on my Facebook just because bingo's retarded and she never understands why all these packages are showing up a fucking post -it notes some guy some guys sent his co -worker's phone I don't know if his FedEx or UPS the guy wrote he said this is my last day on the job so I'm going to send you he sent a scanner that's so like obsolete like they can't replace them so it has value and it was he's quitting his job anyway so he's quitting his job anyway so he sent something UPS or FedEx on their dime as of fuck you Oh, that's hilarious Jesus Christ That's fucking funny So what do you do with all this stuff?

[1554] How much?

[1555] What do you have stored?

[1556] it's usually nothing of value I don't like I fucking UPS scanner I drop everything at the thrift store I think most people's like like t -shirts that you get from Oh so you just take them You mean come right Start my t -shirt company and you go There's a lot of t -shirt companies.

[1557] Have you noticed how many T -shirts companies?

[1558] t -shirt companies are like everybody has a t -shirt t -shirt companies especially in the m -ma world that's what i really noticed it yeah sell it to fucking the m -ma world because guys with fucking beer guts don't wear t -shirts i wear layers you wear layers yeah do you fuck with your clothes off i don't fuck anymore done you just lost all you don't like it well was the last time you tapped well occasionally you do narcotics and they go oh hey yeah i have a sex drive and then you've so yeah probably Portland Once a year Yeah but it wasn't like We just start laughing in the middle Like this is so ridiculous Wow It's just yeah It's such a non -event It feels fucking trivial What is that like?

[1559] That's a weird It's a weird feeling What does that like?

[1560] It's like if you just didn't You weren't hungry anymore You want to eat?

[1561] No, good but it's funny how many people their lives are defined by that lust and that passion how important it is for them well you do see where like my comedy is fucking slouched since then but you realize that you you boil it all down to what was the root cause of all this desire was pussy and then you and then you get and then you fucking blow a load on her tits and you go isn't there a better way to say I like you like isn't there something It's not if she likes it If she likes it and you like it It's pretty fucking fun But it's a nature's fuck job Where now you can think past nature Where you go all right Now I see what nature does But nature is fucked Do you just ever just The entire Where you can look at the actual Fucking planet earth And go You fucked up I know it's a pompous attitude But I guess to say that Nature is fucked And we're right Well we are natural We have logic Yeah Yeah, we're natural, too, man. That's one thing that people don't consider.

[1562] I think that everything we do is ultimately very natural.

[1563] Fucking the chemicals you're promoting are natural because it came from somewhere in the earth.

[1564] Exactly.

[1565] There's no fucking alien substances.

[1566] Everything is natural, even chemicals.

[1567] It's true.

[1568] Yeah.

[1569] I think behavior is as well.

[1570] I think people are so fucked up because our organism is designed to promote a purpose.

[1571] And that purpose seems to be technologically related.

[1572] It seems to be about innovation.

[1573] And Red Band's purpose is.

[1574] to get me a cocktail little lady i'll take one too fellow give me no one of those i'll take one of your uh i'll take one of your diet fucking off -brands seven ups you went the food club special yeah did you get food club seven i keep diet i keep diet for the porn stars oh they all like diet that's what he said but he's got like some fucking off -brand sams cola kind of he told me he keeps energy drinks for the porn stars so they all want energy drinks yeah can i get an energy drink Actually, no, you have Vitali vodka.

[1575] I drink Red Bull and vodka.

[1576] I try to get rid of that fucking Yeager Meister burden.

[1577] Just saying Yeager Meister on stage, you feel like I'm fucking a 44 -year -old man saying Jaeger Meister.

[1578] Is that a bad thing to say?

[1579] At some point, you know, at some point where you go, I'm too old to do this.

[1580] You've had those moments.

[1581] Sure.

[1582] Yeah.

[1583] When you're doing shots.

[1584] But somehow another whiskey, you could be 60 and still get a shot of whiskey.

[1585] You're doing Yeager bombs and you're 60?

[1586] Exactly.

[1587] You're not like I'm out of no class.

[1588] But I've grown a taste for all this shit where like I was all the beer that I like is just shit horrible corporate beer.

[1589] And I watch football too.

[1590] So what?

[1591] Embrace it.

[1592] But no, the fact that you see all the ads are geared towards the dumbest people alive and you go, I like your product.

[1593] Why do you make me feel like an asshole for fucking having a giant ad campaign saying, that the fucking label tells me when it's cold because I don't have fucking temperate.

[1594] But that's what I like.

[1595] Shit.

[1596] I enjoy shit.

[1597] I'm at terms with it.

[1598] I just hate when it's marketed towards me. I know what you're talking about when it treats you like you're dumb, but there's a lot of shit that's cool.

[1599] You know, I like muscle cars.

[1600] I know they're stupid.

[1601] I know they're dumb.

[1602] I don't care.

[1603] I like, I have a Shelby Mustang.

[1604] I like the way it sounds.

[1605] I like when I hit the gas, he goes, Blom, Blom!

[1606] I'm very aware that we're on a planet and this planet is a part of a galaxy and this galaxy is part of the year.

[1607] I'm enjoying this fucking Mustang.

[1608] You know what?

[1609] I didn't ask to be here.

[1610] Exactly.

[1611] Yeah, fuck you in your environment.

[1612] Sue my mother.

[1613] She is the one who had the fucking gall to create life without its consent.

[1614] Yeah, that's my attitude towards anybody that tells you that you're supposed to be really involved in our political system.

[1615] Hey, and we're born into a fucking system that we have no control over and it's absolutely completely fucked.

[1616] You want me to really get involved and invested in this?

[1617] Is that really fixable?

[1618] Yeah, no. You make your own fucking government It's what the Amish do It's what gangs do Yeah You make your own fucking reality But then the federal government Is always the big daddy Looking over the whole pile But it's something that you learn to avoid The same way you avoid Fucking scorpions Right You live in Arizona I shake out my shit Before I put it on Do you really?

[1619] How often you get scorpions?

[1620] Well not often enough But if it's been sitting there For a while You shake it out Because you know your environment Yeah exactly The point is Because, yeah, the same way you avoid every other fucking obstacle, you just avoid the government.

[1621] You vote for Ron Paul, and it makes you feel good, and it's nothing to do on a Tuesday anyway.

[1622] And it makes you, there's not.

[1623] You can't start a compound, though.

[1624] Don't let you do that.

[1625] You can't do that.

[1626] Don't call it a compound.

[1627] What do you call it?

[1628] That's the thing is people have to brag.

[1629] They have to be fucking like, oh, I'm going to get on fucking radio until everyone's coming to my compound.

[1630] Waco.

[1631] You know what?

[1632] Just fucking shut up.

[1633] go down and fucking properties cheap in Texas get a whole compound and just say hey do you think you'll ever move to Texas fucking prosely ties and yeah you can get plenty of pussy just running it that way yeah you don't have to get crazy everyone that's in a fucking criminal element has to be so like they take it too far yeah what gets them to the party ultimately drowns them they drown in their own desire to if Occupy Wall Street would dress up like Wall Street so they were indecipherable it's too much money it's a lot money no it's a fucking thrift store run yeah but you gotta cut your hair it's a lot of dudes of dreadlocks exactly so commit yourself to the cause you know what that's fucking that's why i love anonymous like if they fucking sold merch i'd buy a buy a shirt like i was thinking brine we should do a guy fox mask day we wear the mask fucking anonymous like people like that are in the they're doing something they're fucking with the system wiki leaks is fucking with the system and you're fucking you're gonna camp you're gonna walk for a cure is what you're gonna do what they are no dude is they're representing giant numbers you do need soldiers you need anonymous but you need leaders to have fucking but the problem is they go after leaders and the beautiful thing about this whole Occupy Wall Street thing is there's no leaders that's the beautiful thing about it but there's no there's no guidance there's no guidance but there's a pretty cohesive message the point is it could be done if you like yes men style like there's so many like you see that fucking it's like it's like a dane cook audience without a comic where you see that fucking need for you could turn this force into something right and there's such fucking dimwits like any movement most of the populace is going to be a fucking dimwit yeah and they need to well you know i mean if you want to go back and and read the conspiracy theories of the the 60s and the 70s that the idea was that they were engineering our civilization to be this stupid and that they were engineering the poor neighborhoods to have shit education and keeping the the priorities of education at a minimum so that they can continue to run people because most people are too fucking stupid to realize what's going on as long as they can keep the charade going um yeah that's that's why it's all falling apart it's because the internet now has allowed pretty much everybody to see what's really happening in the world see where the real numbers are going except for what alex jones sees he's because he's see something you can't even see on the internet unless it's 9 -90 -fires.

[1634] Unless you buy gold, ladies and gentlemen, right now they have baskets out in the desert where they're looking to put your gold.

[1635] Hey, Joe.

[1636] Senator McCain, you are a disgrace, sir.

[1637] Remember when we were talking about Occupy L .A. and I said something silly about how I think they should move to the trees and like make an EWalk village.

[1638] I guess exactly.

[1639] That's exactly.

[1640] Dude, I told you before the podcast.

[1641] We were saying that that guy's a guy from Fear Factor.

[1642] Oh, he is?

[1643] Yeah.

[1644] He's on Fear Factor.

[1645] His name is Shane.

[1646] That's crazy.

[1647] Yeah.

[1648] He was on Fear Factor with his chick.

[1649] Yeah, so that's, they are creating Iwok Goose.

[1650] I get all confused with.

[1651] That's ridiculous.

[1652] Yeah.

[1653] It's a very strange thing, man. It's a weird movement.

[1654] There's all these people camped out, man. And a lot of them, this is where they fucking live.

[1655] But they need, why do you need a fucking movement?

[1656] That's what kills me. Why do you need a gang?

[1657] Why do you need a fucking group?

[1658] But it's, to me, it's, it's, is an exciting time.

[1659] This is really interesting.

[1660] I don't know what's happening, but to me, I see all these numbers of people moving, and these numbers of people protesting are unprecedented.

[1661] We've never had a public display of how fucking pissed people are like this.

[1662] A public display of how many people are saying, this is insane, the system's insane.

[1663] It's amazing.

[1664] I know it needs to be corralled.

[1665] But it's going to.

[1666] It's going to eventually, first of all, the real unfortunate aspect of it all is that they're trying, Hard as they can to control it.

[1667] Little Caesar's pizza?

[1668] Acrepy Wall Street brought to you by Olive Garden.

[1669] Olive Garden.

[1670] Yeah.

[1671] The most unfortunate aspect of it is that if it keeps growing, they're going to keep pushing it back.

[1672] And eventually something's going to break.

[1673] You know, they're going to push people.

[1674] I mean, we've already had people getting hurt, people getting, you know, hit with tear gas canisters in their fucking face, flash grenades.

[1675] We've already had a lot of that shit happened.

[1676] But if it keeps growing, it's going to keep pushing.

[1677] And they're going to have to push back.

[1678] I mean, it's almost inevitable.

[1679] But what...

[1680] So what happens then?

[1681] That becomes a real problem.

[1682] Where does it go?

[1683] No one's explained to me what the fucking fight is.

[1684] Well, the fight is that the system's fucked.

[1685] The fight is that people didn't want all these bailouts.

[1686] They don't think that all these...

[1687] That's such a broad thing.

[1688] It's a huge broad thing.

[1689] It's absolutely broad.

[1690] That's what we've known for years.

[1691] You're right.

[1692] But this is a general, general ignorant reaction or not ignorant.

[1693] Any mob action is ignorant reaction.

[1694] It is.

[1695] I don't want to say ignorant, but what it is is it's a, it's an unfocused anger with a good percentage of the people who have a clear idea what's the problem.

[1696] But there's a lot of them that absolutely is running around like from a completely military point of view.

[1697] Yes, you need a bunch of stupid people who don't really know what's going on.

[1698] Unfortunately, they get interviewed by the press.

[1699] You need fucking numbers.

[1700] And most of the populace is dumb as shit.

[1701] You fucking, you have to get numbers.

[1702] Not only that, there's also a real tactic of agent provocateurs where there's cops that dress up and go in and start shit and then arrest everybody but why don't they do the fucking same thing back dress just like a cop well without the without the insignia yeah put on fucking riot gear why is sitting out there go i'm a weak hippie dress up like a fucking raider fan giant fucking mad max helmet darth vader yeah be as intimidating as the more intimidating than the cops yeah put on the attire of a guy i really i just want to be a punch -up writer for fucking Occupy Wall Street.

[1703] I'm not against them.

[1704] I'm not, I don't know what they're for.

[1705] Yeah, the system's fucked and I'm glad that you're out there doing something.

[1706] I just want to fucking write some ideas for you rather than make it so fucking obvious.

[1707] I'm a hippie.

[1708] Well, don't you think that's just inevitable?

[1709] Whenever you have any sort of a gathering, anybody can join.

[1710] What are you going to do?

[1711] You're going to kick the people that suck out?

[1712] No, I quit comedy and go out and go, here's a better sign.

[1713] We are the 99 %.

[1714] All right, everyone else has that sign.

[1715] I want to fucking help.

[1716] Let's make this funnier.

[1717] What a funnier revolution.

[1718] But how is that going to help you get rid of all the retards?

[1719] How is that?

[1720] It doesn't.

[1721] There's no way to get rid of the retards.

[1722] There's no way to educate them.

[1723] You can fucking educate your kids.

[1724] You have fucking two kids now and you can pretend like you're going to have an influence on their life, but you can have an influence on my life for sure.

[1725] Well, you're not going to run the whole thing.

[1726] It's an independent human being.

[1727] Fucking Pat and Oswald had the great bit about how kids always rebel.

[1728] against their parents.

[1729] So I'm going to be the worst parent in the world.

[1730] And I'm going to have Phil Collins, no jacket required, framed on the mantel piece.

[1731] So my kids turn out cool.

[1732] That's funny.

[1733] Yeah, it's a weird idea, you know, trying to figure out what way to push and pull your kids.

[1734] You see them reacting to you, though.

[1735] That's the strangest thing.

[1736] You see them, you know, like getting upset that you telling them that they can't do something.

[1737] And so they rebound the other way.

[1738] You know, you could see that pattern developing really early.

[1739] Where a lot of us, you know, I mean, I don't know how you were raised, but I met your mom.

[1740] You're the only friend I have that I don't dismiss once I have kids.

[1741] Because you have kids like a fucking, like a terrarium project.

[1742] I'm going to fucking control the growth.

[1743] I'm going to monitor it.

[1744] You're not a parent.

[1745] Oh, I'm a parent.

[1746] I mean, I enjoy it.

[1747] No, you are.

[1748] I enjoy it.

[1749] The same way you've never been like a, we never met your girlfriend.

[1750] I'm in the well I guess most of us are the guy that brings their girl no girlfriend my whole personal life is a you're it's almost like your friends are TMZ I know I'm gonna keep everything private oh I don't think you know me as well as most people well that was I well I never met yeah exactly exactly Jessica yeah don't don't say names oh shit sorry it's too late oh fuck all right we haven't talked in a while sorry she doesn't go by her married name ha ha um yeah sorry yeah but no i know i tell people everything i just don't i don't tell the internet everything i don't know i just you and i have uh you would never like the first time we've got a comedy friendship you know but yeah no no no it's no and you're just comedy life like i when you said hey oh come to the ufc and i oh i don't like that man there's a lot of dudes that they integrate these girls that they're dating into their fucking comedy life and they bring them everywhere and you know and they change their personality yeah which i've seen since then gets weird man it gets weird you know i've seen it i mean it's nothing wrong i mean you can take your check anywhere there's nothing wrong with that but i don't think you should all you should always do things together i think there's nothing wrong with having but that's completely separate lives i bingo is like my best fucking friend in the world it works it works for you guys it's like whatever works you know for what me has always worked is you got to separate church and state for Yeah, no, that's always been, so yeah, there's always been kind of a border.

[1751] No, it's never a border, dude.

[1752] No, it's just something, no, it's nothing you introduced into any relationship.

[1753] You're just so alien from, like, my church.

[1754] I'm high as shit if that's what you mean.

[1755] Yeah, I'm thinking on, yeah, I'm getting back.

[1756] Coming back, I'm good.

[1757] You're making a comeback?

[1758] You feeling it?

[1759] Do you want energy drink to push you over the time?

[1760] No, no, I'm good.

[1761] I have a cocktail.

[1762] I feel, I just, like, you're saying.

[1763] entering yeah my fucking head has been in so many places when you when you just like hi oh what's a microphone and what it's just a big rush all that dumb fucking high shit is coming all right you understand what a microphone is and I'm not really baffled anymore by the fact that we can talk to a million people seems like we're all in the same room I think it's amazing how well you've actually held it together I could never ever podcast shrooming you did an amazing job This Occupy Wall Street thing, this is why I pulled this article up because I knew we were going to talk about this.

[1764] This is the National Defense Authorization Act.

[1765] This is what I was talking about earlier, where they're literally going to define the U .S. homeland as a battlefield and make U .S. citizens subject to military apprehension and detainment for life without access to a trial or attorney.

[1766] This is amazing.

[1767] I mean, there's something that they've crafted.

[1768] This is another high thing, but you're acting like law matters.

[1769] No, I'm not, but I'm acting like this is, I mean, it's, this is the reaction.

[1770] Cops beat you every fucking day.

[1771] What, oh, it's in, but it's against the Constitution.

[1772] Like, no one cares.

[1773] That's such a, but they do care.

[1774] I mean, people are really freaking out about it.

[1775] Yeah, if you're one guy that occasionally brings something to a Supreme Court every four years and they go, you were right, you were fucked.

[1776] And then he gets nothing out of the battle.

[1777] But in your general day, you're sorry.

[1778] Well, this is, what this is is trying to turn the U .S. into a place where they can have the military.

[1779] patrol things.

[1780] So the military would control things like Occupy Wall Street.

[1781] They're preparing for civil unrest and they're preparing to do it legally.

[1782] What they're preparing to do is to make the United States a battleground so that when you are in a situation like Occupy Wall Street, you're literally like an enemy combatant.

[1783] But they've been doing that for fucking 10 years.

[1784] But they're putting it on paper.

[1785] That's what's really crazy.

[1786] And they're so blatant about it that they're literally putting this on paper.

[1787] You know, they're trying to pass this through and people are fucking freaking out about it man well that's good yeah finally but it's still amazing that this is something that they're so fucking stupid these people live in a different age they live in an age of the media reporting things right you know and when these things get out on the internet and CNN's not covering it and Washington Times isn't covering it but you can get it on your fucking computer and go what is this shit is this real and then you make some phone calls you find out it is and everybody freaks the fuck out and and you know but does make your life miserable like it scares me it scares me if you yeah it scares me they shouldn't be allowed to do that they shouldn't be allowed to bring look there's a reason why people are freaking out and these people need to be addressed they need you need to figure out how to deal with that and the way to deal with it isn't a fucking tank this isn't tenneman square it's supposed to be the united states and at the end of the day but it won't change without like drastic why is that but isn't the internet drastic the internet is the most drastic fucking thing to ever be introduced to a society ever.

[1788] People have a fucking they have to pay their fucking mortgage.

[1789] You see people that are like rolling their own cigarettes and they don't give a fuck about some law passing.

[1790] They're trying to fucking feed fat kids.

[1791] So when everyone's down it, like when that's how revolution, there's no fucking revolution of the middle class.

[1792] That's when the middle class rose up.

[1793] I think you're right in a certain sense, and I think your cynical, the cynical viewpoint is pragmatic?

[1794] I mean, it's normal.

[1795] It's based on history.

[1796] You're absolutely right.

[1797] But it's not based on the best that people are capable of.

[1798] The best that people are capable of, they're capable of much more than that.

[1799] It's just that we can't pull it off on a mass scale.

[1800] We're just not good at it.

[1801] But we're capable of it.

[1802] We're more than capable of pretty fucking awesome behavior on an individual basis.

[1803] And the key is trying to figure out how that can be relayed to the entire population an ethic and the only way that's going to ever work is if people feel like the system that they operate under is fair and right now they clearly don't right now the people feel like they look at all the money that's going to these CEOs that have been fucking nobody looks at that they do they do they look at the numbers they can't help it you're you're that's your fan base don't ever confuse your fan base with what lives in the fucking world in the dark houses on the fucking you're right you're right 66 you're right for the most part they don't ever think about there's plenty of people that do though.

[1804] The people that are informed should be the ones that you're paying attention to, right?

[1805] Water cooler talk where they fucking mimic bumper stickers, yes, but they have no idea what a fucking CEO is or how it affects their, they just want to fucking get velvita cheese for their fucking kid and if it's a dollar off they're happy and they're not even poor.

[1806] You're right.

[1807] The real question though is why are they like that?

[1808] And the question is, are they like that because of nature or nurture?

[1809] Are they like that because they grew up in this fucked up society where you know, in the 50s and 60s or whatever the fuck time they were developing, there was no information.

[1810] Everybody was horseshit.

[1811] Everybody was, you know.

[1812] You, you, you act like information is something that people want.

[1813] We are in a fucking, whether you want it or not, there's enough people that want it that are moving things.

[1814] Yeah, no, but we live in a, a very insular.

[1815] We think, oh, you have fucking three million listeners, but they just want to hear fist fuck jokes.

[1816] That's one thing like Facebook has made me realize how many.

[1817] Many times people laugh for the wrong reasons because they comment about it.

[1818] Do you lose all respect for a dude when you see a legit LOL?

[1819] Yeah, but it's so easy to lose respect for someone.

[1820] I try not to.

[1821] I try to be open -minded.

[1822] That's what I was talking about earlier, though.

[1823] I do L -Ls.

[1824] I do happy faces.

[1825] I just don't care.

[1826] Like, I think it's funny as a joke.

[1827] Yeah.

[1828] Well, when you do L -O -Ls to me, I actually do think it's funny because I know it's not a real L -O -L.

[1829] It's like you're making fun of the fact that you're saying L -L.

[1830] It's a silly face.

[1831] It's a joke that's three times.

[1832] gone right where hey in the sitcom day that you were around for and hey let me be the wacky neighbor that's what your friends would say and then then they said it too much and you're like all right that's such a cliche let me be your wacky neighbor that now it's a cliche of when it was a cliche so it's funny again right right right let me be your wacky neighbor on your podcast yeah so yeah that's true yeah yeah it's like refried beans l -o -l -o -l -o -l yeah stop Why do I have to see my goddamn ugly head everywhere I look?

[1833] It's just what it looks like, bro.

[1834] Got to just look at me. Focus on the magic.

[1835] You look very good.

[1836] You look very healthy.

[1837] You keep going into De Niro, though.

[1838] Doug, you actually look really healthy this time.

[1839] You look really good.

[1840] It's out in the sun.

[1841] My house was on the fucking women's group Busby Home Tour.

[1842] So I'd have to be out.

[1843] The Women's Group Bizby Home Tour.

[1844] What is that?

[1845] Actually, I think it was like Nick Thune.

[1846] I don't leave him.

[1847] I'm sorry.

[1848] I can't call you back right now.

[1849] But I have a, I called someone with an excuse where I go, I'm ashamed to admit it has something to do with the BISB women's club.

[1850] Oh, that's hilarious.

[1851] So they would do like a tour of the homes in the area?

[1852] They won't do it.

[1853] See, every year they do a Bisbee home tour because there's a lot of weird houses there.

[1854] So we like after 29 years in a town of 6 ,000, they were out of idea.

[1855] So they came to us because we paint our rocks weird.

[1856] Doug, what do you do?

[1857] You paint your rocks weird.

[1858] I'll try it again.

[1859] All right, hit it.

[1860] Doug, have you done any of pranks lately?

[1861] 5 .40.

[1862] Pranks?

[1863] You know what?

[1864] It was the awesome.

[1865] The awesomous thing?

[1866] The most awesome.

[1867] You just fucking wore off on me, dude.

[1868] I got infected by Brian Redband.

[1869] Was when you would do those pedophile baitings.

[1870] Did you put those out in a book?

[1871] Yeah, I put them out in a book, but the title of the book is fun with pedophiles.

[1872] I never even considered because, you know, I'm the fucking last.

[1873] guy to know even think about technology sorry just this is another reason I don't smoke pot yeah this is why you have a cigarette in your hand yeah I never thought that people wouldn't want to punch pedophiles into a search engine yeah you don't know a search engine yeah you don't want that and that's the name of the book I can't you re -release it with another just call it baiting is yeah the best of baiting is yeah the best of baiting is It's a subtitle.

[1874] Oh, okay.

[1875] Yeah, but fun with pedophiles.

[1876] That is a problem.

[1877] Yeah, this is fucking...

[1878] You got to be real careful about that these days.

[1879] That probably brings up some...

[1880] There's like some crazy search engine database with the FBI.

[1881] Right?

[1882] Yeah.

[1883] Fun with pedophiles.

[1884] I love the cover, by the way.

[1885] I love the cover.

[1886] It's so nice and...

[1887] Be ballsy.

[1888] Occupy fun with pedophiles.

[1889] Eight positive reviews, too.

[1890] Look at that.

[1891] Yeah, so folks, go get that book because it is fucking hilarious.

[1892] Because I remember when a lot of them were...

[1893] That's the only stuff I've ever done that I go back And I laugh my balls off at my own stuff I hate my comedy I hate it I can't listen to an old album a new album Fun with pedophiles I read and I fucking laugh like someone else wrote it Well that was uh those those bating days is that site still up what what I what I Bating dot org yeah it's archived just archived it's not active but you can read all their shit so good stuff so much good stuff wicked funny there's a guy that called don't even reply dot com that fucks with Craigslist people but he only updates it like every fucking three months you come back from Europe and you're like don't even reply because he's so good it's wicked funny so get yeah you guys are bored go to don't even reply dot com and say do some more shit he's out of Philly I think yeah do you do you remember when the jerky boys weren't famous remember when it was like a tape that would go around like they're making a documentary out of what do you shut up little man yeah yeah red red bar is that what it is the red bar was that's what mo's syslack is based on in the simpsons is the tube bar two bar two bar right right right right and they based mo syslack on the tube bar alcoholic that was a famous tube bar those this bar out alcoholic and then he finally catch you on and you go you motherfucker cocks sucker i'll kill you i'll find your mother They're out of fucking kill it.

[1894] Yeah, the tube bar tapes.

[1895] Yeah, that guy was hilarious.

[1896] That's what I was thinking of.

[1897] Oh, Winnebago Man is a documentary based on those days, which is fantastic.

[1898] Winnebago man is based on this guy.

[1899] He was a Winnebago salesman who would just, he would do these videos where he was doing a commercial.

[1900] And then he would fuck up the take.

[1901] And they played all the outtakes.

[1902] When he would fuck up, he'd start squaring, you motherfucker.

[1903] You motherless cunt.

[1904] You would just get crazy.

[1905] It was awesome.

[1906] But, yeah, it's such a feel -good story.

[1907] in the end.

[1908] You don't expect it to go well and it was actually a documentary where at the end you're like oh, I fucking feel really good about myself.

[1909] It was because the guy was like he was this fucking horrible functional bathroom.

[1910] Privacy, I don't know what the fuck I'm reading.

[1911] I wonder what the fuck the real dialogue is.

[1912] What the fuck is this thing?

[1913] All of the windshield for fuck sake.

[1914] Oh fuck.

[1915] What the fuck did I say?

[1916] That didn't sound for shit.

[1917] did it trying to give these guys everything they can get to me that sounds like a perfectionist what the fuck I'm saying it's just getting mad at himself we suppose we open gotta do it again right now I feel like those guys that were like we knew this one they were a garage band oh fuck look at least he's just trying to do a good time and he keeps fucking up shit Tony do me favor we please we we do me kindness yeah I think I want to be walking in and out if you're gonna fuck up and I got to come back I don't make any difference to me at this juncture.

[1918] Thank you very much.

[1919] I appreciate that, Tony.

[1920] Don't slam the fucking door.

[1921] No more.

[1922] You remember that?

[1923] So this guy got famous because of this video that went around back in the day when people just passed off tapes to big giant VHS tapes.

[1924] You're going to check this out.

[1925] I remember those very well.

[1926] She's a girl pooping on a dude.

[1927] Yeah, I had a friend from Austin who used to give them.

[1928] me these fucking mix tapes that he would make you would i just got rid of him recently because i had already seen the images a hundred times but his videos would be all the weirdest shit that he ever found and he would splice him together it was like an art form for him yeah i used to do that all the time i if you google search red band java lamps uh i have a few of them like that where i just put like it was right when the internet videos were becoming big like the crazy shit like like you know woman found inside of an alligator you know type shit yeah and it was like just spliced and i put with their like chirpy music.

[1929] Wow.

[1930] It's in a while that used to be.

[1931] The internet was just like a human internet.

[1932] Like you'd have to hand someone the videotape.

[1933] Like that's how it goes.

[1934] I mean, it could transfer that idea as a virus or as an organism could transfer all over the place from person to person and even be like duplicated even though it gets really fucking grainy when it gets like third and fourth generation.

[1935] But that's what you had to do.

[1936] That's how you got things out.

[1937] You saw Barnyard Betty, right?

[1938] Did you ever see Barnyard Benny when you were a kid?

[1939] No. Really?

[1940] I might have seen it, but I don't know.

[1941] It wasn't titled.

[1942] Captain Rowdy was the guy that turned me. Like, when I was a young comic, there was a guy named Captain Rowdy.

[1943] I remember that guy's name.

[1944] Yeah, he was a...

[1945] Did you wear, like, leather jackets and shit on stage?

[1946] Leather chaps and, yeah, Mohawk.

[1947] There's a lot of dudes like that who had like a fucking whole thing.

[1948] But they, and he had a huge following in the southwest, not including California.

[1949] But Lubbock, Texas.

[1950] Lubbock, Texas.

[1951] He'd take me on the road.

[1952] What does he like?

[1953] He's still a, he's, he would be in my death pool if he had a Wikipedia page.

[1954] He doesn't have Wikipedia page.

[1955] He's gonna die.

[1956] He like calls me every couple months.

[1957] Like, he's fucked.

[1958] It's a long story.

[1959] I want to do a documentary about all the 80s comics and thought they had it made.

[1960] We were making five grand a week.

[1961] You didn't even have to have jokes.

[1962] And they, but they banked their light.

[1963] You know some of the relics of that.

[1964] Yeah.

[1965] And do a...

[1966] Did you ever see the documentary Beyond the Matt?

[1967] Beyond the mat.

[1968] What is it about?

[1969] It's about wrestling.

[1970] And it has like Jake the Snake Roberts and he's all fucking playing some armory and Kearney, Nebraska and smoking crack.

[1971] And then old guys that are still trying to do it and their knees are falling apart, like fucking, but they're still in it.

[1972] And then guys trying out for it.

[1973] So it's a whole balance of this whole wrestling scene, like new guy.

[1974] old guy and I would love to do a documentary like that about comedy the guys that thought they fucking had a ride there's a bunch of guys that Vic Dunlop was like a guy that I like when I thought of this idea Captain Rowdy is such a fucking magnificent story but do you think those guys I mean some of them are still working right so they're just out there just but there's guys that made it too like the guys to get a perspective of the guy that is fucking dying and lost his legs to diabetes and just did coke down to where he's playing fucking Biloxi, Mississippi.

[1975] Mr. Saturday night, you know, those guys.

[1976] Right, right, right.

[1977] It would just be a beautiful fucking documentary to watch.

[1978] It could be interesting.

[1979] They're just guys who just rode it to the wheels fell off.

[1980] And there's guys that are still doing triple gigs in their 60s.

[1981] Yeah.

[1982] But they're happy with it.

[1983] There's some.

[1984] Some are happy, yeah.

[1985] Yeah.

[1986] When I was living in Boston, there was a lot of guys.

[1987] People won't accept When people are happy with things that they've built some kind of fake value system on.

[1988] Well, if you don't, well, you're not there so you can't be happy.

[1989] No, I'm actually fucking wicked happy living in a small town with, yeah, yeah.

[1990] I didn't move there to fucking make it big, stupid.

[1991] Doug, do you remember when we first met, I came to.

[1992] I forgot Brian's here.

[1993] I'm like, who was talking?

[1994] I came to Ohio University, and it was like, recorded you and it was that's still on YouTube yeah it was a I walked like 600 people they fucking they build me as I I still and I it was that tour if not that night is the last time I can remember doing a show sober and I remember like Ed Helms was on the fucking bill Kristen Flanagan Finnigan yeah again Finningin again yeah somehow I fucking that was the last time you did a show sober last I can remember it was it was it was parents I don't like doing shows sober.

[1995] I don't find myself amusing fucking sober.

[1996] It was parents, a teacher weekend, though.

[1997] They build it as like a family -friendly show.

[1998] Yeah, they were - But it was parents -week -end.

[1999] Parents -week -family.

[2000] Family -friendly is listed in the program.

[2001] And there's not a lot of fucking on -campus options for entertainment.

[2002] It's not a town.

[2003] It's a fucking campus with your parents.

[2004] And under fucking fun for all the family is the Comedy Central presents to her with Doug's, you know, fucking everyone else.

[2005] that they found fine.

[2006] And then I like, your kid's gonna get fucked here.

[2007] I mean, people in the video, like, people are like yelling like, you get off stage.

[2008] You know, I mean, this is Ohio.

[2009] If you like this year, like some angry dad right beside where he's filming.

[2010] Are you finding this?

[2011] Wow.

[2012] I know it's on YouTube.

[2013] How did you get out of here?

[2014] We're watching it right now.

[2015] You're right here.

[2016] This is the whole set?

[2017] No, it's just pieces of your set.

[2018] And then it goes to the part where the guys start yelling.

[2019] All right.

[2020] People are like, Like, there you go.

[2021] Dude, this audio is way too bad.

[2022] Then the guy starts screaming out, though.

[2023] You can hear that.

[2024] Yeah, it's just, it's right.

[2025] He's talking about butt fucking.

[2026] Fred Norris, would never have these kind of delays.

[2027] Just saying.

[2028] Yeah, he wouldn't.

[2029] But that's the charm.

[2030] Part of the charm is the fact that this fucking glitches in the Matrix.

[2031] Here it comes right here.

[2032] I barely can understand what you're saying, unfortunately.

[2033] I know.

[2034] I wish he could, if he could cue it up, then the guy.

[2035] Yeah.

[2036] Oh, here we go.

[2037] He's full of shit and anyone crazy enough to listen to that motherfucker is full of shit.

[2038] He's, that's what he's.

[2039] But the whole time, there's just people standing up and just, like, filing out because this was like the first, I think this was like the first weekend with, like, all the news students, you know, where they.

[2040] It was a third of the crowd in a theater.

[2041] Yeah.

[2042] It was so weird.

[2043] Wow.

[2044] That's an uncomfortable feeling.

[2045] Oh, yeah.

[2046] People always get angry.

[2047] But I'm, you know, this, this uncomfortable feelings.

[2048] Do you?

[2049] Yeah, like we did those fucking music festivals knowing I was going to get fucking trashed.

[2050] What music festivals?

[2051] Leeds and Reading.

[2052] When did you do this?

[2053] This is recent?

[2054] Like two, three years ago.

[2055] Oh, what happened?

[2056] It's just, there's no way I'm going to fight.

[2057] These are people that bought tickets for three days.

[2058] Right.

[2059] They didn't buy tickets to you or comedy.

[2060] Right.

[2061] There's a tent.

[2062] Right.

[2063] And I'm not, I'm not a guy that's.

[2064] I'm not fucking Headberg where I go there's another joke I I'm a guy that I'm like this I'm a fucking two -hour podcast of me stuttering and looking for a cigarette yeah and then yelling about something when it strikes me it's not going to work at a music festival they were fucking just audibly booing me just because I'm boring to them well you've so got your own crowd now too I know but it's they know what you're doing and they want to see it and a person who doesn't know you right it's like you don't You don't even want to try to get them in there.

[2065] Like, you're not designed to work.

[2066] You know, like when you're coming up, your act is sort of designed to work on as many people as possible.

[2067] You try to sort of maximize it.

[2068] Now I'm defining them.

[2069] Actually, I'm turning down fans at this point.

[2070] But then, yeah.

[2071] It's a waiting list.

[2072] It's like a Lambo field.

[2073] I can only have this many fans.

[2074] Sorry.

[2075] Stand on the porch like Fight Club for three A's.

[2076] You must get a lot of weird motherfuckers to come.

[2077] visit you do you you're so de Niroing all the fucking time I don't know what's going on I'm still fucking high as shit including indeed when I first moved to L .A. Doug was the first person that like I was friends with I think uh like like well you obviously Joe but like Doug would like call me up and just be like hey man I'm bored you want to go make some videos about you the only the stuff you can say behind your back because you're very angry what I don't talk shit no no I'm say it's always fun to talk shit behind joe's back oh well we may used to make these you're so i'm saying i probably talked a lot of shit about joe to you oh well we used to make these videos uh because he got mad at verizon uh dsl because he had dsl at the time and so we we were like let's go to the thrift stores he would go to the thrift store and we'd buy like terrorist outfits and then we made these we made these videos we made these videos and i sent them to all the Verizon, like, it was like two days after that guy had been beheaded.

[2078] So it was even afraid to put these up.

[2079] Like, I remember being like, all right, you could get too much shit.

[2080] Yeah, dude, this is dangerous.

[2081] You got Arab writing.

[2082] What is that writing?

[2083] Yeah, no, but this was the day after everyone was like, I was not really Arabic.

[2084] Praise me to myself.

[2085] This is embarrassing.

[2086] You told me my service would be turned on in three days.

[2087] It has been a week and a half.

[2088] And by the way, that's jug on both sides.

[2089] He's dressed like a ninja.

[2090] He's got a burq on for some reason.

[2091] You got a burke on.

[2092] You're a man. That was thrift store Muslim, baby.

[2093] Back where before the Muslims wore tags off their burkas.

[2094] Hey, why don't we just play the fucking man show?

[2095] Yeah, what are you doing, Brian?

[2096] Hit him in the head with the pan.

[2097] Go ahead.

[2098] The second video is where he hits me in the head.

[2099] Okay, let's not.

[2100] Let's stop.

[2101] Let's stop right here.

[2102] but yeah let's stop the whole podcast I think we've done enough this podcast has been like fucking what has it been like two and a half hours long two hours 20 minutes oh shit so at some point you're right at some point we're right well the first 20 minutes I'm like we've been here for like four hours no no it's only six o 'clock we're still good we're still good for your show yeah they'll have cocktails since you're good you want to keep going I'll be good for the show you want to keep going another like 15 20 minutes oh I'll fuck can talk as long as people it's not like we're putting in work on the fucking job want to dig another 20 minutes and then call it a night yeah people fucking you can turn it off at whatever point yes that's a good good piece of advice you don't want to see me get hit in the head with a fucking no I'm good dude it goes on too long it's not like you it's not like the fucking Braia improv where they're paying for parking I'm listening to a podcast you're taking a shit right now goes a little too long yeah if it goes too long just make it fucking three parts you're the director asshole it was one minute long three part by hitting it was one minute long yeah you quit uh you quit the cigarettes for a little bit right yeah for a year got fat started smoking again stayed fat now I cough while I'm fat so you did it as sort of a dietary measure to just no no I just I quit for a year like 2000 and eight and then uh went to costa rica and uh buck 25 a pack at the bar and you're like and you can smoke everywhere you can smoke at bars you just figured fuck it just for this vacation been going out yeah well we'll just just for this week and yeah so i've been trying to quit since 2008 oh wow that sucks that must feel weird man that's got to be a very weird thing like connected to something, you know.

[2103] And it's not easy to escape, right?

[2104] The worst part is every time he smokes, I want to light one up immediately.

[2105] Like, I'm like, I just see it.

[2106] And I'm like, all right, I got a light one.

[2107] Yeah, I told you I quit coffee recently.

[2108] But it's only been like eight days.

[2109] I can't even say I quit coffee.

[2110] I'm just seeing what it's like.

[2111] It's not drink coffee for a long time.

[2112] This is the third time this has happened.

[2113] But when you said fried clams in a conversation before, right?

[2114] I just fixated on fried clams.

[2115] And I made my face make the motions like I'm.

[2116] I'm listening, but I was thinking, and then you said something about fucking burritos.

[2117] You're hungry?

[2118] No, it's just the third time when you said coffee, I'm like, fucking Bailey's coffee.

[2119] And then I'm looking around and I distract myself.

[2120] So what you're saying is that I got a good voice for advertising.

[2121] Just every now and then you mention a fucking thing where I'm just saying, when I look like I'm being fake, I am.

[2122] Because you're thinking about whatever delicious item.

[2123] I'm thinking like, why is Robert De Niro saying I should have a Bailey's coffee?

[2124] Oh, Douglas Why do you think I never think Robert De Niro With you Joe I don't know I think more of A Julio Galatius guy Or whatever that guy's For all the girls I've loved before Again I have a fucking high eyes Where this is I'm glad you came along I dedicate this song To all the girls I've loved before You need a mole At one point I thought I was get my elbow In the pool Because the ashtray is right here And in one point, I'm like, and I pulled away like I was going to get my...

[2125] All those cigarettes during the time we do this podcast.

[2126] How many is that?

[2127] Yeah.

[2128] That's so, like 10?

[2129] He gave me a whole pack.

[2130] He gave me a whole pack.

[2131] He's three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

[2132] Nine cigarettes.

[2133] You're crazy.

[2134] It seems like so many more.

[2135] Yeah, goddamn change smoker.

[2136] David tells two packs a day.

[2137] David tells the worst times two.

[2138] Yeah.

[2139] But he goes to the doctor, so he knows he has emphysema.

[2140] Like, I don't know nothing.

[2141] I don't know anything.

[2142] How many you swung in a day?

[2143] Not as many.

[2144] A pack?

[2145] Yeah, a pack now, probably.

[2146] There's nothing that replaces that, huh?

[2147] Do you ever try cigars?

[2148] I could quit.

[2149] I just fucking have to take time.

[2150] I've quit before.

[2151] Cigars would make you a classy dishbag.

[2152] Unless you're Ron White.

[2153] Like Ron White has this exempt.

[2154] He has this whole fucking, a whole circular exemption from everything.

[2155] I completely agree.

[2156] Every picture he has a drink in his hands.

[2157] Ralphie Mae is hid under a cloud of that.

[2158] You don't know why Ralphie Mae got the am.

[2159] but Ron White earned it and he has this whole Ralphie Mae's a lovable guy right yeah but Ron White with his Ron White earned the whole yep 100 % did I tell you what he's buying jokes from you know he has a lot of writers right and uh Andy he has a good bought a couple of Andy Andrews bit really and I when I saw him in Austin I go yeah you're buying like my buddy you get a couple of his bits and he said without any shame whatsoever.

[2160] Ron White says yeah we buy a lot of really funny bits from really funny comics and then what we do is take the teeth out of them so they're not funny anymore and then my audience applauds.

[2161] He's just like yeah I'm fucking buying material I'm fucking selling fucking snake oil to fucking suckers because I know this ain't gonna last so what does he he waters his act down is that what he's doing?

[2162] He's just back off.

[2163] He plays to that audience and he's he'll tow his fucking Rolls Royce off the back of his tour bus he's like he's like he's like a vanilla ice in like like jokingly like he's like flashing all this because he knows it's pointless oh so you mean like vanilla ice like flashy like you like drives rolls rolls like rappers like I'm sorry this is the second time in fucking three days where I try to find fucking rapper rap reference and i so let's go with l l cool let's go with bird man i said vanilla he's known for his love of automobiles and he's very wealthy how about bird man can we go bird man okay it's a rat you fucking listen to i don't fucking garbage well what i was listening to that's why reality tv works because everyone wants to think they could do it too and that's why rap music works because yeah you could do it too i like some rappers man i like gnaz do you know Nazas?

[2164] No. Really like that guy.

[2165] I love old busy smalls.

[2166] I think it was in a playoff.

[2167] I can listen to Notorious B -I -G all day.

[2168] I love that old shit.

[2169] That old boy.

[2170] I love his rap style.

[2171] I think it's rhythmic.

[2172] It's fun.

[2173] It's fun for me. Yeah.

[2174] But you don't like music.

[2175] I understand.

[2176] I understand.

[2177] But you don't like music.

[2178] But I can look at fucking Zeppelin on the wall and go, I'm fascinated that someone could learn to do that.

[2179] not someone sat on a fucking bus with a notebook bitching about their fucking shit I would take this for almost everybody except notorious B -I -G he didn't just make shit rhyme he made shit rhyme with like a flow and a rhythm to it that was fun it was fun to listen to I never in a that guy's an artist he was a fucking artist and what he did was very difficult to do it's very difficult to duplicate there's a bunch of guys that are a rap artist listen I am like Cyprus preaching from the most uneducated i'm just saying things with confidence i know nothing about music it doesn't interest me i'm like the last guy and that's why i always say i hate music is because i'm such a comedy snob that i know if someone said oh who do you like jeff dunnam and peanut and i immediately hate you because you said that like i have a bias against you and i know that i'm that much of a pedestrian and when it comes to music.

[2180] So if I go, yeah, I fucking love the counting crows.

[2181] Like now I have to fucking, there's no apology, which is an apology when you say, I'm not even apologizing for like in matchbox 20, like whatever.

[2182] What is the, I mean, for most people, like music is sort of a source of pleasure.

[2183] It's like a, you know, it's fun to listen to, it's motivating.

[2184] What is it about it that do you think it's just, it interferes with the noise in your head?

[2185] I always, I found it summed up succinctly in a book.

[2186] that I will now misquote and ruin.

[2187] But the fucking guy, the drunkard guy, he was a drunkard in England.

[2188] I always want to say Alistair, but it's not Alistair.

[2189] McAllister, fucking, I can't remember his name.

[2190] He summed up how pop music ruined the pub culture in England.

[2191] Because when they introduced the jukebox, that played over the conversation that you were there to have.

[2192] So you go to the fucking bar to talk.

[2193] And now someone introduced music where either you want to listen to the music or you want to have the conversation.

[2194] And that's why I've always hated music.

[2195] It's something that I want to enjoy.

[2196] Like if I'm really high and I have 400 songs from my life that I can remember that I like.

[2197] They're on an iPod.

[2198] If I need music I go to it like people go to comedy clubs once a year.

[2199] I hear you.

[2200] do you find that did you used to like music it's something that you just no i've liked enough music it's just but it's a part time thing to me like most people comedy is a part time thing to us that's life fucking listening and words and i fucking love music i get it inspired by it i love when i'm working out i love listening to it i love listening to it i love listening to it i love listening to it sometimes when i'm just thinking about shit it encapsulates a mood for me i just appreciate the art i don't know how to do it I don't know anything about music.

[2201] I can't sing.

[2202] I don't know how to play a fucking single instrument.

[2203] So my interest of it is like purely as just a fan.

[2204] Believe me. I wish my fucking likes were more normal.

[2205] A lot of people want to be fucking weird and out there.

[2206] I want to, I wish people liked the fucking my iPod.

[2207] I wish I could play three songs on my iPod without someone saying, what the fuck is this?

[2208] It's the theme to Welcome Back Carter.

[2209] That's why it's on my fucking iPod.

[2210] Makes me happy.

[2211] My iPod's that too.

[2212] Yeah, I've got some stupid shit on my iPod, too.

[2213] It's, uh, it's the greatest American hero.

[2214] Believe it or not, I'm walking on air.

[2215] Wow.

[2216] Imagine trying to put that show on today.

[2217] They were like, what the fuck is going on?

[2218] That dude with an afro, that skinny dude with the afro is just beating everybody's ass.

[2219] Actually, that would work.

[2220] That would work, actually.

[2221] Did you ever beat anybody up on that show?

[2222] Of course he did.

[2223] Where did you get his power from?

[2224] What show?

[2225] The greatest American hero.

[2226] Where do you get his power from?

[2227] I don't remember.

[2228] I just remember him running.

[2229] into walls a lot fucking glory holes a skinny 80s fucking blonde guy in tights he was my first celebrity sighting when I moved to Los Angeles really?

[2230] Yeah at a glory hole no it was at a Starbucks basically the same thing I used to sell coke to him through a glory hole Greatest American hero used to come in there everything the greatest American hero and he was to suck my dick front eight ball I swear they're gonna believe Who they're gonna believe Greatest American hero Or Joey Diaz Come on dog Who do you think you're dealing with That's just a fun dude And you hit another one man You're just a chain smoking motherfucker I know in my fucking head This is this is a Nighttime Radio It's cool It's cool that we can smoke in here I mean I don't smoke but I like the fact That you can smoke in here There's not a radio station in the world Where you can actually smoke in the studio That's done man Those are businesses man Man, those are not places of art. Every time you go, do you have, like, friends that do radio, like Dale Dudley.

[2231] I did Tucson radio.

[2232] It's like, I've lived in Arizona for six and a half years, never done Tucson radio somehow.

[2233] They're like, Tucson's against entertainment.

[2234] Really?

[2235] Wow.

[2236] And the shittiest fucking comedy club in the world that still exists since 1980.

[2237] How far is Tucson from you?

[2238] 90 minutes.

[2239] That's where I fly out of.

[2240] But it's 90 minutes with no fucking traffic lights.

[2241] It's just desert.

[2242] Right.

[2243] And a border check.

[2244] Jesus Christ.

[2245] Border Patrol has a 50 -mile radius.

[2246] How did this fucking town?

[2247] You're like only a couple miles from Mexico.

[2248] How'd this town evolve?

[2249] Because it's like a little...

[2250] But it's sort of an art town.

[2251] Yeah, well, the copper mine went bust in the 70s, so all the property values dropped, and all the fucking hippies swarmed in.

[2252] Really?

[2253] Yeah, they occupied Bisbee.

[2254] Because they were selling property.

[2255] There's no work.

[2256] How do they figure out how to get all together, though?

[2257] That always freaks me out.

[2258] Like, how do gay neighborhoods start?

[2259] How do, you know, how do people like everybody say, listen, there's fucking two of us.

[2260] We're living in this one building.

[2261] The building next door has got vacancy.

[2262] Yeah, same way Burning Man started.

[2263] Right.

[2264] Yeah.

[2265] Hey, this is cool.

[2266] You stopped doing your yearly thing, didn't you?

[2267] Yeah, because too many people showed up.

[2268] I didn't know.

[2269] The whole point of art. We had a fucking Death Valley party that we do every year.

[2270] Just like all the people you meet on the road.

[2271] every year in Atlanta and you know two people there they're fucking great but you're on the they're not your friends because right right so the whole idea was to bring all those people into death valley with no fucking cell phone reception or TVs and there was this little motel uh and we did that for till like get to a point where seven years in well people that brought people last time brought people and these people so none of your friends are there and all their friends so it's like after a show and you're just like shaking and it could be cops and the cops were around yeah the fucking house would tilt us to when there was some plain clothes yeah I would imagine that that you and your your crowd would be a perfect target there's like seven cops in Death Valley so the one guy comes in a polo shirt and they're like he's a cop we're the only ones that don't know we're tourists that's hilarious he wear a polo shirt sir can I have permission to wear a shirt with no collar permission denied officer you don't have to you if you're a bad undercover officer if you need a t -shirt to convince a fucking perp come on boy get out there put them in pink underwear there's your boy right sheriff Arpio he's the guy in Arizona he's amazing guy death list yeah nice I have it like I had to pick one comic so I went with Ralphie Mae I knew it's going to be a fat black guy went with Ralphie Mae Listen how close I've been I'm not a black comedian anymore Really?

[2272] Southern It's more and more southern Is he doing Fargo now He just He just switched it up a little bit Ralphie's just getting out of the hospital You know Yeah he had a pulmonary embolism And there's part of me going He's so many points on my death pool Oh I'm doing good And I'm like Oh it's my friend But if he lives or dies, it's not, it's not my control.

[2273] I had to pick one comic and I had a, who did you just mention that was on my death pool?

[2274] Oh, Joe Arpaio.

[2275] That's my wish list.

[2276] So I had one pick that was a wish list, which was Nancy Grace, Nancy Grace.

[2277] Oh, now Joe Arpio.

[2278] All these weird border guys, man. That's a weird way to live.

[2279] when you're living as the law enforcement in a place that's known to have people sneaking in from a third world country that's where things get crafty you know things get real tricky when you're dealing with that sort of a situation you got a bunch of people sneaking into your state all the time I mean it's probably a reason why he's more fucked up than anybody else you know but he's in Phoenix he's a fucking egomani oh he's nuts for sure but I mean that attitude is acceptable somehow or another more down there you know what I'm saying like right next to the chaos but it's easy to make a us and them situation out of that sure but people really want to stop that nonsense I mean they want to stop Mexico from coming in Arizona and one of the reasons why Arizona is so like Republican and so you know so right wing is because they're right next to fucking Mexico you know I think that's the same way Texas is you know and the same way Southern California San Diego is really conservative too you actually on a much smaller level they fucking hate Canadian at the border too do they really because they don't tip oh one of the fucking like tipping is one of the most important things that no you know fucking work the UK all the time and they're assholes yeah is you fucking can I get ketchup like normally this comes with ketchup where I'm from and I don't want to put you out but can you get and they they're fucking cunts because they don't work for tips yeah yeah working for tips is big it's a good system it's good and it's good to be real generous you know Tommy Lee Jones you just started getting some Tommy Lee Jones with the new lighting really that's my new look Tom is nice well at least you're going with good people you know no I haven't gone from the gay guy from no the horrible old Tommy Lee Jones oh the old Tommy Lee Jones that's sad made me sad bro you end this podcast on a bit downer note are we done no we're not done I'm just I got to pee so I'm trying to think of when to end this just go who's out who's on your show tonight Christine Levine Christine Levine.

[2280] Wicked funny.

[2281] Yeah, cool.

[2282] Should be the new Roseanne, but no one will notice.

[2283] Really?

[2284] Wicked to check that out.

[2285] Talk to Brian for a minute.

[2286] I'm going to pee, and then we'll wrap his bitch up.

[2287] Let's talk behind his back.

[2288] Let's do it like how we used to do it, right, Doug?

[2289] He really doesn't like women, though.

[2290] I know he hates when you say you hate women.

[2291] That's what it used to be, right?

[2292] Like, he was really concerned about, like, people are like, you're a woman hater, and drove him crazy.

[2293] like when people said that to him or something like that remember that yeah yeah no he was uh i don't know if he still is like that but yeah he's so mellow now i've seen him fucking just dressed down a chick for no reason she's some dumb chick but that's what comics thrive on yeah stupid we're not you we need a dumb chick stop yelling at her for being dumb she's dumb she's dumb she's here because she's dumb my favorite my favorite part though earlier was when you you call joie dyes on that jar and he was like what's a change jar and I'm like thinking like how do you not know what a he fixed I swear it was Joey Diaz he fucking stole my change jar because everyone would come in and out but only Joey was denying that he was doing drugs so anytime someone's denying what they're known for yeah defensively yeah when's your next break because you usually no one ever stole from you going I'm cooked out of my brain and then just stole your shit right no I'm trying I'm trying to working out I'm trying to work you out and I'll get a, you know, just borrow your VCR.

[2294] My girlfriend really is addicted to flash dance.

[2295] I can't believe they remade that movie.

[2296] Now, are you taking a break soon?

[2297] Because I know you do, like, stand up for like six months that you're on the road or something like that.

[2298] And then you take breaks or...

[2299] Yeah, I always say I'm quitting.

[2300] I don't know.

[2301] Who knows?

[2302] I have UK dates booked.

[2303] After that, I'm not booking shit.

[2304] You got in trouble last time you were overseas, right?

[2305] Like, I remember seeing...

[2306] I remember seeing the...

[2307] with some like you said something there's always some they's so easy to fucking stir up fake fucking the newspapers are so bored there you have like 19 newspapers on an island right didn't a guy some guy get in trouble though or like some DJ oh a DJ it was censored or something because he just mentioned a YouTube clip of mine that's ridiculous yeah what happened about I was doing the BBC and some fucking poor bastard afternoon like BBC snotty radio they treat their radio like fucking Winston Churchill still fucking talking on it and this guy is like I did a perfectly straight into yeah we're performing here for however long and blah blah blah and he goes but you're very controversial and I go yeah there's not none of that I can do so he just mentions if you don't believe it's not for everybody if you don't believe it see a YouTube clip about Sarah Palin and you'll know not to it's not so people actually went there it's about it's just a dumb retard baby it's a really funny bit how's it go I don't know it's fucking railing on Sarah Palin having a retard baby and how she didn't use it in the debates I don't I'd never I went back because the fucking guy it was almost fired from BBC from mentioning that YouTube clip he was being insensitive to fucking retards or whatever they call him over there wasn't your bit something like she had uh what was it she had two sons and they were both retarded how did it go yeah one was at down syndrome and the other was uh elected to go to iraq or something like that i don't i never watched a fucking clip till it came up when said it and I watch a clip I go fuck that was a funny bit I used to put so much more effort into comedy do you do you when you write do you like just think of ideas and like remember them or do you like take notes at all or because you're constantly coming up in this shit on my hand like my fucking attention span and my memory is such shit now you write it on your hand I'll write it on my hand till I get to a notebook because I don't carry a fucking notebook do you if you have one of those droid phones you can actually talk to it I knew you were going to do this you can talk to it and then your bits will be in google's offices I'm in first class I'm in first class and I pull out my old fucking fucking dog -eared notebook to take notes and I go to the first class um does anyone have a pen I want it to work on my set on the way here no one had a pen everyone had a fucking I'll text you it bra yeah no I'll just type yeah there's not a lot of draw anymore i wonder what the fuck's going to happen to cursive is that going to go it's going to go i hope i could not write in cursive right now yeah it's going to go writing itself when i have to write anything like when i fucking send something and fill out an actual piece of paper i'm like wow this is an alien thing making little marks i hope you recognize my mark my fucking accountant harvey altman man mentioned him like uh fucking seven hours ago yeah can you just take that out of my account or something you're my accountant why do i have to write a check he's one of the fucking guys i have to sit and write a check due which is so foreign he doesn't want the ability to just take money out of your account he might go wacky that's when you bitcoins bro bitcoins bro that's the internet currency right well that leads us to our next episode about fear factor two that's right coming up on bankruptcy what do you think about this whole bitcoin thing about the idea of uh i mean what is the the concept of it is it's a monetary form of currency it's on the internet right and people agree to it how does it work what's it backed by I have no yeah I don't care it's stupid stupid as braya yeah but it's kind of interesting not far not even an hour it's interesting because um yeah no yeah it's pretty close um because um the the bitcoin is like the first attempt I've ever heard of anybody coming up with some sort of a currency even if it's like really minor league I mean remember what Napster was like when it first came out that was pretty minor league and look what Napster became you know all these years later look at, you know, you're getting songs instantly on your phone.

[2308] That Shazam thing where it's hooked up, it tells you what the song is, you play it, you press Shazam, there's music playing, you press Shazam, it records a song real quick for like 15 seconds, sends it somewhere, it sends it back to you, tells you what the song is then, gives you an option to buy it.

[2309] It's all right there on your fucking phone.

[2310] I mean, that's insane.

[2311] I mean, there's never been anything even remotely like that before, you know?

[2312] Yeah, I can text.

[2313] Yeah.

[2314] he's like Joey Diaz from five uh two two years ago but I'm not angry about it like what once you find yourself railing against what's new is when you're old that's when you're your fucking grandparents like all right I just I don't have the fucking I don't need it like if I have a need to do all that thing with a fucking cell phone I don't I have no my life is really easy I've had a really good life and I have no problems I don't need to fuck I live in a place I don't need to map quest anything like it's over there I I I almost wish I wanted more really that's interesting so what do you get your kicks out of that was kind of the whole point of the DMT trip which is unexplainable with you was about you have desire and desire it's almost an anti -Buddhist thing but yeah I don't I wish I wish I wish I wanted more.

[2315] Fucking Louis C .K. I think he's something I read about myself after the Louis C .K. That was awesome, by the way, Doug.

[2316] That was really weird to watch because I know you, but it was also, I thought you did amazing in it.

[2317] All right.

[2318] My favorite episode.

[2319] I almost felt like I paused to Shill for applause and gave it to me. No, fuck, now I don't remember my point.

[2320] You're Louis C .K. we're talking about having joy taking joy you wish you had more joy in what you do yeah no fucking yes I lost the point um completely what do you get your kick out of do you get your kick out of performing do you get a kick out of killing still do you still enjoy like a fun set no no wow well I I'm no I'm always relieved that I didn't have a shitty set at best like is this psychological I don't know everything's psychological right but I'm saying is this like something changed in life and just the way you view things.

[2321] Yeah but I can't pinpoint it because I'm a logical person like I can really I don't have to go to a fucking guy to talk like I try to find right that's why I'm not listening to your boring fucking bar conversation because in my head yeah I'm boiling something down to a point right in your head you're you're working in the background I can't find where I became kind of miserable.

[2322] Hmm I know it was somewhere around the breakup with my wife but not connected like I was kind of like in a manic phase anyway well it's also could be the fact that you're drinking a lot of alcohol on a regular basis and that just really is going to depress you in a certain extent it's not eliminated from the fucking list of suspects yeah I'm really kind of tweaking about this coffee thing it's very shocking to me how much different I feel from not doing coffee for eight days you know I really didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal but the the big deal is that I'm not tired anymore I used to get tired in the day.

[2323] Like somewhere in the day I'd get tired, you know, late afternoon or something and I'd just have to force myself to go to the gym so I'd have another cup of coffee and then I'd fire up and I'd go work out.

[2324] But I was tired when I got there.

[2325] I'm not tired anymore.

[2326] Like the whole day, it's like I'm even.

[2327] And I was like, oh, this is what you're supposed to be like.

[2328] You're supposed to be even.

[2329] You're not supposed to be just fucking spiking every, you know, fucking hour and a half with some dark liquid that fires up your fucking adrenal glands.

[2330] Like what is that?

[2331] Braya, I'm about to phone it in come on baby you're not phoning it in Doug Doug I love I'm gonna get you on fucking kale shakes and squats I love bingo the death but do you think maybe it's something to do with relationship wise because you say you don't have sex anymore I mean do you have you want do you need to porn star the doctor Drew show what the fuck's going on here what's this love line here Brian it's this been since I've been a fucking adult in any relationship the more you just I the more you like them as a person the less I want to fuck them yeah but you think that's maybe your overall.

[2332] I look how Joey Diaz said it.

[2333] I'm slinging good dick.

[2334] I'm slinging good dick.

[2335] I don't know, man. I think you might be hanging out.

[2336] If you say it with confidence doesn't mean you can.

[2337] Maybe you're hanging out with a wrong crowd.

[2338] Maybe you're not hanging out with a positive crowd.

[2339] You need to move to L .A. You might not have to move back here.

[2340] I miss comics so fucking badly.

[2341] Come back.

[2342] Come back with us.

[2343] You can live here.

[2344] You can live here.

[2345] We'll be here all the time.

[2346] Listen, all you have to do is come back here and we could do this.

[2347] We could fuck around like this all the time.

[2348] And we do shows this 85 foot.

[2349] Now you don't have to live here You can live in fucking Crestline, man You could live in the goddamn mountains You can live in Pasadena There's a town There's a town Crestline in the mountains Lake Arrowhead up in the mountains You don't have to live here You could live there's a lot of spots outside Yeah, no, no I like small town You can find small towns in California I like knowing everyone's name it Safeway I hear you Hey You love it then that's good But you could also have You should go that small You should go that small maybe You can go dual residency bro You don't have a dog Do you have a dog?

[2350] Two Bring them.

[2351] Fuck it.

[2352] Dual residency.

[2353] Wrong to a dog.

[2354] Kind of dog.

[2355] Speaking of dogs, the fucking Tucson, please help me. Oh, okay.

[2356] Humane Society.

[2357] When is it?

[2358] The Rialto, December 10th.

[2359] December 10th, ladies and gentlemen.

[2360] Get on it.

[2361] Where can they buy these tickets?

[2362] It's Walsh, Brody Stevens.

[2363] Brendan Walsh, Brody Stevens.

[2364] That's a fucking one -two -punch.

[2365] Oh, Jesus, folks.

[2366] We got music in the mix.

[2367] Who else?

[2368] Neil Hamburger.

[2369] Oh, come on, son.

[2370] Never seen his act.

[2371] Heard good things.

[2372] Who else?

[2373] Garrett Stab as a local And of course A beautiful, fantastic guest at from Miss Lynn Shawcroft Shazam, there you go So that's a fucking hell of a show Ladies and gentlemen Hell of a show December 10th Get on that shit And they can buy tickets where?

[2374] I don't know Somewhere you can find it out You're not stupid Just Google it December 10th I've seemed interested But then I couldn't Tucson Arizona The Rialto Theater Doug Benson And Posse And crew You're having fun dude You need to surround yourself With more positive people This is hurting me hanging out with you here Hearing you all bummed out I'm not really bummed out I'm just really fucking new at being I haven't gotten high in a fucking year Is that what it is but You're being Debbie Downer A little bit I'm always You just I say bad Well I mean you're not having sex to me I'm so hyper aware of everything other than It's not Tripping is never good for fucking entertainment No it is it is I was just I tried a small fucking portion It's still good It's still good It was fun It was a fun conversation.

[2375] It's cool.

[2376] People enjoy these conversations.

[2377] They get to see you, you know, who you really are, man. They get to see all of us who we really are in all sorts of different situations with tripping, sober, drunk.

[2378] I've got more feedback about the first one where I go, that had to be boring to everyone.

[2379] It was just me talking to you about old days and shit.

[2380] It was fun.

[2381] People enjoy it.

[2382] But people loved it.

[2383] Yeah, you got to be positive.

[2384] I think you have a tendency to go negative.

[2385] It's like a tendency in your thinking to go negative.

[2386] Unfortunately, it's, fuck.

[2387] and sets little triggers in your brain and it sort of defines your outlook on things when you do that and you can fuck yourself into a bad state of mind we can forgive Fear Factor too but if you start going motivational speaker I'm going to tell you Robbins bro I'm going to get one of those Bobby Brown headsets I'm going to go out there and I'm a show of people to you know negative vibes create negative atoms in your DNA you make negative children your spin residence is all off man you need a different crystal on your neck she got the wrong excited be be excited be that was the we could um go off forever about uh motivational speakers but the last thing i want to talk to you about is comedy classes because i thought this is really funny how well i'll cease i've talked to on the phone like is again it's like dain cook like you yeah it we i talked to kyle cease i go it was it was funny it created good internet buzz yeah it's a dumb thing i'm always hyper i don't have to to be high to be hyper aware of how pointless comedy is and the fucking scam that we get away with doing this for a living when it should be free.

[2388] You say that and I agree in a certain way, but another way I don't agree because I was always happy to pay for it and I enjoy it still as an art form.

[2389] I think it's the most fun form of entertainment.

[2390] I think that we've been in it for so long.

[2391] I think for some of us we might have forgotten how much we appreciated it in the beginning.

[2392] I've forgotten that it's still the same thing.

[2393] I've always forgotten it.

[2394] I was always...

[2395] You're always hating it from the beginning?

[2396] No, not from the beginning.

[2397] Just 10 years in?

[2398] Once I knew the Hollywood blowjob was like all a fallacy.

[2399] Like, I don't want to do anything more.

[2400] It's like Heedberg's joke about...

[2401] Oh, you're a comic.

[2402] Can you write?

[2403] Or can you act?

[2404] It's like saying, oh, you're a...

[2405] You're a...

[2406] You're a cook.

[2407] Can you find it?

[2408] arm yeah yeah i remember thank you for letting me fucking embarrassed mitch headberg's fucking grave you got through it though you still got a good punchline out of it because there's a pause but you know what you didn't you didn't do a lot of us i saw i've only had three drinks by the way in fucking three hours so you're right give you my dude everything's great no worries no i'm worried about braya you know you know how you're fine i can't wait 21 years of comedy do you know how many times I've played the Braya Improv?

[2409] Never.

[2410] So if it goes poorly, I'm not worried about my career.

[2411] Dude, it's a great comedy club.

[2412] Oh, no, I'm sure.

[2413] You're gonna love it.

[2414] Bray's one of the favorite.

[2415] If you go in with that attitude of it doesn't fucking matter, you're usually funnier.

[2416] Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

[2417] I'm looking forward to your show tonight, man. No pressure.

[2418] No pressure.

[2419] I'm just going to sit and be creepy in the back.

[2420] And if you're doing something I don't like, I'm just going to shake my head.

[2421] I'll put myself in like a real.

[2422] really no last night last night uh i go yeah rogan said he's coming but he's no way he's coming why is you said and because it's fucking irvine that traffic yeah no fucking wait but we already worked it out that i was coming tonight yeah well no you said oh i'm gonna come to both and i know you're not going to come to both who would it's i said that it's high it's probably it's ridiculous why would i come to both why would i that would be even creepier if i to sit I didn't watch the same shit twice.

[2423] Rogan's a man of his word.

[2424] I go, no, he's saying it flippantly.

[2425] There's no, there's no fucking comedy.

[2426] Love you, Dan.

[2427] There's no one joke, no dead fucking Patrice O 'Neill wrapped up in a Greg Giroldo with a Freddie Soto on top.

[2428] There's no comedy worth driving to Irvine from L .A. That's not true.

[2429] I would totally go.

[2430] I was going to go see you.

[2431] If you didn't do the podcast, and you were only doing Irvine, I would have gone to see you there.

[2432] for sure because braya to me is almost yeah but you have a convoy of right now if you drive to fucking irvine they make traffic move and there's a convoy with flags on town cars oh i wish that'll be awesome could just have magic i go hey i'll do your podcast uh i think we can con my record company into getting a driver and he rogan goes ah now i have my own service i'll have Yep, but $1 .30 good for you?

[2433] Is that odd?

[2434] No. But the fact that you have a bell that you ring out on your porch to summon the person, that's...

[2435] Yeah, no, no, that's it.

[2436] Affluence.

[2437] But no, you're not someone I feel uncomfortable around.

[2438] Like, you and Ron White were the two guys that, like, all right, no matter how, like, you're still you.

[2439] Yeah.

[2440] Who's changed?

[2441] Who have you ever met that got some money?

[2442] And, you know, for a lot of people, you know what it is, man?

[2443] They get something.

[2444] and then they don't want to lose it and then they get scared and then they clam up and then they stop doing anything controversial stuff guys I know like Atel I've never no one gets close to Atel like he's just Well he's you know what I don't like to ever You know judge anybody Or look at them all in categories I just tell you who I love And I love Atel Atele I would say It's the fucking pound for pound As they say in your industry The best The best of our generation I don't know if I can agree with that Because you know Well, quite honestly, I shift back and forth on a bunch of different guys.

[2445] I go back and forth.

[2446] But I stopped trying to put him in an order.

[2447] But Headburgs is a specific guy.

[2448] But like, joke for joke, no one has more fucking jokes and personality than to tell his five jokes in a joke.

[2449] Well, I will never, you know, argue with you on that.

[2450] I just think he's amazing.

[2451] But I don't put him all in an order.

[2452] You know, I just have, I've decided somewhere along the line just to appreciate him.

[2453] Don't try.

[2454] There's a little trapped for me at least.

[2455] There's a Hunter S. Thompson part of it where you go, would you want to be that miserable of a fucking person?

[2456] To be that good?

[2457] To be that funny.

[2458] You think he's more miserable than you by how much?

[2459] Oh, yeah.

[2460] No, he's really, like, he makes me like, I go, just let's go to Costa Rica together.

[2461] Let's just go on vacation.

[2462] Well, I've got this pilot.

[2463] It's no good.

[2464] And I'm, you know, fucking.

[2465] He had a DVD, like, for three years he's been editing, but he hates every word of it.

[2466] you're like you write more fucking jokes in a conversation while I'm drunk than I write in a fucking notebook in a year well what he is is a real fucking professional it's a Bukowski thing do you want to be that fucking miserable of a person to put out that good of art me I'd rather fucking phone it in I honestly don't think it's an either or I think you could just enjoy the whole process I fucking I love it Hey, faggot that's about to email and say this thing went on too long.

[2467] We have two minutes.

[2468] Pause and then, yeah, part four is right now.

[2469] We've got to end it because we're running out of space on the iTunes.

[2470] Yeah, I want fried clams.

[2471] Listen, you dirty bitches.

[2472] You know, we love you.

[2473] Send our love throughout the world.

[2474] Send our love to the fleshlight for sponsoring this podcast.

[2475] Go to joe rogan.

[2476] Click on the link for the fleshlight and enter in the code name Rogan and you get 15 % off.

[2477] and you will use the same masturbation device that me and Brian do Mmm, it's yummy I like it I'd have used it too But last time I did your fucking podcast You kind of flashed it around Like it was swag And you didn't give it to it?

[2478] I forgot That's all just a space move I apologize greatly I still have your fucking Nike sneakers I stole from you on the show Sweet I'll have the fleshlights send Them to you How about that?

[2479] 212 Van Dykes Street Don't don't do it Why I already did it once Don't do it on this one you guys send shit but address it to bingo just send whatever weird shit she loves it she loves nothing but mail we live in a town where male still means something go fuck yourself for me and joe rogan thank you to on it ban on it dot com oh and nit dot com uh check out the alpha brain balanced new tropic supplement check out new mood the 5 htp and l tryptophan supplement and shroom tech, the cordyceps mushroom energy supplement, which is fantastic for working out.

[2480] Check out all that shit.

[2481] Go to Joe Rogan .net, click on that link.

[2482] Entering the code Rogan.

[2483] A little something for the smokers.

[2484] Get yourself 10 % off of that too.

[2485] All right.

[2486] Thank you, Doug Stanhope.

[2487] It was a beautiful experience.

[2488] As always, can't wait for your show tonight.

[2489] Thank you, Brian Redband.

[2490] Thank you all you, all you fucking freaks.

[2491] We got Shane Smith from vice .com next week.

[2492] We're going to talk to this motherfucker about the craziest shit on earth.

[2493] He's just getting back.

[2494] That guy.

[2495] he's one of my fucking heroes too that guy's getting back from Japan right now he was checking out the reactors okay he just got back from India where he hadn't seen a toilet in a month yeah that is a savage one guy of why doesn't everyone know this yeah exactly well I think that's gonna change soon he's awesome he's awesome and he's gonna be here next Tuesday you fucking freaks all right we love you take care bye bye everybody big kiss mhm