Space: 5 Ways To Correct, Calm, and Command Kids Without A Fight

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[22] Hey, everyone.

[23] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[24] I wanted to do a short podcast on the idea of space, giving kids, space.

[25] And here's why.

[26] I'm coming to you from a hotel room somewhere.

[27] I'm not sure where because Casey and I've been crisscrossing America for the last three weeks trying to give parents very, very practical tools.

[28] And this idea comes up a lot.

[29] So I wanted to give you five quick ideas about the importance of space.

[30] So one of my favorite examples of giving kids space and also ownership of their choices is this.

[31] Let's say you've got a couple kids and one of your kids says something mean to her sister.

[32] Now, typical approach as a parent, nothing wrong with this, is to come into the room and say, young lady, you need to apologize to your sister right now.

[33] And what's that daughter going to do?

[34] The strong -willed child, when told to do something immediately, is almost always going to resist.

[35] No. Young lady, if you don't apologize right now, I'm going to take away everything you own.

[36] Fine.

[37] Sorry, stupid sister.

[38] Right?

[39] That's what you're.

[40] you're going to get.

[41] And for many of your kids, that's pretty decent apology, right?

[42] But let me show you a different way to handle this.

[43] Let's say that you walked over to your daughter and in a very low -key, confident way, because that's how I like a lot of discipline.

[44] Look, it's partly why I want people to listen to our CDs is because it just gets into the tone of voice that is so critical with these kids.

[45] And I want you to have a very quiet confidence because that is very settling to kids that are prone to being upset and to being very strong -willed.

[46] So imagine you walk over to your daughter and say, hey, honey, I know that when you're ready, you know the right thing to do.

[47] And then you walk away and you start to drink.

[48] Now, I'm just kidding.

[49] You don't drink.

[50] But you're going to feel like it because it feels like it's now out of your control because you're not making your daughter apologize.

[51] But here's why I like this.

[52] There's a certain amount of respect in here all the way around.

[53] You're respecting your daughter saying, I respect you enough to believe you know the right thing to do.

[54] And you know why?

[55] Because I have modeled that for you a hundred times in our home when I've done something wrong.

[56] I love the phrase when you're ready.

[57] Now, here's a caveat.

[58] Never, ever, ever use it this way.

[59] hey son when you're ready put your shoes on we need to go never then because you'll never get the shoes on but in an emotional situation in a power struggle situation here's what that phrase does for the strong -willed child see i'm a very strong -willed person when you would demand that i do something immediately i resist but when you use that phrase when you're ready it's almost like it releases them to do the right thing, but you're giving them some space to do it.

[60] Now, here's the other hard part.

[61] You have to walk away.

[62] Now, I know in your mind what you want is, I want the apology done right now so I can check it off my list, right?

[63] So I've taught them to apologize.

[64] And the other part is you want her to say, Sister, I'm so sorry I use such hurtful words, but here's the hard part about your strong -will child.

[65] They're not always going to do things the way you want them done.

[66] She may not even apologize today or tonight, but tomorrow morning she's going to wake up and do something thoughtful for her sister as an act of contrition.

[67] And your appropriate response is to go to your daughter and say, hey, honey, that was really thoughtful.

[68] Appreciate how you did that.

[69] And then walk away because she did apologize, just not in the way that you wanted her to do it.

[70] second example another one with a couple girls but this can be boys too but let's say this is your daughter and here's what I know about many of your kids they're very very particular about things many of your kids don't get along that well with human beings but they love animals so let's say your daughter's working out at the horse farm right and a picture this a mom and a daughter in that horse barn and one of the things that we know about your kids is they're often very very particular so this afternoon when your daughter's trying to put her riding boots on, they don't feel the right way.

[71] So she's getting all flustered and she's starting to like, I hate my riding boots and she's starting to throw them down on the barn floor, right?

[72] You get flustered and you say, young lady, you know what, I paid a lot of money for those riding boots.

[73] If you don't treat them with respect, you're never going to ride a horse again.

[74] And that always works really well.

[75] It escalates things, right?

[76] So imagine you said, oh, honey, listen, I'm getting a phone call.

[77] And you step out of that barn for two minutes for three minutes.

[78] I bet when you come back in, your daughter will have her boots on with a different attitude.

[79] Why?

[80] Because you gave her some space to wrestle with her own emotions without you standing over her.

[81] And that's really important.

[82] So afternoon scene.

[83] I'm doing homework with your son.

[84] And I guarantee many of you when you correct their homework, your kids melt down to get really upset.

[85] So here's a different approach using some space.

[86] Hey, son, listen, good job on the math worksheet.

[87] Listen, I've circled number four, number nine, number 12, and number 17.

[88] You may want to look at those.

[89] Listen, I've got to go get started on laundry.

[90] I'm going to go get started on dinner.

[91] Whatever it is, I'm going to go.

[92] If you need some help or clarification, just come get me, let me know.

[93] And then you walk away.

[94] And now you've just given your child.

[95] some space to deal with his own frustration.

[96] Otherwise, here's what it feels and sounds like.

[97] Hey, son, come here.

[98] Let me show you all the things you did wrong.

[99] Now, I'm just going to stand over you while you correct them.

[100] And I'm going to nitpick oftentimes and show you and get frustrated because it should be pretty simple.

[101] And I know you already know this, but you're not doing it the way I want you to do.

[102] Oh, can you see how frustrating that is?

[103] It's kind of like if you work outside the home, and I came up and said, listen, Bill, the report you turned in, it's pretty good, but a few of your assumptions were off.

[104] I need you to rethink this recommendation.

[105] So I'm just going to walk back to your cubicle with you, stand over you in your cubicle, and just watch you revise this recommendation.

[106] Right, you wouldn't put up with that.

[107] You need a little bit of space.

[108] I used to give kids space to calm down.

[109] So we used to have, we'd have 10 to 15 kids in our home.

[110] And over the course of a decade, we had like 1 ,500 kids.

[111] in our home.

[112] And you can, by the way, you can find out more about this and about us and read our personal story.

[113] If you're new to us and just found this podcast, go to celebrate calm .com.

[114] And you'll find other podcasts.

[115] You'll find blogs.

[116] You'll find all kinds of free information and more about our story and philosophy and what makes us different.

[117] There's an FAQ page there you can find as well.

[118] So we'd have these kids in our home, and I noticed they were getting upset.

[119] So rather than talk a lot, which makes them more upset.

[120] Sometimes I'd do a non -verbal kind of thing.

[121] And I knew some of the kids like playing football.

[122] So I'd walk into my living room.

[123] I'd hold up a little Nerf football.

[124] I may even toss it up in the air to myself a couple times.

[125] And then I'd remove myself and go outside.

[126] And what I was communicating was, I know that you're frustrated, and I'm just going to give you some space.

[127] I'm going to go outside.

[128] And if you want to come join me and we can play catch, I'll help you calm down.

[129] Right.

[130] It's just give you.

[131] space.

[132] Final example is this.

[133] Sometimes even giving chores to kids, I'd say, listen, I'd do this my son all the time.

[134] Listen, I'm about to tell you something you're not going to like.

[135] And listen, I don't need you to like it.

[136] I don't even need you to be happy.

[137] I don't even need you to have a good attitude right now.

[138] I'm giving kids some space to own their own reactions.

[139] But case, I don't need you to be happy or like it.

[140] I just trust that it's going to get done.

[141] So by 7 o 'clock, I want you to rake the leaves in the backyard.

[142] And then I would often remove myself and walk away.

[143] Why?

[144] Because I knew he wasn't going to like it.

[145] I don't want to get in a fight about it.

[146] I didn't want to react to him when he was like, oh, I don't want to do my chores.

[147] Tours are stupid.

[148] It gave him some space to wrestle with his own disappointment and then just go do it.

[149] So I encourage you this week, look at all the different ways from the time you get up in the morning to getting your kids to eat to dinner time, bedtime, bath time, whatever it is, homework time, emotional times.

[150] Think about the idea of space.

[151] And if we can help you in any way, let us know.

[152] Just email my son, his name is Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at celebrate calm .com.

[153] You can even put the word space in the subject line and he'll know you listen to this podcast.

[154] And if we can help you with anything, just let us know.

[155] We're a family like yours.

[156] My son, Casey, was very, very strong -willed child.

[157] he gets all the stuff he gets your kids he knows how to help you we've got a sale on some special products right now and he'll help you with that and he can help you even financially with things because we know some of our products are on the surface they look very expensive and I always do want people to have an investment because our resources are extremely helpful and practical and they'll change your family but if you need help financially he'll help you with that.

[158] Just email him or you can call him at 888 -506 -1871.

[159] He's super friendly, super helpful, and he'll listen to you and help your family out.

[160] But thank you for investing this time to learn how to calm your kids down and really to build a closer relationship with them through the idea of space.