John Leguizamo

[0] Hey, what's up?

[1] My name is John Leguizamo, and I feel, how do you feel about being caught?

[2] I feel great about being caught.

[3] Wait a minute.

[4] What is that?

[5] That's the least convincing.

[6] What, what is?

[7] Hi, what's up?

[8] My name is John Leguzao, and I feel great about being called.

[9] No, no, no, no, no, no. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[10] We're going to be friends.

[11] Hey there.

[12] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[13] The podcast, it always delivers.

[14] I'm sorry.

[15] I just, I don't know.

[16] I tried to go in with that big hard sell up front.

[17] Yeah.

[18] And I think I overdid it.

[19] What does it deliver?

[20] I don't know.

[21] I mean, it's just, I guess just it always delivers people chatting.

[22] in an informal setting.

[23] Do you know what I mean?

[24] It does do that.

[25] Yeah.

[26] It's not like a motor oil that always delivers peak performance at maximum RPMs.

[27] It's not that.

[28] We deliver comfortable chat in a confined period of time that will fit your commute nicely.

[29] We promise to deliver some kind of noise.

[30] There'll be some noise, some of which you may enjoy.

[31] If not, I think it's free.

[32] and we deliver.

[33] The bar is so low.

[34] Yep.

[35] That's my motto and show business.

[36] Set that bar real low and then fail to clear it.

[37] Come on.

[38] And also fail to say fail.

[39] I just said fair to clear it.

[40] It's been a long day.

[41] I had a long day.

[42] You had a really, really long day.

[43] I had a really long day.

[44] I probably should tell people who are listening at home.

[45] I'm an incredible athlete and I competed in several seven Iron Man tournaments today.

[46] We had a few bitches earlier with the TV show.

[47] Yeah.

[48] But I thought maybe when you said you've had a hard day, it was a chance for me to lie and let people think that I am an incredible athlete.

[49] No. Not true.

[50] Not that.

[51] Gourley, how are you?

[52] Well, I've got something that might cheer you up.

[53] Oh, okay.

[54] I'm going to say 40 % chance that's true.

[55] Okay.

[56] And that's being generous.

[57] It's cause for celebration because Conan, Sona, happy 100th podcast episode.

[58] What?

[59] You're kidding.

[60] No. Oh, what?

[61] We've done a hundred podcasts.

[62] Yes.

[63] Congratulations, pal.

[64] Don't touch me. It's COVID.

[65] I'm sorry.

[66] Jesus, what are you doing?

[67] You can't touch people.

[68] God, I'm so glad I'm not with you, too.

[69] I know.

[70] Hey, that's a milestone.

[71] Remember when we started out?

[72] I think it was Will Ferrell was the first one.

[73] Yes.

[74] And I remember then people saying, this isn't going to last.

[75] I think Will Ferrell said it immediately.

[76] Yeah.

[77] He said, this isn't going anywhere.

[78] It defied a lot of odds.

[79] Yeah, he walked out.

[80] Yeah, he stormed out.

[81] I've never seen him that mad.

[82] No, that's incredible.

[83] I can't believe it's been 100 episodes.

[84] I know.

[85] That's cool.

[86] Yeah.

[87] And I think we've had, I'm going to say, I think our batting average is not bad.

[88] I think we've had a lot of really fun encounters.

[89] Ah, I think all of them have been fun encounters.

[90] Yeah, I think so.

[91] I think so.

[92] Yes, I think every episode has been really fun.

[93] I think it's been really fun to do this with you, to do it with Matt.

[94] I think the three of us have a good time.

[95] Why are you saying it like you're under duress?

[96] I'm not being actually sincere.

[97] I am being sincere, too.

[98] No, you don't know.

[99] I am.

[100] I am.

[101] I really do, I think we have a very nice chemistry.

[102] and I really, I think, have laughed incredibly hard, and especially during COVID, I'm thrilled to get to come in and do this because it's like, it's just a nice escape.

[103] For me, I mean, I hope it is for the listeners, but for me, it's a nice escape to have some of these conversations.

[104] It's a balm, B -A -L -M, balm, a soothing aloe vera for my soul.

[105] That's good.

[106] That's good, you spelled it.

[107] Troubled times.

[108] Well, sometimes you say bomb and people don't quite hear it.

[109] But anyway, that's great.

[110] A hundred episodes.

[111] You must have bought, did you buy us?

[112] Who would buy us something?

[113] Do we get each other something?

[114] I know.

[115] Shouldn't we get a cake or what do you do for a hundredth podcast episode?

[116] Is that diamonds?

[117] I don't know.

[118] Matt, you're the podcaster here.

[119] What happens?

[120] Yeah.

[121] I feel like Adam Sacks, the sort of guru behind the podcast, should dig into his own pocket and get each of us a...

[122] A Bentley.

[123] Yes.

[124] A Bentley.

[125] And mine should have a license plate, Pod 1.

[126] Your should have a license plate, Pod 2.

[127] And Sonas, just to confuse people, should have one that says Pod 4.

[128] And there's no three.

[129] But yeah, Adam Sacks, who has done very well with his other ventures.

[130] He was the one who gave Elon Musk the money to start up his company.

[131] He owns a big piece of SpaceX.

[132] He got in big to online pornography when it was just starting as an actor and then as a producer.

[133] and probably stuff you can look up about him online.

[134] But no, he's done a brilliant job, and I'm sure I don't think Bentley's are coming our way.

[135] I like my Kia.

[136] If someone gave me a Bentley, I'd probably still drive my Kia.

[137] Oh, that's...

[138] Sorry, did I bum everyone out?

[139] Did I ruin it?

[140] No, you're keeping it real.

[141] You're keeping it real.

[142] Your Kia's very nice, especially considering the car you had before the Kia.

[143] Okay, moving on.

[144] Absolutely awful.

[145] She had a car, and when you would get in it and she would turn on the air conditioning, It smelled like bad cheese.

[146] Is that true or false?

[147] It's true.

[148] And we did a segment on it on the show and you broke it and then you broke like the of some things on it and you never fixed it afterwards.

[149] That was on the TV show.

[150] Yes.

[151] We never talk about the TV show on the podcast.

[152] Oh, we talk about it all the time, don't we?

[153] The podcast is the mistress.

[154] Yeah, what's this TV show?

[155] The TV show is the wife.

[156] So the TV show is the wife.

[157] I've been with the wife a long time and I'm doing the best I can.

[158] and to keep it together.

[159] The podcast, Coroner Bride needs a friend, is, well, let's just say...

[160] It's the gumar.

[161] It's the gumar.

[162] It's this incredible, hot relationship with this Sicilian woman much younger than me. Spice.

[163] And I have, yes, spicy.

[164] And she has a fiery temper.

[165] And she's always saying, Oh, you said, you're going to get rid of the wife.

[166] That is kind of what this is.

[167] Yeah.

[168] And I say, I'll get rid of the wife.

[169] I'll get rid of the wife.

[170] I'm just doing it a little longer until the kids are a little older.

[171] The kids meaning, you know, Andy Rector and the people that work on the show.

[172] Oh, right, right, right.

[173] But no, we know, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get mad.

[174] Don't get mad.

[175] Let's just have incredible sex right now.

[176] Oh.

[177] But, you know, and then I'll find, what?

[178] Wait.

[179] How do I?

[180] Hmm.

[181] No, no, no, no. There's no analogy there.

[182] I mean, I just say that this is, this is my true passion.

[183] This is my spicy Italian.

[184] affair in this podcast.

[185] That's good.

[186] And hey, something to spice this all up because it's 100 episodes, we're doing something kind of special.

[187] Do you want to talk about that?

[188] No, I do not.

[189] Good night, everybody.

[190] Good night.

[191] I do.

[192] I do want to mention this because this is the kind of thing you can only do with you a mistress.

[193] I couldn't do this on my TV show.

[194] Look at the way I talk about them.

[195] There's my TV show.

[196] And then there's my podcast.

[197] No, this is exciting.

[198] Because I'm here to tell you that we are going to be next week, next week announcing the Golden Ticket.

[199] What?

[200] Yeah.

[201] Oh, tell us all about it.

[202] Very good, Matt.

[203] I see why you've made it so far in this game.

[204] This is a special moment because we are announcing the Golden Ticket.

[205] That's right.

[206] Let me explain the Golden Ticket.

[207] A few lucky fans are going to get the chance to virtually meet me, Sona, and Gourley.

[208] A few fans will be lucky to get the chance to virtually meet me, Sona.

[209] and Gourley, and possibly be featured on this podcast.

[210] So here's what you do.

[211] You listen to next week's show to the Kevin Hart episode, and it's a good one.

[212] Let me tell you something.

[213] And you will find out on that episode if you've won a Golden Ticket.

[214] Make sure to also watch the show, the TV show, and follow Team Coco on Instagram for other chances to win.

[215] More details and rules at teamcoco .com slash golden ticket.

[216] We want to thank our friends at State Farm for helping make this all happen.

[217] They grease the wheels, if you know what I mean.

[218] Thank you, State Farm.

[219] And, yeah, this golden ticket thing could be good.

[220] And I like meeting people.

[221] Yeah.

[222] How does it feel to be the Willy Wonka of podcasting?

[223] The creep who has a chocolate factory and forced laborers.

[224] Yeah.

[225] Do you realize how sick, how nauseated you'd be by the sight of a chocolate stream if that was your Day in, day out existence.

[226] That's the thing I always think about when I see the original, not talking about Johnny Depp, the original Willy Wonka, is that, yeah, it's fun to pop in, but if day in, day out, your job is to stir a giant caramel vat, you'd start to be sickened by it.

[227] I guess.

[228] Also, there's so many health and safety problems at Willy Wonka's factory.

[229] OSHA would have shut that thing down a long time ago.

[230] On that tour alone, six kids are killed.

[231] There's no protective rail around the river of chocolate.

[232] Augustus went there and just started putting his disgusting fingers in there and drinking out of the chocolate stream.

[233] Yeah, no, it's clear that OSHA inspectors come by, government inspectors come by to check it out, and Willie Wonka has them murdered.

[234] Yeah.

[235] What letter grade do you think it gets?

[236] Oh, no, it doesn't ever get a lower grade.

[237] Every time they send someone from the government over there to check it out, they don't come back.

[238] And then somewhere in Wonkaville is biting into their chocolate bar and they bite into an individual.

[239] index finger.

[240] And they're like, what the hell?

[241] They're in the candy?

[242] Yes.

[243] Oh, my God.

[244] That's what a gobstopper is.

[245] Oh, God.

[246] It's a testicle.

[247] What the hell?

[248] A gobstopper is, yes, an OSHA inspector's testicle that's been ossified, calcified, and then caramelized.

[249] So when you're sucking on that gobshopper, it's a dead OSHA worker's testicle.

[250] Murderer!

[251] You're a murderer, Wonka.

[252] Anyway, I hope that doesn't ruin the original movie for anybody and probably explains why they won't let me do the intro on that movie whenever it airs on television.

[253] All right, we shouldn't screw around anymore.

[254] We've just probably created a major lawsuit with a very powerful film company.

[255] My guest today, very talented actor, comedian, writer, and director who has appeared in such films as Moulin Rouge, like the way I say that.

[256] Romeo and Juliet.

[257] Okay, that was just not in Ice Age.

[258] Okay, not important.

[259] Unnecessary.

[260] His one -man show, Latin History for Morons, is now available to stream on Netflix, and his film Critical Thinking, which he starred in and directed, is available on video, on demand.

[261] I'm very excited.

[262] This gentleman is joining us today.

[263] John Leguizamo, welcome.

[264] You know what, let's face it.

[265] You weren't that enthusiastic about being my friend.

[266] It took you a couple of tries.

[267] I was.

[268] Listen, please, please.

[269] Johnny Legs, Johnny Legs.

[270] That's what we always call you.

[271] I know I remember that.

[272] Is that back in 93, my producer, still my producer, Jeff Ross, on the show, he had a connection with you.

[273] And he was like, I'm going to call Johnny Legs, see if he'll come in and do a test interview, you know.

[274] And do you remember that cartoon about the Ardvark, the Ant and the Ardvark?

[275] Yeah, of course.

[276] The Ardvark was Jackie Mason.

[277] He talks like that.

[278] So I realized a long time ago that Jeff Ross was the Ardvark.

[279] in the ant in the yard bar because he's always talking to be like, hey, so what do you want to get a bite to eat?

[280] Do you want to get some soup?

[281] Let's get some soup.

[282] Hey, anyway.

[283] That is Jeff.

[284] Yeah, I called Johnny Leggs and he's going to do us a favorite.

[285] He's going to come in and he's going to do the guest interview.

[286] And so you were very kind.

[287] You were very nice to me back in the day.

[288] You've always been a gentleman, a scholar, and I have a lot of it.

[289] I've always enjoyed being on this show.

[290] I was on your show like nine times, bro.

[291] On NBC.

[292] Nine times.

[293] Are you kidding?

[294] Are you have any idea how many times you were on our show?

[295] I could look it up, but it would be more like in the 80s.

[296] You were probably out of 87 times.

[297] I was your co -host.

[298] You were on more than Andy Richter, I think.

[299] And there's a period of time where you're on the show more than I am.

[300] We've known each other so long, but this is a chance for us really to talk.

[301] Because one of the things I love about doing the podcast is there are all these guys like you that I talk to and you come out and you score and you're really funny.

[302] And then it's time for the next guest and maybe you got to run.

[303] and we don't get to really get down into it.

[304] And that's what this podcast is all about.

[305] I want to know the horrible things you've done in your life.

[306] Oh, yeah, this is the time for me to open up to you.

[307] Yes, yeah.

[308] And then you're going to regret it.

[309] Shit that I don't tell my therapist.

[310] Yeah, this is the stuff.

[311] Yeah, that's not going to happen.

[312] Are you out of your mind?

[313] Yeah, share everything you suffered or the dark side of yourself in a public form.

[314] Yeah.

[315] That was really fun.

[316] And the dreams you've had were you were in the arms of Shaquille O 'Neal, and you feel things you've never felt before.

[317] I mean, we've all had those dreams.

[318] I felt, I felt whole.

[319] I felt safe.

[320] First of all, let's start with the basics, which is, I'm curious how all my friends are throughout this insane period that we're going through.

[321] I don't know what we're going to call this pandemic after it's over.

[322] But you and I have something in common.

[323] Post -pandemic.

[324] Yeah, which is we both, you really.

[325] love being in front of a crowd.

[326] I have to say, I am very animated by being in front of a crowd.

[327] It gives me something.

[328] And that's just not happening right now.

[329] I mean, you more than almost anyone I know, you're constantly coming up with one -man shows.

[330] And I know it's just because you're addicted to an audience.

[331] You are addicted.

[332] I mean, I love it.

[333] It definitely feeds me. I mean, it's not the only reason I do one -man show.

[334] I'm doing it because I have things that I got to get out of my system and things I have to same field and things I have to accomplish in America before I I pass this this life.

[335] What's going on?

[336] What's going on?

[337] You get to a certain age and you know, you start thinking about your mortality and your legacy and no, you're too young for that.

[338] That's for like when you were 80.

[339] And the sooner you start thinking about it, the more you do.

[340] Oh.

[341] You know what I mean?

[342] The more you're accomplished because you like, okay, I got a certain amount of time to accomplish all the things I want to get done.

[343] And I got a lot that I want to get done.

[344] So, yeah, I mean, I love an audience.

[345] man, I do, but, you know, I've been doing a lot of Zooming.

[346] I mean, I'm doing like performances and there's like 30 people on it.

[347] So I don't feel like I'm alone.

[348] I'm always on Zoom.

[349] And I've gotten used to it.

[350] I feel like I am hanging out.

[351] I do Zooms with friends, you know, like with Ethan Hawke.

[352] We're doing a play together with Matthew Broderick.

[353] We did a charity event.

[354] I've been doing tons of stuff.

[355] Right.

[356] I don't know if the Zoom doesn't do it for me. I like, I like, I don't get that same feeling off as Zoom.

[357] What I do is I drive around with the window down.

[358] You know, so I'm distanced and I'm moving through the air and I shout what I think is funny stuff at random people as I pass them.

[359] And they're not sure.

[360] Does that have the same effect?

[361] I get a little bit of, first of all, they don't know who I am because my hair is so long now.

[362] Like, don't I look like a, I look like a very nice middle -aged woman.

[363] Oh, I was going to say like a surfer bro.

[364] Oh, a surfer boy.

[365] He does.

[366] Like, you like one of the beach boys.

[367] Yeah, I'm the beach boy that never went outside because he was afraid of getting skin cancer.

[368] answer.

[369] Yeah, right.

[370] The one that was neurotic, the OCD one.

[371] All my Beach Boy songs that I contributed to the group are about, you've got to cover up, at least SPF 50, beautiful harmonies.

[372] Bring a tent, bring an umbrella.

[373] Beautiful harmonies about it.

[374] You really should wait until the sun is like around 530, fewer rays, get through the ozone layer.

[375] Beautiful songs that people love, by the way.

[376] But vulnerable, they're so vulnerable.

[377] They're so vulnerable and really specific about.

[378] about skin disease.

[379] Yes, about skin cancer.

[380] Yeah.

[381] No, I mean, you don't worry.

[382] I mean, you've got that beautiful Latin skin, you know, that I think is gorgeous.

[383] I really do.

[384] I think it's like, we have talked about this.

[385] I like talking to you.

[386] This is fun.

[387] No, no, I'm serious.

[388] Yeah, I like my melanin.

[389] Yeah, you have.

[390] I wish I had more melanin, but I got the melon that I got.

[391] You got the melon?

[392] I got no melanin.

[393] I got absolutely none.

[394] And then little splatches.

[395] I've got little freckles, and I mean everywhere.

[396] Well, I got freckles, too.

[397] I'm a freckled fella as well.

[398] Where are your freckles?

[399] I don't think I've seen your freckles.

[400] It's hard to, they're there.

[401] They're all like, you know, you connect the dots.

[402] They're browner on a brown skin, so it's a little.

[403] Yeah.

[404] On you, it looks really good.

[405] I can see now.

[406] You don't have to get any closer than that.

[407] That's fine.

[408] I'm sorry, I'm very, I like intimacy.

[409] That's really good.

[410] I'm worried about what about about.

[411] Don't be afraid.

[412] Don't be afraid.

[413] I'm not afraid of intimacy.

[414] I'm just worried about that.

[415] You seem to be.

[416] I see a blocked poor, and I'm worried that's going to blow up on you.

[417] You know, I didn't realize, and I've known you for all years that you were born in Bogota, Columbia.

[418] I'm an immigrant.

[419] Yeah, I came here when I was three years old, and we came to Jacksonites, Queens.

[420] My family, we lived all in one room together and slept in one bed together, and there was like no living room, no dining room, no bedrooms.

[421] And my parents worked their asses off, and then we moved into a bed, an upgrade the next year where we didn't have a Murphy bed anymore.

[422] Well, no, we still had a Murphy bed, but my parents had their own private room so they could do their thing.

[423] The Murphy, well, yes, parents have got to do their thing, except my parents who I don't think ever did their thing but anyway Oh they must have done it because you're here well we don't know where I came from if anyone was created in a lab it was me but you know Murphy bed you're the great human experiment that's the great the great thing that used to be in old comedies it's the fold out bed it folds out in the wall and it was in the old comedies where you know guys would jump on it and then the Murphy bed would flip up in the wall and slam them in there yeah the feet would be gone yeah there's a bunch of things it's like the third 30s and 40s, the big thing was a Murphy bed.

[424] And you and I grew up, television was mostly them showing us stuff that was made in the 30s and 40s.

[425] Right, right, way back when.

[426] Because when you and I are growing up really coming of age in the early 70s, 1970s, I'm guessing, where we're watching all the local channels that you could get in that had reception would show you old three stooges.

[427] They would just show that stuff 24 hours a day.

[428] And so I...

[429] Oh yeah, 24 hours a day.

[430] Three stooges, Popeye.

[431] Yeah.

[432] Like things from the 20s and 30s, the hour.

[433] gang.

[434] Yes, our gang.

[435] Remember that, sir?

[436] So I grew up knowing about weight reduction.

[437] blah, waw, waw, waw, And we...

[438] I'm in the mood for love.

[439] Simply because you're near me. But it's so weird because you and I both are growing up in these families, a bunch of kids jammed together, and you'd think would be consuming all the really cool music and whatever was coming out that was really cool in 19.

[440] I was not, I was watching all this stuff on television that had been made in the 1930s and 40s.

[441] Even the Bugs Bunny cartoons were made in the 1940s.

[442] That's right, that's right.

[443] Like an anvil would fall on the coyote and flatten him.

[444] And I didn't know what an anvil was.

[445] I just knew it was a heavy thing that flattened coyotes.

[446] It took me. Right, right.

[447] Because he'd never seen one.

[448] But not blacksmiths.

[449] No, we had never seen an anvil, but the guys making those cartoons had seen anvils when they were kids because there were still blacksmiths.

[450] Because there was the 1800s.

[451] You were born in the 1800s.

[452] Most of the animators working for Warner Brothers were over 100 years old.

[453] And they were all, they had fought in the Civil War.

[454] Well, if you're in the 1930s and you're like, what, how old are you going to be like doing cartoons?

[455] Yeah, you're born in the 19th century.

[456] Yeah, in the 1800s.

[457] You're exactly right.

[458] So all I'm saying is that I grew up knowing about comedy gags where a person would have a weight reduction belt that jiggled your belly.

[459] Right, right, right.

[460] This machine they had in the 30s and 40s, that then didn't exist anymore.

[461] Because it was stupid and fake.

[462] All it was jiggle your fat, it didn't take it off.

[463] Yeah.

[464] Well, we've, since then, thankfully we live in a society now where there's nothing stupid and fake that's being sold to be able to.

[465] Right, everything really works now.

[466] Everything really works.

[467] Anything you see advertise.

[468] Advertising is true, right?

[469] But probably you like me figured out, oh, comedy or being funny can probably get me out of trouble if I'm in trouble.

[470] I mean, I don't know how we got that.

[471] I guess Bugs Bunny was always using comedy to get out of trouble.

[472] So that was like a big cartoon life lesson, right?

[473] Yeah.

[474] Now, would I throw a lit match if Mugsy was in here?

[475] Oh, you're my, rabbit, you're munch.

[476] Right.

[477] And it throws in lit match and put me out of you.

[478] Get me away from this crazy rabbit.

[479] So, I don't know, I felt like comedy definitely did help me. I mean, it helped me not get beat up.

[480] It helped me, you know, make my dad laugh.

[481] So he wouldn't be, you know, such a dictator and he was kind of horrible at home.

[482] And comedy was a thing that kept me just feeling safe.

[483] You know, it was my defense mechanism against a hostile world at home, outside on the street, everywhere.

[484] Comedy would make my friends laugh.

[485] It never kept me from getting bullied.

[486] The bully usually didn't get what I was, you know what I mean?

[487] They didn't get the reference.

[488] That's the problem with highbrow humor.

[489] And then I got slapped around, you know, or shoved.

[490] For being a smart ass.

[491] Yeah, exactly.

[492] But I remember...

[493] Well, you're making fun of me, huh?

[494] Yeah, Conan.

[495] This is a true story.

[496] I was with my brother, Luke.

[497] People were always confusing Luke and I. They thought we were twins.

[498] He was a year older, but they got us confused.

[499] And Luke is still incredibly smart.

[500] He's the really smart one.

[501] And he had no fear for some reason.

[502] And there was this market we used to go to near our house called Kirkman's Market.

[503] And there was some tough kids that hung around Kirkman's Market.

[504] And they would always...

[505] They didn't know my name, but they'd be like, Hey, Luke!

[506] Luke, and they'd come running over and surround us and just shove us around and basically intimidates us and it was scary.

[507] I was once there with Luke.

[508] Back then, kids in Boston would say, what are you mental?

[509] Meaning, and that just was like short for, what are you stupid?

[510] And so these kids would be like, what do you?

[511] They said something to look like, what are you mental?

[512] And Luke said, I'll never forget that.

[513] He said, well, mental comes from the Latin of the mind.

[514] So yes, and thank you very much.

[515] The beating that ensued lasted 10 minutes.

[516] And later on, I was like, what did you do that for?

[517] And he was like, well, you know, if they're going to use Latin words, they should know the root.

[518] And I'm like, you fucking got us.

[519] You made it worse.

[520] Yeah, you can't use etymology as a hatch.

[521] Latin has never stopped a fight.

[522] Bullies don't like information.

[523] No, bullies don't like it.

[524] No, they don't want you to correct them.

[525] Very few times in life has a bully, has someone been.

[526] you know, bullying someone, and then that person has pointed out to them some fact about the universe.

[527] And they've gone, you know, I'm going to put this giant fist away.

[528] I'm going to put it back in its case.

[529] Because I've learned so much.

[530] I've learned the meaning of life.

[531] My life has a new purpose.

[532] Did people think you were weird or you were able to pull it off?

[533] Because you could always do voices.

[534] I know that.

[535] You could always do voices and you could do different.

[536] Oh, yeah, I was always doing voices.

[537] You know, like I would go to parties.

[538] Everybody go, oh, John, put on that code and do that character.

[539] And I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, go, what's up, baby?

[540] So I would do my voices and people would crack up or my dad would laugh, you know, do me, do me, okay, do me, do me. Oh, stop it.

[541] Oh, stop it.

[542] You know, so I would do that, imitate him.

[543] Yeah, okay.

[544] Did your dad, because you said he had a temper, if you did an impression of your dad to your dad, did he let it slide?

[545] When he was asking for it.

[546] Not on my time.

[547] When he was feeling good and had a few drinks, that was all chill.

[548] If I was doing it when he was all other times, I would get a, a, uh, a, uh, a, uh, a big.

[549] beaten because I had to say with my dad you couldn't say like my dad was John come over here I go over here and I go what did you say what to me you have to say sir don't ever say what yeah because a Latin dad Latin dad's here what as fuck you really seriously so yeah you'd say sir you can't say what and so I would say what and I knew I would get a smack and I would get smacked and then I feel beaten up but at least I had I was anti -authority right that's I didn't know that that you have to say you had to say sir to your dad oh hell yeah I had to say sir I couldn't say what yeah my dad made him, me call him the admiral, even though he's not an admiral.

[550] He was, he, that was just because he was, you know, he'd lost his mind.

[551] That's mad authoritarian.

[552] You needed to resist.

[553] He would say, you will address me as the admiral.

[554] And I'd say, well, you've never served.

[555] You've never, I don't think you ever.

[556] You don't know how to sail.

[557] You don't know how to use a compass.

[558] Yeah, and he had an admiral's hat that he would take out that was all banged up and he'd put it on and go, I am the admiral.

[559] And it didn't go well.

[560] Are you confusing him with that guy that used to be on TV that used introduced Popeye, the Admiral?

[561] No. Are you having a mental break?

[562] Well, yes, that's what the podcast is for.

[563] Whenever I feel like I'm just about to go, I quickly run into the podcast studio and I'm like, get me Johnny Legs.

[564] I got to have my breakdown in front of somebody who will understand.

[565] Are you confusing reality with television?

[566] I usually do.

[567] We watch a lot of television, man. It was like our babysitter.

[568] I mean, I was watching T -24 -7.

[569] But it influences your comedy.

[570] Oh, incredibly.

[571] I learned so many comedy moves.

[572] by the time I was 15 because I was watching Marks Brothers, Three Stooges.

[573] I mean, a lot of old stuff.

[574] I mean, some new stuff, but predominantly old stuff, which when you think about it, they were all doing vaudeville.

[575] So we're learning our comedy moves, even though it's 1974, we're learning our comedy moves as much from vaudeville as we are from George Carlin.

[576] And what is vaudeville?

[577] Commitial Artie.

[578] I mean, it's all classic anyway.

[579] I mean, it's all really classic routines from the beginning of time, even from Aristophanes.

[580] Well, when did...

[581] I'm gonna get beat up for using that.

[582] My brother, Luke, my brother Luke is calling in right now.

[583] Did he say Aristophanes?

[584] I did say Aristophanes.

[585] And then he gets beat up over the phone, which has never happened before.

[586] I'm curious.

[587] I loved comedy, and it was just something I did for fun.

[588] It never in a million years occurred to me that I could do it for a living.

[589] Of course not.

[590] Did you know that you could do it?

[591] No. Hell no. I mean, that I can make a living out of it?

[592] Are you out of your mind?

[593] No way.

[594] I mean, I just loved acting and comedy and I just took acting classes and all of the sudden I went to NYU.

[595] I studied acting and I got into a student film and a student film won a Spielberg Award, which is like an Oscars for a student film.

[596] Then I got an agent and I was doing improv groups and I had a sketch comedy group.

[597] So I did that stuff, but I never thought I would make cash.

[598] I didn't think I would make money.

[599] I never saw anybody like myself, you know, out there.

[600] So I was like, I'm not going to make it.

[601] I was the only Latin person in my acting class.

[602] In my acting classes at college and, you know, in the comedy club, there was only one other Latin person to me. When you moved to Queens, was it a Latino neighborhood or was it not?

[603] Well, it was in transition.

[604] It was reverse gentrification.

[605] We were moving there, and there was a thing called White Flight.

[606] I don't know if you ever heard of that.

[607] I myself have practiced White Flight.

[608] I've run away from everything in my life.

[609] Usually from my wife.

[610] Oh, yeah.

[611] Well, she's angry, but tell me about that.

[612] So you move in and it's in transition.

[613] Right, so Latin people are moving in, all kinds of Latin people, Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, Colombians, Ecuadorians, and the white people, the Germans, the Irish, the Jews, the Italians are all leaving.

[614] Right, right.

[615] And, you know, of course, they all beat me up before they left.

[616] And just to make sure.

[617] Let's see.

[618] I turned off the gas.

[619] I locked the door.

[620] I turned off the gas.

[621] The car is locked up.

[622] Now it's time to meet Johnny Ladis.

[623] Oh, come here and look for the clock ready.

[624] Where's the fucking Johnny Legg?

[625] Hey, it says...

[626] Hey, and you!

[627] Hey, hey, hey, hey, come over here.

[628] Hey, you, you speak.

[629] Come over here.

[630] I want to talk to you for a minute.

[631] What do you keep moving in here for, eh?

[632] Today it would be Siri reminding them.

[633] Reminder, go beat up John Laquzoamo.

[634] Oh, thank you, Siri.

[635] You're a good friend.

[636] You're a good friend to have, Siri.

[637] He said John Laugu Zambo.

[638] He's a good friend to have, Siri.

[639] They're lowering the property values.

[640] I can't take it.

[641] I got to get out.

[642] I got to go produce a Conan show.

[643] And then I got to get some soon.

[644] I just can't keep it.

[645] I've been producing Conan all my life.

[646] I'm going to continue to my death.

[647] I mean, it's been a long run.

[648] But I'm thankful for the job and the security.

[649] I started producing Conan when I was 55.

[650] And now I'm 107.

[651] And why is he aging and I'm not?

[652] I don't understand it.

[653] I'm the methusel of producing now.

[654] But it's quite all right.

[655] I'm going to get that award.

[656] So you know what's fascinating is that you.

[657] You've had, you know, some people would say, okay, I'm just going to go into stand -up or I'm just going to go into sketch comedy.

[658] You got yourself and you were determined to get, apparently, a very broad education in theater and all kinds of theater.

[659] It felt like you had this sort of big appetite for, I want to know improv, I want to be able to do one -man shows.

[660] I want to be able to work in sketches with other people.

[661] I want to be able to work as you have with some of the best directors in the business.

[662] You had this appetite for throw it at me. I want to learn about it.

[663] want to take this seriously.

[664] Yeah, I said with the grades, you know, and I learned a lot from them, and it made me appreciate craft, you know, and so to me, craft was everything.

[665] I felt everything had a skill, and you had to learn it, like improv and sketch comedy.

[666] And then when I did one -man's shows, it was one -man show crafting, you know.

[667] I loved it.

[668] And also I'm a Latin guy, so my opportunities were all so limited.

[669] So I knew I had to do everything if I was ever going to survive in this business, just like J -Lo.

[670] J -Lo, what does she do?

[671] She has to dance, she has to sing, she has to sell Cologne, she has to be a judge on her show.

[672] I mean, because you know, you can't do it on just your, you know, your Latinness.

[673] Right, right.

[674] Probably hard for you because you've seen it change so profoundly since you were 19, 20.

[675] Right, and the Latino guy was this.

[676] Yo, what's up, baby?

[677] You know, what the fuck?

[678] I'm going to kick your ass.

[679] You're either a gangbanger, a murderer, a drug dealer, or you were cleaning somebody's house.

[680] And it was always, it was me Louis Guzman, Benicio Toro, Benjamin Bratt, and we go to these auditions and it'd be the fours, hey, what's up?

[681] Hey, what's up?

[682] Hey, what's up, man?

[683] How you doing?

[684] What's up, man?

[685] Oh, yeah, we're doing this shit again.

[686] Oh, yeah, we're doing this shit again.

[687] And then it's like, yo, they called me in, man, I'm coming in.

[688] I'm coming.

[689] And, you know, we all had leather jackets, bandanas on.

[690] It was so, it was, you know, it was like step and fetched Latin style.

[691] Right, right.

[692] I mean, obviously throughout your career, you just kept hammering away at, you know, changing that identity.

[693] And you look at what young kids are seeing now is if you had said when you were 19 or 20, I want to play Alexander Hamilton, you know what I mean?

[694] I can just imagine the reaction that you would get.

[695] Lin -Manuel, I mean, can you imagine him pitching that to a network or a studio?

[696] The studio heads would be like, excuse me, wait a minute.

[697] Hamilton is we played by a Puerto Rican and Burr's going to be black.

[698] I've got to tell you something.

[699] I know for a fact of founding fathers didn't speak in hip -hop.

[700] It would have never got done.

[701] man. It would have never been a movie.

[702] It would have never been a network or a streaming series.

[703] It just would have never happened.

[704] But the beautiful thing about theater and why I stayed in theater was because there are no gatekeepers there.

[705] You know what I mean?

[706] It's just a matter of you raise the money.

[707] You have a great script that you hope is critic proof.

[708] And boom, you're set for life.

[709] You know, your content doesn't have to be passed on by executives or lesser executives trying to prove they're worth giving you ridiculous notes.

[710] No, you do your thing with your director and boom, you're on stage.

[711] And then the audience either comes or doesn't and that's how you survive and that's how you know you're relevant.

[712] I know then the times of my life when I'm attached to a giant machine, I'm always conscious that I'm here by the grace of that machine, you know, that they can...

[713] By the machine you mean like when you were at NBC?

[714] Like a giant network or a studio.

[715] I know that I'm here.

[716] And what does that make you do?

[717] What does that make you do?

[718] Well, it just makes you, you know, I tried throughout my career to just let my weirdness, my freak flag fly, regardless of that.

[719] But there are periods in my time.

[720] Well, that's pretty amazing.

[721] I got to say that's pretty amazing because for you to have allowed yourself to be such a unique individual takes a lot of hutzpah and courage and cleverness, because how do you get that past the networks?

[722] Because they all want to make everybody, you know, the same homogenous.

[723] Well, you know, in the early days, what I learned.

[724] which was smart, was just agree.

[725] Eventually, they forget, and then when it starts to work, they forget that they told you it had to go.

[726] Like, you know, lose the stupid haircut, change the stupid name, stop acting like an idiot, and these sketches are so weird, stop being so weird.

[727] And what happens over time is they just, when it's starting to work, they're like, yep, yep, I knew that would be okay.

[728] And then the thing that's important to do is don't say, I told you so.

[729] No, no, no, right, right.

[730] say, yeah, no, thank you.

[731] Thank you very much.

[732] Just keep it, anything to keep it going.

[733] Right.

[734] Let, let make them think it's their idea and they came up with and then they love you even more because they believe that they are the ones that created you.

[735] Yeah.

[736] Created the success of the show.

[737] But you have done such a spectacular job of creating your reality.

[738] You can do a one -man show, but you can also be directed by a Brian DePama or a Spike Lee or be in like Romeo and Juliet or Moulin Rouge.

[739] You can, there's no putting you in a category.

[740] And I think that just comes out of talent and stubbornness.

[741] I'm guessing, because it's not just one.

[742] Definitely.

[743] No, it's not just one.

[744] You're right.

[745] It is a lot of stubbornness because I'm not going to quit.

[746] I'm tenacious.

[747] I wanted to be with all the greats like Baz Luhrman and Spike Lee, Ava DuVernie.

[748] And I got a chance to be in that incredible series when they see us with Ava DuVerni about the Central Park Five.

[749] Yes, I know.

[750] I saw.

[751] And I would, you know, I would have paid her to be in it because I don't want to mention that.

[752] You don't want to say that up fine.

[753] No, no. I'm saying it Now after, I'm not saying if I was really courageous, I would have said it before.

[754] I ain't stupid and I'm also cheap.

[755] You always want to mention that right up front.

[756] I'll do this for free.

[757] You do that after the fact.

[758] I don't know how old your kids are, but my son is 14 and my daughter's 16.

[759] And that made that so hard for me to watch, just knowing how sensitive and beautiful and innocent a 14, 15 or 16 year old can be.

[760] And to see them get put through that meat grinder unjustly, I just was nauseating.

[761] Just absolutely nauseating at the justice system.

[762] I mean, some of the kids weren't even there.

[763] That's the crazy thing.

[764] They rounded them up.

[765] I mean, it was a crazy, crazy story where Trump, you know, took out a hundred thousand page ad.

[766] I don't know how he paid for it because he's always broken his taxes.

[767] But somehow he paid for that.

[768] This is back when he paid his taxes.

[769] This is back.

[770] he hasn't paid his taxes in 20 years maybe you're right maybe that was right before this was just before when he overpaid he overpaid his taxes and he realized and so he decided for 20 years after this I'm going to recoup the overpayments that I made that's I'm pretty sure because this is a very pro -Trump podcast so I'm not going to well that's the only reason Sona would sign on she's a whole hardcore Trump person No no no no whatever well it's your first maga hat I ever saw was on Sona Anyway, that's her business, not mine.

[771] I want to ask you, you talked about growing up in the same room when your family first move to Queens.

[772] I believe that there's something magical that happens when you have to sleep with brothers in the room.

[773] In my situation, I grew up in a room with my two brothers.

[774] So there were three of us.

[775] Oh, three of you.

[776] Neil and Luke each had a twin bed.

[777] and I had a cot that was on the, against the wall.

[778] You're a big guy for a cut.

[779] No, no, I wasn't a big guy then.

[780] This was me. Oh, okay.

[781] Yeah, I was just a torso then.

[782] My legs hadn't shown up.

[783] And I remember just being in that room.

[784] And that would be something that some people would complain about now.

[785] Like, oh, I had to live in a room with, there were three of us in to our room.

[786] But I was thinking at the time, I thought it was the greatest thing in the world.

[787] I loved it.

[788] I loved being jammed in with other people.

[789] Right.

[790] I mean, my brother and I would talk.

[791] I mean, we always had a room.

[792] We always shed a room together, my brother and I. And we talk all night or goof all night or fight all night.

[793] You know, it was a great time, but we shared so much.

[794] I mean, it makes you a better communicator, you know what I mean?

[795] Right.

[796] Makes you a better storyteller.

[797] All those nights staying up until your mom comes in there.

[798] I told you to go to sleep.

[799] I had to go to work and you talk all night and talk, talk, talk.

[800] I like your mom.

[801] I like that.

[802] Oh, I love it too.

[803] But she was always trying to get us to go to bed.

[804] And it was like impossible, not my brother and I. My mother was always, her thing was drama.

[805] You know, there's the lady in the Marks Brothers movies that goes, well, Mr. Groucho.

[806] Margaret Dumont.

[807] Margaret Dumont, yes, Margaret Dumont.

[808] My mother always had a whiff of that about her, which was always kind of like.

[809] Oh, you're incorrigible.

[810] Yeah, well, she didn't have an accent.

[811] By finally, it's a pleasure.

[812] She grew up in Worcester Mass, but she, and very well educated, but she was just like, well, I'd like to think that my children wouldn't use a word like that, but I suppose.

[813] And the word that we had used was like knucklehead, you know, like something that should be allowed.

[814] Fat head or something.

[815] Yeah, exactly.

[816] Well, I was hoping that my children wouldn't stoop so low.

[817] It was always more of that.

[818] Still, that's still the voice I hear in my head.

[819] I'm curious, you've done so many different one -man shows, and it feels like there's obviously a drive behind each one.

[820] Latin history for morons.

[821] I love the title.

[822] What were you going for with Latin history for morons?

[823] What were you trying to say?

[824] Well, I think I was trying to, even the playing field for Latin people, I really, I really felt like it was a call to action for me. I had to make right what America, the psychosocial erasure that we Latin people have experience in this country for 500 years.

[825] I was like, I have to dig for the history and present it in a way that's really palatable to everybody.

[826] Right.

[827] So that everybody understands, even Latin people that were not less than, were not second -class citizens.

[828] We didn't just get here.

[829] We've been here for 500 years.

[830] And before that, we were great empires, Maya, Inca, Azte, Comanche, and Apache.

[831] And I had to get that information out there.

[832] And the beautiful thing is that's what happened.

[833] I weaponized this information.

[834] And all of a sudden, Latin kids are coming up to me who are 19 and 20.

[835] He goes, I was so angry.

[836] I didn't know what to do with it.

[837] But now at your show, I know I can use information and books on my weapons.

[838] And I was like, yes, yes.

[839] That's got to be a good feeling.

[840] Oh, my God.

[841] It's a great feeling, man. It's a great feeling.

[842] And then the mayor of California, of L .A. Garcetti came.

[843] And then a few months later, he started a whole commission about how to include Latin history and more ethnic studies in the curriculum.

[844] So all these little wins victories were so incredible for me. And I'm so excited, you know, because I look, the things that I learned were shocking to me that I hadn't had that in the history textbook, that I hadn't seen it in a, in a, uh, a Spielberg movie Band of Brothers.

[845] Where's the Brown brother?

[846] You know what I mean?

[847] Right.

[848] I mean, what happened?

[849] I mean, we were the only ethnic group that's fought in every single war America's ever had, where the most decorated minority in every one of those wars.

[850] And I'm talking about the American Revolution where 10 ,000 unknown Latino patriots fought out of a total of 80 ,000 troops.

[851] That's one in eight, Conan.

[852] That's huge.

[853] And then 20 ,000 was in the Civil War, 120 ,000 in World War I. 500 ,000 Latin people fought in World War II with crazy heroes.

[854] Like this guy, Gil Bosquez, Mexican guy, in France, he rented two churches and hit 40 ,000 Jews from the Nazis and then gave them a asylum in Mexico.

[855] Where's that in a Hollywood movie?

[856] That's incredible.

[857] Where's the Latin Oscar Schindler movie?

[858] You know what I mean?

[859] I mean, it's, I think this is your assignment.

[860] This is, you know, if I make that, if I make that movie and I, if, if they say Conan O 'Brien tells this story, people are going to be pretty, I think they're going to be pissed off, you know, they're going to be, if you cast yourself as, as Gilboskis, yeah, but if you're producing it, I wouldn't be so mad at you.

[861] No, but I think if I produce it, I should also play Gilbosquez, I think.

[862] Hey, I put the risk, I get to be the lead.

[863] Yeah, you know, I think I could, you know, I would just, you know, I will just.

[864] I think I can, you know, I think I can play Latino.

[865] And what are you saying no for, Sona?

[866] Get behind me on this.

[867] No, no. Hard, no. No, absolutely.

[868] That's a hard one.

[869] That's a hard one.

[870] There's not enough to make them in the world.

[871] Even with the great CGI they have now, yeah.

[872] Even with the great CGI