Intense Kids: 2 Ways to Calm & Build Confidence

[0] Hey, moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority, because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.

[1] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.

[2] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.

[3] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors, like chaotic, hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.

[4] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.

[5] I feel like myself again.

[6] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.

[7] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.

[8] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order.

[9] at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.

[10] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.

[11] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked, and what powers me is my AG1.

[12] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.

[13] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it, and the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiose, and whole food sourced ingredients.

[14] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[15] AG1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.

[16] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.

[17] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.

[18] If you want to take ownership of your health, It starts with AG1.

[19] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[20] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[21] Check it out.

[22] Hey, everyone.

[23] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[24] And you can find us on the web at Celebrate Calm .com.

[25] We've got a Facebook page.

[26] celebrate calm.

[27] But I wanted to talk to you today about intensity, two different ways to use intensity to actually change your kids' brains in really helpful ways.

[28] And this is partially important because many of you are really intense people, because I've met you at live events.

[29] And you'll come up and ask me questions.

[30] I'll be like, whoa, there is a type A person standing in front of me. And the reason I know that is, because I'm that way.

[31] And I'm a pretty intense, driven type person and when we talk in our workshops and our programs about being calm and controlling yourself a lot of intense people come up and they're like I'm just not naturally calm I'm like I'm not either right but that's where the power is in this is when you you take that intensity right I like your intensity as a parent I like that you're type A but now I take that intensity and I use it in very purposeful ways to actually build your kids' skills and give them tools.

[32] Well, that's a fantastic trait.

[33] So I don't want you to be just some like a docile kind of person out there, unless you're made that way.

[34] That's perfectly fine that you're like that.

[35] But you're type A people out there.

[36] I can use that intensity.

[37] So no matter how you're made, I want to cover two different ways that we can use intensity.

[38] And the first one is this.

[39] Oftentimes, we'll hear people say, oh, my kids are just looking for my attention.

[40] no they're not the kids don't want attention they want your intensity because the human brain is drawn to intensity and wherever it gets that intensity easiest it will begin to seek it and unfortunately this is what happens with most of our strong -willed kids who get in trouble a lot they only get intensity when they do something wrong you know how many times do i have to tell you know young man look at me look at me look at me when i'm talking to you right you can feel that right because when they do something wrong here's the message we send oh young man you've got my full attention right now because when my kids speak the wrong way if they don't do what i say oh i'll take my head out of my screen i'll take the head out of the paper and i'll look at you and i will give you some intensity right then and here's here's the really scary part of that most of the kids that i work with and most of your strong -will kids get a lot of intensity when it's negative.

[41] And what the brain scans show is this.

[42] When kids get continual negativity from their parents, from teachers, from other adults, even from other kids, their brains physically change so that their brains begin to seek that negative intensity.

[43] Why?

[44] Because it's the easiest way to get it.

[45] Right?

[46] So look, the only time we look in their eyes is when, when they do something wrong.

[47] So here's your homework for the next three days and then the next 30 days and the next 30 years.

[48] Reverse this.

[49] Let's begin giving kids intensity when they make good choices, right?

[50] So sometime, uh, next couple days, go to your kids, look in the eyes and say, you know what?

[51] You know what?

[52] That was a good choice you just made proud of you.

[53] Now, I'm kind of just kidding.

[54] If you look at them the eyes, you're going to freak them out when you say that.

[55] But what I like is I want to begin giving kids intensity when they make good choices, right?

[56] So, so the two things we do is I don't give emotion to kids when they do things wrong.

[57] It's just even a matter of fact, hey, jumping on the sofa, it's not happening in my home.

[58] Hey, using that kind of language, you can do that in this home, but all that's going to happen is you're going to lose all your stuff.

[59] So I don't think you want to go there.

[60] But, listen, I can hear that you're frustrated.

[61] I can hear that you're upset.

[62] If you want to grab the football, I'll meet you outside and I'll play catch with you.

[63] I'll listen to you and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with.

[64] See, my intensity there didn't go to, you know what?

[65] You better watch that mouth right now, young man. See how that intensity goes and it just escalates every single time.

[66] So when kids are doing something wrong or negative, I go very low key.

[67] No drama.

[68] That's just not happening here.

[69] Hey, that's right.

[70] But my intensity and my emotion, and my, and my energy goes into, oh, but I can tell there's something going on and I want to help you problem solve.

[71] So why don't we go do X, right?

[72] So I encourage you, um, in the next few days, let's turn that around and let's notice when kids do things well.

[73] Now, intensity doesn't always have to be being loud with your kids or saying, man, you just made a really great choice.

[74] I'm really proud of you.

[75] In fact, sometimes the best praise and affirmation of your kids sounds like this.

[76] Hey, you know what?

[77] It was a really good choice you just made proud of you.

[78] Fist bump.

[79] And then I walk away.

[80] Very, very simple, not really overt.

[81] I know as a dad, when I come home sometimes, I just tell Casey, hey, listen, mom's been texting me all afternoon.

[82] And he'd be like, oh, man, am I in trouble again?

[83] And I'd say, she said you've actually been helping out today.

[84] It's the way we do it around here right that phrase i love that phrase i teach a lot of i train a lot of teachers just walk up to a kid in class sometimes and say hey good choice it's the way we do it in my classroom and there's something very affirming and intense about that even though it's very low key and i would encourage you when you praise your kids don't do that whole overt thing right like oh honey you made such a good choice i'm so proud of you because it sounds condescending because here's what you're really saying I never thought you'd actually make a good choice.

[85] I'm so surprised that I'm going to make a big deal out of it.

[86] And you know what happens when we do that, make a big deal out of it?

[87] It creates pressure because here's what your kids are thinking.

[88] No, no, no, no. I didn't just make a good choice.

[89] Now you're going to expect me to do that again someday, and I can't promise I will.

[90] Right?

[91] So it's very low key, but the intensity is with the eye contact and just with the gravity of how you're saying it, and just, right, and hey, that's a good choice.

[92] I like how you did that, right?

[93] Even a text to your kids, hey, I like how you did that.

[94] I'm proud of you.

[95] That's a very powerful statement for many of your kids.

[96] And by the way, I'd written on here, my little note thing here, you know, you've got to get your husbands involved in this.

[97] I know there are a lot of men listening to this, so thank you, but you're important in this.

[98] And a man's affirmation and intensity is really important, but for most of us as men, it just comes out, is yelling, what were you thinking about?

[99] How many times do I have to tell you?

[100] Young man, one more word from you.

[101] And all of our intensity is negative, right?

[102] And what happens is your kids won't come to you anymore, and they won't trust you because all you do is give them intense negativity.

[103] And I want them to come to you both as moms and dads because you guys have wisdom to help them.

[104] So anyway, next three days, let's use intensity in very positive ways.

[105] And remember, we prays for progress, not perfection, right?

[106] So I always use this at live events, and this is one of the reasons that I love doing live events.

[107] So make sure you email, email my son, it's Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[108] Casey at Celebrate Calm .com.

[109] Email him the name of your school, church, foster care, adoption agency, whatever it is, and your city and state.

[110] And that's all you have to do.

[111] We'll know what you want.

[112] You want us to come speak.

[113] And we'll send you a one -page proposal that you can.

[114] forward to your PTA, your principal, whoever it is.

[115] But the live events are very powerful because we can kind of script these things and we can show them, you can hear the tone of voice.

[116] So remember, next three days, let's do that with intensity.

[117] Guys, I want you on board with this.

[118] So second subject with intensity is this.

[119] And this may only apply to a few people, but it's a very powerful tool, but you're just going to have to feel it out and experiment with it.

[120] And I trust you to know what's best for your particular child.

[121] But a lot of us have kids who get really intense when they get upset, like super intense, and you can't reach them.

[122] And just doing our typical, as you know, many of you know, we do this motion changes emotion kind of thing.

[123] And you'll hear that on our audio CDs.

[124] You'll hear that thing.

[125] And it's very effective doing push -ups and coloring and building with Legos and playing catch with a football and dancing and listening to music, all those things to calm kids.

[126] But this is the one I wanted to focus on today.

[127] We had a lot of kids who used to come to our house.

[128] And for those who don't know, we used to have 8, 10, 15 kids a time come into our home.

[129] And we had over 1 ,500 kids actually come through our home over the course of a decade so we can teach them this stuff.

[130] Well, I have a lot of kids who are adopted from Russia or Eastern Europe who had been in orphanages.

[131] And a lot of these kids had attachment issues.

[132] And you know what?

[133] It can be any of your kids.

[134] They're just strong -willed, intense kids.

[135] And I remember one of these little Russian kids, his name was Alexander, because they were all named Alexander.

[136] And he'd get really upset very quickly.

[137] And I found that nothing I was trying was working with him.

[138] So I know that there's this principle of matching intensity for intensity, because I came up with that principle, and I thought it was kind of cool.

[139] So, because it works a lot in life, right?

[140] like if you ever notice sometimes people with ADHD who are very intense you give them caffeine sometimes it actually calms them down has kind of the opposite effect of what you'd want so this is what it would sound like when Alexander one of these kids was getting really upset I would look at them and sometimes I'd look them in the eyes because their eyes were on fire and so mine would get on fire and I'd say Alexander I can tell you're really frustrated man And so am I. You know what I do when I get really frustrated?

[141] I do jumping jacks like this.

[142] And I would begin doing these freakish jumping jacks where it was really super intense.

[143] Or I'd get down and I'd do push -ups in a really intense way.

[144] Or if we were outside, I would begin running around my house like a crazy man, just really intense.

[145] And so what I wanted was for him, I wanted to lead him with my intensity so he would begin doing the jumping jackser pushups with me. So watch the distinction.

[146] I wasn't directing intensity at him.

[147] I wasn't saying, Alexander, you better calm down right now.

[148] Right now.

[149] Some of your kids, at times, that intensity toward them can't actually help, but I'm not a big fan of that because usually it makes them more upset.

[150] So I wasn't going at him and I didn't say, you know what, you better calm down.

[151] Why don't you do your push -ups or your jumping jacks now?

[152] So I wasn't telling him what to do.

[153] I was acknowledging his frustration, but I was acknowledging it with intensity and I was bringing it back to me. So instead of telling him what to do, because in that moment that's very difficult, I was telling him what I do when I get really upset.

[154] When I get upset, I do jumping jacks like this.

[155] And it was weird.

[156] And oftentimes it was very awkward because he'd look at me like, what are you doing?

[157] But more times than not, he would begin doing the push -ups or the jumping jacks with me. And I was leading him to a calm place.

[158] And I was using his intensity in positive ways.

[159] And so he and I would begin doing the jumping jacks, or we'd run together, where we'd do the push -ups on the ground.

[160] And I could say, Man, that was, look, I've never seen anybody do 20 pushups that quickly.

[161] Let me see those guns, man. You're going to be ripped if you keep doing this.

[162] And I was giving him something else to do a different way to use intensity rather than yelling and screaming and hitting other kids or hitting at me, which he would occasionally do.

[163] I hope that makes sense.

[164] And I just have to encourage you, try that with your kids.

[165] and I love experimenting with some of these kids, but I'm using the intensity in both of these situations in very positive ways.

[166] So listen, if we can help you at all, email or call us, email my son Casey at celebrate calm .com.

[167] Go to our website.

[168] If you're listening to this during the Christmas season, we've got a huge Christmas sale going on with all of our materials.

[169] You know, there were two ideas there.

[170] I've got hundreds of strategies like this, literally hundreds that are practical and that really work.

[171] And that's why I want people listening to our CDs because when you listen over and over and over again, this becomes part of who you are.

[172] And then in the moment, you know exactly what to do.

[173] And just think if you could take these situations and begin changing the way your kids feel about themselves and you actually had tools, practical tools to know exactly what to do, it's a really cool thing.

[174] So you can look at that on our website.

[175] if you need help email Casey and say hey I need help picking out the right resources for our family he's awesome at this and you can call 888 506 1871 and book us in your town and I'll come in I'll meet you and I love answering personal questions from people when we're at live events so thanks for caring about your kids for all you type A people out there use your intensity in really positive ways and it's a really cool thing anyway thank you for loving your kids so much Bye -bye.