Gary Gulman

[0] Hi, my name is Gary Goldman.

[1] And I feel ecstatic about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] That's very sweet.

[3] And I feel like I wouldn't be that irritating.

[4] Well, okay, now wait a minute.

[5] Now I have reservations.

[6] Fall is here, hear the yell.

[7] Back to school.

[8] Ring the bell.

[9] Brand new shoes, walking loose.

[10] Climb the fence.

[11] books and friends I can tell that we are going to be friends I can tell that we are going to be friends Hey there Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend joined by Sonam of Sessian Hey Sona hi Matt Goreley How are you sir?

[12] Merry Christmas Well I was going to get to that Oh yeah you think I wouldn't get to that I have to say I do get the Christmas spirit Do you?

[13] Yeah Are you sick?

[14] What I'm sorry No I think it's normal I just saw this dayquil thing Are you sick?

[15] Sorry.

[16] I thought it was because you had the Christmas spirit and you're like, you're a scrooge.

[17] I got sick, too, after we got back from New York.

[18] Okay, that made no sense to our listeners.

[19] I'm sorry.

[20] This is what our listeners heard.

[21] I have the Christmas spirit.

[22] Are you sick?

[23] That's what I heard.

[24] Yeah, that's what I heard too.

[25] And you just, yeah, I had a cold, like, I got a cold like about a week ago.

[26] I don't have it anymore, but I still take these.

[27] Okay.

[28] To just make my voice sound a little better on air.

[29] Yeah.

[30] As a son of an infectious disease doctor, no. easily 11 days after having a cold, I'm a threat to know, and if that's your fear.

[31] I'm not, I got sick, too.

[32] That's why I was like, hey, we all got.

[33] Well, if you're sick, you shouldn't have come in.

[34] Okay.

[35] Merry Christmas, everyone.

[36] It's literally Christmas Day when people are listening to this.

[37] What did I do?

[38] I would have a nice Christmas thing.

[39] And then I started to say, hey, you know, I have the Christmas spirit.

[40] You sick, you sick, fuck.

[41] How dare you have the Christmas spirit?

[42] You pervert.

[43] You pervert.

[44] What does that mean to you?

[45] Did you watch some Christmas pervy porn?

[46] You sick, fuck!

[47] Well, I was on your side, and now I'm wondering what did you watch?

[48] Why do you have the Christmas spirit?

[49] Because of Christmas pervy porn?

[50] It's Mrs. Claus.

[51] No, stop.

[52] Don't do it.

[53] Don't do it.

[54] This is where you're lying is?

[55] She's got a slamming bod, and then there's a knock at the door, and she thinks it's an elf, but it's a pizza delivery.

[56] What did you do it?

[57] And she's like, I expected an elf, but I forgot that I ordered a pizza.

[58] And he says, yeah, extra sausage.

[59] And she says, what?

[60] I don't like sausage.

[61] And he said, no, that's Dublin Tondra for dick.

[62] And she's like, no, I just don't like sausage.

[63] And he said, there's no sausage, Mrs. Claus?

[64] That's the thing you say.

[65] When you're about to, you know, take out the penis.

[66] Oh.

[67] Well, just so we're clear, there's no, there's no sausage.

[68] It's the worst porn I've ever done.

[69] What is Santa?

[70] Is he out on his mission?

[71] Santa is so sick of Mrs. Claus misunderstanding Dublin Tondra.

[72] then he just doesn't even have much of a life with her anymore.

[73] Okay, I see.

[74] Because whenever he's trying to be romantic, you know?

[75] Oh, man. Yeah, he'll like just say some, what, some harmless double and tondra.

[76] Like, check out this North Pole.

[77] Yeah, check out this North Pole.

[78] It's been like, we're at the North Pole.

[79] Why would I have to check it out?

[80] We live here.

[81] And he's like, no, no, I'm telling you, Sandra.

[82] That's Mrs. Claus's real name.

[83] Is it?

[84] No, no, no, Sandra.

[85] We haven't had sex in a while.

[86] And I thought maybe to spice things up, I'd say, check out.

[87] this North Pole.

[88] But what do you mean?

[89] We're at the North.

[90] No, no, I meant my blood -engorged cock.

[91] That's all.

[92] I'm trying to put some spice.

[93] But wait a minute.

[94] Why did you say North Pole?

[95] Because the pole is my literal anatomical pole.

[96] Oh, God damn it, Sandra.

[97] I'm going back to the workshop.

[98] I'm going to go fuck a birdhouse.

[99] Well, Merry Christmas.

[100] everybody.

[101] Merry Christmas.

[102] Merry Christmas, you old savings and loan.

[103] God bless us, everyone.

[104] Oh, my God.

[105] That gets people in the spirit right there.

[106] Now, listen, I want to understand something because I know that is Christmas celebrated at a different time of year in the Armenian calendar?

[107] Yes.

[108] Well, it's the Orthodox Christmas, which is January 6th.

[109] What's that mean, exactly?

[110] Don't ask me. Yeah, but what I would say, oh, okay.

[111] I only know this because, you know, Sona started working for me and I was, I think was pretty nice.

[112] I'd give you a nice Christmas gift and I'd get nothing back.

[113] And she would say, yeah, I'll get you on Armenian Christmas.

[114] And I thought that for a while that was an excuse.

[115] Like, yeah, maybe I'll get you something.

[116] Maybe I won't.

[117] But then it turned out you always did give me really nice gifts just later on.

[118] It's better because you don't have to deal with the Christmas rush and then you have a lot of sales after Christmas.

[119] Yeah.

[120] So it always worked out and it gave me more time to do things.

[121] Yeah.

[122] But we celebrate both.

[123] Oh, you do both?

[124] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[125] That always used to make me, I had friends who would celebrate Hanukkah, but also Christmas.

[126] And I thought, oh, come on.

[127] Well, as a children of divorced parents, I got two Christmases, which, you know, was a silver lining.

[128] Oh.

[129] You'll be okay.

[130] You seem to turn out just fine.

[131] Did I?

[132] You're not a weird guy at all.

[133] Okay, good.

[134] You seem fine.

[135] Because I thought maybe I was.

[136] No, no. Oh, God.

[137] Oh, God.

[138] No. They'll get back together.

[139] Yeah, sure they will.

[140] They'll get back together.

[141] It's literally good 43 years.

[142] There's a good healthy reason why you say.

[143] spend a lot of your life working at an amusement part to create the joy artificially that you couldn't have.

[144] It's so personal.

[145] I'm at the happiest place on Earth, so I must be happy.

[146] Any day now.

[147] Any day now.

[148] Here comes my dad.

[149] Your dad is goofy?

[150] Oh, no. My dad did work at Disney, though.

[151] He met Walt Disney.

[152] Did he really?

[153] Yeah.

[154] What was that like?

[155] That's a cool story.

[156] But I'm a second generation Disney employee.

[157] Okay.

[158] Don't worry about it.

[159] Oh, God, help me. It's fine.

[160] I'm sure you...

[161] Oh, God, please don't let my daughter work there.

[162] She's working there now.

[163] Oh, God.

[164] Oh, no, she's just a baby.

[165] Listen, I...

[166] What are you doing?

[167] I'm just writing rap for when it's time to wrap.

[168] I know, but you wrote it ahead of time.

[169] And also...

[170] Christmas rapping.

[171] Did you hear that?

[172] Did you hear him writing?

[173] I did hear the scribble.

[174] Yeah, when you...

[175] Listen, I haven't been in this business long, and you're Mr. Podger.

[176] and you wrote with a ballpoint pen on a hard surface and it sounds like a That's because when you're Mr. Podcasts, you're not Mr. Radio and all rules are out the window, man. Oh, because you can write on a podcast.

[177] You're going to leave that in.

[178] You can edit it out.

[179] No, he's going to keep it in.

[180] This is me busting him on.

[181] You threw me off.

[182] I am a, sorry, an artist.

[183] Oh, God.

[184] And this is my medium.

[185] Oh, I am.

[186] Now you threw me off.

[187] Oh, okay.

[188] That's nice.

[189] Was that your sleeping?

[190] I was snoring.

[191] Sorry.

[192] I fell asleep while you were talking about being an artist.

[193] Okay.

[194] I'm glad you're awake now because as an artist.

[195] Oh.

[196] And it will always make me laugh at the Three Stooges snore in unison, like in synchronized ways.

[197] I mean, me, me, me, me. It's just, I don't know.

[198] It's just gold.

[199] It's just gold.

[200] And anyone who disagrees should never judge comedy.

[201] Sorry, Sona.

[202] I didn't say I didn't like it.

[203] Yeah.

[204] Why are you just to assume?

[205] Well, you didn't laugh.

[206] But you can laugh on Armenian Christmas.

[207] Well, okay.

[208] Oh, my God.

[209] No, I like it too.

[210] What are your kids going to, on the 25th, will Santa visit your kids?

[211] Yeah.

[212] Okay.

[213] But then he'll also show up on the, does Santa show up on the six?

[214] He doesn't really show up on the sixth.

[215] Or is it an Armenian figure who shows up?

[216] No, we, we say we go to church, but we don't.

[217] Is there an Armenian Santa?

[218] No. Like a equivalent?

[219] Like a Ghan Papa?

[220] Is it January 6th, 3 Kings Day?

[221] Isn't that why?

[222] Don't ask me the specifics.

[223] Armenians celebrate.

[224] We should have been asking Eduardo this whole time.

[225] than I do.

[226] Eduardo is married to an Armenian woman.

[227] And apparently one who cares about the religion and the heritage.

[228] Okay.

[229] But tell us.

[230] Tell us what you know.

[231] Well, January 6th is Dia de los rea.

[232] Well, in Spanish, di la Lóresa, three kings.

[233] That's when they bring gifts.

[234] Yes.

[235] The wise.

[236] Was that when Jesus really got his gold, frankincense, and mer or something?

[237] Correct.

[238] Many people say, many conservatives say that what happened on the Capitol on January 6th was just people celebrating.

[239] Oh, okay.

[240] No, no, no. Don't connect it.

[241] No, no. Listen, that is a theory that people were so whipped up about Armenian Christmas that they wanted to gather together and celebrate.

[242] And I thought, hey, let's go into the Capitol and hey, the door's locked.

[243] Well, we can probably push it open.

[244] Wrap!

[245] Wrap!

[246] Let's push it open!

[247] Wrap it!

[248] January 6th was an Armenian home!

[249] I hear those sleigh bells ringing in Jingjing.

[250] Let's go back to Disneyland.

[251] No, we're good.

[252] Hey, man, that was an insane opening.

[253] So stupid.

[254] Stupid, but also in its own way, really stupid.

[255] You are an artist.

[256] I am an artist.

[257] Very excited about our guest today because he is an absolutely hilarious comedian.

[258] He's ingenious.

[259] I will say that.

[260] That's a good word for this man. He is ingenious whose latest stand -up special, born on third base, is now streaming on Max.

[261] He also has a new memoir in type of.

[262] Misfit, Growing Up Awkward in the 80s.

[263] He's a delight.

[264] He's a fascinating guy, brilliant.

[265] Gary Goldman, welcome.

[266] I'm going to start by paying you a compliment, which is a gentleman who worked for me for God, almost, you know, whatever, 30 years is Brian Kylie.

[267] And Brian Kylie, I adore because he's the best joke writer I've ever known, one -liner joke writer.

[268] Yeah.

[269] And also just a great guy.

[270] The kindest, most generous.

[271] Mine is just, but writes a deadly joke.

[272] Like, he can just make an ice bullet of a joke.

[273] And it's beautifully, and I'll tell you, Brian Kylie has always raved about you.

[274] Oh, wow.

[275] Even before I really got to know you, he was like, Gary Goldman is such a good.

[276] And then I started watching your, we had you on the show.

[277] You did what became this viral sensation.

[278] You did this bit about how the states got their abbreviations.

[279] And what I remember is the architecture and the thought that went into it.

[280] You're so goddamn smart and the intricacy of it and just immediately thought, who is this guy?

[281] This guy's fantastic.

[282] And then, of course, I keep checking your clip from your appearance on your show where you did this.

[283] Millions and millions and millions of people keep seeing that.

[284] And keep going back to it.

[285] And it makes me very happy that so many people now have joined the cult.

[286] Because it is a cult of Gary Goldman.

[287] Yes, there are no questions allowed.

[288] No, no, no questions allowed.

[289] They have to follow my orders.

[290] Yes.

[291] And you have certain rights with the other women in the cult?

[292] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[293] Well, he does.

[294] Because he wears the red robe and everyone else wears the blue robe.

[295] Oh, come on.

[296] This is Colt 101.

[297] Oh, sorry.

[298] Okay, sorry, sorry.

[299] I'm interested.

[300] Oh, you're in, buddy.

[301] You and I have a bunch of things to talk about.

[302] First of all, I want to compliment you in another way, which is you have a stand -up special, which has dropped literally like two days ago, I think.

[303] Okay, now everyone's correcting me with four.

[304] Oh, great, because we would have had a lot of calls.

[305] Why did you have to correct me on that?

[306] Because you were looking at it's like, am I right?

[307] Yeah.

[308] Just say, yeah, sure.

[309] Okay, yeah.

[310] Close enough, idiot.

[311] That's all I need.

[312] You were wrong.

[313] It's just wrong with a soft key.

[314] Don't do it here now.

[315] It's not wrong.

[316] Don't do it here now.

[317] Don't do it in front of Gary, please.

[318] Okay.

[319] Don't you mean Jerry?

[320] Yeah.

[321] Born on third base is your stand -up special and it's hilarious.

[322] Now, full disclosure, I'm such a fan that I had some involvement with my and with my people in helping to bring this to react.

[323] but I'm saying this as someone who hates himself.

[324] I'd be more than happy to shit on it if I could.

[325] It's really, really funny and beautifully done.

[326] Thank you.

[327] It's really nice.

[328] And so I'm, I'm congratulations.

[329] Well, I had a lot of fun touring it and that people liked it.

[330] And I shot it in Toronto, where they're just so nice and really love comedy and some.

[331] Oh, my God.

[332] Canada, Toronto.

[333] Oh, my gosh.

[334] That's where my ghost is going to go when it roams the year.

[335] earth doing bits, it's going to go up to Toronto.

[336] They have the best taste, and they're so nice.

[337] They're really smart and they laugh and they're fun.

[338] Yeah.

[339] And what's wrong?

[340] Why are you looking at me like that?

[341] What a weird thing to say?

[342] I don't want to go up.

[343] Your ghost is going to go to Toronto and you're just going to do bits?

[344] Yeah.

[345] I don't want to go to heaven.

[346] Heaven sounds boring.

[347] Okay.

[348] You're just going to be stuck in like this purgatory.

[349] I don't want to go talk to Eleanor Roosevelt on a cloud.

[350] I want to go up to Toronto and do bits and then.

[351] Go get, like, go to a cool restaurant afterwards.

[352] But wouldn't heaven, by definition, be a bunch of people who love your bits?

[353] Yeah.

[354] No, I don't like that.

[355] Okay.

[356] That seems patronizing.

[357] I wouldn't like that.

[358] But you think, I'm sorry, just going back to this, you think you're going to go to Toronto, you're going to appear as a ghost, and people are just going to be like, let's see what bits he has.

[359] Yes.

[360] What's there?

[361] Gary, if you were in Toronto and you knew that I had passed away in the last year or two, and you heard that my ghost was in Toronto and he was doing bits somewhere, wouldn't you check him out?

[362] I would check him out.

[363] And then I would also spend a lot of time seeing Rush.

[364] Yeah.

[365] But no, in this scenario, they're dead too.

[366] But they're also playing.

[367] No, no, no. This is my idea of heaven.

[368] Rush is touring.

[369] And Conan is doing stand -up associated with it.

[370] And we're also spending time breaking down some of the licks, the guitar licks and things like that.

[371] And also the...

[372] I love it.

[373] The drum solo.

[374] This man gets me. This is, yeah.

[375] No, no, it makes sense.

[376] Gary, you are a fellow Massachusetts mashole like myself.

[377] You're from Peabody.

[378] Yes.

[379] And, you know, you talk about this a lot in your special, and you've touched on it before.

[380] But it really does inform a lot of your comedy, which is, I think, quite beautiful.

[381] But you grew up poor.

[382] You grew up.

[383] There's no other way to say it.

[384] Yeah, we were broke Jewish people, which people think, oh, that's a thing.

[385] And most of us, especially in that time of in the 70s, a lot of.

[386] of people were broke so yes a lot half the jews would be broke too right everybody was yeah so and that was that informed me it also it developed my my personality and in terms of my my resentment towards certain kids growing up who had more than us and it didn't have to be much it could be an above ground pool and i would be like oh look at the look at the opulence with these people they don't know what it is to struggle and and and they're and and the and And Christmas used to just blow me away.

[387] These kids would just get so much for Christmas.

[388] Right, right.

[389] And I would get a thing, eight nights of a thing, but some of them were practical, which you don't want for holidays.

[390] Like what?

[391] Well, give me an example of a practical Hanukkah gift.

[392] I remember everybody says socks, but I would get pajamas, which I very rarely wore.

[393] Right.

[394] It was either freezing cold in my house, which required an electric blanket, which I can't even believe those things were legal.

[395] at the time.

[396] They were just fire starters but also it could be electrocated.

[397] I just know this in Massachusetts but every time a house burned down in the 50s, 60s or 70s it was you'd see firemen walking away afterwards because I'd hang out at these things and they'd always as a true arsonist does but they'd always be like shaking their heads going and you'd always read in the paper that it was an electric blanket or there would be a fire chief holding up a melted light bright.

[398] Yes.

[399] And it would be, hopefully it would be the clown because the clown face would melt into a frown.

[400] Yeah.

[401] Because he was upset by this as well.

[402] Yeah, yeah, sure.

[403] Not just the fire chief.

[404] But yeah, those were the two biggest fire causes.

[405] Because what could go wrong if you took mid -20th century knowledge of electrical wiring and ran it through a bunch of cotton and nylon?

[406] Like, what could go wrong?

[407] Yeah.

[408] And then you go to sleep.

[409] and just crank and crank this thing.

[410] So people would just burst into flames.

[411] So you grow up in Peabody.

[412] And what's interesting is you said that it gave you a completely different perspective than a lot of kids have when you grew up not having.

[413] You grew up not having stuff.

[414] And so that you knew just by wrote what things cost.

[415] Oh, yes, yes.

[416] And you had that all down.

[417] which you said, when you don't have money, you know all of this stuff.

[418] Yes.

[419] Yes, that's what I always irritated me. I remember I had this neighbor who went to a summer camp.

[420] And I was interested in it because he came back with a, and this is a phenomenon of Jewish summer camps where these kids who were kind of average athletics and attractiveness would go to summer camp and they would walk taller when they returned because they had culled all the Gentile kids from the group.

[421] So it was just the Jews were standing out.

[422] And the only choice the girls had or the boys had were other Jewish people.

[423] So there was this thing.

[424] And they would be so confident because they had made out with a girl over the summer where they weren't getting any makeout sessions in junior high or seventh grade or anything.

[425] And then they would come back in the fall and they had more confidence.

[426] And I envied this.

[427] And I remember asking the kid, well, how much does this thing cost?

[428] He says, I don't know.

[429] Why would I know how much things cost?

[430] And I said, oh, you would ask for something, and your parents would tell you, no, we can't afford it.

[431] And then they would tell you how much everything costs.

[432] Yes.

[433] So you do how much everything.

[434] I remember I wanted this robot called 2XL, which was really just an eight -track player, that they had somehow, it was a brilliant thing where it would ask you questions, and it was a trivia thing, and you got informed.

[435] and it was $54 .87 in Toys Russ.

[436] My mom worked at the mall and she couldn't afford a babysitter so I would at nine years old walk around the mall for three hours while she worked.

[437] And then when the boss left, I could go in there and hang out at the stationary store.

[438] But I would walk around, hang around at Toys Russ and at Sears, you could play the Atari for a while.

[439] And then the Orange Julius kids would give me free Giuliai.

[440] I love that you did the plural of Julius.

[441] That makes me so happy.

[442] This sounds like heaven.

[443] It was incredible.

[444] Did you ever have fried octopi with your julie?

[445] So I was like the mall mascot, basically, and I would hang out at the Toys R Us, and there was this robot called 2XL, and I knew it was 5487, and I would, every year I would ask for it.

[446] But I also would ask people if I could borrow $54.

[447] and 87 cents, which is so specific, but I hadn't worked out the fact that it would probably be 5 % tax.

[448] And also, the parents would always say $55, but kids would always know that there was 5487.

[449] Sure.

[450] It was a big kid thing.

[451] So I think...

[452] Did you ever get it?

[453] I did get it.

[454] My mom, there was a neighbor who got it and outgrew it several years later.

[455] My mom bought it used from from them and gave it to me for my birthday and it worked 100 % of just the box was damaged because it's been opened I remember Christmas as being perilous meaning you something great could happen but also if you're one of six you can get lost in the show like yeah and Santa's busy because he's a he's working at the microbiology lab and And sometimes Santa has a short fuse.

[456] And anyway, I remember once we had this tradition where we're asleep and Santa would put the gifts.

[457] They weren't wrapped, but they would just each one, each one of the kids in the family had a, has a piece of furniture in the living room.

[458] This is where my parents still live, mind you, in Brookline Mass. And there's a different piece of furniture and Luke's toys would go on a chair.

[459] and most people had a chair, and then mine just arbitrarily became there's this long white couch.

[460] Now, think about it.

[461] Everything looks tiny and insignificant on a long white couch.

[462] And Santa's busy and there's a lot to do.

[463] So there were years where Santa's like, okay, I got Neil covered.

[464] I got Luke.

[465] I got Jane.

[466] I got Justin.

[467] And then he's down there and he's throwing stuff around.

[468] He's like, I got to get back to the lab.

[469] I think that germ got out.

[470] And then, you know, I've been working on something called COVID.

[471] I hope it's...

[472] But anyway, that was my dad.

[473] Anyway, and so he would be...

[474] There was one Christmas where I think he was throwing everything around and then he got to the giant white couch and there was some socks and there wasn't much.

[475] So I'll never forget that that was the year he got a toboggan like for everyone to share.

[476] But I come running downstairs and I see this giant toboggan filling out the couch and I'm like, I got a toboggan?

[477] This is insane.

[478] And I'll never forget my dad went, oh, interesting.

[479] Santa told me on his way out that it's actually for everyone.

[480] And I went, huh?

[481] But it's like the one thing that's on my couch.

[482] And you went, as Santa said, you kind of get to be in charge of it, but it's for everyone.

[483] And I'm like, first of all, you're having a legal conversation with Santa about ownership.

[484] And then how are you in charge of a toboggan?

[485] I get to decide who sits there.

[486] I swear.

[487] But hey, I got over it.

[488] I'm 60 and bitching about it on a podcast.

[489] That tracks with the socialism of 1970s, Massachusetts.

[490] Oh, my God.

[491] And I still, to this day, when I go home and that white couch is still there.

[492] Oh, really?

[493] And I'll still look at it and I'll be like, fucking toboggan.

[494] There was a toboggan and then like some post -its and some socks.

[495] Oh, my God.

[496] And an electric blanket.

[497] And then, you know.

[498] I'm like, what kind of...

[499] Anyway, enough about me. I'm just saying we all suffer.

[500] I remember one year I did get a bunch of Dungeons and Dragons books.

[501] And you talk about this.

[502] Yeah.

[503] You talk about this in the special.

[504] Heck, it's books.

[505] But unfortunately, it came with all these dice and the maps and everything like that, but it didn't come with any friends.

[506] And that is the greatest oversight of the...

[507] of the TSR company was that, yeah, kids who are into this stuff are lonely.

[508] Yes, yeah.

[509] The other thing that says your word choice is always so good as a comic.

[510] And in the special, you said, I think you said, no one could foresee this.

[511] You said something like that, but it didn't come with friends.

[512] Like, yeah, you've talked about, I can kind of relate to this.

[513] You have kind of an OCD about honesty.

[514] And I had this too growing up, which is, it was very, very important to my mom that we all be thought of well.

[515] One of the things I remembered is we'd all be gathered around Christmas, Thanksgiving, and we have company over, or anytime company was coming and we got to sit in the dining room, and people are sitting around.

[516] She'd say, and now, of course, we always say grace.

[517] And I'd say, we only do this when company's here.

[518] Oh, no. And she would say, that's not true.

[519] Oh, that's so good.

[520] But, I mean, I just couldn't not.

[521] Yeah, the dishonesty.

[522] See, part of it is I grew up always feeling God was watching me all the time just because of the...

[523] I just took everything everybody told me seriously so that I would act up in the house.

[524] I would stub my toe on the corner of a counter.

[525] That doesn't make sense.

[526] Not a counter, a cabinet.

[527] And my mother would say, see, God punished you.

[528] And I was like, oh, my gosh.

[529] Instead of thinking, gosh, what a prick.

[530] I would think, oh, I better not act off.

[531] I used to think, doesn't God have other things to do?

[532] Hey, Goldman just got out of line I didn't give me the old stubberoo Hey, what about that What about that tsunami That just wiped out 3 ,000 people And he didn't each of Oh, I was dealing with Goldman And then I went to Hebrew school I don't know if you went to Catholic I went to Hebrew school I was immediately asked to leave No, I went to Catholic instruction Actually with Brian Kiley Oh, that's so interesting So I would go to Hebrew school and they would say, well, this is a sin, adultery and coveting, being jealous and bearing false witness, and are any others?

[533] Yes, leaving the finger paints out, is that also a sin that God will smite you for?

[534] But playing with clay without permission, that's another one that God punished me for.

[535] Yeah, it was just the things I was learning in Hebrew school were not matching up with the little I had learned at home.

[536] Is there, am I correct, that there's probably really not much difference between if you're a kid Hebrew instruction and if you're a kid Catholic instruction, meaning they're both leaning on guilt, beware, watch out, someone's watching.

[537] Because that was my experience.

[538] And then the few times that, well, actually, I grew up in Brookline, more of my friends were Jewish than were Irish Catholic.

[539] And I would sense that, wait a minute, this is supposed to be a completely alien religion.

[540] This is all sounding pretty familiar to me totally i went to a catholic college i went to boston college and i befriended some jesuit priests and they would say yeah there's a lot of intersection in our in our liturgy not so much the words as much as the the ideas and the and the um where the stresses are which is on a very angry judgmental god but but as a lot of fathers do when they have a son late in life they mellow and that and that and that's where i see protestantism is it sort of of a mellow god not as not as likely to smite after having Jesus yeah the Protestants have it's a god that's like wearing loafers and dockers and he's Pete Holmes yeah it's Pete Holmes it's Pete Holmes as opposed to like Bill Burr is the Catholic God where I like I like figuring out religion just using stand -ups oh my gosh specifically Specifically Northeastern stand -ups, you know what I mean?

[541] Now I'm trying to figure out who would be the Jewish comedian, God.

[542] It wouldn't be Crystal.

[543] It wouldn't be a route.

[544] No, too light.

[545] He would have Fivish Finkel's voice.

[546] Lewis Black.

[547] I just got it.

[548] It's Lewis Black.

[549] I love it.

[550] Because you'd be saying things like, do I get this straight?

[551] Let me understand something.

[552] You, a post office, wants me to spend money on a stamp.

[553] And then I spend money on the stamp.

[554] that kind of thing.

[555] Wow, that's good.

[556] You know what I used to do?

[557] The Morans and the Sodomites are having blowjubs!

[558] You know what I used to do?

[559] I used to do a Lewis.

[560] I like Lewis Black, but I used to do a Lewis Black impression where he's getting, because his whole thing was getting worked up over something that's kind of small.

[561] And I used to do a Lewis Black impression about things where it's, where he's worked up about something you should be worked up about.

[562] So I'd be like, have you heard about this thing called chitnapping?

[563] Someone takes a child They take a child Who is the only son or daughter of these loving parents And they take them away And they say you'll only see them alive again If we get money And it would really make me laugh Because I'd be like, uh -huh Yeah Just him getting mad about stuff he should get mad about Kylie used to always tell me he would say you have no idea how funny the meetings are in Conan's office and initially I was skeptical I thought You said Conan's not that funny How can be funny in a meeting?

[564] I said yeah everybody's going to laugh at their boss right And then I started listening to the podcast But also you would tell me the stories The bits you would do Which was one of my favorites Was the dirty Brian Kylie I would do I would do Brian, it's called Brian Kylie at the Apollo Now Brian Kiley, again, as you know, tells really clean jokes.

[565] And he wears the creased chinos and a blue.

[566] And schmaltzless.

[567] Put nothing on it.

[568] The jokes are just, I mean, I'm just perfect.

[569] You could read them.

[570] They're beautiful, but also his character.

[571] Perfect jokes.

[572] But Kylie, and he'd stand up there and he's very Catholic.

[573] And he tells these wonderful jokes.

[574] And he always is doing this with his hands.

[575] He doesn't move his body, really, at all, when he's up on stage.

[576] And so I started doing Kylie at the Paola where he's up there and he's like Hi everybody, good to see you, I'm Brian Kylie and the other day I'm going down on this going down on this bitch And I'm So I'm eating I'm eating her out And then I'm still the same manner as him's And then I work my way You know, down to her asshole and I start and I start licking out her asshole and then I'm like bitch you've got to wash your ass and he's killing murdering but then he goes backstage kills and he goes well that's my time thank you and then he goes backstage and I would always have him sit in a little iron chair and read a Truman biography quietly and then someone would come and go get out there again they want more of you and he'd be like oh okay and he closed it and he'd go back out there and go, uh, the other day, I'm, uh, I'm whipping this guy with a, like, whatever.

[577] It's just, it's weird to hear you even talk like that.

[578] I know, I know.

[579] But the thing is, when I'm channeling Kylie, the whole rule was none of this helps the show.

[580] None of this can be on the show.

[581] None of it can help the show.

[582] It's just funnier because I know who Brian Kylie is and I, I hope people go and like look at his comedy online.

[583] Go look at Brian Kylie.

[584] Yeah.

[585] How much.

[586] of just how different it is what you're saying.

[587] I took a shit the other day.

[588] I hate all of this.

[589] Why?

[590] I mean, I love it, but imagining Kylie do it, it's crazy because he is the most I think he might be the most straight -laced person I've ever met in my life.

[591] Yeah.

[592] And just now I have the mental image of him doing it.

[593] Also, you know what I always do?

[594] I'd always add him driving home in a very small, sensible square car and then going home and pulling the blanket up to his chin to go to sleep.

[595] And then the phone rings.

[596] With a nightcap.

[597] With a nightcap.

[598] And then the phone rings and it's the club going, they're screaming for you.

[599] They want more.

[600] And so he gets out, puts on his blazer, gets back in his little car, goes back there, and then goes out and becomes this other person.

[601] Yeah.

[602] I picture him with a pipe carousel.

[603] Yeah.

[604] And the other thing is that he's the person who reads the most long books like Robert Carrow, those LBJ books.

[605] The person, one of the people.

[606] He and I have that same affliction.

[607] Oh, I didn't realize that.

[608] That was one of the questions.

[609] No, we both do that.

[610] Did you like that Robert Caro documentary?

[611] Have you seen that?

[612] I'm in it.

[613] Oh, yes.

[614] You fuck her.

[615] I'm sorry.

[616] I got confused because you were also in the...

[617] You thought that was Dennis Leary going on and on about Caro?

[618] I'm in documentaries I shouldn't be in about like sex trafficking in Sweden.

[619] And they just...

[620] And Connor O 'Brien waiting.

[621] You should be in that one.

[622] I was cleared I took notes today on things I should bring up the fact that Rupert Murdoch gave us two of the most important comedy things in history like the same summer Simpsons and get a life I was like this man has done really nothing for the world but then these two really important things that brought so much joy and helped me get through all these things that he caused and you should just for a second Because there were going to be people listening or young people that don't know what Get a Life is.

[623] Oh, yeah.

[624] He had this show that was short -lived, of course, because it was so good.

[625] And so it's time, but it was on maybe 30 episodes on Fox called Get a Life.

[626] And he played Chris Peterson.

[627] Yes.

[628] He was a 30 -year -old paper boy who lived at home with his parents.

[629] Yeah.

[630] But was arrogant.

[631] Yes.

[632] Errigant, a little bit nuts, believed in himself, got laid all the time.

[633] It was very forward with women.

[634] Well, then also, it got very.

[635] And so beautifully.

[636] and like Odenkirk wrote on it, Charlie Kaufman.

[637] Yeah.

[638] And then as the series later on, they started having him die at the end of every episode, but then not explaining why he was back.

[639] Yes.

[640] And I just always remember as a comedy fan, when people do that, I'm just, yay.

[641] Yeah.

[642] Thank you.

[643] Oh, yeah.

[644] Thank you for not trying to.

[645] His dad played his dad, but unlike every other dad in a sitcom, his dad hated him and was rooting for his demise.

[646] And, yeah, it was incredible.

[647] There's a couple of things that I want to make sure I talk to you about.

[648] Your obsession with comedy or your interest in comedy goes way back to when you're a kid.

[649] And you got to do something that I dreamed of doing but never got to do, which is you got to go to a live taping of Johnny Carson's Tonight Show.

[650] Oh, yeah.

[651] And that's something I never experienced.

[652] Can you tell me what that was like?

[653] Yes.

[654] I was 13.

[655] I had just been bar mitzvitt.

[656] And my brother Max had gone to spring break and been bumped three times.

[657] and back then in the 19 from the from the no I'm sorry that made it sound like my brother max was a guest on on the night show with Carson no he'd been bumped by the airline oh I see okay flying on spring break and and so he had gotten these these tickets they were they I don't know if they were round trip but they afforded my mother and I to go to Los Angeles my brother couldn't use him because he was starting a job in Florida so he gave him to us we used them to go to Los Angeles, stayed with my cousin Della.

[658] We waited in line and got tickets to get into the, but I was 13, you had to be 16 to get into a live taping, but I was already 5 -11, almost six feet.

[659] And so my mother said he's 16.

[660] And then I got in and I said, oh my God, we made it.

[661] And then an usher said, excuse me, how old are you?

[662] And my mother got right in her face and she said, do you think I would take a child into something as important as the tonight show with Johnny Carson?

[663] And my mother, I mean, the lying.

[664] God bless her.

[665] She really got her face.

[666] I want your job.

[667] Be great if she got her, got that kid fired.

[668] Yeah.

[669] She was so convincing.

[670] I felt like I was 16.

[671] I had just turned 13.

[672] And anyhow, it couldn't have been a better.

[673] First of all, Johnny did the monologue, and he screwed up one of the lines and retook it.

[674] And then when they went to break, he said, I really blew their shit out of that joke.

[675] And I said, oh, my gosh, he swore.

[676] Yeah.

[677] And you couldn't, you didn't hear Johnny Carter.

[678] You know what?

[679] I talked to Robert Smigel told me that he went to a taping of Johnny Carson and Johnny Carson when he knew it wouldn't, because it was pre -taped.

[680] Yeah.

[681] Said shit in front of the crowd and they went wild.

[682] Back then, the idea of someone that you knew on TV that intimately saying the word shit was impossible.

[683] Yes.

[684] And so that must have been electrifying.

[685] It was electrifying.

[686] And then the guest was Carrie Fisher and Gary Shannon.

[687] Oh, my God.

[688] So Princess Leia at Erlea ist.

[689] And then this.

[690] And Gary at his Shandlingist.

[691] Oh, my gosh.

[692] And then this comedian who I only knew from the tonight show.

[693] And he was so funny.

[694] And then he did this bit with, it wasn't a bit, I guess, but it came off as a bit with Carrie Fisher where he says, I know your parents, Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher.

[695] Do you know my parents, Irv and Muriel Shandling?

[696] And I was in love.

[697] I was like, here's this guy.

[698] who's Jewish, neurotic, and miserable, yet he's flirting with Gary Fisher.

[699] And that was the thing that I always found so interesting about comedians.

[700] They really had nothing to speak of in terms of being attractive to women, but all this confidence in it just really captured me in a very young age.

[701] I was like, that is the only way I'm ever going to get married is if I'm super funny, like Shandling or somebody like that.

[702] all kids throughout history take an inventory early on when I found out that I could make people laugh thinking, all right, I've got this.

[703] I'm going to develop the fuck I'm going to mostly being interested in I want that girl to like me and then the big barrier is she's laughing really hard but I see her going to the dance with that other guy.

[704] He has no comedy but he has a developed body.

[705] Yeah.

[706] Who needs that?

[707] My shallow chest should be enough for anyone.

[708] My wasted legs?

[709] What's wrong with these?

[710] My 19th century cough?

[711] The little bits of pink foam from dissolving lung?

[712] What's wrong with that?

[713] Why are you saying those things, though?

[714] My dad took care of everyone but me. A brilliant scientist who never knew.

[715] I noticed that I was dying of consumption.

[716] You were the control experiment.

[717] I was the control experiment.

[718] I think consumption is my favorite old -timey disease because a lot of people will go tuberculosis, but the people who are familiar go consumption.

[719] Consumption.

[720] Also, it's true.

[721] You and I speak the exact same language.

[722] I like that people used to have stuff called the flux.

[723] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[724] Or they'd call you a lunger.

[725] Yeah, if you had a lunger.

[726] If you had a lunger, if you had consumption, they'd call you a longer.

[727] Yeah.

[728] But also, I love that when you got sick back then, they would apply a poultice.

[729] They would apply a mustard poultice to your chest, which basically means, you know, just covering your chest with mustard.

[730] Yeah, exactly.

[731] But they did it for me, like, someone would get shot in the head.

[732] I believe when Lincoln was dying of a bullet, the size of an Oreo cookie in his brain, they were like, apply a poultice.

[733] A mustard poultice.

[734] We'll save the president.

[735] Did it work?

[736] Kind of.

[737] Because when he died, he smelled like a hot dog.

[738] And people weren't quite as sad.

[739] I'm sure there were other poultices.

[740] There was the mustard.

[741] I always talk about mustard.

[742] The remolade of poultas.

[743] The topanade polters.

[744] That way he doesn't pull through, but we have a dip.

[745] We have a dipping sauce.

[746] At the end, after Lincoln died, everyone sat around and they were very sad.

[747] And Seward said, now he belongs to the ages.

[748] And then somehow someone produced a bag of tortilla chips.

[749] And they just started dipping into his stuff.

[750] A little salsa.

[751] See, I'll just start crunching.

[752] Mary Lincoln comes in, what are you doing?

[753] Oh, he can't let this go to waste.

[754] The coffin isn't here yet.

[755] I want to make sure I mention your book, too.

[756] You've been busy.

[757] I didn't want to be a schnorer, which is a Yiddish term.

[758] I learned that word from Groucho Marx.

[759] Okay.

[760] Yeah, he used to sing a song about being, I'm not a schnorer, which I think was, yeah.

[761] Captain Spalding, I think, has the word snorer in it.

[762] My name is Captain Spalding, the African explorer.

[763] I'm no schnoor.

[764] Oh, I love that.

[765] And I remember as a kid as being a huge fan of the Marx brothers and thinking, And schnoor?

[766] What's snorer?

[767] And then someone explained it to me. Oh, that's a great feeling for a Yiddish, well, a Jewish person who knows some Yiddish to explain it to somebody because when you show interest, we get very excited.

[768] Yeah.

[769] So Misfit, growing up awkward in the 80s is your memoir.

[770] Yes.

[771] And was this cathartic for you?

[772] Because you've famously, you've talked about it a lot.

[773] And I think, you know, people say, oh, it's brave.

[774] And I think it's like, well, it's great that you talk about your struggles with mental health.

[775] And I applaud that, but it's that you do it so with so much empathy and you do it so intelligently and you're funny about it.

[776] Oh, thanks.

[777] And I think that is a man, that's a bomb.

[778] That's worth all the Prozac in the world, you know.

[779] I mean, it was something that I aspired to over the years to finally get to a point where I was far enough away from it that and and also that it was sort of a success story of I overcame this because in the midst of it I wasn't able to write about it and also my brain wasn't working well enough and I didn't have enough confidence but I was so elated and grateful to be on the other side of my depression which I was I received ECT about four months before I did that that a briefing the States thing and really yeah and so I've been yeah the electrical convulsive therapy in in i was inpatient in wild cornell hospital of new york presbyterian and in manhattan and then and you said one of the patients actually recognized me from from tv and and yeah he said uh am i crazy you garry gulman which is i mean you can write an entire act apparently both you are crazy but i'm getting that from context yeah yeah exactly but it's not because you think i'm gary gorman although I would say maybe shoot higher for who you're imagining.

[780] You can imagine anybody.

[781] So many people to aim for.

[782] Yeah, so or, yeah.

[783] And so anyhow, I was so grateful and I wanted to tell the story because I wanted to share that there's hope because that that was one thing my doctor and my wife never gave up on me, but I gave up on myself many, many times.

[784] I kept going through the motions and trying new medicine and treatments and ECT finally was the thing that worked in the hospitalization and it, and it got me to a level that I had never experienced in my life.

[785] I had spent my entire life sort of working at 70, 75%, sometimes 80 % if I could get some momentum.

[786] And then it had kind of a cycle where I would be productive for nine months and then I would fall apart and have to start all over again.

[787] So it was very frustrating.

[788] But since I have been, I guess I would say in remission, that was probably October of 2017, I've had the most joy and experienced life in a way without the heaviness and the fatigue that accompanied a lot of my depressive episodes.

[789] So I'm so grateful.

[790] So I was happy to share this story so that it would give some people hope because what I didn't realize is that people thought, I used to think when somebody famous would either commit suicide or come out about being depressed, I would say, why would that person be depressed?

[791] And I didn't realize that I could be that for some people, that some people would say, oh, if he can get depressed, then it's not a matter of accomplishing something.

[792] It's a matter of chemistry.

[793] And that's the thing that's very hard for people to understand, because the same thing you're trying to work with is telling you, this isn't chemistry, it's you.

[794] You're lazy.

[795] You're dumb.

[796] You're untalented.

[797] So it was important that I was able to get that I'm guilty of the same thing when I was a kid or even well into my teens and 20s when I would hear about a brilliant author or just a performer I loved or anyone getting really depressed and I would think, but I don't understand.

[798] Elvis?

[799] Yeah.

[800] Why would Elvis be depressed?

[801] Why would anyone who has that be depressed?

[802] And then, you know, as you go through life, you realize that material things, success are getting recognized.

[803] It's nice, but it is really true that it doesn't have anything to do with your brain chemistry.

[804] And sometimes it can exacerbate it and make it feel worse.

[805] Like, oh, my God, I have this.

[806] This was supposed to be the thing that made me feel good about myself.

[807] Yeah.

[808] So many people get into comedy or get into this business because they think, once I get that, and everyone knows who I am, and I'm driving a car that looks like that, then all my problems will be over.

[809] When it doesn't happen, rage.

[810] Painful.

[811] Rage.

[812] And I'm talking about myself.

[813] Mage mostly that the car isn't nicer.

[814] Well, okay.

[815] Come on.

[816] Tesla's nice, but I want a Bugatti.

[817] And I never got one.

[818] And that fucking sled.

[819] Spralled out, but it's not mine.

[820] Did the tobogging have a name?

[821] Yeah, exactly.

[822] When I die, I'm just going to say, Toboget.

[823] I'll be like, all these reporters will be scattered.

[824] Tobog it.

[825] Yeah, whatever.

[826] Glide right.

[827] You are, well, I'll just say it again.

[828] Pleasure to know you.

[829] Oh, that's so nice to hear.

[830] I feel the same way.

[831] You've brought me so much joy.

[832] I really admire you because you're such a highly intelligent and empathetic comedian and you do such beautiful work.

[833] you've been through a lot which makes me sad but also um you've come through the other side and you're very honest about it I think it's going to help a lot of people but mostly if I didn't know any of this I just I watch these specials I watch your comedy every time I've seen you perform I think man that guy is so gifted he thinks so differently than everyone else and he's so everything is so crafted and beautifully done the work that goes into it so thank you what you do is as they ever say a mitzvah i'm pinching myself because uh that means so much for me but also it and this was one of the things i wanted to mention just that the exposure you gave me on that show all those times was i mean it changed my life and it gave me a touring career so i'm i'm so grateful for for what you've brought to me even before i was on the show just the joy and knowing that oh there are other people who find this funny and i thought it was right well we found each other yeah And now we're two gangling to press guys from Massachusetts who know each other.

[834] Who love to read.

[835] Who love to read.

[836] Yeah.

[837] They're aren't enough.

[838] Hey, Gary, God bless.

[839] Thank you.

[840] And we'll see you again.

[841] We haven't done a state of the podcast in a while.

[842] And I think it's important for the state of the podcast that we do a state of the podcast.

[843] I'd be convinced if you had just said stay of the podcast one more time.

[844] But I agree.

[845] I think we should take stock.

[846] you know, how are we doing?

[847] And I think also self -criticism is very valuable.

[848] It's good for us to really kick the tires on this thing and make sure that we're living up to people's expectations.

[849] How do we proceed?

[850] Well, as we always do, we bring in Adam Sacks.

[851] He runs this place.

[852] He makes it happen.

[853] He makes it work.

[854] He does the dance that keeps the floor thumping.

[855] Yeah.

[856] So, Adam.

[857] Where are we?

[858] Awful.

[859] Awful monologue.

[860] Wasn't, wow.

[861] Yeah.

[862] So say to the podcast.

[863] I brought some notes with me. We are five years in.

[864] it's five years now November 19th 2018 was our first episode the release of our first episode Will Ferrell so we are five years in over 400 episodes wow are we over 400 episodes I believe that's right if we count the fan episodes on our which we do sure important yeah so over 400 episodes and we're actually seeing growth still which is pretty amazing still seeing growth yes so people have been listening to this and more people are still showing up more people are showing up and because Because the catalog is so evergreen, you know, the episodes that we recorded five years ago still are, still hold up.

[865] People show up and then they go back and they listen to the back catalog.

[866] So on a given month, we get 40 % of our listens happening on old episodes.

[867] People are telling friends, but in a good way.

[868] Yeah, in a good way.

[869] That's my first experience with that in show business.

[870] My previous career was you got to check this guy out.

[871] They warning people.

[872] Yeah, so that you don't accidentally stumble on.

[873] him you need to know no but uh that's i mean all kidding aside that's very exciting uh i will say that we made this decision to try and uh and it's also just naturally uh the kind of comedy i like but we're not always talking about the day's events and uh in fact anytime a guest starts to say isn't it funny that uh today in the news i i uh i reach over the table and slap them yeah there's also we're we're still getting like crazy amazing guests that you know are coming on for the first time Even recently, we've had Arnold Schwarzenegger, Harrison Ford, Steve Martin, Sir Paul McCartney, Kelly Clarkson.

[874] You know, it was great Schwarzenegger.

[875] We didn't even invite him.

[876] And we tried to keep him out of the building.

[877] He's like, I'm coming in.

[878] You know, I said, no, no, we're here.

[879] We're talking to Ted dance.

[880] He's like, it's going to be me. And he smashed his way through.

[881] Yeah.

[882] Did you need more from me?

[883] No, you're giving me. what you'll always give me. You know, I just have so much to add to this.

[884] Okay.

[885] And the other thing I wanted to bring up, which is interesting, is the industry has evolved.

[886] If we look back five years, if you think about the advertisers we had at the beginning, it was mostly what are called direct response advertisers, DR advertisers, where oftentimes they're like digital advertisers, you know, fracture prints was a good, remember the backscratcher.

[887] Oh, I miss fracture.

[888] Yes.

[889] And they have an offer code, right?

[890] Offer code Conan or go to this specific URL.

[891] And that's how they know if the ad is working, it's attribution.

[892] So we've grown out of that now.

[893] We still have plenty of them, but we've gotten into more brands, big brands.

[894] And that's, I think.

[895] Listen, I like that things are moving in the right direction, but sometimes you're the victim of your success.

[896] And I will say, I miss, I mean, fracture.

[897] That was a great company.

[898] Do they still exist?

[899] Yes.

[900] No, no, they do.

[901] Well, for Conan's 60th birthday, I got.

[902] I'm a fracture print.

[903] Can we just edit that so it's 40th?

[904] And anyway, we're at the same age.

[905] But you know it's, thank you.

[906] No, it's fun being, well, I guess I'm 41 now.

[907] There's a thing that can happen sometimes in life where, yes, you've had good fortune, but you miss that old little apartment you used to live in.

[908] Remember where the shower didn't quite work, but boy, did we have good times in that old little?

[909] And that's how I think of the fracture print ads.

[910] Well, it's funny you say that because the brand, so now we have a lot of brand advertisers.

[911] We have, you know, Miller Lite, Chevy, these big brands that don't have.

[912] And by the way, those are terrific products.

[913] They're fantastic.

[914] But brand advertisers, so direct response advertisers don't necessarily, they're not that sensitive about the content that they're advertising on.

[915] They just, for the most part, care that the ad works.

[916] They want the ROI, the return on the investment.

[917] Yeah.

[918] Do you ever speak normally?

[919] I know.

[920] I'm getting somewhere.

[921] Is this what it's like in the bedroom?

[922] Yeah.

[923] But brand advertisers really care about associating with talent, right?

[924] And so what they have been doing more and more is brand safety analysis.

[925] And I actually brought some brand safety analysis for Corona Bryant needs a friend.

[926] Boy, you're fun at a holiday party.

[927] Here's my question, though, because he was on television for like 20 years before the podcast.

[928] That brand wasn't enough.

[929] Well, that's a good question.

[930] Yeah.

[931] So you can see how we rank here.

[932] Thanks, Sona.

[933] This is funny.

[934] Okay.

[935] All right, so this is...

[936] I think this is mostly...

[937] Wait, what is this now?

[938] Explain what's happening.

[939] Can you take a second and explain what this is?

[940] Yeah, so this is our brand safety analysis that's done, I think, primarily by, like, AI and transcription.

[941] So transcription is done on the podcast and then some algorithm decides how brand safe the show is.

[942] This is real.

[943] This is real.

[944] Yeah, yeah.

[945] These are real ratings on the show.

[946] And so brand advertisers, when they're deciding whether they want to advertise on a specific podcast, will look at these ratings and decide if the show is safe for them to be associated with.

[947] Okay.

[948] All right.

[949] So, medium, adult sexual, explicit content.

[950] That seems low.

[951] Is that, that seems very low.

[952] It says it's only a four - Dicks and stuff.

[953] Oh, but down here, obscenity and profanity, it's in the red for 83 % and 71 % high risk.

[954] Yeah.

[955] So we're killing it with obscenity and profanity.

[956] Maybe this is just all our clinical talk.

[957] You know what?

[958] I don't like.

[959] Hate speech.

[960] Hate speech.

[961] 7%.

[962] That's you.

[963] Acts of aggression.

[964] That's you.

[965] Oh, acts of aggression.

[966] That's you.

[967] I don't like, because there's no hate speech here, but there is me routinely trying to take a swat at somebody.

[968] You're also crime and violence because you say the word murder on a regular face.

[969] Yeah.

[970] I mean, you're 11 % high risk.

[971] Wait a minute.

[972] Military conflict.

[973] Do you want to just run down what the sheet says to give us kind of an overview?

[974] Well, adult and sexual explicit content, 4%.

[975] Alcohol, 2%.

[976] These are risks.

[977] High risk, zero.

[978] Pursuitability.

[979] Crime and violence, 12%.

[980] Wow.

[981] Death or injury, 3%.

[982] Remember one time we did a segment about robbing a bank and what would our masks be?

[983] So things like that are factored in.

[984] Okay.

[985] Death or injury 3%, epidemic 3%, hate speech and acts of aggression.

[986] 7%.

[987] It's a little high for me. Illegal drugs, 1%.

[988] We don't really talk about drugs a lot.

[989] Yeah, we do.

[990] Yeah, we do.

[991] But those aren't illegal.

[992] They're not illegal.

[993] Everything you do is legal.

[994] Yeah, that's true.

[995] Obscenity and profanity.

[996] 83%.

[997] Wow.

[998] That's a high number.

[999] Tobacco, e -cigarettes vaping 0%.

[1000] Well, now it's going to be in there, though.

[1001] Will it factor this in?

[1002] Oh, yeah, now it's going to be in there.

[1003] Look at this.

[1004] This is a category.

[1005] Violation of human rights.

[1006] Oh, that's just us working for you.

[1007] Yeah, that's you.

[1008] It's a violation of human rights to work here, and that's 1%.

[1009] I don't understand military conflict.

[1010] Yeah, what is military conflict?

[1011] Well, we talk about World War II comes up quite a bit.

[1012] The term Nazi will pop up every once in a while.

[1013] I think it's...

[1014] I think it is like just talking about...

[1015] World War II.

[1016] Basically, World War II, facts, trivia.

[1017] Stalin comes up a lot.

[1018] But is this a concern that us discussing these things right now will bump these numbers up?

[1019] I hadn't thought of it.

[1020] And then next year when we do this again, it'll count.

[1021] I think so.

[1022] Boobies, Nazis.

[1023] Vagin.

[1024] But I think so the truth is like this is more...

[1025] Sona made a really, really important point, which is like you were on TV for 28 years.

[1026] Yeah.

[1027] Your brand is established.

[1028] You had advertisers on that show.

[1029] Yes, I did.

[1030] So it was a brand safe show, your brand safe talent.

[1031] This really is more done for talent that is maybe lesser known to, you know, advertisers when they're making the decision, if they want to advertise on a specific show.

[1032] I see.

[1033] But I did think that you would just find it interesting that we're being analyzed right now.

[1034] What do you take away from this?

[1035] I actually take away that there is a high sensitivity among advertisers now, higher than ever, it seems to be associated with brand.

[1036] safe content.

[1037] So I think for us, we should just be monitoring your language, primarily everyone's language here.

[1038] And thinking of these categories every time we go into an interview or do a segment.

[1039] No, but...

[1040] If I'm told not to do something, I just want to do it more.

[1041] Adam, you're coming dangerously close to being the man censoring the artist here.

[1042] Also, I don't think I use profanity.

[1043] I mean, Cockeroo, is that really profanity?

[1044] I don't know.

[1045] I love that answer I love the way you said it I don't know there was talk of gerbils is all kind of It's not unless you really get into What it's all about It's obscene and profane I don't think this thing understands context either Yeah it doesn't understand context So talk of gerbils is quite a lot That could be a children's story But it could be It could be Take gerbils and think Joseph gerbils And make it a Nazi thing No that's gerbils Well It's written in a transcript It doesn't know It does It knows the difference.

[1046] They're spelled completely differently.

[1047] It's ridiculous.

[1048] I think the state of the conflict, I think the state of the show, our numbers are going up on military conflict.

[1049] I think the show is doing well.

[1050] We are marching forward.

[1051] We're like the allies pushing in to France.

[1052] We're pushing forward.

[1053] We're moving our way.

[1054] We're penetrating.

[1055] Okay.

[1056] We're having sex with.

[1057] the other army listen don't ruin a good thing I'm pleased and I feel I do nothing but say I have gratitude that we've been doing this for five years I've been having a very good time I love doing this with you with you people I gotta learn your names but and I think we should maybe tone down the pee -poo a little bit you got it cockface but I do want us to keep getting more and more brand friendly I really do I want to just keep chisling away I want to But Pee and Poo -Po is what we are That's who we are as people What a wonderful story this is No but that's just what we Who we are I feel like you're telling us to change ourselves I'd like the Hallmark channel To one day advertise with us And I think to get that And probably also Disneyland So to get those kind of brands Those are the ones I really want We need to bring his numbers down.

[1058] I think we definitely need to check back in.

[1059] We need to do quarterly state of the podcast and see the trend of the numbers.

[1060] Can we do that?

[1061] Yeah.

[1062] 83%.

[1063] That's high.

[1064] It's red.

[1065] 83 % obscenity and profanity.

[1066] Let's get that number down and let's get violation of human rights way up.

[1067] I don't know how, but we will.

[1068] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1069] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1070] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1071] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1072] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1073] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1074] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1075] Engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[1076] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1077] You can rate and review this show.

[1078] on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1079] Got a question for Conan?

[1080] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.

[1081] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1082] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.