Lying & Misbehavior: Don’t Miss the Real Issue!

[0] Hey, moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.

[1] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.

[2] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.

[3] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors like chaotic, hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.

[4] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.

[5] I feel like myself again.

[6] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.

[7] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.

[8] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order.

[9] at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.

[10] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.

[11] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked, and what powers me is my AG1.

[12] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.

[13] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it, and the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiose, and whole food sourced ingredients.

[14] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[15] AG1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.

[16] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.

[17] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.

[18] If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with.

[19] with AG1.

[20] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[21] That's drinkag1 .com check it out.

[22] Do you have a child who lies, who just makes stuff up, who lies right to your face even when you know it?

[23] Why would they do that?

[24] What are they getting out of it?

[25] And most importantly, what can we do about it?

[26] How can we stop it?

[27] That is what we're going to discuss today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[28] We're glad you're here.

[29] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[30] You can find us at CelebrateCalm .com.

[31] If you ever need anything, email our son who lied a lot when he was a little kid.

[32] Email him.

[33] By the way, he is a rock -solid human being.

[34] He does not lie.

[35] He is actually, he is filled with integrity.

[36] Casey is one of those people that I know who is very honest.

[37] He can handle conflict.

[38] He can handle this stuff because we kind of showed him how to do that, but it's also part of who he is.

[39] And he will help you.

[40] So if you email him, Casey, C -A -S -C -A -S -C -Y at Celebrate Calm .com, he'll help you.

[41] He'll answer your questions.

[42] He'll encourage you.

[43] He will help put together the right resources for your family.

[44] He'll do it within your budget.

[45] You know why?

[46] Because that's what we exist to do, right?

[47] This isn't a business.

[48] It's a mission.

[49] It's a passion that we have and we're here to help you and we want things to change.

[50] So we're going to talk about lying today.

[51] Three points I want to make.

[52] And I'm going to wrap it at the end into making this very, very, very practical with a very specific application.

[53] Number one, smart kids lie.

[54] Smart kids lie.

[55] You know why?

[56] Because they're thinkers.

[57] They think I want something.

[58] How do I get it?

[59] And they'll try all kinds.

[60] kinds of different ways because they're very, very strategic.

[61] But when most of their other ways aren't going to work, what are they going to do?

[62] They're going to make up a story.

[63] Or they're just going to be impulsive, which is part of being a kid, not a bad thing.

[64] You want kids to be impulsive so that they learn from that so that they're not still being really, really impulsive when they're 40.

[65] So when things don't go the way or they get in trouble, now what are they going to do?

[66] They're going to lie about it, right?

[67] Because, look, think about it.

[68] Why would you not do something to get what you want.

[69] It's a very rational, smart thing to do.

[70] And part of it is they don't give up on trying to get what they want.

[71] And if lying works for them in the moment, well, that's what they're going to do.

[72] So it's a very natural, normal thing to do.

[73] And it usually oftentimes is a sign of kids who are actually very, very bright.

[74] Don't freak out about it.

[75] If you have kids who are adopted, especially if they were adopted from, you know, overseas, from an orphanage if they have been neglected when they were little.

[76] A lot of times we've noticed those kids lie a lot too, and part of that is a survival instinct that they have.

[77] So I don't want you to freak out.

[78] Number two point, which is critical.

[79] Most lying isn't an integrity issue.

[80] It is a shame issue.

[81] Most of you with strong -will kids have kids who are are filled with shame because they had been in trouble since the day where they were born and the day they came out of that womb, they are in trouble all the time and they're trying to cover it up.

[82] Let's go back.

[83] Let's do a little bit of history here and see where this comes from.

[84] It's really interesting.

[85] And it doesn't matter if you're religious, not religious.

[86] One of the first stories in ancient literature, whether you think that it is a literal story of Adam and Eve, or if you think that it is metaphorical, or if it's just purely literature, it doesn't matter to me because but here's what is important it is ancient literature that the first one of the first civilized uh human beings who wanted to represent and tell stories about their culture the very first story the very first chapter of the book that was written watch what happens and again it doesn't matter to me if you're religious or not it's instructive to me that one of the very first advanced civilizations chose to represent themselves by this story.

[87] There's an authority figure who tells this guy, you do all this other stuff, don't eat from that tree.

[88] What does the guy do?

[89] Eats from the tree.

[90] What happens?

[91] The authority figure catches his child doing something wrong and says, hey, I was caught you.

[92] Why did you do that?

[93] One of the first acts represented in ancient literature by a human being is, um, she made me do it.

[94] He blamed another human being, his wife.

[95] He lied.

[96] He lied.

[97] And that is one of the first things that happened.

[98] And then what happened?

[99] The next thing we know, he knows that he's naked and he's covering up himself.

[100] He's covering up.

[101] He's covering up.

[102] And what the ancient literature in Genesis says, it's because he was ashamed and he tried to cover up his nakedness.

[103] That is what a lie is.

[104] It is one of the most, well, we've said that.

[105] It is a foundational part of human nature.

[106] It's what we've been doing.

[107] And what I want you to get out of that isn't like, oh, it's normal, just let it go.

[108] No, let's get to the root of it.

[109] The root of it was, shame and I promise you most of your strong will kids that's what they're feeling and a lot of times the way we approach them as authority figures reinforces the shame what were you thinking how many times do I have to tell you those phrases literally mean you're an idiot true that's what it means how many times do I have to tell you obviously You're such an idiot that you didn't figure out that you should, right?

[110] And that's why we prefer, and I really like, the I'm curious phrase.

[111] And I've been through that in other podcasts, and I'll hit it here in the third part of this in just a second.

[112] But we spend way too much time.

[113] If you've got little kids, even teenagers, spend way too much time just saying no all the time.

[114] Don't do that.

[115] Stop doing that.

[116] Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

[117] And what you have to do is say yes to things.

[118] give your kids things they can do.

[119] Every time you tell your child to stop doing something or to stop doing something inappropriate, give them something appropriate to do.

[120] We want to focus on giving kids tools on creating successes so that we can counter that shame response.

[121] So third point, here's where we're going to put it together.

[122] Great email from a good mom.

[123] My daughter missed an assignment and got a zero.

[124] So I asked her to email the teacher and see if she can make it up or do extra work to bring her grade up from a D. She said she would.

[125] A few days later, I asked her about it and I got this vague answer from her.

[126] Sound familiar?

[127] After more digging, I found out she never emailed the teacher in the first place after she told me three times that she did.

[128] When I asked her about it, she gave more excuses that didn't make sense.

[129] So I basically caught her in the lie, and that is when she finally admitted that she lied.

[130] How would you handle blatant lying like that?

[131] Side note, she doesn't have a phone yet.

[132] She's 12.

[133] She's trying to earn the privilege.

[134] The lying certainly isn't helping her case.

[135] That doesn't matter of me right now.

[136] Watch how the mom ended this email.

[137] Very instructive.

[138] All of her tantrums stem from schoolwork, and the over.

[139] overall feeling she has is low confidence and being in the shadow of her older sister who's one year older and does everything well.

[140] Bingo mom, you just answered your own question, right?

[141] And so here's, here, let's break this down a little bit.

[142] You can hear from parents, right?

[143] Like, how would you handle blatant lying?

[144] And I get it, mom and dads.

[145] I get it.

[146] You take it personally.

[147] It's like, oh, it's a personal integrity issue.

[148] That is blatant lying.

[149] And your anxiety gets triggered and you fast forward in your brain and project out into the future and think, I'm going to have this lying child.

[150] How are they ever going to be successful?

[151] And then you're going to take it personally, right?

[152] And so this is part of why we talk about being calm.

[153] I don't want to be calm just for the sake of being calm.

[154] I'm not Gandhi, okay?

[155] It's practical.

[156] There's a utilitarian purpose to being calm.

[157] And here's why.

[158] Two ways to respond.

[159] One is to react.

[160] And as soon as I react, here's what happens.

[161] I take it personally, right?

[162] I project out into the future.

[163] All of my anxiety starts kicking in.

[164] I start thinking, what kind of parent am I?

[165] Right?

[166] Why is she doing this?

[167] Right?

[168] I didn't teach her to lie.

[169] what's going to happen to her in life and we start doing all these things going in where we we get misdirected this whole email the subject line was about line and watch what happens our anxiety and reacting causes us to miss the real issue this issue has zero to do nothing to do with line this whole story has absolutely nothing to do with lying.

[170] But what happens is we react and we're like, I don't believe, I don't understand why you would lie to me. You know what?

[171] That's going to ruin our trust.

[172] I'm not going to be able to get you a phone because I can't trust you.

[173] If you're going to continue to lie, lie, lie.

[174] And we're going to go lie, lie, and we're going to get into that.

[175] The child, and look, I understand that impulse.

[176] Right?

[177] I understand that.

[178] You should be freaked out at first.

[179] That's why we don't react.

[180] Because when you react to freaking out, does a couple things.

[181] We miss the real issue.

[182] And we begin to ruin the relationship.

[183] And watch how this works.

[184] Now, not blaming us, but I want us to grow up and I want us to figure out how to do these things.

[185] And that's why, look, that's why we talk about.

[186] Go to celebrate calm .com.

[187] Get the calm parenting package.

[188] We've got it on sale.

[189] 60 % off.

[190] Everything on the website is like 60 % off, 66 % off because we don't want you having a reason not to get the tools.

[191] These are tools that will help you because as you listen, you will learn this process and it will become more natural so that instead of reacting all the time, instead of losing your cool, instead of projecting out in the future, you can actually problem solve and do this.

[192] And if you need help with that, email Casey and it'll help you.

[193] But that's why I want you to listen to stuff all the time.

[194] So it becomes more natural so that when these situations happen, you know exactly what to do.

[195] Now watch.

[196] This is an important part.

[197] This will cause us if we don't handle it the right way to begin to really ruin that trust, but it's from a different standpoint.

[198] See, this daughter, the daughter that we're talking about, she already feels bad.

[199] Why?

[200] Because she's not good at where their school works.

[201] She doesn't have a lot of confidence, and she's living in the shadow of her perfect older sister.

[202] And now, mom's hammering her, understandably, for lying.

[203] And she's all over.

[204] Now here's one more step toward no confidence, and the relationship gets ruined because now she's like, but mom, It wasn't even about lying.

[205] The lying's not the real issue.

[206] And so watch all these things.

[207] We begin to assume the worst about our child, right?

[208] And it becomes a never -ending cycle.

[209] If you're going to lie and not tell the truth, well, then you're going to be grounded, and you're going to lose this, and you're not going to get this.

[210] And I will tell you, when we treat behavior, when we react to outward behavior, watch how this works.

[211] The lying is an outward manifestation of something going on inside your child.

[212] Almost every single behavior, outward behavior that you are dealing with that you want to change so badly is usually just a smokescreen or it is usually a manifestation of something else happening inside your child.

[213] And that's why you're caught in that cycle of no matter what you do, nothing ever changes.

[214] That's why consequences don't work.

[215] What consequence are you going to...

[216] Well, I need to give her a consequence for lying.

[217] I'm going to wash out her mouth, or her mouth out with soap, and I'm just going to take things away.

[218] Well, but you're not dealing with the root of the issue.

[219] And so here's where we get to, instead of reacting, I respond.

[220] And I step back for a minute and I control my own anxiety and I don't get freaked out.

[221] I don't project into the future.

[222] And now I can see it clearly.

[223] The lying's not the issue.

[224] Isn't it fascinating?

[225] And I'm not getting on this mom at all.

[226] what we all do.

[227] But she wrote this whole thing out about lying.

[228] And it's blatant, listen to it, blatant line, right?

[229] Because it gets under your skin.

[230] And in the very last paragraph, in the last sentence, she basically answered her own question.

[231] All of her tantrum stem from schoolwork, and the overall feeling that she's low in confidence and is in the shadow of her perfect older sister.

[232] well that's the whole issue that's the root of the issue she doesn't do school work well she struggles with it and now she's embarrassed i .e. ashamed of her grade that she didn't turn it in right and she didn't do the work and so mom says realistic right rightly so well you need to talk to your teacher and see if you can make up for that and daughter's like okay well then the daughter doesn't do it, right?

[233] Because, why?

[234] Because she's ashamed and she doesn't want to go to her teacher and say, hey, that assignment you gave me, yeah, listen, I didn't do it and I'm going to lie to my mom about it, okay?

[235] Like what, right, and I get that.

[236] So mom's like, did you email the teacher?

[237] Yeah, I email everything's good mom.

[238] Why?

[239] Because I don't want to deal with it.

[240] And I'm not saying it's right of her to do at all.

[241] But I also, because I'm an adult and because I tend to place the onus on the adults in the situation.

[242] I'm not blaming the mom here, so please don't hear that.

[243] Don't hear it's like, oh, it's always our fault.

[244] Not at all.

[245] It's just that we're the grown -ups, and I think that we should do it as part of our job is to teach our kids.

[246] See, we're really good at giving consequences and punishing and sending to the room and taking away stuff.

[247] That's not teaching.

[248] That's not real discipline.

[249] Discipline means to teach.

[250] Not teaching her anything.

[251] Well, I just told her, I just taught her that lying's wrong.

[252] Your daughter already.

[253] knows that lying's wrong.

[254] Your three -year -old knows that lying is and stealing and everything else they do.

[255] They know it's wrong.

[256] They just don't want the consequence for it, right?

[257] And they want to please us.

[258] They want to know how to do it, but they often don't know how to do it.

[259] And this girl is ashamed.

[260] So here's what's really cool.

[261] Now that I can step back and know, oh, here's the reason she's lying.

[262] It's because she's not confident, not good at school, and doesn't feel good compared to her sister.

[263] Now I'm going to get to the root of it.

[264] I'm going to problem solve.

[265] And now I'm going to come alongside my daughter.

[266] See, most of the time, it's me standing up against, facing my child saying, why would you do that?

[267] If you continue to do that, and the kids, they're like, you have no idea what the real issue is.

[268] you have no right what why are you getting me on about the line the real issue is that i don't feel good about myself and i'm ashamed of myself and so i'm just going to lie because i can't deal with it right and so instead of facing off against the child me against you which watch i prompt watch what happens i guarantee this is going to happen when we react and handle it that way guess what's going to happen she's going to lie even more she's going to to use all of her creativity and all of that brain energy to keep lying and lie even better so that this doesn't keep repeating.

[269] But now I understand what the root of the issue is.

[270] Now I can come alongside my daughter and say, hey, listen, I'm curious.

[271] I know that you didn't do the assignment.

[272] I know you didn't email your teacher.

[273] And I know school is frustrating for you.

[274] and I'm curious, what's the hardest part of your schoolwork?

[275] Now, you've got to counter inside your brain.

[276] It's like, well, if she would just try, if she would just do her best, she's smart enough.

[277] Well, again, do you want me to come beside you every day?

[278] I know this podcast probably sounds like it is, but do you want me to come to your house and point out everything you do wrong and then just point out, you know, if you just applied yourself a little bit more, you would do that better, right?

[279] Like, that's not what my tone.

[280] I don't want that to be.

[281] I'm trying to give you insight and then give you tools so you can do it better.

[282] My job is to give you tools as a parent so that next time you don't head down that path.

[283] I'm giving you tools, right?

[284] It's not just ending with like, you know what?

[285] You know why your daughter does that because you can't trust you because you're a horrible mother or dad?

[286] Right?

[287] That's not the message.

[288] I want us to realize what we're doing so that we can then change it.

[289] And I try to give you lots and lots and lots of tools.

[290] So here's a tool, which is come alongside and say, I'm curious and identify with her struggles and say, of course, school's difficult.

[291] I get it because you've got this really cool, if you want to go a little deeper, you've got this really cool brain that's really, really busy, and you're super creative.

[292] And so your brain's always running in all these different ways, and it's very, very busy in there, and you're creative, and you're thinking about all kinds of different solutions.

[293] And so it makes school a little bit harder for you.

[294] I get that.

[295] So what is the hardest part of it?

[296] What do you need help with most?

[297] How can we do it differently?

[298] And here's where we give tools.

[299] And that's a huge part of our program is giving kids tools to succeed.

[300] Rather than just, if you keep doing that, X is the consequence.

[301] Like, no, of course you're struggling.

[302] Of course you're struggling.

[303] So here's some tools.

[304] How do you want to do schoolwork differently?

[305] You want to do schoolwork sitting out in the back of the pickup truck.

[306] You want to do your schoolwork.

[307] We'll put a blanket over the kitchen table and make a fort.

[308] Because sports are pretty cool.

[309] You want to do it while you're listening to music, while you're sitting in a closet, while you're walking outside, while you're on your swing.

[310] How do you want to do your homework differently?

[311] How can we jumpstart your brain?

[312] And that's a huge part of that the no BS program, especially.

[313] ADHD University program is great for understanding the child's brain.

[314] That comes with the special calm parenting package.

[315] If you want the no BS program, we go through a lot more on like jump starting the child's brain, how to get them to push through when things are different.

[316] difficult because you have to teach them how to do it.

[317] There's a get everything package.

[318] Go on the website and find it there.

[319] But anyway, I want to give some tools to jumpstart the brain to teach them how to manage their energy, not their time.

[320] So instead of, watch what we've done.

[321] Instead of this being about, I need to stop my daughter from lying.

[322] Now we've re -framed this to, no, I need to give my daughter some tools so that she can do her homework and feel confident doing that.

[323] And when she does her homework, I'm going to affirm her.

[324] And I'm going to be like, hey, that was a really good job because that was a tough assignment.

[325] But I saw what you did.

[326] Man, you really worked hard on that.

[327] You really overcame that.

[328] And now I'm teaching her tools to do it so she's confident.

[329] And I'm going to do a lot of other things to build up her confidence, like focus on her strengths and give her jobs doing missions that take advantage of her gifts, talents, and passions, right?

[330] I'm going to use that to build up her confidence.

[331] It's tools, tools, tools, tools, tools, and we're building the child up from the inside out so that they don't feel ashamed, so they don't feel bad about themselves, so they don't feel like they need to lie or shut down.

[332] Does that make sense?

[333] So let me tie this all together.

[334] I encourage you with this process.

[335] When something happens when you see an outward behavior that your child is exhibiting, instead of reacting, let's be a detective and let's look a little bit deeper and let's think, huh, what do you think that what is the real issue behind this and what kind of tools can I give my child in order to create successes and build their confidence?

[336] And you can do this whether your child is three or 13 or 17 or eight or nine, whatever age, it's the process we all use for ourselves, right, of getting to the root of it.

[337] And so I want you now.

[338] Next time your kids lie, step back and think, why are they lying?

[339] I wonder what's really going on.

[340] Be curious.

[341] Why are my kids playing video games all the time?

[342] I guarantee there's a reason that they're doing it that you're not seeing.

[343] But if you dig in and say, I'm curious, because I'm sitting next to you and you're doing this thing many hours a day, and I'm curious, what are you getting out of it?

[344] How is this serving you?

[345] Whatever behavior it is stealing things, what are you getting out of that?

[346] Is that from brain stimulation?

[347] Are you bored?

[348] Why are you getting trouble in class?

[349] Why is it?

[350] Because you're bored?

[351] Good.

[352] Well, let me figure out, give you some tools so you're not so bored.

[353] Does that make sense?

[354] If you go deeper, you'll find a solution.

[355] Look, this doesn't have, I don't want parenting to be so hard.

[356] It's already hard to begin with, because all relationships are, but parenting doesn't have to be that hard.

[357] We tend to make it harder than it needs to be.

[358] I want to take the pressure off of you because once we get to the root of it and we teach this girl how to do homework in different ways, guess what happens?

[359] The lying begins to stop.

[360] All the negative outward behavior begins to go away because we got to the root of it.

[361] And that's a lot easier than the negative.

[362] Watch, if you're in that never -ending cycle of consequences, consequences, consequence, child lies, shame, all that sequence, then change it.

[363] And let's do it a different way.

[364] And let us help you with that.

[365] Email, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[366] He will help you with our, pick out the right resources for your family.

[367] He will help you with your budget.

[368] We'll help you with everything.

[369] It's what we're here for.

[370] And we love you very much.

[371] And we want you and enjoy your kids again.

[372] And we want you to enjoy being a parent.

[373] So thanks.

[374] Let's know how we can help.

[375] We'll talk to you soon.

[376] Bye -bye.