Disappoint Your Kids on Purpose

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[24] So you may be surprised that some of the best parenting advice I've ever, received came from none other than Mick Jagger because he once said you can't always get what you want and that's true so I used to open up our live workshops many years ago with a story about how I would disappoint my son on purpose and everybody thought that was like well that's mean why are you doing that well it wasn't just for my son I was doing it for myself.

[25] And I'm going to explain that today on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[26] So welcome.

[27] This is Kirk Martin.

[28] Founder Celebrate Calm.

[29] We're glad you're here.

[30] If we can help you in any way, reach out to that.

[31] Our son, Casey, he can tell you all of these horrible stories, because I tell you horrible stories about him.

[32] But he's an amazing young man. And he was a great kid.

[33] It was just my perception of him, right, was off.

[34] It was the things that I grew up with, the expectations that I had, the false expectations, all of my anxiety, all of my control issues.

[35] I spent so much time trying to control and change my son.

[36] And all it did was cause frustration for me, frustration for him, frustration for everyone in the family, and nothing really changed until I learned to change myself.

[37] So if you email him, it's K -C -C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com, ask him say, Hey, give me a couple stories how your dad was a freak, right?

[38] He can tell you about that.

[39] And he will help you.

[40] We've got a huge Christmas holiday sale going on.

[41] And so I'm hoping that parents will take advantage of this so we can start the new year with a new family, with a new outlook, how we view our kids.

[42] So it can be different.

[43] So you have the tools to do that.

[44] So you can find that at celebrate column .com.

[45] So here's kind of the setup for this.

[46] It was, it came kind of early on as I began to change with Casey.

[47] because I used to be that kind of fear and intimidation, my wear, the highway approach.

[48] But I also didn't want to go to the opposite extreme and just let him get away with things and walk on eggshells around him.

[49] And let's not get him upset because he can't handle disappointment.

[50] So one of my favorite tools that I began to use was to literally just say no to him for no good reason other than to just disappoint him.

[51] so he'd ask something like hey dad can i go to my friend's house on friday night and i'd say no and he'd ask why and i'd be like no good reason i just want you to be disappointed and he was like seriously dad and i was like yeah because i want you to learn that disappointment is a fact of life right it's disappointment is one of the things that you can count on literally every single day of your life probably every hour of your life and what i wanted him to know was that he was capable of handling that disappointment without me having to fix it for him.

[52] So every day, we have to deal with disappointment, and I want your kids to develop the internal resources necessary to deal with life's challenges without us making everything better for them.

[53] So then Casey would say, whether he said it verbally or through his actions, oh yeah, if you're going to make me stay home on Friday night, I'm going to make your night miserable.

[54] Now, how many of you have kids who can make your night miserable?

[55] Some of you have kids who have made their entire time on earth kind of miserable, and I get that.

[56] You're not being mean saying that, right?

[57] Now, if you continue with that attitude, that's not going to lead to anything good, but it's a reality that you have kids who are very challenging.

[58] You have kids who are extremely emotional, who don't do transitions well, they don't play games well, they pick on their siblings all the time.

[59] They kind of dominate family life.

[60] go and do things together because it's just not worth it.

[61] Everything ends up becoming a fight.

[62] And I get that.

[63] Totally get that.

[64] But that's partly your issue, my issue, right?

[65] How many of you have kids who can push your buttons?

[66] Now, I know most of you are like, oh, that's my child.

[67] We know whose issue that is.

[68] It's mainly your issue.

[69] Why?

[70] Because we have so many buttons to push.

[71] And I'm serious about this.

[72] Look, the real problem isn't that your child is good at pushing your buttons.

[73] By the way, that shows you that your child has very good insight into human nature because he's an observer and he sees patterns, which are, those are great qualities that we need to cultivate in a positive way instead of always just picking out the negative applications or the negative expressions that, oh, you always push buttons.

[74] Why don't we ever take the time to say, you know why you're so good at pushing buttons?

[75] Because you're an observer of human, nature because you see patterns and you have a unique gift because you know exactly what it takes to set me off, exactly what it takes to set your dad off, to set your sister off, and one day, here's what I know about you.

[76] You also have a big heart.

[77] And one day, you're going to use that skill, that insight into human nature, that's seeing patterns.

[78] You're going to use that to help people and I'm excited to see that day, right?

[79] Does that make sense?

[80] We start to reframe things.

[81] I'm not denying that your child is difficult and challenging.

[82] I'm trying to get us to see, but that's not the only side of them.

[83] That's not the only thing going on.

[84] And usually it's another route, right?

[85] Like most of the defiance in your kids, I guarantee it's caused by frustration and anxiety.

[86] And if you could help them not feel so frustrated and deal with their anxiety, a lot of the defiance would go away.

[87] A little quick aside here while I'm on it.

[88] Some of the defiance is actually caused a little bit by you because your expectations are unreasonable.

[89] Look, it would be odd.

[90] If when your kids were playing or doing something, you came in a room and asked them to do something, if right away they jumped up and said, yes, ma 'am, yes, sir, I wasn't having a good time playing.

[91] I was hoping you'd give me some additional chores, mom and dad, so that I could show you how responsible I am, right?

[92] Like that would be odd.

[93] I expect pushback.

[94] It's human nature.

[95] And so some defiance isn't really defiance.

[96] It's that maybe you or your spouse is just so rigid because that's how you grew up.

[97] And so you misinterpret everything, right?

[98] It's like almost every man on the planet misinterprets his child not giving him eye contact as somehow being disrespectful when it's not at all, right?

[99] And so I want you to get to the root of some of these issues.

[100] And this issue is yours because you are prickly at times and you're so easily provoked.

[101] Now, I get it.

[102] Many of you are exhausted and worn down.

[103] Some of that is because you're doing too much for your kids.

[104] Some of it is it's just reality because you have kids and a family and it's hard and it's exhausting and sometimes that's not that you're doing anything wrong it's just the reality and i want you to deal with the reality of it right so work on your own issues if you get the um get everything package or calm parenting package for um for christmas go through the 30 days to calm program first do that to begin the new year and as you go through that email me and i promise I will walk you through all of your triggers.

[105] It's really cool because once you deal with your own anxiety and control issues, your kids won't be able to push your buttons, and you will be able to see clearly to actually help them, which is what you want to do because you love your kids.

[106] And the reason I know you love your kids is because you're listening to a parenting podcast, right?

[107] You're reading all those books.

[108] So what was my response when Casey would threaten or try to make my night miserable?

[109] Now, this is hard, but it's critical.

[110] One, I would sit down because that helps me get control of my emotions, and I'd say these three things.

[111] Casey, I refuse to give you power over my mood and power over my Friday night.

[112] Your mood does not determine my mood, and your behavior does not change my behavior.

[113] Now, that is foundational for everything else we talk about in discipline, because you have to be able to say that of, your mood's not going to determine my mood.

[114] Your behavior does not change my behavior.

[115] You have every right to be in a bad mood.

[116] I am okay with you being in a bad mood.

[117] Just don't expect me to join in it, right?

[118] Now, if my child's going through something really difficult, I'm not going to be like, oh, too bad, too bad your girlfriend broke up with you, suck it up, happened to me too.

[119] I'm not going to say that, right?

[120] But I'm talking about when they're just disappointed by one of your decisions.

[121] I'm not talking about kids who are feeling pain and emotional turmoil and trauma.

[122] That's not what I'm talking about.

[123] You just told them, no, they can't have their fruit snacks and they get all upset at you.

[124] Or you're not going to let them play on their video games for 18 hours a day.

[125] Or you're not buying them an iPhone yet, right?

[126] And they're going to be disappointed in it.

[127] And I want you to be able to deal with that.

[128] You must become comfortable with your child being upset at you.

[129] Because if you're not, they're going to hold you hostage and manipulate you.

[130] And they'll start to say things when they're little, especially, I don't like you.

[131] You're being a mean mommy.

[132] And what they're hoping for is that you'll react with a lecture, and they'll draw you into some kind of argument or negotiation about that's not the way you're supposed to talk to your mother or father when I was a child.

[133] I never did that.

[134] And as soon as they hear you going there, they're like, I've got you.

[135] I'm just going to keep pushing until you finally throw your hands up in the air and walk away and say, fine, do whatever you want.

[136] but you need to be able to look your child in the eyes and say this unequivocally.

[137] Even if you don't say these words, your tone of voice and your actions say this.

[138] I love you so much that I'm willing to say no and do what's best for you, even though it means you won't like me for a period of time.

[139] I love you so much that I'm willing to do the hard things as a parent.

[140] maybe all the other parents are giving in and letting their kids have everything they want and that's easy that's a cowardly choice that a lot of parents make not you you're listening to the calm parenting podcast that's not a judgment it kind of is it it's an adequate description of when you don't act as the adult and the grown -up it is taking the easy way out because it's saying you know what it's just easier if I just let them have it now this is different right realize this is different in every single day you can't say no to everything I don't want you being doctor no all the time we talk all the time about whenever you say no to something inappropriate you say yes to something appropriate right so I'm not talking about somebody I don't want I don't want some of your spouses to walk listen to this one pack podcast be like see see honey you're being too soft on him.

[141] You're giving him everything he wants.

[142] We just need to say no to this kid all the time.

[143] I didn't say all the time, right?

[144] I didn't say over everything.

[145] I'm doing it, I'm doing it in a very judicious way, but what I'm really saying is, I love you so much that I'm doing, willing, I'm willing to do the hard things.

[146] I'm willing to say no and do what's best for you, even though it means you'll be upset at me and you won't like me. And they'll even be silence between us.

[147] And And for some of you, that's really, really hard.

[148] Because now you're like, oh, they're really upset.

[149] They're in their room.

[150] They're giving me the silent treatment.

[151] Now, some of you are like, I would like the silent treatment.

[152] But it is very uncomfortable.

[153] See, keeping my son on this example, keeping him home at night sometimes, was a sincere act of love for him, saying no to excessive video game time or whatever else it is.

[154] That's an act of love.

[155] because I demonstrated that he has a father who can say no and still be engaged with him.

[156] He has a father or a mother who is capable of doing what's best for his son, even when his son doesn't like it, and even when it's inconvenient for me. See, we're keeping the engagement.

[157] We're keeping the connection, right?

[158] Now, it gets uncomfortable, but I'm not getting personal with him, right?

[159] No longer, you know what, you're never home anyway.

[160] always play your video games.

[161] You don't do anything else.

[162] It's rotting your brain when I was a kid.

[163] None of that is necessary.

[164] I just said no. I'm also showing respect for my son.

[165] I respect you enough to believe that you're capable of dealing with disappointment and coming up with an alternative.

[166] See, that to me is very beautiful and a very respectful, cool thing.

[167] I respect you enough, son, to believe that you're capable of dealing with this disappointment and coming up with an alternative, right?

[168] And you have to look inside and say, are you afraid that your kids will be unhappy with you?

[169] Because if you don't get to the root of that, that's going to cause a lot of issues in your home, right?

[170] It may have been something you were taught as a child.

[171] Maybe you're a people please, or maybe you want to fix everything.

[172] So I want you to work on yourself so your kids don't repeat these same patterns.

[173] And here's what usually happens, right?

[174] Your child mobs around and it irritates you.

[175] Then we as the parents jump in, you know what?

[176] When I was a kid, we didn't even have Friday nights, right?

[177] You know how we do that.

[178] We didn't have video games.

[179] We didn't have anything fun, right?

[180] Fine.

[181] Just go spend the whole weekend with your friends.

[182] See, that's the easy way out.

[183] I gave him to the discomfort.

[184] So I would tell Casey, look, of course you're disappointment.

[185] I'd be disappointed if I were you.

[186] You're stuck home with me instead of being out with your friends.

[187] And you've got two choices now.

[188] You can mope around all night and be miserable, and I'm completely comfortable with that.

[189] Or you can be creative and come up with a different plan for us tonight.

[190] Choice is up to you.

[191] And then I'd let them mope for a while, and I'd give them some space to mope, because that's normal to mope and be disappointed and grumble and come.

[192] complain, but they do it to wear you down so you don't give into that.

[193] Eventually, what would happen is he would come back into the living room and say, okay, dad, if I'm stuck home with you tonight, could we do X or Y?

[194] And most of the time I'd say, you know what, that sounds like a good plan.

[195] See, because I didn't jump in and save him from his disappointment, from his feelings of being bored, he developed the internal resourcefulness to overcome his disappointment on his own.

[196] And do you know how valuable that is?

[197] For a child to see he can handle disappointment without his parents fixing it or making everything all better.

[198] That's cool.

[199] So let's work on that.

[200] Now, I know it's Christmas season, so it's all about saying yes to everything, Christmas presents, but there are going to be things you have to say no to.

[201] I want you to this and you're not just doing it for your child, you're doing it for yourself to free yourself from that need for your kids to always be happy, for everything to be okay, live in the discomfort and know inside, I'm doing this because I love my child and I am teaching him or her that he or she is capable of handling disappointment.

[202] That is a beautiful thing.

[203] If we can help you with this, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateCallum .com.

[204] Work through the programs.

[205] We've got it on the new app which makes it really easy to listen to at any time let your kids listen to some of these programs the straight talk for kids program is actually designed for them to listen to but let them listen to the discipline one or the strong -willed child program i guarantee you it will make them feel very understood and you'll have really amazing conversations especially over the holiday break be a great thing to play in the background and let them ask you what do you listen to what's this got talking about?

[206] Wait, he's describing me. Wait, so there's nothing wrong with me and you will find you're going to have awesome conversations with your kids about this stuff.

[207] Hey, thank you for listening.

[208] Thanks for being a good parent, being so engaged and working so hard for this.

[209] Love you all.

[210] Talk to you later.

[211] Bye -bye.