People Be Doin’ It

[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

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[2] Visit teamcoco .com slash call Conan.

[3] Okay, let's get started.

[4] Hi, Hannah.

[5] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

[6] I didn't if I should talk first.

[7] Hi, hi there, Hannah.

[8] Nice to see you.

[9] Tell us, where are you coming to us from?

[10] I'm in, I'm back in Vancouver.

[11] I flew in last night, and I'm in my parents' Christmas living room.

[12] I love Vancouver.

[13] I love, actually, I love Canada in general.

[14] I love the people.

[15] It's a beautiful place to be, and everyone has such a great sense of humor.

[16] But Vancouver, I particularly love.

[17] It's a wonderful place.

[18] Yeah, I think we're pretty spoiled.

[19] We're very lucky here, so.

[20] Tell us a little bit about your life, Hannah.

[21] Like from birth or?

[22] Yeah.

[23] Yeah, I want to say, I'm not going to start from birth, but I'm going to say, start from like four hours after birth.

[24] You've been cleaned.

[25] Okay, so post -in -section, everything.

[26] You're wrapped, you're under a heat lamp.

[27] No, I just meant, I want to get a sense of, do you live in Vancouver full -time?

[28] What do you do?

[29] So I work on boats, like yachts, and so I'm always in and out.

[30] Whenever I get any holiday or any leave, I come home to see family and rents, but I'm not permanently here.

[31] When you say you work on the boats, you mean not building the boats, but living on the boat, and helping people.

[32] Is that what you do?

[33] Yeah, so I'm not a craftsman, but I'm a chef on a boat.

[34] Oh, okay.

[35] You're a chef on a boat.

[36] Oh, okay.

[37] Well, recently, my wife got started, I had to travel a lot.

[38] She took a lover, which she tends to do when I leave town.

[39] It was me. Yeah.

[40] It was goarly.

[41] She's quite happy when she's with him.

[42] He apparently listens to her.

[43] But, no, I got back, and she had become hooked on below deck.

[44] The reality show, and there's one, I guess, that takes place in Australia.

[45] Down Under, yeah.

[46] It's like below deck, down under, below deck, down under, which I thought was ridiculous.

[47] But, yeah, so I'm just curious if it's at all like that when you watch a show.

[48] Because what you see on that show is all the people running around, getting on each other's nerves in a very contained space.

[49] Is that at all what it's like when you're working on a yacht?

[50] I haven't seen the show myself, but I've got friends that watch.

[51] And from what I gather, it's similar, but obviously a dramatized version of reality.

[52] Right, right.

[53] But it is a very small space to live and work together with a small group of people.

[54] So I also think, I have to say, I think being a chef would be tough enough.

[55] But to be a chef on a boat where if you suddenly need something, oh, we need paprika.

[56] We need non -fat yogurt.

[57] We need iceberg lettuce.

[58] And you can't get it because you're at sea.

[59] Plus, the boat's constantly moving.

[60] It sounds like it's 10 times harder than being just a regular chef.

[61] I mean, you make provisions for that.

[62] You try to stock up on as much as possible.

[63] If people are coming on board, you get a list of their preferences, dislikes, et cetera.

[64] So you try to prepare accordingly.

[65] But yes, there's always the occasional thing where you'll be in the middle of nowhere and someone wants many cucumbers, I don't know, something, and you have to try to find that.

[66] So let me guess.

[67] It's mostly rich people, affluent people that you're waiting on if they're living on a yacht, yes?

[68] Yeah, that's pretty much the...

[69] Are you ever tempted to say, no, we don't have it.

[70] You know, no, sorry.

[71] We don't have that.

[72] You're on a boat.

[73] Get your thumb out of your ass.

[74] You ever say that to anybody?

[75] Thankfully, I'm not front -facing.

[76] It's always the, other staff who have to deal with the guests face -to -face.

[77] I'm in the galley tucked away.

[78] It's nice.

[79] So we can get the order and we can all stare at each other in disbelief and then we can proceed versus them.

[80] They have to listen to this person making an insane request and they have to smile.

[81] And so they're the one that's hearing, I would like a pistachio, vanilla, moose, three -tiered cake that's decorated only with yellow M &Ms.

[82] And then they come down and they tell you and you guys.

[83] stand around in the kitchen and talk shit about them for like 15 minutes, right?

[84] I heard you ordering that the other day.

[85] I like that.

[86] Okay.

[87] And I demand it.

[88] I see why you're asking.

[89] Yeah.

[90] And I did it on a American Airlines flight.

[91] I was in business.

[92] With your thumb up your ass.

[93] With my thumb, securely up my ass.

[94] But it sounds like it would be, that's a, how long have you been doing this for?

[95] On and off for the last nine years.

[96] So once I finished university, I started doing this.

[97] and yeah that sounds i mean first of all it's very romantic to go to sea i think that's that sounds really cool you know to yeah it's okay you're yeah you're yeah made it sound like no it's not it's my enthusiasm wane there for a second um it can be there's lots of nice places if you get to go that i would never choose to travel to like it'll be a very small tiny island in greece for example, which is lovely.

[98] But you get to see different parts of the world from a boat that you wouldn't say versus a normal road trip, et cetera.

[99] So that's nice.

[100] Have you ever crossed the ocean, the Atlantic Ocean?

[101] I think this last fall I did my sixth crossing.

[102] So what?

[103] Wow.

[104] Wow.

[105] Yeah.

[106] That's cool.

[107] I've never crossed an ocean on a boat.

[108] That's probably on a bucket list for me. I'd love to do that.

[109] Obviously, my ancestors did it when they were asked to leave Ireland.

[110] And when you get asked to leave America.

[111] Yeah, exactly.

[112] Maybe I'll do it then.

[113] That is, I have to say that's very impressive.

[114] That sounds like, now, do you think this is, you're going to be your gig for the long run, or do you see something else for you in the future?

[115] At a certain point, just being on a boat, been like, been there, done that.

[116] Well, it's very fun, but it is a very weird existence where you're sharing a room with somebody.

[117] You've got a bunk or someone's above you or below.

[118] It's just a very bizarre life as an adult.

[119] with sharing a bunk who's not your sibling.

[120] So that's strange.

[121] So I don't see this forever, but I figure keep doing it until I stop enjoying it and I still enjoy it.

[122] I'm going to get real personal here, and this does not include you, but I'm just saying, there's got to be hookups on a boat.

[123] I mean, Sona, come on, way in here.

[124] Well, yeah, I said people be fucking.

[125] Okay, well, okay.

[126] No, I'm sorry.

[127] On boats.

[128] Hannah, do people be fucking?

[129] Yeah.

[130] No, Hannah, she's from Vancouver.

[131] They're very lovely people.

[132] But people in Vancouver, don't be fucking.

[133] Don't stop saying that.

[134] It's not cool.

[135] Hannah, I apologize from my very crass friend.

[136] Sorry.

[137] Uh -oh.

[138] Oh, there she is.

[139] No, I think she, it looks like you froze on Zoom, but I think you froze because of the coarse language.

[140] Oh, sorry.

[141] I mean, people be making love.

[142] Yeah, make a love.

[143] People be doing it.

[144] But it must get complicated when you have men, women, hormone, small boat, yes?

[145] Yeah, I'm not.

[146] going to name names but no of course not i would never ask you to we'll do that on a separate phone call yeah i would um there's definitely been you see why there's a tv show made after this because there's been some pretty absurd situations of say someone being romantic with someone and then perhaps pursuing somebody else yep that's in the same department and you're all in this little boat and to say the least it all gets around word spreads yeah everyone finds out there's no way This stuff happened on Moby Dick, you know?

[147] I mean, any classic sea tail, there's always people hooking up.

[148] Yeah.

[149] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[150] I would forget the boat's not mine.

[151] Yeah, that's probably true.

[152] At some point.

[153] How do you mean?

[154] Like, I would start to be like, is this my boat?

[155] This is my yacht.

[156] And then I would start sleeping in like their main bedroom and stuff.

[157] Like, does anyone do that?

[158] Is that just me?

[159] You're like a golden box of the yacht.

[160] I mean, perhaps.

[161] Oh, okay.

[162] So on to something here.

[163] That's interesting.

[164] On a crossing, you'll have some captains that are very kind and generous, and they let crew use the guest areas when we're on a crossing because there's no guests on board.

[165] But typically, it's you have to wear white gloves and not touch anything in the guest quarters.

[166] Can I ask you, Hannah, you might be somewhat familiar with this show or with my general personality.

[167] Do you think I would do well on a long crossing?

[168] or would I instantly go quite mad?

[169] So the thing is, it's...

[170] Be honest, be honest.

[171] It's a small space, and typically if you're in a marina, you can step off, have some space to yourself, but on a crossing, you realize just how tiny it is, and people tend to go a little nuts.

[172] I think you would try and entertain everybody to the best of your ability.

[173] But also, can I say something, Hannah, that could be a problem.

[174] I think you start eating other people, even though there's full provisions on board.

[175] They'd make you walk the plank.

[176] I would start drinking my own urine, even though there was plenty of water.

[177] I would do it as a culinary choice.

[178] No, but I think one of the problems might be, as you guys work in a small space with me, and I'm looking at four people right now who are in a very small space with me on a regular basis.

[179] And we'll just do an hour together, and I can see that you guys are ready to time out, me on a boat, on a six -day crossing in a confined space, saying, hey, Hannah, what about this bit?

[180] Arupit -do -one -a -d -di -d -di.

[181] Do you think I'd be killed, like two days in?

[182] Personally, not by me, but perhaps everybody else.

[183] I don't want to speak about.

[184] Hannah, I don't think you could possibly understand what you're in for.

[185] You know what I love?

[186] Hannah didn't say, not by me, but maybe by someone else.

[187] She said, not by me, but by everybody else.

[188] It would be murder on the Orient Express.

[189] The answer is everybody did it.

[190] I think you would take on a persona.

[191] I think you'd like think you were a pirate and then you would start talking like one.

[192] We were a captain.

[193] I would bring a stuffed parrot and glue it to my shoulder.

[194] Oh, God.

[195] What?

[196] Hannah, do you aspire to have your own boat or do you ever dream of having your own boat one day?

[197] No, I mean, as somebody who works on them, I should be more respectful, but they're personally just a money drain from what I've gathered.

[198] You buy it and you can't so you have to flow money into it.

[199] It's just concert repairs.

[200] That's the same thing I've found.

[201] My son and my daughter, just money goes in and I don't see, you know, okay, great, you got an education.

[202] What's this for?

[203] You know, it doesn't, how do I benefit?

[204] So, yeah, I see what you're talking about.

[205] Yeah.

[206] Okay.

[207] That's interesting.

[208] I'm curious, well, you can't name your boat, but everyone comes up with cool names for boats.

[209] Yeah, what would Conan's boat be named?

[210] I picture more of a warship for you, so like the SS Conan or the SS O 'Brien.

[211] I don't know, something more of that nature for you.

[212] You know, it's no, it's got to be the water blade.

[213] You know, it's got to be something that, I don't know, everyone would want it to be like the rusty shamrock or, you know what you mean?

[214] How did you mention it?

[215] Yeah.

[216] Yeah.

[217] The sickly torso, you know.

[218] Everyone would want it Everyone would insist that it'd be some kind of humiliating name But I want something cool and warlike I just have to think about it But It's going to say something regal Yes Well the HMS Oh Her Majesty's Yeah What is that Her Majesty's Service ship?

[219] What is it?

[220] I don't know Well wait You're James Bond guy Don't you know if you doesn't know this Yeah but that's service But I don't know His Majesty's ship His Majesty's ship Yeah Okay.

[221] I mean, he's, I guess he isn't a able commander.

[222] Oh, that's true.

[223] Bond.

[224] Okay.

[225] All right.

[226] None of this will make it into the final podcast.

[227] That's called a cul -de -sac.

[228] Hannah, what would you name your boat if you had one?

[229] Honestly, if someone asked me this and on the spot, I just panicked and said the dump truck.

[230] And then now I feel committed to that.

[231] So.

[232] What a beautiful name.

[233] This is the dump truck.

[234] We're going down by the bow.

[235] HMS.

[236] This is the HMS.

[237] HMS dump truck.

[238] Oh, souls.

[239] the dump truck we're lost.

[240] Christened with a bottle of four loco.

[241] What is your, have you ever risked serious injury while cooking at sea?

[242] We've had obviously several incidents.

[243] It's just nature, apart for the course, where everything is moving and obviously there's hot things.

[244] Like if you're boiling a pot of water, all of a sudden you just have to stand there and watch it, so it's very time -concealing.

[245] And my chef and I, that we are working and we're underway and we are.

[246] just trying to power through and all of a sudden we had a big turn and everything flew off and like a knife stuck into the cupboard and we both kind of looked at one number like let's just call it for an hour maybe and then we'll reassess that is so what a cool image you're cooking and suddenly storm and a knife goes flying into the side of the door that's kind of cool yeah i mean i'm sorry that you were almost killed but i mean what's the old expression that a watched pot never boils but you literally have to sit there and watch boiling water yeah all of a sudden everything takes forever you're just watching pot spoil and I'm like this is pretty sad but yeah if I was a big if I was going into a typhoon and I was the chef on a yacht I think I would decide maybe I'll deep fry that turkey later maybe we'll put that off till we maybe make anchor you know genuinely they have to put up signs above deep fires on all the boats because like if you're going to deep fry underway please alert the bridge because i guess people have thought that to be a good idea there should not be deep friars on a boat that's just ridiculous everyone should just eat pop tarts and shut the fuck up ridiculous i would love to see you in a room that's you know built to to go like the waves yeah in a full chef's gear yeah trying to deep fry a turkey and just screaming yeah every time i get splashed i was gonna say you know were you ever in a storm where you thought your life was it mean like you thought this could be it uh weirdly enough the only time we've encountered a hurricane we were in port we were in florida and a hurricane was due to come so everybody just decided to leave but i was on watch with two other people so me and the two other guys kind of look at one other being like i hope nothing happens uh because we you cannot leave the vote it has to be have people on board for safety reasons so yeah even during a hurricane we just had to sit there and hope for the best, and thankfully nothing happened.

[247] Here's a difference between us, Hannah.

[248] I would make up something.

[249] You're like, no, there was one time we were in port.

[250] Everything was pretty secure, but we did have to kind of write it out, but we were in port.

[251] I would say, oh, t 'was nice it was.

[252] The foam was four yards arms high, and the teeth.

[253] I do nice.

[254] I would just start babbling about, you know, so that's where we're different.

[255] You told the truth, and it was a very safe, safe story, and I would have just gone to town.

[256] Is it more safe or less safe to be in a boat during a hurricane?

[257] You mean, is it safer?

[258] Than land.

[259] Yeah.

[260] I mean, Florida seems pretty unsafe in general.

[261] I don't know if the water would help.

[262] Well, we're not going to get into the politics.

[263] I appreciate it.

[264] Do you have any questions for us, Hannah?

[265] Yes.

[266] How do you handle high maintenance guests?

[267] Or do you have any tips for handling high maintenance folks?

[268] Oh, well, in the old.

[269] days when I had a TV show for 28 years, I would say, we'll take a break.

[270] We'll be right back.

[271] Commercial breaks were so fantastic.

[272] Because when I had a guest who was just driving me crazy, I could go to commercial.

[273] Usually I'd try and get one laugh from the audience.

[274] And then if I got that laugh, I'd say, we'll take a break.

[275] We'll be right back.

[276] You won't be seeing this shithead sit next to me. So that was, and I've had a problem in life since I had stopped.

[277] doing that that show um which is that sometimes i'm at a dinner party and i'm having a hard time with somebody and i look to a camera that isn't there and say we'll take a break we'll be right back and everyone just looks at me awkwardly there's no commercial i'll try that at work i don't know yeah so uh but it's nice now that we we do the podcast i'm i'm almost exclusively talking to people i really like to talk to so it's really nice so i don't have that issue anymore but um i should start pretending it's a ship and if I'm having a difficult time with someone, just a guest, just confine them to their quarters.

[278] You know, I mean, we should have a little captain's hat here on the podcast.

[279] Yes, yes.

[280] Piped down.

[281] Pipe down, Corley.

[282] Well, Hannah, it was lovely meeting you.

[283] And I'm a big fan of Vancouver and your parents' home looks lovely.

[284] And thank you for the invite.

[285] I'll be by soon.

[286] And I'll expect you shortly.

[287] stay safe have good luck at sea take care of yourself okay thank you very much have a good thank you bye bye bye conan o 'brien needs a friend with conan o 'brien sonum of sessian and matt goarly produced by me matt goarly executive produced by adam sacks nick leow and jeff ross at team cocoa and colin anderson and cody fisher at your wolf theme song by the white stripes incidental music by jimmy vivino take it away jimmy our supervising produced is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[288] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

[289] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

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