Get Ex On Same Page? How to Discipline Step-Kids?

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[24] So here are two tough questions to answer.

[25] Number one, in a situation where there's divorce and split custody, how do I get my ex on the same page so we at least agree on boundaries and expectations and discipline?

[26] Second question, in a blended family where you've got stepparents, stepkids, how do I get these stepkids to respect me as the authority figure?

[27] Those are tough questions, but that's what we're going to deal with today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[28] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin.

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[41] So let's deal with this today.

[42] Forgive me for the froggy little throat thing going on here.

[43] I'm going to fight through this because I'm strong -willed like our son.

[44] It's where I inherited my son's strong -will from him.

[45] So let's deal with the ex getting on the same page.

[46] Look, my assumption is if your ex -husband, or a wife was going to listen to you, you'd probably still be married, right?

[47] Because every time you suggest something, oh, you're being controlling again.

[48] That's why I divorced you.

[49] So I encourage you with this.

[50] Write a note.

[51] I just want a small win here.

[52] I encourage you to write a small short note to your X because sometimes they respond better when they are not hearing your voice, right?

[53] Just reality.

[54] That's why sometimes it's better to write your kids a note than talk to them.

[55] them because they find your voice irritating, just like you find there's irritating as well.

[56] So, and think about this.

[57] This is what I want.

[58] We've got to get inside the head of a child.

[59] All of a sudden, here's what I know.

[60] I've got two different homes and two different neighborhoods.

[61] We've got two different bedrooms.

[62] I've got to pack up my stuff every few nights or every other weekend, however it works, and then I get dropped off.

[63] And it's, and it's tough, right?

[64] it's like we travel a lot for a living it causes me a lot of anxiety because you've got to pack your bags you're afraid oh what if i forget that and i've got to go back it's not easy so what i want is stability some traditions the idea is this i want you and your ex to come up with three traditions traditions traditions are better than rules rules tell people what not to do traditions say this is how we roll in our home.

[65] So I want three traditions in your home, in each of your homes that are the same every day.

[66] Here's the idea.

[67] So no matter who's home your child wakes up in or comes home from to after school, you do the same thing.

[68] Morning routine, basically the same.

[69] After school, whether to come to mom's house or dad's house, you always do the same thing.

[70] For little kids, maybe it's a treasure hunt.

[71] Older kids, listening to music that they like with them or watching one of their favorite TikTok videos that you hate more than anything in the world.

[72] I don't care what it is.

[73] Maybe at dinner, there's a certain tradition that you have or at bedtime so that at least three times during the day the kids have a certain amount of stability of knowing, okay, we always do this the same way at mom's house and at dad's house.

[74] So write a note to your ex and say, look, this isn't about me, it's not what I want.

[75] This is for the kids and their stability.

[76] Could we come up with three traditions, three things that are always the same that both of us do, no matter whose home the kids are in?

[77] And you can throw your spouse, your ex -spouse, a bone, and say, I'm not being controlling, you can pick two of the three, or why don't you pick all three?

[78] I don't care because I just want the stability for the kids.

[79] Now, if your ex -spouse is resistant, you can say, hey, look, here's an analogy.

[80] What if on Monday you went into work and your boss said, hey, in order to get a raise or a promotion, you have to do A, B, and C. But then Tuesday, you went in and that same boss, or a different boss said, hey, in order to get a raise or a promotion, you've got to do X, Y, and Z. Not only would you be confused about what your expectations were, you would be angry and you would be frustrated.

[81] So let's just try this.

[82] We just try this.

[83] I'll give you one other quick idea.

[84] A lot of you have a situation of which your kids go to your ex's house maybe for the weekend.

[85] And when they come home at the end of the weekend, they're kind of all out of sorts because you don't know what happens to that other house.

[86] And my assumption is maybe you've got the Disney dad or Disney mom who just has fun with them or they argue with him, but there's no real rules.

[87] And so they come back in your house.

[88] And the idea I have is have a tradition.

[89] every Sunday afternoon, evening, whatever day it is, that they come back to your house.

[90] Wash off some of that ick that they've experienced.

[91] Start fresh.

[92] Have a tradition.

[93] So little kids, when they come home, do a treasure hunt every time.

[94] Just hide something in the backyard or say, hey, why don't you hide something and I have to go find it?

[95] It's a way of giving them some control of something because they feel so out of control.

[96] and don't start with like, okay, it's Sunday night.

[97] We've got to get ready for school tomorrow.

[98] Let's check your homework.

[99] Don't dive into that first.

[100] Do something fun with them.

[101] Connect with them.

[102] Make it low key.

[103] They're the ones who are transitioning between two different settings.

[104] So be sensitive to that fact and create successes so that that works better.

[105] Does that make sense?

[106] Second question, step parents.

[107] Unfortunately, most of the calls that I get, because I do a a lot of phone consultations around divorce, split custody, and then dealing with stepkids and how that works.

[108] So if you're interested, just look at the mentoring tab on the website Celebrate Calm, and I'll be glad to do that with you because it's helpful to walk through very, very specific strategies because each of your situations with the X with the stepkids is very, very different, right?

[109] Like stepparents, it's different if your kids, the new kids, your stepkids are are four or if they're 14.

[110] You're going to deal with that in a little bit different way.

[111] So unfortunately, most of the time what I have to deal with is the kids have rejected the step -parent.

[112] And now you've got this situation of like, well, we love each other, but now my kids don't like him or her.

[113] And so I want to be a little bit proactive about this and see if we can head off some of that.

[114] So let's think about this.

[115] Your role as a step -parent, and I have tremendous compassion for parents who have gone through divorce and who are getting into a new relationship because most of you did not have a good marriage and you didn't have that emotional or even physical connection, right?

[116] And that could have been for years.

[117] And now you met this new person.

[118] You're like, oh, this is awesome.

[119] It's what I've been waiting for.

[120] I haven't felt this in years and decades.

[121] And so you kind of want to rush into it and you get overwhelmed with it.

[122] And so just think about your role because this is a tremendous opportunity that you have.

[123] I encourage you, go slowly, go really slowly, put the kids first, always think, what's in it for the kids?

[124] What do the kids get out of this?

[125] Right?

[126] Because it's easy to see what you get out of it.

[127] Well, I just want to spend a lot of time with this new person.

[128] And that makes perfect sense.

[129] But do the kids want to spend a lot of time with this new person that they didn't choose and who's a stranger to them?

[130] So think about them go slowly what do kids want most they want stability they want your undivided attention they want to be the priority right and and i often hear like well i just i you know i know i i just think my kids would like to see me happy and the truth is they're not concerned with your happiness nor should they be i've been thinking about this thinking back to my childhood i was a pretty giving caring child but i never once had the thought I wonder if my mom and dad are fulfilled.

[131] I didn't care about that.

[132] Their happiness did not enter the equation, nor should it have.

[133] All I ever thought about was, I want you to stop fighting, and I want you to stay together.

[134] I just want stability for things to be predictable, because I have enough anxiety and enough issues of my own growing up.

[135] I don't want to have to navigate all this other stuff.

[136] So think about that before you dive into this or as you're diving into this.

[137] So huge opportunity for you as a step -parent.

[138] Really cool opportunity because you're not the bio parent.

[139] And so it's kind of like in some ways you get to be the uncle, right?

[140] And you have some advantages here because you're not as emotionally tied into the child.

[141] Like with your child, you're going to, that's what I always ask teachers.

[142] How many of you are patient with your students, but go home and yell at your own kids, right?

[143] That's why strong -will kids are much better for other people when they're at someone else's home than they are with you.

[144] Because as a natural parent, we have so much anxiety about our child's and how they're doing and how they react.

[145] And as a step -parent, you're kind of on the outside of that.

[146] And so you have some opportunities.

[147] But a couple things first.

[148] I most of the time, most of the time, I advise that the step parent should not directly discipline the stepchildren.

[149] The step, the new parent that's coming in should not directly discipline kids that are not his or her own.

[150] Your role should be to support the bioparent so that they can discipline their own kids in a calm, even way, and not overreact.

[151] And there are two big benefits to this.

[152] One is, you help this new love of your life become the parent that they want to be, and you help them build a better relationship with their child.

[153] And secondly, the stepkids see you as a stabilizing force in the home, as a positive.

[154] because when that new guy's here, my mom's a lot calmer.

[155] She doesn't overreact.

[156] He kind of, and it could be the step -mind.

[157] You can reverse the sexes, the genders, however you want.

[158] But it gets too confusing if I switch it up all the time.

[159] But that new guy, when he's here, mom's a little bit more calm.

[160] She doesn't react as much, right?

[161] When that new lady is here that we don't really know.

[162] My dad's a little bit more patient.

[163] She comes along and all I notice is she comes and just touches him on the arm, not in an overly affectionate way.

[164] Don't do a lot of affection in front of your kids.

[165] Please, the stepkids, because you know what they're going to think?

[166] Huh, he or she, my mom never treated my dad that way, or my dad never treated my mom that way.

[167] It's kind of icky.

[168] They don't want to see it.

[169] Do it in private.

[170] So, but that new lady, she comes along and just kind of touches my dad on the arm and then he's kind of calm we like that does that make sense you have a huge opportunity to be a stabilizing force but here's the warning if you look say uh you're the dad and they're your kids and you have this new person coming into the home if you put the stepmom in a position to discipline your kids, you are setting her up for failure.

[171] And a lot of times men do this because they're afraid to discipline their kids because they don't want to be rejected by their kids.

[172] So now they have their new spouse come in and it's like, well, you're the woman, you handle the discipline.

[173] And what you were doing, one is is very selfish because you're going to set your new spouse up to be hated and rejected by your kids.

[174] Because, and your kids are going to very, look, they're going to say, you're not my mother.

[175] And they're right.

[176] You're not.

[177] Or in the same respect, you're not my dad.

[178] And if they're teenagers, especially they're probably, forgive me for the language.

[179] Inside at least you're going to be like, screw you.

[180] You know my dad?

[181] Right?

[182] We always get that.

[183] Well, shouldn't they respect us as the authority figure?

[184] No. And forgive me for the bluntness.

[185] You're not an authority figure.

[186] you are just some dude or some stranger some woman that I don't even know you're a stranger that my mom or dad is just sleeping with right that's what they're thinking right and you have to know that right so you have to earn their trust right they don't want to see some look just think these kids have grown up in a home they've known a certain thing for all these years and then all of a sudden everything changes and it's different.

[187] They probably don't want to see this new guy or this new woman in the morning when they wake up, right?

[188] Just because you fell in love with this new awesome person doesn't obligate your kids to fall in love with or even like them.

[189] I wouldn't even expect that because I want to go slowly and I want to build trust so that when you do move forward, they're accepting and welcoming of this new person in your home because you've respected them and you've earned their trust because you've put them in situations right where you've become the stabilizing factor and where they trust you then they will listen to you over time then you'll be able to discipline but your discipline won't be overt like you can't do this we need to have a talk it'll be like hey let me give you some perspective that I think will help you out with your mom.

[190] Right.

[191] And you'll become this trusted source who's like an objective person and it's a really great thing that you can create.

[192] But if you jump in too fast and you start disciplining someone else's kids, you're probably going to get a lot of pushback.

[193] So I encourage you get on the same page with discipline now.

[194] Because we see this all the time where you fall in love and you're getting all this stuff like I never had this in my marriage and it is awesome and you don't talk about the tough stuff.

[195] Then you get married, you move in together and then after a little while you find that you're both on the very different page when it comes to discipline or he disciplines his kids differently than he disciplines your kids.

[196] And then guess what happens?

[197] You're on the way to divorce number two and then your kids are really mess.

[198] up because now it's one more rupture of the home.

[199] So get on the same page, go through pre -marital counseling.

[200] At the very least, listen, get the calm parenting package.

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[207] Or if you want to schedule a call with me. I'll help you out with that so we can get on the same page because I love doing that.

[208] I love like I love kind of like in divorce mediation or spouses who are really struggling because as an outsider, I can say, hey, you've got a legitimate point there.

[209] What if we compromise right there just a little bit?

[210] You've got a legitimate point too.

[211] What if we have you compromise a little bit?

[212] And we can get on the same page.

[213] But let's do that so that we can make this second marriage, this second family be something that's really, really beautiful because it can be, but it can also be look at the second marriage can be the closest thing to heaven or hell that you experience on earth.

[214] And I want it to be closer to heaven.

[215] So if you need something, reach out to us, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, Celebrate Calm .com.

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[228] Bye -bye.