The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett XX
[0] Did you know that the DariVosio now has its own channel exclusively on Samsung TV Plus?
[1] And I'm excited to say that we've partnered with Samsung TV to bring this to life, and the channel is available in the UK, the Netherlands, Germany and Austria.
[2] Samsung TV Plus is a free streaming service available to all owners of Samsung Smart TVs and Galaxy mobiles and tablets.
[3] And along with the Dyeravisio channel, you'll find hundreds of more channels with entertainment for everyone all for free on Samsung TV plus.
[4] So if you own a Samsung TV, tune in now and watch the Dyer of a Cio channel.
[5] right now.
[6] What you're describing there, that scrolling through comments looking for the bad one, is something I think we can all relate to, because I will get 99 .9 % like great comments.
[7] And then it'll be, as you say, the one that's either that's critical or that feels personal.
[8] It's if someone's like criticizing something that I've like done, I don't really care.
[9] It's when they are criticizing who I am, I think I find it hardest.
[10] And so I wanted to understand why that was.
[11] And I started doing some reading and some writing about this topic.
[12] and understanding the nature, if we go back in our, like, in our history as humans, of rejection and what that used to mean when I was a human, the idea of being, like, despot, like, kicked out of my tribe.
[13] Yeah.
[14] And the threat that that would put me under if I was removed from my tribe and this idea of rejection.
[15] And really, like, a lot of rejection, this is kind of what I came to the conclusion of, when someone says something like that, it's almost like, for me, it feels like a threat of rejection, a threat of being expelled from the, you know, from the tribe.
[16] or whatever.
[17] Obviously not.
[18] Obviously that is not the truth.
[19] But deep within me somewhere, that desire to fit in and be accepted by the tribe is still there.
[20] So having millions of people being able to give me feedback and some of them seemingly rejecting me from the tribe or saying that I don't fit or whatever is difficult.
[21] Is that like, that's a lot of words, but does that make any sense?
[22] Yeah, because the feeling comes before the rational thought about it.
[23] So, you know, your body has that reaction before you're able to consider that, you know, this isn't your only community or this isn't your family or people that are sort of you're dependent on and that kind of thing.
[24] So I think the feeling will always be there and it's always difficult, isn't it?
[25] But then you can override that with what comes next.
[26] So it's all, it's not about never having that feeling.
[27] And I hate people kind of say online, you know, just to stop caring.
[28] what everybody thinks and that is impossible because you're built to care what people think of you and and you probably wouldn't function in a society that well if you didn't care what anybody thought of you it's about how you then manage it so when those thoughts come along um about you know negative comment it's what do you do next with what comes up so yeah it's really about how you kind of respond to to the thoughts that come up after and is it is it in those moments of rejection Is it really like the story we tell ourselves about what that rejection means to us?
[29] I'm thinking now more broadly about romantic rejection.
[30] I'm dating someone, she says, you're dumped.
[31] Like the harm surely isn't in the separation.
[32] Surely, for me it's always felt like, well, I got to the point where I realized that it was more Steve's subconscious brain is telling himself he's a scumbag and not beautiful and not smart because of this rejection.
[33] Is that really where the harm is done, like that self -inflicted self -story?
[34] Yeah, so, I mean, rejection is difficult for everybody, isn't it?
[35] certainly if rejection taps into what we call a kind of core belief.
[36] So if someone grew up with a core belief around being unlovable, for example, because maybe their parents were inconsistent in their care, for example.
[37] So they, you know, and you don't think about these beliefs consciously all the time.
[38] You know, they're not at the forefront of your thought processes, but they will influence how you feel and they'll influence how you behave and the choices that you make.
[39] is what happens is when we have a core belief that is a sort of damaging one or detrimental one, we develop sort of rules for living around that that help us to keep it at bay.
[40] So it might be, you know, if I can just be the perfect business owner and the perfect boyfriend and the perfect dad, then no one will reject me and everything will be okay.
[41] And so you set yourself these rules for living that at some point, inevitably, you break or there's signs that you're not going to be able to keep up with them.
[42] And what that does is when there's signs that you're not going to keep up with those rules for living, you then, it kind of triggers that core belief to come to the forefront.
[43] And that's when you get that rush of kind of psychological distress because it's a distressing thing to believe about yourself.
[44] And so that's when it can cause people real problems when that sort of damaging core belief is being triggered on a regular basis, for example, maybe because it's a turbulent relationship or whatever the situation is.
[45] And that's when you can work not only on the present stuff, but on the core beliefs and looking at how those are playing out in relationships.
[46] And how do you get to the heart of understanding what your core beliefs are?
[47] Because I went through life and I think I got to about 24 years old without being in a relationship.
[48] And when I asked myself what my core beliefs were as it relates to relationships, I realized that they were heavily shaped by watching my parents like toxic relationship and this belief that relationships were prison because I thought my dad was in prison for my entire childhood.
[49] That's what I thought.
[50] I thought he was trapped in prison because he was in a relationship with my mother because they were very argumentative, shall we say.
[51] So it wasn't until I was 24 and I think because of journaling and writing and really this podcast that I was able to realize that I even thought that and I was having this like a voidant behavioral pattern where the minute I would pursue someone romantically and the minute they would accept my advances, is I would run for the hills and try and dissuade them out of being in a relationship with me and I had no idea that core belief was in the back of my control centre of my mind.
[52] Yeah, absolutely.
[53] And there's a really fascinating therapy called cat therapy actually.
[54] So it's cognitive analytic therapy, just CAT for short.
[55] But that really, it's just a fascinating therapy where it looks at the relationships that you have when you're younger.
[56] So when you're growing up with parents or siblings or family and in those relationships, you learn how to behave in the world, right?
[57] You learn about who I am, what to expect from other people and what to expect from the world at large.
[58] And then you develop kind of survival strategies or coping strategies in, for example, in a difficult relationship like that, you learn how to cope with that and you have these kind of safety behaviours.
[59] And as you grow up, you're in a different situation, right?
[60] You're not dependent on parents and stuff like that.
[61] But those survival, strategies, all those safety behaviours continue, and they get played out in your adult relationships.
[62] And I just love that therapy.
[63] It's great for looking at the patterns and the cycles that people tend to feel stuck in in their relationships and how that reflects those early life experiences that are essentially outdated coping strategies.
[64] But it's really difficult.
[65] You know, if something's been a lifetime of habit, you can't just break that by telling yourself to do that.
[66] So it takes time and it takes practice.
[67] And you literally kind of map out the cycle so that you learn to sort of acknowledge it in hindsight, first of all.
[68] So you say, okay, last week that happened and that happened.
[69] And yeah, I went around the cycle.
[70] And then eventually you've done that enough that you start to recognize it when you're in it.
[71] So as you're about to do something, you think, hang on a minute, I know what this, this is predictable.
[72] I know what I'm doing.
[73] And in that moment, you then get this chance, this is a beauty of kind of awareness, is you then get this chance to choose whether you go with it.
[74] And sometimes you will and you'll go around the cycle again, and sometimes you'll do this other thing that you've already worked out you need to do, and you break the cycle, and then you get the benefits of that.
[75] And so it's this really kind of long process of sometimes go around the cycle again, and then sometimes breaking it, and finding this new life that you can create in your relationships and stuff like that.
[76] So, and it's incredible how life -changing that can be for people.
[77] Did you know that the Dario of a CEO now has its own channel exclusively on Samsung TV Plus?
[78] And I'm excited to say that we've partnered with Samsung TV to bring this to life and the channel is available in the UK, the Netherlands, Germany and Austria.
[79] Samsung TV Plus is a free streaming service available to all owners of Samsung Smart TVs and Galaxy mobiles and tablets.
[80] And along with the Dyer of a CO channel, you'll find hundreds of more channels with entertainment for everyone all for free on Samsung TV Plus.
[81] So if you own a Samsung TV, tune in now and watch the Dyer of a CEO channel right now.