#96 - Kevin Pereira

[0] the J -Logan experience.

[1] Brian thinks it's funny to keep playing that black guy's voice.

[2] I actually totally forgot.

[3] Fake black guy's voice.

[4] It's much more, much more offensive.

[5] Before we get started, I think I have to say more about the flashlight.

[6] I don't think that's a 15 -second ad.

[7] It's awesome.

[8] I shoot loads into it.

[9] I recommend you do the same.

[10] Can I hop in on this?

[11] Yes, Kevin Pereer wants to shoot loads into a fleshlight.

[12] We're going to provide him with one.

[13] I want to believe in a world where I can.

[14] But as I said, I get a wave of guilt and sin and filth that washes over me. every time I climax, and I can't imagine saving that into a fleshy device that I then have to dishwasher.

[15] It feels better, but it's more embarrassing.

[16] And Kevin's brought wine.

[17] We're a gentleman.

[18] We're sophisticated here.

[19] Cheers, maids.

[20] Cheers.

[21] This is, I mean, we have wine, coconut water.

[22] Yeah, we have coffee, and we're stoned.

[23] And, you know, I don't, there's a thing.

[24] I don't have a lot of obsessive, compulsive shit.

[25] But one thing I have is, if you're making a toast, you got to click glasses with everybody.

[26] Have to.

[27] Yes.

[28] Yeah.

[29] What is this like sort of half -ass gesture?

[30] Some people don't want to lean across the table.

[31] Listen, you lazy bitch.

[32] Are we all in this together or what?

[33] We got to cling glasses.

[34] And you have to tap it on the ground on the table first before you drink it.

[35] Oh, really?

[36] Do you do?

[37] What's that about?

[38] It's like a no tag back thing.

[39] You just have to do it.

[40] I've never done that.

[41] Does that signify I'm done?

[42] My glass is in?

[43] Yes.

[44] My whole life I've done them wrong.

[45] You've been sending mixed messages to people.

[46] You could be getting in fights and not know it.

[47] It's just like a jiu -jitsu technique where you realize you couldn't finish it.

[48] All you had to do was just one little thing, one little thing different.

[49] I didn't clink my God damn it gentlemen Here's the mulligans Cheers Yes mulligans I don't even know what that means What is a mulligan Is it a do -over?

[50] I never played golf You got to tap Joe You just Did you tap?

[51] Yeah yeah yeah I never tap He never taps I never taps I'm tapping bitch I'll shook myself out Out of all the douchey t -shirts I've ever seen Related to mixed martial arts One of them was tap Or snap It's up to you MMA fashion Has got to evolve man how many wolves and skeletons and chains can you wear around your neck before you're asking to get in a fight dude i got this new company it's about to break off it's called break my dick off in your ass fight gear this is this is the fucking the logos a dragon fucking a pit bull in the ass covered in glitter bro i need to get you and dana whiten on this dude have you got the new tank top by two knuckles deep it's so good the moment you go two knuckles deep man you're gonna tap it's a new technique all the guys are two men God damn.

[52] St. Pierre has been training.

[53] Really?

[54] I did not know that.

[55] Yeah, he can get three knuckles.

[56] Wow, that's incredible.

[57] But then again, Bella Donna's only 100 pounds, she can get a baseball bat.

[58] That is true.

[59] God bless her.

[60] What the fuck is that all about?

[61] That should be an Olympic sport.

[62] Gaping should absolutely be a sport.

[63] Or spitting in the gaping hole, like a basketball type thing for accuracy.

[64] That's hard to do, especially when you have a chest cold because it sticks to everything.

[65] None of this existed when I was a child.

[66] No, it did.

[67] Just, I don't think people knew about it.

[68] Did you think it did?

[69] Do you think there's a lot of assholes?

[70] Oh, there were a yield gapers.

[71] Spitting in assholes?

[72] If we had flip cams back in the 1800s, you'd see Victorian gaping.

[73] It's probably worse.

[74] There's some of it that's so bad.

[75] Like that guy, that Max Hardcore guy that got, he went to jail for it.

[76] I mean, you've got to do something really fucking creepy for them to be wanting to lock you up in jail in 2011 or 10 whether, maybe it was even nine for porn.

[77] Yeah.

[78] But this fucking guy, man, he was opening girls assholes up and like with like, like, like, speculations.

[79] Is that what it's called?

[80] Whatever medical instrument, little thing that you stretch it apart with?

[81] And then peeing in there and then making girls drinking out with a straw, allegedly.

[82] The leaky basement.

[83] They were talking about this, Sal was talking about this on the Stern show.

[84] I don't know if it's true.

[85] But if it is true, I don't doubt it.

[86] I don't doubt it.

[87] I've seen a lot of shit.

[88] But see, I was seeing shit back in the bulletin board dial -up days when I was like 9, 10 years old, which explains a lot.

[89] I've been to sensitive to the Russian soldier putting his foot on a head and cutting a neck open and going, oh it would be steamy because it was cold outside like that analysis of fucked up shit at the age of nine or ten so i i believe it was all out there but what i don't get are how girls are making money off of non -porn because guys are sexually objectified by it like the the crushers that will crush a cell phone with a with a heel or pump a gas pedal on a car there's a lot of fucked up there's out there's they can get i mean we do a what -the -fuck segment on our show where it's like girls that that get in pools wearing jean jackets and they make like 30 dollars a month off subscriptions because some dudes like oh Oh, look at that denim getting wet.

[90] Oh, mommy would have spanked me. Whoa.

[91] Now, I've got to clean my fleshlight.

[92] Or the minion.

[93] Have you ever seen the minion?

[94] It's like a website, we've talked about this before where this crazy, ugly, nasty, fat guy just fucks these hot porn stars.

[95] But who wants to, I mean, I can see where it's, like, kind of cool.

[96] I forgot about this one.

[97] But, like, who wants to subscribe to that guy?

[98] Well, that was always the charm of Ron Jeremy, right?

[99] Right.

[100] Not all the time.

[101] In the beginning, it wasn't.

[102] The beginning was sort of a normal looking guy, but then he became hideous.

[103] It took time.

[104] but clearly he's in the hideous realm I mean everyone goes bad eventually he's fucking hideous you know that's part of the charm there's something about the internet man and technology in general that has accelerated porn to just and accelerated depravity and just decadence into just like really fucking intense levels that have never existed before I mean at first it was seen as this bastion of hope that was going to elevate discussion and bring intellectuals together and further everything and it has done that to an extent but it's really just created hardcore porn like really hard I think the thing is I think it's gonna change young people for good or bad and probably both but I think once you're old and you already have like a pattern set in your head it's way easier to just jerk off to more and more fucked up shit than it is to like look at the latest findings on you know hypernovas or you know look deep into the the real possibilities created by the large Hadron Collider like that's too much man fuck that no pink cloud that's where I'm going exactly I want to watch some shit in some chick's mouth because I can't you know I mean there's guys that like they're so angry at women they want to shit in their mouth like you fucking bitch you fucking ugh what could she have done just exist exist and be unattainable that's what it is that's mom issues right dudes there's a lot of weak bitches out there that's what it is there's a lot of dudes mom issues or not you gotta fucking look at the whole world around you make an assessment look what go on your instincts what is positive what is negatives what is admirable What makes you jealous?

[105] Go towards that.

[106] And I always say, aspire to be the man that you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.

[107] Okay?

[108] Aspire to be that guy, for real.

[109] Actually, become that guy.

[110] You know, just you don't have to, just your mama's issues and all that stuff.

[111] Get your shit together, bitch.

[112] See, that's why I got an M3, because I want to be the guy that doesn't need a personality.

[113] That's what I'm talking about.

[114] I want to be the guy that just says, look, are you moist yet?

[115] Fantastic.

[116] Plus, they're the shits and they handle awesome.

[117] Ah, such good cars.

[118] I love cars, man. I'm so fascinated by the engineering that I couldn't possibly.

[119] be responsible for myself.

[120] I look at something like an M3 or something like that I think about all the fucking shit that's involved all the different settings, the M setting and all of a sudden the suspension changes you feel it's...

[121] Set a macro for your car and all of a sudden it's like the car is sucking you by the asshole and just holding you down to the road.

[122] And just the engineering.

[123] I believe that there's 30 German engineers that shed a single tier whenever I put the top down.

[124] Like I believe they're so proud of their work and the time and all the effort that went into making a piece of plastic fold.

[125] I believe that they're crying about it.

[126] I love that.

[127] That's not plastic.

[128] Wow.

[129] That's one of the coolest things about the top of the M3 convertible, it's all one piece in metal.

[130] That's like the coolest thing that they figured out that I do recently.

[131] It's like a transform.

[132] It goes into like three little sections.

[133] You have two sections in the window.

[134] It's dope.

[135] Have you ever seen it?

[136] Watch when he does it.

[137] It's amazing.

[138] Like it's like an orchestration of, you know, mechanical engineering.

[139] It's beautiful.

[140] You hear violence.

[141] Isn't that break easily?

[142] Isn't there like, you know, like, oh, you, you know, it's just more shit, you know, the more moving parts.

[143] Yeah.

[144] But that's, that's my life.

[145] That's everybody's life now, right?

[146] We get more shit so that it can break so that we can break so that we can.

[147] get pissed at its shit and it's amazing how reliable those things are you know the most unreliable car I ever had was a Porsche I had a 9 -11 turbo that broke down five times it was ridiculous but BMWs I've never had a problem Japanese cars I've never had a problem it's amazing how many miles you can put on a car these days and there's no problem like back when you had like a 1970 barracuda or something like that yeah 100 ,000 miles that thing's done all right you get bearings are blown and fucking transmissions gone's missing gears and the engines and smells like shit.

[148] I mean, you have to rebuild everything.

[149] Those things just didn't last.

[150] Remember those superas we had with the lights that popped up?

[151] And mine did one of yours break?

[152] No, I didn't have that one.

[153] I had the one with the fixed, I had a 92 or 93 Toyota Supra when they went to that space shape.

[154] That was the first really cool car that I got.

[155] That was my news radio money.

[156] But there's something about just the engineering of these fucking cars.

[157] That's accelerated as well.

[158] Like the M3, like this M3 that I have is 420 horsepower.

[159] Well, the 9 -11 turbo that I had was like somewhere around the same, like 420 horsepower.

[160] But it was all turbocharged.

[161] Right.

[162] All tweaked out.

[163] Yeah.

[164] And it's a different sort of a feeling.

[165] Well, this car is that with a full V8 with an 84 ,000 RPM, you know, rev limit.

[166] I mean, it's fucking incredible.

[167] Is it 84 ,000?

[168] 8 ,400.

[169] Yeah.

[170] But when it hits 8 ,400, man, that wail.

[171] It's like a Formula 1 race car.

[172] It sounds awesome.

[173] Have you done launch control yet?

[174] No, well, that sounds like it's going to kill the transmission.

[175] Nah, well, if you warm your engine up, you have to drive for X amount of miles at certain speeds or whatnot.

[176] You can drop it into first, shut off traction control.

[177] And if you hold the one of the shifter paddles in, or you put it in neutral, slam on the gas while holding a shifter paddle, like a checkered flag will appear on the dash.

[178] There's Easter eggs.

[179] Yeah, no, there's total Easter eggs in the software.

[180] And then you can use, like, your cruise control, actual controls to boost up the RPM.

[181] So when you let go, it engages that clutch when you're already at, you know, 7 ,000, 8 ,000 RPM.

[182] screams and you'll break your neck that's badass how do you find out about that internet's oh it's pretty it's pretty common it's common yeah the nissons actually did it for their gtr and when people used it it violated the warranty they say they say with BMW if you do it over twice apparently it counts how many times you do it it violates your warranty too wow that's funny with that's ridiculous make a better thing don't give me something that breaks stupid but the uh the nistan one was particularly ridiculous because it's a goddamn race car I mean what nisson was bragging about was there zero to 60 time was ridiculously low and the handling the car is insane it's a fucking amazing car i drove it but there's something about it's like yeah it's really fast and yeah it's but it's ugly it's like it's goofy looking it's like it's got some sort of a techno godzilla thing going on that i'm not really into it's like it stands out too much but for all the like if a ferrari stands out you know it stands out but it stands out it's like it's beautiful right that car stands out like what's going on smart car stand out because you look like baby sneakers on wheels.

[183] It's not a good standout, right?

[184] Yeah, it's an odd standout.

[185] Like, I don't particularly, I tried to like it.

[186] I, like, looked around it and stared at it.

[187] I tried to like it.

[188] But it's, but the, the engineering, though, is stunning.

[189] Well, what about electric cars, like the Tesla and all that?

[190] They're not ready.

[191] You know, I'm interested in them eventually, but I'm not interested in something that you have to charge for 18 hours after you drive 250.

[192] That's, that's stupid.

[193] I'm interested in the gallons, though.

[194] I get 15 gallons of gas per order.

[195] You have a big truck.

[196] I know, but that shit's, I need, yeah, it's disgusting.

[197] Well, it makes you mad when it starts hitting 4 .30.

[198] I mean, what is it now?

[199] 420 for regular.

[200] Yeah, premium is like, I think, 450 at Chevron.

[201] But my point was about the BMWs that what's really shocking is how much better engineered they are just over a few years ago.

[202] Like, compared to my supra, like the super was a really good handling car.

[203] It was like, but this M3 is like glued to the fucking ground.

[204] It's like it's on track.

[205] First nice car that I've ever had in my life.

[206] And it's like you turn the wheel and the car just goes.

[207] It doesn't ask questions.

[208] It's so connected to the road.

[209] It's so like, what's the word?

[210] I mean, precise, you know, like the way it handles and moves.

[211] The Germans are known for their precision.

[212] And shit in the mouth videos.

[213] They're known for a lot of that, too.

[214] What's up with that?

[215] Why are the Germans into those scat videos?

[216] Germans and Japanese.

[217] I don't, you can't point fingers now with the internet.

[218] Everybody's into everything.

[219] Yeah.

[220] They're just willing to.

[221] It wasn't at the root.

[222] I mean, behind every stereotype.

[223] Well, they just had an awesome word for it.

[224] Is that what it was?

[225] Shizer?

[226] German Shizer porn.

[227] Wow.

[228] And who wouldn't.

[229] like to yell that.

[230] Shizer is shit?

[231] That's what it is.

[232] Shizer is shit?

[233] They had a good word.

[234] I don't know if Shizer itself is or if that's just an exclamation it'd make when you're actually crapping on someone.

[235] Wow.

[236] Yeah.

[237] Enough that they had to fucking label it so often.

[238] Like there's one porn when a guy shits in his mouth.

[239] Oh, no, no, no. We have a whole category of that.

[240] Yeah.

[241] What?

[242] A guy shits on someone's mouth and there's a category?

[243] That's what people are into?

[244] Well, where else do you put it on the shelf at the adult video store, you know?

[245] Yeah, there is no more of those.

[246] They still exist.

[247] Do they exist?

[248] I went to a sex shop the other day, just a lube run, run of the mill.

[249] I feel like we should be hearing music.

[250] Why don't you just go to Albertsons?

[251] People were there, I have a special taste.

[252] No, but this guy comes up to the counter and he buys a card.

[253] He's like, I'd like, I'd like $5 in the booth.

[254] And like a dude went and got a plastic card and they had a whole adult video arcade back there.

[255] And I saw at least 10 different people come in in the short time that I was there to buy video cards to go in the back.

[256] And beat off.

[257] Wow.

[258] And maybe there was something way cooler.

[259] Maybe there was the gloryhole action, or maybe it was a unicorn ride.

[260] I don't know what was happening back there.

[261] Like, maybe there was some crazy shit going on.

[262] My friend Johnny, God rest of soul, he used to go to New York.

[263] He's an addict and he used to smoke crack and go to those peep shows.

[264] That was his thing.

[265] When he would smoke crack, you would want to go hide and go to peep shows and hide in those places all day and just give the girl money.

[266] Tell me these horror stories about what kind of women are on the other side, like showing you their asshole.

[267] Do you think like girls are like in those glass boxes behind like, you know, like what's that that that hotel?

[268] where they have a girl in the glass box behind the checkout that's on sunset.

[269] Have you ever seen that?

[270] Yes.

[271] I know what you're talking about.

[272] The standard.

[273] Do you think that that's like the upgraded version of the peep show girls?

[274] Like, oh my God, they fight with each other.

[275] I'm working the box of the standard this weekend.

[276] People that don't know what we're talking about, when you go to the standard as you go into the lobby, the standard hotel in Hollywood has the desk where they check you in.

[277] And above the desk, there's like a fish tank, like a big fish tank with a woman in it.

[278] And she's hot and she's in her underwear.

[279] and she's reading a book.

[280] Or she's checking her email.

[281] It's weird.

[282] Yeah, and she's not supposed to interact with you.

[283] They don't look at you and smile and wave because that would be so anti -L

[284].A.

[285] Right.

[286] In L